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I'm with Martens Mom, its better than Dating !

6 (4.7%)

I am open to it, but I also do relationships.

56 (44.1%)

I tried it, but I didnt liked it.

15 (11.8%)

I'm only into serious relationships.

42 (33.1%)

No sex before marriage.

8 (6.3%)

Total Members Voted: 108

[snubnose]

I'm just curious.

[pwhodges]

No - never was (I was a rather repressed teenager, and times were different then).  I guess I thought about it after my divorce; but I ended up (before getting anywhere) with the view expressed by the author in Scott Pilgrim vol 6:

BUT IT WAS HORRIBLE
FOR EVERYONE
AND THAT INCLUDES YOU.

[Dr. ROFLPWN]

I too thought about it, and attempted it in college, but generally failed at it rather quietly with a minimum of awkwardness, thank goodness.

I'm much more like Marten in outlook: find lady, monogamy ensues.

[Boomslang]

Serial monogamist. Sex is awesome, but it's never been a goal unto itself. It just happens to be a nifty benefit of being with the right person.

[StevenC]

Serial monogamist. Sex is awesome, but it's never been a goal unto itself. It just happens to be a nifty benefit of being with the right person.

The same basically. Now, if I could only find the right girl, that would be great.

[Odin]

Nowhere near completely casual, I'll put a tie on if they must have one.

[Karilyn]

I've always wondered what it is like for all those other people who's friends don't come with benefits.  It's been over 6 years since I've had any friends that didn't also come with benefits.  

I'm Monogamously Polyamorous?  I have one soulmate partner, and all my friends are like "Well, I'm bored, want to have sex?" and it seems to be the default go-to thing to do.

[Odin]

I've always wondered what it is like for all those other people who's friends don't come with benefits.  It's been over 6 years since I've had any friends that didn't also come with benefits.  

I'm Monogamously Polyamorous?  I have one soulmate partner, and all my friends are like "Well, I'm bored, want to have sex?" and it seems to be the default go-to thing to do.

This is making me think of one of my favorite XKCD comics, but I can't find the exact comic for posting here.

[sitnspin]

Historically, yes, I have been into casual. And polyamory. Had one serious long term on-again/off-again relationship for several years, but it remained an open relationship for most of the time we were together. When she died I went back to my "casual" routine. Eventually it got old, but old habits die hard.  Now I am in another semi-serious relationship. This time I am trying to do the whole monogamy thing. I've never had a monogamous relationship before, so we'll see.

[sitnspin]

I'm Monogamously Polyamorous?  I have one soulmate partner, and all my friends are like "Well, I'm bored, want to have sex?" and it seems to be the default go-to thing to do.

That's how I was with the partner who die last year. Emotionally, she was my rock and as close to a "soulmate" as I believe exists. But outside recreation was permitted and did occur.

[Karilyn]

That's how I was with the partner who die last year. Emotionally, she was my rock and as close to a "soulmate" as I believe exists. But outside recreation was permitted and did occur.

Way I figure it is you have two types of friends, or at least, a sliding scale of how close of friends you are.

On one side you have casual acquaintances.  On the other side of the scale you have friends who are close enough are deep enough friends to truly love each other, and not have the friendship harmed at all by having casual sex with each other.

The word "casual sex" makes it sound, at least in my case, less appropriately intimate and trusting than it is.  Makes it sound more random and not giving a shit.  I trust my friends, and we love each other unconditionally.  I would trust them with my life over my own blood family.  That says something I think.

Probably that I'm out of my gourd

[Carl-E]

I plead the 5th ("I refuse to answer on the grounds it may incriminate me")

 

But I did vote. 

I will say this, though;  I've never understood "friends with benefits".  I love my friends, male and female, as friends.  Sex tends to complicate things, though - and moves a friend into the category "lover".  The notion that, after sex, you can casually just go back to being the friends you were is a little weird to me, and I've never found it to be true.  Then again, I'm pretty close to pwhodges' generation, post summer-of-love, smack in the middle of the disco era, pre-AIDS.  Well, post AIDS too, but I was married by then. 

