Jeph Jacques's comics discussion forums

Fun Stuff => CHATTER => Topic started by: 0bsessions on 25 Feb 2009, 08:54

Title: Please, Just Let Me Die Already
Post by: 0bsessions on 25 Feb 2009, 08:54
Since I seem to be the only guy on this forum capable of maintaining a relationship at this point, it has become readily apparent that the lot of you are shitty at not breaking up with people. So, here I am to answer all of your questions concerning relationships. Finding them, keeping them and related questions are all fair game. Asking me why I'm not in a relationship with you specifically, while a fair question, is not one I will answer for the good of your collective self esteems. If I don't like your question, I will either ignore it or some such.

In the interest of having a different perspective, we will have the recently single Mai also answering some of your questions. Questions are to be addressed in general to us, as it is not our prerogative to make sure you have a say in who takes care of your problems.

Self indulgent threads are the new black. Begin.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: allison on 25 Feb 2009, 09:00
Why is he so clingy? Why is he rushing everything? Why do I feel like I'm slowly suffocating?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: phooey on 25 Feb 2009, 09:02
Since I seem to be the only very vocal guy on this forum capable of maintaining a relationship at this point with another high profile boarder

FYP

Oh, and I don't need any advice as I'm already too busy coming to terms with the fact that I am going to die alone to even consider a relationship.  But I'll eagerly watch this thread like the little voyeur I am for the wonderful gems of insight that it will undoubtedly produce.  
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: valley_parade on 25 Feb 2009, 09:02
Why do all the girls I have things for either have boyfriends or are just not interested?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 0bsessions on 25 Feb 2009, 09:03
Why is he so clingy? Why is he rushing everything? Why do I feel like I'm slowly suffocating?

How long have you been together? One's clinginess and rushing may be a matter of perspective. That said, in my experience, clinginess is the result of feelings of inadequacy or related issues. Have you discussed the problem with him?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 0bsessions on 25 Feb 2009, 09:04
Oh, and I don't need any advice as I'm already too busy coming to terms with the fact that I am going to die alone to even consider a relationship.

This is the result of either a terminal disease or full blown lack of confidence. See someone in either case.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 0bsessions on 25 Feb 2009, 09:06
Why do all the girls I have things for either have boyfriends or are just not interested?

Because you lack confidence. Seriously guys, stop developing a fucking theme for me. I am more than passingly familiar with your situations, Shane, and your biggest problems are a lack of confidence and initiative. Bluntly speaking: you wait too long. If you dig a girl, let her know. Don't wait a month and THEN let her know. If she says no, big whoop, try again with someone else.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 25 Feb 2009, 09:07
Dear Dating Thread,

I recently scored a ....get-togetherish-maybe-dateish-thing with an old crush. When I ran into him recently, I super blushed at him and old feelings are totally still kinda there. Should I make a move on this "date"? What should I wear, something low cut and slutty or something nice, and fancy, or something just totally laidback, that will probably make me look like a boy? Should I wear a skirt??


Please help me, dating thread.

With love,
Emaline
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 20 jazz funk greats on 25 Feb 2009, 09:10
Why is he so clingy? Why is he rushing everything? Why do I feel like I'm slowly suffocating?

this. sort of.

except i understand why he's clingy and somewhat paranoid (low self esteem, mostly. i have been trying to do things to improve his self-esteem but i don't feel like i've accomplished much), i just don't like it at all, and find it hard to deal with and i guess my question would be "is staying with someone like that worthwhile or is it just going to drive me completely crazy in the end and make me flip the fuck out?" he is a decent guy with some issues.  i don't really think breaking up with him over them would be fair and i am not expecting to find someone who is "perfectly normal" because i don't think that's realistic.  
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 0bsessions on 25 Feb 2009, 09:14
I recently scored a ....get-togetherish-maybe-dateish-thing with an old crush. When I ran into him recently, I super blushed at him and old feelings are totally still kinda there. Should I make a move on this "date"? What should I wear, something low cut and slutty or something nice, and fancy, or something just totally laidback, that will probably make me look like a boy? Should I wear a skirt??

If you want to make a move then you should probably make a move. In terms of what to wear, it depends upon your goals for the evening. Do you plan to do the guy? If so, low cut, not slutty and a skirt maybe. You want to potentially tease the guy a bit, but going overboard and making your intent too obvious can be a huge turnoff. I say something low cut and a skirt down past the knees. It looks relatively classy while still being slightly tempting and also dudes love skirts, for many obvious reasons.

except i understand why he's clingy and somewhat paranoid (low self esteem, mostly. i have been trying to do things to improve his self-esteem but i don't feel like i've accomplished much), i just don't like it at all, and find it hard to deal with and i guess my question would be "is staying with someone like that worthwhile or is it just going to drive me completely crazy in the end and make me flip the fuck out?" he is a decent guy with some issues.  i don't really think breaking up with him over them would be fair and i am not expecting to find someone who is "perfectly normal" because i don't think that's realistic.  

Breaking up with someone over insecurity is entirely fair. Roughing it out in hopes he'll improve is not fair to either of you. Guys do not grow a pair by being coddled. Tell him what you want and expect of him and if he doesn't live up to your standard, it'll be time to look elsewhere. It may not seem possible, but the only way a guy will grow a pair is by being forced to in a lot of situations. They will eventually adapt.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: allison on 25 Feb 2009, 09:14
Why is he so clingy? Why is he rushing everything? Why do I feel like I'm slowly suffocating?

How long have you been together? One's clinginess and rushing may be a matter of perspective. That said, in my experience, clinginess is the result of feelings of inadequacy or related issues. Have you discussed the problem with him?

I tried but I am bad at this stuff. I don't want to hurt him.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 0bsessions on 25 Feb 2009, 09:17
See, that's a big part of your problem right there, Allison. An individual can change, we're an adaptive breed. A person will not change, however, if they are not prompted with reason to. If being a sad sack is working for the guy, he's going to keep being a sad sack. Expecting him to change without giving a proper effort to make him do so is the truly unfair situation.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: mooface on 25 Feb 2009, 09:25
If you want to make a move then you should probably make a move. In terms of what to wear, it depends upon your goals for the evening. Do you plan to do the guy? If so, low cut, not slutty and a skirt maybe. You want to potentially tease the guy a bit, but going overboard and making your intent too obvious can be a huge turnoff. I say something low cut and a skirt down past the knees. It looks relatively classy while still being slightly tempting and also dudes love skirts, for many obvious reasons.

i mostly agree except that the low cut top / short skirt depends on which half of your body is better.  if you have great legs but no boobs go for a mini and a flattering, but not revealing, top instead.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: MrBlu on 25 Feb 2009, 09:38
Should I go for the short girl with the WOAH! body who still has feelings for my best friend, or the cool, but not a supermodel girl?


SRS.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 20 jazz funk greats on 25 Feb 2009, 09:39
Breaking up with someone over insecurity is entirely fair. Roughing it out in hopes he'll improve is not fair to either of you. Guys do not grow a pair by being coddled. Tell him what you want and expect of him and if he doesn't live up to your standard, it'll be time to look elsewhere. It may not seem possible, but the only way a guy will grow a pair is by being forced to in a lot of situations. They will eventually adapt.

i am not sure how to do this.  :|

also in other relationship-but-not-really related news there is this other guy i met while taking a bit of a break from clingy boy who did not want a serious relationship and we had a brief friends with benefits thing going on and that was decent but for some reason i decided i would rather have a serious relationship and ended up going back to the boy who does want that. now, yesterday i messaged other boy on facebook asking him if he wants to hang out sometime, just because i am going to be in the city where he lives on friday and seeing him while i'm there might be nice. i didn't say anything that could be considered flirty or suggestive. i'm not trying to fuck him, seriously. however, he was all like "oh i don't think so, i don't wanna make things more complicated between you and your boyfriend". which is respectable, but not the answer i was looking for. also i don't see how hanging out as friends without benefits would ruin everything forever.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: mooface on 25 Feb 2009, 09:41
Should I go for the short girl with the WOAH! body who still has feelings for my best friend, or the cool, but not a supermodel girl?

Assuming you find both girls physically attractive, you should go for the girl you find yourself most compatible with and who you are emotionally and mentally attracted to.  What does being a supermodel have to do with anything?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: mooface on 25 Feb 2009, 09:42
also in other relationship-but-not-really related news there is this other guy i met while taking a bit of a break from clingy boy who did not want a serious relationship and we had a brief friends with benefits thing going on and that was decent but for some reason i decided i would rather have a serious relationship and ended up going back to the boy who does want that. now, yesterday i messaged other boy on facebook asking him if he wants to hang out sometime, just because i am going to be in the city where he lives on friday and seeing him while i'm there might be nice. i didn't say anything that could be considered flirty or suggestive. i'm not trying to fuck him, seriously. however, he was all like "oh i don't think so, i don't wanna make things more complicated between you and your boyfriend". which is respectable, but not the answer i was looking for. also i don't see how hanging out as friends without benefits would ruin everything forever.

is there a question here?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 20 jazz funk greats on 25 Feb 2009, 09:46
i would like to see him, without giving off the impression that i am looking for someone to cheat on my boyfriend with because i'm not.
what do i say/do?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: mooface on 25 Feb 2009, 09:51
tell him, "i want to hang out with you because you are a cool dude but i have no interest in making out or doing any other kind of thing that would jeapordize my current relationship.  are you okay with being platonic friends?  because that is all i am looking for from you."

pretty straightforward, really.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 20 jazz funk greats on 25 Feb 2009, 09:58
i guess so, i just haven't had a friend with benefits before so i'm not sure if it's possible to make the transition to a strictly platonic friendship afterwards. based on what i've heard about other people's experience with this sorta thing, they were friends for a long time first (the boy in question is a relatively new friend) and then decided to start having makeouts and such and then maybe going back to a normal friendship if need be feels less weird? i am obviously not an expert on these matters.

Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: MrBlu on 25 Feb 2009, 10:10
Should I go for the short girl with the WOAH! body who still has feelings for my best friend, or the cool, but not a supermodel girl?

Assuming you find both girls physically attractive, you should go for the girl you find yourself most compatible with and who you are emotionally and mentally attracted to.  What does being a supermodel have to do with anything?
By that, I meant in comparison, the first girl is more attractive.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 20 jazz funk greats on 25 Feb 2009, 10:15
don't be shallow.
how well do you know the girls? would you rather be happy with an average-looking girl with an awesome personality or miserable but banging a high-maintenance, self-absorbed supermodel type?

however, if you like them equally in terms of personality choosing the one you have more physical chemistry with makes sense.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: mooface on 25 Feb 2009, 10:16
By that, I meant in comparison, the first girl is more attractive.

and i am saying that, unless otherwise they are the exact same person, this should not be a factor.  unless you are just looking for a physical fling, then go with the hot one i guess.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 0bsessions on 25 Feb 2009, 10:17
Let's not be too hasty, folks.

Mr. Blu, it depends entirely, as is often the case, upon what you're looking for. Are you just looking for a cheap fling right now? If so, go for the hotter one. This isn't specifically because of the physical attraction, more for the reduced likelihood of ruining the better prospect that is the other girl. If you're just in an irresponsible mode right now, you want to avoid girls you think you would be compatible with in the longer term so that you don't risk not taking it seriously enough.

A caveat, though: you mention she's still got a thing for your best friend. This seems to imply there might have been something there before. Clear it with your friend first, just in case.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: pen on 25 Feb 2009, 10:58
Since I seem to be the only very vocal guy on this forum capable of maintaining a relationship at this point with another high profile boarder

FYP

I'm high profile?  Who knew?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Scandanavian War Machine on 25 Feb 2009, 11:02
why do all the beautiful ladies who like the same things as me and are fun to be around end up being lesbians?


is it a horrible coicidence or am i subconsciously sabotaging myself?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 0bsessions on 25 Feb 2009, 11:05
This could be a pattern you've formed. Are you meeting all of these lesbians through other lesbians? That could be your problem. I remember back when I was a teenager, I hung out with a lot of teenagers. I assume lesbians might often enjoy the company of other lesbians in much the same way.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Scandanavian War Machine on 25 Feb 2009, 11:13
no, not really.

it's been seemingly random and spread out over the course of two or three years.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: valley_parade on 25 Feb 2009, 11:23
why do all the beautiful ladies who like the same things as me and are fun to be around end up being lesbians?


is it a horrible coicidence or am i subconsciously sabotaging myself?

They all arch their backs at you, don't they.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 20 jazz funk greats on 25 Feb 2009, 11:24
jon, how do i tell the boyfriend to stop being an insecure bitch without actually saying "stop being an insecure bitch or else i will leave you forever?" also i don't want him to completely change and start acting cocky and macho instead because that is a major turn off for me.

mai, i took your advice re:messaging other boy. i am nervously waiting for a response now. blahhh.

Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: tommydski on 25 Feb 2009, 11:25
Dear Relationship Thread,

I really like a girl but she is the wrong colour and in the wrong country.

She also has a really dumb dog.

Am I gay?

Love,

Tommy
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: tommydski on 25 Feb 2009, 11:27
jon, how do i tell the boyfriend to stop being an insecure bitch without actually saying "stop being an insecure bitch or else i will leave you forever?"

I'm not tmidgett but threatening to leave him for worrying about you leaving him might compound the problem just a little bit.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: pen on 25 Feb 2009, 11:31
He can be insecure without acting insecure.  Reassure him that you want to be with him, but some things bug you a little.  Clearing the air usually helps. 
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Drill King on 25 Feb 2009, 11:32
Hey dating thread, how come guys in my town don't like me, yet when I go out of province or on the internet guys find me attractive and endearing? Occasionally very smart too when they listen. Yet I still get teased and have never been on a proper date despite having three boyfriends. Why do I keep dating crazies?

Come on interbutts, gimme answers.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Scandanavian War Machine on 25 Feb 2009, 11:45
regional preferences maybe? or maybe you are just not looking hard enough. hmm or perhaps you are really annoying in person or something, i don't know (that seems fairly unlikely).

it's hard for me to imagine an entire population of men not finding you incredibley attractive.


actually, upon second thought...maybe they find you too attractive and are too intimidated to say anything to you. i know that's stopped me from talking to women before, so i'm sure there are lots of others like me.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Cartilage Head on 25 Feb 2009, 11:47
 Andy, do you look for guys in your town? It really depends on who you are trying to go for in your town. If you know all the guys you like really well, they might not think of you as more than a friend. Meanwhile, when you go out of the province people thin you are the Foxy Girl From Far Away. Same thing on the internet. Also, if you want to go on a proper date, just do it. Date dudes BEFORE they become your boyfriend.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Social Bacon on 25 Feb 2009, 11:55
Where do I find intelligent girls? I am sick of all these clueless ladies that have no interest in the subtleties of the stock market and vector calculus. I have tried the library and had moderate success but everyone there is always like "shhh this is a library, not a dating service." If you're an intellectually attractive lady could you please give me some advice on where to search?

Oh, and I have a second problem, I really like redheads but in my experience redheads have proven to be invariably crazy. Am I just grabbing all the wrong redheads? Or do I need to ignore my love of red hair?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Metope on 25 Feb 2009, 12:03
Andy, that sounds like me! If your town is as small as mine, this could be because you grew up around those guys. I was a pretty lame nerdy girl in school, so no one really noticed me, and my guy friends from home still look at me like that even though I know I've changed a lot. When I started going other places and guys looked at me differently I was all "Haha, you think I'm pretty? What is wrong with you, I'm not pretty", and it took a while for me to realize that I've been sorta labeled for life as the girl who is not dating/girlfriend-material at all back home. In small towns getting rid of certain labels (nerd, slut, whatever) is really difficult and my advice to you is to look forward to the day you get out of there, because you'll have so much fun.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 0bsessions on 25 Feb 2009, 12:12
jon, how do i tell the boyfriend to stop being an insecure bitch without actually saying "stop being an insecure bitch or else i will leave you forever?"

You don't.

Seriously, though, you have to come out with some of it. If you don't tell him it drives you up a wall, it will continue to drive you up a wall until the point where it all ends ugly. Don't give him a direct ultimatum, but tell him his insecurity is driving you nuts and lay it out that you're with him because you want to be, but his insecurities complicate matters. If that is somehow not true, then you shouldn't actually be with him.

Dear Relationship Thread,

I really like a girl but she is the wrong colour and in the wrong country.

She also has a really dumb dog.

Am I gay?

Love,

Tommy

Yes.

Hey dating thread, how come guys in my town don't like me, yet when I go out of province or on the internet guys find me attractive and endearing? Occasionally very smart too when they listen. Yet I still get teased and have never been on a proper date despite having three boyfriends. Why do I keep dating crazies?

Part of the problem, honestly, from what little I know of you, is that you have acclimated yourself outside of your age range. You primarily speak online with dudes who are in their early twenties, yet you are, last I recall, sixteen or seventeen. This puts you in a position where you're associating with dudes who are at a vastly different emotional and social level than the dudes you would naturally be encountering in a dating capacity. Meanwhile, if you extend your dating pool to primarily guys in the age range of folks you talk to online, you run into the trouble of dating the kind of twenty something who would date a seventeen year old. This is going to sound harsh, and I know there's exceptions, but many guys who date girls your age at our age are guys who just aren't sufficiently socially competent enough to date a girl their own age, so they 'settle' for younger girls as they're easier to impress.

My basic advice is that your standards are probably part of your problem. Guys your age are supposed to be dumb. If you want to continue dating at your age, you should probably resolve to deal with that for the time being until you're older.

Where do I find intelligent girls? I am sick of all these clueless ladies that have no interest in the subtleties of the stock market and vector calculus. I have tried the library and had moderate success but everyone there is always like "shhh this is a library, not a dating service." If you're an intellectually attractive lady could you please give me some advice on where to search?

Oh, and I have a second problem, I really like redheads but in my experience redheads have proven to be invariably crazy. Am I just grabbing all the wrong redheads? Or do I need to ignore my love of red hair?

On the former problem, you're probably going about it wrong. Honestly, in my experience, the best place to meet smart girls who dig shit like the stock market and maths is online. Girls like that don't go to bars or scout for guys at the library.

In terms of redheads, the problem is that in many places redheads are a minority. It's not that they're less likely to be quality women, just that you're less likely to find one at all. I had a redhead thing for the longest time and Rachel's actually the first redhead I've ever been on more than one date with, mostly because there's just not a lot of them around here.

Mai's in charge for a bit, I have to go watch a baseball game between two teams I don't really care all that much about and then hang out with my girlfriend, because not hanging out with her would be poor relationship advice, guys!
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Professor Snuggles on 25 Feb 2009, 12:25
Why do girls I like invariably only want to use me for my body, while girls I don't like develop huge, long term, obsessive crushes on me?

Am I just giving it up too easy, or is it just that nice a body with nothing to back it up?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: mooface on 25 Feb 2009, 12:33
Why do girls I like invariably only want to use me for my body, while girls I don't like develop huge, long term, obsessive crushes on me?

Am I just giving it up too easy, or is it just that nice a body with nothing to back it up?

you are probably dressing too provocatively.  don't show off all the goods in one go.  give only a teasing hint of what's to come to leave girls wanting more.  if you seem like you are "easy" people won't respect you for what's beyond your body.

here are some useful tips if you want to dress modestly and maybe get people to love you for who you are.

Quote
1 Go through your closet. Do not jump to throw out clothes that seem immodest, because there are many possibilities and new ways to use them.
 
2 A unique, modest style isn't impossible! Decide what your standards of modesty are. Does modesty for you mean dressing in a way your relatives would approve of? Does it mean covering your shoulders and thighs? Does it mean avoiding clothes that cling to your skin? Is it covering your arms and legs? Figure out what makes you comfortable and feels right to you.

3 Try your clothes on in front of a large mirror. See how your clothing fits you and what impression it conveys. Bend over, sit down, wave your arms around. Make sure your clothes don't shift around too much.

4 When you go shopping, keep your eyes out for modest clothing. If what's in is crop-tops and that's not modest for you, look in other places, such as second-hand clothing stores and online stores. Also recognize that it might take longer to find clothing, but it's certainly possible.

Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: onewheelwizzard on 25 Feb 2009, 12:52
Kieff, I think it's because you're probably specifically attracted to girls who are independent enough to not look for commitment in a sexual relationship.  The girls that turn you on the most do so BECAUSE they don't develop huge obsessive long-term crushes on you ... it's a sign that if you got into a relationship with them, you wouldn't feel the need to walk on eggshells just to make sure they felt secure, and that's hot.

Basically this puts you in an uncomfortable position because you have to give the advantage to a girl that you actually like when you proposition them for a more serious relationship.  Saying "Hey, um, I know we're just having sex and it's not serious and all, and that's cool I guess, but I'd really like it if we got together for real for real" puts you at a disadvantage in some ways.  Are you willing to do this (or have you already)?  What happens when you express heartfelt desire for commitment?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: onewheelwizzard on 25 Feb 2009, 13:21
Get a hobby, preferably a physically active one (unicycling was mine).  First off, it'll take your mind off things and get you in a mode to pursue achievements, removing a lot of self-judgments about being useless/unskilled etc.  Secondly, you'll have something new to know what you're talking about with, which can help remove self-judgment about being socially inept (I basically perfected a 10-15 minute spiel about unicycling that could legitimately make just about anyone interested in what I was saying.  You would be amazed how many friends it helped me make.)  Third, you'll eventually meet a girl who's into the same thing (the first two girls I slept with in my life were both unicyclists and very intelligent and physically attractive ones at that).  Fourth, it'll actually improve your body because it'll be exercise that is also fun.

Having a hobby that gets you outdoors and moving around and that you really enjoy will help a lot, I think.  It'll give you new skills, exercise, new conversation starters, a new channel to maybe meet someone cool, and eventually a fair amount of confidence.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: michaelicious on 25 Feb 2009, 13:26
Just start a band, Jens.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Hairy Joe Bob on 25 Feb 2009, 13:49
I am in a serious long term relationship & I have advice:

Stop asking people on the internet for advice and go out and do. Really the best course of action here is just go out and try. And hey iof it doesn't work perfect the first time then try again. Trial and error dudes. You can get all the best advice in the world but it don't mean shit really when it comes down to it, you've got to just go for it.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 20 jazz funk greats on 25 Feb 2009, 14:07
jens whatever you do, please please please do not buy any books claiming they will teach you what women really want or how to get any lady you want and thus improve your confidence vastly.  they offer horrible advice, and i am convinced that every guy who actually takes them seriously ends up turning into a huge dick.

honestly you'd be better off asking us internet people because some of us actually know what we're talking about. hobbies are good. having them implies you are interesting and independent and that's an attractive quality.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Scandanavian War Machine on 25 Feb 2009, 14:21
i highly recommend axe throwing
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: onewheelwizzard on 25 Feb 2009, 14:28
Unicycling is a really cool hobby, especially if you have good mountain trails in your area.  Mountain unicycling is (a) more fun than any other sport, like, ever, (b) more impressive to most people than almost any other sport, (c) a really good workout, and (d) relatively cheap as far as equipment and maintenance goes.

Here is some inspiration: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uPznTbus3g
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: MrBlu on 25 Feb 2009, 14:57
By that, I meant in comparison, the first girl is more attractive.

and i am saying that, unless otherwise they are the exact same person, this should not be a factor.  unless you are just looking for a physical fling, then go with the hot one i guess.
I'm not. But I still think she's cool.

don't be shallow.
how well do you know the girls? would you rather be happy with an average-looking girl with an awesome personality or miserable but banging a high-maintenance, self-absorbed supermodel type?

however, if you like them equally in terms of personality choosing the one you have more physical chemistry with makes sense.
I'm shallow.
But I choose, the latter. Thankfully that's not the case.

Let's not be too hasty, folks.

Mr. Blu, it depends entirely, as is often the case, upon what you're looking for. Are you just looking for a cheap fling right now? If so, go for the hotter one. This isn't specifically because of the physical attraction, more for the reduced likelihood of ruining the better prospect that is the other girl. If you're just in an irresponsible mode right now, you want to avoid girls you think you would be compatible with in the longer term so that you don't risk not taking it seriously enough.

A caveat, though: you mention she's still got a thing for your best friend. This seems to imply there might have been something there before. Clear it with your friend first, just in case.
I'm not looking for a "cheap fling". At least not since I messed with the wrong dude's chick.
And my friend really doesn't give a rat's ass. She was going around him at one point because she didn't know what she wanted, and basically pulled a Faye on him. He's busy chasing a girl twice his height.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Dimmukane on 25 Feb 2009, 15:03
I usually just call up a couple friends and duke it out with swords and shit.  This doesn't happen very often, though.  I need a better physical activity/hobby.  

Something that doesn't require me to use the muscles in my feet much?  I have flat feet and it becomes painful to do certain activities (ice and roller skating, DDR, speedwalking, fencing, stuff that requires me to balance on my feet for extended periods of time) after 10 minutes or so.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: onewheelwizzard on 25 Feb 2009, 15:05
Kayaking?

I'll bet partner kayaking with a cute girl would be awesome.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: MrBlu on 25 Feb 2009, 15:18
Hell yes.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 25 Feb 2009, 15:30
Anna tell him you like him because of reasons a,b, and c, and that you want to be with him, but that clingyness and poor self-esteem are terribly unattractive and detract from the relationship. Like, clearly you have a problem with some parts of him so letting him know that is essential to the continuation of a happy relationship, so I think prefacing that statement with 'look, I do really like these things about you, but this other stuff, what the fuck?
Also friends with benefits is weird territory, anyone getting into this should be fully aware of the fact that you may not be able to be friends afterwards. A friend and I hooked up a few months ago, things are back where they were, it is OK. However, it may not actually be possible to be friends with this guy anymore because of the way he thinks about you. He may not be able to think of you outside of the context of a makeout-toy. C'est la vie.



Andy, as much as I love the east, and I while I love the people there and like to consider them my people, they are not usually the kind of people who I find I really align with, they're not the kind of people who are my best friends and my lovers. This may be what is up with you too?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Gemmwah on 25 Feb 2009, 15:31
For Jens, I'm gonna throw in a vote for gymnastics, because it may be a bit awkward to get to a gym, but it's really worth it. Gymnastics bulks up muscles you never knew you had, and makes you more flexible than you ever knew you could be. Also it's wicked fun to throw yourself around in the air in various ways, and most people who go to adult/recreational classes are really cool, so it's easy to make friends. I don't think I've ever had more fun than I had on the air track at Southampton Acro Gym. A bouncy castle made specifically for training somersaults? ACE!
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Scandanavian War Machine on 25 Feb 2009, 15:52
seconded!

Jens, come visit me; you can stay at my house for free and i work at a gymnastics center so i can teach you all kinds of cool tricks.

normally, this would be the part where i say "chicks dig a dude who can flip" but honestly in all the years i've been doing flips and shit, not once has it gotten me anything in the girl department (this may or may not have everything to do with me, and not the flips though)

Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Johnny C on 25 Feb 2009, 16:06
My band is super cool but somehow I fail to find myself covered in groupies. What the hell kind of song does a dude have to write to get he dick wet?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: ledhendrix on 25 Feb 2009, 16:14
Trampolining is another good one Jens, mostly girls that go to it and there is quite a high chance that the few guys that do go are gay.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: michaelicious on 25 Feb 2009, 16:15
My band is super cool but somehow I fail to find myself covered in groupies. What the hell kind of song does a dude have to write to get he dick wet?

Some Death Cab For Cutie shit probably.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: ledhendrix on 25 Feb 2009, 16:25
I used to do gymnastics, but recently moved on to trampolining. The two are pretty similar, but trampoline moves can be done a lot slower and with a lot more control, I had to learn to slow everything down when I moved on to a proper trampoline because holy fuck those things are springy. Double backflips? I think so.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: ruyi on 25 Feb 2009, 16:31
Hey Jens. There's this technology of producing images with light, also known as photo-graphy. Maybe you've heard of it?

Seriously though it's a thing you already dig / are good at and it's an attractive thing about you FYI
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: ruyi on 25 Feb 2009, 16:40
            I... suddenly feel like this is something that should have crossed my mind on several occasions before
           /
(http://forums.questionablecontent.net/index.php?action=dlattach;attach=5602;type=avatar)



 :wink:
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Dazed on 25 Feb 2009, 16:44
Also, practice playing your guitar. Music is a cool way to connect to people.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Gemmwah on 25 Feb 2009, 16:55
I used to do gymnastics, but recently moved on to trampolining. The two are pretty similar, but trampoline moves can be done a lot slower and with a lot more control, I had to learn to slow everything down when I moved on to a proper trampoline because holy fuck those things are springy. Double backflips? I think so.

This.

If you want to do REALLY BIG tricks, trampolining is the sport for you. If you want to be able to do impressive tricks on the grass or randomly in the middle of the street, gymnastics is for you. I did a combination of the two, learning tricks on tramp then transferring them to floor, which is pretty good. If you do gym to start with you get a taste for both and then you can do whichever fits better.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: october1983 on 25 Feb 2009, 16:56
Also, practice playing your guitar. Music is a cool way to impress ladies
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: öde on 25 Feb 2009, 17:01
I'm too insecure to form casual relationships.

(Sack up!)
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jace on 25 Feb 2009, 18:16
Hey guys, I can't seem to meet girls my age, I think this is because I'm not in college, where pretty much all the girls my age are right now. Since I'm 19 and in America, its not like I can go to clubs or bars to meet girls. I also work nights. So, it doesn't help that I only have 2 nights each week that I can stay out late.
How do I meet girls?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Dazed on 25 Feb 2009, 18:21
The internet, honestly.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 25 Feb 2009, 18:34
America, Ha! So wait, if I go to Chicago, you kids won't even be able to go out to bars? America, you silly old bastard you.


Volunteer somewhere. Food Not Bombs is all over the place, also I've seen several community-centered bike repair shops (the kind that re-claims and restores derelicts), maybe go and help them, learn about bike repair. Really I am just throwing out things I do. I have made friends at these places. My good friend met her girlfriend one of these places, I have just met a nice lady one of these places, maybe something will happen there, I do not know. Just remember to go do something you're actually interested in; going to volunteer somewhere just to meet people will not help you meet people that much.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jace on 25 Feb 2009, 18:39
But I can't volunteer to do Kung Fu, I already do Kung Fu.  :?

Also should probably be noted that I do Kung Fu during my afternoons 4 days a week. I think the internet is my best bet, and I seem to have great luck finding girls, just never sealing the deal.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lummer on 25 Feb 2009, 18:39
Also, practice playing your guitar. Music is a cool way to impress ladies

Of course it is, but just.... Don't play guitar like I do, okay?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Liz on 25 Feb 2009, 18:47
America, Ha! So wait, if I go to Chicago, you kids won't even be able to go out to bars? America, you silly old bastard you.

I will be old enough! We can go out to the bars and have delicious drinks and dance like idiots.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Hat on 25 Feb 2009, 19:15
My band is super cool but somehow I fail to find myself covered in groupies. What the hell kind of song does a dude have to write to get he dick wet?

Slip it in, dude. Either that or Dr Feelgood.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: sean on 25 Feb 2009, 19:27
man this thread has reminded me i need to learn how to ride a unicycle.

jens do the one that is not riding a unicycle. i'll cover that one.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 20 jazz funk greats on 25 Feb 2009, 19:31
Anna tell him you like him because of reasons a,b, and c, and that you want to be with him, but that clingyness and poor self-esteem are terribly unattractive and detract from the relationship. Like, clearly you have a problem with some parts of him so letting him know that is essential to the continuation of a happy relationship, so I think prefacing that statement with 'look, I do really like these things about you, but this other stuff, what the fuck?
Also friends with benefits is weird territory, anyone getting into this should be fully aware of the fact that you may not be able to be friends afterwards. A friend and I hooked up a few months ago, things are back where they were, it is OK. However, it may not actually be possible to be friends with this guy anymore because of the way he thinks about you. He may not be able to think of you outside of the context of a makeout-toy. C'est la vie.

tried that. and he says "well, this is just who i am and if you don't like it feel free to find someone else" um. so i guess i should be looking for someone else then? or y'know, running away with you like we planned in the drunk thread ages ago. haha.

and you are probably right about other boy seeing me that way cause we didn't know each other very well and he does not see my awesomeness.
it is an unfortunate thing cause i could use more friends and i get along better with guys than girls usually. oh well i'm gonna go listen to shellac and be angsty now. see you later relationship thread.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 25 Feb 2009, 19:54
Anna you've broken my heart too many times for me to even consider running away with you again.
Anyways, ask him if he would want you back if you left, and if he says yes, then ask him if he'd change to have you back, and if yes, ask him if he'd change to keep you, and if yes, ask him if he'd just try and change to try and make you happy.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 25 Feb 2009, 19:57
My band is super cool but somehow I fail to find myself covered in groupies. What the hell kind of song does a dude have to write to get he dick wet?

Slip it in her pooper dude.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Gilead on 25 Feb 2009, 20:03
Mai a girl touched me what do I do?!
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 25 Feb 2009, 20:06
Anna, I have honestly mostly been skimming your posts and responses to yours, and I say DTMFA. Jesus. Clingy? Insecure? It sounds like its causing you more stress than good, so seriously DTMFA.



Also, guys, I refuse to wear the skirt because I feel like I have the biggest butt in the whole wide world when I wear it, and that's not very impressive. So I think I will wear these pants that make my butt look nice.

If the date even happens. Because I'm betting it won't.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lila on 25 Feb 2009, 20:10
I have had no non-platonic relationships ever.
Mainly it's because I'm 15 and I haven't had horomones for like four fifths of my life.
But now I really really like someone.
and he's my best friend.
he's the only one I can talk to about a LOT of stuff.
I've told him I like him twice (once in october, once over january break), and he knows I still have a [insert word which is not "crush" because it's lasted longer than a crush, but it's something like it here] on him.
He's said "no" every time I've brought it up. He says that there's some chance that we'll have a hookup (maybe leading to more) in the future. It depends entirely on his horniness, basically. You'd think that it'd be easy to hook up with him, then. He's fifteen too.
And yet, whenever we hang out alone if we get too close he takes out his guitar or something. And when we're around other people he's kind of all over me, but I'm not going to make out with anyone in the middle of the cafeteria or something.
When I told him he was sending me mixed messages and I wished he'd just tell me one thing, he said "I don't know which message I want to send you. I'm sorry"

I have no idea what I'm doing, basically, and neither does he.

FIX IT, INTERNET
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lila on 25 Feb 2009, 20:18
I can't marry him. It's illegal here (until we turn eighteen)

And I try not to get my hopes up, but it doesn't work. I feel like one of those stupid teenage girls who pines after some boy and doesn't think about anything else (I do think about other things... but not as much as I used to).
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 25 Feb 2009, 20:28
Lila, chill(a). Okay really I just thought that was a witty rhyme. Uh. Chill? You could say 'look dude, you are afraid of commitment and have mixed feelings about me which is why you don't do anything in private so it seems like the only reason your all over me in public is to showoff and assert your young male virility so smarten up bucko because I don't need this shit' or you could just say 'man being 15 is actually really kind of confusing isn't it?'.



marry him before he slips away!

by the way will you marry me jens?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: LittleKey on 25 Feb 2009, 20:45
Jens Jens Jens! Parkour! do it now! it's an originally french activity; seriously, it's really cool. it's hard to explain though. to simplify it greatly, it's the art of getting from point A to point B in the most efficient way possible (vault over that fence instead of walking around it etc.). I've been described as a street ninja before, which i decide to take as a compliment. It's not the most amazingly well-known thing, which makes it cool i guess! It's a very physical activity, and you get a good workout without feeling like you're dying. also, it really turns heads in public, usually in a "woah-did-you-see-that-i-want-to-get-to-know-that-dude" kind of way. here is a youtube video showing off Parkour and Freerunning, which is, in a simplified description, Parkour but with flips and whatnot (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WEeqHj3Nj2c). also, here is a good website with a forum and tons of articles and stuff (http://www.americanparkour.com/). If I remember correctly, you live in Norway not America, but it's a great site. I hope you give it a try, the world needs more traceurs and traceuses! (french for parkourist and lady-parkourist, respectively).

Also, on a more on-topic note, I was going to post some of my common girl issues, but then I realized i'm in high school and high-school relationships don't really follow much in the way of logic. If i find a specific problem, I'll post it.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: The Voice on 25 Feb 2009, 21:02
Since I seem to be the only very vocal guy on this forum capable of maintaining a relationship at this point with another high profile boarder

Oh, and I don't need any advice as I'm already too busy coming to terms with the fact that I am going to die alone to even consider a relationship.  But I'll eagerly watch this thread like the little voyeur I am for the wonderful gems of insight that it will undoubtedly produce.  

I've totally been dating a "high profile boarder" for like 2 1/2 years.  I'd like to think it's going fairly awesome.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Liz on 25 Feb 2009, 21:03
Guys I have the solution to all of your problems right here. (http://www.engrish.com//wp-content/uploads/2009/02/i-love-you-kiss.jpg)
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Eris on 25 Feb 2009, 21:27
Hey guys, I need some help.

I have been dating an admin here for over a year. What is wrong with me? There's something wrong with me, right?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: mooface on 25 Feb 2009, 21:29
Mai a girl touched me what do I do?!

tell her your heart has already been signed away by a schoolyard love note.

if that doesn't work, shout "fire!" until help comes.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: mooface on 25 Feb 2009, 21:30
Hey guys, I need some help.

I have been dating an admin here for over a year. What is wrong with me? There's something wrong with me, right?

there is nothing wrong with you, but you are dating a dingo and that is a problem you should probably have resolved asap.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: mooface on 25 Feb 2009, 21:31
an ANCIENT dingo.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 25 Feb 2009, 21:32
Hey I'd hit it.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: mooface on 25 Feb 2009, 21:34
FIX IT, INTERNET
\
(http://www.leasticoulddo.com/files/avatars/Avatar-Emo%20Rayne.gif)


lila, whether it is intentional or not, he is definitely leading you on.  back off a bit, distract yourself with other activities.  honestly, from what you say it seems like he just likes the attention you give him.  at this point, if he really wants to be with you he will come to you.  in the mean time, don't stress out over it - have fun with your life and don't let this relationship stress you out!
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 20 jazz funk greats on 25 Feb 2009, 21:36
Anna you've broken my heart too many times for me to even consider running away with you again.

when did i ever break your heart? you're the one who led me on with
false promises of baked goods. </3

Clingy? Insecure? It sounds like its causing you more stress than good.

see i am not entirely sure this is true, because i haven't made any posts about the positive aspects of our relationship, since that's not the point of this thread. and if i come across as stressed out...well...i am to some extent, but not because of him.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: skinnyfat on 25 Feb 2009, 21:56
Ok, ok, so I will admit that I am a major noob at relationships. Parents are a little crazy about the dating thing. In my early twenties, but the boy I am with now is the only steady boyfriend I have ever had. I don't really know what the rules are, what's ok, and what's not ok. And that brings me to my question...

We've been together for two years, but recently his ex has come back into his life. They talk a lot, A LOT. And this makes me really uncomfortable. I don't want to make a scene, and be a crazy clingy girlfriend who keeps her man on a tight leash. But on the other hand, I do not want to get hurt, and their sudden intimacy is making me really uncomfortable. Especially since it is cutting into the time he spends on me. He tells me she is just going through a tough time in her life, and needs someone to talk to. But as a girl, I think I would find a female friend I could talk to rather than an ex who is currently in another relationship. It would make me less uncomfortable if she wasn't single, I think. He tells me he is happy, and that they are friends. But personally, I don't think friends post love poems on your myspace (which she has, recently).

Am I being crazy controlling not wanting them talking to each other like they are?

Advice please.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jace on 25 Feb 2009, 22:20
Just tell him that it makes you a little uncomfortable. Its not so crazy clingy since she posted a love poem on his page, that is kinda wierd. You may want to just bring that up with him, like "hey, <ex name here> posted a love poem on your page, tha

I got partway done before realizing that my advice is derived completely from sitcoms, and someone always guts dumped. Nevermind me.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: LittleKey on 25 Feb 2009, 22:35
i think you should definitely bring it up. it's simple, if his hanging out with his ex makes you uncomfortable, then you should work to fix the problem. which in this case would probably be done best by talking to him and saying that it's making you uncomfortable. i wish you luck =).
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Darkbluerabbit on 25 Feb 2009, 22:48
You should definitely talk to him if it makes you uncomfortable.  Don't be confrontational about it though, because there are reasons he might be putting up with her behavior.  If she is indeed going through a difficult time, it might be tough for him to be blunt about his feelings for her.  Telling her that he doesn't return her feelings would hurt her, and if she's already dealing with a lot, he might be afraid to add to her pain.  Is this honest?  No.  Is it understandable?  Yes.  Emotionally needy people have a way of making you feel guilty for avoiding them.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Guido Sarducci on 25 Feb 2009, 22:53
Ok, ok, so I will admit that I am a major noob at relationships. Parents are a little crazy about the dating thing. In my early twenties, but the boy I am with now is the only steady boyfriend I have ever had. I don't really know what the rules are, what's ok, and what's not ok. And that brings me to my question...

We've been together for two years, but recently his ex has come back into his life. They talk a lot, A LOT. And this makes me really uncomfortable. I don't want to make a scene, and be a crazy clingy girlfriend who keeps her man on a tight leash. But on the other hand, I do not want to get hurt, and their sudden intimacy is making me really uncomfortable. Especially since it is cutting into the time he spends on me. He tells me she is just going through a tough time in her life, and needs someone to talk to. But as a girl, I think I would find a female friend I could talk to rather than an ex who is currently in another relationship. It would make me less uncomfortable if she wasn't single, I think. He tells me he is happy, and that they are friends. But personally, I don't think friends post love poems on your myspace (which she has, recently).

Am I being crazy controlling not wanting them talking to each other like they are?

Advice please.
Oh this is a sucky one. Do the math:

a= your interest in having him for a mate
b= his interest in having you for a mate
c= his interest in her (for whatever reason)
x= the length of your future relationship
y=some other guys interest in you for a mate

If if a+b<b+c then x,a+b+c<y

since I just made all that crap up, it makes no sense really. But basically you should talk to him and make sure he knows that the length of your relationship is inversely proportional to the amount of attention he pays her (or any other woman) for whatever reason.

I don't mean that you should threaten him. I mean that you should tell him you feel threatened and squeezed out and that you should expect a response about how he intends to handle it. A REAL response. ie: he tones down his relationship with her to a degree you can handle or he bails on you or more importantly that your needs are met. You need to figure out what you need from him before this discussion and you need to stand by that, even if it leaves you standing alone. In other words, you should place your own safety over the idea of having a boyfriend. Men are like fish: many in the sea and scaly. Well, not scaly maybe, but there are lots of us out there. And we smell sometimes. Wait no..

I'm sort of a hardass about relationships, but having spent years in the military and seen literally dozens of couple split up due to cheating I have no patience with it. No woman deserves to be cheated on. No man deserves to be cheated on. And none of us should live in fear that we are being cheated on. Trust and openness are literally the only way I know to avoid any of the above.

a note on this being one of your first relationships:

an old sergeant of mine once told me that if you do a thing properly the first time you spend the rest of your life practicing to make it perfect. If you do it wrong the first time you spend the rest of your life learning how to do it right. if this is an early relationship for you, make sure you are trying to do the grown up and ethical thing instead of the "it feels good right now and I'm scared of being alone" thing.

Luck!
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 25 Feb 2009, 23:08
I say bring it up. Definitely say something to him, and maybe if its a super big problem, I would hope he'd say something to her.

I'm kinda on the opposite end of your situation. One of the guys that I used to fool around with a lot and had a super huge crush on recently started dating this girl. Dude is also one of my bestest friends ever. Seriously. My roommates have been informed that if ever anything happens to me, they are to contact him first. He is really smart and a really great guy and I trust him with my life.

A bit before he and his lady started dating, we had sort of stopped communicating. We were both just busy and didn't have time for each other, and we sort of got into an arguement about it. I didn't find out about the lady until they were pretty serious, and I was kind of hurt by that. And it was due to us not talking. So I vowed to keep in touch with him more often.

Well, his lady makes him awesomely happy, and that in turn makes me happy, so I really really enjoy talking with him now. On top of that, a bunch of shit went down in my life, and since I basically cannot trust my family, and a lot of it involved them, I turned to him. He has been super helpful, and I probably would not be here if it weren't for him.

Admittedly, I always feel bad when I call, because I am worried that they are spending time together, or that I will interupt them. Twice I've called and I could hear his lady in the background and I felt bad. I don't want to put a strain on their relationship, you know? I really want them to work out. Dude totally deserves it. Plus I love hearing him when he is happy. Its pretty much the greatest thing in the world.

But yeah. If I was making her uncomfortable, or if our talks do make her uncomfortable, I'd more than apperciate her saying something to one of us. I mean, either just her calling me up and saying "hey, I know you two are close but it kind of makes me a bit uncomfortable" or her saying something to him and him saying something to me. It'd be apperciated.

tl;dr: Emaline is a sappy sappy fool. Prefers when her friends are happy, and would want their girlfriends to be all "he's mine, bitch!"
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: MrBlu on 25 Feb 2009, 23:11
Also, guys, I refuse to wear the skirt because I feel like I have the biggest butt in the whole wide world when I wear it, and that's not very impressive. So I think I will wear these pants that make my butt look nice.
Man, I have the hardest time remembering that some people don't like big butts. And can't lie about it.

I'm sorry, it was too obvious to pass up
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 25 Feb 2009, 23:16
Its not like an attractive big butt. It is just a huge big butt. I mean, I could probably stack things on it. Its huge and terrible. So down playing the butt is my goal.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: MrBlu on 25 Feb 2009, 23:22
I've always wanted to be with Rhonda from that "Road Trip" movie...


TJ you make me so jealous.


You think I'm joking? You think I'm @#$%ing joking!?
What? What? You think I'm creepy? WELL SCREW YOU TO FRAT BOY HUMOR HELL.

Somebody love me.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Masterbainter on 26 Feb 2009, 02:17
Ok, ok, so I will admit that I am a major noob at relationships. Parents are a little crazy about the dating thing. In my early twenties, but the boy I am with now is the only steady boyfriend I have ever had. I don't really know what the rules are, what's ok, and what's not ok. And that brings me to my question...

We've been together for two years, but recently his ex has come back into his life. They talk a lot, A LOT. And this makes me really uncomfortable. I don't want to make a scene, and be a crazy clingy girlfriend who keeps her man on a tight leash. But on the other hand, I do not want to get hurt, and their sudden intimacy is making me really uncomfortable. Especially since it is cutting into the time he spends on me. He tells me she is just going through a tough time in her life, and needs someone to talk to. But as a girl, I think I would find a female friend I could talk to rather than an ex who is currently in another relationship. It would make me less uncomfortable if she wasn't single, I think. He tells me he is happy, and that they are friends. But personally, I don't think friends post love poems on your myspace (which she has, recently).

Am I being crazy controlling not wanting them talking to each other like they are?

Advice please.

In your 20s and seeing him for 2 years. 

2 years is a long time especially if you are early in your 20s.

Is your relationship viewed by both parties as a serious progressing relationship?  check with him.

If you have been with this person for 2 years and can't feel comfortable confronting them about your feelings of him starting a relationship back up with his ex...

I think you need to figure out if this guy is really worth it to you.   

From just what you posted It's pretty obvious there is more than just a strictly platonic relationship between him and his ex.

Unless you are skewering the details on it. 

is he spending more time talking to, thinking about and talking to you about this girl than he is about you?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Masterbainter on 26 Feb 2009, 02:20
Its not like an attractive big butt. It is just a huge big butt. I mean, I could probably stack things on it. Its huge and terrible. So down playing the butt is my goal.

You'd be surprised...

Beauty is in the eye of the buttholder.

Edit: sorry for the double post.


You think I'm joking? You think I'm @#$%ing joking!?
What? What? You think I'm creepy? WELL SCREW YOU TO FRAT BOY HUMOR HELL.

Somebody love me.


Not unless you love me first
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 0bsessions on 26 Feb 2009, 06:32
Well, I was initially intimidated by the two pages of crap that landed while I did other stuff, but there was almost zero substance. I'll tackle to stuff I feel worth tackling.

FIX IT, INTERNET

No cando. Honestly, your entire post can be summed up by the following:

I realized i'm in high school and high-school relationships don't really follow much in the way of logic. If i find a specific problem, I'll post it.

This is the answer. There is no accounting for the absolute bullshit that is relationships and stuff at fifteen. Bluntly speaking, fifteen year olds are pretty much never close enough on an emotional level between genders to actually make shit worth of sense when it comes to romantic feelings. Your friend is clearly using you and you are clearly emotionally investing yourself far too deeply into something that is quite clearly a lost cause. What you have is, by definition, a crush. Crushes don't have an expiration date. If you want to maintain a friendship, stop pursuing the guy, as he has made it clear he's not interested in that way. As much as I'd like to say he's unreasonable for the sake of your self esteem, your post (Unless missing MAJOR details) makes it pretty clear that he's not into you in that way. I really can't see anything he's doing wrong. He's not really leading you on, by definition, because he's bluntly told you there's no emotional investment, just random lust. If that's not good enough for you, you need to accept it and move on.

Jens, your problem is clearly self esteem. I didn't honestly read your post, but I already knew this. The hobby shit to shape up is one thing, but another is to practice the hobbies you are already into in a social mindset. The aforementioned photography angle is one that should be mined heavily. Photography is a fantastic way to meet people and a very likable and common hobby. Find ways outside to utilize your photography in a social atmosphere, be it going to the park to take pictures or some such. A camera also makes for a great ice breaker. If you see a pretty girl, asking her if she can take a shot for you while you get in said shot makes for a great icebreaker without coming off as creepy.

Sam, you don't get my advice. If you became any more appealing to the fairer sex, there would be no women left for everyone else. I have to think of the greater good.

Jace, 'only two days?' Seriously, man, welcome to the real world. Most people only really have two nights a week they can go out. In terms of your other situation, well, you're kind of in no man's land. I was actually there in my early twenties. I dropped out of college at twenty and worked night shifts for a long while. It does make meeting women very hard. Honestly, the only way I met women at the time was because I was working at a mall. Since quitting your job to go work at a mall to pick up women is not what I'd call an even remotely viable option, you'll have to be creative. Expand your hobbies, for one. Kung fu does not make much room for women and you honestly come off a bit two dimensional sometimes because, from my perspective, you don't seem to have enough different hobbies. Get heavier into music, as concerts are one of the better places to meet women with your current lifestyle.

Skinnyfat, your situation is hard to justify as anything but your dude fucking up royally. If your dude can't figure out on his own that what he's doing is going to fuck with your emotions, he might be kind of dumb. Conversely, the onus of responsibility in terms of bringing it up is clearly upon you. You absolutely need to tell him it makes you uncomfortable. Whether or not you're being crazy and clingy is less important than the fact you feel upset by this (For the record, there's nothing wrong with being jealous in this situation, I'd be very put off if my girlfriend started hanging out constantly with an old boyfriend who wasn't the father of her kid). The thing, though, is that he cannot be full on expected to right this situation without being told of your discomfort.

This is going to hurt, but I'll be honest. The situation is likely one of two things: either your dude is up to something behind your back or he is too oblivious to the fact that this girl obviously wants to be all up in him again to notice. Much as it sucks, I have to lean toward the former, as it's hard for me to believe there's a dude out there dumb enough to get love poems on his MySpace without putting two and two together and realizing it's time to take a step back.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Mr. Skawronska on 26 Feb 2009, 07:22
Quote
Since I seem to be the only guy on this forum capable of maintaining a relationship at this point, it has become readily apparent that the lot of you are shitty at not breaking up with people. So, here I am to answer all of your questions concerning relationships.

I am surprised you fit through standard width doors.

And there are some of us other than you in happy, stable relationships, thank you.  And no offense, but I only take advice from people I solicit it from, and rarely take it from people who offer it.

Because those who offer it, I've found, generally have their own agenda for doing so.

Cynical?  Me?

Most definitely.

Pass.

S
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: redglasscurls on 26 Feb 2009, 07:25
Ah but see, people come in here and ASK FOR ADVICE. I'm pretty sure that means it's solicited.
Take a joke.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 26 Feb 2009, 07:31
Guys, I think we need to look at this(skinnyfat's situation) from different perspectives.

Are your boyfriend and this girl close? Was the poem posted on Valentine's day?

If I did the whole myspace thing, and my friends did too, I can see posting love poems to them on Valentine's day, whether they were single or not. I can say without a doubt that I love my Davis and my Jake. Jake is the guy in the relationship that I mentioned previously.


I mean, can we just stop assuming the dude is a bad guy? Maybe he is just being a really good supportive friend. Either way, Skinnyfat, you need to say something to him. It makes you uncomfortable. Say something. 
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 20 jazz funk greats on 26 Feb 2009, 07:46
blah boy i used to be friends with benefits with doesn't seem too interested in normal friendship. i am not sure if this is because of the way he sees me and potential awkwardness that may occur between us or because he is just extremely busy with grad school and it is eating his social life and he doesn't hang out with anyone at all anymore.

either way, i am a little disappointed cause i think this could have been an awesome thing.  i'm not sure whether to try to explain this to him, or just drop it entirely so i don't seem creepy and overly persistent.

thoughts?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jace on 26 Feb 2009, 08:15
You are absolutely right Jon. In retrospect I find that I do not really talk about my love of music on the forums as much. I listen to all types of music, and I think I will find some concerts to go to instead of playing D&D friday nights. I mean, for god sake, what the fuck am I doing spending my friday nights playing fucking D&D? I am 19, I need to be going to parties and shit.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Gurkburk on 26 Feb 2009, 08:28
I liked this thread better when the makeout hobo (http://forums.questionablecontent.net/index.php/topic,16033.0.html) did it.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Professor Snuggles on 26 Feb 2009, 09:00
Pretty much everything is better when the makeout hobo does it.


Wish I still had the password to that account.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 26 Feb 2009, 09:07
I play D&D on Tuesday nights, I find that works much better for me.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: pulpfiction21 on 26 Feb 2009, 09:47
Why do my girlfriends keep getting pregnant and then claim that it's mine?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Reed on 26 Feb 2009, 09:53
Skinnyfat,
Right now I'm in a similar situation, except I'm the ex and I think I might have some insight into your situation. My ex and I are best friends, she knows me better than anyone else and she knows exactly how to help me when I'm having a problem. The guy she is dating now originally had a problem with how close we are, and he thought I was trying to win her back. In reality, I don't at all, and she doesn't want to be with me. Granted, neither of us has written a love poem to the other, but your boyfriend might just be trying to help his ex. Definitely talk to him about, but don't automatically assume that there's anything more to it than him trying to help someone because he's the best person to do it.

Now....on to my own problems. I was in said relationship for the better part of my undergraduate life, and I really feel like I missed out on a lot because of it. Now that I'm single I want to go out with bars, have fun, date lots of people, etc. The problem is that everyone in grad school (my friends especially) are all about being 'mature' and looking for serious relationships. If we go to the bar it's to sit in the corner and drink a couple of glasses of beer. It makes it really hard to meet women, especially since most of the women in my program are in long term relationships. So, oh mighty masters of love advice, what do I do?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 0bsessions on 26 Feb 2009, 14:56
I am surprised you fit through standard width doors.

And there are some of us other than you in happy, stable relationships, thank you.  And no offense, but I only take advice from people I solicit it from, and rarely take it from people who offer it.

Because those who offer it, I've found, generally have their own agenda for doing so.

Cynical?  Me?

Most definitely.

Pass.

S

Cynical's not the word I'm thinking. I'm thinking more overreactionary. Who are you again? And when was it you forgot how to take a joke?

Guys, I think we need to look at this(skinnyfat's situation) from different perspectives.

Are your boyfriend and this girl close? Was the poem posted on Valentine's day?

If I did the whole myspace thing, and my friends did too, I can see posting love poems to them on Valentine's day, whether they were single or not. I can say without a doubt that I love my Davis and my Jake. Jake is the guy in the relationship that I mentioned previously.


I mean, can we just stop assuming the dude is a bad guy? Maybe he is just being a really good supportive friend. Either way, Skinnyfat, you need to say something to him. It makes you uncomfortable. Say something. 

While it's counterproductive to just assume for no reason that the dude's up to mischief, general wisdom and the facts that are presented lead logically to the idea that the dude's up to mischief. He may not be, hence why she should confront him about it instead of just straight out dumping him. The guy, through intent or complete obliviousness, is not considering his girlfriend's feelings. I don't care how good of friends they are, it's inconsiderate of both him and his ex to not consider how his girlfriend of two plus years might feel about a rather sketchy situation such as this one.

Now....on to my own problems. I was in said relationship for the better part of my undergraduate life, and I really feel like I missed out on a lot because of it. Now that I'm single I want to go out with bars, have fun, date lots of people, etc. The problem is that everyone in grad school (my friends especially) are all about being 'mature' and looking for serious relationships. If we go to the bar it's to sit in the corner and drink a couple of glasses of beer. It makes it really hard to meet women, especially since most of the women in my program are in long term relationships. So, oh mighty masters of love advice, what do I do?

Honestly, part of this might be a mixture of your friends aren't considering your needs. It's not particularly difficult to carry on a serious relationship while living a mature lifestyle and still going out with your friends and making sure they have a good time. My friends did as much for me when I was single and I have since done as much for my friends since I came upon a relationship. What I would recommend is extending your social circle to include a couple more single friends who just want to have a good time. Nobody looks lamer than the dude sitting alone at a bar trying to talk to women. If you don't have any friends willing to go out and do that with you, you need more friends.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: MrBlu on 26 Feb 2009, 16:40
I liked this thread better when the makeout hobo (http://forums.questionablecontent.net/index.php/topic,16033.0.html) did it.
I just had an excellent idea, but I don't think it'll go over too well.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Guido Sarducci on 26 Feb 2009, 17:22
You are absolutely right Jon. In retrospect I find that I do not really talk about my love of music on the forums as much. I listen to all types of music, and I think I will find some concerts to go to instead of playing D&D friday nights. I mean, for god sake, what the fuck am I doing spending my friday nights playing fucking D&D? I am 19, I need to be going to parties and shit.

D&D is definitely better for Sunday afternoon and evening.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: october1983 on 26 Feb 2009, 17:46
Man I am reluctant to post about my love life on the internets but honestly advice might be a good idea.

I have a massive thing for my best friend and I do not know what to do. I have known her since I first started uni (so for about 2 1/2 years now), and have probably been attracted to her since the outset of our friendship. However, when we first met, I was still with my ex, and that breakup hit me pretty hard so I did not think about relationships for a while afterwards, and then I kept making excuses for not making moves and before I knew it we were incredibly close friends and saying anything felt dangerous. Around the time that would perhaps have been my best opportunity to tell her, she was having to deal with another mutual friend's unwanted advances and I did not really have the heart to potentially add more to that. Or maybe I was just making excuses again. Either way, I kept my mouth shut. I figure eventually I will get over it/meet someone else, but over 2 years down the line neither has really happened yet, despite a few unsuccessful attempts.

Anyway, we're coming to the end of our undergrad studies and everyone will be going their separate ways soon - she will most likely be staying in London, and I will either be making a short trip to Brighton or staying here too, but either way we will definitely end up seeing less of each other due to new circumstances, so the question is, do I:
a) Weather it out and hope that the extra distance and influx of new people in my life when we leave uni will help me move on.
or
b) Finally let her know how I feel, safe in the knowledge that even if it explodes in my face, it will only be a few months before we are all doing different things in different places.

Whatever happens, I do not want to ruin our friendship as it is the best thing, but at the same time maybe I should stop letting potential good things pass me by.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: onewheelwizzard on 26 Feb 2009, 18:12
Definitely let her know how you feel.

HOWEVER, and this is the hard part, you really should present it in a way that says "I'll be OK if I don't get together with you or anything."  And then you have to actually be OK with that.  The thing you really don't want to do here is drop your emotional health in her lap and say "From the moment I tell you that I'm really into you, I'm only going to be happy if things go my way and we get together ... if you don't return these feelings, I will be in a lot of pain and you will be the reason why."  That is what you absolutely totally do NOT want her to hear.

See the thing is, either the feeling is mutual or it isn't, and if it isn't, you really don't want her to feel bad about it.  That would be terrible because then you both would be feeling shitty ... her for not returning the feelings you have which are obviously so important to you, and you for making her feel shitty over something like that (and of course over not being with her).  So your optimal situation here is one in which she feels safe and comfortable with you even if she doesn't want to be with you.  That is what you are shooting for.  If she doesn't want to be with you, the LAST thing you want is for her to feel bad about that.

So basically you have to take responsibility for your feelings and make it clear that there's nothing wrong with whatever she might be feeling, but you have a lot of attraction to her.  It's a tricky business and I wish you the best of luck.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Guido Sarducci on 26 Feb 2009, 18:21
Whatever happens, I do not want to ruin our friendship as it is the best thing, but at the same time maybe I should stop letting potential good things pass me by.

I have had, and have, a lot of good friends. I have only had one great love. In my experience, you can often find good friends by being a nice guy and sharing your jelly beans once in a while. Love, however, is rare. And while it is a gamble, if I found a woman who excited me intellectually and I found her attractive, I would be willing to risk the friendship. I would also force myself to be honest--your relationship left the realm of friends when you became interested in her romantically.  That isn't hard and fast. I have had friends who I was attrected to and they knew it, and it was no big deal because attraction and timeliness and urgency don't often coincide. But if this is real to you, and it is not a short termgot the hots, and IF she is really your friend, you owe it to her to be honest about what is driving you.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lines on 26 Feb 2009, 19:23
So I met this guy and I had fun hanging out with him, but I have no real desire to do it again. I think I'm broken. Halp.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Guido Sarducci on 26 Feb 2009, 19:27
So I met this guy and I had fun hanging out with him, but I have no real desire to do it again. I think I'm broken. Halp.

You could start wearing dark clothing and cut yourself and snear a lot.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lines on 26 Feb 2009, 19:30
I wear dark clothing sometimes, I already get enough paper cuts as is, and I only sneer when people do stupid things. Please try again!
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Ozymandias on 26 Feb 2009, 19:34
It's because we're meant to be, Linds.

Obviously.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Gilead on 26 Feb 2009, 19:40
So I met this guy and I had fun hanging out with him, but I have no real desire to do it again. I think I'm broken. Halp.
He's ugly right? He's totally ugly.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lines on 26 Feb 2009, 19:41
Ozy - Obviously.

Gilead - He's not ugly, but I'm not attracted to him.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Guido Sarducci on 26 Feb 2009, 19:42
I wear dark clothing sometimes, I already get enough paper cuts as is, and I only sneer when people do stupid things. Please try again!

Do you have the appropriate tiny little car with no heater?


Do you totally need to be attracted to him? You could always close your eyes and hum Rule Britannia and think of cherry trees in the spring air...
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Ozymandias on 26 Feb 2009, 19:43
Linds, if you're not attracted to him, it can't be helped. It's just a thing.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lines on 26 Feb 2009, 19:47
Ok.

I have a spacious compact car with a rather good heating system. Also, my car does not bring all the boys to the yard, so let's not discuss the Blue Meanie.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Gilead on 26 Feb 2009, 19:47
Ozy - Obviously.

Gilead - He's not ugly, but I'm not attracted to him.

