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[Alex C]

Yeah, pretty much. Hopefully I'll find someone else I get along with and care about to that extent again. Apparently it can be a bit tricky though.

[20 jazz funk greats]

I don't really think that the idea of "the one" is that all that crazy. Instead of saying "the one", say "person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with". The idea that there is one person out there you're destined to be with, and if you miss them that's it, you missed your shot at happiness, that's crazy. But when people say "the one", they're not talking about destiny or Disney or happily ever after. They're talking about a person they want to spend the rest of their life with, that they'll put the effort into. Somebody else who feels exactly the same way about them.
If two people have that mutual attraction and desire, why shouldn't they be able to spend the rest of their lives together? And why shouldn't they be 'the one'?

There's billions of people, and any number of them could be a person you could spend the rest of your life with. But when you get that feeling, when you find that relationship, it's the only one.
The only one.
The one.

thaaaank you. i believe in this, and i don't think i'm  being silly or naive or delusional.

[Dimmukane]

I will posit that this concept includes lifelong friends.  I can say with certainty that there are a few people whom I would go out of my way to be able to spend the rest of my life with; if not in the same bed, then in close proximity.  There is a level of companionship above that, obviously, but my ties to these people are very strong and I go out of my way not to weaken them.

[pwhodges]

"The one"

I felt that having actually brought up the idea of "the one" in the Age thread in Discuss, I should defend it here; but Darryl has said near enough what I wanted to.

[calenlass]

I think my beef with the term "the one" is that not everyone implies that there is a decision behind it. Even my own sister is still waiting around, not really dating anyone, because she is waiting to find the "right person", and even though she has plenty of friends who are guys that she likes and thinks are cute and respects and shares opinions and all that stuff, she doesn't really ever give them a chance because she is waiting for a bulldozer or something. My other sister settled for her husband; she even told me once that this was "probably as good as it was ever gonna get". Most of the chicks I have ever known (besides people like Cristi and Kat) are kind of the same way, dating boys just until something better comes along, always keeping an eye out for it. And for all that my momma told me that boys are supposed to be the wild ones, sleeping around and fearing commitment and always wanting more than just one girl, well, my experience has definitely led me to believe otherwise.

I kind of like the idea that people might not actually be as ridiculous as I think they are, but I won't get my hopes up. Still, the notion of making someone your One is refreshing. Like, my parents and all my grandparents and aunts and uncles and stuff have pretty much done that anyway, but I guess I hadn't really heard anyone talk about it that way before.


This is why I keep coming back to this internet, guys. Thanks.

[Alex C]

Yeah, see, the lady I loved was actually more than a bit skeptical about our relationship at first, and for good reasons. I wasn't so good following at the "Nobody should be a cock to a stranger, ever!" rule back then. Like a lot of guys I mellowed out some though and she helped rein me in a bit as well. Overall we were good for each other, because if anything she wasn't quite selfish enough and would take on other people's problems too readily. Meanwhile I just extended my selfish streak to include her needs in my list of things that will happen at all costs. We still had rough patches though and I doubt we would have dated at all if it had been left to her to make the first move.

[NeverQuiteGoth]

So,

I really really don't know what to do. Its like I'm going to hate myself for any of my options. I don't know what the fuck to do.

Let me try to explain.

The girl I met off OKcupid last month. We STILL haven't seen each other again, though she texts me semi-daily with a "Hi" or a "Hey" that I respond to but then get nothing more from her except sometimes another empty greeting. I can't call her because she doesn't want her parents to know about me and they're nosy. The few times she's called me have all been at times where I just happen to be away from my phone and unable to hear it ring, so the only conversations we have are over YIM, which she's almost never on.

That's just the backstory.

The problem is, two weeks ago she invited me to a movie, finally she could see me, but then, I told her I couldn't go because I had a fever, which was a gross exaggeration. I make it a point to never lie to women I'm involved with, and I still have NO FUCKING IDEA why I lied or why I didn't want to see her when I'd been waiting to see her again for weeks. I was going to confess to this the next time we talked, but we haven't talked since then! I don't think I have any real feelings for her, either, because I don't miss her. I was going to tell her that, too, but like I said, its been weeks and we haven't had even one conversation, and this is not shit that should be discussed via Txt-ing.

I want to explain myself to her, but I just haven't had a chance, and the longer this goes on the more I hate myself for possibly stringing her along, but I'd hate myself even more if I (essentially) broke up with her in a text message. And I'm not even sure I want to break up with her, but she's only 17, and I cannot justify being with her if I don't love her, and I don't love her, so I'd hate myself for that too, but then I'd also hate myself for not giving it a real chance, because she seems to really like me and I'm not absolutely certain that I wouldn't ever love her. I want to just tell her everything that's in my head and let her decide, hopefully with the end result that we part amicably and she goes of to find someone better for her... but I don't know how to get there. god how did I get myself into this situation? I don't know what to do and its really eating at me and tearing me up inside. I'll hate myself no matter what I do. I'll hate myself just as much if not more if I do nothing.

