Topic: The Funniest Quotes (Read 23752 times)

not a pimecone · « **on:** 14 Sep 2006, 21:13 »

A lot of you guys seem to like Futurama and Homestarrunner, and other cool and funny stuff like that. So what is your favourite hilarious quote from a cartoon, movie, TV show, stupid/funny person etc.?

For example,

Black Books:
Customer: "You know, I'm probably getting a lot of second hand smoke from you."
Bernard: "It's ok, just by me a drink sometime..."

Futurama:
Bender: Of all the friends I've had, you're the first!

Futurama:
Bender: I have to drink to keep my fuel cells charged...
Fry: So what's with the cigars?
Bender: They make me look cool...

Homestarrunner:
Strongbad: Where have you been? I saw you walk past like 5 or 6 times...
Homestar: Oh, I doubt it. I drove.
Strongbad: You don't even have a car!
Homestar: Yeah, you're probably right...

Ok, that's all I can think of right now...

qtownstegy · « **Reply #1 on:** 14 Sep 2006, 21:26 »

Just to let you know, we have already had this thread, but... you're new.

Futurama

Nixon: "Get those bums!"
Bender: "Well, we're boned!"
Leela: "Can't we get away in the ship?"
Prof: "I suppose it is technically possible, though I am already in my pajamas."

Early Futurama (first episode)

ChaoticEvil · « **Reply #2 on:** 15 Sep 2006, 02:16 »

Black Books:

*bernard is in the bath*
Bernard: MANNY! Where's my toast!
*one of those arm things pops into the bathroom with toast on it*

By the way, i called my hamster Bernard after the Black Books guy ^.^

Thnikkaman · « **Reply #3 on:** 15 Sep 2006, 02:29 »

Bernard: "Manny, do you have a tower of soup for me?!"
(Manny triumphantly brings Bernard a tower of soup)
Bernard: "What's this? Where are the turrets? It's RUBBISH!" (flings soup)

Bernard: "My oven can cook anything. My oven can cook... BITS OF OVEN!"

elcapitan · « **Reply #4 on:** 15 Sep 2006, 03:17 »

"Ficht ihr nicht mit der Raketemensch!"

Or whatever the exact quote was. It made me laugh a lot.

Tenge · « **Reply #5 on:** 15 Sep 2006, 04:45 »

Heh, more Black Books fans huh?

Bernard: "You know what you are? A beard with an idiot hanging off it."

"Oh the songs, Jim. Ohh! They'd melt your face!"

I'd pay good money to find that in .gif or t-shirt form.

Lastly, one from Dylan Moran that has alway made me chuckle:

"I love what you've done with the place, but this place is a prison, essentially, as much as you all like to deny it. I've seen insects with kneepads and you live approximately three quarters of a mile away from the sun." - On Australia

Thnikkaman · « **Reply #6 on:** 15 Sep 2006, 04:51 »

Eris and I just had a gabbly conversation full of black books quotes. Here's some of the highlights:

I can't even get a refund because it's full of bloody spoons!

FLAKE FLAKE FLAKE FLAKE FLAKE

I ATE ALL YOUR BEES
Fucker

My coordinates are... BOOKSHOP!

What other grown man makes soldiers from his runny egg and divides them into rank?
Don't touch the colonel! It'll upset the rest of the men...

I'm a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all.

She thinks I'm some sort of reclusive genius. She's going to very dissapointed when she discovers that I'm a reclusive wanker

No! No! You're my summer girlfriend - you don't get angry. You throw your hair back and laugh as we bicycle around the Cotswolds in a taxi. You flick the cherry off the pie and only eat the cream because that's what Aunty Nibs used to do

"There's nothing wrong with my mind!" "You're wearing an accordian."

KharBevNor · « **Reply #7 on:** 15 Sep 2006, 07:15 »

Classic Simpsons:

Homer: I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around the city, keeping its speed over fifty. And if its speed dropped, the bus would explode! I think it was called... "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."

