Topic: THE REALLY BAD JOKES THREAD (Read 117048 times)

Zingoleb · « **Reply #450 on:** 08 May 2009, 15:05 »

Sarah Palin.

Zingoleb · « **Reply #451 on:** 08 May 2009, 15:05 »

She was some sort of practical joke, right?

SirJuggles · « **Reply #452 on:** 09 May 2009, 00:26 »

Hey guys guys guys!

What do you get when you cross a power-hungry world leader with potatoes?

A dicTATER!

Vern LaVey · « **Reply #453 on:** 09 May 2009, 12:12 »

A paraplegic walks into a bar...

rynne · « **Reply #454 on:** 09 May 2009, 12:17 »

I prefer this variation:

Quote from: pwhodges on 05 May 2009, 23:23

<insert obligatory groan here>

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

.

.

.

.

That's not funny!

Zingoleb · « **Reply #455 on:** 09 May 2009, 12:22 »

An Irishman walks past a bar...

Wait, this is the jokes thread, not the fairytale thread

rynne · « **Reply #456 on:** 09 May 2009, 12:43 »

Oh, that reminds me of this Irish bar joke:

An Irishman moves to New York City. Once settled in, he finds the nearest bar and orders four shots of whiskey. The bartender fills four shot glasses and gives them to the Irishman, who downs all four in quick succession. The next day, the Irishman goes to the same bar, orders four more shots of whiskey. The bartender says, "Hey, if you're gonna drink them all at once, I can just give you one glass." The Irishman replies, "No, thanks. One's for myself and the others are for the three brothers I left back home."

And so it goes. Every day the Irishman comes in, and every day the bartender has four shots of whiskey waiting. Then one day, the Irishman drinks three shots, and with a sigh pushes the remaining glass back across the bar, his face hung down in an expression of mourning. The bartender, realizing something's amiss, comes over and in a hushed voice says, "I'm sorry, what's happened to your brother?"

The Irishman looks up and says, "Oh, my brothers are fine. But my doctor tells me I have to stop drinking."

Siibillam-Law · « **Reply #457 on:** 09 May 2009, 17:26 »

That was actually quite funny

Boudicca · « **Reply #458 on:** 09 May 2009, 20:13 »

The reason hitting below the belt is not counted in sabre is that it could cause brain damage.

Q: How many foil fencers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Not as many as it takes to change a heavy bulb.

A fencing salle may be the only place you'll ever hear one man ask another: "Will you zip me up?"

supersheep · « **Reply #459 on:** 10 May 2009, 04:04 »

Quote from: Zingoleb on 09 May 2009, 12:22

An Irishman walks past a bar...

Wait, this is the jokes thread, not the fairytale thread

this joke is the best at following the thread title

Stryc9Fuego · « **Reply #460 on:** 10 May 2009, 15:02 »

I notice there were no jokes about epee fencing, probably because that's enough of a joke in it's own right.

Yayniall · « **Reply #461 on:** 10 May 2009, 15:27 »

Quote from: Stryc9Fuego on 10 May 2009, 15:02

I notice there were no jokes about epee fencing, probably because that's enough of a joke in it's own right.

I thought about taking up fencing, but then I thought what's the point?

JD · « **Reply #462 on:** 10 May 2009, 20:12 »

What do you get when you mix a analyst with a therapist?

A analrapist

Coward · « **Reply #463 on:** 11 May 2009, 04:42 »

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?

AIDS.

Yayniall · « **Reply #464 on:** 11 May 2009, 04:59 »

A limo driver picks up the Pope from the airport.
The pope has a request:
"In Vatican I am never allowed to drive cars. Could you let me drive?"
The driver thinks that that's not such a good idea, after all it's his job to drive the pope and bring him to his destination safely, the driver fears he could lose his job over this.
The pope insists and promises a really high tip, so the driver gives in. He sits in the back and the pope drives.
And how he drives! 150 km/h inside the city.
"Your holyness, please drive slower!"
But it's too late! The police stops them.
The driver (sitting in the back) fears for his driving licence.
The police officer looks into the car, goes back to his car and calls his boss.
"I have stopped someone with 150 km/h inside the city."
"Well, why do you call me, just arrest him."
"I think he might be really important."
"Really important? I don't care, 150 km/h in the city, he could have killed someone, he must be out of his mind, arrest him!"
"I think he might be really really important."
"Well, who is it?"
"I am not sure, but his driver is the pope."

Vern LaVey · « **Reply #465 on:** 12 May 2009, 08:37 »

Quote from: Coward on 11 May 2009, 04:42

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?

