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Please, Just Let Me Die Already

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snalin:

--- Quote from: Krina on 18 Mar 2009, 13:19 ---tl;dr - I'm half Czech, what does that make me?
--- End quote ---

Hot. Incredibly so.


Dear relationship thread: I'm a teenager and my hormones are trying to eat my brains out with lust. What do I do?

benji:
Josef, I don't think you should read Tommy as saying sex isn't good. It is enjoyable (most of the time) and it is important to (most) people. But obsessing about it probably won't get you anywhere. If you're primarily starting a relationship with someone, going somewhere, or doing something is because it's the course of action most likely to get you laid, you're probably not doing the best thing for your life in general. I'm a big fan of letting your life be your life and having a relationship when you want one.
Then again, I haven't slept with anyone since my ex-fiance and I split, and that was over a year ago now, so maybe I don't know what I'm talking about.

Concerning your friends who tell you it's not all that important and then get in to all of these romantic entanglements, consider the possibility that your friends might be more like smokers trying to tell you that smoking isn't all that cool then like a doctor telling you about the risks of lung cancer. Once you allow yourself to make your life about sex, it's hard to break that habit. That doesn't necessarily mean you're wrong for saying to others "don't make your life about sex." My minister/mentor tells me regularly "we've got to preach beyond our practice." If all the advice we ever give to people stops at the point where we are personally, we can never inspire anyone to be better then we are. Given that we're all pretty flawed human beings, that would be pretty limited advice.

Your original question, "am I not in a relationship because I don't want to be, or am I just afraid?" that's a good question to ask yourself and I ask myself that a lot. I know I'm shy about romance. I also know that this would be a pretty rotten time for me to start a relationship with someone (with one possible exception). Keep asking yourself that question, and if there is someone, go ahead and take the plunge and ask them out (I am completely ignoring my own advice right now, I might post more about that here later).

negative creep:
Snalin, take a cold shower.

Josefbugman:
I do think about it a little too much. hmmm interesting area to examine, thanks dude. My life in general at the moment is sedentary, I am trying to rock the oat a little and I figured the best way to do that is to make a major change, though sex may not be one of them.

By the way, I would just like to point out a small hole in the reasoning of "preaching beyond yourself" as you put it, surely it is far better to rely on your own ideas and experience than it is to try and inspire things in other people? I mean how can you prove that beyond you is any better? and if it is then why aren't you doing it? (sorry, been doing theological reading for the last week or so, so I am stuck in that mindset)

Thanks for the advice dude.

benji:
No need to apologize to me for being too theological. I'm probably starting seminary in about 6 months, and currently act as one of the lay-ministry leaders of my church. That flaw you point to assumes a rational actor model, which is itself flawed, especially when dealing with individuals. I'm a person. I have faults which I can be aware of, and work to overcome those faults. I can also help people to work on those faults in themselves, even if I haven't yet overcome them. If I can't do this, then I have no business being a religious leader. Example: one of my faults is that I'm shy about romance. I can overcome this fault, I hope. But I haven't yet. If a friend comes to me and seeks advice from me about how they're having trouble meeting women, and it becomes clear to me that he's engaged in the same kind of self-sabotage that many shy men, including myself, engage in, do I better serve my friend in this case by remaining silent simply because I haven't yet overcome that fault in myself? Or do I suggest to him that this might be his problem, acknowledge that it's mine too, and offer whatever little insight I might currently have on it? You're right, it would be better if I had overcome the flaw myself, though I would suggest that it would be worse in many ways if I never had it to start with. People who have never had problems with romantic shyness basically just say "man up and do it," which is all well and good, but doesn't really help as much as talking to someone who struggles with the same character flaw.

Your objection also seems to assume that personal experience is the only authoritative source. Psychologists can draw on a body of research. Ministers can draw on scripture, theology, and philosophy. Friends can draw on any personal knowledge they may have. Perhaps that authority isn't as good as my personal experience, but it's none the less valuable. Put in very simple terms, I can say to a child "you should brush your teeth twice a day," and if I look for it, I can find significant research showing that this habit is of benefit. I can do this, even though I often only find time to brush my teeth once a day. I am preaching beyond my practice: I am saying "we aught to do this," while (hopefully) acknowledging that I don't always succeed at doing it myself.

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