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Fun Stuff => CHATTER => Topic started by: 0bsessions on 25 Feb 2009, 08:54
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Since I seem to be the only guy on this forum capable of maintaining a relationship at this point, it has become readily apparent that the lot of you are shitty at not breaking up with people. So, here I am to answer all of your questions concerning relationships. Finding them, keeping them and related questions are all fair game. Asking me why I'm not in a relationship with you specifically, while a fair question, is not one I will answer for the good of your collective self esteems. If I don't like your question, I will either ignore it or some such.
In the interest of having a different perspective, we will have the recently single Mai also answering some of your questions. Questions are to be addressed in general to us, as it is not our prerogative to make sure you have a say in who takes care of your problems.
Self indulgent threads are the new black. Begin.
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Why is he so clingy? Why is he rushing everything? Why do I feel like I'm slowly suffocating?
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Since I seem to be the only very vocal guy on this forum capable of maintaining a relationship at this point with another high profile boarder
FYP
Oh, and I don't need any advice as I'm already too busy coming to terms with the fact that I am going to die alone to even consider a relationship. But I'll eagerly watch this thread like the little voyeur I am for the wonderful gems of insight that it will undoubtedly produce.
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Why do all the girls I have things for either have boyfriends or are just not interested?
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Why is he so clingy? Why is he rushing everything? Why do I feel like I'm slowly suffocating?
How long have you been together? One's clinginess and rushing may be a matter of perspective. That said, in my experience, clinginess is the result of feelings of inadequacy or related issues. Have you discussed the problem with him?
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Oh, and I don't need any advice as I'm already too busy coming to terms with the fact that I am going to die alone to even consider a relationship.
This is the result of either a terminal disease or full blown lack of confidence. See someone in either case.
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Why do all the girls I have things for either have boyfriends or are just not interested?
Because you lack confidence. Seriously guys, stop developing a fucking theme for me. I am more than passingly familiar with your situations, Shane, and your biggest problems are a lack of confidence and initiative. Bluntly speaking: you wait too long. If you dig a girl, let her know. Don't wait a month and THEN let her know. If she says no, big whoop, try again with someone else.
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Dear Dating Thread,
I recently scored a ....get-togetherish-maybe-dateish-thing with an old crush. When I ran into him recently, I super blushed at him and old feelings are totally still kinda there. Should I make a move on this "date"? What should I wear, something low cut and slutty or something nice, and fancy, or something just totally laidback, that will probably make me look like a boy? Should I wear a skirt??
Please help me, dating thread.
With love,
Emaline
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Why is he so clingy? Why is he rushing everything? Why do I feel like I'm slowly suffocating?
this. sort of.
except i understand why he's clingy and somewhat paranoid (low self esteem, mostly. i have been trying to do things to improve his self-esteem but i don't feel like i've accomplished much), i just don't like it at all, and find it hard to deal with and i guess my question would be "is staying with someone like that worthwhile or is it just going to drive me completely crazy in the end and make me flip the fuck out?" he is a decent guy with some issues. i don't really think breaking up with him over them would be fair and i am not expecting to find someone who is "perfectly normal" because i don't think that's realistic.
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I recently scored a ....get-togetherish-maybe-dateish-thing with an old crush. When I ran into him recently, I super blushed at him and old feelings are totally still kinda there. Should I make a move on this "date"? What should I wear, something low cut and slutty or something nice, and fancy, or something just totally laidback, that will probably make me look like a boy? Should I wear a skirt??
If you want to make a move then you should probably make a move. In terms of what to wear, it depends upon your goals for the evening. Do you plan to do the guy? If so, low cut, not slutty and a skirt maybe. You want to potentially tease the guy a bit, but going overboard and making your intent too obvious can be a huge turnoff. I say something low cut and a skirt down past the knees. It looks relatively classy while still being slightly tempting and also dudes love skirts, for many obvious reasons.
except i understand why he's clingy and somewhat paranoid (low self esteem, mostly. i have been trying to do things to improve his self-esteem but i don't feel like i've accomplished much), i just don't like it at all, and find it hard to deal with and i guess my question would be "is staying with someone like that worthwhile or is it just going to drive me completely crazy in the end and make me flip the fuck out?" he is a decent guy with some issues. i don't really think breaking up with him over them would be fair and i am not expecting to find someone who is "perfectly normal" because i don't think that's realistic.
Breaking up with someone over insecurity is entirely fair. Roughing it out in hopes he'll improve is not fair to either of you. Guys do not grow a pair by being coddled. Tell him what you want and expect of him and if he doesn't live up to your standard, it'll be time to look elsewhere. It may not seem possible, but the only way a guy will grow a pair is by being forced to in a lot of situations. They will eventually adapt.
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Why is he so clingy? Why is he rushing everything? Why do I feel like I'm slowly suffocating?
How long have you been together? One's clinginess and rushing may be a matter of perspective. That said, in my experience, clinginess is the result of feelings of inadequacy or related issues. Have you discussed the problem with him?
I tried but I am bad at this stuff. I don't want to hurt him.
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See, that's a big part of your problem right there, Allison. An individual can change, we're an adaptive breed. A person will not change, however, if they are not prompted with reason to. If being a sad sack is working for the guy, he's going to keep being a sad sack. Expecting him to change without giving a proper effort to make him do so is the truly unfair situation.
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If you want to make a move then you should probably make a move. In terms of what to wear, it depends upon your goals for the evening. Do you plan to do the guy? If so, low cut, not slutty and a skirt maybe. You want to potentially tease the guy a bit, but going overboard and making your intent too obvious can be a huge turnoff. I say something low cut and a skirt down past the knees. It looks relatively classy while still being slightly tempting and also dudes love skirts, for many obvious reasons.
i mostly agree except that the low cut top / short skirt depends on which half of your body is better. if you have great legs but no boobs go for a mini and a flattering, but not revealing, top instead.
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Should I go for the short girl with the WOAH! body who still has feelings for my best friend, or the cool, but not a supermodel girl?
SRS.
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Breaking up with someone over insecurity is entirely fair. Roughing it out in hopes he'll improve is not fair to either of you. Guys do not grow a pair by being coddled. Tell him what you want and expect of him and if he doesn't live up to your standard, it'll be time to look elsewhere. It may not seem possible, but the only way a guy will grow a pair is by being forced to in a lot of situations. They will eventually adapt.
i am not sure how to do this. :|
also in other relationship-but-not-really related news there is this other guy i met while taking a bit of a break from clingy boy who did not want a serious relationship and we had a brief friends with benefits thing going on and that was decent but for some reason i decided i would rather have a serious relationship and ended up going back to the boy who does want that. now, yesterday i messaged other boy on facebook asking him if he wants to hang out sometime, just because i am going to be in the city where he lives on friday and seeing him while i'm there might be nice. i didn't say anything that could be considered flirty or suggestive. i'm not trying to fuck him, seriously. however, he was all like "oh i don't think so, i don't wanna make things more complicated between you and your boyfriend". which is respectable, but not the answer i was looking for. also i don't see how hanging out as friends without benefits would ruin everything forever.
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Should I go for the short girl with the WOAH! body who still has feelings for my best friend, or the cool, but not a supermodel girl?
Assuming you find both girls physically attractive, you should go for the girl you find yourself most compatible with and who you are emotionally and mentally attracted to. What does being a supermodel have to do with anything?
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also in other relationship-but-not-really related news there is this other guy i met while taking a bit of a break from clingy boy who did not want a serious relationship and we had a brief friends with benefits thing going on and that was decent but for some reason i decided i would rather have a serious relationship and ended up going back to the boy who does want that. now, yesterday i messaged other boy on facebook asking him if he wants to hang out sometime, just because i am going to be in the city where he lives on friday and seeing him while i'm there might be nice. i didn't say anything that could be considered flirty or suggestive. i'm not trying to fuck him, seriously. however, he was all like "oh i don't think so, i don't wanna make things more complicated between you and your boyfriend". which is respectable, but not the answer i was looking for. also i don't see how hanging out as friends without benefits would ruin everything forever.
is there a question here?
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i would like to see him, without giving off the impression that i am looking for someone to cheat on my boyfriend with because i'm not.
what do i say/do?
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tell him, "i want to hang out with you because you are a cool dude but i have no interest in making out or doing any other kind of thing that would jeapordize my current relationship. are you okay with being platonic friends? because that is all i am looking for from you."
pretty straightforward, really.
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i guess so, i just haven't had a friend with benefits before so i'm not sure if it's possible to make the transition to a strictly platonic friendship afterwards. based on what i've heard about other people's experience with this sorta thing, they were friends for a long time first (the boy in question is a relatively new friend) and then decided to start having makeouts and such and then maybe going back to a normal friendship if need be feels less weird? i am obviously not an expert on these matters.
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Should I go for the short girl with the WOAH! body who still has feelings for my best friend, or the cool, but not a supermodel girl?
Assuming you find both girls physically attractive, you should go for the girl you find yourself most compatible with and who you are emotionally and mentally attracted to. What does being a supermodel have to do with anything?
By that, I meant in comparison, the first girl is more attractive.
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don't be shallow.
how well do you know the girls? would you rather be happy with an average-looking girl with an awesome personality or miserable but banging a high-maintenance, self-absorbed supermodel type?
however, if you like them equally in terms of personality choosing the one you have more physical chemistry with makes sense.
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By that, I meant in comparison, the first girl is more attractive.
and i am saying that, unless otherwise they are the exact same person, this should not be a factor. unless you are just looking for a physical fling, then go with the hot one i guess.
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Let's not be too hasty, folks.
Mr. Blu, it depends entirely, as is often the case, upon what you're looking for. Are you just looking for a cheap fling right now? If so, go for the hotter one. This isn't specifically because of the physical attraction, more for the reduced likelihood of ruining the better prospect that is the other girl. If you're just in an irresponsible mode right now, you want to avoid girls you think you would be compatible with in the longer term so that you don't risk not taking it seriously enough.
A caveat, though: you mention she's still got a thing for your best friend. This seems to imply there might have been something there before. Clear it with your friend first, just in case.
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Since I seem to be the only very vocal guy on this forum capable of maintaining a relationship at this point with another high profile boarder
FYP
I'm high profile? Who knew?
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why do all the beautiful ladies who like the same things as me and are fun to be around end up being lesbians?
is it a horrible coicidence or am i subconsciously sabotaging myself?
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This could be a pattern you've formed. Are you meeting all of these lesbians through other lesbians? That could be your problem. I remember back when I was a teenager, I hung out with a lot of teenagers. I assume lesbians might often enjoy the company of other lesbians in much the same way.
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no, not really.
it's been seemingly random and spread out over the course of two or three years.
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why do all the beautiful ladies who like the same things as me and are fun to be around end up being lesbians?
is it a horrible coicidence or am i subconsciously sabotaging myself?
They all arch their backs at you, don't they.
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jon, how do i tell the boyfriend to stop being an insecure bitch without actually saying "stop being an insecure bitch or else i will leave you forever?" also i don't want him to completely change and start acting cocky and macho instead because that is a major turn off for me.
mai, i took your advice re:messaging other boy. i am nervously waiting for a response now. blahhh.
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He can be insecure without acting insecure. Reassure him that you want to be with him, but some things bug you a little. Clearing the air usually helps.
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Hey dating thread, how come guys in my town don't like me, yet when I go out of province or on the internet guys find me attractive and endearing? Occasionally very smart too when they listen. Yet I still get teased and have never been on a proper date despite having three boyfriends. Why do I keep dating crazies?
Come on interbutts, gimme answers.
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regional preferences maybe? or maybe you are just not looking hard enough. hmm or perhaps you are really annoying in person or something, i don't know (that seems fairly unlikely).
it's hard for me to imagine an entire population of men not finding you incredibley attractive.
actually, upon second thought...maybe they find you too attractive and are too intimidated to say anything to you. i know that's stopped me from talking to women before, so i'm sure there are lots of others like me.
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Andy, do you look for guys in your town? It really depends on who you are trying to go for in your town. If you know all the guys you like really well, they might not think of you as more than a friend. Meanwhile, when you go out of the province people thin you are the Foxy Girl From Far Away. Same thing on the internet. Also, if you want to go on a proper date, just do it. Date dudes BEFORE they become your boyfriend.
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Where do I find intelligent girls? I am sick of all these clueless ladies that have no interest in the subtleties of the stock market and vector calculus. I have tried the library and had moderate success but everyone there is always like "shhh this is a library, not a dating service." If you're an intellectually attractive lady could you please give me some advice on where to search?
Oh, and I have a second problem, I really like redheads but in my experience redheads have proven to be invariably crazy. Am I just grabbing all the wrong redheads? Or do I need to ignore my love of red hair?
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Andy, that sounds like me! If your town is as small as mine, this could be because you grew up around those guys. I was a pretty lame nerdy girl in school, so no one really noticed me, and my guy friends from home still look at me like that even though I know I've changed a lot. When I started going other places and guys looked at me differently I was all "Haha, you think I'm pretty? What is wrong with you, I'm not pretty", and it took a while for me to realize that I've been sorta labeled for life as the girl who is not dating/girlfriend-material at all back home. In small towns getting rid of certain labels (nerd, slut, whatever) is really difficult and my advice to you is to look forward to the day you get out of there, because you'll have so much fun.
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jon, how do i tell the boyfriend to stop being an insecure bitch without actually saying "stop being an insecure bitch or else i will leave you forever?"
You don't.
Seriously, though, you have to come out with some of it. If you don't tell him it drives you up a wall, it will continue to drive you up a wall until the point where it all ends ugly. Don't give him a direct ultimatum, but tell him his insecurity is driving you nuts and lay it out that you're with him because you want to be, but his insecurities complicate matters. If that is somehow not true, then you shouldn't actually be with him.
Dear Relationship Thread,
I really like a girl but she is the wrong colour and in the wrong country.
She also has a really dumb dog.
Am I gay?
Love,
Tommy
Yes.
Hey dating thread, how come guys in my town don't like me, yet when I go out of province or on the internet guys find me attractive and endearing? Occasionally very smart too when they listen. Yet I still get teased and have never been on a proper date despite having three boyfriends. Why do I keep dating crazies?
Part of the problem, honestly, from what little I know of you, is that you have acclimated yourself outside of your age range. You primarily speak online with dudes who are in their early twenties, yet you are, last I recall, sixteen or seventeen. This puts you in a position where you're associating with dudes who are at a vastly different emotional and social level than the dudes you would naturally be encountering in a dating capacity. Meanwhile, if you extend your dating pool to primarily guys in the age range of folks you talk to online, you run into the trouble of dating the kind of twenty something who would date a seventeen year old. This is going to sound harsh, and I know there's exceptions, but many guys who date girls your age at our age are guys who just aren't sufficiently socially competent enough to date a girl their own age, so they 'settle' for younger girls as they're easier to impress.
My basic advice is that your standards are probably part of your problem. Guys your age are supposed to be dumb. If you want to continue dating at your age, you should probably resolve to deal with that for the time being until you're older.
Where do I find intelligent girls? I am sick of all these clueless ladies that have no interest in the subtleties of the stock market and vector calculus. I have tried the library and had moderate success but everyone there is always like "shhh this is a library, not a dating service." If you're an intellectually attractive lady could you please give me some advice on where to search?
Oh, and I have a second problem, I really like redheads but in my experience redheads have proven to be invariably crazy. Am I just grabbing all the wrong redheads? Or do I need to ignore my love of red hair?
On the former problem, you're probably going about it wrong. Honestly, in my experience, the best place to meet smart girls who dig shit like the stock market and maths is online. Girls like that don't go to bars or scout for guys at the library.
In terms of redheads, the problem is that in many places redheads are a minority. It's not that they're less likely to be quality women, just that you're less likely to find one at all. I had a redhead thing for the longest time and Rachel's actually the first redhead I've ever been on more than one date with, mostly because there's just not a lot of them around here.
Mai's in charge for a bit, I have to go watch a baseball game between two teams I don't really care all that much about and then hang out with my girlfriend, because not hanging out with her would be poor relationship advice, guys!
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Why do girls I like invariably only want to use me for my body, while girls I don't like develop huge, long term, obsessive crushes on me?
Am I just giving it up too easy, or is it just that nice a body with nothing to back it up?
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Why do girls I like invariably only want to use me for my body, while girls I don't like develop huge, long term, obsessive crushes on me?
Am I just giving it up too easy, or is it just that nice a body with nothing to back it up?
you are probably dressing too provocatively. don't show off all the goods in one go. give only a teasing hint of what's to come to leave girls wanting more. if you seem like you are "easy" people won't respect you for what's beyond your body.
here are some useful tips if you want to dress modestly and maybe get people to love you for who you are.
1 Go through your closet. Do not jump to throw out clothes that seem immodest, because there are many possibilities and new ways to use them.
2 A unique, modest style isn't impossible! Decide what your standards of modesty are. Does modesty for you mean dressing in a way your relatives would approve of? Does it mean covering your shoulders and thighs? Does it mean avoiding clothes that cling to your skin? Is it covering your arms and legs? Figure out what makes you comfortable and feels right to you.
3 Try your clothes on in front of a large mirror. See how your clothing fits you and what impression it conveys. Bend over, sit down, wave your arms around. Make sure your clothes don't shift around too much.
4 When you go shopping, keep your eyes out for modest clothing. If what's in is crop-tops and that's not modest for you, look in other places, such as second-hand clothing stores and online stores. Also recognize that it might take longer to find clothing, but it's certainly possible.
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Kieff, I think it's because you're probably specifically attracted to girls who are independent enough to not look for commitment in a sexual relationship. The girls that turn you on the most do so BECAUSE they don't develop huge obsessive long-term crushes on you ... it's a sign that if you got into a relationship with them, you wouldn't feel the need to walk on eggshells just to make sure they felt secure, and that's hot.
Basically this puts you in an uncomfortable position because you have to give the advantage to a girl that you actually like when you proposition them for a more serious relationship. Saying "Hey, um, I know we're just having sex and it's not serious and all, and that's cool I guess, but I'd really like it if we got together for real for real" puts you at a disadvantage in some ways. Are you willing to do this (or have you already)? What happens when you express heartfelt desire for commitment?
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Get a hobby, preferably a physically active one (unicycling was mine). First off, it'll take your mind off things and get you in a mode to pursue achievements, removing a lot of self-judgments about being useless/unskilled etc. Secondly, you'll have something new to know what you're talking about with, which can help remove self-judgment about being socially inept (I basically perfected a 10-15 minute spiel about unicycling that could legitimately make just about anyone interested in what I was saying. You would be amazed how many friends it helped me make.) Third, you'll eventually meet a girl who's into the same thing (the first two girls I slept with in my life were both unicyclists and very intelligent and physically attractive ones at that). Fourth, it'll actually improve your body because it'll be exercise that is also fun.
Having a hobby that gets you outdoors and moving around and that you really enjoy will help a lot, I think. It'll give you new skills, exercise, new conversation starters, a new channel to maybe meet someone cool, and eventually a fair amount of confidence.
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Just start a band, Jens.
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I am in a serious long term relationship & I have advice:
Stop asking people on the internet for advice and go out and do. Really the best course of action here is just go out and try. And hey iof it doesn't work perfect the first time then try again. Trial and error dudes. You can get all the best advice in the world but it don't mean shit really when it comes down to it, you've got to just go for it.
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jens whatever you do, please please please do not buy any books claiming they will teach you what women really want or how to get any lady you want and thus improve your confidence vastly. they offer horrible advice, and i am convinced that every guy who actually takes them seriously ends up turning into a huge dick.
honestly you'd be better off asking us internet people because some of us actually know what we're talking about. hobbies are good. having them implies you are interesting and independent and that's an attractive quality.
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i highly recommend axe throwing
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Unicycling is a really cool hobby, especially if you have good mountain trails in your area. Mountain unicycling is (a) more fun than any other sport, like, ever, (b) more impressive to most people than almost any other sport, (c) a really good workout, and (d) relatively cheap as far as equipment and maintenance goes.
Here is some inspiration: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uPznTbus3g
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By that, I meant in comparison, the first girl is more attractive.
and i am saying that, unless otherwise they are the exact same person, this should not be a factor. unless you are just looking for a physical fling, then go with the hot one i guess.
I'm not. But I still think she's cool.
don't be shallow.
how well do you know the girls? would you rather be happy with an average-looking girl with an awesome personality or miserable but banging a high-maintenance, self-absorbed supermodel type?
however, if you like them equally in terms of personality choosing the one you have more physical chemistry with makes sense.
I'm shallow.
But I choose, the latter. Thankfully that's not the case.
Let's not be too hasty, folks.
Mr. Blu, it depends entirely, as is often the case, upon what you're looking for. Are you just looking for a cheap fling right now? If so, go for the hotter one. This isn't specifically because of the physical attraction, more for the reduced likelihood of ruining the better prospect that is the other girl. If you're just in an irresponsible mode right now, you want to avoid girls you think you would be compatible with in the longer term so that you don't risk not taking it seriously enough.
A caveat, though: you mention she's still got a thing for your best friend. This seems to imply there might have been something there before. Clear it with your friend first, just in case.
I'm not looking for a "cheap fling". At least not since I messed with the wrong dude's chick.
And my friend really doesn't give a rat's ass. She was going around him at one point because she didn't know what she wanted, and basically pulled a Faye on him. He's busy chasing a girl twice his height.
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I usually just call up a couple friends and duke it out with swords and shit. This doesn't happen very often, though. I need a better physical activity/hobby.
Something that doesn't require me to use the muscles in my feet much? I have flat feet and it becomes painful to do certain activities (ice and roller skating, DDR, speedwalking, fencing, stuff that requires me to balance on my feet for extended periods of time) after 10 minutes or so.
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Kayaking?
I'll bet partner kayaking with a cute girl would be awesome.
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Hell yes.
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Anna tell him you like him because of reasons a,b, and c, and that you want to be with him, but that clingyness and poor self-esteem are terribly unattractive and detract from the relationship. Like, clearly you have a problem with some parts of him so letting him know that is essential to the continuation of a happy relationship, so I think prefacing that statement with 'look, I do really like these things about you, but this other stuff, what the fuck?
Also friends with benefits is weird territory, anyone getting into this should be fully aware of the fact that you may not be able to be friends afterwards. A friend and I hooked up a few months ago, things are back where they were, it is OK. However, it may not actually be possible to be friends with this guy anymore because of the way he thinks about you. He may not be able to think of you outside of the context of a makeout-toy. C'est la vie.
Andy, as much as I love the east, and I while I love the people there and like to consider them my people, they are not usually the kind of people who I find I really align with, they're not the kind of people who are my best friends and my lovers. This may be what is up with you too?
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For Jens, I'm gonna throw in a vote for gymnastics, because it may be a bit awkward to get to a gym, but it's really worth it. Gymnastics bulks up muscles you never knew you had, and makes you more flexible than you ever knew you could be. Also it's wicked fun to throw yourself around in the air in various ways, and most people who go to adult/recreational classes are really cool, so it's easy to make friends. I don't think I've ever had more fun than I had on the air track at Southampton Acro Gym. A bouncy castle made specifically for training somersaults? ACE!
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seconded!
Jens, come visit me; you can stay at my house for free and i work at a gymnastics center so i can teach you all kinds of cool tricks.
normally, this would be the part where i say "chicks dig a dude who can flip" but honestly in all the years i've been doing flips and shit, not once has it gotten me anything in the girl department (this may or may not have everything to do with me, and not the flips though)
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My band is super cool but somehow I fail to find myself covered in groupies. What the hell kind of song does a dude have to write to get he dick wet?
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Trampolining is another good one Jens, mostly girls that go to it and there is quite a high chance that the few guys that do go are gay.
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My band is super cool but somehow I fail to find myself covered in groupies. What the hell kind of song does a dude have to write to get he dick wet?
Some Death Cab For Cutie shit probably.
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I used to do gymnastics, but recently moved on to trampolining. The two are pretty similar, but trampoline moves can be done a lot slower and with a lot more control, I had to learn to slow everything down when I moved on to a proper trampoline because holy fuck those things are springy. Double backflips? I think so.
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Hey Jens. There's this technology of producing images with light, also known as photo-graphy. Maybe you've heard of it?
Seriously though it's a thing you already dig / are good at and it's an attractive thing about you FYI
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I... suddenly feel like this is something that should have crossed my mind on several occasions before
/
(http://forums.questionablecontent.net/index.php?action=dlattach;attach=5602;type=avatar)
:wink:
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Also, practice playing your guitar. Music is a cool way to connect to people.
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I used to do gymnastics, but recently moved on to trampolining. The two are pretty similar, but trampoline moves can be done a lot slower and with a lot more control, I had to learn to slow everything down when I moved on to a proper trampoline because holy fuck those things are springy. Double backflips? I think so.
This.
If you want to do REALLY BIG tricks, trampolining is the sport for you. If you want to be able to do impressive tricks on the grass or randomly in the middle of the street, gymnastics is for you. I did a combination of the two, learning tricks on tramp then transferring them to floor, which is pretty good. If you do gym to start with you get a taste for both and then you can do whichever fits better.
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Also, practice playing your guitar. Music is a cool way to impress ladies
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I'm too insecure to form casual relationships.
(Sack up!)
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Hey guys, I can't seem to meet girls my age, I think this is because I'm not in college, where pretty much all the girls my age are right now. Since I'm 19 and in America, its not like I can go to clubs or bars to meet girls. I also work nights. So, it doesn't help that I only have 2 nights each week that I can stay out late.
How do I meet girls?
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The internet, honestly.
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America, Ha! So wait, if I go to Chicago, you kids won't even be able to go out to bars? America, you silly old bastard you.
Volunteer somewhere. Food Not Bombs is all over the place, also I've seen several community-centered bike repair shops (the kind that re-claims and restores derelicts), maybe go and help them, learn about bike repair. Really I am just throwing out things I do. I have made friends at these places. My good friend met her girlfriend one of these places, I have just met a nice lady one of these places, maybe something will happen there, I do not know. Just remember to go do something you're actually interested in; going to volunteer somewhere just to meet people will not help you meet people that much.
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But I can't volunteer to do Kung Fu, I already do Kung Fu. :?
Also should probably be noted that I do Kung Fu during my afternoons 4 days a week. I think the internet is my best bet, and I seem to have great luck finding girls, just never sealing the deal.
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Also, practice playing your guitar. Music is a cool way to impress ladies
Of course it is, but just.... Don't play guitar like I do, okay?
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America, Ha! So wait, if I go to Chicago, you kids won't even be able to go out to bars? America, you silly old bastard you.
I will be old enough! We can go out to the bars and have delicious drinks and dance like idiots.
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My band is super cool but somehow I fail to find myself covered in groupies. What the hell kind of song does a dude have to write to get he dick wet?
Slip it in, dude. Either that or Dr Feelgood.
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man this thread has reminded me i need to learn how to ride a unicycle.
jens do the one that is not riding a unicycle. i'll cover that one.
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Anna tell him you like him because of reasons a,b, and c, and that you want to be with him, but that clingyness and poor self-esteem are terribly unattractive and detract from the relationship. Like, clearly you have a problem with some parts of him so letting him know that is essential to the continuation of a happy relationship, so I think prefacing that statement with 'look, I do really like these things about you, but this other stuff, what the fuck?
Also friends with benefits is weird territory, anyone getting into this should be fully aware of the fact that you may not be able to be friends afterwards. A friend and I hooked up a few months ago, things are back where they were, it is OK. However, it may not actually be possible to be friends with this guy anymore because of the way he thinks about you. He may not be able to think of you outside of the context of a makeout-toy. C'est la vie.
tried that. and he says "well, this is just who i am and if you don't like it feel free to find someone else" um. so i guess i should be looking for someone else then? or y'know, running away with you like we planned in the drunk thread ages ago. haha.
and you are probably right about other boy seeing me that way cause we didn't know each other very well and he does not see my awesomeness.
it is an unfortunate thing cause i could use more friends and i get along better with guys than girls usually. oh well i'm gonna go listen to shellac and be angsty now. see you later relationship thread.
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Anna you've broken my heart too many times for me to even consider running away with you again.
Anyways, ask him if he would want you back if you left, and if he says yes, then ask him if he'd change to have you back, and if yes, ask him if he'd change to keep you, and if yes, ask him if he'd just try and change to try and make you happy.
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My band is super cool but somehow I fail to find myself covered in groupies. What the hell kind of song does a dude have to write to get he dick wet?
Slip it in her pooper dude.
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Mai a girl touched me what do I do?!
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Anna, I have honestly mostly been skimming your posts and responses to yours, and I say DTMFA. Jesus. Clingy? Insecure? It sounds like its causing you more stress than good, so seriously DTMFA.
Also, guys, I refuse to wear the skirt because I feel like I have the biggest butt in the whole wide world when I wear it, and that's not very impressive. So I think I will wear these pants that make my butt look nice.
If the date even happens. Because I'm betting it won't.
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I have had no non-platonic relationships ever.
Mainly it's because I'm 15 and I haven't had horomones for like four fifths of my life.
But now I really really like someone.
and he's my best friend.
he's the only one I can talk to about a LOT of stuff.
I've told him I like him twice (once in october, once over january break), and he knows I still have a [insert word which is not "crush" because it's lasted longer than a crush, but it's something like it here] on him.
He's said "no" every time I've brought it up. He says that there's some chance that we'll have a hookup (maybe leading to more) in the future. It depends entirely on his horniness, basically. You'd think that it'd be easy to hook up with him, then. He's fifteen too.
And yet, whenever we hang out alone if we get too close he takes out his guitar or something. And when we're around other people he's kind of all over me, but I'm not going to make out with anyone in the middle of the cafeteria or something.
When I told him he was sending me mixed messages and I wished he'd just tell me one thing, he said "I don't know which message I want to send you. I'm sorry"
I have no idea what I'm doing, basically, and neither does he.
FIX IT, INTERNET
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I can't marry him. It's illegal here (until we turn eighteen)
And I try not to get my hopes up, but it doesn't work. I feel like one of those stupid teenage girls who pines after some boy and doesn't think about anything else (I do think about other things... but not as much as I used to).
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Lila, chill(a). Okay really I just thought that was a witty rhyme. Uh. Chill? You could say 'look dude, you are afraid of commitment and have mixed feelings about me which is why you don't do anything in private so it seems like the only reason your all over me in public is to showoff and assert your young male virility so smarten up bucko because I don't need this shit' or you could just say 'man being 15 is actually really kind of confusing isn't it?'.
marry him before he slips away!
by the way will you marry me jens?
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Jens Jens Jens! Parkour! do it now! it's an originally french activity; seriously, it's really cool. it's hard to explain though. to simplify it greatly, it's the art of getting from point A to point B in the most efficient way possible (vault over that fence instead of walking around it etc.). I've been described as a street ninja before, which i decide to take as a compliment. It's not the most amazingly well-known thing, which makes it cool i guess! It's a very physical activity, and you get a good workout without feeling like you're dying. also, it really turns heads in public, usually in a "woah-did-you-see-that-i-want-to-get-to-know-that-dude" kind of way. here is a youtube video showing off Parkour and Freerunning, which is, in a simplified description, Parkour but with flips and whatnot (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WEeqHj3Nj2c). also, here is a good website with a forum and tons of articles and stuff (http://www.americanparkour.com/). If I remember correctly, you live in Norway not America, but it's a great site. I hope you give it a try, the world needs more traceurs and traceuses! (french for parkourist and lady-parkourist, respectively).
Also, on a more on-topic note, I was going to post some of my common girl issues, but then I realized i'm in high school and high-school relationships don't really follow much in the way of logic. If i find a specific problem, I'll post it.
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Since I seem to be the only very vocal guy on this forum capable of maintaining a relationship at this point with another high profile boarder
Oh, and I don't need any advice as I'm already too busy coming to terms with the fact that I am going to die alone to even consider a relationship. But I'll eagerly watch this thread like the little voyeur I am for the wonderful gems of insight that it will undoubtedly produce.
I've totally been dating a "high profile boarder" for like 2 1/2 years. I'd like to think it's going fairly awesome.
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Guys I have the solution to all of your problems right here. (http://www.engrish.com//wp-content/uploads/2009/02/i-love-you-kiss.jpg)
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Hey guys, I need some help.
I have been dating an admin here for over a year. What is wrong with me? There's something wrong with me, right?
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Mai a girl touched me what do I do?!
tell her your heart has already been signed away by a schoolyard love note.
if that doesn't work, shout "fire!" until help comes.
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Hey guys, I need some help.
I have been dating an admin here for over a year. What is wrong with me? There's something wrong with me, right?
there is nothing wrong with you, but you are dating a dingo and that is a problem you should probably have resolved asap.
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an ANCIENT dingo.
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Hey I'd hit it.
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FIX IT, INTERNET
\
(http://www.leasticoulddo.com/files/avatars/Avatar-Emo%20Rayne.gif)
lila, whether it is intentional or not, he is definitely leading you on. back off a bit, distract yourself with other activities. honestly, from what you say it seems like he just likes the attention you give him. at this point, if he really wants to be with you he will come to you. in the mean time, don't stress out over it - have fun with your life and don't let this relationship stress you out!
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Anna you've broken my heart too many times for me to even consider running away with you again.
when did i ever break your heart? you're the one who led me on with
false promises of baked goods. </3
Clingy? Insecure? It sounds like its causing you more stress than good.
see i am not entirely sure this is true, because i haven't made any posts about the positive aspects of our relationship, since that's not the point of this thread. and if i come across as stressed out...well...i am to some extent, but not because of him.
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Ok, ok, so I will admit that I am a major noob at relationships. Parents are a little crazy about the dating thing. In my early twenties, but the boy I am with now is the only steady boyfriend I have ever had. I don't really know what the rules are, what's ok, and what's not ok. And that brings me to my question...
We've been together for two years, but recently his ex has come back into his life. They talk a lot, A LOT. And this makes me really uncomfortable. I don't want to make a scene, and be a crazy clingy girlfriend who keeps her man on a tight leash. But on the other hand, I do not want to get hurt, and their sudden intimacy is making me really uncomfortable. Especially since it is cutting into the time he spends on me. He tells me she is just going through a tough time in her life, and needs someone to talk to. But as a girl, I think I would find a female friend I could talk to rather than an ex who is currently in another relationship. It would make me less uncomfortable if she wasn't single, I think. He tells me he is happy, and that they are friends. But personally, I don't think friends post love poems on your myspace (which she has, recently).
Am I being crazy controlling not wanting them talking to each other like they are?
Advice please.
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Just tell him that it makes you a little uncomfortable. Its not so crazy clingy since she posted a love poem on his page, that is kinda wierd. You may want to just bring that up with him, like "hey, <ex name here> posted a love poem on your page, tha
I got partway done before realizing that my advice is derived completely from sitcoms, and someone always guts dumped. Nevermind me.
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i think you should definitely bring it up. it's simple, if his hanging out with his ex makes you uncomfortable, then you should work to fix the problem. which in this case would probably be done best by talking to him and saying that it's making you uncomfortable. i wish you luck =).
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You should definitely talk to him if it makes you uncomfortable. Don't be confrontational about it though, because there are reasons he might be putting up with her behavior. If she is indeed going through a difficult time, it might be tough for him to be blunt about his feelings for her. Telling her that he doesn't return her feelings would hurt her, and if she's already dealing with a lot, he might be afraid to add to her pain. Is this honest? No. Is it understandable? Yes. Emotionally needy people have a way of making you feel guilty for avoiding them.
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Ok, ok, so I will admit that I am a major noob at relationships. Parents are a little crazy about the dating thing. In my early twenties, but the boy I am with now is the only steady boyfriend I have ever had. I don't really know what the rules are, what's ok, and what's not ok. And that brings me to my question...
We've been together for two years, but recently his ex has come back into his life. They talk a lot, A LOT. And this makes me really uncomfortable. I don't want to make a scene, and be a crazy clingy girlfriend who keeps her man on a tight leash. But on the other hand, I do not want to get hurt, and their sudden intimacy is making me really uncomfortable. Especially since it is cutting into the time he spends on me. He tells me she is just going through a tough time in her life, and needs someone to talk to. But as a girl, I think I would find a female friend I could talk to rather than an ex who is currently in another relationship. It would make me less uncomfortable if she wasn't single, I think. He tells me he is happy, and that they are friends. But personally, I don't think friends post love poems on your myspace (which she has, recently).
Am I being crazy controlling not wanting them talking to each other like they are?
Advice please.
Oh this is a sucky one. Do the math:
a= your interest in having him for a mate
b= his interest in having you for a mate
c= his interest in her (for whatever reason)
x= the length of your future relationship
y=some other guys interest in you for a mate
If if a+b<b+c then x,a+b+c<y
since I just made all that crap up, it makes no sense really. But basically you should talk to him and make sure he knows that the length of your relationship is inversely proportional to the amount of attention he pays her (or any other woman) for whatever reason.
I don't mean that you should threaten him. I mean that you should tell him you feel threatened and squeezed out and that you should expect a response about how he intends to handle it. A REAL response. ie: he tones down his relationship with her to a degree you can handle or he bails on you or more importantly that your needs are met. You need to figure out what you need from him before this discussion and you need to stand by that, even if it leaves you standing alone. In other words, you should place your own safety over the idea of having a boyfriend. Men are like fish: many in the sea and scaly. Well, not scaly maybe, but there are lots of us out there. And we smell sometimes. Wait no..
I'm sort of a hardass about relationships, but having spent years in the military and seen literally dozens of couple split up due to cheating I have no patience with it. No woman deserves to be cheated on. No man deserves to be cheated on. And none of us should live in fear that we are being cheated on. Trust and openness are literally the only way I know to avoid any of the above.
a note on this being one of your first relationships:
an old sergeant of mine once told me that if you do a thing properly the first time you spend the rest of your life practicing to make it perfect. If you do it wrong the first time you spend the rest of your life learning how to do it right. if this is an early relationship for you, make sure you are trying to do the grown up and ethical thing instead of the "it feels good right now and I'm scared of being alone" thing.
Luck!
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I say bring it up. Definitely say something to him, and maybe if its a super big problem, I would hope he'd say something to her.
I'm kinda on the opposite end of your situation. One of the guys that I used to fool around with a lot and had a super huge crush on recently started dating this girl. Dude is also one of my bestest friends ever. Seriously. My roommates have been informed that if ever anything happens to me, they are to contact him first. He is really smart and a really great guy and I trust him with my life.
A bit before he and his lady started dating, we had sort of stopped communicating. We were both just busy and didn't have time for each other, and we sort of got into an arguement about it. I didn't find out about the lady until they were pretty serious, and I was kind of hurt by that. And it was due to us not talking. So I vowed to keep in touch with him more often.
Well, his lady makes him awesomely happy, and that in turn makes me happy, so I really really enjoy talking with him now. On top of that, a bunch of shit went down in my life, and since I basically cannot trust my family, and a lot of it involved them, I turned to him. He has been super helpful, and I probably would not be here if it weren't for him.
Admittedly, I always feel bad when I call, because I am worried that they are spending time together, or that I will interupt them. Twice I've called and I could hear his lady in the background and I felt bad. I don't want to put a strain on their relationship, you know? I really want them to work out. Dude totally deserves it. Plus I love hearing him when he is happy. Its pretty much the greatest thing in the world.
But yeah. If I was making her uncomfortable, or if our talks do make her uncomfortable, I'd more than apperciate her saying something to one of us. I mean, either just her calling me up and saying "hey, I know you two are close but it kind of makes me a bit uncomfortable" or her saying something to him and him saying something to me. It'd be apperciated.
tl;dr: Emaline is a sappy sappy fool. Prefers when her friends are happy, and would want their girlfriends to be all "he's mine, bitch!"
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Also, guys, I refuse to wear the skirt because I feel like I have the biggest butt in the whole wide world when I wear it, and that's not very impressive. So I think I will wear these pants that make my butt look nice.
Man, I have the hardest time remembering that some people don't like big butts. And can't lie about it.
I'm sorry, it was too obvious to pass up
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Its not like an attractive big butt. It is just a huge big butt. I mean, I could probably stack things on it. Its huge and terrible. So down playing the butt is my goal.
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I've always wanted to be with Rhonda from that "Road Trip" movie...
TJ you make me so jealous.
You think I'm joking? You think I'm @#$%ing joking!?
What? What? You think I'm creepy? WELL SCREW YOU TO FRAT BOY HUMOR HELL.
Somebody love me.
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Ok, ok, so I will admit that I am a major noob at relationships. Parents are a little crazy about the dating thing. In my early twenties, but the boy I am with now is the only steady boyfriend I have ever had. I don't really know what the rules are, what's ok, and what's not ok. And that brings me to my question...
We've been together for two years, but recently his ex has come back into his life. They talk a lot, A LOT. And this makes me really uncomfortable. I don't want to make a scene, and be a crazy clingy girlfriend who keeps her man on a tight leash. But on the other hand, I do not want to get hurt, and their sudden intimacy is making me really uncomfortable. Especially since it is cutting into the time he spends on me. He tells me she is just going through a tough time in her life, and needs someone to talk to. But as a girl, I think I would find a female friend I could talk to rather than an ex who is currently in another relationship. It would make me less uncomfortable if she wasn't single, I think. He tells me he is happy, and that they are friends. But personally, I don't think friends post love poems on your myspace (which she has, recently).
Am I being crazy controlling not wanting them talking to each other like they are?
Advice please.
In your 20s and seeing him for 2 years.
2 years is a long time especially if you are early in your 20s.
Is your relationship viewed by both parties as a serious progressing relationship? check with him.
If you have been with this person for 2 years and can't feel comfortable confronting them about your feelings of him starting a relationship back up with his ex...
I think you need to figure out if this guy is really worth it to you.
From just what you posted It's pretty obvious there is more than just a strictly platonic relationship between him and his ex.
Unless you are skewering the details on it.
is he spending more time talking to, thinking about and talking to you about this girl than he is about you?
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Its not like an attractive big butt. It is just a huge big butt. I mean, I could probably stack things on it. Its huge and terrible. So down playing the butt is my goal.
You'd be surprised...
Beauty is in the eye of the buttholder.
Edit: sorry for the double post.
You think I'm joking? You think I'm @#$%ing joking!?
What? What? You think I'm creepy? WELL SCREW YOU TO FRAT BOY HUMOR HELL.
Somebody love me.
Not unless you love me first
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Well, I was initially intimidated by the two pages of crap that landed while I did other stuff, but there was almost zero substance. I'll tackle to stuff I feel worth tackling.
FIX IT, INTERNET
No cando. Honestly, your entire post can be summed up by the following:
I realized i'm in high school and high-school relationships don't really follow much in the way of logic. If i find a specific problem, I'll post it.
This is the answer. There is no accounting for the absolute bullshit that is relationships and stuff at fifteen. Bluntly speaking, fifteen year olds are pretty much never close enough on an emotional level between genders to actually make shit worth of sense when it comes to romantic feelings. Your friend is clearly using you and you are clearly emotionally investing yourself far too deeply into something that is quite clearly a lost cause. What you have is, by definition, a crush. Crushes don't have an expiration date. If you want to maintain a friendship, stop pursuing the guy, as he has made it clear he's not interested in that way. As much as I'd like to say he's unreasonable for the sake of your self esteem, your post (Unless missing MAJOR details) makes it pretty clear that he's not into you in that way. I really can't see anything he's doing wrong. He's not really leading you on, by definition, because he's bluntly told you there's no emotional investment, just random lust. If that's not good enough for you, you need to accept it and move on.
Jens, your problem is clearly self esteem. I didn't honestly read your post, but I already knew this. The hobby shit to shape up is one thing, but another is to practice the hobbies you are already into in a social mindset. The aforementioned photography angle is one that should be mined heavily. Photography is a fantastic way to meet people and a very likable and common hobby. Find ways outside to utilize your photography in a social atmosphere, be it going to the park to take pictures or some such. A camera also makes for a great ice breaker. If you see a pretty girl, asking her if she can take a shot for you while you get in said shot makes for a great icebreaker without coming off as creepy.
Sam, you don't get my advice. If you became any more appealing to the fairer sex, there would be no women left for everyone else. I have to think of the greater good.
Jace, 'only two days?' Seriously, man, welcome to the real world. Most people only really have two nights a week they can go out. In terms of your other situation, well, you're kind of in no man's land. I was actually there in my early twenties. I dropped out of college at twenty and worked night shifts for a long while. It does make meeting women very hard. Honestly, the only way I met women at the time was because I was working at a mall. Since quitting your job to go work at a mall to pick up women is not what I'd call an even remotely viable option, you'll have to be creative. Expand your hobbies, for one. Kung fu does not make much room for women and you honestly come off a bit two dimensional sometimes because, from my perspective, you don't seem to have enough different hobbies. Get heavier into music, as concerts are one of the better places to meet women with your current lifestyle.
Skinnyfat, your situation is hard to justify as anything but your dude fucking up royally. If your dude can't figure out on his own that what he's doing is going to fuck with your emotions, he might be kind of dumb. Conversely, the onus of responsibility in terms of bringing it up is clearly upon you. You absolutely need to tell him it makes you uncomfortable. Whether or not you're being crazy and clingy is less important than the fact you feel upset by this (For the record, there's nothing wrong with being jealous in this situation, I'd be very put off if my girlfriend started hanging out constantly with an old boyfriend who wasn't the father of her kid). The thing, though, is that he cannot be full on expected to right this situation without being told of your discomfort.
This is going to hurt, but I'll be honest. The situation is likely one of two things: either your dude is up to something behind your back or he is too oblivious to the fact that this girl obviously wants to be all up in him again to notice. Much as it sucks, I have to lean toward the former, as it's hard for me to believe there's a dude out there dumb enough to get love poems on his MySpace without putting two and two together and realizing it's time to take a step back.
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Since I seem to be the only guy on this forum capable of maintaining a relationship at this point, it has become readily apparent that the lot of you are shitty at not breaking up with people. So, here I am to answer all of your questions concerning relationships.
I am surprised you fit through standard width doors.
And there are some of us other than you in happy, stable relationships, thank you. And no offense, but I only take advice from people I solicit it from, and rarely take it from people who offer it.
Because those who offer it, I've found, generally have their own agenda for doing so.
Cynical? Me?
Most definitely.
Pass.
S
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Ah but see, people come in here and ASK FOR ADVICE. I'm pretty sure that means it's solicited.
Take a joke.
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Guys, I think we need to look at this(skinnyfat's situation) from different perspectives.
Are your boyfriend and this girl close? Was the poem posted on Valentine's day?
If I did the whole myspace thing, and my friends did too, I can see posting love poems to them on Valentine's day, whether they were single or not. I can say without a doubt that I love my Davis and my Jake. Jake is the guy in the relationship that I mentioned previously.
I mean, can we just stop assuming the dude is a bad guy? Maybe he is just being a really good supportive friend. Either way, Skinnyfat, you need to say something to him. It makes you uncomfortable. Say something.
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blah boy i used to be friends with benefits with doesn't seem too interested in normal friendship. i am not sure if this is because of the way he sees me and potential awkwardness that may occur between us or because he is just extremely busy with grad school and it is eating his social life and he doesn't hang out with anyone at all anymore.
either way, i am a little disappointed cause i think this could have been an awesome thing. i'm not sure whether to try to explain this to him, or just drop it entirely so i don't seem creepy and overly persistent.
thoughts?
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You are absolutely right Jon. In retrospect I find that I do not really talk about my love of music on the forums as much. I listen to all types of music, and I think I will find some concerts to go to instead of playing D&D friday nights. I mean, for god sake, what the fuck am I doing spending my friday nights playing fucking D&D? I am 19, I need to be going to parties and shit.
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I liked this thread better when the makeout hobo (http://forums.questionablecontent.net/index.php/topic,16033.0.html) did it.
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Pretty much everything is better when the makeout hobo does it.
Wish I still had the password to that account.
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I play D&D on Tuesday nights, I find that works much better for me.
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Why do my girlfriends keep getting pregnant and then claim that it's mine?
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Skinnyfat,
Right now I'm in a similar situation, except I'm the ex and I think I might have some insight into your situation. My ex and I are best friends, she knows me better than anyone else and she knows exactly how to help me when I'm having a problem. The guy she is dating now originally had a problem with how close we are, and he thought I was trying to win her back. In reality, I don't at all, and she doesn't want to be with me. Granted, neither of us has written a love poem to the other, but your boyfriend might just be trying to help his ex. Definitely talk to him about, but don't automatically assume that there's anything more to it than him trying to help someone because he's the best person to do it.
Now....on to my own problems. I was in said relationship for the better part of my undergraduate life, and I really feel like I missed out on a lot because of it. Now that I'm single I want to go out with bars, have fun, date lots of people, etc. The problem is that everyone in grad school (my friends especially) are all about being 'mature' and looking for serious relationships. If we go to the bar it's to sit in the corner and drink a couple of glasses of beer. It makes it really hard to meet women, especially since most of the women in my program are in long term relationships. So, oh mighty masters of love advice, what do I do?
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I am surprised you fit through standard width doors.
And there are some of us other than you in happy, stable relationships, thank you. And no offense, but I only take advice from people I solicit it from, and rarely take it from people who offer it.
Because those who offer it, I've found, generally have their own agenda for doing so.
Cynical? Me?
Most definitely.
Pass.
S
Cynical's not the word I'm thinking. I'm thinking more overreactionary. Who are you again? And when was it you forgot how to take a joke?
Guys, I think we need to look at this(skinnyfat's situation) from different perspectives.
Are your boyfriend and this girl close? Was the poem posted on Valentine's day?
If I did the whole myspace thing, and my friends did too, I can see posting love poems to them on Valentine's day, whether they were single or not. I can say without a doubt that I love my Davis and my Jake. Jake is the guy in the relationship that I mentioned previously.
I mean, can we just stop assuming the dude is a bad guy? Maybe he is just being a really good supportive friend. Either way, Skinnyfat, you need to say something to him. It makes you uncomfortable. Say something.
While it's counterproductive to just assume for no reason that the dude's up to mischief, general wisdom and the facts that are presented lead logically to the idea that the dude's up to mischief. He may not be, hence why she should confront him about it instead of just straight out dumping him. The guy, through intent or complete obliviousness, is not considering his girlfriend's feelings. I don't care how good of friends they are, it's inconsiderate of both him and his ex to not consider how his girlfriend of two plus years might feel about a rather sketchy situation such as this one.
Now....on to my own problems. I was in said relationship for the better part of my undergraduate life, and I really feel like I missed out on a lot because of it. Now that I'm single I want to go out with bars, have fun, date lots of people, etc. The problem is that everyone in grad school (my friends especially) are all about being 'mature' and looking for serious relationships. If we go to the bar it's to sit in the corner and drink a couple of glasses of beer. It makes it really hard to meet women, especially since most of the women in my program are in long term relationships. So, oh mighty masters of love advice, what do I do?
Honestly, part of this might be a mixture of your friends aren't considering your needs. It's not particularly difficult to carry on a serious relationship while living a mature lifestyle and still going out with your friends and making sure they have a good time. My friends did as much for me when I was single and I have since done as much for my friends since I came upon a relationship. What I would recommend is extending your social circle to include a couple more single friends who just want to have a good time. Nobody looks lamer than the dude sitting alone at a bar trying to talk to women. If you don't have any friends willing to go out and do that with you, you need more friends.
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I liked this thread better when the makeout hobo (http://forums.questionablecontent.net/index.php/topic,16033.0.html) did it.
I just had an excellent idea, but I don't think it'll go over too well.
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You are absolutely right Jon. In retrospect I find that I do not really talk about my love of music on the forums as much. I listen to all types of music, and I think I will find some concerts to go to instead of playing D&D friday nights. I mean, for god sake, what the fuck am I doing spending my friday nights playing fucking D&D? I am 19, I need to be going to parties and shit.
D&D is definitely better for Sunday afternoon and evening.
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Man I am reluctant to post about my love life on the internets but honestly advice might be a good idea.
I have a massive thing for my best friend and I do not know what to do. I have known her since I first started uni (so for about 2 1/2 years now), and have probably been attracted to her since the outset of our friendship. However, when we first met, I was still with my ex, and that breakup hit me pretty hard so I did not think about relationships for a while afterwards, and then I kept making excuses for not making moves and before I knew it we were incredibly close friends and saying anything felt dangerous. Around the time that would perhaps have been my best opportunity to tell her, she was having to deal with another mutual friend's unwanted advances and I did not really have the heart to potentially add more to that. Or maybe I was just making excuses again. Either way, I kept my mouth shut. I figure eventually I will get over it/meet someone else, but over 2 years down the line neither has really happened yet, despite a few unsuccessful attempts.
Anyway, we're coming to the end of our undergrad studies and everyone will be going their separate ways soon - she will most likely be staying in London, and I will either be making a short trip to Brighton or staying here too, but either way we will definitely end up seeing less of each other due to new circumstances, so the question is, do I:
a) Weather it out and hope that the extra distance and influx of new people in my life when we leave uni will help me move on.
or
b) Finally let her know how I feel, safe in the knowledge that even if it explodes in my face, it will only be a few months before we are all doing different things in different places.
Whatever happens, I do not want to ruin our friendship as it is the best thing, but at the same time maybe I should stop letting potential good things pass me by.
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Definitely let her know how you feel.
HOWEVER, and this is the hard part, you really should present it in a way that says "I'll be OK if I don't get together with you or anything." And then you have to actually be OK with that. The thing you really don't want to do here is drop your emotional health in her lap and say "From the moment I tell you that I'm really into you, I'm only going to be happy if things go my way and we get together ... if you don't return these feelings, I will be in a lot of pain and you will be the reason why." That is what you absolutely totally do NOT want her to hear.
See the thing is, either the feeling is mutual or it isn't, and if it isn't, you really don't want her to feel bad about it. That would be terrible because then you both would be feeling shitty ... her for not returning the feelings you have which are obviously so important to you, and you for making her feel shitty over something like that (and of course over not being with her). So your optimal situation here is one in which she feels safe and comfortable with you even if she doesn't want to be with you. That is what you are shooting for. If she doesn't want to be with you, the LAST thing you want is for her to feel bad about that.
So basically you have to take responsibility for your feelings and make it clear that there's nothing wrong with whatever she might be feeling, but you have a lot of attraction to her. It's a tricky business and I wish you the best of luck.
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Whatever happens, I do not want to ruin our friendship as it is the best thing, but at the same time maybe I should stop letting potential good things pass me by.
I have had, and have, a lot of good friends. I have only had one great love. In my experience, you can often find good friends by being a nice guy and sharing your jelly beans once in a while. Love, however, is rare. And while it is a gamble, if I found a woman who excited me intellectually and I found her attractive, I would be willing to risk the friendship. I would also force myself to be honest--your relationship left the realm of friends when you became interested in her romantically. That isn't hard and fast. I have had friends who I was attrected to and they knew it, and it was no big deal because attraction and timeliness and urgency don't often coincide. But if this is real to you, and it is not a short termgot the hots, and IF she is really your friend, you owe it to her to be honest about what is driving you.
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So I met this guy and I had fun hanging out with him, but I have no real desire to do it again. I think I'm broken. Halp.
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So I met this guy and I had fun hanging out with him, but I have no real desire to do it again. I think I'm broken. Halp.
You could start wearing dark clothing and cut yourself and snear a lot.
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I wear dark clothing sometimes, I already get enough paper cuts as is, and I only sneer when people do stupid things. Please try again!
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It's because we're meant to be, Linds.
Obviously.
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So I met this guy and I had fun hanging out with him, but I have no real desire to do it again. I think I'm broken. Halp.
He's ugly right? He's totally ugly.
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Ozy - Obviously.
Gilead - He's not ugly, but I'm not attracted to him.
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I wear dark clothing sometimes, I already get enough paper cuts as is, and I only sneer when people do stupid things. Please try again!
Do you have the appropriate tiny little car with no heater?
Do you totally need to be attracted to him? You could always close your eyes and hum Rule Britannia and think of cherry trees in the spring air...
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Linds, if you're not attracted to him, it can't be helped. It's just a thing.
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Ok.
I have a spacious compact car with a rather good heating system. Also, my car does not bring all the boys to the yard, so let's not discuss the Blue Meanie.
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Ozy - Obviously.
Gilead - He's not ugly, but I'm not attracted to him.
Oh right, totally, I getcha <|; ]
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Blue Meanie.
Is this a nickname for your car or something? The only blue meanie I can think of is the mushroom kind...
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(http://m.blog.hu/tr/transfesser/image/blue_meanie.jpg)
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but I'm not attracted
I don't think I've actually been attracted to someone since I was super-into this girl just about ten months ago now. I think it is due to other changes in my life-view as well as that, but I haven't felt that powerful crush or attraction I used to get. It is weird.
I mean, there have been a handful of ladies and I have liked them all in different ways to different degrees but I have not had that 'man I want to bone you and also date you and hang out with you and fuck maybe I could see myself settling down with you whatever let's give it a go eh?' feeling for a while.
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(http://i19.photobucket.com/albums/b198/andthentherewaslindsey/blue_meanie.jpg)
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you have got to be kidding me. People still know what the Yellow Submarine is? I sudden;y don't feel so old :-D
You know, slick makes some sense Linds. After my divorce I don't think I will be attracted to another woman for a long while. But that doesn't mean I can't go out on dates with people I'm not attracted to, right? I mean, a date for the dates sake isn't a bad thing. You don't always have to be consumed with the idea of falling i love or getting laid...
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I play D&D on Tuesday nights, I find that works much better for me.
We were playing on Monday nights, but two of the guys always had to leave early because they have college/work in the morning. And so they moved it to Friday, but I'm just totally unwilling to give up my Friday night to go sit in a room full of dudes.
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And when was it you forgot how to take a joke?
*looks at watch* What day is again it? *Hic*
D&D is definitely better for Sunday afternoon and evening.
*Looks at watch again* Damn! Not this Sunday. Gun Show in Tampa instead. Anybody need anything?
S
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Dear relationships thread. My problem is not so much that there is a girl I like, or that there is a girl who likes me, or that I am in a bad relationship. My problem is that there is nobody. How do I meet girls who are both attractive and intelligent? Answer me that, and I'll... Fuckin'... Do something impressive. And photograph it for you guys. It needs to be a good answer too. Nothin' half-arsed.
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Build a boat, build it tall and proud, pour into it your will and your drive; your personal strength of spirit will show in it and when people see it they will recognize that you are truly a noble soul, a man of actions and ability, a person of resource and motive, someone who can dream and someone who can see. And when the floods come, bitches be all linin' up to get in on the raft before the shit hits kno what i'm sayin'?
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Dear relationships thread. My problem is not so much that there is a girl I like, or that there is a girl who likes me, or that I am in a bad relationship. My problem is that there is nobody. How do I meet girls who are both attractive and intelligent? Answer me that, and I'll... Fuckin'... Do something impressive. And photograph it for you guys. It needs to be a good answer too. Nothin' half-arsed.
Post an ad on craigslist. Full proof.
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Dear relationships thread. My problem is not so much that there is a girl I like, or that there is a girl who likes me, or that I am in a bad relationship. My problem is that there is nobody. How do I meet girls who are both attractive and intelligent? Answer me that, and I'll... Fuckin'... Do something impressive. And photograph it for you guys. It needs to be a good answer too. Nothin' half-arsed.
Insufficient data.
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but I'm not attracted
I don't think I've actually been attracted to someone since I was super-into this girl just about ten months ago now. I think it is due to other changes in my life-view as well as that, but I haven't felt that powerful crush or attraction I used to get. It is weird.
I mean, there have been a handful of ladies and I have liked them all in different ways to different degrees but I have not had that 'man I want to bone you and also date you and hang out with you and fuck maybe I could see myself settling down with you whatever let's give it a go eh?' feeling for a while.
Dude I know exactly what you mean. Not since she came out to me. :oops:
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I liked this thread better when Midnight Umbreon (http://forums.questionablecontent.net/index.php/topic,20883.0.html) did it.
I searched for this thread and I laughed at it.
I
typed
kind of like
this.
It was
incredibly
annoying looking
.
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Say it ain't so, Joe!
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I'm still in Be My Head's signature though.
That's what the purpose of that thread was.
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Jeans,
A lot of people already gave you suggestions for hobbies, but I'm going to throw my 2 cents anyway. I would suggest joining a gym and making a serious commitment to go regularly. Not only will you get stronger and healthier, but working our releases hormones (endorphins?) that make you feel good. After a few weeks you will notice your body changing and the progress will encourage you to work even harder. I go around the same time of day every time I go and always run into the same people every time and have started to make a few friendships there. There are plenty of girls to talk to/look at, especially if you decide on a yoga, pilates, or spinning class.
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Not always the case Nobo, some people just genuinely despise excersise for the sake of excersise, which is why so many gym memberships fail so miserably. Doesn't matter for some people if they start seeing results or not. It really does sound like his best bet involves a fun hobby that happens to have a side effect of being physically demanding.
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I think if you go into it with the right attitude and have reasonable goals, then it can be very rewarding. However, I am only speaking of my experience, and I certainly can't speak for anyone else. I just suggested the gym as a way of doing a physically demanding hobby and surrounded yourself with people doing the same thing. Stuff like cycling or running seem very solitary unless you look for clubs or groups of people to do it with.
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jens whatever you do, please please please do not buy any books claiming they will teach you what women really want or how to get any lady you want and thus improve your confidence vastly. they offer horrible advice, and i am convinced that every guy who actually takes them seriously ends up turning into a huge dick.
Ahaha, I actually did this once. Not so much far advice to see what it was about though. I read five pages before thinking "man, this guy is an asshole" so I went and got my money back.
Thanks for the advice, folks! hobby it is. I have no idea what it is going to be though.
I just had to go back and reply to this.
Check out Oslo Vápenleikr.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Owbb52innXE
I do this. It's made out of awesome and cookies. And swords.
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Jens Jens Jens! Parkour! do it now! it's an originally french activity; seriously, it's really cool. it's hard to explain though. to simplify it greatly, it's the art of getting from point A to point B in the most efficient way possible (vault over that fence instead of walking around it etc.). I've been described as a street ninja before, which i decide to take as a compliment. It's not the most amazingly well-known thing, which makes it cool i guess! It's a very physical activity, and you get a good workout without feeling like you're dying. also, it really turns heads in public, usually in a "woah-did-you-see-that-i-want-to-get-to-know-that-dude" kind of way. here is a youtube video showing off Parkour and Freerunning, which is, in a simplified description, Parkour but with flips and whatnot (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WEeqHj3Nj2c). also, here is a good website with a forum and tons of articles and stuff (http://www.americanparkour.com/). If I remember correctly, you live in Norway not America, but it's a great site. I hope you give it a try, the world needs more traceurs and traceuses! (french for parkourist and lady-parkourist, respectively).
Also, on a more on-topic note, I was going to post some of my common girl issues, but then I realized i'm in high school and high-school relationships don't really follow much in the way of logic. If i find a specific problem, I'll post it.
PARKOUR PARKOUR PARKOUR! seriously i was thinking this reading the thread and am glad you brought it up. it's hell impressive i'd do it but i'm not in shape at all. but it's amazing
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So my date cancelled on me. And I got pissed, and said "whatevs, that's fine." And now I have no one to go to Watchmen with. And I am grouchy about it, and bitterly single. And I think my whole movie experience is ruined now.
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Go with your implant, and be happy!
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I can't make out with my implant. :(
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I've made out with at least 3 implants. People said that I couldnt do it.....but i did......Oh but I did.
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Mine is in the middle on my chest. My tongue could probably reach it, but I should get it all gunky with my mouth goo.
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What's wrong with "mouth goo"?
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you have an implant in the middle of your chest? what kind of reactions does that get?
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Its just a tiny silver disc, looks like a little nail head sticking out of my chest. So far reactions have been pretty varied, from "oh wow that's awesome!" to "oh god..did it ever occur to you that that might be a bad idea? Ugh"
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Pulpfiction, <a href="http://wiki.bmezine.com/index.php/Microdermal>this is a microdermal.[/url] They are sort of like piercings, and very different from the bags of saline to make boobs bigger kind of implant. They are really cool, if you're into that sort of thing.
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What's wrong with "mouth goo"?
Well maybe you're an alien in disguise and you drip alien slime from your mouth instead.
Also answer your dang pm so I can draw you.
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Its just a tiny silver disc, looks like a little nail head sticking out of my chest. So far reactions have been pretty varied, from "oh wow that's awesome!" to "oh god..did it ever occur to you that that might be a bad idea? Ugh"
Reading that explaination, it sounds like a really bad idea. Looking at one, it seems much cooler.
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Pulpfiction, <a href="http://wiki.bmezine.com/index.php/Microdermal>this is a microdermal.[/url] They are sort of like piercings, and very different from the bags of saline to make boobs bigger kind of implant. They are really cool, if you're into that sort of thing.
Obviously I'm an idiot for not automatically thinking that that was the kind of implant that was being discussed. My mind just goes straight to boobs on everything.
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I love my implant. It's pretty good damn awesome as hell. I want three more.
But anyway....
So obviously, I need relationship help. I have tried everything. Except going out in the real world and meeting people. Firstly, I live in a small town. There are no clubs, no venues, nothing. I live a block away from main street, which has three bars, I'm only 20, so I can't go to them quite yet. I'm socially awkward. I have a hard time talking to people, I can't start conversations with people on my own, and when people talk to me, I feel like they think I'm a horribly mean person, because I am terribly sarcastic, and can be a bit defensive.
So how should I go about meeting people?
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Dear relationship thread:
During the summer, I work with the Northwest Youth Corps, building trail and doing conservation work and such. We live in tents and work 40 hours a week and live in crews of 10 people between the ages of 16 and 19 for 5 weeks. And during my last session (fall), I fell head over heels for a guy on my crew. At the same time, we got to be really good friends. It was a very happy 5 weeks. We had many adventures and it was a very happy 5 weeks. But he's not a shy person, and I'm sure that if he liked me that way he would have said something... But it's been 4 months and I can't seem to get over him. I've been tempted to tell him a billion times but I really don't want to risk a strong friendship. At the same time, I kind of feel like I'm keeping secrets from a friend by not telling him and I simply can't move on. What should I do?
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how close(distance) are you from this guy?
It's alright to have crushes on people and especially at the age range you stated. It happens all the time. The only persons fault for this crush is yourself though. So take the initiative and ask him to a lunch(if he's close enough). After maybe a couple platonic dates ask him to something a little more romantic if you still haven't figured out his feelings for you. At the romantic dinner you'll figure it out.
He might be a little weirded out by your pursuit of him, but most likely he'll understand unless he's immensly immature. I'm pretty sure he'll have no problem being you friend after you pursuit. The only person ending the friendship will be yourself. If you are shut down, it will be you who decides to keep talking to him on the level that you already have. Will you?
You just never know, maybe he's in the same boat you are. Even the most outgoing people don't just ask people out they really like right away. Take the risk and find out, or you will always wonder.(heartbreak from not getting with a crush is so much easier to deal with rather than months or years of wondering.) It'll be your decision to conintue this "great friendship" afterwards.
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But anyway....
So obviously, I need relationship help. I have tried everything. Except going out in the real world and meeting people. Firstly, I live in a small town. There are no clubs, no venues, nothing. I live a block away from main street, which has three bars, I'm only 20, so I can't go to them quite yet. I'm socially awkward. I have a hard time talking to people, I can't start conversations with people on my own, and when people talk to me, I feel like they think I'm a horribly mean person, because I am terribly sarcastic, and can be a bit defensive.
So how should I go about meeting people?
It seems you may be struggling with not running into the same people in your immediate area that interest you. If you want to possible meet new people though, just do it! Make it a point to smile and talk to people. Some stuff below about carrying a conversation.
You can say, "Hi, how are you doing?" (it doesn't have to sound sleezy)"Hello, how is your day"...
There's some great help out there for people that struggle with the basic of real life interaction of conversations. It's really so much simpler then you think it is, which is probably exactly why you feel you can't have one.
3 easy things to remember
1) keep it simple
2) listen and respond accordingly
3) SMILE!
if your goal is to meet new people in this small town you live in, then do it. If you are looking for someone like yourself and don't think there is a reason to around your area, you will find yourself wondering, "Why can't I seem to be in a relationship".
People are so much easier than you think. Just make is a goal to test the waters, there's lots of fish to attempt at catching!
http://www.wikihow.com/Have-a-Great-Conversation
Edit: Add: just had to throw in there... Grocery store, on your way to work, the gas station is perfectly fine places to practice these skills and even possibly make some friends! I know small communities can seem daunting with their lack of clubs and such. Just go and do it!
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I love that that guy is trying to give relationship advice.
Next thread: I tell you how to become a professional golfer.
(dear Emaline,
I could go watch Watchmen with you! None of my friends ever invite me to movies. :oops: )
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I love that the only thing you can post is demeaning someone trying to help.
(dear Emaline,
I could go watch Watchmen with you! None of my friends ever invite me to movies. :oops: )
Gee.. I can't possibly figure out why that would be. :roll:
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Mostly they're assholes.
And I'm broke and haven't been able to afford a movie in 3 years.
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Yeah, going out to a good theatre is really expensive. I live in Sodak.. A movie with large popcorn and a large soda is 30ish bux for two people, at our better theatre here.
Birds of a feather.
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VP, I'd love to go to Watchmen with you.
Masterbainter, I can't read your posts because of the way you talk about women in general. It disgusts me. I feel really sorry for the women in your life.
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^That.
Also, buddy. I don't have a job. It's hard to afford a $30 night out when you're making like 10 bucks a week on a good week.
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I know, I was agreeing with how expensive they are. In fact, I was pointing out I come from the lowest wage state and it's still fucking expensive. :-P
Emaline, I'm sorry you feel that way.
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Emaline, what keeps you in this small town that you live you?
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Three things:
1. My year lease that I signed in February.
2. I can't afford anything else(minimum wage 40 hours a week is still minimum wage)
3. My job
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leases suck. I lived in a small town till i turned 18 and then i got the fuck out of there. I left with whatever i could fit in my car, including an air mattress to sleep on and moved in with a guy (roommate) that i had met only once. Best thing I have ever done. My only advice for finding people that you might be interested in is move to a bigger city whenever you can. Go with nothing if you have to, create your own opportunities.
But then again I had no problem saying bye to everyone I knew in town including my job. I can understand why people might not be able to do that.
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boobs on everything.
I hear ya' man.
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Serious questions:
So I'm dating this new guy and apparently we're both equally smitten. I'm thinking I might actually want to keep him around for a little while so I don't want to blow it.
How soon is it appropriate to have sex? (I always used to do it pretty much straight away, but a cohort of people tells me that's NOT the way to do it, so I'm confused.)
How soon am I supposed to tell him I'm a nutcase? I don't feel comfortable with people knowing this as one of the first things about me, and I neither want to frighten him away nor lead him on. But my issues (I'm bipolar with pretty much crippling depression, have an anxiety disorder and a number of surrounding issues) are hugely impacting on my day-to-day life right now so I'm wondering how upfront I shoud feel obliged to be?
Thanks!
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Interesting!
The appropriate time to have sex (it is never while on a bus) is pretty much different for everyone. I know couples that had sex on the first date and are still going strong two years later and I've known couples who stayed together for several years without ever having sex (with each other at least). It is safe to say that it is ok to have sex after at least 4 dates, or one month of going out.
As for your psychological issues, they could be a pretty big thing and you may want to tell the dude before you have sex with his body. If you tell him after he may feel strange about it and freak out (because guys can be odd sometimes!) either way if anything eventuates from the whole thing he's going to find out eventually and may not appreciate you hiding it from him. Probably a good idea to bring it up when you guys have The Talk.*
*The Talk is where you have that really awkward conversation that essentially boils down to:
Are you my boyfriend?
Yep. Are you my girlfriend?
Yep.
...Good talk.
The Talk is usually a good place to bring up any concerns you might have like intended long term travel plans, mental or emotional difficulties and crazy ex-partners who have a penchant for axes and screaming.
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Just an open question to everyone but are relationships really that good? I mean I have only been in two (three if you count holding hands with a girl in year six) and I can't help but be vaguely confussed by it all, all I have ever felt in a relationship is "she is nice, hugging is nice, but at the moment I don't know if I love her and I feel like I am being suffocated by it all". Is that normal or is it just me?
Also I am kind of happy without a relationship and can sort of see myself being like this for a good long time, possibly forever, is that normal too?
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Basically, you won't get it till you get it - and you can't tell when that will be, nor make it happen faster or when you choose. But yes, there is something to be got. Meanwhile, just go with the flow.
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Also I am kind of happy without a relationship and can sort of see myself being like this for a good long time, possibly forever, is that normal too?
Nothing is wrong with that. lots of people don't ever get settled down with anyone, i mean look at the show Seinfeld.
Most people do date though, just for the sexual aspects of the relationship, but that is only necessary if you enjoy sex.
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How soon is it appropriate to have sex? (I always used to do it pretty much straight away, but a cohort of people tells me that's NOT the way to do it, so I'm confused.)
Ignore your friends. Have sex when you feel like having sex. My girlfriend and I had sex the second time we ever even hung out and it was maybe an hour or two after our first kiss. Plus, we were completely drunk. Not the exact way I would recommend it, but with someone you really connect with, the timing is irrelevant, as long as you're sexually and emotionally compatible. Jump his bones whenever you feel like it, those people don't know what they're talking about.
[QUOTE[How soon am I supposed to tell him I'm a nutcase? I don't feel comfortable with people knowing this as one of the first things about me, and I neither want to frighten him away nor lead him on. But my issues (I'm bipolar with pretty much crippling depression, have an anxiety disorder and a number of surrounding issues) are hugely impacting on my day-to-day life right now so I'm wondering how upfront I shoud feel obliged to be?
[/quote]
More than two weeks, but less than a month and after you've had sex is my recommendation. As a man, I'm genuinely more inclined to let eccentricities and the like slip by if I'm getting good sex. That said, having that shit suddenly pop up on you AFTER you've already gotten used to someone can kill the flow of a relationship and I've never been one to appreciate it. You want to get most of that out of the way early in a rather clinical manner, around the same time you discuss how official you are. Don't go blurting all your secrets, as that's a major turn off, but you should at the least describe it as you've described it to us. Just let him know you've got some psychological issues, chief among them depression and anxiety, and be honest about the severity. If you think you feel strongly for the guy, it is very much your obligation to let him know exactly what he's getting into before he's emotionally invested, not after. I've had girls spring their major emotional issues on me after I'd already emotionally invested myself and it's a pretty big violation in my mind. Let him come to his own conclusions with a sufficient amount of evidence about your personality. Keeping it too long also runs the risk of him changing your mind after you yourself are too emotionally invested, thus hurting you more if he decides it's more than he can handle.
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So a girl I like spent the night the other day. She assured me she doesn't do one night stands, but she also has vella ex-boyfriend issues, and I have a habit of fucking things up.How do I male this work? Do I call her, or just wait to run into her, which I will probably do sooner rather than later? How long to wait before I call? How long do people wait before having sex? Two dates so far, and I mean I have some patience, but who knows how much.
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wow, second date and the girl already spent the night? That doesnt sound like someone who doesnt do one night stands to me.
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You never went to college, did you.
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Staying over ≠ fucking.
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i'm in college right now. good job though.
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Thanks for your advice, guys. :) I really appreciate it.
I'm not sure what to do about your contradictive advice. I guess that The Talk is a good place to voice any concerns, I mostly have The Talks after having had sex at least once though. Maybe I'll just let him know that there is something I need to tell him and ask at want point he wants to know about it, I'm known to be pretty upfront about things.
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i'm in college right now. good job though.
I'm trying to think up a witty comeback, something about how Brigham Young university doesn't count, or maybe criticizing your knowledge of women, but mostly it is not so much with the being worth it.
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Thanks for your advice, guys. :) I really appreciate it.
I'm not sure what to do about your contradictive advice. I guess that The Talk is a good place to voice any concerns, I mostly have The Talks after having had sex at least once though. Maybe I'll just let him know that there is something I need to tell him and ask at want point he wants to know about it, I'm known to be pretty upfront about things.
If you're going to do that, you'd probably better be prepared that he's going to ask to know right then. And if he doesn't, be prepared that he's probably trying to respect your privacy, but at the same time obsessively reviewing all the worst case things it could be. If you tell him that there's something you'll need to discuss at some point, but don't discuss it then, expect him to spend the next several dates looking at you and thinking "she doesn't look like she used to be man, does she?"
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I'm trying to think up a witty comeback, something about how Brigham Young university doesn't count, or maybe criticizing your knowledge of women, but mostly it is not so much with the being worth it.
lol dont know what makes you think that BYU doesnt count as a college, or that I would ever go to BYU. Also, i'm in an almost 3 year relationship with my girlfriend, and we are about to have our first child.
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Oh okay that explains a lot.
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Interesting!
The appropriate time to have sex (it is never while on a bus) is pretty much different for everyone. I know couples that had sex on the first date and are still going strong two years later and I've known couples who stayed together for several years without ever having sex (with each other at least). It is safe to say that it is ok to have sex after at least 4 dates, or one month of going out.
As for your psychological issues, they could be a pretty big thing and you may want to tell the dude before you have sex with his body. If you tell him after he may feel strange about it and freak out (because guys can be odd sometimes!) either way if anything eventuates from the whole thing he's going to find out eventually and may not appreciate you hiding it from him. Probably a good idea to bring it up when you guys have The Talk.*
*The Talk is where you have that really awkward conversation that essentially boils down to:
Are you my boyfriend?
Yep. Are you my girlfriend?
Yep.
...Good talk.
The Talk is usually a good place to bring up any concerns you might have like intended long term travel plans, mental or emotional difficulties and crazy ex-partners who have a penchant for axes and screaming.
I'm going to agree with Jimmy here. Some people, and this includes both men and women, see sex as the sort of thing that puts a foot in the doorway of a more significant sort of relationship. So as a general rule it helps to be honest before you get to that point, or else you might illicit resentment from the other party (he might think, for example, that you were "trying to get your hooks in him" and deceiving him) Conversely it could be no big thing to him. But your opinion on this matters just as much as his does. It has to feel right on both ends, no?
So give it some time if you have to. And for god's sake, don't use the word "nutcase". You may feel as though you're fucked up at the moment, but if you present yourself as such, and present these problems as these huge things that define you, it's going to be a turn off. Make it clear that you have these issues but that you are doing what you can to work through them. You don't want to give the impression that being with you means always being on your guard and always having the gloves on and having the utmost consideration for your mental state. That's not really a relationship, that's more of a... bomb scare, a hostage situation. Honestly if these problems define your life and you are not able to handle them day to day then it's probably advisable that you not get into a relationship, and find a good therapist. But if you think you can function, and have a good relationship in spite of these things (and lots of people can), then you need to emphasize that when you tell him. Say "I have problems x, y and z. I get sad and anxious a lot but when we're together I'm going to do my best to have fun with you and be happy." Don't say "I have problems x, y and z. I am totally crazy, I hope that's okay with you." Significant others have a certain obligation to support their partners but there's only so much they should be expected to do. They are not parents or psychiatrists. The point of a relationship ought to be the pursuit of happiness, not restoration of sanity.
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If you're going to do that, you'd probably better be prepared that he's going to ask to know right then. And if he doesn't, be prepared that he's probably trying to respect your privacy, but at the same time obsessively reviewing all the worst case things it could be. If you tell him that there's something you'll need to discuss at some point, but don't discuss it then, expect him to spend the next several dates looking at you and thinking "she doesn't look like she used to be man, does she?"
Yeah, I shave twice every day to avoid the five-o'clock-shadow, I guess I'm a pretty convincing girl!
I guess I'll have to talk to him about it, I'll try to avoid the term "nutcase" although I often use terms like "nutcase" and "crazy" in a flippant way because I get some amusement out of it and sadly, amusement obviously isn't always abundant at my house. If things don't work out with the Scottich boy, I might try to find people who are into the whole "crazy" angle and who like sex with people in straightjackets, who knows!
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There seems to be widespread agreement on a negative correlation between mental health and sexual prowess. So you've got that going for you.
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Seriously. I cannot stress enough that sex with crazy girls is generally top notch sex.
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Is it better to be crazy or not good at sex? I'm trying to decide how I want to be offended here...
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A happy medium must be struck.
Like, an agoraphobe who gives really good oral. I'd date that girl.
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Hey now, in his defense, he never said that non-crazy girls can't be good at sex.
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Yeah, I shave twice every day to avoid the five-o'clock-shadow, I guess I'm a pretty convincing girl!
I guess I'll have to talk to him about it, I'll try to avoid the term "nutcase" although I often use terms like "nutcase" and "crazy" in a flippant way because I get some amusement out of it and sadly, amusement obviously isn't always abundant at my house. If things don't work out with the Scottich boy, I might try to find people who are into the whole "crazy" angle and who like sex with people in straightjackets, who knows!
Krina--DO NOT refer to yourself as a nutjob or crazy or whatever except in your doctor's office if you need to. It is bad for their image of you no matter how funny it may seem. And it is bad for YOUR image of you. No mater how funny it may seem. Being BP and having anxiety issues do not make you a freak. It's a big enough issue without making it worse by driving away people who would otherwise think you'd be a valuable friend, neh? Besides. A better term is batshit insane. :wink: And you can't have THAT term. I reserve its use for myself alone. :laugh:
Seriously. I cannot stress enough that sex with crazy girls is generally top notch sex.
Not true at all. Sex with genuinely well adjusted women is fucking awesome too. They might not degrade themselves for you, but they know what they want and THEY GO OUT AND GET IT.
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It seems reading comprehension has taken a dip here. Crazy women being top notch at sex and sane women being good at sex are not mutually exclusive statements.
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Seriously. I cannot stress enough that sex with crazy girls is generally top notch sex.
This is good advice.
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Dammit Jon, what am I going to do about my problems?
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Like, an agoraphobe who gives really good oral. I'd date that girl.
That girl is basically me. Are you single? ;)
Guido, you're probably right. I just find it pretty tempting to be inappropriate at times. As I am a girl, bi, Jewish, blonde, tall and have mental issues, I think I'm allowed to make jokes about all of these.
Will you pleeaase let me use your term? Pretty please?
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Dammit Jon, what am I going to do about my problems?
Ignore them and visit the nearest mental health clinic.
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Like, an agoraphobe who gives really good oral. I'd date that girl.
That girl is basically me. Are you single? ;)
Guido, you're probably right. I just find it pretty tempting to be inappropriate at times. As I am a girl, bi, Jewish, blonde, tall and have mental issues, I think I'm allowed to make jokes about all of these.
Will you pleeaase let me use your term? Pretty please?
Yeah, for some reason, that definitely sounds like something I could get behind. Literally and metaphorically.
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Okay I'm going to be blunt here. I'll take your opinions on my situation, althought I already know what i'll probably end up doing.
Edit: I need to rephrase this...
Girlfriend and I mostly happy with eachother. Girlfriend will bring up problems randomly and I'll just tell her to deal with them and she really doesn't give me any pushback on it. I feel like an ass for doing this, and think she doesn't deserve that. However, I'm not in the point in my life where I feel I need someone else's problems on my mind. I'm sure eventually the relationship will fail out and whatever, but i'm tryign to decide if I should just let her go before stuff gets to serious.
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Well it depends, do you still actually want to be with her?
If yes, and the issue is that you cant handle anyones elses shit but your own, then be honest about that and let her decide if shes cool with that.
And if you dont want to be with her, then well don't.
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Oh yeah I meant to post in here.
What are peoples' opinions of the socially acceptable time period after breaking up with someone to start making golf-related innuendo with the opposite sex?
(The relationship was a pretty serious three and a half year one, in case there's some kind of sliding scale)
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I think it also depends on how long the relationship was dead before it ended.
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About a half-year. But no-one really knew about it except for me and her, for reasons I can't really go into.
(I'd put in a sad face right here if I was inclined to use smilies)
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Oh yeah I meant to post in here.
What are peoples' opinions of the socially acceptable time period after breaking up with someone to start making golf-related innuendo with the opposite sex?
(The relationship was a pretty serious three and a half year one, in case there's some kind of sliding scale)
37 minutes.
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Oh yeah I meant to post in here.
What are peoples' opinions of the socially acceptable time period after breaking up with someone to start making golf-related innuendo with the opposite sex?
(The relationship was a pretty serious three and a half year one, in case there's some kind of sliding scale)
There's no clear indicator. It's basically just whenever you feel comfortable doing as such. Certain variables to assuage one's conscience can be factored in, such as who initiated the breakup and how long the writing was on the wall (As Rachel mentioned), plus how much or little either of you cares about the other at this point. If it was dead in the water for six months as you mention, you were pretty much good to go about ten minutes after the official breakup, in terms of moral standing. As it stands, you should basically just starting talking to women whenever it is you feel like talking to women. Don't rush it, but don't put it off out of some misplaced fairness to your ex. She's your ex for a reason, no point in letting that hold you back from getting on with your life.
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If you are honest with yourself and you know that you are rebounding and therefore probably being unfair to the new person it might be best to hold off. I messed up what was actually a fantastic relationship because I rushed into it for all the wrong reasons and I still regret that. On the other hand sometimes you just meet someone and it works and the fact that you only just came out of another relationship doesn't make any difference, it just works. So have a proper think and know that you are going into things for the right reasons (or at least being honest with yourself and the other person about what your reasons are).
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Okay I'm going to be blunt here. I'll take your opinions on my situation, althought I already know what i'll probably end up doing.
Edit: I need to rephrase this...
Girlfriend and I mostly happy with eachother. Girlfriend will bring up problems randomly and I'll just tell her to deal with them and she really doesn't give me any pushback on it. I feel like an ass for doing this, and think she doesn't deserve that. However, I'm not in the point in my life where I feel I need someone else's problems on my mind. I'm sure eventually the relationship will fail out and whatever, but i'm tryign to decide if I should just let her go before stuff gets to serious.
... If your girlfriend can't go to you for comfort/help, you're not serving much purpose and you're only making that relationship toxic.
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So here is my problem:
I am hugely in crush with my best friend. And when I am high, we totally flirt. He lives forevers away right now, and comes home every now and then and we totally party it up. We've never been around each other while high, and mainly communicate via ims, which is where the flirting comes in. He is the only person I've ever felt even 99% comfortable around. He is awesome and great and I love him.
My other friend, who is also awesome and great and who I go to for advice on everything says that my life is too complicated and crappy right now to make it anymore difficult. And that I shouldn't even attempt to do anything with him.
What should I do, Internet?? What should I doooo???
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Violent Dove:When you want to, it is appropriate. It might not be good for you but it's your life. Enjoy it.
Emaline: You're 20. Bang the drum. You'll have time to be old when you get there.
Ya'll, life is to damned short to be worrying about shit like this at your age. As far as I know, until you hit about 25 there are two simple rules:
1) use protection- A condom is best, but the pill will at least keep you from getting knocked up. AIDS doesn't quit just because you don't want to think about it.
2) don't lie about what you want.
everything else is pretty much fine as long as you aren't genuinely mentally ill. And even then the odds are that a relationship will force you out of your confort zone and help you in the long run.
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So after you hit 25, you should stop being safe and start lying about what you want. Got it.
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J0n! Be careful, unless you are older than 25. Then it's okay.
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Honestly, Emaline, I have to agree with your friends. Your posts indicate to me that your life is often melodramatic enough, making a pass at your best friend is going to make that a lot worse.
Jace, I'll be twenty-five in about two and a half weeks, so my life is effectively over.
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So after you hit 25, you should stop being safe and start lying about what you want. Got it.
Man, I'm a year and half behind on unsafe sex and personal dishonesty. I better get moving.
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1) use protection- A condom is best, but the pill will at least keep you from getting knocked up.
Just wanted to correct this statement. The pill is about 99.7% effective, if used perfectly. But the typical usage of it leads to an 8% failure rate. Nothing will keep you from getting knocked up except not banging.
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Honestly, Emaline, I have to agree with your friends. Your posts indicate to me that your life is often melodramatic enough, making a pass at your best friend is going to make that a lot worse.
See, one side of me is saying "he already knows about how crap your life is. He's often the first to hear about it. And your life is going to be forever crap, so you might as well have someone to play with and snuggle up to. Plus, with him being gone most of the time, it'll give you a better chance of keeping in line and not arguing with him for no reason."
But the other half of me is saying "jesus, Emaline, how can you be so dumb? He is your best friend. Anything more and you'll ruin everything. Wouldn't you rather have someone to talk to than someone to make out with? Stop thinking with your pants. You know how you are in relationships, and you'll just argue with him all the time. And why would you want to get anyone involved in your life? If you care about him so much, you won't get him involved in your crap."
So I am torn. Don't want a boyfriend, but I'd like someone to snuggle and play with, and I'd prefer that we had some sort of an emotional bond. And I know that's what he wants too(because we've talked about this). And I think it'd be great with the distance. But then I don't know. I don't want to screw him over emotionally, you know? He's my best friend, and I don't want anyone to hurt him. Especially me.
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In my experience, distance doesn't reduce the number of arguments. If anything, arguments come easier.
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personally, I hate the prospect of getting close to a best friend. Because if something happens, God forbid, you haven't just lost your boyfriend, you've also lost your best friend. Which sucks.
And this is me who can't even speak to the girl who he liked more than anything.
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life is to damned short to be worrying about shit like this at your age.
i never understood this sentiment. life is the single longest thing any of us will ever do.
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So guys, I have come back from my posting hiatus to offer you my problems! Hah hah
I also have self esteem issues because I will never be as sexy as this man: http://img502.imageshack.us/img502/6960/niccagebirdhair.jpg
Kidding! All jokes aside, I've been in this "relation-dateship thing" for over a year now, and I'm quite frustrated because we haven't progressed any farther than the dating stage. The guy I'm seeing is the closed off type, and since I want to respect his space and not pressure him into anything, I find it real difficult to approach him about any "issues." Issues such as the fact that I've caught him speaking to his ex, and he's openly lied about it, or whether or not we're a legitimate "couple" or just people who hook up regularly.
Hence all my insecurity and pointless jealousy and feeling like a crazyperson because I can't deal properly. Whee for internalizing negative thoughts!
I am pretty smitten with the guy, which is why it's so damn difficult to move on. I'm trying to learn from past relationships-gone-sour and be more rational about everything. I have to take into account that this guy's kidneys have failed, his dad died, and his ex dumped him right around the same time a couple of years ago. It's logical to assume that he'd have trouble opening up, right?
So guys, should I should drop him and move on or wait for him to come around? :? I am fail at relationships, either way :mrgreen:
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Dump him.
I can see where you're coming from, but this one seems like a clear cut situation. Your own mental health demands you let this one go.
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i never understood this sentiment. life is the single longest thing any of us will ever do.
One day you will understand this. One day. Trust me.
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For the record, that one day will be about six months into the age twenty-three.
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So after you hit 25, you should stop being safe and start lying about what you want. Got it.
Man, I'm a year and half behind on unsafe sex and personal dishonesty. I better get moving.
Not sure if you guys were joking, but I got the impression that he meant that you have only those two rules to follow until ~25, after which you'll have to start worrying about other stuff too.
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Lise, I kinda had the same problem last yeah, but my dude never lied to me. That being said, if he is lying you should dump him. If you can't trust him, you can't date him.
But since I was also quite smitten with my fellow, I know that dumping him is probably secretly out of the question, my advice is as follows: Let him know that you'd like to be more than just a hook up partner. Don't make it sound needy or desperate. Just let him know how you feel. If his reaction is less than warm, back off. He doesn't sound like he is really ready for a relationship, and is maybe just (I don't really want to use this words, but..) using you for hook ups. We're all humans, and we all lust after people. Sometimes you just need a nice person you can trust to make out with. I mean, if you are fine doing what you're doing, then don't stop....
...but in all honesty, dude sounds like an asshole. He lied to you. He talks to his ex. He uses you for hook ups. DTMFA already.
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He talks to his ex.
this by it self should not be a criteria for "dude is an arsehole" yes the fact that he then lied about talking to her is certainly one giant step towards the title. but as far as I can tell being able to maintain a healty relationship with someone from your past should not be a punishable offense
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i never understood this sentiment. life is the single longest thing any of us will ever do.
One day you will understand this. One day. Trust me.
This made me really sad for some reason.
On a related note, fuck women, fuck men, I'm swearing off relationships and I would rather be permanently lonely rather than make the world a worse place because I am completely incapable of forming any kind of emotional bond with another human being and every time I try I just make everyone's lives miserable.
Rampant bonings are still one the cards but there will be no pillow talk.
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He talks to his ex.
this by it self should not be a criteria for "dude is an arsehole" yes the fact that he then lied about talking to her is certainly one giant step towards the title. but as far as I can tell being able to maintain a healty relationship with someone from your past should not be a punishable offense
What I am saying is that, dude is a known liar, and is emotionally unavailable, and talks to his ex. Things just don't seem on the up and up.
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Yeah, Lise, I was also in that position about a month ago only it was a year and a half and I told him I loved him (had been a few months a year or two before as well but I forgave him). If you can't talk about the "are we legit" talk, then it means you're not and if you feel uncomfortable talking to him about that then it's another sign that it probably shouldn't be.
My problem now is that I am basically like not attracted to anyone. Anytime any possibilities for sexyfuntimes comes up I'm just all "meh" and "nope. leave me alone" even if I would normally find the person attractive and also think they're awesome. I don't even like hanging out with single dudes who are my friends (except my bff Clay and we are more family so I don't have to worry about that) for fear they will suddenly start twitterpating or something. That just makes me sound conceited but three times within the past month I have had single guy friends try to get into my pants. Is it just because it is spring and I'm wired differently? I don't do anything and still get stray hands and "i want to fuck you" texts. I'm considering dressing butch and being mean to stop this. I'm not even that attractive; I just don't know what is going on.
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It's logical to assume that he'd have trouble opening up, right?
Whether it's logical or not has little bearing on the fact that you desperately need to him to at this point because the whole situation has made you somewhat justifiably insecure. Quite simply, the communication isn't there and you need to find out if it can be there or else I don't see your situation getting better any time soon short of a dumping.
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He talks to his ex.
this by it self should not be a criteria for "dude is an arsehole" yes the fact that he then lied about talking to her is certainly one giant step towards the title. but as far as I can tell being able to maintain a healty relationship with someone from your past should not be a punishable offense
I have had this conversation with my mother on more than one occasion. She seems to think that once you break up with someone you should cut them out of your life completely; I seem to be of the opinion that you knew the person and were close to them, you would at least try and be friends after breaking up. Not being able to be a couple doesn't mean you can't be friends. Am I odd in thinking this? I mean, sure if the relationship ended on bad terms I can see people never wanting to talk to the other person again, but if it's just "You know what, I don't think this is working", then why shouldn't you stay in contact?
