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Please, Just Let Me Die Already

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jhocking:

--- Quote from: Bastardous Bassist on 07 Sep 2009, 11:19 ---I am curious, too.  I am the king of getting someone's number, having an awesome conversation with them on the phone, then having that person never answer another one of my phone calls.  Maybe I'm not the king, but this always seems to happen to me.

--- End quote ---

This happened to me a couple times a long time ago.  In one memorable case I think because she was still kinda with her boyfriend back home so after we had an awesome phone conversation she chickened out.  I don't really hold it against any of those girls though because I'm pretty sure I've pulled that kinda shit on other people.  Even now sometimes I'm still a thoughtless dick to people who are just trying to flirt a little bit; the other day at the grocery store I realized after the fact that the cashier was trying to start a conversation and I felt bad for making her feel awkward.

I guess my point here is to back up what tania said, that when someone you are interested in sends very mixed signals it's probably not because they are deliberately fucking with you but because people tend to be self-absorbed and only concerned about themselves.

Alex C:

--- Quote from: jhocking on 07 Sep 2009, 12:57 ---I guess my point here is to back up what tania said, that when someone you are interested in sends very mixed signals it's probably not because they are deliberately fucking with you but because people tend to be self-absorbed and only concerned about themselves.

--- End quote ---


This. Don't get too bent out of shape over it and try not to ever let it make you feel bitter or anything. This guy may be a perfectly nice person in other situations (or he might not, but that's kind of immaterial). Either he's a jerk or he just has his head up his butt right now because he's fixated on some other girl and his own issues. Sometimes he pulls his head out long enough to notice you, but that doesn't mean he won't go right back to his usual routine. People do this sometimes and there's really nothing to do but move on and recognize that we're silly creatures.

BrittanyMarie:
or he could be like me, if i don't feel like hanging out or i don't have anything to respond to, i just won't answer. i used to not have unlimited texts so not i still have the mentality of if it's not urgent or whatever i just won't respond since it's a waste of 15 cents or whatever. it's not like purposely ignoring, it's the fact that i think i get a bunch of mass text 'wut r u doing?" texts or "hey party at this person's place!" or "hey, there's a thing going on at this place" and if i don't want to go out, i just won't bother writing back. it'd feel more asshole-like to be just like "no. i don't feel like it." and then sometimes i genuinely would like to hang out with someone but every time they text me i'm in a stay at home mood or have other plans... it's one of those "awesome! yeah, we should totally hang out! it'd be fun, just give me a shout sometime" nonspecific things

Ptommydski:
It's a complicated situation which we all tend to see from whichever position we have most recently occupied. We tend to subconsciously bias our explanations even if we aren't completely aware of it. It basically comes down to uncertainty and ordinary social etiquette. There's really nothing particularly malicious about it from either standpoint.

First - Uncertainty. It's actually really hard to know when someone is genuinely hitting on you (or whatever it is you are doing to show an interest) and the fear of being wrong tends to make people play their cards very close to their chest as a result. There's really nothing abnormal about being apprehensive about potential embarrassment. That happens to borderline everyone I should imagine. What you think is really obvious flirting is probably still quite subtle.

Second - Etiquette. If they aren't particularly interested in you, it's remarkably difficult to say it in a completely inoffensive way. Especially if they don't even really know if you are making a play for their attention in the first place. The average person will avoid awkward confrontation like the plague. Telling somebody that you aren't interested or attracted to them is a really difficult and potentially horrible scenario and it's not unnatural to want to avoid it at all costs. Especially if the easier option is there and you don't regularly encounter the other person.

The other thing to remember is that another person doesn't actually know what you think and more importantly perhaps you don't actually know what they are thinking. Maybe they are just really oblivious and naive. Maybe they legitimately have a lot of things going on in their life which takes precedent. Personally I have virtually no leisure time at all and I have the hardest time making and keeping appointments and arrangements or sustaining any kind of normal relationship because of this. When I tell people that or drop friendly hints to that effect, they seem to ignore it because people tend to idealise what they hear to suit their best case scenario. There's so many variables when you consider how much can occupy someone's life. Work, family, education, hobbies - hell, just travelling from A to B, sleeping and doing laundry. Prioritising is a big part of being an adult and that which is not strictly necessary gets pushed to the back of the queue.