Oh right, totally, I getcha <|; ]
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Guido Sarducci on 26 Feb 2009, 19:52
Blue Meanie.
Is this a nickname for your car or something? The only blue meanie I can think of is the mushroom kind...
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Eris on 26 Feb 2009, 19:55
(http://m.blog.hu/tr/transfesser/image/blue_meanie.jpg)
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 26 Feb 2009, 19:56
but I'm not attracted

I don't think I've actually been attracted to someone since I was super-into this girl just about ten months ago now. I think it is due to other changes in my life-view as well as that, but I haven't felt that powerful crush or attraction I used to get. It is weird.
I mean, there have been a handful of ladies and I have liked them all in different ways to different degrees but I have not had that 'man I want to bone you and also date you and hang out with you and fuck maybe I could see myself settling down with you whatever let's give it a go eh?' feeling for a while.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lines on 26 Feb 2009, 19:57
(http://i19.photobucket.com/albums/b198/andthentherewaslindsey/blue_meanie.jpg)
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Guido Sarducci on 26 Feb 2009, 20:00
you have got to be kidding me. People still know what the Yellow Submarine is? I sudden;y don't feel so old  :-D

You know, slick makes some sense Linds. After my divorce I don't think I will be attracted to another woman for a long while. But that doesn't mean I can't go out on dates with people I'm not attracted to, right? I mean, a date for the dates sake isn't a bad thing. You don't always have to be consumed with the idea of falling i love or getting laid...
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jace on 27 Feb 2009, 01:29
I play D&D on Tuesday nights, I find that works much better for me.

We were playing on Monday nights, but two of the guys always had to leave early because they have college/work in the morning. And so they moved it to Friday, but I'm just totally unwilling to give up my Friday night to go sit in a room full of dudes.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Mr. Skawronska on 27 Feb 2009, 05:52
Quote
And when was it you forgot how to take a joke?

*looks at watch* What day is again it? *Hic*

Quote
D&D is definitely better for Sunday afternoon and evening.

*Looks at watch again* Damn!  Not this Sunday.  Gun Show in Tampa instead.  Anybody need anything?

S
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Iron_Fist on 27 Feb 2009, 06:53
Dear relationships thread. My problem is not so much that there is a girl I like, or that there is a girl who likes me, or that I am in a bad relationship. My problem is that there is nobody. How do I meet girls who are both attractive and intelligent? Answer me that, and I'll... Fuckin'... Do something impressive. And photograph it for you guys. It needs to be a good answer too. Nothin' half-arsed.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 27 Feb 2009, 07:51
Build a boat, build it tall and proud, pour into it your will and your drive; your personal strength of spirit will show in it and when people see it they will recognize that you are truly a noble soul, a man of actions and ability, a person of resource and motive, someone who can dream and someone who can see. And when the floods come, bitches be all linin' up to get in on the raft before the shit hits kno what i'm sayin'?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: pulpfiction21 on 27 Feb 2009, 08:30
Dear relationships thread. My problem is not so much that there is a girl I like, or that there is a girl who likes me, or that I am in a bad relationship. My problem is that there is nobody. How do I meet girls who are both attractive and intelligent? Answer me that, and I'll... Fuckin'... Do something impressive. And photograph it for you guys. It needs to be a good answer too. Nothin' half-arsed.


Post an ad on craigslist. Full proof.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 0bsessions on 27 Feb 2009, 09:04
Dear relationships thread. My problem is not so much that there is a girl I like, or that there is a girl who likes me, or that I am in a bad relationship. My problem is that there is nobody. How do I meet girls who are both attractive and intelligent? Answer me that, and I'll... Fuckin'... Do something impressive. And photograph it for you guys. It needs to be a good answer too. Nothin' half-arsed.

Insufficient data.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: MrBlu on 27 Feb 2009, 11:50
but I'm not attracted

I don't think I've actually been attracted to someone since I was super-into this girl just about ten months ago now. I think it is due to other changes in my life-view as well as that, but I haven't felt that powerful crush or attraction I used to get. It is weird.
I mean, there have been a handful of ladies and I have liked them all in different ways to different degrees but I have not had that 'man I want to bone you and also date you and hang out with you and fuck maybe I could see myself settling down with you whatever let's give it a go eh?' feeling for a while.
Dude I know exactly what you mean. Not since she came out to me. :oops:
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: J-cob9000 on 27 Feb 2009, 15:49
I liked this thread better when Midnight Umbreon (http://forums.questionablecontent.net/index.php/topic,20883.0.html) did it.

I searched for this thread and I laughed at it.
I
typed
kind of like
this.
It was
incredibly
annoying looking
.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Guido Sarducci on 27 Feb 2009, 16:44
Say it ain't so, Joe!
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: J-cob9000 on 27 Feb 2009, 16:57
I'm still in Be My Head's signature though.
That's what the purpose of that thread was.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: nobo on 28 Feb 2009, 12:05
Jeans,

A lot of people already gave you suggestions for hobbies, but I'm going to throw my 2 cents anyway. I would suggest joining a gym and making a serious commitment to go regularly. Not only will you get stronger and healthier, but working our releases hormones (endorphins?) that make you feel good.  After a few weeks you will notice your body changing and the progress will encourage you to work even harder. I go around the same time of day every time I go and always run into the same people every time and have started to make a few friendships there. There are plenty of girls to talk to/look at, especially if you decide on a yoga, pilates, or spinning class.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: ackblom12 on 28 Feb 2009, 12:19
Not always the case Nobo, some people just genuinely despise excersise for the sake of excersise, which is why so many gym memberships fail so miserably. Doesn't matter for some people if they start seeing results or not. It really does sound like his best bet involves a fun hobby that happens to have a side effect of being physically demanding.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: nobo on 28 Feb 2009, 12:45
I think if you go into it with the right attitude and have reasonable goals, then it can be very rewarding. However, I am only speaking of my experience, and I certainly can't speak for anyone else. I just suggested the gym as a way of doing a physically demanding hobby and surrounded yourself with people doing the same thing. Stuff like cycling or running seem very solitary unless you look for clubs or groups of people to do it with.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: snalin on 28 Feb 2009, 13:02
jens whatever you do, please please please do not buy any books claiming they will teach you what women really want or how to get any lady you want and thus improve your confidence vastly.  they offer horrible advice, and i am convinced that every guy who actually takes them seriously ends up turning into a huge dick.

Ahaha, I actually did this once. Not so much far advice to see what it was about though. I read five pages before thinking "man, this guy is an asshole" so I went and got my money back.

Thanks for the advice, folks! hobby it is. I have no idea what it is going to be though.

I just had to go back and reply to this.

Check out Oslo VŠpenleikr.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Owbb52innXE

I do this. It's made out of awesome and cookies. And swords.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Shaztastic on 28 Feb 2009, 14:20
Jens Jens Jens! Parkour! do it now! it's an originally french activity; seriously, it's really cool. it's hard to explain though. to simplify it greatly, it's the art of getting from point A to point B in the most efficient way possible (vault over that fence instead of walking around it etc.). I've been described as a street ninja before, which i decide to take as a compliment. It's not the most amazingly well-known thing, which makes it cool i guess! It's a very physical activity, and you get a good workout without feeling like you're dying. also, it really turns heads in public, usually in a "woah-did-you-see-that-i-want-to-get-to-know-that-dude" kind of way. here is a youtube video showing off Parkour and Freerunning, which is, in a simplified description, Parkour but with flips and whatnot (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WEeqHj3Nj2c). also, here is a good website with a forum and tons of articles and stuff (http://www.americanparkour.com/). If I remember correctly, you live in Norway not America, but it's a great site. I hope you give it a try, the world needs more traceurs and traceuses! (french for parkourist and lady-parkourist, respectively).

Also, on a more on-topic note, I was going to post some of my common girl issues, but then I realized i'm in high school and high-school relationships don't really follow much in the way of logic. If i find a specific problem, I'll post it.



PARKOUR PARKOUR PARKOUR! seriously i was thinking this reading the thread and am glad you brought it up. it's hell impressive i'd do it but i'm not in shape at all. but it's amazing
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 28 Feb 2009, 14:36
So my date cancelled on me. And I got pissed, and said "whatevs, that's fine." And now I have no one to go to Watchmen with. And I am grouchy about it, and bitterly single. And I think my whole movie experience is ruined now.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: pwhodges on 28 Feb 2009, 14:42
Go with your implant, and be happy!
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 28 Feb 2009, 14:54
I can't make out with my implant. :(
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: pulpfiction21 on 28 Feb 2009, 15:34
I've made out with at least 3 implants. People said that I couldnt do it.....but i did......Oh but I did.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 28 Feb 2009, 15:49
Mine is in the middle on my chest. My tongue could probably reach it, but I should get it all gunky with my mouth goo.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 28 Feb 2009, 16:08
What's wrong with "mouth goo"?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: pulpfiction21 on 28 Feb 2009, 16:41
you have an implant in the middle of your chest? what kind of reactions does that get?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 28 Feb 2009, 17:13
Its just a tiny silver disc, looks like a little nail head sticking out of my chest. So far reactions have been pretty varied, from "oh wow that's awesome!" to "oh god..did it ever occur to you that that might be a bad idea? Ugh"
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Darkbluerabbit on 28 Feb 2009, 17:28
Pulpfiction, <a href="http://wiki.bmezine.com/index.php/Microdermal>this is a microdermal.[/url]  They are sort of like piercings, and very different from the bags of saline to make boobs bigger kind of implant.  They are really cool, if you're into that sort of thing.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Gilead on 28 Feb 2009, 17:47
What's wrong with "mouth goo"?

Well maybe you're an alien in disguise and you drip alien slime from your mouth instead.

Also answer your dang pm so I can draw you.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: MrBlu on 28 Feb 2009, 17:59
Its just a tiny silver disc, looks like a little nail head sticking out of my chest. So far reactions have been pretty varied, from "oh wow that's awesome!" to "oh god..did it ever occur to you that that might be a bad idea? Ugh"
Reading that explaination, it sounds like a really bad idea. Looking at one, it seems much cooler.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: pulpfiction21 on 28 Feb 2009, 20:09
Pulpfiction, <a href="http://wiki.bmezine.com/index.php/Microdermal>this is a microdermal.[/url]  They are sort of like piercings, and very different from the bags of saline to make boobs bigger kind of implant.  They are really cool, if you're into that sort of thing.

Obviously I'm an idiot for not automatically thinking that that was the kind of implant that was being discussed. My mind just goes straight to boobs on everything.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 28 Feb 2009, 21:32
I love my implant. It's pretty good damn awesome as hell. I want three more.




But anyway....

So obviously, I need relationship help. I have tried everything. Except going out in the real world and meeting people. Firstly, I live in a small town. There are no clubs, no venues, nothing. I live a block away from main street, which has three bars, I'm only 20, so I can't go to them quite yet. I'm socially awkward. I have a hard time talking to people, I can't start conversations with people on my own, and when people talk to me, I feel like they think I'm a horribly mean person, because I am terribly sarcastic, and can be a bit defensive.

So how should I go about meeting people?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Juxtaposition on 28 Feb 2009, 21:47
Dear relationship thread:

During the summer, I work with the Northwest Youth Corps, building trail and doing conservation work and such. We live in tents and work 40 hours a week and live in crews of 10 people between the ages of 16 and 19 for 5 weeks. And during my last session (fall), I fell head over heels for a guy on my crew. At the same time, we got to be really good friends. It was a very happy 5 weeks. We had many adventures and it was a very happy 5 weeks. But he's not a shy person, and I'm sure that if he liked me that way he would have said something... But it's been 4 months and I can't seem to get over him. I've been tempted to tell him a billion times but I really don't want to risk a strong friendship. At the same time, I kind of feel like I'm keeping secrets from a friend by not telling him and I simply can't move on. What should I do?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Masterbainter on 01 Mar 2009, 08:25
how close(distance) are you from this guy? 

It's alright to have crushes on people and especially at the age range you stated.  It happens all the time.  The only persons fault for this crush is yourself though.   So take the initiative and ask him to a lunch(if he's close enough).  After maybe a couple platonic dates ask him to something a little more romantic if you still haven't figured out his feelings for you.  At the romantic dinner you'll figure it out.

He might be a little weirded out by your pursuit of him, but most likely he'll understand unless he's immensly immature.  I'm pretty sure he'll have no problem being you friend after you pursuit.  The only person ending the friendship will be yourself.  If you are shut down, it will be you who decides to keep talking to him on the level that you already have.  Will you? 

You just never know, maybe he's in the same boat you are.  Even the most outgoing people don't just ask people out they really like right away.   Take the risk and find out, or you will always wonder.(heartbreak from not getting with a crush is so much easier to deal with rather than months or years of wondering.)  It'll be your decision to conintue this "great friendship" afterwards.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Masterbainter on 01 Mar 2009, 08:40

But anyway....

So obviously, I need relationship help. I have tried everything. Except going out in the real world and meeting people. Firstly, I live in a small town. There are no clubs, no venues, nothing. I live a block away from main street, which has three bars, I'm only 20, so I can't go to them quite yet. I'm socially awkward. I have a hard time talking to people, I can't start conversations with people on my own, and when people talk to me, I feel like they think I'm a horribly mean person, because I am terribly sarcastic, and can be a bit defensive.

So how should I go about meeting people?

It seems you may be struggling with not running into the same people in your immediate area that interest you.  If you want to possible meet new people though, just do it!  Make it a point to smile and talk to people.  Some stuff below about carrying a conversation.

You can say, "Hi, how are you doing?" (it doesn't have to sound sleezy)"Hello, how is your day"... 

There's some great help out there for people that struggle with the basic of real life interaction of conversations.  It's really so much simpler then you think it is, which is probably exactly why you feel you can't have one.

3 easy things to remember

1) keep it simple
2) listen and respond accordingly
3) SMILE!

if your goal is to meet new people in this small town you live in, then do it.  If you are looking for someone like yourself and don't think there is a reason to around your area, you will find yourself wondering, "Why can't I seem to be in a relationship".

People are so much easier than you think.  Just make is a goal to test the waters, there's lots of fish to attempt at catching!

http://www.wikihow.com/Have-a-Great-Conversation


Edit: Add: just had to throw in there... Grocery store, on your way to work, the gas station is perfectly fine places to practice these skills and even possibly make some friends!  I know small communities can seem daunting with their lack of clubs and such.  Just go and do it!
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: valley_parade on 01 Mar 2009, 08:46
I love that that guy is trying to give relationship advice.

Next thread: I tell you how to become a professional golfer.


(dear Emaline,

I could go watch Watchmen with you! None of my friends ever invite me to movies.  :oops: )
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Masterbainter on 01 Mar 2009, 08:52
I love that the only thing you can post is demeaning someone trying to help.

(dear Emaline,

I could go watch Watchmen with you! None of my friends ever invite me to movies.  :oops: )

Gee.. I can't possibly figure out why that would be.   :roll:
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: valley_parade on 01 Mar 2009, 08:59
Mostly they're assholes.

And I'm broke and haven't been able to afford a movie in 3 years.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Masterbainter on 01 Mar 2009, 09:13
Yeah, going out to a good theatre is really expensive.  I live in Sodak.. A movie with large popcorn and a large soda is 30ish bux for two people, at our better theatre here.

Birds of a feather.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 01 Mar 2009, 09:16
VP, I'd love to go to Watchmen with you.


Masterbainter, I can't read your posts because of the way you talk about women in general. It disgusts me. I feel really sorry for the women in your life.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: valley_parade on 01 Mar 2009, 09:25
^That.

Also, buddy. I don't have a job. It's hard to afford a $30 night out when you're making like 10 bucks a week on a good week.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Masterbainter on 01 Mar 2009, 09:31
I know, I was agreeing with how expensive they are.  In fact, I was pointing out I come from the lowest wage state and it's still fucking expensive.   :-P

Emaline, I'm sorry you feel that way.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: pulpfiction21 on 01 Mar 2009, 09:34
Emaline, what keeps you in this small town that you live you?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 01 Mar 2009, 10:12
Three things:

1. My year lease that I signed in February.
2. I can't afford anything else(minimum wage 40 hours a week is still minimum wage)
3. My job
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: pulpfiction21 on 01 Mar 2009, 11:15
leases suck. I lived in a small town till i turned 18 and then i got the fuck out of there. I left with whatever i could fit in my car, including an air mattress to sleep on and moved in with a guy (roommate) that i had met only once. Best thing I have ever done. My only advice for finding people that you might be interested in is move to a bigger city whenever you can. Go with nothing if you have to, create your own opportunities.

But then again I had no problem saying bye to everyone I knew in town including my job. I can understand why people might not be able to do that.

Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: MrBlu on 01 Mar 2009, 21:12
boobs on everything.
I hear ya' man.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Krina on 02 Mar 2009, 02:55
Serious questions:

So I'm dating this new guy and apparently we're both equally smitten. I'm thinking I might actually want to keep him around for a little while so I don't want to blow it.

How soon is it appropriate to have sex? (I always used to do it pretty much straight away, but a cohort of people tells me that's NOT the way to do it, so I'm confused.)

How soon am I supposed to tell him I'm a nutcase? I don't feel comfortable with people knowing this as one of the first things about me, and I neither want to frighten him away nor lead him on. But my issues (I'm bipolar with pretty much crippling depression, have an anxiety disorder and a number of surrounding issues) are hugely impacting on my day-to-day life right now so I'm wondering how upfront I shoud feel obliged to be?

Thanks!
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jimmy the Squid on 02 Mar 2009, 04:17
Interesting!

The appropriate time to have sex (it is never while on a bus) is pretty much different for everyone. I know couples that had sex on the first date and are still going strong two years later and I've known couples who stayed together for several years without ever having sex (with each other at least). It is safe to say that it is ok to have sex after at least 4 dates, or one month of going out.

As for your psychological issues, they could be a pretty big thing and you may want to tell the dude before you have sex with his body. If you tell him after he may feel strange about it and freak out (because guys can be odd sometimes!) either way if anything eventuates from the whole thing he's going to find out eventually and may not appreciate you hiding it from him. Probably a good idea to bring it up when you guys have The Talk.*



*The Talk is where you have that really awkward conversation that essentially boils down to:
Are you my boyfriend?
Yep. Are you my girlfriend?
Yep.
...Good talk.

The Talk is usually a good place to bring up any concerns you might have like intended long term travel plans, mental or emotional difficulties and crazy ex-partners who have a penchant for axes and screaming.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Josefbugman on 02 Mar 2009, 04:41
Just an open question to everyone but are relationships really that good? I mean I have only been in two (three if you count holding hands with a girl in year six) and I can't help but be vaguely confussed by it all, all I have ever felt in a relationship is "she is nice, hugging is nice, but at the moment I don't know if I love her and I feel like I am being suffocated by it all". Is that normal or is it just me?

Also I am kind of happy without a relationship and can sort of see myself being like this for a good long time, possibly forever, is that normal too?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: pwhodges on 02 Mar 2009, 04:55
Basically, you won't get it till you get it - and you can't tell when that will be, nor make it happen faster or when you choose.  But yes, there is something to be got.  Meanwhile, just go with the flow.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: pulpfiction21 on 02 Mar 2009, 06:18

Also I am kind of happy without a relationship and can sort of see myself being like this for a good long time, possibly forever, is that normal too?

Nothing is wrong with that. lots of people don't ever get settled down with anyone, i mean look at the show Seinfeld.

Most people do date though, just for the sexual aspects of the relationship, but that is only necessary if you enjoy sex.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 0bsessions on 02 Mar 2009, 09:14
How soon is it appropriate to have sex? (I always used to do it pretty much straight away, but a cohort of people tells me that's NOT the way to do it, so I'm confused.)

Ignore your friends. Have sex when you feel like having sex. My girlfriend and I had sex the second time we ever even hung out and it was maybe an hour or two after our first kiss. Plus, we were completely drunk. Not the exact way I would recommend it, but with someone you really connect with, the timing is irrelevant, as long as you're sexually and emotionally compatible. Jump his bones whenever you feel like it, those people don't know what they're talking about.

[QUOTE[How soon am I supposed to tell him I'm a nutcase? I don't feel comfortable with people knowing this as one of the first things about me, and I neither want to frighten him away nor lead him on. But my issues (I'm bipolar with pretty much crippling depression, have an anxiety disorder and a number of surrounding issues) are hugely impacting on my day-to-day life right now so I'm wondering how upfront I shoud feel obliged to be?
[/quote]

More than two weeks, but less than a month and after you've had sex is my recommendation. As a man, I'm genuinely more inclined to let eccentricities and the like slip by if I'm getting good sex. That said, having that shit suddenly pop up on you AFTER you've already gotten used to someone can kill the flow of a relationship and I've never been one to appreciate it. You want to get most of that out of the way early in a rather clinical manner, around the same time you discuss how official you are. Don't go blurting all your secrets, as that's a major turn off, but you should at the least describe it as you've described it to us. Just let him know you've got some psychological issues, chief among them depression and anxiety, and be honest about the severity. If you think you feel strongly for the guy, it is very much your obligation to let him know exactly what he's getting into before he's emotionally invested, not after. I've had girls spring their major emotional issues on me after I'd already emotionally invested myself and it's a pretty big violation in my mind. Let him come to his own conclusions with a sufficient amount of evidence about your personality. Keeping it too long also runs the risk of him changing your mind after you yourself are too emotionally invested, thus hurting you more if he decides it's more than he can handle.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Professor Snuggles on 02 Mar 2009, 10:43
So a girl I like spent the night the other day. She assured me she doesn't do one night stands, but she also has vella ex-boyfriend issues, and I have a habit of fucking things up.How do I male this work? Do I call her, or just wait to run into her, which I will probably do sooner rather than later? How long to wait before I call? How long do people wait before having sex? Two dates so far, and I mean I have some patience, but who knows how much.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: pulpfiction21 on 02 Mar 2009, 11:20
wow, second date and the girl already spent the night? That doesnt sound like someone who doesnt do one night stands to me.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Professor Snuggles on 02 Mar 2009, 13:22
You never went to college, did you.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Dazed on 02 Mar 2009, 13:37
Staying over ≠ fucking.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: pulpfiction21 on 02 Mar 2009, 13:41
i'm in college right now. good job though.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Krina on 02 Mar 2009, 13:48
Thanks for your advice, guys. :) I really appreciate it.

I'm not sure what to do about your contradictive advice. I guess that The Talk is a good place to voice any concerns, I mostly have The Talks after having had sex at least once though. Maybe I'll just let him know that there is something I need to tell him and ask at want point he wants to know about it, I'm known to be pretty upfront about things.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Professor Snuggles on 02 Mar 2009, 13:55
i'm in college right now. good job though.

I'm trying to think up a witty comeback, something about how Brigham Young university doesn't count, or maybe criticizing your knowledge of women, but mostly it is not so much with the being worth it.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: benji on 02 Mar 2009, 14:08
Thanks for your advice, guys. :) I really appreciate it.

I'm not sure what to do about your contradictive advice. I guess that The Talk is a good place to voice any concerns, I mostly have The Talks after having had sex at least once though. Maybe I'll just let him know that there is something I need to tell him and ask at want point he wants to know about it, I'm known to be pretty upfront about things.

If you're going to do that, you'd probably better be prepared that he's going to ask to know right then. And if he doesn't, be prepared that he's probably trying to respect your privacy, but at the same time obsessively reviewing all the worst case things it could be. If you tell him that there's something you'll need to discuss at some point, but don't discuss it then, expect him to spend the next several dates looking at you and thinking "she doesn't look like she used to be man, does she?"
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: pulpfiction21 on 02 Mar 2009, 14:19

I'm trying to think up a witty comeback, something about how Brigham Young university doesn't count, or maybe criticizing your knowledge of women, but mostly it is not so much with the being worth it.

lol dont know what makes you think that BYU doesnt count as a college, or that I would ever go to BYU. Also, i'm in an almost 3 year relationship with my girlfriend, and we are about to have our first child.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Professor Snuggles on 02 Mar 2009, 14:29
Oh okay that explains a lot.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: KvP on 02 Mar 2009, 14:47
Interesting!

The appropriate time to have sex (it is never while on a bus) is pretty much different for everyone. I know couples that had sex on the first date and are still going strong two years later and I've known couples who stayed together for several years without ever having sex (with each other at least). It is safe to say that it is ok to have sex after at least 4 dates, or one month of going out.

As for your psychological issues, they could be a pretty big thing and you may want to tell the dude before you have sex with his body. If you tell him after he may feel strange about it and freak out (because guys can be odd sometimes!) either way if anything eventuates from the whole thing he's going to find out eventually and may not appreciate you hiding it from him. Probably a good idea to bring it up when you guys have The Talk.*



*The Talk is where you have that really awkward conversation that essentially boils down to:
Are you my boyfriend?
Yep. Are you my girlfriend?
Yep.
...Good talk.

The Talk is usually a good place to bring up any concerns you might have like intended long term travel plans, mental or emotional difficulties and crazy ex-partners who have a penchant for axes and screaming.
I'm going to agree with Jimmy here. Some people, and this includes both men and women, see sex as the sort of thing that puts a foot in the doorway of a more significant sort of relationship. So as a general rule it helps to be honest before you get to that point, or else you might illicit resentment from the other party (he might think, for example, that you were "trying to get your hooks in him" and deceiving him) Conversely it could be no big thing to him. But your opinion on this matters just as much as his does. It has to feel right on both ends, no?

So give it some time if you have to. And for god's sake, don't use the word "nutcase". You may feel as though you're fucked up at the moment, but if you present yourself as such, and present these problems as these huge things that define you, it's going to be a turn off. Make it clear that you have these issues but that you are doing what you can to work through them. You don't want to give the impression that being with you means always being on your guard and always having the gloves on and having the utmost consideration for your mental state. That's not really a relationship, that's more of a... bomb scare, a hostage situation. Honestly if these problems define your life and you are not able to handle them day to day then it's probably advisable that you not get into a relationship, and find a good therapist. But if you think you can function, and have a good relationship in spite of these things (and lots of people can), then you need to emphasize that when you tell him. Say "I have problems x, y and z. I get sad and anxious a lot but when we're together I'm going to do my best to have fun with you and be happy." Don't say "I have problems x, y and z. I am totally crazy, I hope that's okay with you." Significant others have a certain obligation to support their partners but there's only so much they should be expected to do. They are not parents or psychiatrists. The point of a relationship ought to be the pursuit of happiness, not restoration of sanity.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Krina on 02 Mar 2009, 16:12

If you're going to do that, you'd probably better be prepared that he's going to ask to know right then. And if he doesn't, be prepared that he's probably trying to respect your privacy, but at the same time obsessively reviewing all the worst case things it could be. If you tell him that there's something you'll need to discuss at some point, but don't discuss it then, expect him to spend the next several dates looking at you and thinking "she doesn't look like she used to be man, does she?"

Yeah, I shave twice every day to avoid the five-o'clock-shadow, I guess I'm a pretty convincing girl!

I guess I'll have to talk to him about it, I'll try to avoid the term "nutcase" although I often use terms like "nutcase" and "crazy" in a flippant way because I get some amusement out of it and sadly, amusement obviously isn't always abundant at my house. If things don't work out with the Scottich boy, I might try to find people who are into the whole "crazy" angle and who like sex with people in straightjackets, who knows!
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: KvP on 02 Mar 2009, 16:20
There seems to be widespread agreement on a negative correlation between mental health and sexual prowess. So you've got that going for you.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 0bsessions on 02 Mar 2009, 16:53
Seriously. I cannot stress enough that sex with crazy girls is generally top notch sex.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: pen on 02 Mar 2009, 18:13
Is it better to be crazy or not good at sex?  I'm trying to decide how I want to be offended here...
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: KvP on 02 Mar 2009, 18:18
A happy medium must be struck.

Like, an agoraphobe who gives really good oral. I'd date that girl.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Dazed on 02 Mar 2009, 18:18
Hey now, in his defense, he never said that non-crazy girls can't be good at sex.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Guido Sarducci on 02 Mar 2009, 22:59
Yeah, I shave twice every day to avoid the five-o'clock-shadow, I guess I'm a pretty convincing girl!

I guess I'll have to talk to him about it, I'll try to avoid the term "nutcase" although I often use terms like "nutcase" and "crazy" in a flippant way because I get some amusement out of it and sadly, amusement obviously isn't always abundant at my house. If things don't work out with the Scottich boy, I might try to find people who are into the whole "crazy" angle and who like sex with people in straightjackets, who knows!

Krina--DO NOT refer to yourself as a nutjob or crazy or whatever except in your doctor's office if you need to. It is bad for their image of you no matter how funny it may seem. And it is bad for YOUR image of you. No mater how funny it may seem. Being BP and having anxiety issues do not make you a freak. It's a big enough issue without making it worse by driving away people who would otherwise think you'd be a valuable friend, neh? Besides. A better term is batshit insane.  :wink: And you can't have THAT term. I reserve its use for myself alone. :laugh:

Seriously. I cannot stress enough that sex with crazy girls is generally top notch sex.

Not true at all. Sex with genuinely well adjusted women is fucking awesome too. They might not degrade themselves for you, but they know what they want and THEY GO OUT AND GET IT.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 0bsessions on 03 Mar 2009, 09:30
It seems reading comprehension has taken a dip here. Crazy women being top notch at sex and sane women being good at sex are not mutually exclusive statements.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: snalin on 03 Mar 2009, 11:34
Seriously. I cannot stress enough that sex with crazy girls is generally top notch sex.

This is good advice.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Professor Snuggles on 03 Mar 2009, 11:56
Dammit Jon, what am I going to do about my problems?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Krina on 03 Mar 2009, 12:14

Like, an agoraphobe who gives really good oral. I'd date that girl.

That girl is basically me. Are you single? ;)


Guido, you're probably right. I just find it pretty tempting to be inappropriate at times. As I am a girl, bi, Jewish, blonde, tall and have mental issues, I think I'm allowed to make jokes about all of these.
Will you pleeaase let me use your term? Pretty please?

Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 0bsessions on 03 Mar 2009, 12:16
Dammit Jon, what am I going to do about my problems?

Ignore them and visit the nearest mental health clinic.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: MrBlu on 03 Mar 2009, 12:39

Like, an agoraphobe who gives really good oral. I'd date that girl.

That girl is basically me. Are you single? ;)


Guido, you're probably right. I just find it pretty tempting to be inappropriate at times. As I am a girl, bi, Jewish, blonde, tall and have mental issues, I think I'm allowed to make jokes about all of these.
Will you pleeaase let me use your term? Pretty please?


Yeah, for some reason, that definitely sounds like something I could get behind. Literally and metaphorically.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Masterbainter on 05 Mar 2009, 02:02
Okay I'm going to be blunt here.  I'll take your opinions on my situation, althought I already know what i'll probably end up doing.

Edit:  I need to rephrase this...

Girlfriend and I mostly happy with eachother.  Girlfriend will bring up problems randomly and I'll just tell her to deal with them and she really doesn't give me any pushback on it.  I feel like an ass for doing this, and think she doesn't deserve that.  However, I'm not in the point in my life where I feel I need someone else's problems on my mind.  I'm sure eventually the relationship will fail out and whatever, but i'm tryign to decide if I should just let her go before stuff gets to serious.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: tweetles on 05 Mar 2009, 03:35
Well it depends, do you still actually want to be with her?
If yes, and the issue is that you cant handle anyones elses shit but your own, then be honest about that and let her decide if shes cool with that.
And if you dont want to be with her, then well don't.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: ViolentDove on 05 Mar 2009, 05:28
Oh yeah I meant to post in here.

What are peoples' opinions of the socially acceptable time period after breaking up with someone to start making golf-related innuendo with the opposite sex?

(The relationship was a pretty serious three and a half year one, in case there's some kind of sliding scale)
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: pen on 05 Mar 2009, 05:31
I think it also depends on how long the relationship was dead before it ended.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: ViolentDove on 05 Mar 2009, 05:37
About a half-year. But no-one really knew about it except for me and her, for reasons I can't really go into.

(I'd put in a sad face right here if I was inclined to use smilies)

Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Gilead on 05 Mar 2009, 05:45
Oh yeah I meant to post in here.

What are peoples' opinions of the socially acceptable time period after breaking up with someone to start making golf-related innuendo with the opposite sex?

(The relationship was a pretty serious three and a half year one, in case there's some kind of sliding scale)


37 minutes.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 0bsessions on 05 Mar 2009, 11:08
Oh yeah I meant to post in here.

What are peoples' opinions of the socially acceptable time period after breaking up with someone to start making golf-related innuendo with the opposite sex?

(The relationship was a pretty serious three and a half year one, in case there's some kind of sliding scale)

There's no clear indicator. It's basically just whenever you feel comfortable doing as such. Certain variables to assuage one's conscience can be factored in, such as who initiated the breakup and how long the writing was on the wall (As Rachel mentioned), plus how much or little either of you cares about the other at this point. If it was dead in the water for six months as you mention, you were pretty much good to go about ten minutes after the official breakup, in terms of moral standing. As it stands, you should basically just starting talking to women whenever it is you feel like talking to women. Don't rush it, but don't put it off out of some misplaced fairness to your ex. She's your ex for a reason, no point in letting that hold you back from getting on with your life.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Barmymoo on 05 Mar 2009, 12:50
If you are honest with yourself and you know that you are rebounding and therefore probably being unfair to the new person it might be best to hold off. I messed up what was actually a fantastic relationship because I rushed into it for all the wrong reasons and I still regret that. On the other hand sometimes you just meet someone and it works and the fact that you only just came out of another relationship doesn't make any difference, it just works. So have a proper think and know that you are going into things for the right reasons (or at least being honest with yourself and the other person about what your reasons are).
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: MrBlu on 05 Mar 2009, 13:46
Okay I'm going to be blunt here.  I'll take your opinions on my situation, althought I already know what i'll probably end up doing.

Edit:  I need to rephrase this...

Girlfriend and I mostly happy with eachother.  Girlfriend will bring up problems randomly and I'll just tell her to deal with them and she really doesn't give me any pushback on it.  I feel like an ass for doing this, and think she doesn't deserve that.  However, I'm not in the point in my life where I feel I need someone else's problems on my mind.  I'm sure eventually the relationship will fail out and whatever, but i'm tryign to decide if I should just let her go before stuff gets to serious.
... If your girlfriend can't go to you for comfort/help, you're not serving much purpose and you're only making that relationship toxic.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 05 Mar 2009, 23:05
So here is my problem:

I am hugely in crush with my best friend. And when I am high, we totally flirt. He lives forevers away right now, and comes home every now and then and we totally party it up. We've never been around each other while high, and mainly communicate via ims, which is where the flirting comes in. He is the only person I've ever felt even 99% comfortable around. He is awesome and great and I love him.

My other friend, who is also awesome and great and who I go to for advice on everything says that my life is too complicated and crappy right now to make it anymore difficult. And that I shouldn't even attempt to do anything with him.

What should I do, Internet?? What should I doooo???
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Guido Sarducci on 05 Mar 2009, 23:59
Violent Dove:When you want to, it is appropriate. It might not be good for you but it's your life. Enjoy it.


Emaline: You're 20. Bang the drum. You'll have time to be old when you get there.

Ya'll, life is to damned short to be worrying about shit like this at your age. As far as I know, until you hit about 25 there are two simple rules:

1) use protection- A condom is best, but the pill will at least keep you from getting knocked up. AIDS doesn't quit just because you don't want to think about it.
2) don't lie about what you want.

everything else is pretty much fine as long as you aren't genuinely mentally ill. And even then the odds are that a relationship will force you out of your confort zone and help you in the long run.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: pen on 06 Mar 2009, 04:13
So after you hit 25, you should stop being safe and start lying about what you want.  Got it. 
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jace on 06 Mar 2009, 04:58
J0n! Be careful, unless you are older than 25. Then it's okay.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 0bsessions on 06 Mar 2009, 06:18
Honestly, Emaline, I have to agree with your friends. Your posts indicate to me that your life is often melodramatic enough, making a pass at your best friend is going to make that a lot worse.

Jace, I'll be twenty-five in about two and a half weeks, so my life is effectively over.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: benji on 06 Mar 2009, 06:27
So after you hit 25, you should stop being safe and start lying about what you want.  Got it. 

Man, I'm a year and half behind on unsafe sex and personal dishonesty. I better get moving.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: pulpfiction21 on 06 Mar 2009, 06:29


1) use protection- A condom is best, but the pill will at least keep you from getting knocked up.


Just wanted to correct this statement. The pill is about 99.7% effective, if used perfectly. But the typical usage of it leads to an 8% failure rate. Nothing will keep you from getting knocked up except not banging.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 06 Mar 2009, 07:20
Honestly, Emaline, I have to agree with your friends. Your posts indicate to me that your life is often melodramatic enough, making a pass at your best friend is going to make that a lot worse.


See, one side of me is saying "he already knows about how crap your life is. He's often the first to hear about it. And your life is going to be forever crap, so you might as well have someone to play with and snuggle up to. Plus, with him being gone most of the time, it'll give you a better chance of keeping in line and not arguing with him for no reason."

But the other half of me is saying "jesus, Emaline, how can you be so dumb? He is your best friend. Anything more and you'll ruin everything. Wouldn't you rather have someone to talk to than someone to make out with? Stop thinking with your pants. You know how you are in relationships, and you'll just argue with him all the time. And why would you want to get anyone involved in your life?   If you care about him so much, you won't get him involved in your crap."

So I am torn.  Don't want a boyfriend, but I'd like someone to snuggle and play with, and I'd prefer that we had some sort of an emotional bond. And I know that's what he wants too(because we've talked about this). And I think it'd be great with the distance. But then I don't know. I don't want to screw him over emotionally, you know? He's my best friend, and I don't want anyone to hurt him. Especially me.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: benji on 06 Mar 2009, 07:29
In my experience, distance doesn't reduce the number of arguments. If anything, arguments come easier.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: MrBlu on 06 Mar 2009, 13:54
personally, I hate the prospect of getting close to a best friend. Because if something happens, God forbid, you haven't just lost your boyfriend, you've also lost your best friend. Which sucks.

And this is me who can't even speak to the girl who he liked more than anything.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Scandanavian War Machine on 06 Mar 2009, 14:30
life is to damned short to be worrying about shit like this at your age.

i never understood this sentiment. life is the single longest thing any of us will ever do.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lise on 06 Mar 2009, 14:39
So guys, I have come back from my posting hiatus to offer you my problems! Hah hah

I also have self esteem issues because I will never be as sexy as this man: http://img502.imageshack.us/img502/6960/niccagebirdhair.jpg

Kidding! All jokes aside, I've been in this "relation-dateship thing" for over a year now, and I'm quite frustrated because we haven't progressed any farther than the dating stage. The guy I'm seeing is the closed off type, and since I want to respect his space and not pressure him into anything, I find it real difficult to approach him about any "issues." Issues such as the fact that I've caught him speaking to his ex, and he's openly lied about it, or whether or not we're a legitimate "couple" or just people who hook up regularly.

Hence all my insecurity and pointless jealousy and feeling like a crazyperson because I can't deal properly. Whee for internalizing negative thoughts!

I am pretty smitten with the guy, which is why it's so damn difficult to move on. I'm trying to learn from past relationships-gone-sour and be more rational about everything. I have to take into account that this guy's kidneys have failed, his dad died, and his ex dumped him right around the same time a couple of years ago. It's logical to assume that he'd have trouble opening up, right?

So guys, should I should drop him and move on or wait for him to come around? :? I am fail at relationships, either way :mrgreen:
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 0bsessions on 06 Mar 2009, 15:47
Dump him.

I can see where you're coming from, but this one seems like a clear cut situation. Your own mental health demands you let this one go.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: pwhodges on 06 Mar 2009, 15:51
i never understood this sentiment. life is the single longest thing any of us will ever do.

One day you will understand this.  One day.  Trust me.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 0bsessions on 06 Mar 2009, 16:16
For the record, that one day will be about six months into the age twenty-three.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: ruyi on 06 Mar 2009, 17:05
So after you hit 25, you should stop being safe and start lying about what you want.  Got it. 

Man, I'm a year and half behind on unsafe sex and personal dishonesty. I better get moving.

Not sure if you guys were joking, but I got the impression that he meant that you have only those two rules to follow until ~25, after which you'll have to start worrying about other stuff too.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 06 Mar 2009, 19:36
Lise, I kinda had the same problem last yeah, but my dude never lied to me. That being said, if he is lying you should dump him. If you can't trust him, you can't date him.


But since I was also quite smitten with my fellow, I know that dumping him is probably secretly out of the question, my advice is as follows: Let him know that you'd like to be more than just a hook up partner. Don't make it sound needy or desperate. Just let him know how you feel. If his reaction is less than warm, back off. He doesn't sound like he is really ready for a relationship, and is maybe just (I don't really want to use this words, but..) using you for hook ups. We're all humans, and we all lust after people. Sometimes you just need a nice person you can trust to make out with. I mean, if you are fine doing what you're doing, then don't stop....


...but in all honesty, dude sounds like an asshole. He lied to you. He talks to his ex. He uses you for hook ups. DTMFA already.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: axerton on 06 Mar 2009, 20:51
He talks to his ex.

this by it self should not be a criteria for "dude is an arsehole" yes the fact that he then lied about talking to her is certainly one giant step towards the title. but as far as I can tell being able to maintain a healty relationship with someone from your past should not be a punishable offense
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Hat on 06 Mar 2009, 21:01
i never understood this sentiment. life is the single longest thing any of us will ever do.

One day you will understand this.  One day.  Trust me.

This made me really sad for some reason.

On a related note, fuck women, fuck men, I'm swearing off relationships and I would rather be permanently lonely rather than make the world a worse place because I am completely incapable of forming any kind of emotional bond with another human being and every time I try I just make everyone's lives miserable.

Rampant bonings are still one the cards but there will be no pillow talk.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 06 Mar 2009, 23:27
He talks to his ex.

this by it self should not be a criteria for "dude is an arsehole" yes the fact that he then lied about talking to her is certainly one giant step towards the title. but as far as I can tell being able to maintain a healty relationship with someone from your past should not be a punishable offense

What I am saying is that, dude is a known liar, and is emotionally unavailable, and talks to his ex. Things just don't seem on the up and up.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: BrittanyMarie on 07 Mar 2009, 00:43
Yeah, Lise, I was also in that position about a month ago only it was a year and a half and I told him I loved him (had been a few months a year or two before as well but I forgave him). If you can't talk about the "are we legit" talk, then it means you're not and if you feel uncomfortable talking to him about that then it's another sign that it probably shouldn't be.

My problem now is that I am basically like not attracted to anyone. Anytime any possibilities for sexyfuntimes comes up I'm just all "meh" and "nope. leave me alone" even if I would normally find the person attractive and also think they're awesome. I don't even like hanging out with single dudes who are my friends (except my bff Clay and we are more family so I don't have to worry about that) for fear they will suddenly start twitterpating or something. That just makes me sound conceited but three times within the past month I have had single guy friends try to get into my pants. Is it just because it is spring and I'm wired differently? I don't do anything and still get stray hands and "i want to fuck you" texts. I'm considering dressing butch and being mean to stop this. I'm not even that attractive; I just don't know what is going on.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Alex C on 07 Mar 2009, 01:04
It's logical to assume that he'd have trouble opening up, right?



Whether it's logical or not has little bearing on the fact that you desperately need to him to at this point because the whole situation has made you somewhat justifiably insecure. Quite simply, the communication isn't there and you need to find out if it can be there or else I don't see your situation getting better any time soon short of a dumping.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Eris on 07 Mar 2009, 02:46
He talks to his ex.

this by it self should not be a criteria for "dude is an arsehole" yes the fact that he then lied about talking to her is certainly one giant step towards the title. but as far as I can tell being able to maintain a healty relationship with someone from your past should not be a punishable offense

I have had this conversation with my mother on more than one occasion. She seems to think that once you break up with someone you should cut them out of your life completely; I seem to be of the opinion that you knew the person and were close to them, you would at least try and be friends after breaking up. Not being able to be a couple doesn't mean you can't be friends. Am I odd in thinking this? I mean, sure if the relationship ended on bad terms I can see people never wanting to talk to the other person again, but if it's just "You know what, I don't think this is working", then why shouldn't you stay in contact?

Also, I know this may not really apply to the above situation, because I don't know how they broke up and there are other issues, but the "talking to an ex=arsehole/etc" standpoint always seemed a bit strange to me
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lines on 07 Mar 2009, 05:00
It's one thing to talk to an ex while it's a whole other thing to talk to an ex and then lie about it. The former usually means you've both moved on and are able to be friends. The latter implies you feel guilty about it probably because one of both parties aren't over the other. Having the latter be a problem in the relationship is not fun, because it was one of several problems with my last relationship. (Except it was multiple exes and not just one.)
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: pulpfiction21 on 07 Mar 2009, 08:58
talking to an ex can cause serious problems in a relationship. I look at as this: If your current Bf or Gf has a problem with you doing this, and has made it clear to you that they do not like that you talk to your ex, then you should ask yourself what is more important, talking to an ex or maintaining the happiness of your current BF/GF. If your current relationship is a serious one, you should have no problem in making that decision.

Unless your ex is from years and years ago and you are now best friends with that person. That brings about a whole different scenario. 
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 07 Mar 2009, 10:25
Since it seems nobody really read my post, I'll repeat myself.


Talking to an ex, in and of itself, is not a bad thing.

But lying about talking to an ex is bad. Hell, if a guy lied to me in general, and was also talking to an ex, I'd be a little concerned.

But I do not put up with liars at all. If someone lies to you, how can you trust them?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Professor Snuggles on 07 Mar 2009, 10:58
Honestly if your significant other is so jealous that just having a conversation with an ex makes them all stressed then you should probably break up with them anyway.



Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: nobo on 07 Mar 2009, 11:14
But I do not put up with liars at all. If someone lies to you, how can you trust them?

Could be a small lie not to hurt your feelings, aka "yeah, what you made tasted great!", "Your speech in front of class was good", etc. I think that's ok.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Alex C on 07 Mar 2009, 11:42
The ex situation just hits me as something that's exacerbating the bigger issue; ie, She doesn't know where she stands with this guy and she's too worried about "pressuring" him to find out. Gotta throw that sentiment out the window, because at this point it doesn't sound like it's preventing problems so much as causing them.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lise on 07 Mar 2009, 12:17
Thanks for all the replies guys, I have a better idea of what I should do/what's been going on, I think. And Em, I read your posts, and they're good advice  :-). I mean, regardless of whether or not it's a "white lie" to tell the person you're dating you're not communicating with the ex when you actually are, it's still a lie. I don't need things to be sugarcoated because obviously that won't help at this point (especially if I'm contemplating a break up..)

I'm not against the idea of being friends with an ex, but I don't think it's healthy/possible if you broke up on bad terms (someone please prove me wrong!). Mutual friends have told me that the guy I'm seeing took a big risk with this girl emotionally, and she quoteunquote "did him dirty." Apparently he described the breakup as having his "heart torn asunder." Coming from a guy who rarely shows vulnerability, that statement sounds like a big deal. I honestly don't think he's over her, and if he's still keeping her old texts, messages, and lying about present conversations, that only solidifies my opinion of that. (Please note I haven't been snooping, guys, he unwittingly shows me). Even if you can't forgive someone for hurting you like that, I can still see why any form of flattery from them might give you satisfaction. So as a girl who genuinely cares for him, I feel inadequate because I can't provide that... yeah, weird feeling.

So yesterday (after lots of awkward silence), I brought everything up to him (Alex, I finally manned up!!!!!!). He stated that he doesn't know where we're going, but he also told me that his ex isn't one of the factors. I want to believe him, but then again, I'm doubting it. I suppose since we're going in different directions this year (I'll be transferring to another college soon, and he'll be moving elsewhere), I shouldn't drag this out. Normal couples can deal with distance, but haha, since we're anything but normal..

I guess it's breakup time, but I don't want to deal with that, heh. I've gotten used to the status quo, having great mutual friends (I seem to lose them after breakups), and having the "good days" when we are like a couple. Being single again probably means lots of depression until I get over this guy, and breakups never get any easier over time.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lise on 07 Mar 2009, 12:18
Just cause that was all serious business and crap in my post, let's have a load of dongs!!!!! 8===D 8===D 8=====D AND GREEN MAN!!

(http://img4.imageshack.us/img4/9764/greenman.gif) (http://img13.imageshack.us/img13/4462/selflove.jpg)

PS: Alex is right, there's much more than just the "ex deal", but that was just the last straw, adding fuel to the fire, the icing on the cake (but without icing and without cake... heh heh).
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: BrittanyMarie on 07 Mar 2009, 12:36
Green Man is the best! It's Always Sunny... is the best! You are the best!
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lise on 07 Mar 2009, 12:48
Dayman... AhHHHHHhhhh, fighter of the night man.... AHhhh, champion of the sun~

I think I love you already, Brittany!

Haha, sorry for the off topic, guys. I had to go there.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: KvP on 07 Mar 2009, 13:50
I'm not against the idea of being friends with an ex, but I don't think it's healthy/possible if you broke up on bad terms (someone please prove me wrong!). Mutual friends have told me that the guy I'm seeing took a big risk with this girl emotionally, and she quoteunquote "did him dirty." Apparently he described the breakup as having his "heart torn asunder." Coming from a guy who rarely shows vulnerability, that statement sounds like a big deal. I honestly don't think he's over her, and if he's still keeping her old texts, messages, and lying about present conversations, that only solidifies my opinion of that. (Please note I haven't been snooping, guys, he unwittingly shows me). Even if you can't forgive someone for hurting you like that, I can still see why any form of flattery from them might give you satisfaction. So as a girl who genuinely cares for him, I feel inadequate because I can't provide that... yeah, weird feeling.
You can be friends with somebody after a bad breakup but it takes the tincture of time and only time to really heal that sort of thing (from what I've witnessed it takes a good few months at least of no contact at all before exes can be on good terms after a bad split). Being friends with exes is perfectly fine and IMO is an indicator of a person's good... lovership? If your bf/gf is not on good terms with any of their exes, it could be because they've dated only assholes, but the common denominator in all those relationships is your bf/gf. Chances are they're the problem.

But you ought to get over your ex romantically after a certain point, and given that you say the breakup was few years(!) ago and he's not above-board with this problem he has I'd say yeah, this guy is not worth it. If I were in your situation I'd tell him straight up that he was using and manipulating me (which is exactly what he's doing to you) and I would still dump his ass even if he makes grand proclamations about rehabilitating himself. You really want a relationship and he's exploiting that to get his needs met without reciprocating, and that's cruel. With any luck it'll slap some sense into him and the next girl he finds he won't jerk around.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lunchbox on 09 Mar 2009, 20:57
Hey Relationship thread, Maybe you will have better advice than my sex-crazed boss!
I have been been seeing a guy for a couple of months and I really really like him but in a month he will be leaving for overseas and not returning for about 15 months. What should I do?
I am pretty bummed out but I know that this is a really awesome thing for him so I think I should just enjoy the last couple of weeks I have with him and leave it at that. This is healthier than clining to him and wheezing "I'LL WAAAIT FOR YOOOUU," right?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Spluff on 09 Mar 2009, 20:59
It sounds like you have already figured out what to do.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: BrittanyMarie on 09 Mar 2009, 21:04
I guess I'd say what you are planning to do is the best.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lunchbox on 09 Mar 2009, 21:07
Yeeeah. It's still not fair though. :'(
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Cartilage Head on 09 Mar 2009, 21:08
 It really just depends on how you feel. If you really like him and what to stay with him, you take and break and see if you feel like resuming when he gets back. Just saying there are alternatives if you are looking for them.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: tania on 09 Mar 2009, 22:00
yeah, long distance relationships are stupid hard but they aren't inherently doomed for failure. they often can and do work out but it's really just a matter of what you both want. you're not clingy if you wait for him and you're not a bad person if you don't, just do what you think is right for you and the situation.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: MrBlu on 09 Mar 2009, 22:01
And webcams.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: ViolentDove on 10 Mar 2009, 03:40
Hey Relationship thread, Maybe you will have better advice than my sex-crazed boss!
I have been been seeing a guy for a couple of months and I really really like him but in a month he will be leaving for overseas and not returning for about 15 months. What should I do?
I am pretty bummed out but I know that this is a really awesome thing for him so I think I should just enjoy the last couple of weeks I have with him and leave it at that. This is healthier than clining to him and wheezing "I'LL WAAAIT FOR YOOOUU," right?

I have been in this situation, so I guess I'll relate what happened to me and then pretend that everyone else is the same and stuff, yeah?

Basically we tried to stay together even though she was on the other side of the world, then she met someone in Glasgow and then it was all over and we both found other people. But then she came back and was all "I still kind of like you" but we didn't end up together again for various reasons. I think it was probably worse trying to stay together over the long distance when stuff started falling apart, so I think it's best to part ways with the acknowledgement that if you're both single when you're in the same country again, maybe you'll revisit the relationship.

Also, don't let him go to Glasgow.

(P.S. Hey thread I scored a hole-in-one the other night, if you catch my drift.)
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Cartilage Head on 10 Mar 2009, 03:56
 So guys I have been seeing a new girl after getting over my (mostly on but briefly off) long relationship with a girl, which took about a month. The thing is, while I am aware of it and trying to fight it, I can't get over my near phobia of relationships. I've had about four bad ones in a row now, any advice?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 0bsessions on 10 Mar 2009, 11:26
Stop having shitty relationships.

But yeah, honestly, that's not at all uncommon. Common sense dictates that, if you're not in a long term relationship that's going strong, you're probably off a decent string of shitty relationships, cause if the relationships worked out, you'd likely still be in them. The only real advice is to not think too much about it and just try to enjoy yourself. Some relationships work, others don't. If it works, it works, if it doesn't, you've got plenty of life left to try another one.

Lunchy's problem is effectively resolved by ViolentDove's response. Just let it end naturally when he leaves, make no promises or commitments and if you're both single later, you can maybe pick it up then if it still feels right.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: tania on 10 Mar 2009, 21:01
there isn't much you can do in the way of fearing relationships, sadly. it's good advice to not force yourself to be in a relationship if you really don't think you're ready, but at the same time, avoiding intimacy with anyone until you're "over" your past relationships is, i think, equally bad advice because personally i doubt most people ever really get over their past terrible relationships. they're shitty and they suck and they hurt to think about and probably always will a little bit, but that's just part of life and experiencing things. that fear will decrease over time, but it usually doesn't fully go away and that's part of what makes entering a relationship and trusting someone really special in the first place.

okay so that wasn't really advice, i guess the advice part of this post is to not feel too bad about fearing relationships cos i think most people to do at least some small extent, it is part of intimacy, and also maybe probably be honest with her and talk to her about how you feel cos it's pretty understandable to feel that way and good communication is really one of the most important requirements of a not-shitty relationship anyway.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 11 Mar 2009, 18:08
So, as you all know, I am madly in crush with my best friend. Since he comes into town in one week, I thought "I'll just go for it!" It seemed like a great idea and I was all excited and happy and I just really wanted this to work.

And then we were talking today like normal, and there was some flirting going on, and we kinda started talking about dating in general, and basically he was all "man I wish I could meet a really awesome girl." Needless to say, I was a little crushed.

But since I am totally dumb and can't take hints, I really want him to super reject me, so I can put it far out of my brain that it is something that will happen, because its dumb and it won't ever happen. So, would it be stupid for me to ask him to reject me to get this dumb idea out of my head?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: MrBlu on 11 Mar 2009, 19:00
Maybe he just plain doesn't see you as someone he'd be in a relationship with. Not all guys want every female body.
You might just end up in the proverbial 'Friend Zone'.

(This feels weird talking to a female about the Friend Zone...)

And, y'know. Asking him to "reject you" would just make whatever conversation you were having awkward.

Your choice really. You can say that you like him, and hope for the best, because the worst that can happen is he says "No.", or you say nothing and wonder for the rest of your life, what could have been.

Who knows? Maybe he's just completely oblivious to the fact that you're female and you like him (sure has hell happened to me a lot of times).
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: BrittanyMarie on 11 Mar 2009, 19:26
The other day my friend said "Brittany, I like you because you don't like me." meaning, he likes being my friend because neither of us have crushes on the other, which makes our friendship drama free and also really comfortable. (granted, it was 7am and I was drinking vodka tonics and yelling ME TOO OMG) Every time a boy who is supposedly my friend tells me he has feelings for me or whatever, I generally don't hang out with them as much anymore since I think it's awkward and I don't want them to crush on me.

And I mean, you're really tough so I know you can handle the awkwardness, but ... I don't know. I don't think I'd say anything, but I also don't know how you and him are together.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: onewheelwizzard on 11 Mar 2009, 22:23
Emaline, if I were in your position I'd just say "I think you should know that I'm attracted to you," and basically leave it at that to the best of your ability.  Don't make it a proposal for a relationship, just an explanation of how you feel.  If you don't ask him for anything, he doesn't have anything to say no to (he can't exactly say "you're not allowed to feel that way"), and if he doesn't have anything to say no to, he doesn't have very much to be afraid of or awkward about.

In my experience, the more freedom people feel in a decision or a judgment, the better the outcome tends to be.  People who feel pushed into a choice of "will you be with me, yes or no, answer now" are likely to react with much less conscious judgment because the constriction of the situation makes them too afraid to really think about things.  What you want to do is remove his fear of hurting you, because if he's afraid of hurting you, he'll make a poorer decision than if he feels as if he can make a choice based on his own needs and desires without worrying about you.  When he can clearly examine what he wants without feeling the need to worry about what you want, he'll just behave with a clearer and wiser head ... and probably warm up more to the idea that you can be attractive to him as well (for that matter it's possible that being afraid of hurting you is the only reason why he hasn't expressed that to you already).

Now, if you're really really afraid that you'll get hurt here, that'll probably come out in what you say to him, and it'll put pressure on him to realize that there's something he can do that you're afraid of ... he'll put so much energy into trying not to do what you don't want him to do that he'll probably end up doing something HE doesn't want to do, and it's all downhill from there.  So basically if I were you I'd put some serious thought into what exactly you're afraid of here.  If you're afraid of being lonely and/or losing a really good friend, telling him to reject you is basically a one-way ticket to precisely your worst-case scenario because you'd literally be acting as if it's exactly what you want.  However, if you can bring yourself to trust yourself and your friend to stay connected regardless of what happens, and you manage to express that to your friend when you explain the situation to him, he'll feel empowered to do what he wants ... and this will be to your advantage, because I'm sure that one thing your friend wants to do is to make you happier.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jace on 11 Mar 2009, 23:41
I'm usually the least qualified person to give relationship advice to, but Emaline, maybe you are finding yourself having crushes on guys because you are desperate to be in a relationship? I speak from personal experience that I would crush on girls before I even knew them (sometimes after I knew them) because they were already friends with me and I thought they could easily be my girlfriend. Sometimes you may just have to take a step back and realize that you don't need to be in a relationship, although it is nice. I adopted this feeling shortly after my last girlfriend and I broke up, and since then, I've been happier, and I've come to realize that it is easier to talk to the opposite sex if the first thing on your mind isn't "I bet we would be great together."
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 0bsessions on 12 Mar 2009, 10:40
Maybe he just plain doesn't see you as someone he'd be in a relationship with. Not all guys want every female body.
You might just end up in the proverbial 'Friend Zone'.

(This feels weird talking to a female about the Friend Zone...)

It's not at all uncommon. I've actually had it happen multiple times where a girl was into me and I could MAYBE have seen myself interested, but we were already in the friend zone.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 12 Mar 2009, 11:16
Well, guys, I asked him. And it was a pretty great conversation and reminded me why he is totally my bestest friend in the whole wide world forevers. And no, we aren't dating now. It basically went like this:

Me:"you know I am totally in crush on you, and that you should just completely reject me already so I can move on already."
Him:"well, I do really really really like you, but as a friend"
Me:"you've got to reject me better than that. You've gotta say 'Emaline, it's never gonna happen'"
Him:"Emaline, its not going to happen. Not anytime in the conceivable future. But I don't believe in saying never."
Me:"pshaw. Whatevs. Don't ever not say never. Anyway, you're still my best friend ever and I totally love you."


And then we talked about tacos, and books and coffee shops, and giggled like normal. Nothing changed at all, but I feel better for having said it.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: redglasscurls on 13 Mar 2009, 08:38
Emaline, reading about your life is pretty much like reading the saddest/cutest book ever, always.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: elizaknowswhatshesfor on 13 Mar 2009, 09:26
Dear Relationship Thread,

 I met someone recently while out in a different city, who just blew me away, he was so sweet and funny and interesting and we have nice things in common. Nothing happened (Well, he kissed me and I said no as I am with someone who lives far away) I ended up staying at his,talking until 8am the next day. We swapped numbers and spent the next week texting each other every day, not huge amounts, but regularly. During this we made plans to do stuff togther, as friends. I came up to stay again on monday (Not with him) and he said he'd meet me off the train, which he did. He was then extremely rude and off with me, told me he was too busy to see me and just a completely different person. It was to the point where he was sat on a laptop and ignoring me, also told me to stop complementing him (He has grown a beard, I love beards.) I'm completely confused as to how someone can go from sending messages saying things like "I think I miss you, is that weird" To ignoring me all togther. I also don't get why you'd meet someone only to be rude to them?!? (Esp. as it was a 3 hour train journey bleurgh!) Is it the plutonic thing that's making him be distant and well, a bit cunty?(sorry for the language) Has he sobered up and realised I'm not awesome? (I am awesome) I'm also extremely concerned as to why I'm so fucking upset. I have a lovely boyfriend who I've been with for quite a while, I have amazing friends, why is this one person upsetting me so much? When we said goodbye on monday we had had conversations about when he was working (Coffee/bar with internets) so I could go in and keep him company/when we'd have time to watch movies together, I text him, only once mind, to say when are working etc. no reply. I'm worried as we will be going to the bar tonight and also, to make the point really clear WHY DO I CARE?!?
                             

(Sorry that was such a ramble, if you ever heard me speak, you'd know that's how I'd sound)
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: benji on 13 Mar 2009, 10:03
Emaline, reading about your life is pretty much like reading the saddest/cutest book ever, always.

I 2nd this. You could totally write "The Life and Times of Emaline" as a Victorian style serialized novel.

Eliza, there's  a lot to unpack there, and I have to go teach a class, but my first bit of random speculation: Did you just say "no," before, or did you tell him the reason why? If he didn't realize you had a boyfriend already, and then found out, that could have made him upset. It would upset me if I met someone I was compatible with, seemed to hit it off, flirted all week, and then found out they were already involved with someone else.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: elizaknowswhatshesfor on 13 Mar 2009, 10:07
There's always a lot to unpack with me....

He tried to kiss me after we'd been talking for about an hour. So for the whole week, he has known I'm not single. Have a nice class x
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 0bsessions on 13 Mar 2009, 10:12
Eliza, your situation seems pretty clear cut. The guy is, as the kids say these days, trying to 'play' you. He wants to get in your pants and it's as simple as that. This is a whole can of worms I would advise heavily against opening. You're happy with your boyfriend and you've got plenty of friends, delete the guy's number and let it go.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: benji on 13 Mar 2009, 11:27
Right, there's those books out now that say the way to get women is to be rude to them, thus destroying their self-esteem. I always forget about those. Yeah, if that's what he's trying to do, forget him. You've got a boyfriend. If this guy's going to be rude all of a sudden, why spend the time trying to be his friend?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jace on 13 Mar 2009, 12:18
Turns out this girl I've been digging on is someone I knew when I was a freshman in high school.

