Hi guys,
As I'm sure you all already know, I am very important to the continued existence of this forum. I know, I know, I lurked for a while, stopped coming for a while, and don't really wow anybody with my posts, but here I am now, and without me it will all fall apart. Given my level of importance to this network, I've decided to charge you royalties on every word that passes through my forum.
Sure, I don't actually maintain the servers, I didn't write the code to run the forums, and I certainly don't pay for the bandwidth or really do anything to help keep this place running. Sure, I might not be that important or relevant, or even have a lot to say when you guys get into the really cool discussions on music that I'm unfamiliar with. Nonetheless, you all owe me royalties that I will collect on behalf of Jeph, Mike's boss, and all the good quality posters you regularly enjoy.
For every word enjoyed, I will collect from readers $.00002, in whichever currency presently trades at the highest rate internationally. For every word posted in the music forum, I will collect 15.50 Dongs, or the equivalent in your regional currency. For every word posted in the general discussion forum, I will require 0.001 mL of virgin blood, or an equivalent amount in other satanic alchemicals, as traded on the NYSE. All other boards will be billed at half the rate of whichever other rate seems to be trading the highest on the given day.
Periods and spaces will cost half the price of a word, additional paragraphs or line breaks will cost four words each, BBcode is strictly not to be used without written consent from myself, and emoticons cost ten words.
These fees are all retroactive to your join date. In the event that you joined on the old, defunct forums, there will be a one time levy of 379 metric tons of alpaca fur, to be supplied proportionally by each forum member registered at that point.
I am glad we can settle this amiably and without trouble. Please note that if my fees are not immediately forthcoming and post dated any later than 3:00 tomorrow morning, all legal means of recourse will be taken.
Thanks,
James