Also, I know this may not really apply to the above situation, because I don't know how they broke up and there are other issues, but the "talking to an ex=arsehole/etc" standpoint always seemed a bit strange to me
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It's one thing to talk to an ex while it's a whole other thing to talk to an ex and then lie about it. The former usually means you've both moved on and are able to be friends. The latter implies you feel guilty about it probably because one of both parties aren't over the other. Having the latter be a problem in the relationship is not fun, because it was one of several problems with my last relationship. (Except it was multiple exes and not just one.)
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talking to an ex can cause serious problems in a relationship. I look at as this: If your current Bf or Gf has a problem with you doing this, and has made it clear to you that they do not like that you talk to your ex, then you should ask yourself what is more important, talking to an ex or maintaining the happiness of your current BF/GF. If your current relationship is a serious one, you should have no problem in making that decision.
Unless your ex is from years and years ago and you are now best friends with that person. That brings about a whole different scenario.
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Since it seems nobody really read my post, I'll repeat myself.
Talking to an ex, in and of itself, is not a bad thing.
But lying about talking to an ex is bad. Hell, if a guy lied to me in general, and was also talking to an ex, I'd be a little concerned.
But I do not put up with liars at all. If someone lies to you, how can you trust them?
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Honestly if your significant other is so jealous that just having a conversation with an ex makes them all stressed then you should probably break up with them anyway.
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But I do not put up with liars at all. If someone lies to you, how can you trust them?
Could be a small lie not to hurt your feelings, aka "yeah, what you made tasted great!", "Your speech in front of class was good", etc. I think that's ok.
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The ex situation just hits me as something that's exacerbating the bigger issue; ie, She doesn't know where she stands with this guy and she's too worried about "pressuring" him to find out. Gotta throw that sentiment out the window, because at this point it doesn't sound like it's preventing problems so much as causing them.
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Thanks for all the replies guys, I have a better idea of what I should do/what's been going on, I think. And Em, I read your posts, and they're good advice :-). I mean, regardless of whether or not it's a "white lie" to tell the person you're dating you're not communicating with the ex when you actually are, it's still a lie. I don't need things to be sugarcoated because obviously that won't help at this point (especially if I'm contemplating a break up..)
I'm not against the idea of being friends with an ex, but I don't think it's healthy/possible if you broke up on bad terms (someone please prove me wrong!). Mutual friends have told me that the guy I'm seeing took a big risk with this girl emotionally, and she quoteunquote "did him dirty." Apparently he described the breakup as having his "heart torn asunder." Coming from a guy who rarely shows vulnerability, that statement sounds like a big deal. I honestly don't think he's over her, and if he's still keeping her old texts, messages, and lying about present conversations, that only solidifies my opinion of that. (Please note I haven't been snooping, guys, he unwittingly shows me). Even if you can't forgive someone for hurting you like that, I can still see why any form of flattery from them might give you satisfaction. So as a girl who genuinely cares for him, I feel inadequate because I can't provide that... yeah, weird feeling.
So yesterday (after lots of awkward silence), I brought everything up to him (Alex, I finally manned up!!!!!!). He stated that he doesn't know where we're going, but he also told me that his ex isn't one of the factors. I want to believe him, but then again, I'm doubting it. I suppose since we're going in different directions this year (I'll be transferring to another college soon, and he'll be moving elsewhere), I shouldn't drag this out. Normal couples can deal with distance, but haha, since we're anything but normal..
I guess it's breakup time, but I don't want to deal with that, heh. I've gotten used to the status quo, having great mutual friends (I seem to lose them after breakups), and having the "good days" when we are like a couple. Being single again probably means lots of depression until I get over this guy, and breakups never get any easier over time.
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Just cause that was all serious business and crap in my post, let's have a load of dongs!!!!! 8===D 8===D 8=====D AND GREEN MAN!!
(http://img4.imageshack.us/img4/9764/greenman.gif) (http://img13.imageshack.us/img13/4462/selflove.jpg)
PS: Alex is right, there's much more than just the "ex deal", but that was just the last straw, adding fuel to the fire, the icing on the cake (but without icing and without cake... heh heh).
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Green Man is the best! It's Always Sunny... is the best! You are the best!
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Dayman... AhHHHHHhhhh, fighter of the night man.... AHhhh, champion of the sun~
I think I love you already, Brittany!
Haha, sorry for the off topic, guys. I had to go there.
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I'm not against the idea of being friends with an ex, but I don't think it's healthy/possible if you broke up on bad terms (someone please prove me wrong!). Mutual friends have told me that the guy I'm seeing took a big risk with this girl emotionally, and she quoteunquote "did him dirty." Apparently he described the breakup as having his "heart torn asunder." Coming from a guy who rarely shows vulnerability, that statement sounds like a big deal. I honestly don't think he's over her, and if he's still keeping her old texts, messages, and lying about present conversations, that only solidifies my opinion of that. (Please note I haven't been snooping, guys, he unwittingly shows me). Even if you can't forgive someone for hurting you like that, I can still see why any form of flattery from them might give you satisfaction. So as a girl who genuinely cares for him, I feel inadequate because I can't provide that... yeah, weird feeling.
You can be friends with somebody after a bad breakup but it takes the tincture of time and only time to really heal that sort of thing (from what I've witnessed it takes a good few months at least of no contact at all before exes can be on good terms after a bad split). Being friends with exes is perfectly fine and IMO is an indicator of a person's good... lovership? If your bf/gf is not on good terms with any of their exes, it could be because they've dated only assholes, but the common denominator in all those relationships is your bf/gf. Chances are they're the problem.
But you ought to get over your ex romantically after a certain point, and given that you say the breakup was few years(!) ago and he's not above-board with this problem he has I'd say yeah, this guy is not worth it. If I were in your situation I'd tell him straight up that he was using and manipulating me (which is exactly what he's doing to you) and I would still dump his ass even if he makes grand proclamations about rehabilitating himself. You really want a relationship and he's exploiting that to get his needs met without reciprocating, and that's cruel. With any luck it'll slap some sense into him and the next girl he finds he won't jerk around.
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Hey Relationship thread, Maybe you will have better advice than my sex-crazed boss!
I have been been seeing a guy for a couple of months and I really really like him but in a month he will be leaving for overseas and not returning for about 15 months. What should I do?
I am pretty bummed out but I know that this is a really awesome thing for him so I think I should just enjoy the last couple of weeks I have with him and leave it at that. This is healthier than clining to him and wheezing "I'LL WAAAIT FOR YOOOUU," right?
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It sounds like you have already figured out what to do.
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I guess I'd say what you are planning to do is the best.
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Yeeeah. It's still not fair though. :'(
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It really just depends on how you feel. If you really like him and what to stay with him, you take and break and see if you feel like resuming when he gets back. Just saying there are alternatives if you are looking for them.
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yeah, long distance relationships are stupid hard but they aren't inherently doomed for failure. they often can and do work out but it's really just a matter of what you both want. you're not clingy if you wait for him and you're not a bad person if you don't, just do what you think is right for you and the situation.
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And webcams.
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Hey Relationship thread, Maybe you will have better advice than my sex-crazed boss!
I have been been seeing a guy for a couple of months and I really really like him but in a month he will be leaving for overseas and not returning for about 15 months. What should I do?
I am pretty bummed out but I know that this is a really awesome thing for him so I think I should just enjoy the last couple of weeks I have with him and leave it at that. This is healthier than clining to him and wheezing "I'LL WAAAIT FOR YOOOUU," right?
I have been in this situation, so I guess I'll relate what happened to me and then pretend that everyone else is the same and stuff, yeah?
Basically we tried to stay together even though she was on the other side of the world, then she met someone in Glasgow and then it was all over and we both found other people. But then she came back and was all "I still kind of like you" but we didn't end up together again for various reasons. I think it was probably worse trying to stay together over the long distance when stuff started falling apart, so I think it's best to part ways with the acknowledgement that if you're both single when you're in the same country again, maybe you'll revisit the relationship.
Also, don't let him go to Glasgow.
(P.S. Hey thread I scored a hole-in-one the other night, if you catch my drift.)
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So guys I have been seeing a new girl after getting over my (mostly on but briefly off) long relationship with a girl, which took about a month. The thing is, while I am aware of it and trying to fight it, I can't get over my near phobia of relationships. I've had about four bad ones in a row now, any advice?
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Stop having shitty relationships.
But yeah, honestly, that's not at all uncommon. Common sense dictates that, if you're not in a long term relationship that's going strong, you're probably off a decent string of shitty relationships, cause if the relationships worked out, you'd likely still be in them. The only real advice is to not think too much about it and just try to enjoy yourself. Some relationships work, others don't. If it works, it works, if it doesn't, you've got plenty of life left to try another one.
Lunchy's problem is effectively resolved by ViolentDove's response. Just let it end naturally when he leaves, make no promises or commitments and if you're both single later, you can maybe pick it up then if it still feels right.
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there isn't much you can do in the way of fearing relationships, sadly. it's good advice to not force yourself to be in a relationship if you really don't think you're ready, but at the same time, avoiding intimacy with anyone until you're "over" your past relationships is, i think, equally bad advice because personally i doubt most people ever really get over their past terrible relationships. they're shitty and they suck and they hurt to think about and probably always will a little bit, but that's just part of life and experiencing things. that fear will decrease over time, but it usually doesn't fully go away and that's part of what makes entering a relationship and trusting someone really special in the first place.
okay so that wasn't really advice, i guess the advice part of this post is to not feel too bad about fearing relationships cos i think most people to do at least some small extent, it is part of intimacy, and also maybe probably be honest with her and talk to her about how you feel cos it's pretty understandable to feel that way and good communication is really one of the most important requirements of a not-shitty relationship anyway.
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So, as you all know, I am madly in crush with my best friend. Since he comes into town in one week, I thought "I'll just go for it!" It seemed like a great idea and I was all excited and happy and I just really wanted this to work.
And then we were talking today like normal, and there was some flirting going on, and we kinda started talking about dating in general, and basically he was all "man I wish I could meet a really awesome girl." Needless to say, I was a little crushed.
But since I am totally dumb and can't take hints, I really want him to super reject me, so I can put it far out of my brain that it is something that will happen, because its dumb and it won't ever happen. So, would it be stupid for me to ask him to reject me to get this dumb idea out of my head?
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Maybe he just plain doesn't see you as someone he'd be in a relationship with. Not all guys want every female body.
You might just end up in the proverbial 'Friend Zone'.
(This feels weird talking to a female about the Friend Zone...)
And, y'know. Asking him to "reject you" would just make whatever conversation you were having awkward.
Your choice really. You can say that you like him, and hope for the best, because the worst that can happen is he says "No.", or you say nothing and wonder for the rest of your life, what could have been.
Who knows? Maybe he's just completely oblivious to the fact that you're female and you like him (sure has hell happened to me a lot of times).
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The other day my friend said "Brittany, I like you because you don't like me." meaning, he likes being my friend because neither of us have crushes on the other, which makes our friendship drama free and also really comfortable. (granted, it was 7am and I was drinking vodka tonics and yelling ME TOO OMG) Every time a boy who is supposedly my friend tells me he has feelings for me or whatever, I generally don't hang out with them as much anymore since I think it's awkward and I don't want them to crush on me.
And I mean, you're really tough so I know you can handle the awkwardness, but ... I don't know. I don't think I'd say anything, but I also don't know how you and him are together.
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Emaline, if I were in your position I'd just say "I think you should know that I'm attracted to you," and basically leave it at that to the best of your ability. Don't make it a proposal for a relationship, just an explanation of how you feel. If you don't ask him for anything, he doesn't have anything to say no to (he can't exactly say "you're not allowed to feel that way"), and if he doesn't have anything to say no to, he doesn't have very much to be afraid of or awkward about.
In my experience, the more freedom people feel in a decision or a judgment, the better the outcome tends to be. People who feel pushed into a choice of "will you be with me, yes or no, answer now" are likely to react with much less conscious judgment because the constriction of the situation makes them too afraid to really think about things. What you want to do is remove his fear of hurting you, because if he's afraid of hurting you, he'll make a poorer decision than if he feels as if he can make a choice based on his own needs and desires without worrying about you. When he can clearly examine what he wants without feeling the need to worry about what you want, he'll just behave with a clearer and wiser head ... and probably warm up more to the idea that you can be attractive to him as well (for that matter it's possible that being afraid of hurting you is the only reason why he hasn't expressed that to you already).
Now, if you're really really afraid that you'll get hurt here, that'll probably come out in what you say to him, and it'll put pressure on him to realize that there's something he can do that you're afraid of ... he'll put so much energy into trying not to do what you don't want him to do that he'll probably end up doing something HE doesn't want to do, and it's all downhill from there. So basically if I were you I'd put some serious thought into what exactly you're afraid of here. If you're afraid of being lonely and/or losing a really good friend, telling him to reject you is basically a one-way ticket to precisely your worst-case scenario because you'd literally be acting as if it's exactly what you want. However, if you can bring yourself to trust yourself and your friend to stay connected regardless of what happens, and you manage to express that to your friend when you explain the situation to him, he'll feel empowered to do what he wants ... and this will be to your advantage, because I'm sure that one thing your friend wants to do is to make you happier.
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I'm usually the least qualified person to give relationship advice to, but Emaline, maybe you are finding yourself having crushes on guys because you are desperate to be in a relationship? I speak from personal experience that I would crush on girls before I even knew them (sometimes after I knew them) because they were already friends with me and I thought they could easily be my girlfriend. Sometimes you may just have to take a step back and realize that you don't need to be in a relationship, although it is nice. I adopted this feeling shortly after my last girlfriend and I broke up, and since then, I've been happier, and I've come to realize that it is easier to talk to the opposite sex if the first thing on your mind isn't "I bet we would be great together."
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Maybe he just plain doesn't see you as someone he'd be in a relationship with. Not all guys want every female body.
You might just end up in the proverbial 'Friend Zone'.
(This feels weird talking to a female about the Friend Zone...)
It's not at all uncommon. I've actually had it happen multiple times where a girl was into me and I could MAYBE have seen myself interested, but we were already in the friend zone.
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Well, guys, I asked him. And it was a pretty great conversation and reminded me why he is totally my bestest friend in the whole wide world forevers. And no, we aren't dating now. It basically went like this:
Me:"you know I am totally in crush on you, and that you should just completely reject me already so I can move on already."
Him:"well, I do really really really like you, but as a friend"
Me:"you've got to reject me better than that. You've gotta say 'Emaline, it's never gonna happen'"
Him:"Emaline, its not going to happen. Not anytime in the conceivable future. But I don't believe in saying never."
Me:"pshaw. Whatevs. Don't ever not say never. Anyway, you're still my best friend ever and I totally love you."
And then we talked about tacos, and books and coffee shops, and giggled like normal. Nothing changed at all, but I feel better for having said it.
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Emaline, reading about your life is pretty much like reading the saddest/cutest book ever, always.
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Dear Relationship Thread,
I met someone recently while out in a different city, who just blew me away, he was so sweet and funny and interesting and we have nice things in common. Nothing happened (Well, he kissed me and I said no as I am with someone who lives far away) I ended up staying at his,talking until 8am the next day. We swapped numbers and spent the next week texting each other every day, not huge amounts, but regularly. During this we made plans to do stuff togther, as friends. I came up to stay again on monday (Not with him) and he said he'd meet me off the train, which he did. He was then extremely rude and off with me, told me he was too busy to see me and just a completely different person. It was to the point where he was sat on a laptop and ignoring me, also told me to stop complementing him (He has grown a beard, I love beards.) I'm completely confused as to how someone can go from sending messages saying things like "I think I miss you, is that weird" To ignoring me all togther. I also don't get why you'd meet someone only to be rude to them?!? (Esp. as it was a 3 hour train journey bleurgh!) Is it the plutonic thing that's making him be distant and well, a bit cunty?(sorry for the language) Has he sobered up and realised I'm not awesome? (I am awesome) I'm also extremely concerned as to why I'm so fucking upset. I have a lovely boyfriend who I've been with for quite a while, I have amazing friends, why is this one person upsetting me so much? When we said goodbye on monday we had had conversations about when he was working (Coffee/bar with internets) so I could go in and keep him company/when we'd have time to watch movies together, I text him, only once mind, to say when are working etc. no reply. I'm worried as we will be going to the bar tonight and also, to make the point really clear WHY DO I CARE?!?
(Sorry that was such a ramble, if you ever heard me speak, you'd know that's how I'd sound)
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Emaline, reading about your life is pretty much like reading the saddest/cutest book ever, always.
I 2nd this. You could totally write "The Life and Times of Emaline" as a Victorian style serialized novel.
Eliza, there's a lot to unpack there, and I have to go teach a class, but my first bit of random speculation: Did you just say "no," before, or did you tell him the reason why? If he didn't realize you had a boyfriend already, and then found out, that could have made him upset. It would upset me if I met someone I was compatible with, seemed to hit it off, flirted all week, and then found out they were already involved with someone else.
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There's always a lot to unpack with me....
He tried to kiss me after we'd been talking for about an hour. So for the whole week, he has known I'm not single. Have a nice class x
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Eliza, your situation seems pretty clear cut. The guy is, as the kids say these days, trying to 'play' you. He wants to get in your pants and it's as simple as that. This is a whole can of worms I would advise heavily against opening. You're happy with your boyfriend and you've got plenty of friends, delete the guy's number and let it go.
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Right, there's those books out now that say the way to get women is to be rude to them, thus destroying their self-esteem. I always forget about those. Yeah, if that's what he's trying to do, forget him. You've got a boyfriend. If this guy's going to be rude all of a sudden, why spend the time trying to be his friend?
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Turns out this girl I've been digging on is someone I knew when I was a freshman in high school.
What the fuuuuuuck?
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Eliza, this dude sounds like an ass no matter what. Why keep him around at all? It does sound like he is just trying to get laid, and you know what he is going to do once he gets what he wants from you? He is going to start completely ignoring you. And that'd be the nicest thing he'll do. Seriously, just delete him out of your phone and your life.
(And jesus! You have a boyfriend! What the hell are you doing worrying about this guy?? Even if you were single, my advice to you would be the same. But jesus, do yourself and your boyfriend a favor, fucking forget about this guy.)
I'm sorry my life is so depressing, guys. But I mean, its not terrible! I still love my Davis(my best friend). He is still the most awesomest dude/person ever in the whole entire world ever. And it's awesome to have people like that in your life.
and now I have two "relationship advice thread" questions.
1. Is there a nice way to turn someone down and still be friends with them? I have a friend who I am not nearly as close to as I am my Davis, and if I just turned him down, I'm pretty sure it'd completely sour our friendship. But he constantly hits on me! And its so creepy! It makes me really completely uncomfortable. I don't know what to do.
2. How would you feel if your current boyfriend hung out with a girl that he used to fool around with, alone? One of my very good friend and I used to sort of be a thing. We used to fool around a lot. I've only spent one naked night at his house. The same time we were fooling around, he was fooling around with another girl. Which was fine and dandy, because we were just friends who liked to play with each others bits. At some point, he and I sort of lost touch, and he and this girl got closer, and started dating. We started talking again right at the beginning of their official relationship. He is one of my really good friends, and the whole time I've known him he has been a bit mopey, but after they became a thing, he got incredibly happy, and this makes me incredibly happy. I love talking to him now because he is always in such a fanstastic mood, and it makes me very happy to know he is happy. Anyway, he and I haven't hung out in awhile, and I've been dying to hang out again. His current lady is 32. I am 20. And he is 26. Overall, I've got no beef with hanging out with the both of them, but I just don't know. I don't think I'd have much in common with a 32 year old. I mean, "hey! Your boyfriend's dick has been in my mouth, too!" and "you're ten years younger than my mom!" don't seem like great conversations. So, basically, I kinda want to hang out with him alone, like we used to, minus the swapping of spit, and bodily fluids. I have no intentions of doing anything more than hanging out with him. He says she'd never have a problem with us, but I don't know. I don't want to screw things up for him. I really like that he is happy. Would it be strange for us to hang out alone?
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#1 - If the guy hits on you and creeps you out you ought to tell him to cut it out and you're not under any sort of moral obligation to spare his feelings. You'd probably be doing him a favor by showing him that women don't find such behavior acceptable. There might not be a way to let him down gently while also making it clear that what he's doing is creepy, but even if he gets angry and hates you for awhile, if he's the sort of person worth having around he'll get over it. As a general rule the longer you let this slide the harder it will be to put a stop to it. He could be under the impression that you like or are encouraging him. So give him all the assurances you can that you don't hate him and that you like him as a friend but you really aren't appreciating the way he acts. If he can't handle that, tough tits for him, you did what you could.
#2 - If you have no intention of messing around with this dude, and he has no intention of messing around with him, then there's honestly no problem. And this woman shouldn't have a problem, she's far too old to be jealous and possessive. It's obvious you're intimidated by the thought of this woman but I know a lot of people who are friends with their exes, and the exes are friends with their current lovers! You guys were never an item, you were fuck buddies, and she shouldn't be threatened by that. Don't rule out hanging out with the both of them. Have you met her before?
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You're never too old for jealousy. I would say go ahead and invite her to hang out as well. If she doesn't think you'll have anything to say to each other, she can always be the one to say no, but by letting her be the one to say no, you make it clear that you're not trying to threaten her relationship with him.
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I haven't met her, and in general she seems to be a pretty great and awesome person. When I had some living situation problems, she offered me a place to stay. And when I was maybe going to sue my parents, she along with him, offered me advice and help. While I was on the phone with him, discussing what to do, she was in the background telling him what I could do, and helping him find numbers for me. She even told him to give me her number in case I needed to call someone while he was at work. He declined to give out her number.
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Well then I would be hard-pressed to see a potential problem here! She knows who you are, in all likelihood she knows your history with her boy and it doesn't bother her at all. I mean she offered you a place to crash, for fuck's sake. You don't get that every day.
Odd that the boy would refuse to hand out her number when she told him to. What's his angle?
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It's possible that your friend himself might feel awkward hanging out with both of you. Have you talked to him about it?
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I haven't talked to him about all three of us hanging out, and I'm not really sure how he feels about it all. He didn't want to give me her number. He made it a point to tell me that she has been in open relationships all her life. Its confusing and complicated.
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my new dude doesn't like jawbreaker. what do i do?!
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Emaline, I'd relax about it if I were you. The two of them probably have their shit basically covered, people who are used to open relationships generally do. I wouldn't worry about upsetting them or making them awkward, because it sounds like that's something that is less likely to happen to them than to you, so just relax about it and let them handle things how they will. I have some experience with women who are in their early 30s and are used to open relationships, and basically what it tells me is that she is likely to be a totally safe person who will stay cool about just about anything you do that isn't motivated by actual malice for her (and I strongly doubt that you'll have anything like that anytime soon).
Basically what I am saying is that you should totally hang out with the two of them together and/or him alone (or even her alone! Maybe you'll become friends! You never know, it's totally possible.) Just trust that they won't get all weird about you and it'll probably work out that way.
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my new dude doesn't like jawbreaker. what do i do?!
dump his ass.
so anyway, in a completely unrelated matter...have i ever told you how much i like Jawbreaker?
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my new dude doesn't like jawbreaker. what do i do?!
Make him a mix called "The Official Greatest Mix Of The Awesomest Music Ever" and secretly put Jawbreaker on there. Then he will realize that he does actually like them.
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my new dude doesn't like jawbreaker. what do i do?!
Make him a mix called "The Official Greatest Mix Of The Awesomest Music Ever" and put nothing but Jawbreaker on there.
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my new dude doesn't like jawbreaker. what do i do?!
Accept that not everyone is going to like the same things that you do and that having similar music tastes is really not what a relationship should be based on.
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Wow. Just wow. I am not even going to dignify that with an response.
And SWM: :wink:
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Is that because you think I was taking you seriously or you're actually offended by the idea of it not mattering that someone doesn't like Jawbreaker?
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just out of curiosity, how important is it to all of you that your significant other shares your taste in music, art, etc?
I guess that for me, this type of similarity plays a really big part in attraction. I hung out with this cool guy today who likes all the music that I've been getting into lately, and it just made it easier to hit it off. I can't imagine being in a serious relationship with someone whose music tastes drastically differ from my own because music is really important to me and it's something that I enjoy sharing.
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my new dude doesn't like jawbreaker. what do i do?!
Accept that not everyone is going to like the same things that you do and that having similar music tastes is really what a relationship should be based on.
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Certain similarities can be kind of important but they become less so as you get to know the person. You might start to like someone because they have similar tastes or interests to you but they only need to be similar, not exactly the same. For instance, my girlfriend doesn't like black metal. Since I'm in a black metal band (and obviously really like black metal) this could be a point of contention between us but honestly you just find out other things that you like to do together. Trying to force your interests onto someone isn't going to help things because no one wants to feel like their partner is trying to change them. I don't try to force Ingelise to listen to Gorgoroth and she doesn't try to force me to listen to Nickelback.
By all means take a shot at introducing them to something you think is rad because they might think it is rad but there are more important things to worry about than if you both like the same band.
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i don't think it's that silly. common interests are a big part of relationships. for me, some are more important than others. when it comes to music, it's really important to me and i spend a lot of time listening, talking or writing about the music i listen to. if i'm dating someone and i find the majority of what they listen to repulsive, and vice versa, it's not just a minor disagreement - in my case it's actually a really big part of my life that i can't share with them and a pretty huge dealbreaker tbh. disagreements in other areas of my life that aren't so integral to who i am wouldn't be as big a deal.
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just out of curiosity, how important is it to all of you that your significant other shares your taste in music, art, etc?
I guess that for me, this type of similarity plays a really big part in attraction. I hung out with this cool guy today who likes all the music that I've been getting into lately, and it just made it easier to hit it off. I can't imagine being in a serious relationship with someone whose music tastes drastically differ from my own because music is really important to me and it's something that I enjoy sharing.
not important at all. my gf and i like completely opposite types of music. but we like the same types of movies so its all good.
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I understand that there will be different musical tastes between people. But there should be some intersection. Especially since most of the people I know around my age range (that'd be 16-24) seem to have music playing near constantly if possible. If there is no intersection in taste (ie, you're a lotta country, I'm a lotta rock'n'roll) there are going to be disagreements.
Also, if you think that just because a guy is at a ska show that all he listens to is ska, you are just stupid. Sorry Megan from Flagstaff, you're stupid.
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it's not even like, I'm afraid of disagreeing with someone. this is going to sound really dumb but when I'm really into a song, it feels almost the same way as being really into a person. I just can't stop thinking about it and I feel really amazing and full.
I feel similarly about books and comic books, because when I think they're great I want to talk about them, but they involve a much more significant time commitment than does a song so I can understand if the person I'm with doesn't want to read all the stupid shit that I'm reading. I don't feel the same way about movies, because I'm just not as into them and I can just go watch them with someone else. art is so personal to me that when I find a piece that I love I don't want to necessarily show everyone I know.
huh.
EDIT: I used the word "feel" four times in this post.
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Thinking about it now, all the girls that I think are awesome/attractive that have similar tastes in music to me are either too old for me, or too far away (Florida...).
Which sucks. Bad.
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I couldn't possibly care any less about what kind of art a potential partner likes. The idea of selecting based on the idea hits me as unfathomably silly. But to each their own, I guess.
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Liking the same music is a plus, but it's by no means necessary. I have friends and internets who like the same music as me - I don't need a girl to as well. Friends and girlfriends take on entirely different roles for me - qualities I look for in a friend are not necessarily qualities I look for in a girl.
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I have to disagree. the qualities i look for in a girl are the same that i look for from my closest friends.
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to be fair, almost everyone i have met who has really clicked with me cos they are funny and cool and smart and whatever has not only been into music but also been into maybe at least 75% of the same music that i am into, so (for me anyway) in most cases personality type and interests seem to just kind of go hand in hand and i'm not really as superficial and judgmental as i might seem to be.
and yeah, i look for the same qualities in partners as i do in friends too. partners got to be friends first imo.
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I have to disagree. the qualities i look for in a girl are the same that i look for from my closest friends.
I feel the term 'girlfriend' is a misnomer. A girlfriend is more than just a friend who is a girl, and should be treated that way. Just treating her like a close friend is a waste; you've already got some of those - but, unless you are a polygamist, you've only got one girlfriend. The possibilities for great things to do with your significant other that you can't do with your friends are countless - why sit around and play games, or discuss sports, when there are so many more exciting options?
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to be fair, almost everyone i have met who has really clicked with me cos they are funny and cool and smart and whatever has not only been into music but also been into maybe at least 75% of the same music that i am into, so (for me anyway) in most cases personality type and interests seem to just kind of go hand in hand and i'm not really as superficial and judgmental as i might seem to be.
and yeah, i look for the same qualities in partners as i do in friends too. partners got to be friends first imo.
So, basically, you do your dating on Last.FM?
Oh, man, that was wrong, I'm sorry.
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Oh, man, that was wrong, I'm sorry.
no offense taken, it's cool.
basically it is not really all that unusual for me to, after meeting someone who i really like and is very similar to me, end up asking them about music and subsequently find out that, hey, what do you know, they're really into music and they seem to like most if not all the same stuff i do. for me it seems to just be part of a bigger type of personality in general. subsequently, people who like music radically different to what i like or don't give a shit about music at all usually end up being totally different from me in about a thousand other ways too. when it comes to dating, i do tend to see similar interests as an absolute given and probably wouldn't ever consider dating anyone who didn't share them, but i don't think it is shallow cos i see it as just having similar personality types and in the end we do usually end up being more compatible as friends or partners anyway. i feel like this question gets asked a lot cos of the hypothetical "well, what if you met someone who was totally perfect but didn't like sonic youth" scenario, but honestly, that is a silly question because it doesn't ever really actually happen! everyone i have met who i have really liked or expressed any interest in has liked sonic youth cos the type of people who are like me and who i would like also like sonic youth. that is just how it goes.
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Dear Relationship Thread,
How can I go about rediscovering the sensation of affection?
Cordially,
James
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I like how that's what you thought I when I used the word affection.
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If a girl likes nickelback I won't even look at her.
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I once dated a girl that kept trying to make me listen to Good Charlotte.
Maybe that's why I'm so fucked up.
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If a girl likes nickelback I won't even look at her.
Amazing.
My boyfriend doesn't like jawbreaker, or half the music I like, but we kinda work. He like a lot more Doom and D-beat than me, when we are in the same city, it just means sometimes we go to different shows and meet up afterwards. I find it harder that he doesn't like dancing and I do!
To reply to all the lovely replies to my question. Part of the reason I'm bummed out, is because I'm so bothered. But it's nice having strangers on the internet telling me to stop being stupid. I like meeting new people, esp. ones that want to go to art galleries with me! (My boyfriend will, but we can't really have conversations about it in the same way.) I'm glad to know in my short rambling rant made him sound dickish. If nothing else I feel better. Thankyou internets! (Although...the guy in question DOES like jawbreaker, would this change anyone's answer? :lol:)
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Maybe that's why I'm so fucked up.
THE LITTLE THINGS LITTLE THINGS ALWAYS THEY ALWAYS HANG AROUND
THE LITTLE THINGS LITTLE THINGS THEY TRY TO BREAK ME DOWN
THE LITTLE THINGS LITTLE THINGS THEY JUST WON'T GO AWAY
THE LITTLE THINGS LITTLE THINGS MAKE ME WHO I AM TODAY
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I have never listened to Jawbreaker, so no. Sometimes I will eat a jawbreaker, though.
Dear Relationship Thread,
How can I go about rediscovering the sensation of affection?
Cordially,
James
Come to the states so I can give you hugs and bake you cupcakes.
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Is that because you think I was taking you seriously or you're actually offended by the idea of it not mattering that someone doesn't like Jawbreaker?
Naw, b, it's because I have a sense of humour.
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to be fair, almost everyone i have met who has really clicked with me cos they are funny and cool and smart and whatever has not only been into music but also been into maybe at least 75% of the same music that i am into
I guess this goes for me, too - most of my friends even like the same type of music as I do, and they are all open to new things (as I try to be). it just happened that way? I dunno.
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On the music issue:
This new guy I'm dating has no taste whatsoever in music. He seriously thinks that U2 is a good band. I mean come on! But he's really really nice and I am still going out with him.
I.e. I find it pretty important to be compatible in regard to taste in music etc., because I'm a huge music nerd, but what I learned from this is probably that it can work out in spite of the other person's taste? At least as long as they are willing to listen to new things and broaden their horizon. The person I was a couple of years ago probably would have dumped the guy for his taste but it occurred to me that this would be a pretty small-minded thing to do.
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see, I basically don't date, so I feel really silly talking about this. but would any of you dump someone if they were really, hideously ugly? like, be honest with yourself. if you're just not attracted to someone, then you aren't, and that's hard to overlook. and for me, physical attraction is not totally unimportant, but there are certain other things that play into attraction. I would rather not date a guy with terrible music taste in the same way I wouldn't want to date a guy with a terrible sense of humor.
then again, I really don't date. I feel kind of shallow now.
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I dunno, for me, music taste is an issue. And I have a history of dating ferocious music elitists. This only causes a problem when we have different music we are snobs about, which is the case in my current predicament. Him: 80s goth, metal, freak folk (Akron/Family, old Animal Collective, etc.), 80s/90s indie pop (Beat Happening, The Vaselines, etc.) where as I am into 90s-current indie rock, rap, punk, 90s emo and hipster scum electro. This issue also makes it super difficult to pick out makeout music.
AND ALLY: I wouldn't date someone who was 'hideously ugly'. And frankly, I don't think that makes me a bad person.
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Ally, I wouldn't dump someone for being really, hideously ugly because I wouldn't start dating someone who was really, hideously ugly.
In terms of music, it's borderline irrelevant if you share additional common interests. If you don't share common interest in music, move onto another hobby you might share, if you don't have any other hobbies, the problem is that you are a boring person and should consider expanding your horizons. My girlfriend is really into the new Britney Spears single and I've been known to listen to my fair share of terrible music, but this is largely irrelevant because we have many other similar interests. You really only need a handful to make it work. Rachel and I listen to different music, have different taste in sports (She loves American football, I prefer baseball) and our taste in movies is on at least slightly different wavelengths (Every time we commit to watching a movie, we generally both love it, but we've spent a good hour trying to compromise what to watch), but we both like WoW and have nearly identical taste in TV and bunches of other little things.
There really should be no one definitive hobby you should let get in the way of a relationship if the other person is similarly mature enough to let you enjoy it without interfering with it. Any well rounded individual should have enough hobbies that you can fall back on a different interest.
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"Ohh, I love your fat, pudgy belly. It's cute the way you wheeze and click in your sleep, though I think it's a good thing we're both sound sleepers. I like popping your pimples and plucking your bushy eyebrows. I'm willing to look past the decay of your greening, almost translucent toenails. We can fix those, too.
mom?
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2 cents:
I think that music taste doesn't really matter all that much as long as the person is willing to give other genres a chance.
If they refuse to listen to music that you happen to like and always play stuff they like when you are around there might be a problem.
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You only have the luxury of discriminating based on musical taste if you have common musical taste. I've never encountered anyone on- or off-line that shares my particular musical interests, and I've looked for a long time. The best I can do is gravitate towards people who like a few things that I enjoy, and even those people seem to be fairly scarce.
y'all are spoiled.
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The only way I wouldn't date someone based purely on music tastes is if they only listened to music I absolutely hate. I will listen to just about basically anything once, but I know what I don't like. Besides, some dude who's top 3 favorite things are Nickelback, Celine Dion, and gangsta rap has serious issues. I think I'm more elitist about movies and art than I am music.
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Tania's ideas are what I think are correct regarding other people's musical tastes. If music is important to you it will be a big deal to your relationship. I think it comes down to if they a person who enjoys music and is willing to listen to something and evaluate it on it's own merits. Lots of music is really good, and most decent rational people will probably like what I like, because frankly I think it is good music.
If you are what I like in people and I am what you like in people then most likely we will like the same things in music/art/food/literature. I could love someone who didn't like my favorite bands if I could still have intelligent discourse about music with them. Furthermore, a person is more attractive if they have different tastes and they can enhance my life with it.
So, basically, you do your dating on Last.FM?
Tried that, did not end well.
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Furthermore, a person is more attractive if they have different tastes and they can enhance my life with it.
This.
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yeah, that makes a ton of sense to me. maybe I should amend my terminology; by "taste" I mean "general inclination," as in, I seek a partner who shares an inclination towards the same types of music. I guess "taste" implies that I'm expecting someone to like every band that I do.
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Strip away all your possessions. They're not important.
Strip away your clothes. Those aren't important either.
Hair? Nuh-uh.
Interest? Nah.
Face? Forget it.
Picture yourself naked, completely exposed, in the middle of a nothing. A big nothing where your favourite bands, TV shows, activities do not exist.
Everything is a dressing, we are more than a sum of our interest. There are ugly people and there are beautiful people. All covered in dressing.
The outcome of relationships has little to do with dressing beyond initial attraction.
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Regarding music, it's only borderline irrelevant if you think it is.
I think the important thing is to realize that the converse is also true; music is only really relevant if people think it is. Quite simply, some people use music to define themselves and send messages about who they are as a person while other people may just be listening to music because somebody happened to leave the radio on at work. While music can be representative of a person's values and personalities, there's also going to be plenty of times where making judgements based on musical tastes will be roughly as accurate as reading tea leaves; hell, sometimes it's going to be markedly less accurate since music often carries cultural baggage that a casual listener may be unaware of. For example, Jimmy posted that he likes black metal and is in a black metal band. There's any number of assumptions I could try and make based off that information, but at the end of the day, all I would be doing is trying to see how what stereotypes I can match Jimmy up to in my head. Call me crazy, but that just seems like a rather poor way of going about things.
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Everything is a dressing, we are more than a sum of our interest. There are ugly people and there are beautiful people. All covered in dressing.
All I am imagining are naked people slathered in ranch.
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In the end, aren't we all just naked monkeys dipped in ranch dressing?
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freak folk (Akron/Family, old Animal Collective, etc.), 80s/90s indie pop (Beat Happening, The Vaselines, etc.)
Julia, you should give me your boyfriend.
And actually I prefer it when the boy's tastes and my tastes are similar but not the same like how you and he are. This is why I gravitate slightly toward more rock oriented dudes, cuz I am still hell of tweepop (I bought a Murder City Devils album today though to maybe balance it out more. It's the one with Boom Swagger Boom which is the best song)
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I have never listened to Jawbreaker, so no. Sometimes I will eat a jawbreaker, though.
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Naw, b, it's because I have a sense of humour.
Methinks our senses of humour do not match up well.
see, I basically don't date, so I feel really silly talking about this. but would any of you dump someone if they were really, hideously ugly? like, be honest with yourself. if you're just not attracted to someone, then you aren't, and that's hard to overlook. and for me, physical attraction is not totally unimportant, but there are certain other things that play into attraction. I would rather not date a guy with terrible music taste in the same way I wouldn't want to date a guy with a terrible sense of humor.
then again, I really don't date. I feel kind of shallow now.
I know it probably sounds a bit shallow but you can't fuck a personality. I've known people who were entirely fun, charming and genuinely lovely people but if there is no physical, sexual attraction there then there is little point pursuing a relationship as it will ultimately fail (this is different when someone's physical attractiveness is altered later by external factors; accidents, diseases etc...). In the end there needs to be enough physical attraction to create the impetus for a relationship to be initiated or it would just never go anywhere, you'd just be friends.
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If they refuse to listen to music that you happen to like and always play stuff they like when you are around there might be a problem.
my boyfriend doesn't exactly refuse to listen to my music, but he just seems really disinterested in it, and there have been times when i have sent him stuff that i thought he might enjoy, and he'll be all like "oh hey, this is kind of nice" and then go back to listening to linkin park and other awful things. i don't think this is a total dealbreaker, but it feels like a slap in the face because i am a huge music geek, and i can't even discuss music with him without him seeming disinterested, and it's somewhat disappointing.
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see, I basically don't date, so I feel really silly talking about this. but would any of you dump someone if they were really, hideously ugly? like, be honest with yourself. if you're just not attracted to someone, then you aren't, and that's hard to overlook. and for me, physical attraction is not totally unimportant, but there are certain other things that play into attraction. I would rather not date a guy with terrible music taste in the same way I wouldn't want to date a guy with a terrible sense of humor.
then again, I really don't date. I feel kind of shallow now.
Well physical attraction is an important part of a relationship, and personally, I wouldn't try to get into a relationship with someone I didn't already find attractive. Come on, I want a girl that I can walk with in broad daylight, not just at midnight.
On the music issue:
This new guy I'm dating has no taste whatsoever in music. He seriously thinks that U2 is a good band. I mean come on! But he's really really nice and I am still going out with him.
U2 is a good band.
Tried that, did not end well.
The most action I get from Last.FM is a Czech chick who's obsessed with Jamaicans/Brazilians/Africans.
She is cute tho'.
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Ally, come to Northwestern. "But he's so funny" is pretty much our tagline.
On the topic of music tastes/common interests, I feel as if I inadvertently got myself into a bit of a pickle. On the one hand, I tend to be attracted to guys who share my taste in some facet of pop culture; on the other, I totally, totally abhor the elitist attitude that that taste generally comes with. So I am initially limiting myself to a fairly small portion of my immediate dating pool, and then further narrowing it down to the few dudes who maintain a kind of snobbish taste with a fairly populist attitude. Is this ridiculous?
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Ally, come to Northwestern. "But he's so funny" is pretty much our tagline.
dating scene at northwestern pretty bare? a lot of my friends struggled to find cool people to date when we went there.
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Fuck you, relationships :x
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Tommy surely you aren't suggesting physical beauty as a metric for the values of someone's opinions?
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I have never listened to Jawbreaker, so no. Sometimes I will eat a jawbreaker, though.
I could swear we played Jawbreaker for you at Bostoncon.
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If you did, it wasn't worth remembering. Oh snap.
(I don't remember Jawbreaker, but I do remember Boris and that you did play some other stuff and it just wasn't my cup of tea.)
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I am pretty sure Jawbreaker fell into that category.
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On the "how important is musical taste?" issue ...
It is not important to me that someone listens to the same music I do. However, if someone does, it is definitely an indicator to me that they might listen to that music for the same reasons as I do, which is really really attractive to me because it means we can share the experience of listening to music by enjoying the same aspects of it. I personally listen mainly to slower, deeper, more psychedelic, more bass-heavy music as a general rule, and I do it because I like to feel overwhelmed by sound, and it is cool when a piece of music causes a reaction in me that I am not exactly in control of. I like music that takes me out of myself due to some aspect of the sound itself (reference points: the guitar solo in "Indian Bones" by Dead Meadow, or the bass drop in "Rutten" by Skream ... these specific moments in these songs consistently create physical sensations in my body and therefore alter my mind in their own way, and it's moments like that that I look for in music).
It's not that I want someone who has the same list of artists in their iTunes as I do. It's that I want someone who, when I am given a new experience by a piece of music, can share that reaction with me or at least sense what is happening in me when I have it ... in other words, someone who listens for the same things in music as I do.
I have trouble connecting on a musical level to someone who listens to music primarily for lyrics. Lyrics are generally last on my list of priorities when I listen to a piece of music, so someone who listens to music for completely different reasons from mine will probably not be able to understand why I listen to the music I listen to ... and that's more important than actually sharing interest in the specific artists I listen to, by a long shot.
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Dear Relationship Advice thread,
How do you make friends?
Thanks,
Emaline
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i just hang out with my friend's friends and they eventually become my friends too. I don't remember how i got those first couple of friends though.
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I've met all of my close friends in school actually. My two best friends and I met when we were six, and we became friends because they thought I seemed lonely since I was the new kid in class and also very shy. One of them only came over to my house because her mom told her to do it. This is probably not the answers to how to make friends in general, but I think it's a cute story anyway.
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it's a lot easier when you're in school, admittedly. i met most of my current friends in classes and through my various part-time jobs, volunteer positions and other friends.
if you're not in school, finding something fun to do outside of work like taking some classes or volunteering might help you meet people who share your interests.
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Ok, let me rephrase my question
Dear Relationship thread,
How do you make friends if you are not in schol, stuck in a lease that won't be up until February, working 40 hours+ a week with people who think you are strange*, in a small town?
Thanks,
Emaline
*people who work in a record store think I have strange tastes in music. I was talking about playing music for my plants and one person said "just make sure you don't play anything strange or scary." And I said "well, I mostly play for them whatever I've been listening to lately" and their response was "right. Don't play anything strange for them"
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Emaline: do something in your free time.
Before I moved to where I live now, I had rather few good friends. Then a guy told me that there was a sword-fighting club in town, so I checked it out. It was awesome, incredibly nerdy, and all the people I have met there are completely awesome. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you need to find something that you really like, and find other people doing the same.
Dear relationship thread: last night I spoiled two guys chances of getting laid by flirting with the girls they were trying to sex up. The thing is, these girls are far too old for any flirtation between me and them to lead to anything. Does this mean that I'm a fucking bastard?
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Emaline, try taking a community art class or something when you've got free time. Or go to bars and start conversations with people. You could even have a get together at your house and you tell your friends to invite other friends. I think most of the people I've met recently have been friends of friends and the internet.
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Recently, I have my two friends over whenever possible. They have no friends either. We once went to starbucks and posted an ad on craigslist telling people to meet us there. Nobody showed up.
The closest community college is in a town that the bus doesn't go to(yet. I think they are building a station closer to there, so maybe they will start having buses go there). I've thought about taking some classes there in the past, but not having a way to get there causes a lot of problems.
In my spare time recently, I've taken up playing my bass. On my porch. With my volume turned up to a decent level. I thought maybe people would say something to me, but no one has.
When I'm not playing bass, I am painting, which requires supplies, so I go to the art store a lot. I've tried talking to people there, but so far nothing.
When I'm not painting, I'm reading, which makes me go to Borders a lot. I've talked to some of the workers there, but nothing seems to go beyond, "you like Neil Gaimen? Me too!"
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Who doesn't like Neil Gaiman?
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Recently, I have my two friends over whenever possible. They have no friends either.
This doesn't make sense.
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The bigger point to be drawn from those experiences is that most people at Borders are not there in active pursuit of friendship - they're there to buy a book, and get the fuck out. The burden is on you to charm their pants off, or do whatever it is you do, to kind of make your mark on their existence, and to instigate the opportunity for a second meet-up. Basically 1. give them a reason to want to see you again (your stellar personality and/or superior taste in whichever area of common interest) and 2. give them opportunity to see you again.
I am like the loneliest drifter, though, do not take my advice without a grain of salt.
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Dear Relationship Advice thread,
How do you make friends?
Thanks,
Emaline
Go to parties with current friends. Or so what I do. Hang around Universities. :|
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I would never dump somebody because they were hideously ugly. I don'T think I would even date them to begin with. I have this friend who I've had a thing for for years and when he finally was single and available and told me he was into me I couldn't even bring myself to touch him because I was grossed out by him. He's a fairly cool person, he just has poor personal hygiene. Like, he has the most amazing character which is probably what I was attracted to, but his teeth are yellow and he can't stop bitin his nails and he picks on himself all the time and cracks his knuckles and I wouldn't mind all of that at all if he could do it in private where I didn't have to see it, godamnit! I hope this doesn't make me a shallow bitch, but I'll risk that.
Anyhoo. Guys, can I ask some advice about a relationship question? I would really appreciate it because my situation is getting increasinly uncomfortable. it involves my flatmates though and I'm not sure if that counts. Advice would very much appreciated though. So I'm a girl, and I live in University halls in a flat with five other girls, none of whom I knew at all before we moved in together. There are three who behave like they are the bosses, and three "outsiders" one of which I am. Recently, the three bosses have really been going crazy. They put up these little notes, like instructions on how to do your dishes and stupid stuff like that. I mean, who do they think they are? I get along with the two other girls fairly well, they are my friends but sadly neither of them is home very much. So it's basically me against the three others. The situation is getting gradually worse, I really feel that they hate my guts. Why? because I'm different. I don't really know why. But whenever I come into the kitchen and they are there, it's incredibly uncomfortable. I'm really making an effort to be friendly, but they will barely say hello to me. They hold grudges for ages, too. I feel that they are punishing me for my life choiced and because I'm different. Yes, I like to have different boys over, so what? Apparently in their book, that makes me a slut who is best not talked to. They probably also notice that something is wrong with me, i.e. the bipolar thing, because I guess there is no way they coud NOT notice that. But coming clear about myself is out of the question, that is a fairly personal thing and I'll only tell that to people I like and who I feel comfortable with. I wouldn't want to give them any more ammunition against me. So maybe that makes them really insecure and they don't know how to treat me, but they don't ask me about it and instead choose to treat me with what I feel is contempt.
So I guess I have three options: a) Move the hell out. b) Ignore the narrow-minded prudes and let it be their problem. c) Try to make amends and improve the realtionship. I feel like I've attempted to do c) any number of times, but then I'll slip and a scruffy naked guy will walk from my room to the bathroom and one of them will see and be offended.
Sorry this is so longwinded. I guess I'm a little spaced out. All I want is to live with people who are open-minded and cool and around who I can just be myself and where I don't have to watch every goddamn step I make. Is that really too much to ask?
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Krina:
I've been in this situation from both sides, on one hand I've lived with two people in long tearm relationships and I'd just had a marrige enulled and gone a bit ummmm. "wild". My housemates were none too chuffed with a parade of scruffy men either. But it was the not keeping the house clean they really hated and blamed the fact I always had someone over for this fact, not to mention two people make more mess than one.
I've also rented my spare room to a guy who brought horrible skanky girls home, he actually locked me out of my own sitting room/kitchen to fuck one of them VERY loudly. I threw him out after that. These girls were so nasty I started locking a lot of my things in my room, I was honestly worried about them being stolen, which sucked as I owned then house. He was my lodger.
From both of these I reallised: Living with other people can be hard.
My flat mates were sort of right, it can be a bit invasive if someone has people over all the time.
Notes are for assholes, conversations are for grown - ups. If people on reality shows can sit down and talk about stuff ANYONE CAN!
Living with people from the same social circle/lifestyle etc. is a very good idea (Unless they like boinking skanks.)
My taste in men is not as bad as I thought .
Move out, or go back to theirs! Hope that's even slightly helpful.
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It's not as if I have terrible guys over ALL THE TIME. I have someone over probably twice a week, and those are mostly the same two guys. My flatmates have people over all the time and they make terrible noise. I don't think it's offending to them that I have people over, because we all do that - and apart from maybe some sex-noise which is definitively not crazy loud, we keep fairly quiet. We are certainly not the people who hoover at 9 am on a Sunday or play annoying charts music really loud at night. I have the impresson that they feel offended because I have guys over. None of the three mean girls is seeing anyone and I think that maybe they are really only jealous. One of the other girls has a boyfriend, and they made really petty jokes about how that girl and her boyfriend don't need to go to the gym instead because they have sex instead. How narropw-minded is that, please? If someone has a good sex-life, they should be happy for her, right? And the other day I got bashed because I had been to loud at night, but they made a point that I was making the noise with someone else. The vibe I get from them is that they begrudge me that I have boys coming over. As far as I know, none of them has had a date all year and none of them is what you'd call attractive so my guess is that they're really jealous. Does that make sense?
All I want is live in peace here, I don't feel the need to make these people my friends but it would be nice if we could just be polite to each other and be a little more accepting.
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*people who work in a record store think I have strange tastes in music. I was talking about playing music for my plants and one person said "just make sure you don't play anything strange or scary." And I said "well, I mostly play for them whatever I've been listening to lately" and their response was "right. Don't play anything strange for them"
Wow. Do they think that the plants will turn evil and carnivorous or something?
I am stuck in a similar situation of being in a smaller town with no friends. Since I am 27 now I feel a bit strange trying to hang out with the college crowd. All my old college friends are back west in the bigger cities. I have been given the advice to try using the Internets to find people in my area but that has not worked. Perhaps it's best to try to go to big community events and try to mingle? I dunno.
If you happen to find a solution to this small town situation send me a note. It sounds like you are trying to keep yourself social. Keep it up.
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Krina, I'll be honest, you kinda sound like a not so great roommate. When I lived with my first roommate, he'd have different girls over every week, and that was all fine and dandy, but I'd often be kept awake by their sex noises, and then I'd get to see some random girl wrapped in a blanket or a towel or a tshirt come waltzing down the hall to go to the bathroom. Its fucking annoying. Just as I don't let my naked bits hang out in public areas, I'd expect the same respect from roommates and their... friends. You will never see me naked/half naked/verging on naked in the livingroom, kitchen, hallway, office(even though it is my office and not one else uses it), or back room. These are not proper places to be naked in a shared home.
So, if you have a boy(or many boys! Or girls! Or any consenting adult! Because its your life and your vagina and you can play with whoever you want) sharing a naked night with you, and he must absolutely run to the potty, make him put on a god damn shirt and some underwear.
And tell them about your bi polarness. People out terrible jerk faces who laugh at people with disorders that they cannot control. If anything they will probably be very understanding, and maybe it will explain a lot of your behavior to them.
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No, I actually make people wear underwear / my robe.
But telling them about myself is completely out of the question.
Edit: Apart from the sex thing, I think I'm a fairly decent roommate! I clean up after myself, I take the hair out of the shower drain, I take the trash out, I cook dinner for everybody. I don't play my music too loud. These are all qualities that have made people like living with me in the past. I make an honest effort to be friendly to everybody. As for the sex thing, am I seriously expected not to have sex anymore just because I live with other people? This has never been a problem for me before because in the past I've always lived with people who were having sex as well - everybody did it and nobody complained. I don't think we're all that loud either, it's not as if I am a domina or anything. I'm sure not the person who is having a party in the flat without telling the other flatmates beforehand or inviting them!
Dire Bacterium, yes, one of them is a Christian, I don't know about the others.
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I don't suppose any of your roommates are religious, are they? Their behavior is very similar to some of the deeply christian people I've known, and if that is true of them there is no helping you. They will judge you as long as they know you and there isn't anything you can do about it.
(note: I'm not referring to all christians, just the ones that I have known who behave this way)
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krina, i've been in your situation, except i'd always have the SAME guy over, he made sure not to walk around naked, and offered to help cook and clean and we didn't actually spend a lot of time IN the apartment cause that got boring quickly so we didn't infringe on their personal space.
i don't think i was a horrible roommate. it's just that the girls i ended up living with during first year of university were sheltered hermits. :| during my second year of university, i lived with a more social group of girls, was dating the same guy, and they actually liked him and said he could stay over as often as he wanted.
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Some people just can't live together well. Try your best to talk things out, and if that doesn't work, consider moving out. Also, remember that you can't control their behavior but you can control yours. If there is little stuff that can be done (cleaning up more, etc.) do your best to do it, just in the interest of peace.
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Dear relationship thread,
A year ago I modeled for a guy, we have kept in vague contact since. I ran into him a cafe in Halifax(where I am right now), last night. We got to talking but he was just on a work break so he asked if he could have my email, later on last night he messages me on msn from his phone, asking me out to lunch today, because while he would like to go for dinner, he had to work at 2pm because of patty's day. I have never been on a proper date(Like, where I was not already someone's girlfriend for a month or so). So I figured why not, I say yes and there are a few more things, anyhow, he calls me when he gets off at 3am(I told him he could do this) when he got off work. Telling me to be ready around 11:30 so he could pick me up(I am unfamiliar with the bus system here so), but that he'd call around 11 to make sure I got up(I was a bit tipsy). Basically he was really forward and precise and seemed extremely interested and flirty. Now a few of the meeblers have told me I am too attractive for an admittedly eh looking but quite charming russian guy.
Today, woke up, got ready, sat about, waited, no call, waited, no pick up, waited waited, it's 6pm now and I am suitably confused. He has updated his facebook and seems like things are usual for him. So did I get stood up? What have I done wrong here.
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Slap him in his dumb russkie face.
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With your cock.
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So did I get stood up?
Sounds as though.
What have I done wrong here.
Nothing. This happens to people from time to time, usually through no fault of their own. Maybe he chickened out. Maybe he remembered he already has a girlfriend. Maybe he's just an asshole.
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With his severed cock.
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well, he is russian, and all russians are douchebags.
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I must fail at roommates. I feel that my roommates are some of my closest friends, and that there are certain things they should know. Being open with someone while living with them, definitely makes everyone's lives easier. My current roommates knows about my depression, my low self esteem, and my sexual prefrence. I've been at the same job for a year and they maybe know that I have low self esteem, but that's it. And I've partied with these people. Its just a lot easier to understand someone when you know more about them.
But whatevs. Obviously, I am wrong. And you should keep secrets from people you have to live with because it works out so well, and makes everyone's lives easier.
Sorry. I am being a passive agressive bitch.
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@ tender and benji:
I totally respect the common space. I always clean up after myself immediately, so that's not the issue. I just think it's really anal that they are playing the notes game. I mean, the polite thing to do would be to say it, or am I completely mistaken here? Also, due to my ups and downs I'm probably not the easiest person to live with, but I always make a point of being friendly and polite to everyone. But it's not all that nice to come into the kitchen, say "Hi everybody, how are you" with a smile and just be completely ignored. I don't want to control anybody's behaviour, but I think that basic politeness is the least I can expect, right? I feel that I really am persona non grata and the atmosphere is becoming toxic.
Also, yes, we all have our own rooms.
What I can do is change my room (I live in halls) if I pay 25 pounds. I guess I'll make an enquiry about that, and/or call a flat-meeting. I'm just in a pretty weak position, and I really want to humiliate myself in front of them. I feel like I've made numerous attempts to ameliorate the communication in the flat.
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Krina, I'll be completely honest here:
You just kind of sound like you're a shitty roommate living with other relatively, but not quite as shitty roommates. The thing that leads me to believe this is:
I'll slip and a scruffy naked guy will walk from my room to the bathroom and one of them will see and be offended.
No, I actually make people wear underwear / my robe.
These two statements? See them here? They aren't what I would call reconcilable. It leads me, the reader, to believe that you are glossing over details that may make you look unfavorable. Considering I already feel you look unfavorable in this situation, it's not helping.
But telling them about myself is completely out of the question.
This is, without question, a mistake. You have, apparently, a very serious mental disorder that has a large effect on one's social characteristics. You have this disorder and are living with five other people and you owe it to them, as a member of this small community, to give them an understanding as to what they are dealing with.
I'm twenty-five years old and have, since I was eighteen, lived with sixteen different people by last count, so I have my fair share of roommate knowledge. You are perpetrating one of the more annoying problems a roommate can make, and that is the overly open individual. Sex is cool and all, but you need to realize that you live with and must respect the wishes and boundaries of five other people. There are few things more annoying than seeing a half naked person you do not know wandering around in your hallway. Honestly, ANY coupling that involves a person who does not live there tends to be a pain in the ass, as that's one more person clogging your bathroom and infringing upon your living space that you didn't sign on for. This is doubly annoying when you're already forced to live with multiple people. You shouldn't be expected to stop having sex, but you also need to accept that you're not going to win any friends with the behavior you're exhibiting.
Please, when you respond to this, refrain from using the term "small/narrow/closed-minded" you've officially used up the entire planet's quota of that already overused and misunderstood phrase for the better part of the next decade. Seriously, I'm not seeing any real small mindedness in your description. Not everyone is open about their sexuality. If anything, you're being small minded in your refusal to accept their social mores. To be honest,t his entire thing reeks of late teen melodrama to me. My advice? Find a new living situation, this is not the one for you.
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all russians are douchebags.
hey, i'm... wait, yeah, you're right.
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if I'm half russian, am I just a bag?
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I am not Russian at all. Inexplicably, I am kind of a douche.
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if I'm half russian, am I just a bag?
you're more of an ucheb.
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not all douches and bags are russians, though. not even all douchebags. see the following diagram -
(http://img6.imageshack.us/img6/1285/russians.png)
unfortunately i am not good enough at diagrams to incorporate half-russians into this.
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Umm...
I am obviously a prevert, because that looks kinda dirty to me.
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You know, I think douches and bags are two separate circles, and a douchebag is a subset of bags. Hold on, let me diagram this in UML.
(http://www.pretentiousgamer.com/photos/douchebaguml.bmp)
See, Douchebags are a type of bag and an essential part of a douche. Russians, meanwhile, are a type of douchebag.
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Ozy, I think you hit the nail right on the head with that diagram.
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well, he is russian, and all russians are douchebags.
</3
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well, he is russian, and all russians are douchebags.
</3
(http://forums.questionablecontent.net/index.php?action=dlattach;attach=4972;type=avatar)
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In my experience Russians are douchebags until such time as you manage to communicate with them. If you can't speak the same language as them then they'll walk over your broken body if it's between them and the subway ticket office. But if, while they're doing so, you manage to croak out in Russian "please help me", they'll suddenly drop everything and drive you to the ambulance in their crappy little Russian car and personally make sure you get a room and medical attention.
But that might just be St. Petersburgians.
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We're not all horrible monsters, Harry! Yah, but that does sum up most of us pretty well. However, this brief stint of people owning up to their Soviet heritage proves we are total hotties, though. Look at the evidence.
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i hear people in moscow are douchebags too. my sister spent a year or so working there and made literally zero friends because nobody would talk to her beyond providing the absolute bare minimum help she needed with anything. there were a number of occasions where she tried to make eye contact with people and they would do this thing where they'd very obviously look away and in the opposite direction or, even worse, turn around and walk away from her in mid-conversation. she's actually a really outgoing talkative person too. i don't think i could ever go to russia because i am shy and afraid of everyone and the people would probably definitely make me cry.
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Okay, so, relationship thread, maybe you can help me.
The back story's pretty typical: When I was 15, I dated this guy with whom I was madly in love. I had lusted after him for a year, we went out for six months, and then he broke my heart. So it goes.
I've been dating this guy who I really do love for about a year. We're very compatible, he's incredibly sweet, we've got similar life goals, we've been living together for six months, and we have a lot of fun together most of the time. That said, I've never felt as consistently crazy about him as I did about that ex (in fact, I've never felt so consistently crazy about anyone else I've dated). I know, however, that in any kind of real, sustainable relationship, you're not going to be madly in love all the time. And I have plenty of moments where I'm all melty inside over my current boyfriend, even after a year together. So I'm in general not too worried about it.
The problem is that I've been having these weird dreams where I get all makey-outy and sometimes have sexytimes with that ex (who I haven't seen in about a year, mind you, and he has a girlfriend, and he's actually kind of an asshole). And I tell him about my boyfriend now. And I decide it's okay for me to cheat, because it feels good, and because I still love him. And I wake up feeling guilty--really, really guilty. I consider telling my boyfriend, but I feel like it'd be weird and would make him feel unnecessarily insecure.
Is it normal to have dreams like that? Do I subconsciously believe I'm "settling" for my boyfriend (maybe it's telling that I considered phrasing this question, "Am I settling...")? Am I being deceitful in not talking about this with him? Or is it okay for me to keep them mentally filed as a set of ridiculous dreams, try to forget them, and move on with my life?
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Yes. It is entirely normal to have dreams like that. No, in all likelihood you do not believe you are settling for your boyfriend. No, you are not at all being deceitful, it is just a dream, chill out. It is totally acceptable for you to file them away in your memory along with the lyrics to that Duran Duran song and the name of that guy you met at the post office and just lose it entirely. Whatever you do, DO NOT TELL HIM, ELIZZYBETH, WHAT ARE YOU STUPID??? It will just make him feel bad or that he's doing something wrong and really, it's probably just your psyche feeling a little sexy and dredging up a symbol of passion and lust from your subconcious.
It sounds like perhaps you are feeling a little bored in your current relationship, as you say you've been going out for a year and typically, or so I've read, every three months or so you tend to reevaluate your relationships, is it going well, is this guy right for me etc... That doesn't mean that anything is wrong and sounds perfectly natural to me. Also since you were 15 when you dated this other guy you probably were all madly in love with him but that's really just a side effect of all the crazy teenage hormones making you feel everything (not just love) much more accutely. My theory, based on limited information and entirely subject to change, is that maybe you're still in love with the ideal of your ex and the passion and lust that went along with that relationship even though he treated you badly and your current relationship sounds like a much better fit.
My advice, and if I had my masters degree I could say it was my professional opinion, is that you should maybe do something to make your current relationship a little more interesting. Go out somewhere you haven't been before/in ages. Have sex somewhere different than in the boring old bedroom (even if it's just somewhere else in the house, but make sure any housemates are out at the time). Try different positions, stuff you haven't done before, stuff you've both been fantasising about. Best case scenario is that it is all terribly sexy and awesome, worst case scenario someone falls over and gets lacerations/concussions/a broken coccyx and awkward questions at the emergency room. Any or all of these but particularly the last two would help to release some of the pent up sexual energy you might have that is bouncing around inside you and manifesting in sexy dreams about terrible guys.
The very fact that this worries you and makes you feel so guilty means that you probably have a pretty good relationship going there and that you're probably just feeling like it's a little humdrum. Some spontaneous action should alleviate that feeling.
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well, he is russian, and all russians are douchebags.
</3
I think that as a Pole my opinion is historically justified.
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My theory, based on limited information and entirely subject to change, is that maybe you're still in love with the ideal of your ex and the passion and lust that went along with that relationship even though he treated you badly and your current relationship sounds like a much better fit.
This is pretty spot on. You will probably never have that same emotional rush you did with him. You will never again have your first love. That doesn't mean that your current relationship isn't as deep. It probably has the potential to be deeper. But you're older now and that rush of emotions will never come again. A large part of that is that it was the first time you experienced those emotions, and so everything was new and exciting.
Regarding dreaming about your ex: I still dream about all of my exes from time to time, and someone from college that I had thing for but that we could never quite make happen. It happens. It's generally not a big deal.
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But you're older now and that rush of emotions will never come again.
Based on my own experience in my mid 40s, I would disagree.
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Okay, could be wrong. I've definately been more in love then I was with my first love, but I've never again had the confusing euphoric rush where I didn't know which end is up.
EDIT: I should also say that I was incredibly rushed with that first post, and probably should have thought about what I was saying a bit more. What I meant was, falling in love will never be a completely new experience again. There's always excitement with relationships, but I think after you've been through it once or twice, you kind of understand the feelings a bit more. That sense of something new and unexpected is always exciting, and I think it's a uniquely intense experience when it's not just a new person or a new stage in the relationship, but when the idea of being in a relationship is something entirely new.
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Sadly, Russia sounds like the place for me. I try to keep interaction to a minimum unless I already have a rapport with the person. It's honestly fairly random and inexplicable when I feel at all interested in someone.
Unless they're pretty.
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Obsessions - thanks for your point of view. I'll make a point of not using the term "narrow-minded". ;) I'm pretty sure that I only said that because I was upset and I needed to vent. Can you see that? Also, if people talk about their issues, they tend to voice things in a fairly subjective manner. I'd NEVER say to my flatmates "you narrow-minded, stuck-up bitches!". I try to make a point of treating people the way I want to be treated, so I'm really trying hard to be friendly and polite to people, no matter whether I like them or not.
You're right, it sounds like teen drama. What can I say, you live and learn. But I'm honestly trying. I mean, I asked you guys for advice, for example, doesn't that say something? I know I'm fairly immature, which is because I was brought up as an extremely sheltered little princess. So adapting to the real world doesn't always go without bumps along the road.
You might have a point that it would be better to be upfront about my issue. However - I've been in that situation where I've had to explain about myself A LOT. In my experience, a lot of people have prejudices against that sort of thing. I've experienced that if you feel uncomfortable with telling someone about that sort of thing, it's probably best if you don't do it. That's just my experience, I appreciate your viewpoint, but in the end I guess I just have to do what feels right to me because it's me who's living my life and not you. Also, and I will word this extremely careful so as not to step on any landmines, in my very limited experience of the world in general and the matter of living with people in especial, people who have very set opinions on how the dishes have to be done and how the kitchen furniture has to be arranged and who talk about other people the way my flatmates do, *might* not be the most open-minded people in the world and therefore *might*, just might, not be all that open-minded about mental issues. Of course I could be proven wrong, but the risk is too big for me. If you tell something like that to the wrong person, it can completely ruin a person's reputation, I've seen it happen and I really don't want that to happen to me. Once I've said the words, I can't take them back. Also, everybody has their ups and downs, and as long as I manage to be civil and not throw a tantrum in public and manage to be polite, I don't think I owe anybody any explanation about myself.
Also, I'm not really sure why you have the impression that I'm a "kind of a shitty roommate". The naked thing happened once or twice. I probably should have been clearer about that. Yes, I have boys over. However, my flatmates have their friends over too, and probably more so than me. Hell, one of the other girls basically has her best friend living here. Yes, sex noise can be a pain. However, I'm not the only one - one of the other girls has her boyfriend over all the time. Also, people will have sex, there's nothing you can do to prevent it. Apart from castration maybe? (joke) The girls I don't get on with that well made jokes about my flatmat's sex life that seemed inappropriate to me. Also, it doesn't seem right to me if people make jokes about MY friend in MY presence. Hence the "narrow-minded" comment. Apart from the fact that I am a sexual being, I'm fairly quiet, I don't have gatherings without talking to the others about it beforehand, I clean up my mess. I've lived with a fair share of people as well and I've been to boarding school (in boarding school, you could count yourself lucky if other people were not having sex in your bed, having sex in the same room as other people was common practice) - I've never felt this uncomfortable with people I lived with before and most people I've lived with actually liked living with me. So I think it's really not all me!
Can I still post here or do you all think that I'm a horrible bitch now? :( I only wrote this essay to show you that I'm a decent person (I hope), I'm just a confused little girl who is TRYING, does that count for something?
It all doesn't really matter any more because I've found a new place to live.
tl;dr - I'm half Czech, what does that make me?
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Honestly, from reading your posts, I think you just got stuck with bad roommates. I don't know them, so I can't say they are bad people, but some people just are not good roommates. One of my meatlife friends had a situation like this in college and it was really hard on her. The only way she could fix her situation was move out. She did it the nice way, though, by helping to find a replacement roommate and not just up and leaving. From the way they are treating you, first I think you should try to have a meeting with everyone in the house and try to figure out what's going on. If that doesn't improve anything, you should probably start looking for somewhere else to live and see if you can sublet your spot. You're supposed to feel welcome where you live, not feel like someone who's invading foreign territory.
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Czechs are responsible for Pilsner Urquell and are therefore judged to be outstanding people.
Slovaks are also acceptable since Hostel 1 and 2 took place in their country.
The jury is still out on ukrainians, belarussians, and latvians.
Lithuanians are ok too.
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Dear relationships thread, I am now the only remaining virgin in my house (at uni) usually I would not find this especially worrying, especially in regard to the fact that one of my housemates apparently needs... chemical help, in order to get it up. But I couldn't help but wonder as I walked through the park today as to wether or not I am not having a relationship because I don't want one, or because I am too afraid to, I mean I had a relationship last year and it was bad, I certainly did not enjoy it despite liking the person I was with, but I am not sure wether that shows willingness to engage with other people or simply fear of my own sexuality.
I mean, is it because I actually don't want sex that I am not looking for anything? Is it so that I don't change my current personality at all and I have convinced myself that I have reached a peak of development? Is it because the housemates are somewhat silly and I think "If they can do it, so can I"? or is it just plain fear of getting turned down?
Welcome to hear your thoughts (based on what you know of me) and I hope this doesn't come across as slimy whining.
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I am now the only remaining virgin in my house (at uni)
This is of no importance. Lasting relationships don't generally come by planning, but by serendipity (and not being a hermit, I guess). A willingness not to block them out is assumed, but actually will come of itself when the circumstances call for it. In my case I had no relationships at all until I left university - I then went on to marry and bring up a family, so clearly being a late starter was no particular disadvantage to me. OK, that marriage ended after 22 years, but I'm not embarrassed by that.
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I have had no relationships and I am just about done university!
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My friends like to remind me that I'm doing something wrong because I hAven't lost my virginity at 12. I'm 16.
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I always cringe a bit when I hear things like that.
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My friends like to remind me that I'm doing something wrong because I hAven't lost my virginity at 12. I'm 16.
Your friends are stupid and are probably the kind of people who shouldn't be having sex at an early age.
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Agreed with Drill King. Your friends sound like douchebags. Harsh I know, but I calls them likes I sees them.
Besides, what's the big deal? Most of the people I know (myself included) who have discussed their first sexual encounter usually follow the same routine; "It was awkward and bumpy". Geez, sounds like something real fun to look forward to on paper now, doesn't it? It's the initial hump (no pun intended, although feel free to chastise me for it) that's the big issue. Have sex when you feel ready and all the stuff, rather than be pressured into it.
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I lost my virginity at 14, and have had sex with 12 other people since then. I feel pretty gross about it, and regret a lot of it. Vaule yourselves, kids. I didn't learn that meaningless sex is just kind of like eating white rice. It's good every once in awhile, but honestly, its just really really boring.
Save sex for someone who actually means something to you. And I don't mean, "wait until you're married," or "only have sex with the person you love." I mean, have sex with someone who's name you'll remember forever, someone important. And its fine to have a number of important people.
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To me it's less about self-respect and more about STDs, pregnancy and the simple fact that the world isn't really built so that teenagers can get ahead in life while dealing with pregnancy and potentially parenthood. The whole thing is a mess that could be easily avoided by exercising a bit of restraint and waiting until nobody but you and your partner have any say in the decision you make. I'm a big believer in the KISS principle and teen sex can introduce a degree of difficulty into life that I wouldn't wish upon anyone.
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I just mean in general. Fucking everything that breathes isn't a good idea.
Teenagers shouldn't be having sex all the time, either. Basically, if you can't afford the consequences, you shouldn't be banging.
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I have had no relationships and I am just about done university!
Same. (Minus the fact I am done with uni, not almost done.)
Don't get too bogged down by it. I know a few people, myself included, who got through all of college and still had their virginity. I haven't had a relationship mostly because I can't seem to find anyone that I can get attached to and/or that isn't an idiotic douche. If you're worried you're scared about it, you may just not be ready, which is fine. Everyone gets to that point at their own time. You're still young! Enjoy your life. And if your friends keep ragging you about it, tell them to shut up, because they are being dicks.
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Whatever you do, DO NOT TELL HIM, ELIZZYBETH, WHAT ARE YOU STUPID??? [...]
My advice, and if I had my masters degree I could say it was my professional opinion, is that you should maybe do something to make your current relationship a little more interesting.
Noted! And thank you for your advice. I think you're right, and I'll give it a try.
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Yeah maybe if I had less sex I'd finally be more successful in life. Gonna think about that.
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So even though this was a long time ago, it seems like a good question to ask this thread: When you have been dating someone for a long time (like, a year or so) and have been faking it the entire time, when you finally get fed up with how your sex life is going, how do you broach the subject? How do you tell them you've been faking for 13 months and that it isn't as good as you make it seem? Do you tell them at all, or slowly work things you like into it unobtrusively? I have wondered about this for years now.
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Yeah lizzybeth you are a human being and you will think these thoughts sometimes. It's cool. I would postulate that your first head-over-heals thing is like when a bird breaks out of it's egg and mother-fixates on whatever is there. Life will go on.
Katie, I don't know, maybe drop it into conversation that you sometimes fake. I think I would be a bit crushed if a lady just came out and said 'uh, yeah, nothing, the past year, nothing at all' but I would definitely want to try to make it better. Just pretend it is not an always thing because that could make sex super-aggravating and get him too anxious which would not help things.
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Honestly I would say if you've been hiding it for a year don't even bring it up unless you want to be fatally hurtful and permanently burn your bridges. If you tell him then chances are for the rest of his life, every time he hops in the sack his inability to pleasure a woman will be nibbling in the back of his head. There's no sensitive way to break that to someone. It's that twofer of the dishonesty and the average male's self-esteem being intertwined with his performance in bed. It's the nuclear option for the spurned girlfriend.
So I would say, if you dig the guy in other ways, let on that you're bored with the sex you've been having and try to find a method of lovemaking that you do enjoy, together, with no mention of the faking. If you're trying new things out and they're not bringing you to where you want to go you can maybe be honest about that? But make it clear that your vanilla life prior (however vanilla it was) is something you're not going to return to because it's worn thin, not because it's been thin the whole time. If you don't want to go to all that trouble but you like the guy enough not to throw the lye in his eyes, break up with him but don't say a word about the faking, no matter what.
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Yeah, I don't think I'd tell him I'd been faking but the best way would be just to tell him what you do like. "It would be really hot if you...", "[blank] turns me on" which I think people should probably do from the very beginning anyway.
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I can sort of understand the justifications people give to me for "not having sex" but I wish they were a bit more honest. I mean two of my friends (both girls) have said "oh yeah sex is nothing to be too excited about, its not that much fun you know?" and then probably go off to have some of the most complicated of romantic entanglements I have known for a good long while and I can't help but go "oh come on people!"
The problem is (and this is meant as no reflection on you guys) but I have heard all the arguements before, and whilst convincing the first couple of times, mean bugger flippin' all when put up against the way in which everyone surrounding me seems to be throwing themselves at other people in a desperate attempt to get their things stuck in other peoples things... or visa versa.
anyway sorry to rant, hope everyones having a good day.
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tl;dr - I'm half Czech, what does that make me?
Hot. Incredibly so.
Dear relationship thread: I'm a teenager and my hormones are trying to eat my brains out with lust. What do I do?
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Josef, I don't think you should read Tommy as saying sex isn't good. It is enjoyable (most of the time) and it is important to (most) people. But obsessing about it probably won't get you anywhere. If you're primarily starting a relationship with someone, going somewhere, or doing something is because it's the course of action most likely to get you laid, you're probably not doing the best thing for your life in general. I'm a big fan of letting your life be your life and having a relationship when you want one.
Then again, I haven't slept with anyone since my ex-fiance and I split, and that was over a year ago now, so maybe I don't know what I'm talking about.
Concerning your friends who tell you it's not all that important and then get in to all of these romantic entanglements, consider the possibility that your friends might be more like smokers trying to tell you that smoking isn't all that cool then like a doctor telling you about the risks of lung cancer. Once you allow yourself to make your life about sex, it's hard to break that habit. That doesn't necessarily mean you're wrong for saying to others "don't make your life about sex." My minister/mentor tells me regularly "we've got to preach beyond our practice." If all the advice we ever give to people stops at the point where we are personally, we can never inspire anyone to be better then we are. Given that we're all pretty flawed human beings, that would be pretty limited advice.
Your original question, "am I not in a relationship because I don't want to be, or am I just afraid?" that's a good question to ask yourself and I ask myself that a lot. I know I'm shy about romance. I also know that this would be a pretty rotten time for me to start a relationship with someone (with one possible exception). Keep asking yourself that question, and if there is someone, go ahead and take the plunge and ask them out (I am completely ignoring my own advice right now, I might post more about that here later).
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Snalin, take a cold shower.
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I do think about it a little too much. hmmm interesting area to examine, thanks dude. My life in general at the moment is sedentary, I am trying to rock the oat a little and I figured the best way to do that is to make a major change, though sex may not be one of them.
By the way, I would just like to point out a small hole in the reasoning of "preaching beyond yourself" as you put it, surely it is far better to rely on your own ideas and experience than it is to try and inspire things in other people? I mean how can you prove that beyond you is any better? and if it is then why aren't you doing it? (sorry, been doing theological reading for the last week or so, so I am stuck in that mindset)
Thanks for the advice dude.
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No need to apologize to me for being too theological. I'm probably starting seminary in about 6 months, and currently act as one of the lay-ministry leaders of my church. That flaw you point to assumes a rational actor model, which is itself flawed, especially when dealing with individuals. I'm a person. I have faults which I can be aware of, and work to overcome those faults. I can also help people to work on those faults in themselves, even if I haven't yet overcome them. If I can't do this, then I have no business being a religious leader. Example: one of my faults is that I'm shy about romance. I can overcome this fault, I hope. But I haven't yet. If a friend comes to me and seeks advice from me about how they're having trouble meeting women, and it becomes clear to me that he's engaged in the same kind of self-sabotage that many shy men, including myself, engage in, do I better serve my friend in this case by remaining silent simply because I haven't yet overcome that fault in myself? Or do I suggest to him that this might be his problem, acknowledge that it's mine too, and offer whatever little insight I might currently have on it? You're right, it would be better if I had overcome the flaw myself, though I would suggest that it would be worse in many ways if I never had it to start with. People who have never had problems with romantic shyness basically just say "man up and do it," which is all well and good, but doesn't really help as much as talking to someone who struggles with the same character flaw.
Your objection also seems to assume that personal experience is the only authoritative source. Psychologists can draw on a body of research. Ministers can draw on scripture, theology, and philosophy. Friends can draw on any personal knowledge they may have. Perhaps that authority isn't as good as my personal experience, but it's none the less valuable. Put in very simple terms, I can say to a child "you should brush your teeth twice a day," and if I look for it, I can find significant research showing that this habit is of benefit. I can do this, even though I often only find time to brush my teeth once a day. I am preaching beyond my practice: I am saying "we aught to do this," while (hopefully) acknowledging that I don't always succeed at doing it myself.
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Yeah, I don't think I'd tell him I'd been faking but the best way would be just to tell him what you do like. "It would be really hot if you...", "[blank] turns me on" which I think people should probably do from the very beginning anyway.
I agree with this. Don't let them know "oh, btw, never... yeah, never." And cut down on faking it. Let him know you didn't orgasm and suggest different ways next time. If he becomes curious that something he's done has always worked, well, bodies DO change. That could be your reason/excuse. I know that what I liked at 18 is not what I like now.
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Dear relationship thread: I'm a teenager and my hormones are trying to eat my brains out with lust. What do I do?
8=m=D
Your advice is incomplete. Allow me.
8m==D
8=m=D
8==mD
8=m=D
8m==D
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that was fast
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Okay, sure.
8=========m========D
8==========m=======D
8===========m======D
8============m=====D
8=============m====D
Guys, this is taking too long!
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What a tiny hand you have.
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So even though this was a long time ago, it seems like a good question to ask this thread: When you have been dating someone for a long time (like, a year or so) and have been faking it the entire time, when you finally get fed up with how your sex life is going, how do you broach the subject? How do you tell them you've been faking for 13 months and that it isn't as good as you make it seem? Do you tell them at all, or slowly work things you like into it unobtrusively? I have wondered about this for years now.
That was a terrible idea. Never do it again. Whatever the outcome might be this time around, the lesson you should take away from it is that faking it is basically always a terrible idea.
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What a tiny hand you have.
It's not that small. It's just that compared to the penis, it looks quite small.
Hey guys.
Random question that doesn't really pertain to me: What is the least awkward thing to say when asking someone out?
Other than like, "Are you lost? It's a long way from heaven."
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"would you like to go out with me some time?"
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Anything but shitty pickup lines. I tend to be pretty straightforward and to the point, pretty much like what NC just posted above.
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Yeah, seriously. The best way is to just ask them.
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I was hoping "this" was a link.
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When I'm asking someone out, I don't even use the words "go out" ... they carry an unnecessary connotation. I tend to use a two-part format of expressing my attraction to the person in an abstract fashion (so that they don't think I'm specifically looking for sex or specifically trying to avoid it), and then asking if they want to share a specific activity with me that offers a context for partnership-style connection.
Examples:
(To someone I only recently met) "Hey, I really enjoyed talking to you. Would you like to have dinner somewhere sometime next week?"
(To an established acquaintance) "You know, I think I'd really enjoy it if we hung out more often. Want to check out [upcoming event] with me? We can hang out and get some food beforehand."
You get the idea. Make a statement of attraction without asking for it back, and make a request for further connection that isn't actually a request for a new definition of the relationship. It offers them the choice to redefine the way they see you as a potential partner, without telling them that something will go wrong if they decide otherwise ... and then drops an opportunity into their lap that lets them have fun doing it if they choose to. It's the perfect way to encourage someone to find out why you're actually a likable person (or, if they already know that, why you'd make a good partner).
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Yeah, my use of the words "go out" was just because I wouldn't actually say something like that in english. I see how they can sound wrong in a situation like that, though.
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Okay, so now it is pertaining to me. There's a rather nice girl that I would very much like to get to know better. I don't know her all that much but I am talking to her more and more and would very much like to be in some sort of relationship that is beyond friendship.
Being me and me being an epic loser, I'm not all that sure of how to ask someone out in a high school context.
Would it be more of a, "Hey, wanna be my girlfriend?"
Or a, "Hey, we should go to a movie on friday."
I know that once you're outside of high school, it's more the latter but in high school, you'd have to be kind of direct with it, right?
Excuse my ignorance.
Thanks.
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i'd say the latter. take her out to a movie or something and see how she feels about spending time with just you and her. if she's into it then maybe you ask her out again. then, i dunno, after you've spent some time together and you're pretty sure she likes you as much as you like her, i guess that would be the right time to ask if she's interested in a relationship. i know high school dating tends to be pretty superficial but still, i don't think most people would jump straight into a relationship with someone they didn't really know. it's probably better to ask them out on a date or something first.
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Yeah, ask something more along the lines of "do you want to see a movie" and not "wanna be my gf." Then again, movies really aren't a good way to get to know someone, because you're sitting in a theater not talking for about 2 hours. Ask her if she wants to go get food sometime, go to an arcade, or hang out at the park, etc. I don't really know you or this girl, but ask her to do something you both enjoy so you can talk and get to know her.
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I agree with the people who have been saying that you should not lead off your proposition for getting to know her better by asking her if she wants to define you as her boyfriend. However, you should probably make it clear by the end of the first date that heading in the direction of that definition is something you're interested in doing.
Basically you want to do two things: you want to give her the chance to take as much time as she needs to make up her mind, AND you want to continue to give her new and better reasons to go ahead and enter the relationship. A relationship that begins because one person felt like they had to enter it when they did for some reason is unlikely to succeed.
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I always have a bit of a problem with this kind of thing because as well as not knowing for sure if the other person is actually interested in me, I also don't usually know if they're interested in my gender in general. The Girl From Work who I have a bit of a thing for is definitely straight so that's both questions answered at once but even so I'm having difficulty engineering situations where we see each other outside the workplace. I guess this is a crossover between relationships and friendships: I only want to be friends with her, but I want to be friends with her because I'm a little bit in love with her and just having her around makes me incredibly happy. But I don't want to say that to her because I'm worried she would freak out and never speak to me again.
Also, is it fairly normal to go through a period of being quite indiscriminately interested in sex at about fifteen and then not be at all interested at all by 18? I haven't been sexually attracted to anyone in nearly two years now and I was wondering if this is maybe a hormone rebalance thing that I'm going through? I'd quite like to enjoy sex at some point in the future, I don't want to be asexual.
Wow. I feel like I just exposed my soul to a room full of strangers. Time to get off the Internet.
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Could be any number of things. It seems like for most men sexual drive never drastically flags (outside of situations of high stress and the like) but there are tales abound of women who lose interest in sex at any age. You could have a testosterone imbalance, or you could just not really be into it right now. It's probably not anything to be seriously worried about.
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Probably more men than you imply go through periods of greatly reduced sexual urges; but this is quite normal, and can be dramatically reversed under suitable circumstances - as I discovered in my mid-40s.
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There are any number of factors that could be involved ... one's diet and level of physical exercise, for instance, have an impact on one's sex drive that often is not considered.
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All I think is how I wanna fuck fuck fuck all the time time time.
Dear Relationship Thread,
I have a thing for a girl that had a thing for me three years ago. I had a thing for her three years ago too, but then we drifted apart and now we are friends again and she has a crush on another dude that isn't really going anywhere. We kissed a bit on thursday night and she we were really comfortable and laughing the entire evening. But I don't know how to approach wanting to have a relationship with her. We will be hanging out wednesday, thursday and friday night next week though, because neither of us have much to do in the evenings.
What do I do, halp me internet!
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All I think is how I wanna fuck fuck fuck all the time time time.
Dear Relationship Thread,
I have a thing for a girl that had a thing for me three years ago. I had a thing for her three years ago too, but then we drifted apart and now we are friends again and she has a crush on another dude that isn't really going anywhere. We kissed a bit on thursday night and she we were really comfortable and laughing the entire evening. But I don't know how to approach wanting to have a relationship with her. We will be hanging out wednesday, thursday and friday night next week though, because neither of us have much to do in the evenings.
What do I do, halp me internet!
My approach is to keep making out with them, it usually leads to relationships.
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Man what is with girls.
Jeez. Way to be confusing.
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Man what is with girls.
Jeez. Way to be confusing.
Bitches bro.
*slams a beer bong*
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Man what is with girls.
Jeez. Way to be confusing.
Bitches bro.
*slams a beer bong*
Goddamnit Stephanie!
*slams a beer bong*
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My approach is to keep making out with them, it usually leads to relationships.
Your avatar just screams "This is bad advice".
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My approach is to keep making out with them, it usually leads to relationships.
Your avatar just screams "This is bad advice".
My avatar says that every advice is the best advice.
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My approach is to keep making out with them, it usually leads to relationships.
See, when I was little my parents losely explained what a lease (on our car) was as kind of like 'renting-to-own', so my thought was 'why don't we just keep renting our favorite movies from the video store and then we will own them!' but that idea did not fly.
Hopefully it works better with girls? I guess it is like peeing on a sofa to mark it as yours until the owner just gives it to you?
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A better analogy would be sitting on the sofa until the sofa itself decides that it wants you to sit on it exclusively.
Which is, of course, to say that any sofa analogy probably doesn't work in this case.
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Jace's love life, now in sofa analogies!
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Well so, now that we've settled that, at what point is it okay to date someone that is twice your age? Speak to me honestly, oh thread.
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When you're mature enough to handle it and the older person isn't doing it just to get in your pants (unless that's a mutual reason).
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When x = 0.5y + 7, where x is your acceptable age and y is the person's age.
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So, twice your age minus fourteen.
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wat
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After a two year time period of not talking to an ex, is it ok to ask for a date, or even skipping the date altogether for something more intimate?
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The question you should first ask is "Why are they your ex after all?"
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approach it very delicately. phoning up someone you haven't spoken to in two years because you want to get back together with her could easily be seen by her as really selfish and inconsiderate, in the sense that you're really only breaking the two year streak not to ask how she is doing or if she wants to hang out or anything but to see if she'll date you again - this doesn't say "i care about you" so much as it says "hey, i kind of want this, wanna give it to me". maybe find a way to make your intentions clear, so as not to mislead her about why you're calling her, while also letting her know that you're contacting her not just because you want her back but because you also genuinely care about her and want to hear how she is doing. and if you're just going to stop talking to her again if she says no, then reconsider it cos that is a pretty dang rude thing to do to someone.
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When x = 0.5y + 7, where x is your acceptable age and y is your age.
The person's age doesn't come into it as that is what you compare to the acceptable age, i.e. let p be the person's age then
if p<x not fine
if p≥x fine
So, twice your age minus fourteen.
This is not the same thing.
Ok, nitpicking through boredom over.
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Yeah, twice your age minus 14 would give you the max age that YOU aren't the creepy young one to.
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No guys I was right you are all wrong.
x=1/2*y+7 = > y=2x-14
Original question was:
Well so, now that we've settled that, at what point is it okay to date someone that is twice your age? Speak to me honestly, oh thread.
And the formula clearly shows it is never acceptable to date someone twice your age.
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When you are 18 you can date someone twice your age. But why would you want to?
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There are people out there who prefer older partners, like, old enough to be their parents. I know a few. They tend to be women. I'm not going to speculate on why that is.
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No guys I was right you are all wrong.
x=1/2*y+7 = > y=2x-14
After some puzzling out i get what you are saying and i put forward that we are all in fact right as in this case you would be p (p being the extra parameter i added earlier), they would be y and their youngest acceptable age would be x. However the formula doesn't contain both your age and their age so there is no way to make a direct comparison.
From the original formula of x=0.5y+7 we can see it is unacceptable to date someone half your age (as you must always date 7 years above half) but acceptable to date older than you so it would be ok if you were the younger person but not if you were the older person.
Somewhat amazingly though, this formula doesn't actually count for anything and as Jace said when you turn 18 all bets are off anyway.
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I disregarded the creepiness factor (x=1/2y+7) by 2 years - he was 26, I was 18 - and it ended badly. There is a reason things like this exist. Also the girlfriend that he had not told me about proved to be a problem. So maybe you can ignore this altogether.
Protip: make sure the man you fall in love with does not have a girlfriend who he probably intends to marry at some point.
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There are people out there who prefer older partners, like, old enough to be their parents. I know a few. They tend to be women. I'm not going to speculate on why that is.
Probably Daddy issues. And it usually accounts for women who prefer older partners just in general, albeit not twice their age.
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we are all in fact right
I maintain no. MrBlu had the right thing but I think it was phrased poorly so I re-arranged it. Then you said something that missed the original question and made a completely false statement concerning the equivalence of my statement. I think your p parameter is totally superfluous. Think about it, we have a function that defines a cutoff, and we have written that cutoff as x, then you defined their age as p and compared it to x. We can just compare x directly to p.
Why am I so bitchy of late? I don't know. Whatever.
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The problem with rearranging the equation is that you wanted x in the first place not y so there is no need. Also, you know your age y and their age which i defined as p but not x. To make any comparisons using this equation you need x as without x how do you know the acceptable age? That is what x is and that is what you need to know to make any sense of the equation.
You know y is your age, p is their age
the formula produces x the youngest acceptable age in terms of y. there is nowhere within the formula to directly compare p and y using the function x and without the function x you don't know whether it is acceptable or not.
e.g. use 20
x=20/2+7 =>x=17
then if p<17 not ok
p≥17 ok
for y=2x-14 we know y not x so we would have to rearrange it back to the original formula anyway.
If you directly compare p and y it is just 2 constants, i.e. p<y,p=y or p>y but that doesn't tell us anything other than what we already know.
