Topic: Most Hurtful Record Review Ever (Read 23619 times)

Johnny C · « **on:** 31 Mar 2005, 15:20 »

I submit, for your amusement, a game to find the most hurtful record review ever. My personal winner is the recent Stylus review for the Bravery's album, which seems like it's going to be a really good review up until the last line stabs you in the sternum.

Inlander · « **Reply #1 on:** 31 Mar 2005, 15:29 »

My favourite is from the Drum Media - a free street magazine - years ago. Writing about Rage Against the Machine's then-current single "Bulls on Parade", the reviewer concluded by writing:

"It will probably be a hit of some kind, but the word 'hit' should be placed after the first word of the song's title."

Kai · « **Reply #2 on:** 31 Mar 2005, 15:48 »

My personal favorite record reviews have all come from the late Lester Bangs. To pick out one, however, would be impossible.

tomgadd · « **Reply #3 on:** 31 Mar 2005, 15:49 »

http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/record-reviews/l/louis-xiv/best-little-secrets-are-kept.shtml

I loved this review. First off... theme reviews rock. Secondly, you hate the band BEFORE the kick in the teeth line. Thirdly, it is one BIG fucking kick in the teeth to this band.

Johnny C · « **Reply #4 on:** 31 Mar 2005, 18:28 »

No, normally theme reviews are pretentious, overwrought tripe that doesn't tell you why an album is bad. Yours, however, was so funny that I'm willing to overlook those points.

whitehatblackshoes · « **Reply #5 on:** 01 Apr 2005, 00:07 »

Quote

I submit, for your amusement, a game to find the most hurtful record review ever. My personal winner is the recent Stylus review for the Bravery's album, which seems like it's going to be a really good review up until the last line stabs you in the sternum.

I bet when Sam Endicott read this he was thinking "Alright! A good review!" then he read the last line and went to his room and cried.

But hey, I like the Bravery, their single is very addicting. "Honest Mistake"

synecdoche · « **Reply #6 on:** 01 Apr 2005, 00:10 »

Quote from: tomgadd

http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/record-reviews/l/louis-xiv/best-little-secrets-are-kept.shtml

I loved this review. First off... theme reviews rock. Secondly, you hate the band BEFORE the kick in the teeth line. Thirdly, it is one BIG fucking kick in the teeth to this band.

I HATE Pitchfork's theme reviews. So much. I generally do not have the negative reaction to Pitchfork that many have, but the theme reviews are beyond the limit for me.

Psiogen · « **Reply #7 on:** 01 Apr 2005, 05:37 »

I don't mind theme reviews. It's when you do them constantly, whether you have a good reason to or not, that it starts to wear thin. (*cough*BrentDiCrescenzo*cough*)

rynne · « **Reply #8 on:** 01 Apr 2005, 06:05 »

Quote from: tomgadd

http://www.pitchforkmedia.com/record-reviews/l/louis-xiv/best-little-secrets-are-kept.shtml

I loved this review. First off... theme reviews rock. Secondly, you hate the band BEFORE the kick in the teeth line. Thirdly, it is one BIG fucking kick in the teeth to this band.

I freely admit that review elicited laughs from me.

Favorite line: "I'm a fuck machine with only one speed: fuck."

KharBevNor · « **Reply #9 on:** 01 Apr 2005, 06:23 »

http://www.metal-archives.com/review.php?id=188

Scroll down to the fourth one down (In Flames vs Tiffany)

Insanely brilliant.

jal-vani · « **Reply #10 on:** 01 Apr 2005, 06:25 »

jesus. that bravery review was ridiculous. i think the author must be PMSing or something, because that was nothing more than bitchy.
*in a coddling voice* Does Sarah Kahrl need some chocolate?

Johnny C · « **Reply #11 on:** 01 Apr 2005, 13:11 »

Quote from: rynne

Favorite line: "I'm a fuck machine with only one speed: fuck."

-Yeah man, it's awesome! It's like I'm fucking British, right?

-You definitely sound British, yes.

-Ha ha totally! I didn't drink all that heroin for nothing.

tomgadd · « **Reply #12 on:** 01 Apr 2005, 13:51 »

I like theme reviews! I havn't been reading Pitchfork forever, but in about the year I've been frequenting the site, I've found the theme reviews a breath of fresh air. I don't want to hear why a band is mediocre in droll, serious prose over and over with no respite. I also don't have a negative reaction to Pitchfork. I mean, its a review site. I don't agree with all their reviews, and wish they did more reviews on the hardcore/thrash-punk/grind end of things (Cephalic Carnage get a review, but neither Axegrinder nor Phobia?), but on the whole they do good reviews of a lot of the music I like, and bad reviews of a lot of the music I don't.

