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[Professor Snuggles]

Dammit Jon, what am I going to do about my problems?

[Krina]

Like, an agoraphobe who gives really good oral. I'd date that girl.

That girl is basically me. Are you single?


Guido, you're probably right. I just find it pretty tempting to be inappropriate at times. As I am a girl, bi, Jewish, blonde, tall and have mental issues, I think I'm allowed to make jokes about all of these.
Will you pleeaase let me use your term? Pretty please?

[0bsessions]

Dammit Jon, what am I going to do about my problems?

Ignore them and visit the nearest mental health clinic.

[MrBlu]

Like, an agoraphobe who gives really good oral. I'd date that girl.

That girl is basically me. Are you single?


Guido, you're probably right. I just find it pretty tempting to be inappropriate at times. As I am a girl, bi, Jewish, blonde, tall and have mental issues, I think I'm allowed to make jokes about all of these.
Will you pleeaase let me use your term? Pretty please?

Yeah, for some reason, that definitely sounds like something I could get behind. Literally and metaphorically.

[Masterbainter]

Okay I'm going to be blunt here.  I'll take your opinions on my situation, althought I already know what i'll probably end up doing.

Edit:  I need to rephrase this...

Girlfriend and I mostly happy with eachother.  Girlfriend will bring up problems randomly and I'll just tell her to deal with them and she really doesn't give me any pushback on it.  I feel like an ass for doing this, and think she doesn't deserve that.  However, I'm not in the point in my life where I feel I need someone else's problems on my mind.  I'm sure eventually the relationship will fail out and whatever, but i'm tryign to decide if I should just let her go before stuff gets to serious.

[tweetles]

Well it depends, do you still actually want to be with her?
If yes, and the issue is that you cant handle anyones elses shit but your own, then be honest about that and let her decide if shes cool with that.
And if you dont want to be with her, then well don't.

[ViolentDove]

Oh yeah I meant to post in here.

What are peoples' opinions of the socially acceptable time period after breaking up with someone to start making golf-related innuendo with the opposite sex?

(The relationship was a pretty serious three and a half year one, in case there's some kind of sliding scale)

[pen]

I think it also depends on how long the relationship was dead before it ended.

[ViolentDove]

About a half-year. But no-one really knew about it except for me and her, for reasons I can't really go into.

(I'd put in a sad face right here if I was inclined to use smilies)

[Gilead]

Oh yeah I meant to post in here.

What are peoples' opinions of the socially acceptable time period after breaking up with someone to start making golf-related innuendo with the opposite sex?

(The relationship was a pretty serious three and a half year one, in case there's some kind of sliding scale)

37 minutes.

[0bsessions]

Oh yeah I meant to post in here.

What are peoples' opinions of the socially acceptable time period after breaking up with someone to start making golf-related innuendo with the opposite sex?

(The relationship was a pretty serious three and a half year one, in case there's some kind of sliding scale)

There's no clear indicator. It's basically just whenever you feel comfortable doing as such. Certain variables to assuage one's conscience can be factored in, such as who initiated the breakup and how long the writing was on the wall (As Rachel mentioned), plus how much or little either of you cares about the other at this point. If it was dead in the water for six months as you mention, you were pretty much good to go about ten minutes after the official breakup, in terms of moral standing. As it stands, you should basically just starting talking to women whenever it is you feel like talking to women. Don't rush it, but don't put it off out of some misplaced fairness to your ex. She's your ex for a reason, no point in letting that hold you back from getting on with your life.

[Barmymoo]

If you are honest with yourself and you know that you are rebounding and therefore probably being unfair to the new person it might be best to hold off. I messed up what was actually a fantastic relationship because I rushed into it for all the wrong reasons and I still regret that. On the other hand sometimes you just meet someone and it works and the fact that you only just came out of another relationship doesn't make any difference, it just works. So have a proper think and know that you are going into things for the right reasons (or at least being honest with yourself and the other person about what your reasons are).

[MrBlu]

Okay I'm going to be blunt here.  I'll take your opinions on my situation, althought I already know what i'll probably end up doing.

Edit:  I need to rephrase this...

