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Poetry is an art!

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schimmy:
alrighty, everyone. i am currently in a poetry/songwriting mood, and have been working on this one for the past couple of days.
what do you all think? constructive criticism is encouraged, so, please, say what works and what doesn't.

--- Quote ---curtains glow with morning sun.
stay in bed, 'neath white sheets.
wrap tightly, protect yourself.
we burn easily.
night falls,
the feeling doesn't pass.
streetlights glare
show more than i'd like.
close my eyes,
i'm trying to sleep.
try not to stare,
can't help it
more than ever, i see.
stomach grins,
my hunger-strike is over,
eat a burger.
don't care that i've killed
buildings rise with the profits
built on lies of broken prophets
bury the truth,
we don't need it
--- End quote ---

mberan42:
Yeah, pretty much my original post contributed nothing to this thread... My apologies.

schimmy:
Yeah, basically.

Scytale:
Yeah thats pretty good I like the imagery.  The last bit "buildings rise with the profits \ built on lies of broken prophets" sounds a bit forced to me, I dunno it just seems to stick out a bit awkwardly

Most of the lyrics etc I write tend to be Stream of conciousness, train of thought type things, sometimes I'll have a phrase or something in my head then I'll listen to the music and just make up the words to suit the rythm.

This is a song I wrote about my Grandfather's funeral, it was kind of a cathartic experience writing it, gave me a good outlet to deal with a lot of crap that was in my head. I wrote it nearly 2 years ago now and I still think it's one of the best things I've ever recorded...



Tears streaming down her face
A few cold and lonely people gather here today
"Never again" and life forever changed

Empty and numb
And the casket is carried away
Standing by the grave
Here after departed
"Never again" and its not the same

Cannot think emotionless through he's death
So fucking empty, nothing else left
"Goodbye".

schimmy:
That's one of my thoughts, Scytale. I liked the line, but didn't have a poem to put it in, so I shoved it in this one. I'll probably take it out in the next revision.

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