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man, i love how this forum figures out acceptable age differences using algebra. you are all geeks in the best way possible. people i know in meat life (myself excluded) just tend to follow the silly 5 year rule.
so, relationship/math thread:
when i was younger i was pretty into the idea of meeting a "sophisticated older guy" who also has the exact same taste in music as i do for deep, meaningful conversations and possible makeouts. now i realize that it wasn't really about age, but more of a certain personality type that i thought would be more common among older guys. it's actually not a common thing at all though, and i've given up on looking for it. i did meet this guy on the internet (accidentally, not through a dating site or anything) who seemed like that type of person. he was twice my age and ended up falling in love with me and writing some songs about me, which was cute even though the songs weren't that good (but i still liked them), and at first when he told me that he was going to write me a song i didn't believe him cause it seemed pretty unrealistic, and i kept making fun of him and telling him to write/record faster, and then he did and i felt like a jerkface for doubting him, and for making him stay up late finishing the damn song. well okay i didn't force him to do the latter, but he did, and it was because of me, so i felt responsible for that and for nearly destroying his vocal cords.
then he turned a bit creepy and kept on insisting that we should meet even though i politely refused cause i was engaged at the time (and i told him that from the start...) and wasn't looking to cheat on my fiancee with a stranger from the internets. at first he was all nice about it and was like oh we can be friends and watch old movies and eat popcorn and i will respect your boundaries and not touch you except maybe in a platonic way, because i am a perfect gentleman. i had a hard time believing it since he was obviously attracted to me. also i am kind of suspicious of any dude who claims to be old-fashioned and chivalrous. so i was like ehhh that's probably not a good idea. then he got more pushy about it and was all like oh i am going to drive down to your campus even though it will take me 7 hours (!!) because i just love you that much, and we are going to have such a wonderful time together. weird, but again, i had a hard time believing that he would. and...i don't think he did. (of course, it's hard to say, since i was in tronno at the time) but he insisted that he did come and he
looked for me everywhere and he put up posters advertising his "band" in our concourse area and i was like riiiiight, because when i returned and went to the concourse i didn't see any posters. i told him that i am not a fan of surprise visits and to not do things like that in the future and he apologized i think but eventually he started bothering me again when he saw that i was no longer engaged and started asking me if i was okay, and that just came off as creepy as fuck. um, eventually we just stopped talking entirely.
that experience ruined the mystique of the older man forever. :|
or maybe i was being overly paranoid and missed out on a real good thing? hahahah. doubt it.
tl;dr, sorry everyone.
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Hey guys. So, what's the best way to break it to a girl that you are in love/obsessed with her?
A bit of background; I've liked her for about 5 months, we met at one of my bands gigs, she has a boyfriend, she goes to a different school and lives about 12 miles away so I only see her whenever we arrange to meet up together, she's the kind of girl who doesn't really find awkward conversations awkward..
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she has a boyfriend
Bad idea.
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Yeah, that would be pretty much horribly selfish no matter how you did it, because you will inevitably put her in a very awkward and uncomfortable situation for no real reason than for your own hopes that she might suddenly decide to run away with you. That is a shitty thing to do to a girl.
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I only see her whenever we arrange to meet up together,
So you get to hang out with her sometimes. It's up to her if she wants to change her allegiance - all you can do is simply make the times you happen to meet up awesome.
What's bad from your point of view is focussing on trying to get her; that's probably self-defeating, and also takes your mind away from the rest of the world that's still there to be enjoyed.
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The above is very true. Also,
she's the kind of girl who doesn't really find awkward conversations awkward..
This is probably not actually the case. In my experience, most people who seem that way are really just trying to maintain a calm appearance, they find them every bit as awkward as everyone else; and they don't react any better to awkward situations either!
Overall, very bad idea. Do not. Try to find somebody else before you blow up your friendship.
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The problem
Look, check your PMs.
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obsessed with her
NO. Seriously. This is a thing within yourself that you have to fight.
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The problem with rearranging the equation is that you wanted x in the first place not y so there is no need. Also, you know your age y and their age which i defined as p but not x. To make any comparisons using this equation you need x as without x how do you know the acceptable age? That is what x is and that is what you need to know to make any sense of the equation.
You know y is your age, p is their age
the formula produces x the youngest acceptable age in terms of y. there is nowhere within the formula to directly compare p and y using the function x and without the function x you don't know whether it is acceptable or not.
e.g. use 20
x=20/2+7 =>x=17
then if p<17 not ok
p≥17 ok
for y=2x-7 we know y not x so we would have to rearrange it back to the original formula anyway.
If you directly compare p and y it is just 2 constants, i.e. p<y,p=y or p>y but that doesn't tell us anything other than what we already know.
Did we just write a program?
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Well, it is a description of an algorithm but not really a written program.
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God damn people are jerks! :x
There's this girl. And she's cute. And smart. And I will probably be doing a lot of school stuff with her soon, so that will be fun. I'll try to do my best at flirting. But; this girl is not exactly liked among my group. They don't say anything directly to her face, and tolerate her, but when she's not around, they bitch terribly about how she a) is a hipster, b) is full of herself. This is incredibly frustrating, since I have to sit around listening to people bitching about a girl I like. I try to make hints, like "you know, talking behind someone's back isn't exactly nice", but to no avail. Sometimes I just want to go "shut up, you fuckers. She's got more style than anyone of you, she has better taste in music and clothes, she is funnier and smarter, she knows stuff about popular culture, and she should be full of herself around you, because you are stupid assholes". But I'm going to be in class with these people for almost one and a half year more. I can't do any angry speaks like that, it'd basically kill half of my social life. If I get together with this girl or if it becomes really evident that we are good friends, they will hopefully shut up about it around me. But I will still know that they dislike the girl I like. This sucks badly.
Thanks for the vent space. Any tips?
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Thanks for the responses guys, didn't actually expect anything. :-P
Well obviously I'm not planning on trying to steal her away from her boyfriend - that's a pretty shitty thing to do, and it does go against everything I stand for. Also I'm not gonna go putting her in an awkward situation now, that'd totally defeat the point of the last few months.
It's not that she remains calm during awkward conversations, it just doesn't really faze her at all. Ok, the advice about making sure the time is awesome would be helpful, but I don't know how. I'm not the greatest conversationist.. :-P I'm not shy, I just don't really like talking that much. Also I have a really deep voice, and as a friend of mine recently said, she's sure everything I say is absolutely hilarious but she can't understand a damn thing I say. Are deep voices a good thing or not? :?
Oh yeah, I know I shouldn't say 'oh I'm totally obsessed with her' but there's no point in calling an orange an apple. I was gonna say more stuff, but I don't know what. Thanks for the responses again!
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making sure the time is awesome would be helpful, but I don't know how. I'm not the greatest conversationist..
It's not a matter of doing anything dramatic, or even out of the ordinary. Much more important is to get to know just what stuff she likes - places, activities, food, talk, music, whatever - and unobtrusively make it likely to happen, and maybe extrapolate it a bit as well. Of course the best way to get to know that is to be around her enough to pick up the clues, but in the position you describe you may have to rely on memory and talking to others; but sometimes simply asking and being prepared to listen to the answer is pretty awesome.
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places, activities, food, talk, music, whatever
the beach and cinemas, surfing/sleeping/parties, chocolate cake, hawthorne heights and dashboard confessional..
:-)
I haven't only just met her, so we do know quite a bit about each other. Oh and I know her taste in music is.. Questionable. she's not just a emo teenager. :-P
It's not finding the common ground that is the problem, it's actually starting the conversation. But I'm surely I'll manage. Thanks for the advice though! It will all come in useful. At the moment however I'm willing to just be patient and be a good friend - I'm fairly competent at that.
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Well get to it.
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Bluh.
Damn my awkwardness and shyness.
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Any tips?
Just that if I were to find out that someone who was pursuing me didn't bother to decide between backstabbing friends and myself, then I obviously wouldn't mean as much to that person as they thought I did. You should stand up for what you believe in.
Also, why are you hanging out with "stupid assholes?" There are more important things than having a social life, and I think it would be more emotionally healthy to spend time with people you find worthwhile rather than necessary for some reason.
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So, the guy who I posted about in the blog thread that plays drum and bass on a gameboy had his show tonight. We got to hang out before the show started and we hit it off rather well. I went with a friend and during the downtime, we made origami because I had paper in my purse and I made the guy a turtle and a helmet. (It's a turtle with a Napoleon complex that says "Vive la France.")
I hope I see him again because dude is totally cute.
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Any tips?
Do any of these people know her that you're aware of or are they just really that insecure/silly? I only ask this because when in college one of the ladies I was mildly interested in basically turned out to be ridiculously conceited gossip who luckily lost a bunch of credibility as more people got to know her.
Well, that and the time she threw her shoes at that janitor.
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I don't like alcohol or caffeine, and eating food makes my face puff up and my acne stand out,
so,
what does that leave? Where the hell can I take a girl on a date? Especially a first date?
Second question. Why might I have a consistent track record of girls I know over the internet falling for me, but nearly every girl I meet in-person looks at me like I'm a piece of furniture? (Except for the one that I knew online FIRST, when I met her in person, she took my virginity and then some)
That "there are no girls on the internet" meme should read "there are no girls from California on the internet" lmao
Lastly, why, when I do meet a girl who doesn't look at me like I'm furniture, do I always seem to end up feeling such contempt for her that by the time she's willing to sleep with me I want nothing to do with her?
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There's always the tried and true movie or just going out and doing something outside, like walking in a park. Living in California, the latter is something I'd recommend as weather will generally be favorable unless you're way north.
I didn't drink, smoke until I was about twenty-two and I swore off caffeine from eighteen to twenty-one, so I know how you feel. The problem is that you're looking at it with too much of a traditionalist mindset. A date is not just dinner and a movie by definition, a date is just going out and trying to have fun with someone you're interested in romantically.
Can you handle rollercoasters? If so, amusement parks are a BIG recommendation. That was one of my top date destinations when I was in your position. You're getting out there, getting some sun and proving to your date that you're not some boring schlub who sits around all day. It's also a long activity that gives you plenty of downtime for getting to know each other while waiting in line for rides, without the pressure of a short dinner date where you pretty much have to make your impression right quick. Not to mention, the adrenaline rush from the rides will get both of you in a mindset that is favorable towards attraction. It's also not something you've got to dress up for and I cannot stress enough how beneficial a casual setting is to a date. It turns down expectations in a big way and basically puts you both on even footing while dropping a lot of pretense.
If not that, try an outdoor activity you're into. Go to the park and people watch or play frisbee or something.
The biggest thing, though, is to let your date know the plan in advance. Surprising people can be fun sometimes, but having your date show up in heels and a skirt is going to put a damper on pretty much anything that involves walking around for more than fifteen minutes at a time.
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There's always the tried and true movie or just going out and doing something outside, like walking in a park. Living in California, the latter is something I'd recommend as weather will generally be favorable unless you're way north.
I don't consider California weather favorable. Ugh.
I've tried the movie before with mixed results, but a movie is just so obvious and unoriginal and rife with potential problems.
Can you handle rollercoasters? If so, amusement parks are a BIG recommendation. That was one of my top date destinations when I was in your position. You're getting out there, getting some sun and proving to your date that you're not some boring schlub who sits around all day.
Love rollercoasters. Hate the sun. I am a schlub who sits around all day. I make machinima for a living for crying out loud. My only good friends are online and in different time zones.
Good suggestion though... to bad the only amusement park within a day's round trip closes at dark.
So what about my other two questions?
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Surely you must drink something, though! I can see how not drinking alcohol might be a problem, because a girl might get suspicious if you both go to a bar and she's the only one getting drunk; but there are lots of drinks without caffeine. Just because you ask a girl out for coffee doesn't mean she's going to suddenly sue you for misrepresentation when you get to the cafe and order a herbal tea.
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Find some outdoor festival or flea market or some other form of large gathering outside during the day. That way you can figure out whatever you want to do that evening while you're hanging out with her (especially if she's got an idea of her own that appeals to you) and even if you don't come up with anything, there's still stuff to do because you're out somewhere where things are happening. Depending on issues like transportation, doing something like this basically allows you to transition into whatever would actually turn out to be a great first date, because you're learning about what she likes all day. It's kind of like a cheat code in that respect.
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What part of California do you live in?
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outside during the day.
No.
What part of California do you live in?
(http://home.comcast.net/~Lawrence515/SSC/HeIsHere.jpg)
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hey man at least it ain't bakersfield
go outside
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What happened to marine world/six flags/whoever the fuck bought that place? Could you not bring a sexy someone there? I'm assuming Great America is a little too far for you. I'm trying to think of what to do around there, I lived in marin until I was 18. You probably don't want to head to Marin, but there are some really awesome things to do there (as much as I thought it was boring growing up there). There are a whole fuck ton of festivals during the summer and they're all really nice. You could always go up to the wine country. I know you don't like to drink, but it's a really beautiful area and it doesn't look like you're too far from there.
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Yeah, you're basically unhelpable. Sorry.
People who hate the sunlight get drunk on dates, people who don't like to drink go to parks and shit on dates. People who drink AND like daylight get drunk and go outside on dates, they win the dating pool.
You, unfortunately, fall in the middle ground that results in you probably not being all that fun of a person to hang out with.
Maybe try a concert or something?
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people who don't like to drink go to parks and shit on dates.
I'm sorry, I had to.
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outside during the day.
No.
Do you just not like fun or something?
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I kinda agree with Obessssions here. Maybe you should work on things like eating, drinking and going outside before getting involved with the opposite sex.
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so... you're close to san francisco, close to the redwoods, close to a national seashore and you can't find a place to take dates?
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Do you just not like fun or something?
how do "outside during the day" and "fun" have ANYTHING to do with each other?
What happened to marine world/six flags/whoever the fuck bought that place?
They aren't open after dark usually. Plus admission is pricey.
Yeah, you're basically unhelpable. Sorry.
People who hate the sunlight get drunk on dates, people who don't like to drink go to parks and shit on dates. People who drink AND like daylight get drunk and go outside on dates, they win the dating pool.
A generalization, but yeah, I figured as much. :-(
You, unfortunately, fall in the middle ground that results in you probably not being all that fun of a person to hang out with.
I take offense at the notion that being sober and nocturnal makes me unpleasant to be around. Also, "parks and shit" are still there after dark, aren't they? :-P
Maybe try a concert or something?
Same problems as a movie, plus the fact that they're rarer, more expensive, and further away. And I'm not into music like I'm into movies.
I kinda agree with Obessssions here. Maybe you should work on things like eating, drinking and going outside before getting involved with the opposite sex.
Those aspects of my being will never change. They are fundamental and permanent facets of my nature. I don't need to "work on" eating, whatever that means. I will never drink. Ever. However, I do not have a problem with going outside. It is merely my distaste for sunlight that has grown steadily for the passed decade of my life, and that's never going to change either.
so... you're close to san francisco, close to the redwoods, close to a national seashore and you can't find a place to take dates?
Yes. Except I'm not close to any of those things. San Francisco, which is closest, is nearly an hour's drive away. :roll:
(I love how I asked three questions, ordered from least important to most important, and there has been nearly a page of discourse on the first question while the others were completely ignored. :-D)
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You live near Vallejo, go to Seafood City and have fun looking at all the Asian products! And enjoy the good restaurants!
Except that probably isn't very fun to normal people
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Yeah you're pretty weird
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Those aspects of my being will never change. They are fundamental and permanent facets of my nature. I don't need to "work on" eating, whatever that means. I will never drink. Ever. However, I do not have a problem with going outside. It is merely my distaste for sunlight that has grown steadily for the passed decade of my life, and that's never going to change either.
You said you don't like going out to eat because it makes your "face puff up" which sounds like an allergic reaction. I don't know if that's the case, 'cause you didn't go into more detail. if it is the case, there're things you can do to stop this happening like taking small doses of antihistamines, or getting an allergen test to determine what you should avoid. Acne can be treated in many cases as well. As for drinking, you didn't say why you didn't like drinking, so I can't really offer any advice on that, save that I have plenty of friends who don't enjoy getting drunk, but quite enjoy a social beer/wine or two. There is a great difference between getting drunk and going out for a drink! If it's the taste of alcoholic drinks you don't like, well taste can be aquired and new drinks discovered. As for sunlight, you can wear sunglasses. Or a hat. Or a parasol. Or all of the above.
I guess I can't really understand why you'd think these things would be permanent facets of your nature, because they all seem quite mutable to me if you were so inclined. Unless there's more to it.
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NQG you can be like that all you want and I guess that is ok but you're going to have a bunch of trouble meeting people.
Also, even I know of restaurants in San Fransisco that I would drive an hour to go to. Hell, I spend an hour getting to uni and another one getting back every day; I wouldn't even think twice about it.
Get over your sunlight issue and find a favourite spot on that river at least.
Oh, also that place called Napa means you're right near a wine region right? Sometimes wineries have excellent restaurants right there.
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I think you'll need to give in on some of your requirements. There are a lot of great places to take a date in the Bay Area, but most of them involve eating, drinking or daylight. You don't even need to go all the way to SF for a great restaurant, Berkeley has plenty. Napa and the rest of the wine country also have some really great places to eat.
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It's not even about the area you live in. The fact is that if you want to meet people you have to go and do things in the places where other people are. It's a purely percentages game: if you think about it, the percentage of people you meet who (A) are single, (B) match your sexual orientation, (C) don't have their eye on someone other than you, and (D) are willing to consider you as a romantic or sexual partner, must be pretty damn small. If you only meet a few people a year, there's a good chance it's going to take you decades to find someone who'll be interested in you. And in our society if you don't go out in daylight, or go to places where people are drinking, or go to places where people are eating, you're probably only going to meet a few people a year. So holding onto your principals is fine and all (if that's all it is), but strap yourself in for the long haul.
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I take offense at the notion that being sober and nocturnal makes me unpleasant to be around.
Well I think might be your problem then. A lot of people are going to think this. Getting offended by it is probably where the contempt you were talking about comes from. If you feel offended when people fail to enjoy themselves around you, because of differences between your personal preferences as to how to have a good time, you're going to end up offended by most people you know. I mean, I think your aversion to sunlight means you're missing out on a lot of awesome stuff you could otherwise be doing. Are you offended by that? Or do I have to cross the line into explicitly saying you're actually a full-on wet blanket because of this (I don't believe that that's true but for all I know it might be), before you start getting upset? How OK are you with people who disagree with you, basically?
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Well I think might be your problem then. A lot of people are going to think this. Getting offended by it is probably where the contempt you were talking about comes from. If you feel offended when people fail to enjoy themselves around you, because of differences between your personal preferences as to how to have a good time, you're going to end up offended by most people you know.
This isn't true at all. That is not why I feel contempt for some people, and if a person finds me unpleasant to be around, that doesn't offend me at all.
I mean, I think your aversion to sunlight means you're missing out on a lot of awesome stuff you could otherwise be doing.
No question there. I agree completely. :-(
Or do I have to cross the line into explicitly saying you're actually a full-on wet blanket because of this (I don't believe that that's true but for all I know it might be), before you start getting upset?
Even that would not offend me, because "wet blanket" is a subjective term so I have no ground from which to refute its truth from your perspective.
I do my best not to be a wet blanket and if I fail in some peoples eyes there is nothing I can do about it.
How OK are you with people who disagree with you, basically?
Most people tend to disagree with me about most things, so it doesn't bother me in the slightest.
Not understanding me ticks me off more than disagreeing with me, which still isn't much.
Having major components of my person belittled as curable defects, pisses me off almost as much as being told shit I already know, though.
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Having major components of my person belittled as curable defects, pisses me off almost as much as being told shit I already know, though.
You asked; people answered. This is not belittling.
You are over-reacting to comments; for instance, not being fun to be with is not the same as being unpleasant to be around.
And to be talking about not changing, at your age, is silly - one day you will look back and see this was so.
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NQG, have you tried sunglasses and sunscreen for when you have to be out in daylight? I don't like it either, but I deal with it. I tend to forget the sunscreen part, though. Are there any really thick forests around where you are? That could at least keep you in shadows rather than direct sunlight.
Other than that, moving away somewhere to your north when you can would be the only way I can think of to minimize the need to be out in the sun.
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I don't like alcohol or caffeine, and eating food makes my face puff up and my acne stand out,
so,
what does that leave? Where the hell can I take a girl on a date? Especially a first date?
Second question. Why might I have a consistent track record of girls I know over the internet falling for me, but nearly every girl I meet in-person looks at me like I'm a piece of furniture? (Except for the one that I knew online FIRST, when I met her in person, she took my virginity and then some)
That "there are no girls on the internet" meme should read "there are no girls from California on the internet" lmao
Lastly, why, when I do meet a girl who doesn't look at me like I'm furniture, do I always seem to end up feeling such contempt for her that by the time she's willing to sleep with me I want nothing to do with her?
Ok, first question.
Move on from your problem with going to the movies. It is something you can do at night and sure there may not be talking while at the actual cinema but you then get a whole lot to talk about right after. You don't need to eat or drink to do that.
Another option is a museum or art gallery. Interesting stuff to talk about, little sunlight, no need to drink or eat unless you are hungry.
Also take Violentdove's advice on finding out what you're allergic to. You can probably take care of it pretty easily by keeping an eye on what you put in your mouth. Seriously, it's not even a thing.
I do not drink alcohol or caffeine. I am reliably informed I am still ok to be with. If someone wants to go get coffee, you can get a milkshake or an iced/hot chocolate or something. Coffee shops have other drinks. If you don't drink just say so. If someone will only hang out with you if you're going to get drunk with them then they are probably not that fun to be around anyway.
Second question:
You're probably a nice person and if you're anything like me (which I kind of feel like you are) you are probably reasonably charming/witty/interesting via a text based medium as you can monitor your responses and you have time to order your thoughts. You don't have to worry about embarrassing yourself because, hey, you can always stop talking to the person. In meatlife you're probably more shy, more reserved, maybe even a little aloof and people will probably read that as standoffish and it turns out girls don't like guys who are standoffish and boring to talk to.
Last question:
See the response above? A girl who is into a guy who is standoffish and appears to be unfriendly probably has hell of issues. You may or may not be able to tell what those issues are but either way you are probably aware that this is not really the kind of girl you want to be with. Along with your aloofness is a slight arrogance that turns a general dislike into actual contempt, as you put it. I know, I do the same thing.
Now, tell me how right I was.
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You asked; people answered. This is not belittling.
"You just need to get over it" is belittling. But I'm not overreacting, I'm just trying to be clear is all.
NQG, have you tried sunglasses and sunscreen for when you have to be out in daylight? I don't like it either, but I deal with it.
I have a pair of (very expensive) sunglasses that I've had for five years now, that I had get a note to wear to school ever day for my junior and senior years, and am still basically chained to them if I want to leave the house during the day.
As for sunscreen, I've never had a problem with skinburns. Usually I've gotten pseudo-feverish(all the physical signs of a fever, except the actual raised temperature) and started losing motor control long before I would have to start worrying about skin burns. (but I don't want to get into that, and you don't need to know any more than that, about that. Move on.)
Other than that, moving away somewhere to your north when you can would be the only way I can think of to minimize the need to be out in the sun.
Already in the works, but another several years away at least.
Also take Violentdove's advice on finding out what you're allergic to. You can probably take care of it pretty easily by keeping an eye on what you put in your mouth. Seriously, it's not even a thing.
I'm not allergic to anything in the realm of food. I never said anything about any allergies. I have no idea how people are getting that from my mention of the normal over-hydration and increased blood flow in the soft tissues after food ingestion.
If you don't drink just say so. If someone will only hang out with you if you're going to get drunk with them then they are probably not that fun to be around anyway.
Thank you. That's what I've been saying.
Second question:
You're probably a nice person and if you're anything like me (which I kind of feel like you are) you are probably reasonably charming/witty/interesting via a text based medium as you can monitor your responses and you have time to order your thoughts. You don't have to worry about embarrassing yourself because, hey, you can always stop talking to the person. In meatlife you're probably more shy, more reserved, maybe even a little aloof and people will probably read that as standoffish and it turns out girls don't like guys who are standoffish and boring to talk to.
Okay, you're probably pretty right about most of that. But I have been getting better in that area. I'm really haven't been "standoffish" since high school. It's still beyond me to start a conversation in most circumstances, but engaging in one not so much anymore. So I think you're half-right. Three years ago you would have been 100% right, though.
Last question:
See the response above? A girl who is into a guy who is standoffish and appears to be unfriendly probably has hell of issues. You may or may not be able to tell what those issues are but either way you are probably aware that this is not really the kind of girl you want to be with. Along with your aloofness is a slight arrogance that turns a general dislike into actual contempt, as you put it. I know, I do the same thing.
Now, tell me how right I was.
Yes and no.
Yes, I may simply not be initially attractive to the right kind of girls. I went out with one girl who was a Twilight freak and who thought I was Edward-esqe (*retch*), who I dumped after five dates, even though she was basically ready to jump my bones.
No, that wouldn't be the whole problem, because that shyness->standoffishness evaporates quite quickly once I know the girl is genuinely interested in me, and my true personality does surface.
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I'm not allergic to anything in the realm of food. I never said anything about any allergies. I have no idea how people are getting that from my mention of the normal over-hydration and increased blood flow in the soft tissues after food ingestion.
What? Are you a fucking space lizard masquerading as a human?
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Learn to live a life of solitude. Maybe you'd like to become a monk. It might suit you better.
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Oh shit I've seen that miniseries. NQG, try eating live rats and, I dunno, marry a snake or something.
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"You just need to get over it" is belittling.
That is, sure. But realising that things can be improved or got over, with help, rather than denying that change is possible*, is a first step that other people can't make for you.
* I'm referring to:
Those aspects of my being will never change.
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The things that can change, I change. The things I can't change, I must accept. And I've learned to know the difference.
Learn to live a life of solitude. Maybe you'd like to become a monk. It might suit you better.
I'm already living a life of solitude. It so doesn't suit me.
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The big question that so far doesn't seem to have been asked or answered is: are any of your expressed habits the result of illness (for example, skin reacting badly to sunlight, an allergy to alcohol), or are they just personal preferences? Because if it's the latter and if you're only nineteen like it says you are in your profile then you're being hopelessly naive at best and dangerously fatalist at worst if you seriously think that you can't change any of these aspect of your personality. Assuming you might want to.
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At first I was going to post something very harsh in response to your question, but having had a bit of time to think about it I shall instead say:
I think you're asking the wrong question. You seem to be trying to find places to take 'normal' girls on a date. you are however clearly not a 'normal' guy - not drinking alchol or coffee is acceptable, I don't drink either of these as well, but your aversion to sunlight definatly shunts you out of 'normal' and into, for want of a better term, 'batcave dweller' territory. I think the question you should be asking is "Where can I find a 'batcave dweller' girl?" because then dates will be easy, you simply do the things that you already like to do - assuming you like to do stuff apart from stay indoors all day and make machinima - only this time you have someone with you.
my answer to the qestion I suggest you ask is - I'm not sure, but I'll have a stab in the dark at the internet. go forth, swollow your pride and join a dating site. The demographic of girls your looking for is pretty small so you need as much help as you can get.
Speaking of swallowing your pride, you're not leaving yourself many options, so just go to the damn movies - so what if it's cleche, when it gets rigth down to it, pretty much everything you could do for a first date is cleche, dating is cleche.
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As I've learned from my past three girlfriends, apparently I have this knack of attracting girls that fall for me REALLY hard and then get all crazy.
What's that all about?
(see also: I thought I liked girls with brown eyes, but always end up with blue-eyed girls)
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Disclaimer: I am going to be relatively harsh here. This is not out of hostility, per se, so much as out of how much NQG reminds me of myself as a teenager and we all know how being reminded of oneself at a point in our life we're not fond of can illicit this, so here goes.
NQG, I don't think anyone's really judging you on the not drinking, that's pretty normal. As I mentioned, I didn't drink when I was your age and I was convinced I never would.
It's the daylight thing. Not what I'd call a defect, but it is a clear and present abnormality that you will have to get over if you ever want anything even remotely resembling a normal social life. Humans are naturally diurnal and that means you are acting in an unnatural manner, and I'm not talking the idiot type of unnatural where one claims something's odd just because they don't do it, I'm saying it's unnatural because it goes against our basic biology. I've been a night person before, hated sunlight when I was around seventeen to twenty. Didn't like to go outside if I could help it (Though I at least had major allergies to trees, grass and pollen which contributed to that). Eventually I grew the fuck out of it (And got allergy shots to eliminate the other setback) and since then I've been healthier both physically and emotionally, because that is how our bodies work. Your body is supposed to be getting routine sunlight and your mental health in particular will eventually react adversely to this.
Saying you'll never change is naive at best and full on denial at worst. You are nineteen years old, man. People change and often at that. You're at an age where people change rapidly without even noticing it. The sooner you realize that you are not the same man you will be in ten years, the better off you will be. I don't know a single person my age who fits the description you've given to me because typically when you get to be 25 with a lifestyle like that, nobody will really want to hang out with you due to the severe limitations you are placing on what you are willing to do. If you want to have a social life, you need to sack the fuck up and try to learn to enjoy a few things other people like. If you are unwilling to adapt, be prepared for a lifetime of loneliness and shitty poetry, because that is what you are in for. Yeah, it's great to be a special little snowflake and all that bullshit, but you can only coast so far on that before you get to the point of alienating people as a result of being unwilling to adjust.
What you see as condescending and insulting, I see as people trying to get through your stubborn demeanor to tell you what are essentially facts of life.
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Jon, he won't change. It sounds like a legitimate medical issue he has with sunlight. I'm guessing that based on the fact that he says he loses motor control and he had to have a note to be able to have sunglasses to school. You're acting like he just chooses or just dislikes the sun, which doesn't sound like the truth at all.
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NQG: Others have made similar points, but I'd like to add my two cents. If your face becomes noticeably puffy after eating, you may legitimately have a medical issue. If you have been checked and have no allergies, then perhaps you are overestimating how obvious the change is to others. I've never noticed anyone get puffy after eating a reasonable amount of food. Maybe try avoiding high-sodium foods. They can actually make you bloat a little. Dairy and wheat can cause some bloating if you are allergic or averse.
I'd say that if you had luck finding a girl on the internet who was eager to deflower you, your best bet might be to try the internet again. Forums for things you are interested in would be a place, or heck, even a dating site. Some are better than others, many people join several just to increase their odds. OKCupid is pretty fun. I joined that just to take silly tests.
There's no need to try being something you're not, but it can be helpful in the long run to step outside your comfort zone once in a while. I used to think I hated clubs. I thought the music was awful and the strobe lights were annoying. Some friends dragged me out, and I actually had a pretty good time just dancing away. If I'd been unwilling to go, I'd have missed out on some fun. Keep your options open, and don't be afraid to try something even if you think you might not enjoy it. Don't head to the beach and risk your health, of course.
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On my last date, I had dinner at a restaurant, played tennis at a nearby park around 9:00ish (this is a lot of fun when neither of you are no good at sports, don't do this if one of you is good or not willing to pretend they are bad, that is probably no fun) because dude had tennis rackets in his trunk, and then went home and played Wii at his place for a few hours (because the tennis courts closed at 10:00). I had a bunch of fun, and we didn't do anything particularly extravagant or anything. Dates are pretty formulaic, they should entail fun + getting to know you (maybe = kisses?).
I know movies are, like, so totally unoriginal or whatever, but I mean, come on, get over yourself. (Not you in particular, everyone in general. Everybody, get over yourselves.) I will admit, I am not particularly IMPRESSED by a movie date, but I am impressed by by someone who comes out of a theater with something to say. (I am not impressed with someone who has everything to say after a movie, nobody likes a culture snob. (Actually, some people like cultural snobs, usually other culture snobs.)) I'm hard-pressed to ENCOURAGE a movie date, but you just said that you really dig movies, so why don't you just see a movie or rent a movie or talk about movies? These things are not all that difficult, dude.
Good luck with sunlight!
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you are however clearly not a 'normal' guy - not drinking alchol or coffee is acceptable, I don't drink either of these as well, but your aversion to sunlight definatly shunts you out of 'normal' and into, for want of a better term, 'batcave dweller' territory. I think the question you should be asking is "Where can I find a 'batcave dweller' girl?" because then dates will be easy, you simply do the things that you already like to do - assuming you like to do stuff apart from stay indoors all day and make machinima - only this time you have someone with you.
That would fall under shit stuff I already know.
my answer to the qestion I suggest you ask is - I'm not sure, but I'll have a stab in the dark at the internet. go forth, swollow your pride and join a dating site. The demographic of girls your looking for is pretty small so you need as much help as you can get.
Oh I swallowed that bit of pride a LONG time ago. I've lost track of how many dating sites I've signed up for. They're all either complete bullshit or have exorbitant monthly fees that I can't afford. I've been going down that road for years now and haven't met even one person that way.
I'd say that if you had luck finding a girl on the internet who was eager to deflower you, your best bet might be to try the internet again. Forums for things you are interested in would be a place, or heck, even a dating site. Some are better than others, many people join several just to increase their odds. OKCupid is pretty fun. I joined that just to take silly tests.
That would fall under shit stuff I already do.
There's no need to try being something you're not, but it can be helpful in the long run to step outside your comfort zone once in a while. I used to think I hated clubs. I thought the music was awful and the strobe lights were annoying. Some friends dragged me out, and I actually had a pretty good time just dancing away. If I'd been unwilling to go, I'd have missed out on some fun. Keep your options open, and don't be afraid to try something even if you think you might not enjoy it. Don't head to the beach and risk your health, of course.
My friends took me to a club in San Francisco a couple of times. It was fun, sort of, I danced 'n stuff, but a bit beyond the realm of my social abilities. I have that phobia, I forget what its called, but it basically means "fear of attention". Been working on that one a long time, and its gotten better but its a long way from gone; it makes that sort of environment very difficult to participate in. Plus the people for the most part seemed like the kind of people I would get sick of quickly.
Anyway, the point is that I am not unwilling. I do things whenever opportunities arise.
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I sincerely mean no offense whatsoever by this, but do you talk to a psychologist/psychiatrist/counselor at all? I mean, I honestly haven't the slightest clue about where to even start giving you pointers about how to improve your social life. From your posts, I think it's not all your quirks that are hindering your chances with the ladies, I think it's a social thing and I think talking to someone who knows how to help with social things would be beneficial. Or even to have someone who's very close to you IRL might be able to help. I don't think your questions are being answered as well as you want them to be here because no one here actually knows you.
As for what people mentioned about allergies, there are allergies to the sun, so no, I don't think you should be forced to do things in nature. But the food thing could be caused not by allergies at all but because of something causing your saliva glands to be blocked up. I don't know whether this is the case or not, but certain medications can cause you to be more sensitive to food and then in turn cause that. (It happened to my mom when she'd switched to a new prescription.) Mostly it is caused by salty foods, like someone said earlier, but then again it could be a minor allergy that's causing it. I can't remember if you said you'd been to an allergist or not, but since bodies change over time and you can develop allergies as you age, you should probably go again if you can.
I would try to give date suggestions, but I am not very good at dating, so all I can say is that whatever your hobbies and interests are is your best chance of meeting someone you'll like. Whatever you like doing, do it in public. Go to concerts, conventions, shows, parties, whatever.
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My friends took me to a club in San Francisco a couple of times. It was fun, sort of, I danced 'n stuff, but a bit beyond the realm of my social abilities. I have that phobia, I forget what its called, but it basically means "fear of attention". Been working on that one a long time, and its gotten better but its a long way from gone; it makes that sort of environment very difficult to participate in. Plus the people for the most part seemed like the kind of people I would get sick of quickly.
Anyway, the point is that I am not unwilling. I do things whenever opportunities arise.
I have suffered (and still do to some extent) from really bad social anxiety. The thing that helped me more than anything was being forced into social situations that were difficult for me (in my case it was moving to the dorms in college, which wound up really being the greatest thing to happen to me). You say you enjoyed clubs, but were still having difficulties there, so I think you should really try going more often. I know how much it sucks being forced into a situation like that, but if you're anything like me it will really help you in the long run. Try to just go and have as much fun as possible, don't worry about getting tired of the people there, you're not yet. Just go out, have fun, and relax.
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Is it acceptable to just be happy around someone and not actually feel any need to make a romantic move because you're happy enough just being with them?
If that makes any sense. Just checking.
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Works for me.
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Yes. It's called "having a friend".
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Yes. It's called "having a friend".
Haha. I meant with a girl who you have very strong feelings for. :-P
And that you like them enough that it is enough just being with them. Sorry I didn't exactly make it clear.
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Yes. It's called "having a friend".
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Yes. It's called "having a friend you have a crush on".
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Just make sure you're realistic about this. Being someone's friend doesn't always develop in to the fulfillment of a crush. Though it can lead to that at times, it's best to be prepared that you might always just be friends and to get to the point where you're okay with that. Don't continue to hang out with her under false pretenses. If you're just hanging out because you hope that someday it will maybe lead to something, you're setting yourself up for disappointment, and she will be legitimately pissed. After all, she thought she had a friend and here you were just trying to get in to her pants the entire time. Also, don't let her stand in the way of developing other romantic interests. If she's made it pretty clear that she just wants to be your friend, then you not dating other people and "waiting for her" isn't romantic, it's creepy. Avoid these pitfalls and a little sexual attraction between friends can lead to a very close and affectionate friendship.
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The point being, I'm not hanging around with her under false pretenses. Even if I didn't like her like that, I'd still enjoy hanging around with her. Thanks for the post though, there's some pretty good advice in there. :-)
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Forgot to answer these:
Any tips?
Just that if I were to find out that someone who was pursuing me didn't bother to decide between backstabbing friends and myself, then I obviously wouldn't mean as much to that person as they thought I did. You should stand up for what you believe in.
Also, why are you hanging out with "stupid assholes?" There are more important things than having a social life, and I think it would be more emotionally healthy to spend time with people you find worthwhile rather than necessary for some reason.
Any tips?
Do any of these people know her that you're aware of or are they just really that insecure/silly? I only ask this because when in college one of the ladies I was mildly interested in basically turned out to be ridiculously conceited gossip who luckily lost a bunch of credibility as more people got to know her.
I overdid it when I said that they were "stupid assholes". It's just more that... ah, this is a total dickish thing to say, but I feel intellectually far superior to them. They are nice people, I share some interests with them, I can joke and laugh with them, sure. But they have no clue about popular culture, they don't care about politics or anything remotely important (they can't go any further than "bombing Palestine is bad", "the children in Africa is hungry, we should totally do something"), and such thing. This girl I like, she has all that. I can have conversations with her about how a play is stupid because it was a shitty try at self-realisation and being "deep", altough they didn't do anything new. We can make fun of hipsters together. We can chat about how the right side of Norwegian politics should have fun with their urinal tubes and barbed wire, because they are going to fucking destroy our country. And so on. Her problem is that she tries to have the same conversation with my other, "dumber" friends, I don't do this. Since they can't tell the difference between being smart and faking it, they thing she is trying to be all important and grown up and better than them, when she really isn't any good at lowering herself to a simpler level of conversation. This is why thay sometimes talk shit about her.
But your advice is pretty damn good. The next time they start, I'll tell them that they are being bitches, and she is a smart girl who I think deserves better than them being bitches about what kind of person she is. Mostly because I mean it, but also because I hope that I can make them accept her. Then me trying to date her won't make me be shunned by my other friends.
Thanks, guys.
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Hey guys, I have a friend who means a lot to me, but as nothing more than a friend. He is awesome and I love him and all that jazz, but I don't feel anything "romantic" towards him.
Soon, we will be going out on what will be a rather emotional adventure for me. He is going to be there for support, hugs, and advice. Now, since I'm gonna be all stressed out and a nervous wreck, I'd like to wear this one outfit that is fairly revealing, but consists of three layers, so it makes me feel super safe. But because it is pretty low cut, and honestly kinda slutty, I am pretty sure he'll think I am trying to hit on him. My other option is to wear this shirt that I got recently that I look like a boy in(since I got it in the boy's section and all) that I really like, that he would awesome think is pretty neat(its got some of our favorite things on it), but doesn't work as armor against stressful things. But he wouldn't think I was hitting on him. The break down of the shirts is like this:
Slutty shirt:
-5 stress
+1 confusion(in allies)
+3 anger(in allies)
+3 attraction(in creepers)
The boy shirt:
-3 attraction
-2 confidence
-3 warmth
What should I wear?
(Note: this post is only half serious. The rest is just kinda silly.)
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Boy shirt + a coat of some description? To make you warm and to provide a tougher thing to wear.
Would advise not going with said "slutty" top, because of problems it is liable to cause.
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I'd go the slutty top. Who cares? It's just a bit of boob.
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hoodies:
awesome +5
jeans:
Awesome +5
That's pretty much how my post in that thread.
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Hey guys, I used an elixer and a powder of luck and managed to get my sweater vest to +5!!! I even manage to reduce the Female unattraction penalty to only 2!
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Hoodies
-5 charisma to all those with "lawful" alignment
+5 charisma to anyone else wearing a hoodie
+3 stealth if hood is up
Thats good news dude, but I thought you could socket that sweater vest?
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Guys, I hope you aren't making fun of me. This is for serious how I look at my clothes.
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What should I wear?
Perhaps a floaty scarf that's light enough to keep on would tame the slutty top for you?
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I agree, numbered attributes for clothes is a great idea (and Emaline, I'm not making fun of you).
Jeans:
+5 awesomeness
-1 wear them too much
Shorts:
-5 hairy legs
T-Shirt:
+4 comfortable
Sweatshirt:
+5 comfortable (even when wearing t-shirt underneath, overall comfort is 5; aka adds one comfort)
-2 overheating
w/ hood:
+1 comfortable for total of 6
+ 4 stealth
+2 aloofness
-2 legality (not allowed to wear inside at school)
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*Ahem*
Shouldn't this belong in the fashion thread or something?
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Shorts:
-5 hairy legs
I have hairy legs, and never had a problem with shorts. I've started more or less wearing mainly plaid shorts. Are you a woman?
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Well, it might have something to do with you not having pale white legs... at least for me that is a problem with shorts and the reason why I usually don't wear them.
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See, I do not have hairy legs, I have feminine calves. This is why I need to ride my bicycle all the time, to build up strong legs, so I don't look like a lady from the knees-down.
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James I have huge calves does this make my legs ugly?
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No it just means they aren't dainty like a ballerina.
I just don't have hairy legs and I've got slim calves so if I don't define them well I get self-conscious.
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Emaline, could you wear the slutty one under the boy shirt? I mean, you'd still be wearing it, but your friend wouldn't be confused.
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No. The slutty one is a few different layers. And one of the layers(the lacy one) has a bit of a collar on it, just would peak out under the boy shirt. I will probably just wear the slutty shirt.
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If you are good good friends, then why don't you just tell him you aren't hitting on him? Y'know, make a little joke out of it. :-)
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Yeah maybe when you are looking at apartments you'll find one you love and you will have a sexy neighbor who likes tattoos and octopi and fuckin' rad music and also you.
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But he likes rad music and octopi and kinda me. Except I cannot hit on him.
If he says anything(as he has in the past when I wore low cut tops, I will just "psh" him.
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Okay guys, first question what does "psh" mean?
Second, I am in one of my philosophical moments, so I am wondering for a moment, what do you guys actually want out of relationships? As in really want out of them? You all seem to be somewhat quirky individuals but having asked most of my real life friends they inevitably want to do the whole "get married and have kids" thingamajig, and I was just wondering what you guys thought about that.
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Well at the moment what I want is.. Actually, that's pretty hard to answer (this is coming from a 15 year old, btw). Well, the best I can come up with is the person I want to be with being with me.
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"Psh" is like saying "whatevs." Or "hahaha you are so wrong."
And right now, .....I have no fucking clue what I want out of a relationship. Or even that I want one. I don't really want to spend time worrying about someone, or (god forbid)someone worry about me(which, at this current moment, is way too much to ask anyone. I feel like I shouldn't meet anyone new without first saying "just so you know, I am suicidally depressed!").
But I do want someone to go out and have fun with, and be sexual with and get cuddles from. I get enough emotional support from my friends, I don't need another person getting overly worried about me.
Does any of that make sense?
One of my closest friends(the one I was talking about earlier!) thinks that this is all a terrible idea for myself, and that I will only end up getting hurt, and being hurt worse. And that I should wait until my life is less crazy and tiring to try anything at all with anyone.
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I get enough emotional support from my friends, I don't need another person getting overly worried about me.
usually, but not always, the person you are in a relationship in is or becomes your closest friend, so I don't think you can have a relationship with someone and not have them worry about you, especially if you describe yourself as suicidally depressed.
That said, what I've looked for in a relationship is someone who compliments me. Its not necessary to me for us to have the same taste in music, movies, fashion, but rather a respect and understanding for each others character and personality.
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for me, it isn't so much "what i look for in a relationship" as it is "what my relationships are like" cos i have always been pretty indifferent when single and don't really actively look to be with someone. all of my serious relationships started because i realised they were my closest friend and that i didn't want to experience my life without them.
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I get enough emotional support from my friends, I don't need another person getting overly worried about me.
usually, but not always, the person you are in a relationship in is or becomes your closest friend, so I don't think you can have a relationship with someone and not have them worry about you, especially if you describe yourself as suicidally depressed.
Which is why I don't want a relationship. I don't want a relationship because I don't want someone to worry about me. I don't need another body worrying about me. But it'd be nice to have somebody to play with. Someone who I can hang out with and not have to spend a second thinking about my shitty life. I understand that my friends want me to talk about my shitty life to try to help me, but I don't want to think about it everytime I leave my house.
I don't think I'm asking for too much. I just want some dude or lady who is down with just hanging out, and fucking around. I don't want comitment. I don't want involvement. I just want to have some fun.
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Okay guys, first question what does "psh" mean?
Second, I am in one of my philosophical moments, so I am wondering for a moment, what do you guys actually want out of relationships? As in really want out of them? You all seem to be somewhat quirky individuals but having asked most of my real life friends they inevitably want to do the whole "get married and have kids" thingamajig, and I was just wondering what you guys thought about that.
My friend asked me that, because I wasn't looking for sex out of a relationship, so he asked "what's the point?"
I don't remember what my response was, but I remember saying something about him being shallow, and something about the wrong reasons.
Now, thinking about it, I'm not sure. Maybe it's just so I can have someone to talk to late hours in the morning, or maybe I've gotten used to sharing affection with someone. It's a good feeling, really.
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I'd like to fall in love again, but special people take time to find. For now I aim to spend time with people, get to know each other, and enjoy basking in each other's humanity.
The whole happily ever after marriage and kids things at times feels too conventional, but you can take anything conventional and twist it to suit you as an individual person, as long as you know that you want it for your own reasons and not just because you are supposed to want it. I feel like I used to be more reactive and not want things just because I felt like I was supposed to, but that really isn't that much better than just going along with it. As someone who didn't get to have the classic loving family, I'm beginning to think that is something that would really give me a lot of satisfaction and happiness to finally be a part of. Like knowing that I can break the cycle.
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I'd like to fuck all the time.
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Fucking, cuddling, and someone to talk to. You know, really just talk about everything and have fun while doing it. I guess what I want the most is someone that I can be together with in every way I want. Not that I'd be clingy (I guess), but someone to do everything with, including sexing.
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I realised today that a guy who I've been getting the same bus as for two years is actually kind of cute (I'd noticed this before in an abstract way), very nice and pretty interesting. I like the idea of being in a relationship with him even though I'm not attracted to him. Is this doomed to failure? I have no idea how he feels about me, I was just wondering really.
Oh and I think I kind of asked him on a date, sort of. We were talking about Duplicity which I'm going to see with some friends and I asked him if he wanted to come too. He seemed keen! I shall decide whether or not I want it to be a date and then we shall see.
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So this guy messaged me on a dating website and was all "I might be too old for you..." and I looked at his profile and thought, wow he is really awesome and we have a lot in common, but 34 is too old for 21 year old me. So I messaged him back and said that, but noted that we should chat because he seems really cool. We talked on the internets and it was very nice, and we met up at a local coffee shop (he only lives a few miles away!). When we met it turns out I find him attractive, and I could tell that for some reason in meeting him I felt a bit nervous. It went really well and we talked about 80s cartoons, recent shows we had gone to (it turned out we were at the same one a few months ago), and movies. He invited me to go thriftshopping with him on Saturday, which I might depending on if I am free. We have so much in common I'm a little afraid to post this in case he turns out to post on this forum.
I realized when I got back that I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should be like, "hey never mind on the too old for me thing" or if he's just this new awesome friend I have. What do I dooooooo relationship thread
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If you're attracted to the dude and you guys share a bunch of common interests and have actual things to talk about and have fun doing together, just go for it if you think it might be a good time. Cliche as the saying is, age really is just a number in most cases. I've seen much more ridiculous age differences than that. A couple people in your life might get a little up in arms about it, but it sounds to me like you guys clicked well enough that it might be worth pursuing.
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34 is not so old for a 21 year old, especially if you find him attractive and you get along well and you don't get any creepy 'Dad vibes' from him. Just take it as a friendship and see what happens I guess!
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I realised today that a guy who I've been getting the same bus as for two years is actually kind of cute (I'd noticed this before in an abstract way), very nice and pretty interesting. I like the idea of being in a relationship with him even though I'm not attracted to him. Is this doomed to failure? I have no idea how he feels about me, I was just wondering really.
Oh and I think I kind of asked him on a date, sort of. We were talking about Duplicity which I'm going to see with some friends and I asked him if he wanted to come too. He seemed keen! I shall decide whether or not I want it to be a date and then we shall see.
I can't think about that movie without thinking about this picture (http://imgur.com/19K9F.gif)
In all honesty though, attraction is a tremendous part of a relationship. It depends what you mean by "like the idea of being in an a relationship with him."
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I am rather pleased to notice that my question has elicited such a wide range of answers, I was expecting a wider and more interesting amount of answers than I got out of real life people, and its good to see that people all want something different.
But I have to ask (and this is partially out of sheer self indulgence) does anyone plan on not having a relationship at all when they got older? Its just that I can quite easily picture myself living alone forever pretty much, and it is starting to worry other people (and myself if I am honest) that nobody else has even considered the possibility outside of there darkest nightmares.
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Well, when I was younger (around 17-18) I couldn't really envision myself being with anyone for any particularly long time. I had a girlfriend at the time but I kind of hated her and was only with her because I didn't want to be alone and I had all kinds of self-destructive habits and whatnot. Any time that I tried to imagine an older version of myself I would always be alone. Not unhappy, just not with anyone. Even when I imagined having kids I always figured I would be a single dad; either divorced or widowed or something.
Now that I'm (slightly) older and I've kicked the habit of being with people (both platonically and romantically) who are absolutely terrible for me I've been in a happy and successful relationship for over two years. We're talking about moving in together next year and I can honestly see a different outlook for my life. I even don't hate the idea of having kids anymore after having met Pen's daughter when I was in Boston as she is pretty much cute as a button and, in my experience of children, just the sweetest kid in the world.
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Damn right.
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Plus she gives a pretty great high five.
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34 is not so old for a 21 year old, especially if you find him attractive and you get along well and you don't get any creepy 'Dad vibes' from him. Just take it as a friendship and see what happens I guess!
13 year-old dad vibes
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34 is not so old for a 21 year old, especially if you find him attractive and you get along well and you don't get any creepy 'Dad vibes' from him. Just take it as a friendship and see what happens I guess!
13 year-old dad vibes (http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2233878.ece)
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But I have to ask (and this is partially out of sheer self indulgence) does anyone plan on not having a relationship at all when they got older?
I don't plan on this one way or the other. Yes, I'd probably enjoy being in a relationship with someone when things settle down and my life is not completely chaotic. Do I need a relationship to complete my life? No, not really. I am fine with being single as long as I have good friends. And good fuck buddies.
That all being said....
Would I be a terrible person if I started an extremely casual relationship with someone who I am not attracted to, nor do I ever have any plans to have any sort of serious or any more serious relationship with this person?*
They give me the attention that I want and I know I could get them to play "boyfriend/girlfriend" with me(meaning: make outs, and snuggles, and "oh my gosh we are head over heels for each other!" but not really being serious about any of it).
*the answer to this question is yes. Yes, I would be a terrible person. This person would get hurt, and it'd be my fault. People are not toys. They are living, breathing things with emotions. Tell me that I should not do this.
Also, a long long long long time ago, I used to sleep with/hang around with this one fellow. Our relationship never meant anything more than banging. Occasionally, we'd just hang out and not fuck, and this was all fine and dandy and fun, and neither of us had any complaints about that. But mostly we just slept together. We ended our relationship rather apathetically, when we both moved away. No one got hurt and occasionally we'd make rather lusty phone calls to each other, but in general we lost touch.
*Now, I am probably moving to the same neighborhood as him, and I have been really tempted to start our relationship up with him. I talked to him just the other day and he seems pretty ok with it. One of my friends is concerned that I will just end up hurt if I do start up this relationship with this guy. What are your thoughts?
*this is if I don't start up the relationship with the other fellow.
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Started a new quarter at school today, cute boy in my feminism class
Is this a trick?
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some guys do take feminism classes to pick up girls, unfortunately. i have met lots of guys in uni (some gay girls too) who have professed to doing this and the vast majority of them were completely obnoxious misogynist assholes. there are lots of very good guys who are into feminism too though, just tread lightly and don't get your hopes up before you get to know him.
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Started a new quarter at school today, cute boy in my feminism class
Is this a trick?
Possibly nu-Romantic frilly collar type. tread carefully
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my high school literature teacher defined feminist as a person who think women should have equal rights. By that definition its not hard to find men that are feminists.
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Didn't we have one in the Discuss forum?
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By that definition nearly everyone in the world is a Feminist.
Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
Have you actually like, been in the world recently? At all?
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Guys, once me and Tommy had a huge fight about this. I think its probably best to not discuss it.
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Started a new quarter at school today, cute boy in my feminism class
Is this a trick?
Be hella suspicious.
hella
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Ok, fine. I don't want to argue, but if you guys feel the need to discuss this, there is a proper thread for it, and I'd rather not have anyone mucking this thread up.
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Some people confuse being a feminism with egalitarianism. Just sayin'.
Also, maybe the guy is taking the class with hopes it will help him understand women. Feel free to assist him with extracurricular studies.
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Also,
(Oh man. Somebody answer my questions. I have one friend telling me that I would NOT be an ass for screwing around with the first guy, and one friend telling me I am completely stupid for wanting to start things up with the other guy.)
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Emaline, I think you're fine in either case so long as you're honest with the people involved and are sure they're capable of being honest with you and with themselves.
If the first guy (as you maybe imply) is not capable of being in a relationship that's just for fun and doesn't mean anything, then you probably shouldn't enter in to a relationship with him. It won't feel good for long if you're just playing around and he thinks you're a serious prospect.
If the second guy is someone who you've comfortably had a relationship of this type with in the past, there's no reason to believe you won't be able to handle it this time.
However, you should be honest with yourself too. You seem to be in a rough spot right now and sex, even casual sex, can have complicated emotions involved. It might be best just to not enter in to a sexual relationship with anyone for a little while and see if you can get to a stable, happy place for yourself first. It's up to you to decide what you can handle, but if a little physical comfort isn't worth the additional emotional stress, please admit that to yourself.
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I found out he is a Gender Studies and Performance Studies major.
Is he gay? Is he for real? Am I in love? What is happening?
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The last two times I've had sex, its been with someone I didn't like at all. With both of these guys, I have a small amount of emotional investment. They first guy is definitely someone who I would consider my friend. We are emotionally involved with each others lives. I talked to him shortly after my first therapy session, and he was basically there for part of the backlash(therapy is stupid and dumb and terrible and I hate it and it makes me act like a child. I came home and I threw shit. I threw a newspaper at the wall, and my wallet at a mirror. I don't typically act like this.) He is a witness to my bad behavior and how I am emotionally, and he deals with it well. He also has a lot more emotionally invested in me than I do in him. I feel like, even if I am completely honest with him, he is still going to get hurt.
As for the second guy, well, I am pretty sure I don't mean much more to him than a fuck buddy. I used to worry that he was too emotionally attached because he is quite a snuggler, and man, every person that I've just casually hooked up with was not into snuggles at all, and this dude is hardcore into them. But I honestly don't think he has any emotional attachment to me. I don't think hanging out with some dude, and banging occasionally will be a bad thing at all.
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Clara, maybe he's bi. Gender bender!
Em, I can't answer your question because I tried the fuck buddy thing once and it made me feel all sorts of wrong. But uh, if you're going to do it, go for the second guy. Don't hurt your friend if you don't have to. Also, snuggles are pretty much amazing. Embrace the snuggles.
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By that definition nearly everyone in the world is a Feminist.
EQUAL RIGHTS mean I can find a girl that will date a guy younger than or of equal age to them.
THERE ARE NO EQUAL RIGHTS.
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Wait, of all the inequities/gender differences in the world you could have picked, it's that women usually like older guys? Men usually like younger women, so it sorta' works out in the end, and if you've got a thing for older women there are enough of them out there who do like younger guys that you should probably be fine.
Anyway, Em, if you're going to do this, I agree with Linds it needs to be guy #2. It sounds like guy #1 probably is someone you need as a friend right now, and if you screw that up by sleeping with him, knowing that it will mean something more to him then it does to you, you might regret it later.
And Yunior, if you're curious about Gender Studies guy's sexual orientation, just ask him. If he's a gender studies major, he's probably comfortable talking about it and will probably give you an honest answer. For the record, I'm a (mostly) heterosexual dude and I briefly thought about getting a master's degree in gender studies simply because I find it really interesting. So you never know.
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By that definition nearly everyone in the world is a Feminist.
EQUAL RIGHTS mean I can find a girl that will date a guy younger than or of equal age to them.
THERE ARE NO EQUAL RIGHTS.
Cougars.
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I don't think a Cougar is going to go for a 16 year o-... Nevermind.
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I dated a guy who was two years younger than me when I was sixteen. It was the best relationship I've had to date.
I wouldn't date you though. It would take me more than two years to walk to see you each day.
This is a facetious reply but I'm being fairly serious: age gaps don't matter after a certain point. Just because it's socially common for the man to be older doesn't mean it's wrong for the woman to be older.
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I am dating a guy 10 years my senior. It is pretty awesome.
I think that girls your age probably don't want to date guys the same age or younger because of maturity factors. Girls mature earlier than guys (generalising here) so they would probably go for older men as they would be the same maturity level. Dating a younger guy would probably have the same issues, so it's probably why that happens.
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Plenty of girls date younger. Sure, they may prefer older, just like they may prefer doctors, or brunettes - but that doesn't mean they will reject everybody else out of hand. Make a good impression and you should be fine.
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The last person I had any sort of a relationship with was 7 years older than me. He is now seeing a woman who is 7 years older than me.
We are still friends, and whenever we had our little relationship, he used to tell me that I am too young for him all the time. I guess it was a big deal to him. Now that he is dating his lady, with the same age gap as he and I had, I always want to tease him and ask if she says he's too young.
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The last person I had any sort of a relationship with was 7 years older than me. He is now seeing a woman who is 7 years older than me.
Emaline's age=x
His age=x+7
Other woman's age also=x+7
I think you made a typo. I think I understand that you meant to say 7 years older than him. Otherwise you just blew my mind.
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Granted, I would be more reluctant to start a serious relationship with a 19-year-old (7 years younger) then a 33-year-old (7 years older). It's not just the number of years or even the ratio so much as it's a stage of life thing. I've both finished my bachelor's and worked in the professional world for several years, I'm planning for grad school and I'm reasonably sure where my life is going, I'm completely independent of my parents, and I'd like to start thinking about starting a family of my own. Given all that, I would prefer to date someone who is also either done with or in the later stages of her education, had a clear sense of what she was going to do with her life, lived on her own, and was ready to start thinking about marriage and family. This doesn't describe all that many 19-year-olds. Simply put, I'd be much more likely to find someone who shares my goals for the relationship with the older woman then I would be with the younger woman.
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The last person I had any sort of a relationship with was 7 years older than me. He is now seeing a woman who is 7 years older than me.
Emaline's age=x
His age=x+7
Other woman's age also=x+7
I think you made a typo. I think I understand that you meant to say 7 years older than him. Otherwise you just blew my mind.
Haha, yeah. Man I was totally confused there for a second, but you are right.
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Girls mature earlier than guys (generalising here) so they would probably go for older men as they would be the same maturity level.
i hear this all the time and there probably is some truth to it, but it still bugs me cos i have met a lot of guys who only date younger girls and like to say this because that way they can justify their creepy relationships with their girlfriends who are drastically younger than them (not creepy specifically because of the age difference, but creepy because they actually were just creepy couples). i'm pretty hypocritical anyway in that everyone i've ever been involved with has been a few years older than me, but still, something about hearing guys say this gives me a bit of a bad vibe.
basically what i am trying to say in this lame post is that i wish there were more guys who are cool with dating older ladies.
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I am so completely down with dating older ladies.
Not really older men, though.
I can't explain that one.
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I am too. I really don't understand why some people get weirded out by it. Especially once you're in your twenties and the maturity issue shouldn't matter as much.
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I really would not have a problem in the least dating an older lady.
Except that whole not single thing, you know.
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I like dating people at the same maturity level as me and that's all I know. But I am in my 20s and I don't want to date younger boys because the ones around here are kind of dumb.
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How is "maturity level" defined. I mean I just wanted to ask how people define how "mature" someone is.
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Girls mature earlier than guys (generalising here) so they would probably go for older men as they would be the same maturity level.
See I think this only applies when you're talking about people between the ages of 14 and 18.
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By that definition nearly everyone in the world is a Feminist.
EQUAL RIGHTS mean I can find a girl that will date a guy younger than or of equal age to them.
THERE ARE NO EQUAL RIGHTS.
Actually it's funny that although now I'm semi into this 34 year old guy, and dated some people one or two years older than me, the vast number of people I've been into have tended to be younger or maybe the same age. AND THEY WERE ALL EFFING DUMB. srsly
One thing I've noticed with equal age or younger guys 18-22 is that they freak out easy. Showing interest means I love them and want to suck them into a heavy serious relationship, even if what I'm really getting at is a bootycall. Or sometimes they were into the serious thing, but as a result completely changed their personality and became uninteresting.
I think maturity level as far as relationships go is being able to be honest and upfront about your emotions and what you want. Also important is having a sense of self strong enough to be open to growing and learning from someone else, while still resisting the urge to abandon their individual perspective in hopes of merging completely into a single relationship unit (so gross). There is a really fine balance between the ability to love and depend on other people, and the ability to be independent on one's own. It might be something you have to figure out with time. I think men are raised in a culture that discourages the dependence aspect, as well as demonstrating emotion (being a wuss, being emo, i.e. being a 'girl') so perhaps thats why there is a hunk of truth in the generalization that they mature slower as there needs to be more time to reprogram all that junk out.
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Girls mature earlier than guys (generalising here) so they would probably go for older men as they would be the same maturity level.
See I think this only applies when you're talking about people between the ages of 14 and 18.
Mr Blu is 16, no? That is what I was referring to. I agree that after about 18 the whole "maturity" thing evens out so it's not really an excuse after that point.
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I am dating a guy thirty-eight million my senior. It is pretty awesome.
I think that girls your age probably don't want to date guys the same age or younger because of maturity factors. Girls mature earlier than guys (generalising here) so they would probably go for older men as they would be the same maturity level. Dating a younger guy would probably have the same issues, so it's probably why that happens.
FYP
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Yeah sorry Hannah hadn't read the whole thing. I'd make a joke about how old est is but I mean I don't want to do that too much.
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(http://wwwdelivery.superstock.com/WI/223/1439/PreviewComp/SuperStock_1439R-93077.jpg)
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You are so mean to me.
Like, 24/7 mean.
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It's alright, though, because old people don't have feelings.
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Cold and corpse-like, eh?
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Love, A word that many define differently. A word that some take for granted and use everyday in their simpllist conversations. In the same sense someone may take the word verify seriously and never use it because of the seriousness it inflicts within their own thought process. This word can be used to generalize how you should be towards your kindred. Where as this word may be used for that special one person in your life that means more than everything and everyone else to you. It may be a word used in a moment of passion as chemical in your brain signal for your to blurt out a word to rationalize the intense sensative you are feeling. Will we ever know what a true love is? No.
No one can not be hurt in a relationship. There is always risk when trying anything.
That is how I feel about things, but am still conflicted in my own personal mind about my relationships. Is my logic flawed? Do I need to narrow my own view of the word love?
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Dear Relationship Thread,
Remember guy #1? Well, I had told him to take me out to dinner. He wanted to, and we were going to go. Then I had a panic attack(about money) and cancelled on him. He got pissed off and told me that I needed to go because all I do is sit around and stress out all the time and I need to go have fun and do something relaxing.
Now, I kinda get the feeling that he only wants to go out for dinner because he thinks we are going to have sex afterwards, which is why he got pissed off. However, dude is also one of my friends and maybe has a point and is pissed because I do actually need to do something fun and not sit at home having panic attacks. So which is it, relationship advice thread? And what should I do?
Also, there is a plan b. I could invite him over for chinese food and card games. Which slightly sounds like a better idea because I wouldn't have to leave my home, and it would still be fun. But then, I mean, then dude is gonna think that sense we are already in my house and all that he is gonna get laid.
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JUST GO DO SOMETHING WITH HIM.
Jesus. Maybe he just wants to go out to bone you. Maybe he doesn't. That fact is completely and totally irrelevant to the fact that the more you sit there, wondering and worrying, the less you're actually doing and the more of a hole you're going to dig to sit in. You can have a fun time with a dude who wants to make with the sex and not actually bone him and yeah maybe he'll be disappointed but fuckin' hell, that is irrelevant too because that is his own damn fault for putting expectations.
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^what he said
Sitting at home worrying won't help at all. And it's probably just going to worsen your depression, so go do some shit. As long as you trust him to stop when you say "no", it's better to go than not.
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A dude can totally want/enjoy sex without really thinking that everything that happens prior to the sex is so much detritus that just needs to be tolerated prior to the "main event." I've gone out with women who I figured might have sex with me and still had a great time whether it happened or not. Oddly, the fact that I'm not really all that sexually demanding to begin with is probably why I appreciate genuine enthusiasm for sex so much. I'm kinda creeped out by the idea that the girl I'm boning might see sex as merely a formality that comes along once a certain stage in the relationship is reached rather than something they have a real interest in doing. A lady closing her eyes and just thinking of England would probably kill my boner in about a tenth of a second.
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It isn't so much as "oh man dude has bought me dinner a few times, I obviously owe him sex" as it is "dude makes a lot of moves and advances that I ignore I am pretty sure he wants to have sex."
Anyway, I invited him over for chinese food and video games. My dog must have been trained by manhating lesbians, because as soon as he would sit next to me, she would get on the couch and sit between us. She is no little dog, she's a german shepard chow mix. So she sort of cockblocked all night. I don't think he likes my dog.
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. You can have a fun time with a dude who wants to make with the sex and not actually bone him and yeah maybe he'll be disappointed but fuckin' hell, that is irrelevant too because that is his own damn fault for putting expectations.
To be fair you really probably couldn't have a good time with some dudes who just want to do the deed.
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Either I will not be friends with this girl or we will be dating by morning
Man relationships choices whilst drunk are bad but addictive
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Guys. The guy who's music I went to see and who I had lunch with yesterday - should I ask him to the movies tonight? I likes him.
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Guys. The guy who's music I went to see and who I had lunch with yesterday - should I ask him to the movies tonight? I likes him.
Yes.
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Guys. The guy who's music I went to see and who I had lunch with yesterday - should I ask him to the movies tonight? I likes him.
yes.
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Ok. I will let you know if things go well. I'm thinking Adventureland or Monsters vs. Aliens, but we will see.
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Adventureland looks stupid but Monsters vs Aliens is kinda cutesy.
Oh you probably weren't asking about advice on the movie... :-P
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I'd go for Monsters v. Aliens, Linds.
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. You can have a fun time with a dude who wants to make with the sex and not actually bone him and yeah maybe he'll be disappointed but fuckin' hell, that is irrelevant too because that is his own damn fault for putting expectations.
To be fair you really probably couldn't have a good time with some dudes who just want to do the deed.
Exactly.
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I asked him and he said, "Of course," and we're seeing MvA. Yay!
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I just saw I Love You, Man. Fucking hilarious, way better than the previews showed it to be. For anyone else who needs a good date movie, I say go with that one.
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Monsters vs. Aliens would be a great date movie. It was funny and cute, though surprisingly short.
So dude and I met up for a 9pm movie and hung around talking until around 1-ish. There were a few awkward silences, but I usually am awkwardly silent around people I haven't been around much and when we were talking the talking was good. And this definitely wasn't a date, but I don't know if he actually has that in mind or if he's just looking for more people to hang out with. I hope it isn't the latter. I don't really need another male friend without boy attached to the front of it.
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I don't really need another male friend without boy attached to the front of it.
I find most of my male friends have boys attached to their fronts.
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Monsters vs. Aliens would be a great date movie. It was funny and cute, though surprisingly short.
So dude and I met up for a 9pm movie and hung around talking until around 1-ish. There were a few awkward silences, but I usually am awkwardly silent around people I haven't been around much and when we were talking the talking was good. And this definitely wasn't a date, but I don't know if he actually has that in mind or if he's just looking for more people to hang out with. I hope it isn't the latter. I don't really need another male friend without boy attached to the front of it.
I take it you had a good time, then? Good going! =D
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yeah, congrats :-D ! and monsters vs. aliens was an EXCELLANT movie. I saw it in 3d Imax; the visuals were crazy good.
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dear relationships thread,
why do i get along really well with my boyfriend when we actually see each other in person (one of the reasons i haven't broken up with him, despite certain internet people's advice!) but... not so much when we are apart and communicating through phone conversations/texting/facebook/etc? what the hell am i supposed to do about this? i don't think spending more time together is the answer because really it is not healthy to only ever hang out with your significant other, and i don't want that because i am an independent lady. but i can't see any other possible solutions either.
also why do i keep thinking about the other boy adlskgjfjhdkdfgdsk. i don't have romantic feelings for him, i just think things kind of ended on a weird note and i would like things to stop being weird and have teh normal friendships but i don't want to act creepy and clingy and keep on inviting him to do stuff with me (not sexy stuff) and keep getting shot down, cause that would be kind of sad and pathetic and desperate. so i just don't talk to him even though i do want to. should i try getting in touch with him again or just not bother?
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Unless the communication issues are full blown arguments I wouldn't read too much into them. Speaking from my own experience, I'm about a 1000% better at and more interested in face-to-face communication than talking over a phone. Quite simply, I was raised in a family that communicates largely through equal parts sarcasm and animated body language; I have a strong tendency to send most of my positive/approving messages through non-verbal communication and my negative messages verbally. That's fine in a face-to-face situation when people can obviously tell I'm happy to see them, but over a phone I find life is a lot easier if I actively change the way I communicate. It works, but frankly, it's something I'm not really interested in doing for any longer than I have to. Honestly, the best relationship of my life was somewhat awkward over the phone but it didn't really matter very much.
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A lot of people just don't like the phone, or other technology, unless it's for communicating essential information. I'm assuming you guys see each other regularly enough that he might not find it necessary to spend much energy on those other things. Does this actually bother you? Or do you just worry it is indicative of greater problems with your relationship? If it does bother you, maybe you could drop a casual comment, like that you'd like to catch up with him more when you aren't together, etc. But really I feel like there are just some people who don't find technology to mesh with their communication style and probably won't change much unless you show its really really important to you. If its not, then it probably isn't a big deal.
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not so much when we are apart and communicating through phone conversations/texting/facebook/etc?
What's "not so much?" Full on arguing? Lack of discussion? Lack of connection?
For me it just depends on how seriously I'm taking the relationship. If the other person has a hard time connecting to me when I'm not physically there, it's going to be a pretty big drawback if I'm taking the relationship rather seriously, even if it's just because I have kind of high standards for a serious relationship. Do you talk a lot in person? Like.. full blow conversations, one on one?
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Anna I do not think I am that much of a pessimist but maybe I am just more jaded than I realize. Anyways, I think you should drop that dude, but I mean that is the last time I am going to say that, as you have clearly heard it enough for now.
Anyways, I don't know, how do you find the communication problematic? Is he disinterested, vacant? Is he self-conscious, awkward? Different symptoms may mean different things.
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Dear Internet,
Recently(roughly last weekend), I went to a party hosted by my (at the time)very good friends, we'll call them S and J. J and S are dating.
J picked me up to go to this party, and to buy some booze. He brought his friend, J2 along. J2 is recently single, and he is going to the party as well.
Now, typically S would pick me up, but she was out with a girl she had just met, named V.
After getting all the proper party supplies, J, J2, and I head to J's house. Once there, S and V show up, with V's 2 year old kid, who is promptly put to bed. Party begins, everybody drinks, smokes, etc.
V is new in town and doesn't really know anyone. This is my first time meeting her, J's second, and J2's first time as well. V gets very drunk/high at this party.
At many points in the night, J and S are snuggled up on the couch together, as are J2 and V. I am off to the side of the couches, on the computer, playing music for everybody and partisipating in very little conversation. I am enjoying myself.
At some point, we all go outside to smoke. V informs us all that when she gets high she tends to make out with things, and then points to me and says "you're first." I walk to the other side of the porch.
Later, I am laying on the sofa and V lays on top of me, puts her arm around me and attempts to take pictures. I wiggle free, and go outside to smoke.
Somehow one of my good friends being Jewish comes up, and V uses it to very loudly talk about how there are sooo many jews where she is from. I go back inside and lay on the couch again and start talking to S about everything that has been going on lately. V comes inside and interupts me to continue to loudly talk about all the Jews.
Basically, the party continued thusly. I had an alright time. I don't like V and was never outrightly mean to her. I just kept my interactions with her to a minimum.
Later the next day, I inform S that I don't like V. I never say anything bad about her. I just say "I don't like V, and I am sorry if that makes me a bad person." S then informs me of how I was such a cunt at the party and no one apperciated the way I acted, and ohmygod how dare I be so rude. S and I argue. I feel like I did nothing wrong and am offended that she thinks so. She thinks I am being a bitch and that obviously something is wrong with me for not like V because she is so sweet, and nice and such a wonderful person, not to mention a great mom. I tell S that I am done with the whole thing and want nothing to do with anyone.
Today, J, S's boyfriend, texts me asking if he and I are still on for Dante's(the local goth club*). He and I made plans to go during the party.
Should I go? Should I ask S for an apology? Should I let bygones be bygones? Should I be nice to V? Should I call V out? Should I talk to any of them? Was I being a bitch?
*He wants to go for a class, I want to go to meet people. I have two other circles of friends who hang out there. I've never been before. I know its silly. I'm not goth**. Neither is Coyote. Or Thursday. Or any of my other silly goth friends.
**one of my friend's once called me Gothic Betty Crocker.***
***I'm still not goth.
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Em we have only heard you say what made you mad. Is there anything you think you did that might have made you seem bitchy?
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I left the room when the girl would use the word Jew as an insult.
I wiggled free from the girl, and went to sit by myself, when she laid on me.
I was on the internet while the two couples cozied up with each other.
Honestly, I cannot think of anything that I did that was overly bitchy. The girl insulted me, I left the room. The girl basically sexually assualted me, I removed myself from the situation. Like I said, I never directly said anything mean to this girl. I told my friend that I don't like the girl because I don't want to create bad time by being around her.
S and J were my best friends. But I honestly don't think I can be friends with someone who thinks that what I did that night was wrong and what that girl did was ok.
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Thing is, they may have seen your actions as being anti-social toward the new girl instead of being that you didn't like what she was doing. It is common high school thinking (not that they are in high school, but that sort of thinking is real fucking common until people are like 35). If this V girl was vocal about the fact that you did these things, it would only make it seem worse, and the V girl may think that you don't like her but not actually know why you don't like her. If you never tell someone that what they're doing upsets you, then they will keep doing it.
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hmmm, I think you should go. It'd give you a good oppurtunity to talk to J about what happened in person and to see what he thinks about it. You definitely didn't do anything wrong. It's almost always best to talk about these things.
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Go probably. Bygones seems like the best approach, but it will probably not be that great of a solution.
People have startlingly varying interpretations of what's appropriate and what makes one a bitch. I don't think I'd be inclined to spend time with V, so I guess it depends how much you like S and if you think that's a relationship worth working on if you accept that he thinks V is alright.
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Pants, I am pretty sure that if I would have vocalized how I felt to that girl, then everybody really wouldn't have "apperciated" how I acted at that party. Everyone saw what was happening. I told J that I didn't like the girl during the party. But once again, it wasn't like "ohmyfuckinggodwhatabitch," it was like "J....I don't like V. She makes me uncomfortable. I am really sorry."
Littlekey, J doesn't think I am a bitch, and I don't think he was really aware of the arguement between S and I. I talked to him tonight and he said that he didn't think I was being a bitch.
I tried talking to S about all of this. Pre-arguement, and she is the one who turned it into an arguement. When I explained why I felt like I did, she responded with "emaline, stop being a drama queen. I'm done with this silly discussion, and am through talking about it." Because she fucking know she is wrong. And instead of acting like I did something wrong she should have stood up for me.
Basically, I'd really like an apology from S and I never want to see V again.
Am I being ridiculous?
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It's probably not going to happen, since S seems to like V. Have you ever met V sober? She might be a nice girl who just drinks and smokes way too much and becomes a bitch when drunk/high. But still, you have every right not to want to hang out with her, I just think that if hanging out with S and J makes you happy, then trying a few more times would be the best for you?
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not so much when we are apart and communicating through phone conversations/texting/facebook/etc?
What's "not so much?" Full on arguing? Lack of discussion? Lack of connection?
For me it just depends on how seriously I'm taking the relationship. If the other person has a hard time connecting to me when I'm not physically there, it's going to be a pretty big drawback if I'm taking the relationship rather seriously, even if it's just because I have kind of high standards for a serious relationship. Do you talk a lot in person? Like.. full blow conversations, one on one?
lack of discussion mostly! i feel like we are having the exact same conversation every single time we speak on the phone. which in turn makes me think that there might be a lack of connection. but then i start thinking that maybe our connection is fine and he is still the person that knows/understands me best, we just seem to have fallen into a bit of a routine and that is a thing that is common in many long term relationships. arguments don't really happen but sometimes i am irratated with the repetitiveness and he can usually tell and then he'll offer to leave me alone but he does it in this really stupid way ie, saying "oh it's okay if you don't want to talk to me...no one does." whine whine bitch bitch i am so looooonely waaah. we see each other about once or twice a week nowadays, and do spend more time talking than making out or whatever. and our face to face conversations aren't awkward or anything. in person he is cheerful, affectionate, and all sorts of good things.
james, i am finding it hard to take your advice seriously since you clearly have a massive internet crush on me and your opinions are slightly biased. hahah.
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Anna I gave up on crushes back when I drained away the last of what was 'good' in my heart. Now I just give bad advice and try to make the world a darker place.
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and then he'll offer to leave me alone but he does it in this really stupid way ie, saying "oh it's okay if you don't want to talk to me...no one does." whine whine bitch bitch i am so looooonely waaah.
Oh man. I'd break up with dude in a heartbeat. Seriously, dude needs to grow a set, and stop being such a baby. God, how fucking annoying. If some dude said that to me, I'd laugh at him. And I know I am a heartless bitch, but come on. How old is he?
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So the guy asked me if I wanted to get lunch again with him sometime this week, so I'm guessing I didn't bore the crap out of him on Saturday. This is good!
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Oh man. I'd break up with dude in a heartbeat.
Yeah, that. As a former constant whiner, I can say from experience that I didn't really become more tolerable until I acknowleded two things:
1. Everything isn't always about me.
2. Sometimes people have low self-esteem because they've earned it.
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If you've clearly explained why you were like that at the party and why you don't like V, S is being a complete douch, Em. Clearly you value your relationship with S or you wouldn't be so worried about it, but if you don't want to compromise how you feel about the situation, find better friends.
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So the guy asked me if I wanted to get lunch again with him sometime this week, so I'm guessing I didn't bore the crap out of him on Saturday. This is good!
o/
When a cute girl texts you, asking if you want to go "fuck around" at the basketball court..does she mean it literally, or am I going to have my ass handed to me at basketball?
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You're going to get your ass handed to you. Bring a band-aid for your pride?
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So, I've been invited to a party by this girl. There's gonna be booze there anyways, but she told me to bring some more - so we can sneeak off in the middle of the party and get more drunk together. Um, which is all fine and dandy with me, apart from one thing. I have to go to the lake district with my family on the day(s) that I think the party might be on. So, what do I do? Tell her I can't go to the party (which I had to do last time, and in which she ended up getting off with some guy all night), or cancel my family plans (which I didn't actually arrange or feel like doing in the first place)? If it makes any difference other people have also being asking me to do stuff on the days on which the lake district trip is planned.
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Ask the family, if you have been spending a lot of time with them, they should be fine with you should be okay to stay behind for a day or so. Hell's I am sure there are trains to the lake district, you can just catch one of those up after you have had your fun with the girl.
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Bros > Hos > family
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Well, it's more a me, my mum and sister going to the lake district to see cousins and grandparents. I'm just not sure how explosively my mum will react when I tell her I'd like to stay behind. But yeah, I'll see what they say. Thanks.
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so guys, asking a girl (that you know in meat life) out via IM, dorky or not?
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What is the problem with asking her out in meat life?
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Cos I was talking to her about dating and that sort of thing and I figured what the hell
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how did she reply?
Also, would much prefer (and would probably go much better for you) if done in meat life.
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Asking someone out online because you can't do it in meat life is a problem, for other reasons it isn't.
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Having been asked out a fair number of times both via IM and in person (and having both accepted and rejected offers in both situations), I can say that for me it doesn't make much of a difference in terms of how I answer--except that it's a lot easier to say no over IM. If you're the persuasive, persistent type, her having to deal with your pleading face could work in your favor. Not to mention that if you ask her after a fun outing with you, she's got all those feel-good hormones running through her veins. Manipulative? Maybe. I actually kind of like being given the distance and time to think about a tactful, text-based reply without the pressure having to keep a poker face and whatnot.
But I'm a dorky girl who only really dates dorky guys. So the fact that being asked out over IM doesn't bother me is probably proof that it IS dorky.
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I find it's not particularly romantic, but it's probably not going to sway the person much either way.
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It's no worse than asking someone out over the phone. Go for it.
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o/
\o
I don't think it's that big of a deal at all, really, asking someone out over IM, phone, or text.
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RELATIONSHIP THREAD.
There is this boy that is cute and single and I wants him, precious. HOW DO I DO IT. HOW I MAKE HIM MINE.
Any help would be appreciated.
Thank you for your help.
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You ask him out. It's easier than you think!
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Noooo if it ends badly I will see him every week at STLF meetings. And that is no fun.
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SACK UP.
Or wear a skirt or something cute/hot every time you know you will see him and flirt mad crazy with him. I don't know what else is more obvious (other than directly asking) other than being hit over the head with a sign saying, "DATE ME YOU SILLY BOY."
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A lot of men are entirely oblivious. He probably won't realize you're into him unless you tell him. I had to kiss mine like 6 times before he got the hint.
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Well your man seems sillier than most. Just sayin'.
Okay, so the plan so far. Look HOT tonight and hit on him as much as possible. I should ask Brittany if she is available... BRITTANY, IF YOU ARE READING THIS, COME OUT TO THE AQUARIUM TONIGHT AND HELP ME GET THE CUTE BOY I POINTED OUT TO YOU AT MADONNARAMA.
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No, most of us really are that dumb. The few times a girl has pursued me I haven't realized she was doing it until her friend told me to to stop being such a jackass and kiss the woman.
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I think I need to find a button that flashes "KISS ME" and wear it tomorrow.
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Fuck that, I need one of those for tonight. I need one so I can get kisses from this boy (in the argyle). (http://photos-f.ak.fbcdn.net/photos-ak-snc1/v2104/243/94/1310102261/n1310102261_30203053_971.jpg)
*le sigh*
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oooh, he's dreamy!
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I like the dude making the face better.
What does that say about me?
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Well he looks pretty cute too but I have not met him, so I cannot crush on him like I can crush on Argyle Boy.
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Nikki was like "I don't know man, is he hot? Cuz I can't help her hit on the dude if he's not hot" and I said "I GOT A PICTURE I GOT A PICTURE" and she said "haruahhsgh he IS hot. Tell her I approve". So, Liz, my roommate approves. She is hell of picky.
And Liz you're goin' dancing! If you dance with him, that should be pretty obvious I would think! Maybe?
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I've gone dancing with hella dudes that I'm not interested in. And I dance dirty. Dancing aint nothing but a thing.
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I think I've only danced with two boys. One was gay and the other was my best guy friend. I've also danced with many a girl.
I have had sex with none of these people.
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Liz, that guy in the middle looks eerily familiar.
Wait a minute, I think I've got it.
(http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y66/Spluff/screamdude.jpg)
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Oh my god that made me laugh so hard.
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No, most of us really are that dumb. The few times a girl has pursued me I haven't realized she was doing it until her friend told me to to stop being such a jackass and kiss the woman.
Reiterating this, 'cause it is true!
If you like a dude, let him know.
p.s. why would a girl send me a message all "hey dude are you out and about" and when I reply "yeah I'm at blah blah gig, what are you up to?" she's all "actually I'm just going home, see you another time."
What is up with that?
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Yeah, I suppose. I would've gone somewhere else if she'd asked, though. The gig wasn't very good, unfortunately. Ah well.
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It is because of your hideous deformity Nick, I'm sorry.
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:cry:
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Mission: Get Cute Boy.
FAILED.
He spent the whole night all up on a very cute little Asian girl. Oh well.
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Goddamn those half-Japanese girls.
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They do it to ya ev-er-y time.
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RE: guys being that dumb: yes, yes we are.
6 months ago, a friend of mine came to my birthday, very obviously flirted with me, and has hung out with me almost every week since, usually more then once a week. These days, just about everything I do is either "sweet" or "cute." We've both admitted to being attracted to each other, while keeping such feelings carefully in the past tense. We're both planning on going into ministry and two nights ago she told me I should read a book about 2 ministers who are married and how that relationship effects their ministry. And there's still this voice in my head that says "well, she probably doesn't really like me that much." This voice, stupid though it may be, gets louder and more insistent as my physical proximity to said woman increases.
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I'm considering asking my 'lady friend'/'girl I'm kinda dating'/'I have no fucking idea what to call us and I'd rather not stress about characterizing our relationship' on a double date to see a movie with my ex-girlfriend (who is my current best friend) and her boyfriend. Awkward, y/n?
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Uh, if you never mention you dated, then no. If she knows you're best friends with your ex, maybe. That's just me, though.
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She does know that I'm friends with my ex. I just don't know how awkward it would be and if it would be too much to ask of her.
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It really depends on the personalities involved. My instinct is to say you should be on more solid footing with your current friend before you do this. Once you get to where you can actually call her your girlfriend, I would ask her in such a way that it gives her the ability to say no without consequence. I wouldn't call it a double date. I would say something more like, "hey, my friend [ex] and her boyfriend have invited us out for [whatever]. Would you like to go?"
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OH THE REDHEAD SAID YOU SHRED THE CELLO
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AND I'M JELLO, BABY
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that is brilliant.
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Well it doesn't matter because it turns out she was heading out of town anyways. I'm a little worried because I got a little drunk and texted her saying that I miss her a little bit. I hope she doesn't get creeped out and think I'm moving too fast or anything (I'm 24 and she's 20, so I'm a little worried about this anyways). I think I down played it enough, but at the same time I have absolutely no self-confidence and I don't want to come off as some needy little bitch who can't live without her.
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I ASKED HER TO GO TO THE GREENDAY CONCERT
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SHE SAID SHE NEVER HEARD OF THEM
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I know!
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SO I WENT TO HER ROOM AND RED HER DIARRRRRRYYYYY
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So wait, its weird to tell people you miss them?
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Dependence and affection are unattractive.
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Only if you guys have never been close or if you parted on bad terms.
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So wait, its weird to tell people you miss them?
No. I tell my gf that every day. We live about 1000 miles apart and won't get to live near each other for at least another year.
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I tell it to my best friend who lives in Chicago, and rarely to a friend who I feel super close to(because I trust him), but I don't think he cares much for me. And then it is usually after a stressful night, and him basically calming down and stopping me from crying, and I feel better and am all "man. We should hang out sometime." I realize that at this point in the night, he'd rather not hang out, but I still say it.
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No, most of us really are that dumb. The few times a girl has pursued me I haven't realized she was doing it until her friend told me to to stop being such a jackass and kiss the woman.
Yeah, I've been in a situation like, 3 times (in a row) where a girl likes me and I don't realize it, until I mess things up with her.
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I wish I could get my head out of the sand.
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'cause I think we'd make a good team.
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And you would keep my fingernails clean.
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I'm worried about it because we really haven't spent that much time together and I don't want to come off as needy, overbearing or like I'm moving too fast.
Keep in mind that this is the first time I've actually pursued someone in 6 years, and I'm already prone to overthinking my actions. So essentially, I'm constantly seeing my actions as just another step towards sabotaging it.
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Well, have you heard back from her? If you are worried you are being too needy/on-strong, wait for a reply and don't text back for a little while. Be cool.
I have definitely been hanging after sending a 'miss you' text to someone when I was half thinking 'this text will probably make her not like me' and half thinking 'omygod she's so awesome and she put the moves on me'. It is a pretty shitty feeling but I guess it is just a drawback of a passive medium like sms.
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I mean
I THINK I'D BE GOOOOOOD FOR YOU
AND YOU
WOULD BE GOOOOOOD FOR MEEEEEE
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No, I haven't heard back from her. I think you're right, I'll just try to not think about it and give it a little time.
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Texting/e-mailing is great because it is passive and non-confrontational, but it has the problem that if the person does not reply you can't easily follow up without losing your shot at being cool. It is an awkward limbo, but there is not much you can do. Just act like it ain't no dick.
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HELLO
I'M HERE
I'M WAAAAIIIITINNNNNGGGG
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I guess I'll just have to put some Cure on and mope my day away
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WRONG CHOICE. GO OUT AND ENJOY THE SUNSHINE.
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(It's raining here)
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GO OUT AND ENJOY THE SUNSHINE.
THIS. I really want to do this, but no, I'm stuck at work for another 3 hours being bored and wondering why boy hasn't said anything. He had to cancel yesterday and said we'd do something this weekend, but as tomorrow is Easter, I think he means today.
I know why I prefer being single sometimes. I hate this "well, why not/what if/why why why" crap.
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GO OUT AND ENJOY THE SUNSHINE.
I work nights. Sometimes I miss the sunshine. :-(
Also, I've become very lazy at pursuing any sort of relationship. Until I don't work nights, its just not worth it. Nearly every other girl my age is not working overnight. They like to go out at night, not at like 3 in the afternoon, but not later than 10pm.
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There is a whole realm of girls in the hospitality industry who work at nights!
I just realised that sounds like I'm talking about prostitutes, but I was actually trying to refer to people who work at bars/clubs/restaurants.
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I haven't found any of them that are
a) close to my age, within 3 or 4 years
b) not already in a relationship
c) anywhere.
Remember guys, I live in a silly country that doesn't let adults into bars until they turn 21, so I can't go out and meet girls in bars, clubs (there is only one club that lets people under 21 in, and it is a terrible place that only plays rap songs that are 5 years old), and pretty much all restaurants other than Dennys and Waffle House close at 11pm where I live.
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Oh right! Sorry... I forget about your silly laws sometimes.
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Man clearly they were not thinking of you when they called it the 'land of opportunity'.
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I am really uncomfortably attracted to a friend of mine and my boyfriend's. We've always had a very fun friendship dynamic and he is super excited about the fact that the bf and I finally got together. However, I've been into him on and off since we met and to be honest, I really like his personality most. I think he's just a really nice, decent dude, under the somewhat pretentious, but not douchebaggy, exterior. What makes me like a bajillion times more uncomfortable about this is the fact that my boyfriend made a joke last night about "how cute" he and I would look together and I just was like "oh man, I have never thought of _____ in that way! That's so ridiculous!"
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Right now I feel like I am in a situation where I am that guy (albeit probably less pretentious). The bf, who is my best friend, is in Arizona for at least a year. The girl, who I'm also really close to, has told me to refuse her if she tries to jump my bones, but that is going to be really hard. I know I could keep that from happening, but I don't know if either of us wants to, and I really don't want to fuck up the unholy trinity that the three of us have.
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I wasn't really going to post this here but I guess in light of the last two posts I might as well.
Basically I slept with my best friend's girlfriend the other day. It was odd.
So I knew my friend had had open relationships before, but I wasn't sure if this one was open or not. It seemed like there had always been an attraction between her ladyfriend and I, and to cut out the details we had been drinking and were then making out. Shortly into that I was like 'uh hey um, so is this going to be OK with <your girlfriend/my good friend>' and she was like 'yes it will be OK I will talk to her tomorrow' which I took to mean it was OK. Apparently, the relationship was not actually open but due to some bizarre precedent some months ago she thought it would be OK. Also this women gave me all hells of an awful hickey.
Things seem to be OK now? Friend was upset but we had a long chat and I think things are OK. They are reasonable rational people and are sorting/have sorted their stuff out. I apologized for not checking with my friend first, I do not think she bears animosity my way now. I would hate to have messed things up for them but I think things will/have recover(ed).
I guess the point there is just to be clear with communication and comprehension of what the relationship situation is. Also if you think there may be problems avoid getting drunk together. I think the danger is not in getting so drunk that you'll get trashed and sleep together and only half-remember it and feel really awkward/weird about it, but that you'll drink enough that your brain will not apply rigorous reasoning and you will just think it is OK what could be wrong with this mmmm makeouts.
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That's fine and all, but how would you deal with dogged persistence from the other party?
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Maybe not hang out with them alone:/
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But that would suck!
Regardless, she's going to be living farther away for a couple of months to finish school and won't visit often, maybe she'll be able to think things through a little bit.
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If she is persistent and that is beyond the parameters of the relationship, I suppose you ought to tell her that that's some bullshit you can't deal with. That is probably some tough advice to follow up on though.
Saying 'don't let me jump your bones' and then making advances is a pretty shit move to make on a friend.
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Yeah it's kind of a sneaky way of making anything that happens your fault instead of hers, at least in her mind.
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She hasn't made any serious advances yet. But I can tell she's having a hard time of it. I'm hoping that she can work on that while she's away.
But you're both right, I will have to communicate this to her at some point, I'm just irrationally afraid of the possible reactions I might get.
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It is a weird situation. My fear would be saying 'look we can't fool around OK' and she'd just act like it wasn't anything serious and she was just joking and man why'd you have to get like that whatever I was only foolin', making you look like the silly lonely single guy with a distorted perspective and her the attached friend who's been unjustly accosted.
So I can see why a person would want to avoid that conversation (I certainly would have). Just keep your wits about you and carry around a picture of lemonparty in your pocket so you can look at it in case of emergency.
I mean I guess having it in your pocket won't do you any good if your pants are off, but I guess if it's hit that stage you're kind of fucked anyways.
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All that would do is make me laugh in what should be an awkward/serious moment. I'll hit up rotten.com and see if I can find that picture of the dude whose organs barely fit in his skin.
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Man OK now I really hope you're just mackin' it with that lady and start giggling and then she's like 'why are you laughing' and then you just whip out the lemonparty picture and then everything goes really quiet and she looks you in the eyes for a second and then looks away and you don't catch each others eyes directly again save a few awkward quick-glance-away moments and then she straightens her shirt and leaves without a word.
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Or gets an excited look in her eyes...