What the fuuuuuuck?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 13 Mar 2009, 14:12
Eliza, this dude sounds like an ass no matter what. Why keep him around at all? It does sound like he is just trying to get laid, and you know what he is going to do once he gets what he wants from you? He is going to start completely ignoring you. And that'd be the nicest thing he'll do. Seriously, just delete him out of your phone and your life.

(And jesus! You have a boyfriend! What the hell are you doing worrying about this guy?? Even if you were single, my advice to you would be the same. But jesus, do yourself and your boyfriend a favor, fucking forget about this guy.)




I'm sorry my life is so depressing, guys. But I mean, its not terrible! I still love my Davis(my best friend). He is still the most awesomest dude/person ever in the whole entire world ever. And it's awesome to have people like that in your life.

and now I have two "relationship advice thread" questions.

1. Is there a nice way to turn someone down and still be friends with them? I have a friend who I am not nearly as close to as I am my Davis, and if I just turned him down, I'm pretty sure it'd completely sour our friendship. But he constantly hits on me! And its so creepy!  It makes me really completely uncomfortable. I don't know what to do.

2. How would you feel if your current boyfriend hung out with a girl that he used to  fool around with, alone? One of my very good friend and I used to sort of be a thing. We used to fool around a lot. I've only spent one naked night at his house. The same time we were fooling around, he was fooling around with another girl. Which was fine and dandy, because we were just friends who liked to play with each others bits. At some point, he and I sort of lost touch, and he and this girl got closer, and started dating. We started talking again right at the beginning of their official relationship. He is one of my really good friends, and the whole time I've known him he has been a bit mopey, but after they became a thing, he got incredibly happy, and this makes me incredibly happy. I love talking to him now because he is always in such a fanstastic mood, and it makes me very happy to know he is happy. Anyway, he and I haven't hung out in awhile, and I've been dying to  hang out again. His current lady is 32. I am 20. And he is 26. Overall, I've got no beef with hanging out with the both of them, but I just don't know. I don't think I'd have much in common with a 32 year old. I mean, "hey! Your boyfriend's dick has been in my mouth, too!" and "you're ten years younger than my mom!" don't seem like great conversations. So, basically, I kinda want to hang out with him alone, like we used to, minus the swapping of spit, and bodily fluids. I have no intentions of doing anything more than hanging out with him. He says she'd never have a problem with us, but I don't know. I don't want to screw things up for him. I really like that he is happy. Would it be strange for us to hang out alone?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: KvP on 13 Mar 2009, 14:25
#1 - If the guy hits on you and creeps you out you ought to tell him to cut it out and you're not under any sort of moral obligation to spare his feelings. You'd probably be doing him a favor by showing him that women don't find such behavior acceptable. There might not be a way to let him down gently while also making it clear that what he's doing is creepy, but even if he gets angry and hates you for awhile, if he's the sort of person worth having around he'll get over it. As a general rule the longer you let this slide the harder it will be to put a stop to it. He could be under the impression that you like or are encouraging him. So give him all the assurances you can that you don't hate him and that you like him as a friend but you really aren't appreciating the way he acts. If he can't handle that, tough tits for him, you did what you could.

#2 - If you have no intention of messing around with this dude, and he has no intention of messing around with him, then there's honestly no problem. And this woman shouldn't have a problem, she's far too old to be jealous and possessive. It's obvious you're intimidated by the thought of this woman but I know a lot of people who are friends with their exes, and the exes are friends with their current lovers! You guys were never an item, you were fuck buddies, and she shouldn't be threatened by that. Don't rule out hanging out with the both of them. Have you met her before?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: benji on 13 Mar 2009, 14:36
You're never too old for jealousy. I would say go ahead and invite her to hang out as well. If she doesn't think you'll have anything to say to each other, she can always be the one to say no, but by letting her be the one to say no, you make it clear that you're not trying to threaten her relationship with him.

Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 13 Mar 2009, 14:41
I haven't met her, and in general she seems to be a pretty great and awesome person. When I had some living situation problems, she offered me a place to stay. And when I was maybe going to sue my parents, she along with him, offered me advice and help. While I was on the phone with him, discussing what to do, she was in the background telling him what I could do, and helping him find numbers for me. She even told him to give me her number in case I needed to call someone while he was at work. He declined to give out her number.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: KvP on 13 Mar 2009, 14:51
Well then I would be hard-pressed to see a potential problem here! She knows who you are, in all likelihood she knows your history with her boy and it doesn't bother her at all. I mean she offered you a place to crash, for fuck's sake. You don't get that every day.

Odd that the boy would refuse to hand out her number when she told him to. What's his angle?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Reed on 13 Mar 2009, 14:56
It's possible that your friend himself might feel awkward hanging out with both of you. Have you talked to him about it?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 13 Mar 2009, 15:16
I haven't talked to him about all three of us hanging out, and I'm not really sure how he feels about it all. He didn't want to give me her number. He made it a point to tell me that she has been in open relationships all her life. Its confusing and complicated.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Skibas_clavicle on 13 Mar 2009, 15:19
my new dude doesn't like jawbreaker. what do i do?!
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: onewheelwizzard on 13 Mar 2009, 15:23
Emaline, I'd relax about it if I were you.  The two of them probably have their shit basically covered, people who are used to open relationships generally do.  I wouldn't worry about upsetting them or making them awkward, because it sounds like that's something that is less likely to happen to them than to you, so just relax about it and let them handle things how they will.  I have some experience with women who are in their early 30s and are used to open relationships, and basically what it tells me is that she is likely to be a totally safe person who will stay cool about just about anything you do that isn't motivated by actual malice for her (and I strongly doubt that you'll have anything like that anytime soon).

Basically what I am saying is that you should totally hang out with the two of them together and/or him alone (or even her alone!  Maybe you'll become friends!  You never know, it's totally possible.)  Just trust that they won't get all weird about you and it'll probably work out that way.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Scandanavian War Machine on 13 Mar 2009, 15:27
my new dude doesn't like jawbreaker. what do i do?!

dump his ass.


so anyway, in a completely unrelated matter...have i ever told you how much i like Jawbreaker?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 13 Mar 2009, 15:33
my new dude doesn't like jawbreaker. what do i do?!

Make him a mix called "The Official Greatest Mix Of The Awesomest Music Ever" and secretly put Jawbreaker on there. Then he will realize that he does actually like them.


Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: valley_parade on 13 Mar 2009, 18:21
my new dude doesn't like jawbreaker. what do i do?!

Make him a mix called "The Official Greatest Mix Of The Awesomest Music Ever" and put nothing but Jawbreaker on there.

Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jimmy the Squid on 13 Mar 2009, 21:58
my new dude doesn't like jawbreaker. what do i do?!

Accept that not everyone is going to like the same things that you do and that having similar music tastes is really not what a relationship should be based on.


Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Skibas_clavicle on 13 Mar 2009, 22:08
Wow. Just wow. I am not even going to dignify that with an response.

And SWM:  :wink:
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jimmy the Squid on 13 Mar 2009, 22:13
Is that because you think I was taking you seriously or you're actually offended by the idea of it not mattering that someone doesn't like Jawbreaker?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Allybee on 13 Mar 2009, 22:18
just out of curiosity, how important is it to all of you that your significant other shares your taste in music, art, etc?

I guess that for me, this type of similarity plays a really big part in attraction. I hung out with this cool guy today who likes all the music that I've been getting into lately, and it just made it easier to hit it off. I can't imagine being in a serious relationship with someone whose music tastes drastically differ from my own because music is really important to me and it's something that I enjoy sharing.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: MrBlu on 13 Mar 2009, 22:25
my new dude doesn't like jawbreaker. what do i do?!

Accept that not everyone is going to like the same things that you do and that having similar music tastes is really what a relationship should be based on.


Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jimmy the Squid on 13 Mar 2009, 22:28
Certain similarities can be kind of important but they become less so as you get to know the person. You might start to like someone because they have similar tastes or interests to you but they only need to be similar, not exactly the same. For instance, my girlfriend doesn't like black metal. Since I'm in a black metal band (and obviously really like black metal) this could be a point of contention between us but honestly you just find out other things that you like to do together. Trying to force your interests onto someone isn't going to help things because no one wants to feel like their partner is trying to change them. I don't try to force Ingelise to listen to Gorgoroth and she doesn't try to force me to listen to Nickelback.
By all means take a shot at introducing them to something you think is rad because they might think it is rad but there are more important things to worry about than if you both like the same band.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: tania on 13 Mar 2009, 22:30
i don't think it's that silly. common interests are a big part of relationships. for me, some are more important than others. when it comes to music, it's really important to me and i spend a lot of time listening, talking or writing about the music i listen to. if i'm dating someone and i find the majority of what they listen to repulsive, and vice versa, it's not just a minor disagreement - in my case it's actually a really big part of my life that i can't share with them and a pretty huge dealbreaker tbh. disagreements in other areas of my life that aren't so integral to who i am wouldn't be as big a deal.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: nobo on 13 Mar 2009, 22:30
just out of curiosity, how important is it to all of you that your significant other shares your taste in music, art, etc?

I guess that for me, this type of similarity plays a really big part in attraction. I hung out with this cool guy today who likes all the music that I've been getting into lately, and it just made it easier to hit it off. I can't imagine being in a serious relationship with someone whose music tastes drastically differ from my own because music is really important to me and it's something that I enjoy sharing.

not important at all. my gf and i like completely opposite types of music. but we like the same types of movies so its all good.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jace on 13 Mar 2009, 22:31
I understand that there will be different musical tastes between people. But there should be some intersection. Especially since most of the people I know around my age range (that'd be 16-24) seem to have music playing near constantly if possible. If there is no intersection in taste (ie, you're a lotta country, I'm a lotta rock'n'roll) there are going to be disagreements.

Also, if you think that just because a guy is at a ska show that all he listens to is ska, you are just stupid. Sorry Megan from Flagstaff, you're stupid.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Allybee on 13 Mar 2009, 22:39
it's not even like, I'm afraid of disagreeing with someone. this is going to sound really dumb but when I'm really into a song, it feels almost the same way as being really into a person. I just can't stop thinking about it and I feel really amazing and full.

I feel similarly about books and comic books, because when I think they're great I want to talk about them, but they involve a much more significant time commitment than does a song so I can understand if the person I'm with doesn't want to read all the stupid shit that I'm reading. I don't feel the same way about movies, because I'm just not as into them and I can just go watch them with someone else. art is so personal to me that when I find a piece that I love I don't want to necessarily show everyone I know.

huh.

EDIT: I used the word "feel" four times in this post.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: MrBlu on 13 Mar 2009, 22:40
Thinking about it now, all the girls that I think are awesome/attractive that have similar tastes in music to me are either too old for me, or too far away (Florida...).

Which sucks. Bad.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Alex C on 13 Mar 2009, 22:43
I couldn't possibly care any less about what kind of art a potential partner likes. The idea of selecting based on the idea hits me as unfathomably silly. But to each their own, I guess.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Spluff on 13 Mar 2009, 22:48
Liking the same music is a plus, but it's by no means necessary. I have friends and internets who like the same music as me - I don't need a girl to as well. Friends and girlfriends take on entirely different roles for me - qualities I look for in a friend are not necessarily qualities I look for in a girl.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: nobo on 13 Mar 2009, 22:50
I have to disagree. the qualities i look for in a girl are the same that i look for from my closest friends.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: tania on 13 Mar 2009, 22:52
to be fair, almost everyone i have met who has really clicked with me cos they are funny and cool and smart and whatever has not only been into music but also been into maybe at least 75% of the same music that i am into, so (for me anyway) in most cases personality type and interests seem to just kind of go hand in hand and i'm not really as superficial and judgmental as i might seem to be.

and yeah, i look for the same qualities in partners as i do in friends too. partners got to be friends first imo.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Spluff on 13 Mar 2009, 22:55
I have to disagree. the qualities i look for in a girl are the same that i look for from my closest friends.

I feel the term 'girlfriend' is a misnomer. A girlfriend is more than just a friend who is a girl, and should be treated that way. Just treating her like a close friend is a waste; you've already got some of those - but, unless you are a polygamist, you've only got one girlfriend. The possibilities for great things to do with your significant other that you can't do with your friends are countless - why sit around and play games, or discuss sports, when there are so many more exciting options?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: MrBlu on 13 Mar 2009, 22:57
to be fair, almost everyone i have met who has really clicked with me cos they are funny and cool and smart and whatever has not only been into music but also been into maybe at least 75% of the same music that i am into, so (for me anyway) in most cases personality type and interests seem to just kind of go hand in hand and i'm not really as superficial and judgmental as i might seem to be.

and yeah, i look for the same qualities in partners as i do in friends too. partners got to be friends first imo.
So, basically, you do your dating on Last.FM?

Oh, man, that was wrong, I'm sorry.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: tania on 14 Mar 2009, 00:33
Oh, man, that was wrong, I'm sorry.

no offense taken, it's cool.

basically it is not really all that unusual for me to, after meeting someone who i really like and is very similar to me, end up asking them about music and subsequently find out that, hey, what do you know, they're really into music and they seem to like most if not all the same stuff i do. for me it seems to just be part of a bigger type of personality in general. subsequently, people who like music radically different to what i like or don't give a shit about music at all usually end up being totally different from me in about a thousand other ways too. when it comes to dating, i do tend to see similar interests as an absolute given and probably wouldn't ever consider dating anyone who didn't share them, but i don't think it is shallow cos i see it as just having similar personality types and in the end we do usually end up being more compatible as friends or partners anyway. i feel like this question gets asked a lot cos of the hypothetical "well, what if you met someone who was totally perfect but didn't like sonic youth" scenario, but honestly, that is a silly question because it doesn't ever really actually happen! everyone i have met who i have really liked or expressed any interest in has liked sonic youth cos the type of people who are like me and who i would like also like sonic youth. that is just how it goes.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 14 Mar 2009, 00:36
Dear Relationship Thread,
How can I go about rediscovering the sensation of affection?

Cordially,
James
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 14 Mar 2009, 00:59
I like how that's what you thought I when I used the word affection.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Gilead on 14 Mar 2009, 02:14
If a girl likes nickelback I won't even look at her.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: valley_parade on 14 Mar 2009, 03:14
I once dated a girl that kept trying to make me listen to Good Charlotte.

Maybe that's why I'm so fucked up.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: elizaknowswhatshesfor on 14 Mar 2009, 07:08
If a girl likes nickelback I won't even look at her.

Amazing.

My boyfriend doesn't like jawbreaker, or half the music I like, but we kinda work. He like a lot more Doom and D-beat than me, when we are in the same city, it just means sometimes we go to different shows and meet up afterwards. I find it harder that he doesn't like dancing and I do!

To reply to all the lovely replies to my question. Part of the reason I'm bummed out, is because I'm so bothered. But it's nice having strangers on the internet telling me to stop being stupid. I like meeting new people, esp. ones that want to go to art galleries with me! (My boyfriend will, but we can't really have conversations about it in the same way.) I'm glad to know in my short rambling rant made him sound dickish. If nothing else I feel better. Thankyou internets! (Although...the guy in question DOES like jawbreaker, would this change anyone's answer?  :lol:)
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 14 Mar 2009, 09:33
Maybe that's why I'm so fucked up.

THE LITTLE THINGS LITTLE THINGS ALWAYS THEY ALWAYS HANG AROUND
THE LITTLE THINGS LITTLE THINGS THEY TRY TO BREAK ME DOWN
THE LITTLE THINGS LITTLE THINGS THEY JUST WON'T GO AWAY
THE LITTLE THINGS LITTLE THINGS MAKE ME WHO I AM TODAY
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lines on 14 Mar 2009, 09:34
I have never listened to Jawbreaker, so no. Sometimes I will eat a jawbreaker, though.

Dear Relationship Thread,
How can I go about rediscovering the sensation of affection?

Cordially,
James

Come to the states so I can give you hugs and bake you cupcakes.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Skibas_clavicle on 14 Mar 2009, 09:37
Is that because you think I was taking you seriously or you're actually offended by the idea of it not mattering that someone doesn't like Jawbreaker?
Naw, b, it's because I have a sense of humour.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Allybee on 14 Mar 2009, 09:40
to be fair, almost everyone i have met who has really clicked with me cos they are funny and cool and smart and whatever has not only been into music but also been into maybe at least 75% of the same music that i am into

I guess this goes for me, too - most of my friends even like the same type of music as I do, and they are all open to new things (as I try to be). it just happened that way? I dunno.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Krina on 14 Mar 2009, 09:45
On the music issue:

This new guy I'm dating has no taste whatsoever in music. He seriously thinks that U2 is a good band. I mean come on! But he's really really nice and I am still going out with him.

I.e. I find it pretty important to be compatible in regard to taste in music etc., because I'm a huge music nerd, but what I learned from this is probably that it can work out in spite of the other person's taste? At least as long as they are willing to listen to new things and broaden their horizon. The person I was a couple of years ago probably would have dumped the guy for his taste but it occurred to me that this would be a pretty small-minded thing to do.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Allybee on 14 Mar 2009, 09:53
see, I basically don't date, so I feel really silly talking about this. but would any of you dump someone if they were really, hideously ugly? like, be honest with yourself. if you're just not attracted to someone, then you aren't, and that's hard to overlook. and for me, physical attraction is not totally unimportant, but there are certain other things that play into attraction. I would rather not date a guy with terrible music taste in the same way I wouldn't want to date a guy with a terrible sense of humor.

then again, I really don't date. I feel kind of shallow now.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Skibas_clavicle on 14 Mar 2009, 09:54
I dunno, for me, music taste is an issue. And I have a history of dating ferocious music elitists. This only causes a problem when we have different music we are snobs about, which is the case in my current predicament. Him: 80s goth, metal, freak folk (Akron/Family, old Animal Collective, etc.), 80s/90s indie pop (Beat Happening, The Vaselines, etc.) where as I am into 90s-current indie rock, rap, punk, 90s emo and hipster scum electro. This issue also makes it super difficult to pick out makeout music.

AND ALLY: I wouldn't date someone who was 'hideously ugly'. And frankly, I don't think that makes me a bad person.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 0bsessions on 14 Mar 2009, 10:07
Ally, I wouldn't dump someone for being really, hideously ugly because I wouldn't start dating someone who was really, hideously ugly.

In terms of music, it's borderline irrelevant if you share additional common interests. If you don't share common interest in music, move onto another hobby you might share, if you don't have any other hobbies, the problem is that you are a boring person and should consider expanding your horizons. My girlfriend is really into the new Britney Spears single and I've been known to listen to my fair share of terrible music, but this is largely irrelevant because we have many other similar interests. You really only need a handful to make it work. Rachel and I listen to different music, have different taste in sports (She loves American football, I prefer baseball) and our taste in movies is on at least slightly different wavelengths (Every time we commit to watching a movie, we generally both love it, but we've spent a good hour trying to compromise what to watch), but we both like WoW and have nearly identical taste in TV and bunches of other little things.

There really should be no one definitive hobby you should let get in the way of a relationship if the other person is similarly mature enough to let you enjoy it without interfering with it. Any well rounded individual should have enough hobbies that you can fall back on a different interest.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: nobo on 14 Mar 2009, 11:19
"Ohh, I love your fat, pudgy belly. It's cute the way you wheeze and click in your sleep, though I think it's a good thing we're both sound sleepers. I like popping your pimples and plucking your bushy eyebrows. I'm willing to look past the decay of your greening, almost translucent toenails. We can fix those, too.

mom?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Caleb on 14 Mar 2009, 12:15
2 cents:

I think that music taste doesn't really matter all that much as long as the person is willing to give other genres a chance.

If they refuse to listen to music that you happen to like and always play stuff they like when you are around there might be a problem.

Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: KvP on 14 Mar 2009, 12:59
You only have the luxury of discriminating based on musical taste if you have common musical taste. I've never encountered anyone on- or off-line that shares my particular musical interests, and I've looked for a long time. The best I can do is gravitate towards people who like a few things that I enjoy, and even those people seem to be fairly scarce.

y'all are spoiled.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lines on 14 Mar 2009, 13:30
The only way I wouldn't date someone based purely on music tastes is if they only listened to music I absolutely hate. I will listen to just about basically anything once, but I know what I don't like. Besides, some dude who's top 3 favorite things are Nickelback, Celine Dion, and gangsta rap has serious issues. I think I'm more elitist about movies and art than I am music.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 14 Mar 2009, 13:52
Tania's ideas are what I think are correct regarding other people's musical tastes. If music is important to you it will be a big deal to your relationship. I think it comes down to if they a person who enjoys music and is willing to listen to something and evaluate it on it's own merits. Lots of music is really good, and most decent rational people will probably like what I like, because frankly I think it is good music.
If you are what I like in people and I am what you like in people then most likely we will like the same things in music/art/food/literature. I could love someone who didn't like my favorite bands if I could still have intelligent discourse about music with them. Furthermore, a person is more attractive if they have different tastes and they can enhance my life with it.


So, basically, you do your dating on Last.FM?
Tried that, did not end well.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lines on 14 Mar 2009, 13:55
Furthermore, a person is more attractive if they have different tastes and they can enhance my life with it.

This.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Allybee on 14 Mar 2009, 14:32
yeah, that makes a ton of sense to me. maybe I should amend my terminology; by "taste" I mean "general inclination," as in, I seek a partner who shares an inclination towards the same types of music. I guess "taste" implies that I'm expecting someone to like every band that I do.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Sox on 14 Mar 2009, 15:15
Strip away all your possessions. They're not important.
Strip away your clothes. Those aren't important either.
Hair? Nuh-uh.
Interest? Nah.
Face? Forget it.
Picture yourself naked, completely exposed, in the middle of a nothing. A big nothing where your favourite bands, TV shows, activities do not exist.
Everything is a dressing, we are more than a sum of our interest. There are ugly people and there are beautiful people. All covered in dressing.

The outcome of relationships has little to do with dressing beyond initial attraction.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Alex C on 14 Mar 2009, 17:06
Regarding music, it's only borderline irrelevant if you think it is.

I think the important thing is to realize that the converse is also true; music is only really relevant if people think it is. Quite simply, some people use music to define themselves and send messages about who they are as a person while other people may just be listening to music because somebody happened to leave the radio on at work. While music can be representative of a person's values and personalities, there's also going to be plenty of times where making judgements based on musical tastes will be roughly as accurate as reading tea leaves; hell, sometimes it's going to be markedly less accurate since music often carries cultural baggage that a casual listener may be unaware of. For example, Jimmy posted that he likes black metal and is in a black metal band. There's any number of assumptions I could try and make based off that information, but at the end of the day, all I would be doing is trying to see how what stereotypes I can match Jimmy up to in my head. Call me crazy, but that just seems like a rather poor way of going about things.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Beren on 14 Mar 2009, 17:14
Quote
Everything is a dressing, we are more than a sum of our interest. There are ugly people and there are beautiful people. All covered in dressing.

All I am imagining are naked people slathered in ranch.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Sox on 14 Mar 2009, 17:41
In the end, aren't we all just naked monkeys dipped in ranch dressing?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: BrittanyMarie on 14 Mar 2009, 17:47
freak folk (Akron/Family, old Animal Collective, etc.), 80s/90s indie pop (Beat Happening, The Vaselines, etc.)

Julia, you should give me your boyfriend.

And actually I prefer it when the boy's tastes and my tastes are similar but not the same like how you and he are. This is why I gravitate slightly toward more rock oriented dudes, cuz I am still hell of tweepop (I bought a Murder City Devils album today though to maybe balance it out more. It's the one with Boom Swagger Boom which is the best song)
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: MrBlu on 14 Mar 2009, 18:01
I have never listened to Jawbreaker, so no. Sometimes I will eat a jawbreaker, though.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jimmy the Squid on 14 Mar 2009, 18:18
Naw, b, it's because I have a sense of humour.

Methinks our senses of humour do not match up well.

see, I basically don't date, so I feel really silly talking about this. but would any of you dump someone if they were really, hideously ugly? like, be honest with yourself. if you're just not attracted to someone, then you aren't, and that's hard to overlook. and for me, physical attraction is not totally unimportant, but there are certain other things that play into attraction. I would rather not date a guy with terrible music taste in the same way I wouldn't want to date a guy with a terrible sense of humor.

then again, I really don't date. I feel kind of shallow now.
I know it probably sounds a bit shallow but you can't fuck a personality. I've known people who were entirely fun, charming and genuinely lovely people but if there is no physical, sexual attraction there then there is little point pursuing a relationship as it will ultimately fail (this is different when someone's physical attractiveness is altered later by external factors; accidents, diseases etc...). In the end there needs to be enough physical attraction to create the impetus for a relationship to be initiated or it would just never go anywhere, you'd just be friends.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 20 jazz funk greats on 14 Mar 2009, 18:20
If they refuse to listen to music that you happen to like and always play stuff they like when you are around there might be a problem.

my boyfriend doesn't exactly refuse to listen to my music, but he just seems really disinterested in it, and there have been times when i have sent him stuff that i thought he might enjoy, and he'll be all like "oh hey, this is kind of nice" and then go back to listening to linkin park and other awful things. i don't think this is a total dealbreaker, but it feels like a slap in the face because i am a huge music geek, and i can't even discuss music with him without him seeming disinterested, and it's somewhat disappointing.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: MrBlu on 14 Mar 2009, 19:15
see, I basically don't date, so I feel really silly talking about this. but would any of you dump someone if they were really, hideously ugly? like, be honest with yourself. if you're just not attracted to someone, then you aren't, and that's hard to overlook. and for me, physical attraction is not totally unimportant, but there are certain other things that play into attraction. I would rather not date a guy with terrible music taste in the same way I wouldn't want to date a guy with a terrible sense of humor.

then again, I really don't date. I feel kind of shallow now.
Well physical attraction is an important part of a relationship, and personally, I wouldn't try to get into a relationship with someone I didn't already find attractive. Come on, I want a girl that I can walk with in broad daylight, not just at midnight.

On the music issue:

This new guy I'm dating has no taste whatsoever in music. He seriously thinks that U2 is a good band. I mean come on! But he's really really nice and I am still going out with him.
U2 is a good band.

Tried that, did not end well.
The most action I get from Last.FM is a Czech chick who's obsessed with Jamaicans/Brazilians/Africans.


She is cute tho'.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Yunior on 14 Mar 2009, 19:57
Ally, come to Northwestern. "But he's so funny" is pretty much our tagline.

On the topic of music tastes/common interests, I feel as if I inadvertently got myself into a bit of a pickle. On the one hand, I tend to be attracted to guys who share my taste in some facet of pop culture; on the other, I totally, totally abhor the elitist attitude that that taste generally comes with. So I am initially limiting myself to a fairly small portion of my immediate dating pool, and then further narrowing it down to the few dudes who maintain a kind of snobbish taste with a fairly populist attitude. Is this ridiculous?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: tommydski on 14 Mar 2009, 20:06
I once dated a girl that kept trying to make me listen to Good Charlotte.

This girl (http://photos-c.ak.fbcdn.net/photos-ak-snc1/v2095/55/6/1402230136/n1402230136_30475474_9349.jpg) likes Good Charlotte.

If this is an issue for you, it is not her taste I am questioning.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: nobo on 14 Mar 2009, 21:19
Ally, come to Northwestern. "But he's so funny" is pretty much our tagline.


dating scene at northwestern pretty bare? a lot of my friends struggled to find cool people to date when we went there.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jace on 15 Mar 2009, 00:04
Fuck you, relationships  :x
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 15 Mar 2009, 00:12
Tommy surely you aren't suggesting physical beauty as a metric for the values of someone's opinions?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: tommydski on 15 Mar 2009, 00:14
I believe that's what I'm refuting.

Or was attempting to anyhow.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: valley_parade on 15 Mar 2009, 05:56
I have never listened to Jawbreaker, so no. Sometimes I will eat a jawbreaker, though.

I could swear we played Jawbreaker for you at Bostoncon.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lines on 15 Mar 2009, 07:40
If you did, it wasn't worth remembering. Oh snap.

(I don't remember Jawbreaker, but I do remember Boris and that you did play some other stuff and it just wasn't my cup of tea.)
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: valley_parade on 15 Mar 2009, 07:49
I am pretty sure Jawbreaker fell into that category.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: onewheelwizzard on 15 Mar 2009, 08:45
On the "how important is musical taste?" issue ...

It is not important to me that someone listens to the same music I do.  However, if someone does, it is definitely an indicator to me that they might listen to that music for the same reasons as I do, which is really really attractive to me because it means we can share the experience of listening to music by enjoying the same aspects of it.  I personally listen mainly to slower, deeper, more psychedelic, more bass-heavy music as a general rule, and I do it because I like to feel overwhelmed by sound, and it is cool when a piece of music causes a reaction in me that I am not exactly in control of.  I like music that takes me out of myself due to some aspect of the sound itself (reference points: the guitar solo in "Indian Bones" by Dead Meadow, or the bass drop in "Rutten" by Skream ... these specific moments in these songs consistently create physical sensations in my body and therefore alter my mind in their own way, and it's moments like that that I look for in music).

It's not that I want someone who has the same list of artists in their iTunes as I do.  It's that I want someone who, when I am given a new experience by a piece of music, can share that reaction with me or at least sense what is happening in me when I have it ... in other words, someone who listens for the same things in music as I do.

I have trouble connecting on a musical level to someone who listens to music primarily for lyrics.  Lyrics are generally last on my list of priorities when I listen to a piece of music, so someone who listens to music for completely different reasons from mine will probably not be able to understand why I listen to the music I listen to ... and that's more important than actually sharing interest in the specific artists I listen to, by a long shot.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 15 Mar 2009, 11:55
Dear Relationship Advice thread,

How do you make friends?


Thanks,
Emaline
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: nobo on 15 Mar 2009, 12:46
i just hang out with my friend's friends and they eventually become my friends too. I don't remember how i got those first couple of friends though.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Metope on 15 Mar 2009, 13:03
I've met all of my close friends in school actually. My two best friends and I met when we were six, and we became friends because they thought I seemed lonely since I was the new kid in class and also very shy. One of them only came over to my house because her mom told her to do it. This is probably not the answers to how to make friends in general, but I think it's a cute story anyway.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: tania on 15 Mar 2009, 13:40
it's a lot easier when you're in school, admittedly. i met most of my current friends in classes and through my various part-time jobs, volunteer positions and other friends.
if you're not in school, finding something fun to do outside of work like taking some classes or volunteering might help you meet people who share your interests.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 15 Mar 2009, 13:47
Ok, let me rephrase my question


Dear Relationship thread,

How do you make friends if you are not in schol, stuck in a lease that won't be up until February, working 40 hours+ a week with people who think you are strange*, in a small town?

Thanks,
Emaline

*people who work in a record store think I have strange tastes in music. I was talking about playing music for my plants and one person said "just make sure you don't play anything strange or scary." And I said "well, I mostly play for them whatever I've been listening to lately" and their response was "right. Don't play anything strange for them"
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: snalin on 15 Mar 2009, 15:05
Emaline: do something in your free time.

Before I moved to where I live now, I had rather few good friends. Then a guy told me that there was a sword-fighting club in town, so I checked it out. It was awesome, incredibly nerdy, and all the people I have met there are completely awesome. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you need to find something that you really like, and find other people doing the same.


Dear relationship thread: last night I spoiled two guys chances of getting laid by flirting with the girls they were trying to sex up. The thing is, these girls are far too old for any flirtation between me and them to lead to anything. Does this mean that I'm a fucking bastard?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lines on 15 Mar 2009, 16:26
Emaline, try taking a community art class or something when you've got free time. Or go to bars and start conversations with people. You could even have a get together at your house and you tell your friends to invite other friends. I think most of the people I've met recently have been friends of friends and the internet.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 15 Mar 2009, 16:39
Recently, I have my two friends over whenever possible. They have no friends either. We once went to starbucks and posted an ad on craigslist telling people to meet us there. Nobody showed up.

The closest community college is in a town that the bus doesn't go to(yet. I think they are building a station closer to there, so maybe they will start having buses go there). I've thought about taking some classes there in the past, but not having a way to get there causes a lot of problems.

In my spare time recently, I've taken up playing my bass. On my porch. With my volume turned up to a decent level. I thought maybe people would say something to me, but no one has.
When I'm not playing bass, I am painting, which requires supplies, so I go to the art store a lot. I've tried talking to people there, but so far nothing.
When I'm not painting, I'm reading, which makes me go to Borders a lot. I've talked to some of the workers there, but nothing seems to go beyond, "you like Neil Gaimen? Me too!"
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: MrBlu on 15 Mar 2009, 21:14
Who doesn't like Neil Gaiman?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: ViolentDove on 15 Mar 2009, 21:46
Recently, I have my two friends over whenever possible. They have no friends either.

This doesn't make sense.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Yunior on 15 Mar 2009, 21:54
The bigger point to be drawn from those experiences is that most people at Borders are not there in active pursuit of friendship - they're there to buy a book, and get the fuck out. The burden is on you to charm their pants off, or do whatever it is you do, to kind of make your mark on their existence, and to instigate the opportunity for a second meet-up. Basically 1. give them a reason to want to see you again (your stellar personality and/or superior taste in whichever area of common interest) and 2. give them opportunity to see you again.

I am like the loneliest drifter, though, do not take my advice without a grain of salt.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: MrBlu on 16 Mar 2009, 01:37
Dear Relationship Advice thread,

How do you make friends?


Thanks,
Emaline
Go to parties with current friends. Or so what I do. Hang around Universities. :|
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Krina on 17 Mar 2009, 05:17
I would never dump somebody because they were hideously ugly. I don'T think I would even date them to begin with. I have this friend who I've had a thing for for years and when he finally was single and available and told me he was into me I couldn't even bring myself to touch him because I was grossed out by him. He's a fairly cool person, he just has poor personal hygiene. Like, he has the most amazing character which is probably what I was attracted to, but his teeth are yellow and he can't stop bitin his nails and he picks on himself all the time and cracks his knuckles and I wouldn't mind all of that at all if he could do it in private where I didn't have to see it, godamnit! I hope this doesn't make me a shallow bitch, but I'll risk that.

Anyhoo. Guys, can I ask some advice about a relationship question? I would really appreciate it because my situation is getting increasinly uncomfortable. it involves my flatmates though and I'm not sure if that counts. Advice would very much appreciated though. So I'm a girl, and I live in University halls in a flat with five other girls, none of whom I knew at all before we moved in together. There are three who behave like they are the bosses, and three "outsiders" one of which I am. Recently, the three bosses have really been going crazy. They put up these little notes, like instructions on how to do your dishes and stupid stuff like that. I mean, who do they think they are? I get along with the two other girls fairly well, they are my friends but sadly neither of them is home very much. So it's basically me against the three others. The situation is getting gradually worse, I really feel that they hate my guts. Why? because I'm different. I don't really know why. But whenever I come into the kitchen and they are there, it's incredibly uncomfortable. I'm really making an effort to be friendly, but they will barely say hello to me. They hold grudges for ages, too. I feel that they are punishing me for my life choiced and because I'm different. Yes, I like to have different boys over, so what? Apparently in their book, that makes me a slut who is best not talked to. They probably also notice that something is wrong with me, i.e. the bipolar thing, because I guess there is no way they coud NOT notice that. But coming clear about myself is out of the question, that is a fairly personal thing and I'll only tell that to people I like and who I feel comfortable with. I wouldn't want to give them any more ammunition against me. So maybe that makes them really insecure and they don't know how to treat me, but they don't ask me about it and instead choose to treat me with what I feel is contempt.

So I guess I have three options: a) Move the hell out. b) Ignore the narrow-minded prudes and let it be their problem. c) Try to make amends and improve the realtionship. I feel like I've attempted to do c) any number of times, but then I'll slip and a scruffy naked guy will walk from my room to the bathroom and one of them will see and be offended.

Sorry this is so longwinded. I guess I'm a little spaced out. All I want is to live with people who are open-minded and cool and around who I can just be myself and where I don't have to watch every goddamn step I make. Is that really too much to ask?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: elizaknowswhatshesfor on 17 Mar 2009, 05:37
Krina:

I've been in this situation from both sides, on one hand I've lived with two people in long tearm relationships and I'd just had a marrige enulled and gone a bit ummmm. "wild". My housemates were none too chuffed with a parade of scruffy men either. But it was the not keeping the house clean they really hated and blamed the fact I always had someone over for this fact, not to mention two people make more mess than one.

I've also rented my spare room to a guy who brought horrible skanky girls home, he actually locked me out of my own sitting room/kitchen to fuck one of them VERY loudly. I threw him out after that. These girls were so nasty I started locking a lot of my things in my room, I was honestly worried about them being stolen, which sucked as I owned then house. He was my lodger.

From both of these I reallised: Living with other people can be hard.
                                          My flat mates were sort of right, it can be a bit invasive if someone has people over all the time.
                                          Notes are for assholes, conversations are for grown - ups. If people on reality shows can sit down and talk about stuff ANYONE CAN!
                                          Living with people from the same social circle/lifestyle etc. is a very good idea (Unless they like boinking skanks.)
                                          My taste in men is not as bad as I thought .

Move out, or go back to theirs! Hope that's even slightly helpful.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Krina on 17 Mar 2009, 05:53
It's not as if I have terrible guys over ALL THE TIME. I have someone over probably twice a week, and those are mostly the same two guys. My flatmates have people over all the time and they make terrible noise. I don't think it's offending to them that I have people over, because we all do that - and apart from maybe some sex-noise which is definitively not crazy loud, we keep fairly quiet. We are certainly not the people who hoover at 9 am on a Sunday or play annoying charts music really loud at night. I have the impresson that they feel offended because I have guys over. None of the three mean girls is seeing anyone and I think that maybe they are really only jealous. One of the other girls has a boyfriend, and they made really petty jokes about how that girl and her boyfriend don't need to go to the gym instead because they have sex instead. How narropw-minded is that, please? If someone has a good sex-life, they should be happy for her, right? And the other day I got bashed because I had been to loud at night, but they made a point that I was making the noise with someone else. The vibe I get from them is that they begrudge me that I have boys coming over. As far as I know, none of them has had a date all year and none of them is what you'd call attractive so my guess is that they're really jealous. Does that make sense?

All I want is live in peace here, I don't feel the need to make these people my friends but it would be nice if we could just be polite to each other and be a little more accepting.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Caleb on 17 Mar 2009, 08:05
*people who work in a record store think I have strange tastes in music. I was talking about playing music for my plants and one person said "just make sure you don't play anything strange or scary." And I said "well, I mostly play for them whatever I've been listening to lately" and their response was "right. Don't play anything strange for them"

Wow.  Do they think that the plants will turn evil and carnivorous or something?

I am stuck in a similar situation of being in a smaller town with no friends.  Since I am 27 now I feel a bit strange trying to hang out with the college crowd.  All my old college friends are back west in the bigger cities.  I have been given the advice to try using the Internets to find people in my area but that has not worked.  Perhaps it's best to try to go to big community events and try to mingle?  I dunno.

If you happen to find a solution to this small town situation send me a note.  It sounds like you are trying to keep yourself social.  Keep it up.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 17 Mar 2009, 08:55
Krina, I'll be honest, you kinda sound like a not so great roommate. When I lived with my first roommate, he'd have different girls over every week, and that was all fine and dandy, but I'd often be kept awake by their sex noises, and then I'd get to see some random girl wrapped in a blanket or a towel or a tshirt come waltzing down the hall to go to the bathroom. Its fucking annoying. Just as I don't let my naked bits hang out in public areas, I'd expect the same respect from roommates and their... friends. You will never see me naked/half naked/verging on naked in the livingroom, kitchen, hallway, office(even though it is my office and not one else uses it), or back room. These are not proper places to be naked in a shared home.

So, if you have a boy(or many boys! Or girls! Or any consenting adult! Because its your life and your vagina and you can play with whoever you want) sharing a naked night with you, and he must absolutely run to the potty, make him put on a god damn shirt and some underwear.


And tell them about your bi polarness. People out terrible jerk faces who laugh at people with disorders that they cannot control. If anything they will probably be very understanding, and maybe it will explain a lot of your behavior to them.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Krina on 17 Mar 2009, 09:37
No, I actually make people wear underwear / my robe.

But telling them about myself is completely out of the question.

Edit: Apart from the sex thing, I think I'm a fairly decent roommate! I clean up after myself, I take the hair out of the shower drain, I take the trash out, I cook dinner for everybody. I don't play my music too loud. These are all qualities that have made people like living with me in the past. I make an honest effort to be friendly to everybody. As for the sex thing, am I seriously expected not to have sex anymore just because I live with other people? This has never been a problem for me before because in the past I've always lived with people who were having sex as well - everybody did it and nobody complained. I don't think we're all that loud either, it's not as if I am a domina or anything. I'm sure not the person who is having a party in the flat without telling the other flatmates beforehand or inviting them!

Dire Bacterium, yes, one of them is a Christian, I don't know about the others. 
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Reed on 17 Mar 2009, 09:40
I don't suppose any of your roommates are religious, are they? Their behavior is very similar to some of the deeply christian people I've known, and if that is true of them there is no helping you. They will judge you as long as they know you and there isn't anything you can do about it.

(note: I'm not referring to all christians, just the ones that I have known who behave this way)
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 20 jazz funk greats on 17 Mar 2009, 09:52
krina, i've been in your situation, except i'd always have the SAME guy over, he made sure not to walk around naked, and offered to help cook and clean and we didn't actually spend a lot of time IN the apartment cause that got boring quickly so we didn't infringe on their personal space.

i don't think i was a horrible roommate. it's just that the girls i ended up living with during first year of university were sheltered hermits.  :|  during my second year of university, i lived with a more social group of girls, was dating the same guy, and they actually liked him and said he could stay over as often as he wanted.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: benji on 17 Mar 2009, 11:29
Some people just can't live together well. Try your best to talk things out, and if that doesn't work, consider moving out. Also, remember that you can't control their behavior but you can control yours. If there is little stuff that can be done (cleaning up more, etc.) do your best to do it, just in the interest of peace.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Drill King on 17 Mar 2009, 14:23
Dear relationship thread,

A year ago I modeled for a guy, we have kept in vague contact since. I ran into him a cafe in Halifax(where I am right now), last night. We got to talking but he was just on a work break so he asked if he could have my email, later on last night he messages me on msn from his phone, asking me out to lunch today, because while he would like to go for dinner, he had to work at 2pm because of patty's day. I have never been on a proper date(Like, where I was not already someone's girlfriend for a month or so). So I figured why not, I say yes and there are a few more things, anyhow, he calls me when he gets off at 3am(I told him he could do this) when he got off work. Telling me to be ready around 11:30 so he could pick me up(I am unfamiliar with the bus system here so), but that he'd call around 11 to make sure I got up(I was a bit tipsy). Basically he was really forward and precise and seemed extremely interested and flirty. Now a few of the meeblers have told me I am too attractive for an admittedly eh looking but quite charming russian guy.

Today, woke up, got ready, sat about, waited, no call, waited, no pick up, waited waited, it's 6pm now and I am suitably confused. He has updated his facebook and seems like things are usual for him. So did I get stood up? What have I done wrong here.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: KvP on 17 Mar 2009, 14:35
Slap him in his dumb russkie face.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Ozymandias on 17 Mar 2009, 14:40
With your cock.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: benji on 17 Mar 2009, 14:57
So did I get stood up?

Sounds as though.

Quote
What have I done wrong here.

Nothing. This happens to people from time to time, usually through no fault of their own. Maybe he chickened out. Maybe he remembered he already has a girlfriend. Maybe he's just an asshole.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Dazed on 17 Mar 2009, 14:58
With his severed cock.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: nobo on 17 Mar 2009, 15:15
well, he is russian, and all russians are douchebags.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 17 Mar 2009, 15:31
I must fail at roommates. I feel that my roommates are some of my closest friends, and that there are certain things they should know. Being open with someone while living with them, definitely makes everyone's lives easier. My current roommates knows about my depression, my low self esteem, and my sexual prefrence. I've been at the same job for a year and they maybe know that I have low self esteem, but that's it. And I've partied with these people. Its just a lot easier to understand someone when you know more about them.

But whatevs. Obviously, I am wrong. And you should keep secrets from people you have to live with because it works out so well, and makes everyone's lives easier.



Sorry. I am being a passive agressive bitch.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Krina on 17 Mar 2009, 16:01
@ tender and benji:

I totally respect the common space. I always clean up after myself immediately, so that's not the issue. I just think it's really anal that they are playing the notes game. I mean, the polite thing to do would be to say it, or am I completely mistaken here? Also, due to my ups and downs I'm probably not the easiest person to live with, but I always make a point of being friendly and polite to everyone. But it's not all that nice to come into the kitchen, say "Hi everybody, how are you" with a smile and just be completely ignored. I don't want to control anybody's behaviour, but I think that basic politeness is the least I can expect, right? I feel that I really am persona non grata and the atmosphere is becoming toxic.

Also, yes, we all have our own rooms.

What I can do is change my room (I live in halls) if I pay 25 pounds. I guess I'll make an enquiry about that, and/or call a flat-meeting. I'm just in a pretty weak position, and I really want to humiliate myself in front of them. I feel like I've made numerous attempts to ameliorate the communication in the flat.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 0bsessions on 17 Mar 2009, 17:15
Krina, I'll be completely honest here:

You just kind of sound like you're a shitty roommate living with other relatively, but not quite as shitty roommates. The thing that leads me to believe this is:

I'll slip and a scruffy naked guy will walk from my room to the bathroom and one of them will see and be offended.

No, I actually make people wear underwear / my robe.

These two statements? See them here? They aren't what I would call reconcilable. It leads me, the reader, to believe that you are glossing over details that may make you look unfavorable. Considering I already feel you look unfavorable in this situation, it's not helping.

Quote
But telling them about myself is completely out of the question.

This is, without question, a mistake. You have, apparently, a very serious mental disorder that has a large effect on one's social characteristics. You have this disorder and are living with five other people and you owe it to them, as a member of this small community, to give them an understanding as to what they are dealing with.

I'm twenty-five years old and have, since I was eighteen, lived with sixteen different people by last count, so I have my fair share of roommate knowledge. You are perpetrating one of the more annoying problems a roommate can make, and that is the overly open individual. Sex is cool and all, but you need to realize that you live with and must respect the wishes and boundaries of five other people. There are few things more annoying than seeing a half naked person you do not know wandering around in your hallway. Honestly, ANY coupling that involves a person who does not live there tends to be a pain in the ass, as that's one more person clogging your bathroom and infringing upon your living space that you didn't sign on for. This is doubly annoying when you're already forced to live with multiple people. You shouldn't be expected to stop having sex, but you also need to accept that you're not going to win any friends with the behavior you're exhibiting.

Please, when you respond to this, refrain from using the term "small/narrow/closed-minded" you've officially used up the entire planet's quota of that already overused and misunderstood phrase for the better part of the next decade. Seriously, I'm not seeing any real small mindedness in your description. Not everyone is open about their sexuality. If anything, you're being small minded in your refusal to accept their social mores. To be honest,t his entire thing reeks of late teen melodrama to me. My advice? Find a new living situation, this is not the one for you.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: tania on 17 Mar 2009, 18:22
all russians are douchebags.

hey, i'm... wait, yeah, you're right.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Allybee on 17 Mar 2009, 18:41
if I'm half russian, am I just a bag?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: tommydski on 17 Mar 2009, 18:44
I'm also part Russian. Maybe I'm just a douche?

Please write your own vaginal irrigation punchline and have fun with the joke.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 0bsessions on 17 Mar 2009, 18:45
I am not Russian at all. Inexplicably, I am kind of a douche.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: KvP on 17 Mar 2009, 19:06
if I'm half russian, am I just a bag?
you're more of an ucheb.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: tania on 17 Mar 2009, 19:17
not all douches and bags are russians, though. not even all douchebags. see the following diagram -

(http://img6.imageshack.us/img6/1285/russians.png)

unfortunately i am not good enough at diagrams to incorporate half-russians into this.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 17 Mar 2009, 19:23
Umm...



I am obviously a prevert, because that looks kinda dirty to me.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Ozymandias on 17 Mar 2009, 19:27
You know, I think douches and bags are two separate circles, and a douchebag is a subset of bags. Hold on, let me diagram this in UML.

(http://www.pretentiousgamer.com/photos/douchebaguml.bmp)

See, Douchebags are a type of bag and an essential part of a douche. Russians, meanwhile, are a type of douchebag.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: nobo on 17 Mar 2009, 19:47
Ozy, I think you hit the nail right on the head with that diagram.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 20 jazz funk greats on 17 Mar 2009, 21:17
well, he is russian, and all russians are douchebags.

</3
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: KvP on 17 Mar 2009, 21:36
well, he is russian, and all russians are douchebags.

</3
(http://forums.questionablecontent.net/index.php?action=dlattach;attach=4972;type=avatar)
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Inlander on 17 Mar 2009, 21:44
In my experience Russians are douchebags until such time as you manage to communicate with them. If you can't speak the same language as them then they'll walk over your broken body if it's between them and the subway ticket office. But if, while they're doing so, you manage to croak out in Russian "please help me", they'll suddenly drop everything and drive you to the ambulance in their crappy little Russian car and personally make sure you get a room and medical attention.

But that might just be St. Petersburgians.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Skibas_clavicle on 17 Mar 2009, 21:56
We're not all horrible monsters, Harry! Yah, but that does sum up most of us pretty well. However, this brief stint of people owning up to their Soviet heritage proves we are total hotties, though. Look at the evidence.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: tania on 17 Mar 2009, 22:05
i hear people in moscow are douchebags too. my sister spent a year or so working there and made literally zero friends because nobody would talk to her beyond providing the absolute bare minimum help she needed with anything. there were a number of occasions where she tried to make eye contact with people and they would do this thing where they'd very obviously look away and in the opposite direction or, even worse, turn around and walk away from her in mid-conversation. she's actually a really outgoing talkative person too. i don't think i could ever go to russia because i am shy and afraid of everyone and the people would probably definitely make me cry.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Elizzybeth on 18 Mar 2009, 00:45
Okay, so, relationship thread, maybe you can help me.

The back story's pretty typical: When I was 15, I dated this guy with whom I was madly in love.  I had lusted after him for a year, we went out for six months, and then he broke my heart.  So it goes.

I've been dating this guy who I really do love for about a year. We're very compatible, he's incredibly sweet, we've got similar life goals, we've been living together for six months, and we have a lot of fun together most of the time.  That said, I've never felt as consistently crazy about him as I did about that ex (in fact, I've never felt so consistently crazy about anyone else I've dated).  I know, however, that in any kind of real, sustainable relationship, you're not going to be madly in love all the time.  And I have plenty of moments where I'm all melty inside over my current boyfriend, even after a year together.  So I'm in general not too worried about it.

The problem is that I've been having these weird dreams where I get all makey-outy and sometimes have sexytimes with that ex (who I haven't seen in about a year, mind you, and he has a girlfriend, and he's actually kind of an asshole).  And I tell him about my boyfriend now.  And I decide it's okay for me to cheat, because it feels good, and because I still love him.  And I wake up feeling guilty--really, really guilty.  I consider telling my boyfriend, but I feel like it'd be weird and would make him feel unnecessarily insecure.

Is it normal to have dreams like that?  Do I subconsciously believe I'm "settling" for my boyfriend (maybe it's telling that I considered phrasing this question, "Am I settling...")?  Am I being deceitful in not talking about this with him?  Or is it okay for me to keep them mentally filed as a set of ridiculous dreams, try to forget them, and move on with my life?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jimmy the Squid on 18 Mar 2009, 02:43
Yes. It is entirely normal to have dreams like that. No, in all likelihood you do not believe you are settling for your boyfriend. No, you are not at all being deceitful, it is just a dream, chill out. It is totally acceptable for you to file them away in your memory along with the lyrics to that Duran Duran song and the name of that guy you met at the post office and just lose it entirely. Whatever you do, DO NOT TELL HIM, ELIZZYBETH, WHAT ARE YOU STUPID??? It will just make him feel bad or that he's doing something wrong and really, it's probably just your psyche feeling a little sexy and dredging up a symbol of passion and lust from your subconcious.

It sounds like perhaps you are feeling a little bored in your current relationship, as you say you've been going out for a year and typically, or so I've read, every three months or so you tend to reevaluate your relationships, is it going well, is this guy right for me etc... That doesn't mean that anything is wrong and sounds perfectly natural to me. Also since you were 15 when you dated this other guy you probably were all madly in love with him but that's really just a side effect of all the crazy teenage hormones making you feel everything (not just love) much more accutely. My theory, based on limited information and entirely subject to change, is that maybe you're still in love with the ideal of your ex and the passion and lust that went along with that relationship even though he treated you badly and your current relationship sounds like a much better fit.

My advice, and if I had my masters degree I could say it was my professional opinion, is that you should maybe do something to make your current relationship a little more interesting. Go out somewhere you haven't been before/in ages. Have sex somewhere different than in the boring old bedroom (even if it's just somewhere else in the house, but make sure any housemates are out at the time). Try different positions, stuff you haven't done before, stuff you've both been fantasising about. Best case scenario is that it is all terribly sexy and awesome, worst case scenario someone falls over and gets lacerations/concussions/a broken coccyx and awkward questions at the emergency room.  Any or all of these but particularly the last two would help to release some of the pent up sexual energy you might have that is bouncing around inside you and manifesting in sexy dreams about terrible guys.

The very fact that this worries you and makes you feel so guilty means that you probably have a pretty good relationship going there and that you're probably just feeling like it's a little humdrum. Some spontaneous action should alleviate that feeling.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: nobo on 18 Mar 2009, 04:26
well, he is russian, and all russians are douchebags.

</3

I think that as a Pole my opinion is historically justified.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: benji on 18 Mar 2009, 07:23
My theory, based on limited information and entirely subject to change, is that maybe you're still in love with the ideal of your ex and the passion and lust that went along with that relationship even though he treated you badly and your current relationship sounds like a much better fit.

This is pretty spot on. You will probably never have that same emotional rush you did with him. You will never again have your first love. That doesn't mean that your current relationship isn't as deep. It probably has the potential to be deeper. But you're older now and that rush of emotions will never come again. A large part of that is that it was the first time you experienced those emotions, and so everything was new and exciting.

Regarding dreaming about your ex: I still dream about all of my exes from time to time, and someone from college that I had thing for but that we could never quite make happen. It happens. It's generally not a big deal.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: pwhodges on 18 Mar 2009, 07:30
But you're older now and that rush of emotions will never come again.

Based on my own experience in my mid 40s, I would disagree.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: benji on 18 Mar 2009, 08:21
Okay, could be wrong. I've definately been more in love then I was with my first love, but I've never again had the confusing euphoric rush where I didn't know which end is up.

EDIT: I should also say that I was incredibly rushed with that first post, and probably should have thought about what I was saying a bit more. What I meant was, falling in love will never be a completely new experience again. There's always excitement with relationships, but I think after you've been through it once or twice, you kind of understand the feelings a bit more. That sense of something new and unexpected is always exciting, and I think it's a uniquely intense experience when it's not just a new person or a new stage in the relationship, but when the idea of being in a relationship is something entirely new.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Alex C on 18 Mar 2009, 10:13
Sadly, Russia sounds like the place for me. I try to keep interaction to a minimum unless I already have a rapport with the person. It's honestly fairly random and inexplicable when I feel at all interested in someone.

Unless they're pretty.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Krina on 18 Mar 2009, 13:19
Obsessions - thanks for your point of view. I'll make a point of not using the term "narrow-minded". ;) I'm pretty sure that I only said that because I was upset and I needed to vent. Can you see that? Also, if people talk about their issues, they tend to voice things in a fairly subjective manner. I'd NEVER say to my flatmates "you narrow-minded, stuck-up bitches!". I try to make a point of treating people the way I want to be treated, so I'm really trying hard to be friendly and polite to people, no matter whether I like them or not.

You're right, it sounds like teen drama. What can I say, you live and learn. But I'm honestly trying. I mean, I asked you guys for advice, for example, doesn't that say something? I know I'm fairly immature, which is because I was brought up as an extremely sheltered little princess. So adapting to the real world doesn't always go without bumps along the road.

You might have a point that it would be better to be upfront about my issue. However - I've been in that situation where I've had to explain about myself A LOT. In my experience, a lot of people have prejudices against that sort of thing. I've experienced that if you feel uncomfortable with telling someone about that sort of thing, it's probably best if you don't do it. That's just my experience, I appreciate your viewpoint, but in the end I guess I just have to do what feels right to me because it's me who's living my life and not you. Also, and I will word this extremely careful so as not to step on any landmines, in my very limited experience of the world in general and the matter of living with people in especial, people who have very set opinions on how the dishes have to be done and how the kitchen furniture has to be arranged and who talk about other people the way my flatmates do, *might* not be the most open-minded people in the world and therefore *might*, just might, not be all that open-minded about mental issues. Of course I could be proven wrong, but the risk is too big for me. If you tell something like that to the wrong person, it can completely ruin a person's reputation, I've seen it happen and I really don't want that to happen to me. Once I've said the words, I can't take them back. Also, everybody has their ups and downs, and as long as I manage to be civil and not throw a tantrum in public and manage to be polite, I don't think I owe anybody any explanation about myself.

Also, I'm not really sure why you have the impression that I'm a "kind of a shitty roommate". The naked thing happened once or twice. I probably should have been clearer about that. Yes, I have boys over. However, my flatmates have their friends over too, and probably more so than me. Hell, one of the other girls basically has her best friend living here. Yes, sex noise can be a pain. However, I'm not the only one - one of the other girls has her boyfriend over all the time. Also, people will have sex, there's nothing you can do to prevent it. Apart from castration maybe? (joke) The girls I don't get on with that well made jokes about my flatmat's sex life that seemed inappropriate to me. Also, it doesn't seem right to me if people make jokes about MY friend in MY presence. Hence the "narrow-minded" comment. Apart from the fact that I am a sexual being, I'm fairly quiet, I don't have gatherings without talking to the others about it beforehand, I clean up my mess. I've lived with a fair share of people as well and I've been to boarding school (in boarding school, you could count yourself lucky if other people were not having sex in your bed, having sex in the same room as other people was common practice) - I've never felt this uncomfortable with people I lived with before and most people I've lived with actually liked living with me. So I think it's really not all me!

Can I still post here or do you all think that I'm a horrible bitch now? :( I only wrote this essay to show you that I'm a decent person (I hope), I'm just a confused little girl who is TRYING, does that count for something?

It all doesn't really matter any more because I've found a new place to live.

tl;dr - I'm half Czech, what does that make me?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lines on 18 Mar 2009, 13:40
Honestly, from reading your posts, I think you just got stuck with bad roommates. I don't know them, so I can't say they are bad people, but some people just are not good roommates. One of my meatlife friends had a situation like this in college and it was really hard on her. The only way she could fix her situation was move out. She did it the nice way, though, by helping to find a replacement roommate and not just up and leaving. From the way they are treating you, first I think you should try to have a meeting with everyone in the house and try to figure out what's going on. If that doesn't improve anything, you should probably start looking for somewhere else to live and see if you can sublet your spot. You're supposed to feel welcome where you live, not feel like someone who's invading foreign territory.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: nobo on 18 Mar 2009, 14:41
Czechs are responsible for Pilsner Urquell and are therefore judged to be outstanding people.

Slovaks are also acceptable since Hostel 1 and 2 took place in their country.

The jury is still out on ukrainians, belarussians, and latvians.

Lithuanians are ok too.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Josefbugman on 18 Mar 2009, 14:47
Dear relationships thread, I am now the only remaining virgin in my house (at uni) usually I would not find this especially worrying, especially in regard to the fact that one of my housemates apparently needs... chemical help, in order to get it up. But I couldn't help but wonder as I walked through the park today as to wether or not I am not having a relationship because I don't want one, or because I am too afraid to, I mean I had a relationship last year and it was bad, I certainly did not enjoy it despite liking the person I was with, but I am not sure wether that shows willingness to engage with other people or simply fear of my own sexuality.

I mean, is it because I actually don't want sex that I am not looking for anything? Is it so that I don't change my current personality at all and I have convinced myself that I have reached a peak of development? Is it because the housemates are somewhat silly and I think "If they can do it, so can I"? or is it just plain fear of getting turned down?

Welcome to hear your thoughts (based on what you know of me) and I hope this doesn't come across as slimy whining.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: pwhodges on 18 Mar 2009, 17:08
I am now the only remaining virgin in my house (at uni)

This is of no importance.  Lasting relationships don't generally come by planning, but by serendipity (and not being a hermit, I guess).  A willingness not to block them out is assumed, but actually will come of itself when the circumstances call for it.  In my case I had no relationships at all until I left university - I then went on to marry and bring up a family, so clearly being a late starter was no particular disadvantage to me.  OK, that marriage ended after 22 years, but I'm not embarrassed by that.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 18 Mar 2009, 17:28
I have had no relationships and I am just about done university!
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: MrBlu on 18 Mar 2009, 17:45
My friends like to remind me that I'm doing something wrong because I hAven't lost my virginity at 12. I'm 16.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Alex C on 18 Mar 2009, 18:11
I always cringe a bit when I hear things like that.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Drill King on 18 Mar 2009, 18:44
My friends like to remind me that I'm doing something wrong because I hAven't lost my virginity at 12. I'm 16.

Your friends are stupid and are probably the kind of people who shouldn't be having sex at an early age.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Dunxco on 18 Mar 2009, 19:43
Agreed with Drill King. Your friends sound like douchebags. Harsh I know, but I calls them likes I sees them.

Besides, what's the big deal? Most of the people I know (myself included) who have discussed their first sexual encounter usually follow the same routine; "It was awkward and bumpy". Geez, sounds like something real fun to look forward to on paper now, doesn't it? It's the initial hump (no pun intended, although feel free to chastise me for it) that's the big issue. Have sex when you feel ready and all the stuff, rather than be pressured into it.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 18 Mar 2009, 20:15
I lost my virginity at 14, and have had sex with 12 other people since then. I feel pretty gross about it, and regret a lot of it. Vaule yourselves, kids. I didn't learn that meaningless sex is just kind of like eating white rice. It's good every once in awhile, but honestly, its just really really boring.

Save sex for someone who actually means something to you. And I don't mean, "wait until you're married," or "only have sex with the person you love." I mean, have sex with someone who's name you'll remember forever, someone important. And its fine to have a number of important people.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Alex C on 18 Mar 2009, 20:42
To me it's less about self-respect and more about STDs, pregnancy and the simple fact that the world isn't really built so that teenagers can get ahead in life while dealing with pregnancy and potentially parenthood. The whole thing is a mess that could be easily avoided by exercising a bit of restraint and waiting until nobody but you and your partner have any say in the decision you make. I'm a big believer in the KISS principle and teen sex can introduce a degree of difficulty into life that I wouldn't wish upon anyone.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 18 Mar 2009, 20:51
I just mean in general. Fucking everything that breathes isn't a good idea.

Teenagers shouldn't be having sex all the time, either. Basically, if you can't afford the consequences, you shouldn't be banging.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lines on 18 Mar 2009, 21:02
I have had no relationships and I am just about done university!

Same. (Minus the fact I am done with uni, not almost done.)

