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Author Topic: Most Hurtful Record Review Ever  (Read 23577 times)

Praeserpium Machinarum

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Most Hurtful Record Review Ever
« Reply #50 on: 30 Sep 2005, 12:53 »
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I konw I couldn't your MOM LAWLS


Seriously, I couldn't, seeing as I don't have a driver's license, I mean as if it weren't hard enough already... geez
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McTaggart

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« Reply #51 on: 01 Oct 2005, 02:48 »
Quote from: tomgadd
And all of this notwithstanding, why the heck did someone ressurect this thread? I havn't been on the forum in years, but is this a new trend? Or has noone noticed the timestamp on the first post?


Not that you mention it, it is kindof old. but I love the way the post that revived it read 'end thread'.
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One day ends and another begins and we're never none the wiser.

Thrillho

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« Reply #52 on: 01 Oct 2005, 14:40 »
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Rauko

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« Reply #53 on: 01 Oct 2005, 20:41 »
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Thrillho

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« Reply #54 on: 02 Oct 2005, 09:14 »
Quote from: Rauko
Try this one, it's just mean http://pitchforkmedia.com/record-reviews/j/jet/get-born.shtml


Hahahaha. To be fair, it's the most derivative record I've ever heard, even down to the album cover. I think they justified their own panning..
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sjbrot

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« Reply #55 on: 02 Oct 2005, 13:31 »
I was kind of wishing that rockmidgets.com would be a website devoted entirely to mercilessly critiquing bands that feature kids between kindergarten and Grade Four.

If there isn't such a website, someone needs to start it. NOW.
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tania

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« Reply #56 on: 02 Oct 2005, 18:00 »
Wish granted!

Except without the "band" part.

http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=irule
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Spike

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« Reply #57 on: 02 Oct 2005, 21:58 »
I don't particularly care for reviews or the people who do reviews because I often times find myself not agreeing with them but I must admit that the Louis XIV review was hilarious.
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ImRonBurgundy?

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« Reply #58 on: 03 Oct 2005, 19:45 »
i found some gems in the Aug/Sept 2005 issue of American Music Press.

Quote
ALMIGHTY LUMBERJACKS OF DEATH
"Always Out of Control, but Never Out of Beer" CD
16 tracks-everything this Detroit band recorded during their tenure in the late 80s/early 90s.  Musically, they drew heavily from the likes of the OPPRESSED and early BLITZ, and sound all the better for it.  Lyrically, unfortunately, they were (are) retarded morons.  They love the flag (so fucking join up and fight like a real man, you hypocritical fuck) and pussy.  Not so good for your country, or women, I suspect. (RK)


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BREAK THE SILENCE
"Merciless Mercenary" CD
One song is called "Flea Faced God".  Another is called "Scroll Of Anger".  The singer is named A.P. Hellthroat.  These reviews just write themselves.  But yo, about that singer's name, Hellthroat needs to be a band name.  Someone please start a shitty metal band and call it Hellthroat.  Then record a demo, send it to me, and I'll make fun of it because it has demons and dragons and shit on the cover. (STM)


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DEMONS AND WIZARDS
"Touched By The Crimson King" CD
Holy shit, normally I'd clown on a band like this and say something about demons and wizards, but I'll be damned, they beat me to it.  They've made a preemptive strike.  They've got hand!  Shit.  Whatever.  It's still an album about demons and wizards, so I win.  No, we all lose. (STM)


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DEW-SCENTED
"Issue VI" CD
Are you dead fucking serious with that name?  Dew-Scented?  That was the best you could come up with? (STM)


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SMALL TOWNS BURN A LITTLE SLOWER
"Morality As Home Entertainment" CD
Over recent years, band names have been getting longer and longer, more vague, and more inane.  I think, for the most part, we've all sat back and accepted it as the way it is.  But I'm here to say I've had enough--because this one just pushed it a bit too far!  Seriously--it's just too long, too bizarre, and just makes absolutely no sense.  C'mon now guys--SMALL TOWNS BURN A LITTLE SLOWER--are you serious?  Is this a fact?  Do you know this is the case?  Have you burned, say, a large town, and timed it and compared this to a small town?  I'm truly interested in knowing the facts!  Oh, and the band itself--they're doing the thing that the kids like.  File with: ANBERLIN, THE RECEIVING END OF SIRENS, UNDEROATH, et al. (MWB)


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VARIOUS ARTISTS
"What The Kids Want" CD
The title says it all, doesn't it?  And they're right... this sampler of Tooth & Nail/Solid State bands is EXACTLY what the kid wants.  Tight pop with hooks and screams.  The bands featured are TERMINAL, WAKING ASHLAND, AS CITIES BURN, EAGER SEAS, and DISCOVER AMERICA.  It's what the kids want!  It sells!  Is it what I want?  No. (MWB)
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Quote from: tommydski on 07 Aug 2008, 10:08
You just came back to shit in my heart, didn't you Ryan?

Johnny C

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« Reply #59 on: 03 Oct 2005, 21:00 »
I desire a subscription to this magazine very much.
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Merkava

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« Reply #60 on: 04 Oct 2005, 13:28 »
I would love to start a magazine like that. That would rock so hard.
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Kai

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« Reply #61 on: 04 Oct 2005, 15:25 »
Demons and Wizards totally deserves it. Seriously, way to steal your album title from King Crimson, assholes.
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Quote from: Mr. Doctor on 21 Sep 2009, 12:01
but the music sucks because the keyboards don't have the cold/mechanical sound they had but a wannabe techno sound that it's pathetic for Rammstein standars.

