I'll one up you, I'm reading Breaking Dawn. I have never read any of the others, I've just seen the movies. I saw it on the ferry and my girlfriend ended up buying it for me, making a big deal about how she wasn't allowing me to put it in her purse for any reason. This is easily the most hilariously horrible book I have ever read, ever. Meyer is possibly the worst writer to have sold so many books. It isn't just that her characters are bad, or that her writing is horrible, or that she's incredibly unimaginative, it's that her books have no redeeming qualities whatsoever. I've heard book critics call the Twilight saga a "masturbatory aid." I have never agreed with a critic more.
But. The book is insanely lulzworthy. Seriously. Borrow Breaking Dawn from someone you know who has it. It's an incredibly easy read, obviously, and it is hilarious. She's had sex twice now and the act was COMPLETELY skipped over. I had to read the three pages preceding the moment I realized they first had sex an incredible amount of sex. There's not even like a "and then he threw me on the bed." Or whatever. It's like, they're talking and then all the sudden she's covered in a billion bruises and he's all like "we're never having sex again....ever....*sulk*" I'm at the part where she's pregnant and it's only been like 16 days and she can feel the baby kicking and stuff.....She is SO ecstatic over it, the girl couldn't be more happy over it.....and, of course, Edward doesn't want to keep it.
He leaned away and looked me in the eye. "We're going to get that thing out before it can hurt any part of you. Don't be scared. I won't let it hurt you
"That thing?" I gasped.
He looked sharply away from me, toward the front door. "Dammit! I forgot Gustavo was due today. I'll get rid of him and be right back." He darted out of the room.
I clutched the counter for support. My knees were wobbly.
Edward had just called my little nudger a thing He said Carlisle would get it out.
"No," I whispered.
I'd gotten it wrong before. He didn't care about the baby at all. He wanted to hurt him. The beautiful picture in my head shifted abruptly, changed into something dark. My pretty baby crying, my weak arms not enough to protect him...
She also has some of the worst metaphors in the world. I'd give an example but I don't really feel up for finding one. I might compile some more while I'm reading and throw them up here.
Meyer also really sucks at showing time passing. To describe how fast (I guess) Edward is, the quote is almost literally "he was back before I could take two hundred breathes." Now, my girlfriend and I figured that if it takes about 2 seconds to breathe in and out that would have taken Edward *sparkle* around 300-400 seconds to do whatever it is he was doing. That's over 5 minutes. That's not that fast. And Edward *sparkle* has been frequently described as super-duper fast.
Oh, and for everyone who's reading the books, Bella is meant to be really, really smart. She was in an advanced program before she moved to Forks. There is no evidence in any of the books to support this so-called intelligence.