AIDS.

Simple, Offensive... I love it!
It comes off as an old "staple" joke, but I've never heard it.

Zingoleb · « **Reply #466 on:** 12 May 2009, 13:51 »

I liked the AIDS joke, too.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, grandma was beating off the Indians while the cavalry was coming.

Chad K. · « **Reply #467 on:** 12 May 2009, 17:25 »

A man with an enormous head the shade of a construction cone walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender pours his drink, and tries to avoid looking, but he's drawn to the man's enormous day-glo melon. Finally he can't help it anymore and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, and I don't mean to be rude but..."

At which point the man cuts him off with a smile and says, "I know, I know. Don't worry I get this one all the time. You want to know how I got to be like this, right?" "Well, yeah," says the bartender.

"Here's the thing," says the man. "I was walking along the beach one day, when I came upon a lamp that looked like something straight out of 'Lawrence of Arabia'. Of course, I rub it, and sure enough a genie pops out and offers me three wishes. So the first wish I make is to be independently wealthy, which he granted. To this day, I don't believe I'll ever have to want for money again."

"That's amazing," said the bartender. "I know," said the man.

"The second wish," said the man, "Was to meet the love of my life, who would love me forever in return. And sure enough, he introduced me to my wonderful wife."

"That's beautiful," said the bartender, "but what about the third wish?"

"See, that's where I think I went wrong," said the man.

"Why, what'd you wish for?"

"A giant orange head."

Patrick · « **Reply #468 on:** 12 May 2009, 17:33 »

A buddy of mine told me this one, a friend of his is serving in Iraq and heard it going around and decided to share.

Why are Iraqis like pool balls?

The harder you whack them around, the more English you get.

Zingoleb · « **Reply #469 on:** 13 May 2009, 01:21 »

Two Iraqi mothers are showing each other pictures of their sons. One of them sighs, "They blow up so fast."

Yayniall · « **Reply #470 on:** 14 May 2009, 14:33 »

Theres been a big bust-up in the biscuit tin.....a bandit called rocky who was crackers hit a penguin over the head with a club. tied him to a wagon wheel with a blue ribbon. kidnapped a trophy and made his breakaway in a taxi. the police say rocky was last seen just after eight by a viscount from maryland hobnobbing a ginger nut. unfortunately they have not got a crumb of evidence! (the jammie dodger got away)

Wolf · « **Reply #471 on:** 14 May 2009, 15:23 »

Quote from: Chad K. on 12 May 2009, 17:25

"A giant orange head."

Am I missing something here I don't get it.

I've heard the 12 inch Pianist joke but not this one.

Orbert · « **Reply #472 on:** 14 May 2009, 15:50 »

Supposedly "it's funny because it's expected". I agree with the second part.

Boudicca · « **Reply #473 on:** 15 May 2009, 22:49 »

Quote from: Stryc9Fuego on 10 May 2009, 15:02

I notice there were no jokes about epee fencing, probably because that's enough of a joke in it's own right.

You can always tell what weapon someone fences by listening to their conversations:
- Foil fencers talk about the price of their clothes
- Épée fencers talk about the price of their weapons
- Sabre fencers talk about the price of their women

- Épée fencers talk about getting screwed in the market
- Foil fencers talk about getting screwed by their lovers
- Sabre fencers talk about getting screwed by directors

Stryc9Fuego · « **Reply #474 on:** 18 May 2009, 13:54 »

A man is sitting in a bar and sees a girl walk into the bar that he thinks he went home with before. "Excuse me, but I think that we hooked up before. If I remember correctly, you have this really fancy brass - furnished restroom." She says, "I don't have a fancy restroom, but you must be the asshole who took a shit in my tuba!"

A comedian told this joke, and the thing that made it funny is that he told it with John F. Kennedy's accent.

...the joke itself sucks, though.

Barmymoo · « **Reply #475 on:** 19 May 2009, 05:55 »

I hope I haven't already told this one but I can't be bothered to trawl back looking for it so let's pretend I haven't if I have.

A little boy is obsessed with tractors. Tractors are his favourite thing ever, all his toys are tractors and all his clothes have tractor motifs. His bedroom wallpaper is tractor patterned, his curtains are tractors, his placemat at dinner has a tractor on it. Every year his dad buys him something tractor-themed for his birthday. Seriously, no one likes tractors more than this boy.

When the little boy is almost ten he starts looking round the house for his birthday present, but he can't find a thing. He can't find a tractor-shaped parcel, he can't find any tractor wrapping paper, he can't even find a tractor birthday card. He looks in all the places where adults hide things thinking that no one will find them but there's nothing at all anywhere.

