I got to thinking about all the things that happened to me this year, this being the end of it and all. This year I had my first real friend, I think, the first person that for the longest time I felt I really had some sort of... affinity for, a connection to. I'd been lonely my entire life until I met her, I'd been convinced that I was going to stay that way, and it was exhilerating and frightening all at once to be in her orbit, and be around someone who was unabashed in her approval of me, warts and all (and lord knows I've given her reason to be frustrated over our time together) when I've never really approved of myself. But it sort of dawned on me tonight that for as much as I adore her, she never really asked to be the most important person in my life, and that I am being unfair to her by looking up to her so much.
It frustrates me, it infuriates me, really, because I'm trying my best with the faculties that I have but I can't seem to make good sense of anything. It's a terrible feeling, being assured that you're acting in a correct manner only for it to occur to you that you're doing it all wrong. It's a feeling I'm very familiar with. But it felt so right this time, you know? I have this fixation on "getting better", like 10 years down the road I'll be able to function as well as anyone else. But it's not going to happen like that. I feel like I'm changing but I'm staying the same. And Rae, bless her heart, has accepted the mentor role I've thrust upon her, and she even believes that she can help me become less of a mess in the years to come, but... I don't know. It's complicated. I haven't seen her in a month and I had all this pressure on my heart from missing her so much and now that my perspective has shifted that weight's been alleviated to a degree, so it's liberating in a way, but I also feel a lot of loss, because I was so convinced before that what I had was so special and brilliant and that I had reached this incredible turning point in my life. I love my friends a lot, probably more than I have any right to, but eventually we will drift from one another, and we'll forget, and it fucking kills me.
Then again, I can't trust my own faculties or my own judgment when it comes to these things. I could wake up tomorrow with the mind that I am indeed on the path to being a new man. Thing is, I don't really feel that ache in my chest that usually comes along with my irrational, pessimistic thinking.
Bah, things are messed up in me. Always have been. But I can't deny that I am in a different place, objectively, than I was a year ago. I just wish my grasp matched my reach. I do my friends a great disservice by being so disordered.
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Topic: Re: Whatever, Let's Have A Goddamn Blog Thread, But Try And Keep It Reasonable, pt B (Read 74711 times)