Don't get too bogged down by it. I know a few people, myself included, who got through all of college and still had their virginity. I haven't had a relationship mostly because I can't seem to find anyone that I can get attached to and/or that isn't an idiotic douche. If you're worried you're scared about it, you may just not be ready, which is fine. Everyone gets to that point at their own time. You're still young! Enjoy your life. And if your friends keep ragging you about it, tell them to shut up, because they are being dicks.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: tommydski on 18 Mar 2009, 21:47
As a complete slut of truly insatiable standing, I wish I had spent less of my youth trying to get laid/sleeping with the wrong people/sleeping with friends/making key life decisions based on getting laid. I'd probably have achieved a lot more with my life and have real friends.

Sex is a neat bonus but never ever make it the focus of your life, even in the short term. I know that's a ridiculous thing for me of all people to say but this is one of those circumstances whereby I would encourage everyone to take this advice from one who certainly knows it to be true.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Elizzybeth on 18 Mar 2009, 22:20
Whatever you do, DO NOT TELL HIM, ELIZZYBETH, WHAT ARE YOU STUPID??? [...]
My advice, and if I had my masters degree I could say it was my professional opinion, is that you should maybe do something to make your current relationship a little more interesting.

Noted!  And thank you for your advice.  I think you're right, and I'll give it a try.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: negative creep on 18 Mar 2009, 22:24
Yeah maybe if I had less sex I'd finally be more successful in life. Gonna think about that.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: calenlass on 18 Mar 2009, 22:30
So even though this was a long time ago, it seems like a good question to ask this thread: When you have been dating someone for a long time (like, a year or so) and have been faking it the entire time, when you finally get fed up with how your sex life is going, how do you broach the subject? How do you tell them you've been faking for 13 months and that it isn't as good as you make it seem? Do you tell them at all, or slowly work things you like into it unobtrusively? I have wondered about this for years now.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 18 Mar 2009, 22:37
Yeah lizzybeth you are a human being and you will think these thoughts sometimes. It's cool. I would postulate that your first head-over-heals thing is like when a bird breaks out of it's egg and mother-fixates on whatever is there. Life will go on.


Katie, I don't know, maybe drop it into conversation that you sometimes fake. I think I would be a bit crushed if a lady just came out and said 'uh, yeah, nothing, the past year, nothing at all' but I would definitely want to try to make it better. Just pretend it is not an always thing because that could make sex super-aggravating and get him too anxious which would not help things.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: KvP on 18 Mar 2009, 22:48
Honestly I would say if you've been hiding it for a year don't even bring it up unless you want to be fatally hurtful and permanently burn your bridges. If you tell him then chances are for the rest of his life, every time he hops in the sack his inability to pleasure a woman will be nibbling in the back of his head. There's no sensitive way to break that to someone. It's that twofer of the dishonesty and the average male's self-esteem being intertwined with his performance in bed. It's the nuclear option for the spurned girlfriend.

So I would say, if you dig the guy in other ways, let on that you're bored with the sex you've been having and try to find a method of lovemaking that you do enjoy, together, with no mention of the faking. If you're trying new things out and they're not bringing you to where you want to go you can maybe be honest about that? But make it clear that your vanilla life prior (however vanilla it was) is something you're not going to return to because it's worn thin, not because it's been thin the whole time. If you don't want to go to all that trouble but you like the guy enough not to throw the lye in his eyes, break up with him but don't say a word about the faking, no matter what.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: BrittanyMarie on 19 Mar 2009, 08:01
Yeah, I don't think I'd tell him I'd been faking but the best way would be just to tell him what you do like. "It would be really hot if you...", "[blank] turns me on" which I think people should probably do from the very beginning anyway.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Josefbugman on 19 Mar 2009, 09:42
I can sort of understand the justifications people give to me for "not having sex" but I wish they were a bit more honest. I mean two of my friends (both girls) have said "oh yeah sex is nothing to be too excited about, its not that much fun you know?" and then probably go off to have some of the most complicated of romantic entanglements I have known for a good long while and I can't help but go "oh come on people!"

The problem is (and this is meant as no reflection on you guys) but I have heard all the arguements before, and whilst convincing the first couple of times, mean bugger flippin' all when put up against the way in which everyone surrounding me seems to be throwing themselves at other people in a desperate attempt to get their things stuck in other peoples things... or visa versa.

anyway sorry to rant, hope everyones having a good day.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: snalin on 19 Mar 2009, 10:01
tl;dr - I'm half Czech, what does that make me?

Hot. Incredibly so.


Dear relationship thread: I'm a teenager and my hormones are trying to eat my brains out with lust. What do I do?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: benji on 19 Mar 2009, 10:10
Josef, I don't think you should read Tommy as saying sex isn't good. It is enjoyable (most of the time) and it is important to (most) people. But obsessing about it probably won't get you anywhere. If you're primarily starting a relationship with someone, going somewhere, or doing something is because it's the course of action most likely to get you laid, you're probably not doing the best thing for your life in general. I'm a big fan of letting your life be your life and having a relationship when you want one.
Then again, I haven't slept with anyone since my ex-fiance and I split, and that was over a year ago now, so maybe I don't know what I'm talking about.

Concerning your friends who tell you it's not all that important and then get in to all of these romantic entanglements, consider the possibility that your friends might be more like smokers trying to tell you that smoking isn't all that cool then like a doctor telling you about the risks of lung cancer. Once you allow yourself to make your life about sex, it's hard to break that habit. That doesn't necessarily mean you're wrong for saying to others "don't make your life about sex." My minister/mentor tells me regularly "we've got to preach beyond our practice." If all the advice we ever give to people stops at the point where we are personally, we can never inspire anyone to be better then we are. Given that we're all pretty flawed human beings, that would be pretty limited advice.

Your original question, "am I not in a relationship because I don't want to be, or am I just afraid?" that's a good question to ask yourself and I ask myself that a lot. I know I'm shy about romance. I also know that this would be a pretty rotten time for me to start a relationship with someone (with one possible exception). Keep asking yourself that question, and if there is someone, go ahead and take the plunge and ask them out (I am completely ignoring my own advice right now, I might post more about that here later).
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: negative creep on 19 Mar 2009, 10:10
Snalin, take a cold shower.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Josefbugman on 19 Mar 2009, 10:22
I do think about it a little too much. hmmm interesting area to examine, thanks dude. My life in general at the moment is sedentary, I am trying to rock the oat a little and I figured the best way to do that is to make a major change, though sex may not be one of them.

By the way, I would just like to point out a small hole in the reasoning of "preaching beyond yourself" as you put it, surely it is far better to rely on your own ideas and experience than it is to try and inspire things in other people? I mean how can you prove that beyond you is any better? and if it is then why aren't you doing it? (sorry, been doing theological reading for the last week or so, so I am stuck in that mindset)

Thanks for the advice dude.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: benji on 19 Mar 2009, 11:49
No need to apologize to me for being too theological. I'm probably starting seminary in about 6 months, and currently act as one of the lay-ministry leaders of my church. That flaw you point to assumes a rational actor model, which is itself flawed, especially when dealing with individuals. I'm a person. I have faults which I can be aware of, and work to overcome those faults. I can also help people to work on those faults in themselves, even if I haven't yet overcome them. If I can't do this, then I have no business being a religious leader. Example: one of my faults is that I'm shy about romance. I can overcome this fault, I hope. But I haven't yet. If a friend comes to me and seeks advice from me about how they're having trouble meeting women, and it becomes clear to me that he's engaged in the same kind of self-sabotage that many shy men, including myself, engage in, do I better serve my friend in this case by remaining silent simply because I haven't yet overcome that fault in myself? Or do I suggest to him that this might be his problem, acknowledge that it's mine too, and offer whatever little insight I might currently have on it? You're right, it would be better if I had overcome the flaw myself, though I would suggest that it would be worse in many ways if I never had it to start with. People who have never had problems with romantic shyness basically just say "man up and do it," which is all well and good, but doesn't really help as much as talking to someone who struggles with the same character flaw.

Your objection also seems to assume that personal experience is the only authoritative source. Psychologists can draw on a body of research. Ministers can draw on scripture, theology, and philosophy. Friends can draw on any personal knowledge they may have. Perhaps that authority isn't as good as my personal experience, but it's none the less valuable. Put in very simple terms, I can say to a child "you should brush your teeth twice a day," and if I look for it, I can find significant research showing that this habit is of benefit. I can do this, even though I often only find time to brush my teeth once a day. I am preaching beyond my practice: I am saying "we aught to do this," while (hopefully) acknowledging that I don't always succeed at doing it myself.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: pen on 19 Mar 2009, 12:07
Yeah, I don't think I'd tell him I'd been faking but the best way would be just to tell him what you do like. "It would be really hot if you...", "[blank] turns me on" which I think people should probably do from the very beginning anyway.

I agree with this.  Don't let them know "oh, btw, never... yeah, never."  And cut down on faking it.  Let him know you didn't orgasm and suggest different ways next time.  If he becomes curious that something he's done has always worked, well, bodies DO change.  That could be your reason/excuse.  I know that what I liked at 18 is not what I like now. 
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: KvP on 19 Mar 2009, 14:01
Dear relationship thread: I'm a teenager and my hormones are trying to eat my brains out with lust. What do I do?

8=m=D
Your advice is incomplete. Allow me.

8m==D
8=m=D
8==mD
8=m=D
8m==D
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Scandanavian War Machine on 19 Mar 2009, 14:11
that was fast
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: snalin on 19 Mar 2009, 14:34
Okay, sure.

8=========m========D
8==========m=======D
8===========m======D
8============m=====D
8=============m====D


Guys, this is taking too long!
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Inlander on 19 Mar 2009, 16:22
What a tiny hand you have.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: onewheelwizzard on 19 Mar 2009, 16:29
So even though this was a long time ago, it seems like a good question to ask this thread: When you have been dating someone for a long time (like, a year or so) and have been faking it the entire time, when you finally get fed up with how your sex life is going, how do you broach the subject? How do you tell them you've been faking for 13 months and that it isn't as good as you make it seem? Do you tell them at all, or slowly work things you like into it unobtrusively? I have wondered about this for years now.

That was a terrible idea.  Never do it again.  Whatever the outcome might be this time around, the lesson you should take away from it is that faking it is basically always a terrible idea.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: J-cob9000 on 19 Mar 2009, 19:50
What a tiny hand you have.
It's not that small. It's just that compared to the penis, it looks quite small.


Hey guys.
Random question that doesn't really pertain to me: What is the least awkward thing to say when asking someone out?
Other than like, "Are you lost? It's a long way from heaven."
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: negative creep on 19 Mar 2009, 19:54
"would you like to go out with me some time?"
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Dazed on 19 Mar 2009, 19:57
Anything but shitty pickup lines. I tend to be pretty straightforward and to the point, pretty much like what NC just posted above.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 19 Mar 2009, 20:03
Yeah, seriously. The best way  is to just ask them.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: tommydski on 19 Mar 2009, 20:06
I have wondered about this for years now.

I think the important thing you need to take from this is that faking is ultimately counter-productive. Be honest with your sexual partners from day one and this situation will never arise.

Sex is now not nearly as serious as it once was, especially considering the abundance of precautions we can now take to negate the potential negative consequences. Thus, if you're having sex for purely recreational reasons, it should be because it's fun. If it's fun, it's not serious. I have a lot of affection for girls who have laughed at my complete ineptitude in the bedroom because most of them inspired or taught me to set the bar a little higher next time. Smile, give them a hug and say "okay, that was pretty lame - let's try this". Don't mollycoddle men! You're their lover, not their mother. Make them work at it!
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Ozymandias on 19 Mar 2009, 20:12
I was hoping "this" was a link.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: onewheelwizzard on 19 Mar 2009, 20:16
When I'm asking someone out, I don't even use the words "go out" ... they carry an unnecessary connotation.  I tend to use a two-part format of expressing my attraction to the person in an abstract fashion (so that they don't think I'm specifically looking for sex or specifically trying to avoid it), and then asking if they want to share a specific activity with me that offers a context for partnership-style connection.

Examples:
(To someone I only recently met) "Hey, I really enjoyed talking to you.  Would you like to have dinner somewhere sometime next week?"
(To an established acquaintance) "You know, I think I'd really enjoy it if we hung out more often.  Want to check out [upcoming event] with me?  We can hang out and get some food beforehand."

You get the idea.  Make a statement of attraction without asking for it back, and make a request for further connection that isn't actually a request for a new definition of the relationship.  It offers them the choice to redefine the way they see you as a potential partner, without telling them that something will go wrong if they decide otherwise ... and then drops an opportunity into their lap that lets them have fun doing it if they choose to.  It's the perfect way to encourage someone to find out why you're actually a likable person (or, if they already know that, why you'd make a good partner).
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: negative creep on 19 Mar 2009, 21:46
Yeah, my use of the words "go out" was just because I wouldn't actually say something like that in english. I see how they can sound wrong in a situation like that, though.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: J-cob9000 on 20 Mar 2009, 15:56
Okay, so now it is pertaining to me. There's a rather nice girl that I would very much like to get to know better. I don't know her all that much but I am talking to her more and more and would very much like to be in some sort of relationship that is beyond friendship.
Being me and me being an epic loser, I'm not all that sure of how to ask someone out in a high school context.
Would it be more of a, "Hey, wanna be my girlfriend?"
Or a, "Hey, we should go to a movie on friday."
I know that once you're outside of high school, it's more the latter but in high school, you'd have to be kind of direct with it, right?
Excuse my ignorance.
Thanks.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: tania on 20 Mar 2009, 16:21
i'd say the latter. take her out to a movie or something and see how she feels about spending time with just you and her. if she's into it then maybe you ask her out again. then, i dunno, after you've spent some time together and you're pretty sure she likes you as much as you like her, i guess that would be the right time to ask if she's interested in a relationship. i know high school dating tends to be pretty superficial but still, i don't think most people would jump straight into a relationship with someone they didn't really know. it's probably better to ask them out on a date or something first.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lines on 20 Mar 2009, 19:08
Yeah, ask something more along the lines of "do you want to see a movie" and not "wanna be my gf." Then again, movies really aren't a good way to get to know someone, because you're sitting in a theater not talking for about 2 hours. Ask her if she wants to go get food sometime, go to an arcade, or hang out at the park, etc. I don't really know you or this girl, but ask her to do something you both enjoy so you can talk and get to know her.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: onewheelwizzard on 21 Mar 2009, 10:51
I agree with the people who have been saying that you should not lead off your proposition for getting to know her better by asking her if she wants to define you as her boyfriend.  However, you should probably make it clear by the end of the first date that heading in the direction of that definition is something you're interested in doing.

Basically you want to do two things: you want to give her the chance to take as much time as she needs to make up her mind, AND you want to continue to give her new and better reasons to go ahead and enter the relationship.  A relationship that begins because one person felt like they had to enter it when they did for some reason is unlikely to succeed.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Barmymoo on 21 Mar 2009, 14:55
I always have a bit of a problem with this kind of thing because as well as not knowing for sure if the other person is actually interested in me, I also don't usually know if they're interested in my gender in general. The Girl From Work who I have a bit of a thing for is definitely straight so that's both questions answered at once but even so I'm having difficulty engineering situations where we see each other outside the workplace. I guess this is a crossover between relationships and friendships: I only want to be friends with her, but I want to be friends with her because I'm a little bit in love with her and just having her around makes me incredibly happy. But I don't want to say that to her because I'm worried she would freak out and never speak to me again.

Also, is it fairly normal to go through a period of being quite indiscriminately interested in sex at about fifteen and then not be at all interested at all by 18? I haven't been sexually attracted to anyone in nearly two years now and I was wondering if this is maybe a hormone rebalance thing that I'm going through? I'd quite like to enjoy sex at some point in the future, I don't want to be asexual.



Wow. I feel like I just exposed my soul to a room full of strangers. Time to get off the Internet.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: KvP on 21 Mar 2009, 15:00
Could be any number of things. It seems like for most men sexual drive never drastically flags (outside of situations of high stress and the like) but there are tales abound of women who lose interest in sex at any age. You could have a testosterone imbalance, or you could just not really be into it right now. It's probably not anything to be seriously worried about.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: pwhodges on 21 Mar 2009, 15:10
Probably more men than you imply go through periods of greatly reduced sexual urges; but this is quite normal, and can be dramatically reversed under suitable circumstances - as I discovered in my mid-40s.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: onewheelwizzard on 21 Mar 2009, 15:40
There are any number of factors that could be involved ... one's diet and level of physical exercise, for instance, have an impact on one's sex drive that often is not considered.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jace on 22 Mar 2009, 00:44
All I think is how I wanna fuck fuck fuck all the time time time.

Dear Relationship Thread,
I have a thing for a girl that had a thing for me three years ago. I had a thing for her three years ago too, but then we drifted apart and now we are friends again and she has a crush on another dude that isn't really going anywhere. We kissed a bit on thursday night and she we were really comfortable and laughing the entire evening. But I don't know how to approach wanting to have a relationship with her. We will be hanging out wednesday, thursday and friday night next week though, because neither of us have much to do in the evenings.

What do I do, halp me internet!
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Gilead on 22 Mar 2009, 04:13
All I think is how I wanna fuck fuck fuck all the time time time.

Dear Relationship Thread,
I have a thing for a girl that had a thing for me three years ago. I had a thing for her three years ago too, but then we drifted apart and now we are friends again and she has a crush on another dude that isn't really going anywhere. We kissed a bit on thursday night and she we were really comfortable and laughing the entire evening. But I don't know how to approach wanting to have a relationship with her. We will be hanging out wednesday, thursday and friday night next week though, because neither of us have much to do in the evenings.

What do I do, halp me internet!
My approach is to keep making out with them, it usually leads to relationships.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: ViolentDove on 22 Mar 2009, 06:10
Man what is with girls.

Jeez. Way to be confusing.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Gilead on 22 Mar 2009, 06:25
Man what is with girls.

Jeez. Way to be confusing.
Bitches bro.

*slams a beer bong*
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jace on 22 Mar 2009, 06:41
Man what is with girls.

Jeez. Way to be confusing.
Bitches bro.

*slams a beer bong*

Goddamnit Stephanie!

*slams a beer bong*
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: MrBlu on 22 Mar 2009, 08:43
My approach is to keep making out with them, it usually leads to relationships.
Your avatar just screams "This is bad advice".
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Gilead on 22 Mar 2009, 08:56
My approach is to keep making out with them, it usually leads to relationships.
Your avatar just screams "This is bad advice".
My avatar says that every advice is the best advice.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 22 Mar 2009, 09:20
My approach is to keep making out with them, it usually leads to relationships.

See, when I was little my parents losely explained what a lease (on our car) was as kind of like 'renting-to-own', so my thought was 'why don't we just keep renting our favorite movies from the video store and then we will own them!' but that idea did not fly.
Hopefully it works better with girls? I guess it is like peeing on a sofa to mark it as yours until the owner just gives it to you?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: phooey on 22 Mar 2009, 10:53
A better analogy would be sitting on the sofa until the sofa itself decides that it wants you to sit on it exclusively.

Which is, of course, to say that any sofa analogy probably doesn't work in this case.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jace on 22 Mar 2009, 12:25
Jace's love life, now in sofa analogies!
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: phooey on 22 Mar 2009, 14:24
Well so, now that we've settled that, at what point is it okay to date someone that is twice your age?  Speak to me honestly, oh thread.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lines on 22 Mar 2009, 14:47
When you're mature enough to handle it and the older person isn't doing it just to get in your pants (unless that's a mutual reason).
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: MrBlu on 22 Mar 2009, 15:26
When x = 0.5y + 7, where x is your acceptable age and y is the person's age.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 22 Mar 2009, 15:38
So, twice your age minus fourteen.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: MrBlu on 22 Mar 2009, 15:46
wat
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Avec on 22 Mar 2009, 17:14
After a two year time period of not talking to an ex, is it ok to ask for a date, or even skipping the date altogether for something more intimate?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lunchbox on 22 Mar 2009, 22:34
The question you should first ask is "Why are they your ex after all?"
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: tania on 22 Mar 2009, 22:44
approach it very delicately. phoning up someone you haven't spoken to in two years because you want to get back together with her could easily be seen by her as really selfish and inconsiderate, in the sense that you're really only breaking the two year streak not to ask how she is doing or if she wants to hang out or anything but to see if she'll date you again - this doesn't say "i care about you" so much as it says "hey, i kind of want this, wanna give it to me". maybe find a way to make your intentions clear, so as not to mislead her about why you're calling her, while also letting her know that you're contacting her not just because you want her back but because you also genuinely care about her and want to hear how she is doing. and if you're just going to stop talking to her again if she says no, then reconsider it cos that is a pretty dang rude thing to do to someone.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: the_pied_piper on 23 Mar 2009, 05:00
When x = 0.5y + 7, where x is your acceptable age and y is your age.

The person's age doesn't come into it as that is what you compare to the acceptable age, i.e. let p be the person's age then
if p<x not fine
if p≥x fine

So, twice your age minus fourteen.

This is not the same thing.


Ok, nitpicking through boredom over.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: redglasscurls on 23 Mar 2009, 05:22
Yeah, twice your age minus 14 would give you the max age that YOU aren't the creepy young one to.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 23 Mar 2009, 09:31
No guys I was right you are all wrong.

x=1/2*y+7 = > y=2x-14

Original question was:
Well so, now that we've settled that, at what point is it okay to date someone that is twice your age?  Speak to me honestly, oh thread.

And the formula clearly shows it is never acceptable to date someone twice your age.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jace on 23 Mar 2009, 09:41
When you are 18 you can date someone twice your age. But why would you want to?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: KvP on 23 Mar 2009, 09:48
There are people out there who prefer older partners, like, old enough to be their parents. I know a few. They tend to be women. I'm not going to speculate on why that is.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: the_pied_piper on 23 Mar 2009, 09:58
No guys I was right you are all wrong.

x=1/2*y+7 = > y=2x-14


After some puzzling out i get what you are saying and i put forward that we are all in fact right as in this case you would be p (p being the extra parameter i added earlier), they would be y and their youngest acceptable age would be x. However the formula doesn't contain both your age and their age so there is no way to make a direct comparison.

From the original formula of x=0.5y+7 we can see it is unacceptable to date someone half your age (as you must always date 7 years above half) but acceptable to date older than you so it would be ok if you were the younger person but not if you were the older person.

Somewhat amazingly though, this formula doesn't actually count for anything and as Jace said when you turn 18 all bets are off anyway.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: allison on 23 Mar 2009, 10:29
I disregarded the creepiness factor (x=1/2y+7) by 2 years - he was 26, I was 18 - and it ended badly. There is a reason things like this exist. Also the girlfriend that he had not told me about proved to be a problem. So maybe you can ignore this altogether.

Protip: make sure the man you fall in love with does not have a girlfriend who he probably intends to marry at some point.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Yunior on 23 Mar 2009, 10:49
There are people out there who prefer older partners, like, old enough to be their parents. I know a few. They tend to be women. I'm not going to speculate on why that is.

Probably Daddy issues. And it usually accounts for women who prefer older partners just in general, albeit not twice their age.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 23 Mar 2009, 11:32
we are all in fact right

I maintain no. MrBlu had the right thing but I think it was phrased poorly so I re-arranged it. Then you said something that missed the original question and made a completely false statement concerning the equivalence of my statement. I think your p parameter is totally superfluous. Think about it, we have a function that defines a cutoff, and we have written that cutoff as x, then you defined their age as p and compared it to x. We can just compare x directly to p.

Why am I so bitchy of late? I don't know. Whatever.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: the_pied_piper on 23 Mar 2009, 12:50
The problem with rearranging the equation is that you wanted x in the first place not y so there is no need. Also, you know your age y and their age which i defined as p but not x. To make any comparisons using this equation you need x as without x how do you know the acceptable age? That is what x is and that is what you need to know to make any sense of the equation.

You know y is your age, p is their age
the formula produces x the youngest acceptable age in terms of y. there is nowhere within the formula to directly compare p and y using the function x and without the function x you don't know whether it is acceptable or not.

e.g. use 20
x=20/2+7 =>x=17

then if p<17 not ok
          p≥17 ok

for y=2x-14 we know y not x so we would have to rearrange it back to the original formula anyway.

If you directly compare p and y it is just 2 constants, i.e. p<y,p=y or p>y but that doesn't tell us anything other than what we already know.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 20 jazz funk greats on 23 Mar 2009, 13:00
man, i love how this forum figures out acceptable age differences using algebra. you are all geeks in the best way possible. people i know in meat life (myself excluded) just tend to follow the silly 5 year rule.

so, relationship/math thread:

when i was younger i was pretty into the idea of meeting a "sophisticated older guy" who also has the exact same taste in music as i do for deep, meaningful conversations and possible makeouts.  now i realize that it wasn't really about age, but more of a certain personality type that i thought would be more common among older guys. it's actually not a common thing at all though, and i've given up on looking for it.  i did meet this guy on the internet (accidentally, not through a dating site or anything) who seemed like that type of person. he was twice my age and ended up falling in love with me and writing some songs about me, which was cute even though the songs weren't that good (but i still liked them), and at first when he told me that he was going to write me a song i didn't believe him cause it seemed pretty unrealistic, and i kept making fun of him and telling him to write/record faster, and then he did and i felt like a jerkface for doubting him, and for making him stay up late finishing the damn song.  well okay i didn't force him to do the latter, but he did, and it was because of me, so i felt responsible for that and for nearly destroying his vocal cords.

then he turned a bit creepy and kept on insisting that we should meet even though i politely refused cause i was engaged at the time (and i told him that from the start...) and wasn't looking to cheat on my fiancee with a stranger from the internets. at first he was all nice about it and was like oh we can be friends and watch old movies and eat popcorn and i will respect your boundaries and not touch you except maybe in a platonic way, because i am a perfect gentleman. i had a hard time believing it since he was obviously attracted to me.  also i am kind of suspicious of any dude who claims to be old-fashioned and chivalrous. so i was like ehhh that's probably not a good idea. then he got more pushy about it and was all like oh i am going to drive down to your campus even though it will take me 7 hours (!!) because i just love you that much, and we are going to have such a wonderful time together. weird, but again, i had a hard time believing that he would. and...i don't think he did. (of course, it's hard to say, since i was in tronno at the time)  but he insisted that he did come and he
looked for me everywhere and he put up posters advertising his "band" in our concourse area and i was like riiiiight, because when i returned and went to the concourse i didn't see any posters.  i told him that i am not a fan of surprise visits and to not do things like that in the future and he apologized i think but eventually he started bothering me again when he saw that i was no longer engaged and started asking me if i was okay, and that just came off as creepy as fuck.  um, eventually we just stopped talking entirely.

that experience ruined the mystique of the older man forever.  :|
or maybe i was being overly paranoid and missed out on a real good thing? hahahah. doubt it.

tl;dr, sorry everyone.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: bbq on 23 Mar 2009, 13:48
Hey guys. So, what's the best way to break it to a girl that you are in love/obsessed with her?


A bit of background; I've liked her for about 5 months, we met at one of my bands gigs, she has a boyfriend, she goes to a different school and lives about 12 miles away so I only see her whenever we arrange to meet up together, she's the kind of girl who doesn't really find awkward conversations awkward..
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: snalin on 23 Mar 2009, 14:11
she has a boyfriend

Bad idea.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: redglasscurls on 23 Mar 2009, 14:28
Yeah, that would be pretty much horribly selfish no matter how you did it, because you will inevitably put her in a very awkward and uncomfortable situation for no real reason than for your own hopes that she might suddenly decide to run away with you. That is a shitty thing to do to a girl.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: pwhodges on 23 Mar 2009, 14:33
I only see her whenever we arrange to meet up together,

So you get to hang out with her sometimes.  It's up to her if she wants to change her allegiance - all you can do is simply make the times you happen to meet up awesome.

What's bad from your point of view is focussing on trying to get her; that's probably self-defeating, and also takes your mind away from the rest of the world that's still there to be enjoyed.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Dazed on 23 Mar 2009, 14:39
The above is very true. Also,

Quote
she's the kind of girl who doesn't really find awkward conversations awkward..

This is probably not actually the case. In my experience, most people who seem that way are really just trying to maintain a calm appearance, they find them every bit as awkward as everyone else; and they don't react any better to awkward situations either!

Overall, very bad idea. Do not. Try to find somebody else before you blow up your friendship.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 23 Mar 2009, 22:00
The problem
Look, check your PMs.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Inlander on 23 Mar 2009, 22:02
obsessed with her

NO. Seriously. This is a thing within yourself that you have to fight.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: MrBlu on 23 Mar 2009, 22:14
The problem with rearranging the equation is that you wanted x in the first place not y so there is no need. Also, you know your age y and their age which i defined as p but not x. To make any comparisons using this equation you need x as without x how do you know the acceptable age? That is what x is and that is what you need to know to make any sense of the equation.

You know y is your age, p is their age
the formula produces x the youngest acceptable age in terms of y. there is nowhere within the formula to directly compare p and y using the function x and without the function x you don't know whether it is acceptable or not.

e.g. use 20
x=20/2+7 =>x=17

then if p<17 not ok
          p≥17 ok

for y=2x-7 we know y not x so we would have to rearrange it back to the original formula anyway.

If you directly compare p and y it is just 2 constants, i.e. p<y,p=y or p>y but that doesn't tell us anything other than what we already know.
Did we just write a program?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 23 Mar 2009, 22:23
Well, it is a description of an algorithm but not really a written program.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: snalin on 24 Mar 2009, 12:23
God damn people are jerks! :x

There's this girl. And she's cute. And smart. And I will probably be doing a lot of school stuff with her soon, so that will be fun. I'll try to do my best at flirting. But; this girl is not exactly liked among my group. They don't say anything directly to her face, and tolerate her, but when she's not around, they bitch terribly about how she a) is a hipster, b) is full of herself. This is incredibly frustrating, since I have to sit around listening to people bitching about a girl I like. I try to make hints, like "you know, talking behind someone's back isn't exactly nice", but to no avail. Sometimes I just want to go "shut up, you fuckers. She's got more style than anyone of you, she has better taste in music and clothes, she is funnier and smarter, she knows stuff about popular culture, and she should be full of herself around you, because you are stupid assholes". But I'm going to be in class with these people for almost one and a half year more. I can't do any angry speaks like that, it'd basically kill half of my social life. If I get together with this girl or if it becomes really evident that we are good friends, they will hopefully shut up about it around me. But I will still know that they dislike the girl I like. This sucks badly.

Thanks for the vent space. Any tips?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: bbq on 24 Mar 2009, 12:29
Thanks for the responses guys, didn't actually expect anything.  :-P

Well obviously I'm not planning on trying to steal her away from her boyfriend - that's a pretty shitty thing to do, and it does go against everything I stand for. Also I'm not gonna go putting her in an awkward situation now, that'd totally defeat the point of the last few months.

It's not that she remains calm during awkward conversations, it just doesn't really faze her at all. Ok, the advice about making sure the time is awesome would be helpful, but I don't know how. I'm not the greatest conversationist..  :-P I'm not shy, I just don't really like talking that much. Also I have a really deep voice, and as a friend of mine recently said, she's sure everything I say is absolutely hilarious but she can't understand a damn thing I say. Are deep voices a good thing or not?  :?

Oh yeah, I know I shouldn't say 'oh I'm totally obsessed with her' but there's no point in calling an orange an apple. I was gonna say more stuff, but I don't know what. Thanks for the responses again!
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: pwhodges on 24 Mar 2009, 12:57
making sure the time is awesome would be helpful, but I don't know how. I'm not the greatest conversationist..

It's not a matter of doing anything dramatic, or even out of the ordinary.  Much more important is to get to know just what stuff she likes - places, activities, food, talk, music, whatever - and unobtrusively make it likely to happen, and maybe extrapolate it a bit as well.  Of course the best way to get to know that is to be around her enough to pick up the clues, but in the position you describe you may have to rely on memory and talking to others; but sometimes simply asking and being prepared to listen to the answer is pretty awesome.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: bbq on 24 Mar 2009, 13:09
Quote
places, activities, food, talk, music, whatever

the beach and cinemas, surfing/sleeping/parties, chocolate cake, hawthorne heights and dashboard confessional..

 :-)

I haven't only just met her, so we do know quite a bit about each other. Oh and I know her taste in music is.. Questionable. she's not just a emo teenager.  :-P

It's not finding the common ground that is the problem, it's actually starting the conversation. But I'm surely I'll manage. Thanks for the advice though! It will all come in useful. At the moment however I'm willing to just be patient and be a good friend - I'm fairly competent at that.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: MrBlu on 24 Mar 2009, 13:35
Well get to it.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: J-cob9000 on 24 Mar 2009, 19:24
Bluh.
Damn my awkwardness and shyness.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: phooey on 24 Mar 2009, 19:42
Any tips?

Just that if I were to find out that someone who was pursuing me didn't bother to decide between backstabbing friends and myself, then I obviously wouldn't mean as much to that person as they thought I did.  You should stand up for what you believe in.

Also, why are you hanging out with "stupid assholes?"  There are more important things than having a social life, and I think it would be more emotionally healthy to spend time with people you find worthwhile rather than necessary for some reason.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lines on 25 Mar 2009, 20:55
So, the guy who I posted about in the blog thread that plays drum and bass on a gameboy had his show tonight. We got to hang out before the show started and we hit it off rather well. I went with a friend and during the downtime, we made origami because I had paper in my purse and I made the guy a turtle and a helmet. (It's a turtle with a Napoleon complex that says "Vive la France.")

I hope I see him again because dude is totally cute.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Alex C on 25 Mar 2009, 23:51
Any tips?

Do any of these people know her that you're aware of or are they just really that insecure/silly? I only ask this because when in college one of the ladies I was mildly interested in basically turned out to be ridiculously conceited gossip who luckily lost a bunch of credibility as more people got to know her.


Well, that and the time she threw her shoes at that janitor.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: NeverQuiteGoth on 26 Mar 2009, 15:37
I don't like alcohol or caffeine, and eating food makes my face puff up and my acne stand out,
so,
what does that leave? Where the hell can I take a girl on a date? Especially a first date?

Second question. Why might I have a consistent track record of girls I know over the internet falling for me, but nearly every girl I meet in-person looks at me like I'm a piece of furniture? (Except for the one that I knew online FIRST, when I met her in person, she took my virginity and then some)
That "there are no girls on the internet" meme should read "there are no girls from California on the internet" lmao

Lastly, why, when I do meet a girl who doesn't look at me like I'm furniture, do I always seem to end up feeling such contempt for her that by the time she's willing to sleep with me I want nothing to do with her?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 0bsessions on 26 Mar 2009, 15:58
There's always the tried and true movie or just going out and doing something outside, like walking in a park. Living in California, the latter is something I'd recommend as weather will generally be favorable unless you're way north.

I didn't drink, smoke until I was about twenty-two and I swore off caffeine from eighteen to twenty-one, so I know how you feel. The problem is that you're looking at it with too much of a traditionalist mindset. A date is not just dinner and a movie by definition, a date is just going out and trying to have fun with someone you're interested in romantically.

Can you handle rollercoasters? If so, amusement parks are a BIG recommendation. That was one of my top date destinations when I was in your position. You're getting out there, getting some sun and proving to your date that you're not some boring schlub who sits around all day. It's also a long activity that gives you plenty of downtime for getting to know each other while waiting in line for rides, without the pressure of a short dinner date where you pretty much have to make your impression right quick. Not to mention, the adrenaline rush from the rides will get both of you in a mindset that is favorable towards attraction. It's also not something you've got to dress up for and I cannot stress enough how beneficial a casual setting is to a date. It turns down expectations in a big way and basically puts you both on even footing while dropping a lot of pretense.

If not that, try an outdoor activity you're into. Go to the park and people watch or play frisbee or something.

The biggest thing, though, is to let your date know the plan in advance. Surprising people can be fun sometimes, but having your date show up in heels and a skirt is going to put a damper on pretty much anything that involves walking around for more than fifteen minutes at a time.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: NeverQuiteGoth on 26 Mar 2009, 16:41
There's always the tried and true movie or just going out and doing something outside, like walking in a park. Living in California, the latter is something I'd recommend as weather will generally be favorable unless you're way north.
I don't consider California weather favorable. Ugh.
I've tried the movie before with mixed results, but a movie is just so obvious and unoriginal and rife with potential problems.

Quote
Can you handle rollercoasters? If so, amusement parks are a BIG recommendation. That was one of my top date destinations when I was in your position. You're getting out there, getting some sun and proving to your date that you're not some boring schlub who sits around all day.
Love rollercoasters. Hate the sun. I am a schlub who sits around all day. I make machinima for a living for crying out loud. My only good friends are online and in different time zones.
Good suggestion though... to bad the only amusement park within a day's round trip closes at dark.


So what about my other two questions?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Inlander on 26 Mar 2009, 17:07
Surely you must drink something, though! I can see how not drinking alcohol might be a problem, because a girl might get suspicious if you both go to a bar and she's the only one getting drunk; but there are lots of drinks without caffeine. Just because you ask a girl out for coffee doesn't mean she's going to suddenly sue you for misrepresentation when you get to the cafe and order a herbal tea.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: onewheelwizzard on 26 Mar 2009, 18:21
Find some outdoor festival or flea market or some other form of large gathering outside during the day.  That way you can figure out whatever you want to do that evening while you're hanging out with her (especially if she's got an idea of her own that appeals to you) and even if you don't come up with anything, there's still stuff to do because you're out somewhere where things are happening.  Depending on issues like transportation, doing something like this basically allows you to transition into whatever would actually turn out to be a great first date, because you're learning about what she likes all day.  It's kind of like a cheat code in that respect.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Reed on 26 Mar 2009, 18:27
What part of California do you live in?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: NeverQuiteGoth on 26 Mar 2009, 18:52
outside during the day.
No.

What part of California do you live in?
(http://home.comcast.net/~Lawrence515/SSC/HeIsHere.jpg)

Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: squawk on 26 Mar 2009, 18:54
hey man at least it ain't bakersfield

go outside
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Reed on 26 Mar 2009, 19:00
What happened to marine world/six flags/whoever the fuck bought that place? Could you not bring a sexy someone there? I'm assuming Great America is a little too far for you. I'm trying to think of what to do around there, I lived in marin until I was 18. You probably don't want to head to Marin, but there are some really awesome things to do there (as much as I thought it was boring growing up there). There are a whole fuck ton of festivals during the summer and they're all really nice. You could always go up to the wine country. I know you don't like to drink, but it's a really beautiful area and it doesn't look like you're too far from there.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 0bsessions on 26 Mar 2009, 19:10
Yeah, you're basically unhelpable. Sorry.

People who hate the sunlight get drunk on dates, people who don't like to drink go to parks and shit on dates. People who drink AND like daylight get drunk and go outside on dates, they win the dating pool.

You, unfortunately, fall in the middle ground that results in you probably not being all that fun of a person to hang out with.

Maybe try a concert or something?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Reed on 26 Mar 2009, 19:15
people who don't like to drink go to parks and shit on dates.

I'm sorry, I had to.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: onewheelwizzard on 26 Mar 2009, 19:36
outside during the day.
No.

Do you just not like fun or something?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: ViolentDove on 26 Mar 2009, 19:39
I kinda agree with Obessssions here. Maybe you should work on things like eating, drinking and going outside before getting involved with the opposite sex.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: nobo on 26 Mar 2009, 19:53
so... you're close to san francisco, close to the redwoods, close to a national seashore and you can't find a place to take dates?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: NeverQuiteGoth on 26 Mar 2009, 20:38
Do you just not like fun or something?
how do "outside during the day" and "fun" have ANYTHING to do with each other?

What happened to marine world/six flags/whoever the fuck bought that place?
They aren't open after dark usually. Plus admission is pricey.

Yeah, you're basically unhelpable. Sorry.
People who hate the sunlight get drunk on dates, people who don't like to drink go to parks and shit on dates. People who drink AND like daylight get drunk and go outside on dates, they win the dating pool.
A generalization, but yeah, I figured as much. :-(

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You, unfortunately, fall in the middle ground that results in you probably not being all that fun of a person to hang out with.
I take offense at the notion that being sober and nocturnal makes me unpleasant to be around. Also, "parks and shit" are still there after dark, aren't they? :-P

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Maybe try a concert or something?
Same problems as a movie, plus the fact that they're rarer, more expensive, and further away. And I'm not into music like I'm into movies.

I kinda agree with Obessssions here. Maybe you should work on things like eating, drinking and going outside before getting involved with the opposite sex.
Those aspects of my being will never change. They are fundamental and permanent facets of my nature. I don't need to "work on" eating, whatever that means. I will never drink. Ever. However, I do not have a problem with going outside. It is merely my distaste for sunlight that has grown steadily for the passed decade of my life, and that's never going to change either.

so... you're close to san francisco, close to the redwoods, close to a national seashore and you can't find a place to take dates?
Yes. Except I'm not close to any of those things. San Francisco, which is closest, is nearly an hour's drive away. :roll:



(I love how I asked three questions, ordered from least important to most important, and there has been nearly a page of discourse on the first question while the others were completely ignored. :-D)
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: squawk on 26 Mar 2009, 20:42
You live near Vallejo, go to Seafood City and have fun looking at all the Asian products! And enjoy the good restaurants!

Except that probably isn't very fun to normal people
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: KvP on 26 Mar 2009, 20:45
Yeah you're pretty weird
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: ViolentDove on 26 Mar 2009, 21:08
Those aspects of my being will never change. They are fundamental and permanent facets of my nature. I don't need to "work on" eating, whatever that means. I will never drink. Ever. However, I do not have a problem with going outside. It is merely my distaste for sunlight that has grown steadily for the passed decade of my life, and that's never going to change either.

You said you don't like going out to eat because it makes your "face puff up" which sounds like an allergic reaction. I don't know if that's the case, 'cause you didn't go into more detail. if it is the case, there're things you can do to stop this happening like taking small doses of antihistamines, or getting an allergen test to determine what you should avoid. Acne can be treated in many cases as well. As for drinking, you didn't say why you didn't like drinking, so I can't really offer any advice on that, save that I have plenty of friends who don't enjoy getting drunk, but quite enjoy a social beer/wine or two. There is a great difference between getting drunk and going out for a drink! If it's the taste of alcoholic drinks you don't like, well taste can be aquired and new drinks discovered. As for sunlight, you can wear sunglasses. Or a hat. Or a parasol. Or all of the above.

I guess I can't really understand why you'd think these things would be permanent facets of your nature, because they all seem quite mutable to me if you were so inclined. Unless there's more to it.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: McTaggart on 26 Mar 2009, 21:09
NQG you can be like that all you want and I guess that is ok but you're going to have a bunch of trouble meeting people.

Also, even I know of restaurants in San Fransisco that I would drive an hour to go to. Hell, I spend an hour getting to uni and another one getting back every day; I wouldn't even think twice about it.

Get over your sunlight issue and find a favourite spot on that river at least.

Oh, also that place called Napa means you're right near a wine region right? Sometimes wineries have excellent restaurants right there.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Reed on 26 Mar 2009, 21:14
I think you'll need to give in on some of your requirements. There are a lot of great places to take a date in the Bay Area, but most of them involve eating, drinking or daylight. You don't even need to go all the way to SF for a great restaurant, Berkeley has plenty. Napa and the rest of the wine country also have some really great places to eat.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Inlander on 26 Mar 2009, 21:28
It's not even about the area you live in. The fact is that if you want to meet people you have to go and do things in the places where other people are. It's a purely percentages game: if you think about it, the percentage of people you meet who (A) are single, (B) match your sexual orientation, (C) don't have their eye on someone other than you, and (D) are willing to consider you as a romantic or sexual partner, must be pretty damn small. If you only meet a few people a year, there's a good chance it's going to take you decades to find someone who'll be interested in you. And in our society if you don't go out in daylight, or go to places where people are drinking, or go to places where people are eating, you're probably only going to meet a few people a year. So holding onto your principals is fine and all (if that's all it is), but strap yourself in for the long haul.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: onewheelwizzard on 26 Mar 2009, 23:05
I take offense at the notion that being sober and nocturnal makes me unpleasant to be around.

Well I think might be your problem then.  A lot of people are going to think this.  Getting offended by it is probably where the contempt you were talking about comes from.  If you feel offended when people fail to enjoy themselves around you, because of differences between your personal preferences as to how to have a good time, you're going to end up offended by most people you know.  I mean, I think your aversion to sunlight means you're missing out on a lot of awesome stuff you could otherwise be doing.  Are you offended by that?  Or do I have to cross the line into explicitly saying you're actually a full-on wet blanket because of this (I don't believe that that's true but for all I know it might be), before you start getting upset?  How OK are you with people who disagree with you, basically?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: NeverQuiteGoth on 27 Mar 2009, 00:23
Well I think might be your problem then.  A lot of people are going to think this.  Getting offended by it is probably where the contempt you were talking about comes from.  If you feel offended when people fail to enjoy themselves around you, because of differences between your personal preferences as to how to have a good time, you're going to end up offended by most people you know.
This isn't true at all. That is not why I feel contempt for some people, and if a person finds me unpleasant to be around, that doesn't offend me at all.

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I mean, I think your aversion to sunlight means you're missing out on a lot of awesome stuff you could otherwise be doing.
No question there. I agree completely. :-(

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Or do I have to cross the line into explicitly saying you're actually a full-on wet blanket because of this (I don't believe that that's true but for all I know it might be), before you start getting upset?
Even that would not offend me, because "wet blanket" is a subjective term so I have no ground from which to refute its truth from your perspective.
I do my best not to be a wet blanket and if I fail in some peoples eyes there is nothing I can do about it.

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How OK are you with people who disagree with you, basically?
Most people tend to disagree with me about most things, so it doesn't bother me in the slightest.
Not understanding me ticks me off more than disagreeing with me, which still isn't much.

Having major components of my person belittled as curable defects, pisses me off almost as much as being told shit I already know, though.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: pwhodges on 27 Mar 2009, 00:55
Having major components of my person belittled as curable defects, pisses me off almost as much as being told shit I already know, though.

You asked; people answered.  This is not belittling. 

You are over-reacting to comments; for instance, not being fun to be with is not the same as being unpleasant to be around.

And to be talking about not changing, at your age, is silly - one day you will look back and see this was so.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Nodaisho on 27 Mar 2009, 01:36
NQG, have you tried sunglasses and sunscreen for when you have to be out in daylight? I don't like it either, but I deal with it. I tend to forget the sunscreen part, though. Are there any really thick forests around where you are? That could at least keep you in shadows rather than direct sunlight.

Other than that, moving away somewhere to your north when you can would be the only way I can think of to minimize the need to be out in the sun.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jimmy the Squid on 27 Mar 2009, 01:41
I don't like alcohol or caffeine, and eating food makes my face puff up and my acne stand out,
so,
what does that leave? Where the hell can I take a girl on a date? Especially a first date?

Second question. Why might I have a consistent track record of girls I know over the internet falling for me, but nearly every girl I meet in-person looks at me like I'm a piece of furniture? (Except for the one that I knew online FIRST, when I met her in person, she took my virginity and then some)
That "there are no girls on the internet" meme should read "there are no girls from California on the internet" lmao

Lastly, why, when I do meet a girl who doesn't look at me like I'm furniture, do I always seem to end up feeling such contempt for her that by the time she's willing to sleep with me I want nothing to do with her?

Ok, first question.
Move on from your problem with going to the movies. It is something you can do at night and sure there may not be talking while at the actual cinema but you then get a whole lot to talk about right after. You don't need to eat or drink to do that.
Another option is a museum or art gallery. Interesting stuff to talk about, little sunlight, no need to drink or eat unless you are hungry.
Also take Violentdove's advice on finding out what you're allergic to. You can probably take care of it pretty easily by keeping an eye on what you put in your mouth. Seriously, it's not even a thing.
I do not drink alcohol or caffeine. I am reliably informed I am still ok to be with. If someone wants to go get coffee, you can get a milkshake or an iced/hot chocolate or something. Coffee shops have other drinks. If you don't drink just say so. If someone will only hang out with you if you're going to get drunk with them then they are probably not that fun to be around anyway.

Second question:
You're probably a nice person and if you're anything like me (which I kind of feel like you are) you are probably reasonably charming/witty/interesting via a text based medium as you can monitor your responses and you have time to order your thoughts. You don't have to worry about embarrassing yourself because, hey, you can always stop talking to the person. In meatlife you're probably more shy, more reserved, maybe even a little aloof and people will probably read that as standoffish and it turns out girls don't like guys who are standoffish and boring to talk to.

Last question:
See the response above? A girl who is into a guy who is standoffish and appears to be unfriendly probably has hell of issues. You may or may not be able to tell what those issues are but either way you are probably aware that this is not really the kind of girl you want to be with. Along with your aloofness is a slight arrogance that turns a general dislike into actual contempt, as you put it. I know, I do the same thing.

Now, tell me how right I was.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: NeverQuiteGoth on 27 Mar 2009, 02:58
You asked; people answered.  This is not belittling. 

"You just need to get over it" is belittling. But I'm not overreacting, I'm just trying to be clear is all.

NQG, have you tried sunglasses and sunscreen for when you have to be out in daylight? I don't like it either, but I deal with it.
I have a pair of (very expensive) sunglasses that I've had for five years now, that I had get a note to wear to school ever day for my junior and senior years, and am still basically chained to them if I want to leave the house during the day.
As for sunscreen, I've never had a problem with skinburns. Usually I've gotten pseudo-feverish(all the physical signs of a fever, except the actual raised temperature) and started losing motor control long before I would have to start worrying about skin burns. (but I don't want to get into that, and you don't need to know any more than that, about that. Move on.)

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Other than that, moving away somewhere to your north when you can would be the only way I can think of to minimize the need to be out in the sun.
Already in the works, but another several years away at least.

Also take Violentdove's advice on finding out what you're allergic to. You can probably take care of it pretty easily by keeping an eye on what you put in your mouth. Seriously, it's not even a thing.
I'm not allergic to anything in the realm of food. I never said anything about any allergies. I have no idea how people are getting that from my mention of the normal over-hydration and increased blood flow in the soft tissues after food ingestion.

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If you don't drink just say so. If someone will only hang out with you if you're going to get drunk with them then they are probably not that fun to be around anyway.
Thank you. That's what I've been saying.

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Second question:
You're probably a nice person and if you're anything like me (which I kind of feel like you are) you are probably reasonably charming/witty/interesting via a text based medium as you can monitor your responses and you have time to order your thoughts. You don't have to worry about embarrassing yourself because, hey, you can always stop talking to the person. In meatlife you're probably more shy, more reserved, maybe even a little aloof and people will probably read that as standoffish and it turns out girls don't like guys who are standoffish and boring to talk to.
Okay, you're probably pretty right about most of that. But I have been getting better in that area. I'm really haven't been "standoffish" since high school. It's still beyond me to start a conversation in most circumstances, but engaging in one not so much anymore. So I think you're half-right. Three years ago you would have been 100% right, though.

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Last question:
See the response above? A girl who is into a guy who is standoffish and appears to be unfriendly probably has hell of issues. You may or may not be able to tell what those issues are but either way you are probably aware that this is not really the kind of girl you want to be with. Along with your aloofness is a slight arrogance that turns a general dislike into actual contempt, as you put it. I know, I do the same thing.
Now, tell me how right I was.
Yes and no.
Yes, I may simply not be initially attractive to the right kind of girls. I went out with one girl who was a Twilight freak and who thought I was Edward-esqe (*retch*), who I dumped after five dates, even though she was basically ready to jump my bones.
No, that wouldn't be the whole problem, because that shyness->standoffishness evaporates quite quickly once I know the girl is genuinely interested in me, and my true personality does surface.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Gilead on 27 Mar 2009, 03:09

I'm not allergic to anything in the realm of food. I never said anything about any allergies. I have no idea how people are getting that from my mention of the normal over-hydration and increased blood flow in the soft tissues after food ingestion.
What? Are you a fucking space lizard masquerading as a human?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jace on 27 Mar 2009, 03:15
Learn to live a life of solitude. Maybe you'd like to become a monk. It might suit you better.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: McTaggart on 27 Mar 2009, 03:21
Oh shit I've seen that miniseries. NQG, try eating live rats and, I dunno, marry a snake or something.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: pwhodges on 27 Mar 2009, 05:57
"You just need to get over it" is belittling.

That is, sure.  But realising that things can be improved or got over, with help, rather than denying that change is possible*, is a first step that other people can't make for you.


* I'm referring to:
Those aspects of my being will never change.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: NeverQuiteGoth on 27 Mar 2009, 06:28
The things that can change, I change. The things I can't change, I must accept. And I've learned to know the difference.

Learn to live a life of solitude. Maybe you'd like to become a monk. It might suit you better.
I'm already living a life of solitude. It so doesn't suit me.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Inlander on 27 Mar 2009, 06:36
The big question that so far doesn't seem to have been asked or answered is: are any of your expressed habits the result of illness (for example, skin reacting badly to sunlight, an allergy to alcohol), or are they just personal preferences? Because if it's the latter and if you're only nineteen like it says you are in your profile then you're being hopelessly naive at best and dangerously fatalist at worst if you seriously think that you can't change any of these aspect of your personality. Assuming you might want to.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: axerton on 27 Mar 2009, 06:53
At first I was going to post something very harsh in response to your question, but having had a bit of time to think about it I shall instead say:

I think you're asking the wrong question. You seem to be trying to find places to take 'normal' girls on a date. you are however clearly not a 'normal' guy - not drinking alchol or coffee is acceptable, I don't drink either of these as well, but your aversion to sunlight definatly shunts you out of 'normal' and into, for want of a better term, 'batcave dweller' territory. I think the question you should be asking is "Where can I find a 'batcave dweller' girl?" because then dates will be easy, you simply do the things that you already like to do - assuming you like to do stuff apart from stay indoors all day and make machinima - only this time you have someone with you.

my answer to the qestion I suggest you ask is -  I'm not sure, but I'll have a stab in the dark at the internet. go forth, swollow your pride and join a dating site. The demographic of girls your looking for is pretty small so you need as much help as you can get.

Speaking of swallowing your pride, you're not leaving yourself many options, so just go to the damn movies - so what if it's cleche, when it gets rigth down to it, pretty much everything you could do for a first date is cleche, dating is cleche.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: valley_parade on 27 Mar 2009, 07:52
As I've learned from my past three girlfriends, apparently I have this knack of attracting girls that fall for me REALLY hard and then get all crazy.

What's that all about?

(see also: I thought I liked girls with brown eyes, but always end up with blue-eyed girls)
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 0bsessions on 27 Mar 2009, 11:03
Disclaimer: I am going to be relatively harsh here. This is not out of hostility, per se, so much as out of how much NQG reminds me of myself as a teenager and we all know how being reminded of oneself at a point in our life we're not fond of can illicit this, so here goes.

NQG, I don't think anyone's really judging you on the not drinking, that's pretty normal. As I mentioned, I didn't drink when I was your age and I was convinced I never would.

It's the daylight thing. Not what I'd call a defect, but it is a clear and present abnormality that you will have to get over if you ever want anything even remotely resembling a normal social life. Humans are naturally diurnal and that means you are acting in an unnatural manner, and I'm not talking the idiot type of unnatural where one claims something's odd just because they don't do it, I'm saying it's unnatural because it goes against our basic biology. I've been a night person before, hated sunlight when I was around seventeen to twenty. Didn't like to go outside if I could help it (Though I at least had major allergies to trees, grass and pollen which contributed to that). Eventually I grew the fuck out of it (And got allergy shots to eliminate the other setback) and since then I've been healthier both physically and emotionally, because that is how our bodies work. Your body is supposed to be getting routine sunlight and your mental health in particular will eventually react adversely to this.

Saying you'll never change is naive at best and full on denial at worst. You are nineteen years old, man. People change and often at that. You're at an age where people change rapidly without even noticing it. The sooner you realize that you are not the same man you will be in ten years, the better off you will be. I don't know a single person my age who fits the description you've given to me because typically when you get to be 25 with a lifestyle like that, nobody will really want to hang out with you due to the severe limitations you are placing on what you are willing to do. If you want to have a social life, you need to sack the fuck up and try to learn to enjoy a few things other people like. If you are unwilling to adapt, be prepared for a lifetime of loneliness and shitty poetry, because that is what you are in for. Yeah, it's great to be a special little snowflake and all that bullshit, but you can only coast so far on that before you get to the point of alienating people as a result of being unwilling to adjust.

What you see as condescending and insulting, I see as people trying to get through your stubborn demeanor to tell you what are essentially facts of life.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: BrittanyMarie on 27 Mar 2009, 11:11
Jon, he won't change. It sounds like a legitimate medical issue he has with sunlight. I'm guessing that based on the fact that he says he loses motor control and he had to have a note to be able to have sunglasses to school. You're acting like he just chooses or just dislikes the sun, which doesn't sound like the truth at all.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Darkbluerabbit on 27 Mar 2009, 11:26
NQG:  Others have made similar points, but I'd like to add my two cents.  If your face becomes noticeably puffy after eating, you may legitimately have a medical issue.  If you have been checked and have no allergies, then perhaps you are overestimating how obvious the change is to others.  I've never noticed anyone get puffy after eating a reasonable amount of food.  Maybe try avoiding high-sodium foods.  They can actually make you bloat a little.  Dairy and wheat can cause some bloating if you are allergic or averse.

I'd say that if you had luck finding a girl on the internet who was eager to deflower you, your best bet might be to try the internet again.  Forums for things you are interested in would be a place, or heck, even a dating site.  Some are better than others, many people join several just to increase their odds.  OKCupid is pretty fun.  I joined that just to take silly tests.

There's no need to try being something you're not, but it can be helpful in the long run to step outside your comfort zone once in a while.  I used to think I hated clubs.  I thought the music was awful and the strobe lights were annoying.  Some friends dragged me out, and I actually had a pretty good time just dancing away.  If I'd been unwilling to go, I'd have missed out on some fun.  Keep your options open, and don't be afraid to try something even if you think you might not enjoy it.  Don't head to the beach and risk your health, of course.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Yunior on 27 Mar 2009, 16:24
On my last date, I had dinner at a restaurant, played tennis at a nearby park around 9:00ish (this is a lot of fun when neither of you are no good at sports, don't do this if one of you is good or not willing to pretend they are bad, that is probably no fun) because dude had tennis rackets in his trunk, and then went home and played Wii at his place for a few hours (because the tennis courts closed at 10:00). I had a bunch of fun, and we didn't do anything particularly extravagant or anything. Dates are pretty formulaic, they should entail fun + getting to know you (maybe = kisses?).

I know movies are, like, so totally unoriginal or whatever, but I mean, come on, get over yourself. (Not you in particular, everyone in general. Everybody, get over yourselves.) I will admit, I am not particularly IMPRESSED by a movie date, but I am impressed by by someone who comes out of a theater with something to say. (I am not impressed with someone who has everything to say after a movie, nobody likes a culture snob. (Actually, some people like cultural snobs, usually other culture snobs.)) I'm hard-pressed to ENCOURAGE a movie date, but you just said that you really dig movies, so why don't you just see a movie or rent a movie or talk about movies? These things are not all that difficult, dude.

Good luck with sunlight!
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: NeverQuiteGoth on 27 Mar 2009, 17:10
you are however clearly not a 'normal' guy - not drinking alchol or coffee is acceptable, I don't drink either of these as well, but your aversion to sunlight definatly shunts you out of 'normal' and into, for want of a better term, 'batcave dweller' territory. I think the question you should be asking is "Where can I find a 'batcave dweller' girl?" because then dates will be easy, you simply do the things that you already like to do - assuming you like to do stuff apart from stay indoors all day and make machinima - only this time you have someone with you.
That would fall under shit stuff I already know.

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my answer to the qestion I suggest you ask is -  I'm not sure, but I'll have a stab in the dark at the internet. go forth, swollow your pride and join a dating site. The demographic of girls your looking for is pretty small so you need as much help as you can get.
Oh I swallowed that bit of pride a LONG time ago. I've lost track of how many dating sites I've signed up for. They're all either complete bullshit or have exorbitant monthly fees that I can't afford. I've been going down that road for years now and haven't met even one person that way.

I'd say that if you had luck finding a girl on the internet who was eager to deflower you, your best bet might be to try the internet again.  Forums for things you are interested in would be a place, or heck, even a dating site.  Some are better than others, many people join several just to increase their odds.  OKCupid is pretty fun.  I joined that just to take silly tests.
That would fall under shit stuff I already do.

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There's no need to try being something you're not, but it can be helpful in the long run to step outside your comfort zone once in a while.  I used to think I hated clubs.  I thought the music was awful and the strobe lights were annoying.  Some friends dragged me out, and I actually had a pretty good time just dancing away.  If I'd been unwilling to go, I'd have missed out on some fun.  Keep your options open, and don't be afraid to try something even if you think you might not enjoy it.  Don't head to the beach and risk your health, of course.
My friends took me to a club in San Francisco a couple of times. It was fun, sort of, I danced 'n stuff, but a bit beyond the realm of my social abilities. I have that phobia, I forget what its called, but it basically means "fear of attention". Been working on that one a long time, and its gotten better but its a long way from gone; it makes that sort of environment very difficult to participate in. Plus the people for the most part seemed like the kind of people I would get sick of quickly.
Anyway, the point is that I am not unwilling. I do things whenever opportunities arise.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lines on 27 Mar 2009, 17:27
I sincerely mean no offense whatsoever by this, but do you talk to a psychologist/psychiatrist/counselor at all? I mean, I honestly haven't the slightest clue about where to even start giving you pointers about how to improve your social life. From your posts, I think it's not all your quirks that are hindering your chances with the ladies, I think it's a social thing and I think talking to someone who knows how to help with social things would be beneficial. Or even to have someone who's very close to you IRL might be able to help. I don't think your questions are being answered as well as you want them to be here because no one here actually knows you.

As for what people mentioned about allergies, there are allergies to the sun, so no, I don't think you should be forced to do things in nature. But the food thing could be caused not by allergies at all but because of something causing your saliva glands to be blocked up. I don't know whether this is the case or not, but certain medications can cause you to be more sensitive to food and then in turn cause that. (It happened to my mom when she'd switched to a new prescription.) Mostly it is caused by salty foods, like someone said earlier, but then again it could be a minor allergy that's causing it. I can't remember if you said you'd been to an allergist or not, but since bodies change over time and you can develop allergies as you age, you should probably go again if you can.

I would try to give date suggestions, but I am not very good at dating, so all I can say is that whatever your hobbies and interests are is your best chance of meeting someone you'll like. Whatever you like doing, do it in public. Go to concerts, conventions, shows, parties, whatever.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Reed on 27 Mar 2009, 17:44
My friends took me to a club in San Francisco a couple of times. It was fun, sort of, I danced 'n stuff, but a bit beyond the realm of my social abilities. I have that phobia, I forget what its called, but it basically means "fear of attention". Been working on that one a long time, and its gotten better but its a long way from gone; it makes that sort of environment very difficult to participate in. Plus the people for the most part seemed like the kind of people I would get sick of quickly.
Anyway, the point is that I am not unwilling. I do things whenever opportunities arise.