[Jace]

Just move on bro. When you have three paragraphs describing issues with it, it's time to move on. That is basically what I did.

I started ignoring two out of the three girls I was talking to and things worked out with the other girl.

[NeverQuiteGoth]

I can't just start ignoring her. I've had that done to me and if I did it to this sweet-natured girl I wouldn't be able to live with myself. How can I "move on" without being a complete jerk?

[allison]

Well, seems that she's not exactly breaking down your door. You aren't (or didn't say you are) in a defined, serious relationship with the girl, so keep your options open and next time she asks you out, let her down easy and tell her it just isn't working out. It's better to tell her that, than string her along.

The worst thing is to keep believing that someone is totally into you and then slowly realize on your own that it's not the case.

[Jace]

I had a "girlfriend" like that once. Our families didn't really like each other, so I couldn't go to her house, and she couldn't come to mine. In like five weeks, we saw each other twice and talked like three times. I just told her that I didn't see her enough to warrant trying. Tell her something along those lines.

Some options:
"We just don't see each other often enough for something to work out between us"
"You know, I don't really get to see you or even talk to you that often... I don't know that this could work out"

[Aimless]

There's billions of people, and any number of them could be a person you could spend the rest of your life with. But when you get that feeling, when you find that relationship, it's the only one.
The only one.
The one.

This was very sweet and well put

And after fifty years, well... it _really_ becomes "the one". I mean who else are you going to be able to spend fifty MORE years with? No-one, you're done for

[IronOxide]

I can't just start ignoring her. I've had that done to me and if I did it to this sweet-natured girl I wouldn't be able to live with myself. How can I "move on" without being a complete jerk?

You don't. If it's time to end it, end it. You're not being the noble by keeping this going, you're being a pussy, and thusly have already become the 'jerk' that you apparently dread becoming. You obviously don't want to be there, she may or may not. It doesn't matter. End it.

[Zingoleb]

I had a "girlfriend" like that once. Our families didn't really like each other, so I couldn't go to her house, and she couldn't come to mine. In like five weeks, we saw each other twice and talked like three times. I just told her that I didn't see her enough to warrant trying. Tell her something along those lines.

Some options:
"We just don't see each other often enough for something to work out between us"
"You know, I don't really get to see you or even talk to you that often... I don't know that this could work out"

If only Romeo and Juliet listened to you.

[NeverQuiteGoth]

Well, seems that she's not exactly breaking down your door. You aren't (or didn't say you are) in a defined, serious relationship with the girl, so keep your options open and next time she asks you out, let her down easy and tell her it just isn't working out. It's better to tell her that, than string her along.

Its not a defined serious relationship, but I don't know just how serious or defined it is in HER mind. And I DON'T want to string her along, and if I just wait for her to ask me out again, that could be weeks, so I WILL be stringing her along if I do that.

If she were "breaking down my door", so to speak, I wouldn't be stopping her, but then I'd wind up hating myself because I would feel like I was using her. But then, if she were "breaking down my door" all this would have been cleared up ages ago. The conversation I NEED to have with her is not one its possible to have via any of the methods of communication currently available to us. I don't even know what I want, let alone her. I'm going crazy with this.

You don't. If it's time to end it, end it. You're not being the noble by keeping this going, you're being a pussy, and thusly have already become the 'jerk' that you apparently dread becoming. You obviously don't want to be there, she may or may not. It doesn't matter. End it.

I don't even know if I want to "be there" or not. But your exactly right about keeping this going, but that's exactly my point: I have to do something NOW, but what can I do NOW when I don't have a way to TALK to her without interruption, technical or otherwise?

[benji]

Okay, wait a minute. You're not sure you can go out with her again because, after one date, you don't love her? Honestly, if you spend your life expecting to fall in love on the first date... well it might happen, but it might well not happen too. If it really doesn't appeal to you to see her again, then by all means break it off. But if you still enjoy spending time with her, you get more then one date before you have to decide if that's love or not.

If you think you might like to see her again, (and honestly this is the only non-asshole thing available to you) you should ask her out. She made a date with you which you had to cancel. Etiquette dictates that it is your turn to ask her on a date to make up for the one you canceled (this is true in life in general kids: if you find it necessary to break an appointment, you should take the initiative at making a new one). Once you're on the date, you can explain yourself if you wish, but I would start by simply apologizing that you broke your last date with her.

