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[GarandMarine]

That's the second oldest nautical joke in the history of humankind, the earliest recorded version is a two line variant in the 1930s (thanks Snopes!) and it gets passed around and the origin speculated on in Proceedings, the magazine of the U.S. Naval Institute every now and then. There's of course variants for various powers (my favorite variant is an Irish lighthouse vs. the HMS Britannia and her escorts) but I'd wager it's so old that it predates radio, and quite possibly the age of sail entirely. 

The oldest nautical joke in the history of humankind is of course completely untranslatable to you land dwelling types, but rest assured it is absolutely hilarious.


And now my favorite Aviation joke: Mankind has a perfect record in Aviation. We've never left one up there.

Second favorite: There's a lot in common between ATC (Air Traffic Control and Pilots), if the pilot messes up, the pilot dies. If ATC messes up, the pilot dies.

However, there is the best radio transcript story ever, and it is 100% true courtesy of the SR-71 Blackbird program: http://oppositelock.jalopnik.com/favorite-sr-71-story-1079127041

[GarandMarine]

My favorite aviation gag is flying with a new pilot we just had transfer in from a fighter squadron, in some of the busiest airspace on earth (SoCal), one of my jobs was basically looking out both windows in case Central "forgot" where it had a bird or two, or the bug smashers who didn't really get plotted surprised us. We very nearly got ran over a few times by various aircraft so it was serious duty.
Me: "Twin engine prop plane, 9 o'clock high!"
New Pilot: "I have him, tally ho!" *banks our aircraft like he's moving to engage*
Me: "Sir, we're unarmed remember?"
Aircraft Commander's laughing his ass off as the Major puts us back on course.

Another good one, I was flying with my base Commanding Officer, a former test pilot and hell of an aviator. Completely out of his mind, but in a fun way.
CO: Yuma Tower, this is Yuma 300, requesting clearance to land on runway 35 from the right break."
Now that particular request implies a VERY tight, like up on the wing tip right turn then snapping to level to land, it's close to exceeding our roll tolerances in our platform, and is more common in things like fighter jets. I know this. Tower knows this. The Colonel knows this. So in the back we're scrambling to secure our gear and strap in extra tight.
Tower: "Ah... Yuma 300, aren't you a C12?"
CO: "Correct tower."
Tower: "...is this Col <name>?"
CO: "Correct tower."
Tower: "Ahhh... copy that sir, cleared to 35 from the right break"
CO: "Thank you tower."

Some more legendary ATC quotes:

During taxi at Heathrow Airport, one of the busiest in the world, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
The irate ground controller (a female) lashed out at the US Air crew screaming "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on Charlie taxiway; you turned right on Delta. Stop right there. I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's and D's but get it right".
Continuing her tongue lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771??"
The humbled crew responded: "Yes Ma'am".
Naturally, the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air Flight 2771. No one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit on the ground was running high. Shortly after the controller finished her admonishment of the U.S. Air crew, an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his
approach speed just a little too high.
San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu
was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas
City.
KC Approach: "Malibu three two-Charlie, you're following a 727,
one o'clock and three miles."
Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."
KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"
Delta 105 (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl): "Well...I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Unknown Aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!!"
Unknown Aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the way,
after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and yes,
we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got that Fokker in sight."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:
Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."
Ground: "Guten morgen! You vill taxi to your gate!"
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxi way and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know vare you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flow to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, I have, in 1944. In another type of Boeing, but just to drop something off, I didn't stop."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was a Pan Am 727 Flight Engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich, Germany. I was listening to the radio since I was the junior crew member. This was the conversation I overheard:
Lufthansa: (In German) "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground: (In English) "If you want an answer you must speak English."
Luft: (In English) "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Before ground could answer someone replied in a beautiful British accent: "Because you lost the bloody war!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lufthansa 34 over Cleveland Center at 3:00 in the morning.
"Cleveland Center, Lufthansa 34 over Cleveland at flight level 39ner zero"..........no answer. The controller may have been getting a fresh cup.
"Cleveland Center, Lufthansa 34 over Cleveland at flight level 39ner zero".......no answer.
"Cleveland Center, Lufthansa 34 over Cleveland at flight level 39ner zero....you know, ve have vays to make you talk".