That may have been one of the things that precipitated the change - who can you trust to be "clean"?  You know your friends!  It just wasn't a concern in the age of the "zipless fuck" of the 70's. 

There's probably a thesis in there somewhere for an up-and-coming Kinsey. 

[Is it cold in here?]

This is making me think of one of my favorite XKCD comics, but I can't find the exact comic for posting here.

330

[Carl-E]

This is making me think of one of my favorite XKCD comics, but I can't find the exact comic for posting here.

330

Linked for you.  Then again, for the too-lazy-to-click,



I like that xkcd supports hotlinking. 

Edit:  the mouseover text is  "Hey, I don't make the rules.  It's in the book."

[pwhodges]

But you lose the popup line.

[Skelepunk]

Not really. I've had one friends with benefits relationship, but it turned to dating after 2 months, and it was exclusive. Go figure, it went downhill after that we made it "official". I learned from it though. Ex's should stay as such.

[Carl-E]

But you lose the popup line.

I think I'd been following for a little over a year before I realized that there even were such things.   

[vettechinohio]

I am shocked, and also thrilled, to see that two other people voted for no sex before marriage. I thought I was the last of a severely endangered species. At close to 30 years old and still a virgin (in a serious relationship of over 5 years with a VERY patient boyfriend), I tend to catch a lot of flack from my coworkers, but the vast majority of friends respect and admire my decision.

I also assume that everyone has their own definition of sex, but in my case, pertaining to vaginal intercourse. We also agree with Marten that there will be no poo poo on the pee pee (:

[Carl-E]

So oral/manual/other body parts doesn't count? 

My take's always been, if somebody orgasms, it's sex. 

Of course, it's better if everyone orgasms! 

I've had a few incidents where no one did    but not for lack of trying, so I'd still call it sex.

(Dammit, didn't I plead the 5th?) 

[vettechinohio]

To me, sex = vaginal (or anal, if you're into that ((eww)) ) penetration, with a penis. Oral "sex" is not sex in my book, to my boyfriend's delight, I am sure (: So yes, I routinely give/receive oral sex with him, and am completely comfortable (morally, emotionally, and physically) doing so, and still consider myself a virgin. I know the jury is still indefinitely out on that one, but that's just my personal take on it.

Yes, it is ALWAYS better if everyone orgasms! But if that's the case (that if someone orgasms, it's sex), what do you call masturbation? If you are masturbating by yourself and reach orgasm, did you just have sex with yourself? If that's the case, is any curious teen who masturbates and orgasms no longer a virgin, even if they've only ever been by themselves?      

[Skelepunk]

Question then:If your okay with everything else sexual, then why not sex itself? 

[Carl-E]

Yes, it is ALWAYS better if everyone orgasms! But if that's the case (that if someone orgasms, it's sex), what do you call masturbation? If you are masturbating by yourself and reach orgasm, did you just have sex with yourself? If that's the case, is any curious teen who masturbates and orgasms no longer a virgin, even if they've only ever been by themselves?

Sex takes two (or more) people.  Mutual masturbation would be sex, but masturbation is just... playing with yourself.  Like tickling, it's just not the same without another person! 

But, as for being a virgin, I have heard people get more specific, with terms like "vaginal virgin" (and anal virgin, oral virgin, etc).  If you're going too make those distinctions then fine, but don't pretend you're a "complete" virgin! 

The opinions expressed above are those of the poster.  Any resemblance to fact is purely coincidental.  If you disagree, fine, but that's your problem, not mine!

[vettechinohio]

Question then:If your okay with everything else sexual, then why not sex itself? 

Early childhood trauma. We'll just leave it at that (:

[vettechinohio]

 
But, as for being a virgin, I have heard people get more specific, with terms like "vaginal virgin" (and anal virgin, oral virgin, etc).  If you're going too make those distinctions then fine, but don't pretend you're a "complete" virgin!  