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Knowing her, she'd be all like "What is that? (pause) What the hell?! Where on earth do you find these things, Sean? Here, let me go put it on the fridge..."
That's an idea, actually. Whip these things out to distract her instead of myself.
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Hey, fuckers getting play, send those girls my way. I have been the guy that the girl has cheated on her boyfriend with at least 3 times. I am never phased, but usually I don't know the person, so I'm okay with it. Also, I am sometimes a terrible person.
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Congratulations. You're officially a member of G.O.D.S. (Guys On Di' Side).
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I mean, maybe I am a bad person, but I'm totally not above sleeping with a chick even if I know she has a boyfriend, fiancee, or husband. Like, unless he is my friend, what do I care if the girl is into me? I'm not going to actively go after girls who are taken, but if it happens, who am I to deny them? Its not like I'm constantly swimming in a sea of vag.
Eventually I'll have a relationship with a girl that lasts more than three months and I might figure out what is wrong with my above statement.
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We have a group on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/group.php?gid=7712627121&ref=ts).
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I've been in the "my best friends are in a relationship and there's a mutual attraction thing between me and one of them" situation before.
The first time it happened, I hooked up with the girl 2 weeks after she broke up with my best friend. That was weird for a while but it blew over when we decided that it wasn't worth the drama and we needed to stop ... but then a couple months later I lost my virginity to her (by then my male friend had found reasons to stop caring so much about it and we're all still really incredibly close 4+ years later). I handled that one really sloppily but I was still in high school at that point and it was the first time I'd been put in that situation and I feel like I could've done a lot worse.
It happened much more recently with a guy I went to Burning Man with and his girlfriend. We were going to dance parties together pretty often and I was consistently getting urges to dance with her in a really physical fashion ... also, me and her would have really long and involved conversations about things that were really important to us (and we explained to each other that there was mutual attraction, in private, fairly early on). It was a rather tense atmosphere for me at times and eventually I felt like I needed to get the issue out on the table as soon as possible. It really, really helped.
Based on this I think the best thing to do, if you're in a position of having a really serious crush on a good friend who is in a relationship with someone who is also your good friend, is to get the two of them together and tell them what's up. Basically you want to be as transparent as possible ... you want them to know the truth about how you feel about the person you're attracted to, but you also want them to know the truth about how you feel regarding your friendship with the two of them (specifically, that you'd like to keep it). If you reveal ALL your motivations to them, they can at least feel safe knowing that you're not trying to be manipulative, and optimally, as your friends, they'll understand what's going on and respond in a way that makes things easier for you somehow.
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Oh, I forgot...
Difficulty: the boyfriend (best friend) is in Arizona for at least a year, probably two.
In any case, I spent the night at her house last night. We got drunk, but we just had a good time, nothing happened. We put our feelings out in the open, so there's that. But it doesn't seem to have improved the situation. I'm fine with things for now (I've been single all my life, it's not gonna bother me that much to stay single a while longer), but she is now feeling more conflicted about this whole deal. To make things worse, her boyfriend, while drunk, decided to call and ask her about doing a threesome with another friend of ours again (which I have the privilege burden? position of knowing everything about, despite not being there). So she's now a little angry at him, for obvious reasons. He apologized and all, but she is having a really hard time coping with her feelings, and I am feeling slightly guilty about putting her in this position.
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Okay, so you guys are in your early twenties and he's moving away for like two years?
Okay, I'm generally pretty strict about relationships and stuff like that, but your friend is the one who needs to come here for advice and that advice is dump her fucking boyfriend. Unless they're outright engaged (Is she? I kind of stopped paying attention to my own thread, but you said boyfriend instead of fiance), she's pretty much wasting her youth right there. There's really no good reason this day and age to stick with someone 2,000 miles away unless you are absolutely, head over heels, take a bullet for them in love. This isn't even about the threesome thing, because it's a reasonably fair question, it's that she could be wasting a lot of time, that would be better spent enjoying herself, sitting talking on the phone with her boyfriend while not actually socializing.
I am loathe to say this, but I feel it would be completely acceptable on your part to make a move, BUT doing so might spoil your chances. If she continues to show interest in you while seeing problems pop up, ask her point blank if she plans to marry him. Don't add anything to it, just tell her it's something she should think on considering the imminent distance in their relationship. Best case scenario is that she gets the point and realizes it's a good one and you've got some nookie in the wings. Worst case scenario (For you) is that she decides she wants to and they elope and you're still single, which at least gets your mind off the idea and takes the potential guilt out of the equation.
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That's probably all moot, now. She just told him...I don't know how he reacted but I have a feeling it did not go well.
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.
Okay so I'm not implicated in this but this is still pretty much what we were trying to avoid. Fucking hormones.
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OK here's the deal with long distance.
There is a lot to be said for monogamy. However, one of the things about monogamy is that if you're going to hold someone responsible for not having sex with anyone but yourself, you need to hold yourself responsible for their sex drive or else you're putting them in an intractable position. If you're unable to hold yourself responsible for their sex drive, as is the case if you're 2,000 miles away from them, then you have to back off the whole monogamy thing for a while or else the two of you are going to end up in an unfortunate situation (either because they sleep with someone else and you feel wronged, or because they don't and their quality of life goes down and brings the relationship down with it to some degree. The exceptional case in which someone's quality of life does not diminish in the slightest from not having sex is relatively rare.)
If your friends want to stay on good terms, they're going to have to back off from monogamy a bit right now, basically no matter what. They're both horny people (read: young) and their quality of life is almost definitely being impacted by not having any sex. They have several choices:
-Lose touch gradually without ever "breaking up" and reconnect later when the opportunity arises (likely to lead to trouble but not the most terrible kind)
-"Break up" right now and decide not to keep in touch ("trouble" by definition, I suppose)
-Keep in touch, but try to stay monogamous (definitely going to cause stress, relationship is unlikely to survive)
-Keep in touch AND agree that it's OK if they see other people in their respective living situations (this requires less ego than they are likely to have, will probably cause some strife at some point, but is by far the most successful option if they pull it off.)
Now the whole thing about you being friends with both of them is a completely different can of worms, but either way, they should realize that they're going to have to experiment a bit with a looser relationship structure if they want to have one at all.
Since you've got ulterior motives, you might not be the best person to tell them all this, but maybe you can talk them into it, who knows?
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I would like some advice because I have no idea what to do about the situation.
My roommate (S) is also my cousin. Her and her twin sister (N) and I have been living together for about a year, and it's pretty good for the most part. Two months ago though, she got a boyfriend (T) who completely and totally sucks. Every time he comes over, he brings out the worst in me; I am judgmental about things I normally wouldn't give a shit about when he's around. (he's got a kid, he never graduated high school, works at a dollar store, he does drugs [normally I don't think I'd care but S uses it as an excuse for his assholery, and I didn't think X turned you into a lunatic, I thought it made you love everything])
He's a raging asshole. I'd understand maybe if it was to me or to my cousin who's not dating him, since he knows us and knows we don't like him, but for an example I'll tell you something he did to this own forum's Liz. We were at Women (the band) and afterward, Liz got their set list. T's friend M asks her if he can have it, she politely says no, sorry. T comes over and demands that Liz give his friend the set list because "he deserves it", Liz is like "um, sorry?" T says again "No really, you should give that set list to my friend because he deserves it more than you. He listens to them a LOT" Liz says, again, "No, sorry." and puts it in her back pocket. T grabs the list out of her pocket. Liz says "No really, please give that back." "Why, my friend DESERVES IT", replies T. Eventually he does give it back, after first crumpling it up. Okay, I know it's just a piece of paper but he didn't know her; he'd never met her before. He went and acted like a raging asshole for no reason to someone he's never met.
He has done many MANY other similar things. I'd love to just ignore them and hope they break up as soon as they can, but not only does she bring him over to the house constantly, but I'm pretty good friends with his band mate and in fact that's how he and S met, so I see T out at the bars sometimes. Friday night I found myself screaming at him about "I fucking know you're a douche bag, T, you don't have to keep proving it. I FUCKING GET IT"
S's parents know that N and I hate T. HATE HIM. They also know how S has lied to them in the past (a very major lie), but somehow S has convinced them (apparently) that N and I are jealous and that we both have a crush on T, when in fact we just hate him because he is a terrible terrible person. That's the part that makes me the most mad; is that she is straight lying to her parents about me specifically. It doesn't matter that I was with a dude I'd been with for a year and a half at the time I met her stupid boyfriend and beside the fact that I think he's totally unattractive (before I met him).
They have only been together two months and he has asked her to marry him. Luckily she said not yet. It has been two months and I feel like I am going crazy because of her stupid junior high style relationship (he is her first boyfriend).
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Double posting because I wanted to make it more clear that the things I am judgmental over are not things that I normally have any moral issue with. If he was a nice guy with a kid, I would probably think it's cute. But I think it's the fact that he's a jerk who works at a dollar store who probably doesn't pay much in child support which seems irresponsible but again, normally I don't think I'd care AS MUCH as I do.
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Oh right! Sorry... I forget about your silly laws sometimes.
This post is so much funnier if you imagine the bear saying it.
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Brittany, if your cousin says yes to that douche, just let me know. I will come over and knock some sense into her, and maybe give him a little pounding for good measure.
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-"Break up" right now and decide not to keep in touch ("trouble" by definition, I suppose)
This is what has more or less already happened, although I get the feeling it's not the last time they'll talk to each other.
-Keep in touch AND agree that it's OK if they see other people in their respective living situations (this requires less ego than they are likely to have, will probably cause some strife at some point, but is by far the most successful option if they pull it off.)
This is what she wanted at first, but he wouldn't have any of it. Which is odd for him. Several months before he left he would have been perfectly fine with this, they had broken up for all of two weeks earlier and he got over it quick (with yet another party whom everyone involved hates now), even though they did get back together. I think if she had waited a few more weeks to spring this on him, the initial homesickness wouldn't be so overbearing and he'd understand.
I want them to have at least a friendly relationship, but I don't know how to repair it or if it's even a good idea. I am also a little worried about him putting two and two together and being royally pissed off at me. I can't do anything about that, but I might be able to do the first part.
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All I would say is proceed with care. It sounds like there's a lot of important relationships tangled in this.
Your friendship with him is obviously in jeopardy. This is true whether you get involved with her or not. Because you already have feelings for her, because she's your friend, and because she's there and he's not, you're going to probably have a tendency to take her "side." If he's a good friend of yours, you probably owe it to him to be honest if anything happens. If anything does happen, make it clear that it didn't happen until after they broke up. If you still value his friendship, make sure you tell him so.
Your friendship with her is also in jeopardy. Your attraction to each other might be very real, but it might also not be wise to become her rebound if you want to have a continuing friendship. There's a danger that she might come to feel that you took advantage of a vulnerable time for her, or that you might come to feel that she used you to get over her boyfriend. This often happens at the end of rebound relationships, and that's natural, but it's not the kind of thing you usually want between friends.
If you are going to pursue her now that she is single, I think that could be very good and healthy. The strongest relationships of my life have all grown out of close friendships, and I think it's a wonderful place to start from. But go slowly and recognize that you might have to decide at some point whether the friendship is more important then the romantic relationship. You might also have to decide whether your friendship with him is more important then the romantic relationship.
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That basically sums up everything that's going through my mind right now. I see all the problems that could arise if I don't handle this correctly, so much so that I'm very nervous about moving forward in any direction. But everyone's responses have been a great help.
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jens whatever you do, please please please do not buy any books claiming they will teach you what women really want or how to get any lady you want and thus improve your confidence vastly. they offer horrible advice, and i am convinced that every guy who actually takes them seriously ends up turning into a huge dick.
honestly you'd be better off asking us internet people because some of us actually know what we're talking about. hobbies are good. having them implies you are interesting and independent and that's an attractive quality.
Various months later, (okay maybe two), I skim through the first page and find this very agreeable.
Those books (especially, especially e-books about how girls size you up in the first 5 minutes of talking to you, look to see if your belt and shoes don't match, eye you up and down and make a judgement about you in 3 seconds the moment you walk in the door), actually end up lowering your confidence at times. They give you a lot to fear. They suck you in with some enticing advertisements that attack, if not do the worse thing and CREATE, insecurities, claim that you're missing out on a lot of secrets that women keep in "the game", and how you will end up being cheated on if you do not BUYYYYYY their material.
If you're into getting laid and trying to get some action, it may work. But if you're a romantic and want a long lasting relationship with someone you can get close to, develop an understanding with, and overall just attach to overtime, it's.... not your best option.
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If any internet lady is willing to contribute her thoughts, I could totally subscribe to this.
Every time I naively think I have this even a little figured out, I get my deserved reality slap in the face.
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Hey thread,
So, I have decided to break up with my girlfriend. What I need is advice on when to do this, see, she is in kind of an iffy place right now already; her grandmother is dying, and she's busy with a play she's choreographing and such. Basically, I'm trying not to be a dick and drop this on her along with everything else, but am I leading her on by waiting until things are a little less hectic? Should I just get it over with?
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I mean honestly, breaking up is breaking up. Often you will be a dick and be dropping this on her along with everything else. You just have to accept that if you're unhappy enough to consider a break-up.
As a general rule, don't be a martyr. Selflessness is a great quality but too often in relationships people martyr themselves under the guise of selflessness (and they may even be convinced that their intentions are pure) but really they just expect something back or enjoy feeling like the better person. It's a needy, emotionally unstable thing to do. I understand your need to "protect" her, but essentially you're just protecting her from you breaking up with her later, when she's more attached to you. This will only cause you both more pain in the long run.
If she's genuinely unstable right now and you think your breaking up with her could traumatize her or cause irreparable emotional or physical harm, tread carefully. If you're just afraid of doing it, take the plunge and don't look back.
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I feel I have to add on to Gene's point. If you wait until things settle down for her, it's going to make it so much worse later. If you stick with her through this trying time, she's probably going to only develop deeper feelings for you. It's going to feel like an incredibly selfish thing to do, but it'll only hurt worse later.
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Every time I naively think I have this even a little figured out, I get my deserved reality slap in the face.
I'm not an internet lady but I can tell you how I go about it. Women are just human beings. They have wants, desires, doubts, fears, just like you. Treat them with kindness and respect, and you will usually make a friend. And I have found that a relationship based on a friendship usually lasts longer and is more meaningful than just chasing a girl that you find attractive.
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Continuing on the 'dump her now' trend, the people I've known in this situation before aren't always concerned about being nice to this person but about being a good person, which I often read in them to mean 'I'll feel bad if I do this now' and not 'it is the clearly morally superior option to stick through this for now'. Also they have been afraid of confrontation.
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Fear of confrontation is a pretty big part of the thought process of someone who is considering breaking up with their partner.
Last year, after breaking off an intense, long-term relationship, I innocently rebounded with a nice girl. After a few weeks, I began to realize my mistake and I felt anxious and trapped and unwilling. Still, it took so much convincing from people who know me best to finally get me do it. I would have taken any excuse to avoid having to break up with someone again so soon. It's incredibly emotionally draining.
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In my early goings, I was always the dumpee or a it was a mutual thing, I technically never dumped anyone until I was nineteen. Unfortunately, the first girl I ever came to the conclusion I didn't want to be with her was sixteen (Yes, I was creepy McCreepshow just like Patrick), and that made it doubly hard. This girl was, by her understanding, head over heels in love with me. I was very aware that I was not, however, in love with her. I should've broken up with her the second she said it. Instead, I put it off for weeks as she grew more and more attached and started getting really creepy and stepping over many lines (Like trying to co-opt traditions I had with an ex she knew I wasn't entirely over) toward my birthday. When I finally broke up with her, she committed herself and then started calling me at work daily threatening to kill herself as soon as she got out. Note, not much was seriously wrong with her; she was just an insane and slightly unbalanced drama queen.
This all would've been avoided had I actually done the sensible thing and NOT continued dating someone I knew I wasn't that into, but was clearly into me.
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Well shit Jon don't scare the guy.
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Scared straight, yo.
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Every time I naively think I have this even a little figured out, I get my deserved reality slap in the face.
I'm not an internet lady but I can tell you how I go about it. Women are just human beings. They have wants, desires, doubts, fears, just like you. Treat them with kindness and respect, and you will usually make a friend. And I have found that a relationship based on a friendship usually lasts longer and is more meaningful than just chasing a girl that you find attractive.
There is an important thing that a lot of guys I know in real life don't remember.
Women are actual people, not just a couple wet holes to put your dick in. This is something that eludes quite a few males.
Now, this isn't to say that you can't hook up with someone. I am in a situation where I find a woman attractive physically, but I don't really like her political views, choices she made in the past, and her general thought on racism (she is a bit racist), but she's really fuckin hot, and she finds me attractive too.
A relationship would not work between us, but both of us like sex.
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There is an important thing that a lot of guys I know in real life don't remember.
Women are actual people, not just a couple wet holes to put your dick in.
I think it goes both ways, you have to treat women like equals. Which means you can't treat them like wet holes, but you also can't sit there and worship them and jump at their every whim, thats probably the quickest way to get them to lose interest.
Also, being a gentlemen should be standard, not just to her but to all the girls in your life. When the one you're trying to impress sees how you treat others, she knows how good you will treat her.
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Yeah, I try to be a pretty nice guy to everyone that I meet. Guys, lets just watch this video: Just a Nice Guy. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZrnK-qPARYI&feature=PlayList&p=30553DA912FF3742&index=0&playnext=1) It pretty much explains shit.
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Ahh, WongFu Productions.
I saw that 3-part series vid a while ago.
I don't think it's too ACCURATE, but it is still nice to watch.
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I tried to watch that video but then my eyes started rolling at such a high speed they made a high pitched whirring noise.
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Also, being a gentlemen should be standard, not just to her but to all the girls in your life. When the one you're trying to impress sees how you treat others, she knows how good you will treat her.
You have to be careful with this. It really depends on the woman and on what you mean by being a gentlemen. Plenty of the women I know do not want to have doors held for them when they are perfectly capable of opening the door for themselves. My girlfriend (I guess I can actually call her that now) is happy if I pay for dinner, but only if I agree that she pays next time. A lot of the classic "gentlemanly" things grew out of a time when women were regarded as week and in need of protection. Many women are very aware of that and prefer to be approached on a more equal footing.
Now, if all your talking about it etiquette and courtesy, then you should be showing that to everyone regardless of what's between their legs.
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I tried to watch that video but then my eyes started rolling at such a high speed they made a high pitched whirring noise.
I struggled through until he was to much of a prat to say no to his friend having just been asked out - seriously anyone who is that nice a person should be removed from the gene pool for their lack of killer instinct.
I have on multiple occasions been branded a "Nice Guy." This makes absolutely no sense to me as I have also been declared to be (not by the same people) a 'serial flirt' - a title I take somewhat more pride in than the former. I Also have a more gutter prone mind than anyone I know. Admittedly to an extent I still believe in chivalry and am a romantic in the sense that I don't do one night stands or meaningless sex. I wouldn't have thought that these ingredients all mixed together result in a Nice Guy but apparently....
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The problem with being "nice" is that its too often mistaken for "boring". People don't want to be bored (for the most part) and so try and go with someone who seems interesting and exciting. Usually these are "bad boys" who are anything except boring, they usually have charisma, and are usually at least slightly fun to look at. "Nice" does not bring to mind excitement, or fun or even intimacy, it simply implies doiles and wet afternoons spent with distant relatives where everyone goes 'well... isn't this nice'. The worse problem is that people who try and cultivate the image of the nice guy, being polite and considerate whilst deep down being scared and lonely and desperate for some sort of validiction of there sad lonely lives.
Thats not to say bad boys are any better (they are frequently worse) but its just to give a brief idea of why being nice isn't always a good thing.
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Being nice is virtually always a good thing. It's just that as you say being nice isn't enough all on its own. Too many idiots seem to think that being nice in and of itself entitles them to ladies. Sorry, but all other things things being equal, people are going to go with the person who is also successful, engaging and has interesting things going on in their life. Keep in mind that I'm not just defining "successful" as "having money" here, I'm defining it more as the ability to make goals and achieve them. Even if your goal is backpacking across the country and meeting new people despite being flat broke, it will still make you far more interesting than a guy who is just kinda aimless but "pretty nice." My success with ladies is pretty much directly proportional to how much energy and passion I have for the things I have going on in my life in general. It's great to be nice, but it shouldn't be the only damned thing on your dating resume.
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Also, and it's amazing how often this has to be pointed out, being nice in order to get girls isn't really being nice.
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I like nice boys who are sarcastic. It's like being a bad boy minus the bit where they're an asshole.
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how bout a boy that generally a bad boy but is nice pretty much only to you?
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That's just worse! I'd rather have a bad boy who is a bad boy to everyone than having to constantly justify bad boy's actions. I get really uncomfortable when people are jerks to people I like, but I don't care if it's to me.
(having said that, I do like nice boys because I don't think they're boring and also sometimes they'll randomly give you an awesome record because you casually mentioned it once, that is way better than a bad boy)
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As far as I can see it, the most common form of "nice guy" syndrome tends to revolve around how transparent a guy is with his expression of sexual desire. On the one hand we have the "jerks" who are always making their sexual desire the most prominent aspect of their interaction (and the motivation behind their actions), and they are "jerks" because they sacrifice respect for women in the name of getting laid. On the other, we have "nice guys" who are rarely making their sexual desires known in interactions with women, and tend to bristle at the idea that sex is a prime motivation behind their actions, and they consider themselves "nice" because they sacrifice their own sexual expression in the name of respecting women.
The problem is that there is nothing inherently polite or respectful about hiding the fact that you want to have sex with someone. Obviously it is rather rude in most cases to reveal and express sexual desire whenever you experience it, but there is nothing disrespectful about having sexually-charged intentions in a friendship. And if you want to connect to someone you know on a sexual level, the best way to do it is to reveal that desire to them in a respectful fashion (instead of sitting on it and hoping they'll pick up on it and make some kind of move on you before you break down and give them a long and involved explanation of your feelings that makes you look significantly more pathetic and preoccupied than you probably really are as a person).
"Nice guys," as I understand the term, are guys who assume that "respecting women" means holding back their sexual desires and offering emotional support at every opportunity. It's a terrible curse, really, and one that any sensible man should divest himself of rapidly.
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I don't see it that way. I see nice guys as guys who are just outwardly polite, think of others, and are generally awesome. I know nice guys who are still verbal about their sexuality, but they aren't condescending, creepy, etc. about it. Basically the ones who make you uncomfortable about sex are not nice, but you can still be a nice guy and talk about sex.
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See, here is the thing. If someone you aren't attracted to, but is a nice guy, brings up the fact that he wants to have sex with you... isn't that creepy? especially if you consider him just a friend?
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It depends; I'd want them to be honest about it right away, but in an "I like you" as opposed to "I'd like to fuck you" kind of way.
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See, here is the thing. If someone you aren't attracted to, but is a nice guy, brings up the fact that he wants to have sex with you... isn't that creepy? especially if you consider him just a friend?
Only if you don't like the idea of saying no to someone you don't want to say yes to. If you're OK with saying no, you just say "thanks but no thanks" and continue on being as comfortable as you were earlier.
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You have to be careful with this. It really depends on the woman and on what you mean by being a gentlemen. Plenty of the women I know do not want to have doors held for them when they are perfectly capable of opening the door for themselves. My girlfriend (I guess I can actually call her that now) is happy if I pay for dinner, but only if I agree that she pays next time. A lot of the classic "gentlemanly" things grew out of a time when women were regarded as week and in need of protection. Many women are very aware of that and prefer to be approached on a more equal footing.
Now, if all your talking about it etiquette and courtesy, then you should be showing that to everyone regardless of what's between their legs.
See, I hold a door open for anyone just behind me no matter what sex they are. Letting a door close in someone's face is rude.
Also, I don't tend to let my female friends walk home alone through dodgy parts of the city if I can help it. Not sure if this would be considered a sexist thing, but I'm not about to stop doing it.
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Hey, I am dating a nice boy and it is going okay!
Except he does not know how to dress himself, really.
Point being: nice boys can be nice, but also smart, funny, charming, sexy, interesting, and sweet. And plenty of other adjectives aside from nice. Actually, all I have concluded from this little tangent you boys are having is that you don't mind being nice, it is just the label that throws you a bit.
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Also, I find most bad boys are basically totally vapid and/or totally bourgeois. I dunno what most girls are into, but I generally try to avoid both.
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I really do think it just comes down to people trying to save face by disparaging those who dump them. I've seen guys blame women for being dumb and only going after rich abusive assholes and I've seen women blame men for being stupid superficial pigs. Once or twice it's been fairly accurate but most of the time it's just people going abla bla bloo when it turned out the connection wasn't as strong as they thought it was. Most of the time "Nice" just happens to be an innocent bystander that gets trotted out when the dumper tries to let the dumpee down easy. I'd like to start a clarity in dumping initiative, but I don't think the girl I'm rapidly losing interest in would take "You're taking the fun out of sex" and "You're the most stubborn person I have ever dated" very well. I hate to say it, but it sounds like the conversation will start like this: "You're a nice person but..."
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The last time I broke up with a girl I told her it was entirely because I had unwittingly rebounded and just wasn't ready to be in a relationship again without feeling anxious and trapped. In reality this was about 45% of the reason I broke up with her, the other 55% being that she was insufferably shallow, frustratingly boring, and had very little to offer as far as intellectual and emotional stimulation goes. There was also very little in the way of romance and the sex was not very good.
It's been seven months and she is still clinging on hoping that someday I'll be ready to get back together with her (I broke up with her twice; the first time she convinced me to give it another chance after a single day and I, being completely emotionally drained at the time, agreed). Next time, I think I'm just going to tell the truth.
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So, I'm not a nice guy because I want to get laid. I'm a nice guy because it's the right thing to do.
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Do you see the obvious mistake you made, Gene?
Never, ever, ever, EVER use "I was rebounding and I'm not ready for a relationship" as your given rationale for breaking up with someone. It will lead the other individual to think "well, maybe given time they'll come around." You need to be vaguely gentle, but honest and forthright about the fact it's not going to work out and leave the "rebound" out of it entirely. I've both held this mentality and dealt with a girl developing this mentality in my life and it's not pretty on either end. I mean, sure, you're making it relatively amicable sometimes, but most instances where it ends up amicable eventually becomes a situation where you're leaving someone hanging on to a false hope.
Note that being upfront about not being ready for a relationship IS something you should do if you actually like someone. I told Rachel right off the bat I wasn't ready, though it was months before I told her why, but I have to assume the fact I gave her modest expectations didn't hurt matters much all things considered. You just can't use it as a rationale for letting someone down easy, as it almost never works.
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I mean, it was true. I couldn't go outside and see pretty people without thinking "oh shit I am missing out". It had been barely a month since I broke up with my last girlfriend (a relationship that had lasted 9 months) and I was upfront with this new girl that I wasn't ready for a serious commitment. And yet, somehow, out of some stupid sense of altruism, I agreed to a relationship anyway.
Suffice it to say, I learned a lot of lessons in a short period of time last fall.
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Man, fuck you guys and your long term relationships.
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I don't see it that way. I see nice guys as guys who are just outwardly polite, think of others, and are generally awesome. I know nice guys who are still verbal about their sexuality, but they aren't condescending, creepy, etc. about it. Basically the ones who make you uncomfortable about sex are not nice, but you can still be a nice guy and talk about sex.
This is probably because sarcasm and candidness is charming. If a person feels comfortable enough to talk to you in a way they want to, but at the same time a way that is friendly and clever, then you naturally warm up to them because it seems like knowing them is easy. No one likes an asshole, but a nice dick always seems to be welcome from what I can see.
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but a nice dick always seems to be welcome from what I can see.
I think you want the sexual frustration thread.
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So, I broke up with the girl. It was awkward and shitty, and she didn't take it very well, but that was pretty much inevitable. Thanks for the counsel, relationship thread.
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Just wondering, how can you tell if a relationship has the potential for a sexual element? As in are there common signs or is it just something you know, because apparently people have been attracted to me in the before now but I have completly missed it, and its getting more and more common, any advice guys?
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stick it in her pooper 8-)
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Just wondering, how can you tell if a relationship has the potential for a sexual element?
When she lets you stick your dick in her.
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Yeah it is kind of difficult to figure out when someone is interested in you. This used to be a massive source of stress in my life until I assumed some measure of worth in myself (like, not trying to dig at anybody with low self esteem, I used to have absolute shit self-image and assumed no one liked me is all) and then it became all kinds of fun and interesting trying to figure out and flirting/chatting with people and if someone is not into you then whatever, that is life, and you are not a bad person for assuming that someone might be in to you.
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I like nice boys who are sarcastic. It's like being a bad boy minus the bit where they're an asshole.
Oh that's nice.
how bout a boy that generally a bad boy but is nice pretty much only to you?
Dan Savage wrote about this yesterday!
people who are romantically involved with assholes come in for a higher degree of scrutiny. A person with an asshole friend is regarded as tolerant and/or indulgent and/or foolish. But a person with an asshole boyfriend is viewed as having a character flaw. Or several: lousy taste in men, the wrong kind of masochistic streak, low self-esteem, abuse issues, etc.
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Basically the ones who make you uncomfortable about sex are not nice, but you can still be a nice guy and talk about sex.
There's a huge difference between making an awkward situation between someone you consider attractive or you actually like, and a person who almost deserves it, whether it's in the form of a friendly joke or obscurely telling someone to fuck off; while this is self explanotory, but I do ocassionaly fuck, in a verbal sense, with people who are so oblivious to sex. As cliché as it is, you know at least one person who's just clueless and shy. In my case, there's a girl who's still prude, I make a habit of asking her things I normally don't ask girls, but she laughs and punches me. I suppose it's different when you're older though.
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Hey guys, I need your help again! :| So despite all the advice I received a couple pages back about dropping the emotionally unavailable dude I've been "seeing" for over a year, I continued to do so anyway against better judgment. Even though he's made it clear that he doesn't want a relationship, we still enjoy each other's company... so I have the feeling that we're both using each other out of convenience.
I still beat myself up because I think I handled confronting him about our relationship improperly. I tried my hardest to avoid using the words "We have to talk..." or bringing up "the talk" while drunk and emotional, but I did both. It is also difficult to move on even though I have options (being single or pursuing this new guy I met recently) because I'm selfish/cowardly. I hate to see him go, but I'm also aware that I'm missing out by sticking around.
So I've been hanging out with this new guy (who I met, ironically enough, off the internets!), and I feel guilty about being attracted to him, since I'm still technically with the old guy. Also, it's a longshot to say that things would work out any differently with a new guy... should I even be considering it? Cheating is not an option for me EVER, even if the guy I'm seeing is a bum. A female friend of mine suggested that I go ahead and makeout with the new guy and ask questions later, but that doesn't sound like a fantastic idea to me... :-P. What's the advice for me, guys?
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Wait. What?
Aren't you the girl who was dicking around with a dude, but he wasn't emotionally there, and you guys weren't actually dating, thus the need to have "the talk"?
You aren't technically with anyone, darling. You are technically single.
So go make out with this dude! And ditch the emotionally unavailable dude.
(But don't really just start making out with the new guy. Start off slow, and let him know you are interested, but not by saying "I want to sleep with you and hope you will like me and be emotionally available to me." Infact, build up a decent emotional relationship, then fuck him.*)
*this is my take on relationships lately. I've been wanting to try it(as opposed to fucking everything and seeing what stays around), and see if it works. Is this doing it right?
Also, recently I went to a show with a dude. Dude was rude and annoying and ditched me after the first band. Now dude won't stop texting me. All weekend he texted me. I responded to maybe two with really short one word answers. He keeps texting me today. I've resonded to one. He just sent me another saying that he was eating. WTF I do not care if you are eating! How do I get rid of this dude with out pissing him off?
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kill him?
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Tell him straight up that he was rude, annoying, and you're not interested in seeing him again?
why do people think this is complicated
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Stop worrying. Just do what you want to, and be clear about what you are doing with who you are doing it with.
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How do I get rid of this dude with out pissing him off?
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See someone else.
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Lise, this guy is obviously bringing you down, so just cut him off. You may enjoy his company when you're with him, but it's not really fair to you. And if you're feeling things for new guy, go for it. I agree with Emaline, technically, I don't see how you're in a relationship with dude-that-is-a-drag.
Emaline - Ask him why he ditched you and now sees the reason to tell you every little thing about his life.
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Emaline- What are the risks involved in pissing him off? Is he a particularly easily angered person?
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Lise, just tell emotionally unavailable guy that you've enjoyed your time together but you're looking for a committed, emotional relationship, which isn't something he wants. Then go ask the new guy out. If the new guy also turns out to be emotionally unavailable, you've got to ask yourself why you're drawn to men that can't give you what you want out of a relationship.
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I am drawn to emotionally unavailable men because they don't add more drama to my life, and are there to scold me for being childish. These are things I like.
But I also don't mind just fucking a dude.
Anyway, I don't want to piss him off because, other than ditching me, he seemed like he really liked me and I don't want to hurt him,and I know what its like to really like someone who doesn't care for you, and for them to be blunt with you. It really stings. So, because I am pretty fucked up, I would rather not hurt the dude and just make him go away.
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Ok, so you are more trying not to hurt him than not piss him off. Just be friends speech time?
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i'd rather get a kick in the balls and a slap in the face than the fucking friends speech.
maybe that's just me though, i don't know.
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Seriously? I feel like it would be better to know that she is just not interested in you that way but thinks you're an alright dude instead of getting violently rejected and leaving you wondering what on earth you managed to do to deserve that.
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I would much rather get the friend speech than to be kicked in the crotch. Being kicked in the crotch has to be one of the more atrocious pains I have experienced in my life. I appreciate hyperbole and all, but no. Just no. I would not associate having someone I went on a date thing with once explaining that it didn't really suit their fancy with stabbing and radiating agony in my testicles. On that note, I would skip the friends thing, and just say you're not interested. That is it. Done.
Seriously, there is a whole lot of pussyfooting around shit in this threat, and it is almost always more effective to be direct about shit.
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Seriously? I feel like it would be better to know that she is just not interested in you that way but thinks you're an alright dude instead of getting violently rejected and leaving you wondering what on earth you managed to do to deserve that.
well, when literally every single girl you have ever expressed interest in in your entire life (believe it or not, this is not hyperbole) has given you the friend speech, it gets to the point where you would prefer almost anything over hearing that shit again.
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THIS THREAD IS HEREBY ON NOTICE
I have been informed that the quality of posts in this thread are lacking. Put some thought into your posts or this thread is goin' bye bye.
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Seriously? I feel like it would be better to know that she is just not interested in you that way but thinks you're an alright dude instead of getting violently rejected and leaving you wondering what on earth you managed to do to deserve that.
well, when literally every single girl you have ever expressed interest in in your entire life (believe it or not, this is not hyperbole) has given you the friend speech, it gets to the point where you would prefer almost anything over hearing that shit again.
Yeah, the friend speech can feel pretty fuckin' awful if you've had it a few times. Not saying it's a bad thing on principle, I mean, it's a bad situation flat-out, but that friend speech is pretty damn infuriatin' you need more than half the fingers of one hand to count how many times it's happened.
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I have to say that never occurred to me... I've only had to give the just friends speech once, now I'm hoping he wouldn't have preferred a kick in the nuts.
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Don't worry about it; really it's a messy situation when one party is interested and the other isn't and there's no clean way to get away from it. Just because someone would rather a kick in the nuts doesn't mean they'd enjoy it.
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Honestly he really deserved the nut kick- he had started sending me phone pictures of his erect dick and I barely knew him.
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See that is not 'just friends' talk that is 'just WAIT WHAT DUUUUUDE LIKE WHOA DON'T FUCKIN' DO THAT SHIT MAN' talk.
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That's around the point where I'd try to cut off all contact and talking entirely.
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That is a terrible use of the 'just friends' talk.
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I was not trying to make an enemy of someone creepy enough to send dickpix!
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Relationship thread, it's just not working out. I mean, you're going to be locked soon, and I've got a lot going on in my life right now. Plus, I've met someone else. She's really cool. I think you'd like her. But I still really value our friendship, and I totally want to keep in touch. Well I guess that's all I have to say for now relationship thread. I'm really sorry about this, and I really do want to try to be friends. I've got to go now because I'm meeting that other girl for coffee.
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hey, I kinda like this really sweet and cute girl in my class. I'm a shyguy and she's kinda crazy (hanners is barely an exageration.) We're going to the same college next year and she'll have an appartment near mine. We're already good friends and all. what should I do? she already gave me a few just friends hints when we started as friends but that was almost two years ago. (Hey, at least I'm not asking /b/ what to do)
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Ask her out.
On a date.
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I'm a shyguy
Wait.... like the character from Mario?
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I was not trying to make an enemy of someone creepy enough to send dickpix!
Yeah, agreed. Honesty is great and all, but sometimes you just need to worry about escaping the crazy person.
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Honestly he really deserved the nut kick- he had started sending me phone pictures of his erect dick and I barely knew him.
hold on hold on, i'm writing this down, no dick pics to girls you don't know? as a rule of thumb, how long should a guy wait to send dick pics? after the first date too soon?
Back on topic though, the "lets just be friends" speech is a great way to lose a friend. It leaves a guy wondering what the real reason is that you don't like him. Its better to be honest and say "i don't want to date you because i don't have any feelings for you and don't find you attractive." At least then he won't resent you for a perceived lie.
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Sometimes, that isn't true though.
Sometimes, I am super attracted to someone, but the chemistry isn't there, so I don't feel anything thing other than friendly feelings towards them. Sometimes, I am very attracted to someone's personallity, but am otherwise shallow and don't want to date them. Sometimes, I am attracted to someone both physically and mentally, but don't want to date them. Sometimes, people are just better off as friends.
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I think that's true and so you should use the real reason, the one that's more specific than "lets just be friends" (which, to be honest, isn't even a reason really). I think it's also true that just saying you want to be friends and nothing more can in fact lead to resentment and misunderstandings and such. Probably best to be a bit more specific if you actually intend to stay friends with the person.
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Once upon a time I was fooling around with two guys. I wanted to date them both. Guy A told me he was only interested in me as a friend, and never gave me a real reason as to why. Guy B told me that he wanted to stay friends because I was too fat for him. Guess which one I am still friends with and talk to everyday. I consider him one of my best friends ever.
Guy A. I spent an hour crying about it, then realized he was a really good friend and there for me and I should be happy with that. And I am.
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Moral of the story: while the truth is usually the right option, some people don't have the emotional fortitude to handle it.
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The only time I ever gave the friend speech was to a friend who decided I was a good rebound and I was all hell no. He's still my friend and happily involved with someone else and I am still chronically single.
SEE, I COULD HAVE HAD KISSES BUT NOOOOOOOOOO.
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hold on hold on, i'm writing this down, no dick pics to girls you don't know? as a rule of thumb, how long should a guy wait to send dick pics? after the first date too soon?
So no dick pics to girls you don't know, also no 2AM drunk texts that say "i want to pound your pussy until 5 am" because that makes girls who were your friend before not want to be your friend ever again. So um, at least I get to avoid the friend talk and just go straight to "You need to stop texting me really gross things" or maybe "you turn me completely off" or "wow dude that is pretty creepy and weird!" and probably "I will not ever change my mind, I will not ever sleep with you and honestly you are seriously weirding me out"
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"i want to pound your pussy until 5 am"
"no, I meant your cat, it peed all over my sweater. This was my favorite sweater."
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My cat peed on my boyfriend's sweater a couple of months ago.
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Lunchy your cat pees on anything that stays still for long enough.
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My cat peed on my boyfriend's sweater a couple of months ago.
did he want to pound your pussy until 5am?
Oh hey thread,
So this girl wants to do things with me and I want to do things with her, I've never really had a casual friend that was mature enough to do this sort of thing. I don't really know how to handle it and stuff. How should I handle something like this?
Edit: okay there, now it is a question. This is technically a relationship, if a very open ended one.
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Man, that is not asking for advice. That is just blogging. We have a blog thread. This is not the blog thread.
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Ok, one thing are you people saying "well, technically we are in a relationship, but its open" need to realize is that technically you are delusional, because technically you aren't technically in a relationship unless technically you've had "The Talk."
Fucking someone and being friends with them is not a relationship. This is a friendship, which includes "benefits." Often called a "friend with benefits," or a "FWB". This is what anyone is/has with someone who they are friends with, and are also fucking around with until you have "the talk," or it gets moderately(and I use this term lightly) serious, and you guys have started exclusively seeing each other, without having "the talk."
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Uh, wrong.
There are no set categories. Emotions are kind of.... fluid? I have been in relationships where nothing was ever said to specify it. It just became what it was. Forcing terms on shit is one surefire way to fuck things up if you do it too early.
Once one gets past high school, terms like this should hold less weight, until both partners are looking for a set monogamous relationship and feel like it is not clear as is.
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or it gets moderately(and I use this term lightly) serious, and you guys have started exclusively seeing each other, without having "the talk."
God fucking damn it people, reading comprehension. Taught in grade school.
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you are delusional, because technically you aren't technically in a relationship unless technically you've had "The Talk."
Fucking someone and being friends with them is not a relationship.
These things are wrong. The rest of your post does not change that. If you think there's truth in those statements, you're either talking without experience or you need to find out what certain words mean before you use them.
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The first statement isn't wrong because it is explained further in my post. Yes, "the talk" is not necessary, as I said later in my post.
And maybe if you guys could not take every single thing at face value, you'd get the second statement. Fucking a friend is a relationship, but I'm pretty sure its not the type of relationship these people want. If you sleep with someone, it doesn't make them your boyfriend or girlfriend.
What is pissing me off so much is that I have been in these sort of situations. Its awkward for all parties(parties meaning the people involved. Not actual parties. Grasp that?). I was madly inlove with a dude I was fucking around with, who I hung out with often. I wanted something more, he did not. Saying that we were anything more was extremely awkward and made both of us uncomfortable. This continued for a year. We were never in a typical relationship. We were technically fucking around.
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Basically, don't assume you are dating someone, especially when they have said they want something casual or are emotionally unavailable, because not only will you feel and look dumb, but you will get your heart broken.
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The word "technically" has now lost all meaning to me. Luckily I do not use this in everyday conversation so I should be good by tomorrow but still.
Guys why is it bothering me that I am so attracted to this girl I work with? I am attracted to people all the time but they do not usually occupy my mind this much. Damnit Work Girl, stop being so alluring with your looks and your glowing personality and your incessant flirting!
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I'm sorry, I don't speak English as well as you do.
There's often a huge difference between what you say and what you mean, Emaline. You were quite right when you said that people asking for advice here are not after casual sex. But that isn't what you were called out on. You were quoted on something, and the explanations you offered alongside them were not sufficient enough to change the meaning of what you said, no matter how many times you insert the word 'technically'. When you're posting on a forum, make it clear which party you're from, or you will find people dispute what you say, even if they may share your opinion.
You can pretend that relationships have to be defined in a certain way in order to be considered a relationship, but I will not be party to that.
I'm sorry to hear that you were in a shitty relationship with that guy, because no matter how you want to dress it, that is what is was. A relationship. I understand that shitty relationships are both awkward and uncomfortable, especially if people at parties ask the nature of them.
"What is your relationship with eachother?"
"There is no relationship. We're just fucking eachother and one of us has really strong feelings for that other that are not being returned."
Sounds like a relationship to me.
Edit:
Basically, don't assume you are dating someone, especially when they have said they want something casual or are emotionally unavailable, because not only will you feel and look dumb, but you will get your heart broken.
Nobody has disputed this. However, I think the word "dating" might not mean what you think it means.
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Obviously you are not grasping what I am saying.
The word "technically" was used, I don't want to say sarcastically, but basically to poke fun at everyone saying that are "technically" dating smeone.
I wasn't not in a typical boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with that guy. I was not dating him. We did not go out on dates, and he was never my boyfriend. He was my friend that I screwed around with. This is not a typical boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. It was a friends with benefits relationship.
Typically, when someone says "relationship," they mean a boyfriend/girlfriend type thing. The same goes for dating. Dating does however often mean going out on dates with people. People as in the pluralised version of the word person.
Often, when people say one word in a sentence, the other words surrounding it, what the person is saying, how they are saying it, and how the word is beng used, will help you understand the meaning of the word. This is called comprehension.
I was saying that you cannot meet someone, fuck around with them, and then assume that you guys are a couple(boyfriend/girlfriend). You cannot assume some guy that you have sex with regularly, who has made it clear that his emotions are not involved is your boyfriend.
Casual sex does not equal boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, and rarely equals dating.
I was telling you all this so you would learn and not get your hopes up about the people you are having sex with, but obviously that is not going to happen since you all don't seem to be able to grasp basic reading skills. So, Girl With The Emotionally Unavailable Guy, you better not move on to that nice dude who you are interested in since you are obviously still that emotionally challenged dude's girlfriend, even though he probably doesn't know it! Pants, well, honetly man, I don't know what you are seeking advice for. It seems like things are alright for you.
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I'm sorry, I don't speak English as well as you do.
There's often a huge difference between what you say and what you mean, Emaline. You were quite right when you said that people asking for advice here are not after casual sex. But that isn't what you were called out on. You were quoted on something, and the explanations you offered alongside them were not sufficient enough to change the meaning of what you said, no matter how many times you insert the word 'technically'. When you're posting on a forum, make it clear which party you're from, or you will find people dispute what you say, even if they may share your opinion.
I do not think you are getting this.
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I honestly don't think you are getting it.
If you don't think I'm getting it, why not explain it differently?
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Because there's supposedly nothing wrong with your reading comprehension skills.
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Sox, she's pretty much explained her point from every angle now and it makes sense. So please, stop picking just for the sake of a fight.
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you are delusional, because technically you aren't technically in a relationship unless technically you've had "The Talk."
Cleared up further in my post. If not, maybe you should just forget about it, because you aren't even going to get it.
Fucking someone and being friends with them is not a relationship.
Meaning, fucking someone does not make them your boyfriend/girlfriend.
I do not understand where you are having problems with these concepts. Honestly, how many times do I need to repeat myself?
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Emaline, do you really think everyone else on this forum is too dim to comprehend written language?
No. Just Sox.
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I said that because originally Tyler was in on it too, but he seemed to have gotten it.
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Emaline, please stop shitting up my thread.
Not that it didn't jump the shark a dozen or so pages back anyway.
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I am only shitting up your thread because I have had to repeat myself too many times in order to get someone to grasp a concept that seems to be beyond them.
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I...
I don't understand what just happened here. I see Darryl and some people being dicks for no reason and I see Ema getting on the defense which makes more people be dicks?
You people are terrible at everything.
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Sox, she's pretty much explained her point from every angle now and it makes sense. So please, stop picking just for the sake of a fight.
You're right, she has. But I'm not the one picking a fight. I haven't insulted her yet.
Emaline is picking a fight by saying that I'm an idiot and that I can't read.
All I said was 'say what you mean, we're not mind readers'.
This is NOT down to my reading comprehension. Here are the unedited statements again.
you are delusional, because technically you aren't technically in a relationship unless technically you've had "The Talk."
Fucking someone and being friends with them is not a relationship.
This is clearly bullshit. Her original post did not elaborate further on those statements. Her later post did, and I acknowledged that several times by telling her that I agree with her.
God fucking damn it people, reading comprehension. Taught in grade school.
And maybe if you guys could not take every single thing at face value, you'd get the second statement.
but obviously that is not going to happen since you all don't seem to be able to grasp basic reading skills.
These are aggressive and confrontational statements. This is how she talks to people who agree with her and understand what she is saying. I want this on record.
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I am only shitting up your thread because I have had to repeat myself too many times in order to get someone to grasp a concept that seems to be beyond them.
If you feel people are not grasping your point, just give up rather than getting hostile. This is something you do often and it is exactly WHY you are the center of constant arguments on here.
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Sox, re-read the god damn thread.
I rarely edit my posts, and when I do, it is to add something.
And on record? Are we in court? Or building files on people?
Wait, so Obsessions, people don't like me because I am stubborn? Why am I the one in trouble for doing the exact same thing as Sox? Because I am not part of the clique?
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Remember when this thread was about people with relationship questions, and other people would way in with advice? Man those were the days.
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...I'm here often enough to be part of a clique?
Due to my opinions in the music forum and altercations like this one, I sincerely doubt I have any friends here, Emaline.
Why didn't you use your reading comprehension skills to pick up on the fact that Jon thinks you're way too hostile?
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As someone who gets very defensive quickly too, I can see why she would type like that in the heat of argument. People exaggerate and make generalizations when angry, but it is hopefully relatively over now.
So hey advice thread, I have been stressed out ridiculously by end-of-semester classwork and as a result I have not been in the mood for sex at ALL for over a week now. Should it worry me how much more Chris and I argue when we aren't having regular sex? Or should I chalk up the arguments to the stress instead?
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To be perfectly honest, I'd say it IS because of the lack of sex, but I wouldn't worry about it.
Biologically speaking, sex is a de-stresser. When you don't have sex, that's one more way for the stress to build up.
Solution? Accept that probability, ask your boyfriend for patience and then properly de-stress when you're back in the mood for it.
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I think one can feed into the other pretty easily, Manda, creating a spiraling effect of stress leading to lowered sex drive and more arguments leading to more stress, etc.
Get done with your stressful activities, relax, and don't get upset at each other.
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If you're stressed out and not in the mood for sex, do other things to destress, like exercise or something, and then have sex when you feel like. As a person who doesn't have sex, I don't know if the lack of it is a reason for it, but you shouldn't let it keep building up. If your stress is actually due to lack of action, well, get in the zone and then get to it. I guess.
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Yeah, I would agree that the lack of sex probably isn't helping the stress, even as the stress is clearly interfering with the sex, and both things are contributing to arguing more. However, I would also point out that when we are busy, we tend to cut things out of our lives, and you need to be careful that Chris doesn't feel like he's the expendable part. Make sure that there's still some time when you can be fully present and there with him. If you just aren't in the mood for sex, do something else you both enjoy doing together, but make sure you're actually doing it and not just stressing out about 100 things while going through the motions.
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After reviewing the thread, it seems Tyler and I totally misread that initial post that started this whole thing. My apologies.
Yeah, I'm a dick.
You're right, she has. But I'm not the one picking a fight. I haven't insulted her yet.
Emaline is picking a fight by saying that I'm an idiot and that I can't read.
All I said was 'say what you mean, we're not mind readers'.
After re-reading the entire thread, I was being very passive aggressive and provoking her the entire time, while insisting I was right despite being terribly wrong. Every time she tried to explain this, I ignored her. I am the asshole in this situation.
This is clearly bullshit. Her original post did not elaborate further on those statements. Her later post did, and I acknowledged that several times by telling her that I agree with her.
I was totally wrong here. I should have read that initial post more than once.
These are aggressive and confrontational statements. This is how she talks to people who agree with her and understand what she is saying. I want this on record.
Yeah, I'm a huge dick.
I am a gigantic ass, I am sorry for provoking you and ignoring what you had to say, Emaline. You were correct the whole time, and it's understandable that you got slightly hostile, as I'm sure anybody else would when I'm being so incredibly frustrating.
The worst part is that I persisted even after several very sensible people told me that I was wrong without reviewing the thread.
I'm terribly embarrassed, I and hope you'll accept my apology?
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Oh hey thread,
So this girl wants to do things with me and I want to do things with her, I've never really had a casual friend that was mature enough to do this sort of thing. I don't really know how to handle it and stuff. How should I handle something like this?
Edit: okay there, now it is a question. This is technically a relationship, if a very open ended one.
I would suggest keep doing what you're doing until she initiates the exclusive relationship talk. this is a situation where the guy fucks it up 100% of the time by being relationshiply aggressive.
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I've a slight twinge in the ankle but that was a pre-existing injury which I sustained earlier today chasing an Ice Cream van.
Why is it that these things only become awesome again once you're past your teens?
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They've been awesome for forever! What are you talking about!
I really like that mental image Tommy
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Really? I was all 'man, I'm too cool for ice cream.'
Actually, that's a lie. They didn't have ice cream trucks where I was in my teens.
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So I asked the girl out today, sort of. I had invited her to see the This American Life movie (it was pretty great!) but she couldn't go due to schoolwork, but apparently they're rescreening it next Thursday. I stopped her after class and I invited her to that, but she said she has a meeting for her internship directly after the film. So that did not pan out.
At that point I realized that this was pretty much as good of a chance as I'm going to get, so I stopped her as she turned to leave and asked her if she liked coffee. She said that she used to but she's drinking tea now. So I asked her if she wanted to go out for tea with me.
And she seemed a little taken aback by this, but she said yes. Anyway at that point I realized I had no idea what the fuck I was doing. So I said "Cool, let me know." and we said our goodbyes.
So it's in her court now. If she wants to, I guess she'll get back to me? If not she won't, and I don't think it won't be a big deal. I'm not head-over-heels for this girl, she just seems smart and interesting.
Did I do right? Should I have been as forward as I was about it? I don't know. After the mindfuck of the last few weeks I'm finding it difficult to dwell on things. It's nice.
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Did I do right?
Oh my god you fucked it up in so many ways I can't even begin to enumerate them
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pretty excited for you :-)
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You did right, but don't assume the balls entirely in her court. If you don't hear back in a day or two, remind her that you still want to take her out for tea.
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An update on my situation: it is not so dire anymore.
The Best Friend still doesn't know about the Thing the Girl and I kind of have going (if you can call it that. We're both kind of tiptoe-ing around the situation a bit, haven't really fooled around or anything yet), and he's admitted to developing a bad habit of getting drunk and flirting with a lot of Arizona State girls (because all the hot girls at his school are in Interior Design and not Film). I think he's starting to recognize the strain of a long-distance relationship, despite how hard he has been holding onto it. If the Girl can keep a secret, I'd even wager there's a 50/50 chance of him initiating an amicable breakup over the summer.
My question now is, how long afterwards do we wait to let him know about us? Obviously right after is not a good idea, but what is a decent waiting period? A month? A few months? 2 hours? One week?
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Dear relationship thread -
My boyfriend is getting to be woefully boring. He doesn't like being decisive, which is a problem because when I do not have an opinion on something I prefer to not make a decision either (like what to have for dinner or what to do this saturday night omg). He is lazy; actually, he may have decided that "doing nothing" is one of his favourite pastimes because at one point he was working three jobs and had no free time, and he doesn't often go back and re-think his opinions after the circumstances have changed. He is shy, so things like going to play in the creek in our underwear or even bathing suits is just nooootttttt rrrrrrrreeeeeeally something he wants to doooo. He is also not exactly innately creative, at least in a way I would recognise, so he will do things like learn how to make mashed potatoes and then eat nothing but mashed potatoes and maybe some beef or chicken for like two weeks and then wonder why he is so sick of potatoes and declare that he hates them forever after amen.
I have done things like suggest going on a picnic or hiking up the local "mountain" or going to the park, but it just never seems to happen. I have mentioned things like weekend camping trips or visiting the coastal barrier islands for spring break, and while those not happening is not entirely his fault, as we both ultimately had scheduling conflicts, I have a feeling they wouldn't have happened anyway. I know he can be spontaneous: he once felt that things were not going the way he wanted, so he assessed his assets and two days later moved from Atlanta to Portland, Maine. I know he does fun things, because he hiked the Appalachian Trail two years ago!
I don't mind planning things and making sure they happen, but when I am doing that every time it starts to make it feel like it is not worth it. So what should I do? How do I boost his sense of fun? What do I do to inspire his spontaneous streak?
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Given his history you talked about, maybe he's fallen into a depressive state recently, either mentally or physically. Have you talked to him about his lack of drive or motivation? Has he talked about it with you? Sometimes it takes a brief change of scenery to pop people out of a slump like that, or maybe even something more severe. Has he acknowledged that he's changed/changing somewhat?
I feel particularly knowledgeable about the subject at the moment as I rather feel myself to be in your boyfriend's situation, and my lady in yours. It can be difficult.
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Dear relationship thread -
My boyfriend is getting to be woefully boring. He doesn't like being decisive, which is a problem because when I do not have an opinion on something I prefer to not make a decision either (like what to have for dinner or what to do this saturday night omg). He is lazy; actually, he may have decided that "doing nothing" is one of his favourite pastimes because at one point he was working three jobs and had no free time, and he doesn't often go back and re-think his opinions after the circumstances have changed. He is shy, so things like going to play in the creek in our underwear or even bathing suits is just nooootttttt rrrrrrrreeeeeeally something he wants to doooo. He is also not exactly innately creative, at least in a way I would recognise, so he will do things like learn how to make mashed potatoes and then eat nothing but mashed potatoes and maybe some beef or chicken for like two weeks and then wonder why he is so sick of potatoes and declare that he hates them forever after amen.
I have done things like suggest going on a picnic or hiking up the local "mountain" or going to the park, but it just never seems to happen. I have mentioned things like weekend camping trips or visiting the coastal barrier islands for spring break, and while those not happening is not entirely his fault, as we both ultimately had scheduling conflicts, I have a feeling they wouldn't have happened anyway. I know he can be spontaneous: he once felt that things were not going the way he wanted, so he assessed his assets and two days later moved from Atlanta to Portland, Maine. I know he does fun things, because he hiked the Appalachian Trail two years ago!
I don't mind planning things and making sure they happen, but when I am doing that every time it starts to make it feel like it is not worth it. So what should I do?
Where are you living these days?
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Hotlanta, of course. Actually I live about 30 minutes north of the city in Kennesaw. Yes, that is where Kennesaw Mountain is; that is in fact the "local 'mountain' to which I referred.
Beren: I have chronic depression. I know how it is too. The problem is, he is not a verbal person, and he doesn't know how to describe his thoughts or feelings to people because I don't think he knows how to describe them to himself. So for all I know he could actually be depressed, but he would have no idea, and I wouldn't be able to get a straight answer to such questions as "do you feel apathetic most of the time" or "have you stopped doing the things you like and don't know why" because he would have mentally defined apathetic wrongly and he would try to give me a reason for why because he would think he knows but actually doesn't? I am sorry if this is confusing to understand, but it is really confusing to deal with, especially for someone like me who needs to be so verbally precise.
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An update on my situation: it is not so dire anymore.
The Best Friend still doesn't know about the Thing the Girl and I kind of have going (if you can call it that. We're both kind of tiptoe-ing around the situation a bit, haven't really fooled around or anything yet), and he's admitted to developing a bad habit of getting drunk and flirting with a lot of Arizona State girls (because all the hot girls at his school are in Interior Design and not Film). I think he's starting to recognize the strain of a long-distance relationship, despite how hard he has been holding onto it. If the Girl can keep a secret, I'd even wager there's a 50/50 chance of him initiating an amicable breakup over the summer.
My question now is, how long afterwards do we wait to let him know about us? Obviously right after is not a good idea, but what is a decent waiting period? A month? A few months? 2 hours? One week?
I would say awhile, and if it's at all possible dissuade him of the notion that this whole thing started before they broke up, if you're looking to head off drama. If it's possible for you to break off contact that might also be advisable. But what do I know!
You did right, but don't assume the balls entirely in her court. If you don't hear back in a day or two, remind her that you still want to take her out for tea.
Yeah, I'm not sure of what my next step should be. I just don't know if I should press. I want to seem open but not aggressive. If she's not interested I'd rather her just let it drop than be forced to say so.
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girl
So I would not be so sure it's in her court unless that was the explicit result of the conversation and even then I would not be sure. If you want something sometimes you have to pursue it. Not too aggressively, of course, but if you really want her you may have to make the next move and the next move.
Yeah and you didn't do it wrong. Sounds about the best you could of. Knock 'em dead, tiger.
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my boyfriend
I'm just wondering if you've talked to him about any of this, because regardless on how shitty he is verbally you should at least try to communicate a little with him if you think you guys are having problems.
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Manda, break up with him, if sex is the only thing keeping you together you're doomed.
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Then move to colorado.
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girl
Hey, I can sorta help, I've been in this situation.
If she doesn't get back to you after a couple days, and you ask her again, and she gives you a real iffy answer, she may just be going along with it because she doesn't know how to say no. I've encountered this more than once, or at least, girls who go along with something initially, then later say that it was something entirely different and that they were just humoring you.
It is a fine line you're walking, between getting into a relationship and having a girl think you are that guy that she doesn't like but that won't leave her alone.
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Yeah, I'm not sure of what my next step should be. I just don't know if I should press. I want to seem open but not aggressive. If she's not interested I'd rather her just let it drop than be forced to say so.
Dude. Set a time and a place (you probably should have done that in the first place, but whatever), meet up with her, hang out, see if you both enjoy it, if you do both enjoy it then do it again. You're not starting the love of a lifetime here, you're just making preliminary investigations. Don't burden it with being something it's not when it's so ridiculously early in the piece. Here's the break down:
1) There is a girl.
2) You sort of like the girl, in that you wouldn't mind getting a beverage of some kind with her.
3) You've made a mutual but fairly vague commitment to get a beverage together at some undetermined time and place in the future.
At this point you shouldn't be looking any further into the future of your relationship with this girl than that first "date". If after that you decide that you're not really so keen on her, that's fine. If you go out on one very low-key date with her, then decide not to pursue anything further, and she gets all cut up about it because she's invested too much emotion into it, that's her problem not yours; or vice-versa if she decides she's not interested. At this point neither of you should be getting too excited about anything, nor should you expect the big emotions to be there right from the start. Always remember: love at first sight is a crock made up by movie executives to sell tickets to Matthew McConaughey/Kate Hudson films.
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You right, you right.
Gah, I was so flustered then too. I'll have to man up some (SEXISM) and just talk to her again. If she initiates contact that is a positive sign!
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I've a slight twinge in the ankle but that was a pre-existing injury which I sustained earlier today chasing an Ice Cream van.
I've a slight twinge in the ankle but that was a pre-existing injury which I Ice Cream van.
d'aaaaaw! :lol:
So, relationship thread, you doin' anything... say Friday at seven?
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my boyfriend
I'm just wondering if you've talked to him about any of this, because regardless on how shitty he is verbally you should at least try to communicate a little with him if you think you guys are having problems.
Well, duh. I have already talked to him. Mostly I am just asking for ideas on how to get him interested - you know, maybe new and innovative ways to broach the subject, like with pictures and stickies on the refrigerator or putting a picnic basket on his head for a hat or maybe some tips on how to suggest things to people and still make them think they thought of it all by themselves (I have always wanted to be able to do this).
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So, relationship thread, you doin' anything... say Friday at seven?
Sorry, I'm washing my hair that night.
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You right, you right.
Gah, I was so flustered then too. I'll have to man up some (SEXISM) and just talk to her again. If she initiates contact that is a positive sign!
Yeah, but don't take it as a negative sign if she doesn't. Something we sometimes forget is that the girl can be shy too, and it sounds like this girl might not be used to having someone interested in her. You said she seemed surprised when you asked her out for tea. She was busy the first two times you asked her somewhere, which might have been an attempt to blow you off without saying "I'm not interested," but there's another possibility. There's a personality type of highly driven, busy, and sort of geeky people (I'm certainly one of them) and many of us are completely dense about someone being interested in us just because we're so caught up in the rest of our lives. More then one of my relationships have started with long periods of hanging out together, which I assumed was just hanging out together, until the other person said "hey, you wanna go on a date some time?"
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KvP - this girl sounds like she is fairly busy with her everyday life stuff, so perhaps next time you see her, try and arrange a time for tea? Something like "I was thinking <insert day here> at about <insert time here> for tea? Does that work?" and just try and set something into a more concrete state I guess.
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Thanks Jammerz, I think I will do that.
I need to get notes from her anyway!
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I'm not perfect and I don't expect others to be.
Last week my girlfriend tells me she invited a person who she had slept with very recently before she started dating me over to play zelda. Fortunately, the guy knew she was dating me and advised her he didn't think it was a good Idea. She said I would be fine with it as long as they hung out as just friends(I had no knowledge of this event at the time). He told her that he probably would hit on her so forth. So she told him to just forget about it.
Since, she has told me of this conversation I am unsually bothered. I feel or think, yeah think is the word that her intent was competely innocent as this girl seems quite a bit different from girls i've dated in the past(ones that have cheated). I am still very uneasy about the situation because either to me hanging out with someone you've fucked makes it all to easy to fuck up and say "whoops" again. Maybe it's just me and I'm sure many of you will say so or just call me a prick or whatever. I have some insecurities I never really completely got over before I started dating this girl and so far she has been nothing but a pretty good experience for me relationship wise, which is why I am having issues with what she told me. I could probably go on and on about how honest of a person she seems, but in reality the problem isn't that she talked to this dude and told me about it. It's the fact that it bothers me and i'm trying to decide if my insecurities validate my reasoning for being upset about this or if they are just plainly insecurities.
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When you're hurt by someone in the past, that hurt doesn't go away with that person. It lingers on and manifests itself in different ways, especially in making it hard to trust who you're with now, because you're still, consciously or unconsciously, comparing them to your past lovers and hoping that they don't do the same things that have hurt you before. I don't think you're being totally insecure, I think that you're still putting yourself on guard a bit from what happened before. It sounds, to me, that you're a bit justified over being upset initially, but, as far as I can tell, it doesn't seem like anything to linger on for a long, long time.
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Good read of me. I see your point completely and hope it doesn't linger. I am trying really hard to not make wrong decisions in my relationship because of the wrong in my past relationship. My major problem now is trying to accept the amount of personal risk in putting forth a good showing in a relationship with the chances of it all backlashing into my face. I'm probably a douche of a boyfriend for this, but it's my struggle and I'm trying.
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I've seen a lot of times where people have a hard time letting their boyfriend/girlfriend maintain a relationship with their ex(es), and while sometimes I find it's justified, I think that sometimes there isn't anything more than a friendship going on.
Intimate relationships can end with "Let's be friends" and then actually go onto become friendship. Really! The main key always seems to be, more than anything, to communicate. Tell her that you feel uneasy about her being with him but that doesn't mean you're trying to put a stop to it - instead, you're just trying to realize that you can trust her, which is something that can take awhile to truly sink in.
I suddenly feel like Dr. Phil. :|
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Yeah, I don't mind the casual talking to or seeing as she passes by him at college. But the whole hanging out thing which would most likely be just her and him in her apartment irks me. I have stated to her how it made me feel to which she got pretty upset and blamed my past relationships for not letting myself trust her with this. I tried to explain to her that even though my feeling may not be right initially they are my feelings and i'm not going to hide them from her. Things of been a bit edgy since the whole conversation. We are still talking and being close and cuddly and all. Just she seems so much more apt to get upset at me then she did before.
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Hm, interesting. Either something is happening between them, or she's just upset because it's coming across to her as, "I can't trust you."
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I think it's mostly the latter. She probably really gets the feeling I don't trust her after I told her how it made me feel really uneasy she invited him to hang out. It's just one of those things I coudln't let settle inside me and had to let her know how it affected me. I suppose either she'll let that hurt us or help us. I just hope she picks the latter in that.
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So, relationship thread, you doin' anything... say Friday at seven?
Sorry, I'm washing my hair that night.
Oh. I only date people who wash their hair regularly..
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You and I would never have worked out.
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Hm, interesting. Either something is happening between them, or she's just upset because it's coming across to her as, "I can't trust you."
I don't think it's necessarily either of those things, though the latter has a small part to do with it. She probably sees this as an attempt by MB to determine who she's allowed to be friends with, which no one appreciates.
It's good to make your feelings known, but try to work past those feelings. Don't make her choose between a relationship with you and a friendship with this other person. You might not win the choice, and even if you do, she'll resent you for it.
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At the same time, I see his concern with her hanging out with an ex-plaything. I know that would make me a little uncomfortable if my boyfriend wanted to hang out like that with another woman. It wouldn't be that I don't trust him, but I wouldn't trust the other person involved if I didn't already know her well. In MB's case, it sounds like he's had it rough before and the lady should be a little more considerate toward him regarding this.
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Trusting the other person should be irrelevant, since if you trust your partner part of that trust is the expectation that they'll rebuff any advances made towards them. Not to say that some consideration shouldn't be given by a partner to someone who's had a rough past, but unless someone does things that give you cause to doubt trusting them (and hanging out with an ex certainly isn't one) not trusting a partner is in the end an individuals own problem. It's also not one a partner should be expected to put up with indefinitely.
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At the same time, I see his concern with her hanging out with an ex-plaything. I know that would make me a little uncomfortable if my boyfriend wanted to hang out like that with another woman. It wouldn't be that I don't trust him, but I wouldn't trust the other person involved if I didn't already know her well. In MB's case, it sounds like he's had it rough before and the lady should be a little more considerate toward him regarding this.
Yeah, that's probably true. MB should probably suggest some situation where they can all hang out together. If she wants to maintain a friendship with the ex, part of that should probably involve MB and the ex getting to know each other a little better.
Looking back though, I don't know if the ex sounds like he's interested in a "just friends" relationship. She invited him over and he said it would be a bad idea because he would just end up hitting on her. That suggests that he doesn't feel ready to have her as "just a friend" at the moment.
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Man, you need to let her do her thing. In the end, who she hangs with is her choice. You are allowed to say your thing, and you did. Otherwise, you are two adult individuals.
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From now on, do not post here unless you have already tried the following:
Hey, (Person of interest), (These are my current feelings about said situation).
Lets have some examples:
Hey, girl I like, I would like to take you to the movies.
Hey, boyfriend, I am not happy with the current state of affairs, specifically your indifference.
Hey, ex-girlfriend, things between us are really over, and we both need to move on.
The reason: No one is a mind reader.
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I just tried the second option and now I have no boyfriend.
Thanks a lot, Tyler. I'm gonna go cry for a while now.
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Hey, boyfriend, I am not happy with the current state of affairs, specifically your indifference.
I find myself indifferent to your unhappiness.
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Godsdammit housemate, why do you have to bring over hot women from work that you are interested in but any man with a pulse would also be interested in!
Quick question, how am I to behave with honourable intentions towards this girl whilst not undermining my friends chances with her (advice asked for here)
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In an effort to make this an interesting thread again, let us keep it to "Relationship Advice"
Blogging goes in blog thread. Sex shit has its own thread too.
If it isn't advice you are asking for, don't post here.
If it is advice you are asking for and it can be dealt with by the post I made further up the page, don't post here.
Cmon kids.
Let's make this thread not be terrible!
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Rightio!
So, a fair while back, I used to work with this girl. We were good friends, and became very much attracted to each other over the course of working together. However, we were both in relationships with people at the time, so nothing came of it while we were working together. Both of our relationships had been on the way out before we spoke about our mutual attraction, but it was a difficult thing for both of us to leave our respective partners for reasons I'm not comfortable talking about here.
Anyway, eventually both of us became single. After a bit of time had passed (we'd been friends all the while), I thought I'd go about asking her out as slightly more than friends, or at least on a one-to-one basis. I have done this a fair few times, and she always says she's too busy that day/night, and didn't get back to me when I ask her for a better time. After a while of this, I asked if she was avoiding me for some reason, and she said no, she was just busy and forgetful. I left it at that, and just went back to business as usual for a few weeks.
Now even when I try to organise less romantic stuff, more along the lines of what you normally do with your friends, it's the same- she's always too busy, doesn't reply with a better time, etc. And yet she finds the time to go to the pub with mutual friends of ours she professes to not even like that much. On top of this, the one or two times we have been out in the past couple of months, I get the impression that she's still interested in me. I also get the impression she's a bit jealous of this other girl who has asked me out a few times.
Basically I'm pretty thoroughly confused. I've kinda given up on the romantic notions with her. I don't really want to ask her a second time if there's some reason she's avoiding me, but I still would like to keep her as a friend, at the least.
Advice?
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Sounds like she is more into the idea of you rather than you. I say this because of the bit about how she seems to be interested when you are around but is not willing to make time to see you on any kind of one-on-one basis. She probably has slight crushes on you but not strong enough for her to make any significant effort. It's possible that she is terribly busy but not that likely if she's hanging out with people she doesn't even particularly like.
I'd probably just find someone more available unless you are super-invested in this girl.
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Options: -confront her (probably a bad idea)
-forget about it (probably a better idea?)
People are confused about what they want sometimes and it is not necessarily worth figuring out what they want. Jimmy's right.
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Basically this is simple on your end of things.
Ask her when she is free, and then ask her to do something with you. If you have a good friendship, tell her you two are doing something and she has no choice (caveman strategy can be very endearing if it fits the personalities involved). Frankly being blunt about it might take the nervous romantic emotion issue off the table and relax her.
If she continues to avoid and such, honestly just let it go and move past. Stalling yourself out for someone else who cannot work things out for themselves is always a bad idea.
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Yeah, I'd have to agree with Jimmy here, and I've kind of been in that situation before - having a thing for someone who is otherwise unattainable, but when they were attainable and emotionally available, I kind of lost interest/they weren't as exciting/they were different to when I was flirting with previously.
If this is the case, maybe she just doesn't know how to tell you without making it awkward/feel bad, but from the sounds of it, she probably doesn't want to lead you into having a sense of false hope either, hence the avoidance/busy-ness but not really/whatever.
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Hm, right. Thanks for the advice. Like I say, I was already leaning towards just getting over her, so I guess that's basically what I'll do. Hopefully she values our friendship as much as I do and will sort out whatever she's got going on, and maybe we'll go back to being friends further down the line.
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I tried Tyler's 3rd option on my current girlfriend... and now i'm married. WTF :?
JK
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Also, I know this is cliche but maybe she's still got a crush on you but doesn't want to do anything about it right now because it's not the right time. Can't remember how long it's been since you became single, but different people need different time to get over shit and feel like they want something new.
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Provided that both parties are not creeps, people tend to like flirting since it can be fun and a nice "Hey, I -am- attractive!" reminder. However, it does mean that you'll run into people who will kind-of-but-not-really respond to advances because it is pleasant and they like the attention. Life becomes much simpler (and more fun) when you can accept and live with that idea without stressing out about it.
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...ooooh I want the one I can't haaave, and it's driving me maaaad....
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Sooooo.... this morning I woke up and there was a message on my phone from around midnight last night. Apparently that same girl wanted to drop round my house for a beer. At midnight.
aahjgskjhashkakjhkkjh :? :? :? :? etc.
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Based on available information, she does not want to date you, but due to earlier flirtations has you tagged as a potential rebound fuck. This is my theory.
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Maybe she just wanted a beer vOv
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I second DBR's assessment. If you just want to get off, have at her, but she doesn't sound like she's particularly likely to make for a successful relationship.
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So, new topic of conversation, frivolous use of the L word (love not lesbian)
I was at a party last night with a my new girl (by new I mean not even together a week). Something in the conversation causes me to perform the awkward turtle* she laughs and says "Awkward A'Tuin". My brain thinks "Fantastic nerdy joke" however what my mouth says is "My God, I love you" - exactly as I would to anyone who had said something like that. She however seems to take me seriously saying something along the lines of "Wow that was early"
Was it stupid on my part? On hers for taking me seriously? Should the use of 'love you' be kept solely for important moments with your significant other, even if you use it freely with other people? Discuss
*Incase there are any who don't know, the awkward turtle is a sign made by putting your hand palm down flat in front of you putting the other hand on top of it so that you're thumbs are pointing out in oposite directions, then rotating your thumbs - the idea is that when ever theres an awkward pause in the conversation that the awkward turtle climbs onto the beach and lays eggs in your conversation.
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I wouldn't call it stupid on either account, I think it's just the circumstance that made it awkward. I mean, you would've said that with no weirdness to a friend had they made the same joke, so you can't really blame yourself for saying it without thinking. And she can't really be blamed for the "it's a bit early for that" kind of response, because well, you've only been going out for a week, but in the context of you two being in a relationship it's a pretty fair interpretation on her part to take the comment literally.
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What I would do about that would sound a bit like this:
"So when I said 'I love you,' what I meant was 'I am getting signals from my mind and body that are telling me that you're really incredible.' I AM getting those signals, I DO feel that way about you ... AND, in addition to all that, I am kinda weirded out by using the words 'I love you' after having been with you for so little time. I hope you're OK with that and I'm open to whatever you have to say on the subject."
Cue listening to her.
That's what I'd do, anyway.
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Listen to Nick. Unlike some people, he talks the sense.
I would just pretend the awkward never happened. Just go back to hangin' out and having fun with her. I wouldn't even bother trying to explain that you didn't mean it, blah blah because it'd just make things awkward again. She is probably sitting wherever she is at the moment thinking "ah man, I knew he wasn't saying love with a capital L, why did I have to take things seriously and make things awkward? Oh god"
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No! At the first opportunity, say "God I hate you". That way it will balance out.
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It may just be me being a teenager and all but it's quite common to use the word 'love' when describing friendships, a hell of a lot more common than it is to refer to a significant other.
Just say you meant it in a friendly way, instead of a romantic way.
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I like Harry's tack on the situation. Just try and not to sound like a mood-swinging freak.
Or, say you hate god so every time you say "God <something>" that something is actually a lie to spite god.
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I thought this thread was no longer a Thing, but it is, so I have to ask.
There's this lady who I'm kinda running into a lot and there's definite good vibes. She's really cute and fun and whenever we see each other I'm fairly sure that we're kicking it off ace. But, the run-ins are usually accidental and completely random. Now I'm thinking of next time I see her asking her number, but on the other hand I thought it might ruin the situation we have. I mean, I'm not really looking to get into a relationship and I don't think she is either, but... yea.
Is asking for a phone number kinda making it official?
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Going on a date does not a relationship make.
Seriously though, ask her if she wants to hang out and leave it at that. It's not like saying "want to go hav coffee/get something to eat/hangout etc.?" is the same as "WIL YOO BE MY GIRLFREN?" Don't make it a big thing.
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Now I'm thinking of next time I see her asking her number, but on the other hand I thought it might ruin the situation we have.
Dude, right now you "have" nothing, it is only potential at this point, and the only thing about that is that there is a lot of it. It will be quite easy for you to say "hey, we seem to run into each other a lot, and I enjoy your company, we should hang out more often, would it be cool if I got your number?" Her response will almost undoubtedly be "sure, what's yours?" and she will pull out her phone. She might even interrupt you ("We should hang out, you want my number?") to say this.
This is a really key thing to get comfortable with, so now's a great time to practice. And if she does balk, it'll probably be because she has a boyfriend already, in which case you should repeat the question, and stress that you respect boundaries and you actually just enjoy her company and want to hang out with her sometime, because she might have attractive friends who are as cool as she is (don't actually say that last part).
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Find any event. Small party with friends or large festival, doesn't matter. If you're being forward, say "I can pick you up if you would like to join me." If you're more subtle by nature or unsure about your prospects, say "I know about this movie/event/party/thing, would you be interested? It could be fun, and it'd be nice to have someone along who is fun to talk to."
You're basically saying that your prospective date is fun to be around, without begging her or him to be there. It conveys interest, but not desperation.
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I asked one girl "hey, you want to go to this party friday? my friend max invited me and his girlfriend is going with him" she replied with "You know I have a boyfriend" and so I said "alright, but did you want to go to the party with me and my friend max and his girlfriend? I mean, we can be friends right?" Its really simple to just be cool about it if they have a boyfriend. Just tack on the extra bit about going as friends if they straight up mention a boyfriend.
(of course, her boyfriend lived in california, so it wasn't like he was going to go.)
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Relationship thread, do I pursue a possible relationship with a boy knowing that he is considering getting back together with an ex-girlfriend (who lives, I hasten to add, in another country) or do I write it off as a non-starter and wish things were different? I sent him a text a few days back asking if he wanted to go out for coffee and he has not replied; I don't know if that's because of a lack of signal (so he might not have got the text) or a reply in its own right. Am I heading for a fall if I ask him where we stand? I thought we were getting along great but there hasn't been anything concrete to suggest he's interested in me, really. I'd rather not have things get awkward but I only have to see him a handful more times if it all goes weird so what is the best course? Apathy or action?
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So I really like this girl, and believe I have already mentioned this. She's a pretty close friend. We'll call her A.
She has a boyfriend. We won't mention him again, though he seems like a pretty ok guy.
I also really like this other girl, who is, like, my closest friend, and I'm the only person she tells everything. Or so she says. She's kinda seeing a guy I hate atm. He isn't a pretty ok guy, but I guess we get along ok. We'll call her B.
I like A waay more than B, but I was totally obsessed with B for about a year and a half. I didn't realize this till afterwards though, weirdly.
One of A's closest friends, who I met about 3 months ago or something, and who I get along with pretty well, but haven't know long enough to call a close friend (lets call her C) is 'in love' with me, apparently. C is also friends with B, and A and B think I am leading C on, even though me and C talk about this quite a lot and we both know we aren't.
Then someone who we will call D, who is really good friends with B, and quite good friends with C, is also, 'in love', with me, apparently. Or so she told me. She is also one of my closest friends. :|
I'm not looking for any advice on what to do. I just want to know if this is possible to express in a 2 dimensional shape, eg love triangle etc.
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Barmymoo, I would advise action. In my opinion, very little will just fall into your lap; action is almost always the best course of, well, action. If things get awkward, well, you can either work through it and forget about it, or just not have to see him again and move on.
Go! Be proactive! Fortune favors the bold, and all that.
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I'm not looking for any advice on what to do. I just want to know if this is possible to express in a 2 dimensional shape, eg love triangle etc.
Love rhombus! (Love rectangle, square, parallelogram, quadrilateral, and rectangle just don't have the same ring as love rhombus.)
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Well I'd go for rhombus, but I'm in involved in it too. :-P
If you count the two boyfriends, that's 7 people. We're gonna have to go 3-dimensional here. Any help?
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Then that'd be a heptagon.
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Well yes, almost. But
My point, G, needs to lead to A and B.
A needs to lead to E (boyfriend).
B needs to lead to F (person she is seeing).
C needs to lead to G.
D needs to lead to G.
So we can't really have a heptagon, because it isn't the classic problem of A to B to C to D etc.
of course, this is without factoring in friendships. :| Is this even a possible shape? Damn my love life.. Could we graph it or something?
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Draw a heptagon and label each point A-G and then draw lines connecting them! Or a circle with 7 points and connect those! It's not that hard!
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Ah why didn't I realize that.
(http://img33.imageshack.us/img33/4643/heptagon.png)
It's not very good, but there it is. :-D
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this thing
So on pursuing this thing, I was waiting to meet up with her again, but last night she sent me a facebook wall post with her number, so I'm thinking wooyakasha. I'm thinking this is kinda rad and moving in the right direction.
Cheers guys.
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So wait, you didn't even actually need to ask? Excellent!
You guys should hang out and discover why you are both really awesome people (because there will be a lot there to discover, I have found that there basically always is).
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Clearly if you remove G it all becomes much neater.
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She might just be attracted to you as a friend, though.
Which is still a win.
Unless she's a horrible, horrible person, in which case try not to become friends with her.
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Clearly if you remove G it all becomes much neater.
Brilliant.
But a bit mean. :-P
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Remember how I was trying to tread lightly earlier? Someone started spreading dangerous rumors that are completely untrue which is causing several of my friends to stop talking to me, and I'm being followed by a completely unrelated crazy chick. Close one can of worms, open up another.
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so, i have a feeling that when a girl says "we should exchange numbers!" after a few minutes of conversation she might be attracted to you.
ADDENDUM: this is after we hung out at a party, where talked a lot. she contacted me on the inernets.
this happens to me all the time and while it can mean something it can also mean exactly nothing
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So what does it mean when a girl invites you to parties and shit and asks you to get wasted with her (when you both know she gets very, uh, affectionate whilst wasted), even though she has a boyfriend? :|
Ohh and I started talking to this girl who seems very nice (and very pretty), so wish me luck. :-D
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So what does it mean when a girl invites you to parties and shit and asks you to get wasted with her (when you both know she gets very, uh, affectionate whilst wasted), even though she has a boyfriend? :|
Inviting you to a party is nothing. She might just want more people she knows at the party. I do that a fair amount. For example, if I have a friend from, say, work, who invites me to a party that's not work related and tells me I can invite other people too, then I will usually invite one or two friends just so I know at least a couple of other people besides the person who invited me.
If she wants to get drunk alone, that could mean she's looking for a less-guilty way to cheat on her boyfriend with you. If she's attracted to you, she could be trying to use drunkenness as an excuse to let something happen that would normally be out of the question because of her boyfriend. This is usually not a good situation and I recommend avoiding it.
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Seeing as though the party is hosted by one of her best friends, and it is a party which is mainly people from her school/college (I go to a different school), I think plenty of her friends will be there.
I'd probably say the second option (not because I believe she's attracted to me, but because it's simply logical), and I think I'm going to avoid it by being sober, because sober me is far too awkward to have something like that happen. Oh and this is the first time I'm actually meeting her boyfriend so I'm gonna hope he's an alright dude and that I don't fuck it up. :-D
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Yeah, I would say she probably just wants to introduce you to her boyfriend then. If he's going to be there, you shouldn't read too much into the drinking.
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Hmm, well she did specifically say 'sneak off together alone', but I'll take your word for it. :-)
Remember this is 'high school' (or the english equivalent), and she knows I'm crazy about her, so are you really sure she'll just want to introduce me to her boyfriend?
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You don't bring the dude you want to cheat on your boyfriend with to a party your boyfriend is at. At least I'm pretty sure that is not how it works. Maybe she wants a threesome? (This is unlikely.)
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You're either going to be involved in a threesome, or you're going to get beat up by her boyfriend.
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Guys we are 15 :-) As far as I am aware threesomes are not the norm.
But the point is I won't get beat up by her boyfriend, right? If I act sensibly... So my plan for the night is to act sensibly and just meet new people :-D because I know nobody at this party apart from her.
Also i doubt her boyfriend could beat me up.
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we are 15
Remember before when you were looking for a name for this particular romantic entanglement? You've found it^
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Threesome? Or is there some joke I'm not getting here?
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I was proposing "we are 15."
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Ohh ok then. Our love heptagon think can be simplified though, we can remove B and F, I think. :-D thus making a pentagon. Yay.
So you guys think - the best thing to do is just be chill? What if she asks me to go off drinking with her, what do I do?
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Go off drinking with her, but don't be stupid. Contrary to some teenage belief, having a couple drinks doesn't completely remove your free will or ability to think. You're still responsible for your actions, so decide whether you like this girl enough to cuckold her boyfriend, or just reject her advances when/if they happen.
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Yeah, don't worry I am experienced enough with the drink. :-D
Hmm, well I definitely like her enough to do that, but I won't. I mean, in the long term it'll be better, right? Just looking for reassurance cos in the short term, I'll be a bit pissed off with myself for not taking an opportunity (even though it's the right thing to do etc).
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Guys, I walked in on my girlfriend foolin' around with one of my good friends today...and I don't know what the fuck to do. I mean, I really feel like I'm in love with her, and we haven't had any major problems in our relationship recently, and we talk about everything and....ugh. @_@ Even worse, I've been friends with the guy since my freshman year of high school, and this kinda bullshit came straight out of the blue. When it happened, I broke down and screamed "What the FUCK?" several times before leaving and heading to my cousin's house. I turned my cell off, and haven't tried to contact either of 'em since. It's just really hard to even comprehend at the moment. Helped my cousin paint to try and get my mind off it, but that didn't help and he's off with HIS girlfriend at the moment, which although it isn't his fault makes me feel shittier. Seriously guys....what the hell do I do?
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I, personally, would leave it a couple of days, just to let everything settle in everybody's minds. They can figure out what the fuck to do, and you can go in without all guns blazing. I'm not saying you should give her another chance, but if you're in love, you should at least talk it out and see if it can be resolved, as well as talking to your friend and seeing what the hell happened. Then again, sometimes it's easier to just cut the cord with the both of them.
Long story short. Leave it a few days, see if they try and get hold of you. If they do, I would leave it until you're ready to talk about it rationally.
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Dump the girl, thank the guy for pointing out how much of a two-timer she is
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Don't forget the cock punch afterwards.
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Oh man, am I a wimp and a half.
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No, you're just reasonable and you make an effort to be emotionally intelligent.
Cutting the cord with these two people means that this is going to hurt for a long, long time. If it hurts now, it's not going to stop hurting until you figure out why there isn't any reason for it to STILL hurt, and if you cut the cord with your friend and (now ex-, presumably) girlfriend, you're not going to figure that out, because there will ALWAYS be a reason for it to hurt, specifically, that it ended two relationships that presumably added goodness and joy to your life up until then.
In other words, this is going to all make sense and you're going to stop feeling hurt about it when you forgive both of them.
Now, this doesn't mean you need to tell them "it's OK that you guys did what you did, I'm OK with it, don't worry about me, blah blah blah." That's not forgiveness. Forgiveness is not saying "that shitty thing you did was actually no big deal." There is nothing that is going to make this "no big deal." It is clearly a big deal. They have clearly done a really, really shitty thing. Nothing is going to change the fact that they have fucked up, BIG time.
So what you need to do (after calming down enough to do it reasonably, and maybe letting some anger out in a safe way somewhere with a sledgehammer and some surplus computer equipment you find in a dumpster outside an office building or something) is (a) ask them what they were thinking and why they thought what they were doing was a good idea, both individually and apart (it'll be interesting to see if one of them holds themselves more responsible than the other), and then (b) adjust the story you've been telling yourself so far about your relationship so that it makes sense, because right now it doesn't, and that's what's causing you so much pain (you thought you had a good thing going, and then your trust gets flagrantly violated and a whole lot of cognitive dissonance starts happening because you thought she was into you and suddenly feel like you have to revise your opinion).
Trust me, there CAN come a point where this will make sense and you will be happy to say "you two fucked up big time, but people make mistakes, and as big as this one was, I'm deciding to make it a safe mistake for you two to make, so that you can be free enough from guilt to get down to the business of learning from it." I'm not saying you somehow need to get to this point, but it'd be optimal.
Either way you'll probably end up staying single after talking to these two. Continuing the relationship sounds like a pretty risky plan. But considering this unforgivable is just deciding to be in pain about it for as long as you can remember it.
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continuing is really not an option, unless you are okay with her doing this in the future. If you are then great, go on with having a relationship with her. But in a situation like this, if you let her pouty eyes pull you back into it more emotionally again... you will just end up hurt so much more the next time. It would be rediculous to think there won't be a next time. Even by some miracle there wasn't a next time, you'd always have it in the back of your head and any bit of little trouble you two have in the future will result in full out relationship fight.
You should eventually try to forgive like OWW suggests, but I highly suggest stay away from a relationship(even friendship) with her. The reason I suggest not having a friendship with her is if you actually do feel as strongly about her as your posts shows, then a friendship with her will only drag out how long it will take you to recover from this. You don't keep stabbing a fleshwound to make it heal faster.
I'm not sure what to tell you about your friend. One part of me just wants to say he was doing what guys do. Then another part of me knows that my good friend for the last 10 years of my life, never has done that and neither have I done that to him. Even when givin chances at eachother's exes.
Ask your friend this, "The next girlfriend you get, can I have a free pass at her?" His repsonse if truthful to how he feels will help you understand what kind of friend he is.
Edit: wanted to add... you initial reaction of freaking out and leaving was a good choice FYI. It was okay for you to show that you are upset and it was a really good choice to leave at that time.
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You don't need to know what they were thinking about when they did it or any of that shit. They were thinking "it would be great to fool around with each other" and in doing so betrayed your trust that they wouldn't do so behind your back. It is a fucked thing, and you don't need to forgive them for it.
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No, you don't need to forgive them. But it will help. Period. It is a strictly better outcome because it relieves you of pain more completely (and, with luck, more quickly).
People are not so simple as to be entirely ruled by urges that basic. Nobody ever gets to point of creating the situation JimmyJazz is in without SOME kind of thought process involved, it's not like a bolt of libido lightning struck and suddenly they were doing something that had never occurred to them before. If JimmyJazz finds out:
(1) how long they've been attracted to each other
(2) how long they've each known the other was attracted to them
(3) how much they'd talked about it before doing it
(4) how long they've been doing it
(5) anything that made them hesitate first
(6) what made them go for it anyway
(7) what they though he'd think if he found out
(8 ) why they didn't talk to him about it instead/first
... and so on and so forth, I think he might find a few things in there that are at least worth knowing, if not necessarily reasons to stay in touch with them.
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Beat the shit out of him while she is around, then, while you are naked and covered in his blood ask "IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED? IS IT?!"
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Man, I'm not gonna give someone that cheated on me some fucking bullshit questionnaire on their motives.
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Cutting them both out of your life is A. the best way for you to forget about a pair of people who don't deserve your friendship anymore so you can get on with your life and B. the best way to punish them for betraying your trust.
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Neither of those goals actually lead to being happier, though.
If you forget about them, you've gained nothing new and you MIGHT get back some of what you lost.
If you punish them, you've gained nothing new and you haven't gotten anything back.
The idea that you might get something positive and unprecedented out of this event might seem a little weird, but it's nothing to give up on.
There is nothing bullshit about asking someone what they really wanted.
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But I wouldn't care what they wanted.
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I almost fully agree with Joe on his advice, but I'd also tell him to ask them about his relationship with them both. It'll be really hard, and he'll probably find it excruciating trying to stay calm, but in the end he'll hopefully find at least some closure on what happened. Just cutting off huge ties to emotional and social well-being will leave most anyone angry and reeling, and eventually regretful.
Sorry about talking about you like you're not there, dude, it's just the easiest way to word things for me.
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The problem with furious shouting and then cutting someone out of your life completely is that once the anger has subsided you're left with a sort of bereavement feeling because someone you once really cared about is gone, and you're no longer convinced that getting rid of them is necessarily the best thing. Bad things have a habit of wiping out the good things and souring the memories of them, so if it's possible to keep a fair distance without utterly wrecking your connection (particularly with your friend) then that might help you in the future. But I wouldn't advise asking them what they were thinking until all the dust has settled and you're not angry or upset any more, because you might hear some things that make you feel worse (or they might feel you're trying to punish them and get defensive).
But basically I guess the best advice is to do what you think will be best for you. Sod what they want, it's what they want that's made this happen in the first place.
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That's good advice. Also, if you start asking a load of questions too soon you end up with the whole picking at a scab situation, you're not making things any better you're just making them worse but because you feel shitty you feel compelled to do it anyway. Mind you, I wouldn't wait until you're not at all angry or upset, that could take a long time. Just leave it until you've had a bit of time to get to grips with yourself and can think clearly about what you want to do.
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In my amateur forays into and multitudinous experiences with psychology, I would have to say that onwheelwizard is right about the forgiveness part. It took me a long time to finally lay to rest every demon raised by getting abruptly dumped by my last ex, and I don't know if I can ever be positive that I've finished with it completely, but I would say that at this point in my life I have reached that point of forgiveness, and I am a whole lot more content because of it. For a while it was like this hole or a monster inside trying to eat its way out and causing me pain and anguish that I really didn't know how to deal with. Getting to the point where I realised that it was ok to not care about him or what direction his life took or what he thought about me anymore or what our breakup said about me was incredibly freeing. My dad died when I was four years old, and I think one of the earliest lessons I learned was that nothing is static, that someday I'll be gone too, and that until then I would like to get the most out of my life with the fewest regrets. Forgiveness was a big step towards that for me.
