Okay, so most bands are boring as shit when they keep tour journals. I dunno if those bands are just boring, or if they just don't keep accurate journals.
I've been talking a bit today about a band called Siobhan. Well, their
tour journal is absolutely fucking classy.
Selected samples:
A hundred meters down the road, I screamed at Beardo to pull over (this seemed to be a theme of the tour) and I gacked nine whiskies onto the posh Berlin neighbourhood of Kurfurstendamm.
The next morning, I awoke, reached over to Beardo and began to touch his thigh. "Beardo," I asked in a drunken haze, "Are you getting a boner?"
He smiled and said, "Of course, Jimmy. Of course."
"Good," I slurred. "Still got it."
Not sure why I just told you that story.
Unfortunately, we realized that due to the previous night's drunkenness at our accomodations, our camcorder footage now consists of several minutes of mooning the camera and shouting "Cack! Cack!", with a cut directly to a concentration camp. This is what is known in the motion picture world as "poor planning".
Ghostface, Senor 9.5 and I went to see a "Live Sex Show" in Amsterdam, spending roughly the GDP of Guam to get into the building. The sex show itself was very interesting. They had quite a few shows, from an adventurous and interestingly limber British lady to a couple who somehow found the fortitude to have sex onstage once every 90 minutes or so. But when we got into the bar, we first saw an act from an enormous black Brazillian lady, who, well, to put it in politically correct terms, was "As Ugly as Cainine Roadkill". Seriously. This woman was frightening. I mean, I honestly didn't know Andre the Giant and a Kiko the Gorilla had a daughter. Her act consisted of getting on stage, shaking around to some Salsa music, and dragging some poor sap up onstage to perform the unspeakable, UNSPEAKABLE act of eating a banana out of her, um, nether regions.
So, when the place went through all of its acts, started the cycle again, and this gigantic woman came onstage again, we knew what was coming. She jiggled, she wriggled, and then she jumped offstage, looking for her prey. She wandered around down near the stage, away from us for a while, but she had no luck(go figure!) finding someone to do the dirty deed with her. Then, the horrible moment came (I replay this in my mind every time I watch the cantina scene in Star Wars), and she started waddling up the aisle towards our row.
I froze in horror(being the guy who was sitting on the outside of the row), turned to Senor 9.5 and started shouting:
"Senor! We're gay!! We're gay as the day is long!!! You and me!! Gay!!"
She came closer. And closer. Finally, her eyes set on me, and I knew things were going to get horrid. I turned back to The Senor.
"KISS ME!!", I screamed at him. "FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, KISS ME!".
But he would not. And this mammoth of a woman came right up to me, and started to try and persuade me to get onstage with her. I was frozen in fear. She became very agressive, grabbing my arm, shouting, etcetera. Finally, in a desperate and highly stupid attempt, I pointed at the girls in front of us and said: "Hey! What about them? Why don't you get them onstage? I think singling out men to come up with you is very sexist."
The Mammoth's eyes got wide, her teeth flashed, her flesh bulged, and she shouted at me: "I am no lesbian!! I am no lesbian!!!" and began to beat me over the head with her purse again, and again, and again. And again. And when she was done, and it was all over, I was a changed man. No, really. To this day, I can't touch a pork chop.
Seriously, you have to spend a couple hours just reading through this. You'll thank me, you knoiow, if you don't hemorrhage something from laughing.