Fun Stuff > CHATTER
DEAR JOHNNY C
Inlander:
--- Quote from: BrittanyMarie on 18 Mar 2008, 02:02 ---Dear Johnny C,
I recently realized through counseling that I have a problem with being a doormat. How do you assert yourself while still managing to be so nice? I find it pretty hard!
-#1 JC Fan
--- End quote ---
I'll field this one.
#1 JC Fan, I want you to stop and think about why you want to stop being a doormat. Really think about it. Now tell me honestly, would a life of assertion and forthrightness really be as fulfilling as you think it would be? Do you really want to be that one person always saying "Actually guys, I don't know if that's such a good idea"? Do you? Do you?
Now that you've thought about that, I have a few words to tell you about the exciting world of being a worker drone. Join the worlds fastest-growing employment sector! Job opportunities abound! Never be kept awake at night by your hopes and dreams ever again - as a worker drone, the bossman does the hoping and dreaming for you, so that you don't have to!
Read all about it and other exciting opportunities in the field of soul-deadening mundaneness in my new book, Beige is for Weekends Too: the limitless possibilities of total resignation.
imapiratearg:
Dear Johnny C,
You killed my dog. I hate you forever.
Love,
Imapiratearg.
Cernunnos:
*Waits patiently for the gag accounts to arrive*
Liz:
Dear Johnny,
I think your 10,000th post should be an epic re-post of what you consider to be your best material.
Thank you,
Liz
Inlander:
--- Quote from: imapiratearg on 18 Mar 2008, 05:22 ---Dear Johnny C,
You killed my dog. I hate you forever.
Love,
Imapiratearg.
--- End quote ---
Dear Imapiratearg,
As part of the company's annual performance evaluation, your dog was found to be falling behind in the following skill sets:
(a) Fetching (*evaluator's notes: subject declined to fetch weekend newspaper - commitment to company fetching goals is suspect - even when successfully fetched, front page of newspaper often bore obvious signs of bite damage);
(b) Playing (*evaluator's notes: subject often appeared lethargic - subject appeared afraid of squeaky toy)
(c) Submissiveness (*evaluator's notes: subject frequently attempted to claim position of "top dog" - subject displayed signs of extreme and worrying career ambition)
Upon review of the evaluator's field report, the company felt that the best course of action was to offer your dog a full buy-out of its position. As your dog showed no interest in the financial settlement, action was taken to terminate its employment immediately. The company is endeavouring to quickly fill the now vacant position of Your Dog, however due to a seasonal shortage in suitable canine candidates, our team in Non-Human Resources have had to fill the position using employees from a local temp agency. The company hopes that you enjoy many happy moments with your new pet guppy, and reminds you that while you will not be charged for this service, damages will be sought if the guppy should fall ill or die whilst in your care. Please remember not to become too attached to your guppy, as due to the high number of pet vacancies the company can guarantee its employment in the position of Your Pet for a period of no less than three weeks and no greater than five weeks.
Thankyou and have a good day.
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version