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Author Topic: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.  (Read 13650 times)

supersheep

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Re: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.
« Reply #50 on: 21 Feb 2008, 05:33 »

MY GOD

MY GOD

DAN I LOVE YOU
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calenlass

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Re: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.
« Reply #51 on: 21 Feb 2008, 05:46 »

bitch hands off
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Re: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.
« Reply #52 on: 21 Feb 2008, 09:19 »

Wow ... I read that even though I'd heard that joke before.  I've never heard it told that well though.  Well played Dan!
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KharBevNor

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Re: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.
« Reply #53 on: 21 Feb 2008, 09:54 »

There's a young guy just sitting around at his computer, not doing much, and his grand-dad walks in

"Jesus, boy" the grand-dad exclaims "What are you doing with yourself? When I was your age I went to the Moulin Rouge in Paris, I drank all night, groped the dancing girls, spat on the bouncers and walked out without paying"

"Wow gramps" the young guy exclaims, "that sounds amazing!"

A week passes before the old man sees his grandson again. However, this time, the young man is covered in bruises, his arm in a sling, his nose worn at a rakish angle.

"Holy hell boy!" says the old man "What happened to you?"

"I did what you did grand-dad. I went to the Moulin Rouge in Paris, I drank all night, groped the dancing girls, spat on the bouncers and then walked out without paying"

"And then?"

"And then the bouncers dragged me into the alley out back and beat me till I pissed blood"

"My goodness! Who did you go with?"

"Oh, just some friends. Why, who did you go with grand-dad?"

"The SS."
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[22:26] Dovey: and at least one of those was a blatant ploy at getting sigquoted

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ledhendrix

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Re: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.
« Reply #54 on: 21 Feb 2008, 10:56 »

Snake story = amazing.
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pen

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Re: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.
« Reply #55 on: 21 Feb 2008, 11:31 »

I enjoyed Dan's snake story.  It was an interesting read, but I was hoping for something that would make me laugh a little harder.  It was so anticlimactic that I had to read the end again and again to make sure I didn't miss anything.
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muteKi

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Re: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.
« Reply #56 on: 21 Feb 2008, 11:36 »

It's like, "There was a boy who ate fire. He died." because it's based on the same expectations and results. We look for an epic and thoughtful and insightful story and we get a lame joke at the end. ONLY BETTER, because the content is really good.



Well played, good sir.



Seriously, I would buy a book of such stories, though of course I would have to have them gifted to me. If I was buying them for myself, I would know what I was getting into.
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KharBevNor

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Re: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.
« Reply #57 on: 21 Feb 2008, 11:38 »

What's blue and red and sits in a corner?




An abused child. Thousands of children are suffering in silence right now. Every year, the NSPCC rescues hundreds of such children and sees them into loving foster homes - but we need your help. Just two pounds a month could change a life for the better.

Cruelty to children must stop. Full stop.

http://www.nspcc.org.uk/



How many Jews can you fit in a two-seater sports car?



Two.
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[22:25] Dovey: i don't get sigquoted much
[22:26] Dovey: like, maybe, 4 or 5 times that i know of?
[22:26] Dovey: and at least one of those was a blatant ploy at getting sigquoted

http://panzerdivisio

öde

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Re: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.
« Reply #58 on: 21 Feb 2008, 11:41 »

Khar's SS joke is one of my favourites.
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Re: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.
« Reply #59 on: 21 Feb 2008, 13:11 »

That was really just a good story, and really just shows how talented the writer who's setting it up is. Not really all that funny, just genius.
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BobJoeJim

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Re: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.
« Reply #60 on: 21 Feb 2008, 13:57 »

Yeah, Dan, that was fantastic.  I was pretty sure from the beginning that it was a pink-eque joke with a cheap punchline, so I wasn't expecting much from the end and just enjoyed the story in its own right.  That was a really good short story, though.  I would seriously love to read some more things you've written (unless you plagiarized it, in which cases please point me toward your source.)
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Re: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.
« Reply #61 on: 21 Feb 2008, 14:01 »

i read the snake story/joke before.  the only difference was that at the end it had vin diesle(sp?) come out of no where and yel out the punch line.  it was funnier but not as good.
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clockworkjames

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Re: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.
« Reply #62 on: 21 Feb 2008, 14:42 »

Awww man, I was totally waiting for a Bel-Air.

Total copypasta material man, goes in the deelishus copypasta folder E:\b\copypasta along with some other awesome stuff.
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öde

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Re: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.
« Reply #63 on: 21 Feb 2008, 15:59 »

I would seriously love to read some more things you've written (unless you plagiarized it, in which cases please point me toward your source.)