Lionel Hutz: Oh no, we've drawn Judge Schneider.
Marge: Is that bad?
Lionel Hutz: Well, he's had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog.
Marge: You did?
Lionel Hutz: Well...if you replace the word "accidentally" with the word "repeatedly" and the word "dog" with "son"...

Lenny: Hey Einstein, put down your reading. It's lunchtime!
Homer: Ah, you go ahead.
Lenny: Hey, you don't want to eat? What did you do, get one of those stomach staples?
Homer: As Tolstoi said in Quotable Notables, "Give me learning, sir, and you may keep your black bread."

Monorail operator 1: Hey, can't we just turn off the power?
Monorail operator 2: No such luck. It's solar powered.
Monorail operator 1: Solar power! When will they learn...

And a few Ralph Wiggums:

Me fail english? That's unpossible!

I bent my wookie!

I'm a brick!

Yay, sleep! That's where I'm a Viking.

Thnikkaman · « **Reply #8 on:** 15 Sep 2006, 07:23 »

Homer Simpson: The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!

JLM · « **Reply #9 on:** 15 Sep 2006, 16:30 »

Simpsons again:

Jebediah Springfield: A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man!

Mrs. Krabappel: I never heard that word "embiggens" before I came to Springfield.

Ms. Hoover: I don't understand why! It's a perfectly cromulent word!

My favorite will always be Mr. Burns' old-timeyness:

Burns: You there! Fill it up with Petroleum Distillate and re-vulcanize my tires, post-haste!

Burns: No, No! I thought, I'd, um, chauffeur myself tonight? I mean, how hard can it be? I'm sure the manual will indicate which lever is the velocitator and which the deceleratrix, hm?

rage · « **Reply #10 on:** 16 Sep 2006, 05:04 »

Quote from: The Big Lebowski

The Dude: It's like what Lenin said... you look for the person who will benefit, and, uh...
Donny: I am the walrus.
The Dude: You know what I'm trying to say...
Walter: That fucking bitch...
The Dude: Oh yeah!
Donny: I am the walrus.
Walter: Shut the fuck up, Donny! V.I. Lenin. Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov!
Donny: What the fuck is he talking about, Dude?

Quote from: The Big Lebowski

Jesus: You ready to be fucked, man? I see you rolled your way into the semis. Dios mio, man. Liam and me, we're gonna fuck you up.
The Dude: Yeah, well, you know, that's just, like, your opinion, man.
Jesus: Let me tell you something, pendejo. You pull any of your crazy shit with us, you flash a piece out on the lanes, I'll take it away from you, stick it up your ass and pull the fucking trigger 'til it goes "click."
The Dude: Jesus.
Jesus: You said it, man. Nobody fucks with the Jesus.
Walter Sobchak: Eight-year-olds, Dude.

One of my favorite films.[/quote]

Luke C · « **Reply #11 on:** 16 Sep 2006, 16:23 »

Two related jokes (guess the theme):

Futurama:

Robot Devil: And they keep touching me...in places

Fry: Yeah they get around alright.

Family Guy:

Peter: Why did the dinasours die?

Museum guy: Because you play with yourself at night.

Electric Monk · « **Reply #12 on:** 16 Sep 2006, 23:09 »

Haha! A sampling of styles and wit!

Rocky: Bullwinkle, do you know what an A-Bomb is?
Bullwinkle: Sure, a bomb is what some people call our show.
Rocky: I don't think that's very funny.
Bullwinkle: Neither do they apparently.

Rocky: Bullwinkle, did you forget the plot again?
Bullwinkle: In a word, you said it.
Rocky: That's three words.
Bullwinkle: I'm a heavy tipper

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Meatwad: This one time I rent me a pressure washer, start my own business called "Meatwad Pressure Washing." But then I's told, "You got to have a license for that." I said, "License? I ain't even s'posed to be in this country!" And then he got all mad.

Carl: I'm certainly not gonna sign for any more packages with the word "Congo" written in blood.

Master Shake: I got rid of my teeth at a young age because... I'm straight. Teeth are for gay people. That's why fairies come and get them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gwendolyn: In matters of utmost importance, style, not sincerity, is the vital thing.