I have suffered (and still do to some extent) from really bad social anxiety. The thing that helped me more than anything was being forced into social situations that were difficult for me (in my case it was moving to the dorms in college, which wound up really being the greatest thing to happen to me). You say you enjoyed clubs, but were still having difficulties there, so I think you should really try going more often. I know how much it sucks being forced into a situation like that, but if you're anything like me it will really help you in the long run. Try to just go and have as much fun as possible, don't worry about getting tired of the people there, you're not yet. Just go out, have fun, and relax.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: bbq on 28 Mar 2009, 07:37
Is it acceptable to just be happy around someone and not actually feel any need to make a romantic move because you're happy enough just being with them?

If that makes any sense. Just checking.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: valley_parade on 28 Mar 2009, 07:41
Works for me.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Inlander on 28 Mar 2009, 08:32
Yes. It's called "having a friend".
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: bbq on 28 Mar 2009, 08:36
Yes. It's called "having a friend".

Haha. I meant with a girl who you have very strong feelings for.  :-P

And that you like them enough that it is enough just being with them. Sorry I didn't exactly make it clear.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jace on 28 Mar 2009, 08:44
Yes. It's called "having a friend".
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lines on 28 Mar 2009, 10:26
Yes. It's called "having a friend you have a crush on".
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: benji on 28 Mar 2009, 10:54
Just make sure you're realistic about this. Being someone's friend doesn't always develop in to the fulfillment of a crush. Though it can lead to that at times, it's best to be prepared that you might always just be friends and to get to the point where you're okay with that. Don't continue to hang out with her under false pretenses. If you're just hanging out because you hope that someday it will maybe lead to something, you're setting yourself up for disappointment, and she will be legitimately pissed. After all, she thought she had a friend and here you were just trying to get in to her pants the entire time. Also, don't let her stand in the way of developing other romantic interests. If she's made it pretty clear that she just wants to be your friend, then you not dating other people and "waiting for her" isn't romantic, it's creepy. Avoid these pitfalls and a little sexual attraction between friends can lead to a very close and affectionate friendship.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: bbq on 28 Mar 2009, 11:05
The point being, I'm not hanging around with her under false pretenses. Even if I didn't like her like that, I'd still enjoy hanging around with her. Thanks for the post though, there's some pretty good advice in there.  :-)
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: snalin on 28 Mar 2009, 13:40
Forgot to answer these:
Any tips?

Just that if I were to find out that someone who was pursuing me didn't bother to decide between backstabbing friends and myself, then I obviously wouldn't mean as much to that person as they thought I did.  You should stand up for what you believe in.

Also, why are you hanging out with "stupid assholes?"  There are more important things than having a social life, and I think it would be more emotionally healthy to spend time with people you find worthwhile rather than necessary for some reason.
Any tips?

Do any of these people know her that you're aware of or are they just really that insecure/silly? I only ask this because when in college one of the ladies I was mildly interested in basically turned out to be ridiculously conceited gossip who luckily lost a bunch of credibility as more people got to know her.
I overdid it when I said that they were "stupid assholes". It's just more that... ah, this is a total dickish thing to say, but I feel intellectually far superior to them. They are nice people, I share some interests with them, I can joke and laugh with them, sure. But they have no clue about popular culture, they don't care about politics or anything remotely important (they can't go any further than "bombing Palestine is bad", "the children in Africa is hungry, we should totally do something"), and such thing. This girl I like, she has all that. I can have conversations with her about how a play is stupid because it was a shitty try at self-realisation and being "deep", altough they didn't do anything new. We can make fun of hipsters together. We can chat about how the right side of Norwegian politics should have fun with their urinal tubes and barbed wire, because they are going to fucking destroy our country. And so on. Her problem is that she tries to have the same conversation with my other, "dumber" friends, I don't do this. Since they can't tell the difference between being smart and faking it, they thing she is trying to be all important and grown up and better than them, when she really isn't any good at lowering herself to a simpler level of conversation. This is why thay sometimes talk shit about her.

But your advice is pretty damn good. The next time they start, I'll tell them that they are being bitches, and she is a smart girl who I think deserves better than them being bitches about what kind of person she is. Mostly because I mean it, but also because I hope that I can make them accept her. Then me trying to date her won't make me be shunned by my other friends.

Thanks, guys.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 28 Mar 2009, 14:49
Hey guys, I have a friend who means a lot to me, but as nothing more than a friend. He is awesome and I love him and all that jazz, but I don't feel anything "romantic" towards him.

Soon, we will be going out on what will be a rather emotional adventure for me. He is going to be there for support, hugs, and advice. Now, since I'm gonna be all stressed out and a nervous wreck, I'd like to wear this one outfit that is fairly revealing, but consists of three layers, so it makes me feel super safe. But because it is pretty low cut, and honestly kinda slutty, I am pretty sure he'll think I am trying to hit on him. My other option is to wear this shirt that I got recently that I look like a boy in(since I got it in the boy's section and all) that I really like, that he would awesome think is pretty neat(its got some of our favorite things on it), but doesn't work as armor against stressful things. But he wouldn't think I was hitting on him. The break down of the shirts is like this:

Slutty shirt:
-5 stress
+1 confusion(in allies)
+3 anger(in allies)
+3    attraction(in creepers)

The boy shirt:
-3 attraction
-2 confidence
-3 warmth


What should I wear?



(Note: this post is only half serious. The rest is just kinda silly.)
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Josefbugman on 28 Mar 2009, 15:24
Boy shirt + a coat of some description? To make you warm and to provide a tougher thing to wear.

Would advise not going with said "slutty" top, because of problems it is liable to cause.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lunchbox on 28 Mar 2009, 15:43
I'd go the slutty top. Who cares? It's just a bit of boob.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: tommydski on 28 Mar 2009, 15:48
Slutty shirt:
-5 stress
+1 confusion(in allies)
+3 anger(in allies)
+3    attraction(in creepers)

The boy shirt:
-3 attraction
-2 confidence
-3 warmth

This is a great way of looking at the clothes you wear. We could maybe have a thread based on this.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: snalin on 28 Mar 2009, 16:07
hoodies:

awesome +5

jeans:

Awesome +5

That's pretty much how my post in that thread.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: MrBlu on 28 Mar 2009, 16:11
Hey guys, I used an elixer and a powder of luck and managed to get my sweater vest to +5!!! I even manage to reduce the Female unattraction penalty to only 2!
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Josefbugman on 28 Mar 2009, 16:13
Hoodies

-5 charisma to all those with "lawful" alignment
+5 charisma to anyone else wearing a hoodie
+3 stealth if hood is up

Thats good news dude, but I thought you could socket that sweater vest?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 28 Mar 2009, 17:16
Guys, I hope you aren't making fun of me. This is for serious how I look at my clothes.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: tommydski on 28 Mar 2009, 17:23
No I think it's awesome.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: pwhodges on 28 Mar 2009, 17:44
What should I wear?

Perhaps a floaty scarf that's light enough to keep on would tame the slutty top for you?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: LittleKey on 28 Mar 2009, 19:14
I agree, numbered attributes for clothes is a great idea (and Emaline, I'm not making fun of you).

Jeans:
+5 awesomeness
-1 wear them too much

Shorts:
-5 hairy legs

T-Shirt:
+4 comfortable

Sweatshirt:
+5 comfortable (even when wearing t-shirt underneath, overall comfort is 5; aka adds one comfort)
-2 overheating

w/ hood:
+1 comfortable for total of 6
+ 4 stealth
+2 aloofness
-2 legality (not allowed to wear inside at school)
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 0bsessions on 28 Mar 2009, 20:03
*Ahem*

Shouldn't this belong in the fashion thread or something?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: MrBlu on 28 Mar 2009, 22:17
Shorts:
-5 hairy legs
I have hairy legs, and never had a problem with shorts. I've started more or less wearing mainly plaid shorts. Are you a woman?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: negative creep on 28 Mar 2009, 22:19
Well, it might have something to do with you not having pale white legs... at least for me that is a problem with shorts and the reason why I usually don't wear them.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 28 Mar 2009, 22:34
See, I do not have hairy legs, I have feminine calves. This is why I need to ride my bicycle all the time, to build up strong legs, so I don't look like a lady from the knees-down.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 28 Mar 2009, 23:43
James I have huge calves does this make my legs ugly?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 29 Mar 2009, 07:47
No it just means they aren't dainty like a ballerina.
I just don't have hairy legs and I've got slim calves so if I don't define them well I get self-conscious.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lines on 29 Mar 2009, 08:09
Emaline, could you wear the slutty one under the boy shirt? I mean, you'd still be wearing it, but your friend wouldn't be confused.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 29 Mar 2009, 09:47
No. The slutty one is a few different layers. And one of the layers(the lacy one) has a bit of a collar on it, just would peak out under the boy shirt. I will probably just wear the slutty shirt.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: bbq on 29 Mar 2009, 10:47
If you are good good friends, then why don't you just tell him you aren't hitting on him? Y'know, make a little joke out of it.  :-)
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: BrittanyMarie on 29 Mar 2009, 10:51
Yeah maybe when you are looking at apartments you'll find one you love and you will have a sexy neighbor who likes tattoos and octopi and fuckin' rad music and also you.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 29 Mar 2009, 10:59
But he likes rad music and octopi and kinda me. Except I cannot hit on him.


If he says anything(as he has in the past when I wore low cut tops, I will just "psh" him.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Josefbugman on 29 Mar 2009, 14:34
Okay guys, first question what does "psh" mean?

Second, I am in one of my philosophical moments, so I am wondering for a moment, what do you guys actually want out of relationships? As in really want out of them? You all seem to be somewhat quirky individuals but having asked most of my real life friends they inevitably want to do the whole "get married and have kids" thingamajig, and I was just wondering what you guys thought about that.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: bbq on 29 Mar 2009, 14:36
Well at the moment what I want is.. Actually, that's pretty hard to answer (this is coming from a 15 year old, btw). Well, the best I can come up with is the person I want to be with being with me.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 29 Mar 2009, 15:30
"Psh" is like saying "whatevs." Or "hahaha you are so wrong."



And right now, .....I have no fucking clue what I want out of a relationship. Or even that I want one. I don't really want to spend time worrying about someone, or (god forbid)someone worry about me(which, at this current moment, is way too much to ask anyone. I feel like I shouldn't meet anyone new without first saying "just so you know, I am suicidally depressed!").

But I do want someone to go out and have fun with, and be sexual with and get cuddles from. I get enough emotional support from my friends, I don't need another person getting overly worried about me.

Does any of that make sense?

One of my closest friends(the one I was talking about earlier!) thinks that this is all a terrible idea for myself, and that I will only end up getting hurt, and being hurt worse. And that I should wait until my life is less crazy and tiring to try anything at all with anyone.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: nobo on 29 Mar 2009, 15:57
I get enough emotional support from my friends, I don't need another person getting overly worried about me.

usually, but not always, the person you are in a relationship in is or becomes your closest friend, so I don't think you can have a relationship with someone and not have them worry about you, especially if you describe yourself as suicidally depressed.

That said, what I've looked for in a relationship is someone who compliments me. Its not necessary to me for us to have the same taste in music, movies, fashion, but rather a respect and understanding for each others character and personality. 
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: tania on 29 Mar 2009, 16:17
for me, it isn't so much "what i look for in a relationship" as it is "what my relationships are like" cos i have always been pretty indifferent when single and don't really actively look to be with someone. all of my serious relationships started because i realised they were my closest friend and that i didn't want to experience my life without them.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 29 Mar 2009, 17:36
I get enough emotional support from my friends, I don't need another person getting overly worried about me.

usually, but not always, the person you are in a relationship in is or becomes your closest friend, so I don't think you can have a relationship with someone and not have them worry about you, especially if you describe yourself as suicidally depressed.   


Which is why I don't want a relationship. I don't want a relationship because I don't want someone to worry about me. I don't need another body worrying about me. But it'd be nice to have somebody to play with. Someone who I can hang out with and not have to spend a second thinking about my shitty life. I understand that my friends want me to talk about my shitty life to try to help me, but I don't want to think about it everytime I leave my house.

I don't think I'm asking for too much. I just want some dude or lady who is down with just hanging out, and fucking around. I don't want comitment. I don't want involvement. I just want to have some fun.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: MrBlu on 29 Mar 2009, 17:48
Okay guys, first question what does "psh" mean?

Second, I am in one of my philosophical moments, so I am wondering for a moment, what do you guys actually want out of relationships? As in really want out of them? You all seem to be somewhat quirky individuals but having asked most of my real life friends they inevitably want to do the whole "get married and have kids" thingamajig, and I was just wondering what you guys thought about that.
My friend asked me that, because I wasn't looking for sex out of a relationship, so he asked "what's the point?"
I don't remember what my response was, but I remember saying something about him being shallow, and something about the wrong reasons.

Now, thinking about it, I'm not sure. Maybe it's just so I can have someone to talk to late hours in the morning, or maybe I've gotten used to sharing affection with someone. It's a good feeling, really.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: kitschykat on 29 Mar 2009, 21:00
I'd like to fall in love again, but special people take time to find. For now I aim to spend time with people, get to know each other, and enjoy basking in each other's humanity.

The whole happily ever after marriage and kids things at times feels too conventional, but you can take anything conventional and twist it to suit you as an individual person, as long as you know that you want it for your own reasons and not just because you are supposed to want it. I feel like I used to be more reactive and not want things just because I felt like I was supposed to, but that really isn't that much better than just going along with it. As someone who didn't get to have the classic loving family, I'm beginning to think that is something that would really give me a lot of satisfaction and happiness to finally be a part of. Like knowing that I can break the cycle.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jace on 30 Mar 2009, 00:06
I'd like to fuck all the time.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: snalin on 30 Mar 2009, 11:51
Fucking, cuddling, and someone to talk to. You know, really just talk about everything and have fun while doing it. I guess what I want the most is someone that I can be together with in every way I want. Not that I'd be clingy (I guess), but someone to do everything with, including sexing.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Barmymoo on 30 Mar 2009, 13:42
I realised today that a guy who I've been getting the same bus as for two years is actually kind of cute (I'd noticed this before in an abstract way), very nice and pretty interesting. I like the idea of being in a relationship with him even though I'm not attracted to him. Is this doomed to failure? I have no idea how he feels about me, I was just wondering really.

Oh and I think I kind of asked him on a date, sort of. We were talking about Duplicity which I'm going to see with some friends and I asked him if he wanted to come too. He seemed keen! I shall decide whether or not I want it to be a date and then we shall see.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: kitschykat on 30 Mar 2009, 21:36
So this guy messaged me on a dating website and was all "I might be too old for you..." and I looked at his profile and thought, wow he is really awesome and we have a lot in common, but 34 is too old for 21 year old me. So I messaged him back and said that, but noted that we should chat because he seems really cool. We talked on the internets and it was very nice, and we met up at a local coffee shop (he only lives a few miles away!). When we met it turns out I find him attractive, and I could tell that for some reason in meeting him I felt a bit nervous. It went really well and we talked about 80s cartoons, recent shows we had gone to (it turned out we were at the same one a few months ago), and movies. He invited me to go thriftshopping with him on Saturday, which I might depending on if I am free. We have so much in common I'm a little afraid to post this in case he turns out to post on this forum.

I realized when I got back that I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should be like, "hey never mind on the too old for me thing" or if he's just this new awesome friend I have. What do I dooooooo relationship thread
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 0bsessions on 30 Mar 2009, 21:43
If you're attracted to the dude and you guys share a bunch of common interests and have actual things to talk about and have fun doing together, just go for it if you think it might be a good time. Cliche as the saying is, age really is just a number in most cases. I've seen much more ridiculous age differences than that. A couple people in your life might get a little up in arms about it, but it sounds to me like you guys clicked well enough that it might be worth pursuing.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lunchbox on 30 Mar 2009, 21:45
34 is not so old for a 21 year old, especially if you find him attractive and you get along well and you don't get any creepy 'Dad vibes' from him. Just take it as a friendship and see what happens I guess!
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: -Karamazov- on 30 Mar 2009, 21:59
I realised today that a guy who I've been getting the same bus as for two years is actually kind of cute (I'd noticed this before in an abstract way), very nice and pretty interesting. I like the idea of being in a relationship with him even though I'm not attracted to him. Is this doomed to failure? I have no idea how he feels about me, I was just wondering really.

Oh and I think I kind of asked him on a date, sort of. We were talking about Duplicity which I'm going to see with some friends and I asked him if he wanted to come too. He seemed keen! I shall decide whether or not I want it to be a date and then we shall see.

I can't think about that movie without thinking about this picture (http://imgur.com/19K9F.gif)

In all honesty though, attraction is a tremendous part of a relationship.  It depends what you mean by "like the idea of being in an a relationship with him."
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Josefbugman on 31 Mar 2009, 01:41
I am rather pleased to notice that my question has elicited such a wide range of answers, I was expecting a wider and more interesting amount of answers than I got out of real life people, and its good to see that people all want something different.

But I have to ask (and this is partially out of sheer self indulgence) does anyone plan on not having a relationship at all when they got older? Its just that I can quite easily picture myself living alone forever pretty much, and it is starting to worry other people (and myself if I am honest) that nobody else has even considered the possibility outside of there darkest nightmares.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jimmy the Squid on 31 Mar 2009, 02:59
Well, when I was younger (around 17-18) I couldn't really envision myself being with anyone for any particularly long time. I had a girlfriend at the time but I kind of hated her and was only with her because I didn't want to be alone and I had all kinds of self-destructive habits and whatnot. Any time that I tried to imagine an older version of myself I would always be alone. Not unhappy, just not with anyone. Even when I imagined having kids I always figured I would be a single dad; either divorced or widowed or something.

Now that I'm (slightly) older and I've kicked the habit of being with people (both platonically and romantically) who are absolutely terrible for me I've been in a happy and successful relationship for over two years. We're talking about moving in together next year and I can honestly see a different outlook for my life. I even don't hate the idea of having kids anymore after having met Pen's daughter when I was in Boston as she is pretty much cute as a button and, in my experience of children, just the sweetest kid in the world.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: pen on 31 Mar 2009, 04:22
Damn right.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: valley_parade on 31 Mar 2009, 07:15
Plus she gives a pretty great high five.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: michaelicious on 31 Mar 2009, 07:58
34 is not so old for a 21 year old, especially if you find him attractive and you get along well and you don't get any creepy 'Dad vibes' from him. Just take it as a friendship and see what happens I guess!

13 year-old dad vibes
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jace on 31 Mar 2009, 09:05
34 is not so old for a 21 year old, especially if you find him attractive and you get along well and you don't get any creepy 'Dad vibes' from him. Just take it as a friendship and see what happens I guess!

13 year-old dad vibes (http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2233878.ece)
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 31 Mar 2009, 14:59

But I have to ask (and this is partially out of sheer self indulgence) does anyone plan on not having a relationship at all when they got older?


I don't plan on this one way or the other. Yes, I'd probably enjoy being in a relationship with someone when things settle down and my life is not completely chaotic. Do I need a relationship to complete my life? No, not really. I am fine with being single as long as I have good friends. And good fuck buddies.


That all being said....

Would I be a terrible person if I started an extremely casual relationship with someone who I am not attracted to, nor do I ever have any plans to have any sort of serious or any more serious relationship with this person?*

They give me the attention that I want and I know I could get them to play "boyfriend/girlfriend" with me(meaning: make outs, and snuggles, and "oh my gosh we are head over heels for each other!" but not really being serious about any of it).




*the answer to this question is yes. Yes, I would be a terrible person. This person would get hurt, and it'd be my fault. People are not toys. They are living, breathing things with emotions. Tell me that I should not do this.




Also, a long long long long time ago, I used to sleep with/hang around with this one fellow. Our relationship never meant anything more than banging. Occasionally, we'd just hang out and not fuck, and this was all fine and dandy and fun, and neither of us had any complaints about that. But mostly we just slept together. We ended our relationship rather apathetically, when we both moved away. No one got hurt and occasionally we'd make rather lusty phone calls to each other, but in general we lost touch.


*Now, I am probably moving to the same neighborhood as him, and I have been really tempted to start our relationship up with him. I talked to him just the other day and he seems pretty ok with it. One of my friends is concerned that I will just end up hurt if I do start up this relationship with this guy. What are your thoughts?


*this is if I don't start up the relationship with the other fellow.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Yunior on 31 Mar 2009, 16:33
Started a new quarter at school today, cute boy in my feminism class

Is this a trick?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: tania on 31 Mar 2009, 17:00
some guys do take feminism classes to pick up girls, unfortunately. i have met lots of guys in uni (some gay girls too) who have professed to doing this and the vast majority of them were completely obnoxious misogynist assholes. there are lots of very good guys who are into feminism too though, just tread lightly and don't get your hopes up before you get to know him.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: tommydski on 31 Mar 2009, 18:29
I am very very very very suspicious of any male who actually claims to be a Feminist. Ask him if he considers himself to be a Feminist. If he answers in the positive, I'd give him a wide birth. If on the other hand he gives you a detailed response as to the nature of Feminism, he's probably genuinely interested in the movement.

Honestly, this sounds ridiculous but the only thing more annoying than ignorant men claiming to be Feminists is ignorant women pretending to be Feminist. Both reflect very badly on their gender. I've met both and they make my mind hurt.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Hat on 31 Mar 2009, 18:36
Started a new quarter at school today, cute boy in my feminism class

Is this a trick?

Possibly nu-Romantic frilly collar type. tread carefully
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: nobo on 31 Mar 2009, 18:47


my high school literature teacher defined feminist as a person who think women should have equal rights. By that definition its not hard to find men that are feminists.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: tommydski on 31 Mar 2009, 18:49
By that definition nearly everyone in the world is a Feminist.

I disagree completely but I guess this is the wrong thread to do it in.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: negative creep on 31 Mar 2009, 18:53
Didn't we have one in the Discuss forum?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Gilead on 31 Mar 2009, 18:58
By that definition nearly everyone in the world is a Feminist.

Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Have you actually like, been in the world recently? At all?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 31 Mar 2009, 19:15
Guys, once me and Tommy had a huge fight about this. I think its probably best to not discuss it.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: tommydski on 31 Mar 2009, 19:16
I guess I should have said "Western World"?

It's a fashionable thing to say regardless of what you believe. Most people will pay lip-service to the idea of equality because it's easier to admit than to get involved in the inevitable debate.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Professor Snuggles on 31 Mar 2009, 19:18
Started a new quarter at school today, cute boy in my feminism class

Is this a trick?

Be hella suspicious.


hella
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: tommydski on 31 Mar 2009, 19:19
Guys, once me and Tommy had a huge fight about this. I think its probably best to not discuss it.

That's not actually what the discussion I believe you to be referring to was about but I don't want to dredge this up either.

A good reason to not discuss it is that it's not appropriate in this particular thread - namely because it's useful/amusing and doesn't need derailing.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 31 Mar 2009, 19:29
Ok, fine. I don't want to argue, but if you guys feel the need to discuss this, there is a proper thread for it, and I'd rather not have anyone mucking this thread up.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: tommydski on 31 Mar 2009, 19:33
Agreed.  :-)

I guess the question she posed was legitimate though.

How about this - what difference does it make? If you like the dude, you like him. If he did sign up to chase skirt but you like each other, his motivation is irrelevant.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lines on 31 Mar 2009, 20:33
Some people confuse being a feminism with egalitarianism. Just sayin'.

Also, maybe the guy is taking the class with hopes it will help him understand women. Feel free to assist him with extracurricular studies.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 31 Mar 2009, 20:54
Also,


(Oh man. Somebody answer my questions. I have one friend telling me that I would NOT be an ass for screwing around with the first guy, and one friend telling me I am completely stupid for wanting to start things up with the other guy.)
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: benji on 31 Mar 2009, 21:08
Emaline, I think you're fine in either case so long as you're honest with the people involved and are sure they're capable of being honest with you and with themselves.

If the first guy (as you maybe imply) is not capable of being in a relationship that's just for fun and doesn't mean anything, then you probably shouldn't enter in to a relationship with him. It won't feel good for long if you're just playing around and he thinks you're a serious prospect.

If the second guy is someone who you've comfortably had a relationship of this type with in the past, there's no reason to believe you won't be able to handle it this time.

However, you should be honest with yourself too. You seem to be in a rough spot right now and sex, even casual sex, can have complicated emotions involved. It might be best just to not enter in to a sexual relationship with anyone for a little while and see if you can get to a stable, happy place for yourself first. It's up to you to decide what you can handle, but if a little physical comfort isn't worth the additional emotional stress, please admit that to yourself.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Yunior on 31 Mar 2009, 21:23
I found out he is a Gender Studies and Performance Studies major.

Is he gay? Is he for real? Am I in love? What is happening?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 31 Mar 2009, 21:26
The last two times I've had sex, its been with someone I didn't like at all. With both of these guys, I have a small amount of emotional investment. They first guy is definitely someone who I would consider my friend. We are emotionally involved with each others lives. I talked to him shortly after my first therapy session, and he was basically there for part of the backlash(therapy is stupid and dumb and terrible and I hate it and it makes me act like a child. I came home and I threw shit. I threw a newspaper at the wall, and my wallet at a mirror. I don't typically act like this.) He is a witness to my bad behavior and how I am emotionally, and he deals with it well. He also has a lot more emotionally invested in me than I do in him. I feel like, even if I am completely honest with him, he is still going to get hurt.


As for the second guy, well, I am pretty sure I don't mean much more to him than a fuck buddy. I used to worry that he was too emotionally attached because he is quite a snuggler, and man, every person that I've just casually hooked up with was not into snuggles at all, and this dude is hardcore into them. But I honestly don't think he has any emotional attachment to me. I don't think hanging out with some dude, and banging occasionally will be a bad thing at all.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lines on 31 Mar 2009, 21:31
Clara, maybe he's bi. Gender bender!

Em, I can't answer your question because I tried the fuck buddy thing once and it made me feel all sorts of wrong. But uh, if you're going to do it, go for the second guy. Don't hurt your friend if you don't have to. Also, snuggles are pretty much amazing. Embrace the snuggles.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: MrBlu on 31 Mar 2009, 21:37
By that definition nearly everyone in the world is a Feminist.
EQUAL RIGHTS mean I can find a girl that will date a guy younger than or of equal age to them.

THERE ARE NO EQUAL RIGHTS.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: benji on 31 Mar 2009, 22:01
Wait, of all the inequities/gender differences in the world you could have picked, it's that women usually like older guys? Men usually like younger women, so it sorta' works out in the end, and if you've got a thing for older women there are enough of them out there who do like younger guys that you should probably be fine.

Anyway, Em, if you're going to do this, I agree with Linds it needs to be guy #2. It sounds like guy #1 probably is someone you need as a friend right now, and if you screw that up by sleeping with him, knowing that it will mean something more to him then it does to you, you might regret it later.

And Yunior, if you're curious about Gender Studies guy's sexual orientation, just ask him. If he's a gender studies major, he's probably comfortable talking about it and will probably give you an honest answer. For the record, I'm a (mostly) heterosexual dude and I briefly thought about getting a master's degree in gender studies simply because I find it really interesting. So you never know.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 31 Mar 2009, 22:09
By that definition nearly everyone in the world is a Feminist.
EQUAL RIGHTS mean I can find a girl that will date a guy younger than or of equal age to them.

THERE ARE NO EQUAL RIGHTS.


Cougars.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: MrBlu on 31 Mar 2009, 22:19
I don't think a Cougar is going to go for a 16 year o-... Nevermind.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Barmymoo on 01 Apr 2009, 02:58
I dated a guy who was two years younger than me when I was sixteen. It was the best relationship I've had to date.

I wouldn't date you though. It would take me more than two years to walk to see you each day.



This is a facetious reply but I'm being fairly serious: age gaps don't matter after a certain point. Just because it's socially common for the man to be older doesn't mean it's wrong for the woman to be older.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Eris on 01 Apr 2009, 03:34
I am dating a guy 10 years my senior. It is pretty awesome.

I think that girls your age probably don't want to date guys the same age or younger because of maturity factors. Girls mature earlier than guys (generalising here) so they would probably go for older men as they would be the same maturity level. Dating a younger guy would probably have the same issues, so it's probably why that happens.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Spluff on 01 Apr 2009, 03:35
Plenty of girls date younger. Sure, they may prefer older, just like they may prefer doctors, or brunettes - but that doesn't mean they will reject everybody else out of hand. Make a good impression and you should be fine.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 01 Apr 2009, 08:35
The last person I had any sort of a relationship with was 7 years older than me. He is now seeing a woman who is 7 years older than me.


We are still friends, and whenever we had our little relationship, he used to tell me that I am too young for him all the time. I guess it was a big deal to him. Now that he is dating his lady, with the same age gap as he and I had, I always want to tease him and ask if she says he's too young.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jace on 01 Apr 2009, 09:23
The last person I had any sort of a relationship with was 7 years older than me. He is now seeing a woman who is 7 years older than me.

Emaline's age=x
His age=x+7
Other woman's age also=x+7

I think you made a typo. I think I understand that you meant to say 7 years older than him. Otherwise you just blew my mind.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: benji on 01 Apr 2009, 09:32
Granted, I would be more reluctant to start a serious relationship with a 19-year-old (7 years younger) then a 33-year-old (7 years older). It's not just the number of years or even the ratio so much as it's a stage of life thing. I've both finished my bachelor's and worked in the professional world for several years, I'm planning for grad school and I'm reasonably sure where my life is going, I'm completely independent of my parents, and I'd like to start thinking about starting a family of my own. Given all that, I would prefer to date someone who is also either done with or in the later stages of her education, had a clear sense of what she was going to do with her life, lived on her own, and was ready to start thinking about marriage and family. This doesn't describe all that many 19-year-olds. Simply put, I'd be much more likely to find someone who shares my goals for the relationship with the older woman then I would be with the younger woman.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 01 Apr 2009, 09:37
The last person I had any sort of a relationship with was 7 years older than me. He is now seeing a woman who is 7 years older than me.

Emaline's age=x
His age=x+7
Other woman's age also=x+7

I think you made a typo. I think I understand that you meant to say 7 years older than him. Otherwise you just blew my mind.

Haha, yeah. Man I was totally confused there for a second, but you are right.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: tania on 01 Apr 2009, 12:23
Girls mature earlier than guys (generalising here) so they would probably go for older men as they would be the same maturity level.

i hear this all the time and there probably is some truth to it, but it still bugs me cos i have met a lot of guys who only date younger girls and like to say this because that way they can justify their creepy relationships with their girlfriends who are drastically younger than them (not creepy specifically because of the age difference, but creepy because they actually were just creepy couples). i'm pretty hypocritical anyway in that everyone i've ever been involved with has been a few years older than me, but still, something about hearing guys say this gives me a bit of a bad vibe.
basically what i am trying to say in this lame post is that i wish there were more guys who are cool with dating older ladies.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Ozymandias on 01 Apr 2009, 12:25
I am so completely down with dating older ladies.

Not really older men, though.

I can't explain that one.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Reed on 01 Apr 2009, 12:31
I am too. I really don't understand why some people get weirded out by it. Especially once you're in your twenties and the maturity issue shouldn't matter as much.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: ackblom12 on 01 Apr 2009, 12:32
I really would not have a problem in the least dating an older lady.

Except that whole not single thing, you know.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lines on 01 Apr 2009, 12:36
I like dating people at the same maturity level as me and that's all I know. But I am in my 20s and I don't want to date younger boys because the ones around here are kind of dumb.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Josefbugman on 01 Apr 2009, 13:00
How is "maturity level" defined. I mean I just wanted to ask how people define how "mature" someone is.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 01 Apr 2009, 14:36
Girls mature earlier than guys (generalising here) so they would probably go for older men as they would be the same maturity level.
See I think this only applies when you're talking about people between the ages of 14 and 18.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: kitschykat on 01 Apr 2009, 14:54
By that definition nearly everyone in the world is a Feminist.
EQUAL RIGHTS mean I can find a girl that will date a guy younger than or of equal age to them.

THERE ARE NO EQUAL RIGHTS.

Actually it's funny that although now I'm semi into this 34 year old guy, and dated some people one or two years older than me, the vast number of people I've been into have tended to be younger or maybe the same age. AND THEY WERE ALL EFFING DUMB. srsly

One thing I've noticed with equal age or younger guys 18-22 is that they freak out easy. Showing interest means I love them and want to suck them into a heavy serious relationship, even if what I'm really getting at is a bootycall. Or sometimes they were into the serious thing, but as a result completely changed their personality and became uninteresting.

I think maturity level as far as relationships go is being able to be honest and upfront about your emotions and what you want. Also important is having a sense of self strong enough to be open to growing and learning from someone else, while still resisting the urge to abandon their individual perspective in hopes of merging completely into a single relationship unit (so gross). There is a really fine balance between the ability to love and depend on other people, and the ability to be independent on one's own. It might be something you have to figure out with time. I think men are raised in a culture that discourages the dependence aspect, as well as demonstrating emotion (being a wuss, being emo, i.e. being a 'girl') so perhaps thats why there is a hunk of truth in the generalization that they mature slower as there needs to be more time to reprogram all that junk out.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Eris on 01 Apr 2009, 16:39
Girls mature earlier than guys (generalising here) so they would probably go for older men as they would be the same maturity level.
See I think this only applies when you're talking about people between the ages of 14 and 18.

Mr Blu is 16, no? That is what I was referring to. I agree that after about 18 the whole "maturity" thing evens out so it's not really an excuse after that point.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: IronOxide on 01 Apr 2009, 16:43
I am dating a guy thirty-eight million my senior. It is pretty awesome.

I think that girls your age probably don't want to date guys the same age or younger because of maturity factors. Girls mature earlier than guys (generalising here) so they would probably go for older men as they would be the same maturity level. Dating a younger guy would probably have the same issues, so it's probably why that happens.

FYP
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 01 Apr 2009, 16:49
Yeah sorry Hannah hadn't read the whole thing. I'd make a joke about how old est is but I mean I don't want to do that too much.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Eris on 01 Apr 2009, 16:54
(http://wwwdelivery.superstock.com/WI/223/1439/PreviewComp/SuperStock_1439R-93077.jpg)
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: est on 01 Apr 2009, 17:04
You are so mean to me.

Like, 24/7 mean.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 0bsessions on 01 Apr 2009, 17:39
It's alright, though, because old people don't have feelings.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: pwhodges on 01 Apr 2009, 22:21
Cold and corpse-like, eh?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Masterbainter on 02 Apr 2009, 04:51
Love,  A word that many define differently.  A word that some take for granted and use everyday in their simpllist conversations.  In the same sense someone may take the word verify seriously and never use it because of the seriousness it inflicts within their own thought process.  This word can be used to generalize how you should be towards your kindred.  Where as this word may be used for that special one person in your life that means more than everything and everyone else to you.  It may be a word used in a moment of passion as chemical in your brain signal for your to blurt out a word to rationalize the intense sensative you are feeling.  Will we ever know what a true love is?  No.

No one can not be hurt in a relationship.  There is always risk when trying anything.

That is how I feel about things, but am still conflicted in my own personal mind about my relationships.  Is my logic flawed?  Do I need to narrow my own view of the word love?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 02 Apr 2009, 08:51
Dear Relationship Thread,


Remember guy #1? Well, I had told him to take me out to dinner. He wanted to, and we were going to go. Then I had a panic attack(about money) and cancelled on him. He got pissed off and told me that I needed to go because all I do is sit around and stress out all the time and I need to go have fun and do something relaxing.

Now, I kinda get the feeling that he only wants to go out for dinner because he thinks we are going to have sex afterwards, which is why he got pissed off. However, dude is also one of my friends and maybe has a point and is pissed because I do actually need to do something fun and not sit at home having panic attacks. So which is it, relationship advice thread? And what should I do?


Also, there is a plan b. I could invite him over for chinese food and card games. Which slightly sounds like a better idea because I wouldn't have to leave my home, and it would still be fun. But then, I mean, then dude is gonna think that sense we are already in my house and all that he is gonna get laid.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Ozymandias on 02 Apr 2009, 09:13
JUST GO DO SOMETHING WITH HIM.

Jesus. Maybe he just wants to go out to bone you. Maybe he doesn't. That fact is completely and totally irrelevant to the fact that the more you sit there, wondering and worrying, the less you're actually doing and the more of a hole you're going to dig to sit in. You can have a fun time with a dude who wants to make with the sex and not actually bone him and yeah maybe he'll be disappointed but fuckin' hell, that is irrelevant too because that is his own damn fault for putting expectations.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: snalin on 02 Apr 2009, 14:55
^what he said

Sitting at home worrying won't help at all. And it's probably just going to worsen your depression, so go do some shit. As long as you trust him to stop when you say "no", it's better to go than not.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Alex C on 02 Apr 2009, 22:27
A dude can totally want/enjoy sex without really thinking that everything that happens prior to the sex is so much detritus that just needs to be tolerated prior to the "main event." I've gone out with women who I figured might have sex with me and still had a great time whether it happened or not. Oddly, the fact that I'm not really all that sexually demanding to begin with is probably why I appreciate genuine enthusiasm for sex so much. I'm kinda creeped out by the idea that the girl I'm boning might see sex as merely a formality that comes along once a certain stage in the relationship is reached rather than something they have a real interest in doing. A lady closing her eyes and just thinking of England would probably kill my boner in about a tenth of a second.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 02 Apr 2009, 22:56
It isn't so much as "oh man dude has bought me dinner a few times, I obviously owe him sex" as it is "dude makes a lot of moves and advances that I ignore I am pretty sure he wants to have sex."


Anyway, I invited him over for chinese food and video games. My dog must have been trained by manhating lesbians, because as soon as he would sit next to me, she would get on the couch and sit between us. She is no little dog, she's a german shepard chow mix. So she sort of cockblocked all night. I don't think he likes my dog.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Beren on 02 Apr 2009, 23:21
Quote
. You can have a fun time with a dude who wants to make with the sex and not actually bone him and yeah maybe he'll be disappointed but fuckin' hell, that is irrelevant too because that is his own damn fault for putting expectations.

To be fair you really probably couldn't have a good time with some dudes who just want to do the deed.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: bbq on 03 Apr 2009, 15:39
Either I will not be friends with this girl or we will be dating by morning

Man relationships choices whilst drunk are bad but addictive
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lines on 04 Apr 2009, 07:49
Guys. The guy who's music I went to see and who I had lunch with yesterday - should I ask him to the movies tonight? I likes him.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Gilead on 04 Apr 2009, 07:52
Guys. The guy who's music I went to see and who I had lunch with yesterday - should I ask him to the movies tonight? I likes him.
Yes.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: valley_parade on 04 Apr 2009, 08:11
Guys. The guy who's music I went to see and who I had lunch with yesterday - should I ask him to the movies tonight? I likes him.

yes.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lines on 04 Apr 2009, 08:40
Ok. I will let you know if things go well. I'm thinking Adventureland or Monsters vs. Aliens, but we will see.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Beren on 04 Apr 2009, 08:49
Adventureland looks stupid but Monsters vs Aliens is kinda cutesy.

Oh you probably weren't asking about advice on the movie...  :-P
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: valley_parade on 04 Apr 2009, 09:10
I'd go for Monsters v. Aliens, Linds.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 04 Apr 2009, 12:33
Quote
. You can have a fun time with a dude who wants to make with the sex and not actually bone him and yeah maybe he'll be disappointed but fuckin' hell, that is irrelevant too because that is his own damn fault for putting expectations.

To be fair you really probably couldn't have a good time with some dudes who just want to do the deed.

Exactly.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lines on 04 Apr 2009, 14:32
I asked him and he said, "Of course," and we're seeing MvA. Yay!
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: kitschykat on 04 Apr 2009, 21:53
I just saw I Love You, Man. Fucking hilarious, way better than the previews showed it to be. For anyone else who needs a good date movie, I say go with that one.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lines on 04 Apr 2009, 22:54
Monsters vs. Aliens would be a great date movie. It was funny and cute, though surprisingly short.

So dude and I met up for a 9pm movie and hung around talking until around 1-ish. There were a few awkward silences, but I usually am awkwardly silent around people I haven't been around much and when we were talking the talking was good. And this definitely wasn't a date, but I don't know if he actually has that in mind or if he's just looking for more people to hang out with. I hope it isn't the latter. I don't really need another male friend without boy attached to the front of it.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Beren on 05 Apr 2009, 08:08
Quote
I don't really need another male friend without boy attached to the front of it.

I find most of my male friends have boys attached to their fronts.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: valley_parade on 05 Apr 2009, 08:10
Monsters vs. Aliens would be a great date movie. It was funny and cute, though surprisingly short.

So dude and I met up for a 9pm movie and hung around talking until around 1-ish. There were a few awkward silences, but I usually am awkwardly silent around people I haven't been around much and when we were talking the talking was good. And this definitely wasn't a date, but I don't know if he actually has that in mind or if he's just looking for more people to hang out with. I hope it isn't the latter. I don't really need another male friend without boy attached to the front of it.

I take it you had a good time, then? Good going! =D
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: LittleKey on 05 Apr 2009, 08:53
yeah, congrats :-D ! and monsters vs. aliens was an EXCELLANT movie. I saw it in 3d Imax; the visuals were crazy good.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 20 jazz funk greats on 05 Apr 2009, 12:00
dear relationships thread,

why do i get along really well with my boyfriend when we actually see each other in person (one of the reasons i haven't broken up with him, despite certain internet people's advice!) but... not so much when we are apart and communicating through phone conversations/texting/facebook/etc?  what the hell am i supposed to do about this? i don't think spending more time together is the answer because really it is not healthy to only ever hang out with your significant other, and i don't want that because i am an independent lady. but i can't see any other possible solutions either.

also why do i keep thinking about the other boy adlskgjfjhdkdfgdsk. i don't have romantic feelings for him, i just think things kind of ended on a weird note and i would like things to stop being weird and have teh normal friendships but i don't want to act creepy and clingy and keep on inviting him to do stuff with me (not sexy stuff) and keep getting shot down, cause that would be kind of sad and pathetic and desperate. so i just don't talk to him even though i do want to. should i try getting in touch with him again or just not bother?



Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Alex C on 05 Apr 2009, 12:47
Unless the communication issues are full blown arguments I wouldn't read too much into them. Speaking from my own experience, I'm about a 1000% better at and more interested in face-to-face communication than talking over a phone. Quite simply, I was raised in a family that communicates largely through equal parts sarcasm and animated body language; I have a strong tendency to send most of my positive/approving messages through non-verbal communication and my negative messages verbally. That's fine in a face-to-face situation when people can obviously tell I'm happy to see them, but over a phone I find life is a lot easier if I actively change the way I communicate. It works, but frankly, it's something I'm not really interested in doing for any longer than I have to. Honestly, the best relationship of my life was somewhat awkward over the phone but it didn't really matter very much.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: kitschykat on 05 Apr 2009, 16:32
A lot of people just don't like the phone, or other technology, unless it's for communicating essential information. I'm assuming you guys see each other regularly enough that he might not find it necessary to spend much energy on those other things. Does this actually bother you? Or do you just worry it is indicative of greater problems with your relationship? If it does bother you, maybe you could drop a casual comment, like that you'd like to catch up with him more when you aren't together, etc. But really I feel like there are just some people who don't find technology to mesh with their communication style and probably won't change much unless you show its really really important to you. If its not, then it probably isn't a big deal.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Beren on 05 Apr 2009, 17:46
Quote
not so much when we are apart and communicating through phone conversations/texting/facebook/etc?

What's "not so much?" Full on arguing? Lack of discussion? Lack of connection?

For me it just depends on how seriously I'm taking the relationship. If the other person has a hard time connecting to me when I'm not physically there, it's going to be a pretty big drawback if I'm taking the relationship rather seriously, even if it's just because I have kind of high standards for a serious relationship. Do you talk a lot in person? Like.. full blow conversations, one on one?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 05 Apr 2009, 21:35
Anna I do not think I am that much of a pessimist but maybe I am just more jaded than I realize. Anyways, I think you should drop that dude, but I mean that is the last time I am going to say that, as you have clearly heard it enough for now.
Anyways, I don't know, how do you find the communication problematic? Is he disinterested, vacant? Is he self-conscious, awkward? Different symptoms may mean different things.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 05 Apr 2009, 22:12
Dear Internet,

Recently(roughly last weekend), I went to a party hosted by my (at the time)very good friends, we'll call them S and J. J and S are dating.

J picked me up to go to this party, and to buy some booze. He brought his friend, J2 along. J2 is recently single, and he is going to the party as well.

Now, typically S would pick me up, but she was out with a girl she had just met, named V.

After getting all the proper party supplies, J, J2, and I head to J's house. Once there, S and V show up, with V's 2 year old kid, who is promptly put to bed. Party begins, everybody drinks, smokes, etc.

V is new in town and doesn't really know anyone. This is my first time meeting her, J's second, and J2's first time as well. V gets very drunk/high at this party.

At many points in the night, J and S are snuggled up on the couch together, as are J2 and V. I am off to the side of the couches, on the computer, playing music for everybody and partisipating in very little conversation. I am enjoying myself.

At some point, we all go outside to smoke. V informs us all that when she gets high she tends to make out with things, and then points to me and says "you're first." I walk to the other side of the porch.

Later, I am laying on the sofa and V lays on top of me, puts her arm around me and attempts to take pictures. I wiggle free, and go outside to smoke.

Somehow one of my good friends being Jewish comes up, and V uses it to very loudly talk about how there are sooo many jews where she is from. I go back inside and lay on the couch again and start talking to S about everything that has been going on lately. V comes inside and interupts me to continue to loudly talk about all the Jews.

Basically, the party continued thusly. I had an alright time. I don't like V and was never outrightly mean to her. I just kept my interactions with her to a minimum.

Later the next day, I inform S that I don't like V. I never say anything bad about her. I just say "I don't like V, and I am sorry if that makes me a bad person." S then informs me of how I was such a cunt at the party and no one apperciated the way I acted, and ohmygod how dare I be so rude. S and I argue. I feel like I did nothing wrong and am offended that she thinks so. She thinks I am being a bitch and that obviously something is wrong with me for not like V because she is so sweet, and nice and such a wonderful person, not to mention a great mom. I tell S that I am done with the whole thing and want nothing to do with anyone.

Today, J, S's boyfriend, texts me asking if he and I are still on for Dante's(the local goth club*). He and I made plans to go during the party.

Should I go? Should I ask S for an apology? Should I let bygones be bygones? Should I be nice to V? Should I call V out? Should I talk to any of them? Was I being a bitch?


*He wants to go for a class, I want to go to meet people. I have two other circles of friends who hang out there. I've never been before. I know its silly. I'm not goth**. Neither is Coyote. Or Thursday. Or any of my other silly goth friends.


**one of my friend's once called me Gothic Betty Crocker.***

***I'm still not goth.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 05 Apr 2009, 23:16
Em we have only heard you say what made you mad. Is there anything you think you did that might have made you seem bitchy?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 05 Apr 2009, 23:29
I left the room when the girl would use the word Jew as an insult.

I wiggled free from the girl, and went to sit by myself, when she laid on me.

I was on the internet while the two couples cozied up with each other.

Honestly, I cannot think of anything that I did that was overly bitchy. The girl insulted me, I left the room. The girl basically sexually assualted me, I removed myself from the situation. Like I said, I never directly said anything mean to this girl. I told my friend that I don't like the girl because I don't want to create bad time by being around her.

S and J were my best friends. But I honestly don't think I can be friends with someone who thinks that what I did that night was wrong and what that girl did was ok.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jace on 05 Apr 2009, 23:37
Thing is, they may have seen your actions as being anti-social toward the new girl instead of being that you didn't like what she was doing. It is common high school thinking (not that they are in high school, but that sort of thinking is real fucking common until people are like 35). If this V girl was vocal about the fact that you did these things, it would only make it seem worse, and the V girl may think that you don't like her but not actually know why you don't like her. If you never tell someone that what they're doing upsets you, then they will keep doing it.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: LittleKey on 05 Apr 2009, 23:38
hmmm, I think you should go. It'd give you a good oppurtunity to talk to J about what happened in person and to see what he thinks about it. You definitely didn't do anything wrong. It's almost always best to talk about these things.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 05 Apr 2009, 23:50
Go probably. Bygones seems like the best approach, but it will probably not be that great of a solution.
People have startlingly varying interpretations of what's appropriate and what makes one a bitch. I don't think I'd be inclined to spend time with V, so I guess it depends how much you like S and if you think that's a relationship worth working on if you accept that he thinks V is alright.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 05 Apr 2009, 23:59
Pants, I am pretty sure that if I would have vocalized how I felt to that girl, then everybody really wouldn't have "apperciated" how I acted at that party. Everyone saw what was happening. I told J that I didn't like the girl during the party. But once again, it wasn't like "ohmyfuckinggodwhatabitch," it was like "J....I don't like V. She makes me uncomfortable. I am really sorry."

Littlekey, J doesn't think I am a bitch, and I don't think he was really aware of the arguement between S and I. I talked to him tonight and he said that he didn't think I was being a bitch.

I tried talking to S about all of this. Pre-arguement, and she is the one who turned it into an arguement. When I explained why I felt like I did, she responded with "emaline, stop being a drama queen. I'm done with this silly discussion, and am through talking about it." Because she fucking know she is wrong. And instead of acting like I did something wrong she should have stood up for me.

Basically, I'd really like an apology from S and I never want to see V again.

Am I being ridiculous?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: snalin on 06 Apr 2009, 03:43
It's probably not going to happen, since S seems to like V. Have you ever met V sober? She might be a nice girl who just drinks and smokes way too much and becomes a bitch when drunk/high. But still, you have every right not to want to hang out with her, I just think that if hanging out with S and J makes you happy, then trying a few more times would be the best for you?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 20 jazz funk greats on 06 Apr 2009, 10:14
Quote
not so much when we are apart and communicating through phone conversations/texting/facebook/etc?

What's "not so much?" Full on arguing? Lack of discussion? Lack of connection?

For me it just depends on how seriously I'm taking the relationship. If the other person has a hard time connecting to me when I'm not physically there, it's going to be a pretty big drawback if I'm taking the relationship rather seriously, even if it's just because I have kind of high standards for a serious relationship. Do you talk a lot in person? Like.. full blow conversations, one on one?

lack of discussion mostly! i feel like we are having the exact same conversation every single time we speak on the phone. which in turn makes me think that there might be a lack of connection. but then i start thinking that maybe our connection is fine and he is still the person that knows/understands me best, we just seem to have fallen into a bit of a routine and that is a thing that is common in many long term relationships.  arguments don't really happen but sometimes i am irratated with the repetitiveness and he can usually tell and then he'll offer to leave me alone but he does it in this really stupid way ie, saying "oh it's okay if you don't want to talk to me...no one does." whine whine bitch bitch i am so looooonely waaah.  we see each other about once or twice a week nowadays, and do spend more time talking than making out or whatever.  and our face to face conversations aren't awkward or anything.  in person he is cheerful, affectionate, and all sorts of good things. 

james,  i am finding it hard to take your advice seriously since you clearly have a massive internet crush on me and your opinions are slightly biased. hahah.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 06 Apr 2009, 10:29
Anna I gave up on crushes back when I drained away the last of what was 'good' in my heart. Now I just give bad advice and try to make the world a darker place.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 06 Apr 2009, 10:38
and then he'll offer to leave me alone but he does it in this really stupid way ie, saying "oh it's okay if you don't want to talk to me...no one does." whine whine bitch bitch i am so looooonely waaah. 


Oh man. I'd break up with dude in a heartbeat. Seriously, dude needs to grow a set, and stop being such a baby. God, how fucking annoying. If some dude said that to me, I'd laugh at him. And I know I am a heartless bitch, but come on. How old is he?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lines on 07 Apr 2009, 11:46
So the guy asked me if I wanted to get lunch again with him sometime this week, so I'm guessing I didn't bore the crap out of him on Saturday. This is good!
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Alex C on 07 Apr 2009, 11:54
Oh man. I'd break up with dude in a heartbeat.


Yeah, that. As a former constant whiner, I can say from experience that I didn't really become more tolerable until I acknowleded two things:
1. Everything isn't always about me.
2. Sometimes people have low self-esteem because they've earned it.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: öde on 09 Apr 2009, 02:48
If you've clearly explained why you were like that at the party and why you don't like V, S is being a complete douch, Em. Clearly you value your relationship with S or you wouldn't be so worried about it, but if you don't want to compromise how you feel about the situation, find better friends.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: valley_parade on 09 Apr 2009, 05:12
So the guy asked me if I wanted to get lunch again with him sometime this week, so I'm guessing I didn't bore the crap out of him on Saturday. This is good!

o/

When a cute girl texts you, asking if you want to go "fuck around" at the basketball court..does she mean it literally, or am I going to have my ass handed to me at basketball?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: pen on 09 Apr 2009, 05:13
You're going to get your ass handed to you.  Bring a band-aid for your pride?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: bbq on 09 Apr 2009, 05:23
So, I've been invited to a party by this girl. There's gonna be booze there anyways, but she told me to bring some more - so  we can sneeak off in the middle of the party and get more drunk together. Um, which is all fine and dandy with me, apart from one thing. I have to go to the lake district with my family on the day(s) that I think the party might be on. So, what do I do? Tell her I can't go to the party (which I had to do last time, and in which she ended up getting off with some guy all night), or cancel my family plans (which I didn't actually arrange or feel like doing in the first place)? If it makes any difference other people have also being asking me to do stuff on the days on which the lake district trip is planned.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Josefbugman on 09 Apr 2009, 05:28
Ask the family, if you have been spending a lot of time with them, they should be fine with you should be okay to stay behind for a day or so. Hell's I am sure there are trains to the lake district, you can just catch one of those up after you have had your fun with the girl.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jace on 09 Apr 2009, 05:38
Bros > Hos > family
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: bbq on 09 Apr 2009, 06:46
Well, it's more a me, my mum and sister going to the lake district to see cousins and grandparents. I'm just not sure how explosively my mum will react when I tell her I'd like to stay behind. But yeah, I'll see what they say. Thanks.

Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: axerton on 09 Apr 2009, 07:39
so guys, asking a girl (that you know in meat life) out via IM, dorky or not?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Josefbugman on 09 Apr 2009, 07:43
What is the problem with asking her out in meat life?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: axerton on 09 Apr 2009, 07:45
Cos I was talking to her about dating and that sort of thing and I figured what the hell
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Josefbugman on 09 Apr 2009, 07:48
how did she reply?

Also, would much prefer (and would probably go much better for you) if done in meat life.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: öde on 09 Apr 2009, 08:34
Asking someone out online because you can't do it in meat life is a problem, for other reasons it isn't.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Elizzybeth on 09 Apr 2009, 09:51
Having been asked out a fair number of times both via IM and in person (and having both accepted and rejected offers in both situations), I can say that for me it doesn't make much of a difference in terms of how I answer--except that it's a lot easier to say no over IM.  If you're the persuasive, persistent type, her having to deal with your pleading face could work in your favor.  Not to mention that if you ask her after a fun outing with you, she's got all those feel-good hormones running through her veins.  Manipulative?  Maybe.  I actually kind of like being given the distance and time to think about a tactful, text-based reply without the pressure having to keep a poker face and whatnot.

But I'm a dorky girl who only really dates dorky guys.  So the fact that being asked out over IM doesn't bother me is probably proof that it IS dorky.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Beren on 09 Apr 2009, 10:07
I find it's not particularly romantic, but it's probably not going to sway the person much either way.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jimmy the Squid on 09 Apr 2009, 11:43
It's no worse than asking someone out over the phone. Go for it.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lines on 09 Apr 2009, 16:11
o/

\o

I don't think it's that big of a deal at all, really, asking someone out over IM, phone, or text.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Liz on 09 Apr 2009, 16:28
RELATIONSHIP THREAD.

There is this boy that is cute and single and I wants him, precious. HOW DO I DO IT. HOW I MAKE HIM MINE.

Any help would be appreciated.

Thank you for your help.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lines on 09 Apr 2009, 16:42
You ask him out. It's easier than you think!
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Liz on 09 Apr 2009, 16:44
Noooo if it ends badly I will see him every week at STLF meetings. And that is no fun.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lines on 09 Apr 2009, 16:46
SACK UP.

Or wear a skirt or something cute/hot every time you know you will see him and flirt mad crazy with him. I don't know what else is more obvious (other than directly asking) other than being hit over the head with a sign saying, "DATE ME YOU SILLY BOY."
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: pen on 09 Apr 2009, 16:50
A lot of men are entirely oblivious.  He probably won't realize you're into him unless you tell him.  I had to kiss mine like 6 times before he got the hint.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Liz on 09 Apr 2009, 16:55
Well your man seems sillier than most. Just sayin'.

Okay, so the plan so far. Look HOT tonight and hit on him as much as possible. I should ask Brittany if she is available... BRITTANY, IF YOU ARE READING THIS, COME OUT TO THE AQUARIUM TONIGHT AND HELP ME GET THE CUTE BOY I POINTED OUT TO YOU AT MADONNARAMA.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Reed on 09 Apr 2009, 16:57
No, most of us really are that dumb. The few times a girl has pursued me I haven't realized she was doing it until her friend told me to to stop being such a jackass and kiss the woman.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lines on 09 Apr 2009, 17:00
I think I need to find a button that flashes "KISS ME" and wear it tomorrow.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Liz on 09 Apr 2009, 17:02
Fuck that, I need one of those for tonight. I need one so I can get kisses from this boy (in the argyle). (http://photos-f.ak.fbcdn.net/photos-ak-snc1/v2104/243/94/1310102261/n1310102261_30203053_971.jpg)

*le sigh*
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Reed on 09 Apr 2009, 17:08
oooh, he's dreamy!
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 09 Apr 2009, 17:41
I like the dude making the face better.


What does that say about me?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Liz on 09 Apr 2009, 17:45
Well he looks pretty cute too but I have not met him, so I cannot crush on him like I can crush on Argyle Boy.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: BrittanyMarie on 09 Apr 2009, 18:25
Nikki was like "I don't know man, is he hot? Cuz I can't help her hit on the dude if he's not hot" and I said "I GOT A PICTURE I GOT A PICTURE" and she said "haruahhsgh he IS hot. Tell her I approve". So, Liz, my roommate approves. She is hell of picky.

And Liz you're goin' dancing! If you dance with him, that should be pretty obvious I would think! Maybe?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 09 Apr 2009, 18:31
I've gone dancing with hella dudes that I'm not interested in. And I dance dirty. Dancing aint nothing but a thing.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: tommydski on 09 Apr 2009, 18:31
Dancing leads to fucking.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lines on 09 Apr 2009, 18:36
I think I've only danced with two boys. One was gay and the other was my best guy friend. I've also danced with many a girl.

I have had sex with none of these people.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Spluff on 09 Apr 2009, 18:41
Liz, that guy in the middle looks eerily familiar.

Wait a minute, I think I've got it.

(http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y66/Spluff/screamdude.jpg)
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Metope on 09 Apr 2009, 18:42
Oh my god that made me laugh so hard.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: tommydski on 09 Apr 2009, 18:45
Man, that flood must have hit Fargo really hard for those poor people to lose all of their clothes and be forced to don attire entirely donated by charity shops.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: ViolentDove on 09 Apr 2009, 23:18
No, most of us really are that dumb. The few times a girl has pursued me I haven't realized she was doing it until her friend told me to to stop being such a jackass and kiss the woman.

Reiterating this, 'cause it is true!

If you like a dude, let him know.

p.s. why would a girl send me a message all "hey dude are you out and about" and when I reply "yeah I'm at blah blah gig, what are you up to?" she's all "actually I'm just going home, see you another time."

What is up with that?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: tommydski on 09 Apr 2009, 23:22
She changed her mind (tons of reasons this could happen which have nothing to do with you) or she didn't feel like going to the gig because it didn't strike her fancy.

Could have been something as simple as not liking the venue, the band or her proximity to the place compared to where she was before.

Don't over-think it.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: ViolentDove on 09 Apr 2009, 23:24
Yeah, I suppose. I would've gone somewhere else if she'd asked, though. The gig wasn't very good, unfortunately. Ah well.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Gilead on 09 Apr 2009, 23:26
It is because of your hideous deformity Nick, I'm sorry.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: ViolentDove on 09 Apr 2009, 23:41
 :cry:
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Liz on 10 Apr 2009, 00:04
Mission: Get Cute Boy.

FAILED.

He spent the whole night all up on a very cute little Asian girl. Oh well.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Beren on 10 Apr 2009, 00:20
Goddamn those half-Japanese girls.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: IronOxide on 10 Apr 2009, 05:39
They do it to ya ev-er-y time.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: benji on 10 Apr 2009, 11:57
RE: guys being that dumb: yes, yes we are.

6 months ago, a friend of mine came to my birthday, very obviously flirted with me, and has hung out with me almost every week since, usually more then once a week. These days, just about everything I do is either "sweet" or "cute." We've both admitted to being attracted to each other, while keeping such feelings carefully in the past tense. We're both planning on going into ministry and two nights ago she told me I should read a book about 2 ministers who are married and how that relationship effects their ministry. And there's still this voice in my head that says "well, she probably doesn't really like me that much." This voice, stupid though it may be, gets louder and more insistent as my physical proximity to said woman increases.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Reed on 10 Apr 2009, 13:10
I'm considering asking my 'lady friend'/'girl I'm kinda dating'/'I have no fucking idea what to call us and I'd rather not stress about characterizing our relationship' on a double date to see a movie with my ex-girlfriend (who is my current best friend) and her boyfriend. Awkward, y/n?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lines on 10 Apr 2009, 13:38
Uh, if you never mention you dated, then no. If she knows you're best friends with your ex, maybe. That's just me, though.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Reed on 10 Apr 2009, 13:39
She does know that I'm friends with my ex. I just don't know how awkward it would be and if it would be too much to ask of her.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: benji on 10 Apr 2009, 13:58
It really depends on the personalities involved. My instinct is to say you should be on more solid footing with your current friend before you do this. Once you get to where you can actually call her your girlfriend, I would ask her in such a way that it gives her the ability to say no without consequence. I wouldn't call it a double date. I would say something more like, "hey, my friend [ex] and her boyfriend have invited us out for [whatever]. Would you like to go?"
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 10 Apr 2009, 18:12
OH THE REDHEAD SAID YOU SHRED THE CELLO
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 10 Apr 2009, 18:12
AND I'M JELLO, BABY
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: StaedlerMars on 10 Apr 2009, 19:19
that is brilliant.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Reed on 10 Apr 2009, 19:41
Well it doesn't matter because it turns out she was heading out of town anyways. I'm a little worried because I got a little drunk and texted her saying that I miss her a little bit. I hope she doesn't get creeped out and think I'm moving too fast or anything (I'm 24 and she's 20, so I'm a little worried about this anyways). I think I down played it enough, but at the same time I have absolutely no self-confidence and I don't want to come off as some needy little bitch who can't live without her.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 10 Apr 2009, 19:49
I ASKED HER TO GO TO THE GREENDAY CONCERT
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 10 Apr 2009, 19:50
SHE SAID SHE NEVER HEARD OF THEM
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: tommydski on 10 Apr 2009, 20:36
HOW COOL IS THAT?!
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 10 Apr 2009, 20:38
I know!
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 10 Apr 2009, 20:38
SO I WENT TO HER ROOM AND RED HER DIARRRRRRYYYYY
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 10 Apr 2009, 21:16
So wait, its weird to tell people you miss them?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 10 Apr 2009, 21:32
Dependence and affection are unattractive.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Josefbugman on 11 Apr 2009, 01:49
Only if you guys have never been close or if you parted on bad terms.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: nobo on 11 Apr 2009, 06:39
So wait, its weird to tell people you miss them?

