I saw a terrible movie on Friday night. And it was worse than a normal terrible movie, because it was meant to be a good movie. It was called Two Lovers. It was directed by . . . I want to say Tony Gray, but that's not right, 'cause that's the guy from the Wire . . . Umm . . . We Own the Knight, the Yards . . . James Gray! That's the one. It was directed by James Gray, and it starred Joaquin Phoenix, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Vinessa Shaw. Basically, in the film Phoenix's character, who's bipolar, starts going out with Shaw's character, but then gets a crush on Paltrow's character. Tedium ensues.
The first problem with this movie was that the characters are in their thirties, I guess, but they all behave like teenagers. Seriously. For starters Phoenix's character lives with his parents. Okay, but his mentally ill, so sure, whatever. But then when we're introduced to Shaw's character it's because she's come round to dinner at Phoenix's parents' apartment - with her parents. And then when Phoenix's parents mention that he takes photos, Shaw and Phoenix scurry off to Phoenix's bedroom - where they sit on his bed while he mumbles and shows her his photos and she's all "Wow, did you take these? That's so amazing". I mean seriously, this is not the behaviour of people who are in their thirties. Grown-ups to not behave this way. So that's fucking weird, and for a while I tried enjoying the film as some kind of bizarre art-film conceptual exercise in having grown-up actors play teenagers. But that approach didn't really pay off.
Then there's the flagrant male wish-fulfillment element. Phoenix's character basically has no redeeming qualities. He's flaky and he follows people around like a puppy and he mumbles all the time. It's some pretty cheesy "crazy person" acting from Phoenix, to be honest. And yet Shaw's character falls head-over-heels in love with him because . . . I dunno, because her parents like his parents and because he takes nice photos and because he's sensitive and damaged, I guess. At one point she actually says to him "I want to take care of you." Yes, Tony James Gray, we all want a gorgeous woman to take care of us, but it's not going to happen because we live in the real world, not some shitty wannabe-heavyweight Hollywood drama. But the male fantasy gets even worse: eventually Phoenix's character and Paltrow's character have sex (following a ludicrous "I love you, it's real love" speech from Phoenix - what exactly it is that he loves isn't clear, because Paltrow's character has all the depth and detail of a piece of paper. Maybe it's her purdy gold hair?). The sex lasts literally ten seconds, tops. Two thrusts from Phoenix (good sex acting, Joaquin), grunt, then it's all over. Oh, and this takes place fully clothed, on an apartment roof-top, in the middle of winter. Okay, whatever, sometimes people have crappy sex - but then, in the next scene, Phoenix's character is talking on the telephone to Paltrow's character, and Paltrow says - I swear to god - "That was beautiful".
IN YOUR FUCKING DREAMS, TONY JAMES GRAY!
Oh, and extra bonus hack directing points: post-sex, cut to long shot of the apartment rooftop. All is silent, except for church bells which can be heard ringing in the distance. DID YOU GET THAT, AUDIENCE, OR WAS IT TOO SUBTLE FOR YOU? THE BELLS MEAN HE JUST GOT LAID!!
Trust me, I've only scratched the crappy surface of this film. The worse part is that there are many critics who genuinely seemed to be moved and impressed by this awful nonsense.
Isabella Rossellini's character was good, though. Also, apparently now Elias Koteas is playing "the older man". Freaky.