Lady Bracknell: To lose one parent, Mr. Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune. To lose both looks like carelessness.

Jack: Good heavens, I suppose a man may eat his own muffins in his own garden.
Algy: But you have just said it was perfectly heartless to eat muffins!
Jack: I said it was perfectly heartless of you under the circumstances. That is a very different thing.
Algy: That may be, but the muffins are the same!

Danish McGill · « **Reply #13 on:** 18 Sep 2006, 09:22 »

Here's one from Snatch.

Boris: Heavy is good. Heavy is sign of reliability. And if it doesn't work you can always hit him with it.

Mogman · « **Reply #14 on:** 19 Sep 2006, 02:29 »

For those of you who dont know Quads! your missing out... (Sure its old, but i like it)

Reilly: I dunno if i'd be comfortable with you being, as my mother used to say
*Puts on high pitched voice* one of those homosexuals

Spalding: Look, number one, i'm a pro, two, we're all homosexual, and you haven't got any sensation in your arse anyway

Reilly: Hmm, fair enough, your hired

(Reilly = Recently cripped quadraplegic
Spalding = Big gay Australian carer/nurse)

Rizzo · « **Reply #15 on:** 19 Sep 2006, 04:31 »

Black Books;

Fran: So what's it like then? The fags and booze.
Bernard: Well, to be honest, after years of smoking and drinking, you do sometimes look at yourself and think...
Fran: [Nodding, smiling] Yep...
Bernard: You know, just sometimes, in between the first cigarette with coffee in the morning to that four hundredth glass of cornershop piss at 3am, you do sometimes look at yourself and think...
Fran: [Still nodding] Yep...
Bernard: ... this is fantastic. I'm in heaven.

Gerald: [To Bernard] Oh, you remember Jimbo, don't you?
Bernard: I'm not sure... [to Jimbo] What do you do?
Gerald: No, he's our son.
Bernard: Oh thank god. I thought you had a disease! Oh, this is a child!

Fran: Okay, if I told you that the walls of my flat were actually moving in, would you think I was strange?
Bernard: No, I'd ask you to come round and look after my small children.
Fran: Look, if you don't believe me you can come around tonight and we'll watch the wall!
Manny: Don't be ridiculous, we'll be staying in and watching the thermometer tonight. Won't we, Bernard? Eh? Eh? Won't we?
Bernard: I don't know, it's an impossible choice. Walls, thermometers, I'll just have to hope that when I flip the coin it somehow explodes and kills me.

SilentJ · « **Reply #16 on:** 19 Sep 2006, 04:32 »

Another One from Snatch:

"What in the hell is that?!?"
"This is a shotgun, Soloman."
"That is a fucking anti-aircraft gun, Vincent!"

Some favorites from Aqua Teen:
"Try working the belt without these: the instructinons."
"I don't need no instructions to know how to rock!"

"Man, why doesn't it work on him?"
"Because those are Loverboy lyrics, Err. And Loverboy has always sucked."

"Shake told me to go in the freezer 'cuz there was a carnival in there. Ain't no carnival in there, it's a damn freezer! I got freezer burn and I got pushed up against a chicken..."

nuisance · « **Reply #17 on:** 20 Sep 2006, 21:33 »

"I will have you boy, even if it must be by robbery!" - Uncle Monty in Withnail & I ... so many good lines, including most everything Danny the Dealer says.

"Will there ever be a boy born that can swim faster than a shark?" - Gareth Keenan, The Office

"Kicked the brown door in, painted it white on the way out!" - Nathan Barley bragging about a conquest that never actually happened, Nathan Barley

"Tell them I hate them!" - Prof. Farnsworth sees the Unka Lunkas, Futurama

News Anchorman: You must be very appreciative of this woman. She's like the mother that lifted the Volkswagon off her child, except you are the Volkswagon and the child is the child in all of us!
Jay: What are you talking about?
News Anchorman: I don't know. I was hired for my looks.
- after Jay is rescued from a fire by his make-up artist, The Critic

"He is not Ganesh! Ganesh is graceful!" - A wedding guest exposing Homer, The Simpsons

Can't pick one line from This Is Spinal Tap... that'll do for now.