That said, est is also right. You don't have to. And too, even if you do, you don't have to let them know about it. They have both betrayed you and violated your trust. You should feel angry and hurt and depressed and all that other stuff, and how long you decide to let that linger is also up to you. Some people are driven by the memory of things like this, and that is perfectly ok! as long as it doesn't impede whatever else you want out of life.
Also, onewheelwizard, I dunno if you meant it this way, but when you were talking about mistakes I kind of got the sense that "unintentional" or "accidental" was part of the implication. If that was the case I respectfully disagree, but if not sorry.
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I definately think you have a right to your anger, but keep in mind that anger is often more damaging to you then to the object of your anger. It can eat you up inside and make it harder for you to trust people going forward. I would say work towards forgiveness in the way that Calenlass suggests. You may not need to voice that forgiveness, but having it will be an emotional victory for you because it will allow you to let go of the enormous violence of this event. Forgiveness isn't about saying "let's be friends again," it's about accepting that what has happened has happened and moving on. Far too often, people who have failed to forgive things from old relationships carry that anger with them into new ones. This can cause enormous harm in your life, much more so then any continuing anger will hold in the lives of the people that hurt you.
How to go about forgiving is going to be different for different people. OWW clearly needs to know why before he can forgive, and if this is true for you, you can go ahead and try to figure out why. If the details of why aren't necessary for you, and especially if they would hurt you more, then you don't need to go through that process. Keep in mind that an honest answer to the reasons why might be painful. Many people who cheat do so, in part, because they are dissatisfied with their current relationship. If you'd rather not know about that, then don't find out.
Trust, however, is a separate matter. I would suggest that you have absolutely no need to trust either of these people again. You can let go of the emotional anger, but hold on to the intellectual knowledge that these people are untrustworthy. What this often leads to is a cordial but not terribly close relationship. I have this with one of my exes. We can encounter each other, exchange pleasantries, talk about how our lives are going, but we can't get beyond that because I still don't trust her to be honest with me. I don't see anything wrong with this. I'm not angry with her. I've forgiven her. I understand why she betrayed me. But she betrayed me and I have no reason to believe she wouldn't do so again.
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Also, onewheelwizard, I dunno if you meant it this way, but when you were talking about mistakes I kind of got the sense that "unintentional" or "accidental" was part of the implication. If that was the case I respectfully disagree, but if not sorry.
This quote really sticks out for me because it can be very, very true. I got into the best relationship of my life by taking stock of things, looking at what I wanted and deciding that the feelings of one of my closest friends wasn't important enough to me to keep from taking a shot at a relationship I wanted. There really wasn't really any dishonesty or backpedaling involved, but it was still definitely a betrayal because I basically just came out and said "There's real chemistry here and I want you to quit dating him now". Hell, in a way, it was even worse than dishonesty because I didn't even really entertain the idea that there was a true way I could spare his feelings, I just decided his friendship was an acceptable loss if it came to that and that I'd rather not be sneaky about the whole thing. I'm not proud of what happened, but frankly, I don't really regret it considering the context of the situation; I cared about her more than I cared about him, period. We remain very good friends, but there's no denying the fact that it changed the parameters of our friendship. In fact, I really think it took the benefit of hindsight for him to really forgive me for it. If I had submarined the friendship over a short fling rather than a longterm relationship, I rather doubt we'd be on quite the same terms we're on now.
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anger
Anger is not damaging to a person. Anger is a healthy emotion, just like grief or joy or anything else. What can destroy you is how you react to it and deal with it.
I would really really like for just one person I ever talk to ever to understand the discrepancy. Everyone thinks being angry is terrible and we should avoid it because it doesn't help at all and it is destructive and can make you lose control and tear people apart! Anger is actually an adrenaline rush that can be pretty effective in motivating you to get that one goddamn thing that keeps going wrong done right, or to finally tell your lovey-dovey that one thing that they keep doing (flirting with their ex, or whatever) you actually can't stand! I guess most people are just kind of bad about things like keeping it impersonal when they are angry and sticking to the issue that caused the anger in the first place.
Summary: I like being angry sometimes.
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I consider anger to be an underrated emotion. As Calenlass just pointed out though, the way that most people express it sucks pretty badly. For example, the superficial venting that some people espouse hits me as pretty limiting. It's never really done much for me and I've found that people who rely on outbursts as their only expression of anger tend to use such outbursts as a crutch. For example, this one asshole I know that basically says that he just "has to yell" sometimes because that's the only way he can deal with it. Of course it is; that's the only way he even tries to "control" himself anymore. I hate self-fulfilling prophecies.
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I agree that anger can be healthy, but I think we also have a tendency to hold on to our anger, and believe it works like some sort of weapon. Like if we're just mad enough for long enough then they'll be sorry. What I was getting at is that it doesn't really work that way. Dealing with your anger in a healthy way, letting it serve it's purpose, and then letting it go, is important. If you hold on to it for a long time, it stops serving any productive purpose and becomes very damaging to the person who is angry.
For example, I have 2 friends who used to date and who broke up under less then ideal circumstances. He's still pissed some 5 years later, and still can't hear her name mentioned in his presence. He might feel like this anger is still a useful weapon against her, but she's moved on. She's had several relationships since then and could probably care less that he's still mad at her. Meanwhile, he occasionally makes himself miserable over events 5 years in the past.
So I agree. Anger can be healthy if responded to correctly but forgiveness is important because it helps us put anger away when it is no longer useful and we need to move on.
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I guess it depends on how you define forgive. Maybe some people just need to go through more elaborate mental rituals than I do before they cut an event/person out of their lives and get back to what they're doing. I guess my philosophy is closer to "Don't sweat the small stuff" than "Forgive and forget."
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"Forgive and forget" is such a funny phrase. If you forget about what happened, how will you ever make sure not to let it happen again?
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Thanks for the advice guys. After class today I vented through guitar and smashing an old desktop to Minor Threat, and feel slightly more calm. But still...I don't think I'm ready to confront them yet. Not even to just find out what happened. Forgiveness seems a long way away at this point, and yet I still feel like losing a connection with these two people would be devastating, even moreso than this. I didn't answer when both tried to call again, though I left a message on my friend's phone saying I'd like to talk with them this weekend. Hopefully by then I won't be so volatile, but I dunno. Today I was real bitchy to my cousin, even though he didn't bring up the incident at all.
But speaking of the weekend, asking what happened seems like the best idea at the moment. Dealing with where my relationship will go with them, blah, I don't think wanna think abotu it right now. Would it be best to talk to thwm about it then and there, or should I wait even more till some of the emotional bullshit has gone away?
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Really the best thing to make you feel better is to go out and get drunk and fucc mad slutz.
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Real talk.
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Agreed. When someone fucks you over its time to get drunk and bang bang bang. Then you can think a little more clearly...
just make sure you wrap it.
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What's the best way to handle it when a girl you're dating (briefly, nowhere near the relationship stage) just randomly decides to up and start completely ignoring you?
I saw this girl a couple times, and it was going really well, I thought. (Several hours of topless make-outs. Saying she had a really good time when she kissed me goodnight.) And then I never see or hear from her again. Ignores my txts and my IMs and emails, no warning or explanation what so ever.
I mean, am I off base to expect a little courtesy? Even just a token "I changed my mind. Fuck off." would be fine by me.
Thoughts?
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Well, depending on how long it's been, some people think it's important to play this silly little "hard to get" game the first few days after a first date. I would suggest backing off a little, waiting a few days, and then giving her an actual phone call (novel, I know). If she's still ignoring you after that, then she probably isn't interested and you should just forget about it and move on.
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or she could actually be really busy....
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I'm only asking out of curiosity and for future reference. The girl I'm refering to, that was like seven weeks ago when it ended.
@axerton: No one is that busy.
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What's the best way to handle it when a girl you're dating (briefly, nowhere near the relationship stage) just randomly decides to up and start completely ignoring you?
I saw this girl a couple times, and it was going really well, I thought. (Several hours of topless make-outs. Saying she had a really good time when she kissed me goodnight.) And then I never see or hear from her again. Ignores my txts and my IMs and emails, no warning or explanation what so ever.
I mean, am I off base to expect a little courtesy? Even just a token "I changed my mind. Fuck off." would be fine by me.
Thoughts?
I have done this a couple times. It is because I am a terrible person.
Really. Each time, I'll go back and reflect on it, and I'm like, "Why did I do that?" And I think, It is because you are a terrible person, Clara.
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Realizing my post was not very good advice.
Usually it boils down to me being a terrible flake + terrified of commitment/intimacy. Dunno what is on your lady's mind, but that is what was on mine. I recommend moving on, and then in a little while, calling her out on it. You are not going to get an apology atm, because apologizing would require interaction. (I can apologize in her stead, if you prefer.)
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I'm way over it. I just like to understand things.
Thank you Yunior, I hope you're right. I'd certainly like to think that the reason she fled was because she was afraid of falling for me, rather than because she just suddenly decided I was repulsive. Much kinder to my self-esteem.
Probably never know for sure, but what you said fits.
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So I was with my girlfriend today. When she first came over no one was home and we messed around in my room. Soon after, my entire family decided to come home at the same exact time, and even though they were pretty cool about it, my brother just told me he's buying me condoms. Do I thank him? Because I can't imagine things being any more awkward than the way they are.
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I would thank him once he gives them to you, I mean, either he was joking about it or actually looking out for you. Also, they are kind of useful to have.
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I know he cares, but it doesn't change the fact of how weird that was. Also, I have condoms.
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for future reference. Target and Walmart have the cheapest condoms. about 5 or 6 dollars for a 12 pack.
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for future reference. Target and Walmart have the cheapest condoms. about 5 or 6 dollars for a 12 pack.
That's how my younger sister got pregnant. I was almost an uncle.
Please, don't buy discount condoms. :roll:
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I didn't see any discount brands there, only trojan and durex, which I think are pretty reputable.
I think the discount brands are the weird lambskin ones you can buy at shady gas stations and 7-11s. I wouldn't recommend those either.
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usually lambskin condoms are more expensive...weird.
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sexxxxxxxxxxxx
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I've always found it disturbing that you can get free condoms from the reception desk at my college.
I mean, we're a small college. The receptionists know everyone by name, not to mention many of the parents. It's almost as awkward as the fact that you can get a free STI test from them... and they text you the results. "Hi from Student Services. You have chlamydia!".
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I live right next to a hospital, and they give out free condoms.
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Okay, I have another question. This is a multi-faceted issue and IMO deserves a multi-faceted answer. In other words, this is NOT a yes-or-no question.
Anyway, somewhere along the line recently I must have decided that I wasn't going to spend any money on trying to meet a girl (IE dating site subscriptions and dates themselves, etc.), until I have my own money to spend.
I'm not there yet but I will be a professional machinima creator once I start turning a profit. Right now my dad is still supporting me.
So my question is, am I being silly? Is waiting until I have my own income (note: we're not talking financial independence here, that's a ways further off, like a couple years further off) to pursue romance really necessary? Or am I imposing a social restriction on myself that doesn't really exist?
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Yes and no
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Ok, serious answer: depends. Like, I think that you need to talk to your dad and find out how comfortable he is financing you and if he has any problem with you taking girls out on dates with the money he's providing you with.
If he is ok with it then why not?
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Also: machinima is that animation/game app thing, right? People make money from that? How? I am curious but also skeptical. Like, if you are using it to learn more about animation techniques or film techniques or something and hoping to get a career in gaming or professional animation then that is one thing, but I wouldn't have thought there'd be much in the way of professional prospects for machinima creators?
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How long do you think it will be until you start making a profit out of it? Do you think you can potentially go that long without finding a lady?
I don't really get what you are asking, because you have already made the decision to do this, and the internet saying "man you are stupid, spend money you don't have on fuckin' okcupid already" is going to change yourmind.
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@est
Me and my dad are pretty cool. I already know that he is fine with financing me (so long as I promise not to become a bum and rely on him indefinitely lol) or with me going on dates (or bringing them home). We have a very roommate-ish thing goin'.
He's not the issue at all. It's me. I guess what I want to know is, is there any validity to the feelings of inadequacy I have because I'm still on allowance even though I'm almost 20?
@Eris
I haven't made the decision. This is just something I've caught myself doing.
Anyway, I'm not sure, anywhere between 2 and 4 months, I think. And can I go that long? Well obviously. Do I want to? Hell no. I haven't had sex in a year and all I have had is a smattering of bad dates.
I just want to know if I'm justified in handicapping myself or if my self-impossed isolation is folly.
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On the one hand there is something uh, decent(?) about not wanting to go on dates and such until you can support yourself, but on the other hand so long as you are not buying $300 bouquets of flowers and stupid shit like that then there is no harm in taking ladies out on dates either.
If you can find yourself a decent kind of gal who doesn't need to be showered with gifts every date/week to know you feel for her then you should be fine, and honestly if you try dating a girl and she is uppity about you not having much cash then it's her problem, not yours.
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That's me. Decent. I'm so decent in fact that I have a bad habit of opening with the stuff most people like to lie about. Like my lack of income. :roll:
Its not that big of a problem because as soon as a girl reveals herself as that kind of whore, I'm all, "BuhBye." Like you said, her problem not mine.
As a sidebar:
I realized something else.
I have a standing policy of no sex outside a committed relationship (because I don't want to be used for one, and for another, because my OCD doesn't let me get intimate with anyone I don't implicitly trust.)
Then I realized that I define a "committed relationship" as "exclusive sex" which basically means I can only have sex with someone I'm already having sex with, creating a ridiculous bootstrap-problem, making me celibate without me ever wanting or deciding to be.
*facedesk*
And back to the first issue:
I worry than even the decent girls will be put off by my parental-financial-situation. Should I be?
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you won't know until you date them
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Keep in mind that at 19 a lot of people's financial status and life goals are in a state of flux. I've been out of high school for very nearly a decade now and my "big accomplishment" so far has mostly been to avoid crippling levels of debt. That's hardly amazing, but it also doesn't make me much different from millions of other perfectly nice people out there. Believe me when I say that you still have some wiggle room here to put yourself out there without every decent woman on earth thinking "This dude is just a parasite". It's admirable to put obligations ahead of things that "merely" make you happy, but I don't think foregoing dating is really all that realistic or healthy, particularly since you're relying on your father regardless of whether you date or not. I do think you should get at least a part time job though. I say that not as a comment about your machina goals, but just as a general observation that your financial situation is bringing you down. In my admittedly limited experience, it's a lot easier to manage your time than it is to manage frustration and self-doubt. Being stretched for time sucks, but it beats the pants off of feeling inadequate.
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There's a lot of really helpful and supportive people on these boards. Just saying.
So update on cute girl I used to continuously run into. Last night, through communication over the phone, we had meant to go see Boys Noize but we failed at getting tickets. So instead I organized a barbecue type situation with a bunch of my friends, and she came and hung out with us. Then later we went out and I invited her along and she came. We ended up in a friend's flat and were there watching silly cartoons until 5 in the morning. Then we both walked to our separate homes.
This is good signs right? Or am I heading for the 'just friends' thing?
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Did you offer to walk her home? If so, what was the reply/exchange like? Even if her place is just around the corner, sometimes you can use the offer to walk her home as a way to show her you're interested, and how she replies is kind of indicative of her thoughts on that.
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Yeah see, that's the part I was hitting myself over. We kinda just hugged and went separate ways. I was a bit out of it, cause of the time / drugs, and it didn't cross my mind until like a minute afterward.
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I think that now is a good time to start asking her what she's doing in the afternoons or evenings via text message. If you send the message "I like the idea of hanging out with you whenever we get the chance," that's ... well, to be fair, it's probably the most accurate way of expressing your feelings right now in any case. If you make a reasonably regular effort to keep in touch with her and make sure the two of you don't miss opportunities to hang out with each other while doing something you both enjoy, that's basically the best possible approach (in my opinion) towards expanding your shared interests to include each other, and that's what makes a successful start to a relationship, so if I were you, I'd handle the situation from here on out by trying to make a reasonably consistent effort to let her know whenever you're doing anything interesting, or offer to create something interesting to do with her if there's nothing going on, whenever opportunities for either arise.
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Dang, I hate those moments. I wouldn't sweat it, there's gonna be plenty more opportunities to let her know you're interested. I kind of agree with Joe in that you should definitely make an effort to invite her along when you're gonna be doing something interesting/fun, but I don't know about the whole finding out what she's doing in the afternoons/evenings thing. Not sure if I have an accurate gauge on your relationship with her at the moment, but to me it seems a bit too full on for now? If you invite her out to fun things and she starts doing the same before you can let her know you're interested then that's probably a decent enough sign in itself.
The key thing though if you are worried about falling into just-friends territory is to make a move so she knows you're into her. Like, I am not saying that you just come out with it or anything like that but girls aren't mind-readers either. If you start hanging out with her a lot and you don't make your intentions clear at an appropriate time then she will probably just think you're looking for a friend.
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@Alex C
That's really good advice.
I still can't bring myself to throw away $150 for the freakin' chemistry.com subscription, though. :-(
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Correct me if I'm wrong but I've always thought of dating sites as being marketed towards people in their late 20s/early 30s or divorcees/widowers in their middle age who have lost their dynamic social circles and don't really have any other way to meet potential partners.
If you're twenty years old, you don't need a dating site subscription. Just put yourself out there and meet people!
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don't really have any other way to meet potential partners.
Exactly.
Just put yourself out there and meet people!
Right. 'cause that's worked so well. I am so tired of hearing this bullshit. Its empty words at their worst.
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Well if I remember correctly, you asked us for suggestions of things to do to meet people and all that, and then shot down every single suggestion we gave. Bullshit or not, the point still stands that getting out into the world means you're going to meet more people and maybe find something in common with one of them and attraction be added to the mix.
I guess doing the dating site thing is what you want to do, so do it, but you will be doing what most people do, just in the comfort of your own home. You will be putting yourself out there and hoping to find someone interesting and get to know people, just like going to a pub and talking to the cute girl who seems a little interested.
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It's the easiest thing to say if you're a social dynamo though. It's kinda like being able to say "It's easy to support yourself, just get a job!".
Strictly speaking, it is true, but the chances are the person you're suggesting it to has tried that approach and is getting increasingly frustrated with the same attitudes over and over.
While 'get out there and meet people' is a great summary, on it's own it's pretty useless to a person who is clearly getting quite agitated with their circumstances. It's not really advice unless you tell somebody how to accomplish it. It's like telling a man to fish for his dinner, then not telling him how. He's never gonna catch a fish.
Unfortunately, the easiest way to meet new people and make new friends...
...is to have friends.
Friends are pretty useful as a social tool when you want to meet new people. Unfortunately, if you don't know anybody, it gets a lot tougher.
Other good ways to meet new people are to be attractive or charismatic. But again, if you're suffering from 'lonely person who needs to meet people' syndrome you're likely not either of those things. Two more things right there that are easier if you already have friends and the know-how.
I'm going to offer some advice.
Join a dating site, they work for an awful lot of people. Find an activity or sport you like too, join a club. I think your dad would support that financially if you explained it was to become happier as a person and meet new people with a common interest. Stick around, chat to people. Ask about stuff. Once people see you're interested in their lives, they'll probably warm up to you. Extending your network of friends is one of the best ways to meet new people and meeting new people is a good way of meeting girls.
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Instead of paying to try dating sites, try the women seeking men section on craigslist, or put up your own personal ad, i believe its free. I think dating websites like match.com and chemistry.com are geared towards older people, like young professionals, who no longer have a high school or college atmosphere to take advantage of. You won't find too many girls 18-21 there who aren't looking for older guys.
Also, don't be so negative all the time. if what you're doing isn't working, it doesn't hurt to take someone's advice and just put yourself out there. Sure you'll have to deal with some rejections and setbacks, but its better and more proactive than sitting at a computer wondering why some girl hasn't responded to your messages.
edit: I think Sox hit it right on the head with the club joining idea.
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@Eris
Yes, and despite that, you're still feeding me the same bullshit. How many times do I have to...
Also, there's no such thing as a pub. :x (for all intents and purposes of this discussion anyway)
@Sox
Thank you so much for making that point for me, because I've been slapped in the face with that crap Ballard and Eris said so many times I don't think I could have responded calmly, as you have. Thank you.
And you're right about friends, too. The problem is, I don't really have any. I mean sure there are a couple of people who'll call me once or twice a month if they need an extra body, but I'm an afterthought. This has been the case since high school pretty much and I've never met any new people that way. But, they're not really my friends.
For the most part, I have social contacts on the level of someone who's just moved in from a foreign country, even though I've lived where I do pretty much all my life.
Hence why I have joined several dating sites. Even subscribed to some of the cheaper ones like SoulGeek. I just haven't gone "active" in my search because of the reasons I've stated in previous posts (financial situation etc.).
As for joining a club, I would really like to do something like that, but the problem is there simply aren't any such things. Let alone any involving any of my interests. Or if there are, my years(yes, years) of searching haven't turned them up (quite possible), and I have no way of discovering them.
Your advice is good, but I'd have to have a network of friends in order to be able to expand it.
@nobo
*takes a moment to keep from flying into a rage at having to repeat himself AGAIN*
deep breath deep breath not nobo's fault deep breath deep breath
Okay, I'm good.
I've done the craigslist thing to death. Its worse than useless. Maybe is just my region but craigslist is just not a viable option. young professionals, who no longer have a high school or college atmosphere to take advantage of
IE, me. Not that the scholastic atmosphere ever did me any good.
I'm not negative all the time, and as Sox pointed out, I'd love to take someone's advice and put myself out there, but I've yet to actually get any real advice on that particular matter. I'm not a moron. I can list the cliche social spots as easily as you can. All the stuff that occurs to you in the minutes after reading my post I've had years to brood over, and what's occured to you has probably already occured to me.
Given that, and given that I'm still asking for advice, it should be obvious that I don't want to hear more of those same tired, mass-produced tidbits of so-called wisdom.
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If years of reflection has not let it occur to you what you should be doing, and everyone's suggestions are useless, maybe this thread is not the place to solve your problems.
Or maybe you are being a dick?
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I think the idea of "putting yourself out there" doesn't necessarily have to mean doing new things, joining clubs or even going to new places. Everyone goes somewhere at some point, even if it's just shopping or to the doctors, and there are always other people there. If you are looking to make new friends (I won't pretend to believe that your local grocery shop will be full of attractive young single girls waiting to be chatted up because mine sure isn't) then try striking up casual conversation whilst waiting in a queue, even if it's just to comment on the weather or how long it's taking the cashier to scan the items. It can be really awkward and embarassing doing this at first (I hated having to make small talk when I started my job) but the practice comes in handy, and when you're talking to strangers you'll never see again then it doesn't matter if you hate them or they think you're crazy or whatever. On the other hand if you get along with them ok, and see them again a few times in the same situation, then it might lead to meeting people.
I guess my advice is to think about where you go in your everyday life, and try to talk to at least one new person in one of those places. Don't set yourself a goal of making a new friend or getting a girlfriend, just start sending out social feelers and it might lead to eventually finding someone awesome.
If you don't think this will work, please just don't follow it. I'm not pretending to have all the magic answers but you could possibly start by not being rude to people when they are trying to help, even if they're miles off base in your opinion.
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Also sounds like you don't want to move out of your comfort zone even a little to try and do anything or meet anyone. Would you like to expand on what your interests are? You say there is nothing in your area that is a viable option, maybe someone else can help find something that you might have overlooked?
As it stands we don't know you from Adam and are hence forced to speak in broad and general terms. Acting like an insufferable fuckwit isn't going to get you advice more helpful than "you're a wanker" and based on your posts thus far might be an indication of why you don't have many friends.
Yes I am being a cock to you even though no one should ever be a cock to a stranger but you've really shown very little interest in taking any of the responses or suggestions (general though they are) into consideration and you seem to be just shooting them down as soon as they are suggested. If you don't want any actual advice (again keeping in mind that we don't know you that well and so can't give you any kind of tailormade advice) then you might want to try the blog thread instead.
Also libraries are good places to meet people in. They're quiet, indoors (which I know you'd like) and there is conversation material all over the actual shelves. There is also the added bonus that if you can't find anyone to talk to then at least you'll be able to find a good book.
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@nobo
*takes a moment to keep from flying into a rage at having to repeat himself AGAIN*
deep breath deep breath not nobo's fault deep breath deep breath
I'm starting to see why you're having trouble dating. If you act IRL like you act in this thread then you're bound to be single for a very long time.
That said, try speed dating.
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I'm not a moron. I can list the cliche social spots as easily as you can. All the stuff that occurs to you in the minutes after reading my post I've had years to brood over, and what's occured to you has probably already occured to me.
Ok, then try helping yourself and stop being a twat to people who are trying to help you.
Seriously, you're fucking 19 years old, and every time someone suggests something you say that you've done it to death and it doesn't work. So, here's a suggestion: realize for a second that you're young and the sum total of your experience is not quite so vast as your poor tortured brain has made it out to be. Those things that don't work? Try them again. If they don't work that time, try them again. Keep trying them, because maybe you'll get lucky and things will work out for you. But don't just be a snappy dick to everyone who suggests things to you, particularly when you come asking for help with little to no context.
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@nobo
Look, this isn't even the subject I inquired upon. Someone else brought it up, and yes, I'm acting like a dick, but I only have one pet peeve and THIS is it. This exact conversation. So, no I don't tend to act like this, except when this same bullshits is started for the zillionth time.
@supersheep
You're probably right, but if that's your opinion, suggestions would be more helpful than insults.
@Barmymoo
Good advice, but also something I already try to do (and fail miserably at).
@Jimmy The Squid
Maybe it sounds that way, but it isn't. Maybe someone else can help me find something I overlooked, that would be awesome, but who? You? My pathetic excuse for a social circle? My sister's imaginary friend?
I realize I'm coming across as an insufferable fuckwit, really, but so would you if you've been through this same forsaken conversation so many times, and gotten only insults instead of suggestions, and yet more insults when you complain about the lack of suggestions. I don't even care that you guys are throwing insults. I probably deserve them. Whatever.
All I ask is that if you're going to insult me, follow it with an actual suggestion so you don't come across as a hypocrite.
@Dazed
Repeating myself again. This wasn't even the subject I inquired upon. And I'm going to ignore your ageist bigotry.
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We weren't insulting you, we were giving you advice. The insults originated from you and were reciprocated.
I don't think you really need to be told any of the things people have been suggesting, you don't come across as utterly stupid so you will have already thought of what are basically fairly simple ideas. There isn't a magic solution to being single, I have been single for over two years (I'm a little younger than you are) so I can't even tell you how I found my significant other because there isn't one.
Back to your initial point about finance, I don't think you need to worry. If you yourself feel inadequate about something, anything at all, then it could affect your relationships with people but on an objective level, not having your own income does not make you less attractive unless the person you are pursuing is mercenary and shallow.
I would suggest that there isn't much more useful that anyone can say to you, so we maybe should move onto a new topic. I'm sorry if you think you've been insulted; I do just want to say that Dazed wasn't being a bigot when he said that you're only nineteen, people do change over time and new experiences alter the way you react to things. I know that I'm a very different person now than I was two years ago, and I'm equally sure that I'll be different again in another two.
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Well, I don't know if I'd say it's necessarily mercenary and shallow. It is nice having someone with a solid financial ground so you know there will be no leeching, but at 19 this is unlikely to be a as big of an issue as it would be later in life.
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@Dazed
I'm going to ignore your ageist bigotry.
Alright, whatever man. I guess implying that by age 19 you haven't experienced enough to be world-weary and despairing of having exhausted all conventional options makes me a bigot.
Oh, and yeah, finances will be more or less important depending on the relationship and the person, but for the most part shouldn't be that big a deal.
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uh so... if your goal is to meet somebody (since you have no friends and thus are starting from scratch)...
then what solution do YOU propose that does not involve 'going out there and meeting people'?
please tell me because i am a social recluse, and i dislike pretty much everybody. if there is a way for me to meet the awesome man of my dreams without first having to go through the effort of chatting up a bunch of idiots then i am very interested in such a scheme.
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There isn't a magic solution to being single,
I never asked for one.
i am a social recluse, and i dislike pretty much everybody. if there is a way for me to meet the awesome man of my dreams without first having to go through the effort of chatting up a bunch of idiots then i am very interested in such a scheme.
Amen.
But that's not what I asked about, but since that's what everybody seems to want to talk about, how about I hand off my torch to you?
Seriously, I pass the torch to iamiam, 'cause my question has pretty much been answered. There seems to be a consensus that I am placing more worry on my financial situation than I should be, so I'll go and try to worry less and everybody can get back to their favorite subject and try to answer iamiam's post.
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yeah uh my point was the only way to meet neat people is to suffer through annoying people and awkward situations on the way. there is no easy solution.
i used to be like you when i was like, 14. then i got over myself and grew up. now i am actually a very lovely girl who has no trouble meeting people at all.
what a cinderella story right? i wonder how i managed it. maybe i have magic powers or something.
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magic powers of sexiness
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Don't listen, Mai is gross.
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And you're right about friends, too. The problem is, I don't really have any. I mean sure there are a couple of people who'll call me once or twice a month if they need an extra body, but I'm an afterthought.
In my experience there are very rarely people who are just "friends", by which I mean that there will normally be a definite common interest, hobby, activity, etc. Which is why the suggestion of clubs or societies related to your interests and activities keeps coming up. If there really, really is nothing of that sort within easy reach, then perhaps you need to use the Internet to find groups that you can correspond with, but which are based close enough for you to be able to make occasional visits to for special meetings, say (public libraries may have good information about these things, too; well, they do in the UK). Alternatively start planning how to move to somewhere that will suit you better.
In any case, remember that it is not essential to get into a relationship by any particular age, so there's no need to beat yourself up over it - I didn't get beyond your present stage until I was several years older than you are now.
Oh, and the money thing - I would not expect a parent to dictate completely how you spend the money he supports you with. Some of it will be pocket money, though I guess he would expect you to use it prudently.
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your ageist bigotry.
This part right here made me laugh, hard. You are YOUNG, man. And you're older than me.
At this point it sounds like instead of accepting the fact that you are young and don't know everything, you will just call someone an 'ageist bigot'. Amusing.
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Not Quite Goth, don't take this the wrong way, but are you fat? Do you have bad skin? Would you say you own more books with or without pictures? What are you looking for in a woman? You have principles about sex; have you ever had sex before? Are these principles arbitrary? Where do you live that all of these things people suggest are impossible? What do you actually like to do?
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a way for me to meet the awesome man of my dreams without first having to go through the effort of chatting up a bunch of idiots
Don't be so sniffy; not everyone who isn't the man of your dreams is an idiot, and those "idiots" may be his friends through whom you meet him. Anyway, the way life is, when you meet the right man he is very likely to be not the man you dreamed of, but someone quite different in ways that you hadn't previously conceived of.
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So my dude friends were discussing (again) today how guys assess every [non-related] female on a fuckability scale, and how girls inevitably assign guys to one of two separate lists or categories, those being "Potential Romantic Interests" and "Just Friends".
While this is probably true in most cases, it is really annoying to have to hear about it so much! So maybe boys should learn to be okay with being just friends, maybe, because being single is NOT A HORRIBLE PRISON SENTENCE*. Also, maybe girls should learn to put out more.
*This is another thing that bugs me, but I will save it for another post.
(The moral of the story is that sometimes I fuck my just-friends.)
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I think guys just make a "I'd do her" or "I wouldn't do her" decision about every female they see. I think its more binary than a rating scale.
Also, I would add "avoid this creep" as one of the categories girls assign to guys.
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are you fat?
No.
Do you have bad skin?
Yes.
Would you say you own more books with or without pictures?
Without.
What are you looking for in a woman?
A best friend and an eager, exclusive sexual partner.
have you ever had sex before?
Yes.
Are these principles arbitrary?
Probably. (I'm OCD. They're not principles. They're symptoms.)
Where do you live?
Almost exactly half-way between San Fransisco and Sacramento.
What do you actually like to do?
Sleep. Fuck. Eat. Read. Write. Machinimate. Watch movies. Draw hentai. Drive around in the middle of the night when the roads are empty. Practice with my Katana. ...
...
Or were you being rhetorical.
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a way for me to meet the awesome man of my dreams without first having to go through the effort of chatting up a bunch of idiots
Don't be so sniffy; not everyone who isn't the man of your dreams is an idiot, and those "idiots" may be his friends through whom you meet him. Anyway, the way life is, when you meet the right man he is very likely to be not the man you dreamed of, but someone quite different in ways that you hadn't previously conceived of.
you realize i was just making fun and not being serious, right?
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you realize i was just making fun and not being serious, right?
Yeah - but my attempt to carry it on clearly misfired...
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if there is a way for me to meet the awesome man of my dreams without first having to go through the effort of chatting up a bunch of idiots then i am very interested in such a scheme.
Hi (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boeing_737-300), my name is Darryl.
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I, uh, what kind of OCD symptoms do you get about sex?
I'm imagining it's something like "even amount of thrusts/minute" but that sounds a little ridiculous
LOL that would be awkward, but no, its contaminents. I have to know there are no STDs, and I have to know every single place she's been and thing she's touched since her last shower, as well as every where every single person she's touched has been since their last shower. Etc.
I can overcome it if I trust the person with my life, but that's only been one person so far.
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*snip*
Hi (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boeing_737-300), my name is Darryl.
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@Never Quite Goth, I'm sorry, OCDness about sex sounds like it would suck.
On my adventures in the land of relationships, I've been doing what onewheelwizard (joe) and est (?) have been saying, and so far she has shown up at everything I've told her I was up to (well, what I did today), and we + friends have had fun times. Thing is, tomorrow is basically the last time I'm in Edinburgh for the summer, so I feel like somehow I have to make it clear to her that I'm interested. I'm thinking of just telling her something along the lines of 'hey, I've been really enjoying hanging with you, and I was thinking maybe that when I come back we could see more of eachother?' and kinda hope for the best.
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What you are suggesting sounds like a good plan. You are showing interest, but still leaving it open.
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Okay, I have another question. This is a multi-faceted issue and IMO deserves a multi-faceted answer. In other words, this is NOT a yes-or-no question.
Anyway, somewhere along the line recently I must have decided that I wasn't going to spend any money on trying to meet a girl (IE dating site subscriptions and dates themselves, etc.), until I have my own money to spend.
I'm not there yet but I will be a professional machinima creator once I start turning a profit. Right now my dad is still supporting me.
So my question is, am I being silly? Is waiting until I have my own income (note: we're not talking financial independence here, that's a ways further off, like a couple years further off) to pursue romance really necessary? Or am I imposing a social restriction on myself that doesn't really exist?
Why don't you get a part-time job?
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thing is, tomorrow is basically the last time I'm in Edinburgh for the summer, so I feel like somehow I have to make it clear to her that I'm interested.
how bout something along the lines of "you're one of the coolest people i've met here in edinburgh, lets keep in touch". that way you're not putting her on the spot, and you can further your friendship along through email/phone, see if a spark develops, and start things up when you come back to edinburgh?
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I don't know, sounds like there is already a spark. Also being a bit more up front than "let's keep in touch" is probably a good idea as, to me at least, "let's keep in touch" doesn't really sound like you're interested.
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Almost exactly half-way between San Fransisco and Sacramento.
That either puts you in the town I was born, or the one I grew up in (I'm in Sac now).
I guess I have something relevant for the thread.
Through my recent involvement in the local music scene, I've met a girl, a really talented singer. So I've been to a few of her shows now, and we've talked, mostly relating to my access cable show and her possibly being on it.
So it's usually shop talk, and I'm trying to keep it professional and non-creepy ("Hey, baby, I'm a TV producer, wanna be famous!" :mrgreen: ). She's always friendly and sweet, but I recognize that as a performer in public, there's always a mask on (I have several writer friends and I've seen them when they're "on" at a signing for example). It's not like it would be Jekyl/Hyde, just that she's emphasizing the best side.
Well, as oblivious as I usually am, I think I'm detecting some signals. The most obvious being a couple of "we should hang out" comments, but a few other things like extra hugs at the shows, and one time when another performer was playing, I could kinda tell out of the corner of my eye that she was looking at me a lot. That and a bit of good-natured teasing on a couple of things.
So I'm definitely going to follow up on the hanging out bit and see how it develops. It might all just be that I've been put in the safe "just-friends" category and is just pulling me more into her world, and I'm fine with that, she's really cool. There's also the possibly working together angle, so I don't want to do anything stupid in making assumptions just yet.
But yeah. :|
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I'm thinking of just telling her something along the lines of 'hey, I've been really enjoying hanging with you, and I was thinking maybe that when I come back we could see more of each other?' and kinda hope for the best.
So you're gonna be gone for like, three months? Am I reading that right? In any case, I think your plan is pretty good so long as it doesn't turn the situation into something that you both romanticise over the break only to find out it's something different when you get back. Is there a way to visit her over the break in some way, and if not then a way of keeping in contact somehow?
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Also Jimor it sounds like you've got the situation well in hand. I'd just take her up on her offers to hang out, make some of your own and see how things progress. If there's an opening to make a move then do it non-aggressively and see what happens from there.
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Hey NQG, you're in the middle of wine country. Be happy!
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Maybe he is sXe?
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Probably. (I'm OCD. They're not principles. They're symptoms.)
I, uh, what kind of OCD symptoms do you get about sex?
I'm imagining it's something like "even amount of thrusts/minute" but that sounds a little ridiculous
I'd tell you mine, but I'm still a virgin. Knowing my own symptoms, I would imagine that I'd have to do the "thrusts in sets of 4" thing.
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Hey NQG, you're in the middle of wine country. Be happy!
My OCD keeps me from consuming any mind-altering substances. Also I just don't like wine. :-P
Oh man that reminds me of this time I explained that about my OCD to an EMT, and he proceeded to ask if I was taking anything for my OCD. I was like, "Did you seriously just ask me if I'm taking drugs for a mental disorder that keeps me from taking drugs?" I lol'd. (Please don't ask me why an EMT was talking to me, I really don't want to go into it)
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:|
I've never heard that one before. Prevents you from taking drugs?
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NQG, I joined Okcupid when I was looking for friends when I moved to the city. It's free, and there are lots of young people on it. You just have to be careful of the weird and creepy ones.
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It's not OCD but I go out of my way to avoid taking drugs of any kind too. I took an Ibuprofen tablet for a headache that was interfering with my revision a few days ago and realised it was the first time I'd taken painkillers for three years. I've never drunk alcohol (well, unless you count a mouthful of vodka-spiked ginger beer at a party) and I've never used illegal drugs. I don't go to excess with it, I do use medical drugs if I have to, but I physically restrict myself from any other kind of drug. Not sure why, I suppose it's just a fairly strong part of me that I don't want to fight against.
I'm looking for some more generalised advice than specific here, I suppose. As you'll know if you've been reading all my posts diligently and taking detailed notes, I've just watched two series of Sugar Rush and it set me thinking about how people know that someone is of an orientation that would make it possible for them to orientate to you (to coin a phrase). The only way I've ever recognised that a girl is interested in dating girls is because they are... dating a girl. Obviously that makes them about as unavailable as they would be if they were straight. I'm not actually looking for a girlfriend or anything but I would like to know how people tell, generally. It's usually a fair assumption that people are straight, because it's statistically more common. How do you know when that assumption isn't correct? (Please don't say "gaydar" as if that's some kind of answer.)
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I go out of my way TOO take drugs.
Y'all are whack.
Also, if I am engaged in a summer fling explicitly for the purposes of sex and cuddles, how often is apporpriate to call/text the girl.
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It's not OCD but I go out of my way to avoid taking drugs of any kind too. I took an Ibuprofen tablet for a headache that was interfering with my revision a few days ago and realised it was the first time I'd taken painkillers for three years. I've never drunk alcohol (well, unless you count a mouthful of vodka-spiked ginger beer at a party) and I've never used illegal drugs. I don't go to excess with it, I do use medical drugs if I have to, but I physically restrict myself from any other kind of drug. Not sure why, I suppose it's just a fairly strong part of me that I don't want to fight against.
My parents actually do this a lot, too, and I am pretty sure my grandparents would, except that my granddad has awful allergies and has had to learn how to self-medicate against pine trees and bees and flowers and grass and sunshine and fun, so he probably got used to it. My mom has been dealing with blood-pressure spikes lately, which incidentally are not connected to high cholesterol or heart disease or anything that it usually indicates, and her doctor told her (as they will) that here was some medication and that she would have to take it every day for the rest of her life. My mom freaked the fuck out. She got all depressed and started seeing a therapist*, she cried like every day, and jumped even more into homeopathic shit than she used to.
As someone who will probably be on [ADHD] meds for the rest of her life, I honestly don't have that much of a problem with it. I don't understand why the notion bothered her so much. I mean, yeah, I don't like taking pills all that much, and supposedly there are ways to wean myself off my drugs and replace the effect of the medications with behavior modification and stuff, but I honest-to-god notice a physical difference between the medicated-me and the non-medicated-me, and at this point I don't really want to have to re-learn to live with the latter.
So basically, I don't get it. I have no explanation for this anti-medication phenomenon, even though I have noticed it in multiple instances. Anyone got any ideas? Why do people feel this way? How do they learn to feel this way? (because obviously when you are an infant you don't care)
orientate
is not a word.
Try asking them, or bringing up the topic in conversation. Gay marriage is a huge hot-button topic, especially right now! Or mention someone you know who just got married, or something.
*my therapise, tee hee
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orientate
is not a word.
Yes it is, in the UK particularly, though Webster's is happy with it as well.
Summary (http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/orientate)
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I don't think it's a word in the context I was using it in, though (but I was being a tad tongue-in-cheek there, I guess I should have said "be attracted to you").
I think the drugs thing could turn into a full-scale discussion but I know that for me it's partly about control. I'm not going to pretend I have a serious mental health problem like anorexia or OCD, because I don't and pretending I do would be insulting to people who do, but I do seem to have a bit of a thing about remaining in control of myself. I'm happy to put up with a bit of pain, say from cramps or a mild headache, in order to know that I'm not relying on any kind of medicinal crutch to get through it. It isn't a criticism of people who do use drugs, in fact I admire people who are able to use drugs of any kind without losing their self-control. I can fully understand why the idea of being dependent on medicine for the rest of your life would be frightening; particularly for people who have never needed to take pills or wanted to experiment with drugs, the idea of letting a doctor control what your body is doing is a little unsettling (even if it's for the better in terms of health).
To bring this back to relationships, I'm not looking to get married! Although your point still stands, asking someone or bringing it up in conversation is a good way to gauge I guess. But there's a fairly large leap between not being homophobic, or indeed being in favour of same-sex marriage, and actually being gay.
My biggest problem, if you can really call it a problem, is that I'm never sure with girls I get on with really well whether they're just being friendly or they're attracted to me. To give an example, I have a friend who I've known a few years and I see every summer. When we first met we clicked immediately, intesely, and spent several days and most nights (it was a residential music course) together. She would put her arms round me, hold my hand and stuff. All of these things I would have considered to be a hint that someone was attracted to me, if that someone was male. The fact that she is female made me feel it was more likely that she was just being friendly (and she was; she's straight). Particularly with girls, particularly with younger girls, sexuality seems to be fairly flexible and for a lot of people unclear and undefined until they're adults, so it seems to be a matter of just testing the water and seeing what happens.
I seem to have answered my own question there. Also apologies for the amount of talking I'm doing; I've got into a rather lyrical mood from all the notes I've been taking.
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orientate
is not a word.
Yes it is, in the UK particularly, though Webster's is happy with it as well.
Summary (http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/orientate)
But it's just a bastardisation of "orient"! Bah! It's like how my cousin the kindergarten teacher complains about little kids who say "conversate" because it was made up in some rap songs and has permeated popular culture. I am sure that it will be in Webster's, too, just like "bling" is.
Also I don't know if anyone else has realised this, but I am a linguistics major. Linguistics is the study of languages, phonemes, phonics, syntax, grammar, and, specifically, the evolution and change of languages over time! I haven't yet figured out how to resolve my supposed passive observation of people's adaptation of language to suit their individual (if ridiculous) needs, and my desire for people to stop making up ludicrous words when there is already a perfectly serviceable one right there!
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Strangely it seems that the people that take an active interest in the evolution of language are the ones that are the most anal when language is being changed.
Je ne parle pas Englisc!
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Also Barmy, that's true about chicks versus dudes in terms of affection. Something overt like holding hands would, unless you are around children or playing a game or whatever, be a perfectly viable candidate for consideration as romantic. Maybe this is just me, though. However, I have seen a lot of girls hug boys and each other and basically everyone and mean nothing but platonic affection either way. I personally have never been able to tell with a girl whether she is interested in me or not until she actually mentioned it directly.
Then again, there have been more dudes than I can possibly count or remember who have misconstrued my enthusiasm for a good conversation or my forthrightness or my openness for flirting. Supposedly this is because they read too much into it because they are conditioned to respond that way for most chicks, and most chicks do not strive to be as two-dimensional as I do, and they suddenly find me sending them mixed signals. Maybe I am just kind of dense.
Anyway, testing the water seems like a good idea. Maybe there just isn't a better way, who knows?
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Katie, I am sure that your linguistics major means you know a lot about language (more than I do certainly) but you need to remember that we don't actually speak the same language. My idiolect has been Americanised thanks to these forums but I'm still out-and-out English in my phraseology and sometimes I forget that words that are used over here don't even exist on the other side of the Atlantic.
That said, I didn't realise orientate really was a real word, I just used it because I like the sound of it. Also because I was poking fun at myself.
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I don't mind bling because it's just a good ol' fashioned ideophone copped from other pre-existing forms of media and as such it makes a certain amount of sense as slang terms go. Conversate, however, just hits me as kinda dumb.
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Synonyms are not the same thing as what I am talking about. I also already addressed how silly this quirk of mine is here (http://forums.questionablecontent.net/index.php/topic,22630.msg822513.html#msg822513).
This is a thread for relationships and relating to people! I was actually not trying to derail this one!
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Also I don't know if anyone else has realised this, but I am a linguistics major.
And my mother ran an English department. :-P As you say, language changes. There is no point trying to resist this very much, though one may regret the loss of certain nuances - but if one looks, there are others being gained. And we all have particular likes and dislikes - myself, I particularly dislike the use of 'aggravate' for 'annoy'. As for 'orientate' vs 'orient', this is strongly a UK vs US thing; my background (UK Public School, Oxford University, and such-like) taught me to use 'orientate' and to feel that 'orient' was actually wrong - it is only through extended exposure to the US usage via the Internet that I am beginning to accept it.
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I'm seeing a possible new thread on linguistics and the differences in English between countries... any chance someone could move our posts to date to a new thread? At any rate Katie's right, let's stop linguisticing the relationship thread.
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I'm looking for some more generalised advice than specific here, I suppose. As you'll know if you've been reading all my posts diligently and taking detailed notes, I've just watched two series of Sugar Rush and it set me thinking about how people know that someone is of an orientation that would make it possible for them to orientate to you (to coin a phrase). The only way I've ever recognised that a girl is interested in dating girls is because they are... dating a girl. Obviously that makes them about as unavailable as they would be if they were straight. I'm not actually looking for a girlfriend or anything but I would like to know how people tell, generally. It's usually a fair assumption that people are straight, because it's statistically more common. How do you know when that assumption isn't correct? (Please don't say "gaydar" as if that's some kind of answer.)
Well, you can ask their friends. Or make friends with someone you know is definitely not straight (even if they have a girlfriend) and get them to take you out/introduce you to people.
Or if you're just talking about meeting people generally of the right orientation, then you can go to specific places. I can't remember if you're still at school or just off for Uni... but there's lesbian clubs/bars, drag and burlesque shows, and a few Unis over here have queer groups, which are a good way to meet people if you're at Uni.
Also the internet is really, really good for this. There are specific sites dedicated to gay/lesbian matchmaking.
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I've just been called about a job interview on Monday. This is all very exciting, but it's at home, which is about 120 miles away from where I live now. If I get offered the job, there are so many things to consider. Mostly the boyfriend.
For a bit of back story, we've been together a year now, and were seeing each other for a long time before that. Recently things have been pretty strained and/or shitty between us, and i'm not entirely sure how moving 120 miles away will affect things.
I guess i'm weighing up having a lot more money against my relationship. My current job pays about £20-£40 a week and makes me feel like shit, even though I kinda enjoy it. This new one - if I even get it - will give me a lot more disposable income, but will put me so far away from the guy I care about. I do have a car now, so I could go and see him pretty much whenever I want, but I don't know whether to just cut my losses and leave him, or try and make it work from far away.
Then there's my friends and family, who, for the most part, want me to move back. However, Gemmwah's moving into the house i'm in at the moment in july. I've been looking forward to this so much, and now in my hypothetical job-at-home world, i'm screwing this all up.
Help me, internets.
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£20-40 a week is crap (also I didn't realise you were British!). I get £72 a week and I'm a part time supermarket cashier.
In terms of your boyfriend, I think even if you don't decide to go for the job you should get rid of him. Obviously I haven't met him or seen any of his good points but from what you've said lately, he seems like he is not treating you very well, not a particularly good person and not the sort of person you will choose to spend the rest of your life with.
There are four reasons people are in a relationship with someone, I would say.
- They are in love, and they think they will stay with that person for the rest of their life
- They are in love, and although it won't last forever they are happy at the moment
- They are frightened of being alone, or dependent on the relationship
- They were in love, and it used to work, but it doesn't now and they're hoping it'll go back to how it was
I'm sure there are nuances but that seems to cover most of them.
If you're with him for one of the first two, stick with it. If it's the latter two, perhaps you should leave him.
Although
Gemmwah's moving into the house i'm in at the moment in july
Don't go anywhere. Stay right there. Do whatever you can to stay. Gemm is awesome.
Oh man did I just hit on Gemm in the relationship thread oh no what will I do now everyone will think I have a crush on her what if they think I'm.... GAY oh god quick quick edit the post
Seriously though, they are two separate issues: whether to move from a (frankly terribly paid) job to a better one, and whether to stay with the boyfriend. If it's really worth working at, you'll make it work. Could he move with you?
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I'm pretty sure it's a combination of options 2 and 3.
As far as I can see, nothing's really changed apart from that he's pretty much given up on leaving the house. He doesn't mind if I can't pay the rent, pay the bills and he buys food and cigarettes for me when I can't afford them myself, but you can't buy love.
He does make me laugh, and we have a good time when we do things together (which is less often that i'd hope), but even that's not a reason to stay with someone.
He doesn't hit me, or in is any way abusive towards me, but we get in huge arguements about little things. He would do anything in his power to stop me getting the tattoo I want because "tattoos are dumb", and lord help me if I like a band he doesn't.
He refuses to make an effort with my friends, to the point where he'll pretend to be asleep to avoid talking to them, but he's admitted to not being able to handle meeting new people.
I've always known we wouldn't last forever and I think I know what I have to do, but it's gonna be really hard because i'm sure I still care about the fucker.
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It's possible to care about someone and not be in a sexual/romantic relationship with them. This honestly sounds pretty unhealthy to me. He sounds like he doesn't have much respect for you. He might not actually be abusive, but if he can't make at least some effort with your friends or belittles you for having different taste in music, that's a pretty clear warning sign. I would say, if you get the job, take it as an opportunity at a clean break. Keep in touch with him if you want, but it sounds like this is not a healthy relationship for you.
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This dude sounds like me circa 2003. That is not a compliment. DTMF.
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Oh, wait, I forgot: I didn't steal things. This guy's worse.
Again, DTMF. (No, I don't mean the telecommunication signal)
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What do you mean?
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Reading a bit too much Savage Love lately?
Dump The MotherFucker
(... I think)
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It's not possible to read too much Savage Love.
Seriously, the dude described in this thread sounds pretty self-centered. He ignores her friends and slags on things she likes and commits petty thievery. She even said he seems to do this sort of thing because in his own mind he's some kind of provocateur. She should dump him; if she finds out she misses him she could probably pick up a similar model without too much effort, since guys like that tend to be chronically single.
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Yeah seriously, it seems like the situation you're in at the moment is: "Shitty job, shitty boyfriend." This shouldn't require too much thinking about. Change is hard even when it has to be made, and the natural instinct is often to take the path of least resistance and not make a change at all, but that won't make you happy. At this point your boyfriend's feelings don't come into it: if he's being a dick, then he's going to get his feelings hurt. That's something he has to learn in life if he's ever going to stop being a dick. Act for yourself and for yourself alone, and grab the chance that life has given you to get out of a bad situation. Ditch the boyfriend, take the job.
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I can't believe I had sex to Christian Death. I mean, I'm sorry, I couldn't find the sex thread, so I just had to express that feeling here. CHRISTIAN fucking DEATH. I actually don't think I've laughed so hard in my life when I found out what it was.
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So the Girl loves me but is considering getting married to her ex-boyfriend/my best friend who is currently on uneven ground. I mean she is really on the fence about it and seems to be leaning against it, but the fact that she accepted the offer in the first place has me really worried about a future without her in it. The only reason she was able to give me for it was that she is nervous about starting a new relationship with me, but she even acknowledges that she might be doing this because she feels she has to and not because she wants to. She has even toyed with the notion of not marrying him and starting a secret relationship with me (normally I would be against this but we are seriously emotionally involved with each other and do not want to hurt him, it's going to be really hard for her not to cheat if she goes through with this). Would I be in the wrong to try and dissuade her from making such an impulsive decision?
He knows I have feelings for her and basically proposed to her as soon as he realized this. His previous long-term relationship ended when that girl cheated on him with is then-best-friend, which is what he thinks is happening despite them being broken up for a month and the fact that we haven't made our relationship physical yet purely for his sake. We tried to be open about what was going on and he immediately reacted negatively. There might not be any way for us to salvage all of the relationships that the three of us have with each other.
For those of you not aware of the situation from previous posts of mine in this thread, this segment is to get you up to speed. He is in Arizona for school right now until at least next April. He gets a one week break every six weeks. He can barely afford to fly her out there, she would get married and come back the same day or possibly the following day, which is also her birthday. Then they would not see each other for at least 13 weeks, as he can't afford to visit on all of his breaks. The reason they are/were exes is because he cheated and the girl he did it with was jealous enough to cause 3000$ in body damage to the Girl's car, which she had to get sell and is now working 60 hour weeks to pay off debts. In essence, after causing her considerable strife, he wants her to stay committed to him through a long-distance relationship.
TL;DR: They might get married; if they do it is for the wrong reasons and reeks of insincerity, neither me nor the Girl are going to pretend like there's nothing between us after the fact, how do I ensure that this marriage doesn't happen? I am tempted to not consider his feelings because he is being rather irrational and is using his silver tongue to get her to join him in being irrational. She is not excited at all and is in fact dreading it.
Sorry for adding a bunch of drama to the thread, but this is kind of big.
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With this much drama I think the only thing you can do is kick down the church door during their vows, pick her up over your shoulder, and ride into the sunset on horseback.
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What Nobo said.
Actually, if this was a friend of mine, I would have smacked her upside the head and asked her if she was insane. From what you're saying, she will not be happy and that will lead to divorce and even more debt. So...yeah, dissuade her and talk common sense into her.
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No, actually, you should kick it old-school and re-enact The Graduate, particularly the part where the relationship (in the short term, at least) remains ambiguous despite the aborted wedding.
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You should counter-propose to her. It's what they'll least expect.
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Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
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You tell them both exactly what you just told us. That guy is an adult right? Take off the kid-gloves and let him deal with it like one.
I'm always the last person to suggest stepping on somebody elses relationship, I think staying out of the way is the only thing guys owe each other. But in this case, I don't think he deserves your restraint. Say your piece, and leave the ball in their court. You'll get a negative reaction, but there's really no other option at this point.
Seriously, call them both as soon as you've read these replies.
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Honestly, your friends have a really fucked up view of marriage. He seems to think that marrying her will prevent her from sleeping with you, like it's some sort of magic amulet. She seems to think that making a (supposedly) life long commitment to someone she already intends to cheat on is a smaller emotional risk then starting a new relationship. Both of these are really stupid, and will only lead to an unhappy relationship. Do as Sox says: say your peace, say it honestly and completely. When you're done, leave it up to them. If they do this, consider that matter settled and walk away. Honestly, it shouldn't be you to do it. It would be better coming from a friend with more distance. But you have no control over that, and if you're the only one available to point out how stupid this is, then you've got to do it.
Yes, you will leave the old friendships in shambles one way or another. At this point, there's no way around that.
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I have to wait a little bit to call him, he might not even answer until Thursday. Normally I could leave a message or text, but he has Boost Mobile and does not get my texts and can't actually access his voicemail because of how bad the reception is. His phone doesn't even register all of his missed calls. I'm worried he won't even listen. When I tried to explain my side of things last time, he just wrote me off and said, "Well that's okay, because we're getting married." Either way, it is something that I have to do, I just don't know when.
Don't get me wrong, he's not a sleaze, and she wouldn't cheat. She knows she wants to try things with me, but she would never cheat while in a relationship with anybody until it was broken off, which he is trying to use against me by having her commit for life. It would just be very difficult for her to ignore what we already have. If anyone has any other ideas, please put them out there. I have to wait a little bit before acting, so any additional help would be much appreciated.
In case this information matters, this is supposed to be happening on the 18th.
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Hmm. I would say walk away now. What's between them is out of your hands; and how much effort do you want to put into building a relationship with a girl who has already chosen not to stay with you? and how stable could you expect such a relationship to become? If she comes back to you of her own volition, fine - but don't try to change her mind, because that will always leave the uncertainty of whether it's what she really wanted.
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She hasn't chosen not to stay with me, she's thinking about choosing (but still has not actually decided, she thinks she might change her mind because of her feelings for me) to be married so she will have reached a milestone in her life. She doesn't know what she wants or expects from this, so I'm trying to point out all the things she doesn't want. And I would be willing to put a lot of effort into a relationship with her, which is more than I can say about him. She has been carrying the relationship for the entire 2 and a half years, I've put more effort into just being her friend than he has into being with her.
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Sorry, I placed more weight on the second phrase below than the first:
but is considering getting married
the fact that she accepted the offer
So it's still appropriate to explain what a silly decision it would be, and to say how it would be better to drop him and come to you - but then leave her to decide, and continue accordingly.
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I know that the only reason she said yes in the first place is because of his natural charisma. I am one of a very small number of people for whom it doesn't work on, and even then, he's used it on me a couple times in the past which I now recognize. He has the ability to get all of his friends behind him on something and has done so before. He's essentially the head of a large clique, which admittedly sometimes feels like a cult. Like Charles Manson, except he's not actually crazy and doesn't want to kill people. He knows how much control he has over people and has tried not to have anything like that happen, but should she come back to me, I can probably forget about most of the people I met through him. Which I am willing to accept; most of those people were never more than casual acquaintances. I know that probably paints a bad picture of him, but I've always been outside that sphere of influence.
But it makes me a little wary of what I should say to him, because he is more than capable of using it against me.
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Guys I would really like some friends who don't suck. I miss my peeps from the internet, but you guys are not that convenient for D&D or drinking buddies or whatever! The people I hang out with right now drive me nuts. Some of them are passive aggressive. Most of them are melodramatic. Most of them can't stand some of the others, except in large groups, and even if they could be civil just don't make the effort. Most of them have known me for years and yet still look for ulterior motives in what I say and do, or expect me to pick sides in their stupid hissy fits.
I am in classes again, so this helps me meet people, except that I seem to have gotten all the shy people this time, or in the case of my comp class they are all freshman graduated from high school in may. I mean I guess that is better than me being a caricature no one really wants to talk to (that happened last time). And I still have that job, and I have made two friends through that, but one doesn't work there anymore and lives far far away and the other is currently in a bind with his ex-girlfriend and some... complications. I guess I could try OKCupid again, but that was a little bit awkward and creepy.
So basically I guess what I am asking is: when you are broke and have no free time except sunday nights from 5pm to 10pm, how do you meet people? Or should I just suck it up until things change?
*Part two will be: How do I meet people and have them not want to date-and-marry me? That happens a lot. It is getting old.
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I dont want to date or marry you.
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So hi thread.
I'm not quite sure about this. I've asked cute girl out twice: first the "wanna go get a coffee?" method, then the "want to go study together?" method. She has declined both times, but the first time she was all like "oh, we should see about that some other time, I'm really fucking exhausted with school right now" and the other time she said she was getting sick and didn't really have the energy. And, man, I'm not even sure that I've gotten my intentions through. I could go with the OWW-way, but I'm too god damned shy.
What I'm asking, when you were young and shy and wanted to do stuff with a girl/boy, what method did you use, and what method worked?
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I asked people out and got turned down about as often as not.
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Last time I asked a guy out I just said, "Hey, what are you doing? Come do fun stuff with me!" Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
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I'm usually just pretty straightforward about it. Just like, "Hey, so I think you're pretty attractive/smart/fun/cool etc etc. (applicable adjectives may vary). Want to get some dinner or catch a show some time?"
Sometimes it works, other times it does not.
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I think I may have missed something along the way, but what makes this girl worth all this trouble?
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She has declined both times, but the first time she was all like "oh, we should see about that some other time, I'm really fucking exhausted with school right now" and the other time she said she was getting sick and didn't really have the energy.
Sorry to tell you, but in my experience when a girl starts talking in vagaries such as "some other time", it means she's you down gently instead of just coming out and saying "Sorry, not interested."
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How can I find places to go to meet--oh hell what's the point.
*facedesk* *facedesk* *facedesk*
There is no answer to this. It just sucks feeling so helpless to change a hermitian existence.
Ignore me please.
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Relationship thread! I have a few big issues with relationships.
First of all, most of the women I am in frequent contact with are in their twenties to thirties, which would be, obviously, completely fine with me except that it makes reciprocation of any feelings I might have or develop fairly unlikely. I go to an all-male high school (which sucks for this and a myriad of other reasons) and therefore rarely encounter girls my own age. More importantly, I find I'm rarely attracted to girls my age on anything more than a physical level. I also get prohibitively self-conscious when I'm talking to women, sometimes to the extent that I won't even approach them with the assumption that I'm wasting my time.
Solve all my problems plzkthx.
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Fuck everything you can
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The only fundamental flaw in this statement is that, as I have hinted, I am having problems reaching that end.
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How can I find places to go to meet--oh hell what's the point.
*facedesk* *facedesk* *facedesk*
There is no answer to this. It just sucks feeling so helpless to change a hermitian existence.
Prostitutes?
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There needs to be some type of device that will tell me how serious someone wants to get. Like a Geiger counter for love.
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I was talking to The Boy about this issue and we decided we need emotional plasma screens which tell the world what we are thinking.
It would solve a lot of problems.
Ironically, The Boy either didn't realise I was asking him out or did realise and was attempting to tell me without telling me. Either way, our communication failed.
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I'm trying to learn the short version of theatre history from the antique till 1900, and how to analyze plays and performances. I don't really know enough, pretty much because I hate the teacher and because this class was made like last year and we are the first ever to have it and no books exits whatsoever. Goddammit.
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Tyler you should come hang out in Atlanta for a couple of days. You don't have to stay for long (I wouldn't ask anyone to), but there is stuff to do and I need friends.
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I would so do this.
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You could also come up to Ct, where there are two of us!
(I know I don't know you well, but you seem to be in a funk and maybe some new webcest could help? Plus, you seem like an awesome person, and I promise I wouldn't mistake friendship for something else)
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Reed is totally creepin on you.
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Hells yeah I am. I'm sneaky like that.
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Update: so she did want to marry him but not hurt me somehow, but he decided to unpropose because of her and I and I don't think they're friends anymore. I am not sure what's going on because this has all happened in the last few hours. I don't know if he's angry at me, but she's hurt and is going to take a while to get over it. We will still be hanging out as friends in the meantime, and hopefully we can continue where we left off some weeks ago in the next few months.
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I would of believed it better if you guys smoked crack with a monkey in the ending.
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How can I find places to go to meet--oh hell what's the point.
Wherever you live there will be groups dedicated to hobbies and causes that you can join in with. Volunteer for stuff! Do some education! Get a job!
The first step is the hardest because you can't see any ground there - but there is and you're not going to go anywhere without taking it. You might even end up back at point A again in which case, tough! keep trying.
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I would of believed it better if you guys smoked crack with a monkey in the ending.
I'm not making any of this up. I don't really need any help anymore, right now I need to rebuild my friendships with the two of them, if I can.
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Seconding öde's advice. If you're really nervous about trying, I'd even suggest going to whatever for the first 2 or 3 times without the intention of meeting people. Just have fun with whatever the thing is. This way any interactions come naturally with the activity, and you're not worried about whether anything "happens" as you talk with somebody. Then as you get more comfortable with the overall situation over time, who knows?
On my own front...
When I went into the access station to help crew for their own music program, I found out that the singer I talked about earlier here was scheduled as a late addition. (They keep accidentally poaching my acts, lol, but that's all good, it's not a competition, and these artists deserve more exposure.)
What was cool was that she was pleasantly surprised to see me there, and since she already knew me, I was able to act as her anchor during the rather hectic process of setting up for the shoot, answering her questions, etc. All went well, she performed fabulously, and all the staff was massively impressed by her.
After we helped carry her equipment to her van, I stayed outside with her and we chatted standing there for a good 20 minutes. One of those nice "well, even though I do need to go soon... I'm still standing here" chats. :-) (she had a show to get to, I had to get back in for the 2nd taping of another act)
At one point she blurts out the question: "Are you married? Have any kids?" (no and no, not attached at all) She apologized for being so nosy, but I certainly didn't mind! Then it really was time we needed to go.
So the slow dance continues, but the situation is a bit clearer and the working part of the relationship will be out of the way fairly soon. In the meantime, some more opportunities to see what's what. :wink:
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Guys, OKCupid is kind of cool but I'm feeling a bit weird about having joined it because I don't think I want to meet anyone off the internet (excepting you guys because I already know you). It feels like there's something odd about joining a site that is basically speed dating for the web.
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How can I find places to go to meet--oh hell what's the point.
i know i'm maybe the 500th person responding to this and that you're probably sick of advice that feels impossible from your standpoint by now, but if it helps at all just try to keep in mind when you feel frustrated with trying to meet people that statistically, successful people - in any area - always have far, far more failures than unsuccessful people, because it's all got to do not with the amount of times you fail at something but how you respond to it and learn from it. i am pretty introverted myself and i sometimes have a hard time meeting people because i'm neurotic and weird but man, sometimes you just have to push through the bad experiences to find the good ones. ask most people how they came to have their current awesome circle of friends or their current awesome significant other and i guarantee they'll have plenty of horror stories about friends or significant others that ended in heartbreak or cheating or massive differences between them and basically just did not work out in the slightest, and yet here they are today with people they are happy with.
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Guys, OKCupid is kind of cool but I'm feeling a bit weird about having joined it because I don't think I want to meet anyone off the internet (excepting you guys because I already know you). It feels like there's something odd about joining a site that is basically speed dating for the web.
I really hate to say this, But my current girlfriend of the past 6 months I met on facebook speeddate. But found out later we had quite a few mutual friends.
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I have met quite a few very nice boys off OKcupid, one of them is my best friend now. One of them was also Gilead. So you win and you lose, I guess, but it's fun to play the game anyway.
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My girlfriend added me on MSN after seeing me in a members list of a forum that I joined three years previously, never made a post on and subsequently forgot I was a member of. I still don't post there but we're moving in together on Saturday so I guess it worked out ok! The internet is awesome.
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I met a boy on Lavalife, which is an online dating site. Maybe it's only in Canada though? Anyway we dated for 6 months, he was my first love and he is still one of my best friends. The internet is a great place.
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I met my boyfriend through this forum!
the internet is tops.
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Met my boyfriend on this forum, too! The internet can be amazing!
Also, I tried LavaLife before and only met really creepy people, so not ALL of the internet is wonderful, I guess.
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I enjoy being young and innocent. I get to experience things like handholding during movies and first kisses for the first time! It's all so exciting.
Not much else.
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I met my BFF OMG through the internet.
But my gf through friends.
So both ways are good options!
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Through this forum, I have met...
...uhm
Tommy.
-FML
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I enjoy being young and innocent. I get to experience things like handholding during movies and first kisses for the first time! It's all so exciting.
Not much else.
you will most likely get very frustrated with this very quickly
I'll endeavor to enjoy it while I can.
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I met my husband on LiveJournal. No, really.
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I met my wife on AIM. Webcest for all!
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I met my webcest mates on the internet?
But I guess that is kind of the point...
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DEar meebo I am so in love with my sister's boyfriend. Honestly, me and nmy sister aere pretty alike. Whatever the things that my sister and her boyfriend fight about are things I would gladly do(sex,e tcc)
This is a problem! I know he thinks I'm hot and really nice because we met before they did and he was really attracted to me and always says I'm really pretty and makes suggestive comments to me sometimes but he and my sister are super in love and like, this just sucks because even if they break up I cant ahve him and I want them to stay together ecause they're awesome together but I am soooo into him and he's so amazing and we're perfect for each other excpet for my sister but I want them to stay together
what do i do.
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not a damn thing.
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but i am so saaaaaaaad and it'll torment me forever
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Tyler, I love you. Doesn't that count for anything?
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he was really attracted to me and always says I'm really pretty and makes suggestive comments to me sometimes but he and my sister are super in love and like, this just sucks because even if they break up I cant ahve him and I want them to stay together ecause they're awesome together but I am soooo into him and he's so amazing and we're perfect for each other excpet for my sister but I want them to stay together
Do a gender reversal and replace 'sister' with 'best friend' and this is my situation. They're getting married soon (that's right, it's back on again. The unmarriage was not because of the relationship we had, rather that he couldn't afford to get her out there and she was just really anxious and misread it)...oh well.
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Andy, find another boy.
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Andy, find another boy.
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Tyler, I love you. Doesn't that count for anything?
There will always be a place in my heart for you, Katie
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what do i do.
Whatever you do, just make it look like an accident.
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Andy, get a dog.
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What is the best way of getting over a crush that is definitely not going to go anywhere?
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By finding someone else. Not like that's very useful help, but it's true.
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I was going to say "alcohol" but really that's the worst way.
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I am currently in the middle of trying that... Not so good.
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So, I have this thing for a girl in my department, who also went out with us tonight. We spent a good portion of the night looking for some giuyu on allyn street who looked like Brett michaels, but I don't actually know that she likes me. How do I tell without making things very awkwards at word?
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What is the best way of getting over a crush that is definitely not going to go anywhere?
Saying or doing something highly inappropriate and then dying of embarrassment and moving to another town can work.
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or you could just realise that chances are she's no where near as perfect as you currently think she is, if you really want to get over her, concerntrate on all the little things that you don't like about her (if you're honest with yourself there are a few, and you can find more)
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Andy, find a better boy.
Then you win no matter what.
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What is the best way of getting over a crush that is definitely not going to go anywhere?
->
or you could just realise that chances are she's no where near as perfect as you currently think she is, if you really want to get over her, concerntrate on all the little things that you don't like about her (if you're honest with yourself there are a few, and you can find more)
This is often good advice, but many times it doesn't work because the only flaw you can find in the other person and fault them for, even after looking specifically for flaws, is that they don't return your feelings.
In this situation, there really isn't a way to get over it. Ever. It will haunt you for the rest of your life. The best thing you can do, is run. Get away from this person, avoid any and all contact, even mentally condition yourself to be afraid of her. Take your passion for her and redirect it into determination to completely vanish from her life and awareness, and to likewise do your best to never think about her. You will fight this battle with yourself for the rest of your life and must always be mindful, for if you ever suffer a moment of weakness, you will become something you don't want to be, and all you can do is pray that you don't know where to find her if that happens.
<.<
>.>
What?
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I know how you can meet girls. Start playing blues at night clubs. You have a knack for the melancholy.
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what do i do.
sorry dude, but unrequited love is unrequited for a reason. as fun as crushes are, and who hasn't had them on their sibling's/friend's significant others at some point, you have to do the right thing and make yourself get over this guy some way or another. phil's tip on how focusing on little things you don't like about someone will help you get over them is very helpful in this scenario. another way is to just limit the amount of time you see or hang out with him completely, or force yourself to think about something else when you start to think about him. it feels really awful but unfortunately there is a lot of truth to the phrase "out of sight, out of mind".
the thing is (will this make me seem like a bad person?), getting over people is sometimes a lot easier than you'd think if you really work at it. it might feel like it'll haunt you for the rest of your life, and once in a while it does, but honestly in all of my past experiences where i (thought i) was completely in love with boys and couldn't live without them it was just my emotions going crazy and i was always able to eventually get myself to a point where i just didn't think about them anymore, and even when i did it was kind of in a "oh now that we've been apart a little while i guess i wasn't really as in love with you as i thought i was, maybe we didn't need to be together forever after all" kind of way. even if it sometimes doesn't seem that way, there's always other potential partners.
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So, I have this thing for a girl in my department, who also went out with us tonight. We spent a good portion of the night looking for some giuyu on allyn street who looked like Brett michaels, but I don't actually know that she likes me. How do I tell without making things very awkwards at word?
Let me do it for you!
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what do i do.
sorry dude, but unrequited love is unrequited for a reason. as fun as crushes are, and who hasn't had them on their sibling's/friend's significant others at some point, you have to do the right thing and make yourself get over this guy some way or another. phil's tip on how focusing on little things you don't like about someone will help you get over them is very helpful in this scenario. another way is to just limit the amount of time you see or hang out with him completely, or force yourself to think about something else when you start to think about him. it feels really awful but unfortunately there is a lot of truth to the phrase "out of sight, out of mind".
the thing is (will this make me seem like a bad person?), getting over people is sometimes a lot easier than you'd think if you really work at it. it might feel like it'll haunt you for the rest of your life, and once in a while it does, but honestly in all of my past experiences where i (thought i) was completely in love with boys and couldn't live without them it was just my emotions going crazy and i was always able to eventually get myself to a point where i just didn't think about them anymore, and even when i did it was kind of in a "oh now that we've been apart a little while i guess i wasn't really as in love with you as i thought i was, maybe we didn't need to be together forever after all" kind of way. even if it sometimes doesn't seem that way, there's always other potential partners.
I bet he has a weird dick anyway.
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Thanks Tyler, I appreciate it.
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what do i do.
sorry dude, but unrequited love is unrequited for a reason. as fun as crushes are, and who hasn't had them on their sibling's/friend's significant others at some point, you have to do the right thing and make yourself get over this guy some way or another. phil's tip on how focusing on little things you don't like about someone will help you get over them is very helpful in this scenario. another way is to just limit the amount of time you see or hang out with him completely, or force yourself to think about something else when you start to think about him. it feels really awful but unfortunately there is a lot of truth to the phrase "out of sight, out of mind".
the thing is (will this make me seem like a bad person?), getting over people is sometimes a lot easier than you'd think if you really work at it. it might feel like it'll haunt you for the rest of your life, and once in a while it does, but honestly in all of my past experiences where i (thought i) was completely in love with boys and couldn't live without them it was just my emotions going crazy and i was always able to eventually get myself to a point where i just didn't think about them anymore, and even when i did it was kind of in a "oh now that we've been apart a little while i guess i wasn't really as in love with you as i thought i was, maybe we didn't need to be together forever after all" kind of way. even if it sometimes doesn't seem that way, there's always other potential partners.
I bet he has a weird dick anyway.
Andy likes weird things :\ who doesn't?
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The guy with the weird dick. He's sick of the snickering by now.
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I don't think a weird dick would bother Andy, guys.
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(http://i15.photobucket.com/albums/a373/teresias216/938-andy_dick.jpg)
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Get it?
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Pretty funny, right?
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HAR HAR HAR, TYLER YOU SO FUNNY!
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Through this forum, I have met...
...uhm
Tommy.
-FML
Screw you Darrly you met me too! Or do you mean that Tommy is a bad thing, but you have met good peoples too?
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Well, I've met Ian, Zach, Katie, you, Luke and Will. You're all delightful so I can't really make the same joke about any of you guys.
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there is a guy i see a lot when i am walking to work, sometimes he is walking too and sometimes he is in his car but about four or five times so far whenever he's seen me he's stopped and yelled "hey call me!" or "hey what are you doing tonight?" or tried to make small talk with me or some combination of all three, and it is super confusing because at first i thought he was just hitting on me and i sort of smiled and walked away but now that it's happened a few more times i am thinking he may have somehow completely confused me for someone else because how can i call him if he's never given me his number and i don't actually have any idea who he is? or is this just a weird harassment thing dumb guys do sometimes? i kind of want to confront him on this next time i see him but i'm not sure what to say or how to avoid being too rude because i don't actually have any idea what's going on.
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Depends on the woman I'd say.
there is a guy i see a lot when i am walking to work, sometimes he is walking too and sometimes he is in his car but about four or five times so far whenever he's seen me he's stopped and yelled "hey call me!" or "hey what are you doing tonight?" or tried to make small talk with me or some combination of all three, and it is super confusing because at first i thought he was just hitting on me and i sort of smiled and walked away but now that it's happened a few more times i am thinking he may have somehow completely confused me for someone else because how can i call him if he's never given me his number and i don't actually have any idea who he is? or is this just a weird harassment thing dumb guys do sometimes? i kind of want to confront him on this next time i see him but i'm not sure what to say or how to avoid being too rude because i don't actually have any idea what's going on.
I do believe you're being catcalled, although I could be wrong (when I imagine him saying that he's using a distinctive tone of voice) I say be rude, mad rude. If it's all a mistake then he still needs a new pair of eyes.
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When this thread started I was single now im in a relationship :-D go me
The fact im 20 and she only turns 18 on Friday and that we met via myspace are minor details.
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Ugh, why is this so hard? We both acknowledge that we have the Best Times Ever when we are hanging out, and she says the only reason we're not Together is bad timing. The Boyfriend/best friend (outside of her, obviously) is starting to get a little annoyed that her and I have so much fun. Her and I have something so strong that I can almost touch it, and it's taking every ounce of willpower I have to let her go off and marry him and pretend that it doesn't bother me. I've said my piece, so anything else I say to them about it is just redundant whining. Why would she pursue a potentially rocky relationship that she acknowledges isn't a sure thing and not try to explore the almost euphoric bond that we have? I can stay in the role of friend, but it is with the utmost difficulty that I do so. If she chooses to explore our relationship after she's married, I honestly don't think I have it in me to stop her.
I'm sorry to keep bringing this up, but it is really digging its claws into me, and damn near everything on TV is reminding me of my situation and digging them in further.
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i got a feeling (http://dipdive.com/member/iamwill/blog/4430)
The Four Tops already did a song with that name.
It was better (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RXjfE57J8Ps).
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Ugh, why is this so hard? We both acknowledge that we have the Best Times Ever when we are hanging out, and she says the only reason we're not Together is bad timing. The Boyfriend/best friend (outside of her, obviously) is starting to get a little annoyed that her and I have so much fun. Her and I have something so strong that I can almost touch it, and it's taking every ounce of willpower I have to let her go off and marry him and pretend that it doesn't bother me. I've said my piece, so anything else I say to them about it is just redundant whining. Why would she pursue a potentially rocky relationship that she acknowledges isn't a sure thing and not try to explore the almost euphoric bond that we have? I can stay in the role of friend, but it is with the utmost difficulty that I do so. If she chooses to explore our relationship after she's married, I honestly don't think I have it in me to stop her.
I'm sorry to keep bringing this up, but it is really digging its claws into me, and damn near everything on TV is reminding me of my situation and digging them in further.
Have you considered maybe not hanging around these people anymore? Honestly, I know you have feelings for her, but she's marrying someone else. If you can't just be her friend anymore because the feelings are too intense, I'd say move on. Completely. Forget them as friends and get on with your life. Go teach English on Mongolia for a year (http://www.teachabroad.com/listingsp3.cfm/listing/20352) or something. This obviously can't end well, so get out now.
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First, that's not really an option. Second, I was less trying to figure out what to do and more trying to find an answer to this question:
Why would she pursue a potentially rocky relationship that she acknowledges isn't a sure thing and not try to explore the almost euphoric bond that we have?
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Because people (especially in romantic situations) are far from logical. She is probably holding on to what they once had, not what they have now.
Why is it not an option to remove yourself from the situation? It seems like a bad place to be. You will continually be disappointed as she acts like she loves you, but (from the sound of it) will most likely marry him.
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Because there's a decent chance that she will go out to Arizona for 12 days and come back still not wearing a ring. I talked to him a few days ago, and he might not do it yet. He's primarily concerned with seeing her again, and she sees this as more of a vacation than anything else. The odds that they are getting married in the next couple weeks are actually pretty slim. I'm holding on to that, because if we have a little more time, I know she'll come around. We are essentially already in a relationship, we just haven't expressed that physically. She keeps getting closer to realizing that; I can see it in her expressions and hear it in her voice. You can almost smell the restraint.
If they do get married, fine, whatever. But I'm not giving up on this until that's actually happened.
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So it's not that it's not an option. It's that you refuse to take that option unless and until they actually get hitched. Good enough. Still, Mongolia awaits. Just think of her jealousy when you come back with a beautiful Mongolian bride.
(http://www.travelandleisure.com/images/slideshows/200702ss_mongolia_2.jpg)
Edit: I think this picture might be better:
(http://www.worldofstock.com/slides/PCU4803.jpg)
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It's going to be a great day when mainstream cultural norms in Western society finally recognize and accommodate the fact that a person can love more than partner at once.
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Monogamy is just a function of Capitalism and also ingrained into "Western society" by several thousand years of Judeo-Christian tradition..
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It's going to be a great day when mainstream cultural norms in Western society finally recognize and accommodate the fact that a person can love more than partner at once.
I've even tried to bring that up. I'd be perfectly fine with that situation as long as she acknowledges what we have. I suggested the idea to him, and he thought I was joking, so I shut up about it. The fact is, she loves two people but can't act on one of those relationships because of what the other person might do.
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Would you really be fine with it? I mean, that's saying a lot. How excited would you be about the prospect of sharing her?
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Yeah, I would. I care about both of them a lot, although he is making it harder for me to feel that way about him. He's been in purely physical relationships with two women simultaneously before, I don't know why he thinks she shouldn't get the same option. I don't know how excited I would be, but I know she loves me and still loves him and if it'd be easier for her to not have to choose between us, I'd be happy.
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Sounds fair enough to me. I mean, it's always harder in practice than theory, of course, but if you're in that OK-with-sharing headspace, if nothing else it's going to make whatever happens easier on you regardless of all other factors. Being OK with sharing kind of necessarily implies being less upset about not being shared with, so you're in a better position to handle being left out of the equation than this other guy is. That might not actually make you feel better but it's good to recognize.
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He's been in purely physical relationships with two women simultaneously before, I don't know why he thinks she shouldn't get the same option.
This doesn't sound purely physical to me. Fooling around with a couple of people at once is one thing. Having a serious emotional relationship with more then one person is something very different. It sounds like he never really considered the possibility of a plural family before (which sounds like the model you're talking about here), so if that's really what you want, you'll need to suggest it again, make sure everyone knows you're serious, and then give them time to consider whether and by what conditions they could be happy in such a situation. I don't think it's something to rush in to, and if someone feels certain that it won't work for them, you guys need to be realistic about that.
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Because there's a decent chance that she will go out to Arizona for 12 days
she sees this as more of a vacation than anything else.
What part of Arizona in the summer is a vacation? seriously, I live here and people leave the state from May to September.
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She hasn't been on an unsupervised vacation before (excluding Senior Week, which is less a vacation and more of a binge), and she's turning 24 this week, so she wants to do something about it.
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It's going to be a great day when mainstream cultural norms in Western society finally recognize and accommodate the fact that a person can love more than partner at once.
I have yet to see any polyamorous relationship that isn't simply an excuse to sleep around and replicates most of the problems of patriarchal and capitalist society - and that goes for (supposedly) polyamorous feminist political activists as much as anyone. Get rid of sexism and capital and I'll get behind that. Til then, I think that at the very least it is going to be very very hard, if not impossible. In a way I agree with the quote Tommy posted.
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Monogamy is just a function of Capitalism.
Just to say - I was trying to put this in a quotation bubble but I hit italics instead.
I do not necessarily believe this, it is a bastardised Godard quotation.
OK, that's better - I was about to respond, simply: "tripe".
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She hasn't been on an unsupervised vacation before (excluding Senior Week, which is less a vacation and more of a binge), and she's turning 24 this week, so she wants to do something about it.
Seriously? A 24 year old who has never been on a vacation "unsupervised"? The fact that this girl can't make up her mind about whether to marry this guy or hook up with you already suggested that she's immature, but this is incredible. If you want to pursue your "euphoric bond" despite these two giant red flags then actually do something now, not later. Nothing says 'dick' like making a move on a married woman.
Oh, and Andy from Nova Scotia: the solution to your problems is to graduate high school and get the hell out of the Valley (or wherever it is you live, since I'm pretty sure it isn't Halifax). Go to college/university in a big city (or Halifax will do in a pinch). There will be lots of shirtless skinny indie boys for you to have soulful connections with who aren't banging your sister.
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It's going to be a great day when mainstream cultural norms in Western society finally recognize and accommodate the fact that a person can love more than partner at once.
I have yet to see any polyamorous relationship that isn't simply an excuse to sleep around and replicates most of the problems of patriarchal and capitalist society - and that goes for (supposedly) polyamorous feminist political activists as much as anyone. Get rid of sexism and capital and I'll get behind that. Til then, I think that at the very least it is going to be very very hard, if not impossible. In a way I agree with the quote Tommy posted.
That sucks, man! I've seen it work several times, and work well at that. I can only imagine that perhaps the communities or contexts that these relationships happened within were not necessarily particularly supportive of them. Most of the successes I've seen in polyamory, I saw in a single place where it was understood and recognized by the considerable majority of the community ... enough people were getting together and sharing that worldview that a fair number of them just got really good at it. A number of communities like that definitely exist, some of them are just relatively liberal areas of the world and some of them are more localized and deliberately formed (a radical example would be OneTaste in NYC and San Francisco). Interestingly enough, getting rid of sexism and capital tend to be extremely high priorities in places like this.
The people in these places tend to be abnormally emotionally stable and healthy, too. I mean, I would only really expect polyamory to succeed in contexts where that was true, so it makes sense, but that made it worth my while to look into, and I'm pretty happy I did.
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Seriously? A 24 year old who has never been on a vacation "unsupervised"? The fact that this girl can't make up her mind about whether to marry this guy or hook up with you already suggested that she's immature, but this is incredible.
Or she could just be, you know, poor. I haven't really been on a holiday since I was 12 and I'm 26 now, but this is because I haven't had the money or opportunity.
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Wow what an interesting thread.
Dimmukane I dont want to come off that way but you have 2 choices. Either A make your feelings known before she gets married (like now) because I agree making a move on a married girl is being a d-bag. But whatever her answer is you must follow. If she says she wants to hook up with you then yay but be warry of the guy, he will be angry for you stealing his girl. If she says no then you must respect her wishes and move on (I know its hard...trust me!). Option 2 is to just move on and let things between them play out. It sounds like you are straining their relationship a bit, and she has pretty much told you that she is not interested in leaving the guy which is a good hint that she is not going to dump the guy and get with you. I am not saying she wont but again its a hint which is why you have to get it straight with her.
as for the unsupervised vacation, I say everyone shold have one after hitting 18 just so they can at the very least expirence making their own decisions on when and where to go. But mainly to have fun and not worry about their parents looking over their shoulder. I went to italy and greece when I was like 20 and man it was great! I had been living with my parents while going to community college but actually getting out on your own in a foreign place was just liberating and quite an experience. Totatlly worth it if you have the time and the cash.
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We've already kind of resolved the issue. I realized sometime last night that I can have feelings for someone and not act on them. They're not going to go away, but I don't have to obsess over them until I get closure, which is what I was doing, and it was made a little more difficult because it wasn't a one-way thing. The guy she's marrying has had feelings for his first girlfriend for the last 8 years, and he's still going through with this. So her and I are still going to be best friends and whatnot. If something were to happen, I still don't think I could stop it. But I think I can be okay with this happening now.
And mehmeh, about the vacation, she's paid her way through school and had to cover several large debts (totaling somewhere near 20,000 dollars) in the last 6 years. That she has any money left to do this at all is amazing.
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good to hear bro!
@benji: you know I always liked mongolia. perhaps I should visit sometime.
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I seriously considered doing that teaching English in Mongolia program at one point when my professional life didn't seem to be going anywhere and I thought I could use a challenge. I might still do it some day.
The people in these places tend to be abnormally emotionally stable and healthy, too. I mean, I would only really expect polyamory to succeed in contexts where that was true, so it makes sense, but that made it worth my while to look into, and I'm pretty happy I did.
I don't know. I feel like the poly folks I've met have been just as emotionally unstable as anyone, though maybe in different ways. There is a certain amount of emotional awareness that comes from seriously considering forms of relationships outside of societal norms, but that doesn't always lead to stability, nor does it necessarily remove some of the larger blind spots a person might have about their own emotions.
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you know whats weird. I give great relationship advice to other people but I havnt had a steady GF for the past 8 years. :oops:
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The people in these places tend to be abnormally emotionally stable and healthy, too. I mean, I would only really expect polyamory to succeed in contexts where that was true, so it makes sense, but that made it worth my while to look into, and I'm pretty happy I did.
I don't know. I feel like the poly folks I've met have been just as emotionally unstable as anyone, though maybe in different ways. There is a certain amount of emotional awareness that comes from seriously considering forms of relationships outside of societal norms, but that doesn't always lead to stability, nor does it necessarily remove some of the larger blind spots a person might have about their own emotions.
I don't mean to say that I think considering polyamory directly leads to being more emotionally stable, although it may have sounded that way. I think it's more likely to be the other way round. That said, I've probably learned more about my own emotional blind spots through taking polyamory seriously than I ever did in monogamous relationships (which only makes sense given that I haven't been officially monogamous since high school).
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you know whats weird. I give great relationship advice to other people but I havnt had a steady GF for the past 8 years. :oops:
This is because that giving advice is really easy but actually working around the intricacies and neuroses of human relationships is a lot harder. Or maybe it isn't, it's been a long time since I've been in a relationship...
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New twist: she is stranded in O'Hare airport and wants to come back. I will have to see how this plays out.
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New twist: She is using both of you whenever she feels like doing that.
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Um, no. That is pretty damn far from what is going on.
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you sure? cause if i could find a way to stay committed to one girl and get my ego stroked by another without it backfiring on me, i sure as hell would do it
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Yeah, I'm sure. If anything, we are both getting used by him. The only reason they're still together is because she is willing to bend over backwards to make it work, marriage included. He doesn't put a whole lot of work into strengthening their relationship. And I've been putting myself through a pretty emotional gauntlet to let him do this. Anyways, I have no idea of knowing whether or not she's actually coming home, her phone died. If she does, I get a little more time; if not, oh well.
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Dimmukane, after reading your posts my instinct says the situation is not going to end well. I would be inclined to get clear of it by a safe distance.
I know that's not particularly in-depth, nor do I think it's necessarily what you want to hear, but it's my take on it.
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Right now, I'm too tired to care. I already knew it was not going to end well. I've known it was not going to end well since it started. I don't know if I'm going to avoid it, or if I ever intended to. It'll happen sometime in the next few months. I'm pretty sure I know how it ends, too. There's still a window for me to get out of this, but I don't know when that closes or if I'm jumping through it. If I don't, I can live with the way it'll end.
This is what I get for trying to help people. Maybe I should stop doing that.
Note: I'll probably have a wildly different attitude about it tomorrow. It's been that kind of month. Uncovering a lot of things I didn't realize and whatnot.
Edit: Really, it's not as bad as it sounds. I just keep going back and forth between totally fine with this course of events and totally not fine, and I haven't really been posting about it when I am fine with it. I don't know if it's my brain chemistry going wonky or what. Right now I'm not worried about the whole marriage bit, I'm just worried she's gonna wake up on a bench in O'Hare on her birthday and feel terrible about herself.
Double edit: She called, she's not waking up on a bench, but she's waking up alone in Chicago tomorrow on her birthday. She already feels terrible because by the end of this she will have spent upwards of 6 hours waiting in line at customer service to get vouchers, plus she has blisters from her shoes. Trying to quit smoking and can't have a cigarette in line. Turning 24 and about to lose health insurance until she can get a job with coverage. Doesn't know where her luggage is. Waited in the plane to Arizona for an hour and a half before they decided it was canceled. Her fiancee has not answered the phone for either of us, which is probably not his fault, but still. Right now, I'm the only person she's not angry at. The two of us had a fake birthday for her earlier this week, and it was the best day of our lives. Now it's coming up on her actual birthday, and she feels like a failure, and no one can do anything about it. Fuck.
Pants: At least he's not your friend.
Triple edit, if anyone's even reading this page anymore: She finally got out to Arizona. Her luggage got there before she did, and the hotel they put her in didn't have any extra toiletry kits, so she is wearing two-day old clothes and hasn't had a shower since Wednesday and is sitting in Arizona. Also, if she hadn't taken the flight she did (the first one, at 7 in the morning, meaning she got even less sleep than the night before), she would've been stuck again, because the rest out there are grounded due to weather. She's feeling better, though, so thank god that's over.
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When this thread was started I was single. Then with a girl I had known in college. We broke up, now I'm with a different girl, and its pretty amazing. Yay for things working out.
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I think I might be trying to get my friend to break up with her boyfriend who she argues with all the time so I can date her. It feels bad, but I know I'm so much better than this dude.
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just because she is no longer with her dick boyfriend does not necessarily me mean she will or should be with you.
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Yeah, helping her out of a bad relationship is good, but don't assume that she'll just run in to your arms. If it's a bad relationship, she might well want to be single for a while before rushing in to anything new.
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Additionally, it doesn't look like you're in the unbiased position of the 'judge jury and executioner' pose you are saying you want to take. The motive of wanting to date his girlfriend may have somewhat poisoned your perception of him. You might want to at least consider the fact that you don't have all sides of the story, and it seems like you really just are doing it to get with the lass.
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Yeah, considering how much of a dick I thought the guy that ended up going out with this girl I had a huge crush on was without even meeting him, I wouldn't really put too much weight in how you see their relationship.
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Its true I don't have all sides of the story, but I know the dude, he is an aquaintance of mine. He's not really a stellar being. I dunno, girl keeps telling me more and more that she and I agree on that he doesn't like. Also she is miserable if she isn't in a relationship. And she sent me a picture of her in her undies. I am confused.