Girlfriend and I mostly happy with eachother.  Girlfriend will bring up problems randomly and I'll just tell her to deal with them and she really doesn't give me any pushback on it.  I feel like an ass for doing this, and think she doesn't deserve that.  However, I'm not in the point in my life where I feel I need someone else's problems on my mind.  I'm sure eventually the relationship will fail out and whatever, but i'm tryign to decide if I should just let her go before stuff gets to serious.

... If your girlfriend can't go to you for comfort/help, you're not serving much purpose and you're only making that relationship toxic.

[Emaline]

So here is my problem:

I am hugely in crush with my best friend. And when I am high, we totally flirt. He lives forevers away right now, and comes home every now and then and we totally party it up. We've never been around each other while high, and mainly communicate via ims, which is where the flirting comes in. He is the only person I've ever felt even 99% comfortable around. He is awesome and great and I love him.

My other friend, who is also awesome and great and who I go to for advice on everything says that my life is too complicated and crappy right now to make it anymore difficult. And that I shouldn't even attempt to do anything with him.

What should I do, Internet?? What should I doooo???

[Guido Sarducci]

Violent Dove:When you want to, it is appropriate. It might not be good for you but it's your life. Enjoy it.


Emaline: You're 20. Bang the drum. You'll have time to be old when you get there.

Ya'll, life is to damned short to be worrying about shit like this at your age. As far as I know, until you hit about 25 there are two simple rules:

1) use protection- A condom is best, but the pill will at least keep you from getting knocked up. AIDS doesn't quit just because you don't want to think about it.
2) don't lie about what you want.

everything else is pretty much fine as long as you aren't genuinely mentally ill. And even then the odds are that a relationship will force you out of your confort zone and help you in the long run.

[pen]

So after you hit 25, you should stop being safe and start lying about what you want.  Got it. 

[Jace]

J0n! Be careful, unless you are older than 25. Then it's okay.

[0bsessions]

Honestly, Emaline, I have to agree with your friends. Your posts indicate to me that your life is often melodramatic enough, making a pass at your best friend is going to make that a lot worse.

Jace, I'll be twenty-five in about two and a half weeks, so my life is effectively over.

[benji]

So after you hit 25, you should stop being safe and start lying about what you want.  Got it. 

Man, I'm a year and half behind on unsafe sex and personal dishonesty. I better get moving.

[pulpfiction21]

1) use protection- A condom is best, but the pill will at least keep you from getting knocked up.

Just wanted to correct this statement. The pill is about 99.7% effective, if used perfectly. But the typical usage of it leads to an 8% failure rate. Nothing will keep you from getting knocked up except not banging.

[Emaline]

Honestly, Emaline, I have to agree with your friends. Your posts indicate to me that your life is often melodramatic enough, making a pass at your best friend is going to make that a lot worse.

See, one side of me is saying "he already knows about how crap your life is. He's often the first to hear about it. And your life is going to be forever crap, so you might as well have someone to play with and snuggle up to. Plus, with him being gone most of the time, it'll give you a better chance of keeping in line and not arguing with him for no reason."

But the other half of me is saying "jesus, Emaline, how can you be so dumb? He is your best friend. Anything more and you'll ruin everything. Wouldn't you rather have someone to talk to than someone to make out with? Stop thinking with your pants. You know how you are in relationships, and you'll just argue with him all the time. And why would you want to get anyone involved in your life?   If you care about him so much, you won't get him involved in your crap."

So I am torn.  Don't want a boyfriend, but I'd like someone to snuggle and play with, and I'd prefer that we had some sort of an emotional bond. And I know that's what he wants too(because we've talked about this). And I think it'd be great with the distance. But then I don't know. I don't want to screw him over emotionally, you know? He's my best friend, and I don't want anyone to hurt him. Especially me.

[benji]

In my experience, distance doesn't reduce the number of arguments. If anything, arguments come easier.

[MrBlu]

personally, I hate the prospect of getting close to a best friend. Because if something happens, God forbid, you haven't just lost your boyfriend, you've also lost your best friend. Which sucks.

And this is me who can't even speak to the girl who he liked more than anything.

[Scandanavian War Machine]

life is to damned short to be worrying about shit like this at your age.

i never understood this sentiment. life is the single longest thing any of us will ever do.