No. I tell my gf that every day. We live about 1000 miles apart and won't get to live near each other for at least another year.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 11 Apr 2009, 07:24
I tell it to my best friend who lives in Chicago, and rarely to a friend who I feel super close to(because I trust him), but I don't think he cares much for me. And then it is usually after a stressful night, and him basically calming down and stopping me from crying, and I feel better and am all "man. We should hang out sometime." I realize that at this point in the night, he'd rather not hang out, but I still say it.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: MrBlu on 11 Apr 2009, 07:33
No, most of us really are that dumb. The few times a girl has pursued me I haven't realized she was doing it until her friend told me to to stop being such a jackass and kiss the woman.
Yeah, I've been in a situation like, 3 times (in a row) where a girl likes me and I don't realize it, until I mess things up with her.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 11 Apr 2009, 09:03
I wish I could get my head out of the sand.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 11 Apr 2009, 09:04
'cause I think we'd make a good team.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 11 Apr 2009, 09:10
And you would keep my fingernails clean.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Reed on 11 Apr 2009, 09:48
I'm worried about it because we really haven't spent that much time together and I don't want to come off as needy, overbearing or like I'm moving too fast.

Keep in mind that this is the first time I've actually pursued someone in 6 years, and I'm already prone to overthinking my actions. So essentially, I'm constantly seeing my actions as just another step towards sabotaging it.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 11 Apr 2009, 10:19
Well, have you heard back from her? If you are worried you are being too needy/on-strong, wait for a reply and don't text back for a little while. Be cool.

I have definitely been hanging after sending a 'miss you' text to someone when I was half thinking 'this text will probably make her not like me' and half thinking 'omygod she's so awesome and she put the moves on me'. It is a pretty shitty feeling but I guess it is just a drawback of a passive medium like sms.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 11 Apr 2009, 10:20
I mean


I THINK I'D BE GOOOOOOD FOR YOU
AND YOU
WOULD BE GOOOOOOD FOR MEEEEEE
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Reed on 11 Apr 2009, 10:24
No, I haven't heard back from her. I think you're right, I'll just try to not think about it and give it a little time.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 11 Apr 2009, 10:27
Texting/e-mailing is great because it is passive and non-confrontational, but it has the problem that if the person does not reply you can't easily follow up without losing your shot at being cool. It is an awkward limbo, but there is not much you can do. Just act like it ain't no dick.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 11 Apr 2009, 10:28
HELLO 
I'M HERE
I'M WAAAAIIIITINNNNNGGGG
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Reed on 11 Apr 2009, 10:32
I guess I'll just have to put some Cure on and mope my day away
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 11 Apr 2009, 10:39
WRONG CHOICE. GO OUT AND ENJOY THE SUNSHINE.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Reed on 11 Apr 2009, 10:51
(It's raining here)
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lines on 11 Apr 2009, 11:16
GO OUT AND ENJOY THE SUNSHINE.

THIS. I really want to do this, but no, I'm stuck at work for another 3 hours being bored and wondering why boy hasn't said anything. He had to cancel yesterday and said we'd do something this weekend, but as tomorrow is Easter, I think he means today.

I know why I prefer being single sometimes. I hate this "well, why not/what if/why why why" crap.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jace on 12 Apr 2009, 10:04
GO OUT AND ENJOY THE SUNSHINE.

I work nights. Sometimes I miss the sunshine.  :-(

Also, I've become very lazy at pursuing any sort of relationship. Until I don't work nights, its just not worth it. Nearly every other girl my age is not working overnight. They like to go out at night, not at like 3 in the afternoon, but not later than 10pm.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: ViolentDove on 12 Apr 2009, 15:25
There is a whole realm of girls in the hospitality industry who work at nights!

I just realised that sounds like I'm talking about prostitutes, but I was actually trying to refer to people who work at bars/clubs/restaurants.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jace on 13 Apr 2009, 00:48
I haven't found any of them that are
a) close to my age, within 3 or 4 years
b) not already in a relationship
c) anywhere.

Remember guys, I live in a silly country that doesn't let adults into bars until they turn 21, so I can't go out and meet girls in bars, clubs (there is only one club that lets people under 21 in, and it is a terrible place that only plays rap songs that are 5 years old), and pretty much all restaurants other than Dennys and Waffle House close at 11pm where I live.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: ViolentDove on 13 Apr 2009, 00:55
Oh right! Sorry... I forget about your silly laws sometimes.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 13 Apr 2009, 06:18
Man clearly they were not thinking of you when they called it the 'land of opportunity'.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Skibas_clavicle on 13 Apr 2009, 10:14
I am really uncomfortably attracted to a friend of mine and my boyfriend's. We've always had a very fun friendship dynamic and he is super excited about the fact that the bf and I finally got together. However, I've been into him on and off since we met and to be honest, I really like his personality most. I think he's just a really nice, decent dude, under the somewhat pretentious, but not douchebaggy, exterior. What makes me like a bajillion times more uncomfortable about this is the fact that my boyfriend made a joke last night about "how cute" he and I would look together and I just was like "oh man, I have never thought of _____ in that way! That's so ridiculous!"
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Dimmukane on 13 Apr 2009, 10:47
Right now I feel like I am in a situation where I am that guy (albeit probably less pretentious).  The bf, who is my best friend, is in Arizona for at least a year.  The girl, who I'm also really close to, has told me to refuse her if she tries to jump my bones, but that is going to be really hard.  I know I could keep that from happening, but I don't know if either of us wants to, and I really don't want to fuck up the unholy trinity that the three of us have.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 13 Apr 2009, 11:18
I wasn't really going to post this here but I guess in light of the last two posts I might as well.
Basically I slept with my best friend's girlfriend the other day. It was odd.

So I knew my friend had had open relationships before, but I wasn't sure if this one was open or not. It seemed like there had always been an attraction between her ladyfriend and I, and to cut out the details we had been drinking and were then making out. Shortly into that I was like 'uh hey um, so is this going to be OK with <your girlfriend/my good friend>' and she was like 'yes it will be OK I will talk to her tomorrow' which I took to mean it was OK. Apparently, the relationship was not actually open but due to some bizarre precedent some months ago she thought it would be OK. Also this women gave me all hells of an awful hickey.
Things seem to be OK now? Friend was upset but we had a long chat and I think things are OK. They are reasonable rational people and are sorting/have sorted their stuff out. I apologized for not checking with my friend first, I do not think she bears animosity my way now. I would hate to have messed things up for them but I think things will/have recover(ed).

I guess the point there is just to be clear with communication and comprehension of what the relationship situation is. Also if you think there may be problems avoid getting drunk together. I think the danger is not in getting so drunk that you'll get trashed and sleep together and only half-remember it and feel really awkward/weird about it, but that you'll drink enough that your brain will not apply rigorous reasoning and you will just think it is OK what could be wrong with this mmmm makeouts.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Dimmukane on 13 Apr 2009, 11:57
That's fine and all, but how would you deal with dogged persistence from the other party?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: redglasscurls on 13 Apr 2009, 12:02
Maybe not hang out with them alone:/
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Dimmukane on 13 Apr 2009, 12:09
But that would suck!

Regardless, she's going to be living farther away for a couple of months to finish school and won't visit often, maybe she'll be able to think things through a little bit.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 13 Apr 2009, 12:15
If she is persistent and that is beyond the parameters of the relationship, I suppose you ought to tell her that that's some bullshit you can't deal with. That is probably some tough advice to follow up on though.
Saying 'don't let me jump your bones' and then making advances is a pretty shit move to make on a friend.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: redglasscurls on 13 Apr 2009, 12:22
Yeah it's kind of a sneaky way of making anything that happens your fault instead of hers, at least in her mind.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Dimmukane on 13 Apr 2009, 12:31
She hasn't made any serious advances yet.  But I can tell she's having a hard time of it.  I'm hoping that she can work on that while she's away. 

But you're both right, I will have to communicate this to her at some point, I'm just irrationally afraid of the possible reactions I might get.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 13 Apr 2009, 12:45
It is a weird situation. My fear would be saying 'look we can't fool around OK' and she'd just act like it wasn't anything serious and she was just joking and man why'd you have to get like that whatever I was only foolin', making you look like the silly lonely single guy with a distorted perspective and her the attached friend who's been unjustly accosted.
So I can see why a person would want to avoid that conversation (I certainly would have). Just keep your wits about you and carry around a picture of lemonparty in your pocket so you can look at it in case of emergency.
I mean I guess having it in your pocket won't do you any good if your pants are off, but I guess if it's hit that stage you're kind of fucked anyways.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Dimmukane on 13 Apr 2009, 13:50
All that would do is make me laugh in what should be an awkward/serious moment.  I'll hit up rotten.com and see if I can find that picture of the dude whose organs barely fit in his skin.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 13 Apr 2009, 14:05
Man OK now I really hope you're just mackin' it with that lady and start giggling and then she's like 'why are you laughing' and then you just whip out the lemonparty picture and then everything goes really quiet and she looks you in the eyes for a second and then looks away and you don't catch each others eyes directly again save a few awkward quick-glance-away moments and then she straightens her shirt and leaves without a word.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: ackblom12 on 13 Apr 2009, 14:06
Or gets an excited look in her eyes...
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Dimmukane on 13 Apr 2009, 14:11
Knowing her, she'd be all like "What is that?  (pause)  What the hell?!  Where on earth do you find these things, Sean?  Here, let me go put it on the fridge..."


That's an idea, actually.  Whip these things out to distract her instead of myself.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jace on 13 Apr 2009, 23:38
Hey, fuckers getting play, send those girls my way. I have been the guy that the girl has cheated on her boyfriend with at least 3 times. I am never phased, but usually I don't know the person, so I'm okay with it. Also, I am sometimes a terrible person.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: MrBlu on 14 Apr 2009, 00:06
Congratulations. You're officially a member of G.O.D.S. (Guys On Di' Side).
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jace on 14 Apr 2009, 00:39
I mean, maybe I am a bad person, but I'm totally not above sleeping with a chick even if I know she has a boyfriend, fiancee, or husband. Like, unless he is my friend, what do I care if the girl is into me? I'm not going to actively go after girls who are taken, but if it happens, who am I to deny them? Its not like I'm constantly swimming in a sea of vag.

Eventually I'll have a relationship with a girl that lasts more than three months and I might figure out what is wrong with my above statement.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: MrBlu on 14 Apr 2009, 00:52
We have a group on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/group.php?gid=7712627121&ref=ts).
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: onewheelwizzard on 14 Apr 2009, 16:08
I've been in the "my best friends are in a relationship and there's a mutual attraction thing between me and one of them" situation before.

The first time it happened, I hooked up with the girl 2 weeks after she broke up with my best friend.  That was weird for a while but it blew over when we decided that it wasn't worth the drama and we needed to stop ... but then a couple months later I lost my virginity to her (by then my male friend had found reasons to stop caring so much about it and we're all still really incredibly close 4+ years later).  I handled that one really sloppily but I was still in high school at that point and it was the first time I'd been put in that situation and I feel like I could've done a lot worse.

It happened much more recently with a guy I went to Burning Man with and his girlfriend.  We were going to dance parties together pretty often and I was consistently getting urges to dance with her in a really physical fashion ... also, me and her would have really long and involved conversations about things that were really important to us (and we explained to each other that there was mutual attraction, in private, fairly early on).  It was a rather tense atmosphere for me at times and eventually I felt like I needed to get the issue out on the table as soon as possible.  It really, really helped.

Based on this I think the best thing to do, if you're in a position of having a really serious crush on a good friend who is in a relationship with someone who is also your good friend, is to get the two of them together and tell them what's up.  Basically you want to be as transparent as possible ... you want them to know the truth about how you feel about the person you're attracted to, but you also want them to know the truth about how you feel regarding your friendship with the two of them (specifically, that you'd like to keep it).  If you reveal ALL your motivations to them, they can at least feel safe knowing that you're not trying to be manipulative, and optimally, as your friends, they'll understand what's going on and respond in a way that makes things easier for you somehow.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Dimmukane on 19 Apr 2009, 16:15
Oh, I forgot...

Difficulty: the boyfriend (best friend) is in Arizona for at least a year, probably two.


In any case, I spent the night at her house last night.  We got drunk, but we just had a good time, nothing happened.  We put our feelings out in the open, so there's that.  But it doesn't seem to have improved the situation.  I'm fine with things for now (I've been single all my life, it's not gonna bother me that much to stay single a while longer), but she is now feeling more conflicted about this whole deal.  To make things worse, her boyfriend, while drunk, decided to call and ask her about doing a threesome with another friend of ours again (which I have the privilege burden? position of knowing everything about, despite not being there).  So she's now a little angry at him, for obvious reasons.  He apologized and all, but she is having a really hard time coping with her feelings, and I am feeling slightly guilty about putting her in this position.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 0bsessions on 19 Apr 2009, 18:00
Okay, so you guys are in your early twenties and he's moving away for like two years?

Okay, I'm generally pretty strict about relationships and stuff like that, but your friend is the one who needs to come here for advice and that advice is dump her fucking boyfriend. Unless they're outright engaged (Is she? I kind of stopped paying attention to my own thread, but you said boyfriend instead of fiance), she's pretty much wasting her youth right there. There's really no good reason this day and age to stick with someone 2,000 miles away unless you are absolutely, head over heels, take a bullet for them in love. This isn't even about the threesome thing, because it's a reasonably fair question, it's that she could be wasting a lot of time, that would be better spent enjoying herself, sitting talking on the phone with her boyfriend while not actually socializing.

I am loathe to say this, but I feel it would be completely acceptable on your part to make a move, BUT doing so might spoil your chances. If she continues to show interest in you while seeing problems pop up, ask her point blank if she plans to marry him. Don't add anything to it, just tell her it's something she should think on considering the imminent distance in their relationship.  Best case scenario is that she gets the point and realizes it's a good one and you've got some nookie in the wings. Worst case scenario (For you) is that she decides she wants to and they elope and you're still single, which at least gets your mind off the idea and takes the potential guilt out of the equation.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Dimmukane on 19 Apr 2009, 19:38
That's probably all moot, now.  She just told him...I don't know how he reacted but I have a feeling it did not go well.



FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.



Okay so I'm not implicated in this but this is still pretty much what we were trying to avoid.  Fucking hormones.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: onewheelwizzard on 19 Apr 2009, 21:50
OK here's the deal with long distance.

There is a lot to be said for monogamy.  However, one of the things about monogamy is that if you're going to hold someone responsible for not having sex with anyone but yourself, you need to hold yourself responsible for their sex drive or else you're putting them in an intractable position.  If you're unable to hold yourself responsible for their sex drive, as is the case if you're 2,000 miles away from them, then you have to back off the whole monogamy thing for a while or else the two of you are going to end up in an unfortunate situation (either because they sleep with someone else and you feel wronged, or because they don't and their quality of life goes down and brings the relationship down with it to some degree.  The exceptional case in which someone's quality of life does not diminish in the slightest from not having sex is relatively rare.)

If your friends want to stay on good terms, they're going to have to back off from monogamy a bit right now, basically no matter what.  They're both horny people (read: young) and their quality of life is almost definitely being impacted by not having any sex.  They have several choices:
-Lose touch gradually without ever "breaking up" and reconnect later when the opportunity arises (likely to lead to trouble but not the most terrible kind)
-"Break up" right now and decide not to keep in touch ("trouble" by definition, I suppose)
-Keep in touch, but try to stay monogamous (definitely going to cause stress, relationship is unlikely to survive)
-Keep in touch AND agree that it's OK if they see other people in their respective living situations (this requires less ego than they are likely to have, will probably cause some strife at some point, but is by far the most successful option if they pull it off.)

Now the whole thing about you being friends with both of them is a completely different can of worms, but either way, they should realize that they're going to have to experiment a bit with a looser relationship structure if they want to have one at all.

Since you've got ulterior motives, you might not be the best person to tell them all this, but maybe you can talk them into it, who knows?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: BrittanyMarie on 19 Apr 2009, 22:27
I would like some advice because I have no idea what to do about the situation.

My roommate (S) is also my cousin. Her and her twin sister (N) and I have been living together for about a year, and it's pretty good for the most part. Two months ago though, she got a boyfriend (T) who completely and totally sucks. Every time he comes over, he brings out the worst in me; I am judgmental about things I normally wouldn't give a shit about when he's around. (he's got a kid, he never graduated high school, works at a dollar store, he does drugs [normally I don't think I'd care but S uses it as an excuse for his assholery, and I didn't think X turned you into a lunatic, I thought it made you love everything])

He's a raging asshole. I'd understand maybe if it was to me or to my cousin who's not dating him, since he knows us and knows we don't like him, but for an example I'll tell you something he did to this own forum's Liz. We were at Women (the band) and afterward, Liz got their set list. T's friend M asks her if he can have it, she politely says no, sorry. T comes over and demands that Liz give his friend the set list because "he deserves it", Liz is like "um, sorry?" T says again "No really, you should give that set list to my friend because he deserves it more than you. He listens to them a LOT" Liz says, again, "No, sorry." and puts it in her back pocket. T grabs the list out of her pocket. Liz says "No really, please give that back." "Why, my friend DESERVES IT", replies T. Eventually he does give it back, after first crumpling it up. Okay, I know it's just a piece of paper but he didn't know her; he'd never met her before. He went and acted like a raging asshole for no reason to someone he's never met.

He has done many MANY other similar things. I'd love to just ignore them and hope they break up as soon as they can, but not only does she bring him over to the house constantly, but I'm pretty good friends with his band mate and in fact that's how he and S met, so I see T out at the bars sometimes. Friday night I found myself screaming at him about "I fucking know you're a douche bag, T, you don't have to keep proving it. I FUCKING GET IT"

S's parents know that N and I hate T. HATE HIM. They also know how S has lied to them in the past (a very major lie), but somehow S has convinced them (apparently) that N and I are jealous and that we both have a crush on T, when in fact we just hate him because he is a terrible terrible person. That's the part that makes me the most mad; is that she is straight lying to her parents about me specifically. It doesn't matter that I was with a dude I'd been with for a year and a half at the time I met her stupid boyfriend and beside the fact that I think he's totally unattractive (before I met him).

They have only been together two months and he has asked her to marry him. Luckily she said not yet. It has been two months and I feel like I am going crazy because of her stupid junior high style relationship (he is her first boyfriend).
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: BrittanyMarie on 19 Apr 2009, 22:31
Double posting because I wanted to make it more clear that the things I am judgmental over are not things that I normally have any moral issue with. If he was a nice guy with a kid, I would probably think it's cute. But I think it's the fact that he's a jerk who works at a dollar store who probably doesn't pay much in child support which seems irresponsible but again, normally I don't think I'd care AS MUCH as I do.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 19 Apr 2009, 22:50
Oh right! Sorry... I forget about your silly laws sometimes.


This post is so much funnier if you imagine the bear saying it.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Liz on 20 Apr 2009, 05:55
Brittany, if your cousin says yes to that douche, just let me know. I will come over and knock some sense into her, and maybe give him a little pounding for good measure.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Dimmukane on 20 Apr 2009, 06:57
-"Break up" right now and decide not to keep in touch ("trouble" by definition, I suppose)

This is what has more or less already happened, although I get the feeling it's not the last time they'll talk to each other.

-Keep in touch AND agree that it's OK if they see other people in their respective living situations (this requires less ego than they are likely to have, will probably cause some strife at some point, but is by far the most successful option if they pull it off.)

This is what she wanted at first, but he wouldn't have any of it.  Which is odd for him.  Several months before he left he would have been perfectly fine with this, they had broken up for all of two weeks earlier and he got over it quick (with yet another party whom everyone involved hates now), even though they did get back together.  I think if she had waited a few more weeks to spring this on him, the initial homesickness wouldn't be so overbearing and he'd understand.


I want them to have at least a friendly relationship, but I don't know how to repair it or if it's even a good idea.  I am also a little worried about him putting two and two together and being royally pissed off at me.  I can't do anything about that, but I might be able to do the first part.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: benji on 20 Apr 2009, 07:46
All I would say is proceed with care. It sounds like there's a lot of important relationships tangled in this.

Your friendship with him is obviously in jeopardy. This is true whether you get involved with her or not. Because you already have feelings for her, because she's your friend, and because she's there and he's not, you're going to probably have a tendency to take her "side." If he's a good friend of yours, you probably owe it to him to be honest if anything happens. If anything does happen, make it clear that it didn't happen until after they broke up. If you still value his friendship, make sure you tell him so.

Your friendship with her is also in jeopardy. Your attraction to each other might be very real, but it might also not be wise to become her rebound if you want to have a continuing friendship. There's a danger that she might come to feel that you took advantage of a vulnerable time for her, or that you might come to feel that she used you to get over her boyfriend. This often happens at the end of rebound relationships, and that's natural, but it's not the kind of thing you usually want between friends.

If you are going to pursue her now that she is single, I think that could be very good and healthy. The strongest relationships of my life have all grown out of close friendships, and I think it's a wonderful place to start from. But go slowly and recognize that you might have to decide at some point whether the friendship is more important then the romantic relationship. You might also have to decide whether your friendship with him is more important then the romantic relationship.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Dimmukane on 20 Apr 2009, 08:06
That basically sums up everything that's going through my mind right now.  I see all the problems that could arise if I don't handle this correctly, so much so that I'm very nervous about moving forward in any direction.  But everyone's responses have been a great help.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Coffee_Kaioken on 20 Apr 2009, 16:31
jens whatever you do, please please please do not buy any books claiming they will teach you what women really want or how to get any lady you want and thus improve your confidence vastly.  they offer horrible advice, and i am convinced that every guy who actually takes them seriously ends up turning into a huge dick.

honestly you'd be better off asking us internet people because some of us actually know what we're talking about. hobbies are good. having them implies you are interesting and independent and that's an attractive quality.

Various months later, (okay maybe two), I skim through the first page and find this very agreeable.

Those books (especially, especially e-books about how girls size you up in the first 5 minutes of talking to you, look to see if your belt and shoes don't match, eye you up and down and make a judgement about you in 3 seconds the moment you walk in the door), actually end up lowering your confidence at times. They give you a lot to fear. They suck you in with some enticing advertisements that attack, if not do the worse thing and CREATE, insecurities, claim that you're missing out on a lot of secrets that women keep in "the game", and how you will end up being cheated on if you do not BUYYYYYY their material.

If you're into getting laid and trying to get some action, it may work. But if you're a romantic and want a long lasting relationship with someone you can get close to, develop an understanding with, and overall just attach to overtime, it's.... not your best option.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Ballard on 20 Apr 2009, 16:37
If any internet lady is willing to contribute her thoughts, I could totally subscribe to this.

Every time I naively think I have this even a little figured out, I get my deserved reality slap in the face.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Dazed on 20 Apr 2009, 16:56
Hey thread,

So, I have decided to break up with my girlfriend. What I need is advice on when to do this, see, she is in kind of an iffy place right now already; her grandmother is dying, and she's busy with a play she's choreographing and such. Basically, I'm trying not to be a dick and drop this on her along with everything else, but am I leading her on by waiting until things are a little less hectic? Should I just get it over with?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Ballard on 20 Apr 2009, 17:27
I mean honestly, breaking up is breaking up. Often you will be a dick and be dropping this on her along with everything else. You just have to accept that if you're unhappy enough to consider a break-up.

As a general rule, don't be a martyr. Selflessness is a great quality but too often in relationships people martyr themselves under the guise of selflessness (and they may even be convinced that their intentions are pure) but really they just expect something back or enjoy feeling like the better person. It's a needy, emotionally unstable thing to do. I understand your need to "protect" her, but essentially you're just protecting her from you breaking up with her later, when she's more attached to you. This will only cause you both more pain in the long run.

If she's genuinely unstable right now and you think your breaking up with her could traumatize her or cause irreparable emotional or physical harm, tread carefully. If you're just afraid of doing it, take the plunge and don't look back.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 0bsessions on 20 Apr 2009, 19:08
I feel I have to add on to Gene's point. If you wait until things settle down for her, it's going to make it so much worse later. If you stick with her through this trying time, she's probably going to only develop deeper feelings for you. It's going to feel like an incredibly selfish thing to do, but it'll only hurt worse later.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: nobo on 20 Apr 2009, 19:40
Every time I naively think I have this even a little figured out, I get my deserved reality slap in the face.

I'm not an internet lady but I can tell you how I go about it. Women are just human beings. They have wants, desires, doubts, fears, just like you. Treat them with kindness and respect, and you will usually make a friend. And I have found that a relationship based on a friendship usually lasts longer and is more meaningful than just chasing a girl that you find attractive.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 20 Apr 2009, 20:37
Continuing on the 'dump her now' trend, the people I've known in this situation before aren't always concerned about being nice to this person but about being a good person, which I often read in them to mean 'I'll feel bad if I do this now' and not 'it is the clearly morally superior option to stick through this for now'. Also they have been afraid of confrontation.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Ballard on 20 Apr 2009, 20:47
Fear of confrontation is a pretty big part of the thought process of someone who is considering breaking up with their partner.

Last year, after breaking off an intense, long-term relationship, I innocently rebounded with a nice girl. After a few weeks, I began to realize my mistake and I felt anxious and trapped and unwilling. Still, it took so much convincing from people who know me best to finally get me do it. I would have taken any excuse to avoid having to break up with someone again so soon. It's incredibly emotionally draining.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 0bsessions on 20 Apr 2009, 21:38
In my early goings, I was always the dumpee or a it was a mutual thing, I technically never dumped anyone until I was nineteen. Unfortunately, the first girl I ever came to the conclusion I didn't want to be with her was sixteen (Yes, I was creepy McCreepshow just like Patrick), and that made it doubly hard. This girl was, by her understanding, head over heels in love with me. I was very aware that I was not, however, in love with her. I should've broken up with her the second she said it. Instead, I put it off for weeks as she grew more and more attached and started getting really creepy and stepping over many lines (Like trying to co-opt traditions I had with an ex she knew I wasn't entirely over) toward my birthday. When I finally broke up with her, she committed herself and then started calling me at work daily threatening to kill herself as soon as she got out. Note, not much was seriously wrong with her; she was just an insane and slightly unbalanced drama queen.

This all would've been avoided had I actually done the sensible thing and NOT continued dating someone I knew I wasn't that into, but was clearly into me.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Ballard on 20 Apr 2009, 21:43
Well shit Jon don't scare the guy.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 0bsessions on 20 Apr 2009, 21:44
Scared straight, yo.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jace on 21 Apr 2009, 00:39
Every time I naively think I have this even a little figured out, I get my deserved reality slap in the face.

I'm not an internet lady but I can tell you how I go about it. Women are just human beings. They have wants, desires, doubts, fears, just like you. Treat them with kindness and respect, and you will usually make a friend. And I have found that a relationship based on a friendship usually lasts longer and is more meaningful than just chasing a girl that you find attractive.

There is an important thing that a lot of guys I know in real life don't remember.
Women are actual people, not just a couple wet holes to put your dick in. This is something that eludes quite a few males.
Now, this isn't to say that you can't hook up with someone. I am in a situation where I find a woman attractive physically, but I don't really like her political views, choices she made in the past, and her general thought on racism (she is a bit racist), but she's really fuckin hot, and she finds me attractive too.
A relationship would not work between us, but both of us like sex.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: nobo on 21 Apr 2009, 04:25

There is an important thing that a lot of guys I know in real life don't remember.
Women are actual people, not just a couple wet holes to put your dick in.

I think it goes both ways, you have to treat women like equals. Which means you can't treat them like wet holes, but you also can't sit there and worship them and jump at their every whim, thats probably the quickest way to get them to lose interest.

Also, being a gentlemen should be standard, not just to her but to all the girls in your life. When the one you're trying to impress sees how you treat others, she knows how good you will treat her.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jace on 21 Apr 2009, 05:48
Yeah, I try to be a pretty nice guy to everyone that I meet. Guys, lets just watch this video: Just a Nice Guy. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZrnK-qPARYI&feature=PlayList&p=30553DA912FF3742&index=0&playnext=1) It pretty much explains shit.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Coffee_Kaioken on 21 Apr 2009, 06:56
Ahh, WongFu Productions.

I saw that 3-part series vid a while ago.

I don't think it's too ACCURATE, but it is still nice to watch.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Gilead on 21 Apr 2009, 07:04
I tried to watch that video but then my eyes started rolling at such a high speed they made a high pitched whirring noise.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: benji on 21 Apr 2009, 07:33
Also, being a gentlemen should be standard, not just to her but to all the girls in your life. When the one you're trying to impress sees how you treat others, she knows how good you will treat her.

You have to be careful with this. It really depends on the woman and on what you mean by being a gentlemen. Plenty of the women I know do not want to have doors held for them when they are perfectly capable of opening the door for themselves. My girlfriend (I guess I can actually call her that now) is happy if I pay for dinner, but only if I agree that she pays next time. A lot of the classic "gentlemanly" things grew out of a time when women were regarded as week and in need of protection. Many women are very aware of that and prefer to be approached on a more equal footing.

Now, if all your talking about it etiquette and courtesy, then you should be showing that to everyone regardless of what's between their legs.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: axerton on 21 Apr 2009, 08:07
I tried to watch that video but then my eyes started rolling at such a high speed they made a high pitched whirring noise.

I struggled through until he was to much of a prat to say no to his friend having just been asked out - seriously anyone who is that nice a person should be removed from the gene pool for their lack of killer instinct.

I have on multiple occasions been branded a "Nice Guy." This makes absolutely no sense to me as I have also been declared to be (not by the same people) a 'serial flirt' - a title I take somewhat more pride in than the former. I Also have a more gutter prone mind than anyone I know. Admittedly to an extent I still believe in chivalry and am a romantic in the sense that I don't do one night stands or meaningless sex. I wouldn't have thought that these ingredients all mixed together result in a Nice Guy but apparently....
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Josefbugman on 21 Apr 2009, 10:13
The problem with being "nice" is that its too often mistaken for "boring". People don't want to be bored (for the most part) and so try and go with someone who seems interesting and exciting. Usually these are "bad boys" who are anything except boring, they usually have charisma, and are usually at least slightly fun to look at. "Nice" does not bring to mind excitement, or fun or even intimacy, it simply implies doiles and wet afternoons spent with distant relatives where everyone goes 'well... isn't this nice'. The worse problem is that people who try and cultivate the image of the nice guy, being polite and considerate whilst deep down being scared and lonely and desperate for some sort of validiction of there sad lonely lives.

Thats not to say bad boys are any better (they are frequently worse) but its just to give a brief idea of why being nice isn't always a good thing.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Alex C on 21 Apr 2009, 11:48
Being nice is virtually always a good thing. It's just that as you say being nice isn't enough all on its own. Too many idiots seem to think that being nice in and of itself entitles them to ladies. Sorry, but all other things things being equal, people are going to go with the person who is also successful, engaging and has interesting things going on in their life. Keep in mind that I'm not just defining "successful" as "having money" here, I'm defining it more as the ability to make goals and achieve them. Even if your goal is backpacking across the country and meeting new people despite being flat broke, it will still make you far more interesting than a guy who is just kinda aimless but "pretty nice." My success with ladies is pretty much directly proportional to how much energy and passion I have for the things I have going on in my life in general. It's great to be nice, but it shouldn't be the only damned thing on your dating resume.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: benji on 21 Apr 2009, 11:57
Also, and it's amazing how often this has to be pointed out, being nice in order to get girls isn't really being nice.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lines on 21 Apr 2009, 16:54
I like nice boys who are sarcastic. It's like being a bad boy minus the bit where they're an asshole.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: nobo on 21 Apr 2009, 17:00
how bout a boy that generally a bad boy but is nice pretty much only to you?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: BrittanyMarie on 21 Apr 2009, 17:04
That's just worse! I'd rather have a bad boy who is a bad boy to everyone than having to constantly justify bad boy's actions. I get really uncomfortable when people are jerks to people I like, but I don't care if it's to me.

(having said that, I do like nice boys because I don't think they're boring and also sometimes they'll randomly give you an awesome record because you casually mentioned it once, that is way better than a bad boy)
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: onewheelwizzard on 21 Apr 2009, 17:30
As far as I can see it, the most common form of "nice guy" syndrome tends to revolve around how transparent a guy is with his expression of sexual desire.  On the one hand we have the "jerks" who are always making their sexual desire the most prominent aspect of their interaction (and the motivation behind their actions), and they are "jerks" because they sacrifice respect for women in the name of getting laid.  On the other, we have "nice guys" who are rarely making their sexual desires known in interactions with women, and tend to bristle at the idea that sex is a prime motivation behind their actions, and they consider themselves "nice" because they sacrifice their own sexual expression in the name of respecting women.

The problem is that there is nothing inherently polite or respectful about hiding the fact that you want to have sex with someone.  Obviously it is rather rude in most cases to reveal and express sexual desire whenever you experience it, but there is nothing disrespectful about having sexually-charged intentions in a friendship.  And if you want to connect to someone you know on a sexual level, the best way to do it is to reveal that desire to them in a respectful fashion (instead of sitting on it and hoping they'll pick up on it and make some kind of move on you before you break down and give them a long and involved explanation of your feelings that makes you look significantly more pathetic and preoccupied than you probably really are as a person).

"Nice guys," as I understand the term, are guys who assume that "respecting women" means holding back their sexual desires and offering emotional support at every opportunity.  It's a terrible curse, really, and one that any sensible man should divest himself of rapidly.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lines on 21 Apr 2009, 18:56
I don't see it that way. I see nice guys as guys who are just outwardly polite, think of others, and are generally awesome. I know nice guys who are still verbal about their sexuality, but they aren't condescending, creepy, etc. about it. Basically the ones who make you uncomfortable about sex are not nice, but you can still be a nice guy and talk about sex.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: nobo on 21 Apr 2009, 19:32
See, here is the thing. If someone you aren't attracted to, but is a nice guy, brings up the fact that he wants to have sex with you... isn't that creepy? especially if you consider him just a friend?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: BrittanyMarie on 21 Apr 2009, 19:39
It depends; I'd want them to be honest about it right away, but in an "I like you" as opposed to "I'd like to fuck you" kind of way.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: onewheelwizzard on 21 Apr 2009, 19:42
See, here is the thing. If someone you aren't attracted to, but is a nice guy, brings up the fact that he wants to have sex with you... isn't that creepy? especially if you consider him just a friend?

Only if you don't like the idea of saying no to someone you don't want to say yes to.  If you're OK with saying no, you just say "thanks but no thanks" and continue on being as comfortable as you were earlier.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: ViolentDove on 21 Apr 2009, 20:21
You have to be careful with this. It really depends on the woman and on what you mean by being a gentlemen. Plenty of the women I know do not want to have doors held for them when they are perfectly capable of opening the door for themselves. My girlfriend (I guess I can actually call her that now) is happy if I pay for dinner, but only if I agree that she pays next time. A lot of the classic "gentlemanly" things grew out of a time when women were regarded as week and in need of protection. Many women are very aware of that and prefer to be approached on a more equal footing.

Now, if all your talking about it etiquette and courtesy, then you should be showing that to everyone regardless of what's between their legs.

See, I hold a door open for anyone just behind me no matter what sex they are. Letting a door close in someone's face is rude.

Also, I don't tend to let my female friends walk home alone through dodgy parts of the city if I can help it. Not sure if this would be considered a sexist thing, but I'm not about to stop doing it. 
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Yunior on 21 Apr 2009, 20:33
Hey, I am dating a nice boy and it is going okay!

Except he does not know how to dress himself, really.

Point being: nice boys can be nice, but also smart, funny, charming, sexy, interesting, and sweet. And plenty of other adjectives aside from nice. Actually, all I have concluded from this little tangent you boys are having is that you don't mind being nice, it is just the label that throws you a bit.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Yunior on 21 Apr 2009, 20:36
Also, I find most bad boys are basically totally vapid and/or totally bourgeois. I dunno what most girls are into, but I generally try to avoid both.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Alex C on 21 Apr 2009, 22:32
I really do think it just comes down to people trying to save face by disparaging those who dump them. I've seen guys blame women for being dumb and only going after rich abusive assholes and I've seen women blame men for being stupid superficial pigs. Once or twice it's been fairly accurate but most of the time it's just people going abla bla bloo when it turned out the connection wasn't as strong as they thought it was. Most of the time "Nice" just happens to be an innocent bystander that gets trotted out when the dumper tries to let the dumpee down easy. I'd like to start a clarity in dumping initiative, but I don't think the girl I'm rapidly losing interest in would take "You're taking the fun out of sex" and "You're the most stubborn person I have ever dated" very well. I hate to say it, but it sounds like the conversation will start like this: "You're a nice person but..."
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Ballard on 21 Apr 2009, 23:52
The last time I broke up with a girl I told her it was entirely because I had unwittingly rebounded and just wasn't ready to be in a relationship again without feeling anxious and trapped. In reality this was about 45% of the reason I broke up with her, the other 55% being that she was insufferably shallow, frustratingly boring, and had very little to offer as far as intellectual and emotional stimulation goes. There was also very little in the way of romance and the sex was not very good.

It's been seven months and she is still clinging on hoping that someday I'll be ready to get back together with her (I broke up with her twice; the first time she convinced me to give it another chance after a single day and I, being completely emotionally drained at the time, agreed). Next time, I think I'm just going to tell the truth.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jace on 22 Apr 2009, 01:45
So, I'm not a nice guy because I want to get laid. I'm a nice guy because it's the right thing to do.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 0bsessions on 22 Apr 2009, 07:14
Do you see the obvious mistake you made, Gene?

Never, ever, ever, EVER use "I was rebounding and I'm not ready for a relationship" as your given rationale for breaking up with someone. It will lead the other individual to think "well, maybe given time they'll come around." You need to be vaguely gentle, but honest and forthright about the fact it's not going to work out and leave the "rebound" out of it entirely. I've both held this mentality and dealt with a girl developing this mentality in my life and it's not pretty on either end. I mean, sure, you're making it relatively amicable sometimes, but most instances where it ends up amicable eventually becomes a situation where you're leaving someone hanging on to a false hope.

Note that being upfront about not being ready for a relationship IS something you should do if you actually like someone. I told Rachel right off the bat I wasn't ready, though it was months before I told her why, but I have to assume the fact I gave her modest expectations didn't hurt matters much all things considered. You just can't use it as a rationale for letting someone down easy, as it almost never works.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Ballard on 22 Apr 2009, 08:03
I mean, it was true. I couldn't go outside and see pretty people without thinking "oh shit I am missing out". It had been barely a month since I broke up with my last girlfriend (a relationship that had lasted 9 months) and I was upfront with this new girl that I wasn't ready for a serious commitment. And yet, somehow, out of some stupid sense of altruism, I agreed to a relationship anyway.

Suffice it to say, I learned a lot of lessons in a short period of time last fall.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jace on 22 Apr 2009, 08:13
Man, fuck you guys and your long term relationships.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: WriterofAllWrongs on 22 Apr 2009, 08:33
I don't see it that way. I see nice guys as guys who are just outwardly polite, think of others, and are generally awesome. I know nice guys who are still verbal about their sexuality, but they aren't condescending, creepy, etc. about it. Basically the ones who make you uncomfortable about sex are not nice, but you can still be a nice guy and talk about sex.

This is probably because sarcasm and candidness is charming.  If a person feels comfortable enough to talk to you in a way they want to, but at the same time a way that is friendly and clever, then you naturally warm up to them because it seems like knowing them is easy.  No one likes an asshole, but a nice dick always seems to be welcome from what I can see.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jace on 22 Apr 2009, 08:41
but a nice dick always seems to be welcome from what I can see.

I think you want the sexual frustration thread.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Dazed on 22 Apr 2009, 12:52
So, I broke up with the girl. It was awkward and shitty, and she didn't take it very well, but that was pretty much inevitable. Thanks for the counsel, relationship thread.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Josefbugman on 22 Apr 2009, 17:17
Just wondering, how can you tell if a relationship has the potential for a sexual element? As in are there common signs or is it just something you know, because apparently people have been attracted to me in the before now but I have completly missed it, and its getting more and more common, any advice guys?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 22 Apr 2009, 18:15
stick it in her pooper  8-)
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 0bsessions on 22 Apr 2009, 18:27
Just wondering, how can you tell if a relationship has the potential for a sexual element?

When she lets you stick your dick in her.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 22 Apr 2009, 18:43
Yeah it is kind of difficult to figure out when someone is interested in you. This used to be a massive source of stress in my life until I assumed some measure of worth in myself (like, not trying to dig at anybody with low self esteem, I used to have absolute shit self-image and assumed no one liked me is all) and then it became all kinds of fun and interesting trying to figure out and flirting/chatting with people and if someone is not into you then whatever, that is life, and you are not a bad person for assuming that someone might be in to you.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: KvP on 22 Apr 2009, 18:55
I like nice boys who are sarcastic. It's like being a bad boy minus the bit where they're an asshole.
Oh that's nice.

how bout a boy that generally a bad boy but is nice pretty much only to you?
Dan Savage wrote about this yesterday!
Quote from: Dan "the man" Savage
people who are romantically involved with assholes come in for a higher degree of scrutiny. A person with an asshole friend is regarded as tolerant and/or indulgent and/or foolish. But a person with an asshole boyfriend is viewed as having a character flaw. Or several: lousy taste in men, the wrong kind of masochistic streak, low self-esteem, abuse issues, etc.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Avec on 22 Apr 2009, 19:12
Basically the ones who make you uncomfortable about sex are not nice, but you can still be a nice guy and talk about sex.

There's a huge difference between making an awkward situation between someone you consider attractive or you actually like, and a person who almost deserves it, whether it's in the form of a friendly joke or obscurely telling someone to fuck off; while this is self explanotory, but I do ocassionaly fuck, in a verbal sense, with people who are so oblivious to sex. As clichť as it is, you know at least one person who's just clueless and shy. In my case, there's a girl who's still prude, I make a habit of asking her things I normally don't ask girls, but she laughs and punches me. I suppose it's different when you're older though.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lise on 27 Apr 2009, 10:17
Hey guys, I need your help again!  :| So despite all the advice I received a couple pages back about dropping the emotionally unavailable dude I've been "seeing" for over a year, I continued to do so anyway against better judgment. Even though he's made it clear that he doesn't want a relationship, we still enjoy each other's company... so I have the feeling that we're both using each other out of convenience.

I still beat myself up because I think I handled confronting him about our relationship improperly. I tried my hardest to avoid using the words "We have to talk..." or bringing up "the talk" while drunk and emotional, but I did both. It is also difficult to move on even though I have options (being single or pursuing this new guy I met recently) because I'm selfish/cowardly. I hate to see him go, but I'm also aware that I'm missing out by sticking around.

So I've been hanging out with this new guy (who I met, ironically enough, off the internets!), and I feel guilty about being attracted to him, since I'm still technically with the old guy. Also, it's a longshot to say that things would work out any differently with a new guy... should I even be considering it? Cheating is not an option for me EVER, even if the guy I'm seeing is a bum. A female friend of mine suggested that I go ahead and makeout with the new guy and ask questions later, but that doesn't sound like a fantastic idea to me...  :-P. What's the advice for me, guys?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 27 Apr 2009, 10:43
Wait. What?

Aren't you the girl who was dicking around with a dude, but he wasn't emotionally there, and you guys weren't actually dating, thus the need to have "the talk"?

You aren't technically with anyone, darling. You are technically single.

So go make out with this dude! And ditch the emotionally unavailable dude.

(But don't really just start making out with the new guy. Start off slow, and let him know you are interested, but not by saying "I want to sleep with you and hope you will like me and be emotionally available to me." Infact, build up a decent emotional relationship, then fuck him.*)


*this is my take on relationships lately. I've been wanting to try it(as opposed to fucking everything and seeing what stays around), and see if it works. Is this doing it right?



Also, recently I went to a show with a dude. Dude was rude and annoying and ditched me after the first band. Now dude won't stop texting me. All weekend he texted me. I responded to maybe two with really short one word answers. He keeps texting me today. I've resonded to one. He just sent me another saying that he was eating. WTF I do not care if you are eating! How do I get rid of this dude with out pissing him off?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Scandanavian War Machine on 27 Apr 2009, 10:44
kill him?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Ballard on 27 Apr 2009, 10:50
Tell him straight up that he was rude, annoying, and you're not interested in seeing him again?

why do people think this is complicated
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Tyler on 27 Apr 2009, 10:50
Stop worrying. Just do what you want to, and be clear about what you are doing with who you are doing it with.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 27 Apr 2009, 10:52
How do I get rid of this dude with out pissing him off?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Tyler on 27 Apr 2009, 10:54
See someone else.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lines on 27 Apr 2009, 10:57
Lise, this guy is obviously bringing you down, so just cut him off. You may enjoy his company when you're with him, but it's not really fair to you. And if you're feeling things for new guy, go for it. I agree with Emaline, technically, I don't see how you're in a relationship with dude-that-is-a-drag.

Emaline - Ask him why he ditched you and now sees the reason to tell you every little thing about his life.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: redglasscurls on 27 Apr 2009, 10:58
Emaline- What are the risks involved in pissing him off? Is he a particularly easily angered person?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: benji on 27 Apr 2009, 11:11
Lise, just tell emotionally unavailable guy that you've enjoyed your time together but you're looking for a committed, emotional relationship, which isn't something he wants. Then go ask the new guy out. If the new guy also turns out to be emotionally unavailable, you've got to ask yourself why you're drawn to men that can't give you what you want out of a relationship.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 27 Apr 2009, 11:20
I am drawn to emotionally unavailable men because they don't add more drama to my life, and are there to scold me for being childish. These are things I like.

But I also don't mind just fucking a dude.



Anyway, I don't want to piss him off because, other than ditching me, he seemed like he really liked me and I don't want to hurt him,and I know what its like to really like someone who doesn't care for you, and for them to be blunt with you. It really stings. So, because I am pretty fucked up, I would rather not hurt the dude and just make him go away.

Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: redglasscurls on 27 Apr 2009, 11:22
Ok, so you are more trying not to hurt him than not piss him off. Just be friends speech time?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Scandanavian War Machine on 27 Apr 2009, 11:27
i'd rather get a kick in the balls and a slap in the face than the fucking friends speech.

maybe that's just me though, i don't know.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: redglasscurls on 27 Apr 2009, 11:29
Seriously? I feel like it would be better to know that she is just not interested in you that way but thinks you're an alright dude instead of getting violently rejected and leaving you wondering what on earth you managed to do to deserve that.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Tyler on 27 Apr 2009, 11:32
I would much rather get the friend speech than to be kicked in the crotch. Being kicked in the crotch has to be one of the more atrocious pains I have experienced in my life. I appreciate hyperbole and all, but no. Just no. I would not associate having someone I went on a date thing with once explaining that it didn't really suit their fancy with stabbing and radiating agony in my testicles. On that note, I would skip the friends thing, and just say you're not interested. That is it. Done.

Seriously, there is a whole lot of pussyfooting around shit in this threat, and it is almost always more effective to be direct about shit.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Scandanavian War Machine on 27 Apr 2009, 11:37
Seriously? I feel like it would be better to know that she is just not interested in you that way but thinks you're an alright dude instead of getting violently rejected and leaving you wondering what on earth you managed to do to deserve that.

well, when literally every single girl you have ever expressed interest in in your entire life (believe it or not, this is not hyperbole) has given you the friend speech, it gets to the point where you would prefer almost anything over hearing that shit again.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Trollstormur on 27 Apr 2009, 11:37
THIS THREAD IS HEREBY ON NOTICE


I have been informed that the quality of posts in this thread are lacking. Put some thought into your posts or this thread is goin' bye bye.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 27 Apr 2009, 11:49
Seriously? I feel like it would be better to know that she is just not interested in you that way but thinks you're an alright dude instead of getting violently rejected and leaving you wondering what on earth you managed to do to deserve that.

well, when literally every single girl you have ever expressed interest in in your entire life (believe it or not, this is not hyperbole) has given you the friend speech, it gets to the point where you would prefer almost anything over hearing that shit again.

Yeah, the friend speech can feel pretty fuckin' awful if you've had it a few times. Not saying it's a bad thing on principle, I mean, it's a bad situation flat-out, but that friend speech is pretty damn infuriatin' you need more than half the fingers of one hand to count how many times it's happened.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: redglasscurls on 27 Apr 2009, 11:51
I have to say that never occurred to me... I've only had to give the just friends speech once, now I'm hoping he wouldn't have preferred a kick in the nuts.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 27 Apr 2009, 11:54
Don't worry about it; really it's a messy situation when one party is interested and the other isn't and there's no clean way to get away from it. Just because someone would rather a kick in the nuts doesn't mean they'd enjoy it.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: redglasscurls on 27 Apr 2009, 12:04
Honestly he really deserved the nut kick- he had started sending me phone pictures of his erect dick and I barely knew him.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 27 Apr 2009, 12:10
See that is not 'just friends' talk that is 'just WAIT WHAT DUUUUUDE LIKE WHOA DON'T FUCKIN' DO THAT SHIT MAN' talk.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Joseph on 27 Apr 2009, 12:26
That's around the point where I'd try to cut off all contact and talking entirely.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Ozymandias on 27 Apr 2009, 12:31
That is a terrible use of the 'just friends' talk.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: redglasscurls on 27 Apr 2009, 12:37
I was not trying to make an enemy of someone creepy enough to send dickpix!
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: benji on 27 Apr 2009, 12:44
Relationship thread, it's just not working out. I mean, you're going to be locked soon, and I've got a lot going on in my life right now. Plus, I've met someone else. She's really cool. I think you'd like her. But I still really value our friendship, and I totally want to keep in touch. Well I guess that's all I have to say for now relationship thread. I'm really sorry about this, and I really do want to try to be friends. I've got to go now because I'm meeting that other girl for coffee.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: frullic on 27 Apr 2009, 12:52
hey, I kinda like this really sweet and cute girl in my class. I'm a shyguy and she's kinda crazy (hanners is barely an exageration.) We're going to the same college next year and she'll have an appartment near mine. We're already good friends and all. what should I do? she already gave me a few just friends hints when we started as friends but that was almost two years ago. (Hey, at least I'm not asking /b/ what to do)
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Tyler on 27 Apr 2009, 12:55
Ask her out.

On a date.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 27 Apr 2009, 13:27
I'm a shyguy


Wait.... like the character from Mario?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Alex C on 27 Apr 2009, 15:46
I was not trying to make an enemy of someone creepy enough to send dickpix!


Yeah, agreed. Honesty is great and all, but sometimes you just need to worry about escaping the crazy person.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: nobo on 27 Apr 2009, 17:55
Honestly he really deserved the nut kick- he had started sending me phone pictures of his erect dick and I barely knew him.

hold on hold on, i'm writing this down, no dick pics to girls you don't know? as a rule of thumb, how long should a guy wait to send dick pics? after the first date too soon?

Back on topic though, the "lets just be friends" speech is a great way to lose a friend. It leaves a guy wondering what the real reason is that you don't like him. Its better to be honest and say "i don't want to date you because i don't have any feelings for you and don't find you attractive." At least then he won't resent you for a perceived lie.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 27 Apr 2009, 18:18
Sometimes, that isn't true though.

Sometimes, I am super attracted to someone, but the chemistry isn't there, so I don't feel anything thing other than friendly feelings towards them. Sometimes, I am very attracted to someone's personallity, but am otherwise shallow and don't want to date them. Sometimes, I am attracted to someone both physically and mentally, but don't want to date them. Sometimes, people are just better off as friends.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: TheFuriousWombat on 27 Apr 2009, 19:24
I think that's true and so you should use the real reason, the one that's more specific than "lets just be friends" (which, to be honest, isn't even a reason really). I think it's also true that just saying you want to be friends and nothing more can in fact lead to resentment and misunderstandings and such. Probably best to be a bit more specific if you actually intend to stay friends with the person.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 27 Apr 2009, 19:56
Once upon a time I was fooling around with two guys. I wanted to date them both. Guy A told me he was only interested in me as a friend, and never gave me a real reason as to why. Guy B told me that he wanted to stay friends because I was too fat for him. Guess which one I am still friends with and talk to everyday. I consider him one of my best friends ever.












Guy A. I spent an hour crying about it, then realized he was a really good friend and there for me and I should be happy with that. And I am.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 0bsessions on 27 Apr 2009, 20:07
Moral of the story: while the truth is usually the right option, some people don't have the emotional fortitude to handle it.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lines on 27 Apr 2009, 20:17
The only time I ever gave the friend speech was to a friend who decided I was a good rebound and I was all hell no. He's still my friend and happily involved with someone else and I am still chronically single.


SEE, I COULD HAVE HAD KISSES BUT NOOOOOOOOOO.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: BrittanyMarie on 27 Apr 2009, 21:14
hold on hold on, i'm writing this down, no dick pics to girls you don't know? as a rule of thumb, how long should a guy wait to send dick pics? after the first date too soon?

So no dick pics to girls you don't know, also no 2AM drunk texts that say "i want to pound your pussy until 5 am" because that makes girls who were your friend before not want to be your friend ever again. So um, at least I get to avoid the friend talk and just go straight to "You need to stop texting me really gross things" or maybe "you turn me completely off" or "wow dude that is pretty creepy and weird!" and probably "I will not ever change my mind, I will not ever sleep with you and honestly you are seriously weirding me out"
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jace on 28 Apr 2009, 00:59
"i want to pound your pussy until 5 am"

"no, I meant your cat, it peed all over my sweater. This was my favorite sweater."
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lunchbox on 28 Apr 2009, 05:06
My cat peed on my boyfriend's sweater a couple of months ago.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jimmy the Squid on 28 Apr 2009, 05:53
Lunchy your cat pees on anything that stays still for long enough.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jace on 28 Apr 2009, 06:15
My cat peed on my boyfriend's sweater a couple of months ago.

did he want to pound your pussy until 5am?

Oh hey thread,
So this girl wants to do things with me and I want to do things with her, I've never really had a casual friend that was mature enough to do this sort of thing. I don't really know how to handle it and stuff. How should I handle something like this?

Edit: okay there, now it is a question. This is technically a relationship, if a very open ended one.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Tyler on 28 Apr 2009, 06:19
Man, that is not asking for advice. That is just blogging. We have a blog thread. This is not the blog thread.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 28 Apr 2009, 06:52
Ok, one thing are you people saying "well, technically we are in a relationship, but its open" need to realize is that technically you are delusional, because technically you aren't technically in a relationship unless technically you've had "The Talk."

Fucking someone and being friends with them is not a relationship. This is a friendship, which includes "benefits." Often called a "friend with benefits," or a "FWB". This is what anyone is/has with someone who they are friends with, and are also fucking around with until you have "the talk," or it gets moderately(and I use this term lightly) serious, and you guys have started exclusively seeing each other, without having "the talk."
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Tyler on 28 Apr 2009, 06:57
Uh, wrong.

There are no set categories. Emotions are kind of.... fluid? I have been in relationships where nothing was ever said to specify it. It just became what it was. Forcing terms on shit is one surefire way to fuck things up if you do it too early.

Once one gets past high school, terms like this should hold less weight, until both partners are looking for a set monogamous relationship and feel like it is not clear as is.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 28 Apr 2009, 07:25
or  it gets moderately(and I use this term lightly) serious, and you guys have started exclusively seeing each other, without having "the talk."


God fucking damn it people, reading comprehension. Taught in grade school.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Sox on 28 Apr 2009, 07:34
you are delusional, because technically you aren't technically in a relationship unless technically you've had "The Talk."

Fucking someone and being friends with them is not a relationship.

These things are wrong. The rest of your post does not change that. If you think there's truth in those statements, you're either talking without experience or you need to find out what certain words mean before you use them.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 28 Apr 2009, 07:41
The first statement isn't wrong because it is explained further in my post. Yes, "the talk" is not necessary, as I said later in my post.

And maybe if you guys could not take every single thing at face value, you'd get the second statement. Fucking a friend is a relationship, but I'm pretty sure its not the type of relationship these people want. If you sleep with someone, it doesn't make them your boyfriend or girlfriend.


What is pissing me off so much is that I have been in these sort of situations. Its awkward for all parties(parties meaning the people involved. Not actual parties. Grasp that?). I was madly inlove with a dude I was fucking around with, who I hung out with often. I wanted something more, he did not. Saying that we were anything more was extremely awkward and made both of us uncomfortable. This continued for a year. We were never in a typical relationship. We were technically fucking around.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 28 Apr 2009, 07:46
Basically, don't assume you are dating someone, especially when they have said they want something casual or are emotionally unavailable, because not only will you feel and look dumb, but you will get your heart broken.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jimmy the Squid on 28 Apr 2009, 07:48
The word "technically" has now lost all meaning to me. Luckily I do not use this in everyday conversation so I should be good by tomorrow but still.

Guys why is it bothering me that I am so attracted to this girl I work with? I am attracted to people all the time but they do not usually occupy my mind this much. Damnit Work Girl, stop being so alluring with your looks and your glowing personality and your incessant flirting!
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Sox on 28 Apr 2009, 08:14
I'm sorry, I don't speak English as well as you do.
There's often a huge difference between what you say and what you mean, Emaline. You were quite right when you said that people asking for advice here are not after casual sex. But that isn't what you were called out on. You were quoted on something, and the explanations you offered alongside them were not sufficient enough to change the meaning of what you said, no matter how many times you insert the word 'technically'. When you're posting on a forum, make it clear which party you're from, or you will find people dispute what you say, even if they may share your opinion.
You can pretend that relationships have to be defined in a certain way in order to be considered a relationship, but I will not be party to that.

I'm sorry to hear that you were in a shitty relationship with that guy, because no matter how you want to dress it, that is what is was. A relationship. I understand that shitty relationships are both awkward and uncomfortable, especially if people at parties ask the nature of them.
"What is your relationship with eachother?"
"There is no relationship. We're just fucking eachother and one of us has really strong feelings for that other that are not being returned."
Sounds like a relationship to me.

Edit:
Basically, don't assume you are dating someone, especially when they have said they want something casual or are emotionally unavailable, because not only will you feel and look dumb, but you will get your heart broken.

Nobody has disputed this. However, I think the word "dating" might not mean what you think it means.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 28 Apr 2009, 11:04
Obviously you are not grasping what I am saying.

The word "technically" was used, I don't want to say sarcastically, but basically to poke fun at everyone saying that are "technically" dating smeone.


I wasn't not in a typical boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with that guy. I was not dating him. We did not go out on dates, and he was never my boyfriend. He was my friend that I screwed around with. This is not a typical boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. It was a friends with benefits relationship.

Typically, when someone says "relationship," they mean a boyfriend/girlfriend type thing. The same goes for dating. Dating does however often mean going out on dates with people. People as in the pluralised version of the word person.

Often, when people say one word in a sentence, the other words surrounding it, what the person is saying, how they are saying it, and how the word is beng used, will help you understand the meaning of the word. This is called comprehension.


I was saying that you cannot meet someone, fuck around with them, and then assume that you guys are a couple(boyfriend/girlfriend). You cannot assume some guy that you have sex with regularly, who has made it clear that his emotions are not involved is your boyfriend.


Casual sex does not equal boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, and rarely equals dating.


I was telling you all this so you would learn and not get your hopes up about the people you are having sex with, but obviously that is not going to happen since you all don't seem to be able to grasp basic reading skills. So, Girl With The Emotionally Unavailable Guy, you better not move on to that nice dude who you are interested in since you are obviously still that emotionally challenged dude's girlfriend, even though he probably doesn't know it! Pants, well, honetly man, I don't know what you are seeking advice for. It seems like things are alright for you.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Sox on 28 Apr 2009, 11:25
I'm sorry, I don't speak English as well as you do.
There's often a huge difference between what you say and what you mean, Emaline. You were quite right when you said that people asking for advice here are not after casual sex. But that isn't what you were called out on. You were quoted on something, and the explanations you offered alongside them were not sufficient enough to change the meaning of what you said, no matter how many times you insert the word 'technically'. When you're posting on a forum, make it clear which party you're from, or you will find people dispute what you say, even if they may share your opinion.

I do not think you are getting this.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 28 Apr 2009, 11:29
I honestly don't think you are getting it.


If you don't think I'm getting it, why not explain it differently?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Sox on 28 Apr 2009, 11:32
Because there's supposedly nothing wrong with your reading comprehension skills.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: redglasscurls on 28 Apr 2009, 11:35
Sox, she's pretty much explained her point from every angle now and it makes sense. So please, stop picking just for the sake of a fight.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 28 Apr 2009, 11:38
you are delusional, because technically you aren't technically in a relationship unless technically you've had "The Talk."
Cleared up further in my post. If not, maybe you should just forget about it, because you aren't even going to get it.

Quote

Fucking someone and being friends with them is not a relationship.

Meaning, fucking someone does not make them your boyfriend/girlfriend.



I do not understand where you are having problems with these concepts. Honestly, how many times do I need to repeat myself?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 28 Apr 2009, 11:40
Emaline, do you really think everyone else on this forum is too dim to comprehend written language?


No. Just Sox.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 28 Apr 2009, 11:46
I said that because originally Tyler was in on it too, but he seemed to have gotten it.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 0bsessions on 28 Apr 2009, 11:49
Emaline, please stop shitting up my thread.

Not that it didn't jump the shark a dozen or so pages back anyway.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 28 Apr 2009, 11:51
I am only shitting up your thread because I have had to repeat myself too many times in order to get someone to grasp a concept that seems to be beyond them.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Ozymandias on 28 Apr 2009, 11:51
I...

I don't understand what just happened here. I see Darryl and some people being dicks for no reason and I see Ema getting on the defense which makes more people be dicks?

You people are terrible at everything.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Sox on 28 Apr 2009, 11:54
Sox, she's pretty much explained her point from every angle now and it makes sense. So please, stop picking just for the sake of a fight.

You're right, she has. But I'm not the one picking a fight. I haven't insulted her yet.
Emaline is picking a fight by saying that I'm an idiot and that I can't read.
All I said was 'say what you mean, we're not mind readers'.

This is NOT down to my reading comprehension. Here are the unedited statements again.

you are delusional, because technically you aren't technically in a relationship unless technically you've had "The Talk."

Quote
Fucking someone and being friends with them is not a relationship.

This is clearly bullshit. Her original post did not elaborate further on those statements. Her later post did, and I acknowledged that several times by telling her that I agree with her.

God fucking damn it people, reading comprehension. Taught in grade school.

And maybe if you guys could not take every single thing at face value, you'd get the second statement.

but obviously that is not going to happen since you all don't seem to be able to grasp basic reading skills.

These are aggressive and confrontational statements. This is how she talks to people who agree with her and understand what she is saying. I want this on record.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: tommydski on 28 Apr 2009, 11:55
I don't really understand the big deal. I think it's just a minor miscommunication.

I think, think that we're all going to walk away from this one though. I've a slight twinge in the ankle but that was a pre-existing injury which I sustained earlier today chasing an Ice Cream van.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 0bsessions on 28 Apr 2009, 11:56
I am only shitting up your thread because I have had to repeat myself too many times in order to get someone to grasp a concept that seems to be beyond them.