But yeah, back to theme reviews... I find they usually do tell me what is wrong with a band, just often in a roundabout way, which I'm fine with.

I was looking for a really offensive review so that this post did more than argue, but I failed.

Hector Gilbert · « **Reply #13 on:** 05 Apr 2005, 14:16 »

When a professional review does not give a recommendation to the reader (for that album if they liked it, for another album or band/artist exploring a similar field if they didn't), the writer is at fault. Reviews are supposed to be helpful, and when people who are paid to write them come up with either intentionally comic self-indulgence, pure negativity or both it is to me at least infuriating. Some of the negative reviews from NME in particular come across to me as just someone giving a "nobody should like this band anyway" kind of gesture - has anyone ever seen the quick and snappy 4/10 for Einstürzende Neubauten's Silence Is Sexy?

That said, the Pitchfork review of St. Anger was quite funny.

exliontamer · « **Reply #14 on:** 05 Apr 2005, 20:46 »

http://www.aversionline.com/reviews/2240/

This one is priceless. Again, the last line is absolutely killer.

(Edit) Oh lord, and here we have the band's rebuttal: http://www.butcheredmillenium.com/id8.html

Inlander · « **Reply #15 on:** 05 Apr 2005, 20:55 »

Wow, that reviewer sounds like a complete dickhead . . . And the band were surprisingly reasonable about it all.

Amsterdarn · « **Reply #16 on:** 05 Apr 2005, 23:06 »

I'm almost disappointed at how reasonable and mature that rebuttal was. I mean, come on guys, your name is Cockdeath- you wrote yourself a blank fucking check to be wankers. And properly executed wankery is much more entertaining than reasonability. Even as it stood, they could at least have challenged the guy to a blindfolded knife fight on the field of honor and insulted his dog's manhood.

Brodo Baggins · « **Reply #17 on:** 05 Apr 2005, 23:25 »

ok, on the "this is spinal tap" film, a review for the album "shark sandwich" was a simple a two word review, "SHIT SANDWICH"

That to me is a very insulting review.

muffy · « **Reply #18 on:** 06 Apr 2005, 02:51 »

Best review I ever read -
George Michael's 'Listen Without Prejudice':
"Listen without speakers."

Genius.

I'm all for reviews which condemn an album/artist in one fell swoop - provided that band is established enough for people to know what they sound like...and I also think that theme reviews are better reading than bog standard 'well, it sounds like a cross between this and this and has some cool guitar riffs' stuff - chances are, if you're reading a review, it's because you feel strongly about music, so it's only right that the reviewer has an opinion too, and they won't always agree with you, but it's better to have some life in the words you read than something bland and methodical.
That said, it's so much easier to criticise a band than it is to praise them.

ALoveSupreme · « **Reply #19 on:** 28 Sep 2005, 10:17 »

Quote from: Brodo Baggins

ok, on the "this is spinal tap" film, a review for the album "shark sandwich" was a simple a two word review, "SHIT SANDWICH"

That to me is a very insulting review.

end thread.

ASturge · « **Reply #20 on:** 28 Sep 2005, 10:24 »

haha

ace.

http://www.tinymixtapes.com/musicreviews/n/nine_inch_nails.htm

owned

Praeserpium Machinarum · « **Reply #21 on:** 28 Sep 2005, 11:10 »

Though danish reviewers are not generally abrasive, this review is at least a bit sour Broken Social Scene - You Forgot it in People
Since it's in danish, I will translate the last bit, before that he has been complaining about the terrible production and sound quality.

Just because a flock of postrock-people decide to drop the 20 minutes long and epic songs to make pop music, it doesn't have to be revolutionary.
There is not a lot of fresh thinking to be found. In spite of that, one american reviewer after the other wails about how this cd is
"like no other pop album you've ever heard."
How long have they pray tell had their heads(and the including ears) up their arses?

Ouch.

KharBevNor · « **Reply #22 on:** 28 Sep 2005, 11:19 »

Quote from: ASturge

http://www.tinymixtapes.com/musicreviews/n/nine_inch_nails.htm

That is in fact the best record review ever.

sp2 · « **Reply #23 on:** 28 Sep 2005, 11:41 »

Summed up my take on the album pretty much perfectly.

