Topic: THE REALLY BAD JOKES THREAD (Read 116987 times)

mooface · « **on:** 17 Jul 2007, 02:37 »

i think we did something like this already, but i wanna do it again. i want to see all the lamest jokes that you know. except for dead baby jokes and yo mama jokes because seriously come on guys you can do better than that.

here are some jokes to start off!

Q what is the difference between a one-winged bird and two-winged bird?
A it's a matter of a pinion!

Q what is brown and sticky?
A a stick!

Q how do pirates communicate?
A by sea-mail!

okay now your turn, go!

Eris · « **Reply #1 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 02:43 »

Q How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A Two, but God Knows how they go in there in the first place!

Runs_With_Scissors · « **Reply #2 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 02:45 »

Want to hear a dirty joke?

A white cat falls in the mud

End of joke

Wasn't it funny?

No, seriously, someone told me this joke... I might have actually laughed at some point

Tactical Error · « **Reply #3 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 02:51 »

What do you get when you mix a hippo, an elephant, and a rhino?

Helliphino.

Jimmy the Squid · « **Reply #4 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 02:53 »

Why did the plane crash?

The pilot was a tomato.

Why did Kevin fall off his bike?

Kevin was a goldfish.

Runs_With_Scissors · « **Reply #5 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 02:55 »

I must say, I actually laughed at those last two. Complete randomness is sometimes funny.

Eris · « **Reply #6 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 03:12 »

Q What did the farmer say when he couldn't find his tractor?
A Where's my tractor?

Gridgm · « **Reply #7 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 03:18 »

Quote from: Runs_With_Scissors on 17 Jul 2007, 02:45

Want to hear a dirty joke?

A white cat falls in the mud

End of joke

Wasn't it funny?

No, seriously, someone told me this joke... I might have actually laughed at some point

wanna hear a dirty joke?
a boy fell in some mud
wanna hear a clean joke?
he had a bath with bubbles
wanna hear a dirty joke
...(wait for it)

BUBBLES WAS THE GIRL NEXT DOOR

Jimmy the Squid · « **Reply #8 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 03:47 »

Why did the boy fall off his bike?

Someone through a fridge at him.

What is the difference between a tuba and a trampoline?

You take your boots off when you jump on a trampoline.

Iron_Fist · « **Reply #9 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 04:14 »

I take it back I'm a cock.

Gridgm · « **Reply #10 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 04:17 »

Quote from: Iron_Fist on 17 Jul 2007, 04:14

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb... NONE! FEMINISTS CAN'T CHANGE ANYTHING!

CardinalFang · « **Reply #11 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 04:28 »

Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: The fish!

Gridgm, I don't think all of us deserve a seizure because of Iron Fist's 'joke'. Couldn't you PM him that or something?

Gridgm · « **Reply #12 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 04:31 »

well to be honest with you it is a bad joke in itself...it jsut happened to coincide with his joke

Cartilage Head · « **Reply #13 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 04:40 »

What is the worst joke ever?

The one about fucking babies.

pen · « **Reply #14 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 04:40 »

a string walks down the street and goes into a bar for a drink.

Bartender: Are you a string?

String: Yessir.

Bartender: We don't serve strings here! Get out!

So the string leaves and comes back the next day. Again, the bartender told the string to get lost and not to come back again. The poor string, now suffering from... well, not being hammered... gets an idea! He ties himself up and gets a brush and starts going crazy brushing himself all over. He then walks into the bar. The bartender eyes him warily.

Bartender: Hmmm.... are you a string.

String: I'm a frayed knot.

/end joke

Iron_Fist · « **Reply #15 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 04:44 »

Quote from: CardinalFang on 17 Jul 2007, 04:28

Gridgm, I don't think all of us deserve a seizure because of Iron Fist's 'joke'. Couldn't you PM him that or something?

Well I thought it was funny.

Gridgm · « **Reply #16 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 04:48 »

exactly this is mean to be for REALLY BAD JOKES

StaedlerMars · « **Reply #17 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 05:28 »

A guy walks into a bar...

ouch.

That is all.

Aimless · « **Reply #18 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 05:39 »

Quote from: mooface on 17 Jul 2007, 02:37

Q what is brown and sticky?
A a stick!

This is one of my stock jokes for making grumpy girls get over it and smile!

Along with:

"Why did the tomato blush? Because she saw the salad dressing!"

and

"What did the fish say when it hit the wall? DAM!"