I found it on assetbar (achewood comment system), and I enjoyed it mainly because of the elaborate set-up. I should definitely practice writing though, so I may do something like it in the future. I've got a lot of work to do though, so maybe you could remind me in 4 months?
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Re: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.
« Reply #64 on: 21 Feb 2008, 16:01 »

A priest, a rabbi, and a humpback whale walk into a bar. The priest tells the bar tender "I'll have a beer, thank you." The rabbi tells the bar tender "I"ll have beer too, thank you." The humpback whale says "HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUR!" Because, you know, a humpback whale doesn't speak English.
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Doug S. Machina

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Re: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.
« Reply #65 on: 21 Feb 2008, 16:04 »

That's stoopid but I laughed. Good one.

Still haven't read the epics.
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BrittanyMarie

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Re: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.
« Reply #66 on: 24 Feb 2008, 00:21 »

Bump! This is a 100% true story

So I saw Big John Bates and the Voodoo Dollz tonight, and the fella behind me and myself were rocking out TOO HARD!
He says: Oh man, like Sine and Cosine*, they cancel each other out
I reply: Soh cah toa it goes

*I don't remember exactly what he said, so feel free to put in whatever math thing is actually correct
« Last Edit: 24 Feb 2008, 08:48 by BrittanyMarie »
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Johnny C

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Re: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.
« Reply #67 on: 24 Feb 2008, 08:07 »

100% true story as well, from math in the tenth or eleventh grade.

Friend: "I hate triangles. I always knew they were out to get me."
Me: "Of course. All the sines were there!"
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jhocking

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Re: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.
« Reply #68 on: 24 Feb 2008, 08:12 »

 :x

Liz

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jhocking

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Re: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.
« Reply #70 on: 24 Feb 2008, 08:17 »

I'm sorry, I'm not willing to let this one be mis-quoted.

:x

If there was an emoticon for beating you up, I'd be using it. We have that on some other forums.
« Last Edit: 24 Feb 2008, 08:19 by jhocking »
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Liz

Re: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.
« Reply #71 on: 24 Feb 2008, 08:21 »

You secretly liked the joke, admit it.

I thought it was funny.
« Last Edit: 24 Feb 2008, 08:23 by Misconception »
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öde

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Re: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.
« Reply #72 on: 24 Feb 2008, 15:29 »

Puns are never funny. Puns can be dangerous. If you find a pun, please call a professional to remove it.
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muteKi

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Re: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.
« Reply #73 on: 24 Feb 2008, 16:02 »

Yeah, otherwise you'd get PUNched, as jhocking was apparently suggesting.
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Re: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.
« Reply #74 on: 24 Feb 2008, 16:11 »

Dispatch this is öde, we have a situation in The QC Joke Tellers Thread, over.
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Cernunnos

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Re: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.
« Reply #75 on: 24 Feb 2008, 16:20 »

It's all in good pun t'ill someone loses an eye.
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Re: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.
« Reply #76 on: 24 Feb 2008, 16:40 »

Need backup!
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ulfnir

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Re: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.
« Reply #77 on: 24 Feb 2008, 16:53 »

What's got two legs and bleeds?



Half a dog.
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Re: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.
« Reply #78 on: 24 Feb 2008, 21:43 »

teacher: hey, did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
me: yeah, I hear it is great, though the atmosphere sucks
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Johnny C

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Re: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.
« Reply #79 on: 24 Feb 2008, 23:41 »

NO SHITTY PUNS
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Neskah

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Re: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.
« Reply #80 on: 25 Feb 2008, 00:02 »

I'm terrible at build ups, so here's the simple version.

Ghandi. A spiritual man. A man who didn't wear shoes. He had rough feet. Didn't eat much. A very skinny man and an empty stomach can lead to bad breath.

In short he was a Super Callused Fragile Mystic Hexed with Halitosis
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BobJoeJim

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Re: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.
« Reply #81 on: 25 Feb 2008, 03:35 »

Jesus, Moses, and another guy are out golfing.  The fourteenth hole is a tricky par 3 over the water.  Jesus tees off first, and his shot goes straight into the drink.  With a sigh he walks out on the water, finds where his ball is floating, and chips it onto the green in two.  Moses tees off next.  Plop, into the water.  With a sigh, he parts the water, finds his ball lying on the dry ground, and chips it onto the green in two.  The other guy tees off, and sure enough, it too lands in the water.  He walks up to the edge of the water and peers down, when suddenly an eagle swoops out of the sky, catches a fish from the pond, and starts to fly off.  As the eagle flies away, a pair of crows rush it, trying to defend their nest.  Startled, the eagle drops the fish on the edge of the green.  A fox comes running out of the nearby woods, picks up the fish, and starts running straight across the green.  Just as the fox is passing the hole, the fish spits out the guy's ball and it rolls straight into the cup for a hole in one!