Se7en · « **Reply #24 on:** 28 Sep 2005, 11:55 »

Quote from: Hector Gilbert

When a professional review does not give a recommendation to the reader (for that album if they liked it, for another album or band/artist exploring a similar field if they didn't), the writer is at fault. Reviews are supposed to be helpful, and when people who are paid to write them come up with either intentionally comic self-indulgence, pure negativity or both it is to me at least infuriating. Some of the negative reviews from NME in particular come across to me as just someone giving a "nobody should like this band anyway" kind of gesture - has anyone ever seen the quick and snappy 4/10 for Einstürzende Neubauten's Silence Is Sexy?

That said, the Pitchfork review of St. Anger was quite funny.

Your not a writer are you? Reviewing ANYTHING is an art. A short and scathing review can be every bit as informative as 500 words of eloquence. Simplicity is often important to making the point, so adding on a load of crap at the end about other bands you might like instead is counterproductive.

Ultimately, all art is self-indulgence. If you dont like it, read something else.

sjbrot · « **Reply #25 on:** 28 Sep 2005, 11:55 »

When I saw the NIN review on TMT, I couldn't figure out what was going on for a second.

Praeserpium Machinarum · « **Reply #26 on:** 28 Sep 2005, 12:29 »

Quote

Ultimately, all art is self-indulgence. If you dont like it, read something else.

and remember kids, there is no such thing as shitty art... Well except for that italian guy who put his feces in cans and put them on display. That was kind of shitty.

it became even more shitty when people started arguing about who's fault it was that they were beginning to leak, talk about anal.
I think I have used my kvota of toilet humour for today, I'll be back!

Merkava · « **Reply #27 on:** 28 Sep 2005, 12:57 »

Pitchfork's review of Death Cab for Cutie's Transatlanticism was hurtful....to my eyes. How the fuck am I supposed to read that bullshit concept review. I usually love their concept reviews for entertainment value, but this was just crap. The handful of points I found scattered through that mess were some that I agreed with, but I like to be able to read a review. kthxbi.

Se7en · « **Reply #28 on:** 28 Sep 2005, 13:05 »

So your complaint is that it wasnt boring enough?

Merkava · « **Reply #29 on:** 28 Sep 2005, 13:07 »

Just because it's art, doesn't mean it's good.

Gryff · « **Reply #30 on:** 28 Sep 2005, 16:58 »

There's nothing wrong with concept reviews if they're done well. I am a music reviewer myself and sometimes, instead of writing another review that says "this band is not too bad but they sound like everything else that's around at the moment", it is fun to do something a bit more creative. A good concept review will slip relevant information in there anyway.

Get over it Pitchfork-haytas!

Station · « **Reply #31 on:** 28 Sep 2005, 17:28 »

Quote from: Merkava

Just because it's art, doesn't mean it's good.

I don't think that any art is factually good or bad. You either like it or you don't, or think that it's more or less relevant to your life. Music is art.

This is my reality.

KharBevNor · « **Reply #32 on:** 28 Sep 2005, 17:36 »

I would be down with pitchfork if they ever reviewed any remotely interesting music.

Metal Hammer allow guest writers, normally band members, to do reviews. I can't remember who it was, what release or what band, but I remember one reviewer giving a particular album -99 out of 100, and saying that listening to it was marginally more traumatic than when he walked in on his parents to find his mother sodomising his father with a strap-on.

Merkava · « **Reply #33 on:** 28 Sep 2005, 18:22 »

Quote from: Station

Quote from: Merkava
Just because it's art, doesn't mean it's good.

I don't think that any art is factually good or bad. You either like it or you don't, or think that it's more or less relevant to your life. Music is art.

This is my reality.

So...you've proved my point. Argument is useless.

Kai · « **Reply #34 on:** 28 Sep 2005, 18:55 »

Khar.

Holy shit, Imagine being in that band and reading it.

Also, you should totally give me a link.

La Creme · « **Reply #35 on:** 28 Sep 2005, 22:25 »

I once read a reveiw in which all three of these things were written: "Disco Volante was a terrible album", "DFD* took Bungle's ideas and just made them so much more intresting", and "I guess Mike Patton should've just stopped with 'Angel Dust'".

I was chewing my fist by the end. I wanted to find this person and kill them nine times, and then kill every peice of them nine times, then kill their family.

*Dog Fashion Disco

McTaggart · « **Reply #36 on:** 28 Sep 2005, 22:45 »

The problem I've got with pitchfork, is that they seem to strive to be completely unreadable. They're not quite at the level of 'Landscapes and Land Uses', my geography textbook, but they're close.