[Lise]

So guys, I have come back from my posting hiatus to offer you my problems! Hah hah

I also have self esteem issues because I will never be as sexy as this man: http://img502.imageshack.us/img502/6960/niccagebirdhair.jpg

Kidding! All jokes aside, I've been in this "relation-dateship thing" for over a year now, and I'm quite frustrated because we haven't progressed any farther than the dating stage. The guy I'm seeing is the closed off type, and since I want to respect his space and not pressure him into anything, I find it real difficult to approach him about any "issues." Issues such as the fact that I've caught him speaking to his ex, and he's openly lied about it, or whether or not we're a legitimate "couple" or just people who hook up regularly.

Hence all my insecurity and pointless jealousy and feeling like a crazyperson because I can't deal properly. Whee for internalizing negative thoughts!

I am pretty smitten with the guy, which is why it's so damn difficult to move on. I'm trying to learn from past relationships-gone-sour and be more rational about everything. I have to take into account that this guy's kidneys have failed, his dad died, and his ex dumped him right around the same time a couple of years ago. It's logical to assume that he'd have trouble opening up, right?

So guys, should I should drop him and move on or wait for him to come around? I am fail at relationships, either way

[0bsessions]

Dump him.

I can see where you're coming from, but this one seems like a clear cut situation. Your own mental health demands you let this one go.

[pwhodges]

i never understood this sentiment. life is the single longest thing any of us will ever do.

One day you will understand this.  One day.  Trust me.

[0bsessions]

For the record, that one day will be about six months into the age twenty-three.

[ruyi]

So after you hit 25, you should stop being safe and start lying about what you want.  Got it. 

Man, I'm a year and half behind on unsafe sex and personal dishonesty. I better get moving.

Not sure if you guys were joking, but I got the impression that he meant that you have only those two rules to follow until ~25, after which you'll have to start worrying about other stuff too.

[Emaline]

Lise, I kinda had the same problem last yeah, but my dude never lied to me. That being said, if he is lying you should dump him. If you can't trust him, you can't date him.


But since I was also quite smitten with my fellow, I know that dumping him is probably secretly out of the question, my advice is as follows: Let him know that you'd like to be more than just a hook up partner. Don't make it sound needy or desperate. Just let him know how you feel. If his reaction is less than warm, back off. He doesn't sound like he is really ready for a relationship, and is maybe just (I don't really want to use this words, but..) using you for hook ups. We're all humans, and we all lust after people. Sometimes you just need a nice person you can trust to make out with. I mean, if you are fine doing what you're doing, then don't stop....


...but in all honesty, dude sounds like an asshole. He lied to you. He talks to his ex. He uses you for hook ups. DTMFA already.

[axerton]

He talks to his ex.

this by it self should not be a criteria for "dude is an arsehole" yes the fact that he then lied about talking to her is certainly one giant step towards the title. but as far as I can tell being able to maintain a healty relationship with someone from your past should not be a punishable offense

[Hat]

i never understood this sentiment. life is the single longest thing any of us will ever do.

One day you will understand this.  One day.  Trust me.

This made me really sad for some reason.

On a related note, fuck women, fuck men, I'm swearing off relationships and I would rather be permanently lonely rather than make the world a worse place because I am completely incapable of forming any kind of emotional bond with another human being and every time I try I just make everyone's lives miserable.

Rampant bonings are still one the cards but there will be no pillow talk.

[Emaline]

He talks to his ex.

this by it self should not be a criteria for "dude is an arsehole" yes the fact that he then lied about talking to her is certainly one giant step towards the title. but as far as I can tell being able to maintain a healty relationship with someone from your past should not be a punishable offense

What I am saying is that, dude is a known liar, and is emotionally unavailable, and talks to his ex. Things just don't seem on the up and up.

[BrittanyMarie]

Yeah, Lise, I was also in that position about a month ago only it was a year and a half and I told him I loved him (had been a few months a year or two before as well but I forgave him). If you can't talk about the "are we legit" talk, then it means you're not and if you feel uncomfortable talking to him about that then it's another sign that it probably shouldn't be.

