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[calenlass]

Emaline, this sounds like a direct quote from the lives of my friends Jason and Lara. The thing is, Jason and Lara are not so cleanly separated and are sort of dating again (and again and again: they do break up a lot, but this most recent time was a huge deal and was like a Break Up). But Lara is codependent. Basically this means that she desperately needs people to need her, and if she feels that she is becoming less necessary to the people she wants to need her, she will create problems for them so that they will need fixing by her. A lot of this is unconscious. In fact, until he dragged her to a Codependents Anonymous meeting, she didn't even realise it was unnatural, much less a psychological condition.

Lara does not have a job. In all the years that I have known her, she worked at Kroger as a cashier for like 2 months, when suddenly she somehow managed to pinch a nerve  or slip a disc in her back and could no longer stand upright for that long anymore. I am not sure how she slipped a disc because she doesn't do anything except fuck boys and cheat on her boyfriends, and I am not sure how she could have known that a pinched nerve is what happened because she makes a huge deal about not being able to afford health insurance, but either way, that is the story. Jason is marginally smarter about the money thing, it sounds like, because while he also went into debt buying her stuff, it was only stuff that they would both benefit from (food, rent when they were living together, sex toys, etc). That he and his credit are now suffering is his own fault, but he is well aware of this and considers it worthwhile.

Anyway, Lara is clingy. Lara is passive-aggressive and jealous and entitled. When Jason was out with other girls while they were more definitely broken up, she was constantly interrupting him with phone calls and texts, the same way your boyfriend's friend is. Jason realised later that he should have told her to fuck off, because ultimately it ended up costing him a potential girlfriend(s) (I will save what a tragedy I think this was for another day) who did not want to deal with that.

He has had other options. She is the one who cheated on him for two years and they broke up so she could date that other guy. He knows that she is not good for him, but he thinks she is improving, and while I understand he may not have a great deal of objective perspective on this, there is a certain point where you get sick of being a doormat.

Or not, I guess, if that is his thing.

[Tyler]

Up, down, turn around
Please don't let me hit the ground
Tonight I think I'll walk alone
I'll find my soul as I go home.

[Emaline]

Oh man, Katie, thanks for that story/advice/thoughts on that, btw. It was actually helpful. It got me to see other people's view on things. Thanks to everyone who gave me advice on that problem.


And bbq, it actually sounds like your girlfriend was in my shoes. Yeah, its difficult being with someone when someone who has been in their life longer likes/loves them, too. Especially if they have treated them indecently in the past. It's like on one hand, "you guys are friends and I want you to be happy" but on the other "she cause all this friction between us because she wants you for her own." Its very difficult, and sometimes the easiest thing is to remove yourself from the equation. Your girlfriend felt that her position in your life was threatened. Instead of causing more problems, she chose to changed the one thing she easily could, her being in your life. I'm sure she is upset about it too, but getting over a relationship is easier than staying in a relationship that is filled with drama caused by other people.



Have you tried talking to your friend about it? Have you tried sitting your friend down and letting her know that, while you do still care about her, she is totally fucking things up for you with other girls? I would sit her down and let her know that she is causing a lot of trouble, but let her know that you do still care about you. I mean it is pretty bullshit that she would talk poorly about your girlfriend to you. That sucks. Just let her know that, while she is an important person in your life, your girlfriend is(was) too.


Then if you'd like to be with this girl, talk to her. Maybe you guys can work things out. Let her know that you've talked to the best friend. Tell her the best friend is an important person to you, but that she is too.

[abadname]

So I was looking at computers at best buy the other day and this cute girl who works there came over and helped me and we talked computers for a bit and then just kind of talked about music and stuff until I realized i had no idea what computer i wanted and..not important part...Alright but she gives me the card for the computer i want so i can remember which one i want and then we talk for awhile and I get her number.  We had talked for awhile and both forgot she was working until i noticed i had to go to work.  So I text her later that day to ask if she wants to do something soon and she seems pretty excited for it.  I ask her if she wants to hang out monday and she says "When? I have class" and i tell her i'm done around 7 then a couple minutes later add that i'm free tuesday.  She never responded to that so now it's two days later and I want to ask "hey are we hanging out tomorrow?" but i don't want to come off as desperate or overthinking (which is what i'm doing).  So should i just say "hey, are we hanging out tomorrow?" tonight or just ignore it and ask another time?