If you feel people are not grasping your point, just give up rather than getting hostile. This is something you do often and it is exactly WHY you are the center of constant arguments on here.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Emaline on 28 Apr 2009, 12:00
Sox, re-read the god damn thread.

I rarely edit my posts, and when I do, it is to add something.

And on record? Are we in court? Or building files on people?


Wait, so Obsessions, people don't like me because I am stubborn? Why am I the one in trouble for doing the exact same thing as Sox? Because I am not part of the clique?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: benji on 28 Apr 2009, 12:01
Remember when this thread was about people with relationship questions, and other people would way in with advice? Man those were the days.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Sox on 28 Apr 2009, 12:14
...I'm here often enough to be part of a clique?
Due to my opinions in the music forum and altercations like this one, I sincerely doubt I have any friends here, Emaline.
Why didn't you use your reading comprehension skills to pick up on the fact that Jon thinks you're way too hostile?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: redglasscurls on 28 Apr 2009, 12:15
As someone who gets very defensive quickly too, I can see why she would type like that in the heat of argument. People exaggerate and make generalizations when angry, but it is hopefully relatively over now.

So hey advice thread, I have been stressed out ridiculously by end-of-semester classwork and as a result I have not been in the mood for sex at ALL for over a week now. Should it worry me how much more Chris and I argue when we aren't having regular sex? Or should I chalk up the arguments to the stress instead?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 0bsessions on 28 Apr 2009, 12:21
To be perfectly honest, I'd say it IS because of the lack of sex, but I wouldn't worry about it.

Biologically speaking, sex is a de-stresser. When you don't have sex, that's one more way for the stress to build up.

Solution? Accept that probability, ask your boyfriend for patience and then properly de-stress when you're back in the mood for it.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Ozymandias on 28 Apr 2009, 12:47
I think one can feed into the other pretty easily, Manda, creating a spiraling effect of stress leading to lowered sex drive and more arguments leading to more stress, etc.

Get done with your stressful activities, relax, and don't get upset at each other.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lines on 28 Apr 2009, 12:47
If you're stressed out and not in the mood for sex, do other things to destress, like exercise or something, and then have sex when you feel like. As a person who doesn't have sex, I don't know if the lack of it is a reason for it, but you shouldn't let it keep building up. If your stress is actually due to lack of action, well, get in the zone and then get to it. I guess.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: benji on 28 Apr 2009, 12:50
Yeah, I would agree that the lack of sex probably isn't helping the stress, even as the stress is clearly interfering with the sex, and both things are contributing to arguing more. However, I would also point out that when we are busy, we tend to cut things out of our lives, and you need to be careful that Chris doesn't feel like he's the expendable part. Make sure that there's still some time when you can be fully present and there with him. If you just aren't in the mood for sex, do something else you both enjoy doing together, but make sure you're actually doing it and not just stressing out about 100 things while going through the motions.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Sox on 28 Apr 2009, 13:03
After reviewing the thread, it seems Tyler and I totally misread that initial post that started this whole thing. My apologies.

Yeah, I'm a dick.

Quote
You're right, she has. But I'm not the one picking a fight. I haven't insulted her yet.
Emaline is picking a fight by saying that I'm an idiot and that I can't read.
All I said was 'say what you mean, we're not mind readers'.

After re-reading the entire thread, I was being very passive aggressive and provoking her the entire time, while insisting I was right despite being terribly wrong. Every time she tried to explain this, I ignored her. I am the asshole in this situation.

Quote
This is clearly bullshit. Her original post did not elaborate further on those statements. Her later post did, and I acknowledged that several times by telling her that I agree with her.

I was totally wrong here. I should have read that initial post more than once.

Quote
These are aggressive and confrontational statements. This is how she talks to people who agree with her and understand what she is saying. I want this on record.
Yeah, I'm a huge dick.

I am a gigantic ass, I am sorry for provoking you and ignoring what you had to say, Emaline. You were correct the whole time, and it's understandable that you got slightly hostile, as I'm sure anybody else would when I'm being so incredibly frustrating.
The worst part is that I persisted even after several very sensible people told me that I was wrong without reviewing the thread.

I'm terribly embarrassed, I and hope you'll accept my apology?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: tommydski on 28 Apr 2009, 13:28
I am not accepting your apology on her behalf.

As penance I demand that you cut off your own foreskin and scan it in for the forum to see, as proof.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: nobo on 28 Apr 2009, 14:37

Oh hey thread,
So this girl wants to do things with me and I want to do things with her, I've never really had a casual friend that was mature enough to do this sort of thing. I don't really know how to handle it and stuff. How should I handle something like this?

Edit: okay there, now it is a question. This is technically a relationship, if a very open ended one.

I would suggest keep doing what you're doing until she initiates the exclusive relationship talk. this is a situation where the guy fucks it up 100% of the time by being relationshiply aggressive.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: StaedlerMars on 28 Apr 2009, 15:38
I've a slight twinge in the ankle but that was a pre-existing injury which I sustained earlier today chasing an Ice Cream van.

Why is it that these things only become awesome again once you're past your teens?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: squawk on 28 Apr 2009, 16:10
They've been awesome for forever! What are you talking about!

I really like that mental image Tommy
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: StaedlerMars on 28 Apr 2009, 16:12
Really? I was all 'man, I'm too cool for ice cream.'

Actually, that's a lie. They didn't have ice cream trucks where I was in my teens.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: KvP on 28 Apr 2009, 18:11
So I asked the girl out today, sort of. I had invited her to see the This American Life movie (it was pretty great!) but she couldn't go due to schoolwork, but apparently they're rescreening it next Thursday. I stopped her after class and I invited her to that, but she said she has a meeting for her internship directly after the film. So that did not pan out.

At that point I realized that this was pretty much as good of a chance as I'm going to get, so I stopped her as she turned to leave and asked her if she liked coffee. She said that she used to but she's drinking tea now. So I asked her if she wanted to go out for tea with me.

And she seemed a little taken aback by this, but she said yes. Anyway at that point I realized I had no idea what the fuck I was doing. So I said "Cool, let me know." and we said our goodbyes.

So it's in her court now. If she wants to, I guess she'll get back to me? If not she won't, and I don't think it won't be a big deal. I'm not head-over-heels for this girl, she just seems smart and interesting.

Did I do right? Should I have been as forward as I was about it? I don't know. After the mindfuck of the last few weeks I'm finding it difficult to dwell on things. It's nice.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: ruyi on 28 Apr 2009, 19:04
Did I do right?

Oh my god you fucked it up in so many ways I can't even begin to enumerate them
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: ruyi on 28 Apr 2009, 19:04
pretty excited for you  :-)
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: benji on 28 Apr 2009, 19:38
You did right, but don't assume the balls entirely in her court. If you don't hear back in a day or two, remind her that you still want to take her out for tea.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Dimmukane on 28 Apr 2009, 20:49
An update on my situation: it is not so dire anymore. 

The Best Friend still doesn't know about the Thing the Girl and I kind of have going (if you can call it that.  We're both kind of tiptoe-ing around the situation a bit, haven't really fooled around or anything yet), and he's admitted to developing a bad habit of getting drunk and flirting with a lot of Arizona State girls (because all the hot girls at his school are in Interior Design and not Film).  I think he's starting to recognize the strain of a long-distance relationship, despite how hard he has been holding onto it.  If the Girl can keep a secret, I'd even wager there's a 50/50 chance of him initiating an amicable breakup over the summer.

My question now is, how long afterwards do we wait to let him know about us?  Obviously right after is not a good idea, but what is a decent waiting period?  A month? A few months?  2 hours? One week?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: calenlass on 28 Apr 2009, 21:07
Dear relationship thread -

My boyfriend is getting to be woefully boring. He doesn't like being decisive, which is a problem because when I do not have an opinion on something I prefer to not make a decision either (like what to have for dinner or what to do this saturday night omg). He is lazy; actually, he may have decided that "doing nothing" is one of his favourite pastimes because at one point he was working three jobs and had no free time, and he doesn't often go back and re-think his opinions after the circumstances have changed. He is shy, so things like going to play in the creek in our underwear or even bathing suits is just nooootttttt rrrrrrrreeeeeeally something he wants to doooo. He is also not exactly innately creative, at least in a way I would recognise, so he will do things like learn how to make mashed potatoes and then eat nothing but mashed potatoes and maybe some beef or chicken for like two weeks and then wonder why he is so sick of potatoes and declare that he hates them forever after amen.

I have done things like suggest going on a picnic or hiking up the local "mountain" or going to the park, but it just never seems to happen. I have mentioned things like weekend camping trips or visiting the coastal barrier islands for spring break, and while those not happening is not entirely his fault, as we both ultimately had scheduling conflicts, I have a feeling they wouldn't have happened anyway. I know he can be spontaneous: he once felt that things were not going the way he wanted, so he assessed his assets and two days later moved from Atlanta to Portland, Maine. I know he does fun things, because he hiked the Appalachian Trail two years ago!

I don't mind planning things and making sure they happen, but when I am doing that every time it starts to make it feel like it is not worth it. So what should I do? How do I boost his sense of fun? What do I do to inspire his spontaneous streak?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Beren on 28 Apr 2009, 21:13
Given his history you talked about, maybe he's fallen into a depressive state recently, either mentally or physically.  Have you talked to him about his lack of drive or motivation? Has he talked about it with you? Sometimes it takes a brief change of scenery to pop people out of a slump like that, or maybe even something more severe. Has he acknowledged that he's changed/changing somewhat?

I feel particularly knowledgeable about the subject at the moment as I rather feel myself to be in your boyfriend's situation, and my lady in yours. It can be difficult.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Tyler on 28 Apr 2009, 21:15
Dear relationship thread -

My boyfriend is getting to be woefully boring. He doesn't like being decisive, which is a problem because when I do not have an opinion on something I prefer to not make a decision either (like what to have for dinner or what to do this saturday night omg). He is lazy; actually, he may have decided that "doing nothing" is one of his favourite pastimes because at one point he was working three jobs and had no free time, and he doesn't often go back and re-think his opinions after the circumstances have changed. He is shy, so things like going to play in the creek in our underwear or even bathing suits is just nooootttttt rrrrrrrreeeeeeally something he wants to doooo. He is also not exactly innately creative, at least in a way I would recognise, so he will do things like learn how to make mashed potatoes and then eat nothing but mashed potatoes and maybe some beef or chicken for like two weeks and then wonder why he is so sick of potatoes and declare that he hates them forever after amen.

I have done things like suggest going on a picnic or hiking up the local "mountain" or going to the park, but it just never seems to happen. I have mentioned things like weekend camping trips or visiting the coastal barrier islands for spring break, and while those not happening is not entirely his fault, as we both ultimately had scheduling conflicts, I have a feeling they wouldn't have happened anyway. I know he can be spontaneous: he once felt that things were not going the way he wanted, so he assessed his assets and two days later moved from Atlanta to Portland, Maine. I know he does fun things, because he hiked the Appalachian Trail two years ago!

I don't mind planning things and making sure they happen, but when I am doing that every time it starts to make it feel like it is not worth it. So what should I do?

Where are you living these days?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: calenlass on 28 Apr 2009, 21:17
Hotlanta, of course. Actually I live about 30 minutes north of the city in Kennesaw. Yes, that is where Kennesaw Mountain is; that is in fact the "local 'mountain' to which I referred.


Beren: I have chronic depression. I know how it is too. The problem is, he is not a verbal person, and he doesn't know how to describe his thoughts or feelings to people because I don't think he knows how to describe them to himself. So for all I know he could actually be depressed, but he would have no idea, and I wouldn't be able to get a straight answer to such questions as "do you feel apathetic most of the time" or "have you stopped doing the things you like and don't know why" because he would have mentally defined apathetic wrongly and he would try to give me a reason for why because he would think he knows but actually doesn't? I am sorry if this is confusing to understand, but it is really confusing to deal with, especially for someone like me who needs to be so verbally precise.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: KvP on 28 Apr 2009, 21:37
An update on my situation: it is not so dire anymore. 

The Best Friend still doesn't know about the Thing the Girl and I kind of have going (if you can call it that.  We're both kind of tiptoe-ing around the situation a bit, haven't really fooled around or anything yet), and he's admitted to developing a bad habit of getting drunk and flirting with a lot of Arizona State girls (because all the hot girls at his school are in Interior Design and not Film).  I think he's starting to recognize the strain of a long-distance relationship, despite how hard he has been holding onto it.  If the Girl can keep a secret, I'd even wager there's a 50/50 chance of him initiating an amicable breakup over the summer.

My question now is, how long afterwards do we wait to let him know about us?  Obviously right after is not a good idea, but what is a decent waiting period?  A month? A few months?  2 hours? One week?
I would say awhile, and if it's at all possible dissuade him of the notion that this whole thing started before they broke up, if you're looking to head off drama. If it's possible for you to break off contact that might also be advisable. But what do I know!

You did right, but don't assume the balls entirely in her court. If you don't hear back in a day or two, remind her that you still want to take her out for tea.
Yeah, I'm not sure of what my next step should be. I just don't know if I should press. I want to seem open but not aggressive. If she's not interested I'd rather her just let it drop than be forced to say so.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 28 Apr 2009, 21:40
girl

So I would not be so sure it's in her court unless that was the explicit result of the conversation and even then I would not be sure. If you want something sometimes you have to pursue it. Not too aggressively, of course, but if you really want her you may have to make the next move and the next move.

Yeah and you didn't do it wrong. Sounds about the best you could of. Knock 'em dead, tiger.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: WriterofAllWrongs on 28 Apr 2009, 21:46
Quote from: calenlass
my boyfriend

I'm just wondering if you've talked to him about any of this, because regardless on how shitty he is verbally you should at least try to communicate a little with him if you think you guys are having problems.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Professor Snuggles on 28 Apr 2009, 21:53
Manda, break up with him, if sex is the only thing keeping you together you're doomed.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Professor Snuggles on 28 Apr 2009, 21:53
Then move to colorado.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jace on 29 Apr 2009, 00:17
girl

Hey, I can sorta help, I've been in this situation.

If she doesn't get back to you after a couple days, and you ask her again, and she gives you a real iffy answer, she may just be going along with it because she doesn't know how to say no. I've encountered this more than once, or at least, girls who go along with something initially, then later say that it was something entirely different and that they were just humoring you.
It is a fine line you're walking, between getting into a relationship and having a girl think you are that guy that she doesn't like but that won't leave her alone.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Inlander on 29 Apr 2009, 01:00
Yeah, I'm not sure of what my next step should be. I just don't know if I should press. I want to seem open but not aggressive. If she's not interested I'd rather her just let it drop than be forced to say so.

Dude. Set a time and a place (you probably should have done that in the first place, but whatever), meet up with her, hang out, see if you both enjoy it, if you do both enjoy it then do it again. You're not starting the love of a lifetime here, you're just making preliminary investigations. Don't burden it with being something it's not when it's so ridiculously early in the piece. Here's the break down:

1) There is a girl.
2) You sort of like the girl, in that you wouldn't mind getting a beverage of some kind with her.
3) You've made a mutual but fairly vague commitment to get a beverage together at some undetermined time and place in the future.

At this point you shouldn't be looking any further into the future of your relationship with this girl than that first "date". If after that you decide that you're not really so keen on her, that's fine. If you go out on one very low-key date with her, then decide not to pursue anything further, and she gets all cut up about it because she's invested too much emotion into it, that's her problem not yours; or vice-versa if she decides she's not interested. At this point neither of you should be getting too excited about anything, nor should you expect the big emotions to be there right from the start. Always remember: love at first sight is a crock made up by movie executives to sell tickets to Matthew McConaughey/Kate Hudson films.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: KvP on 29 Apr 2009, 01:08
You right, you right.

Gah, I was so flustered then too. I'll have to man up some (SEXISM) and just talk to her again. If she initiates contact that is a positive sign!
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: snalin on 29 Apr 2009, 03:14
I've a slight twinge in the ankle but that was a pre-existing injury which I sustained earlier today chasing an Ice Cream van.

I've a slight twinge in the ankle but that was a pre-existing injury which I Ice Cream van.

d'aaaaaw! :lol:

So, relationship thread, you doin' anything... say Friday at seven?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: calenlass on 29 Apr 2009, 09:14
Quote from: calenlass
my boyfriend

I'm just wondering if you've talked to him about any of this, because regardless on how shitty he is verbally you should at least try to communicate a little with him if you think you guys are having problems.


Well, duh. I have already talked to him. Mostly I am just asking for ideas on how to get him interested - you know, maybe new and innovative ways to broach the subject, like with pictures and stickies on the refrigerator or putting a picnic basket on his head for a hat or maybe some tips on how to suggest things to people and still make them think they thought of it all by themselves (I have always wanted to be able to do this).
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 0bsessions on 29 Apr 2009, 09:19
So, relationship thread, you doin' anything... say Friday at seven?

Sorry, I'm washing my hair that night.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: benji on 29 Apr 2009, 09:25
You right, you right.

Gah, I was so flustered then too. I'll have to man up some (SEXISM) and just talk to her again. If she initiates contact that is a positive sign!

Yeah, but don't take it as a negative sign if she doesn't. Something we sometimes forget is that the girl can be shy too, and it sounds like this girl might not be used to having someone interested in her. You said she seemed surprised when you asked her out for tea. She was busy the first two times you asked her somewhere, which might have been an attempt to blow you off without saying "I'm not interested," but there's another possibility. There's a personality type of highly driven, busy, and sort of geeky people (I'm certainly one of them) and many of us are completely dense about someone being interested in us just because we're so caught up in the rest of our lives. More then one of my relationships have started with long periods of hanging out together, which I assumed was just hanging out together, until the other person said "hey, you wanna go on a date some time?"
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: jmrz on 04 May 2009, 23:21
KvP - this girl sounds like she is fairly busy with her everyday life stuff, so perhaps next time you see her, try and arrange a time for tea? Something like "I was thinking <insert day here> at about <insert time here> for tea? Does that work?" and just try and set something into a more concrete state I guess.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: KvP on 05 May 2009, 00:19
Thanks Jammerz, I think I will do that.

I need to get notes from her anyway!
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Masterbainter on 05 May 2009, 02:22
I'm not perfect and I don't expect others to be.

Last week my girlfriend tells me she invited a person who she had slept with very recently before she started dating me over to play zelda.  Fortunately, the guy knew she was dating me and advised her he didn't think it was a good Idea.  She said I would be fine with it as long as they hung out as just friends(I had no knowledge of this event at the time).  He told her that he probably would hit on her so forth.  So she told him to just forget about it.

Since, she has told me of this conversation I am unsually bothered.  I feel or think, yeah think is the word that her intent was competely innocent as this girl seems quite a bit different from girls i've dated in the past(ones that have cheated).  I am still very uneasy about the situation because either to me hanging out with someone you've fucked makes it all to easy to fuck up and say "whoops" again.  Maybe it's just me and I'm sure many of you will say so or just call me a prick or whatever.  I have some insecurities I never really completely got over before I started dating this girl and so far she has been nothing but a pretty good experience for me relationship wise, which is why I am having issues with what she told me.  I could probably go on and on about how honest of a person she seems, but in reality the problem isn't that she talked to this dude and told me about it.  It's the fact that it bothers me and i'm trying to decide if my insecurities validate my reasoning for being upset about this or if they are just plainly insecurities.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Zingoleb on 05 May 2009, 02:29
When you're hurt by someone in the past, that hurt doesn't go away with that person. It lingers on and manifests itself in different ways, especially in making it hard to trust who you're with now, because you're still, consciously or unconsciously, comparing them to your past lovers and hoping that they don't do the same things that have hurt you before. I don't think you're being totally insecure, I think that you're still putting yourself on guard a bit from what happened before. It sounds, to me, that you're a bit justified over being upset initially, but, as far as I can tell, it doesn't seem like anything to linger on for a long, long time.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Masterbainter on 05 May 2009, 02:39
Good read of me.  I see your point completely and hope it doesn't linger.  I am trying really hard to not make wrong decisions in my relationship because of the wrong in my past relationship.  My major problem now is trying to accept the amount of personal risk in putting forth a good showing in a relationship with the chances of it all backlashing into my face.  I'm probably a douche of a boyfriend for this, but it's my struggle and I'm trying.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Zingoleb on 05 May 2009, 02:48
I've seen a lot of times where people have a hard time letting their boyfriend/girlfriend maintain a relationship with their ex(es), and while sometimes I find it's justified, I think that sometimes there isn't anything more than a friendship going on.

Intimate relationships can end with "Let's be friends" and then actually go onto become friendship. Really! The main key always seems to be, more than anything, to communicate. Tell her that you feel uneasy about her being with him but that doesn't mean you're trying to put a stop to it - instead, you're just trying to realize that you can trust her, which is something that can take awhile to truly sink in.

I suddenly feel like Dr. Phil. :|
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Masterbainter on 05 May 2009, 03:00
Yeah, I don't mind the casual talking to or seeing as she passes by him at college.  But the whole hanging out thing which would most likely be just her and him in her apartment irks me.  I have stated to her how it made me feel to which she got pretty upset and blamed my past relationships for not letting myself trust her with this.  I tried to explain to her that even though my feeling may not be right initially they are my feelings and i'm not going to hide them from her.  Things of been a bit edgy since the whole conversation.  We are still talking and being close and cuddly and all.  Just she seems so much more apt to get upset at me then she did before.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Zingoleb on 05 May 2009, 03:15
Hm, interesting. Either something is happening between them, or she's just upset because it's coming across to her as, "I can't trust you."
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Masterbainter on 05 May 2009, 04:32
I think it's mostly the latter.  She probably really gets the feeling I don't trust her after I told her how it made me feel really uneasy she invited him to hang out.  It's just one of those things I coudln't let settle inside me and had to let her know how it affected me.  I suppose either she'll let that hurt us or help us.  I just hope she picks the latter in that.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: valley_parade on 05 May 2009, 07:41
So, relationship thread, you doin' anything... say Friday at seven?

Sorry, I'm washing my hair that night.

Oh. I only date people who wash their hair regularly..
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: pen on 05 May 2009, 08:50
You and I would never have worked out.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: benji on 05 May 2009, 11:38
Hm, interesting. Either something is happening between them, or she's just upset because it's coming across to her as, "I can't trust you."

I don't think it's necessarily either of those things, though the latter has a small part to do with it. She probably sees this as an attempt by MB to determine who she's allowed to be friends with, which no one appreciates.

It's good to make your feelings known, but try to work past those feelings. Don't make her choose between a relationship with you and a friendship with this other person. You might not win the choice, and even if you do, she'll resent you for it.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: pen on 05 May 2009, 11:48
At the same time, I see his concern with her hanging out with an ex-plaything.  I know that would make me a little uncomfortable if my boyfriend wanted to hang out like that with another woman.  It wouldn't be that I don't trust him, but I wouldn't trust the other person involved if I didn't already know her well.  In MB's case, it sounds like he's had it rough before and the lady should be a little more considerate toward him regarding this.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: a pack of wolves on 05 May 2009, 11:59
Trusting the other person should be irrelevant, since if you trust your partner part of that trust is the expectation that they'll rebuff any advances made towards them. Not to say that some consideration shouldn't be given by a partner to someone who's had a rough past, but unless someone does things that give you cause to doubt trusting them (and hanging out with an ex certainly isn't one) not trusting a partner is in the end an individuals own problem. It's also not one a partner should be expected to put up with indefinitely.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: benji on 05 May 2009, 12:04
At the same time, I see his concern with her hanging out with an ex-plaything.  I know that would make me a little uncomfortable if my boyfriend wanted to hang out like that with another woman.  It wouldn't be that I don't trust him, but I wouldn't trust the other person involved if I didn't already know her well.  In MB's case, it sounds like he's had it rough before and the lady should be a little more considerate toward him regarding this.

Yeah, that's probably true. MB should probably suggest some situation where they can all hang out together. If she wants to maintain a friendship with the ex, part of that should probably involve MB and the ex getting to know each other a little better.

Looking back though, I don't know if the ex sounds like he's interested in a "just friends" relationship. She invited him over and he said it would be a bad idea because he would just end up hitting on her. That suggests that he doesn't feel ready to have her as "just a friend" at the moment.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Tyler on 05 May 2009, 12:47
Man, you need to let her do her thing. In the end, who she hangs with is her choice. You are allowed to say your thing, and you did. Otherwise, you are two adult individuals.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Tyler on 05 May 2009, 12:54
From now on, do not post here unless you have already tried the following:

Hey, (Person of interest), (These are my current feelings about said situation).

Lets have some examples:

Hey, girl I like, I would like to take you to the movies.
Hey, boyfriend, I am not happy with the current state of affairs, specifically your indifference.
Hey, ex-girlfriend, things between us are really over, and we both need to move on.


The reason: No one is a mind reader.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Eris on 05 May 2009, 15:12
I just tried the second option and now I have no boyfriend.


Thanks a lot, Tyler. I'm gonna go cry for a while now.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: tommydski on 05 May 2009, 15:14
Hannah, I just realised you have the most irreverent and brilliant avatar/avatar text combination.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 0bsessions on 05 May 2009, 15:18
Hey, boyfriend, I am not happy with the current state of affairs, specifically your indifference.

I find myself indifferent to your unhappiness.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Josefbugman on 05 May 2009, 18:02
Godsdammit housemate, why do you have to bring over hot women from work that you are interested in but any man with a pulse would also be interested in!

Quick question, how am I to behave with honourable intentions towards this girl whilst not undermining my friends chances with her (advice asked for here)
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Tyler on 05 May 2009, 18:09
In an effort to make this an interesting thread again, let us keep it to "Relationship Advice"

Blogging goes in blog thread. Sex shit has its own thread too.

If it isn't advice you are asking for, don't post here.
If it is advice you are asking for and it can be dealt with by the post I made further up the page, don't post here.

Cmon kids.

Let's make this thread not be terrible!
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: ViolentDove on 05 May 2009, 19:03
Rightio!

So, a fair while back, I used to work with this girl. We were good friends, and became very much attracted to each other over the course of working together. However, we were both in relationships with people at the time, so nothing came of it while we were working together. Both of our relationships had been on the way out before we spoke about our mutual attraction, but it was a difficult thing for both of us to leave our respective partners for reasons I'm not comfortable talking about here.

Anyway, eventually both of us became single. After a bit of time had passed (we'd been friends all the while), I thought I'd go about asking her out as slightly more than friends, or at least on a one-to-one basis. I have done this a fair few times, and she always says she's too busy that day/night, and didn't get back to me when I ask her for a better time. After a while of this, I asked if she was avoiding me for some reason, and she said no, she was just busy and forgetful. I left it at that, and just went back to business as usual for a few weeks.

Now even when I try to organise less romantic stuff, more along the lines of what you normally do with your friends, it's the same- she's always too busy, doesn't reply with a better time, etc. And yet she finds the time to go to the pub with mutual friends of ours she professes to not even like that much. On top of this, the one or two times we have been out in the past couple of months, I get the impression that she's still interested in me. I also get the impression she's a bit jealous of this other girl who has asked me out a few times.

Basically I'm pretty thoroughly confused. I've kinda given up on the romantic notions with her. I don't really want to ask her a second time if there's some reason she's avoiding me, but I still would like to keep her as a friend, at the least.

Advice?



Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jimmy the Squid on 05 May 2009, 19:14
Sounds like she is more into the idea of you rather than you. I say this because of the bit about how she seems to be interested when you are around but is not willing to make time to see you on any kind of one-on-one basis. She probably has slight crushes on you but not strong enough for her to make any significant effort. It's possible that she is terribly busy but not that likely if she's hanging out with people she doesn't even particularly like.

I'd probably just find someone more available unless you are super-invested in this girl.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 05 May 2009, 19:18
Options: -confront her (probably a bad idea)
             -forget about it (probably a better idea?)

People are confused about what they want sometimes and it is not necessarily worth figuring out what they want. Jimmy's right.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Tyler on 05 May 2009, 19:21
Basically this is simple on your end of things.

Ask her when she is free, and then ask her to do something with you. If you have a good friendship, tell her you two are doing something and she has no choice (caveman strategy can be very endearing if it fits the personalities involved). Frankly being blunt about it might take the nervous romantic emotion issue off the table and relax her.

If she continues to avoid and such, honestly just let it go and move past. Stalling yourself out for someone else who cannot work things out for themselves is always a bad idea.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: jmrz on 05 May 2009, 19:23
Yeah, I'd have to agree with Jimmy here, and I've kind of been in that situation before - having a thing for someone who is otherwise unattainable, but when they were attainable and emotionally available, I kind of lost interest/they weren't as exciting/they were different to when I was flirting with previously.

If this is the case, maybe she just doesn't know how to tell you without making it awkward/feel bad, but from the sounds of it, she probably doesn't want to lead you into having a sense of false hope either, hence the avoidance/busy-ness but not really/whatever.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: ViolentDove on 05 May 2009, 19:53
Hm, right. Thanks for the advice. Like I say, I was already leaning towards just getting over her, so I guess that's basically what I'll do. Hopefully she values our friendship as much as I do and will sort out whatever she's got going on, and maybe we'll go back to being friends further down the line.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Masterbainter on 06 May 2009, 01:23
I tried Tyler's 3rd option on my current girlfriend... and now i'm married.   WTF  :?

JK
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: est on 06 May 2009, 08:20
Also, I know this is cliche but maybe she's still got a crush on you but doesn't want to do anything about it right now because it's not the right time.  Can't remember how long it's been since you became single, but different people need different time to get over shit and feel like they want something new.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Alex C on 06 May 2009, 09:18
Provided that both parties are not creeps, people tend to like flirting since it can be fun and a nice "Hey, I -am- attractive!" reminder. However, it does mean that you'll run into people who will kind-of-but-not-really respond to advances because it is pleasant and they like the attention. Life becomes much simpler (and more fun) when you can accept and live with that idea without stressing out about it.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lummer on 06 May 2009, 10:26
...ooooh I want the one I can't haaave, and it's driving me maaaad....
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: ViolentDove on 07 May 2009, 21:08
Sooooo.... this morning I woke up and there was a message on my phone from around midnight last night. Apparently that same girl wanted to drop round my house for a beer. At midnight.

aahjgskjhashkakjhkkjh  :? :? :? :? etc. 
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Darkbluerabbit on 08 May 2009, 08:31
Based on available information, she does not want to date you, but due to earlier flirtations has you tagged as a potential rebound fuck.  This is my theory.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: McTaggart on 08 May 2009, 08:49
Maybe she just wanted a beer vOv
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: 0bsessions on 08 May 2009, 08:50
I second DBR's assessment. If you just want to get off, have at her, but she doesn't sound like she's particularly likely to make for a successful relationship.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: axerton on 10 May 2009, 04:24
So, new topic of conversation, frivolous use of the L word (love not lesbian)

I was at a party last night with a my new girl (by new I mean not even together a week). Something in the conversation causes me to perform the awkward turtle* she laughs and says "Awkward A'Tuin". My brain thinks "Fantastic nerdy joke" however what my mouth says is "My God, I love you" - exactly as I would to anyone who had said something like that. She however seems to take me seriously saying something along the lines of "Wow that was early"


Was it stupid on my part? On hers for taking me seriously? Should the use of 'love you' be kept solely for important moments with your significant other, even if you use it freely with other people? Discuss

*Incase there are any who don't know, the awkward turtle is a sign made by putting your hand palm down flat in front of you putting the other hand on top of it so that you're thumbs are pointing out in oposite directions, then rotating your thumbs - the idea is that when ever theres an awkward pause in the conversation that the awkward turtle climbs onto the beach and lays eggs in your conversation.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: ViolentDove on 10 May 2009, 06:19
I wouldn't call it stupid on either account, I think it's just the circumstance that made it awkward. I mean, you would've said that with no weirdness to a friend had they made the same joke, so you can't really blame yourself for saying it without thinking. And she can't really be blamed for the "it's a bit early for that" kind of response, because well, you've only been going out for a week, but in the context of you two being in a relationship it's a pretty fair interpretation on her part to take the comment literally.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: onewheelwizzard on 10 May 2009, 12:04
What I would do about that would sound a bit like this:

"So when I said 'I love you,' what I meant was 'I am getting signals from my mind and body that are telling me that you're really incredible.'  I AM getting those signals, I DO feel that way about you ... AND, in addition to all that, I am kinda weirded out by using the words 'I love you' after having been with you for so little time.  I hope you're OK with that and I'm open to whatever you have to say on the subject."

Cue listening to her.

That's what I'd do, anyway.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: est on 10 May 2009, 23:00
Listen to Nick.  Unlike some people, he talks the sense.

I would just pretend the awkward never happened.  Just go back to hangin' out and having fun with her.  I wouldn't even bother trying to explain that you didn't mean it, blah blah because it'd just make things awkward again.  She is probably sitting wherever she is at the moment thinking "ah man, I knew he wasn't saying love with a capital L, why did I have to take things seriously and make things awkward?  Oh god"
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Inlander on 10 May 2009, 23:59
No! At the first opportunity, say "God I hate you". That way it will balance out.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: bbq on 15 May 2009, 15:36
It may just be me being a teenager and all but it's quite common to use the word 'love' when describing friendships, a hell of a lot more common than it is to refer to a significant other.

Just say you meant it in a friendly way, instead of a romantic way.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Slick on 15 May 2009, 21:51
I like Harry's tack on the situation. Just try and not to sound like a mood-swinging freak.
Or, say you hate god so every time you say "God <something>" that something is actually a lie to spite god.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: StaedlerMars on 22 May 2009, 20:46
I thought this thread was no longer a Thing, but it is, so I have to ask.

There's this lady who I'm kinda running into a lot and there's definite good vibes. She's really cute and fun and whenever we see each other I'm fairly sure that we're kicking it off ace. But, the run-ins are usually accidental and completely random. Now I'm thinking of next time I see her asking her number, but on the other hand I thought it might ruin the situation we have. I mean, I'm not really looking to get into a relationship and I don't think she is either, but... yea.

Is asking for a phone number kinda making it official?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Eris on 22 May 2009, 20:51
Going on a date does not a relationship make.


Seriously though, ask her if she wants to hang out and leave it at that. It's not like saying "want to go hav coffee/get something to eat/hangout etc.?" is the same as "WIL YOO BE MY GIRLFREN?" Don't make it a big thing.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: onewheelwizzard on 23 May 2009, 00:33
Now I'm thinking of next time I see her asking her number, but on the other hand I thought it might ruin the situation we have.

Dude, right now you "have" nothing, it is only potential at this point, and the only thing about that is that there is a lot of it.  It will be quite easy for you to say "hey, we seem to run into each other a lot, and I enjoy your company, we should hang out more often, would it be cool if I got your number?"  Her response will almost undoubtedly be "sure, what's yours?" and she will pull out her phone.  She might even interrupt you ("We should hang out, you want my number?") to say this.

This is a really key thing to get comfortable with, so now's a great time to practice.  And if she does balk, it'll probably be because she has a boyfriend already, in which case you should repeat the question, and stress that you respect boundaries and you actually just enjoy her company and want to hang out with her sometime, because she might have attractive friends who are as cool as she is (don't actually say that last part).
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Darkbluerabbit on 23 May 2009, 01:17
Find any event.  Small party with friends or large festival, doesn't matter.  If you're being forward, say "I can pick you up if you would like to join me."  If you're more subtle by nature or unsure about your prospects, say "I know about this movie/event/party/thing, would you be interested?  It could be fun, and it'd be nice to have someone along who is fun to talk to."

You're basically saying that your prospective date is fun to be around, without begging her or him to be there.  It conveys interest, but not desperation.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jace on 23 May 2009, 04:19
I asked one girl "hey, you want to go to this party friday? my friend max invited me and his girlfriend is going with him" she replied with "You know I have a boyfriend" and so I said "alright, but did you want to go to the party with me and my friend max and his girlfriend? I mean, we can be friends right?" Its really simple to just be cool about it if they have a boyfriend. Just tack on the extra bit about going as friends if they straight up mention a boyfriend.

(of course, her boyfriend lived in california, so it wasn't like he was going to go.)
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Barmymoo on 25 May 2009, 14:03
Relationship thread, do I pursue a possible relationship with a boy knowing that he is considering getting back together with an ex-girlfriend (who lives, I hasten to add, in another country) or do I write it off as a non-starter and wish things were different? I sent him a text a few days back asking if he wanted to go out for coffee and he has not replied; I don't know if that's because of a lack of signal (so he might not have got the text) or a reply in its own right. Am I heading for a fall if I ask him where we stand? I thought we were getting along great but there hasn't been anything concrete to suggest he's interested in me, really. I'd rather not have things get awkward but I only have to see him a handful more times if it all goes weird so what is the best course? Apathy or action?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: bbq on 25 May 2009, 15:35
So I really like this girl, and believe I have already mentioned this. She's a pretty close friend. We'll call her A.

She has a boyfriend. We won't mention him again, though he seems like a pretty ok guy.


I also really like this other girl, who is, like, my closest friend, and I'm the only person she tells everything. Or so she says. She's kinda seeing a guy I hate atm. He isn't a pretty ok guy, but I guess we get along ok. We'll call her B.

I like A waay more than B, but I was totally obsessed with B for about a year and a half. I didn't realize this till afterwards though, weirdly.

One of A's closest friends, who I met about 3 months ago or something, and who I get along with pretty well, but haven't know long enough to call a close friend (lets call her C) is 'in love' with me, apparently. C is also friends with B, and A and B think I am leading C on, even though me and C talk about this quite a lot and we both know we aren't.

Then someone who we will call D, who is really good friends with B, and quite good friends with C, is also, 'in love', with me, apparently. Or so she told me. She is also one of my closest friends.  :|

I'm not looking for any advice on what to do. I just want to know if this is possible to express in a 2 dimensional shape, eg love triangle etc.

Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Dazed on 25 May 2009, 15:43
Barmymoo, I would advise action. In my opinion, very little will just fall into your lap; action is almost always the best course of, well, action. If things get awkward, well, you can either work through it and forget about it, or just not have to see him again and move on.

Go! Be proactive! Fortune favors the bold, and all that.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lines on 25 May 2009, 15:46
I'm not looking for any advice on what to do. I just want to know if this is possible to express in a 2 dimensional shape, eg love triangle etc.

Love rhombus! (Love rectangle, square, parallelogram, quadrilateral, and rectangle just don't have the same ring as love rhombus.)
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: bbq on 25 May 2009, 15:49
Well I'd go for rhombus, but I'm in involved in it too.  :-P

If you count the two boyfriends, that's 7 people. We're gonna have to go 3-dimensional here. Any help?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lines on 25 May 2009, 15:56
Then that'd be a heptagon.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: bbq on 25 May 2009, 16:04
Well yes, almost. But

My point, G, needs to lead to A and B.

A needs to lead to  E (boyfriend).

B needs to lead to F (person she is seeing).

C needs to lead to G.

D needs to lead to G.

So we can't really have a heptagon, because it isn't the classic problem of A to B to C to D etc.

of course, this is without factoring in friendships.  :|  Is this even a possible shape? Damn my love life.. Could we graph it or something?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lines on 25 May 2009, 16:06
Draw a heptagon and label each point A-G and then draw lines connecting them! Or a circle with 7 points and connect those! It's not that hard!
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: bbq on 25 May 2009, 16:14
Ah why didn't I realize that.

(http://img33.imageshack.us/img33/4643/heptagon.png)

It's not very good, but there it is.  :-D
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: StaedlerMars on 25 May 2009, 17:51
this thing

So on pursuing this thing, I was waiting to meet up with her again, but last night she sent me a facebook wall post with her number, so I'm thinking wooyakasha. I'm thinking this is kinda rad and moving in the right direction.

Cheers guys.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: onewheelwizzard on 26 May 2009, 03:30
So wait, you didn't even actually need to ask?  Excellent!

You guys should hang out and discover why you are both really awesome people (because there will be a lot there to discover, I have found that there basically always is).
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: McTaggart on 26 May 2009, 04:52
Clearly if you remove G it all becomes much neater.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Inlander on 26 May 2009, 06:36
She might just be attracted to you as a friend, though.

Which is still a win.

Unless she's a horrible, horrible person, in which case try not to become friends with her.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: bbq on 26 May 2009, 12:01
Clearly if you remove G it all becomes much neater.


Brilliant.

But a bit mean.  :-P
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Dimmukane on 26 May 2009, 15:44
Remember how I was trying to tread lightly earlier?  Someone started spreading dangerous rumors that are completely untrue which is causing several of my friends to stop talking to me, and I'm being followed by a completely unrelated crazy chick.  Close one can of worms, open up another.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Johnny C on 26 May 2009, 16:03
so, i have a feeling that when a girl says "we should exchange numbers!" after a few minutes of conversation she might be attracted to you.

ADDENDUM: this is after we hung out at a party, where talked a lot. she contacted me on the inernets.

this happens to me all the time and while it can mean something it can also mean exactly nothing
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: bbq on 27 May 2009, 02:42
So what does it mean when a girl invites you to parties and shit and asks you to get wasted with her (when you both know she gets very, uh, affectionate whilst wasted), even though she has a boyfriend?  :|

Ohh and I started talking to this girl who seems very nice (and very pretty), so wish me luck.  :-D
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: benji on 27 May 2009, 06:52
So what does it mean when a girl invites you to parties and shit and asks you to get wasted with her (when you both know she gets very, uh, affectionate whilst wasted), even though she has a boyfriend?  :|

Inviting you to a party is nothing. She might just want more people she knows at the party. I do that a fair amount. For example, if I have a friend from, say, work, who invites me to a party that's not work related and tells me I can invite other people too, then I will usually invite one or two friends just so I know at least a couple of other people besides the person who invited me.

If she wants to get drunk alone, that could mean she's looking for a less-guilty way to cheat on her boyfriend with you. If she's attracted to you, she could be trying to use drunkenness as an excuse to let something happen that would normally be out of the question because of her boyfriend. This is usually not a good situation and I recommend avoiding it.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: bbq on 27 May 2009, 08:01
Seeing as though the party is hosted by one of her best friends, and it is a party which is mainly people from her school/college (I go to a different school), I think plenty of her friends will be there.

I'd probably say the second option (not because I believe she's attracted to me, but because it's simply logical), and I think I'm going to avoid it by being sober, because sober me is far too awkward to have something like that happen. Oh and this is the first time I'm actually meeting her boyfriend so I'm gonna hope he's an alright dude and that I don't fuck it up.  :-D
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: benji on 27 May 2009, 08:10
Yeah, I would say she probably just wants to introduce you to her boyfriend then. If he's going to be there, you shouldn't read too much into the drinking.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: bbq on 27 May 2009, 08:13
Hmm, well she did specifically say 'sneak off together alone', but I'll take your word for it.  :-)

Remember this is 'high school' (or the english equivalent), and she knows I'm crazy about her, so are you really sure she'll just want to introduce me to her boyfriend?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: supersheep on 27 May 2009, 08:39
You don't bring the dude you want to cheat on your boyfriend with to a party your boyfriend is at. At least I'm pretty sure that is not how it works. Maybe she wants a threesome? (This is unlikely.)
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jace on 27 May 2009, 08:43
You're either going to be involved in a threesome, or you're going to get beat up by her boyfriend.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: bbq on 27 May 2009, 08:55
Guys we are 15  :-) As far as I am aware threesomes are not the norm.

But the point is I won't get beat up by her boyfriend, right? If I act sensibly... So my plan for the night is to act sensibly and just meet new people  :-D because I know nobody at this party apart from her.

Also i doubt her boyfriend could beat me up.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: benji on 27 May 2009, 10:09
we are 15

Remember before when you were looking for a name for this particular romantic entanglement? You've found it^
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: bbq on 27 May 2009, 10:32
Threesome? Or is there some joke I'm not getting here?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: benji on 27 May 2009, 10:40
I was proposing "we are 15."
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: bbq on 27 May 2009, 10:44
Ohh ok then. Our love heptagon think can be simplified though, we can remove B and F, I think.  :-D thus making a pentagon. Yay.

So you guys think - the best thing to do is just be chill? What if she asks me to go off drinking with her, what do I do?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Dazed on 27 May 2009, 10:54
Go off drinking with her, but don't be stupid. Contrary to some teenage belief, having a couple drinks doesn't completely remove your free will or ability to think. You're still responsible for your actions, so decide whether you like this girl enough to cuckold her boyfriend, or just reject her advances when/if they happen.                                                                                   
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: bbq on 27 May 2009, 11:00
Yeah, don't worry I am experienced enough with the drink.  :-D


Hmm, well I definitely like her enough to do that, but I won't. I mean, in the long term it'll be better, right? Just looking for reassurance cos in the short term, I'll be a bit pissed off with myself for not taking an opportunity (even though it's the right thing to do etc).
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: JimmyJazz on 27 May 2009, 18:08
Guys, I walked in on my girlfriend foolin' around with one of my good friends today...and I don't know what the fuck to do. I mean, I really feel like I'm in love with her, and we haven't had any major problems in our relationship recently, and we talk about everything and....ugh. @[email protected] Even worse, I've been friends with the guy since my freshman year of high school, and this kinda bullshit came straight out of the blue. When it happened, I broke down and screamed "What the FUCK?" several times before leaving and heading to my cousin's house. I turned my cell off, and haven't tried to contact either of 'em since. It's just really hard to even comprehend at the moment. Helped my cousin paint to try and get my mind off it, but that didn't help and he's off with HIS girlfriend at the moment, which although it isn't his fault makes me feel shittier. Seriously guys....what the hell do I do?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Kylos on 27 May 2009, 18:18
I, personally, would leave it a couple of days, just to let everything settle in everybody's minds. They can figure out what the fuck to do, and you can go in without all guns blazing. I'm not saying you should give her another chance, but if you're in love, you should at least talk it out and see if it can be resolved, as well as talking to your friend and seeing what the hell happened. Then again, sometimes it's easier to just cut the cord with the both of them.

Long story short. Leave it a few days, see if they try and get hold of you. If they do, I would leave it until you're ready to talk about it rationally.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: nobo on 27 May 2009, 19:39
Dump the girl, thank the guy for pointing out how much of a two-timer she is
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: ackblom12 on 27 May 2009, 19:44
Don't forget the cock punch afterwards.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Kylos on 27 May 2009, 19:45
Oh man, am I a wimp and a half.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: onewheelwizzard on 27 May 2009, 23:24
No, you're just reasonable and you make an effort to be emotionally intelligent.

Cutting the cord with these two people means that this is going to hurt for a long, long time.  If it hurts now, it's not going to stop hurting until you figure out why there isn't any reason for it to STILL hurt, and if you cut the cord with your friend and (now ex-, presumably) girlfriend, you're not going to figure that out, because there will ALWAYS be a reason for it to hurt, specifically, that it ended two relationships that presumably added goodness and joy to your life up until then.

In other words, this is going to all make sense and you're going to stop feeling hurt about it when you forgive both of them.

Now, this doesn't mean you need to tell them "it's OK that you guys did what you did, I'm OK with it, don't worry about me, blah blah blah."  That's not forgiveness.  Forgiveness is not saying "that shitty thing you did was actually no big deal."  There is nothing that is going to make this "no big deal."  It is clearly a big deal.  They have clearly done a really, really shitty thing.  Nothing is going to change the fact that they have fucked up, BIG time.

So what you need to do (after calming down enough to do it reasonably, and maybe letting some anger out in a safe way somewhere with a sledgehammer and some surplus computer equipment you find in a dumpster outside an office building or something) is (a) ask them what they were thinking and why they thought what they were doing was a good idea, both individually and apart (it'll be interesting to see if one of them holds themselves more responsible than the other), and then (b) adjust the story you've been telling yourself so far about your relationship so that it makes sense, because right now it doesn't, and that's what's causing you so much pain (you thought you had a good thing going, and then your trust gets flagrantly violated and a whole lot of cognitive dissonance starts happening because you thought she was into you and suddenly feel like you have to revise your opinion).

Trust me, there CAN come a point where this will make sense and you will be happy to say "you two fucked up big time, but people make mistakes, and as big as this one was, I'm deciding to make it a safe mistake for you two to make, so that you can be free enough from guilt to get down to the business of learning from it."  I'm not saying you somehow need to get to this point, but it'd be optimal.

Either way you'll probably end up staying single after talking to these two.  Continuing the relationship sounds like a pretty risky plan.  But considering this unforgivable is just deciding to be in pain about it for as long as you can remember it.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Masterbainter on 28 May 2009, 00:22
continuing is really not an option, unless you are okay with her doing this in the future.  If you are then great, go on with having a relationship with her.  But in a situation like this, if you let her pouty eyes pull you back into it more emotionally again... you will just end up hurt so much more the next time.  It would be rediculous to think there won't be a next time.  Even by some miracle there wasn't a next time, you'd always have it in the back of your head and any bit of little trouble you two have in the future will result in full out relationship fight.

You should eventually try to forgive like OWW suggests, but I highly suggest stay away from a relationship(even friendship) with her.  The reason I suggest not having a friendship with her is if you actually do feel as strongly about her as your posts shows, then a friendship with her will only drag out how long it will take you to recover from this.  You don't keep stabbing a fleshwound to make it heal faster.

I'm not sure what to tell you about your friend.  One part of me just wants to say he was doing what guys do.  Then another part of me knows that my good friend for the last 10 years of my life, never has done that and neither have I done that to him.  Even when givin chances at eachother's exes.

Ask your friend this,  "The next girlfriend you get, can I have a free pass at her?"  His repsonse if truthful to how he feels will help you understand what kind of friend he is.

Edit: wanted to add... you initial reaction of freaking out and leaving was a good choice FYI.  It was okay for you to show that you are upset and it was a really good choice to leave at that time.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: est on 28 May 2009, 02:03
You don't need to know what they were thinking about when they did it or any of that shit. They were thinking "it would be great to fool around with each other" and in doing so betrayed your trust that they wouldn't do so behind your back.  It is a fucked thing, and you don't need to forgive them for it.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: onewheelwizzard on 28 May 2009, 02:29
No, you don't need to forgive them.  But it will help.  Period.  It is a strictly better outcome because it relieves you of pain more completely (and, with luck, more quickly).

People are not so simple as to be entirely ruled by urges that basic.  Nobody ever gets to point of creating the situation JimmyJazz is in without SOME kind of thought process involved, it's not like a bolt of libido lightning struck and suddenly they were doing something that had never occurred to them before.  If JimmyJazz finds out:
(1) how long they've been attracted to each other
(2) how long they've each known the other was attracted to them
(3) how much they'd talked about it before doing it
(4) how long they've been doing it
(5) anything that made them hesitate first
(6) what made them go for it anyway
(7) what they though he'd think if he found out
(8 ) why they didn't talk to him about it instead/first
... and so on and so forth, I think he might find a few things in there that are at least worth knowing, if not necessarily reasons to stay in touch with them.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jace on 28 May 2009, 02:31
Beat the shit out of him while she is around, then, while you are naked and covered in his blood ask "IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED? IS IT?!"
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: est on 28 May 2009, 02:43
Man, I'm not gonna give someone that cheated on me some fucking bullshit questionnaire on their motives.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: est on 28 May 2009, 02:45
Cutting them both out of your life is A. the best way for you to forget about a pair of people who don't deserve your friendship anymore so you can get on with your life and B. the best way to punish them for betraying your trust.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: onewheelwizzard on 28 May 2009, 02:59
Neither of those goals actually lead to being happier, though.

If you forget about them, you've gained nothing new and you MIGHT get back some of what you lost.
If you punish them, you've gained nothing new and you haven't gotten anything back.

The idea that you might get something positive and unprecedented out of this event might seem a little weird, but it's nothing to give up on.

There is nothing bullshit about asking someone what they really wanted.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: est on 28 May 2009, 03:13
But I wouldn't care what they wanted.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: öde on 28 May 2009, 03:25
I almost fully agree with Joe on his advice, but I'd also tell him to ask them about his relationship with them both. It'll be really hard, and he'll probably find it excruciating trying to stay calm, but in the end he'll hopefully find at least some closure on what happened. Just cutting off huge ties to emotional and social well-being will leave most anyone angry and reeling, and eventually regretful.

Sorry about talking about you like you're not there, dude, it's just the easiest way to word things for me.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Barmymoo on 28 May 2009, 04:32
The problem with furious shouting and then cutting someone out of your life completely is that once the anger has subsided you're left with a sort of bereavement feeling because someone you once really cared about is gone, and you're no longer convinced that getting rid of them is necessarily the best thing. Bad things have a habit of wiping out the good things and souring the memories of them, so if it's possible to keep a fair distance without utterly wrecking your connection (particularly with your friend) then that might help you in the future. But I wouldn't advise asking them what they were thinking until all the dust has settled and you're not angry or upset any more, because you might hear some things that make you feel worse (or they might feel you're trying to punish them and get defensive).

But basically I guess the best advice is to do what you think will be best for you. Sod what they want, it's what they want that's made this happen in the first place.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: a pack of wolves on 28 May 2009, 04:37
That's good advice. Also, if you start asking a load of questions too soon you end up with the whole picking at a scab situation, you're not making things any better you're just making them worse but because you feel shitty you feel compelled to do it anyway. Mind you, I wouldn't wait until you're not at all angry or upset, that could take a long time. Just leave it until you've had a bit of time to get to grips with yourself and can think clearly about what you want to do.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: calenlass on 28 May 2009, 07:23
In my amateur forays into and multitudinous experiences with psychology, I would have to say that onwheelwizard is right about the forgiveness part. It took me a long time to finally lay to rest every demon raised by getting abruptly dumped by my last ex, and I don't know if I can ever be positive that I've finished with it completely, but I would say that at this point in my life I have reached that point of forgiveness, and I am a whole lot more content because of it. For a while it was like this hole or a monster inside trying to eat its way out and causing me pain and anguish that I really didn't know how to deal with. Getting to the point where I realised that it was ok to not care about him or what direction his life took or what he thought about me anymore or what our breakup said about me was incredibly freeing. My dad died when I was four years old, and I think one of the earliest lessons I learned was that nothing is static, that someday I'll be gone too, and that until then I would like to get the most out of my life with the fewest regrets. Forgiveness was a big step towards that for me.

That said, est is also right. You don't have to. And too, even if you do, you don't have to let them know about it. They have both betrayed you and violated your trust. You should feel angry and hurt and depressed and all that other stuff, and how long you decide to let that linger is also up to you. Some people are driven by the memory of things like this, and that is perfectly ok! as long as it doesn't impede whatever else you want out of life.



Also, onewheelwizard, I dunno if you meant it this way, but when you were talking about mistakes I kind of got the sense that "unintentional" or "accidental" was part of the implication. If that was the case I respectfully disagree, but if not sorry.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: benji on 28 May 2009, 07:55
I definately think you have a right to your anger, but keep in mind that anger is often more damaging to you then to the object of your anger. It can eat you up inside and make it harder for you to trust people going forward. I would say work towards forgiveness in the way that Calenlass suggests. You may not need to voice that forgiveness, but having it will be an emotional victory for you because it will allow you to let go of the enormous violence of this event. Forgiveness isn't about saying "let's be friends again," it's about accepting that what has happened has happened and moving on. Far too often, people who have failed to forgive things from old relationships carry that anger with them into new ones. This can cause enormous harm in your life, much more so then any continuing anger will hold in the lives of the people that hurt you.

How to go about forgiving is going to be different for different people. OWW clearly needs to know why before he can forgive, and if this is true for you, you can go ahead and try to figure out why. If the details of why aren't necessary for you, and especially if they would hurt you more, then you don't need to go through that process. Keep in mind that an honest answer to the reasons why might be painful. Many people who cheat do so, in part, because they are dissatisfied with their current relationship. If you'd rather not know about that, then don't find out.

Trust, however, is a separate matter. I would suggest that you have absolutely no need to trust either of these people again. You can let go of the emotional anger, but hold on to the intellectual knowledge that these people are untrustworthy. What this often leads to is a cordial but not terribly close relationship. I have this with one of my exes. We can encounter each other, exchange pleasantries, talk about how our lives are going, but we can't get beyond that because I still don't trust her to be honest with me. I don't see anything wrong with this. I'm not angry with her. I've forgiven her. I understand why she betrayed me. But she betrayed me and I have no reason to believe she wouldn't do so again.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Alex C on 28 May 2009, 10:54
Also, onewheelwizard, I dunno if you meant it this way, but when you were talking about mistakes I kind of got the sense that "unintentional" or "accidental" was part of the implication. If that was the case I respectfully disagree, but if not sorry.

This quote really sticks out for me because it can be very, very true. I got into the best relationship of my life by taking stock of things, looking at what I wanted and deciding that the feelings of one of my closest friends wasn't important enough to me to keep from taking a shot at a relationship I wanted. There really wasn't really any dishonesty or backpedaling involved, but it was still definitely a betrayal because I basically just came out and said "There's real chemistry here and I want you to quit dating him now". Hell, in a way, it was even worse than dishonesty because I didn't even really entertain the idea that there was a true way I could spare his feelings, I just decided his friendship was an acceptable loss if it came to that and that I'd rather not be sneaky about the whole thing. I'm not proud of what happened, but frankly, I don't really regret it considering the context of the situation; I cared about her more than I cared about him, period. We remain very good friends, but there's no denying the fact that it changed the parameters of our friendship. In fact, I really think it took the benefit of hindsight for him to really forgive me for it. If I had submarined the friendship over a short fling rather than a longterm relationship, I rather doubt we'd be on quite the same terms we're on now.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: calenlass on 28 May 2009, 11:12
anger


Anger is not damaging to a person. Anger is a healthy emotion, just like grief or joy or anything else. What can destroy you is how you react to it and deal with it.


I would really really like for just one person I ever talk to ever to understand the discrepancy. Everyone thinks being angry is terrible and we should avoid it because it doesn't help at all and it is destructive and can make you lose control and tear people apart! Anger is actually an adrenaline rush that can be pretty effective in motivating you to get that one goddamn thing that keeps going wrong done right, or to finally tell your lovey-dovey that one thing that they keep doing (flirting with their ex, or whatever) you actually can't stand! I guess most people are just kind of bad about things like keeping it impersonal when they are angry and sticking to the issue that caused the anger in the first place.

Summary: I like being angry sometimes.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Alex C on 28 May 2009, 11:17
I consider anger to be an underrated emotion. As Calenlass just pointed out though, the way that most people express it sucks pretty badly. For example, the superficial venting that some people espouse hits me as pretty limiting. It's never really done much for me and I've found that people who rely on outbursts as their only expression of anger tend to use such outbursts as a crutch. For example, this one asshole I know that basically says that he just "has to yell" sometimes because that's the only way he can deal with it. Of course it is; that's the only way he even tries to "control" himself anymore. I hate self-fulfilling prophecies.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: benji on 28 May 2009, 11:27
I agree that anger can be healthy, but I think we also have a tendency to hold on to our anger, and believe it works like some sort of weapon. Like if we're just mad enough for long enough then they'll be sorry. What I was getting at is that it doesn't really work that way. Dealing with your anger in a healthy way, letting it serve it's purpose, and then letting it go, is important. If you hold on to it for a long time, it stops serving any productive purpose and becomes very damaging to the person who is angry.

For example, I have 2 friends who used to date and who broke up under less then ideal circumstances. He's still pissed some 5 years later, and still can't hear her name mentioned in his presence. He might feel like this anger is still a useful weapon against her, but she's moved on. She's had several relationships since then and could probably care less that he's still mad at her. Meanwhile, he occasionally makes himself miserable over events 5 years in the past.

So I agree. Anger can be healthy if responded to correctly but forgiveness is important because it helps us put anger away when it is no longer useful and we need to move on.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Alex C on 28 May 2009, 11:31
I guess it depends on how you define forgive. Maybe some people just need to go through more elaborate mental rituals than I do before they cut an event/person out of their lives and get back to what they're doing. I guess my philosophy is closer to "Don't sweat the small stuff" than "Forgive and forget."
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: calenlass on 28 May 2009, 14:04
"Forgive and forget" is such a funny phrase. If you forget about what happened, how will you ever make sure not to let it happen again?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: JimmyJazz on 28 May 2009, 15:37
Thanks for the advice guys. After class today I vented through guitar and smashing an old desktop to Minor Threat, and feel slightly more calm. But still...I don't think I'm ready to confront them yet. Not even to just find out what happened. Forgiveness seems a long way away at this point, and yet I still feel like losing a connection with these two people would be devastating, even moreso than this. I didn't answer when both tried to call again, though I left a message on my friend's phone saying I'd like to talk with them this weekend. Hopefully by then I won't be so volatile, but I dunno. Today I was real bitchy to my cousin, even though he didn't bring up the incident at all.

But speaking of the weekend, asking what happened seems like the best idea at the moment. Dealing with where my relationship will go with them, blah, I don't think wanna think abotu it right now. Would it be best to talk to thwm about it then and there, or should I wait even more till some of the emotional bullshit has gone away?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Professor Snuggles on 28 May 2009, 16:08
Really the best thing to make you feel better is to go out and get drunk and fucc mad slutz.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Professor Snuggles on 28 May 2009, 16:09
Real talk.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Masterbainter on 29 May 2009, 00:41
Agreed.  When someone fucks you over its time to get drunk and bang bang bang.   Then you can think a little more clearly...


just make sure you wrap it.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: NeverQuiteGoth on 29 May 2009, 08:35
What's the best way to handle it when a girl you're dating (briefly, nowhere near the relationship stage) just randomly decides to up and start completely ignoring you?

I saw this girl a couple times, and it was going really well, I thought. (Several hours of topless make-outs. Saying she had a really good time when she kissed me goodnight.) And then I never see or hear from her again. Ignores my txts and my IMs and emails, no warning or explanation what so ever.

I mean, am I off base to expect a little courtesy? Even just a token "I changed my mind. Fuck off." would be fine by me.

Thoughts?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: benji on 29 May 2009, 08:58
Well, depending on how long it's been, some people think it's important to play this silly little "hard to get" game the first few days after a first date. I would suggest backing off a little, waiting a few days, and then giving her an actual phone call (novel, I know). If she's still ignoring you after that, then she probably isn't interested and you should just forget about it and move on.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: axerton on 29 May 2009, 09:05
or she could actually be really busy....
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: NeverQuiteGoth on 29 May 2009, 09:58
I'm only asking out of curiosity and for future reference. The girl I'm refering to, that was like seven weeks ago when it ended.

@axerton: No one is that busy.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Yunior on 29 May 2009, 10:26
What's the best way to handle it when a girl you're dating (briefly, nowhere near the relationship stage) just randomly decides to up and start completely ignoring you?

I saw this girl a couple times, and it was going really well, I thought. (Several hours of topless make-outs. Saying she had a really good time when she kissed me goodnight.) And then I never see or hear from her again. Ignores my txts and my IMs and emails, no warning or explanation what so ever.

I mean, am I off base to expect a little courtesy? Even just a token "I changed my mind. Fuck off." would be fine by me.

Thoughts?

I have done this a couple times. It is because I am a terrible person.

Really. Each time, I'll go back and reflect on it, and I'm like, "Why did I do that?" And I think, It is because you are a terrible person, Clara.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Yunior on 29 May 2009, 10:31
Realizing my post was not very good advice.

Usually it boils down to me being a terrible flake + terrified of commitment/intimacy. Dunno what is on your lady's mind, but that is what was on mine. I recommend moving on, and then in a little while, calling her out on it. You are not going to get an apology atm, because apologizing would require interaction. (I can apologize in her stead, if you prefer.)
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: NeverQuiteGoth on 29 May 2009, 12:00
I'm way over it. I just like to understand things.