My problem now is that I am basically like not attracted to anyone. Anytime any possibilities for sexyfuntimes comes up I'm just all "meh" and "nope. leave me alone" even if I would normally find the person attractive and also think they're awesome. I don't even like hanging out with single dudes who are my friends (except my bff Clay and we are more family so I don't have to worry about that) for fear they will suddenly start twitterpating or something. That just makes me sound conceited but three times within the past month I have had single guy friends try to get into my pants. Is it just because it is spring and I'm wired differently? I don't do anything and still get stray hands and "i want to fuck you" texts. I'm considering dressing butch and being mean to stop this. I'm not even that attractive; I just don't know what is going on.

[Alex C]

It's logical to assume that he'd have trouble opening up, right?

Whether it's logical or not has little bearing on the fact that you desperately need to him to at this point because the whole situation has made you somewhat justifiably insecure. Quite simply, the communication isn't there and you need to find out if it can be there or else I don't see your situation getting better any time soon short of a dumping.

[Eris]

He talks to his ex.

this by it self should not be a criteria for "dude is an arsehole" yes the fact that he then lied about talking to her is certainly one giant step towards the title. but as far as I can tell being able to maintain a healty relationship with someone from your past should not be a punishable offense

I have had this conversation with my mother on more than one occasion. She seems to think that once you break up with someone you should cut them out of your life completely; I seem to be of the opinion that you knew the person and were close to them, you would at least try and be friends after breaking up. Not being able to be a couple doesn't mean you can't be friends. Am I odd in thinking this? I mean, sure if the relationship ended on bad terms I can see people never wanting to talk to the other person again, but if it's just "You know what, I don't think this is working", then why shouldn't you stay in contact?

Also, I know this may not really apply to the above situation, because I don't know how they broke up and there are other issues, but the "talking to an ex=arsehole/etc" standpoint always seemed a bit strange to me

[Lines]

It's one thing to talk to an ex while it's a whole other thing to talk to an ex and then lie about it. The former usually means you've both moved on and are able to be friends. The latter implies you feel guilty about it probably because one of both parties aren't over the other. Having the latter be a problem in the relationship is not fun, because it was one of several problems with my last relationship. (Except it was multiple exes and not just one.)

[pulpfiction21]

talking to an ex can cause serious problems in a relationship. I look at as this: If your current Bf or Gf has a problem with you doing this, and has made it clear to you that they do not like that you talk to your ex, then you should ask yourself what is more important, talking to an ex or maintaining the happiness of your current BF/GF. If your current relationship is a serious one, you should have no problem in making that decision.

Unless your ex is from years and years ago and you are now best friends with that person. That brings about a whole different scenario. 

[Emaline]

Since it seems nobody really read my post, I'll repeat myself.


Talking to an ex, in and of itself, is not a bad thing.

But lying about talking to an ex is bad. Hell, if a guy lied to me in general, and was also talking to an ex, I'd be a little concerned.

But I do not put up with liars at all. If someone lies to you, how can you trust them?

[Professor Snuggles]

Honestly if your significant other is so jealous that just having a conversation with an ex makes them all stressed then you should probably break up with them anyway.

[nobo]

But I do not put up with liars at all. If someone lies to you, how can you trust them?

Could be a small lie not to hurt your feelings, aka "yeah, what you made tasted great!", "Your speech in front of class was good", etc. I think that's ok.

[Alex C]

The ex situation just hits me as something that's exacerbating the bigger issue; ie, She doesn't know where she stands with this guy and she's too worried about "pressuring" him to find out. Gotta throw that sentiment out the window, because at this point it doesn't sound like it's preventing problems so much as causing them.

[Lise]

Thanks for all the replies guys, I have a better idea of what I should do/what's been going on, I think. And Em, I read your posts, and they're good advice  . I mean, regardless of whether or not it's a "white lie" to tell the person you're dating you're not communicating with the ex when you actually are, it's still a lie. I don't need things to be sugarcoated because obviously that won't help at this point (especially if I'm contemplating a break up..)