Dara · « **Reply #37 on:** 28 Sep 2005, 22:50 »

I like Pitchfork's writers. I find I rarely agree completely with any critic's opinion of an album, but it's more how they handle the review itself that interests me.

kikanjuuneko · « **Reply #38 on:** 29 Sep 2005, 01:15 »

I wasn't very fond of Atreyu's latest.

Se7en · « **Reply #39 on:** 29 Sep 2005, 09:30 »

Quote from: Merkava

Quote from: Station
Quote from: Merkava
Just because it's art, doesn't mean it's good.

I don't think that any art is factually good or bad. You either like it or you don't, or think that it's more or less relevant to your life. Music is art.

This is my reality.

So...you've proved my point. Argument is useless.

No, i dont think you HAVE a point. Art is entirely subjective right? Music is art. So is writing. And you critisise a peice of creative writing on the subject of music, on objective grounds?

Merkava · « **Reply #40 on:** 29 Sep 2005, 12:44 »

On the fact that I don't like it because I can bearly read it. What's your problem with it? You brought up the argument for no reason. This imploded on itself the minute you mentioned it.

Christ man, let me think without technicalities.

Valrus · « **Reply #41 on:** 29 Sep 2005, 13:15 »

This argument may seem pointless to the outside observer. What you don't know, however, is that whoever wins it gets to drive a car completely made out of candy!

Praeserpium Machinarum · « **Reply #42 on:** 29 Sep 2005, 13:20 »

That's gotta be a safety hazard, I mean can you both eat and drive a car at the same time, while maintaining sound driving.

I know I couldn't.

Merkava · « **Reply #43 on:** 29 Sep 2005, 14:43 »

I konw I couldn't your MOM LAWLS

Cpt.Fantastic · « **Reply #44 on:** 29 Sep 2005, 15:24 »

The Louis XIV review I have read before, very funny, but very wrong, that is a very good album. Love the With Teeth one though.

Freezey · « **Reply #45 on:** 29 Sep 2005, 17:52 »

http://www.punknews.org/reviews.php?op=albumreview&id=2881

Wonderful.

Merkava · « **Reply #46 on:** 29 Sep 2005, 18:16 »

Now THOSE are good concept reviews.

McTaggart · « **Reply #47 on:** 30 Sep 2005, 06:31 »

Some of the comments are even better.

Kai · « **Reply #48 on:** 30 Sep 2005, 09:12 »

Quote from: La Creme

Dog Fashion Disco

Dog Fashion Disco is like, really fucking boring and shitty. To the 16th power.

tomgadd · « **Reply #49 on:** 30 Sep 2005, 12:03 »

Quote from: Se7en

No, i dont think you HAVE a point. Art is entirely subjective right? Music is art. So is writing. And you critisise a peice of creative writing on the subject of music, on objective grounds?

Art is entirely subjective? But by applying the objective categories of subjectivity/objectivity to art, havnt you denied its subjectivity even as you speak it? And furthermore, is all art subjective? When art is trying to make a point, as a lot of art does (ever actually been to an art museum?), then its success in conveying the feeling, reasoning, or information that it wanted to convey is an objective criterion by which we can judge that art. Furthermore, why should we take beauty to be subjective? For what reason (remember, if it is entirely subjective then you cannot legitimately criticise my views about it on objective grounds, but by believing it to be objective I am free to ask for objective grounding for your belief. The wonders of self-referentially incoherent opponents) should we believe that art actually IS subjective? I am inclined to believe that art has some objective criteria by which we can judge it, especially if that art has a purpose. Such as reviewing a record. If the point of a piece of art is to review a record, then maybe it can give me some fucking information about said record. Otherwise, I am pretty fucking certain that its a heck of shitty piece of art.

And all of this notwithstanding, why the heck did someone ressurect this thread? I havn't been on the forum in years, but is this a new trend? Or has noone noticed the timestamp on the first post?

THESE FORUMS NOW CLOSED (read only)

Author Topic: Most Hurtful Record Review Ever (Read 23619 times)

tomgadd

whitehatblackshoes

synecdoche

Psiogen

jal-vani

tomgadd

Hector Gilbert

exliontamer

Amsterdarn

Brodo Baggins

ASturge

Praeserpium Machinarum

sp2

Se7en

sjbrot

Praeserpium Machinarum

Merkava

Se7en

Merkava

Station

Merkava

La Creme

Dara

kikanjuuneko

Se7en

Merkava

Praeserpium Machinarum

Merkava

Cpt.Fantastic

Freezey

Merkava

tomgadd