Scandalous allegations have recently been sweeping the underground metal community. These centre around the disturbing rumours that the renowned Norwegian black metal superstars ‘Flagrant Goatsvomit’ have been inserting backwards messages into their music.
The alarm was called when an enthusiast actually BOUGHT the vinyl version of their seminal, limited edition LP ‘Impaling Priests upon the Nostril Hairs of the Satanogoat’, and, after a few plays forward, decided to put it on backwards.
“I was shocked.” Says the man, who wishes to remain anonymous, “halfway through Ominous Sound of Jagpanzers Crushing the Skulls of the Weakling Christian Scum I heard, unmistakably, a perfectly normal, indeed, even cheerful (at this the man shuddered) voice saying “Jesus wants you for a sunbeam”. I couldn’t believe it!”
Gritting his teeth, the man played through the entire rest of the record, his cheeks growing more flushed with health as he heard such right-thinking instructions as “Burning down historic churches is evil” and “Don’t commit suicide”.
The affect of these instructions upon impressionable youngsters is undeniable. We interviewed Lars Ulrikssen, 19 "It was horrible. I stopped cutting my wrists and burning my arms with cigarettes, I started wearing normal clothes, cut my hair and even tidied my room!" At this point Lars burst into tears, and showed us his totally healed arms. “The scars are fading!” he moaned.
Luckily, there is help for people like Lars. A special hotline has been set up for teenagers who feel they have been affected by these insidious messages of peace, goodwill and love of their fellow man. With the help of friends and family, and a concerned local Arch-Magister, Lars is already on the road to recovery.
“He started mutilating animals again last week” says Mrs. Ulrikssen, 44, proudly.
When asked for comment, vocalist and lyricist Trollsodomizer was outraged. “That is the most fucking stupid thing I’ve ever heard in my entire fucking life!” roared the musician as he beat our reporter around the neck and face with a pewter candlestick. However, a recent photograph taken by undercover investigative reporters show Trollsodomizer wearing a cross on the right way up, and even smiling at small children.
“This kind of thing is utterly unacceptable” Said the statesmen for the Church of Satan in a private interview. “If this sort of thing keeps going on, attendance figures will slump, and we me even see a rise in the morality of the nation!”
The Ulrikssen family are currently suing the band for the vicious mental healing of their son.
Something I wrote some time ago, thought it might raise a chuckle here.
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Topic: Metal band inserts subliminal messages into its Music! (Read 14687 times)