Specific to MaiAda's particular problem - There's a lot of people out there who like specific types of people and you shouldn't be offended if you don't fall into their criteria. Especially when it comes to men because their criteria is usually ridiculous. For example - I don't particularly like being in relationships on a local basis but I do sporadically get the urge to have sex. Thus, if I'm looking for a girl, I can usually tell with a good degree of accuracy whether or not she's going to sleep with me on a short term basis. If not, I'm probably going to deflect her because there's always a bunch of girls out there who are looking for the same thing that I'm looking for. Sometimes it's okay to want no strings sex, that's not at all specific to men. If you get rejected or ignored on that basis, is that really a bad thing? All it means is you're not the right person for one specific agenda at that particular time. Not the end of the world.

That or you're just a bit too fat.

jmrz:
Okay, so Tommy gives pretty great advice. Telling someone you aren't interested in them is really really hard for a lot of people. I've been in that situation three times since I broke up with my ex and for each one of those I was able to say that I was kind of seeing someone. One of those I bought up casually in conversation (to get rid of a friend I made the mistake of having a one night stand with), another one blatantly told me that he was "pretty interested" in me and that I seemed fairly not interested in him. The third actually asked me straight out how my current love life was and I mentioned I was seeing someone. I just couldn't bring myself to tell any of them that I wasn't actually interested a whole deal because each of them are all decent guys and are quite lovely, yet I didn't want to upset them or seem like a horrible person and just took the easy way out kind of?


Anyway, relationship advice is something I need.

So, I'm kind of sort of seeing someone. We used to work together, got chatting again after I broke up with my ex, chatting turned into flirting and flirting turned into us making out. We talked about it all before we got too into it and basically agreed that it was entirely no-strings-attached as I'd just broken up with my ex and didn't particularly want to jump straight into another relationship after a few long term ones over the past few years.

After a few weeks I pretty much told him that I did like him and didn't want to make things weird. We talked about actually dating and seeing how things went and whatever, but not particularly telling everyone we knew that we were A Couple. This was great! We both seemed to be happy with this option. The next time I see him (later on that week I think), he tells me that he doesn't want to do the Serious Relationship thing, doesn't want to make things weird and can we keep things as they are? I am a touch disappointed but was all "this is okay, I mean, I'm coming from long term relationship after long term relationship, keeping things as they are is good with me, and besides, it's not like either of us are out looking for anyone else right now" he agreed and we just left it at that.

So, fast forward to now, which is about three months since this started. We talk pretty much every day, he'll send me random texts if we haven't talked in a while to tell me about his day, see how my day was. He's constantly seeing what I'm up to that night and wanting me to come over etc. We hang out every Friday which basically involves watching him play indoor soccer (he plays with his brother and friends, so I sit with their gf's and chat), then we all grab dinner, then we watch a movie and sexytimes ensue). He never wants me to go home and I basically end up getting home at ridiculous hours.

I've had dinner with his Mum and family a couple of times and we get along well. He's cuddly and affectionate with me in front of family and his mum has referred to me, to him, as "your girl".

Basically, the way I see the whole thing is as a 'pseudo-relationship' I guess. I mean, we talk pretty much every day, we get along really well (more so lately, things are starting to feel more relaxed/different/better) and neither of us are with anyone else (that I know of).

It all sounds kind of wonderful and fantastic, because it's the relationship you're having when you aren't having one - all the great bits without the drama almost. Except, I kind of think I might kind of maybe love him? And I can't really tell him that because he didn't want to do the Serious Relationship, but it feels like that's what it is anyway, but I don't want to Ruin Everything Forever.

I dunno, I guess I kind of just want to figure out whether or not he's actually in this for ME or whether he's in it until something else comes along. I don't think it's the second option, he really really doesn't seem like that kind of guy, but things people have mentioned in regards to this kind of situation make me doubt things and all.

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