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Just hurry up and finish off their feeble relationship already. You may have some misgivings about the idea but it beats the hell out of the Saga of Dimmukane. Further, it is entirely possible that she may want to go ahead and date after this. As Benji said, there's a possibility she might not, but it's not really that much more or less likely than the notion that she is trying to trade up rather than get out of a relationship that is outright bad/dysfunctional. Mediocre relationships do happen and sometimes people do in fact segue from them straight into other relationships. With you. Sometimes this takes a nudge.
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Looking over this, I think I might be a bit of a bastard at times.
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Its true I don't have all sides of the story, but I know the dude, he is an aquaintance of mine. He's not really a stellar being. I dunno, girl keeps telling me more and more that she and I agree on that he doesn't like. Also she is miserable if she isn't in a relationship. And she sent me a picture of her in her undies. I am confused.
Okay, well I think I can safely clear part of that up for you:
Unless you have contacts in the modeling industry and she's looking for work, or the pictures were taken at a screening of Rocky Horror, sending you pictures of herself in her underwear is probably a good sign.
My advice? Let her know that you think the dude is no good for her, but admit that you might be biased because you think she's pretty great yourself and you would probably ask her out if she were single. Often, being straight with people is the best policy, and here is a good example of that. If she's afraid of being single, then she might be staying in a bad relationship because she isn't sure that anyone else wants her. If she really likes you, she might actually take the opportunity to dump him and go out with you. If she decides to stay with him, well then, you'll have to sit through the "you're really sweet, and I know he seems like a douche sometimes, but I love him" speech, which'll suck a little, but you'll still probably be friends afterwords.
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honesty is the best policy, but don't go too far as to start using that as justification for being a dick. you've still got to put in the effort to be a decent person too. "i broke up your relationship because i wanted you to myself" might be honest but it still makes you kind of a selfish asshole. i know your situation is more complicated than that and this isn't exactly what your doing, just keep in mind that being honest and being a considerate person aren't always the same thing.
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Thanks for the compliment, Alex.
Anyways, I'm a little annoyed right now. I have this bad habit of predicting how events pan out, and when I'm right about it (usually), I get a little miffed. I figured the first thing he would do when she got there is take some kind of drug with her. So, they're candyflipping tonight, along with a few of his roommates. Normally I wouldn't have a problem with it, except I know that he's going to use his previous experience with psychedelics to convince her that there is some insanely powerful connection between them which is really just the drugs and then bed her. This doesn't bother me, it's the fact I know it's going to happen, because he's done it before with other girls.
Maybe this is why I seem to be having such a problem? That I already know what he'll do and where it leads? Or maybe I think he shows his love the wrong way? The first thing I would do if I hadn't seen my girlfriend for 3 months would not be something that would be largely forgotten the next day. Or do I think he's still stuck in high school? He's done this with basically every girlfriend he's had since 9th grade. Does some drugs, almost marries them (yeah, he's an internet-ordained minister), and gets dumped. I wonder if this is all because I'm getting fed up with him not changing or if it's the fact that it worked and she's at least temporarily playing along until she gets hurt again. Or maybe I broke free of his spell. I don't know. I'm fine with them being in a relationship, yet I'm still angry at him and I don't want to be and I can't pin down a reason why.
The above paragraph is just me getting my thoughts out. I'm not expecting answers to those questions; quite frankly, I'm afraid of what I might get. Does anyone else have this precognition-y problem, though? Knowing, at least vaguely, how things will unfold in both the short and long term?
I probably should have just done what benji said to start with, anways.
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honesty is the best policy, but don't go too far as to start using that as justification for being a dick. you've still got to put in the effort to be a decent person too. "i broke up your relationship because i wanted you to myself" might be honest but it still makes you kind of a selfish asshole.
Yeah, see, I'm pretty clear on why exactly I would want a woman to break up with someone. I wouldn't say "There's other guys out there" without throwing in at least a "like me, and I'm available on Friday. Have you seen Up! yet?" That said, yes, you do basically disregarding the other guy's feelings in this case. Where I disagree with most people is that I don't think that's necessarily better or worse than burying your own. I should mention that I don't go around doing that sort of thing unless the way I feel about things is very strong indeed nor do I go looking for these situations.
Thanks for the compliment, Alex.
Sorry about that, but your situation isn't exactly something I'd want to go through myself. And yeah, actually, I do think a huge part of why you are so unhappy is due to how you don't seem to think he expresses love genuinely/appropriately. You see their relationship clearly in terms of being a one sided thing. Look at how strongly you rejected the idea that she gains a sense of self-worth and gratification from having two guys care about her (I don't think she thinks about it in those terms, but clearly she must place some value in his attentions). You didn't even characterize her reluctance to make a clean break from the situation as anything but some odd, misguided attempt to do the guy a favor. I think you're underselling just how much this guy upsets you, to be honest. Maybe you don't picture yourself as the kind of person who could resent someone this much, but hey, here we are. Mind you, I don't think negatively about you for this; you may have very good reasons to dislike him even aside from the fact that you're interested in the same lady. It's what you do about it that counts.
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I'm not upset about being singled out, I thought it was kind of funny.
You may be right, but I still feel like I'm right about being upset about it. I don't think it's entirely one-sided...or do I? I've been around the entire relationship and he only seems to just barely hold on to her. Doesn't make much of an effort to fix problems in the relationship. The time he cheated on her he was actively trying to prevent both parties from finding out he was seeing someone else, after proposing to her earlier (which she held off on accepting for reasons of practicality). I don't think this marriage is a promise from him to her, but a way to get her to stay with him. He's a nice guy, but I never wanted their relationship to work in the 2 years they've been at it because of how he treats her. Just now on the phone, he was parading her around his apartment complex like an accessory. Which, referring to the earlier post, is something I expected him to do. Which I think is the other side of it. I was drawn to him by his unpredictability, but now that I've had space, I think I've figured him out, and I think I'm getting bored with his routine. So much of what we did feels empty now, and a waste of my time. I don't want that to be the case, though, I want to stay friends.
I'm not upset about the marriage, though, it's the precognition bit that's getting me. She's going to see how strained it really is (and her mother-in-law-to-be is a fucking witch, which even he acknowledges, she's stolen large portions of his tax returns ever since he could file them), and she's going to put a lot of effort into keeping it together. She's ultimately either going to divorce and feel sorry for herself for being like her mother or stay in an unhappy relationship for the sake of the children she's always wanted to have. Maybe it's really arrogant of me to make predictions like that, but my track record in that area has been pretty good. The only curveball I've come across in the past few years is that she actually accepted the proposal this time. And it's not much of a curveball, because she still thinks she's taking a chance on him. The unexpected bit is that she has really weak reasons for accepting (practical and impractical) and is still doing it.
You didn't even characterize her reluctance to make a clean break from the situation as anything but some odd, misguided attempt to do the guy a favor.
She doesn't think it's misguided, but she does think she's doing the guy a favor. "He's had a shitty life, and I don't want to add more on the pile." She essentially places everyone else's interests first and disregards her own. I love that she's so compassionate, but it's going to drag her down in the long run.
TL; DR, I'm fine with them being in a relationship. Her and I are never going to stop being friends. I can take comfort in the fact that I know I can make her happier, and that it took them far longer to make the emotional connection that we have. I'm always going to be a little jealous, because he doesn't know how good he has it, but it's what'll happen in the future that has me worried. I don't know if I'll be around to catch her when she falls.
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Look on the bright side: if the girl falls off a building and you're not around to hear it then it won't make a sound.
That is right isn't it...?
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Pretty cold, but yeah, that sounds at least aurally correct.
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I think my advice would probably be to find someone else who is also special and start sleeping with her. Let the girl who you're hung up on now know that you need to learn some stuff about relationships the easy way for a change (that is, by having relationships that actually show promise of fulfilling their potential, even if that potential might be lower than it would be with her right now), and start seeing girls who are single. If you allow yourself to concentrate on sex for a while, and you form a relationship or two based around sex, somewhere in between all the getting laid and feeling warm and fuzzy you'll find a much clearer picture of what you need in your life that you don't have yet, and that's what's ultimately going to get you out of this mess. For as long as another person represents your get-out-of-jail-free card, you're fucked. If you're going to find a sense of progression in this whole scenario, you can't wait around for other people to figure themselves out ... you need to shit or get off the pot, basically.
Either you bring all the judgments you have of your friend out in the open for the three of you to bicker and probably cause each other a lot of really unnecessary grief over, or you form a connection with someone that can provide some novelty to your life and spend more time paying attention to that than anything else for a while. You're in a shitty situation and your call should not be to simply chill and wait for something to happen.
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She doesn't think it's misguided, but she does think she's doing the guy a favor. "He's had a shitty life, and I don't want to add more on the pile." She essentially places everyone else's interests first and disregards her own. I love that she's so compassionate, but it's going to drag her down in the long run.
I'd say it becomes misguided at about the time it starts causing as much harm as it does good. I rather doubt this guy's life will take a drastic, long term change for the worse merely because she is no longer a presence in it, particularly if your assessment about how much he is genuinely invested in the relationship is accurate. All I'm saying is that she sounds like the sort of person who identifies herself as a selfless, compassionate person and acts accordingly. That's admirable, but it does really mean that you're barking up the wrong tree since she apparently believes that he needs her worse than you do.
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I'm doing that. Not right this second, but that's what I'm trying to do. It's just really hard for me to take my mind completely off of all that stuff, as this thread can attest. That, and a lot of the single women in my area SUCK.
Alex: I've been trying to get her to tone down the selflessness. It was working until he proposed again. He kind of sucks the personal growth out of people.
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So, I had told the girl what my plans were and she was cool with it because I was so upfront. But then I realized that she is stupid because she "loves" a guy who argues with her like everyday (her words) and flat out ignores her if he is with his friends. So I told this other girl I've had a crush on for a while that I've had a crush on her. Not a negative response, just waiting to see how this pans out.
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The girl I am dating is addicted to cocaine.
I am in rehab, for cocaine.
What do I do.
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Heal her with love.
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White Lines (Don't Don't Them )
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So
Man the way you play Love is similar to the way I play Diplomacy.
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dear relationships thread,
so i am sort of trying this polyamory thing. (no, i was not pressured into it because my boyfriend wants to bang my hot best friend, it was my own choice) except i'm...not actually that keen on going out and meeting lots of cute indie boys at this point in time.(or cute non-indie boys, whatevs) maybe i am doing it wrong?
love,
anna
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Polyamory doesn't imply that everyone needs to have multiple relationships. If you're happy with how things are going, you're doing it right. Don't put expectations on yourself.
If your friend is only seeing one person, and you're seeing that person too, and that's a sustainable arrangement, more power to you guys. If either you or your friend want to see other guys too, it's only fair that you should have the option, but that doesn't obligate you to it.
It is very important, however, that you be aware of the possibility that this arrangement may transition into something more complicated quickly. Maybe you'll find a fun new boy and your boyfriend will get cold feet about sharing you. Maybe your friend will find a new boy and your boyfriend will show more attachment to her than you feel comfortable with (or maybe he'll display that attachment even if she doesn't see anyone else). Maybe your friend will end up getting attached to your boyfriend. There are any number of ways that this could become more difficult than you probably desire. Don't be afraid of them, though ... the difficulty just translates into learning when all's said and done, and the reward of learning from this kind of stuff is definitely worth the trouble.
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?
love,
anna
stick it in tommy's pooper
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When I am 60 I will be telling my tiny grandchildren to 'stick it in her pooper' and then laughing to myself about a joke that was funny for a little while a long time ago.
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hey james, will you be my fake internet boyfriend y/n?
tommy is too british and not attracted to me at all, and it just wouldn't work.
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(also insert predictable joke about tommy being a whore here)
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It's a choose-your-own-postventure adventure!
Choose from:
- Only if I can bang with your hot best friend as well
- Anna I totally internet fake broke-up with you months ago. Didn't you get the memo.
- We've got to stop meeting like this.
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Surely you're not forcing us to choose only one
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this is MY adventure, and i choose option one.
you can totally have my hot best friend, if you don't mind the fact that my best friend is a dude.
so what happens next?
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Hey, Anna.
How you doin'?
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Everyone comes over to my place, we drink the bottle of wine sitting on my table, and we stick it in his pooper.
We'll go our ways and not talk again.
Seven years from now I'll wonder why I can't get it up anymore and realize I'm gay after all.
Eight years from now I'll get a divorce. My children won't talk to me ever again.
You know nothing about any of this, instead living your own life happily ever after.
Until you get hit by a truck crossing the road one day with a bag of groceries in your arms. The watermelon shoots higher than you'd of expected, but then again you've never had the chance to see a bag of produce tossed into the air as a result of an unexpected dialog with the front of truck. There are so many seeds in a watermelon. Too many to count that quickly.
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god, i've forgotten how depressing you can be sometimes. now i'm starting to think i should have picked the "get the memo and move on with my imaginary love life" option.
why, hello there jordan. how have you been? i am doing okay. kind of hyper and posting too much tonight, but otherwise fine. i have a feeling someone or other is going to bitch at me for this because it is not quality boarding and i could probably just talk to both of you via private messages or facebook or something but i don't really care to do so. ehhhh.
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I've actually been much better at not being depressive as fuck all the time. I guess you bring out the best in me.
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We can leave you two alone for a little bit I guess
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Man.
James.
You make the greatest posts.
Anna, I am mildly bored with my current relationship and I really wish I could get into an open relationship but don't wanna end this one because, it's actually pretty good and I'm just awful so I guess that's how I'm doing?
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Dear Lack Thereof Advice Thread,
Everybody has more sex than me. Even very ugly and stupid people. What am I doing wrong?
love,
Dominik
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Dom, I will fuck you.
Man I am a bitchy little slut tonight, I'm sorry guys.
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Hello, lovely people of the relationship advice thread.
So, in a nutshell, yesterday I was supposed to get married, but my fiance decided at the rehearsal that he wasn't comfortable marrying me. There was a lot of crying involved, to say the least. I then told him I needed some time away from him, and that he needed to pack his things and go live at his mother's house for a while, which he has done. I think I am in the right to ask for this, and he has expressed that he thinks I am, too.
I am not intending this to be a permanent break-up, and I don't think he is, either, which leads me to the issue. My entire family, and many of my friends, are extremely angry at him, even though they were the ones telling him, "No one will be angry with you if you decide not to get married." Now, they are telling me terrible things such as, "He just isn't marriage material," and, "If he kills himself, it's not your problem," and, "Don't worry about breaking his things. In fact, why don't we go have a bonfire?" I know they are trying to cheer me up, but they are really just making me even more upset than I already am.
So, the question I am asking you guys is this: Is it really that strange for me to expect us to get back together at some point after things have been worked out? I mean, my entire family loved him before this, and now it's like they're talking about a different person. If all of them are reacting this way, shouldn't I be angry too? My thinking is that, even though his timing was most definitely not okay, he wasn't being malicious. He wasn't trying to hurt me. He did hurt me very much, which is why I need some time apart from him, but his intentions were not evil. Am I in denial, like my family says? Are they just batshit insane? What would the normal reaction be to this situation? I think that three months or so of staying apart from each other and working things out on our own, followed by some casual dates for maybe a year or so, and then seeing what happens would be reasonable, but my family thinks that is far too generous. What do you think? He and I seem to be on the same page. He has apologized for hurting me so much and accepted that he was the one in the wrong, and he has, so far, played by my rules. He has removed his things from my apartment, he has not tried to contact me (I asked him not to), and he has promised that, if I call his mother, he will not answer the phone, so that I can sort some minor details out with her without having to face him. Is it wrong for me to see and understand that he is trying? Please tell me whether or not I'm the crazy one.
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Anna, I am mildly bored with my current relationship and I really wish I could get into an open relationship but don't wanna end this one because, it's actually pretty good and I'm just awful so I guess that's how I'm doing?
okay okay. so here is what you do. break up with the girlfriend. if the relationship is good for both of you as you say she will be upset about losing you and probably willing to do drastic things to get you back. then you can be all like "only if you accept my slutty nature and let me sleep around with the whole internet." and she will reluctantly accept this and VOILA you are now in an "open relationship" and we can consummate our love.
(this is not serious advice, obviously. the sensible thing is to discuss it with her, but i'm sure you knew that already. )
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@Mynah: Nobody's acting crazy in this situation ... it's just such a disruption to everyone that a lot of snap judgments are formed. There's nothing wrong with that, and you should grant each person their right to the incomplete perspective that they have, including yourself. Clearly there is a lot going on in this situation and the current set of judgments offered to you right now is probably going to contain a lot of options that ultimately won't help you.
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@Mynah: Nobody's acting crazy in this situation ... it's just such a disruption to everyone that a lot of snap judgments are formed. There's nothing wrong with that, and you should grant each person their right to the incomplete perspective that they have, including yourself. Clearly there is a lot going on in this situation and the current set of judgments offered to you right now is probably going to contain a lot of options that ultimately won't help you.
I guess you're right, but this has been the response from nearly every person I've talked to. Even the very same people who told him that no one would be angry with him if that was his choice. The responses haven't been just unreasonable, but just plain cruel. If just a handful of people had told me things such as "it doesn't matter if he kills himself", I would think that that particular handful of people were not aware of the entire story. However, it was not just a handful, which is what makes me concerned. When I tell them I'm not comfortable with them saying such horrible things, they accuse me of being in denial, and they tell me that it's not my job to protect him. I just want everyone to get along to make this as smooth as possible, but I can't shake the thought that maybe they're right and that I am just in denial. That's why I'm so confused.
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So if they're right, what exactly are you in denial OF, exactly? Is it something that could be evaluated as fact?
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So if they're right, what exactly are you in denial OF, exactly? Is it something that could be evaluated as fact?
Well... I don't know how to put it, exactly. They think I'm denying the "fact" that our relationship is essentially over, and the "fact" that he is not marriage material. I don't think those are facts, and, actually, I believe they are false. As to whether or not they could be evaluated as fact, I don't think so.
The more I think about it, the more I think I'm correct in believing that those things are false, but as soon as they start talking to me again, I become unsure. They say that it's a part of the grieving process, and that I'll eventually move on to being angry, just like they are.
And now I have to go to sleep. Thanks for talking to me.
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Mynah,
I think your friends and family are just trying to show you that they are there for you and on your side. They're angry to see someone they love get hurt. Think about how you react when one of your closest friends suffers a bad break up.. you say things like "that guy wasn't good enough for you anyway" or "i'm going to kick his ass for you".
As for you, while this situation isn't ideal, I think you'd much rather get married to this guy when you know he's 100% into it. Maybe thats why you're not more upset?
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As for you, while this situation isn't ideal, I think you'd much rather get married to this guy when you know he's 100% into it. Maybe thats why you're not more upset?
I want to make sure I'm interpreting what you say correctly, and I'm a little confused about this sentence. Are you saying that I'm not more upset because breaking up before getting married is still better than getting married to someone who's not completely into it?
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Everybody has more sex than me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YwNVE37BGVE
granted it's "everyone else has had more sex than me" but whatever. If I knew what you were doing wrong, I wouldn't be in a similar predicament.
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Yeah my post was, in fact, a half-assed reference to that song. I'm dead serious, though. It's not that I'm unhappy. You get used to it, I guess, especially if you don't know anything else.
It's just that now that I have left most of my teenage angst behind, I have realized that I'm actually a pretty cool dude and even kind of good-looking, in a way. So being alone and sexually frustrated all the time doesn't make that much sense, especially when compared to my friends, most of whom get at least some action.
Jordan, you can fuck me any time.
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Well... I don't know how to put it, exactly. They think I'm denying the "fact" that our relationship is essentially over, and the "fact" that he is not marriage material. I don't think those are facts, and, actually, I believe they are false. As to whether or not they could be evaluated as fact, I don't think so.
The more I think about it, the more I think I'm correct in believing that those things are false, but as soon as they start talking to me again, I become unsure. They say that it's a part of the grieving process, and that I'll eventually move on to being angry, just like they are.
They might be right, and you might be right, but the point is that any judgment that anyone forms right now is going to be based on a very limited and incomplete understanding of the situation. Since you probably have a better understanding of where he's coming from, and a better chance of more fully understanding it as time passes ad you talk to people and process what's happened, I'd be inclined to agree with you and not the people telling you you're wrong or in denial.
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As for you, while this situation isn't ideal, I think you'd much rather get married to this guy when you know he's 100% into it. Maybe thats why you're not more upset?
I want to make sure I'm interpreting what you say correctly, and I'm a little confused about this sentence. Are you saying that I'm not more upset because breaking up before getting married is still better than getting married to someone who's not completely into it?
Yes, you got it right. At least that is how I would feel, and that may not be true for you. I was just floating the idea out there and I should have made that more clear.
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As for you, while this situation isn't ideal, I think you'd much rather get married to this guy when you know he's 100% into it. Maybe thats why you're not more upset?
I want to make sure I'm interpreting what you say correctly, and I'm a little confused about this sentence. Are you saying that I'm not more upset because breaking up before getting married is still better than getting married to someone who's not completely into it?
Yes, you got it right. At least that is how I would feel, and that may not be true for you. I was just floating the idea out there and I should have made that more clear.
I do feel that way, you're right. There were just several different interpretations that I could think of for that sentence.
I think that maybe it's a combination between what you said and that I'm seeing this time apart as a sort of hiatus rather than a true break up. I'm not sure, though. I am really confused about what I'm feeling right now, to be totally honest.
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@Mynah
I hope everything works out for the best. Your boy has dug himself into a pretty big hole though. Not only has he have to win your trust back, but all your friends and family will scrutinize every single move he makes for a long time.
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@Mynah
I hope everything works out for the best. Your boy has dug himself into a pretty big hole though. Not only has he have to win your trust back, but all your friends and family will scrutinize every single move he makes for a long time.
Thank you. And yeah, it will be difficult, but maybe he'll learn a lesson from all of this. He has expressed that he knows that what he did was wrong, and his mother tells me that he's been very upset with himself. I'm sure he'll be doing quite a bit of thinking, especially since he doesn't really have a whole lot of things to absorb himself in as a distraction.
And I talked with some of the more violently angry members of my family today, and explained how I was feeling and what I was thinking to them. That went much better than I thought it would. I think they see more of the whole picture now, which will definitely help out in the future.
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Anna, I am mildly bored with my current relationship and I really wish I could get into an open relationship but don't wanna end this one because, it's actually pretty good and I'm just awful so I guess that's how I'm doing?
okay okay. so here is what you do. break up with the girlfriend. if the relationship is good for both of you as you say she will be upset about losing you and probably willing to do drastic things to get you back. then you can be all like "only if you accept my slutty nature and let me sleep around with the whole internet." and she will reluctantly accept this and VOILA you are now in an "open relationship" and we can consummate our love.
(this is not serious advice, obviously. the sensible thing is to discuss it with her, but i'm sure you knew that already. )
Nah just come to Chicago, we'll do this up like terrible people who don't care about the emotions of others.
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At what point in a burgeoning relationship does neglect become something you can complain about?
Okay, see, I met a girl through OkCupid. We talked for a bit, then we met and spent the whole day at my place. It went very well, we got along instantly without really having to talk excessively. Chemistry, they call it. She was ridiculously attracted to me. I'm still kind enthused about that.
Third base was reached. Movies were watched. Lots of cuddling and makeouts happened. Steak was eaten.
When I took her home (25 minute drive) she said she was ready to call me "boyfriend", and asked if that was okay with me. I told her it was. (kind of a moot point, I figured. Its not like I'm seeing anyone else anyway)
The trouble is, we've had no contact beyond sporatic text messages since then, and mostly stuff that doesn't mean anything. I know almost nothing about her and I want to get to know her better, but its more than a week later and I can't get so much as a glimmer of a plan to meet again from her. The day of the date we made plans to get together again last weekend but she canceled.
Should I just go with it or should I be getting wary? Or...?
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Good news, everyone! I may have lost them both anyways by trying to help strengthen their relationship! I fucked up real bad!
So I probably won't be bothering anyone in this thread for a while, basically.
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@ NQG. Let me say first and foremost: You did good.
I know you were nervous about how you'd go about finding somebody, but going by what you said, the evening WAS successful, and don't let anything that happens after discourage you.
As for what's going on now, I'd say warily go with it. She may be actually busy and distracted, she might have been just trying out the service, and is now having cold feet, she might be a bitch.
So follow through on trying to make plans, but don't be hugely surprised if this fizzles. But again, I want to emphasize that if that happens, it's not a reflection on you. If you had come off badly in her eyes, there are plenty of defense mechanisms women have to stop things at a certain point and call it a night far short of what you described.
So look at this as a positive first step no matter how this particular situation plays out. Either you'll finally connect with her, or you'll take what you've learned and do even better next time. :wink:
@Dimmukane. Sorry to hear that.
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I know you were nervous about how you'd go about finding somebody, but going by what you said, the evening WAS successful, and don't let anything that happens after discourage you.
Well, there's precedent. It always seems to go well at first and then the girl pulls away.
Here's a slightly dumb but fun question:
Physically, my "type" or ideal girl is pale, petite, and straight black hair, but of the six or so girls I've managed to attract in the course of my life, only one wasn't a chubby caucasian with auburn hair. Why do seemingly most of the women who are attracted to me fit that second description? :-( It seems a little strange.
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Wait, so what I got from what you said is you met this girl and talked to her online first, then met up and that day made out and she wanted to call you her boyfriend. Is that right, or was there a time period in between the meeting in real life and the makeouts and the boyfriend calling?
Also, if you are super OCD about people when you want to have sex with them, wouldn't you have some similar things to people you are making out with?
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Wait, so what I got from what you said is you met this girl and talked to her online first, then met up and that day made out and she wanted to call you her boyfriend. Is that right, or was there a time period in between the meeting in real life and the makeouts and the boyfriend calling?
The former, we've only been together in person the once.
Also, if you are super OCD about people when you want to have sex with them, wouldn't you have some similar things to people you are making out with?
Yes, but what does that have to do with anything? Or what are you asking? :?
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Then why didn't you just say you went on one date and now she's not calling you back?
Also, the OCD question was because it didn't seem to make sense, in that you will go to such extreme lengths about what the lady touches when you want to have sex, but will get to third base with a girl after meeting her in person for the first time.
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Better news, everyone! I'm not fucked! I still have some amends to make, but I'm forgiven! Everyone lives happily ever after!
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Hello, lovely people of the relationship advice thread.
So, in a nutshell, yesterday I was supposed to get married, but my fiance decided at the rehearsal that he wasn't comfortable marrying me. There was a lot of crying involved, to say the least. I then told him I needed some time away from him, and that he needed to pack his things and go live at his mother's house for a while, which he has done. I think I am in the right to ask for this, and he has expressed that he thinks I am, too.
I am not intending this to be a permanent break-up, and I don't think he is, either, which leads me to the issue. My entire family, and many of my friends, are extremely angry at him, even though they were the ones telling him, "No one will be angry with you if you decide not to get married." Now, they are telling me terrible things such as, "He just isn't marriage material," and, "If he kills himself, it's not your problem," and, "Don't worry about breaking his things. In fact, why don't we go have a bonfire?" I know they are trying to cheer me up, but they are really just making me even more upset than I already am.
So, the question I am asking you guys is this: Is it really that strange for me to expect us to get back together at some point after things have been worked out? I mean, my entire family loved him before this, and now it's like they're talking about a different person. If all of them are reacting this way, shouldn't I be angry too? My thinking is that, even though his timing was most definitely not okay, he wasn't being malicious. He wasn't trying to hurt me. He did hurt me very much, which is why I need some time apart from him, but his intentions were not evil. Am I in denial, like my family says? Are they just batshit insane? What would the normal reaction be to this situation? I think that three months or so of staying apart from each other and working things out on our own, followed by some casual dates for maybe a year or so, and then seeing what happens would be reasonable, but my family thinks that is far too generous. What do you think? He and I seem to be on the same page. He has apologized for hurting me so much and accepted that he was the one in the wrong, and he has, so far, played by my rules. He has removed his things from my apartment, he has not tried to contact me (I asked him not to), and he has promised that, if I call his mother, he will not answer the phone, so that I can sort some minor details out with her without having to face him. Is it wrong for me to see and understand that he is trying? Please tell me whether or not I'm the crazy one.
(http://ia.media-imdb.com/images/M/MV5BMjA2MjczMjU4Nl5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTYwOTQ4NjEz._V1._SX324_SY400_.jpg)
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I know you were nervous about how you'd go about finding somebody, but going by what you said, the evening WAS successful, and don't let anything that happens after discourage you.
Well, there's precedent. It always seems to go well at first and then the girl pulls away.
Here's a slightly dumb but fun question:
Physically, my "type" or ideal girl is pale, petite, and straight black hair, but of the six or so girls I've managed to attract in the course of my life, only one wasn't a chubby caucasian with auburn hair. Why do seemingly most of the women who are attracted to me fit that second description? :-( It seems a little strange.
I bet a picture of you would answer that question right fuccin quick.
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It's great to know that there are still pleasant, tactful people who can be relied upon to offer helpful advice, or keep their mouths shut when they can't in good conscience say something nice. God forbid that someone could get so arrogant that they might forget that other people actually do have feelings and it isn't helpful to trample all over them. Thank goodness for such a shining example of polite, thoughtful and genuinely nice ways to reply to people asking serious questions about issues that matter to them.
NQG, girls are weird. I would say that if she came over and it went well that is a good sign that she did like you, and the fact that she hasn't been hugely communicative isn't a clear sign that she doesn't. She might just be busy; leave it a while longer before you start worrying and don't extrapolate the facts until you're imagining huge things that you have no proof for, like her just messing you around. On the other hand if it does turn out that she is a fickle-minded girl who has changed her mind about her feelings for you, at least you had a good time for a while and you proved to yourself that you can be close to a girl. Even failed relationships and flings are good experience.
Mynah, that is such an incredibly complicated situation, I feel for you. You're probably right that your family are trying to cheer you up but if it isn't working then you're right to tell them that. I hope things go well; just remember that your feelings are no less valid just because no one else shares them. You're the only person who can decide whether you want him back.
And now a question from me: my friend has just started seeing a boy she's been into for a while, and she's suddenly got all weird and distant. I don't mean she doesn't hang out with us any more, she does, but she is being all aloof and not participating in jokes and stuff, and she uncharacteristically won't talk about things. Should I just hope she gets back to normal eventually or talk to her? I doubt she's doing it deliberately but it's irritating me and ruining my pleasure at her having finally got things sorted with him (he's a great guy).
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@ Prof. Snuggles
Whatever you are trying to say by quoting me and not replying went completely over my head. Are you having the same issue, or is there a joke somewhere that I missed?
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Barmy, some people will get really caught up in themselves when they start a new relationship, so you probably don't have to worry about it. If it's someone she's really excited about she may just be unintentionally ignoring all of you while she focuses on it. Give her some time, but if she doesn't eventually snap out of it, you should probably tell her to cut that shit out. Nobody likes hanging out with someone who just drags down the group's interaction.
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Then why didn't you just say you went on one date and now she's not calling you back?
Because that is not at all descriptive of my situation.
Also, the OCD question was because it didn't seem to make sense, in that you will go to such extreme lengths about what the lady touches when you want to have sex, but will get to third base with a girl after meeting her in person for the first time.
She told me that she gets tested regularly and that she hadn't had sex since her last test. I believe her.
Sexy stuff itself doesn't set off my OCD to badly.
Besides, I didn't let her into my pants. Not that it really came up. She didn't insist on reciprocating or anything.
I bet a picture of you would answer that question right fuccin quick.
(http://home.comcast.net/~Lawrence515/SSC/Infamous.jpg)
There. :roll:
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Don't worry about him much, he's kind of a prick to nearly everybody.
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And NQG isn't? I am really finding it hard to not be a prick to him too, as he has been a bit of a jerk to pretty much everyone who's tried to help him in this thread.
NQG, there is pretty much nothing wrong with the way you look, so any problem you've got picking up the ladies must be related to either your aforementioned problems finding appropriate settings to find people you're interested in or your attitude toward them after you've found someone you're interested in. I don't know you from Adam, but if the way you talk to people in RL is anything like the way you have been reacting to people's well-meaning suggestions in this thread it may be more to do with the latter.
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And NQG isn't? I am really finding it hard to not be a prick to him too, as he has been a bit of a jerk to pretty much everyone who's tried to help him in this thread.
NQG, there is pretty much nothing wrong with the way you look, so any problem you've got picking up the ladies must be related to either your aforementioned problems finding appropriate settings to find people you're interested in or your attitude toward them after you've found someone you're interested in. I don't know you from Adam, but if the way you talk to people in RL is anything like the way you have been reacting to people's well-meaning suggestions in this thread it may be more to do with the latter.
Can we not get into this again? There is only the one situation where I'm a jerk in this thread, and that's when someone sets off my pet peeve of "suggesting" that I "get out more", "put myself out there", or any other variation on that theme. Seeing as how none of my questions for the past several months have had anything to do with "how to meet women", is it so much to ask that that not be continually thrown in my face?
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NQG - you look like someone that has swords in his house, and wishes The Crow was about him.
That said, I'm glad to hear your date went well.
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What's wrong with having swords in your house?
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So what do you do when your best friend hooks up with the girl you went through a lot of shit with and lost your virginity to?
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So what do you do when your best friend hooks up with the girl you went through a lot of shit with and lost your virginity to?
imitation is the sincerest form of flattery?
What's wrong with having swords in your house?
were you ever into The Highlander series?
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No...not as of yet...
(I barely watch any movies)
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Didn't expect I would ever be posting in this thread, but I need some advice, due to my lack of comprehension of unwritten social rules, or social skills in general.
So there is a girl that I knew in elementary school, we were pretty much best friends for a couple of years. Then we both end up transferring to different schools, not keeping in touch, I don't see her for years. Earlier this year, I end up meeting her again by coincidence, and we have been talking since, and have hung out together a few times. I want to ask her out, but we have only seen each other face to face four times recently, including the time we ran into each other unintentionally. How often should we spend time with each other before I ask her out, to avoid seeming like I'm creepy or over-eager? And for the love of God, what the hell am I supposed to look for to tell if she seems to be interested in me?
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Didn't expect I would ever be posting in this thread, but I need some advice, due to my lack of comprehension of unwritten social rules, or social skills in general.
So there is a girl that I knew in elementary school, we were pretty much best friends for a couple of years. Then we both end up transferring to different schools, not keeping in touch, I don't see her for years. Earlier this year, I end up meeting her again by coincidence, and we have been talking since, and have hung out together a few times. I want to ask her out, but we have only seen each other face to face four times recently, including the time we ran into each other unintentionally. How often should we spend time with each other before I ask her out, to avoid seeming like I'm creepy or over-eager? And for the love of God, what the hell am I supposed to look for to tell if she seems to be interested in me?
I think that it doesn't really matter how much time you spend together before you ask her out on a date. Especially if you've known her in the past, even if it was just elementary school. If it seems like she's enjoyed the time that she has spent with you, asking her out on a date should be fine. I mean, lots of guys ask girls that they just barely met out on dates, so I don't see why it would be creepy to ask someone you already know out on a date.
As for what you should look for to tell if she's interested, I have no idea how to help you there. I think it varies too much from person to person.
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Mynah dear those images in your sig might you mind not using them? I mean it's just in the forum manifesto and all not to have the images in the signature because we here all are just anally retentive (to use a terrible idea of freud's) about that kind of stuff and they just aren't quite necessary you see and no one else uses the images in the sigs here and it keeps things nice and readable and things.
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You can set your view of the forum to not display signatures. Most of them are not worth reading twenty times a thread, and they just increase the scrolling; and if you want to see one because it comes up in conversation, it's in the person's profile.
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Oh, sorry, I didn't know that. I'll remove them asap. Thanks for letting me know.
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NQG - you look like someone that has swords in his house, and wishes The Crow was about him.
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: ROFL
I have a scottish claymore, a blunted bastard broadsword, and the heron blade from Wheel of Time.
And I thought The Crow was entertaining but not that great of a movie. But I only saw it the once. on tv. Wasn't it based on a graphic novel or something?
That said, I'm glad to hear your date went well.
Thanks, but I don't think its going anywhere. Well, actually, I can't really tell. I know almost nothing about her, and at the rate we're going getting to know her will take... longer than I'm willing to spend.
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Relations don't just happen overnight. Getting to know someone takes time. Granted it does sound like she's not really giving you the opportunity, but just wait a bit and see what happens. Try again to get together and if that doesn't work out because of her, then yes, you should probably just try again with someone else.
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Completely ignore her for a few days, then send her a text message that just like "hey, whats up" or some such super casual thing. I found this worked well because the girl contacted me before I could get back to her. I didn't mean to ignore her, I was just dealing with life, but a little while later she was like "hey, you stopped talking to me, don't you like me."
Protip: you can't just say please to get the girl to cheat on her boyfriend with you (although you are pretty good friends with her and you guys play it off as a joke all the time even though she told you she wants to hook up more when she is in a relationship).
Addendum: When you try to break the girl and her shitty boyfriend up, she mentions how much she loves him and how he is the only thing that makes her happy despite how they argue everyday and the relationship seems to be based upon sex. When you say fuck it, and try to help her with their relationship, it leads to how she is thinking he might not be the one even though she loves him. This is the one who has sent you pictures of her in a bathing suit, underwear and just recently: schoolgirl outfit.
Third Strike, fight for the future: Girl is super involved in a youth group at church but has a crush on you, you have a crush on her. She can never go out alone (has to be with sisters, all older. They also can't go out alone) or on dates because of her wacky religious parents.
Fourth Dimension, 4-player super mario: Concert/House Party on Friday wherein friend in band promises that you'll meet a fly hunny, skeptical at best after previous attempts through him. See his ex girlfriend, the girlfriend after that's friend who was into somebody else already.
The above is pretty much the rundown on my relationship statuses with all girls I talk to. I am utterly confused.
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Relations don't just happen overnight.
This is true! Sometimes they happen in the middle of the day! Or sometimes you just can't spend all night engaged in relations. And they don't always happen in a bedroom or even on a couch! Sometimes they happen in the bathroom, or in a car, or if you are adventurous maybe outside!
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We've already established that the best relations are those that occur in a parking lot (http://forums.questionablecontent.net/index.php/topic,23341.0.html)
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Protip: you can't just say please to get the girl to cheat on her boyfriend with you (although you are pretty good friends with her and you guys play it off as a joke all the time even though she told you she wants to hook up more when she is in a relationship).
Addendum: When you try to break the girl and her shitty boyfriend up, she mentions how much she loves him and how he is the only thing that makes her happy despite how they argue everyday and the relationship seems to be based upon sex. When you say fuck it, and try to help her with their relationship, it leads to how she is thinking he might not be the one even though she loves him. This is the one who has sent you pictures of her in a bathing suit, underwear and just recently: schoolgirl outfit.
you seem really bitter about this.
has it ever occurred to you that their relationship is better than she's making it out to be, (if you only ever hear about the negative aspects of the relationship obviously you are going to think her boyfriend is a horrible person. but he may not be!) and that's why she doesn't actually hook up with you, despite making suggestive remarks and sending you sexy photos?
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Bitch sounds like a bitch. Also deluded, because she thinks that there is a The One.
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You heard it here first, pal
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Protip: you can't just say please to get the girl to cheat on her boyfriend with you (although you are pretty good friends with her and you guys play it off as a joke all the time even though she told you she wants to hook up more when she is in a relationship).
Addendum: When you try to break the girl and her shitty boyfriend up, she mentions how much she loves him and how he is the only thing that makes her happy despite how they argue everyday and the relationship seems to be based upon sex. When you say fuck it, and try to help her with their relationship, it leads to how she is thinking he might not be the one even though she loves him. This is the one who has sent you pictures of her in a bathing suit, underwear and just recently: schoolgirl outfit.
you seem really bitter about this.
has it ever occurred to you that their relationship is better than she's making it out to be, (if you only ever hear about the negative aspects of the relationship obviously you are going to think her boyfriend is a horrible person. but he may not be!) and that's why she doesn't actually hook up with you, despite making suggestive remarks and sending you sexy photos?
Well, I know the dude. He used to be kind of a douche, and it has now been confirmed to me by the girl I was talking about in the Protip (it is two different girls, but they know each other and don't talk to each other), that he is kind of a pussy now. That leads me to wonder if he is still as much of a racist as he used to be. Dude once told me that I was turning into a monkey because of all the "nigger music" (his words) on the radio station that I had playing. He also said similar things when we were in school together about the black girls in class. I reevaluated our friendship after I graduated (like 5 months after I met him, we didn't hang out outside of school as much) and stopped talking to him. Last I heard of the dude he was a horrible person. His girlfriend isn't helping me change my mind.
But like I said, I try to be a terrible person and break them up, and she is madly in love. I say "okay that's cool, maybe you are right for each other" and she starts telling me all the problems she has with him. I mostly talk about music to her now, it is a lot simpler.
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Also deluded, because she thinks that there is a The One.
lots and lots of people think this, dude. lots of them also have really healthy and happy relationships with their partners. calling them all deluded cos you don't agree with them is pretty harsh!
i think the main problem with jace's friend's scenario is that (from the sound of things) the guy she's with isn't even right for her to begin with because she can't make a solid decision about what she wants and her relationship sucks and is full of problems.
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Calling them all deluded is my opinion, because that is what I believe. I think that people believe in soul mates and true love and Mr Right and The One because of popular media and silly romanticism. I think that people believe in this stuff because there is certainly something that makes people do crazy things like commit love-suicide or cheat on their spouses or feel like they will die because the object of their obsession is gone for a week, and because there is this real emotional component it is easier to believe in than angels or faeries or elves or anything else people wish actually existed. I think it is also an excuse, because this way people can tell themselves that they just haven't found the right person yet, and if their relationships don't end up in a happily ever after it's because the other person wasn't the "right one", not because they themselves did it wrong. It is a failsafe to keep from having to work too hard or put too much effort into a relationship, because clearly the components will not have an enduring, fulfilling relationship if they are not ideally suited to each other.
Thousands of years of arranged marriage kind of point to the fact that you can be happy and have a full life and loving spouse even if you didn't get struck by lightning when you saw them for the first time. That educated, reasonable people with plenty of resources in India and the Philippines and lots of other places know of both alternatives and still choose to have someone else pick for them AND that their divorce rate is practically nonexistant just tells me that they are doing something in the way that they conduct their lives that we just don't get.
Basically what I am saying is that Happily Ever After does not just happen, and the people who think that it does and that it requires negligible input on their part are deluding themselves. This is strictly my opinion, and no one is required to share it. However, if you're aiming for a 75th anniversary at some point in your life, and you expect to get there because of Prince Charming and a fairy tale, you have got some serious rethinking to do.
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Incidentally, the fact that this particular delusion bothers me so much is just a personal quirk. People delude themselves about all sorts of shit, most of it really really important, like emotions and grief that they bury instead of addressing or when something bothers them continuously over a long period of time and they just bottle it up instead of expressing it, or whatever it is (social conditioning? personality?) that inspires passive aggression and makes that seem ok, or how people hurt each other when they get angry because they feel it will somehow even the score and make them feel better. Insecurities, superiority complexes, and arrogance are all based in personal delusions.
We kind of don't look at ourselves in the mirror straight on, know what I mean? That is all I am saying. I just dislike this one in particular. I had to pick one, see, because there are too many to worry about all at once.
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It seems to me as though Tania understood it to be your opinion, but was moreover just pointing it out as a pretty harsh opinion to hold of a big group of people who, all told, occasionally wind up in a successful relationship and are happy about it.
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Ignorance is bliss, I guess?
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Sometimes happiness is just happiness, though.
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More exactly, sometimes we do not need to weigh happiness down with the crime of being totally vapid or anti-intellectual or whatever.
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i can't see how it's all that hard to, when you find yourself in a relationship that is really perfect with someone you are completely compatible with in every way, start to think that maybe you guys were meant to be together. i don't believe in destiny or soulmates or any of that stuff either but if someone who does believes that because they happen to have a way healthy and happier relationship than i do who am i to criticism them? sometimes people just really unconditionally love each other, it can't be all that hard.
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Thousands of years of arranged marriage kind of point to the fact that you can be happy and have a full life and loving spouse even if you didn't get struck by lightning when you saw them for the first time. That educated, reasonable people with plenty of resources in India and the Philippines and lots of other places know of both alternatives and still choose to have someone else pick for them AND that their divorce rate is practically nonexistant just tells me that they are doing something in the way that they conduct their lives that we just don't get..
While I agree with you about The One, you do know that for thousands of years it was impossible to divorce your spouse? In India, when a woman's spouse died, she had to kill herself to be with her husband. It was the law.
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While I agree with you about The One, you do know that for thousands of years it was impossible to divorce your spouse? In India, when a woman's spouse died, she had to kill herself to be with her husband. It was the law.
Not really true - it was really just a small portion of high-caste women in and around Bombay that did this. Also I'm fairly sure that it was one of those invented traditions that really only became popular as a way of defining yourself against the Other - much like how purdah became more important after the Brits arrived, for example.
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Also that particular people did that because the women were so dependent upon men for everything that without them they were completely ruined and had no means of survival. While culture can be weird, I am pretty sure lots of those women did it voluntarily rather than be faced with a life of squalor and ritual pollution. I don't agree with it, but I was talking more about the people there within the past five or six generations who knew of other alternatives and still chose for their parents to find a spouse for them, because the parents had so much more experience in that area than they did.
Also, I completely agree with you, Tania, except that I don't think unconditional love is involuntary, either. However, I think that by whatever process you get there, it's nice to know that sometimes you can get past all the crap like jealousy and obsession that "love" usually brings with it.
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Also that particular people did that because the women were so dependent upon men for everything that without them they were completely ruined and had no means of survival. While culture can be weird, I am pretty sure lots of those women did it voluntarily rather than be faced with a life of squalor and ritual pollution.
Whose fault was it that the women were dependent on the men, and would have no means of survival if their husband died? Whose fault would the culturally-imposed "squalor and ritual pollution" be? I'm not 100% sure what your point here is. It looks looks like you are justifying the suttee because it was culturally acceptable to the men (even though you state you disagree with it), but I really hope I am just misunderstanding you.
I don't agree with it, but I was talking more about the people there within the past five or six generations who knew of other alternatives and still chose for their parents to find a spouse for them, because the parents had so much more experience in that area than they did.
Sorry, still not buying it. Societies with arranged marriages, and societies where divorce is prohibited or extremely taboo, do not demonstrate that marriage without an initial connection of love is a good idea.
I think I understand your broader point (that waiting for "true love" like in a Disney movie is stupid, and that relationships require work) but pointing to societies with horrific records of women's rights does not help your point.
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I don't really think that the idea of "the one" is that all that crazy. Instead of saying "the one", say "person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with". The idea that there is one person out there you're destined to be with, and if you miss them that's it, you missed your shot at happiness, that's crazy. But when people say "the one", they're not talking about destiny or Disney or happily ever after. They're talking about a person they want to spend the rest of their life with, that they'll put the effort into. Somebody else who feels exactly the same way about them.
If two people have that mutual attraction and desire, why shouldn't they be able to spend the rest of their lives together? And why shouldn't they be 'the one'?
There's billions of people, and any number of them could be a person you could spend the rest of your life with. But when you get that feeling, when you find that relationship, it's the only one.
The only one.
The one.
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I don't really think of love as the quasi-mystical thing put on Hallmark cards, but I've definitely been with someone I would have been willing to at least try spending the rest of my life with.
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Would you consider her "a one"?
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Yeah, pretty much. Hopefully I'll find someone else I get along with and care about to that extent again. Apparently it can be a bit tricky though.
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I don't really think that the idea of "the one" is that all that crazy. Instead of saying "the one", say "person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with". The idea that there is one person out there you're destined to be with, and if you miss them that's it, you missed your shot at happiness, that's crazy. But when people say "the one", they're not talking about destiny or Disney or happily ever after. They're talking about a person they want to spend the rest of their life with, that they'll put the effort into. Somebody else who feels exactly the same way about them.
If two people have that mutual attraction and desire, why shouldn't they be able to spend the rest of their lives together? And why shouldn't they be 'the one'?
There's billions of people, and any number of them could be a person you could spend the rest of your life with. But when you get that feeling, when you find that relationship, it's the only one.
The only one.
The one.
thaaaank you. i believe in this, and i don't think i'm being silly or naive or delusional.
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I will posit that this concept includes lifelong friends. I can say with certainty that there are a few people whom I would go out of my way to be able to spend the rest of my life with; if not in the same bed, then in close proximity. There is a level of companionship above that, obviously, but my ties to these people are very strong and I go out of my way not to weaken them.
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"The one"
I felt that having actually brought up the idea of "the one" in the Age thread in Discuss, I should defend it here; but Darryl has said near enough what I wanted to.
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I think my beef with the term "the one" is that not everyone implies that there is a decision behind it. Even my own sister is still waiting around, not really dating anyone, because she is waiting to find the "right person", and even though she has plenty of friends who are guys that she likes and thinks are cute and respects and shares opinions and all that stuff, she doesn't really ever give them a chance because she is waiting for a bulldozer or something. My other sister settled for her husband; she even told me once that this was "probably as good as it was ever gonna get". Most of the chicks I have ever known (besides people like Cristi and Kat) are kind of the same way, dating boys just until something better comes along, always keeping an eye out for it. And for all that my momma told me that boys are supposed to be the wild ones, sleeping around and fearing commitment and always wanting more than just one girl, well, my experience has definitely led me to believe otherwise.
I kind of like the idea that people might not actually be as ridiculous as I think they are, but I won't get my hopes up. Still, the notion of making someone your One is refreshing. Like, my parents and all my grandparents and aunts and uncles and stuff have pretty much done that anyway, but I guess I hadn't really heard anyone talk about it that way before.
This is why I keep coming back to this internet, guys. Thanks.
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Yeah, see, the lady I loved was actually more than a bit skeptical about our relationship at first, and for good reasons. I wasn't so good following at the "Nobody should be a cock to a stranger, ever!" rule back then. Like a lot of guys I mellowed out some though and she helped rein me in a bit as well. Overall we were good for each other, because if anything she wasn't quite selfish enough and would take on other people's problems too readily. Meanwhile I just extended my selfish streak to include her needs in my list of things that will happen at all costs. We still had rough patches though and I doubt we would have dated at all if it had been left to her to make the first move.
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So,
I really really don't know what to do. Its like I'm going to hate myself for any of my options. I don't know what the fuck to do.
Let me try to explain.
The girl I met off OKcupid last month. We STILL haven't seen each other again, though she texts me semi-daily with a "Hi" or a "Hey" that I respond to but then get nothing more from her except sometimes another empty greeting. I can't call her because she doesn't want her parents to know about me and they're nosy. The few times she's called me have all been at times where I just happen to be away from my phone and unable to hear it ring, so the only conversations we have are over YIM, which she's almost never on.
That's just the backstory.
The problem is, two weeks ago she invited me to a movie, finally she could see me, but then, I told her I couldn't go because I had a fever, which was a gross exaggeration. I make it a point to never lie to women I'm involved with, and I still have NO FUCKING IDEA why I lied or why I didn't want to see her when I'd been waiting to see her again for weeks. I was going to confess to this the next time we talked, but we haven't talked since then! I don't think I have any real feelings for her, either, because I don't miss her. I was going to tell her that, too, but like I said, its been weeks and we haven't had even one conversation, and this is not shit that should be discussed via Txt-ing.
I want to explain myself to her, but I just haven't had a chance, and the longer this goes on the more I hate myself for possibly stringing her along, but I'd hate myself even more if I (essentially) broke up with her in a text message. And I'm not even sure I want to break up with her, but she's only 17, and I cannot justify being with her if I don't love her, and I don't love her, so I'd hate myself for that too, but then I'd also hate myself for not giving it a real chance, because she seems to really like me and I'm not absolutely certain that I wouldn't ever love her. I want to just tell her everything that's in my head and let her decide, hopefully with the end result that we part amicably and she goes of to find someone better for her... but I don't know how to get there. god how did I get myself into this situation? I don't know what to do and its really eating at me and tearing me up inside. I'll hate myself no matter what I do. I'll hate myself just as much if not more if I do nothing.
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Just move on bro. When you have three paragraphs describing issues with it, it's time to move on. That is basically what I did.
I started ignoring two out of the three girls I was talking to and things worked out with the other girl.
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I can't just start ignoring her. I've had that done to me and if I did it to this sweet-natured girl I wouldn't be able to live with myself. How can I "move on" without being a complete jerk?
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Well, seems that she's not exactly breaking down your door. You aren't (or didn't say you are) in a defined, serious relationship with the girl, so keep your options open and next time she asks you out, let her down easy and tell her it just isn't working out. It's better to tell her that, than string her along.
The worst thing is to keep believing that someone is totally into you and then slowly realize on your own that it's not the case.
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I had a "girlfriend" like that once. Our families didn't really like each other, so I couldn't go to her house, and she couldn't come to mine. In like five weeks, we saw each other twice and talked like three times. I just told her that I didn't see her enough to warrant trying. Tell her something along those lines.
Some options:
"We just don't see each other often enough for something to work out between us"
"You know, I don't really get to see you or even talk to you that often... I don't know that this could work out"
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There's billions of people, and any number of them could be a person you could spend the rest of your life with. But when you get that feeling, when you find that relationship, it's the only one.
The only one.
The one.
This was very sweet and well put :)
And after fifty years, well... it _really_ becomes "the one". I mean who else are you going to be able to spend fifty MORE years with? No-one, you're done for :'(
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I can't just start ignoring her. I've had that done to me and if I did it to this sweet-natured girl I wouldn't be able to live with myself. How can I "move on" without being a complete jerk?
You don't. If it's time to end it, end it. You're not being the noble by keeping this going, you're being a pussy, and thusly have already become the 'jerk' that you apparently dread becoming. You obviously don't want to be there, she may or may not. It doesn't matter. End it.
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I had a "girlfriend" like that once. Our families didn't really like each other, so I couldn't go to her house, and she couldn't come to mine. In like five weeks, we saw each other twice and talked like three times. I just told her that I didn't see her enough to warrant trying. Tell her something along those lines.
Some options:
"We just don't see each other often enough for something to work out between us"
"You know, I don't really get to see you or even talk to you that often... I don't know that this could work out"
If only Romeo and Juliet listened to you.
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Well, seems that she's not exactly breaking down your door. You aren't (or didn't say you are) in a defined, serious relationship with the girl, so keep your options open and next time she asks you out, let her down easy and tell her it just isn't working out. It's better to tell her that, than string her along.
Its not a defined serious relationship, but I don't know just how serious or defined it is in HER mind. And I DON'T want to string her along, and if I just wait for her to ask me out again, that could be weeks, so I WILL be stringing her along if I do that.
If she were "breaking down my door", so to speak, I wouldn't be stopping her, but then I'd wind up hating myself because I would feel like I was using her. But then, if she were "breaking down my door" all this would have been cleared up ages ago. The conversation I NEED to have with her is not one its possible to have via any of the methods of communication currently available to us. I don't even know what I want, let alone her. I'm going crazy with this.
You don't. If it's time to end it, end it. You're not being the noble by keeping this going, you're being a pussy, and thusly have already become the 'jerk' that you apparently dread becoming. You obviously don't want to be there, she may or may not. It doesn't matter. End it.
I don't even know if I want to "be there" or not. But your exactly right about keeping this going, but that's exactly my point: I have to do something NOW, but what can I do NOW when I don't have a way to TALK to her without interruption, technical or otherwise?
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Okay, wait a minute. You're not sure you can go out with her again because, after one date, you don't love her? Honestly, if you spend your life expecting to fall in love on the first date... well it might happen, but it might well not happen too. If it really doesn't appeal to you to see her again, then by all means break it off. But if you still enjoy spending time with her, you get more then one date before you have to decide if that's love or not.
If you think you might like to see her again, (and honestly this is the only non-asshole thing available to you) you should ask her out. She made a date with you which you had to cancel. Etiquette dictates that it is your turn to ask her on a date to make up for the one you canceled (this is true in life in general kids: if you find it necessary to break an appointment, you should take the initiative at making a new one). Once you're on the date, you can explain yourself if you wish, but I would start by simply apologizing that you broke your last date with her.
If you really aren't interested in her, and you don't want to see her again, the only real options left kind of make you an asshole, which is okay. Sometimes you've got to be direct with people, and that's going to hurt. She'll get over it. Since she asked if she could call you her boyfriend after your last (first) date, I'm guessing she thinks there's some sort of commitment there, though I'm not sure what exactly she thinks that is. You should probably tell her that you don't think you'll go out with her again and if text is really the best option, then go with text. Remember, email is better then text, so you might consider sending her an email. For my money, letters are still better then email for things like this, but you can probably forgo that because nosy parents might open letters, and because letters are usually a tactic for keeping a girl rather then letting one go.
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Okay, wait a minute. You're not sure you can go out with her again because, after one date, you don't love her?
No, its more because when the opportunity for date #2 finally arrived, I didn't want it. I still don't know why, which is why I'm so confused.
If you think you might like to see her again, (and honestly this is the only non-asshole thing available to you) you should ask her out.
But wouldn't that be asshole-ish too? That would be stringing her along, wouldn't it?
Remember, email is better then text, so you might consider sending her an email. For my money, letters are still better then email for things like this, but you can probably forgo that because nosy parents might open letters, and because letters are usually a tactic for keeping a girl rather then letting one go.
Yeah, letters no way, and E-mail would be good except she doesn't have an email that she actually checks.
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But wouldn't that be asshole-ish too? That would be stringing her along, wouldn't it?
Not if you actually want to see her again. If there's no way this goes anywhere, then just break it off. Yes you'll be an asshole, but there's no way around that some times. But there's nothing wrong with going out with someone more then once to see if something serious might develop.
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I honestly don't know if I want to see her again.
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if you don't know if you want to see her again, then you don't want to see her again. if you did want to, it wouldn't be something you'd have to keep asking yourself.
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Man, dude, just like, get off the internet and go talk to girls, bro. You are epicking way too hard on this okcupid bittie after like a week. Get real life.
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(http://www.thegreathoohoo.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/3-ducks.jpg)
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Oh hey I just realised there's all kinds of sexual tension going on with those ducks. Those boy ducks are all eyein' off the girl duck and she's bein' all coy.
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Man, dude, just like, get off the internet and go talk to girls, bro.
I so don't want to get into that discussion again.
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Just put yourself out there and you'll be fine
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Just try not to overanalyze everything, stop thinking about it so much. Not about going out, but just with relationships in general. You start worrying too much and setting up little traps for yourself and not really giving people a fair chance. If there's one thing I've learned from all the crap I posted a month ago, it's that reading too much into things will not make things any easier, and will cause you to be way too hard on yourself.
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Jens, you are the best thing that ever happened to me in my entire life. Keep being you.
(I love ducks. We have a duck, and she has been patiently sitting on a clutch of eggs for three weeks and will go on doing so indefinitely because dem eggs ain't never gonna hatch...)
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Just put yourself out there and you'll be fine
You are the greatest man.
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I so don't want to get into that discussion again.
Last time I said what you wanted to hear, I think, but I think it's gotten to the point where you HAVE to realise that the problem lies with you and that what everybody here is saying is completely true.
You're being the biggest bitch and your situation is absolutely not going to change unless you either sack the hell up or seriously luck out. Whatever happens, you don't really get to complain about a situation you completely bring on yourself anymore.
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(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v619/ackblom12/jackson4.gif)
There we go
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So I try to be a classy lady, but I am in my first years of university and the average boy is not looking for a classy lady, in my experience. So the question is this: Where do I meet classy boys?
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The internet.
Hello.
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So I try to be a classy lady, but I am in my first years of university and the average boy is not looking for a classy lady, in my experience. So the question is this: Where do I meet classy boys?
Man I just finished my second year of college, and there are still no classy boys or ladies. I have far better luck with girls if I get really drunk and they get really drunk and we make out and then we decide hey maybe we should do this again sometime than I ever do by asking them out on dates.
I guess try to meet boys in the school library? Or like, go to talks and stuff like that instead of just hanging out at parties and shit.
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Where do I meet classy boys?
It's like buying second-hand clothes. You have to trawl through a pile of junk, and might, just might, find a gem.
Boys you think classy are also likely to share some interests with you - so to improve your chance of meeting them, go do things.
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interesting concept of that go do something and possibly meet someone. :-P
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weird, I was always under the impression that I could meet people by avoiding them...
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I guess try to meet boys in the school library? Or like, go to talks and stuff like that instead of just hanging out at parties and shit.
Definitely a bad idea, people that hang around in libraries are not classy. That will lead to meeting terrible individuals whose idea of class is to snort their ketamine from the case of a good CD. They will probably have good book collections though, which is better anyway.
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Man, the people in the library I hung out in would snort adderall so they could study for longer periods of time. Ketamine? Not so much. In fact, ketamine was pretty rare where I went to school.
I think the library is a good place to meet people. When I was in school I spent many, many hours at a table between the hardbound compilations of the Journal of Organic Chemistry and Journal of Leisure Research (seriously), drinking tea from a thermos and stipling pen and ink drawings.
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What are you studying and is there a common room with a bunch of regular folk? Hang out there (if you're worried about walking in to a room full of people who already all know each other turn up really early one day before people get in and sit there studying or something and then people will trickle in on their own and probably talk to you). Even if there are no classy boys (if you're doing, say, computer science or midwifery) they will probably know some!
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I want there to be a system where I just go to the library common area and fly a little flag saying "PMATH 330" or "PHYS 275" or something to advertise that I am working on such course and am interested in company.
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That is the best idea and I for one am going to try it.
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Hey so thread, I actually want an opinion on something.
I started seeing a girl about two months ago, specifically for the purposes of having a summer fling. We were gonna have a bunch of sex and hang out from time to time, but instead we ended up really liking each other, and going to see rock concerts, and holding hands and watching fireworks together and shit. So basically I am really psyched, except there are these two issues.
First, there's another guy. Before she was seeing me, she dated some dude for almost 8 months, and while he's been gone all summer, he's gonna get back into town sooner or later, and there is definitely still a connection between them. I am a pretty awesome dude, but I don't favor my chances against that sort of history. On the plus side, she regularly tells me I am much better than him in pretty much every way, except I am sad all the time, and also
Second, I'm in rehab. The girl likes to get really drunk, and likes to do a lot of drugs, whereas I can't do those things, and enjoy spending time with people who do do those things less and less. So even if I get past the other boy, once school starts she is back to a lifestyle of parties and drugs and having tons of fun that I both can't and wont participate in.
Logically, this is a terrible situation to be in, and I should get out. But I really like this girl, and don't want to?
So, advice?
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Does she know you're in rehab and still does those things? Either way I guess I'd be all straight up and tell her you can't and won't partake in her lifestyle once school starts back up. Say it before the boy comes back and you might have made yourself into A Challenge. We girls generally do like A Challenge.
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Guys I am sitting in my room alone and literally no-one is asking me to have makeouts with them. What is wrong?
Kiff, make an effort to be/seem happier, at least around her. I would say that no decent person would choose being able to do drugs over being with someone, but that's not really true. You should be able to arrage something that works for the both of you if you explain the situation and your feelings properly, right?
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weird, I was always under the impression that I could meet people by avoiding them...
So THAT'S what I've been doing wrong...
Anyways, I am studying psych which is an insanely popular major and all my classes are around 600 people. So that's not ideal for makin' friends.
Also Kieffer (can I call you that, we cool? I can't refer to you as Professor Snuggles and then try to give serious advice) I agree that your best bet is to be honest with her and tell her the whole deal and take your chances
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We girls generally do like A Challenge.
I'd say this is the basis for most of my dating successes but "success" seems like way too strong a word.
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So I try to be a classy lady, but I am in my first years of university and the average boy is not looking for a classy lady, in my experience. So the question is this: Where do I meet classy boys?
The kind of boys you're looking for are the ones that will be sitting in their dorm rooms hoping that a classy lady will fall into their lap. you may find them at the library, you definitely won't find them at the gym or the college bars. Most likely it'll be the guy throwing a frisbee around or kicking a soccer ball with a few friends. Ask if you can join in, and if you don't have to find the boy you're looking for, at least you have made a few friends.
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Logically, this is a terrible situation to be in, and I should get out. But I really like this girl, and don't want to?
I want you to die alone.
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Logically, this is a terrible situation to be in, and I should get out. But I really like this girl, and don't want to?
I'm gonna be a massive dick and suggest that maybe you just like being with somebody in general right now. It's nice to have a girl in your life. Right now it's this girl but maybe, just maybe it doesn't need to be this girl.
What I am saying is that this relationship seems to be ultimately doomed and you should look for a new one if being with somebody is preferable to being single.
This is definitely the foundation of our relationship, yes. At this point it is different?
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Dude I live in colorado springs.
All the non drinking/drugs girls are either in rehab too, or fundamentalist christians.
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Hi Kieffer,
Dude you are making excuses. It is a thing everybody does, but ultimately a thing that just prolongs a situation that isn't working. You're describing a relationship that doesn't fit your needs or newly realized expectations, and also a situation whose desired outcome (Kieffer + sober GF, winter 2009???) is entirely out of your control. Liking someone a lot (even a lot a lot) and having some mutual feelings doesn't always mean you are on the same page. She is totally not on your page, like even a little bit. She is reading the back of your cover and going Oh yeah looks like a good book I will totally buy this book (taking out her wallet to pay, she is thinking, I am probably not even going to read this, why do I buy books and never read them it is such a waste of money okay but maybe I will read it over summer vacation God why is it such a long fucking book and it looks like kind of a downer, maybe I will read Harry Potter again?) and then maybe she reads the first few chapters. I don't really know how to resolve the book metaphor, but it kind of sounds like a messed up situation. I hope all is figured out and happiness is found, Kief.
Internet:
Yesterday a forty-something married man struck up a conversation with me in line at the grocery store, then proceeded to follow me out to the parking lot and flirt with me and ogle my breasts. I found the whole incident really depressing: in the past two years, I haven't met even a single guy who has wanted to take me out on a Date, but apparently all guys, age 18-40, relationship status irrelevant, are totally interested in ogling me or getting me drunk or hooking up. I am not asking you guys How to Get a Date. Here is my thing: I feel like I have built up so much cynicism about guys because of my own personal experiences and trust issues, and I am worried that my own cynicism could get in my way if a nice boy does come along (or maybe even hurt me in attracting nice boys). My questions are more along the lines of: How do I get over said cynicism? Is the cynicism worthwhile/merited, or mostly exaggerated in my own head? Are there things I need to avoid doing so married men stop following me around in parking lots.
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I dunno 'bout you, but for myself, I've found it helps immensely to feel that I can deal with things going wrong, or with things not working out, or with an eventual betrayal of some sort, whatever. That even if something shitty happens, and it sucks for a while, I can handle it.
Why should your cynicism stop you from doing things such as putting yourself out there, if you know you can manage the risks?
EDIT: Or stop you from giving a new guy a fair assessment :o
Your personal experiences may have made you cynical and reluctant to invest in things like relationships, but would I be entirely wrong in thinking that they may also have prepared you for some bad things?
I dunno, I can only speak from my own experience. I feel that the very things that made me a fraidy-cat, the things that gave rise to my problems with trust and with intimacy, have also given me the ability to manage those difficulties. This may or may not be applicable to your situation =P
I admit it's still hard not to have too low a threshold for some things.
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I generally just make a point of not getting into conversations with guys 30+ because ogling is ALWAYS their plan and that's just not ok.
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to be fair, you can say that about most guys in their 20s as well.
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Yeah but the old ones know there isn't a chance of anything else, so they just get their kicks by staring and making you feel really really uncomfortable
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Uhm, I'm confused. I know a lot of girls my age who're in relationships with men that're 30+... I'm not saying there aren't guys out there who're just about the ogling, but...
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What is your age though? At 21, there is no way that I would be in a relationship with anyone older than 30
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I'm twenty-three! And I'm wondering, what's the magic line? Barring that dictated by the XKCD creepiness rule (http://www.xkcd.com/314/).
I mean, I find myself interested in girls between 20 and thirty, although I'll admit I probably won't get into a serious relationship with a thirty-year-old simply because the ones I've met have tended to be ready to really settle down and start thinking about having children.
Is that true for 30+ men as well? :o
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I generally just think that a guy over 30 who is cruising for girls over ten years younger has some problems with comittment and maturity that I really want nothing to do with.
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Ah, okay, now that I understand!
Hmmm. Poor girls who look for older men expecting the exact opposite :(
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with regards to overcoming cynicism, i am not sure exactly what advice to offer in this area except that i don't think you, or anyone, ever really fully gets over that. entering a new relationship and trusting someone is never going to stop being scary and risky, but that's also what makes it special and exciting in the first place.
if you find a boy you like and you are worried about messing it up, try your best to always, always be open and honest with him so he knows exactly what you want. while this might sound crazy, it is also extremely important to trust people who care about you and give them the benefit of the doubt if they ever do anything to hurt you because they deserve a chance to explain their side of things. people fight and disagree in relationships all the time, but very few people actually set out to deliberately hurt people they care about because what's the point? you just end up with a really angry person who then ends up hurting you back. hurting someone by accident is not the same thing as deliberately hurting someone, and the former is something that can almost always be overcome by just being as honest and open as possible so that you both learn from it. also, after being hurt it is often really easy to feel like said person doesn't care about you because you're going "man what the hell, they should have already known that would hurt me" but it's not obvious to them, it's only obvious to you. people can't read minds, they just do their best. think about it from your perspective - if you liked someone, would you rather have to continuously guess what did and didn't make them happy, or would you want them to just be upfront and tell you? you can do the same thing with people you are involved with too and just cos they couldn't completely figure you all out by themselves doesn't mean they don't care about you.
what it boils down to is that what you will probably end up interpreting a lot as boys hurting you is just them trying their best but getting it totally wrong a bunch of times, and forgiveness and understanding is pretty important in this department or else you will definitely feel like a cynical victim forever because let's face it, a lot of people in relationships have no clue what they're doing. there will always be people who will try to use you, though, and unfortunately you will have to figure out on your own who the people who care about you and the people who are just using you are. there aren't any easy answers for that, just your own judgment. sometimes boys are dicks, but sometimes girls (as a result of constantly hearing that boys are dicks, probably) are also overly defensive and accusatory toward boys who they think are terrible inconsiderate people but really are just a little oblivious and trying their best. however, if you are comfortable with discussing anything at any time, and also with swallowing your pride and listening to someone explain their side of things even when you are hurt and angry and don't particularly want to, that will make things much easier in the long run.
this post is a bit of a mess because i had a lot of ideas i wanted to put in here but they didn't all fit and so i just really messily trimmed it all down. sorry about that. hopefully there's still a couple of useful tips in there somewhere.
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You hit the nail on the head, speaking of giving people the benefit of the doubt.
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Tania I think I love you.
Everyone listen to Tania.
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I try not to listen to Tania or else I fall hopelessly and breathlessly in love with her.
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okay i'll come clean, a huge chunk of that actually came indirectly from "the ethical slut" which is a really great book on polyamory and open relationships i have been reading.
it's really good! even if you are not in an open relationship, it has lots of really valuable lessons and exercises in being honest and open and trusting and forgiving with people you love. it's really excellent. everybody should read it. that is also my relationship advice.
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I've actually wanted to read that book for a few years now. I feel like at this point 85% of it will be "well, duh" moments for me, but at the same time it'll be really cool to watch the author do a better job than I could at explaining a lot of stuff I think is really important but don't know how to say quite as well.
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I don't know how to reply, except to say that I woke up and had coffee and read your post and basically want to just go back to bed and cry, because that is totally it, I do not feel like I have the capacity to be in a honest and trusting relationship, at all. I called myself cynical in my original post, but it is sort of a weird thing, because cynicism is kind of an anticipation of bad events, and I have never actually correctly anticipated any of the ways boys have hurt me in the past. So I maintain this kind of angry, cynical wall on the outside just to hide how horribly afraid and insecure and naive I actually am, and I end up walking on eggshells when it comes to admitting to someone that I have my own needs or expectations, because I am so sure that doing so will irritate them and push them to drop stuff with me and leave. Which is actually a horrible thought to have about yourself, that saying something like "Maybe we can date?" would cause irritation in somebody else, but also if I am honest with myself it is totally what I believe, and I really have trouble imagining how someone would want to be in a relationship with me, at all.
This post is sort of a mess and I'm stopping because I sound really pathetic and also feel really terrible.
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Tania is right, though. No one can read your mind, and on top of that, we all have certain things we think everyone else SHOULD know or do or think like or whatever. These are mental distortions that get lots of people in trouble, and when you know about them you can start to understand how to work past them. Specifically, people who suffer from depression and anxiety disorders have a whole lot more of an issue with these, because of how we internalise things and overthink them and try to read between the lines. There is a book called The Feeling Good Handbook (http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-Handbook-David-Burns/dp/0452281326/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1247500916&sr=8-1), which is super out-dated and old so don't pay any attention to the treatment or drugs sections at all either unless you are a sociology student doing a study or something, but he puts it really clearly and succinctly and is very helpful.
And you know, even though I know about these hangups and I know how to get around them, that doesn't mean they just go away! They are pretty deeply ingrained in us, I think. Anyway, my boyfriend has a nasty habit of changing plans or changing his mind at the last minute and not telling me, or making plans to do something that doesn't involve me and not telling me. Usually it is something like going to stay at his mom's house for the weekend, or going to Savannah for spring break, or whatever. Even though we have talked about the fact that this bothers me because I need to be able to schedule things out and make sure everything I want to do for the day can actually fit inside one day, and because fucking up my plans throws off my whole day, he keeps doing it.
Most recently he decided to make plans to spend his day off hanging out with a friend from high school. He didn't say anything about it, of course, and so I decided that, since he hadn't made any explicit plans, he was probably going to chill out at home all day, and I figured I could help him with this project he has been working on and maybe we could work in that picnic he wanted to do over in the park a while back. Of course, when I asked him what he thought about all this that day while he was getting dressed and eating "breakfast" (at 3pm), he said he already had plans with Lindsey and that he had to go. I was miffed, of course, but I couldn't really complain because I myself had waited until the last minute to ask him what he was doing, so I putzed around cleaning and playing old video games and reading a book all day. However, when 4am rolled around and I decided to go to bed, and he wasn't back and I hadn't heard from him, I got slightly more upset. And then the next morning when I woke up and he was there, he had just got to sleep when they came in around 8 and had a big blatant hickey right on his neck (above his work-shirt collar, oh boy). I kind of got mad*. The best part? When I told him why I was angry he was completely baffled.
I finally realised that I had this notion in my head that he should be behaving a certain way and thinking in a certain manner. It finally became clear that this just wouldn't happen! I explained to him that it made me angry and hurt my feelings when he forgot to take me into consideration like that and went off without a word. I had to tell him that it felt like he was blowing me off, and like I didn't matter at all. And yeah, I felt like I was talking to a moron by spelling it out like that, but it just hadn't occurred to him to do otherwise. He hasn't had time to fuck it up (or not) again yet, but I think this time he may have got it.
*We are in an open relationship, see, and usually I do not care what he does, but hickies are kind of obnoxious and it was just kind of icing on the cake.
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Ok so I was going to post that before Clara got in, but I got distracted re-reading the wiki article (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_distortion) on cognitive distortions.
Clara, to be perfectly honest, I don't trust people. Ever. I am not sure if it is "trust issues", because I rely on people and tell them my feelings and form relationships with them and expect things from them. But I am pretty sure it is founded, at least intellectually, but maybe psychologically, in the fact that my dad died when I was so young. It's largely a survival strategy, and when I think about it I just can't think of a good way to refute it. I don't trust people to be around forever. I don't even trust them to be around tomorrow. When they are, it is pretty cool! But you can't rely on someone else to be there for you or to do something for you when they can't even guarantee it themselves. And they may not run away from you or abandon you or any other of the horrible things that people often do to each other, but they will die. So one way or another, eventually everyone will be gone. Of course, this stops mattering when you die, because your expectations and the things you want to do and accomplish are suddenly a moot point.
So basically what I am saying is that in spite of that, you can still put yourself out there. You can still love people and have experiences and live. It is hard, but it isn't impossible. Don't give up on yourself yet, because we are all broken in one way or another.
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I'm pretty sure a lot of people think of open relationships as "you get to love and care for me and I can do whatever I want without regard for your feelings because we're in an open relationship".
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So I maintain this kind of angry, cynical wall on the outside just to hide how horribly afraid and insecure and naive I actually am, and I end up walking on eggshells when it comes to admitting to someone that I have my own needs or expectations, because I am so sure that doing so will irritate them and push them to drop stuff with me and leave.
Clara, what you're saying sounds like ...
"If I want my relationship to succeed, I need to make sure my partner doesn't know about all the things about me that I don't like."
This is kind of a clunky way of putting it, but what you're talking about is a very, very common mindset. In fact, EVERYONE thinks this, to some degree. This is an easy way of saying "everyone has secrets." There is not a single human being on this planet who is genuinely proud and open about literally everything they are and have done. Sadly enough, it is completely standard and par for the course in our current culture. Take a look at basically ANY movie or TV show relationship and you will find this absolutely everywhere. Most romantic comedies are entirely based around some "hilarious" scenario in which two people (who may or may not initially feel antagonism towards one another) come to learn truths about each other in a fashion that initially threatens (and sometimes doesn't even end up strengthening) their budding relationship. We are CONSTANTLY being told, from every direction, that letting your guard down and telling someone about your real self is more likely to break a relationship than make it.
My belief is that ultimately, if you feel this way about yourself, it's not your fault. I mean, how many times have you seen (or read) a character in an entertaining and seemingly realistic portrayal of life say "If so-and-so finds out such-and-such about me, they'll hate me!" or some such nonsense? It's impossible to avoid being exposed to this trap. I personally find it very hard to imagine the parents who could successfully raise their child to approach young-adulthood without being afraid of using honesty as their first option.
If you can look at yourself and your life and see a pattern of self-defeating strategies (and it looks like that is exactly what's going on), give up on your strategies. They're not helping you. Focus on what you actually need and desire. Make mistakes trying to fill those needs and desires, because that's the only way you're going to learn (a) what they REALLY are (because almost nobody is actually right about what they really want on their first try), and (b) how you can reach a point where they're fulfilled in a sustainable way. Don't be afraid of screwing up, driving people away, making yourself look stupid, taking risks, or getting into something way over your head. Your life would never get better if you never did any of those things.
I'm pretty sure a lot of people think of open relationships as "you get to love and care for me and I can do whatever I want without regard for your feelings because we're in an open relationship".
Honestly, the way I've approached open relationships recently has been more like "I like this relationship because I get to love and care for you, which is fun, and you can do whatever you want without regard for my feelings because I'm so happy and secure right now that you'd probably need to try pretty hard in order to hurt me." It's been working OK, to be honest. It's starting to get a little stale, I think, but I don't really foresee changing my approach anytime soon.
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To be fair, my real self is not really the self I want to be.
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Being honest about both selves will beat being honest about only one of them any day.
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Yunior... I'm just wondering. Why would you want to be in a relationship where your needs and expectations aren't being met?
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Maybe Clara (hope you don't mind) has a different answer, but for a lot of people the answer to that is pretty simple. Loneliness! People like affection, companionship and conversation and sometimes the sort of stuff you can get out of a normal friendship is not enough/not quite what you want, etc. People get into bad relationships sometimes because they don't want to be alone. People stay in fucked up relationships sometimes because they don't want to be alone.
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Aren't affection, companionship, and conversation needs and expectations? Not to be nitpicky, but if we're talking about overcoming cynicism, we need to start by recognizing what was good and validating about past relationships, even ones that ended poorly. Just because all of your needs weren't being met and you found it necessary to end things, that doesn't mean that none of your needs were being met.
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Clara has to stay in relationships because that is the only way her grandfather's brother's nephew won't write her out of the will.
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It's not just loneliness either, sometimes it's the simple need to feel valued. Relationships can be a real ego booster, even the ones in which only one person is putting in a disproportionate amount of work into it. This isn't even just limited to romantic relationships either. For example, my mother is a nurse who works ridiculously long hours with severely disabled patients. It can be a pretty physically demanding job, but she gets a lot of satisfaction out of it because these people genuinely need the help. That's a healthy way of meeting the need, but in a perverse sort of way battered women who stay with their drunken lout of a husband are also often fulfilling the need to feel needed.
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There is a codependency disorder, though, wherein you are so desperate to feel needed that you create problems to fix for people so they will appreciate you and need you in their lives. I have a sneaking suspicion my cousin is codependent for some reason, but she is also a nurse, and that is a nice way of channeling it I think. But it can totally interfere with your life, not to mention other people's in whose lives you create problems. Most people are not codependent, and it is nice to feel needed, but if you feel desperation or depression when it seems like people in your life are functioning on their own you may want to look into that.
(not you, Alex, just general you)
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Internet:
Yesterday a forty-something married man struck up a conversation with me in line at the grocery store, then proceeded to follow me out to the parking lot and flirt with me and ogle my breasts. I found the whole incident really depressing: in the past two years, I haven't met even a single guy who has wanted to take me out on a Date, but apparently all guys, age 18-40, relationship status irrelevant, are totally interested in ogling me or getting me drunk or hooking up. I am not asking you guys How to Get a Date. Here is my thing: I feel like I have built up so much cynicism about guys because of my own personal experiences and trust issues, and I am worried that my own cynicism could get in my way if a nice boy does come along (or maybe even hurt me in attracting nice boys). My questions are more along the lines of: How do I get over said cynicism? Is the cynicism worthwhile/merited, or mostly exaggerated in my own head? Are there things I need to avoid doing so married men stop following me around in parking lots.
Maybe it can help to know that there's a lot of guys out there who has gotten really, really cynical because the women they like never wants to go out on a date with them but is totally comfy with telling them "oh I really want a boyfriend, why can't I find anyone?". Then these said women get drunk and make out with douches.
Dear relationship thread, why can't girls just say "I don't think you are attractive, funny or nice enough to even consider dating you" instead of making up lame-ass excuses about how they are "not ready for a relationship right now"?. When they get a boyfriend the next week, it hurts a lot more than if they'd just say "you're not really my type" or some equivalent, since that leaves guys like me sitting home alone in bed at 00:45 wondering exactly what's wrong with us. That's not fun.
Morale: if we'd just be honest, everything would have been a lot better in this world. I guess growing up in a world where everyone is constantly looking for flaws in you they can use against you pretty much destroys every hope we will ever have of honesty, though.
Bitterness isn't fun, people.
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But it can totally interfere with your life, not to mention other people's in whose lives you create problems.
(not you, Alex, just general you)
Oh, I definitely agree; I am just trying to point out that whether something is viewed as a healthy habit or maladaptive is often a matter of degrees and context and that no relationship is really inexplicable. My favorite example of context happens to be professional athletes. There's more than a few elite athletes out there who are competitive and routine oriented to the point of obsession. Follow any sports rumor mill for a while and you'll hear plenty of tales of players punching out a "slacking" teammate during practice or chewing out an equipment manager due to a minor incident disrupting their training routine. Being competitive to the degree that you value results over etiquette works in their favor because it contributes to succeeding in a high status position and so they relate best to other athletes who have the same mindset. On the other hand, if I acted like that during a pick up game at the Y nobody would like me and I'd be considered delusional.
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I don't know how to reply, except to say that I woke up and had coffee and read your post and basically want to just go back to bed and cry, because that is totally it, I do not feel like I have the capacity to be in a honest and trusting relationship, at all. I called myself cynical in my original post, but it is sort of a weird thing, because cynicism is kind of an anticipation of bad events, and I have never actually correctly anticipated any of the ways boys have hurt me in the past. So I maintain this kind of angry, cynical wall on the outside just to hide how horribly afraid and insecure and naive I actually am, and I end up walking on eggshells when it comes to admitting to someone that I have my own needs or expectations, because I am so sure that doing so will irritate them and push them to drop stuff with me and leave. Which is actually a horrible thought to have about yourself, that saying something like "Maybe we can date?" would cause irritation in somebody else, but also if I am honest with myself it is totally what I believe, and I really have trouble imagining how someone would want to be in a relationship with me, at all.
This post is sort of a mess and I'm stopping because I sound really pathetic and also feel really terrible.
I know exactly how you feel. In fact it goes beyond dating. I have to really rev myself up to call people, as I can just imagine them thinking "God, there's John again, calling without a good reason."
Anyway, people are acculturated to believe that the status of being in a relationship is inherently greater than the status of not being in a relationship (here in America at least). Think of the old woman, the "spinster", living alone, or the 35-year old virgin (and I'm not necessarily just talking about this guy (http://wow.incgamers.com/gallery/data/500/southpark.jpg)). We see the old woman and we think of how sad it is that she has no one in her life, we don't stop to consider that she might like it that way. We hear about a 35-year old virgin and immediately think "there's got to be some reason why no one's fucked this person yet", and we don't ever really think it might be because of some benign thing. If you are alone, there is something wrong with you.
And so we feel a lot of pressure to be in functional relationships because if you hit that 35 year mark and you haven't gotten your V-card pulled, or you haven't had some solid affirmative status vis a vis romance at any point (slutting it up and settling down with one person are both far more accepted and desirable things than being chronically single), then well it's got to be something about you that's preventing things from being right in the world (ie your being successful in the world of interpersonal relations like every upstanding member of society) If you haven't found the right person yet you need to lower your standards. If you don't really like the idea of sex, you're just messed in the head because you're silly or maybe you were ruined by formative experiences. Thing is, if you're not one of those few asexuals who don't really care about relationships, you want to be in a relationship, and you can feel the stigma growing and growing, you can anticipate having to explain your unusual history to prospective partners who you know will wonder, at the outset at least, if they haven't stepped on a landmine by getting into things with someone who really should know the ropes by now, who probably has some huge deal-breaking problem that they're trying to hide. You'll go out there and pitch yourself and it will feel as though you're trying to sell investment bank stock circa November 2008. And the risk with that is that you can resign yourself to being alone and thus create a self-fulfilling prophecy in your loneliness. Your age really doesn't matter because even if you're 22 you're anticipating that point at which you're 35 and (supposedly) hopeless. The pressure is always there.
Anyway Clara, if you feel like you're not in a place where you can feel good about the people you want to date and yourself, perhaps you should take a bit of time to yourself and try, futile as it may seem, to let go of the desire to be in a relationship for a little while. Rehabilitate your view of potential partners. Hang out with dudes who would in some possible world date you, who won't ogle you. Even though I struggle a lot with my self-image, I feel completely different when I'm with the best of my friends, because they're amazing people, and they wouldn't be hanging around me so much if there wasn't something about me that warranted that time. I don't know, I suspect that forcing yourself to grin and bear it and rush into a relationship with someone at this point won't alleviate your fears. I think your best route to peace is taking it slow. Eventually you just get so fed up with being frustrated with yourself that you can submit to different modes of thinking, which is a brave thing to do, and really hard, but I think that people are more capable of it than they care to admit to themselves.
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I'm pretty sure you guys are misinterpreting what Clara said (please, correct me if I'm wrong). Even in a good relationship you have to be vocal about what exactly what you want to happen in the relationship. I think that Clara is saying that she has trouble expressing these wants/expectations because she becomes scared that they will disappoint the other person or scare them off.
(Not you John, you posted while I was writing mine)
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Dear relationship thread, why can't girls just say "I don't think you are attractive, funny or nice enough to even consider dating you" instead of making up lame-ass excuses about how they are "not ready for a relationship right now"?. When they get a boyfriend the next week, it hurts a lot more than if they'd just say "you're not really my type" or some equivalent, since that leaves guys like me sitting home alone in bed at 00:45 wondering exactly what's wrong with us. That's not fun.
Morale: if we'd just be honest, everything would have been a lot better in this world. I guess growing up in a world where everyone is constantly looking for flaws in you they can use against you pretty much destroys every hope we will ever have of honesty, though.
Bitterness isn't fun, people.
Snalin, the fate that you seem to have fallen afoul of tends to happen in one of several certain sets of circumstances.
Either:
(1) the guy is exceptionally awkward about admitting actual sexual desire for the girl because he has been conditioned into believing that being horny (and acting like it) precludes him from considering her feelings. This generally leads to her experiencing more sexual attraction to guys who are more expressly sexual towards her, giving him a sense of being cheated in some way ("but I did everything right"), and bringing him to blame her when things don't go the way he wanted them to. The really nasty upshot of this is that guys who end up in this situation often come to see sex as a reward that it is only fair that they receive from a girl that they have attempted to support emotionally. The whole thing sucks ass because a guy who feels like he is owed sex on some level can't provide the truly empathetic emotional support that they hold as their real ideal on some level, and a girl who is having her own sex drive undermined by guys who are afraid of appealing to it directly often ends up making bad decisions in the name of sexual exploration with guys who aren't afraid of appealing to their libido directly but are actually not good people at all.
or
wait I can't think of any other situation that looks exactly like yours.
I know that I'm off the mark somehow, though. I'm projecting a totally stereotypical "Nice Guy Syndrome" situation onto you and I have no idea how accurate it is, I'm only going on what you said in a single relatively short post. What have I said that isn't ringing true?
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Or perhaps the last three people he asked out all had a thing for beards and he's clean shaven (or vice versa, I do not know snalin's facial topiary arrangements). Or maybe he's been asking out girls with vastly different interests who rank similar interests as a high priority in a prospective partner when he doesn't. There are innumerable possible reasons.
People often complain about the way people will use some phrase they believe to be neutral in order to let someone down easily when rebuffing their advances but really, it's not a big deal is it. The simple message is that they weren't interested and few people would prefer the blunt option really. Particularly since some of the time there isn't a particular reason. I've got no idea why I've turned certain people down, it just didn't seem right.
Thing is, liking someone doesn't mean they are obligated towards you at all. This includes not being obligated to tell you why they turned you down. Also, nobody has any right to a relationship. Sorry, but they can be hard to find since you have to encounter someone else also interested in having a relationship with you and no-one is obliged to feel like that and you can't expect them to.
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Also I don't think Clara is codependent at all. I was just responding to Alex and pointing that out because it is a significant difference.
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It is an interesting thing. Snalin, I was a little nervous my posts would be misunderstood, or might lend themselves to a Nice Guy/Jerk debate. It is not my intention to have that discussion, and it brings me zero comfort to think that other people are just as jaded as I am. Moreover, I hope what I am saying isn't misinterpreted as blanket statements about men and women. I'm talking purely about my own experiences, and 100% wanting to avoid categorical statements about how all men are big jerks (and would like to avoid reading categorical statements about how women only sleep with big jerks while complaining to their token nice boy friend). I know I said something to the effect of, "all men aged 18-40 enjoy looking at my boobs", and can totally see how that might seem like a categorical statement and how this rant makes me out to seem like a big hypocrite. But I think if my post were more clear, it would be immediately evident that I feel my own cynicism is getting in the way of my own happiness, and that that cynicism is unfounded and essentially pertains only to my experience with guys as opposed to a composite statistical database of guy niceness. I believe nice guys exist, and happy, healthy relationships happen, because I have seen both. My cynicism is, if anything, just compounded by this: I know happy relationship exist, why haven't I been in one? (Later on in this thread, we answered this question. It is because I don't want to share who I am with anybody except my Xanga. More on this later.)
Aimless, the reason is obviously because I need validation. Are you always such a tool?*
Everyone Else, thank you for your advice. It is sort of a curious thing. I like who I am, a lot. I think I am the coolest person. I have really great taste in music, I am really smart, I bring the funny, I am totally foxy and just now starting to overcome my shyness about that, I am always of the right opinion. I will spare you a longer list of great things about me (which is because I am the most considerate and loving individual and recognize how that might bore you). I totally like myself -- my issue is that I am not as convinced somebody else will like me as much. I genuinely enjoy spending time alone (as in, spending time by myself) and like who I am when I am single (as in, not dating). Therein lies the disconnect in two very separate ideas which I think are being discussed so far. One idea: society conditions people to feel that happiness is achieved in relationships by denying their own needs and hiding their own selves. (Resolution: Admit you have needs, be yourself even to chagrin of yourself.) Second idea: society pressures people into seeking validity in relationships, while finding fault in people who are not. (Resolution: Don't define yourself in terms others.) This is possibly a terrible synthesis, correct me where needed.
The distinction to be made here is that I do not feel pressure to be in a relationship, merely that I have decided to be honest with myself about wanting to be in a relationship. The first idea/resolution is more applicable to me, although I feel both ideas have a lot of merit. My cynicism is rooted in how my own want to be in a relationship has been stilted by yucky boys my inability to let my guard down/be vulnerable/take chances, set against the yuckiness that is my experience with boys (experiences where I was never honest about who I was or expressed what I needed. Or did, and got shot down. Jerks).
*(I know the correct answer is no, I beseech you to Be the Best you can Be)
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Here is my thing: I feel like I have built up so much cynicism about guys because of my own personal experiences and trust issues, and I am worried that my own cynicism could get in my way if a nice boy does come along (or maybe even hurt me in attracting nice boys).
My experience: I've been pretty fuckin' cynical and jaded towards all forms of human relationships after a while of feeling awful about a lot of stuff but hey I just met this real pretty girl and I'm not sure if she's into me or not but I've been having buckets of fun hanging out with her and enjoy her company and as recent as a month or less ago I was worried I was too dark-on-the-outside/empty-on-the-inside to feel emotion anymore but hey here I am feeling better than I've felt in a while, no longer afraid of drinking, no longer afraid of people no longer afraid of being happy just giving it a go.
Just what I am saying is if someone cool comes along you hopefully you will just snap out of your funk and feel good with it because like it or not you are a human being designed to feel stupid and fluttery when someone great spends some time around you.
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Guys, I'm single again because my lady in Albania didn't want a long-distance relationship, and I'm gonna be doing my best to move on. This begs two questions:
1. Is it too early for me to be doing this? There is definitely a certain degree of attachment that I have to her, she really is an awesome girl, but I don't want to be all hung up on something way beyond my reach either.
2. Do you think my self-confidence is gonna be just as unreasonably strong as it was at the peak of my experiences on my little TV show? I'm not sure if there's a way to test it, but I don't want to rush in and have an unexpectedly hearty blow dealt to it.
(Tommy hush you usually have a lot of good advice)
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I want a girlfriend so that I have somebody to help me shave my back, is this an acceptable reason?
Should I include this reason in my chat up lines?
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Dude, don't shave. Waxing will last longer, you won't get back stubble and if you wax regularly the hair will grow back finer, so it will be less of a problem.
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Now I need somebody to wax my back.
Relationships are hard.