[bbq]

And bbq, it actually sounds like your girlfriend was in my shoes. Yeah, its difficult being with someone when someone who has been in their life longer likes/loves them, too. Especially if they have treated them indecently in the past. It's like on one hand, "you guys are friends and I want you to be happy" but on the other "she cause all this friction between us because she wants you for her own." Its very difficult, and sometimes the easiest thing is to remove yourself from the equation. Your girlfriend felt that her position in your life was threatened. Instead of causing more problems, she chose to changed the one thing she easily could, her being in your life. I'm sure she is upset about it too, but getting over a relationship is easier than staying in a relationship that is filled with drama caused by other people. 

Yeah, I get that.

Have you tried talking to your friend about it? Have you tried sitting your friend down and letting her know that, while you do still care about her, she is totally fucking things up for you with other girls? I would sit her down and let her know that she is causing a lot of trouble, but let her know that you do still care about you. I mean it is pretty bullshit that she would talk poorly about your girlfriend to you. That sucks. Just let her know that, while she is an important person in your life, your girlfriend is(was) too.

I've had a little talk with her like that. Not so directly, but I think she gets the point.

Then if you'd like to be with this girl, talk to her. Maybe you guys can work things out. Let her know that you've talked to the best friend. Tell her the best friend is an important person to you, but that she is too.

I've tried that.. She says maybe in the future it could work, but not right now. We're still gonna be friends and hang out and stuff, just not be in a relationship.

Of course, now I feel fine about problems regarding her, I have a vague feeling of foreboding that a different girl is gonna cause me a hell of a lot of problems, quite soon.

[Emaline]

You may have to talk to her more than once. It took several talks between my boyfriend and his best female friend before she even started treating me moderately decent. Many of the talks, he had their other best friend there to back him up because he saw how she treated me too. So I mean really, I'd talk to her until I saw an improvement.

[bbq]

Yeah, I will, but she doesn't really react too well to confrontation IRL, and neither do I.  I will have to have another talk sometime, but a plus at the moment is that she doesn't know aformentioned 'different girl who is gonna cause me a hell of a lot of problems, quite soon.'

[Elizzybeth]

So should i just say "hey, are we hanging out tomorrow?"

Yes.  You're better off pushing just a little bit now, while the memory of your conversation is still pretty fresh in her mind.  The longer you wait, the more likely she is to say, "Eh, we didn't click that much."

[Aimless]

I'd replace "are we hanging out?" with a more concrete suggestion eg. "hey, let's have fika tomorrow " but perhaps I'm just nitpicking

[abadname]

She didn't even respond.  Man Fuck.  I'm kind of not sure how i feel about this, because i mean it's just a girl who i hardly knew, but it sucks that it's so hard to get a girl.

Oh well, before meeting her I wasn't even interested in a relationship anymore.  Back to that.

[Lise]

That does suck for ya, abadname, but that won't be your last opportunity to meet another cool girl, trust me  . I find that the best way to connect with strangers (like people you meet in Best Buy!) is to strive for friendly chats first instead of expecting dates (or even a relationship) to happen right off the bat. She might've thought you were coming on a little strong, or perhaps she genuinely forgot about your planned meeting or is busy. Hell, she might even be having phone problems.

Maybe the next time you go to Best Buy and see her there, casually ask her about the missed hangout! Anywho, sounds like you guys had a connection, so don't give up right away if you're really interested in her.

PS: I happen to be the type of girl who gets skittish if random dudes ask me for my number in public places (i.e. looking at you, creepy guy in the Comics section of a bookstore who tried to hit on me), but that doesn't seem to be the case with the Best Buy chick! If she gave you her number, that's a good sign.

[calenlass]

she doesn't really react too well to confrontation IRL, and neither do I.

You probably should learn how to do this. It is possible to be diplomatic and even nice about stuff, but you have to figure out how to distance yourself from your anger or frustration first.

However, if you don't ever do this, how will you ever address problems in relationships with anyone, even friends?

[tania]

agreed. learning how to not be afraid to discuss anything with your partner coupled with being a good listener is like 98% of whether or not a relationship succeeds or fails, imo.

[bbq]

I didn't mean I can't do confrontations, I just meant it would go down extremely, extremely badly.


Right now, I need to figure out how I am going to pursue a relationship with this other girl.

[Emaline]

Wait. What? Is the a second girl, or are you still talking about the girl who broke things off with you?


Nonetheless, you can calmly and rationally explain how your friend is making your love life difficult and not cause any drama between you two. If the confrontation is ending poorly it is because someone there is choosing to make it. Call your friend a few days ahead of time and say "hey, I need to talk to you about things. Lets hang out."

[Ozymandias]

agreed. learning how to not be afraid to discuss anything with your partner coupled with being a good listener is like 98% of whether or not a relationship succeeds or fails, imo.

No okay listen guys, I'm going to be married within a year so let me explain how to make a relationship last.