On his birthday the little boy springs out of bed and runs downstairs, convinced that there will be a present somewhere, but there's nothing and his dad doesn't even say happy birthday to him. By lunchtime the little boy is devastated, thinking his dad has forgotten his birthday. He eats his sandwiches in silence and begins to cry.

His dad gets up and grabs his car keys, telling the boy to follow him. They get into the car and drive and a few minutes later they arrive at a farm. There's a huge red tractor in the yard and the little boy's eyes light up; even more so when his dad tells him that for his birthday present, he can drive the tractor around the farmer's field for an hour or so. The farmer shows the little boy how to operate the tractor and then lets him drive into the field and off.

The boy is thrilled and he drives around the field a few times, going slowly and carefully with no problems at all. Every time he passes the gate he waves to his dad and the farmer and they wave back. But the fifth time he mistimes the corner and goes ploughing through the farm house wall, destroying the whole thing utterly.

Well, his dad is furious. He grabs the little boy and hauls him home, shouting all the way about insurance and stupidity and how he never wants to hear the word "tractor" ever again. When they get home he gathers up all the little boy's tractor things into a bin bag and throws them out, and no matter how much the little boy begs he is never allowed another tractor toy.

Like all children the boy grows up and gets other interests and when he's an adult he becomes a fire fighter. He's actually a very good fireman, and he's quickly promoted to the Chief Officer of his station. One day the crew is called to a huge fire at a block of flats where two small children are trapped on an upstairs floor, unable to get out due to the amount of smoke chocking the stairway. Everyone is panicking and they can't think of a way to get them out but the Chief Officer who was once the little boy marches right up to the building, throws open the door and goes to the stairwell. He takes a deep breath, sucking in a lot of smoke, and then blows it back out again behind him. Very quickly the stairs are clear of smoke and he can run up and fetch the children, and he carries them back down to safety.

Everyone is amazed and they all praise him, calling him a hero and a miracle worker. A local newspaper sends a reporter and she asks him what everyone wants to know: "How did you do it? How did you get rid of all that smoke without choking?"

"Easy," says the man who was once the little boy. "I'm an ex-tractor fan."

Dollface · « **Reply #476 on:** 19 May 2009, 10:35 »

Q:How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe, and one to put the clocks in the bathtub.

Q:How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb?
A: WHO WANTS TO KNOW?

Q:How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:Two. One to screw the bulb almost all the way in, and one to give a surprising twist at the end.

Q:How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
A:One.

Q:How many gorillas does it take to change a light bulb?
A:Just one, but it takes a lot of light bulbs.

Q:How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.

Two bananas are lying on a river bank when a turd comes floating by. The turd looks over and says, "Hey! Come on in! The water's fine!" One banana turns to the other banana and says, "Do you believe that shit?"

spoon_of_grimbo · « **Reply #477 on:** 22 May 2009, 15:18 »

what's small, red & white, and screams a lot?

a skinned baby in a bag of salt.

spoon_of_grimbo · « **Reply #478 on:** 23 May 2009, 12:21 »

meh, if i can get away with professing a thorough dislike of the dodgy indie-pop that every other user here loves to constantly dry-hump, i can get away with a dead baby joke

i didn't really think it was that funny, but a room full of people cracked up ridiculously when i said it the other day, so i figured, wtf, why not?

Patrick · « **Reply #479 on:** 23 May 2009, 13:34 »

Quote from: Vern LaVey on 23 May 2009, 11:21

Careful sir. They don't take kindly to Dead Baby jokes here

They might like you better than me though, so its possible you'll be okay.

...I think it was the implication that you were having sex with it that pushed it over the line. MIGHT BE WRONG.

Quote from: spoon_of_grimbo on 22 May 2009, 15:18

what's small, red & white, and screams a lot?

a skinned baby in a bag of salt.

I'd have just said Jack White.

supersheep · « **Reply #480 on:** 23 May 2009, 18:49 »

Dead baby jokes, like a lot of other jokes, are a matter of context. You wouldn't tell your granny the joke about the twelve inch pianist, would you? In the same way, you've got to know your audience to tell dead baby jokes. In the right context, they can lead to makeouts. Normally, they will lead to people going "UGH" and running away from the creepy man.

Johnny C · « **Reply #481 on:** 23 May 2009, 19:36 »

oh thank god we bumped this thread to discuss the finer points of dead baby jokes

spoon_of_grimbo · « **Reply #482 on:** 23 May 2009, 19:50 »

whats the difference between a truckload of dead babies and a truckload of marbles?

you can't unload a truckload of marbles with a pitchfork!