Johnny C · « **Reply #18 on:** 20 Sep 2006, 22:28 »

YOU'VE BEEN READING MY BLOG

-"Zarf," All My Children

Skibas_clavicle · « **Reply #19 on:** 23 Sep 2006, 16:59 »

Snatch:
He's the get away driver? What the FUCK can he get away from?

one of my favourite simpsons quotes:
Marge: Have you been up all night eating cheese?
Homer: I think I'm blind.

Office Space:
Michael: I told those fudge packers that I liked Michael Bolton's music!

Jimmy the Squid · « **Reply #20 on:** 08 Oct 2006, 20:24 »

CUSTOMER: Those books over there. The leatherbound ones.

BERNARD: Yes, the complete works of Charles Dickens.

CUSTOMER: Are they real leather?

BERNARD: They're real Dickens.

CUSTOMER: I have to know if they're real leather because they have to go with a sofa. Everything else in my house is real. I'll give
you 200 pounds for them.

BERNARD: Are they leatherbound pounds?

CUSTOMER: No.

BERNARD: Sorry, I need leatherbound pounds to go with my wallet.

Will · « **Reply #21 on:** 08 Oct 2006, 20:37 »

"Bender, why are you spending so much time in the bathroom? Are you jacking on in there?"

Aztex · « **Reply #22 on:** 08 Oct 2006, 20:49 »

Southpark season 10, episode 8,

Butters: i don't play world of warcraft
Cartman: butters you said you're on your computer all the time
Butters: but i'm playing hello kitty island adventure
Cartman: butters, go buy WoW install it on your computer and join the online sensation before we all kill you.

Jimmy the Squid · « **Reply #23 on:** 08 Oct 2006, 21:19 »

ZAP: So the toilet seat is like the uncle or something?

Tenge · « **Reply #24 on:** 09 Oct 2006, 01:37 »

Sealab 2021:

"I knew this day would come... dopplegangers!"

"Nice try doppleganger. Save it for queen Dopplepopolis"

Jimmy the Squid · « **Reply #25 on:** 09 Oct 2006, 06:41 »

Futurama Season 1, Episode 7 "My Three Suns"

FRY: This is just like the story of The Grasshopper and the Octopus! "All year long the Grasshoper kept burying acorns for winter while the Octopus just mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But then the winter came and the Grasshopper died and the Octopus ate all his acorns. And also he got a race-car!" Is any of this getting through to you?

AlexAttack · « **Reply #26 on:** 09 Oct 2006, 07:03 »

This is from Firefly. I thought this scene was soooo funny when River trys to "fix" Shepard'a bible

Shepard: What are we up to, sweetheart?

River: Fixing your Bible.

Shepard: I, um… What?
[Pan over to River, who works on a book with pens, brushes, and loose pages.]

River: Bible's broken. Contradictions, false logistics… doesn't make sense.

Shepard: No, no. You - you can't...

River: So we'll integrate non-progressional evolution theory with God's creation of Eden. Eleven inherent metaphoric parallels already there. Eleven. Important number. Prime number. One goes into the house of eleven eleven times, but always comes out one. Noah's ark is a problem.

Shepard: Really?

River: We'll have to call it "early quantum state phenomenon". Only way to fit 5,000 species of mammals on the same boat.
. . .
Shepard: River, you don't… fix the Bible.

River: It's broken. It doesn't make sense.

Ã¶de · « **Reply #27 on:** 09 Oct 2006, 07:34 »

Saved.

Will · « **Reply #28 on:** 09 Oct 2006, 09:10 »

Boondock Saints is FULL of quotable lines...

"I'll tip her!"
"Wyatt FUCKING Earp!"
and other great Rocco-isms...

as well as my favorite scene in the whole movie,

"Well...it certainly illustrates the diversity of the word..."

