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[Scandanavian War Machine]

blog thread,

last night i smoked salvia for the first time.  my entire kitchen collapsed around me and i got stuck in the floor but i was laughing too hard to get scared so it was pretty sweet. my rommate did it before me and he just wandered around for five minutes going "what the?" and looking at his chest. later, he told us that from the waist down he was stuck in a giant roullette wheel floating through space and i quote "i'm never doing that shit again."

i had fun, i'll definitely do it again sometime.

[Lines]

Wellll if your workplace is anything like my school, an open bag of chips is kind of like leftovers in the fridge - first come, first serve.

I mean if the norm is that you leave other people's stuff alone, I'd probably be a little more upset, but a bag of chips is like... two dollars?

It's the latter. It bothered me because basically she ate what I was going to have for lunch without either asking or replacing it before I got there. But she bought me a new bag later, so I'm over it.

[carrotosaurus]

She broke my heart.

[MrBlu]

Smoke some Salvia.

[KvP]

Well blog thread,

About an hour ago I fielded a call from my best friend, or I guess I should say the friend who was my best when she was around. It's been a few months since I've seen or heard from her. Now she has, as she says, cut everyone from her life that she's known for less than three years, save for me, because apparently I am well liked, which is gratifying I suppose.

Anyway, we've made plans for 4/20 (it will be our second anniversary as friends, we met on 4/20/07) as well as plans to see Animal Collective in June. She also surprised me with a proposition to see Thievery Corporation with her and two guys who may or may not be members of Flogging Molly in a few weeks, an offer I think I will take her up on despite my usual rigidity around new people, especially men.

While I relish the thought of seeing her again, mentally, I think my relative calm and lack of lingering depression these last few months has been due to her not being around and thus not weighing on my mind constantly. I will see her because I feel I owe it to her, and to give myself a chance to get over all of this baggage. It's been a few months, maybe that's enough. If it isn't I'll have to tell her we need more time apart to keep myself from imploding with all this confusion.

[Reed]

From reading some of the posts you've written about your friend, I think maybe you treat your friend in a similar manner to how a lot of people would treat a boy/girlfriend. By this, I mean that (this is how it seems to me, so disregard this if it's not true) you seem to take a lot of responsibility for her emotional well being. I think that maybe if you just focused on relaxing, and just hanging out with someone you enjoy you might not have the same problems.

I don't know if I'm really getting my point across. The TL;DR version is just relax, and focus on having a good time in the moment, don't worry about your past or any baggage you have with her.

[Emaline]

A few female workmates always make jokes when a really ugly girl comes up to the bar at work "Here comes your girlfriend" and they wonder why I'm so fucking insecure

That is really terrible. I feel sorry for those girls. I wonder what they'd say if I walked up to the bar.



Hey guys, guess who has had yet another shitty day that has ended in tears. Me! Like always.

My mom is having an affair. She admits to my dad that she and the guy in question flirt, but not that they actually send each other messages online that are less than appropiate, or that he has had his tongue in places where it should not have been. Recently, my mom wanted to go to the city where this man lives so she could go to this cd release party for a band she likes. I openly objected to this, because she doesn't need to see this dude. At all. Especially by herself. My dad keeps pressing me for answers as to why I think she is such a whore, and why I thik she'd cheat on him. I want so badly for him to find out, and for the other two to be completely publically humiliated.

My roommate thinks I'm pathetic and a failure. Woo!

My best friend ever cancelled plans on me and broke my heart.(because he just acted like it didn't matter. He didn't even say "hey, I really want to do this instead." He just fucking was like "oh. I am planning on doing this. Yeah. Sorry." Like our plans never happened and didn't even exist.)

My foot fucking hurts. I can't walk on it. It kills me. Everytime I take a step I have pain shooting up my leg. I can't afford a doctor. I can't afford time off to stay off my foot for a few days. I think they might be something seriously wrong with it and I can't do anything about it. And it scares me a lot.

I want to meet one person who will never lie to me, or use me. This is impossible. So I don't want to know anyone at all ever. I hate everybody and everything and I don't want to talk to any of my friends. I am not important to anyone and I don't matter, and everybody makes this blaringly clear regularly.


Why the fuck do I exist? Why? I have no redeeming qualities at all. I am tired of forcing myself through life. I don't want to wake up anymore. I am done with life. What's the point? What purpose do I serve? I don't understand. I hate living. I don't want to anymore. Nothing makes me happy at all.