1) If your partner wants to do something and you don't, do it anyway but act really put out by it. Let them know how much you're inconvenienced by them, but don't like...actually say it out loud. Just be sort of bitchy and grumpy about it, so you don't have to actually come to any discussion about it because that's awful. This goes double for sex. If you don't want to have sex just do it anyway, but be really pissed off about it and next time you want to have sex remember how pissed off you were and don't have sex. Just angrily masturbate to punish your partner. Remember: angry sex rocks and you want to keep that seething anger up!

2) Speaking of sex, keep a running tally of your orgasms vs. your partner's. Every so often, look at it and compare. If you have more, you're a selfish asshole and should feel really bad about it. Contribute more. If they have more, they're not keeping up their end of the deal and should be made to feel bad. See point 1 about angry sex. If they're equal, you have a perfect relationship and shouldn't do anything. Don't let your partner know you're keeping score. They'll try to mess it up.

3) Compromise your values to make your partner happy often. If they want a threesome, well you damn well better do it even if it hurts because this relationship is about making the other person happy, dammit. Remember point 1, though!

4) Keep conversation light and fluffy. Do not under any circumstances discuss things that may prove relevant to your own relationship. Okay topics include: the weather, reality TV, childrens' movies(steer clear of the topic of children!), Tommydski's cock(it is assumed you are not dating Tommydski).

5) Remember to always feel simultaneously at fault and angry at your partner. You both need to always working a lot harder to make this shit work or it'll just fall apart. If you find yourself relaxed and at peace with your relationship, it's about to go south.

[Bastardous Bassist]

Oh King of Kings, we shall build a monument to your relationship knowledge.  People shall look upon it and despair forever!

[tania]

jordan's fiancee is the luckiest girl in the world

[Lunchbox]

What if we have already discussed Tommydski's cock and are still okay

[Masterbainter]

No okay listen guys, I'm going to be married within a year so let me explain how to make a relationship last.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Finally the dating rules i've been looking for! 

[evilbobthebob]

Yeah, those are awesome guidelines.

OK, so I asked the girl I've liked for the last two years if she wants to meet up for a drink sometime, she tells me she has a better idea and that she'll get back to me. I am really excited. I expected her to tell me she was too busy or something.

Wait, I should be asking for advice or giving advice...hmm...

Advice: Just keep trying 

[bbq]

Wait. What? Is the a second girl, or are you still talking about the girl who broke things off with you?

A second girl.. Well, more like the first girl, because the girl who broke things off with me was really the second girl.

Nonetheless, you can calmly and rationally explain how your friend is making your love life difficult and not cause any drama between you two. If the confrontation is ending poorly it is because someone there is choosing to make it. Call your friend a few days ahead of time and say "hey, I need to talk to you about things. Lets hang out."

Its all cool now, though. She's been out of the country for a week, I think, so she sent me a message over facebook (my friend) saying that she was gonna tell my ex she was gonna stop acting silly and try and be friends with us both, again, but her computer was broken, so she couldn't. And we broke up in that space of broken-computer time


*facepalms*

[Bastardous Bassist]

So, today I flirted with the really attractive hostess at this restaurant that I go to all the time (she's kind of new), and I think that I may like her.  Now, this is something that I'm really terrible at.  I feel that it's extremely awkward to ask someone out at her place of work.  Is it?  How do I do it?  Will I look like a complete fool to everyone who works there (with whom I am reasonably good friends)?

Also, in interesting news, this girl that I had kind of been trying to get with until I thought she was leaving town apparently hasn't.  This is GOOD NEWS, because I think she kind of likes me, too.

Love interests are like buses, for reals.  And the simile works even further because I don't take the bus...

[jhocking]

What if we have already discussed Tommydski's cock and are still okay

That is an okay topic, don't worry.

[20 jazz funk greats]

jordan's fiancee is the luckiest girl in the world

yes, yes i am. 

[NeverQuiteGoth]

I just spent ten minutes stumbling in circles around my house, and I honestly can't tell if I was crying or laughing. Maybe I was doing both at once. That's... not good, is it.

I mean it, I couldn't tell if I was crying or laughing. That alone is strange enough that it distracted me from the downward spiral of dispair that brought it on in the first place. Seriously. WTF?


I should be asleep. I've got art class in 13 hours... Blasted Insomnia!

[Masterbainter]

Don't ever let him stick it there again if it made you feel that way.

[Lines]

Someone I've briefly talked to on OkCupid friended me on Facebook. The only reason he knows my name is because he asked if I had a website, which I completely forgot has my full name on the contact page. I don't know how I feel about this.

People make me paranoid and I haven't the faintest clue why. I am a silly, silly girl.