--------------------------------
"[station] this is Delta Zulu transmitting blind request immediate landing on runway 270."

"Delta Zulu Clearance to land granted"

"[Station], Delta Zulu Final approach 200knots bearing 270"

"Delta Zulu Landing lights please"

"Station Delta Zulu My lights are on"

"Delta Zulu we can't see you"

"Station Delta Zulu well I can see you, I've just landed"

"Delta Zulu you are not on the apron, what is your position"

"Station Delta Zulu 150m Bearing 050 from your tower over"

"Delta Zulu check your maps, you haven't landed here you have landed at a different airfield"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
a Qantas 747 is sitting at the holding point short of the runway.

Tower: " QF-71 hold position, we have an a340 with difficulties on finals."

QF-71:" Well tell him we all have difficulties but we all carry on with life!"

Tower:"He's French what do you expect!"

[J]

Sarychev Volcano Eruption from the International Space Station

[GarandMarine]

(click to show/hide)

Eat it Kim



Medal of Honor Winner, Sergeant Dakota Meyer ladies and gentlemen. I concur with his statement regarding the threats ISIS has made against American veterans. Come get some.



My beloved home state. It's all true.

In other news from the U.K.
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/a-long-list-of-sex-acts-just-got-banned-in-uk-porn-9897174.html




Finally, there's a new Legend of Zelda symphony tour. The tour location's are pretty limited (annoyingly so in the U.S. in particular) but for those of you who could potentially make it... http://zelda-symphony.com/schedule

[GarandMarine]

Getting my war on Christmas licks in early

http://infolocata.com/mirovia/irrefutable-proof-that-santa-is-odin/

[Blue Kitty]

[ev4n]

However, there is the best radio transcript story ever, and it is 100% true courtesy of the SR-71 Blackbird program: http://oppositelock.jalopnik.com/favorite-sr-71-story-1079127041

I love this story.  Who wasn't in love with the SR71?

[Zebediah]

Coincidentally, this showed up in my Facebook feed a few minutes ago: What a Blackbird Drinks

[The Seldom Killer]

Aviation jokes

Do you know the one about the Aeroflot craft approaching an Italian airport? They requested an emergency landing due to equipment failure and a small cockpit fire. As the control tower started to panic and scramble emergency services and fire trucks the pilot calmly told them not to bother, the last four emergency landings had been the same and they didn't want the fire trucks to mess up the remaining equipment that was working.

[LeeC]

[Blue Kitty]

[LeeC]

[Kugai]

Then there's the story of two Traffic Cops on the Yorkshire coast.


They were running the usual Speedtrap with the then standard Speed Gun when suddenly it made this weird noise, registered '555' then went dead.  No matter what they did, they couldn't get it going again.

Two days later, after an investigation, they learned what had happened

Two Tornado Fighter Bombers were running an exercise off the Coast about 50-100 Kilometers from where the two Cops were running their Speedtrap.  One Tornados Radar Warning System detected the Cops Radar, jammed it, and since they were on a Live exercise, targeted it and automatically locked it up with a HARM Missile.  Fortunately, the Pilot, realising that the system had locked up a target INLAND from their Exercise Area, flipped his system to 'Safe', thus preventing a missile launch.

[Akima]

Tower: "Ah... Yuma 300, aren't you a C12?"

One of these?


When I worked for the Australian tentacle of a vast multinational kraken, I used to travel for work regularly. Mostly this was on large airliners into big airports, but that C12 reminds me of the sort of planes on which I travelled to a small airfield (I won't dignify it with "airport", since of its two runways, one was a grass strip) in New Zealand. When the pilots turned onto final, it always seemed as if the plane was standing on a wingtip. I'm sure it wasn't really, but compared to the gentle turns made by the "heavies", the bank certainly felt very steep.