I want to run away to Africa or something and just go help people. I don't want to be anybody important. I just want to go somewhere different where I can wake up and have a reason to.

[MrBlu]

MY DOOR RATTLES AS IF THEY WERE PRESSED UP AGAINST IT ON THE OTHER SIDE DESPITE THE FACT THEY ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE HOUSE

That sounds like some epic sex.

I am going to do something about this immediately

Like?

this is fucking unacceptable

Yes it is.

[Emaline]

So after talking to some friends, and not feeling better(and actually feeloing worse), I called a suicide hotline, and ending up setting up an appointment at a semi-local "crisis center," and am now going to go get councelling hopefully somewhat regularly. I have an appointment on Monday.

They wanted an emergency contact number, and I didn't give them one. I couldn't think of anybody who would want to be bothered with something about me. When I got off the phone, I called one of my friends, who I rarely see anymore, who is a really good friend, and is basically the only person I can depend on(I sometimes call him my big brother, or my gargoyle[because he protects me]), and told him about how they wanted an emergency contact number, and I couldn't ask him, but I think he got the hint and said I could give them his. And then he asked when my appointment was, and told me to call him when I get out of it. He is a really good friend.

[Lunchbox]

Emaline I am so glad you are working on this, you are too beautiful a person to waste!

[Hat]

I realised today that I am better friends with people than they are with me if that makes any sense. I really wish I had just one friend who would spend time with me not because they had nothing else to do, not because we had something to do together but just because they enjoyed my company. I on the other hand am perfectly content to do this with a large circle of friends but its never reciprocated and the ever paranoid voice in the back of my mind whispers "maybe they don't really care about you" and I know thats fucking silly because everyone has their own shit and its my problem that I'm obviously so fucking lonely that I need someone to actually desire my company outright, but I'd just like to be able to say "this is my best mate <blank>" and fucking mean it because I'm constantly surrounded by people every minute of every  who laugh at my jokes and say I am a rad dude but I always feel so fucking alone like I'm packed up in styrofoam or something.

[Hat]

Pretty sure I made the first and last posts on that last page, both moaning about how messed up I am

Sorry for taking this out on the internet, blogthread.

[Emaline]

I really want to help people, guys. I really do want to go to some random place, and help people survive. If I could join the peace corps, I would in a heartbeat.

Its funny to me that my options(at least how I see them) are suicide, a path that will continue to lead to thoughts of suicide, or going to a third world country and helping them out.

And I am sorry for being so open and awkwarding everything up by talking about suicide. 


Brett, I know exactly what you mean. And it sucks. It sucks a lot. Its one of the worse feelings in the world.

[Hat]

I'm glad you are getting counselling anyway Emaline. I wound up in the MHU after something resembling a suicide attempt a few months ago and I never got help because I just don't think I can deal with the idea of sitting down face to face with another human being and telling them everything that is wrong with me and it's still sticking in the back of my mind that if I don't do something about it soon I might just become another young man who has offed himself because he's too fucking stupid to be able to talk about his feelings to other people.

I'm so fucking chipper today huh

[Hat]

Or how a thousand people can tell you that your new haircut looks great but it only takes one person to tell you it looks bad and you spend the next month wearing hats even though you are not a person who can pull off hats

It's like the one negative balances out any amount of positives no matter how petty or ridiculous it might be.

[look out! Ninjas!]

Senor. P I know how you feel. It's why I never managed to fit in with any of the larger groups of people in high school, because even though most of them were usually pretty cool on their own there was always one dick who managed to insert himself into that group and would without reason or warning turn on one member of the group and the rest would follow his opinions for some stupid reason so that person who got picked out unfairly would be the object of ridicule for a while and for some reason I was an easy target for the three or so people in my year out of more than a hundred that I was on pretty good terms with if not actually friends with so it was usually me and then eventually I just gave up and did my own thing by myself and whoever wanted to tag along on the day and we'd just do nothing all lunch. I think this is a problem in most high schools no?

[Hat]

On a less depressing note I bought some new underpants and socks today. This is a pretty rare occasion for me and I decided to branch out into boxer-briefs. I have rocked  both boxers and briefs and found them both to have their advantages and disadvantages but the last time I tried the missing link between the two a year or so ago, it was with a pair of synthetic boxer briefs that I had some kind of reaction to that made my foreskin go kind of hard/crumbly and my dick weep uncontrollably, accompanied by horrible pain like my penis was being dragged over sandpaper whenever I walked. So I have had a kind of terrified mental block against even considering boxer briefs again but I popped into target and bought two pairs of nice 100% cotton boxer briefs and so far I am getting some confusing readings from my groinal region but not in a bad way. More like when you eat icecream and then immediately sip on a hot beverage.