Aaaand of course, "A priest, a rabbi and a bishop walk into a bar. The bartender says, 'What is this, some kinda joke?!'"

tragic_pizza · « **Reply #19 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 05:41 »

Duck walks into a convenience store, asks the guy behind the counter, "You got any grapes?" The guy says, "no," and the duck walks out.
Five minutes later, the duck walks back into the convenience store, asks the guy behind the counter, "You got any grapes?" The guy says, "Uh, NO!" and the duck walks out.
Five minutes later, the duck walks back into the convenience store, asks the guy behind the counter, "You got any grapes?" The guy says, "I SAID NO, and if you come back in here again and ask me about grapes I am gonna NAIL YOUR WEBBED FEET TO THE FLOOR!!!" and the duck walks out.
Five minutes later, the duck walks back into the convenience store, asks the guy behind the counter, "You got any nails?" The guy says, "NO!" and the duck asks, "You got any grapes?."

/end joke

Inlander · « **Reply #20 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 06:05 »

I'm pretty sure I've told both these jokes here before, but I guess with all the new people around they could stand to be retold.

Q: How many Grateful Dead fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: They don't change it, they wait until it burns out then follow it around the country.

Q: How many performance artists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I don't know, I left during the interval.

Quote from: tommydski on 17 Jul 2007, 05:20

You Have Cum In Your Hair and Your Dick Is Hanging Out

Tommy, do you know if this is this where Will Oldham got the title for the song of that name from?

CardinalFang · « **Reply #21 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 06:25 »

Quote from: Gridgm on 17 Jul 2007, 04:48

exactly this is mean to be for REALLY BAD JOKES

What did you say? I was busy having a seizure.

chocolate_octopus · « **Reply #22 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 06:30 »

A motorway walks into a bar, sits down and has a drink. soon after a small strip of tarmac walks in, the motorway jums behind the bar & hides behind the barman, the barman turns to him and says, "What's the matter, you're a great big motorway and he's only a little bit of tarmac?". The motorway says to the barman, " you don't understand, he's a cyclepath!"

0bsessions · « **Reply #23 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 06:34 »

Q: How many DragonballZ characters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but it takes about eight episodes to do it.

Q: What do you call a blind deer?
A: No eye deer
Q:What do you call a blind deer with no legs?
A: Still no eye deer
Q: What do you call a blind deer with no legs and no genitalia?
A: Still no fucking eye deer

Two mental patients escape from a psychiatric ward together via the roof. They come to the edge of the roof, but find the next building is too far away to make the jump. One patient turns to the other and says:
"Okay, I'll shine the flashlight across and you walk across the beam, then I'll toss it over to you, so I can cross."
The other mental patient says, "What do you think, I'm nuts? You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway across!"
(Special thanks to Alan Moore for that one)

Pretty much everything I've got left is just ridiculously offensive.

camelpimp · « **Reply #24 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 06:55 »

A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.

They leave with a deeper understanding of the universe and new friendships.

Slick · « **Reply #25 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 07:09 »

MaiAda, that is ridiculously unsettling. RIDICULOUSLY!
In my lecture just now, a guy told me the "what's brown and sticky?" joke for the first time and I loved it, I loved it so much I thought "hey, I should go make a thread about silly jokes on the forums". Then I show up and THE VERY THREAD IS ALREADY HERE!

So:
A seal walks into a club.

What do a monkey and a bicycle have in common?
They both have wheels! Except for the monkey.

Will · « **Reply #26 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 07:22 »

ANATOMY JOKE!
Q: What's the difference between a penis and a garden hose?
A: Oh, there's a Vas Deferens

Q: What do you call a woman flying an airplane?
A: The pilot, you damned sexist pig!

Inlander · « **Reply #27 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 07:28 »

Oh! I remembered my other favourite one that I've told lots of times before.

Three statisticians go deer hunting. They spot a deer: the first statistician shoots and misses to the left; the second shoots and misses to the right. The third punches the air and shouts triumphantly: "We got it!"

IronOxide · « **Reply #28 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 08:17 »

An A, C, and an E walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "We don't serve minors here."

So the C leaves and the A and the E share a fifth.

DoubleAW · « **Reply #29 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 09:00 »

Music joke! Nice.

I have a whole stash of bad jokes... You all used most of them. :/

Scarychips · « **Reply #30 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 09:13 »

There's a gay guy and a monkey in a bar
One order a banana split and the other a cocktail

There's 2 potatoes in a furnace, the first one says: "Man, It's hot in here". The second one shout: "Oh my god, a talking potato"

I think it's the best bad jokes I can come up with

Ozymandias · « **Reply #31 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 09:15 »

What do John the Baptist and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
They have the same middle name!

mooface · « **Reply #32 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 09:16 »

i am a philosophy nerd so i am going to tell a bunch of philosophy jokes now!