KharBevNor

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« Reply #62 on: 04 Oct 2005, 16:29 »
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The name King Crimson was coined by Peter Sinfield as a synonym for Beelzebub, prince of demons; according to Fripp, Beelzebub is an anglicised form of the Arabic phrase "B'il Sabab", meaning "the man with an aim"


So they could have called it 'Touched by Satan', but instead they made it a cool tribute to a band I'm sure they love, given their taste in covers and apparent influences.

Plus the self-titled owns your fucking soul.

Anyway, criticising metal bands based on the principle of 'hurr hurr silly name' is a) about as original as a Darkness single b) biased, all metal bands have silly names. If you don't like or at least understand the cliches you shouldn't be touching the metal section. It's like having some dude who craps himself whenever he hears brass instruments reviewing all the ska records. c) says nothing about the actual music. Did the guy even listen to the CD? Did he recieve it? It isn't even a novelty review. It's like having yelling birds retarded cousin reviewing your records.

Similiar points to all those reviews of other genres that use similiar tactics. I wouldn't buy a rag filled with shit like that, to be frank.
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ImRonBurgundy?

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« Reply #63 on: 04 Oct 2005, 20:30 »
Quote from: KharBevNor
Anyway, criticising metal bands based on the principle of 'hurr hurr silly name' is a) about as original as a Darkness single b) biased, all metal bands have silly names. If you don't like or at least understand the cliches you shouldn't be touching the metal section. It's like having some dude who craps himself whenever he hears brass instruments reviewing all the ska records. c) says nothing about the actual music. Did the guy even listen to the CD? Did he recieve it? It isn't even a novelty review. It's like having yelling birds retarded cousin reviewing your records.


well, the guy/girl who was clowning on those metal bands also gave stellar reviews to As I Lay Dying, Soilent Green, Cipher, Mistress, etc., which leads me to believe that he/she is the magazine's resident metal/metalcore/grindcore/whatever reviewer, a style of music that I will admit I don't know much about.  I just thought the reviews were funny.
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Quote from: tommydski on 07 Aug 2008, 10:08
You just came back to shit in my heart, didn't you Ryan?

Kai

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« Reply #64 on: 05 Oct 2005, 13:44 »
See, those are all those new fangled American grindcore bands that Fuse has been hawking off. Seriously, AILD and all their cronies suck ass.
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Quote from: Mr. Doctor on 21 Sep 2009, 12:01
but the music sucks because the keyboards don't have the cold/mechanical sound they had but a wannabe techno sound that it's pathetic for Rammstein standars.

ImRonBurgundy?

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« Reply #65 on: 05 Oct 2005, 14:52 »
meh, i was just pulling names out of the magazine.  i don't really care, anyway.
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Quote from: tommydski on 07 Aug 2008, 10:08
You just came back to shit in my heart, didn't you Ryan?

KharBevNor

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« Reply #66 on: 05 Oct 2005, 15:03 »
Quote from: Kai
See, those are all those new fangled American grindcore bands that Fuse has been hawking off. Seriously, AILD and all their cronies suck ass.


Beat me to it. This was on my mental check-list of things to rant about, but I got distracted watching DVD's of season six of The West Wing.

But yes, trumpeting, let's be frank, rather derivative art-grind and art-sludge and rubbishing real metal because they have silly names is just trend-whoring. Fine if it's Pig Destroyer or Discordance Axis or, y'know, any good grind, but seriously.
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[22:25] Dovey: i don't get sigquoted much
[22:26] Dovey: like, maybe, 4 or 5 times that i know of?
[22:26] Dovey: and at least one of those was a blatant ploy at getting sigquoted

http://panzerdivisio

ImRonBurgundy?

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« Reply #67 on: 05 Oct 2005, 15:19 »
fair enough.

however, i maintain that Dew-Scented is a pretty fucking stupid name for ANY type of band.
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Quote from: tommydski on 07 Aug 2008, 10:08
You just came back to shit in my heart, didn't you Ryan?

sjbrot

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« Reply #68 on: 05 Oct 2005, 16:52 »
TMT's Review of Black Mountain

Kinda makes me want to slap the reviewer.
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Oerdin

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« Reply #69 on: 05 Oct 2005, 22:21 »
I avoid most record reviews since I almost always find the reviewers to be pretentious twats who seem to love extraneous verbiage more then music.  Normally, I just listen to tracks off of the internet and buy the ones I like or albums which friends recommend.  This no doubt reveals me to not be a hipster but that doesn't really bother me either.
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sjbrot

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« Reply #70 on: 06 Oct 2005, 11:50 »
I personally have only a couple of reviewers who I would trust 100% (Fred Mills being among them), but, on the most part, I believe that individual reviews shouldn't be seen as indicative of a general truth.

I think the best way to get an idea about the album is to read at least three or four reviews from a variety of sources. Now, not everyone really cares to do this, which I understand, and not everyone has that much spare time, which I understand as well.

I just believe that that's the most effective way to take reviews.
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Thrillho

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« Reply #71 on: 06 Oct 2005, 15:52 »
Quote from: sjbrot
I personally have only a couple of reviewers who I would trust 100% (Fred Mills being among them), but, on the most part, I believe that individual reviews shouldn't be seen as indicative of a general truth.

I think the best way to get an idea about the album is to read at least three or four reviews from a variety of sources. Now, not everyone really cares to do this, which I understand, and not everyone has that much spare time, which I understand as well.

I just believe that that's the most effective way to take reviews.


I tend to read 3 or 4 just because of my reading material. My parents' newspaper does album reviews each Saturday, and I buy two monthly music magazines.
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