Full trip report coming in a few hours once I have decided on a verdict.

[SirJuggles]

Looking forward to full report.

Those ones you had before sound like the boxer-briefs from hell. I was not aware that items of clothing could actually give you an STI...

[BeoPuppy]

[...] this is unacceptable fucking [...]

Had to do it. Sorry.

[Eris]

Today I:

* N.apb.e axrgy ldrb.ycjo! Yd. aoocibm.by C dak. br, mat.o mrp. o.bo.v
* N.uy a n.jygp. .apnf abe oay aprgbe urp ab drgpv
* N.apb.e axrgy o.mc[jrnrbo! C ydcbt C er yd.m ,prbi orm.ycm.ow xgy tbr, C tbr,v
* C ydcbt C ay. ab aby ,dcn. .aycbi a xcojgcyw abe cy xcy mf yrbig.w x.jago. cy ,ao oycbicbi urp ai.ov
*<ayjd.e a mrkc. axrgy jrjdn.ap cmlnabyo! C anor urgbe rgy yday mf n.jygp.p dae a jpgod rb Hr.f Ngjao ,d.b d. ,ao mf ai.v <.cpev
* Rb yd. ,af drm. C oa, y,r pacbxr, jnrgeov Yd.f ap. a,.orm.v
*Mf t.fxrape e.jce.e yr ir cboab.v <rr!

[Hat]

Today hannah took mushrooms and DMT

[Eris]

Translation!

* Learned about Phonetics! The assignment I have now makes more sense.
* Left a lecture early and sat about for an hour.
* Learned about semi-colons! I think I do them wrong sometimes, but now I know.
* I think I ate an ant while eating a biscuit and it bit my tongue, it was stinging for ages.
* Watched a movie about cochlear implants! I also found out my lecturer had a crush on Joey Lucas (Marlee Matling) when he was my age. Weird.
* On the way home I saw two rainbow clouds.(http://standeyo.com/NEWS/06_Weird/06_Weird_pics/060608.rainbow.clouds.jpg) They are awesome.
* My keyboard decided to go insane! Woo!

(Brett's explanation sounds more interesting, but this happened to me in meebo a little while ago, so I knew how to fix it.)
Also Brett, I have the whole "No one really likes me and everyone really is just being polite to me and wish I would just go away" thoughts a lot and anyone who does like me will sooner or later realise that I am boring and never talk to me again. I tried to talk to someone about my awful self-image last year, but the guy kinda just ended up listening to me talk about my shitty family and what I should do when I get really depressed. So it didn't really help. So don't worry, even if you think everyone doesn't really like you I think that you don't really like me either, so you're not at the bottom of the self-hate pile, I guess?

I don't think that really helps, though.

[BeoPuppy]

That post was far from boring, though, sweets.

[Jace]

I want to give the last two pages of the blog thread posters hugs.
Guys, I work alone, blah blah blah, I hate it, blah blah blah, you've heard all this before.

I am going to a concert on friday with a ladyfriend and the dudes in the band are going to say that I am sexy and all the single ladies should sleep with me. I have known this band for like 4 years, so it's really cool that these dudes do this sort of thing. They also delivered the tickets to my work. Which is where I told them I was talking a ladyfriend with me, and they said they'd help me get her into the sack.

[David_Dovey]

Aw that is so cool of them that they'd help you manipulate a girl so you can fuck her

(ok so I know it's not entirely serious but still come on)

[Jace]

I just think it's hilarious that they'd actually do that.

[Hat]

Translation!

* Learned about Phonetics! The assignment I have now makes more sense

Phonetics is so rad we should talk about it some time (serious)

I tried to talk to someone about my awful self-image last year, but the guy kinda just ended up listening to me talk about my shitty family and what I should do when I get really depressed. So it didn't really help. So don't worry, even if you think everyone doesn't really like you I think that you don't really like me either, so you're not at the bottom of the self-hate pile, I guess?

Actually it does kind of help because it reinforces the idea I have that talking to someone will just be a further exacerbation of the overall complex I have and that most of my problems are caused by thinking about my problems, and makes me feel less guilty about being so determined to just ride this shit out.