Thank you Yunior, I hope you're right. I'd certainly like to think that the reason she fled was because she was afraid of falling for me, rather than because she just suddenly decided I was repulsive. Much kinder to my self-esteem.

Probably never know for sure, but what you said fits.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Avec on 29 May 2009, 18:00
So I was with my girlfriend today. When she first came over no one was home and we messed around in my room. Soon after, my entire family decided to come home at the same exact time, and even though they were pretty cool about it, my brother just told me he's buying me condoms. Do I thank him? Because I can't imagine things being any more awkward than the way they are.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: jmrz on 29 May 2009, 19:21
I would thank him once he gives them to you, I mean, either he was joking about it or actually looking out for you. Also, they are kind of useful to have.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Avec on 29 May 2009, 19:25
I know he cares, but it doesn't change the fact of how weird that was. Also, I have condoms.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: nobo on 29 May 2009, 20:03
for future reference. Target and Walmart have the cheapest condoms. about 5 or 6 dollars for a 12 pack.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: NeverQuiteGoth on 29 May 2009, 20:49
for future reference. Target and Walmart have the cheapest condoms. about 5 or 6 dollars for a 12 pack.

That's how my younger sister got pregnant. I was almost an uncle.

Please, don't buy discount condoms.  :roll:
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: nobo on 29 May 2009, 20:56
I didn't see any discount brands there, only trojan and durex, which I think are pretty reputable.

I think the discount brands are the weird lambskin ones you can buy at shady gas stations and 7-11s. I wouldn't recommend those either.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: mbb on 29 May 2009, 20:59
usually lambskin condoms are more expensive...weird.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Tyler on 30 May 2009, 01:13
sexxxxxxxxxxxx
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Barmymoo on 30 May 2009, 06:40
I've always found it disturbing that you can get free condoms from the reception desk at my college.

I mean, we're a small college. The receptionists know everyone by name, not to mention many of the parents. It's almost as awkward as the fact that you can get a free STI test from them... and they text you the results. "Hi from Student Services. You have chlamydia!".
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Avec on 30 May 2009, 06:48
I live right next to a hospital, and they give out free condoms.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: NeverQuiteGoth on 30 May 2009, 07:27
Okay, I have another question. This is a multi-faceted issue and IMO deserves a multi-faceted answer. In other words, this is NOT a yes-or-no question.

Anyway, somewhere along the line recently I must have decided that I wasn't going to spend any money on trying to meet a girl (IE dating site subscriptions and dates themselves, etc.), until I have my own money to spend.
I'm not there yet but I will be a professional machinima creator once I start turning a profit. Right now my dad is still supporting me.
So my question is, am I being silly? Is waiting until I have my own income (note: we're not talking financial independence here, that's a ways further off, like a couple years further off) to pursue romance really necessary? Or am I imposing a social restriction on myself that doesn't really exist?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: est on 30 May 2009, 07:42
Yes and no
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: est on 30 May 2009, 07:45
Ok, serious answer: depends.  Like, I think that you need to talk to your dad and find out how comfortable he is financing you and if he has any problem with you taking girls out on dates with the money he's providing you with.

If he is ok with it then why not?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: est on 30 May 2009, 07:48
Also: machinima is that animation/game app thing, right?  People make money from that?  How?  I am curious but also skeptical.  Like, if you are using it to learn more about animation techniques or film techniques or something and hoping to get a career in gaming or professional animation then that is one thing, but I wouldn't have thought there'd be much in the way of professional prospects for machinima creators?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Eris on 30 May 2009, 07:48
How long do you think it will be until you start making a profit out of it? Do you think you can potentially go that long without finding a lady?


I don't really get what you are asking, because you have already made the decision to do this, and the internet saying "man you are stupid, spend money you don't have on fuckin' okcupid already" is going to change yourmind.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: NeverQuiteGoth on 30 May 2009, 07:54
@est

Me and my dad are pretty cool. I already know that he is fine with financing me (so long as I promise not to become a bum and rely on him indefinitely lol) or with me going on dates (or bringing them home). We have a very roommate-ish thing goin'.

He's not the issue at all. It's me. I guess what I want to know is, is there any validity to the feelings of inadequacy I have because I'm still on allowance even though I'm almost 20?


@Eris

I haven't made the decision. This is just something I've caught myself doing.
Anyway, I'm not sure, anywhere between 2 and 4 months, I think. And can I go that long? Well obviously. Do I want to? Hell no. I haven't had sex in a year and all I have had is a smattering of bad dates.
I just want to know if I'm justified in handicapping myself or if my self-impossed isolation is folly.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: est on 30 May 2009, 08:03
On the one hand there is something uh, decent(?) about not wanting to go on dates and such until you can support yourself, but on the other hand so long as you are not buying $300 bouquets of flowers and stupid shit like that then there is no harm in taking ladies out on dates either.

If you can find yourself a decent kind of gal who doesn't need to be showered with gifts every date/week to know you feel for her then you should be fine, and honestly if you try dating a girl and she is uppity about you not having much cash then it's her problem, not yours.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: NeverQuiteGoth on 30 May 2009, 08:43
That's me. Decent. I'm so decent in fact that I have a bad habit of opening with the stuff most people like to lie about. Like my lack of income.  :roll:

Its not that big of a problem because as soon as a girl reveals herself as that kind of whore, I'm all, "BuhBye." Like you said, her problem not mine.


As a sidebar:
I realized something else.
I have a standing policy of no sex outside a committed relationship (because I don't want to be used for one, and for another, because my OCD doesn't let me get intimate with anyone I don't implicitly trust.)
Then I realized that I define a "committed relationship" as "exclusive sex" which basically means I can only have sex with someone I'm already having sex with, creating a ridiculous bootstrap-problem, making me celibate without me ever wanting or deciding to be.
*facedesk*


And back to the first issue:
I worry than even the decent girls will be put off by my parental-financial-situation. Should I be?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: iamiam on 30 May 2009, 09:03
you won't know until you date them
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Alex C on 30 May 2009, 11:55
Keep in mind that at 19 a lot of people's financial status and life goals are in a state of flux. I've been out of high school for very nearly a decade now and my "big accomplishment" so far has mostly been to avoid crippling levels of debt. That's hardly amazing, but it also doesn't make me much different from millions of other perfectly nice people out there. Believe me when I say that you still have some wiggle room here to put yourself out there without every decent woman on earth thinking "This dude is just a parasite". It's admirable to put obligations ahead of things that "merely" make you happy, but I don't think foregoing dating is really all that realistic or healthy, particularly since you're relying on your father regardless of whether you date or not. I do think you should get at least a part time job though. I say that not as a comment about your machina goals, but just as a general observation that your financial situation is bringing you down. In my admittedly limited experience, it's a lot easier to manage your time than it is to manage frustration and self-doubt. Being stretched for time sucks, but it beats the pants off of feeling inadequate.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: StaedlerMars on 30 May 2009, 17:40
There's a lot of really helpful and supportive people on these boards. Just saying.

So update on cute girl I used to continuously run into. Last night, through communication over the phone, we had meant to go see Boys Noize but we failed at getting tickets. So instead I organized a barbecue type situation with a bunch of my friends, and she came and hung out with us. Then later we went out and I invited her along and she came. We ended up in a friend's flat and were there watching silly cartoons until 5 in the morning. Then we both walked to our separate homes.

This is good signs right? Or am I heading for the 'just friends' thing?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: est on 30 May 2009, 18:04
Did you offer to walk her home?  If so, what was the reply/exchange like?  Even if her place is just around the corner, sometimes you can use the offer to walk her home as a way to show her you're interested, and how she replies is kind of indicative of her thoughts on that.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: StaedlerMars on 30 May 2009, 18:17
Yeah see, that's the part I was hitting myself over. We kinda just hugged and went separate ways. I was a bit out of it, cause of the time / drugs, and it didn't cross my mind until like a minute afterward.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: onewheelwizzard on 30 May 2009, 18:24
I think that now is a good time to start asking her what she's doing in the afternoons or evenings via text message.  If you send the message "I like the idea of hanging out with you whenever we get the chance," that's ... well, to be fair, it's probably the most accurate way of expressing your feelings right now in any case.  If you make a reasonably regular effort to keep in touch with her and make sure the two of you don't miss opportunities to hang out with each other while doing something you both enjoy, that's basically the best possible approach (in my opinion) towards expanding your shared interests to include each other, and that's what makes a successful start to a relationship, so if I were you, I'd handle the situation from here on out by trying to make a reasonably consistent effort to let her know whenever you're doing anything interesting, or offer to create something interesting to do with her if there's nothing going on, whenever opportunities for either arise.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: est on 30 May 2009, 19:14
Dang, I hate those moments.  I wouldn't sweat it, there's gonna be plenty more opportunities to let her know you're interested.  I kind of agree with Joe in that you should definitely make an effort to invite her along when you're gonna be doing something interesting/fun, but I don't know about the whole finding out what she's doing in the afternoons/evenings thing.  Not sure if I have an accurate gauge on your relationship with her at the moment, but to me it seems a bit too full on for now?  If you invite her out to fun things and she starts doing the same before you can let her know you're interested then that's probably a decent enough sign in itself.

The key thing though if you are worried about falling into just-friends territory is to make a move so she knows you're into her.  Like, I am not saying that you just come out with it or anything like that but girls aren't mind-readers either.  If you start hanging out with her a lot and you don't make your intentions clear at an appropriate time then she will probably just think you're looking for a friend.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: NeverQuiteGoth on 31 May 2009, 01:04
@Alex C

That's really good advice.
I still can't bring myself to throw away $150 for the freakin' chemistry.com subscription, though.  :-(
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Ballard on 31 May 2009, 02:16
Correct me if I'm wrong but I've always thought of dating sites as being marketed towards people in their late 20s/early 30s or divorcees/widowers in their middle age who have lost their dynamic social circles and don't really have any other way to meet potential partners.

If you're twenty years old, you don't need a dating site subscription. Just put yourself out there and meet people!
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: NeverQuiteGoth on 31 May 2009, 06:01
don't really have any other way to meet potential partners.
Exactly.

Quote
Just put yourself out there and meet people!
Right. 'cause that's worked so well. I am so tired of hearing this bullshit. Its empty words at their worst.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Eris on 31 May 2009, 06:15
Well if I remember correctly, you asked us for suggestions of things to do to meet people and all that, and then shot down every single suggestion we gave. Bullshit or not, the point still stands that getting out into the world means you're going to meet more people and maybe find something in common with one of them and attraction be added to the mix.


I guess doing the dating site thing is what you want to do, so do it, but you will be doing what most people do, just in the comfort of your own home. You will be putting yourself out there and hoping to find someone interesting and get to know people, just like going to a pub and talking to the cute girl who seems a little interested.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Sox on 31 May 2009, 06:38
It's the easiest thing to say if you're a social dynamo though. It's kinda like being able to say "It's easy to support yourself, just get a job!".
Strictly speaking, it is true, but the chances are the person you're suggesting it to has tried that approach and is getting increasingly frustrated with the same attitudes over and over.
While 'get out there and meet people' is a great summary, on it's own it's pretty useless to a person who is clearly getting quite agitated with their circumstances. It's not really advice unless you tell somebody how to accomplish it. It's like telling a man to fish for his dinner, then not telling him how. He's never gonna catch a fish.
Unfortunately, the easiest way to meet new people and make new friends...
...is to have friends.
Friends are pretty useful as a social tool when you want to meet new people. Unfortunately, if you don't know anybody, it gets a lot tougher.
Other good ways to meet new people are to be attractive or charismatic. But again, if you're suffering from 'lonely person who needs to meet people' syndrome you're likely not either of those things. Two more things right there that are easier if you already have friends and the know-how.

I'm going to offer some advice.
Join a dating site, they work for an awful lot of people. Find an activity or sport you like too, join a club. I think your dad would support that financially if you explained it was to become happier as a person and meet new people with a common interest. Stick around, chat to people. Ask about stuff. Once people see you're interested in their lives, they'll probably warm up to you. Extending your network of friends is one of the best ways to meet new people and meeting new people is a good way of meeting girls.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: nobo on 31 May 2009, 06:49
Instead of paying to try dating sites, try the women seeking men section on craigslist, or put up your own personal ad, i believe its free. I think dating websites like match.com and chemistry.com are geared towards older people, like young professionals, who no longer have a high school or college atmosphere to take advantage of. You won't find too many girls 18-21 there who aren't looking for older guys.

Also, don't be so negative all the time. if what you're doing isn't working, it doesn't hurt to take someone's advice and just put yourself out there. Sure you'll have to deal with some rejections and setbacks, but its better and more proactive than sitting at a computer wondering why some girl hasn't responded to your messages. 

edit: I think Sox hit it right on the head with the club joining idea.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: NeverQuiteGoth on 31 May 2009, 08:57
@Eris

Yes, and despite that, you're still feeding me the same bullshit. How many times do I have to...

Also, there's no such thing as a pub.  :x (for all intents and purposes of this discussion anyway)


@Sox

Thank you so much for making that point for me, because I've been slapped in the face with that crap Ballard and Eris said so many times I don't think I could have responded calmly, as you have. Thank you.

And you're right about friends, too. The problem is, I don't really have any. I mean sure there are a couple of people who'll call me once or twice a month if they need an extra body, but I'm an afterthought. This has been the case since high school pretty much and I've never met any new people that way. But, they're not really my friends.
For the most part, I have social contacts on the level of someone who's just moved in from a foreign country, even though I've lived where I do pretty much all my life.

Hence why I have joined several dating sites. Even subscribed to some of the cheaper ones like SoulGeek. I just haven't gone "active" in my search because of the reasons I've stated in previous posts (financial situation etc.).
As for joining a club, I would really like to do something like that, but the problem is there simply aren't any such things. Let alone any involving any of my interests. Or if there are, my years(yes, years) of searching haven't turned them up (quite possible), and I have no way of discovering them.
Your advice is good, but I'd have to have a network of friends in order to be able to expand it.

@nobo

*takes a moment to keep from flying into a rage at having to repeat himself AGAIN*
deep breath deep breath not nobo's fault deep breath deep breath

Okay, I'm good.
I've done the craigslist thing to death. Its worse than useless. Maybe is just my region but craigslist is just not a viable option.
Quote
young professionals, who no longer have a high school or college atmosphere to take advantage of
IE, me. Not that the scholastic atmosphere ever did me any good.

I'm not negative all the time, and as Sox pointed out, I'd love to take someone's advice and put myself out there, but I've yet to actually get any real advice on that particular matter. I'm not a moron. I can list the cliche social spots as easily as you can. All the stuff that occurs to you in the minutes after reading my post I've had years to brood over, and what's occured to you has probably already occured to me.
Given that, and given that I'm still asking for advice, it should be obvious that I don't want to hear more of those same tired, mass-produced tidbits of so-called wisdom.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: supersheep on 31 May 2009, 09:17
If years of reflection has not let it occur to you what you should be doing, and everyone's suggestions are useless, maybe this thread is not the place to solve your problems.

Or maybe you are being a dick?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Barmymoo on 31 May 2009, 09:28
I think the idea of "putting yourself out there" doesn't necessarily have to mean doing new things, joining clubs or even going to new places. Everyone goes somewhere at some point, even if it's just shopping or to the doctors, and there are always other people there. If you are looking to make new friends (I won't pretend to believe that your local grocery shop will be full of attractive young single girls waiting to be chatted up because mine sure isn't) then try striking up casual conversation whilst waiting in a queue, even if it's just to comment on the weather or how long it's taking the cashier to scan the items. It can be really awkward and embarassing doing this at first (I hated having to make small talk when I started my job) but the practice comes in handy, and when you're talking to strangers you'll never see again then it doesn't matter if you hate them or they think you're crazy or whatever. On the other hand if you get along with them ok, and see them again a few times in the same situation, then it might lead to meeting people.

I guess my advice is to think about where you go in your everyday life, and try to talk to at least one new person in one of those places. Don't set yourself a goal of making a new friend or getting a girlfriend, just start sending out social feelers and it might lead to eventually finding someone awesome.

If you don't think this will work, please just don't follow it. I'm not pretending to have all the magic answers but you could possibly start by not being rude to people when they are trying to help, even if they're miles off base in your opinion.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jimmy the Squid on 31 May 2009, 09:34
Also sounds like you don't want to move out of your comfort zone even a little to try and do anything or meet anyone. Would you like to expand on what your interests are? You say there is nothing in your area that is a viable option, maybe someone else can help find something that you might have overlooked?

As it stands we don't know you from Adam and are hence forced to speak in broad and general terms. Acting like an insufferable fuckwit isn't going to get you advice more helpful than "you're a wanker" and based on your posts thus far might be an indication of why you don't have many friends.
Yes I am being a cock to you even though no one should ever be a cock to a stranger but you've really shown very little interest in taking any of the responses or suggestions (general though they are) into consideration and you seem to be just shooting them down as soon as they are suggested. If you don't want any actual advice (again keeping in mind that we don't know you that well and so can't give you any kind of tailormade advice) then you might want to try the blog thread instead.

Also libraries are good places to meet people in. They're quiet, indoors (which I know you'd like) and there is conversation material all over the actual shelves. There is also the added bonus that if you can't find anyone to talk to then at least you'll be able to find a good book.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: nobo on 31 May 2009, 09:42
@nobo

*takes a moment to keep from flying into a rage at having to repeat himself AGAIN*
deep breath deep breath not nobo's fault deep breath deep breath

I'm starting to see why you're having trouble dating. If you act IRL like you act in this thread then you're bound to be single for a very long time.

That said, try speed dating.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Dazed on 31 May 2009, 10:03
I'm not a moron. I can list the cliche social spots as easily as you can. All the stuff that occurs to you in the minutes after reading my post I've had years to brood over, and what's occured to you has probably already occured to me.

Ok, then try helping yourself and stop being a twat to people who are trying to help you.

Seriously, you're fucking 19 years old, and every time someone suggests something you say that you've done it to death and it doesn't work. So, here's a suggestion: realize for a second that you're young and the sum total of your experience is not quite so vast as your poor tortured brain has made it out to be. Those things that don't work? Try them again. If they don't work that time, try them again. Keep trying them, because maybe you'll get lucky and things will work out for you. But don't just be a snappy dick to everyone who suggests things to you, particularly when you come asking for help with little to no context.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: NeverQuiteGoth on 31 May 2009, 10:14
@nobo
Look, this isn't even the subject I inquired upon. Someone else brought it up, and yes, I'm acting like a dick, but I only have one pet peeve and THIS is it. This exact conversation. So, no I don't tend to act like this, except when this same bullshits is started for the zillionth time.

@supersheep
You're probably right, but if that's your opinion, suggestions would be more helpful than insults.

@Barmymoo
Good advice, but also something I already try to do (and fail miserably at).

@Jimmy The Squid
Maybe it sounds that way, but it isn't. Maybe someone else can help me find something I overlooked, that would be awesome, but who? You? My pathetic excuse for a social circle? My sister's imaginary friend?
I realize I'm coming across as an insufferable fuckwit, really, but so would you if you've been through this same forsaken conversation so many times, and gotten only insults instead of suggestions, and yet more insults when you complain about the lack of suggestions. I don't even care that you guys are throwing insults. I probably deserve them. Whatever.
All I ask is that if you're going to insult me, follow it with an actual suggestion so you don't come across as a hypocrite.

@Dazed
Repeating myself again. This wasn't even the subject I inquired upon. And I'm going to ignore your ageist bigotry.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Barmymoo on 31 May 2009, 10:29
We weren't insulting you, we were giving you advice. The insults originated from you and were reciprocated.

I don't think you really need to be told any of the things people have been suggesting, you don't come across as utterly stupid so you will have already thought of what are basically fairly simple ideas. There isn't a magic solution to being single, I have been single for over two years (I'm a little younger than you are) so I can't even tell you how I found my significant other because there isn't one.

Back to your initial point about finance, I don't think you need to worry. If you yourself feel inadequate about something, anything at all, then it could affect your relationships with people but on an objective level, not having your own income does not make you less attractive unless the person you are pursuing is mercenary and shallow.

I would suggest that there isn't much more useful that anyone can say to you, so we maybe should move onto a new topic. I'm sorry if you think you've been insulted; I do just want to say that Dazed wasn't being a bigot when he said that you're only nineteen, people do change over time and new experiences alter the way you react to things. I know that I'm a very different person now than I was two years ago, and I'm equally sure that I'll be different again in another two.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: ackblom12 on 31 May 2009, 10:34
Well, I don't know if I'd say it's necessarily mercenary and shallow. It is nice having someone with a solid financial ground so you know there will be no leeching, but at 19 this is unlikely to be a as big of an issue as it would be later in life.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Dazed on 31 May 2009, 10:51
@Dazed
I'm going to ignore your ageist bigotry.

Alright, whatever man. I guess implying that by age 19 you haven't experienced enough to be world-weary and despairing of having exhausted all conventional options makes me a bigot.

Oh, and yeah, finances will be more or less important depending on the relationship and the person, but for the most part shouldn't be that big a deal.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: iamiam on 31 May 2009, 10:56
uh so... if your goal is to meet somebody (since you have no friends and thus are starting from scratch)...

then what solution do YOU propose that does not involve 'going out there and meeting people'?

please tell me because i am a social recluse, and i dislike pretty much everybody.  if there is a way for me to meet the awesome man of my dreams without first having to go through the effort of chatting up a bunch of idiots then i am very interested in such a scheme.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: NeverQuiteGoth on 31 May 2009, 11:03
Quote
There isn't a magic solution to being single,
I never asked for one.

Quote
i am a social recluse, and i dislike pretty much everybody.  if there is a way for me to meet the awesome man of my dreams without first having to go through the effort of chatting up a bunch of idiots then i am very interested in such a scheme.
Amen.
But that's not what I asked about, but since that's what everybody seems to want to talk about, how about I hand off my torch to you?

Seriously, I pass the torch to iamiam, 'cause my question has pretty much been answered. There seems to be a consensus that I am placing more worry on my financial situation than I should be, so I'll go and try to worry less and everybody can get back to their favorite subject and try to answer iamiam's post.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: iamiam on 31 May 2009, 11:30
yeah uh my point was the only way to meet neat people is to suffer through annoying people and awkward situations on the way.  there is no easy solution.

i used to be like you when i was like, 14.  then i got over myself and grew up.  now i am actually a very lovely girl who has no trouble meeting people at all.

what a cinderella story right?  i wonder how i managed it.  maybe i have magic powers or something.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: iamiam on 31 May 2009, 11:31
magic powers of sexiness
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: KvP on 31 May 2009, 11:39
Don't listen, Mai is gross.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: pwhodges on 31 May 2009, 11:56
And you're right about friends, too. The problem is, I don't really have any. I mean sure there are a couple of people who'll call me once or twice a month if they need an extra body, but I'm an afterthought.

In my experience there are very rarely people who are just  "friends", by which I mean that there will normally be a definite common interest, hobby, activity, etc.  Which is why the suggestion of clubs or societies related to your interests and activities keeps coming up.  If there really, really is nothing of that sort within easy reach, then perhaps you need to use the Internet to find groups that you can correspond with, but which are based close enough for you to be able to make occasional visits to for special meetings, say (public libraries may have good information about these things, too; well, they do in the UK).  Alternatively start planning how to move to somewhere that will suit you better.

In any case, remember that it is not essential to get into a relationship by any particular age, so there's no need to beat yourself up over it - I didn't get beyond your present stage until I was several years older than you are now.

Oh, and the money thing - I would not expect a parent to dictate completely how you spend the money he supports you with.  Some of it will be pocket money, though I guess he would expect you to use it prudently.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Zingoleb on 31 May 2009, 12:22
your ageist bigotry.

This part right here made me laugh, hard. You are YOUNG, man. And you're older than me.

At this point it sounds like instead of accepting the fact that you are young and don't know everything, you will just call someone an 'ageist bigot'. Amusing.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Professor Snuggles on 31 May 2009, 13:02
Not Quite Goth, don't take this the wrong way, but are you fat? Do you have bad skin? Would you say you own more books with or without pictures? What are you looking for in a woman? You have principles about sex; have you ever had sex before? Are these principles arbitrary? Where do you live that all of these things people suggest are impossible? What do you actually like to do?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: pwhodges on 31 May 2009, 13:15
a way for me to meet the awesome man of my dreams without first having to go through the effort of chatting up a bunch of idiots

Don't be so sniffy; not everyone who isn't the man of your dreams is an idiot, and those "idiots" may be his friends through whom you meet him.  Anyway, the way life is, when you meet the right man he is very likely to be not  the man you dreamed of, but someone quite different in ways that you hadn't previously conceived of.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: calenlass on 31 May 2009, 13:39
So my dude friends were discussing (again) today how guys assess every [non-related] female on a fuckability scale, and how girls inevitably assign guys to one of two separate lists or categories, those being "Potential Romantic Interests" and "Just Friends".

While this is probably true in most cases, it is really annoying to have to hear about it so much! So maybe boys should learn to be okay with being just friends, maybe, because being single is NOT A HORRIBLE PRISON SENTENCE*. Also, maybe girls should learn to put out more.


*This is another thing that bugs me, but I will save it for another post.



(The moral of the story is that sometimes I fuck my just-friends.)
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: nobo on 31 May 2009, 14:08
I think guys just make a "I'd do her" or "I wouldn't do her" decision about every female they see. I think its more binary than a rating scale.

Also, I would add "avoid this creep" as one of the categories girls assign to guys.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: NeverQuiteGoth on 31 May 2009, 15:08
are you fat?
No.
Do you have bad skin?
Yes.
Would you say you own more books with or without pictures?
Without.
What are you looking for in a woman?
A best friend and an eager, exclusive sexual partner.
have you ever had sex before?
Yes.
Are these principles arbitrary?
Probably. (I'm OCD. They're not principles. They're symptoms.)
Where do you live?
Almost exactly half-way between San Fransisco and Sacramento.
What do you actually like to do?
Sleep. Fuck. Eat. Read. Write. Machinimate. Watch movies. Draw hentai. Drive around in the middle of the night when the roads are empty. Practice with my Katana. ...


...



Or were you being rhetorical.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: iamiam on 31 May 2009, 16:09
a way for me to meet the awesome man of my dreams without first having to go through the effort of chatting up a bunch of idiots

Don't be so sniffy; not everyone who isn't the man of your dreams is an idiot, and those "idiots" may be his friends through whom you meet him.  Anyway, the way life is, when you meet the right man he is very likely to be not  the man you dreamed of, but someone quite different in ways that you hadn't previously conceived of.

you realize i was just making fun and not being serious,  right?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: pwhodges on 31 May 2009, 16:30
you realize i was just making fun and not being serious,  right?

Yeah - but my attempt to carry it on clearly misfired...
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Sox on 31 May 2009, 17:09
if there is a way for me to meet the awesome man of my dreams without first having to go through the effort of chatting up a bunch of idiots then i am very interested in such a scheme.

Hi (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boeing_737-300), my name is Darryl.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: NeverQuiteGoth on 31 May 2009, 17:11
I, uh, what kind of OCD symptoms do you get about sex?
I'm imagining it's something like "even amount of thrusts/minute" but that sounds a little ridiculous

LOL that would be awkward, but no, its contaminents. I have to know there are no STDs, and I have to know every single place she's been and thing she's touched since her last shower, as well as every where every single person she's touched has been since their last shower. Etc.
I can overcome it if I trust the person with my life, but that's only been one person so far.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Sox on 31 May 2009, 17:15
*snip*

Hi (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boeing_737-300), my name is Darryl.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: StaedlerMars on 31 May 2009, 17:27
@Never Quite Goth, I'm sorry, OCDness about sex sounds like it would suck.

On my adventures in the land of relationships, I've been doing what onewheelwizard (joe) and est (?) have been saying, and so far she has shown up at everything I've told her I was up to (well, what I did today), and we + friends have had fun times. Thing is, tomorrow is basically the last time I'm in Edinburgh for the summer, so I feel like somehow I have to make it clear to her that I'm interested. I'm thinking of just telling her something along the lines of 'hey, I've been really enjoying hanging with you, and I was thinking maybe that when I come back we could see more of eachother?' and kinda hope for the best.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Eris on 31 May 2009, 17:38
What you are suggesting sounds like a good plan. You are showing interest, but still leaving it open.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: ViolentDove on 31 May 2009, 17:39
Okay, I have another question. This is a multi-faceted issue and IMO deserves a multi-faceted answer. In other words, this is NOT a yes-or-no question.

Anyway, somewhere along the line recently I must have decided that I wasn't going to spend any money on trying to meet a girl (IE dating site subscriptions and dates themselves, etc.), until I have my own money to spend.
I'm not there yet but I will be a professional machinima creator once I start turning a profit. Right now my dad is still supporting me.
So my question is, am I being silly? Is waiting until I have my own income (note: we're not talking financial independence here, that's a ways further off, like a couple years further off) to pursue romance really necessary? Or am I imposing a social restriction on myself that doesn't really exist?

Why don't you get a part-time job?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: nobo on 31 May 2009, 18:19
thing is, tomorrow is basically the last time I'm in Edinburgh for the summer, so I feel like somehow I have to make it clear to her that I'm interested.

how bout something along the lines of "you're one of the coolest people i've met here in edinburgh, lets keep in touch". that way you're not putting her on the spot, and you can further your friendship along through email/phone, see if a spark develops, and start things up when you come back to edinburgh? 
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jimmy the Squid on 31 May 2009, 18:28
I don't know, sounds like there is already a spark. Also being a bit more up front than "let's keep in touch" is probably a good idea as, to me at least, "let's keep in touch" doesn't really sound like you're interested.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jimor on 31 May 2009, 18:31
Almost exactly half-way between San Fransisco and Sacramento.

That either puts you in the town I was born, or the one I grew up in (I'm in Sac now).

I guess I have something relevant for the thread.

Through my recent involvement in the local music scene, I've met a girl, a really talented singer. So I've been to a few of her shows now, and we've talked, mostly relating to my access cable show and her possibly being on it.

So it's usually shop talk, and I'm trying to keep it professional and non-creepy ("Hey, baby, I'm a TV producer, wanna be famous!"  :mrgreen: ). She's always friendly and sweet, but I recognize that as a performer in public, there's always a mask on (I have several writer friends and I've seen them when they're "on" at a signing for example). It's not like it would be Jekyl/Hyde, just that she's emphasizing the best side.

Well, as oblivious as I usually am, I think I'm detecting some signals. The most obvious being a couple of "we should hang out" comments, but a few other things like extra hugs at the shows, and one time when another performer was playing, I could kinda tell out of the corner of my eye that she was looking at me a lot. That and a bit of good-natured teasing on a couple of things.

So I'm definitely going to follow up on the hanging out bit and see how it develops. It might all just be that I've been put in the safe "just-friends" category and is just pulling me more into her world, and I'm fine with that, she's really cool. There's also the possibly working together angle, so I don't want to do anything stupid in making assumptions just yet.

But yeah.  :|
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: est on 31 May 2009, 19:49
I'm thinking of just telling her something along the lines of 'hey, I've been really enjoying hanging with you, and I was thinking maybe that when I come back we could see more of each other?' and kinda hope for the best.

So you're gonna be gone for like, three months?  Am I reading that right?  In any case, I think your plan is pretty good so long as it doesn't turn the situation into something that you both romanticise over the break only to find out it's something different when you get back.  Is there a way to visit her over the break in some way, and if not then a way of keeping in contact somehow?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: est on 31 May 2009, 19:52
Also Jimor it sounds like you've got the situation well in hand.  I'd just take her up on her offers to hang out, make some of your own and see how things progress.  If there's an opening to make a move then do it non-aggressively and see what happens from there.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: McTaggart on 31 May 2009, 23:05
Hey NQG, you're in the middle of wine country. Be happy!
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: michaelicious on 31 May 2009, 23:20
Maybe he is sXe?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: MrBlu on 31 May 2009, 23:25
Probably. (I'm OCD. They're not principles. They're symptoms.)

I, uh, what kind of OCD symptoms do you get about sex?

I'm imagining it's something like "even amount of thrusts/minute" but that sounds a little ridiculous
I'd tell you mine, but I'm still a virgin. Knowing my own symptoms, I would imagine that I'd have to do the "thrusts in sets of 4" thing.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: NeverQuiteGoth on 31 May 2009, 23:39
Hey NQG, you're in the middle of wine country. Be happy!

My OCD keeps me from consuming any mind-altering substances. Also I just don't like wine.  :-P

Oh man that reminds me of this time I explained that about my OCD to an EMT, and he proceeded to ask if I was taking anything for my OCD. I was like, "Did you seriously just ask me if I'm taking drugs for a mental disorder that keeps me from taking drugs?" I lol'd. (Please don't ask me why an EMT was talking to me, I really don't want to go into it)
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: MrBlu on 01 Jun 2009, 00:03
 :|

I've never heard that one before. Prevents you from taking drugs?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lunchbox on 01 Jun 2009, 02:03
NQG, I joined Okcupid when I was looking for friends when I moved to the city. It's free, and there are lots of young people on it. You just have to be careful of the weird and creepy ones.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Barmymoo on 01 Jun 2009, 08:21
It's not OCD but I go out of my way to avoid taking drugs of any kind too. I took an Ibuprofen tablet for a headache that was interfering with my revision a few days ago and realised it was the first time I'd taken painkillers for three years. I've never drunk alcohol (well, unless you count a mouthful of vodka-spiked ginger beer at a party) and I've never used illegal drugs. I don't go to excess with it, I do use medical drugs if I have to, but I physically restrict myself from any other kind of drug. Not sure why, I suppose it's just a fairly strong part of me that I don't want to fight against.

I'm looking for some more generalised advice than specific here, I suppose. As you'll know if you've been reading all my posts diligently and taking detailed notes, I've just watched two series of Sugar Rush and it set me thinking about how people know that someone is of an orientation that would make it possible for them to orientate to you (to coin a phrase). The only way I've ever recognised that a girl is interested in dating girls is because they are... dating a girl. Obviously that makes them about as unavailable as they would be if they were straight. I'm not actually looking for a girlfriend or anything but I would like to know how people tell, generally. It's usually a fair assumption that people are straight, because it's statistically more common. How do you know when that assumption isn't correct? (Please don't say "gaydar" as if that's some kind of answer.)
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Professor Snuggles on 01 Jun 2009, 08:30
I go out of my way TOO take drugs.

Y'all are whack.

Also, if I am engaged in a summer fling explicitly for the purposes of sex and cuddles, how often is apporpriate to call/text the girl.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: calenlass on 01 Jun 2009, 08:39
It's not OCD but I go out of my way to avoid taking drugs of any kind too. I took an Ibuprofen tablet for a headache that was interfering with my revision a few days ago and realised it was the first time I'd taken painkillers for three years. I've never drunk alcohol (well, unless you count a mouthful of vodka-spiked ginger beer at a party) and I've never used illegal drugs. I don't go to excess with it, I do use medical drugs if I have to, but I physically restrict myself from any other kind of drug. Not sure why, I suppose it's just a fairly strong part of me that I don't want to fight against.


My parents actually do this a lot, too, and I am pretty sure my grandparents would, except that my granddad has awful allergies and has had to learn how to self-medicate against pine trees and bees and flowers and grass and sunshine and fun, so he probably got used to it. My mom has been dealing with blood-pressure spikes lately, which incidentally are not connected to high cholesterol or heart disease or anything that it usually indicates, and her doctor told her (as they will) that here was some medication and that she would have to take it every day for the rest of her life. My mom freaked the fuck out. She got all depressed and started seeing a therapist*, she cried like every day, and jumped even more into homeopathic shit than she used to.

As someone who will probably be on [ADHD] meds for the rest of her life, I honestly don't have that much of a problem with it. I don't understand why the notion bothered her so much. I mean, yeah, I don't like taking pills all that much, and supposedly there are ways to wean myself off my drugs and replace the effect of the medications with behavior modification and stuff, but I honest-to-god notice a physical difference between the medicated-me and the non-medicated-me, and at this point I don't really want to have to re-learn to live with the latter.

So basically, I don't get it. I have no explanation for this anti-medication phenomenon, even though I have noticed it in multiple instances. Anyone got any ideas? Why do people feel this way? How do they learn to feel this way? (because obviously when you are an infant you don't care)



orientate

is not a word.

Try asking them, or bringing up the topic in conversation. Gay marriage is a huge hot-button topic, especially right now! Or mention someone you know who just got married, or something.


*my therapise, tee hee
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: pwhodges on 01 Jun 2009, 08:56
orientate
is not a word.

Yes it is, in the UK particularly, though Webster's is happy with it as well.

Summary (http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/orientate)
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Barmymoo on 01 Jun 2009, 09:06
I don't think it's a word in the context I was using it in, though (but I was being a tad tongue-in-cheek there, I guess I should have said "be attracted to you").

I think the drugs thing could turn into a full-scale discussion but I know that for me it's partly about control. I'm not going to pretend I have a serious mental health problem like anorexia or OCD, because I don't and pretending I do would be insulting to people who do, but I do seem to have a bit of a thing about remaining in control of myself. I'm happy to put up with a bit of pain, say from cramps or a mild headache, in order to know that I'm not relying on any kind of medicinal crutch to get through it. It isn't a criticism of people who do use drugs, in fact I admire people who are able to use drugs of any kind without losing their self-control. I can fully understand why the idea of being dependent on medicine for the rest of your life would be frightening; particularly for people who have never needed to take pills or wanted to experiment with drugs, the idea of letting a doctor control what your body is doing is a little unsettling (even if it's for the better in terms of health).

To bring this back to relationships, I'm not looking to get married! Although your point still stands, asking someone or bringing it up in conversation is a good way to gauge I guess. But there's a fairly large leap between not being homophobic, or indeed being in favour of same-sex marriage, and actually being gay.

My biggest problem, if you can really call it a problem, is that I'm never sure with girls I get on with really well whether they're just being friendly or they're attracted to me. To give an example, I have a friend who I've known a few years and I see every summer. When we first met we clicked immediately, intesely, and spent several days and most nights (it was a residential music course) together. She would put her arms round me, hold my hand and stuff. All of these things I would have considered to be a hint that someone was attracted to me, if that someone was male. The fact that she is female made me feel it was more likely that she was just being friendly (and she was; she's straight). Particularly with girls, particularly with younger girls, sexuality seems to be fairly flexible and for a lot of people unclear and undefined until they're adults, so it seems to be a matter of just testing the water and seeing what happens.

I seem to have answered my own question there. Also apologies for the amount of talking I'm doing; I've got into a rather lyrical mood from all the notes I've been taking.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: calenlass on 01 Jun 2009, 09:08
orientate
is not a word.

Yes it is, in the UK particularly, though Webster's is happy with it as well.

Summary (http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/orientate)

But it's just a bastardisation of "orient"! Bah! It's like how my cousin the kindergarten teacher complains about little kids who say "conversate" because it was made up in some rap songs and has permeated popular culture. I am sure that it will be in Webster's, too, just like "bling" is.


Also I don't know if anyone else has realised this, but I am a linguistics major. Linguistics is the study of languages, phonemes, phonics, syntax, grammar, and, specifically, the evolution and change of languages over time! I haven't yet figured out how to resolve my supposed passive observation of people's adaptation of language to suit their individual (if ridiculous) needs, and my desire for people to stop making up ludicrous words when there is already a perfectly serviceable one right there!
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: öde on 01 Jun 2009, 09:20
Strangely it seems that the people that take an active interest in the evolution of language are the ones that are the most anal when language is being changed.

Je ne parle pas Englisc!
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: calenlass on 01 Jun 2009, 09:25
Also Barmy, that's true about chicks versus dudes in terms of affection. Something overt like holding hands would, unless you are around children or playing a game or whatever, be a perfectly viable candidate for consideration as romantic. Maybe this is just me, though. However, I have seen a lot of girls hug boys and each other and basically everyone and mean nothing but platonic affection either way. I personally have never been able to tell with a girl whether she is interested in me or not until she actually mentioned it directly.

Then again, there have been more dudes than I can possibly count or remember who have misconstrued my enthusiasm for a good conversation or my forthrightness or my openness for flirting. Supposedly this is because they read too much into it because they are conditioned to respond that way for most chicks, and most chicks do not strive to be as two-dimensional as I do, and they suddenly find me sending them mixed signals. Maybe I am just kind of dense.

Anyway, testing the water seems like a good idea. Maybe there just isn't a better way, who knows?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Barmymoo on 01 Jun 2009, 09:34
Katie, I am sure that your linguistics major means you know a lot about language (more than I do certainly) but you need to remember that we don't actually speak the same language. My idiolect has been Americanised thanks to these forums but I'm still out-and-out English in my phraseology and sometimes I forget that words that are used over here don't even exist on the other side of the Atlantic.

That said, I didn't realise orientate really was a real word, I just used it because I like the sound of it. Also because I was poking fun at myself.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Alex C on 01 Jun 2009, 09:46
I don't mind bling because it's just a good ol' fashioned ideophone copped from other pre-existing forms of media and as such it makes a certain amount of sense as slang terms go. Conversate, however, just hits me as kinda dumb.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: calenlass on 01 Jun 2009, 10:06
Synonyms are not the same thing as what I am talking about. I also already addressed how silly this quirk of mine is here (http://forums.questionablecontent.net/index.php/topic,22630.msg822513.html#msg822513).


This is a thread for relationships and relating to people! I was actually not trying to derail this one!
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: pwhodges on 01 Jun 2009, 13:50
Also I don't know if anyone else has realised this, but I am a linguistics major.

And my mother ran an English department.  :-P   As you say, language changes.  There is no point trying to resist this very much, though one may regret the loss of certain nuances - but if one looks, there are others being gained.  And we all have particular likes and dislikes - myself, I particularly dislike the use of 'aggravate' for 'annoy'.  As for 'orientate' vs 'orient', this is strongly a UK vs US thing; my background (UK Public School, Oxford University, and such-like) taught me to use 'orientate' and to feel that 'orient' was actually wrong - it is only through extended exposure to the US usage via the Internet that I am beginning to accept it.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Barmymoo on 01 Jun 2009, 13:57
I'm seeing a possible new thread on linguistics and the differences in English between countries... any chance someone could move our posts to date to a new thread? At any rate Katie's right, let's stop linguisticing the relationship thread.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: ViolentDove on 01 Jun 2009, 16:42
I'm looking for some more generalised advice than specific here, I suppose. As you'll know if you've been reading all my posts diligently and taking detailed notes, I've just watched two series of Sugar Rush and it set me thinking about how people know that someone is of an orientation that would make it possible for them to orientate to you (to coin a phrase). The only way I've ever recognised that a girl is interested in dating girls is because they are... dating a girl. Obviously that makes them about as unavailable as they would be if they were straight. I'm not actually looking for a girlfriend or anything but I would like to know how people tell, generally. It's usually a fair assumption that people are straight, because it's statistically more common. How do you know when that assumption isn't correct? (Please don't say "gaydar" as if that's some kind of answer.)

Well, you can ask their friends. Or make friends with someone you know is definitely not straight (even if they have a girlfriend) and get them to take you out/introduce you to people.

Or if you're just talking about meeting people generally of the right orientation, then you can go to specific places. I can't remember if you're still at school or just off for Uni... but there's lesbian clubs/bars, drag and burlesque shows, and a few Unis over here have queer groups, which are a good way to meet people if you're at Uni.

Also the internet is really, really good for this. There are specific sites dedicated to gay/lesbian matchmaking.


 
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Kylos on 03 Jun 2009, 10:09
I've just been called about a job interview on Monday. This is all very exciting, but it's at home, which is about 120 miles away from where I live now. If I get offered the job, there are so many things to consider. Mostly the boyfriend.
For a bit of back story, we've been together a year now, and were seeing each other for a long time before that. Recently things have been pretty strained and/or shitty between us, and i'm not entirely sure how moving 120 miles away will affect things.
I guess i'm weighing up having a lot more money against my relationship. My current job pays about £20-£40 a week and makes me feel like shit, even though I kinda enjoy it. This new one - if I even get it - will give me a lot more disposable income, but will put me so far away from the guy I care about. I do have a car now, so I could go and see him pretty much whenever I want, but I don't know whether to just cut my losses and leave him, or try and make it work from far away.
Then there's my friends and family, who, for the most part, want me to move back. However, Gemmwah's moving into the house i'm in at the moment in july. I've been looking forward to this so much, and now in my hypothetical job-at-home world, i'm screwing this all up.

Help me, internets.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Barmymoo on 03 Jun 2009, 10:32
£20-40 a week is crap (also I didn't realise you were British!). I get £72 a week and I'm a part time supermarket cashier.

In terms of your boyfriend, I think even if you don't decide to go for the job you should get rid of him. Obviously I haven't met him or seen any of his good points but from what you've said lately, he seems like he is not treating you very well, not a particularly good person and not the sort of person you will choose to spend the rest of your life with.

There are four reasons people are in a relationship with someone, I would say.

I'm sure there are nuances but that seems to cover most of them.
If you're with him for one of the first two, stick with it. If it's the latter two, perhaps you should leave him.

Although
Quote
Gemmwah's moving into the house i'm in at the moment in july

Don't go anywhere. Stay right there. Do whatever you can to stay. Gemm is awesome.




Oh man did I just hit on Gemm in the relationship thread oh no what will I do now everyone will think I have a crush on her what if they think I'm.... GAY oh god quick quick edit the post

Seriously though, they are two separate issues: whether to move from a (frankly terribly paid) job to a better one, and whether to stay with the boyfriend. If it's really worth working at, you'll make it work. Could he move with you?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Kylos on 03 Jun 2009, 10:54
I'm pretty sure it's a combination of options 2 and 3.
As far as I can see, nothing's really changed apart from that he's pretty much given up on leaving the house. He doesn't mind if I can't pay the rent, pay the bills and he buys food and cigarettes for me when I can't afford them myself, but you can't buy love.
He does make me laugh, and we have a good time when we do things together (which is less often that i'd hope), but even that's not a reason to stay with someone.
He doesn't hit me, or in is any way abusive towards me, but we get in huge arguements about little things. He would do anything in his power to stop me getting the tattoo I want because "tattoos are dumb", and lord help me if I like a band he doesn't.
He refuses to make an effort with my friends, to the point where he'll pretend to be asleep to avoid talking to them, but he's admitted to not being able to handle meeting new people.

I've always known we wouldn't last forever and I think I know what I have to do, but it's gonna be really hard because i'm sure I still care about the fucker.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: benji on 03 Jun 2009, 11:11
It's possible to care about someone and not be in a sexual/romantic relationship with them. This honestly sounds pretty unhealthy to me. He sounds like he doesn't have much respect for you. He might not actually be abusive, but if he can't make at least some effort with your friends or belittles you for having different taste in music, that's a pretty clear warning sign. I would say, if you get the job, take it as an opportunity at a clean break. Keep in touch with him if you want, but it sounds like this is not a healthy relationship for you.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Alex C on 03 Jun 2009, 12:37
This dude sounds like me circa 2003. That is not a compliment. DTMF.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Alex C on 03 Jun 2009, 12:40
Oh, wait, I forgot: I didn't steal things. This guy's worse.


Again, DTMF. (No, I don't mean the telecommunication signal)
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Barmymoo on 03 Jun 2009, 12:48
What do you mean?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: snalin on 03 Jun 2009, 12:50
Reading a bit too much Savage Love lately?

Dump The MotherFucker

(... I think)
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Alex C on 03 Jun 2009, 12:58
It's not possible to read too much Savage Love.

Seriously, the dude described in this thread sounds pretty self-centered. He ignores her friends and slags on things she likes and commits petty thievery. She even said he seems to do this sort of thing because in his own mind he's some kind of provocateur. She should dump him; if she finds out she misses him she could probably pick up a similar model without too much effort, since guys like that tend to be chronically single.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Inlander on 03 Jun 2009, 18:06
Yeah seriously, it seems like the situation you're in at the moment is: "Shitty job, shitty boyfriend." This shouldn't require too much thinking about. Change is hard even when it has to be made, and the natural instinct is often to take the path of least resistance and not make a change at all, but that won't make you happy. At this point your boyfriend's feelings don't come into it: if he's being a dick, then he's going to get his feelings hurt. That's something he has to learn in life if he's ever going to stop being a dick. Act for yourself and for yourself alone, and grab the chance that life has given you to get out of a bad situation. Ditch the boyfriend, take the job.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Skibas_clavicle on 05 Jun 2009, 13:10
I can't believe I had sex to Christian Death. I mean, I'm sorry, I couldn't find the sex thread, so I just had to express that feeling here. CHRISTIAN fucking DEATH. I actually don't think I've laughed so hard in my life when I found out what it was.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Dimmukane on 07 Jun 2009, 18:03
So the Girl loves me but is considering getting married to her ex-boyfriend/my best friend who is currently on uneven ground.  I mean she is really on the fence about it and seems to be leaning against it, but the fact that she accepted the offer in the first place has me really worried about a future without her in it.  The only reason she was able to give me for it was that she is nervous about starting a new relationship with me, but she even acknowledges that she might be doing this because she feels she has to and not because she wants to.  She has even toyed with the notion of not marrying him and starting a secret relationship with me (normally I would be against this but we are seriously emotionally involved with each other and do not want to hurt him, it's going to be really hard for her not to cheat if she goes through with this).  Would I be in the wrong to try and dissuade her from making such an impulsive decision?

He knows I have feelings for her and basically proposed to her as soon as he realized this.  His previous long-term relationship ended when that girl cheated on him with is then-best-friend, which is what he thinks is happening despite them being broken up for a month and the fact that we haven't made our relationship physical yet purely for his sake.  We tried to be open about what was going on and he immediately reacted negatively.  There might not be any way for us to salvage all of the relationships that the three of us have with each other.

For those of you not aware of the situation from previous posts of mine in this thread, this segment is to get you up to speed.  He is in Arizona for school right now until at least next April.  He gets a one week break every six weeks.  He can barely afford to fly her out there, she would get married and come back the same day or possibly the following day, which is also her birthday.  Then they would not see each other for at least 13 weeks, as he can't afford to visit on all of his breaks. The reason they are/were exes is because he cheated and the girl he did it with was jealous enough to cause 3000$ in body damage to the Girl's car, which she had to get sell and is now working 60 hour weeks to pay off debts.  In essence, after causing her considerable strife, he wants her to stay committed to him through a long-distance relationship. 


TL;DR: They might get married; if they do it is for the wrong reasons and reeks of insincerity, neither me nor the Girl are going to pretend like there's nothing between us after the fact, how do I ensure that this marriage doesn't happen?  I am tempted to not consider his feelings because he is being rather irrational and is using his silver tongue to get her to join him in being irrational.  She is not excited at all and is in fact dreading it.

Sorry for adding a bunch of drama to the thread, but this is kind of big.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: nobo on 07 Jun 2009, 18:55
With this much drama I think the only thing you can do is kick down the church door during their vows, pick her up over your shoulder, and ride into the sunset on horseback.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lines on 07 Jun 2009, 20:33
What Nobo said.

Actually, if this was a friend of mine, I would have smacked her upside the head and asked her if she was insane. From what you're saying, she will not be happy and that will lead to divorce and even more debt. So...yeah, dissuade her and talk common sense into her.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Alex C on 07 Jun 2009, 21:19
No, actually, you should kick it old-school and re-enact The Graduate, particularly the part where the relationship (in the short term, at least) remains ambiguous despite the aborted wedding.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Dazed on 07 Jun 2009, 21:21
You should counter-propose to her. It's what they'll least expect.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lines on 07 Jun 2009, 21:24
Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Sox on 08 Jun 2009, 03:20
You tell them both exactly what you just told us. That guy is an adult right? Take off the kid-gloves and let him deal with it like one.
I'm always the last person to suggest stepping on somebody elses relationship, I think staying out of the way is the only thing guys owe each other. But in this case, I don't think he deserves your restraint. Say your piece, and leave the ball in their court. You'll get a negative reaction, but there's really no other option at this point.
Seriously, call them both as soon as you've read these replies.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: benji on 08 Jun 2009, 07:00
Honestly, your friends have a really fucked up view of marriage. He seems to think that marrying her will prevent her from sleeping with you, like it's some sort of magic amulet. She seems to think that making a (supposedly) life long commitment to someone she already intends to cheat on is a smaller emotional risk then starting a new relationship. Both of these are really stupid, and will only lead to an unhappy relationship. Do as Sox says: say your peace, say it honestly and completely. When you're done, leave it up to them. If they do this, consider that matter settled and walk away. Honestly, it shouldn't be you to do it. It would be better coming from a friend with more distance. But you have no control over that, and if you're the only one available to point out how stupid this is, then you've got to do it.

Yes, you will leave the old friendships in shambles one way or another. At this point, there's no way around that.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Dimmukane on 08 Jun 2009, 07:34
I have to wait a little bit to call him, he might not even answer until Thursday.  Normally I could leave a message or text, but he has Boost Mobile and does not get my texts and can't actually access his voicemail because of how bad the reception is. His phone doesn't even register all of his missed calls. I'm worried he won't even listen.  When I tried to explain my side of things last time, he just wrote me off and said, "Well that's okay, because we're getting married." Either way, it is something that I have to do, I just don't know when. 

Don't get me wrong, he's not a sleaze, and she wouldn't cheat.  She knows she wants to try things with me, but she would never cheat while in a relationship with anybody until it was broken off, which he is trying to use against me by having her commit for life.  It would just be very difficult for her to ignore what we already have. If anyone has any other ideas, please put them out there.  I have to wait a little bit before acting, so any additional help would be much appreciated.

In case this information matters, this is supposed to be happening on the 18th.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: pwhodges on 08 Jun 2009, 07:54
Hmm.  I would say walk away now.  What's between them is out of your hands; and how much effort do you want to put into building a relationship with a girl who has already chosen not to stay with you? and how stable could you expect such a relationship to become?  If she comes back to you of her own volition, fine - but don't try to change her mind, because that will always leave the uncertainty of whether it's what she really wanted.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Dimmukane on 08 Jun 2009, 08:09
She hasn't chosen not to stay with me, she's thinking about choosing (but still has not actually decided, she thinks she might change her mind because of her feelings for me) to be married so she will have reached a milestone in her life.  She doesn't know what she wants or expects from this, so I'm trying to point out all the things she doesn't want.  And I would be willing to put a lot of effort into a relationship with her, which is more than I can say about him.  She has been carrying the relationship for the entire 2 and a half years, I've put more effort into just being her friend than he has into being with her.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: pwhodges on 08 Jun 2009, 08:17
Sorry, I placed more weight on the second phrase below than the first:

but is considering getting married
Quote
the fact that she accepted the offer

So it's still appropriate to explain what a silly decision it would be, and to say how it would be better to drop him and come to you - but then leave her to decide, and continue accordingly.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Dimmukane on 08 Jun 2009, 08:40
I know that the only reason she said yes in the first place is because of his natural charisma.  I am one of a very small number of people for whom it doesn't work on, and even then, he's used it on me a couple times in the past which I now recognize.  He has the ability to get all of his friends behind him on something and has done so before.  He's essentially the head of a large clique, which admittedly sometimes feels like a cult.  Like Charles Manson, except he's not actually crazy and doesn't want to kill people.  He knows how much control he has over people and has tried not to have anything like that happen, but should she come back to me, I can probably forget about most of the people I met through him.  Which I am willing to accept; most of those people were never more than casual acquaintances.  I know that probably paints a bad picture of him, but I've always been outside that sphere of influence.

But it makes me a little wary of what I should say to him, because he is more than capable of using it against me.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: calenlass on 08 Jun 2009, 12:55
Guys I would really like some friends who don't suck. I miss my peeps from the internet, but you guys are not that convenient for D&D or drinking buddies or whatever! The people I hang out with right now drive me nuts. Some of them are passive aggressive. Most of them are melodramatic. Most of them can't stand some of the others, except in large groups, and even if they could be civil just don't make the effort. Most of them have known me for years and yet still look for ulterior motives in what I say and do, or expect me to pick sides in their stupid hissy fits.

I am in classes again, so this helps me meet people, except that I seem to have gotten all the shy people this time, or in the case of my comp class they are all freshman graduated from high school in may. I mean I guess that is better than me being a caricature no one really wants to talk to (that happened last time). And I still have that job, and I have made two friends through that, but one doesn't work there anymore and lives far far away and the other is currently in a bind with his ex-girlfriend and some... complications. I guess I could try OKCupid again, but that was a little bit awkward and creepy.

So basically I guess what I am asking is: when you are broke and have no free time except sunday nights from 5pm to 10pm, how do you meet people? Or should I just suck it up until things change?




*Part two will be: How do I meet people and have them not want to date-and-marry me? That happens a lot. It is getting old.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Tyler on 08 Jun 2009, 13:13
I dont want to date or marry you.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: snalin on 08 Jun 2009, 15:05
So hi thread.

I'm not quite sure about this. I've asked cute girl out twice: first the "wanna go get a coffee?" method, then the "want to go study together?" method. She has declined both times, but the first time she was all like "oh, we should see about that some other time, I'm really fucking exhausted with school right now" and the other time she said she was getting sick and didn't really have the energy. And, man, I'm not even sure that I've gotten my intentions through. I could go with the OWW-way, but I'm too god damned shy.

What I'm asking, when you were young and shy and wanted to do stuff with a girl/boy, what method did you use, and what method worked?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Alex C on 08 Jun 2009, 15:28
I asked people out and got turned down about as often as not.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Lines on 08 Jun 2009, 17:37
Last time I asked a guy out I just said, "Hey, what are you doing? Come do fun stuff with me!" Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Dazed on 08 Jun 2009, 17:45
I'm usually just pretty straightforward about it. Just like, "Hey, so I think you're pretty attractive/smart/fun/cool etc etc. (applicable adjectives may vary). Want to get some dinner or catch a show some time?"

Sometimes it works, other times it does not.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: nobo on 08 Jun 2009, 18:20


I think I may have missed something along the way, but what makes this girl worth all this trouble?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Inlander on 08 Jun 2009, 19:34
She has declined both times, but the first time she was all like "oh, we should see about that some other time, I'm really fucking exhausted with school right now" and the other time she said she was getting sick and didn't really have the energy.

Sorry to tell you, but in my experience when a girl starts talking in vagaries such as "some other time", it means she's you down gently instead of just coming out and saying "Sorry, not interested."
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: NeverQuiteGoth on 08 Jun 2009, 23:11
How can I find places to go to meet--oh hell what's the point.

*facedesk* *facedesk* *facedesk*

There is no answer to this. It just sucks feeling so helpless to change a hermitian existence.

Ignore me please.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Vendetagainst on 08 Jun 2009, 23:36
Relationship thread! I have a few big issues with relationships.
First of all, most of the women I am in frequent contact with are in their twenties to thirties, which would be, obviously, completely fine with me except that it makes reciprocation of any feelings I might have or develop fairly unlikely. I go to an all-male high school (which sucks for this and a myriad of other reasons) and therefore rarely encounter girls my own age. More importantly, I find I'm rarely attracted to girls my age on anything more than a physical level. I also get prohibitively self-conscious when I'm talking to women, sometimes to the extent that I won't even approach them with the assumption that I'm wasting my time.

Solve all my problems plzkthx.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Tyler on 08 Jun 2009, 23:51
Fuck everything you can
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Vendetagainst on 08 Jun 2009, 23:57
The only fundamental flaw in this statement is that, as I have hinted, I am having problems reaching that end.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: snalin on 09 Jun 2009, 04:38
How can I find places to go to meet--oh hell what's the point.

*facedesk* *facedesk* *facedesk*

There is no answer to this. It just sucks feeling so helpless to change a hermitian existence.

Prostitutes?
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Beren on 09 Jun 2009, 04:56
There needs to be some type of device that will tell me how serious someone wants to get. Like a Geiger counter for love.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Barmymoo on 09 Jun 2009, 07:24
I was talking to The Boy about this issue and we decided we need emotional plasma screens which tell the world what we are thinking.

It would solve a lot of problems.

Ironically, The Boy either didn't realise I was asking him out or did realise and was attempting to tell me without telling me. Either way, our communication failed.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: snalin on 09 Jun 2009, 07:59
I'm trying to learn the short version of theatre history from the antique till 1900, and how to analyze plays and performances. I don't really know enough, pretty much because I hate the teacher and because this class was made like last year and we are the first ever to have it and no books exits whatsoever. Goddammit.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: calenlass on 09 Jun 2009, 12:59
Tyler you should come hang out in Atlanta for a couple of days. You don't have to stay for long (I wouldn't ask anyone to), but there is stuff to do and I need friends.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Tyler on 09 Jun 2009, 13:22
I would so do this.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Reed on 09 Jun 2009, 14:26
You could also come up to Ct, where there are two of us!

(I know I don't know you well, but you seem to be in a funk and maybe some new webcest could help? Plus, you seem like an awesome person, and I promise I wouldn't mistake friendship for something else)
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Tyler on 09 Jun 2009, 14:48
Reed is totally creepin on you.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Reed on 09 Jun 2009, 16:48
Hells yeah I am. I'm sneaky like that.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Dimmukane on 09 Jun 2009, 20:27
Update: so she did want to marry him but not hurt me somehow, but he decided to unpropose because of her and I and I don't think they're friends anymore.  I am not sure what's going on because this has all happened in the last few hours.  I don't know if he's angry at me, but she's hurt and is going to take a while to get over it.  We will still be hanging out as friends in the meantime, and hopefully we can continue where we left off some weeks ago in the next few months.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Masterbainter on 10 Jun 2009, 01:17
I would of believed it better if you guys smoked crack with a monkey in the ending.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: öde on 10 Jun 2009, 03:45
How can I find places to go to meet--oh hell what's the point.

Wherever you live there will be groups dedicated to hobbies and causes that you can join in with. Volunteer for stuff! Do some education! Get a job!

The first step is the hardest because you can't see any ground there - but there is and you're not going to go anywhere without taking it. You might even end up back at point A again in which case, tough! keep trying.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Dimmukane on 10 Jun 2009, 06:09
I would of believed it better if you guys smoked crack with a monkey in the ending.

I'm not making any of this up. I don't really need any help anymore, right now I need to rebuild my friendships with the two of them, if I can.
Title: Re: The Relationship, Or Lack Thereof, Advice Thread
Post by: Jimor on 10 Jun 2009, 06:23
Seconding öde's advice. If you're really nervous about trying, I'd even suggest going to whatever for the first 2 or 3 times without the intention of meeting people. Just have fun with whatever the thing is. This way any interactions come naturally with the activity, and you're not worried about whether anything "happens" as you talk with somebody. Then as you get more comfortable with the overall situation over time, who knows?

On my own front...

When I went into the access station to help crew for their own music program, I found out that the singer I talked about earlier here was scheduled as a late addition. (They keep accidentally poaching my acts, lol, but that's all good, it's not a competition, and these artists deserve more exposure.)

What was cool was that she was pleasantly surprised to see me there, and since she already knew me, I was able to act as her anchor during the rather hectic process of setting up for the shoot, answering her questions, etc. All went well, she performed fabulously, and all the staff was massively impressed by her.

After we helped carry her equipment to her van, I stayed outside with her and we chatted standing there for a good 20 minutes. One of those nice "well, even though I do need to go soon... I'm still stand