If you really aren't interested in her, and you don't want to see her again, the only real options left kind of make you an asshole, which is okay. Sometimes you've got to be direct with people, and that's going to hurt. She'll get over it. Since she asked if she could call you her boyfriend after your last (first) date, I'm guessing she thinks there's some sort of commitment there, though I'm not sure what exactly she thinks that is. You should probably tell her that you don't think you'll go out with her again and if text is really the best option, then go with text. Remember, email is better then text, so you might consider sending her an email. For my money, letters are still better then email for things like this, but you can probably forgo that because nosy parents might open letters, and because letters are usually a tactic for keeping a girl rather then letting one go.

[NeverQuiteGoth]

Okay, wait a minute. You're not sure you can go out with her again because, after one date, you don't love her?

No, its more because when the opportunity for date #2 finally arrived, I didn't want it. I still don't know why, which is why I'm so confused.

If you think you might like to see her again, (and honestly this is the only non-asshole thing available to you) you should ask her out.

But wouldn't that be asshole-ish too? That would be stringing her along, wouldn't it?

Remember, email is better then text, so you might consider sending her an email. For my money, letters are still better then email for things like this, but you can probably forgo that because nosy parents might open letters, and because letters are usually a tactic for keeping a girl rather then letting one go.

Yeah, letters no way, and E-mail would be good except she doesn't have an email that she actually checks.

[benji]

But wouldn't that be asshole-ish too? That would be stringing her along, wouldn't it?

Not if you actually want to see her again. If there's no way this goes anywhere, then just break it off. Yes you'll be an asshole, but there's no way around that some times. But there's nothing wrong with going out with someone more then once to see if something serious might develop.

[NeverQuiteGoth]

I honestly don't know if I want to see her again.

[tania]

if you don't know if you want to see her again, then you don't want to see her again. if you did want to, it wouldn't be something you'd have to keep asking yourself.

[Professor Snuggles]

Man, dude, just like, get off the internet and go talk to girls, bro. You are epicking way too hard on this okcupid bittie after like a week. Get real life.

[ViolentDove]

[ViolentDove]

Oh hey I just realised there's all kinds of sexual tension going on with those ducks. Those boy ducks are all eyein' off the girl duck and she's bein' all coy.

[NeverQuiteGoth]

Man, dude, just like, get off the internet and go talk to girls, bro.

I so don't want to get into that discussion again.

[nobo]

Just put yourself out there and you'll be fine

[Dimmukane]

Just try not to overanalyze everything, stop thinking about it so much.  Not about going out, but just with relationships in general.  You start worrying too much and setting up little traps for yourself and not really giving people a fair chance.  If there's one thing I've learned from all the crap I posted a month ago, it's that reading too much into things will not make things any easier, and will cause you to be way too hard on yourself.

[Barmymoo]

Jens, you are the best thing that ever happened to me in my entire life. Keep being you.

(I love ducks. We have a duck, and she has been patiently sitting on a clutch of eggs for three weeks and will go on doing so indefinitely because dem eggs ain't never gonna hatch...)

[Dazed]

Just put yourself out there and you'll be fine

You are the greatest man.

[Sox]

I so don't want to get into that discussion again.

Last time I said what you wanted to hear, I think, but I think it's gotten to the point where you HAVE to realise that the problem lies with you and that what everybody here is saying is completely true.
You're being the biggest bitch and your situation is absolutely not going to change unless you either sack the hell up or seriously luck out. Whatever happens, you don't really get to complain about a situation you completely bring on yourself anymore.

[ackblom12]

There we go

[wafflecone]

So I try to be a classy lady, but I am in my first years of university and the average boy is not looking for a classy lady, in my experience. So the question is this: Where do I meet classy boys?

[Dazed]

The internet.

Hello.

[Professor Snuggles]

So I try to be a classy lady, but I am in my first years of university and the average boy is not looking for a classy lady, in my experience. So the question is this: Where do I meet classy boys?

Man I just finished my second year of college, and there are still no classy boys or ladies. I have far better luck with girls if I get really drunk and they get really drunk and we make out and then we decide hey maybe we should do this again sometime than I ever do by asking them out on dates.

I guess try to meet boys in the school library? Or like, go to talks and stuff like that instead of just hanging out at parties and shit.

[pwhodges]

Where do I meet classy boys?

It's like buying second-hand clothes. You have to trawl through a pile of junk, and might, just might, find a gem.

Boys you think classy are also likely to share some interests with you - so to improve your chance of meeting them, go do things.

[Masterbainter]

interesting concept of that go do something and possibly meet someone.   

[Sox]

weird, I was always under the impression that I could meet people by avoiding them...

[a pack of wolves]

I guess try to meet boys in the school library? Or like, go to talks and stuff like that instead of just hanging out at parties and shit.