I just think it's hilarious that they'd actually do that.

Yeah dogg its hilarious mostly because it wouldn't work except on insane bitches.

[Spluff]

One HD has Slamball! It is on at 3 am, but I am prepared to make that sacrifice.

[Hat]

What is Slamball?

Also what is One, I have been wondering about this lately it keeps turning up on my dial

Also my housemate got given a big ol TV for free today

[Ladybug]

I feel like I am the only one not super-excited to go to Japan. I mean, I'm sure it'll be really interesting, and an almost free trip to Japan is cool, but I feel like everyone around me is so fucking excited, and if they aren't excited about going there and partying and drinking and having fun, they're excited because they fucking love Japan and all things Japanese. I find myself getting annoyed by all the "OMG, Japan! I loove Japan!", both from people I'm going with and people who hear I'm going there. I can't stand manga or anime or really anything a lot of them base their love for Japan upon (not that there aren't things to like, I just don't like what most others seem to base their love upon). Like I said, I'm certain it will be really interesting, because it's a completely different culture, and I'll probably have fun and enjoy the trip, I just don't get all the hype.

Why do I feel bad about not being super excited about this? I almost feel like someone else should be going instead of me.

[pwhodges]

it will be really interesting, because it's a completely different culture, and I'll probably have fun and enjoy the trip,

That's what I found when I went there on business 25 years ago - it was great!  It is well worth studying up on the culture in advance, to help you interpret what you see and experience.

[Jace]

I just think it's hilarious that they'd actually do that.

Yeah dogg its hilarious mostly because it wouldn't work except on insane bitches.

This girl has issues, so she says. Maybe it will work.

[Hat]

o/

[Jace]

\o

Issues

[pen]

Blog thread,

My sister is up visiting from North Carolina, but she made no effort to try and coordinate a time to get together prior to her arrival.  When I called her the day she got to Mass, she informed me that she had plans every day and that Sunday afternoon was her only opportunity to see me.  So.... friends come before family, I guess.  I mean, with the rest of my family, that'd be fine.  i dont' give a shit about anyone else.  My sister has always been closest to me and it really hurts that she said "figure it out" when I told her that Sunday was really inconvenient for me.  I could have taken a day off of work to hang out, but nope.  She's got other things to do.  I'm considering saying fuck it and just not seeing her this time, but I know that'd just bite me in the ass later. 

Also, I'm sleep deprived and am not motivated at work at all, lately.  Oddly, I got a present at work today saying just how helpful I have been.  I have been wicked depressed lately, and I'm not sure if it's because of the sleep thing, the stress of looking for a preschool, other regular mom duties, I haven't danced in ages, or what.  All of the above and then some, I'm sure, but it's really taking its toll on me.  I've been engaged in more stupid fucking arguments lately than I care to and it's probably all my fault.  I dunno.  I just want to go back to bed and stay there and hide under the covers and not do anything until it's warm outside. 

I feel like I've just been bringing everyone else down with me lately, and that's not what I want.  I want Jon and Faye to be happy.  More than anything in the world, I want that, but I haven't been contributing much to their happiness with my moods.  Knowing that I'm somewhat toxic right now, I'm not sure I should be around until I'm feeling better, but they're also they only ones who have the ability to make me feel better.  I just don't know what to do anymore. 

Maybe I should start going to the gym again.  Exercise releases endorphins; endorphins make you happy.  It's the only thing I can find that I have the ability to change, but again, I'm just not feeling motivated. 

[Hat]

Underwear trip report: having issues with the legs making their way up but it only really gets annoying when I think about it so I am not sure if this is a serious fault in boxer briefs or whether I'll get used to it. I haven't walked around in just them and a tshirt yet to see how I look because sometimes I just don't want to wear pants.

[look out! Ninjas!]

I never feel quite right in new underwear so I assume having a new style would be even weirder to get used to.

[Hat]

Yeah like I always expected a certain amount of resistance as long as it actually doesn't cause me PHYSICAL PAIN.

[David_Dovey]

What brand did you get Brett? I have been wearing Bonds for years and just recently got a couple of pairs of Davenport boxer briefs and they are the best thing. I do not have anywhere near the riding-up and they are soft and stretchy as hell so it is kind of like wearing nothing and it feels like your dudes are being supported by a cloud

[Hat]

Really dig the Davenport  boxers so am keen to check out their boxer-briefs but basically walked into target and picked out some bond ones cause they were the first cotton ones I saw that looked comfortable.