[maxusy3k]

So, today I flirted with the really attractive hostess at this restaurant that I go to all the time (she's kind of new), and I think that I may like her.  Now, this is something that I'm really terrible at.  I feel that it's extremely awkward to ask someone out at her place of work.  Is it?  How do I do it?  Will I look like a complete fool to everyone who works there (with whom I am reasonably good friends)?

Also, in interesting news, this girl that I had kind of been trying to get with until I thought she was leaving town apparently hasn't.  This is GOOD NEWS, because I think she kind of likes me, too.

Love interests are like buses, for reals.  And the simile works even further because I don't take the bus...

With the hostess girl, the window there I think is the fact you are reasonably good friends with the other people who work there. Throw a party, ensure you task somebody there with inviting her. Or that is what I would do because I am crazy shy, so I mean, you could just invite some of the people from that restaurant and invite her yourself, or maybe even just invite her yourself!

I thought I would add that my earlier dramas have reached a point where it may not be an issue since I went out to my local club for the first time in probably years without the friend who is making me have confused thoughts and had some cute girls hitting on me all night. This is not something that I am used to, but can probably adapt.

[tania]

hey relationship advice thread, what are some subtle ways to find out whether or not someone is single? asking "yo you single?" is pretty much all i got right now and i really don't want to make an ass out of myself in front of someone i then have to keep working with.

[jhocking]

Honestly it depends on him a lot too.  A sensible person would be flattered if you asked them out and they had to turn you down, but unfortunately an idiot could respond to the exact same question with a wave of awkwardness.

Personally I would say either just generally chat him up and be interested in him and he'll spontaneously tell you what you are wondering, or just ask him out and hope he isn't an idiot.  Just, y'know, ask something like "hey you got plans friday night?" and not "I want your sex give it to me now."

[Jace]

hey relationship advice thread, what are some subtle ways to find out whether or not someone is single? asking "yo you single?" is pretty much all i got right now and i really don't want to make an ass out of myself in front of someone i then have to keep working with.

Find something about him that you can talk about like tattoos or piercings or something and say that you like them, depending on his reaction, you can lead into "oh doesn't your girlfriend like your tattoos?" or something similar.

[snalin]

Yes, assume that the guy has a gf, that'll flatter him into the clouds and beyond.

[bbq]

Not really relationship advice but


...How are you supposed to casually find out someone sexual orientation in an assumed majorly heterosexual environment, such as a pub, or a nightclub?

[jhocking]

What is their gender?

For that matter, what is your gender?

[Lines]

Buy them a drink and wink at them and see if flirting happens.

[bbq]

I'm male.

Y'see, I didn't want to buy them a drink and wink at them and see if flirting happens, in case they -are- heterosexual and therefore offended by this.

[Bastardous Bassist]

Buy them a drink and wink at them and see if flirting happens.

That doesn't work for all people.  You see, if I buy someone a drink and wink at them, slapping happens in all cases.  I think my winking technique is poor.

[Lines]

You must be sending some REALLY bad signals dude. Like it would take something super sleazy and/or offensive for me to slap a dude who winked at me. That or you're winking at aliens in lady suits and on their planet winking is the ultimate insult.

[Bastardous Bassist]

Oh shit.  I think it's the second.

[bbq]

I don't think you get my point here.

I wasn't talking about females.

[Bastardous Bassist]

I got your point.  I just didn't have any advice for you, so I decided to make a joke instead.  Sorry.

[Lines]

From my experience, at least in this city (dunno about yours), the GLBT crowd tends to stick to gay bars. Straight people will also go to these bars, but not so much the other way around. Especially if they want to meet people. (Unless it's Guerilla Queer Bar, but that's something else.) I have no idea how to go about casually asking people their sexuality. I always go with my gut feeling or wait for them to say something that proves otherwise. Sorry for not having anything more useful.

[bbq]

Oh, ok. Fair enough. 

[jhocking]

Yeah I have no idea what the best approach would be for you, sorry.  What I told tania, that there's only so much you can control because different people will react very differently to the exact same question, is unfortunately even more dire for you.

[snalin]

There's a lot of gay men out there who tend to go with the stereotype gay look, especially the young ones, so you should at least be able to tell for someone. But gay bars is probably the easiest choice, if there are any.

[Eris]

wait, bbq, aren't you the one who had your girlfriend break up with you recently? How old are you?

[bbq]

Ohh, I wasn't asking for me. Just something me and a ladyfriend were wondering about.

I'm 16.

[vegkitkat]

Hey Relationship Thread,

I'm back in school, which means it's time for poor decisions to be made. I was wondering, how does one go about procurring a one night stand. I've never been inclined to have one until now, and I'm just confused by the whole thing.

[E. Spaceman]

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