Moses turns to Jesus and says "Listen, this is the LAST time we play golf with your dad."
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Jimmy the Squid

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Re: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.
« Reply #82 on: 25 Feb 2008, 04:52 »

Golf balls don't float.

Also hitting a ball into the water is a penalty, you don't get another hit from the water. Jesus and Moses were fucking cheating.
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jhocking

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Re: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.
« Reply #83 on: 25 Feb 2008, 08:23 »

NO SHITTY PUNS
Oh you should talk, Mr. "The Sines Were There."

BrittanyMarie

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Re: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.
« Reply #84 on: 25 Feb 2008, 08:28 »

Joe, sometimes in a man's life it's okay to make a pun. This is one of those times, because it was a nerdy math pun! (I'm just trying to defend mine as well)
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thebrosef

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Re: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.
« Reply #85 on: 25 Feb 2008, 11:17 »

Is Mitch Hedberg a worthy contribution to this thread?

"I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others."

"I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first, to see if she would read that too."

"They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home there's more to it than that. Hey you want some more home made Sprite? Not until you figure out what the fuck else is in it!"

"I like refried beans. That's why I want to try fried beans because maybe they're just as good and we're wastin' time."
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sean

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Re: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.
« Reply #86 on: 25 Feb 2008, 15:25 »

Dude that's cheating.

A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says "What is this, some kind of joke?"

A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would notice.

That's how you do it silly.
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thebrosef

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Re: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.
« Reply #87 on: 25 Feb 2008, 16:24 »

Oh, so more like:

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

Smells like carrots!

...

?
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Blue Kitty

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Re: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.
« Reply #88 on: 25 Feb 2008, 20:27 »

what did the quadratic equation yell when it was simplified?

drats, FOILed again
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Lila

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Re: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.
« Reply #89 on: 27 Feb 2008, 16:19 »

A proton walks into a bar.
He has a drink.
When he asks the bartender how much it costs, the bartender says, "Nothing"
Proton: "Really"
Bartender: "For you, I'm positive!"


We can thank my physics teacher for that little gem. There were other ones too, but I don't remember them...
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Thy Dungeonman

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Re: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.
« Reply #90 on: 27 Feb 2008, 16:27 »

One of them may have been:

A hydrogen atom walks up to a police officer and exclaims "an electron was stolen from me!"

The officer says "are you sure?"

"I'm positive!"

People that actually know physics feel free to correct me because I know I got something wrong.
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Re: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.
« Reply #91 on: 27 Feb 2008, 22:49 »

Johnny was a chemist.
A chemist he is no more,
For what he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4.
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Re: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.
« Reply #92 on: 28 Feb 2008, 13:58 »

what did the quadratic equation yell when it was simplified?

drats, FOILed again

 I made that joke in tenth grade once.
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ulfnir

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Re: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.
« Reply #93 on: 28 Feb 2008, 17:17 »

Why did princess Diana cross the road?

She wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
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Re: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.
« Reply #94 on: 28 Feb 2008, 17:34 »

What did the fish say when it swam into the wall?

...Dam.
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Re: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.
« Reply #95 on: 28 Feb 2008, 17:55 »

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Because a redneck with a shotgun was chasing it.

Q: What did the kidney stone say to the bladder?
A: Just passing through.
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tania

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Re: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.
« Reply #96 on: 01 Mar 2008, 16:58 »

courtesy of my personality theory professor.

what's E.T. short for?
because he's got little legs.
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Johnny C

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Re: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.
« Reply #97 on: 02 Mar 2008, 09:00 »

Oh you should talk, Mr. "The Sines Were There."

Not a shitty pun, totally awesome.
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Re: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.
« Reply #98 on: 02 Mar 2008, 09:12 »

What do you a call a cow with two legs.

Lean Beef.

A Cow with zero legs?

Ground beef.

How about a cow with zero legs, during an earthquake?.

Milk shake.

Finally, what do you call a cow, with zero legs, stuck in an earth quake, whose stuck in barbed wire?.


An udder disaster.
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Re: The QC Joke Tellers Thread.
« Reply #99 on: 02 Mar 2008, 12:50 »

Duck walks in to a convenience store, asks the cashier, "you got any grapes?" Cashier says, "no." Duck walks out.

Five minutes later, the duck walks in to the convenience store, asks the cashier, "you got any grapes?" Cashier says, "NO!!!" Duck walks out.

Five minutes later, the duck walks back in to the convenience store, asks the cashier, "you got any grapes?" Cashier says, "NO, and if you come back in here asking for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet TO THE FLOOR!!!" Duck walks out.

Five minutes later, the duck walks in to the convenience store, asks the cashier, "you got any nails?" Cashier screams, "NO!!!" Duck says, "you got any grapes?"
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