Definitely a bad idea, people that hang around in libraries are not classy. That will lead to meeting terrible individuals whose idea of class is to snort their ketamine from the case of a good CD. They will probably have good book collections though, which is better anyway.

[SonofZ3]

Man, the people in the library I hung out in would snort adderall so they could study for longer periods of time. Ketamine? Not so much. In fact, ketamine was pretty rare where I went to school.
I think the library is a good place to meet people. When I was in school I spent many, many hours at a table between the hardbound compilations of the Journal of Organic Chemistry and Journal of Leisure Research (seriously), drinking tea from a thermos and stipling pen and ink drawings.

[McTaggart]

What are you studying and is there a common room with a bunch of regular folk? Hang out there (if you're worried about walking in to a room full of people who already all know each other turn up really early one day before people get in and sit there studying or something and then people will trickle in on their own and probably talk to you). Even if there are no classy boys (if you're doing, say, computer science or midwifery) they will probably know some!

[Slick]

I want there to be a system where I just go to the library common area and fly a little flag saying "PMATH 330" or "PHYS 275" or something to advertise that I am working on such course and am interested in company.

[allison]

That is the best idea and I for one am going to try it.

[Professor Snuggles]

Hey so thread, I actually want an opinion on something.

I started seeing a girl about two months ago, specifically for the purposes of having a summer fling. We were gonna have a bunch of sex and hang out from time to time, but instead we ended up really liking each other, and going to see rock concerts, and holding hands and watching fireworks together and shit. So basically I am really psyched, except there are these two issues.

First, there's another guy. Before she was seeing me, she dated some dude for almost 8 months, and while he's been gone all summer, he's gonna get back into town sooner or later, and there is definitely still a connection between them. I am a pretty awesome dude, but I don't favor my chances against that sort of history. On the plus side, she regularly tells me I am much better than him in pretty much every way, except I am sad all the time, and also

Second, I'm in rehab. The girl likes to get really drunk, and likes to do a lot of drugs, whereas I can't do those things, and enjoy spending time with people who do do those things less and less. So even if I get past the other boy, once school starts she is back to a lifestyle of parties and drugs and having tons of fun that I both can't and wont participate in.

Logically, this is a terrible situation to be in, and I should get out. But I really like this girl, and don't want to?

So, advice?

[BrittanyMarie]

Does she know you're in rehab and still does those things? Either way I guess I'd be all straight up and tell her you can't and won't partake in her lifestyle once school starts back up. Say it before the boy comes back and you might have made yourself into A Challenge. We girls generally do like A Challenge.

[öde]

Guys I am sitting in my room alone and literally no-one is asking me to have makeouts with them. What is wrong?

Kiff, make an effort to be/seem happier, at least around her. I would say that no decent person would choose being able to do drugs over being with someone, but that's not really true. You should be able to arrage something that works for the both of you if you explain the situation and your feelings properly, right?

[wafflecone]

weird, I was always under the impression that I could meet people by avoiding them...

So THAT'S what I've been doing wrong...
Anyways, I am studying psych which is an insanely popular major and all my classes are around 600 people. So that's not ideal for makin' friends.

Also  Kieffer (can I call you that, we cool? I can't refer to you as Professor Snuggles and then try to give serious advice) I agree that your best bet is to be honest with her and tell her the whole deal and take your chances

[Alex C]

We girls generally do like A Challenge.

I'd say this is the basis for most of my dating successes but "success" seems like way too strong a word.

[nobo]

So I try to be a classy lady, but I am in my first years of university and the average boy is not looking for a classy lady, in my experience. So the question is this: Where do I meet classy boys?

The kind of boys you're looking for are the ones that will be sitting in their dorm rooms hoping that a classy lady will fall into their lap.  you may find them at the library, you definitely won't find them at the gym or the college bars. Most likely it'll be the guy throwing a frisbee around or kicking a soccer ball with a few friends.  Ask if you can join in, and if you don't have to find the boy you're looking for, at least you have made a few friends.

[öde]

Logically, this is a terrible situation to be in, and I should get out. But I really like this girl, and don't want to?

I want you to die alone.

[Professor Snuggles]

Logically, this is a terrible situation to be in, and I should get out. But I really like this girl, and don't want to?

I'm gonna be a massive dick and suggest that maybe you just like being with somebody in general right now. It's nice to have a girl in your life. Right now it's this girl but maybe, just maybe it doesn't need to be this girl.

What I am saying is that this relationship seems to be ultimately doomed and you should look for a new one if being with somebody is preferable to being single.

This is definitely the foundation of our relationship, yes. At this point it is different?

[Professor Snuggles]

Dude I live in colorado springs.

All the non drinking/drugs girls are either in rehab too, or fundamentalist christians.