[LeeC]

[GarandMarine]

Then there's the story of two Traffic Cops on the Yorkshire coast.


They were running the usual Speedtrap with the then standard Speed Gun when suddenly it made this weird noise, registered '555' then went dead.  No matter what they did, they couldn't get it going again.

Two days later, after an investigation, they learned what had happened

Two Tornado Fighter Bombers were running an exercise off the Coast about 50-100 Kilometers from where the two Cops were running their Speedtrap.  One Tornados Radar Warning System detected the Cops Radar, jammed it, and since they were on a Live exercise, targeted it and automatically locked it up with a HARM Missile.  Fortunately, the Pilot, realising that the system had locked up a target INLAND from their Exercise Area, flipped his system to 'Safe', thus preventing a missile launch.

There's a legendary variant of that involving a Marine F-18D and the California Highway Patrol

Top this for a speeding ticket:

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, North of MCAS Miramar. One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching near the crest of a hill.

The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300+ miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked onto a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander.

Back came a reply in true USMC style:

Thank you for the message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, an air to ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment. Fortunately the Highly Trained Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched and your hostile radar was destroyed. We'd also like to include a comment from the pilot, who's high powered imaging system got a couple images of the officers in question as he passed over, and he'd like to inform the officer on the right that his holster was undone.

Thank you for your concerns.

Yours most sincerely.
Col James Arden, USMC, Commanding

Sadly both are almost certainly untrue giving the difference in how a police issue radar gun and an AA radar work.

Tower: "Ah... Yuma 300, aren't you a C12?"

One of these?


When I worked for the Australian tentacle of a vast multinational kraken, I used to travel for work regularly. Mostly this was on large airliners into big airports, but that C12 reminds me of the sort of planes on which I travelled to a small airfield (I won't dignify it with "airport", since of its two runways, one was a grass strip) in New Zealand. When the pilots turned onto final, it always seemed as if the plane was standing on a wingtip. I'm sure it wasn't really, but compared to the gentle turns made by the "heavies", the bank certainly felt very steep.

When I say the plane was up on a wing tip I mean I was literally only held into my seat by my harness. The C12 can't exceed a certain amount of roll per it's tolerances, that T tail in the back for example would stop us doing a complete 360. Remember that is of course platform specific tolerances, so depending on the bird you were riding in question, tolerance might have been a bit higher, however the bank itself probably just looked and felt extreme compared to normal, commercial pilots don't even begin to flirt with tolerances most of the time, that's a good way to get written up.

[GarandMarine]

And you think parallel parking is hard.

The USS Abraham Lincoln moving to a new dry dock while under complex overhaul and regular maintenance at Newport News.

[SubaruStephen]

Getting my war on Christmas licks in early
http://infolocata.com/mirovia/irrefutable-proof-that-santa-is-odin/

Nit-pick time:
Rudolph the red nose reindeer was entirely fabricated by Macy's advertising department. Otherwise, it's a great article and would throughly piss off Fox "News"'s Megan Kelly.


Although I'm more of a Joulupukki kinda fellow: http://www.dirtycarsmillioncows.com/blog/joulupukki/

[GarandMarine]

So... you nit picked an obvious joke?

[The Seldom Killer]

Tower: "Ah... Yuma 300, aren't you a C12?"

One of these?


When I worked for the Australian tentacle of a vast multinational kraken, I used to travel for work regularly. Mostly this was on large airliners into big airports, but that C12 reminds me of the sort of planes on which I travelled to a small airfield (I won't dignify it with "airport", since of its two runways, one was a grass strip) in New Zealand. When the pilots turned onto final, it always seemed as if the plane was standing on a wingtip. I'm sure it wasn't really, but compared to the gentle turns made by the "heavies", the bank certainly felt very steep.