[David_Dovey]

Bonds are fine and all and I especially like the little thing they have in the front for your guy to poke out of, but the Davenport ones are something else altogether.

[Emaline]

I am currently wearing Hanes Boy Briefs, which I purchased at Target. They are white, with multi colored stars on them. They have a turquoise band at the top. I bought them because I also bought a dress and I needed a pair of undies to completely cover my bottom when I wear the dress, so I'm not going around flashing folks. They are rather comfy.



Guys, while talking to the dude last night, he told me that I should try to sell some of my art at one of our street markets. Since I live literally two blocks away from one and its only $15 to set up a booth, I am thinking of doing this. How much do you think I could sell my art for?

[Liz]

Dearest Bloggy Thread,

The flood in Fargo has been interrupted by a snowstorm.

WTF.

[valley_parade]

You live in one fucked up town, Liz.

Today is nice, and neither floody nor snowy! It's sunny! When I get home, I'm going to cook a late breakfast (lunch, I guess. But it will be eggs and toast), go out onto the back porch, eat, and listen to AmAnSet albums all afternoon.

(i've just noted that my past few blog thread posts have been direct comparisons to Liz's life. Weird!)

[Dimmukane]

I have heard heck of bad things about the flooding in Fargo.  Hope things are alright for you guys.

[Liz]

We're apparently headed for record-breaking flood levels, but with all the help that's been coming in we should have it under control. People are sandbagging around the clock, it's crazy. I'm headed out again today as soon as I finish making my lunch!

[Barmymoo]

I went to Liverpool today! It was awesome, the museums we went to were 1000000000x better than the London ones that I went to and the cost was only £2.50 for the whole trip rather than £40. That seems a rather extreme difference even taking into account the fact that London was an overnight stay.

Fun fact: my MP thinks I'm a communist because I suggested that nationalising the post office might prevent the demise of the postal system and also improve the economy. I'm so glad to know that the person representing my views in Parliament is such a charming man with a real desire to take into account the opinions and views of his constituency (hint: he is a twat).

[MrBlu]

I feel like I am the only one not super-excited to go to Japan. I mean, I'm sure it'll be really interesting, and an almost free trip to Japan is cool, but I feel like everyone around me is so fucking excited, and if they aren't excited about going there and partying and drinking and having fun, they're excited because they fucking love Japan and all things Japanese. I find myself getting annoyed by all the "OMG, Japan! I loove Japan!", both from people I'm going with and people who hear I'm going there. I can't stand manga or anime or really anything a lot of them base their love for Japan upon (not that there aren't things to like, I just don't like what most others seem to base their love upon). Like I said, I'm certain it will be really interesting, because it's a completely different culture, and I'll probably have fun and enjoy the trip, I just don't get all the hype.

Why do I feel bad about not being super excited about this? I almost feel like someone else should be going instead of me.

Oy, I know what you mean. There was this group of kids in my hear at the old uptown school I went to. Spending 5 minutes with them was unbearable (they were my close friends). Every thing is "Japan" this, and "Manga" that, and "Oooohmygawsh that is so kawaii desu na".

Eventually I get tired of them, and took them into a conversation (cussed the @#$% out) about how you're soul-less idiots without a personality and a mind of their own.

What's funny, is when you try to get them to admit that Anime and cartoons are the same thing.

[tania]

so now i have spent over 24 consecutive hours in the university library typing maniacally and surrounded by red bull and coffee and cigarettes and candy, this stupid 5000 word research paper i have been pouring my sweat and blood into is about absolute nothing and so is the other 5000 word research paper i need to write immediately after i hand in this one.
it feels like i have been here for years, i just want to sleep

[benji]

Oy, I know what you mean. There was this group of kids in my hear at the old uptown school I went to. Spending 5 minutes with them was unbearable (they were my close friends). Every thing is "Japan" this, and "Manga" that, and "Oooohmygawsh that is so kawaii desu na".

I went to college with an American guy who grew up in Japan (one of his parents worked for the State department there I think). He really liked the Japanese language, and of course, was quite proficient having grown up going to Japanese schools, so he got a summer job as one of the teachers at a Japanese Language intensive summer camp for high school students. He became quite frustrated with all of the anime fans who thought they had learned Japanese by watching Sailor Moon. When we got back to college he said "If I meet one more 14 year boy who speaks Japanese like a 12 year old girl, someone's going to end up in the hospital."