I can agree to that line of reasoning. Practically everyone I know in my age group in my region, and those of mutual friends around the country, do not consider oral as actual sex. Maybe it's a generational thing? Interesting. Ok then, to be specific, I am a 2/3 virgin, but my mouth is a slut puppy  

I hereby change my vote to only while in a serious relationship, as I have only engaged in oral with my ex boyfriend and my current. At least I'm not pulling a "Clerks" with 37 conquests  

[sitnspin]

Sex DOES complicate things. Or, more accurately, Emotional Involvement complicates things. Sex doesn't have to be complicated, but when you combine it with a preexisting emotional connection, it can get messy rather quickly. I have generally made it a point to not have sex with friends. Girlfriend or casual acquaintances only, not friends. My life has enough drama in it without adding more.

[sitnspin]

Ah, the old "does oral = sex" debate.  I think the line has to be defined by each person individually. I am a lesbian, so for me it counts. My general definition of sex is roughly "direct manipulation of the genitals (either with part of the body or a toy) without clothing in the way, regardless of whether or not orgasm is reached."

[Skelepunk]

Question then:If your okay with everything else sexual, then why not sex itself? 

Early childhood trauma. We'll just leave it at that (:

Well, that's a whole different kettle of fish then, and your distinction makes sense.

[tomart]

Practically everyone I know in my age group in my region, and those of mutual friends around the country, do not consider oral as actual sex. Maybe it's a generational thing? Interesting. Ok then, to be specific, I am a 2/3 virgin, but my mouth is a slut puppy  

Yes, as an older forumite, I consider it a generational thing.  My children tell me stories... 

I was lucky enough to be Friends With Benefits with a wonderful woman a few years ago.  We were exclusive for a year or two, with her maintaining, "I am NOT your girlfriend!" which I found amusing, since we were doing all the things GF/BF do together...  But I was more in love, and when she found someone else, it was over. 

[Also:  I love that last sentence quoted above, and am strongly tempted to adopt it as my sig...]   

[SarahBeth]

My view on this issue has gone through several changes throughout my life (as I'm sure everyone's has).

1) I was going to remain a virgin until I got married. Period.
2) I decided to have sex with my (ex)boyfriend, who I had thought was "The One" I do not regret it one single bit.
3) That ex and I are still best friends and take part in "casual relations" from time to time and it is great fun and I don't feel uncomfortable, etc with the situation (as I thought I might).
4) Now that I live away from said friend, I find myself feeling *ahem* quite horny, quite often. I know at this present time I do not want to be in a serious relationship (finishing school, looking for a job anywhere). I do know that I miss the experience of sex and have, on occasion, met up with several people I know specifically for the purpose of "casual sex." And I haven't found myself developing feelings, etc for any of them.

There are my two cents...Basically I'm just horny.... 

[SarahBeth]

THAT BEING SAID!!!!!!!


In this situation (Marten's *mother* suggesting he go out and have casual sex after just having gotten out of a relationship) I do not think casual sex is a good answer. Rebounding can lead to misguided emotions and other...things?

[vettechinohio]

[Also:  I love that last sentence quoted above, and am strongly tempted to adopt it as my sig...]   

Feel free (:

[MillionDollar Belt Sander]

Yes.   Yes I am.

I should say we are. 

Wife-unit and I are bisexual, into the "swinging" scene and group sex.    We both have a couple of partners we hook up with on a regular basis.

The "love/marriage" comes from a meeting of minds and meshing of personalities.   We also realize that posing restrictions on each other (monogamy) would in fact destroy what is an essential part of ourselves. 

It's hard to explain... but it works for us.    And that is all that matters!!

[Near Lurker]

Yes.  I don't think I'm cut out for a real relationship... but most of the time, casual sex isn't worth the hassle or the risk, so I don't do it very often.  What was it Warhol said?  "I prefer a nice cup of tea"?  Basically that.

[tomart]

The "love/marriage" comes from a meeting of minds and meshing of personalities.   We also realize that posing restrictions on each other (monogamy) would in fact destroy what is an essential part of ourselves.  
It's hard to explain... but it works for us.    And that is all that matters!!

There are a surprising number of people who rethink these cultural restrictions and experiment to see what works better.
I've been fascinated by this messy topic for decades, and now anthropologists are finding more evidence (and rethinking things that Darwin and others misinterpreted) showing that the human animal is NOT naturally monogamous.  (That's correct, females too.)  
See the book, "Sex at Dawn" and others.  I've always wondered about that whole "til death do us part" dogma and why it's so difficult and does seem to destroy essential parts of our selves.  