A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."
So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.
Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades...and to the amazement of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class.
His answer to the question: "What chair?"

An engineer, an experimental physicist, a theoretical physicist, and a philosopher were hiking through the hills of Scotland. Cresting the top of one hill, they see, on top of the next, a black sheep. The engineer says: "What do you know, the sheep in Scotland are black." "Well, *some* of the sheep in Scotland are black," replies the experimental physicist. The theoretical physicist considers this for a moment and says "Well, at least one of the sheep in Scotland is black." "Well," the philosopher responds, "on one side, anyway."

Renee Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks him, "What'll it be? The usual?" Descartes replies "I don't think-"
...and disappears.

Emaline · « **Reply #33 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 09:24 »

Why is Helen Keller a bad driver?
because she's a woman.

supersheep · « **Reply #34 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 09:45 »

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?

One.

TheFuriousWombat · « **Reply #35 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 10:38 »

Q: What's a snowman's favorite game?
A: Freeze Tag

Q: What's a penguin's favorite game?
A: Freeze Tag

Q: What's an icicle's favorite game?
A: Freeze Tag

Q: What's a polar bear's favorite game?
A: Freeze Tag

Aww yeah.

Jimmy the Squid · « **Reply #36 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 10:51 »

What's harder than putting a cat in a microwave?

My erection.

Liz · « **Reply #37 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 11:30 »

What did Batman say to Robin before they got into the Batmobile?
- Robin, get in the Batmobile!

SeanBateman · « **Reply #38 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 11:37 »

I think last time we had this thread I broke it.

schimmy · « **Reply #39 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 11:38 »

Then don't post in it.

0bsessions · « **Reply #40 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 11:51 »

Quote from: Emaline on 17 Jul 2007, 09:24

Why is Helen Keller a bad driver?
because she's a woman.

Did you see Helen Keller's new doll house?
.
.
.
.
.
...Neither did she.

Kylos · « **Reply #41 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 12:17 »

Q: WHat's white and can't climb trees?
A: A fridge!

Q: Why did the boy fall off the swing?
A: He didn't have any arms!

Q: How do you find a rabbit in long grass?
A: Make a noise like a carrot.

Q: What's green and flies?
A: SUPER PICKLE!

Yeah... i have more.

Orbert · « **Reply #42 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 12:22 »

Two idiots are driving a truck out in the middle of nowhere. They come to a bridge and there's a sign that says

WARNING - LOW BRIDGE
NO TRUCKS OVER 12 FEET

One looks at the other and says "How tall did you say this truck is?"
The other says "12 feet 5 inches."
The first one looks around and gets a sly look on his face. "I don't see no cops, do you?"

Oli · « **Reply #43 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 14:08 »

Quote from: mooface on 17 Jul 2007, 09:16

Renee Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks him, "What'll it be? The usual?" Descartes replies "I don't think-"
...and disappears.

o/

Johnny C · « **Reply #44 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 14:22 »

Quote from: tommydski on 17 Jul 2007, 06:09

It is an old joke but the version I heard before ends in the punchline "You hum it, I'll play it".

The version I heard had the pianist describing the act to the manager, rather than naming the songs to the audience.

mooface · « **Reply #45 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 14:43 »

Quote from: Oli on 17 Jul 2007, 14:08

Quote from: mooface on 17 Jul 2007, 09:16
Renee Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks him, "What'll it be? The usual?" Descartes replies "I don't think-"
...and disappears.

o/

\o

it's one of my favorite jokes of all time.

ruyi · « **Reply #46 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 15:09 »

Quote from: IronOxide on 17 Jul 2007, 08:17

An A, C, and an E walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "We don't serve minors here."

So the C leaves and the A and the E share a fifth.

i told a variation of this one time. alternative ending: the A and E turn to the C and say, "quick, look sharp!"

CookedHaggis · « **Reply #47 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 15:23 »

A family walk into a talent agency. Before they can do anything, the agent asks, "what are you called?". The father replies "The Aristocrats".

Orbert · « **Reply #48 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 15:26 »

I like that version better than the original. I finally read The Aristocrats and it was one of the most disgusting things I've ever read, and I'm not even sure why it's supposed to be funny.

CookedHaggis · « **Reply #49 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 15:29 »

You read it? Isn't the whole point of the aristocrats jokes that it's more or less made up on the spot to include the vilest things that spring to mind?

THESE FORUMS NOW CLOSED (read only)

Author Topic: THE REALLY BAD JOKES THREAD (Read 116987 times)

mooface

camelpimp

mooface

SeanBateman

mooface

CookedHaggis

CookedHaggis