Bujawka · « **Reply #29 on:** 09 Oct 2006, 22:26 »

One of the best quotes ever from Futurama:

Zap: It was almost the perfect crime....except you forgot one thing: rock crushes scissors...but paper covers rock...and scissors cuts paper! Kiff...we have a conundrum.
Kiff: Ughn....
Zap: Search them for paper! And bring me a rock!

Jimmy the Squid · « **Reply #30 on:** 10 Oct 2006, 09:44 »

Futurama

Ambassador of the Neutral Planet: If I do not survive, tell my wife "Hello."

And again,

Ambassador of the Neutral Planet: All I know is my gut says maybe!

AlexAttack · « **Reply #31 on:** 10 Oct 2006, 09:49 »

"Its a beige alert"

Archangel_Lucifer · « **Reply #32 on:** 10 Oct 2006, 12:04 »

My one need to be seen.

Jimmy the Squid · « **Reply #33 on:** 10 Oct 2006, 13:12 »

Invader Zim

ZIM: I have a MIGHTY NEED to use the bathroom facilities once again!!!!

Scandanavian War Machine · « **Reply #34 on:** 13 Oct 2006, 16:24 »

Boondock Saints has so many good ones.

"why dont you make like a tree....and get the fuck out!?!?!?"

valley_parade · « **Reply #35 on:** 13 Oct 2006, 19:14 »

My favorite Homestar one.

Strong Bad: I didn't know you shaved.
Homestar: Oh, I don't. It's cinnamon.

Cartilage Head · « **Reply #36 on:** 13 Oct 2006, 20:51 »

"You can't just have your characters state how they're feeling! That makes me feel angry!- Robot Devil, Futurama

"I can hardly keep my eyes open.."
"I can hardly keep my pee-hole open.." Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter, Stella.

"If you don't start making sense right now I am takin' out my weiner and I will SMACK YOU DOWN." Michael Ian Black,Stella.

"Fine mister ZOOKEEPER.. we'll go back to our CAGE." Michael Ian Black, Stella.

One more.. "I haven't laughed that hard since my last BUSSINESS TRANSACTION!" David Wain, Stella.

Kugai · « **Reply #37 on:** 13 Oct 2006, 20:52 »

From Firefly

Mal, sitting naked and alone on a rock in the desert

"Yep, THAT could have gone better!"

AlexAttack · « **Reply #38 on:** 14 Oct 2006, 01:02 »

Also from Firefly
River's trying to eat something tied to a stick with string
"This food is problematic"

SilentJ · « **Reply #39 on:** 26 Oct 2006, 06:27 »

Simpsons:
"Aw, I wanted a peanut!"

"Dad, my basketball's stuck on the roof!"
*Homer shoots basketball; falls to the ground and deflates*
*points gun back at ceiling*
"want me to get the cat down?"
"No thanks!"

Braveheart:
"We make spears... twice as long as any man."
"But some mean are longer than others."
"Ah, your mum been telling stories about me again, then?"

"Yes, Father, I'll ask him! The Almighty says, 'Stop changing the subject and answer the fuckin' question.' "

"The Almighty says he can get me out of this situation, but he's pretty sure you're fucked."

Snatch (again):

"Look, boys, the deal was you bought it as you saw it. I've helped you as much as I'm gonna help ye."
"I think-..."
"I think ye best be off while ye still got the legs to carry ye."
"Nobody-..."
"Nobody brings a fella like ye with 'em unless they're tryin' ta say something without usin' words."
"Look, Mickey, we'll sell you back the caravan and we can just be off."
"What the fuck would I want with a caravan that's got no fuckin' wheels?"

Fiddler · « **Reply #40 on:** 26 Oct 2006, 21:26 »

If you havent watched Avatar, it can be hilarious:

Aang: "Wait! My friends need to suck on those frogs!"

Sokka: [hunting a cute baby animal] You're awfully cute. But unfortunetly for you, your made of meat.

Katara: You've been hallucinating on cactus juice all day, and now you lick something you find stuck to the wall of a cave?
Sokka: I have a natural curiosity.