I'm not against the idea of being friends with an ex, but I don't think it's healthy/possible if you broke up on bad terms (someone please prove me wrong!). Mutual friends have told me that the guy I'm seeing took a big risk with this girl emotionally, and she quoteunquote "did him dirty." Apparently he described the breakup as having his "heart torn asunder." Coming from a guy who rarely shows vulnerability, that statement sounds like a big deal. I honestly don't think he's over her, and if he's still keeping her old texts, messages, and lying about present conversations, that only solidifies my opinion of that. (Please note I haven't been snooping, guys, he unwittingly shows me). Even if you can't forgive someone for hurting you like that, I can still see why any form of flattery from them might give you satisfaction. So as a girl who genuinely cares for him, I feel inadequate because I can't provide that... yeah, weird feeling.

So yesterday (after lots of awkward silence), I brought everything up to him (Alex, I finally manned up!!!!!!). He stated that he doesn't know where we're going, but he also told me that his ex isn't one of the factors. I want to believe him, but then again, I'm doubting it. I suppose since we're going in different directions this year (I'll be transferring to another college soon, and he'll be moving elsewhere), I shouldn't drag this out. Normal couples can deal with distance, but haha, since we're anything but normal..

I guess it's breakup time, but I don't want to deal with that, heh. I've gotten used to the status quo, having great mutual friends (I seem to lose them after breakups), and having the "good days" when we are like a couple. Being single again probably means lots of depression until I get over this guy, and breakups never get any easier over time.

[Lise]

Just cause that was all serious business and crap in my post, let's have a load of dongs!!!!! 8===D 8===D 8=====D AND GREEN MAN!!



PS: Alex is right, there's much more than just the "ex deal", but that was just the last straw, adding fuel to the fire, the icing on the cake (but without icing and without cake... heh heh).

[BrittanyMarie]

Green Man is the best! It's Always Sunny... is the best! You are the best!

[Lise]

Dayman... AhHHHHHhhhh, fighter of the night man.... AHhhh, champion of the sun~

I think I love you already, Brittany!

Haha, sorry for the off topic, guys. I had to go there.

[KvP]

I'm not against the idea of being friends with an ex, but I don't think it's healthy/possible if you broke up on bad terms (someone please prove me wrong!). Mutual friends have told me that the guy I'm seeing took a big risk with this girl emotionally, and she quoteunquote "did him dirty." Apparently he described the breakup as having his "heart torn asunder." Coming from a guy who rarely shows vulnerability, that statement sounds like a big deal. I honestly don't think he's over her, and if he's still keeping her old texts, messages, and lying about present conversations, that only solidifies my opinion of that. (Please note I haven't been snooping, guys, he unwittingly shows me). Even if you can't forgive someone for hurting you like that, I can still see why any form of flattery from them might give you satisfaction. So as a girl who genuinely cares for him, I feel inadequate because I can't provide that... yeah, weird feeling.

You can be friends with somebody after a bad breakup but it takes the tincture of time and only time to really heal that sort of thing (from what I've witnessed it takes a good few months at least of no contact at all before exes can be on good terms after a bad split). Being friends with exes is perfectly fine and IMO is an indicator of a person's good... lovership? If your bf/gf is not on good terms with any of their exes, it could be because they've dated only assholes, but the common denominator in all those relationships is your bf/gf. Chances are they're the problem.

But you ought to get over your ex romantically after a certain point, and given that you say the breakup was few years(!) ago and he's not above-board with this problem he has I'd say yeah, this guy is not worth it. If I were in your situation I'd tell him straight up that he was using and manipulating me (which is exactly what he's doing to you) and I would still dump his ass even if he makes grand proclamations about rehabilitating himself. You really want a relationship and he's exploiting that to get his needs met without reciprocating, and that's cruel. With any luck it'll slap some sense into him and the next girl he finds he won't jerk around.

[Lunchbox]

Hey Relationship thread, Maybe you will have better advice than my sex-crazed boss!
I have been been seeing a guy for a couple of months and I really really like him but in a month he will be leaving for overseas and not returning for about 15 months. What should I do?
I am pretty bummed out but I know that this is a really awesome thing for him so I think I should just enjoy the last couple of weeks I have with him and leave it at that. This is healthier than clining to him and wheezing "I'LL WAAAIT FOR YOOOUU," right?

[Spluff]

It sounds like you have already figured out what to do.

[BrittanyMarie]

I guess I'd say what you are planning to do is the best.