When I say the plane was up on a wing tip I mean I was literally only held into my seat by my harness. The C12 can't exceed a certain amount of roll per it's tolerances, that T tail in the back for example would stop us doing a complete 360. Remember that is of course platform specific tolerances, so depending on the bird you were riding in question, tolerance might have been a bit higher, however the bank itself probably just looked and felt extreme compared to normal, commercial pilots don't even begin to flirt with tolerances most of the time, that's a good way to get written up.

My favourite aerial manouver that I ever saw was when I was cycling past Hullavington Airfield in Wiltshire. I say cycling, I had such a tailwind I was barely touching the pedals. I'd seen this glider circling earlier and had a look over my shoulder to see what they were up to. At this point he was pushing a pretty steep descent pretty much right behind me. As he came past he was banking pretty much wings vertical. From my perspective he spun 180 on the wing tip and came to a flat stall right over the A429, a fairly busy road. He then seemed to wait for the wind to lift his nose up a couple of feet before making a fairly cheeky dive into a field and coming to a dead stop in probably no more than 20 metres.

I can only imagine that he then scheduled an immediate orchidectomy as bells that big have got to be unnecessary dead weight in a glider.

[Akima]

Sadly both are almost certainly untrue giving the difference in how a police issue radar gun and an AA radar work.

Like all those fairy-stories about decoying anti-radar missiles with domestic microwave ovens, I suspect.

[GarandMarine]

....those exist? Oh I have to hear this.

[The Seldom Killer]

Fairly standard fare about a Three Star General who yet again finds that the microwave near his office has been half-inched. Keen to reheat Mrs General's lovely hotpot as he faces a long tactical nightshift planning countermeasures against a tricky enemy he stomps all over the base getting angrier as each kitchen has a microwave shaped hole in it. When not one is to be found and confounded by why someone would want to steal multiple appliances he rounds up the whole base and goes Seargent Hartman on them.

One of the lab coats from WeapDev pops a skinny hand in the air and does the big reveal. He's been rigging microwaves to power packs, breaking the door off and jemming the safety latch. He plonks them down about 3 miles towards the enemy and flicks the switch. The enemy's nightly raid targets the decoy allowing time for the local flyboys to go dogfighting fully supported by a still functioning radar system. Looks like he's been solely responsible for the recent turning tide in tactical fortunes. Even better than that, he invites Three Star to use the lab coats secret microwave. Medals and all round and the General gets a nosh IYSWIM.

[LeeC]

also Classic Star Wars if animated like B:TAS (Bruce Timm)

[Akima]

....those exist? Oh I have to hear this.

Oh yes, especially in connection with the NATO bombing campaign over Yugoslavia in 1999. Apparently you just jemmy off the door, wedge the switch that normally prevents the oven working with the door open, point it at the sky and anti-radar missiles will home on its birthday-candle flame (probably at the wrong frequency, pulse rate etc. etc. but I am not a radar technician) rather than the blast-furnace of an air-defence radar. The stupidity is strong in urban tech legends.

In the interest of pointlessness; best selfies ever:

[J]

yeah, we won't likely be seeing anything more epic until ~2030

[Dalillama]

Is it just me, or is The Dump Truck a really, really inauspicious name for a food stand?

[GarandMarine]

[SubaruStephen]

Time to go clothes shopping, everybody, less than one month to go till we stylin'!

[cesium133]

I'm still waiting for the release of Jaws 19, and for Princess Diana to come back from the dead and be coronated as Queen.

[explicit]

The Cubs are supposed to win the World Series... haaaaaa

[cesium133]

Against Miami, nonetheless.