Sokka: [while hallucinating] Drink cactus juice! It'll quench ya!
[runs around]
Sokka: Nothing's quenchier!
[while doing 'the worm']
Sokka: It's the quenchiest!

Cartilage Head · « **Reply #41 on:** 29 Oct 2006, 21:01 »

"They need to create a new, all purpose medication, and call it.. FUCKITOL. 'I don't feel anything, I don't want to do anything, Fuckitol.' " Robin Williams.

"The only way that marijuana is a perfromance enhancing drug is if there's a big fuckin' Hershey Bar at the end of the run." Robin Williams.

"Michael Ian Black: I'm gonna PIG out." (Making dumb animal puns.)
"David Wain:Well, can you be a DEER and help me out with this?"
"Michael Showalter: Hey, have you guys ever touched a dog's balls?"
(Silence)
"Michael Showalter: I.. I thought we were talking about animals." - Stella.

Gridgm · « **Reply #42 on:** 30 Oct 2006, 07:16 »

well technically this is off a radio serial (the goons) but...

There should be a law against trains blowing off steam while people are wear kilts!

arcturus · « **Reply #43 on:** 31 Oct 2006, 22:02 »

fifth element:
Korben Dallas: Good thing for me it's not loaded.
Mugger: [giggles] What do you mean it's not loaded?
Korben Dallas: You have to... push that yellow button to load it.
Mugger: [pauses, then laughs hesitantly]
Korben Dallas: Take your time.

Police: Are you classified as human?
Korben Dallas: Negative, I am a meat popsicle.

Mr. Kim: You are fired. Oh.
Korben Dallas: Well, at least I won lunch.

bbillrich · « **Reply #44 on:** 01 Nov 2006, 23:23 »

Futurama: [Al Gore is playing Dungeons & Dragons]
Al Gore: I'm a 10th level Vice President.

m0o0oeh · « **Reply #45 on:** 02 Nov 2006, 19:31 »

"Stop, please... the spirit is willing but the flesh is... spongy and bruised..." Zapp Brannigan

"You mean "Wanna-bang-go!" Quagmire

"Damn you vile woman!" Stewie

"I've got a present for you. I'll give you a hint. It's in my daiper and it's not a toaster!" Stewie

You gotta love that little guy aintcha!

Joe

SilentJ · « **Reply #46 on:** 03 Nov 2006, 02:29 »

Family Guy

Peter: "How about that side-boob? Do you like that side-boob? You shouldn't, because that's my side-boob."

superwill · « **Reply #47 on:** 03 Nov 2006, 03:24 »

Malcolm Reynolds, Serenity
"We might run into some turbulence and then explode."

Stewie Griffin, Family Guy
"It's not that I want to kill Lois, it's just that I want her not to be alive. Anymore. Sometimes I wonder if all women are this difficult. Then I think: Wouldn't it be marvelous if I turned out to be a homosexual?"

Superman, Family Guy
"Yeah, a hooker made a crack about me being faster than a speeding bullet and I broke her in half."

Anna Banana · « **Reply #48 on:** 03 Nov 2006, 03:55 »

(From Futurama)

Lila: We have to save two of every animal and put them on the spaceship

Bender: Why two?

(Lila whispers why to Bender. Bender laughs.)

=PPPP

Anna Banana · « **Reply #49 on:** 03 Nov 2006, 03:59 »

Oh and from Lois & Clark:

Lois (to Clark): All right, maybe somewhere very deep inside me is some eensy-weensy, microcosmic-although highly unlikely-possibility that I feel some sort of unmotivated, complete unrealistic attraction to you.

THESE FORUMS NOW CLOSED (read only)

Author Topic: The Funniest Quotes (Read 23752 times)

not a pimecone

ChaoticEvil

rage

Electric Monk

Danish McGill

Mogman

nuisance

AlexAttack

Bujawka

AlexAttack

Archangel_Lucifer

AlexAttack

Fiddler

arcturus

bbillrich

m0o0oeh

superwill

Anna Banana

Anna Banana