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We are CONSTANTLY being told, from every direction, that letting your guard down and telling someone about your real self is more likely to break a relationship than make it.
i know this is a few posts back now but i was at work all day and i wanted to briefly add on to this because it is also an extremely important component of being in a really honest and trusting relationship:
society teaches us that the most important part of loving someone is loving their strengths and talents and virtues. when i worked as a counselor last year i got a really good piece of advice from another student who worked with me - she said that it is really easy to love someone when you only look at their desirable qualities, because everybody has something about them that's really neat and not all that hard to find and really easy to exaggerate and idealize, so what might feel special and beautiful maybe isn't really, cos it's pretty easy and doesn't take much effort at all. a relationship is really special, she said, only when you can totally and completely acknowledge all the really weird weaknesses and vulnerabilities about your partner too and say, you know what, that's completely okay, that doesn't have to change, i still like those qualities and i still like this person... and it also means you have to accept that about yourself and the people who are going to be attracted to you. opening up to people is super terrifying, but shared vulnerability is where so much intimacy comes from in the first place - again, taking risks and trusting each other is a big part of what makes relationships so exciting and special in the first place. when you learn to share your vulnerabilities with someone and be okay with the fact that they still love you regardless, as well as to be receptive and nonjudgmental and still care about someone when they share their vulnerabilities with you too, it is a really massive and really positive step toward the ultimately healthier and happier relationship.
however! sharing vulnerabilities is still really fucking hard and scary, and doesn't stop being hard and scary, and while testing and moving around your boundaries for sharing them can be a really good exercise in being open and honest with people you care about, in the end it all comes down to what you feel okay with and you also have to take care of yourself and not push your boundaries for sharing your real self beyond the point where you would feel completely like shit or freak the hell out. if you really, REALLY feel like you can't open up about certain things right now, you know what, don't - that's probably a lot better for your emotional well being right now. being completely honest and truthful with people about your vulnerabilities and fears doesn't happen overnight, it's gradual and often takes a really long time. be patient and do it in baby steps. even tiny achievements in this area are worth really feeling good about.
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Just what I am saying is if someone cool comes along you hopefully you will just snap out of your funk and feel good with it because like it or not you are a human being designed to feel stupid and fluttery when someone great spends some time around you.
At worst, you'll have gained a good friend. (This is basically what happened with the girl from my saga; she cut away my cynicism and although I can't be with her we have the best fuckin' times together full stop)
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Tania: That is really excellent advice. The only thing I think should change is the liking of others' weaknesses and faults to tolerance. You can work up to the former; that is part of the effort that usually goes into it I think.
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the guy is exceptionally awkward about admitting actual sexual desire for the girl because he has been conditioned into believing that being horny (and acting like it) precludes him from considering her feelings. This generally leads to her experiencing more sexual attraction to guys who are more expressly sexual towards her, giving him a sense of being cheated in some way ("but I did everything right"), and bringing him to blame her when things don't go the way he wanted them to. The really nasty upshot of this is that guys who end up in this situation often come to see sex as a reward that it is only fair that they receive from a girl that they have attempted to support emotionally. The whole thing sucks ass because a guy who feels like he is owed sex on some level can't provide the truly empathetic emotional support that they hold as their real ideal on some level, and a girl who is having her own sex drive undermined by guys who are afraid of appealing to it directly often ends up making bad decisions in the name of sexual exploration with guys who aren't afraid of appealing to their libido directly but are actually not good people at all.
This be great wisdom. *nods*
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Guys, I'm single again because my lady in Albania didn't want a long-distance relationship, and I'm gonna be doing my best to move on. This begs two questions:
1. Is it too early for me to be doing this? There is definitely a certain degree of attachment that I have to her, she really is an awesome girl, but I don't want to be all hung up on something way beyond my reach either.
2. Do you think my self-confidence is gonna be just as unreasonably strong as it was at the peak of my experiences on my little TV show? I'm not sure if there's a way to test it, but I don't want to rush in and have an unexpectedly hearty blow dealt to it.
(Tommy hush you usually have a lot of good advice)
Dude you can use the line "I am a rockstar in Albania" with all honesty. This is pretty much the best thing.
Also I'd say moving on would just be pretty much whenever it's right for you, since your ex is going to be in a completely different country, so there's no chance of crsuhing her heart by accident when you turn up to the same club with a new girlfriend two days after breaking up, or something.
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Hay guys,
So normally I wouldn't do this, but I need to bounce ideas off of someone and my friends are fantastically unhelpful.
I am not terribly unlucky in love, but it has been some time since I had a relationship. This is mostly because I've been moving a lot, but that excuse is running thin, and I'm starting to get worried. I'm 22, and I know that doesn't seem that old, but I swear to Jupiter that everyone I meet is married or in some kind of long-term relationship and I'm wondering if I missed the memo. I don't know if I even BELIEVE in love, much less have faith that I am going to find it, and I am philosophically and morally opposed to marriage (Note: This doesn't make me a non-romantic. I am the sappiest straight dude on the planet, I'm just realistic, as I see it).
My question is, now that I'm out of college, how bad is it that I am not interested in or have faith in lasting long-term relationships? Dealbreaker ladies? /LizLemon.
(Apologies if this is not Relationship Thread worthy)
(Also, is there like a guidebook to these forums or something? Because they're godamn incomprehensible. There are undercurrents and the undercurrents have undercurrents and the undercurrents have meshed together to form some sort of horrible cthonic mass that lurks just beneath the surface and it's always undulating and threatening to throw the entirety of the thread into chaos with its horrible tentacles of subdued meaning...)
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It's not wierd at all. If you don't feel the whole relationship thingy, then go out and have fun. Go to bars, flirt, meet girl and possibly take them home (protect yourself, inexp. condom). You'd be utterly surprised how many females are out there that are not looking for "drama" inexp. long term relationship. Just go out have fun. At some point in your life you'll think to yourself, maybe there is something more and get bored of the party life and want to settle down.
I'm not saying you have to do what is stated up above, but you most deffinately do not have to be in a long term relationship or even a serious one(whatever that is, right?). Just have fun and meet people... girls, guys, horses... whatever your thing might be!
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My question is, now that I'm out of college, how bad is it that I am not interested in or have faith in lasting long-term relationships? Dealbreaker ladies? /LizLemon.
If you aren't interested in long-term relationships then this seems like a more likely reason for you not having been in a relationship for a while than moving. Masterbainter's right, you just need to find other people looking for short-term things or a bit of casual sex along with being a friend if that's what you're missing.
(Also, is there like a guidebook to these forums or something? Because they're godamn incomprehensible. There are undercurrents and the undercurrents have undercurrents and the undercurrents have meshed together to form some sort of horrible cthonic mass that lurks just beneath the surface and it's always undulating and threatening to throw the entirety of the thread into chaos with its horrible tentacles of subdued meaning...)
No. I've been here years and half the time I have no idea what the hell these people are going on about.
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tania, since you think everything that i think and say it better than i ever could i am just going to make you my spokesperson from now on. thanks in advance.
Everything posted since Clara posed her question tells me that I am now utterly surplus to requirements on this forum.
but what would we ever do without our lecherous moses?
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No. I've been here years and half the time I have no idea what the hell these people are going on about.
everything on this forum makes perfect sense to me which is proof that i have spent far, far too much time on the internet.
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Oh Yunior, I wasn't trying to be a tool, I just expressed my wonderings poorly as always :(
I like myself, like my life, and like most people I've gotten to know... but I still really have a hard time feeling like anyone _else_ can really be _attracted_ to me. Attracted enough, that is, to make me feel secure in it. And as a twisted form of defense I've mostly laid roadblocks everywhere in order to make sure I never get beyond either a friendship or an undefined kind of dating that just doesn't go anywhere.
And I tell myself that I need: to get to know a person better, if I'm to really feel any attraction; to become comfortable with them, before doing something about it; to really feel wanted, and I swear I'll give anyone a chance as long as I like them and I feel they want me specifically, then and there. What I'm really mostly looking for is someone I like who'll take the first step and get me started, make me feel like I'm worth taking a chance on (:P). I guess I just want to feel irresistible, and I want others to convey that to me in a particular way.
I decided that, crazy as these demands may be, they were important enough that I could wait to have them met.
Not long ago, I was a mess of conflicting desires and needs and self-sabotage, but at some point I decided what it was I was looking for, what I really wanted and needed (may have been lying to myself, what do I know)... and was able to accept that, If I'm not willing to ease up on some of my demands, I might have a hard time getting what I want. I dunno how, but that made things okay for me. Made it easier for me to be happy and to appreciate everything else that was working just fine in my life, to appreciate all the things I hadn't been able/willing to appreciate previously because I was hurting too much about not being loved in the right way. And that was huge, because it turns out that, no matter what I wanted, what I was most in need of at the time... was probably not the right kind of validation so much as to feel happy and at peace.
I'm not entirely sure where I was going with this. None of the above may be of any use to you except to show that, from where you are now, you may end up going down one of several different roads. It might be something like the one I stumbled down, or it might not. I just hope that, whichever road you go down, you end up feeling great. Really really happy and at peace. Even if it isn't the one road you really _really_ wanted to take (although I hope you get that, too). that's enough outta me, obviously some more sorting out left to be done
cheerio!
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(Also, is there like a guidebook to these forums or something? Because they're godamn incomprehensible. There are undercurrents and the undercurrents have undercurrents and the undercurrents have meshed together to form some sort of horrible cthonic mass that lurks just beneath the surface and it's always undulating and threatening to throw the entirety of the thread into chaos with its horrible tentacles of subdued meaning...)
I guess this could be because some people have been here for a fair while, and also some people here also chat on other forums, in meebo, facebook, probably some other ways, and also know each other in real life?
Also some people are just kinda silly and don't make much sense anyway, or like to take the piss*.
*I'm afraid I don't know an American equivalent for this. Anyone?
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Thanks for the replies guys, but you misunderstand me.
I am not opposed to the idea of a long-term relationship. I might like to be in one. I've been in two or three before. That's not the issue. I just don't see why a relationship either has to be 'casual' or 'MAWWIAGE material'. I think in year terms, not FOREVER terms. I am concerned that as I grow older, girls will become concerned with procreation and settling down, which will never be options even if I am in love, and I am trying to gauge how much of a problem this will be.
Not to sound rude, since I solicited the advice, but I'm not 16. I didn't come looking for validation for my free-for-all sexy lifestyle.
Sorry for the confusion.
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It depends who you spend your time with really. As you get into your twenties you will find large chunks of people do get very interested in marriage, career, kids and the like. Happily, these are not the people who enjoy hanging about in squats, listening to DIY music and waking up under other people's tables with Big Star on the stereo. So for me the fact that I hate children, am unemployed and am morally opposed to ever having all that much money doesn't cause any problems. My girlfriend hates all of these things too and would stab me thoroughly if I ever proposed to her, but she does like getting hammered and hanging out with righteous dudes. If however you like fairly everyday activities and have mainstream interests then yeah, you probably will get more and more people telling you you're afraid of commitment or need to grow up or some other such nonsense as you get older and might find it hard to get into a relationship with someone who has similar interests.
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see, i am sorta mainstream in my interests and plan on having some sort of financially stable future. but the whole marriage and children thing just seems completely unappealing.
i feel like this is going to be a problem for me eventually.
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Fear not, there are a fair few people who aren't interested in marriage or children who have mainstream tastes and life-plans. You've just got a better ratio going on with the disreputable bastards, that's all.
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i don't get why it's that big of a deal? it's not like not wanting to get married and have children is such a crazy idea these days. let's put aside the fact that there are plenty of women (even 'mainstream' ones!) willing to place their careers etc ahead of wanting to raise a family.
i'm pretty set in the idea of not ever wanting to get married, and at least right now i don't think i'll ever really want kids. however, every guy i've dated has held the typical sentiment of eventually wanting to get married and raise children. i've always been really upfront in the beginning of the relationship about what my future wants and desires are, and so were they. it never got in the way of us having fun and being happy together.
if you are with a sane and rational person, they are going to understand that marriage is not the beginning and end of all things. they'll weigh their desire for getting married against their desire to be with you and they will probably end up choosing you if they like you enough. if they are the kind of person that has a set timeline for making babies and finding a husband then they probably have plenty of other qualities and issues which would make them a less than ideal companion for you anyways.
finding a person who has the same desires and expectations from life as you is always going to be hard. that's why relationships are built on compromise and honesty and will almost never be perfect. i bet those people who list marriage as a top priority are thinking to themselves 'why is it that no one these days ready to commit? why is everyone busy running around having casual sex instead of making babies with me??' no one has it easy.
oh and by the way, you know how you don't know if you believe in love and also don't have faith in long-term relationships? pretty strongly linked. you are probably going to completely reevaluate your expectations for relationships once you do fall in love. and to answer your question (sort of? maybe? finally?) i wouldn't worry about the fact that you haven't felt this way yet. some people seem to fall in love with everybody. some people experience their first love when they're thirty. just don't worry about it and have fun in the meantime.
EDIT: i really need to 'preview' before posting
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i'm pretty set in the idea of not ever wanting to get married, and at least for now i don't rethink i'll ever really want kids. however, every guy i've dated has held the typical sentiment of eventually wanting to get married and raise children. i was always really upfront in the beginning of the relationship about what my future wants and desires were, and so were they. it never got in the way of us having fun and being happy together.
I think this is a really important point. I really hate the idea that after 18 everyone should be dating solely for the purpose of finding their future spouse/life-partner. Just because two people don't have the same goals and will most likely not be great together in the long run does not mean that they can't have fun in the mean time. As long as you are honest with someone about your wants, there is no reason to not pursue them just because at some point in the future they may or may not want to get married.
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I was about to write a long post about articulating your wants but Mai (iamiam) pretty much hit it on the head. I see in your post a lot of what you don't want from a relationship. No long-term comitment, no kids, but not just casual either. This puts you in a middle ground which is fine, but it will be easier for you if you can say to someone "this is what I do want out of this relationship."
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Hey guys, remember me? To save you all from having to go find my old post: my problem, in a nutshell, was that my fiancé decided on the day before our wedding that he couldn't marry me, I was struggling with whether or not we should continue to be in a relationship, and nearly everyone in my family was being extremely immature about the whole thing.
Well, nearly a month has gone by since then, and my situation has evolved. My fiancé and I ended up deciding to just be friends, after trying the whole "just dating" thing and disliking it. We found that we just aren't as good for each other in a relationship as we are as just friends, and things are going quite well, even if it is a bit awkward.
But now I have a completely different relationship problem. While I was getting some time away from everyone, I took a mini-vacation to see one of my best friends who I had not seen in a while. While seeing him, it dawned on me what a sweet, kind person he has always been to me, and I guess I started to have feelings for him. At first, I just blew them off, because I figured I was only feeling them because I've been used to feeling similarly about my fiancé, and now that he's not around, I was just projecting those feelings onto my friend. However, it's been a while since I got back from that vacation, and I'm finding that the feelings are not going away as easily as I thought they would. This wouldn't be a problem except for two things. 1) I'm not interested in a relationship right now, anyway, because I would like to work out who I am and what my goals in life are before I start bringing someone else's thoughts, feelings, and wishes into the equation; and 2) he has a girlfriend, who is fiercely possessive of him, and would have my head if she knew about this.
So, while the answer seems to be that I should just tell him, explain that I don't want a relationship anyway, and move on, I can't really do that. If I tell him, I've got his girlfriend to deal with, and I don't think it would be fair of me to tell him that he can't tell her. I'm also afraid that, even if she wasn't in the equation, it would strain our friendship and I would have not one, but two awkward friendships to deal with. So... how exactly am I supposed to get rid of these unwanted feelings without making anyone upset or ruining any friendships?
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If you're not interested in a relationship it seems selfish to indulge yourself in telling him your feeling and then not acting on them, especially if he's already spoken for.
Find somebody else.
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repress them feelings until someone else catches your fancy. then make awkward jokes about it a few years down the line
(advice offered only partly in jest, telling the person is not a good idea. someone will probably come along soon that will appeal to you but not have the baggage of a partner)
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Basically, this is my whole relationship problem. Girls are too flirty when they're just trying to be friendly >.< Or at least that's how it appears to me...help? Preferably girls to answer with secrets about their mysteriousness.
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There's been studies on this and most of it implies that men are shit terrible at picking up on the difference between "flirting" and being friendly, so the problem is likely on your end and there's really not much you can do about it other than keep on plugging along despite getting turned down from time to time. The trickiest bit is the simple fact that not all people misinterpret in the same manner-- it's often split right down the middle between Mr. Oblivious, the dude who doesn't notice interest and the Eternal Optimist, the guy who thinks practically every friendly interaction is flirtatious. And unfortunately, women have to deal with both types of guys, so it's not like there's always an easy way for them to change their approach so that they're always sending the signals they want to send.
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ok yeah so i am one of those girls who all guys tend to think is really flirty when i am really not at all. i just try and be really nice to everyone i guess because i am just a nice person? but now i am finding it a little difficult to be myself around straight men because i feel like my motives are constantly misinterpreted.
i wish i could say to you "if a girl likes you it will be obvious because she will do this-and-this". but really all girls are different - some are really obviously flirty with every guy who will give them attention, and some are really shy with boys and will give only the subtlest hints when they like someone.
so here is my advice: if you are not into a girl then you might as well not concern yourself over whether she is flirting with you or not because what difference does it make? and if you are into a girl and she is being nice to you and you don't know why, then don't worry about whether she is flirting or not and just go ahead and make a move because at the very worst it'll turn out that she's just a really nice friendly person, and she'll probably end up letting you down in a kind, gentle sort of way.
ps, even when a girl is blatantly flirting with you, you should not always take it to mean anything more. some girls just like to flirt because it's fun or for the attention they get from it!
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I keep trying to post only to find that I belong in the "Better not be sober" thread.
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Don't listen it's all lies, she really wants you man.
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That would be funnier if you didn't already have a history of saying questionable things about women and personal relationships on this here forum.
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Mai is right: there are some of us that tease and joke around as a means of being friendly, which is apparently what all the other girls do when they flirt. I like flirting! But by god you will know it when it happens. My flirting is I will mow you down, or possibly try to get you alone. I am not a subtle person, but I am also kind of dense when it comes to realising that a dude has decided that our fantastic conversation about astrophysics we just had and the jokes about Carl Sagan are, in fact, an attempt to get into his pants. If I want in your pants, there are more effective ways to do it than talking them off.
Mynah: This is what is known as a "rebound".
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If you're not interested in a relationship it seems selfish to indulge yourself in telling him your feeling and then not acting on them, especially if he's already spoken for.
True. I guess I wasn't thinking about that before, and, now that you bring it up, it really does sound pretty selfish of me.
Find somebody else.
That's the thing, though. I don't want anyone right now, not even him. I just want to know if anyone has any advice on how to get rid of the feelings altogether, instead of just projecting them onto yet another person. Do I just have to deal with it? Are there any ways to make it easier? I can always distract myself, but even that's getting hard, especially since it seems like all I've been doing lately is distracting myself from how I really feel. I would just try to deal with it, but I have so many different feelings at the moment that whenever I try to deal with any of them, they all hit me like a ton of bricks. I would like to at least make these annoying ones go away as soon as possible, so I can at least still talk to my best friend without swooning over him like a 13-year-old girl and end up feeling worse.
Does that make any sense?
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Have you considered seeing a therapist? It can help to have a safe, non-threatening place to air all your dirty laundry once a week without feeling that you're overburdening / putting off family and friends.
There's no quick fix, but talking about and processing your feelings is a lot more helpful than distracting yourself from them or wishing them away.
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feelings don't just go away over night and there is not much you can really do to speed the process. in fact, sometimes they just never go away at all - they just become tolerable. time and distance are really the only solutions to letting go after a relationship comes to an end.
the only advice i can give you is try to distance yourself from your ex. the less time you spend thinking about him the better, and the easiest way to stop thinking about him is to speak to and see him as little as possible. i know it's really tough because in doing that you are distancing yourself from one of your best friends, but you both may need (more) time apart to let your emotions cool.
at least you recognize that what you are doing is just projecting feelings onto your friend, so there is no use stressing over them or trying to act on it. just be patient and they'll eventually go away.
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Mai's right. At least 6 months I say, as a general rule, should be spent with no contact post-breakup. A friend of mine never broke contact with her ex, indeed she tried to stay good friends with her, being supportive and all that, and the result is that she can't spend more than a few hours with her ex because the ex will cry and profess undying love, because the concern that my friend shows, while good on its face, gives the ex hope that there's still a future with them (the ex is in her mid-twenties and rather fixated on the idea of being validated through a serious relationship). Hanging around someone you've dumped just rips the scabs off every time you see them. It's actually kind of cruel.
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(http://s2.buzzfeed.com/static/imagebuzz/terminal01/2009/7/14/13/doomed-relationship-chart-21952-1247593569-6.jpg)
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@Elizzybeth: I am actually seeing a therapist, but she's not really much of a help. When I start talking about my feelings about this whole mess, she diverts the conversation towards things with very little relevance. That's what I get for choosing the cheap therapist over a good one, but that's a conversation for another time.
I do get what you're saying, though. I know that it's not very good for me to keep distracting myself, but whenever I try to face the feelings, they come rushing at me at once and I always end up curling into a ball of angst. When I do get a chance to talk about them instead of dealing with them on my own, though, it does feel much, much better. Unfortunately, it is a rare occurrence that I come across someone who is willing to listen and not interject their thoughts about how my ex is such a horrible person, what a mistake I made being with him in the first place, and blah blah blah. Things like that make me want to stop talking to people altogether.
@iamiam and KvP: Thanks for the advice about staying away from my ex, I will keep it in mind.
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Mai's right. At least 6 months I say, as a general rule, should be spent with no contact post-breakup. A friend of mine never broke contact with her ex, indeed she tried to stay good friends with her, being supportive and all that, and the result is that she can't spend more than a few hours with her ex because the ex will cry and profess undying love, because the concern that my friend shows, while good on its face, gives the ex hope that there's still a future with them (the ex is in her mid-twenties and rather fixated on the idea of being validated through a serious relationship). Hanging around someone you've dumped just rips the scabs off every time you see them. It's actually kind of cruel.
This is incredibly relative. My girlfriend has remained living with her ex since they broke up for close to two years now and it's done neither of them any harm. They've remained very close friends and her ex in particular would have been much worse off without this, he would have been left very alone if she'd made a decision to stay away from him for fear of giving him ideas about them getting back together. Not that breaking off contact is always a bad idea, but at the same time it can be a really terrible one that loses you the support of someone who cares about you at a crucial time.
Mynah, it actually sounds like you're dealing with your situation extremely well all in all. Any chance you could change your therapist, or seek alternative counseling such as through work or an educational establishment you attend? Also, when people start banging on about how terrible your ex is do your best to bring them up short. Not always easy and very possibly something you're already doing all the time and getting sick of, but hopefully if they care about you they'll start to listen and realise that what you need is someone to talk things through with not the overblown solidarity condemnation that you're quite rightly sick of.
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the question whether or not the broken relationship needs distance can probably be answered pretty quickly by simply asking yourself, "can i handle being around this person?"
that might look like possibly the dumbest and most obvious thing i have ever written in this thread, but lots of people don't know the answer to that when they get out of a relationship. so, my very, very overgeneralizing recommendation is that if the answer to that question is neither a yes or a no but an "i don't know"... that's a no. you probably can't handle it. go with the distance. don't try to have any contact unless you are really, really 100% sure you are both emotionally capable of handling it, or else you'll keep doing further damage to yourself at a time when you're supposed to be healing.
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re: Telling if girls are flirting/interested and such.
The Confusing Girl is back and asked me out to dinner and a party last Saturday and also gave me a present. We went out just the two of us and had a whole bunch of fun, which was great, but now I'm really fucking confused again as to if she's keen on me or not.
I think the last time I posted here she'd basically said: "I used to like really you, but now I'm not really that into you." and was putting me off if every time I asked her out just the two of us in a date-like situation. Now she's doing the asking out herself, completely umprompted.
So I guess this is probably what not to do if you want to avoid giving guys the wrong idea?
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re: Telling if girls are flirting/interested and such.
She is into you if she asked you out to dinner.
She had a crush on you a long time ago and never acted on it. Then when you came around again she maybe didn't feel as strongly for you, but the "I never tried him when I wanted to" feeling is still there. She may have been putting you off recently because she wants to feel you out and see how you react to her after her telling you she used to like you. Girls that I used to know in Highschool, do this all the time to me when I go back to visit family in my hometown. Usually an easy date for the night.
Now that you asked her out a couple times and she declined then has come back to ask you out it's pretty obvious. She wants to give ya a go. Just don't read to much into it. Just go with the flow and see what happens. She's probably just as oblivious to your actions as you are to hers.
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Nah dude you are probably wrong. Katie and Mai both summed it up. Every girl is different with the flirting and the hanging out. Maybe she wants to be friends with him still? I don't know, I hang out with dudes all the time. Two of my best friends forever are straight cute boys who I wouldn't want to date, ever, but I ask them to hang out like every other day. We even cuddle! Still don't wanna date/make out/bone either of em though.
In Nick's case, that girl really is confusing. She probably doesn't know what she wants either! And that's okay.
(I do agree with the go with the flow and don't read too much into it, just not the "it's pretty obvious. She wants to give you a go" part.)
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Or, you know, you could just ask her straight up if she likes you.
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Guys I don't know if this qualifies as relationship advice but...
For the last few days I've been all snappy and pissy at my girlfriend for basically no reason at all. Basically I've been depressed and angry and stressed out of my mind and I've been acting like a dickhead towards my girlfriend so, given that I've had the day off today I've cleaned the flat and I'm in the middle of making a nice big dinner that will be ready for when she gets home from work. I've just put the oxtail stew on for simmering but it won't be ready for another 2-3 hours, while that's going on I've also cleaned the kitchen and made the bed. Ingelise likes everything to be all neat and tidy and one of the only things we disagree on is the cleanliness of the flat (she cares, I don't - Lunchy can attest to this).
Anyway I guess what I'm getting at is should I serve the spinach and mushrooms together or fry the mushrooms in some garlic butter and serve them separately?
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Man, most of the time reading this thread only confuses me more and breaks my resolve. I find the less I think about these things, the more successful I am.
I should add, this applies only to the flirty approach, not the post-relationship healing. You guys are giving some fantastic advice on that.
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We even cuddle! Still don't wanna date/make out/bone either of em though.
And they are 100% just fine with "just cuddling" all the time? I'm not every guy, but i'm deffinately one of them.
I can't speak for everyone out there, but If a girl asks me out to dinner like to take me out, she usually has something (like feelings) for me. I know not everyone is the same and I don't try to generalize but it's not wrong to assume that someone that has had a crush on you and now is asking you out on a "date" is probably into ya.
.. i'd like some advice on this...
This girl I knew from work that moved away is moving back. I never got to out and hang with her when she lived her as I was dating someone that couldn't go out. Well she is moving back and I asked her if we were gonna go hang out some night. She pull this line, "you sure your girlfriend is gonna be okay with that?"
Please let me know what that means. Thank you.
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Sounds to me like she is assuming that you are still together with the same girl? Have you been talking with her recently?
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Or it could be that she thinks that your girlfriend may have an issue with you hanging out with another girl, just the two of you? It sounds like a fair enough question to me, and pretty straight forward.
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Sounds to me like she is assuming that you are still together with the same girl? Have you been talking with her recently?
I am. She is aware of this.
Or it could be that she thinks that your girlfriend may have an issue with you hanging out with another girl, just the two of you? It sounds like a fair enough question to me, and pretty straight forward.
I'm sure my girl wouldn't be thrilled. But I would probably bring her with if anything. Besides can't guys just have girls they hang out with?
I'm not trying to be passive aggressive (I know it is).. Why would this girl think it would be a problem for me to go out and hang out with her as a friend?
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She wants in your pants. Stockpile condoms.
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freaking knew it! I should ask my girl if she's down for 3 somes!
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Anyway I guess what I'm getting at is should I serve the spinach and mushrooms together or fry the mushrooms in some garlic butter and serve them separately?
Fry them in garlic butter and serve them separately.
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freaking knew it! I should ask my girl if she's down for 3 somes!
No, fry them in garlic butter and serve them separately.
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Anyway I guess what I'm getting at is should I serve the spinach and mushrooms together or fry the mushrooms in some garlic butter and serve them separately?
Fry them in garlic butter and serve them separately.
I disagree. You could fry the mushrooms in the garlic butter and then put them aside, wilt the spinach in the frying pan and then serve the mushies on top of that.
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I'm a girl and I hate garlic.
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I disagree. You could fry the mushrooms in the garlic butter and then put them aside, wilt the spinach in the frying pan and then serve the mushies on top of that.
I turns out that I did exactly this. Good show McTaggart.
I'm a vampire and I hate garlic.
Fixed your post.
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I disagree. You could fry the mushrooms in the garlic butter and then put them aside, wilt the spinach in the frying pan and then serve the mushies on top of that.
I like that you call them mushies. It's cuter than shrooms.
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'round here "shrooms" refers exclusively to psychotropic mushrooms.
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Hey thread, haven't you ever just asked yourself Oh god what have I done
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Yes, yes, and thrice yes. It happened at the worst possible time as well. I was failing to ask a girl out, said some incredibly stupid things, then didn't realise until about three hours later. :|
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Hello Relationship Advice Thread. I need a place to vent for a bit and maybe get some random, unbiased opinions because I'm at work and all my friends are busy. And so:
I love a girl. We've broke up twice because she thinks she doesn't feel a "spark" anymore. I do. I think it is still there. She thinks I'm exactly what she wants, but she just doesn't feel it and wishes we could give it another chance but doesn't want to hurt me again. I'm in the same boat. We're trying not to talk to one another for a while in the hopes that we can salvage a friendship, since we can't seem to be able to live without one another for more than a week. She's 16, I'm 19. It feels pretty hopeless. What does the internets think?
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Wait for a very long time. If it hurts, that's okay. Get over one another. If you want to be friends, it has to be with a clear head and a clear heart because otherwise, it will just get worse. You can't just immediately change the dynamic of a relationship. I dated someone and after 8ish months we started talking and became really good friends. It can happen, but you really need to take the time.
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You think there is no way to bring the "spark" back? There is no use in giving it another chance?
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The best way to see if there is a chance for getting the "spark" back is to leave it alone. Don't force it. Spend time apart and in a while, if you guys still feel it, try pursuing it.
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freaking knew it! I should ask my girl if she's down for 3 somes!
No, fry them in garlic butter and serve them separately.
Great, now there's orange soda on my monitor. Bastard.
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DEAR RELATIONSHIP ADVICE THREAD,
NO MATTER HOW MUCH I SHOWER, I STILL SMELL JUST A LITTLE BIT LIKE SEX. IS THIS SOME CHANGE IN MY BODY CHEMISTRY DUE TO BONING, OR AM I JUST NOT WASHING THOROUGHLY ENOUGH?
IT WOULD NOT BE THAT BIG A DEAL, BUT I DO NOT WANT TO GET FIRED FOR PREPARING FOOD WITH SEXY HANDS.
LOVE,
KIEFFER.
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OH ALSO, IS THERE ANY CHANCE THAT AN INCREASE IN SEXUAL ACTIVITY COULD RESULT IN AN INCREASE IN HORMONE PRODUCTION?
CUZ EVER SINCE I STARTED BONING ON THE REGULAR AGAIN, THE HAIR ON MY ARMS HAS BEEN CREEPING UP MY SHOULDERS AT A REALLY ALARMING RATE.
WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT THIS?
LOVE,
KIEFFER.
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Hey relationship thread. There's a friend of mine back in Albania who apparently decided that now would be a perfect opportunity to inform me that she likes me.
Do I:
A) stab her in the face for not telling me when I could've done something about it?
B) stab her in the face for telling me at all?
C) sit around and get more depressed?
D) other?
Lately it's been C but I wanna know if D has something better in store.
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DEAR RELATIONSHIP ADVICE THREAD,
NO MATTER HOW MUCH I SHOWER, I STILL SMELL JUST A LITTLE BIT LIKE SEX. IS THIS SOME CHANGE IN MY BODY CHEMISTRY DUE TO BONING, OR AM I JUST NOT WASHING THOROUGHLY ENOUGH?
IT WOULD NOT BE THAT BIG A DEAL, BUT I DO NOT WANT TO GET FIRED FOR PREPARING FOOD WITH SEXY HANDS.
LOVE,
KIEFFER.
Just wash more thoroughly. Once your skin is red, you have cleaned well enough. Not pinkish red, like your hands are really cold, bright red, like they have been flayed. Exfoliation is good for the skin, and helps get rid of the lingering sex smell. Trust me, I'm a doctor.*
OH ALSO, IS THERE ANY CHANCE THAT AN INCREASE IN SEXUAL ACTIVITY COULD RESULT IN AN INCREASE IN HORMONE PRODUCTION?
CUZ EVER SINCE I STARTED BONING ON THE REGULAR AGAIN, THE HAIR ON MY ARMS HAS BEEN CREEPING UP MY SHOULDERS AT A REALLY ALARMING RATE.
WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT THIS?
LOVE,
KIEFFER.
I'm glad you asked when you did, Kieffer. Your problem is not uncommon, but if left untreated, can turn serious very quickly. The first thing you need to do is wax your arms and shoulders daily. If this does not stop the hair growing, increase frequency to twice daily. If that still doesn't stop it, increase to three times a day. The pain tells you that it is trying its hardest to work. If even that fails, let me introduce you to your new best friend: Muriatic Acid. It will hurt, but the alternative is worse. Life... with back hair.
*Of Theater
Patrick, D) fly back over to Albania, bone the hell out of her. Now.
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Patrick, D) fly back over to Albania, bone the hell out of her. Now.
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Be happy, this Albania business seems to have been all sorts of great =P
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Hey Relationship Thread, what do you do to get over a massively bad breakup? (Ideally what you would do within the first week or month of one)
Apart from drinking, doing drugs, and boning other people, that is.
(I'm not sure if I could even makeout with strangers because I haven't had any experience with rebounds. Casual anything doesn't sit well with me, but maybe I should try it?)
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cry a lot! crying is good. if you can't cry, you can make yourself cry with super sad movies or super sad songs. that sounds pretty weird but i have been trying that recently when i am feeling particularly depressed or frustrated and it's actually immensely helpful in getting things off my chest so that i am calm and relieved enough to make it through the rest of the day.
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Rebounds are not necessary. Some people find them helpful. I find them depressing.
If it was a serious, long term relationship, the most important thing is to find yourself as an individual again. When heavily involved with someone, we tend to start to identify ourselves as half of a pair, which leads to thoughts like "how can I possibly be happy without him?" I think this is a good time to indulge in things that you find happiness in, especially things that are unique to you. Often, when we're in relationships, we fall out of our old patterns of life. We need to spend time with the other person in a relationship, so we stop doing some things that we might really like. What haven't you had time for recently? Music? Books? Wednesday Night Poker with some friends? Hiking? Do those things again, and enjoy them. Even if you're still sad, you can usually find some glimmer of contentment in something you love. I remember feeling sad about the end of a relationship and going for a long hike. I got the top of a high hill and looked out, and felt refreshed and invigorated, and deeply content, while I was still also grieving my lost relationship. That was an important moment for me in letting go.
Creative output can be incredibly important. Painting, writing, cooking, etc. can all be very helpful. Don't try to produce for other people, just produce for yourself. Who cares if you're writing the 50 billionth mopey love song in the world? No one else might ever hear it, but putting your energy in to something creative instead of focusing on the destructive will be greatly helpful.
And what Tania said is important. Cry. Give yourself room to grieve. Don't let people convince you that you should just be happy. You'll probably hear a lot of people say "don't think about it so much" and "he isn't worth all this crying" and things like that, but the end of a relationship can be a serious loss, so go ahead and mourn it.
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Oh man, I'm glad you said something about that, Tania. I hate crying, especially if it happens as a result of me drinking too much and getting emotional. Guys don't like dealing with that because crying = sign of weakness, right? But crying in private is all good.
I guess I could try watching a tear jerker and see where that goes... heh heh.
Benji, thanks for all the great ideas. Unfortunately, when I've broken up with someone I find that I can't listen to a lot of my favorite music or go to places that remind me of the person. It's all pretty overwhelming for awhile, but I will try using my energy for something besides laying around in bed feeling depressed. And you're absolutely right about friends giving advice like, "Don't think about it" and "It's not worth the pain." They have good intentions, but they weren't involved in the relationship so they can't fully understand why I have trouble dealing with the breakup.
PS: Kieffer, wtf?! Are you sexing in the shower as well, or do you just have an overabundance of pheromones? Either way, TMI.
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Hello everyone, sorry for not being much in this thread or forum but I need some advice. Several of my cast members for the edinburgh fringe are trying to get me laid. I am not entirely sure I should be pleased with this, please advise as to what to do.
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the most important thing is to find yourself as an individual again.
My second wife refused to let me start a relationship with her until I had lived alone for six months after my divorce, which on reflection I realised that I had never actually done before (I don't count uni as I was in college accomodation throughout). She was right, and I benefitted considerably. I sang in choirs, and played the piano instead - lots of Brahms.
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Uhm.
LISE! Embrace your crisis-reactions, invite your anti-trauma defences in to come stay with you.
In the short term at least. Crying, feeling happy, feeling numb, being generally labile, distracting yourself, withdrawing from much of your life, etc etc, any (perhaps most) of these will/may feature strongly in the coming few weeks or months, in various constellations, often at unexpected and entirely inconvenient times.
That's a part of getting over things, and I'd say do what you can to help those strategies along when you feel like it, however you feel like it. At least for now.
As for the advice of friends... it's not bad advice. Don't think about it, it's not worth it, etc. Solid advice that your own mind will make use of from time to time, whether you like it or not. And I don't know about your friends, but, on the whole, when people give that kind of "advice"... they know it's no good in itself. In my case, and with my friends, it took a while before I learned to see that for what it really was: an assertion that they're there for me. They know I'm hurting, and they'd like for it to be better.
Like I said, I don't know about you and your friends. In summary, my advice is, do-think-feel whatever you feel like, as long as it isn't likely to have long-term harmful consequences.
Something more concrete: hang out with your friends. Single ones or the ones that have paired up? I have no idea. Switch around so that no-one, like, dies from exhaustion.
EDIT: And I reckon it might help to know that you'll "get over it" with time, even if things might suck in the meantime.
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Hello everyone, sorry for not being much in this thread or forum but I need some advice. Several of my cast members for the edinburgh fringe are trying to get me laid. I am not entirely sure I should be pleased with this, please advise as to what to do.
Forget about the cultural preconceptions of what you should want. Do you want them to get you laid? If yes, be happy about it. If no, either tell them to cut that shit out or let them have their fun, but don't do it. If you aren't sure, figure that out and get back to us, or at least get to a point where you can explain your feelings over the situation.
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For reference: Gettin' laid is pretty wicked awesome sweet, brah.
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Can be, from how I understand it. And if someone isn't sure about it, I would guess they probably shouldn't.
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josef, is there a specific reason you don't want to have sex with anybody just yet? i'm not going to be judgmental or tell you you're wrong or anything, just curious. i think you posted about it before but i already forgot.
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Guys don't like dealing with that because crying = sign of weakness, right? But crying in private is all good.
REAL MEN CRY.
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Right. If they lose a relative, or a dog, or get hit very hard in the penor. But those are the only acceptable times.
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Are you surprised by my tears sir? Strong men also cry....
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I don't think the general lack of crying thing is mostly just due to the sign of weakness bullshit people pull out all the time. I don't know when it happened but at some point I stopped crying over most things and for the most part my upbringing was remarkably free of macho posturing. At some point my I'm-going-to-cry-now threshold just up and raised itself to the point where it doesn't get triggered very often even if I do feel sad or upset. Frankly, I'm fine with that; tears are kind of a messy business anyway and they make the skin around your eyes feel all raw. If tears come, they come, but it's hardly like you really need them to mourn.
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There's no specific reason, I just don't really feel that I want to have random sex with someone and I also only want a relationship with someone that I actually have feelings for. Its not religious or anything, in case that was the question, its just that I get the feeling its something that people tend to run into too quick and once done for the first time seems to have a strange hold on the person from there on out.
I think I am going to let them keep trying, its the fourth such attempt in my life time and I must admit the previous ones were all entertaining.
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So my girlfriend just left to study abroad in Australia (townsville) for 6 months. I miss her something fierce after just a few days...how have people done with long-distance relationships here? I expect it to be damned difficult, but is it workable? We've been together around a year now and more or less lived together for half of that time, so it's very strange to not have her around.
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LDRs are 90% unworkable. I've honestly never personally known anyone (myself included) who made one work long-term.
However, there are those who have. I'm not really sure what their secret is besides a hell of a lot of determination on both sides of the relationship.
OTOH, it is worth noting that 6 months isn't much of one. The knowledge that there is an end to it is extremely helpful.
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I'd say it's a pretty good test of your relationship. If it's important to both parties, then you will make it work. My favourite couple (uhm, as in friends of mine who are adorable and who keep the hope alive that happy couples do exist) did like 12 months apart due to an exchange program, and I saw them the other night and they are reunited and happy as ever and talking about getting married.
So wellllll, good luck!
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I am currently 1 year into a 2 year stint of long distance relationship. We used to live in the same dorm in college, then 1 hour apart for gradschool, then i took a job that was 13 hours driving distance away. We talk every night and we visit every few months. It sucks but its doable. I am taking this time to enjoy my last year of bacherlorhood and trying my best to get in shape for my upcoming wedding.
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So I guess I am single again.
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Commiserations or congratulations, depending on the circumstances.
Also I have sorted shit out with the Confusing Girl (again).
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Why the hell would you study abroad in Townsville of all places in Australia?
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I'd like to study a broad please.
Phwoarrrrr.
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Why the hell would you study abroad in Townsville of all places in Australia?
She's really big into the environment and stuff, and the place she's studying at (James Cook University) has classes where you go to the Great Barrier Reef pretty much every day. That was her main reason for going there.
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No excuses for going to Townsville.
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Also I have sorted shit out with the Confusing Girl (again).
Nick I am glad, was it a good sorting out or a bad sorting out
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Did it involve a hat?
A hat specifically for sorting?
A Sorting Hat ?!?
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I now have a mental image of a couple taking it in turns to put on the sorting hat after which the hat decares where their relationship will/should go. examples include "Summer fling!" "Friends with Benifits!" "Married with two kids!" "Uxoricide!"
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My now-ex-boyfriend is being distinctly not-naive about the notion of us "taking a break", even though he was the one who suggested it. It is nice, except that he keeps trying to message me or call me so I can help him feel better.
I wish I could cry. It might make it a little easier.
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Why the hell would you study abroad in Townsville of all places in Australia?
Cause the powerpuff girls gotta be at least 18 by now.
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Is this the ex-fiancee? maybe you should just lay down the law and tell him to stop calling? I'm sure you have plenty of other friends, do you really need him around? cutting him out of your life completely may help you move on?
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...I had a fiancé?
Wait, I had a finaceé? What rumours are circulating about my lifestyle? I would like in on them!
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Sorry, got you confused with another poster. :)
this one:
my problem, in a nutshell, was that my fiancé decided on the day before our wedding that he couldn't marry me
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I now have a mental image of a couple taking it in turns to put on the sorting hat after which the hat decares where their relationship will/should go. examples include "Summer fling!" "Friends with Benifits!" "Married with two kids!" "Uxoricide!"
That just gave me an idea for a Kinky Magic 8-Ball.
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YOU ARE NOT THE FIRST PERSON TO HAVE THAT IDEA.
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HOW DO I TELL GIRL 'LOOK I LIKE YOU GEEZ WILL YOU MAKE UP YOUR MIND HUH?' WITHOUT BEING RUDE?
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Oh hey look I'm following professor snuggles' lead again.
(by which I mean the all caps)
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HOW DO I TELL GIRL 'LOOK I LIKE YOU GEEZ WILL YOU MAKE UP YOUR MIND HUH?' WITHOUT BEING RUDE?
I have a friend who would like to know this. I told him to tell her to chuck off. I this may or not be a good idea depending on the situation.
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uhhhg I do not want to do that because if it works and she decides she does not want to chuck off then I will always think 'well fuck she didn't want me until I told her to chuck off' because I think I would like to think that relationships can be more mature than that.
This girl is cool but I keep ringing through to her voice-mail which isn't set up on her phone and part of me wonders if she is just not picking it up.
Sometimes it is all happy-eyes and laughing and other times it seems like total disinterest.
This is probably what I deserve though.
I just want to cook her some delicious fuckin' steak with peppercorn sauce though! Come on!
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ugh suck sucky fucking suck
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Well, as some of you might know by now, there is this girl I like. And I am still very upset about the situation.
I have come to the decision that the best thing to do is probably to just tell her how I feel. The question that I have is: How?
There are four different options:
A: Tell her in person. This could be complicated because I don't know if and when I will see her again.
B: Send a lenghty message via the internet, explainging in detail how I feel.
C: Call her on the phone. Con: I'm not very good at that and I have never spoken to her on the phone before.
D: Send her a text message by mobile phone.
So what do I do?
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I recommend A or C. Both are a lot more personal than text/internet, so if it doesn't go as well as you hoped, at least you'll have the solace of being personal. Plus it may seem kind of cowardly to do it over the internet/text, whether you can see her again or not. I'm in basically the same situation myself; I'm just waiting until I see her again.
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Write her a series of anonymous letters about all of the little things you like about her. Include seemingly unintentional clues so she can figure out the letters are from you.
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Or maybe do a sexy dance.
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Do a sexy dance.
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ugh suck sucky fucking suck
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Do a sexy dance.
And post a video.
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I think you should tell her in person. If I were her, I would rather that be the way. It's more mature. If not, try by phone. Barring that, I guess go with the sexy dance?
Now my turn:
I was out with a friend on Saturday night, and met a lot of people that he knows. The next day he called me to tell me he'd given my number to one of the dudes we were sitting with. Now that guy is texting me quite a bit, asking me what my schedule is like and if I would like to go out. I am not interested in this at all but I am bad at saying no and I'm worried I will end up going out with him.
Should I turn him down cold or give him the pity date?
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Tell him that you are sorry, but you only date men of colour.
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Say no to anything romantic but see if he's interested in friendship related stuff?
I mean I have been a bit too keen to make friends in the before now and done stuff like this.
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Meet the guy, have a friendly friend-date, let him know that love and sex are not happening. More fair, more friendly, more fun :)
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actually, this leads me to actually ask for some advice (!)
what is the best way to let a guy know that you are not interested in a real date and want to just hang out casually? i have had guys ask me out by asking me if i'd like to 'go grab something to eat', and known that they actually meant 'hey let's go have dinner together just the two of us because i am into you'. and even though i was interested in hanging out with them as friends i was afraid that they might take it the wrong way and see it as a date so i would just panic and be like 'oh no sorry i already ate and i'm busy tonight and uh maybe some other time okay?'
how does one go about saying 'sure let's hang out and grab something to eat but this isn't a date and i only want to be friends so please don't expect anything more' without actually saying it?
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Everyone's different, but I think it's better to either just say it outright, or say it through allegory or say it offhandedly with your mouth full of food as if the thought that this was one of THOSE dates didn't really cross your mind.
As long as you say it with in a good way... like, you let him know that you take him seriously, you know? But with a smile. I think that, for most guys, that might be best. Because then you get a fun outing, you don't get shot down in a mean/hurtful way, and you don't have to go for weeks being all torn and confused, asking every single one of your forums what the best way would be to win over this new girl of your dreams :o
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uhhhg I do not want to do that because if it works and she decides she does not want to chuck off then I will always think 'well fuck she didn't want me until I told her to chuck off' because I think I would like to think that relationships can be more mature than that.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHHAHAHAA
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Ok I'm sorry, that was wrong.
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What I really think you should do is; just talk to her and get closer to her, until some feelings come out. Then approach her with your argument.
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And then if she's all wishy washy and completely annoying and decides it's a good idea to keep you tethered by the hope of a relationship, even though she knows you like her, THEN tell her to chuck off.
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Yeah no I've been trying that and not much is going on.
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How long have you been waiting? How long are you prepared to wait? Have you kissed her? :o
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So I have recently moved to a new city and I am suddenly confronted with woah lots of cute boys and boys I can seduce and generally be a run-a-about. However, I have a neighbor that has been really wonderful in helping me adjust to moving, and he is pretty lovely, the problem is that I am starting to get that butterflies in stomach crush on a guy, and I do not want this. Is there any way to have my cake and eat it too?
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So, relationship thread. I have noticed a problem I have when it comes to the dating type of relationship. Pretty much, the problem is that I don't really understand the concept. I don't understand what it is supposed to mean, or what you are supposed to feel for the person you are going out with, or any of that. Can someone explain this to me? I'm pretty well lost.
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When you find someone you really like, and you're in a relationship with them, you'll know.
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That really isn't helpful. I don't understand the way it works, why someone would date, the entire thing. I wasn't asking about how I can tell if someone is "the one".
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That's not the question I answered. And people date because that weird girl with the glasses who collects yarn and reads Neil Gaiman books might be the one.
(oh, I'm talking about myself again)
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People date because they find someone that they kinda like in certain ways (maybe they also like Neil Gaiman books) and want to get to know them better. They go on dates to see if they have more in common and can possibly make it a proper relationship, or if the only thing they have in common is what initially attracted them in the first place. The girl may like Neil Gaiman, but through dates you might find out that she's a conspiracy theorist, which could be a deal breaker.
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I think I'm just not asking the right questions, because I understand what you guys are saying, but it isn't quite what I wanted to know. I have a hard time putting my thoughts into words, maybe what I'm having more of a problem understanding is the need for a significant other, the purpose of having one?
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I don't really understand the concept. I don't understand what it is supposed to mean, or what you are supposed to feel for the person you are going out with, or any of that.
You're right on track
I'm pretty well lost.
That's what you're supposed to feel.
Dating is a horror. I don't understand why anybody does it either.
maybe what I'm having more of a problem understanding is the need for a significant other, the purpose of having one?
Companionship. Love. Sex. Etc. :roll: That's an entirely different question though.
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I'm having more of a problem understanding is the need for a significant other, the purpose of having one?
You enter a relationship to prevent the person you've come to like from having a relationship with other people. Getting married is just a way of making it morally illegal for the person you're dating to sleep with people who are not you.
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So I'm single and junk now. was one of them long distance ones so when we decided to break up i was relatively cool with it. but now I long for a local girl but I'm not good at that thing where you meet new people.
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I think I'm just not asking the right questions, because I understand what you guys are saying, but it isn't quite what I wanted to know. I have a hard time putting my thoughts into words, maybe what I'm having more of a problem understanding is the need for a significant other, the purpose of having one?
So you're calling the whole relationship process in its entirety dating? Like, meeting someone, actual dating, the eventual relationship (boyfriend/girlfriend) deal is being summarised as 'dating'?
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I'm having more of a problem understanding is the need for a significant other, the purpose of having one?
You could be like me and subscribe to the silly notions of true love and all of that kind of stuff.
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I think I'm just not asking the right questions, because I understand what you guys are saying, but it isn't quite what I wanted to know. I have a hard time putting my thoughts into words, maybe what I'm having more of a problem understanding is the need for a significant other, the purpose of having one?
Okay, wait, are you asking why people and society at large feels the overwhelming need to have to be in a relationship and never be single because that is bad?
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So you're calling the whole relationship process in its entirety dating? Like, meeting someone, actual dating, the eventual relationship (boyfriend/girlfriend) deal is being summarised as 'dating'?
Sorry, I'm socially illiterate. And when you are a teenager, most relationships you know of cram all of the steps into a short time frame, which makes it harder to observe from the outside.
Unosuke, I love my friends, doesn't mean I want to date them. I don't understand in particular what makes someone want to have a relationship with someone rather than be friends.
Not so much that, Zingo, just that I don't understand why or how everything you could feel that would make someone "special" gets put under the same heading.
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Guys, say you have been hanging around a lady and you have been having fun, what would you do if she one day told you, "Hey, you should ask me out," what would you do? (Or girls, should I go up to this guy and say, "Hey, you should ask me out.")
I am getting all sorts of mixed signals and I do like this guy, but I get the feeling he's a bit shy about these things.
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Well, if I liked the girl in the same way, then I'd totally ask her out. My problem is I'm scared being told "no" or "eww go away" or "I only like you as a friend"
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I think I'm just not asking the right questions, because I understand what you guys are saying, but it isn't quite what I wanted to know. I have a hard time putting my thoughts into words, maybe what I'm having more of a problem understanding is the need for a significant other, the purpose of having one?
I'm guessing that sex, companionship etc has already occurred to you and what you want to know is why these things need to be fulfilled by a specific kind of relationship: the romantic. Basically, I'd say it makes life easier. In the early stages establishing that the two of you are going on dates sets up some parameters for the relationship, distinguishing it from the kind of relationship had with a friend and defining some expectations. We use established social norms to help us construct appropriate behaviour all the time, it's a handy shortcut and since it is the norm acting differently and just making everything explicit would seem weird. When I make friends with someone I don't give them a list of ground rules but several are established by the nature of the relationship, same goes for family members or work colleagues etc. For example, though we've never had a conversation to make this explicit I would expect my girlfriend not to be perturbed if I kissed her whereas I wouldn't be surprised if most of my friends were.
There are a lot of reasons for separating a romantic relationship off from other kinds of relationships and these tend to vary a lot from person to person, but mostly come down to setting up what's appropriate behaviour with the addition of making a statement about the significance of that particular relationship. In addition to the legal aspects a wedding is a means of declaring to the community the importance of a relationship between two people and then having the community celebrate that relationship by doing some really bad dancing. When it comes to the appropriate behaviour an awful lot of it comes down to who you're fucking. Even most open relationships have very clearly defined parameters about what is and isn't acceptable when it comes to sex.
In short: shit's complicated and just saying "we're a couple" makes it a hell of a lot easier.
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Why not just ask him, rather than asking him to ask you?
edit: that was to Linds.
APoW, that makes sense, I guess. I still don't see the point, but I guess that is just me.
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I just want to cook her some delicious fuckin' steak with peppercorn sauce though! Come on!
steak,
kinda makes me wish things worked out between us.
Hey relationship thread. There's a friend of mine back in Albania who apparently decided that now would be a perfect opportunity to inform me that she likes me.
Do I:
A) stab her in the face for not telling me when I could've done something about it?
B) stab her in the face for telling me at all?
C) sit around and get more depressed?
D) other?
d) forget about all that and meet hotter ladies in canada!
okay now seriously thread, i have more questions/rambling about open relationships.
sooooo i met another boy at a future of the left show and had makeouts with him. he was all sweet and didn't try to grope me or get me drunk or invite me back to his place to bang cause he is classy. (or maybe cause it wouldn't have been possible anyway? dunno.) he is like my indie dream boy (mostly looks-wise but his personality/taste in music is decent as far as i know) and if i were 15 or 16 i would be madly in love with him BUT I AM NOT. it would be kinda cool to bump into him again (and have more makeouts) but that is probably not gonna happen anytime soon cause we don't live in the same city and didn't exchange contact info. that's not really the issue at hand here though. the point is, i am still capable of flirting/hooking up with someone even though i don't do it often/haven't done it much in the past either. now, my boyfriend is ...not as suave, shall we say. he is kinda shy and hasn't met any sexy new ladies since we've agreed to the open relationship. he has jokingly asked to help him meet women. but i have never played matchmaker for anyone before and have no idea how to. what do i do? and should i even be helping him with that in the first place? part of me feels like it's not MY fault that he can't get anyone else at the moment (i'm sure that could change. he's not a horrible person, he just has extremely low self-esteem. and that doesn't even become apparent until you've gotten to know him better, so it's not like he's instantly turning off the womens by being a whiny mopey fuck) and that maybe he should try harder to make the first move instead of relying on my help? at the same time i can see why he'd struggle with it. it can be intimidating. even for confident people (ie, myself.) and i kinda feel like it's not fair to him that i am having a relatively easy time finding new guys to get involved with and he's not really getting to experience everything an open relationship has to offer. it's not supposed to be one-sided.
help me internet.
xoxo,
anna
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Why not just ask him, rather than asking him to ask you?
edit: that was to Linds.
No idea. I may end up doing that, honestly.
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I know some girls that are reluctant to ask guys out, seems like there is still a bit of subconscious stigma about that, think that could be it? Just seems kind of odd to ask someone to ask you out.
edit: Oh, and if he is interested in you, if he is the shy type, he will be overjoyed that you asked him. Trust me, I should know.
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how does one go about saying 'sure let's hang out and grab something to eat but this isn't a date and i only want to be friends so please don't expect anything more' without actually saying it?
You should just actually say it, but in a nice way?
I would say most of the time if a dude asks a lady out somewhere and the lady says yes he will assume that there is a romantic possibility unless it is explicitly stated otherwise.
Also ladies asking dudes out is a good thing and the world would be a better place if it happened more often. Many guys can be all kinds of oblivious, and also cannot read minds, and therefore will probably not pick up on any kinds of "signals" that they should ask you out short of a sexy dance or delicious steak.
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words.
It kind of sounds like your boyfriend is probably not an ideal candidate for an open relationship. I mean I don't think he has any problem with the concept but it tends to work better for people who have a higher level of confidence and it is possible that if he doesn't receive much attention from other ladies that he might resent you for being better at it. On the other hand I'm not sure that it would be appropriate for you to take him out and act as wingman/woman/person, simply because it might get weird. From what I understand (and no I've never been in an open relationship) you really don't want to know too much about what your partner is doing other than if they're safe etc... because that could cause problems unless you are totally fine with your partner playing away (which, admittedly, is a mindset I have trouble identifying with). Basically all I can safely suggest would be talking to him and trying to help him build up his self-esteem and confidence but I would advise against going out and helping him pick up ladies. You might need to discuss with him whether he is going to be ok with you engaging in sexual activities with other people if he isn't because that just sounds like a recipe for huge amounts of resentment to me.
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how does one go about saying 'sure let's hang out and grab something to eat but this isn't a date and i only want to be friends so please don't expect anything more' without actually saying it?
You should just actually say it, but in a nice way?
I would say most of the time if a dude asks a lady out somewhere and the lady says yes he will assume that there is a romantic possibility unless it is explicitly stated otherwise.
yeah but like... the problem is if the guy does not explicitly state that it's a date, then i feel really weird and awkward saying something like 'sure, but just as friends' or 'yeah, but just so you know i'm not dating right now.' it just feels so presumptuous even though i secretly know what he actually means. and i'm afraid that he'll answer 'yeah well i just wanted to hang out as friends what are you talking about?' and i'll feel like an asshole even though i'll know it's a lie.
even though i am normally a #1 proponent of candidness and bluntly telling the truth to people, i am sort of hoping there might be an easy way out on this that i am missing :c
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I'm single and junk
So I was reading through phonetic symbol transcripts of various accents earlier today. I had to read this three times to grasp that you weren't trying to say "single and drunk".
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Guys, say you have been hanging around a lady and you have been having fun, what would you do if she one day told you, "Hey, you should ask me out," what would you do? (Or girls, should I go up to this guy and say, "Hey, you should ask me out.")
I would totally love if that happened to me. Especially considering I'm talking to this one girl who I almost refuse to (afraid to) approach her with anything, since at one point, she and my best friend were talking/flirting/kissing/blahblah and she gave him crap because she didn't know what she wanted. Oh look, my sentences are running into each other again. I must be tired.
Go for it.
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and i'm afraid that he'll answer 'yeah well i just wanted to hang out as friends what are you talking about?' and i'll feel like an asshole even though i'll know it's a lie.
The funny part of this particular song and dance is sometimes it really isn't a lie. Not often, but it comes up. For example, last year my younger cousin moved to Minneapolis and asked an acquaintance I introduced him to once if she wanted to hang out because he didn't really know anyone else up there. She texted me all panicky about it because she thought they had zero chemistry, which was true since he was so deep in the closet at the time that he was having regular lunch dates with Aslan. It killed me not to respond with anything more than "Nah, he's not interested; I think he's seeing someone." Someone with a penis. He's completely out now though so such things don't really come up anymore, thankfully.
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So I have recently moved to a new city and I am suddenly confronted with woah lots of cute boys and boys I can seduce and generally be a run-a-about. However, I have a neighbor that has been really wonderful in helping me adjust to moving, and he is pretty lovely, the problem is that I am starting to get that butterflies in stomach crush on a guy, and I do not want this. Is there any way to have my cake and eat it too?
As an expert cake eater and butterfly catcher it is my professional opinion that you must suck the next six dicks you see.
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he was so deep in the closet at the time that he was having regular lunch dates with Aslan.
Wanted to point this out specifically. That is an excellent quote.
and i'm afraid that he'll answer 'yeah well i just wanted to hang out as friends what are you talking about?' and i'll feel like an asshole even though i'll know it's a lie.
You can instead of being all presumptuous and whatnot, respond to "hey, wanna go out for lunch/dinner sometime" with "like a date?" and see what his answer is. Then you can lead into the other things like "oh, sorry, I'm not really dating" or "Well, I just want to go out as friends" without assuming anything because you'll already know his intention for this particular outing.
I would ask for advice on my problems but they are so convoluted they gave me a headache. Remember how there were 3 girls I wanted to do things with. I met the one who likes to cheat's boyfriend and dude is seriously super cool, he and I vibe on the same frequency and he is a new friend. The church girl basically wants nothing to do with me for various reasons, one of which being that I told her I only had physical feelings for her even though that was just something I said in the throes of a self-hate rampage I was having. I am still trying to break one girl and her shitty boyfriend up though.
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So I have recently moved to a new city and I am suddenly confronted with woah lots of cute boys and boys I can seduce and generally be a run-a-about. However, I have a neighbor that has been really wonderful in helping me adjust to moving, and he is pretty lovely, the problem is that I am starting to get that butterflies in stomach crush on a guy, and I do not want this. Is there any way to have my cake and eat it too?
As an expert cake eater and butterfly catcher it is my professional opinion that you must suck the next six dicks you see.
Wait, what?
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Yeah, come on now, that was a bit out of line.
She needs to suck at least seven dicks. Geez.
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I mean.
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yeah but like... the problem is if the guy does not explicitly state that it's a date, then i feel really weird and awkward saying something like 'sure, but just as friends' or 'yeah, but just so you know i'm not dating right now.' it just feels so presumptuous even though i secretly know what he actually means. and i'm afraid that he'll answer 'yeah well i just wanted to hang out as friends what are you talking about?'
"*laugh* *rolleyes* You know, you can never be too sure :)"
Or something. It's okay if he lies to cover it up, or if he's honest about it, or whatever. It's not like asking someone out is a crime, and thinking that someone might be asking you out isn't a crime either. It's not unusual or distasteful, and if you can give the impression that the whole situation is okay and cool and nothing weird and awkward at all I think it'll be okay for most guys. It might even make them less scared of asking others out :o who knows.
Nodaisho... I love my friends dearly as well, but I don't think I'd want or be able to start a family with someone I'm just friends with, no matter how dear they are to me. Having a family with a buncha cute kids and pets and stuff, that's something I want pretty strongly, and for that I'd like to have a partner I'm romantically involved with in addition to loving and being friends. I have no intention of starting a family right now, or in the next few years, but it's something that's probably going to be there in my head, which in turn is going to strongly influence the kind of relationship I seek out and commit to.
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Well, thanks for your advice, thread! As I can't do a sexy dance, I guess I'll have to wait. Don't expect to see me on meebo very often!
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and i'm afraid that he'll answer 'yeah well i just wanted to hang out as friends what are you talking about?' and i'll feel like an asshole even though i'll know it's a lie.
The funny part of this particular song and dance is sometimes it really isn't a lie.
i just want to point out that it really actually isn't me being presumptuous. i'm talking about situations in which a guy will tell my friend 'hey that girl with the fauxhawk you hang out with is really cute and i want to ask her out on a date' and then a few days later will text me asking me to dinner. and it'll seem all casual but i know the truth.
anyways i've decided that i'm pretty much overthinking things anyways. next time this happens i will just go and not say anything and the worst that will happen is something 'date-y', like an attempt to pay for dinner. and then i can be like 'oh hey you thought this was a date? i'm sorry i really had no idea, maybe if you had been straight up about your intentions this misunderstanding wouldn't have happened.' but with nicer words, of course.
is that fair enough? i think i am going to follow my own advice because i give the best advice but if someone thinks this is a dumb solution feel free to call me out.
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been in that situation. just clarify when the guy asks ("yeah but no as a date, right?"). who cares if you feel like an asshole, you're saving the guy from hurt feelings later.
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yurrgghhh urrrhhhgg arrrggg it's like I'm intellectually capable and moving on and stuff and I've made sure I'm not that emotionally invested in the outcome of thing with girl I'm thinking of but man damn if it doesn't feel like a good firm kick to the gut to notice a hickey on her kneck when you're in the 'I'm not sure what's happening here' stage of courtin' someone.
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what is the best way to let a guy know that you are not interested in a real date and want to just hang out casually? i have had guys ask me out by asking me if i'd like to 'go grab something to eat', and known that they actually meant 'hey let's go have dinner together just the two of us because i am into you'. and even though i was interested in hanging out with them as friends i was afraid that they might take it the wrong way and see it as a date so i would just panic and be like 'oh no sorry i already ate and i'm busy tonight and uh maybe some other time okay?'
honestly, i kind of see all the latter stuff as the dude's problem, not yours. ladies and dudes hang out together as friends all the time so personally when this happens to me i just explain my feelings and then if the guy isn't a total ass/total wimp he'll sack up and get over it. trying to anticipate whether or not they are into you in advance might come off as kind of rude and presumptuous, but telling them you're not interested once you know it was a date isn't anything but honest, so instead of trying to avoid this i think you should instead try to get used to the fact that it will occasionally happen but maybe without the panicking and feeling bad part since you are not doing anything wrong. asking someone if they want to "hang out" or "grab something to eat" is pretty ambiguous and if a person asks someone out that casually they should be prepared for the possibility that it's might be interpreted differently by the person they are asking out and mature enough to handle it if it is.
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It's not that big a deal on the first time you go out, anyway. I think if he keeps asking you out afterwards that would be a good time (and also make it easier) to say you're not that into him.
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also sometimes dudes who are interested in you but who you only want to be friends with end up still wanting to hang out with you and be your friend after you tell them that, so you might as well just take the chance and hang out with them instead of turning them down just to save them the mild disappointment of finding out it wasn't a date after all.
hey 3000 posts! i am cool.
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Nodaisho... I love my friends dearly as well, but I don't think I'd want or be able to start a family with someone I'm just friends with, no matter how dear they are to me. Having a family with a buncha cute kids and pets and stuff, that's something I want pretty strongly, and for that I'd like to have a partner I'm romantically involved with in addition to loving and being friends. I have no intention of starting a family right now, or in the next few years, but it's something that's probably going to be there in my head, which in turn is going to strongly influence the kind of relationship I seek out and commit to.
Some of them already are pretty much family, and I am not really sure where I stand on the idea of starting a family, anyway. I figure I probably will, eventually, but I don't consider it urgent, and I definitely want to wait until I am financially stable, which means at least a few years into a good job after college, which is a long time from now. So for you, it would be someone that you want to eventually raise a family with? I guess my questions really depend on who you ask.
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It's pretty simple. If you are happy with your current relationships and don't feel the need for anything else, then there is no reason for you to start dating.
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Exactly. You know, it's perfectly alright not to have any interest in a romantic coupling at all. My Mum's cousin has never been at all that way inclined. He's lived a happy and successful life and seems to have no regrets at all, relationships were just not for him. He prefers platonic friendships and being really good at playing the piano. Like Reed said, romantic relationships are for those of us who feel something lacking when we don't have one in our lives, if that isn't you then you probably never will get exactly why people do it but that's perfectly grand too..
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I think that part of my problem is not understanding what constitutes a "romantic relationship", so I don't know if I don't want one, because I don't know what one is.
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Why are you trying so hard to define it? Don't get caught up in labels, have whatever relationship you want with the people in your life. The only thing that should matter is that you and the other person understand what the other wants.
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That's the problem, I don't understand other people. The definition can be important. It is one thing if someone is speaking in a different accent, it is another if someone is speaking almost a complete different language (or a dialect so bizarre that it might as well be another language). When it comes to relationships, I find myself usually speaking the other language.
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i really really don't understand what you are trying to ask here. are you asking us to define what relationships are? are you asking us to explain people and how they work?
it seems like you are asking questions which are absolutely impossible to answer so i feel i must be completely misunderstanding you. could you please try rephrasing your question so it's a bit more concrete and specific?...
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Sorry, I am having a hard time phrasing it well, because I'm having a hard time finding words that mean what I think they mean. Like I have said, I'm pretty much illiterate (or whatever the same thing is, but with speaking as well as reading) when it comes to discussing romantic relationships, one of the less-advertised drawbacks of being asocial through your highschool years. I'll try to figure out how to say it more clearly.
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Nodaisho,
One day you're going to find a girl (or guy) that makes you act in a way you've never acted before. You will go out of your way to spend time with them, and you'll do absolutely anything in the world to make them smile or laugh. you'll go to movies, coffee shops, art shows, minigolf, swinger parties etc and it'll be the time of your life. At this point you'll be saying "wow, what a great friend I have, she (or he) is smart and beautiful and it would be really nice if she liked me liked me." Sooner or later you'll wear down her (or his) defenses with your charm and she'll agree to be your girlfriend (boyfriend). What happens between this and marriage or horrible breakup is the romantic relationship part.
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You find a person that you like. You probably like that person more than other people, maybe more than everyone else you know. Maybe you share some goals or beliefs, some hobbies. whatever, but for some reason you get on together pretty well. You feel inclined to treat that person specially, giving them more of your attention and making them a higher priority than others. They may make you laugh and you may think they are sexy, too. Maybe you really really like sex with that person, or you really like other things you do together, or both. You talk to each other about your hopes and dreams and you work out your problems and quirks together, because it seems like how you should do it. There are often feelings of mushy gushy warm and fuzzy inside, sometimes jealousy, and for the most part all you inexplicably want is to make that person happy. You feel safe with each other, you trust each other, you tell each other about that time you ate a bug but you were 12 man, wtf or that time you let the boy next door pee in your hair and never told anyone. Some people think that the other person is the best possible choice when thinking about starting a family. You hold her hair back when she gets sick and you eat dinner at her mom's every Sunday even though it's not fun because you want to do things for her. You help him save up for that new gadget and you struggle to buy him just the right birthday present every year, because this is more or less what love is.
There are lots of motivations for being a relationship. This is basically what it is.
Also what nobo said.
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I guess that makes sense. That's the answer to the question I was asking, but I guess it isn't quite as concrete as I was hoping, which is why we have this thread. I suppose if it were all as simple as I was hoping, there wouldn't be a need for a relationship thread.
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Cathy you forgot the part where you can't eat or sleep. And the part where you get drunk every day to make the pain go away.
Other than that, yeah, that is pretty much it.
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Nodaisho,
One day you're going to find a girl (or guy) that makes you act in a way you've never acted before. You will go out of your way to spend time with them, and you'll do absolutely anything in the world to make them smile or laugh. you'll go to movies, coffee shops, art shows, minigolf, swinger parties etc and it'll be the time of your life. At this point you'll be saying "wow, what a great friend I have, she (or he) is smart and beautiful and it would be really nice if she liked me liked me." Sooner or later you'll wear down her (or his) defenses with your charm and she'll agree to be your girlfriend (boyfriend). What happens between this and marriage or horrible breakup or marriage and horrible breakup is the romantic relationship part.
FYP!
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So, I've put all the pieces together and figured out that it wasn't anything "spark" related that made her decided to leave me, but rather she was turned off by the prospect of commitment and didn't want a serious relationship. I am not very happy about this (read: really pissed). However, I know she's young and this is typical for her age group. I am on the fence about whether or not I should be friends with her in the future.
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I guess that makes sense. That's the answer to the question I was asking, but I guess it isn't quite as concrete as I was hoping, which is why we have this thread. I suppose if it were all as simple as I was hoping, there wouldn't be a need for a relationship thread.
It's actually not that complicated when you're in it, but there isn't any quick guide to figuring it out. There's no simple scientific test you can apply to know exactly when you're in a romantic relationship. When it happens, it's likely that you'll know it's happening.
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Cathy you forgot the part where you can't eat or sleep. And the part where you get drunk every day to make the pain go away.
Other than that, yeah, that is pretty much it.
If you were talking to me, I am not Cathy! Also I am pretty sure none of that has ever happened during or because of my Relationships.
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Well, I don't even know why I typed Cathy. Sorry!
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what is a good way to tell the awkward cute nerdy boy you like that he should ask you out? keep in mind that you are also awkward and nerdy and lack the confidence to straight up tell him.
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Do I also lack the confidence to straight up ask him out?
If so, well, shit.
(I mean, if necessary, I'd probably end up holding his hand or dropping other not-so-subtle hints and seeing where it goes from there.)
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Depending on how long you've known the dude. Your age and his age. Both of your dating history/experience. No real easy way to tell you exactly what to do without you having to get outside your comfort zone.
Try maybe looking him straight in the eye and smiling next time you see him. Not like giant scary grin or anything. Just a warm polite smile. Now if he's really shy he might just look away or he might smile back. It's really tough when both people are shy. Someone is gonna have to grab their nuts and go for it or it's an opportunity missed.
Also here's a good one that usually got me past that weird awkward feeling when i was in highschool. I'd go out to eat or to a movie with a girl. When the time was appropriate and they were paying enough attention to me, put my hand out between her and I with my palm up. Then I'd look at them till I got eye contact. Then look at my hand. Then look back at their face. I know it sounds wierd or strange. But they either would not grab my hand or they would. Most times they would. Physical contact is the first step of warding off shyness between two people and holding hands is just that.
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what is a good way to tell the awkward cute nerdy boy you like that he should ask you out? keep in mind that you are also awkward and nerdy and lack the confidence to straight up tell him.
walk up to him and put your arm around him and say "hey, we still on for tonight?", then when he looks at you as if you were insane say "Oh damn it I've fallen through a hole in the Space/Time continuum to a time before we were going out - I hate it when that happens! - What date is it now?"
-he answers
"oh, haha, you ask me out tomorrow. Well i must get back to the right time. bye"
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what is a good way to tell the awkward cute nerdy boy you like that he should ask you out? keep in mind that you are also awkward and nerdy and lack the confidence to straight up tell him.
Well if you wanna ask me- er, him out, you go up to him, loudly say "Purple camel". Once the awkward Ice is successfully broken, you ask him out. Chances are, he'll jump at the opportunity.
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Or pull the old polar bear line...
Go up to him and say, "What can a polar bear do that a penquin can not?"
He'll be like, "i dunno" or some other lame answer.
Then you'll say, "Break the ice. When are you gonna ask me out on a date?"
He'll respond, "when you stop asking for advice on how to get someone to ask you out off the internet"
after that you'll both laugh and cheese out at the silliness. You'll reach for his hand thinking the awkwardness is over. He'll pull his hand way from you and look at you directly and say, "I wasn't kidding, get lost"
At that exact moment a he'll leap towards you embracing you in his nerdy but oh so manly hug. The force of his jump towards you takes you both down to the ground. As you hit the ground a tripod from war of the worlds will have just fired a laser beam through the void of where you were just standing.
You both get up and start running from the invaders from space! He looks back at you telling you to keep up... wait, you look back at him telling him to keep up. He can't because his nerdy legs can't move in his super tight but very hip jeans. He is insinerated by the aliens. His ashes fall all over you, as you are downwind of him.
You pick up his shirt and read the tag, which read "Made in Taiwan - Dry on low heat". You cry knowing he probably spent a good 45 mins of the last few hours of his life drying his shirt. In a crazy burst of emotions you transform into a super saiyan and use your eye beams to destroy the evil aliens, who stole your one chance at love.
You wipe them all out, but are still so enraged that you actually transform into an S4 saiyan. You are now really hairy and have a tail. As hot as some will think this is.... the next guy you fall for won't....
So do the right thing and just ask him out.
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uh... waffle, i think what people are trying to get at here is that awkward nerdy boys are terrified of girls and this one is very likely never going to ask you out. however, there is pretty much an 80% chance that he secretly wants you and the only way to find out is to ask him out. sorry, but in these situations us girls really are the stronger sex (i'd apologize boys but you know i'm right).
i don't know how well you know this guy, but my advice is to invite him to do something intimate one on one ('hey let's go grab coffee at that cute little place with the comfy couches that we can sit on together'). if you're already friends you can use the opportunity to send the message that you are interested in something more (although sorry to break it to you but you are going to have to spell this out to him as clearly as possible because chances are that he still won't get it). if you don't know him well it'll create a good atmosphere to flirt and get to know one another.
the worst that will happen is that he will say 'no, i don't want to hang out with you you loser' and then you can feel relieved for having escaped dating an idiot.
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Story time
Shit man, I guess I don't want this.
Also yeah I maaaay lack the confidence to do most of the things suggested, but maybe one day I will man up and stop asking People on the Internet to solve my problems for me. Also I should stop computing while drunk because then I would have remembered that the last entire page of the thread was on the same subject. Cool.
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I was being serious.
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worth a shot.
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Just move to like, Arizona or something, I bet there is probably a nerdy boy there who has just enough confidence to ask you out. But seriously, just like go up to the dude and be all "hey, lets make kisses or some shit"
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walk up to him and put your arm around him and say "hey, we still on for tonight?", then when he looks at you as if you were insane say "Oh damn it I've fallen through a hole in the Space/Time continuum to a time before we were going out - I hate it when that happens! - What date is it now?"
-he answers
"oh, haha, you ask me out tomorrow. Well i must get back to the right time. bye"
do this. seriously, do this.
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Nodaisho,
One day you're going to find a girl (or guy) that makes you act in a way you've never acted before. You will go out of your way to spend time with them, and you'll do absolutely anything in the world to make them smile or laugh. you'll go to movies, coffee shops, art shows, minigolf, swinger parties etc and it'll be the time of your life. At this point you'll be saying "wow, what a great friend I have, she (or he) is smart and beautiful and it would be really nice if she liked me liked me." Sooner or later you'll wear down her (or his) defenses with your charm and she'll agree to be your girlfriend (boyfriend). What happens between this and marriage or horrible breakup is the romantic relationship part.
I don't mean to undermine this statement, but occasionally you could even meet people like this who are just friends-for-life kind of people. This is kind of what happened with my whole deal. I felt this way about that girl, who was dating my best friend (whom I felt similarly about, just without the physical attraction), and I completely underestimated their relationship and went ahead and made up reasons for me to have her instead of him. If you find yourself in this situation, AVOID DOING THAT AT ALL COSTS. I said and did a lot of bad things that I am just now getting over, and I feel so lucky that they still love me as much as they do after I fucked up their shit.
I guess what I'm saying is don't pursue it if it'll cause a conflict of interest that can't ever be justified. It is much better to have two really good friends than to have betrayed one for a closer relationship with the other. Not that you'll ever run into this problem. Everyone else can consider this post the conclusion to my awful saga.
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walk up to him and put your arm around him and say "hey, we still on for tonight?", then when he looks at you as if you were insane say "Oh damn it I've fallen through a hole in the Space/Time continuum to a time before we were going out - I hate it when that happens! - What date is it now?"
-he answers
"oh, haha, you ask me out tomorrow. Well i must get back to the right time. bye"
Good lord, the thread this is from is full of gold. James' posts in particular.
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It's like the distilled wisdom of this entire thread... seriously, girls, guys love that shit
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Yes.
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Seriously, if a girl I was interested in had done that to me when I was single, there is a 0% chance I wouldn't ask them out the next day.
If I wasn't interested in them, I'd probably ask them out the next day anyway just for having the guts and unabashed geekiness to do that.
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Yeah, that is pretty much the best line I have ever read. And I think that some shy people would have an easier time saying that than something less ridiculous, for some reason.
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walk up to him and put your arm around him and say "hey, we still on for tonight?", then when he looks at you as if you were insane say "Oh damn it I've fallen through a hole in the Space/Time continuum to a time before we were going out - I hate it when that happens! - What date is it now?"
-he answers
"oh, haha, you ask me out tomorrow. Well i must get back to the right time. bye"
do this. seriously, do this.
If it were someone else trying to win me over, I would die of delight if the someone also orchestrated a friend or two to appear at exactly the right moment and one of them yell "Doctor!" and then you and the other friend go "oh shit gotta fly" and take off running.
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I wouldn't go out with someone who did that because it's silly.
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Do you live a cold and lonely life?
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I want to do this one day.
In matter of fact i will.
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Do you live a cold and lonely life?
No, actually; today I went to my cousin's wedding reception with my non-silly girlfriend.
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Why so serious? Everyone needs a little bit of silliness in their life.
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Science has shown that silly people have more fun. nuff said
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I get more than enough silly from the internet. I don't need it from my labored pick up lines as well.
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HEY BABY IS THAT A KEG IN YOUR PANTS, BECAUSE I WANT TO TAP THAT ASS!
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hey relationship advice thread, is it normal to be jealous when your really close friend who has been single for a long time and who you almost had a thing with gets a new girlfriend and they are really super in love with each other? i don't want to break them up or anything, i am genuinely happy for him but i also find myself now unconsciously avoiding his facebook page and talking to him less because they are both in that early "oh god we are so smitten with each other" phase of relationships and for reasons not fully known to me, seeing that makes me feel sort of bitter and angry and neglected. i guess what i am really looking for is just some validation (hopefully) that i am not a crazy psycho jealous bitch and these are normal feelings that will pass soon. right now i feel like a pretty mean person.
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That sounds pretty normal to me, tania. Sometimes even if you are only half interested or when you know that a relationship wouldn't work between you and another person there's still a subconscious association with the idea in the back of your head. Seeing that person being happy with someone else might bring up all sorts of things that are normally tucked away back there. If the reactions you're having seem unreasonable to you maybe it's only because you didn't expect to be having them?
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Hey thread, if a girl is in Italy for two weeks, and you miss her a whole bunch, but the parameters of your relationship are really really bizarre and she isn't technically your girlfriend despite the fact that you've basically been a couple for the last two months, and knowing full well that she is probably already knee deep in Italian dong already, how long is it appropriate to wait before sending her an email to see how she's doing so as not to seem needy, since she's probably having a great time and not thinking about you nearly as much as you're thinking about her?
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*shrug* just send it. Write casual :-P If you write it the right way, you won't look needy, just interested in how her holiday is going. Of course, if she replies with "OMG I had an orgy with ten Italians!" you might want to reconsider the relationship.
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I broke up with that one-date-a-month-and-a-half-ago girl with a text message. I hate myself now.
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was it really breaking up?
I have no idea. But I might have hurt her feelings and that's enough to make me feel wretched.
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Tania two of my best friends have been in a relationship for quite a while now and I feel bad because while it's good when they're making each other happy I wish they wouldn't in front of my bitter, twisted, and lonely eyes.
Hey relationship thread I just saw the most awesome person in the world again. I screwed up our thing almost two years ago but I haven't met anyone that I respect and care about anywhere near as much as her. I'd get on well with her new boyfriend, apparently. I really want to forget about her because I don't want to upset or annoy her or anything, but I can't seem to manage it.
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So I met a girl who seemed to be into me, and we were all getting on swell, then my housemate was like "oh, dude do not get involved with her she is a total wackjob."
My housemate knows her and everything, so I took her word for it but now I kinda regret it and feel a bit like I should've maybe found out for myself. Also how do I stop attracting crazy people? Should I change my deodorant?
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Nick, maybe you should stop using this:
(http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a127/r3an1m4t3d/tagcrazy.jpg)
Relationship thread:
Mixed signals suck.
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That'd probably explain it?
Also small update - I asked the girl out today anyway after being all regretful for not doing so on the night. I mean I love my housemate like a sister and appreciate her looking out for me, but I'd still like to make my own terrible decisions.
Also also a cute girl from my class drove me home this evening and then wolf whistled at me while I was crossing the road. I think this might be A Hint.
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Hey thread, if a girl is in Italy for two weeks, and you miss her a whole bunch, but the parameters of your relationship are really really bizarre and she isn't technically your girlfriend despite the fact that you've basically been a couple for the last two months, and knowing full well that she is probably already knee deep in Italian dong already, how long is it appropriate to wait before sending her an email to see how she's doing so as not to seem needy, since she's probably having a great time and not thinking about you nearly as much as you're thinking about her?
Well, they don't have computers in Italy, so...
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This came from that older thread but I think it is relevant to Tania's situation.
carve his name into your arm and stick pictures of it under his door; this will show him just how much he means to you.
leave your used tampons in his bed, he'll get turned on by the pheromones like jeph said.
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see i was thinking about doing the whole, "go stand underneath his window and wake him up by holding a boombox over my head blasting peter gabriel" deal but actually that tampon thing sounds pretty good.
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I have no idea. But I might have hurt her feelings and that's enough to make me feel wretched.
She'll get over it. From the sounds of it, nothing was too serious anyways. Now that your relationship with her is over... your "happiness" shouldn't be reflective of her feelings, at all.
I mean I love my housemate like a sister and appreciate her looking out for me, but I'd still like to make my own terrible decisions.
Make your own terrible decisions. It's hard for me to believe my friends that are girls when they are talking smack about another girl. It seems to be close to all they can do, sometimes. However, sometimes they are very right.
However, alot of things are circumstantial.
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Hey thread, if a girl is in Italy for two weeks, and you miss her a whole bunch, but the parameters of your relationship are really really bizarre and she isn't technically your girlfriend despite the fact that you've basically been a couple for the last two months, and knowing full well that she is probably already knee deep in Italian dong already, how long is it appropriate to wait before sending her an email to see how she's doing so as not to seem needy, since she's probably having a great time and not thinking about you nearly as much as you're thinking about her?
Well, they don't have computers in Italy, so...
(http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y297/Rotaretilbo/VG%20Cats/LOL.png?t=1248763061)
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Also here's a good one that usually got me past that weird awkward feeling when i was in highschool. I'd go out to eat or to a movie with a girl. When the time was appropriate and they were paying enough attention to me, put my hand out between her and I with my palm up. Then I'd look at them till I got eye contact. Then look at my hand. Then look back at their face. I know it sounds wierd or strange. But they either would not grab my hand or they would. Most times they would.
Are you sure it wasn't because they were terrified?
(http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y258/jimmy5times/28072009135.jpg)
(http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y258/jimmy5times/28072009140.jpg)
(http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y258/jimmy5times/28072009137.jpg)
(http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y258/jimmy5times/28072009140.jpg)
(http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y258/jimmy5times/28072009138.jpg)
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(http://img23.imageshack.us/img23/1208/snapshot20090728.jpg)
Okay, Jimmy, okay! I'll hold your fucking hand! Just stop doing that.
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Squidward, you've made your point.
I'm freakin' scared.
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That is fucking awesome!
But that is almost how you should do it. Just a tiny bit less creepy. Most girls find it really cute. :evil:
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A tiny bit less creepy would still be at freakin' Scarecrow levels of bowel loosening terror.
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you know, my post was stupid and all, but i'm ok with it considering it has spawned such comedy gold. you're welcome.
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I'd have to skip the holding hands and just give you a hug if you did that, Jimmy. After I finished laughing, of course.
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Note: Jimmy gives the best hugs ever
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Joel Plaskett knows how I feel, Relationship Thread.
Heartless, heartless, heartless
Where’d you hide your heart?
In the dark, the darkest darkness
I’m coming apart
In the dark
This is how it feels
To be under your thumb
To be under your wheels
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any advice for a blue haired ten year old?
:police: :police:
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Hit puberty first?
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Cyanide pills.
The following error or errors occurred while posting this message:
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Oh, well, I still stand by my original statement.
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This is me
(http://www2.worldvillage.com/wv/school/images/screens/pjsam2.jpg)
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Cyanide pills.
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I tried, but they don't work on my people.
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Obviously you need to get a job and stop leeching off your parents, you lazy bum.
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Also, you're not really being funny with the whole "lol, I am a cartoon character" shtick.
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Advise.. dye yoru hair pink.. the girl ten year olds will love it.
In Seriousness.. I don't really want a romantic relationship with a male, but i would love some more male friends.. how do you befriend males without sending the wrong messages?
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Say, hey lets be friends, but you I am not looking for a relationship right now?
They might still want to fuck you, but at least they'll know the ground rules.
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Thanks,
Im not really worried about guys being interested in me that way.. im the girl with the "good personality and really hot friends." if you know what I mean. I attract girls much more then men, even as friends.
Im more worried about sending off messages of being interested. I don't want to make things uncomfortable, which happens when guys try to explain they aren't into me, even though i don't feel like i ever did anything to suggest i liked them. It puts me in a bad mood, because its like an unasked for insult. most of the time i was just being friendly or polite. or for some reason guys start to avoid me when i try and befriend them, possibly cos they think im into them and they dont want the hassle?
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Say, hey lets be friends, but you I am not looking for a relationship right now?
After reading this sentence again this time I think I may have realized a fundamental flaw. The addition of the 'right now' lets a guy think maybe maybe later. I know I have semi-consciously 'held out for the right time' after hearing that line. So, do not say 'right now'. From personal and anecdotal experience I would conclude that it will only hurt things.
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Thanks,
Im not really worried about guys being interested in me that way.. im the girl with the "good personality and really hot friends." if you know what I mean. I attract girls much more then men, even as friends.
Im more worried about sending off messages of being interested. I don't want to make things uncomfortable, which happens when guys try to explain they aren't into me, even though i don't feel like i ever did anything to suggest i liked them. It puts me in a bad mood, because its like an unasked for insult. most of the time i was just being friendly or polite. or for some reason guys start to avoid me when i try and befriend them, possibly cos they think im into them and they dont want the hassle?
If a guy tells you he isn't looking to get with you, then just respond, "neither was I but I think you're still kewl to hang with."
You may find alot of guys aren't really looking for a just a "close" friendship with a girl that doesn't involve anything more than... "like you know, talking and stuff". There are some guys that may. However, unless you are into the same things as these guys are, then you probably don't appeal to their sense of she could be a friend.
Remember, not all, but very many males are competitive drivin and have... a male brain. Unless you have the mindset of a guy, and share their hobbies and interests, don't expect to be able to make many "just friends" with them.
You will find a friend or two among the masses though, and as with myself most friendships just evolve from being myself and people either like it or don't.
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thanks for that, it was helpful.
i know that guy friends can be awesome, i had a pretty close one a few years back.
tragically he died suddenly and i haven't been able to fill that void since.
I'll try to be a bit more clear about what my expectations are, when trying to make friends.
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Sorry to hear about your friend :|
Hope you come across someone you can be close to in that way again!
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I think it's important to be aware of the fact that it's likely many guy friends you might have would probably want to sleep with you given the chance but aren't romantically interested and are completely cool with just being friends. You can't really avoid or prevent the first thing but it's also not a big deal and in 99.9% of cases not make any difference in the friendship itself.
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The girl I am dating is getting back from Italy today, and is expecting her mom to pick her up from the Denver airport at about 8:00 PM.
I have arranged things with her mother so that I will be there instead, hella surprise steeze.
Is this a good idea, y/n.
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The girl I am dating is getting back from Italy today, and is expecting her mom to pick her up from the Denver airport at about 8:00 PM.
I have arranged things with her mother so that I will be there instead, hella surprise steeze.
Is this a good idea, y/n.
Yes, this is a fantastic idea, and will probably result in slow-motion airport kissing. Aerosmith may appear in the luggage check.
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y.
do you even need to ask?
this is a very sweet thing to do, and she will smile even if she is tired and jet-lagged and you won't necessarily have a super romantic reunion moment.
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The girl I am dating is getting back from Italy today, and is expecting her mom to pick her up from the Denver airport at about 8:00 PM.
I have arranged things with her mother so that I will be there instead, hella surprise steeze.
Is this a good idea, y/n.
I think this is the best idea.
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dear relationship thread,
i just got home from the weirdest non-date ever. so there's this new boy and he is incredibly awesome and super smart but also a huge flirt so i assumed that he could maybe be a better partner for an open relationship cause he is more confident and stuff and would be more comfortable with it overall. except today we started discussing it and he just went on and on about how he just doesn't see the point of it at all and why would you even say you're in a relationship with someone if you aren't monogamous, why not just call it friends with benefits? it felt more like him going off on a philosophical tangent than trying to attack me and my lifestyle choices, but i felt mildly annoyed by this and also surprised cause um this guy does NOT seem commitment minded at ALL and has only been in one serious relationship ever and it only lasted 9 months anyway. well anyway. i think he realized that he was kinda being a dick and apologized to me and then started going on about how difficult work has been for him lately. now, it was kind of hard to take him seriously because his job basically consists of flirting with pretty ladies all day long. but i listened to him anyway and even managed to sound sympathetic. he wasn't as affectionate or talkative as he was last time we hung out but i think he appreciated having me around anyway. i suggested that we go somewhere else after his shift is over but he was like "oh i'm tired, i'd just want to go straight home" and we ended up not making any specific plans to hang out but he gave me this strangely intimate hug and kissed my neck (!!) and then he was all like "i'll see you later". aslksfksdgjksf. now, normally i would just take the "see you later" as a sign that he is not interested. but he seemed interested, just conflicted about the fact that i have a boyfriend and not wanting to get into anything with someone he barely knows.
what do i do now?
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The girl I am dating is getting back from Italy today, and is expecting her mom to pick her up from the Denver airport at about 8:00 PM.
I have arranged things with her mother so that I will be there instead, hella surprise steeze.
Is this a good idea, y/n.
Depends how long you've been dating, really.
But could be awesome. Probably will be awesome.
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In Seriousness.. I don't really want a romantic relationship with a male, but i would love some more male friends.. how do you befriend males without sending the wrong messages?
Befriend established couples. Its pretty much the only way. :|
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(snip)
what do i do now?
As somebody who apparently comes across as incredibly flirty with a huge potential for promiscuity - if I had the self-confidence to actually approach people - I can certainly see where he is coming from. I agree with the whole 'if you aren't monogamous, why call it a relationship' thing one hundred percent. I've had periods of my life where I've been having pretty intimate stuff - physically, at least - going on with a number of people, very publically, and everybody involved is cool with it, but when somebody actually approached the subject of making it a serious thing I cut back the style of relationship I was having with the other parties involved.
Doesn't mean it wasn't awkward and took some adjusting, but I place a very high value on monogamy in a relationship even if I do have pretty liberal views on sex and physical intimacy.
As for him not being as affectionate or talkative... if you had an in-depth discussion about relationships which he later felt like perhaps he was being a dick then I know that would make me feel pretty withdrawn pretty quick.