[explicit]

Which is already impossible for more reasons then just they both suck donkey balls. (they're both in the National League)

[GarandMarine]

I'm down for face tattoos being acceptable though

[explicit]

I'm down for face tattoos being acceptable though

The Game approves. I believe he's the rapper with that face tattoo of an ice cream cone? Or am I thinking of Gucci Mane? I dunno, they're both not the greatest rappers so they have that in common...

[Kugai]

I'm down for face tattoos being acceptable though

Down here the local Maori call that Moko.

[GarandMarine]

I love the Maori warrior culture. So freaking hard core.

"That is the greatest thing I have ever seen the president's press secretary do. His entire job, his only job, is built around trying not to go, 'Hey look, I just f**king work here.' But that's what he did." -- Jon Stewart http://on.cc.com/1rV3zc2

[LTK]

Owls aren't supposed to swim, are they? A year ago I fished a juvenile pigeon out of the canal that was doing the same thing as that owl, only more panicked. Getting your feathers wet is a Bad Thing.

[The Seldom Killer]

Unless they need to talk to their friends the seahorses.



TBF, getting your feather's wet isn't specifically a bad thing. Birds fly in rain and then there's ducks, seagulls, albatri, loons, herons, kingfishers, penguins and all manner of other birds who's habitation and ecology involves water. Also there are several birds of prey noted for their diving ability including kites, merlin and falcons.

[K1dmor]

-- Jon Stewart http://on.cc.com/1rV3zc2

"...he doesn't speak spanish."

 

[LeeC]

[bainidhe_dub]

How did I miss that the new press secretary's name is Earnest?? 

[GarandMarine]

-- Jon Stewart http://on.cc.com/1rV3zc2

"...he doesn't speak spanish."

 

Based on the White House's rigorous criteria, I would like you all to write the President and congress (all of them) recommending me to be named the new U.S. Ambassador to Japan. Unlike the new Ambassadors to Hungary and Argentina I can speak some of the local language, I understand some of the local culture, and I have in fact been to the country I would be Ambassador to, and have a solid understanding of some of the vital U.S. interests in the area, including U.S. military activities on Japanese soil and in Japanese waters. As such I am clearly over qualified for such an important post. I can also write at the level required for day time television if that would help.

[cesium133]

Yeah, but how much money have you given to the president's campaign fund?

[GarandMarine]

Probably -100,000+ I spent all of the 2012 election cycle explaining to Democrats that Obama is literally George H.W. Bush 2: Electric Boogaloo.

[Welu]

Is it just me, or is The Dump Truck a really, really inauspicious name for a food stand?

There's a food truck in my town that sets in the centre at pub closing time to get all the drunks. For years, people affectionately, but not totally jokingly, called it "The Muck Truck" and I think it was last year, they actually got "THE MUCK TRUCK" written on the side of the truck. 

[LeeC]

How did I miss that the new press secretary's name is Earnest?? 

[Akima]

"...he doesn't speak spanish."

Before he entered politics, our ex-PM Kevin Rudd was an Australian diplomat. He was a specialist in Chinese language and culture, fluent in Mandarin, having studied at Australian National University and in Taiwan. Our diplomatic service posted him to Stockholm. And no, he didn't speak Swedish.

How did I miss that the new press secretary's name is Earnest?? 

What is the importance of being Earnest?

[GarandMarine]

[Akima]

TBF, getting your feather's wet isn't specifically a bad thing.

Feathers are generally very good at keeping water out, but the feathers of cormorants are specially adapted to be not waterproof to facilitate their underwater hunting. Here's a clip of a cormorant diving 45m (150ft) in search of lunch:

Cormorants are awesome! Their hunting behaviour can be useful to people:

Incidentally, are the cormorants any more "slaves" than hunting-dogs, sheep-dogs or indeed any other domesticated animals? Does the BBC use the same vocabulary to describe all human exploitation of all animals? Not in my observation; there's no mention of slavery here, for example:

So it seems that xenophobic double-standards are still the thing at Broadcasting House...
Do they issue new hires with a pith helmet and khaki shorts?