Jace · « **Reply #483 on:** 24 May 2009, 05:34 »

Quote from: spoon_of_grimbo on 23 May 2009, 19:50

whats the difference between a truckload of dead babies and a truckload of marbles?

you can't unload a truckload of marbles with a pitchfork!

You are a guy who just keeps going aren't you? Doesn't quite know when to stop, even when people point out that you are going too far, you gotta go one step farther. You sir, you are of a purer breed.

Just, stop it, okay. Stop. All of you, fingers on lips. Stop.

spoon_of_grimbo · « **Reply #484 on:** 24 May 2009, 06:51 »

i just love it when people on forums have one thing that they get really pissed-off and high-and-mighty about, even when it's no dumber than any number of things that have whole threads devoted to them...

lucky for you the only other dead baby jokes i know are the obvious ones that EVERYONE's heard.

Zingoleb · « **Reply #485 on:** 24 May 2009, 09:16 »

I laughed at the dead baby jokes. I know a pedophile joke I want to tell so hard right now.

spoon_of_grimbo · « **Reply #486 on:** 24 May 2009, 09:29 »

do it!

Zingoleb · « **Reply #487 on:** 24 May 2009, 09:31 »

Only because someone asked.

This guy kidnaps this kid, and he's taking the kid through the woods in the middle of the night when it starts thunderstorming. The kid starts crying at the thunder and lightning, and the guy goes, "What are you crying about, I'm the one who has to walk home alone."

BAD JOKE.

Cernunnos · « **Reply #488 on:** 24 May 2009, 10:11 »

Tommy needs to post the one steve albini joke about the welding mask

Zingoleb · « **Reply #489 on:** 24 May 2009, 11:27 »

That, Vern, was not in good taste, amusing, witty, or funny in any way, shape or form.

spoon_of_grimbo · « **Reply #490 on:** 24 May 2009, 11:53 »

don't cry then!

yeah, i laughed.

E. Spaceman · « **Reply #491 on:** 24 May 2009, 12:17 »

Quote from: Zingoleb on 24 May 2009, 11:27

That, Vern, was not in good taste, amusing, witty, or funny in any way, shape or form.

Would you say then, that it was a really bad joke?

Patrick · « **Reply #492 on:** 25 May 2009, 14:20 »

Man you and I both know that if jokes of a similar caliber are posted in force here, the thread will just get locked.

Or maybe that is your intent.

Vern LaVey · « **Reply #493 on:** 26 May 2009, 08:33 »

My intent was to make people that liked the jokes laugh. The people that HATE those kinds of jokes, I assumed, would realize we're just trying to bring more laughter into our lives and that we meant no harm. (I personally don't have sex with babies, I mean)

About the thread getting locked, I'm sorry if it happens, more sorry if I caused it to happen, but really are these jokes any more offensive than most of what I've heard from the (terribly funny) Yelling Bird?

Thomas Edison · « **Reply #494 on:** 26 May 2009, 08:36 »

Surely this is a prime example of questionable content?

Barmymoo · « **Reply #495 on:** 26 May 2009, 08:57 »

This thread just keeps getting better and better.

A Buddhist walks into a pizza store and asks "Can you make me one with everything?"

Zingoleb · « **Reply #496 on:** 26 May 2009, 08:59 »

Did you hear about the schizophrenic Buddhist?

He was at two with the universe.

onewheelwizzard · « **Reply #497 on:** 26 May 2009, 09:33 »

Almost as bad as the one about the dyslexic guy who walked into a bra.

In fact, I think he was the same one who tried to sell his soul to Santa once.

McTaggart · « **Reply #498 on:** 26 May 2009, 09:44 »

Quote from: Barmymoo on 26 May 2009, 08:57

A Buddhist walks into a pizza store and asks "Can you make me one with everything?"

Amazing!

Zingoleb · « **Reply #499 on:** 26 May 2009, 10:05 »

I've heard that before because I mentioned that you hear Muslim jokes, Jewish jokes, Christian jokes, atheist jokes, Catholic jokes, but never Buddhist jokes, and someone started posting a bunch of them.

This was on a different forum.

Why didn't the Buddhist check his email?

He didn't want any attachments.

THESE FORUMS NOW CLOSED (read only)

Author Topic: THE REALLY BAD JOKES THREAD (Read 117048 times)

Zingoleb

Zingoleb

Zingoleb

Zingoleb

Zingoleb

Zingoleb

Zingoleb

Zingoleb

Zingoleb

Zingoleb