Not to mention another person essentially owning your sexuality: "if you cheat even once, I'll take you for everything you've got, and make you pay for the rest of your life. We may be incompatible, or I may cut you off, but you're stuck, buster."

Only 10,000 years ago, just before agriculture transformed everything, we all lived in small hunter-gatherer groups, and pretty much SHARED EVERYTHING...  Cooperation within the tribe was vital, no one knew or cared whose children were whose (and we were all closely related anyway.)  [Plus, there was no war, famine, poverty, or tyranny, but let's stick to one topic.]

Honestly, I don't think society would collapse if we loosened up this one artificial restriction... It might take some adjustments, but I don't believe it should Destroy Marriages and Lives if someone succumbs to another's charms.

Have you heard that "Culture is your operating system; but it's not your friend." ?

(I hope The Moral Guardians ignore me.)
 

[ysth]

F*ck, no.

[Rot10Kid]

Can't really have an opinion; 19 years old and still a virgin. 

[SarahBeth]

Can't really have an opinion; 19 years old and still a virgin. 

Is this virgin by choice or virgin by circumstance? I think it could have a difference....

What are your feelings on the idea of casual sex then?

[snubnose]

Can't really have an opinion; 19 years old and still a virgin. 

The poll only asks what you want, not what your situation is.

[Rot10Kid]

Can't really have an opinion; 19 years old and still a virgin. 

Is this virgin by choice or virgin by circumstance? I think it could have a difference....

What are your feelings on the idea of casual sex then?

Woah, it ain't by choice, I'm a horny teenage boy. I'd be down for it.

[MillionDollar Belt Sander]

The "love/marriage" comes from a meeting of minds and meshing of personalities.   We also realize that posing restrictions on each other (monogamy) would in fact destroy what is an essential part of ourselves.  
It's hard to explain... but it works for us.    And that is all that matters!!

There are a surprising number of people who rethink these cultural restrictions and experiment to see what works better.

Tradition is code for "we're too damn lazy to come up with a better idea."   See also seniority and union.

[TheEvilDog]

Well, for most of my adult life, I have lived by the old axiom of "if you're not 100% comfortable with an idea, don't do it". Yeah, my first year in college I did try casual sex, and I will honestly say, I lost interest in it very quickly. Then I met this amazing girl, we went out for nearly two years, and it was far more satisfying (for me personally) to have a relationship like that then casual hookups. It was more fun to keep things interesting between us then to wake up and struggle to remember what the girl's name is, especially if you were hungover....

Anyway, different strokes for different folks, whatever floats your boat, puts the wind in your windsock or shivers your timbers, what works well for one person, doesn't necessarily work for others.

[Armadillo]

I have a two-and-a-half year old who wakes her mother and I up at all hours of the night because she peed/pooed/had a bad dream/wants some water/got cheated on her investments, and is a complete bundle of energy/crystal methamphetamine from the time she gets home from daycare at 5 until she goes to bed at 8.  Then we get to deal with the screaming and crying for another twenty minutes.

I'd take any sex I could get right about now.   It's been a while. 

[Carl-E]

Thank god my kids are nearly grown.   Instead of waking us in the middle of the night, we spend half the night waiting up for them...

 

[leahneedsanap]

For me it has been totally dependent on where my head is at.  I have been through phases where I definitely was not in a headspace for a relationship, and when I was trying to be "normal" and date people, I would run out after about three dates, usually without sleeping with them because it was seen as some sort of "seal the deal" thing.  So I went through what I jokingly refer to as various "arbitrarily slutty" phases--which I should really rename because I think words like "whore" and "slut" are just generally harmful loaded things to perpetuate. I think they were incredibly helpful to my development as a person, because they put me in situations where I had to learn to communicate my needs and boundaries very clearly.  Generally I tend to vascillate between two ends though--either I'm uncommitted and having a fair amount of casual sex, or I'm with a long-term partner or dating several people with the intent to find a long-term partner.  But I don't use casual sex as a "rebound" as Ms. Reed is suggesting, or as "prep work" for a monogamous relationship.  After a bad breakup, I generally have to take an extended break just for myself.

I think I'm just not in a place to want or deal with polyamory.  When I am in the head space for monogamy, I don't really crave anything (or anyone) outside that--and I'm bisexual, so I guess that's a little unusual.  When I am not, I also tend to not be in a head space for any kind of commitment either, but then I have struggled with commitment in the past.

Also, re the virginity/what-is-sex debate, since the primary significance of these acts is experiential and personal, these are totally subjective definitions that should be seen as a personal mechanism for organizing and relating to experiences, not a social metric for judgment.  If we let go of our assumptions about what "normal" sex is, we find we all have boundaries of things we are uncomfortable with, things we are only willing to do or attempt with certain people (real or potential), things that are totally within our comfort zone, and acts and situations that hold particular meaning for us (good or bad).  For example, many people with open relationships agree to reserve certain activities, often as simple as holding hands or kissing, for their primary relationship, even though when using a traditional progression model of sex that puts vaginal penetration as the final and ultimate objective of sex, it would seem illogical to attach more meaning to "lower" activities than "higher" ones.  Intimacy comes in all kinds of flavors and is fundamentally shaped by the experiences and identities of the intimate partners.  Attaching tons of social importance to ideas like virginity, especially using a rigid heteronormative reproduction-centric definition as is commonly applied, doesn't do a whole lot but harm people through arbitrary social shaming.  If individuals choose to attribute special importance and status to vaginal penetrative sex in their own lives, that is totally fine--but that is THEIR decision, and not anyone else's to enforce upon them or shame them for their adherence to or deviation from that standard.

TL;DR slut-shaming is Rude and the meaning of sexual acts is individually determined so don't worry about it too much

[Is it cold in here?]

[Carl-E]

Phineas' Corollary;

For every change in the rules, there is an exponential increase in the number of rules needed to deal with the change. 

[Antario]

I am shocked, and also thrilled, to see that two other people voted for no sex before marriage. I thought I was the last of a severely endangered species. At close to 30 years old and still a virgin (in a serious relationship of over 5 years with a VERY patient boyfriend), I tend to catch a lot of flack from my coworkers, but the vast majority of friends respect and admire my decision.

I also assume that everyone has their own definition of sex, but in my case, pertaining to vaginal intercourse. We also agree with Marten that there will be no poo poo on the pee pee (:

i've always thought this to be a relic of past times, when birth control didnt exist yet and women had to have the (sortof) financial and social security of having a husband (in those times divorce was unheard of as well) before they could risk getting pregnant

not liking casual sex is one thing, but imo thats taking it a bit to far in todays society



myself...meh a bit in between i guess, not randomly or super exclusive
i basicly have to care about a person

[Loki]

I am 20 and have been in my first relationship (which also happens to be a committed one) for almost exactly two years now, being a virgin until that. So I cannot really tell. Back when I was single, I was "not that type of guy", though.

[DJRubberducky]

I've done casual before.  Twice that I can think of.  Once was the best bad sex I'd ever had; the other time got ugly because I made the mistake of going with the stereotype and assuming that he was only up for something casual.  Though we did at least keep talking long enough that at least I don't feel we parted on bad terms.

I've had a couple of experiences with poly.  I really can't tell if I would *never* be okay with it, or if I just had a bad experience because I had a really mistaken idea of what to expect, and by the time I had my head sufficiently wrapped around everything the connections were totally poisoned between me and others.  It really doesn't interest me right now, though.

[Doctor Online]

Thank god my kids are nearly grown.   Instead of waking us in the middle of the night, we spend half the night waiting up for them...

  

You know, I try to remind myself not all men are that way. o.0

I just hope the one I chose will not be that way when we start our family. (Edit: I'm responding to you, about the post above yours, not directed towards you at all.)


I am a one person only kind of girl. I have tried casual sex, I did not enjoy it what-so-ever. It was very awkward, that was when I realized I only enjoy it with someone I love and care about. Everyone marches to a different beat.