From the situation you described, I would put it that he is interested in you, but both of the things you said at the end could well be contributing factors in holding him back. The dude obviously has very strong views on the importance of relationships and if you have a boyfriend already it would be the 'right' thing for him to make sure he doesn't do anything to endanger that. Similarly, if you do not know each other all that well, it is entirely possible he is interested - you're having deep discussions about relationships as a decent example - but does want to get to know you better.
I'd hang in there, don't push but make sure he has plenty of options open to hang out with you if he chooses, and see where it goes, if he is indeed somebody you'd like to become close to.
But I would think he wouldn't be willing to consider anything more than friendship while you are in a relationship of any kind with somebody else.
However, all this is just my own viewpoint on the things you've said and the way they've come across to me. I could be way off base, but I think certainly trying to get to know him a little better would be the best place to start.
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In Seriousness.. I don't really want a romantic relationship with a male, but i would love some more male friends.. how do you befriend males without sending the wrong messages?
Befriend established couples. Its pretty much the only way. :|
No it's not. I have several single guy friends and this hasn't been a problem with any of them. If you want to avoid sending the wrong signals, invite guys to group things so they aren't confused as to whether or not it's a date or find similar interests and do activities that relate to that. Pretty much you make friends with guys the same way as girls. If you are a flirt (you don't sound like you are, but just in case), just tone it down.
And if they still try to "reject" you, tell them to stop being so silly.
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Or you can be flirty if you must, but try and be equally flirty with all of them. This is easier if it is not something you really try to do but just happens. Also you can do what I recently did for one of my guy friends who has been asking me out on dates and out to dinner and stuff for months: after so many rejections, I finally told him, "Dude you know how girls put people on two lists, the fuckable list and the just-friends list? You are on the just-friends list. Sorry. Suck it up."
So far it has gone alright.
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Ok so I have been kinda wanting to post this in here but it's all kinds of complicated, I'm not sure I even understand most of the situation as it applies to me as it is, so forgive me if this goes off, but I could do with some outside perspective. Also I guess this is going to be wicked long.
There's a girl I've known pretty much for about two years now... initially we would just sort of chat every now and then because we go to the same club but now we are really good friends and have been I guess in that sort of place for about a year or so... that is, where we would make opportunities to hang out and see each other on times that weren't Friday or Saturday nights when we were at the club together.
We started talking because I was hitting on her, so it's not like I was masking my intent from the start. I want to make that clear before it looks like I was playing the friend card to try and get close to her or whatever.
And I love her, like... well yeah, that is no exaggeration of the word. I'm also aware of the cliché when I say I think she's the most perfect person I've ever met, and I'm not exaggerating there, either.
But anyway. For most of the time we started getting to know each other and I started really falling for her, she had initially just come out of a relationship with a douche, was all kinds of emotional and screwed up for a while, then got back together with him. I wasn't aware for a while that they were together, because their dynamic was such that he would completely ignore her whenever they were out together and generally hang with his friends who usually talk a lot of crap about her. She'd been back together with him for about a month or so when I finally decided to tell her how I felt about her, which was much stronger then (this was probably about 10 months ago or so) than it is now. When I told her that I loved her, the actual reaction was:
Me: "I love you."
*she looks at the floor, looks at her boyfriend, looks at the floor again*
Her: "I wish you'd told me sooner."
But the cat was out of the bag and I felt better for clearing the air and things moved on. We became really close friends despite the fact I pretty regularly flirt with her or make suggestive remarks and so on.
As time went on I figured it was pretty clear there was nothing other than friendship there, which was definitely fine by me, she's awesome to be around and I'm genuinely thankful for any time I get to spend with her.
Problem was, the way we are when we're together is such that people are constantly assuming we're a couple, even to the extent where people who know us both have occassionally come out with "Oh wow I didn't realise you two got together!" when I've been chatting to somebody and she's hugged me on her way past to go and talk to whoever. Without fail whenever I correct somebody on their assumption they say "Oh I just assumed... I mean you two look so good together." Literally that is what everybody says.
She split up with her douche boyfriend not long after I spent a ridiculous amount of money on a Valentine's gift for her (unrelated incidents) which was essentially my 'all or nothing' pitch. Nothing happened between us, she wears the ring all the time and she adores it and it didn't make the friendship awkward in any way. This was, I think, the better option and it helped me start to move on a bit from her. I stopped seeing her properly for a while because I was using all my money to pay off loans I'd taken out for the Valentine's gift and in the meantime she had a fling with a much, much older married dude and, a month or so ago, got together with another dude, who is really awesome but worryingly similar to me - she is now trying to get him to grow a beard, something I did during the time we were not hanging out that much.
We've started hanging out again properly and things are different. Despite how much she talks about how into her new guy she is, she's become more intimate with me. She regularly and randomly approaches me if we're out to hug me tightly, or hold my hand. Numerous times we've almost kissed because of the way she's draped herself around me. A couple weeks ago I introduced her to my best friend's new girlfriend and the next day she was all about "She is so into you. You should definitely make a move." just from observing our interactions.
I think it's hard to sum it up, really. The best examples of the things that are stressing my head are those I've mentioned above, but there's so many more little intricacies that confuse me to no end. She regularly tells me how much she 'loves' me, but the way she says it only comes across as a friendly thing... though when, the other night, she admitted to watching me dance and saying apparently out loud to herself 'I love that man' - she is the kind of girl who generally voices her thoughts as they occur to her - I found that a little disconcerting.
So that's the situation. The question is... what should I do? I do love her, and I would do near anything to have the chance to explore the depths of that feeling with her, but I value our friendship so much I think it'd ruin me if we got into a relationship and it got all messed up. That is not even looking at the fact that she has a boyfriend and I would never do anything that might cause that relationship to explode. My friends all suggest I act on my feelings because they reckon that's what she's waiting for, that my inactivity after she split from her last boyfriend led her to get into a new relationship with the new guy, but... well, see above.
Or am I just intepreting the signs wrong? Did the fact I approached her with flirtations and the desire to get into something more than friendship lay the groundwork for a friendship laden with mixed signals and possibly inappropriate displays of affection?
For the record, she is not a huge flirt. She's lively and chatty and certainly not shy in any sense of the word, but she's aware how easily things can be misconstrued, and her last boyfriend was excessively jealous to the point where she actively sought to avoid the company of other guys.
Halp pls.
Edit: Crap I wrote way more than I meant to.
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I would most definitely suggest that you pursue this sort of thing. I don't think your friendship could or would be ruined by your pursuing her in a romantic sense since it is fairly obvious how you feel about her. Who knows, perhaps she is waiting for you to take the incentive to go after her instead of coming to you?
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You are letting your friend who you're totally in love with fuck around with a significantly older married man after you put yourself into debt buying her a gift?
She is fucking around with a significantly older married man?
You took out a loan to buy her a present?
She's fucking an older married man?
You took out a loan?
To get her a present?
She fucks a married old guy?
Why didn't you just go for the kiss when she broke up with the last dude? That sounds like a really messed up situation and from what I can gather, you've been treated very unfairly. Nothing you've said makes this girl sound very pleasant. My approach would be to completely remove myself from the equation at this point, but it sounds like your balls are dragging along the ground so heavy that you're going to stick around her for a long while yet.
I sincerely hope this works out well for you, man. Good luck.
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I don't think she's with the older-married-guy anymore. Now she's with disturbingly-like-maxus guy.
Other then that, your analysis of the situation is pretty good. I was going to start my post by asking Maxus if he were in fact real or if he had, by chance, escaped from an F. Scott Fitzgerald novel, or perhaps an episode of a teen drama, earlier today. Anyway, I guess I would say you don't have a whole lot left to lose in this potential relationship. Right now, it sounds like you're all-but-dating anyway, so if you feel like this might be something that works, ask her out. At this point, ask her directly, ask her clearly, and if she says no, consider that the end of it and move on with your life. And stop going in to debt to buy people gifts.
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As somebody who apparently comes across as incredibly flirty with a huge potential for promiscuity - if I had the self-confidence to actually approach people - I can certainly see where he is coming from. I agree with the whole 'if you aren't monogamous, why call it a relationship' thing one hundred percent. I've had periods of my life where I've been having pretty intimate stuff - physically, at least - going on with a number of people, very publically, and everybody involved is cool with it, but when somebody actually approached the subject of making it a serious thing I cut back the style of relationship I was having with the other parties involved.
Doesn't mean it wasn't awkward and took some adjusting, but I place a very high value on monogamy in a relationship even if I do have pretty liberal views on sex and physical intimacy.
As for him not being as affectionate or talkative... if you had an in-depth discussion about relationships which he later felt like perhaps he was being a dick then I know that would make me feel pretty withdrawn pretty quick.
From the situation you described, I would put it that he is interested in you, but both of the things you said at the end could well be contributing factors in holding him back. The dude obviously has very strong views on the importance of relationships and if you have a boyfriend already it would be the 'right' thing for him to make sure he doesn't do anything to endanger that. Similarly, if you do not know each other all that well, it is entirely possible he is interested - you're having deep discussions about relationships as a decent example - but does want to get to know you better.
I'd hang in there, don't push but make sure he has plenty of options open to hang out with you if he chooses, and see where it goes, if he is indeed somebody you'd like to become close to.
But I would think he wouldn't be willing to consider anything more than friendship while you are in a relationship of any kind with somebody else.
However, all this is just my own viewpoint on the things you've said and the way they've come across to me. I could be way off base, but I think certainly trying to get to know him a little better would be the best place to start.
okay, but see, i don't have intimate stuff going on with many people at once. there's this new boy, and the boyfriend of three and a half years. that's...it. i don't want anyone else, not for dating and not for sexy times. i'm not promiscuous at all, oddly enough. i find it annoying when people i barely know (like new boy) tell me that my relationship with my boyfriend is not serious because we have recently made the decision to try seeing other people. (key word there being "try". it's entirely possible that it won't go anywhere and then we will go back to a monogamous relationship with each other or start new relationships with more suitable partners) if it wasn't serious, it probably wouldn't have lasted three and a half years in the first place. i do love him and care about him, and the fact that people who are strangers seem to imply that i don't bothers me. ugh shut up you don't know me, stop judging. and also i really don't see anything wrong with dating more than person for an extended period of time and loving both of these people in a romantic sense. i am not sure whether i can actually do it though.
lack of affection wasn't a huge deal, since he was stressed out about work and yeah the whole heavy relationship talk probably didn't help any. but he seemed happy to have me around anyway. (d'awww!) and i didn't even mind that he was sulking and bitching about his job. (if it were some other boy, i don't think i would have been willing to put up with it) clearly this is a thing that is not one sided. that's not really what i'm wondering about though. i think what i want to know is would it be too soon to go back to his place of work and see him on tuesday y/n. i mean it is plausible for me to be there for reasons unrelated to him but really i just want to buy the boy a drink cause i think he could use one and i'd like to continue having meaningful conversations with him. i don't wanna be creepy and clingy but i do wanna have more time to talk to him and not distract him too much from his job even though he seems to enjoy that. now, i would just call him but i kind of don't have his number and he said that he doesn't have time on his phone and the fact that his job hasn't been going well for him means that he is not making commission and is barely making ends meet so phone time isn't a priority, which is understandable i guess but also inconvenient for plan-making. he has my number but i am not really a sit-around-and-wait-for-the-phone-to-ring kinda girl so yeah. besides he seems to like the fact that i actually made the effort to come see him despite not having specific plans. so i don't think he'd mind if it happened again? then again, if it keeps happening, he might stop finding it cute and be weirded out.
also not willing to consider anything more than friendship? uh but he kissed me. i don't know about you, but i don't go around kissing people that i would like to pursue normal friendships with.
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I don't think that post had anything to do with you!
Maxis or whatever, just sack the fuck up and stick it in. The " I don't want to ruin the friendship" bullshit is only implying a weakness in the relationship to begin with, and the potential for something better to come out of it is huge
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that quote is actually a slighter older post where he offered some advice about her boy situation. i got confused at first too.
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BOY IS MY FACE RED.
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That post would have worked better with my old avatar.
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Also, I need advice again.
That girl I surprised at the airport(which was awesome by the way,) is really good friends with this guy, Alex*. I used to be really good friends with Alex, but over time I have come to realize that he is incredibly manipulative, selfish, cruel, and quite possibly a sociopath. This culminated when another good friend of mine, Sara**, confessed to me that he forced himself on her towards the end of the last school year. I just had a chat with Mark, ostensibly to patch up our friendship, but really just so that we could be on good enough terms that the girl I'm dating won't have to choose between us if it comes down to that. Her exboyfriend, who is still sort of in the picture, happens to get along really well with Mark, so my inability to even be in the same room as him kind of increases the chances of her getting back with the ex.
So the advice I need here is: am I being a terrible person? I fully intend to confront Mark about this at some point, because Sara is scared to do it herself, but is waiting a heartless thing to do? Things are going really well at this point, and I do not want this relationship to fall apart for such a stupid reason(the friendship, not the rape,) but at the same time I feel like I am in some way alleviating his guilt by not immediately calling him out on this and shunning him. I want to just tell the girl I'm dating what happened, but 1. there's no reason for her to believe me, and 2. realistically she will just tell Mark, and then the drama will commence all over again, but much, much, more seriously.
So, what the fuck do I do?
*obviously this dudes name is not actually Mark.
**and her name isn't Sara.
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really good friends with this guy, Alex*
*obviously this dudes name is not actually Mark.
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So wait, does Alex know that you know about the assault he committed? Even if that's the case, a full disclosure when you confront him should shatter whatever comfort he would take in your prior cozying. From what I'm reading there's nothing that strikes me as heartless in your waiting. You say that Sara has no reason to believe you, but another thing to consider is whether or not you would be perceived as having reason to lie. Anyway, if you can get Sara to a point where she believes you when you reveal Alex as a predator you're actually doing her a favor by effectively removing her from that toxic sphere of influence. If discretion allows you to produce a better outcome from outing this guy in the future, and outing now is obviously risky, why not wait until you're in a better position?
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When I told her that I loved her, the actual reaction was:
Me: "I love you."
*she looks at the floor, looks at her boyfriend, looks at the floor again*
Her: "I wish you'd told me sooner."
She split up with her douche boyfriend not long after I spent a ridiculous amount of money on a Valentine's gift for her (unrelated incidents) which was essentially my 'all or nothing' pitch. Nothing happened between us, she wears the ring all the time and she adores it and it didn't make the friendship awkward in any way. This was, I think, the better option and it helped me start to move on a bit from her. I stopped seeing her properly for a while because I was using all my money to pay off loans I'd taken out for the Valentine's gift and in the meantime she had a fling with a much, much older married dude and, a month or so ago, got together with another dude, who is really awesome but worryingly similar to me - she is now trying to get him to grow a beard, something I did during the time we were not hanging out that much.
(http://www.theburningbiscuit.com/Pictures%20for%20site/Demotivational%20Posters/persistence.jpg)
That girl I surprised at the airport(which was awesome by the way,) is really good friends with this guy, Alex*. I used to be really good friends with Alex, but over time I have come to realize that he is incredibly manipulative, selfish, cruel, and quite possibly a sociopath. This culminated when another good friend of mine, Sara**, confessed to me that he forced himself on her towards the end of the last school year. I just had a chat with Mark, ostensibly to patch up our friendship, but really just so that we could be on good enough terms that the girl I'm dating won't have to choose between us if it comes down to that. Her exboyfriend, who is still sort of in the picture, happens to get along really well with Mark, so my inability to even be in the same room as him kind of increases the chances of her getting back with the ex.
So the advice I need here is: am I being a terrible person? I fully intend to confront Mark about this at some point, because Sara is scared to do it herself, but is waiting a heartless thing to do? Things are going really well at this point, and I do not want this relationship to fall apart for such a stupid reason(the friendship, not the rape,) but at the same time I feel like I am in some way alleviating his guilt by not immediately calling him out on this and shunning him. I want to just tell the girl I'm dating what happened, but 1. there's no reason for her to believe me, and 2. realistically she will just tell Mark, and then the drama will commence all over again, but much, much, more seriously.
So, what the fuck do I do?
*obviously this dudes name is not actually Mark.
**and her name isn't Sara.
There's all sorts of fail hidden in that relationship mingle. Whatever you decide to do, I hope this girl is worth the crazy drama that is to come.
You are shooting youself in the foot by not talking to Alex* or Mark* or whatever the rapers names is.
Why should the rapee be confronting the dude? he raped her, supposedly...
Your girlfriend would seriously hang out exclusively with her ex and this dude? I'm not saying people can't stay friends with their past relationships, but sometimes there has to be a line. But you know what, i'm sure it's okay for a girl i'm dating to be living with her ex boyfriend, because you know their just friends now... :roll:
If you just started seeing this girl it's not like you have to go up and start blurting about this mark/alex dude being a raper. But if for some reason he comes into the picture of your relationship, it wouldn't hurt to mention it. like say, "yeah him and I used to be friends, but he forced himself on one of my other friends." If she doesn't believe you, just tell her to talk to Sara* or whatever about it. I just hope this Sara* is being honest with you, for you know, your sake of being a honest and sincere partner to your girlfriend.
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That's a really bad situation — I hope your friend is doing alright, considering.
All told, I don't think your girlfriend belongs in the equation, though. I'm not saying that a confrontation would be best ASAP, just that whatever you do should be done with consideration for Sara's situation/feelings, not your own. (Like, for instance, the #1 reason you can't "just tell" gf isn't because she might not believe you, but because that's a huge breach of Sara's trust.) I'm not sure if I'm really understanding your situation as you laid it out, but it seems like you are trying to say confronting Mark/Alex would alienate you from a group where your girl and her in-the-picture ex would be spending time together. Actually, I'm also a little confused about your standing with Mark/Alex, so I think I'm gonna hold off on any advice until it's explained in clearer detail.
In other news, I have a huge crush on my gay friend, who is basically my ideal boyfriend in every respect except in regards to being a homo.
He used to have a crush on me (for like two years) back when he was straight (perils of heteronormativity blah blah), and told me today (jokingly) that he feels I'd make such a great boyfriend for him. Because we have such compatible minds.
Why does everything in my life suck? :? :? :?
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Cut your hair like a boy, tape down your chest, and show to him that what's on the outside doesn't matter.
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yeah, he can be "gay but with an exception".
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They are joking but sometimes the gays get psyched! You are probably too womanly to be tricky about it, but every once in a while I've had a gay girl come onto me really hard, so don't give up!
Also, trying again.
5 people in this situation. All names changed except for mine.
1. Alex. A boy who may or may not have raped my female friend, Sara. Used to be one of my best friends, we climbed together, did drugs together, hung out together, until I sobered up and realized the things above weren't just in my head when I was stoned. Is very good friends with;
2. Nicole. Girl I am dating(not girlfriend, important point.) I started seeing her at the beginning of the summer, initially in a "we are both lonely so lets just have some sexy fun," sort of way, but it has grown into more than that. She's totally rad, and I like her a whole bunch. The only problem is that she recently broke up with;
3. Voldemort, her ex boyfriend. I was under the impression they were totally quits at the beginning of the summer(they had broken up for a while, and gotten back together about a month before school let out, according to her just so that they would have the maximum amount of fun at the end of the year,) but as my relationship with Nicole got more serious, I learned that there was still a lot of unresolved emotion between the two of them, and he was probably planning on resuming the relationship when the summer ended. Obviously, this has caused me a great deal of stress, which has nothing to do with;
4. Sara. A good female friend of mine for almost two years. It was revealed to me at the beginning of the summer by a mutual friend that Mark raped her, and she later told me about it herself, in tears. She has been raped twice before, so she is not a girl who would be lying about this. Plus, hearing her tell the story banished all doubt from my mind that it could possibly have not happened.
Two weeks before Nicole went to Italy for a brief vacation, Alex and I had a major falling out, resulting in Nicole having to choose between us for hangouts, since she likes spending time with me, but is still really close with him. Her comment was that she "felt like a child of divorce, having to choose between her two dads. Sara is the one who suggested I tell Nicole about it, because it would make it easier for me to hang out with Nicole, and would make it less likely that Sara would ever have to see Alex, ever. Nicole and Sara are in the process of becoming friends. Voldemort is just an asshole.
Is that more clear? Names and pronouns and all that shit are incredibly obnoxious.
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That's a tough situation. For me, Alex has probably gone farther then I would be able to tolerate. It's not just a simple disagreement about which you can say "well, it's just between him and Sara." I would probably distance myself from him as much as possible and threaten to castrate him if he comes anywhere near Sara again.
Now, how this impacts your relationship with Nicole is a harder situation. No one likes picking between their friends and lovers. It might be a big cards on the table moment for you and her. It might be time to say that you really feel like this has a lot of potential, but you cannot pretend to be on good terms with Alex. If Sara has given you permission to share her story, then you can do so but be prepared that Nicole may well not believe you. It's rather hard to deal with learning that your friend might be a rapist, and who knows how she'll react? She might accuse you of lying. She might accuse Sara of lying to you and you of being gullible. Either way, what I'm afraid looks most likely to me is that the truth of this incident will probably end your relationship unless Nicole sees Alex for who he is. Still, this is probably the best outcome. I really don't see you as having done Nicole any favors by not bringing this up. She has a right to know who her friends are, even if she won't believe you, and even if there is no chance that he would do the same to her.
Voldemort, believe it or not, will probably have zero impact on the outcome of your relationship at this point. If Nicole trusts you enough to believe what you say about Alex, she's probably already prepared to choose you over him. If she believes you to be a jealous liar or a naive pushover because of the things surrounding Alex, she will probably end up breaking up with you because of that opinion whether He Who Must Not Be Named returns or not.
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Thanks, guys, for your input on my hilariously over the top dramas. I think I'll probably make some kind of move, I am just trying to decide whether it be sitting down and telling her how I feel (again) or maybe using one of the countless opportunities she gives me to kiss her. Just concerned about the potential drama it could cause with her new guy who she apparently adores. See how things go I suppose.
okay, but see, i don't have intimate stuff going on with many people at once. there's this new boy, and the boyfriend of three and a half years. that's...it. i don't want anyone else, not for dating and not for sexy times. i'm not promiscuous at all, oddly enough. i find it annoying when people i barely know (like new boy) tell me that my relationship with my boyfriend is not serious because we have recently made the decision to try seeing other people. (key word there being "try". it's entirely possible that it won't go anywhere and then we will go back to a monogamous relationship with each other or start new relationships with more suitable partners) if it wasn't serious, it probably wouldn't have lasted three and a half years in the first place. i do love him and care about him, and the fact that people who are strangers seem to imply that i don't bothers me. ugh shut up you don't know me, stop judging. and also i really don't see anything wrong with dating more than person for an extended period of time and loving both of these people in a romantic sense. i am not sure whether i can actually do it though.
lack of affection wasn't a huge deal, since he was stressed out about work and yeah the whole heavy relationship talk probably didn't help any. but he seemed happy to have me around anyway. (d'awww!) and i didn't even mind that he was sulking and bitching about his job. (if it were some other boy, i don't think i would have been willing to put up with it) clearly this is a thing that is not one sided. that's not really what i'm wondering about though. i think what i want to know is would it be too soon to go back to his place of work and see him on tuesday y/n. i mean it is plausible for me to be there for reasons unrelated to him but really i just want to buy the boy a drink cause i think he could use one and i'd like to continue having meaningful conversations with him. i don't wanna be creepy and clingy but i do wanna have more time to talk to him and not distract him too much from his job even though he seems to enjoy that. now, i would just call him but i kind of don't have his number and he said that he doesn't have time on his phone and the fact that his job hasn't been going well for him means that he is not making commission and is barely making ends meet so phone time isn't a priority, which is understandable i guess but also inconvenient for plan-making. he has my number but i am not really a sit-around-and-wait-for-the-phone-to-ring kinda girl so yeah. besides he seems to like the fact that i actually made the effort to come see him despite not having specific plans. so i don't think he'd mind if it happened again? then again, if it keeps happening, he might stop finding it cute and be weirded out.
also not willing to consider anything more than friendship? uh but he kissed me. i don't know about you, but i don't go around kissing people that i would like to pursue normal friendships with.
Starting from the bottom and working up. How did he kiss you? Admittedly, I don't kiss girls in any shape or form unless I am interested in something more than friendship, but a light peck on say, the forehead, or the neck or whatever is something I class as 'not serious' and barely think twice about it.
I'd go and see him, maybe make some excuse that you were in the area - or not because that is a huge clichéd way of lying about it - and see if he wants to hang out. If not then maybe take it easy, if so then, well, win situation. You obviously know that there is a fine line between showing up occasionally and near-stalking so there's not much else to say there. Personally unless I am really into somebody I don't really try to make time to hang with them, but am more than happy to do so if the opportunity naturally presents itself.
As for what he - and I, I guess - said about polygamous relationships, that is just his opinion. You have a different one and that is cool, there are people on both sides of either fence and presumably many other weirder fences which should maybe be electrified in some cases. His view on relationships may become a factor if you do try to pursue something with him, it may not... he might be happy to enter into whatever kind of relationship you want to have with him, but there is, I think, a very real danger that the lack of monogamy would start to become an issue for him. Otherwise, I think it is more likely he will start to view it as a 'friends with benefits' situation, or you may even alter his view on polygamy.
If he was actually lecturing you and telling you how your relationship is / isn't then that would suggest he would be less likely to enter into something while you were still commited to your boyfriend, even if in an open fashion.
Ultimately my opinion is still as it was in the last post... I think he is interested in you, and hanging out with him more is a good idea, but going further than friendship may be difficult.
They are joking but sometimes the gays get psyched! You are probably too womanly to be tricky about it, but every once in a while I've had a gay girl come onto me really hard, so don't give up!
Also, trying again.
5 people in this situation. All names changed except for mine.
1. Alex. A boy who may or may not have raped my female friend, Sara. Used to be one of my best friends, we climbed together, did drugs together, hung out together, until I sobered up and realized the things above weren't just in my head when I was stoned. Is very good friends with;
2. Nicole. Girl I am dating(not girlfriend, important point.) I started seeing her at the beginning of the summer, initially in a "we are both lonely so lets just have some sexy fun," sort of way, but it has grown into more than that. She's totally rad, and I like her a whole bunch. The only problem is that she recently broke up with;
3. Voldemort, her ex boyfriend. I was under the impression they were totally quits at the beginning of the summer(they had broken up for a while, and gotten back together about a month before school let out, according to her just so that they would have the maximum amount of fun at the end of the year,) but as my relationship with Nicole got more serious, I learned that there was still a lot of unresolved emotion between the two of them, and he was probably planning on resuming the relationship when the summer ended. Obviously, this has caused me a great deal of stress, which has nothing to do with;
4. Sara. A good female friend of mine for almost two years. It was revealed to me at the beginning of the summer by a mutual friend that Mark raped her, and she later told me about it herself, in tears. She has been raped twice before, so she is not a girl who would be lying about this. Plus, hearing her tell the story banished all doubt from my mind that it could possibly have not happened.
Two weeks before Nicole went to Italy for a brief vacation, Alex and I had a major falling out, resulting in Nicole having to choose between us for hangouts, since she likes spending time with me, but is still really close with him. Her comment was that she "felt like a child of divorce, having to choose between her two dads. Sara is the one who suggested I tell Nicole about it, because it would make it easier for me to hang out with Nicole, and would make it less likely that Sara would ever have to see Alex, ever. Nicole and Sara are in the process of becoming friends. Voldemort is just an asshole.
Is that more clear? Names and pronouns and all that shit are incredibly obnoxious.
Having been in a similar situation, I would:
1) Just leave Alex alone, if possible. I don't see much reason to make a big deal out of it - by which I mean have some potentially violent confrontation - just don't hang out with him.
2) Tell Nicole about Alex. Just lay it down. I'd explain you're not trying to persuade her into not hanging out with somebody or whatever, but that you can't hang out with Alex and this is why, if she doesn't believe you, or doesn't care, then you can deal with that how you wish, but you have laid out your reasons that you won't hang out with Alex and it is not a matter of choice or whatever for you. You don't have to go into specifics, because naturally that would be breaching Sara's trust, but explain you believe he has done something horrible and you just don't want to be around him.
3) I don't think there is anything you can do about Voldemort, to be honest. As horrible as it is to say, if something is going to happen between him and Nicole, something is going to happen. I don't think trying to stop or dissuade it will be beneficial to anybody in the long run. Just focus on you and Nicole as much you can because, in the end, she's already chosen you over him.
4) Well I don't think any action needs to be taken here? She is your friend and if you've been following this thing then you have already taken steps to distance yourself from Alex so that is ok?
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Thanks, guys, for your input on my hilariously over the top dramas. I think I'll probably make some kind of move, I am just trying to decide whether it be sitting down and telling her how I feel (again) or maybe using one of the countless opportunities she gives me to kiss her. Just concerned about the potential drama it could cause with her new guy who she apparently adores. See how things go I suppose.
was there not time when she was single for your to make a move? I think your trying for something that isn't there man.
You're in what's called the friend zone. If you make a move, by kissing or professing your love to her while she's in a relationship you run the risk of really ticking her off. Mostly due to the fact it's pretty disrespectful to her that you would put her in that situation while she's with someone (especially someone she evidently really likes). If you can't get it done while she's single why do you think her dating someone is gonna make a difference for your chances. Just eat the heartache and move on.
This girl wants you as a friend not as anything more or you would be the guy she's with. It's that simple.
But if making a move and getting turned down again and possibly annoying her will help you get over it then GO FOR IT! Man up do what you need to do, just remember the pain will probably feel the same either way.
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I have the overwhelming urge to call you an idiot for that post but do not know if I have the courage to actually do so.
Oh, wait.
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I have the courage. You're an idiot.
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sorry, if I feel it's down right douchebaggery for a guy to sit there and blatenly try to fuck with a girls head while she's in what seems like a good relationship, hell even if it's a bad one. Don't fuck with peoples relationships like that. It's easy concept that so many people do not follow.
It's almost ike he knows what's going to happen, so he waits till she's really developed feelings for another guy and then tries to ask her to be his. Is that it? So then the excuse you can tell yourself is because she had a boyfriend already?
All I'm saying is, it says alot about someone who guns for people in relationships.
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All of which would be very sound if this was a PG Wodehouse novel and she was a silver cow creamer he was trying to nab by nefarious means. Instead she's an independent human being capable of making her own decisions about what relationship she'd like to be in, and who with. People can make up their own minds and if she wants to leave her boyfriend (or doesn't) that's her call. This is just as daft as when people go mental about their partners hanging around with an ex, or say things like "I trust my partner, it's that girl/guy I don't trust".
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Don't fuck with peoples relationships like that.
Stop QQ.
For one, as "a pack of wolves" said, she has a brain. Let her use it. If she can't be bothered to stay with one guy in favor of an other, it just says that much about the relationship she was in.
Seconds, love is war. There are some rules but basically you've gotta risk it to get the biscuit. Gunning down a couple is part of the game, and anyway if the couple can be gunnde down it was meant to be gunned down.
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She already has made it pretty clear, from what I read.
I'm guessing alot of you guys like to sit there in the friend zone. He told her how he felt and went extreme as to getting her and "debt incurring ring". If he doesn't get the hint by now... then he's gonna sit there constantly trying to(although he isn't aware is even trying to) cause problems for her and future relationships.
I truly feel sorry for anyone who feels that they need a friend who'd be willing to bust up a relationship, because they were too pussy to pursue one when that person was available.
Girls do this shit to me all the time. They never say anything about how they like me or want to be with me when I'm single, then I start dating someone seriously and they come up to me, text me, call me professing how they feel for me. It's a bunch of bullshit. Guys do the same thing(the case at hand). Grow up. Go after people that don't have something going for them.
But w/e believe that it's okay to sit there and try to mingle where you shouldn't. Don't have respect for your "friend". Don't show others respect. It's okay, really.
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There IS a difference between taking your chance even if the girl/guy is dating someone, taking your chance AFTER he/she starts dating someone, and continuing to take your chances repeatedly after she/he is dating someone.
What my point is, is that it's perfectly ok to chase someone who's dating someone else. But evidently of you get rejected, you have to just stop trying.
As for the "I'll take my chance now he/she is dating someone", that's just plain retarded. I once asked a girl who did that to me why she would wait all that darn time anyway and tell me AFTER it didn't make a difference; the answer was "if you reject me while in a couple, I can assume it's because of the couple and not becaues of me"... Which is also pretty retarded.
Anyway to get back on subject, in her case it's perfectly clear the guy should just calm down, but that's not extrapolatable to any given situation.
FYI Masterbrainer : Nope I don't stay i nthe friend zone, and have been in a happy couple for two years now, thank you.
EDIT @ Brainmaster : If the guy reacts, there's no problem to be had. Of course it's ennerving, it's just part of life. I for once don't try and score dated chicks, but when it happens, you just deal with it.
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It's just my own personal thing, not to jump in on someone else's shit. I have my own reasons and other reason I think are legitimate to my outlook on it.
How would you feel if you were dating a girl and her guy friend was constantly trying to weasel his way in? You gonna sit back and be like, "Oh that's okay that he's totally wanting you and putting you in a awkward situation, baby!"? Trust me, you do that and your girl is gonna wonder if you even care for her and what you and her may have.
You're putting many parties here at risk of no needed drama. Relationships are already hard enough on people. Why try to be a home wrecker?
If they weren't met to be then, let them run their course, stay the good friend. When she's single, make your move. If she has real true feelings for this guy then you are making things really hard for her. Pretty much causing her to make a choice, which won't be a benefit to you and her in the future.
Sorry, this is the last I'll say about the issue, I think it's pretty clear what my opinion is. :)
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Recently I was absolutely convinced that there was a gril after my boyfriend, they had known each other a little for a while & she'd only started being flirty when I came along. It was made worse by the fact both their bands are going on tour together.
He told me not to be silly and that he was with me, no-one else. (My paranoia stems from the fact I had a crush on him for 7 years and am still slightly in shock he's my boyfriend...)
I decided the best way to deal with it was to be super nice to her so she'd feel to guilty to try it on with him. It worked better than I could of imagined. I discovered she is awesome, I have a great new friend, also that, here's the kicker, she actually has a massive crush on someone else. Not interested in my boy at all...
The reason she was being more friendly to him was because as he had a girlfriend she felt more comfortable around him because he was taken, her friendlyness was less liekly to be misconstrued.
I write this as a counter point to say sometimes the world and the people in it are nicer than you think, peoples actions don't always come from a bad place.
(Sorry for my terrible english in this post, I've just given blood & feel a bit woozy.)
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I think I'll probably make some kind of move, I am just trying to decide whether it be sitting down and telling her how I feel (again) or maybe using one of the countless opportunities she gives me to kiss her.
Sounds like not is not the only one fucking with people's heads. At least from his perspective. From what he has said it almost sounds as if she is trying to have her cake and eat it too, keeping him around but not making a commitment because she doesn't want to ruin blah blah blah.
My advice is to tell her your feelings again, and see what she chooses. If she chooses you then happy days; if she chooses her boyfriend then let it go. If she keeps acting like she is and playing with your head while having a boyfriend, call her out on it and tell her to cut it out.
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I kinda of had a little of that thought too, as I once dated a girl who liked to play. However, I think this girl really likes her friendship with him and doesn't want to lose him as a friend any more than he does her. So it's probably extremely confusing for her.
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How would you feel if you were dating a girl and her guy friend was constantly trying to weasel his way in? You gonna sit back and be like, "Oh that's okay that he's totally wanting you and putting you in a awkward situation, baby!"? Trust me, you do that and your girl is gonna wonder if you even care for her and what you and her may have.
My girlfriend would tell me it was none of my damn business, and if I tried telling her she couldn't hang out with someone because they wanted to sleep with her I'd find myself unceremoniously dumped without much delay. Not everyone likes possessiveness, for a lot of people it's nothing but annoying and insulting.
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I would probably be the same way, although maybe not that extreme. I would also like to add that this guy isn't constantly trying to weasel his way in. As far as we know he has stated his intentions in the past, but just been a friend, especially when she had (has?) a boyfriend.
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Sounds like not is not the only one fucking with people's heads. At least from his perspective. From what he has said it almost sounds as if she is trying to have her cake and eat it too, keeping him around but not making a commitment because she doesn't want to ruin blah blah blah.
This is my read on situation as well. Some people like to have someone in the bullpen. They'll date other people, but always have their "good friend" as a back-up plan. Sure Alan might leave me, but I can always hang out with Bob. In her head, she's probably just hanging out with Bob because she feels like she could use a friend like him, but the constant flirting keeps him in the prime position to be plan B if Plan Alan doesn't work out.
This nebulous position is where our friend Maxus finds himself. He is her plan B. To get out of that awkward position, he really needs to say how he feels. If she doesn't feel the same way, then they can go on being friends, but he should look for other people to buy expensive things for.
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Masterbainter -
The situation as it is now is perfectly fine for me if she would cut out all the stuff which is constantly making other people go on about how much she is obviously into me. I certainly have no desire to screw up her relationships, if I was that kind of dude I would have strolled in guns blazing when we first got to know each other properly and I could at least console myself with the idea that "well the dude she is with now is a dick anyway so it's ok".
I'm certainly not trying to weasel my way in, constantly or otherwise... I've known her for three years and it's been like this the entire time. Was I biding my time? Yeah, I was, I'd thought maybe if - and at the time that was a big if - she finished with her boyfriend then I could make a move or whatever, but her finishing with her boyfriend coincided with me having to work 13 hour days on 6 day weeks to work towards repaying £2,000 of debt to the kinds of loan companies who will give loans to people with terrible credit, with interest rates through the roof. By the time I'd nearly gotten financially stable again, stable enough to have a social life, I lost my job.
Long story short, she finished with her boyfriend and then I physically didn't have the time or capacity to see her until she got with her new guy. Sucks for me, I guess.
I'm well aware of the ramifications if I do try something, especially at the moment, and that is essentially the reason that, in honesty, I will probably come really close to saying / doing something then not doing it because of the potential dramas.
I just feel like... especially after reading people's replies, that I need to do something or this is just going to be a thing hanging over me for however long.
In the course of knowing this girl I've 1) turned down an amazing job and relocation opportunity with Blizzard and 2) repeatedly shot down or brushed off other girls when they've tried to make moves. I'm starting to feel like something has to give eventually, even if it is just having a probably awkward conversation where she firmly tells me we are just friends and I ask her to please chill the fuck out with the flirting and everything else.
Edit: Also I told her once how I felt about her, literally once. I don't think that makes me a dude who is trying to push some other kind of relationship when only friendship is on the cards.
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To add to the debate, I suggest just walking away. She knows where you stand, chose someone else over you, and whilst fully aware of both those things chooses to still linger round you. That's not a happy mix, is it?
Cut your losses mate, walk away, and have done with it. My advice.
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Honestly, don't choose a hypothetical girl over a good-paying job at blizzard... Plus if she already knows where you stand, I don't see the point. Try one more time for your own personal record, get over the answer, and move on.
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I miss my ex, a little.
Sigh.
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<Insert overly-technical joke about aiming better on your next shot.>
<Greet with silence.>
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Maxus, you deffinately seems like a nice guy and an okay dude. I'm not trying to berrate you to make you feel like you'd be an ass for going after her while she's in a relationship. However, I'm just trying to possible show what she might view it as.
Main issue here man. Blowing off other potential relationships and good job opportunity for this girl, when you're not even a "thing" yet. I know what that warm fuzzy all you can do is think about the person crush type feeling feels like. I also know what it feels like to finally get to be with that person and find out, "wow, this is not what I expected." Who knows she may be everything you're expecting and even more. It's just don't let the chemical imbalance in your head throw off your life.
I don't agree with alot of people here, but I do agree you should go all or nothing and move on if what happens is what happened before.
Edit: Or listen to what the poster below has said.
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Dear Max,
I have read about your lady troubles on the internet. I would like to tell you about when ladies are not troubles.
When a lady loves you, she will do many things to show you she does. She may move very far to be with you, she will act on behalf of your best interests and most happiness, if she knows you like her there will be kisses, and she will not be dating gentlemen.
I would like to tell you from my experience, as a lady, that sometimes dating is very scary! Sometimes there are gentlemen who do not treat you well, and you find that they are not gentlemen at all. When this happens, it is sometimes hard to let them go, and harder to keep them away. It is easier when other gentlemen are present, especially if they are nice gentlemen. There is a time, which is a later time, when a lady may require supplementary qualities to niceness from a gentleman. She may want this gentleman to be available for kisses for a long time, even when she is old and wrinkly, and there will be love.
Perhaps at some later time the lady you fancy will find that you have all the necessary attributes to qualify you for the position of long-term kissing partner. It seems to me though, that she has not decided, and that you would like to have kisses now. Perhaps this lady is available for kisses now! (Or perhaps not.)
The point is to please not be sad about your lady friend. Love is not finding a person who is perfect and then kissing them and then being happy forever, the end. Love is not giving up a good job and spending money you don't have. Love is when both people do things to make each other happy, because they are sad when the other is sad. Love is a lot of trouble. Kisses, however, are not. With this lady or others there may be kisses. I recommend these kisses! I do not recommend getting punched in the tummy. It sounds like you might get punched in the tummy. This sometimes may happen when you kiss a lady who has been recently kissing a different gentleman, because of a temporary exclusive kissing contract. I wish you very much luck.
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Dutchess! welcome back! I see your hiatus has not dimmed the strength of your boarding.
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holy shit
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this stupid thread was totally worth it just for this
welcome back leslie!!!!!!!!!!
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I miss my ex, a little.
Sigh.
Hey, me too! She tried to call me a couple nights ago. Not sure why, I ignored the call because I am in the angry stage and do not want to talk to her for a very long time. Especially if she just wants to complain about how shitty she's made her life lately and has no one else to talk to. Hrm.
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Duchess, you post made me phone my boyfriend to tel him he is awesome & I love him.
I also had a little tear.
Both of these are good things, thankyou x
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Dear Relationship advice thread,
I know we've had some beef in the past, but now I need some of your advice. You see, I am currently dating this dude who is pretty good friends with his ex. Ex-fiance that is.And in general, this is all fine and dandy. I've pretty much have had no problems with her in the past. But as our relationship has grown more serious, (which I mean, when I first met her, he are I were already pretty serious. It's just that lately I've been basically living with him, whereas before I was only with him like every third day or so) she has become more needy. Long story short: She left him for another dude, and with a metric shit ton of debt, as in roughly $600 a month in credit card bills. When he and I were just friends I basically encouraged him to completely get rid of her, and shut her out of his life, but now that we are dating I understand their connection a bit more, and if he wants her in his life then that is fine by me. In general, I have no problem with them hanging out. I trust him. I know he won't cheat on me, so that is not even a concern. However, I am concerned with how fucking absolutely needy she is. Basically, she doesn't have a job. And won't get a job. His dad works at a local fast food place and has offered her a job washing dishes, but she refuses it. So instead of working for a living she is constantly asking him for money, and to buy things for her. It's ridiculous. She constantly needs him to do this and that for her, and she can't fucking be fucking independent and her own person and its starting to get really annoying.
Recently, she has started calling and texting him whenever we are hanging out so basically our time spent together is spent with him on the phone with her. And if he tries to get off the phone she gets all offended. She has even started saying that she feels like he is abandoning her, and that he needs to spend time with her, and that she doesn't like being #2 in his life. WTF. I am his girlfriend. Of course I am going to be #1. God fucking damn it. So she is whining that it isn't fair, but god damn it, it fucking is. He is my boyfriend. She fucked up her chance with him. She needs to get over it.
So relationship advice thread, what do I dooooo?
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This girl sounds like a leech. Your bf is already paying her credit card bills, and he shouldn't even be doing that. Ideally he would cut her out of his life completely. I don't know how long you've been together, but you should throw down the "its me or her" card, otherwise this girl will always be around and constantly fucking with your relationship. You'll just end up bitter towards your bf that he allows her to use him as a doormatt if this continues.
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He's not paying her credit card bills. He is paying for his cards that she charged on. Once they got in a huge fight because he gave her like $8 to put in her bank so she wouldn't overdraft, and because she is too lazy she didn't do it, and she overdrew, and this lead to him having a panic attack because she fucked up his credit so bad that he think he'll never be able to get a new car(because his current is beat up. because he got in an accident on the first date with yours truly), and that he'll never be able to buy a house, etc etc.
And I don't want to be all one or the other at him, because I understand their friends and if it wasn't for her being a leech and a failure at being an adult and a functioning member of society, she'd be an alright person. It's like basically, I really want to encourage him to talk to her about how she needs to get her life together, or that to get the fuck out of his, because she isn't doing anyone any favors the way she is now. I've been tempted to tell him not to talk to her until she gets a job.
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if it wasn't for her being a leech and a failure at being an adult and a functioning member of society, she'd be an alright person.
That's a pretty big 'if', and unless you can seriously see her changing, then I'd agree that cutting her out entirely would be ideal. Or at least cutting her off financially — you say that she keeps asking for money, and I'm under the impression (correct me if I'm wrong) that your boyfriend is giving in and buying things for her? How will she ever learn to back off and be independent if he keeps handing her what she wants? She doesn't seem to be the only one at fault here, if you ask me.
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He's not paying her credit card bills. He is paying for his cards that she charged on.
Thats even worse.
It's like basically, I really want to encourage him to talk to her about how she needs to get her life together, or that to get the fuck out of his, because she isn't doing anyone any favors the way she is now. I've been tempted to tell him not to talk to her until she gets a job.
I think thats a good idea. Why is she so important to him anyway? why does he care that she feels lonely or like he's abandoning her? the relationship is over.. why keep her around at all? she doesn't sound like a good friend at all.
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He's given her money in the past. I think after the overdraft drama, I convinced him that he really can't baby her anymore when it comes to money. She isn't going to get a job, unless he cuts her off.
And the credit cards were charged up when they we engaged. So, I mean, it made since that she was using his credit cards, but still doesn't make it ok.
I don't want to be the kind of girlfriend who tells him he can't be friends with people. And out of all of his friends, she was the first one who was welcoming to me. He has another female friend who despised me for quite sometime. It took both he and a male friend sitting her down repeatedly and talking to her about it. And I know he is really good friends with this girl, and I really don't mind her overall. Its just frustrating that she is seemingly getting jealous about us. I feel terrible telling him not to talk to her, but I also feel like she is purposely sabotaging our relationship. We were having a great morning this morning, and she called and they talked, and then we fought for a good hour because of her. ksfajskl;jds; I am fucking going around in circles. Yes I want her gone, no I don't want to tell him who he can be friends with, but I want her gone.
Males of the forum, is it bad for your girlfriends to tell you that you can't be friends with someone?
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Yes. In the end her borrowing money from him and being needy is his business, if he's willing to put up with her being like that then it's his call. You can advise him that this isn't really a healthy friendship but beyond that it's not up to you whether he keeps it up or not. What is your business is how he acts when he's around you, and his spending a lot of time on the phone to someone else when you're trying to spend time together sounds pretty rude really. That's something you can talk to him about and say that you're getting fed up with him taking lengthy phone calls and therefore ignoring you. She might get upset if he breaks off a phone call but he's the one that's placing her overreacting and being needy over spending time with you, and it's his behaviour towards you that ought to concern you.
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Emaline, this sounds like a direct quote from the lives of my friends Jason and Lara. The thing is, Jason and Lara are not so cleanly separated and are sort of dating again (and again and again: they do break up a lot, but this most recent time was a huge deal and was like a Break Up). But Lara is codependent (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency). Basically this means that she desperately needs people to need her, and if she feels that she is becoming less necessary to the people she wants to need her, she will create problems for them so that they will need fixing by her. A lot of this is unconscious. In fact, until he dragged her to a Codependents Anonymous meeting, she didn't even realise it was unnatural, much less a psychological condition.
Lara does not have a job. In all the years that I have known her, she worked at Kroger as a cashier for like 2 months, when suddenly she somehow managed to pinch a nerve or slip a disc in her back and could no longer stand upright for that long anymore. I am not sure how she slipped a disc because she doesn't do anything except fuck boys and cheat on her boyfriends, and I am not sure how she could have known that a pinched nerve is what happened because she makes a huge deal about not being able to afford health insurance, but either way, that is the story. Jason is marginally smarter about the money thing, it sounds like, because while he also went into debt buying her stuff, it was only stuff that they would both benefit from (food, rent when they were living together, sex toys, etc). That he and his credit are now suffering is his own fault, but he is well aware of this and considers it worthwhile.
Anyway, Lara is clingy. Lara is passive-aggressive and jealous and entitled. When Jason was out with other girls while they were more definitely broken up, she was constantly interrupting him with phone calls and texts, the same way your boyfriend's friend is. Jason realised later that he should have told her to fuck off, because ultimately it ended up costing him a potential girlfriend(s) (I will save what a tragedy I think this was for another day) who did not want to deal with that. However, he had to lose the girl he was interested in before he discovered that babying Lara and indulging her bullshit whingy tantrums and letting her pull him aside to Talk whenever they were out in public at the same place were all bad ideas; it took all that for him to learn.
So maybe it is the same with your boyfriend: it may take something a little more serious to knock some sense into his head. I am not saying you should leave him (unless you want to), but every boy I have ever known has some curious and incongruous blind spots regarding particular aspects of girl-relations. And this is not the sort of treating-girls-as-another-species thing, just occasional events where they deal with it funny. This may well be one of those.
Sorry I don't have any advice to offer, and if you weren't looking for perspective or empathy, well, that is all I got.
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It's my opinion that a pack of wolves is right.
You shouldn't make this about your boyfriend's friend. You should make it about your boyfriend. Don't even mention her, if you can avoid it. The fact of the matter is you're unhappy with the way he is behaving. Once you make the cause of his behavior arbitrary, you make her impotent to affect you and your boyfriend's lives together. Don't get mad at him. Be supportive but let him know you're unhappy with the way he's treating you. If he has half a clue, he'll realize he needs to put you first when you're together.
This ex of his sounds exactly like the kind of person my little sister is, and if she is, she is not going to make this easy. She's going to be completely unscroupulous, and she is going to play HEAVILY on your boyfriend's sense of guilt. She's going to twist reality to make her seem like the innocent victim, and worse, she'll believe her own fabrication when she does, giving that much more potency to her power to instill misplaced guilt.
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Dear relationship thread.
There's this lovely girl that works at my favourite café in sthlm. I've seen her there twice now, and both times we've spent a lot of time talking with each other even though I was there with friends and she (technically) was working. She seems to be just the kinda gal I like hanging out with: friendly, cheerful, hella cool. Cute as a button, too, like a slim blonde short-haired button with rosy cheeks and a husky voice and... well, yeah, she's cute.
Anyway, I've been there twice now without asking her if she'd like to go out for coffee or a drink. The first time I was in a rush and blanked, but that's all right. The second time, my friends started commenting and suddenly it wasn't all relaxed and fun anymore, and I started overthinking. Didn't ask her then either, barely said anything when I left 'cause I was feeling kinda rubbish. And now that I've begun to fret I can't make myself stop and am not sure what to do.
So here's the thing. It's her last day at work tomorrow, and she's moving to another town to study. Should I go and just ask her if she'd like to have coffee with me before she goes?
I'm absolutely not looking for anything but good company atm. It's just that I've gone out with a few strangers over these past few weeks in sthlm--just random people I've met--and while they've all been sweet and cute--and really great for my self-confidence :D--this is the first one I've met that I've really enjoyed talking with right from the start. I don't think we have some sorta special connection, we're just two similarly-mannered people who've happened to meet on good days. But I do feel like it'd be nice to hang out for a bit outside of work and without friends around, and that it'd be nice to be able to just relax instead of fretting like this.
So what do I do? Do I go in tomorrow even though I feel all anxious and uncertain and risk losing some of my confidence and ruining whatever good impression I may have made in the hope of getting to know someone new? Is the third time the charm?
Or is the third time best avoided? Do I just let it go, hide at home, and accept that my fabulous summer vacation is over? :(
A lesson that may or may not be generally applicable and useful for others in this thread: if possible, leave friends out of this sorta business. Some are great but some have a way of getting under your skin :x
This is ridiculous. I've gone out with people I've met at street-crossings, at stores, or while using public transportation, just for fun. Why can't this be fun and easy???
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Emaline, it's right of you to expect more from your time with your bf. But it can be hard to break away from someone whom you feel is dependent on you. When forced to choose between one important person and another, you might just end up feeling like a dick no matter what you do, and that can be pretty rough.
Do you have any idea exactly why your bf isn't handling his ex and his new relationship with you they way he should be?
Like, what's his hangup? Not very eloquently put, but yeah. You said you understand his relationship with her better now. What is it that's keeping them from changing this really uncool dynamic?
Is there any way you could have a chat with his ex, maybe ask her what's up? She isn't isn't dependent on you after all, so a chat with you might be more fruitful, to begin with.
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I havnt had a steady girlfriend in 8 years, I think there is something wrong with me. :|
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if you actually want advice we probably need a little more information
how often do you meet new people?
how good are you at talking to women?
what is your 'type' (not everybody has a type but I find the less dating experience a person has, the more likely they are convinced they do)
come on man, work with us a little here
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if you actually want advice we probably need a little more information
...
come on man, work with us a little here
It's a trap!! Run, LeeC, run!
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haha fair enough.
well I have been on some dates since I broke up with my girl 8 years ago. But either we didnt hit it off, I fucked up or they fucked up.
I meet new people everyday but usually in a work setting. in fact I have been told I am the most friendliest person at work. I am pretty good on striking up a conversation but I feel awkward trying to get someone's number at work because I do computer support and I fear that I will make things awkward. Also if it didnt work out that they would feel they couldnt ask me for help. Plus I am not good at detecting signals from women that they find me attractive or are interested in me. honestly I feel like marten http://www.questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=64 (http://www.questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=64)
I also for some reason feel awkward with "hitting on" girls at bars. Feels too cheesey. Oddly enough its hard to find a wingman because all my friends have a GF or BF.
as for type, I really dont have one. I know what I like when I see it as far as physical appearances go. the only rule I have is I dont want a girl that will crush my legs by just sitting in my lap. (No offense to anyone reading this)
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Why'd you break up? If you don't mind my asking.
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she turned out to be a crazy racist. Oddly enough a week after I broke up with her, her uncle died in the pentagon on 9/11. Felt kinda bad for her. :oops:
and the girl I had before her thought her uncle was Lucifer incarnate, and she stopped bathing for some reason. :-P yeah that one didnt last too long.
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So what do I do? Do I go in tomorrow even though I feel all anxious and uncertain and risk losing some of my confidence and ruining whatever good impression I may have made in the hope of getting to know someone new? Is the third time the charm?
You obviously want to, so do it. There is nothing even slightly odd about chatting to someone a couple of times and then asking them to meet up sometime on the third meeting, don't go thinking you've missed your window of opportunity since that kind of thing is nonsense anyway. In fact, there's pretty much no way for this to go badly. If she declines then there are innumerable reasons why she wouldn't feel like meeting up with a new person when she's about to move away that have nothing to do with you and how much she'd like to hang out with you in other circumstances. If she does go for it brilliant, you get to hang out with a nice person. There is basically no downside.
LeeC, work is a very difficult place to meet people romantically because you're quite right, it can get awkward. Unfortunately some people go very odd if they date someone a few times, it doesn't go anywhere and they still have to see the other person. Bars are tricky too, personally I'm always reticent to try and chat someone up there since I know that many women absolutely hate the fact that they can't go out for a drink without being bothered by someone trying it on. Not that trying it on is a bad thing in itself but I do understand how it can get wearing if it's every bloody time you go for a pint. It sounds like you need a social activity outside of work where you can get to know women, and these are actually pretty easy to come by. Think of your interests (or something you feel you might like but have never tried) and then think which of those have social activities attached that involve groups of people (this is basically anything, but it might be best to focus on ones that will have a better ratio of women, so films and rambling over tabletop gaming and motorsport), find a local group and get involved.
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oddly enough pack of wolves, I quit my job this upcoming friday, I'll be going back to college. Oddly enough I come close to "hooking up" at nearly every concert i go to.
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Sounds like you're pretty sorted then, going back to college is probably just what you need. Good luck!
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Sounds like you're pretty sorted then, going back to college is probably just what you need. Good luck!
haha I hope your right.
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dear relationship thread,
oh god things with the boy i had a massive crush on (okay, i still like him even though i shouldn't! rawr. ) completely failed. today he basically told me that he doesn't have time for a girlfriend and then i said well i'm not asking you out or anything, i just want to spend some time with you and get to know you better and see what happens. and he was all like "but see, i work 12 hour shifts now. i don't have a social life. i just talk to my coworkers and my roommates, that's it" awww, poor thing! really that is not much of an excuse. i used to work 14 (yes 14) hour shifts and then go see people afterwards because i actually cared about spending time with them. also my job was technically harder than his job. but i guess his is more stressful for him than mine ever was for me cause he doesn't seem to be good at it. or maybe he used to be good at it until i came along and started distracting him by being all sexy? but i didn't actually go there that often, not being a crazy stalker and all. ehhh. i still want him even though he is being dumb and selfish and frustrating and still giving me MAJORLY MIXED SIGNALS. like even when he was giving me the whole "i don't really have time for you" speech he was still looking at me like he would actually want to date me if he could. what. the. fuck. it was making me uncomfortable so i just left and didn't say see you later or try to hug him or try to convince him that i would be an awesome low-maintenance girlfriend (i am really not clingy at all once i'm actually dating someone!) who would give him him as much space as he needs (and mindblowing sex when we do end up seeing each other) i didn't want to make things more awkward.
i would like to get over him (okay not really. i would like to have him, but it's not gonna happen anytime soon so i feel like i should be trying to move on.) but it's hard considering that's he's one of the few guys i actually find interesting on an intellectual level but not freakishly smart and intimidating. i am trying to be open-minded and give new boys a chance. actually agreed to go on a date with one tomorrow. but i feel so indifferent about him that i wouldn't even care if he never showed up. except THIS one would probably show up like an hour early cause he is soooooo into me and would cook me dinner and watch chick flicks with me and send me cheesy text message poetry. but i really don't want any of those things. at least not from him. fuuuuuuuck. i am kind of tempted to cancel this date. should i? or am i just being unfair to this new guy just cause he's not as deep as the other one and overly eager and uses horrible shorthand in his texts?
confused as hell,
anna
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So what does it mean when a boy kisses you and then doesn't talk to you for a week?
Some more information that may help, but I don't know where/how to put it:
-I only met him about a month ago. I don't know him all that well, and all we really do with each other is play World of Warcraft and watch the occasional anime together, and actually, until that one night, we were never really alone together. We were always with our mutual friends.
-Other than his sudden making out with me, I haven't caught any hints that he likes me, even though I have been dropping hints that I like him.
-He gave me his phone number shortly before kissing me.
-He's the one who initiated the kiss, but I had been resting my head on his shoulder for about two hours before that.
-Not a whole lot happened after the kiss. We had a very short, awkward conversation, and he had to leave because it was 2am.
-Since then, I have made attempts to reach him, but not too many. Just two very short texts and one call. I left about two days in between each, because I didn't want to nag him or anything. I just know he's shy and that he might need a little prompting.
-I figured, since he gave me his number beforehand, that he would expect me to call/text him. However, he hasn't responded to any of my texts, and he didn't answer his phone or respond to the voicemail I left for him. So... maybe he didn't? Why else would he give me his number?
-We do hang out in the same circle of friends, so, even if he is purposefully avoiding me, we're bound to bump into each other again soon.
So... I haven't done this for a while. What am I supposed to do now? Just wait 'til he either calls/texts me back, or shows up at my house, or I happen to bump into him? Should I be nagging him, or am I right in leaving some space in between prods?
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I'm guessing alot of you guys like to sit there in the friend zone.
hiiiighway to the friend zone
gonna take your riiiight into the friend zone
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dear relationship thread,
confused as hell,
anna
That guy you're going on a date with is going to be crushed no matter how easily you let him down; leading him on like that is cruel and there's no other way to spin that. If you don't have intentions with him, letting him believe otherwise is not a nice thing to do.
As for your "too busy" guy, have you thought that maybe he legitimately believes he doesn't have time to date you, and turned you down because he was trying to be considerate? If that's the case, he's probably really bummed that his moral sense forced him to do that even though he wants to date you.
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So what does it mean when a boy kisses you and then doesn't talk to you for a week?
Here are some possibilities:
He's busy, it's only a week, don't freak out.
If he is anything like the common WoW player is probably playing WoW for the entire week, maybe try contacting him through that.
You're shit at kissing.
It could also be something different! Try not to be too obsessive about it, he might just be wicked busy and not able to get back to, he might be having problems with his phone or he might be freaking out about when is too soon to call you back or somesuch nonsense. Maybe speak to some of your mutual friends and see if they've heard from him.
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I'm thinking he's obsessed with WOW like so many are.
I highly doubt he's looking for a relationship. If you've texted him twice and called him once and haven't gotten a response from them I'd just leave it at that for now.
I work with a guy who plays wow and I'll text him, "hi, how's it going?"... two months later I got a reply, "not bad, you?"....
He plays wow.
It's extremely hard for a girl to be a "shit kisser" at least through the amount of girls i've been with I've never experienced one. But then again, maybe i'm easy to please. I highly doubt it's your kissing. Maybe you breath thoug? j/k.
or maybe, you kissed him and he ... Jizzed in his pants. also j/k, but maybe not :laugh:
My last opinion is that you aren't a blood elf and you'll never be one and that's what he's looking for.
Also same to what the poster said above, don't worry about it. Keep your options open. If he comes around great. If he doesn't own him in PVP.
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You obviously want to, so do it. There is nothing even slightly odd about chatting to someone a couple of times and then asking them to meet up sometime on the third meeting, don't go thinking you've missed your window of opportunity since that kind of thing is nonsense anyway.
I don't really believe in those arcane rules, but there is the practical matter of this being her last day of work :)
Anyway, I swung by the café but she wasn't there. On the bright side, they had no wireless either so I got my ass to the library where I'll now get some work done, and then drift around with some friends ('cause it's bloody gorgeous outside and it's actually kinda intolerable in here, bloody hot and humid) and then maybe end the evening at the café. And if nothing then, then well I guess I did miss my chance, meh.
Would be sweet if she were there though, this week there'll be free standup-shows every night and absolutely brilliant weather. Beats the hell outta coffee and shopping!
In other news, I just had coffee with a girl who's sitting at this table. Apart from the massive graphical calculator she's playing with, she's like Sweden personified, in both good ways and bad. Still, I'm feeling less shaky now :) perhaps it's time to get some work done.
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... uses horrible shorthand in his texts ...
I would not date someone who used horrible shorthand in their texts. So far this has worked well for me.
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Just a general helpful video for everyone
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTRvfs3-QZg (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTRvfs3-QZg)
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... uses horrible shorthand in his texts ...
I would not date someone who used horrible shorthand in their texts. So far this has worked well for me.
Nor would I. For instance, texting me to say "where you" as an inquiry as to my whereabouts is entirely unacceptable and will not be tolerated.
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That guy you're going on a date with is going to be crushed no matter how easily you let him down; leading him on like that is cruel and there's no other way to spin that. If you don't have intentions with him, letting him believe otherwise is not a nice thing to do.
oh come on now. we talked for 15 minutes at most before exchanging phone numbers and have only texted briefly since (but haven't had actual phone conversations). i don't think that is enough time to establish a real connection with someone unless you believe in love at first sight. i may have exaggerated how interested he seems in me a tiny bit. maybe it's me, maybe he's just desperate for a gf in general. so i think he'd be disappointed but not entirely crushed if things didn't work out. but i am willing to give him a chance. yes, i'd rather have someone else. no, i won't mention it while out with him. i am going to be pleasant to him and try to get to know him and maybe he is better than my first impression of him and maybe we'll hit it off and i will forget about busy mixed signal boy. but if we don't click, that's not my fault and it doesn't make me a horrible person.
I would not date someone who used horrible shorthand in their texts. So far this has worked well for me.
but i kind of feel like i'm being shallow.
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codependent (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency)
This article or section has multiple issues.
I would not date someone who used horrible shorthand in their texts. So far this has worked well for me.
but i kind of feel like i'm being shallow.
Maybe you are but there isn't anything wrong with that.
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Hahahaha I can't believe I missed that. Thanks, James!
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I know it's just a week, and a week isn't a big deal, and being busy for a whole week isn't all that uncommon. However, I think that if you kiss someone out of nowhere and then just go home and don't respond to anything they send you... I don't know, it kind of comes across as rude and/or avoidant to me, even if it's just a week. I mean, if I had gotten a better chance to ask him about it before he left, I probably wouldn't be concerned. As it stands, though, I don't know whether he really likes me, if he was just feeling especially kissy, whether or not he is looking for a relationship, or anything like that, and I would very much like to know what's going on. I don't think that's obsessive, or that I'm freaking out over it or anything like that. I just don't think it's very nice to be like, "Oh hey, surprise kisses! I'm gonna go now, so it's up to you to figure out whether or not I actually like you. Bye!"
I probably should've added that he can't actually play WoW unless he's at my house. He can't afford to pay for high speed internet, so he doesn't bother paying for his account anymore. Now he just uses my brother's account when he's here. So no, it's not a case of WoW addiction. If it was, that would actually be nice, since I'm addicted to WoW myself, and we play on the same server.
And I know his phone isn't broken or anything, because my brother has successfully contacted him since then. I just haven't had any such luck.
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So I've known this guy for eleven years and I've loved him as long as I can remember. Last summer we had a conversation that basically established our feelings for each other, which are sadly not terribly compatible.
I guess I'm wondering, do you think that in general people's romantic interests in one another can alter over time? Is it possible that in two, three years from now he will realise he does actually love me romantically not just as a very good friend? Or am I being overly optimistic and thereby wasting opportunities to branch out and meet new people?
This isn't so much asking for advice as opinions. I don't really need any advice at this point; he doesn't love me so pestering him would be counter-productive but we are still good friends so avoiding him would be silly. Just wondered what you thought about long term developments of feelings.
For the record, when we met I was seven and he was seventeen. I'm now eighteen (and obviously he's twenty-eight) so it's no longer weird.
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Maybe that's the root of the problem? Even if he doesn't say that himself, or even know it, you being that little littel girl in his memories might disrupt any chances of romance. I'm not sure about this, but I can't really see myself in ten years being romantically interested in anyone that's 7 now, no matter how nice and beautiful they turn out. The point being that you've established roles, and since he has always been zecret crush to you, romantic feelings came easily. But if he's always been thinking of you as little young "sister" or something similar, you'll have a hard time changing that.
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Never say never, but I'm inclined to agree with Snalin. If he sees you as a little sister and/or you see him kinda like a big brother... and you guys have had a heart-to-heart and found that you want different things from each other...
My opinion: you might want to let it go for now and reassess things in a few years' time.
I've occasionally seen a friend get together with eg. another friend's younger sibling, but the age-differences haven't been that great and they haven't really had a close relationship prior to getting together.
Update for me: it was bloody difficult to work up the nerve, but I asked her if she wanted to see me before she leaves town, she seemed to think it was a great idea and immediately gave me her name for facebooking purposes (woulda preferred a number, but hey) and I eventually left the café with my mates, all of us full of good food and quite pleased after a good day. I've been rained on today, and chilled to the bone by strong cold winds, my flipflopped feet turned into insensate lumps of flesh and bone... but I've been rather warm and fuzzy inside even so :) there's a good chance we won't meet up, but now I feel good, so...
... thank you relationship-advice-thread, for your advice and encouragement and overall inspiration :D
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I'm afraid it does change the situation quite a bit when they already know you that well. I consider my sister's best friend to be pretty dateable, but there's only a 4 year age difference there and I never got to know her until fairly recently; in my mind she's just a cute 23 year old college grad who makes my gf really nervous. By contrast, my brother has 18 year old friends and I tend to think of them as kids, even the attractive ones. I can't get around the fact that they were kids as recently as a couple years ago, and frankly, a lot of them still act like it.
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good job aimless!
i am wondering where I am at with this one girl. When I got back from the San Diego trip (FUCKING AWESOME by the way) I had to teach new hire training at work. I had cracked a joke that I was jet lagged after my trip to san diego. This girl stayed after class to talk with me about it. She said she never been to DC before and didnt know what to do. So I gave her my number and told her to call me if she wanted to go out and have fun. She found out I was leaving GAO soon and wanted to have lunch with me. So I took her to a nice place and we had a great time and she said she would really like to do this again with me. We are suppose to go again this thursday. Again I dont know where I am at with her. Just a friend, a potential relationship, or what.
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How about just wait and see where it goes?
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Yeah, seems like the kind of thing that could turn into just about anything but is likely to be fun regardless. Hang out!
Hey shippythread, my life is AWESOME right now, because I have a new girl in my life and she is a real girlfriend and not just someone I sleep with sometimes! Usually I am perfectly OK with having people in my life who are friends I sleep with sometimes. That is something I have tended to enjoy, and I have developed myself into someone who is quite good at maintaining that dynamic successfully. However, it has gotten pretty stale. There's no risk involved anymore, it's not really interesting. Just sleeping with someone every now and then, without committing to a certain degree of mutual emotional support and time devotion, has gotten boring.
Fortunately, about 2 1/2 weeks ago, I walked into the apartment of a friend of a friend, and said second-degree friend's roommate turned out to be an absolutely wonderful girl with whom I shared a great many interests. Mutual interest got to be quite strong quite quick, and we started seeing each other for real for real (read: fucking) a little more than a week ago. Since then we have spent a LOT of time together (including a bar quizzo with her friends, a Burner rave with my friends, and dinner at my parents' house), developed our understanding of each others' lives quite a bit, and become extremely close. We have already traded statements that we are both totally sold on this relationship and really really excited for where it is going and what it's going to do for us. I've been floating around on a cloud for the past week and a half.
Whee!
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oh come on now. we talked for 15 minutes at most before exchanging phone numbers and have only texted briefly since (but haven't had actual phone conversations). i don't think that is enough time to establish a real connection with someone unless you believe in love at first sight. i may have exaggerated how interested he seems in me a tiny bit. maybe it's me, maybe he's just desperate for a gf in general.
He will be crushed. If he is the kind of guy he sounds like, in other words, conforming to the "socially awkward virgin" archetype, then he will be utterly destroyed if you lead him on and then cast him off. He doesn't think he loves you, he thinks that because you're interested in him, he should devote all of his willpower towards making himself love you. It is a very fragile state, but its not you specifically so much as the validation he's finally getting as a sexually viable male. The fact that someone is finally seeing him that way. To a guy like that, its a very, very powerful thing, and by leading him on and then dropping him, you'll shatter that validation, no matter how kindly you explain it. And if you wait until he succeeds in making himself love you, he'll probably suffer permanent mental and emotional damage.
In short, girls who don't understand this(like you, apparently) are the reason so many guys end up becoming heartless bastards. Its the only way they can survive.
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OK dude this is what you have to go on so far:
i am trying to be open-minded and give new boys a chance. actually agreed to go on a date with one tomorrow. but i feel so indifferent about him that i wouldn't even care if he never showed up. except THIS one would probably show up like an hour early cause he is soooooo into me and would cook me dinner and watch chick flicks with me and send me cheesy text message poetry. but i really don't want any of those things. at least not from him. fuuuuuuuck. i am kind of tempted to cancel this date. should i? or am i just being unfair to this new guy just cause he's not as deep as the other one and overly eager and uses horrible shorthand in his texts?
The fact that you are so totally convinced that he is such a fragile person, such a "socially awkward virgin," based on nothing but this, even though you know that even THIS is based on only 15 minutes of conversation and a few text messages, is ... well, it indicates to me that you have no fucking clue what you're talking about. I mean, I don't either. You might be right. He might be really REALLY emotionally unstable and fragile and he might end up being totally crushed by a rejection from someone he barely knows and who barely knows him. But you don't KNOW that, and to assume it is honestly kind of offensive (or at least, if I were this guy, and I read what you've said and it wasn't actually true, I'd be pretty offended at the kind of assumptions you've made).
Bottom line is, there has not been enough communication for anyone to know what you claim to know. Stop guilt-tripping 20JFG, you're totally jumping the gun and you're doing no help for anyone.
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Thanks Joe, I was gonna respond with a "WUT." but yours is better. NQG-not all boys are like you!
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Guys NGQ is the worst, aside from maybe Masterbainter.
Disregard both of them, really.
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This thread is pretty great
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Hey Tyler, I have a girlfriend now. She's really pretty!
What do you think about that
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In short, girls who don't understand this(like you, apparently) are the reason so many guys end up becoming heartless bastards. Its the only way they can survive.
This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. People get shot down. People move on. Sack the fuck up.
I can say this because I am a bitch who eats men's hearts right out of their chests for the sheer fun of it. Who's next?
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Again I dont know where I am at with her. Just a friend, a potential relationship, or what.
I'm in the "wait and see" camp as well :) hope you enjoy yourself!
Wizard: sweet :D no wonder you're floating on air, sounds like the last couple of weeks have been nothing short of brilliant :)
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Oh Linds, have I ever mentioned I like you? Because I do. Stealing that for a sig, YES!
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<3
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<3 you all.
he's not a virgin btw! nor is he incredibly awkward around ladies or people in general. eager to please and slightly old fashioned (he brought me roses! on a first date! i was charmed) maybe. i mean he asked me if i want to "go steady" with him. who says stuff like that, honestly? haha, but other than that he is an alright dude. i may want to spend more time with him.
wow, i'm suuuch a heartbreaker!
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Fuck roses on a first date. That's hollow. Hollow as fuck.
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"Hey I understand how mechanisms are supposed to work and I feel certain things look I've got you roses because I'm a tool"
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oh james, stop being bitter cause i CRUSHED YOUR DREAMS REPEATEDLY.
<3
it's a very cliche romantic gesture but i've never had it happen to me before on a first date so it was a pleasant surprise. there's a possibility that the boy may still end up being a tool (i will explain why later) but honestly there's no need to insult him at this point.
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He may end up being a tool because you CRUSHED his DREAMS.
You dream crusher, you.
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now i have a new sig too.
excellent.
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or maybe that should have been "sexcellent".
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In short, girls who don't understand this(like you, apparently) are the reason so many guys end up becoming heartless bastards. Its the only way they can survive.
This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. People get shot down. People move on. Sack the fuck up.
+1
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I don't think that's obsessive, or that I'm freaking out over it or anything like that. I just don't think it's very nice to be like, "Oh hey, surprise kisses! I'm gonna go now, so it's up to you to figure out whether or not I actually like you. Bye!"
but what do you think he thinks?
He probably just wants smoochie smoochie and no string and all that good stuff. He probably decided after the kiss he doesn't even want anything more than that. If you don't maybe pass that knowledge to him. He might be a little spooked for different reasons. Maybe your brother told him something that kind of spooked him. But really, just do what you say you are by not obsessing and play wow or whatever. He'll come around if he wants some more smoochie smoochie, however that's probably all he's looking for.
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I guess I'm wondering, do you think that in general people's romantic interests in one another can alter over time? Is it possible that in two, three years from now he will realise he does actually love me romantically not just as a very good friend? Or am I being overly optimistic and thereby wasting opportunities to branch out and meet new people?
You're wasting opportunities and being overly optimistic.
For the record, when we met I was seven and he was seventeen. I'm now eighteen (and obviously he's twenty-eight) so it's no longer weird.
You definately wasting opportunities and being overly optimistic.... And yes it's still weird.
edit: sorry for the double post...also..
Guys NGQ is the worst, aside from maybe Masterbainter.
Disregard both of them, really.
Your mom!... but in all seriousness, I respect others opinions here, I just have a different view most the time.
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God damn it.
So, I was catching up with Penny Arcade and found that they had some posts about self-proclaimed pickup artists and people who are active in some bullshit group that refers to themselves as the seduction community. Apparently they have some practice referred to as "negging" which is the use of borderline insulting language or backhanded compliments as a way of approaching women. To me it sounds like some kind of moronic way to show off your confidence at their expense. Well, I don't approach women this way; I approach everyone that way. It's partly due to ol' Mexican superstitions-- you don't want to call too much attention to your children or loved ones because the gaze of envious people can cause bad luck. You know, it's an evil eye thing. So, basically, my grandmother raised all of us in such a way that the back handed compliment essentially replaced terms of endearment in my family and the habit has stuck. For example, my dog Maggie answers to such loving terms as cochina, Maggot and stupid baby. My mother sometimes refers to her brother Steven as the biggest, stupidest jerk she knows (she also once cried when he moved two hours drive away because they don't see each other so much anymore, and when she first divorced he acted essentially as my surrogate father for years). But now I'm mildly horrified that my default communication style could cause me to be associated with these ass hats.
I might actually have to start being nice and honest with my emotions and shit.
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being an ass has it's ups, but once you get them you have to become nicer over time...
or use the nice guy approach and become an ass over time. Either way.
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Can we please not bring up the 'nice guy' thing again, because I swear I will smack some bitches if we get some "bloo bloo bloo nice guys finish last; the only people who get the girls are arseholes" shit in here.
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I can't wait for NQG to respond.
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isn't his problem not having the gal to go out or something?
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I'm not sure if I remember correctly, but I think one way this negging business was described in The Game was as an aspect of a general approach to women (or perhaps to everyone) that might strengthen one's own confidence: treat them kinda like you'd treat your sister, or your mate from grade-school who just happens to be a lady. Oh, and feel free to have a healthy disregard for various unwritten social rules.
You don't have to be an asshole and deliberately prey on the insecurities of insecure women with major issues, but different strokes I guess...
I don't think there's much reason to worry about being suspected of being an asshole though. That risk has always existed, since long before the "seduction community" arose, and it's there even in a meeting with someone who's never even heard of those people. The best you can do is to not [deliberately] be an asshole, and trust that that will be enough to uphold your good image.
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I guess I'm wondering, do you think that in general people's romantic interests in one another can alter over time? Is it possible that in two, three years from now he will realise he does actually love me romantically not just as a very good friend? Or am I being overly optimistic and thereby wasting opportunities to branch out and meet new people?
You're wasting opportunities and being overly optimistic.
For the record, when we met I was seven and he was seventeen. I'm now eighteen (and obviously he's twenty-eight) so it's no longer weird.
You definately wasting opportunities and being overly optimistic.... And yes it's still weird.
I agree with you 100%!
you see this?
(http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3571/3377388305_27cf521f74_o.jpg)
this is a ducky. Do not be a ducky. A ducky is a person that is best friends with the one they like and want to be with, but despite how nice they are or how compatible they seem to be, ducky is so dillusioned with the fact that ducky only wants, or only can be with their friend that ducky will no longer persue other oppertunities. Now despite all this longing, yearning, or whatever, the person ducky wants to be with, does not have the same feeling towards ducky. From expierence in high school as being a ducky, I say move on, if something happens later down the line sure, but do not count on it. Move on. Good luck and have fun.
And thanks all. I guess I am at a wait and see but I just like to be sure of stuff and I am not with this situation. Looks like I dont have a choice but to wait and see. Thanks again! :mrgreen:
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oh james, stop being bitter cause i CRUSHED YOUR DREAMS REPEATEDLY.
<3
Ooh, back story.
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I can't wait for NQG to respond.
Next on FOX! So You Think You Can Fart?
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But now I'm mildly horrified that my default communication style could cause me to be associated with these ass hats.
stop being horrified. "negging" is just one tactic used by pickup artists. it is not the entire pinnacle of seduction arts. based on what i know about you, you are a nerdy and somewhat sarcastic guy who plays too much wow. no one would ever mistake you for one those guys. (this is meant as a compliment)
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I'd say something about how I only play 3 nights a week, but it rings a li'l hollow since I have tankspot open in another window so I can get raid strats down before thursday. I need help.
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We can never tell what the future is going to hold, but yeah, don't spend too long being hung up on someone, from what I have seen it doesn't seem to help.
Also, when was it decided that socially awkward virgins minds would shatter like a fine porcelain vase under a jackhammer if exposed to rejection? I am socially awkward and virginal, doesn't mean that I have fallen to my knees screaming "nooooooooooooooooooo" after I was rejected. It all depends on the people involved.
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I can't wait for NQG to respond.
Next on FOX! So You Think You Can Fart?
Fantastic post, would definitely read again, 5 stars
Enjoy the random pagebreak bitches
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Sometimes a young mind needs a shattering rejection just to get that crap over with. Hell, I suffered a preemptive mind-shattering; I was so certain I was going to rejected that I was bummed out about it right up until I finally asked her and she said yes. I'm pretty glad that whole puberty thing is over with.
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ahhhhh, youth. I'm still enjoying it despite the fact that I am in my twenties.
So, I was wondering, what do people usually feel towards people you want to have a relationship with? Its just that I spend as much time as possible trying to be good and to like people, but I've found it increasingly weird trying to get any sort of emotional thing beyond friendship going. Was just wondering if this is a sign of me going mental, or a sign that I am trying too hard or something else entirely.
Answers on a postcard to the usual address
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Honestly though, this is the most depressing thread on the internet.
A bunch of maladjusted forum nerds trying to figure out why they are having trouble with girls(or boys!) by complaining about their poor social skills in a setting that is only going to serve to further retard the development of those social skills. Find a person, or persons!, you like, ask them out, be a relatively normal person, get laid.
Josef, trying to like people is a terrible idea. Hang out with people, let an attraction develop, or not!, and go from there. Forcing it is like, the dumbest thing.
Don't be dumb.
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Honestly though, this is the most depressing thread on the internet.
You clearly haven't seen the equivalent on the xkcd forums. One guy on that admitted to doing what one of the comics depicted in real life. Then asked for advice about it. It wasn't one of the nice romantic comics either...
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On the other hand, a few days ago me and my girlfriend had a conversation after sex after which I pointed out that we'd basically just written an xkcd comic, and we both had a great laugh about that and then had sex again.
I think the conversation was about creating a relationship grid that functioned like a political-leaning grid, with one axis representing the two partners' willingness to open the relationship up to the possibility of involving third parties in some way, and the other axis representing the partners' willingness to exchange roles with one another (such that the four corner extremes of the grid would be a dedicated master/slave BDSM relationship, a swinger relationship in which each of the two people were each always doms or subs no matter who they were with, a monogamous relationship in which each partner tried every facet of role-playing in turn and both got turns being in charge, and a polyamorous relationship in which both partners were free to do whatever they wanted).
I don't know, it was funny at the time, and then the sex was good (really good actually), so I guess the moral of the story is, don't rag on xkcd nerds and their relationships?
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Who said I was forcing it? I am hanging out with people to be friends with them, its just that for a lot of people they immediatly have a sort of "frisson" with people, I have never really got that with people and was wondering if it was just me.
I do admit it wasn't well phrased though, what I mean to say is I am just trying to make friends but I don't seem to have any immediate attraction to people which a lot of people just seem to get. People seem to get attracted and fall over themselves to pursue it, or are told not to make friends with the person and pursue them.
Also I would like to see that graph, might be quite fun to see if people on the forum could place themselves on it.
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Honestly though, this is the most depressing thread on the internet.
A bunch of maladjusted forum nerds trying to figure out why they are having trouble with girls(or boys!) by complaining about their poor social skills in a setting that is only going to serve to further retard the development of those social skills. Find a person, or persons!, you like, ask them out, be a relatively normal person, get laid.
QFT. In my teens, I was all, "It hurts, so I'm going to go on the internet and complain about it." Then I started hanging out with people in real life (reluctantly), and then I started having sex, and somewhere in there I became well-adjusted. It still hurts sometimes, but not all the time, and I bet talking about it on a message forum doesn't help, does it? It didn't for me, at least.
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and somewhere in there I became well-adjusted.
It was the sex.
Sexual frustration is as damaging to emotional health as severe trauma. :roll:Science says so! :wink:
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Science can be a little silly sometimes.
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Yeah, but that particular factoid is actually true (in my experience, at least).
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l2jerkoff
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It's just not the same.
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I have no sexing and I'm pretty damn well adjusted.
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So basically, sack the fuck up.
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I heard virginity makes people irritable.
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(http://web.mit.edu/ryangray/Public/Gnus/thumbs_up.jpg)
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NO FUCKING WAY! I mean, I've had plenty of sex.
No, in reality, I think actually interacting with people is what made me well-adjusted. No sex just results in poor decisions.
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But having sex with some people is also a poor decision.
Bbasically the moral is just do whatever, keep smiling, you'll end up okay. Maybe.
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The previous post was the most useful and helpful post in the history of boarding.
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But having sex with some people is also a poor decision.
And those are the types of decisions that no sex can lead to.
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If you're lucky (or just don't place too much importance on getting laid) you can learn to avoid those decisions. I know I've (unknowingly, I didn't know how bad it was until much later, I just decided that getting sleep was more important than guaranteed sex with a hot chick) dodged a particularly bad choice that would have undoubtedly put my previous bullshit relationship problem to shame.
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basically the moral is just do whatever, keep smiling, you'll end up okay.
yeah, i mean, pretty much. when it comes to relationships (including the casual sex stuff) i really just try to view it all as a learning experience where it's pretty pointless to waste a lot of time on regrets or constantly trying to make the right decision. so that guy was a dick, so you shouldn't have slept with that girl, so that relationship was a horrible catastrophe and your heart got shattered into a billion pieces. whatever! very few relationships are ever really a complete mistake. you'll always take something out of it. stop worrying, learn from the bad experiences, enjoy your life.
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This is starting to sound alot like that movie "he's just not that into you".
Pretty soon people will start talking about the rules and exception to the rules and by the end of this all someone will fall in love with someone they never though they would (PS and NQG) and everyone goes "Awwww..."
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Awwwww
Damnit, you're right. I was just thinking about it. But I think the key point here is that we're saying there aren't rules. People do things. Some of them work out well, some of them don't work out well. Try to do things that work out well, and if you don't, then at least you'll have learned to avoid that sort of thing in the future.
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or to not not avoid it!
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....Sure, we'll go with that?
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Masterbainter, do you post this awfully in other threads? I don't read a lot of them, so I could be mistaken, but god damn man you are horrid.
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Don't ban me guys I promise I'll start being unobtrusive and nice again soon.
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Why? I mean you are just being honest. Dude sucks.
Anyway, I didn't follow the advice of this thread for some relationship dilemma and it totally turned out fine! I am now dating a totally sweet amazing dude who was in a hella shitty relationship with a girl when I got involved.(Remember the dirty texts and whatnot? Well, come to find, that girl was regularly hitting on other dudes when they went out, ignoring him are clubs, and the first time they had sex was only because she wanted to have sex with another dude! Girl was not upset at all when they broke up, and I was there to instantly cheer dude up! by buying him Smashing Pumpkins vinyl!)
And then I once did follow the advice, and dude stopped pending so much time on the phone, took my out to a movie at a fancy theater, and didn't even look at his phone the whole night on our date last night!
So basically, uh, I agree with Lunchy and Tania. And you just have to go out and do what you need to, and keep smiling. Things will end up ok. Honestly.
And don't make fun of xkcd fans and their relationships. In my experience, they are probably have better sex than most.
And Wizard, that is awesome! Wooo awesome relationships!
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I am not specifically making fun of xkcd fans and their relationships, I was more pointing out that similar threads in other forums are at roughly the same level of "Oh just get a life dammit" as this one can be. I'm a fan of xkcd myself so :-P
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the answer is yes.
just make sure to use the least annoying Deerhoof songs you can to stack the odds a little more in your favor.
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Might not be the best idea, because what if they end up playing one of the most annoying songs at the show, and she hates it and is miserable most of the time? I'd say ease her into Deerhoof a little bit, but don't trick her into thinking she likes a band by only playing her the least representative songs of that band. Aside from that advice, definitely ask her out. I recently met this chick who plays violin (I love non-rock musicians) and asked her to a show that I thought she would enjoy. It turned out to be the best date I've ever had...with a girl who already has a boyfriend.
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Jens if you don't I am going to reach my fist through the tubes and punch you in the face.
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Yes, Jens, YES.
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i don't know about the deerhoof part. i mean i don't listen to them but based on what i've heard about them from other people, they're an acquired taste. so you have to consider what this lady already listens to and how willing she is to broaden her musical horizons.
but you can't really go wrong with a mixtape.
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Nah, Deerhoof are pretty damn pop and accessible. Then again I'm listening to horrible grindcore right now and I put this kind of thing on mixtapes for girls, so what the fuck do I know. I still say it's an excellent plan though, because even if she doesn't like it you can be all "well maybe seeing them live will change your mind".
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The thing is, you don't want her coming with you to a show that she hates and you love. If you both love it, it's great, if you both hate it, it can be okay (I've gone on dates like that), but you can't love it and have her hate it.
And Deerhoof is not accessible, or maybe they're accessible, but not something everyone likes, because I can't stand them, but I also haven't listened to them much.
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Jens what he is saying is that we should never date.
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'lationship thread: This girl. She wanst me to make her a mixtape. Deerhoof are playing next month and I have two tickets. Do I put Deerhoof on the mix and ask if she likes them and ask her out if she does? y/n
(this sly plot was brought to you by Sisterly Advice)
Yes. This is a good idea. Even if she says no, or does not enjoy the concert it will not stop it from being a good idea.
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The thing is, you don't want her coming with you to a show that she hates and you love. If you both love it, it's great, if you both hate it, it can be okay (I've gone on dates like that), but you can't love it and have her hate it.
And Deerhoof is not accessible, or maybe they're accessible, but not something everyone likes, because I can't stand them, but I also haven't listened to them much.
There's nothing everyone likes though, and I've actually had some good dates going to something I really hate that the other person loved and vice versa. Ended up with a whole 'that's really great you saw that with me even though you didn't like it' thing.
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Oh, ask her to the show, definitely, but you should definitely play her some representative Deerhoof so that she won't feel tricked going to a show that she thought would be one thing and ended up something else. And if she says that she doesn't want to go because she doesn't like them, then just ask her to dinner, or whatever cool kids do on a date these days.
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This isn't really relationship advice, or a call for it, but the sex I had last night resulted in me having a 5-minute orgasm. It was completely unbelievable. I got my world seriously rocked.
Oh, yeah. Mixtapes. Um, I should do that more often.
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5 minutes!? That's phenomenal. Most sex I have doesn't last... I mean, I'M GREAT IN BED, LADIES!
I can't do mix tapes. I'd just agonize over every song that I put on there way too much.
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This isn't really relationship advice, or a call for it, but the sex I had last night resulted in me having a 5-minute orgasm. It was completely unbelievable. I got my world seriously rocked.
Ah, the dreaded 'gusher'. You have my deepest sympathies.
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Guys, the point isn't about which band he's asking her to see, it's that he's making her a mixtape and then asking her to see one of the bands on it. This scores major points, at least in my book.
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Five minutes??! Uninterrupted??! Bloody hell, I didn't know that was physiologically possible for a guy. Damn.
I'd prolly be all cramped-up and squealing with pain by the end of that :S
Mixtapes though... I mean, CDs, yeah. I have no idea who Deerhof are, but that's a pretty cool idea. Dinner's also a good idea. Do both!
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Oh, he should definitely ask her out. I never said that he shouldn't. I was just saying that it might be a poor idea to put "the least annoying Deerhoof songs" on there, which I felt would misrepresent Deerhoof, and be disingenuous. Using trickery is never a good idea. I probably didn't clearly illustrate that my problem was with that suggestion, and only that suggestion.
Both is great, by the way, because you need to eat before going to a show so that you can have energy to rock out!
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Five minutes??! Uninterrupted??! Bloody hell, I didn't know that was physiologically possible for a guy. Damn.
I'd prolly be all cramped-up and squealing with pain by the end of that :S
Yeah, that fully sounds like the gush (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_mOf4kJ7dE). He probably doesn't have long to live now.
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JensYens, do it. I would love a boy forever if he did that, even if I thought the band sucked. Maybe she will like the openers if she doesn't like Deerhoof? Maybe she will go even if she doesn't like them because she likes you!
*sorry boring page break!
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No way! This is great advice on the page break, without any other discussions going on. And from an actual female, too! So you know it's good.
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Don't ban me guys I promise I'll start being unobtrusive and nice again soon.
It's okay I don't have the same sense of humor as everyone else, so I don't expect others to have the same sense I do.
However, it is pretty lame you have to use personal attacks, but whatever you feel righteous doing, I suppose.
... Also, emaline you promised you would ignore me, so how would you know if I sucked currently or not? :laugh:
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Five minutes??! Uninterrupted??! Bloody hell, I didn't know that was physiologically possible for a guy. Damn.
I'd prolly be all cramped-up and squealing with pain by the end of that :S
Cramped up, yeah. Squealing, almost. Pain? Not exactly. But I was definitely incapacitated. I couldn't focus my eyes for at least 15 minutes, I know that much. I don't think I was capable of putting a coherent sentence together for about as long. It's not exactly something you just bounce back from. I needed serious recovery time after that.
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quick Liz, go to the Relationship thread and explain your situation and at the end ask if the boy really likes you or not! What should you dooooo?
GUYS there is this boy that I've like for a while and he has liked me for a while and on Saturday I went to a party at his place and we flirted and then he was all "I like you a lot!" and I was all "OMG me too" and there were kisses and such and then I went over again on Monday night and there were kisses and we boned and last night we hung out together and got some food and some some bluegrass music and then we had some kisses and we boned again and he told me he liked me again and I told him I liked him again and god I'm so confused I don't know if he likes me.
DOES HE LIKE ME.
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I wish I could sigquote that entire post.
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I DON'T KNOW LIZ! I DON'T KNOW IF HE LIKES YOU!
(Go you!)
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That's a tough one. I mean, on one hand, he said he likes you. On the other hand, maybe he doesn't. What you should do is stay on the internet until we can divine whether or not he likes you.
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Try ignoring him or being a complete bitch to him, to see how much he likes you.
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I'm not sure I could bone to bluegrass.
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I know that her time line doesn't really indicate whether that actually happened or not, but it still came to mind.
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It's ok, I wouldn't be able to bone to bluegrass either. I like it, but it's not really the sexiest of music genres.
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I believe, although I have not tested the theory, that Liz can bone to any music.
Guys, I have a question about relationships in the wider sense of the word (as in, I am talking about a friend rather than a romantic/love/sex interest).
I have a friend and she is very insecure and needy. This is an accepted and understood fact, and we've worked round it for the last year or so. We've always got on really well although at some point she has fallen out with each of our other friends over something very minor, and held a grudge about it for several weeks. I naively believed it wouldn't happen to me so it was a shock to get a very long text this morning accusing me of all kinds of friendship-neglect and dismissing her, etc etc. Her main complaint appears to be that I did not reply to her most recent text (this is true, it was an oversight which I've apologised for) and that I am happy that I got into Cambridge.
Leaving aside what seems to be a bit of a jealousy issue, I was wondering who you thought was in the wrong here. She's absolutely right that I haven't seen her much in the last few weeks, because I've been home for three days since July 21st. We did make plans to meet up when I got back from America (tentative plans months ago) but I was much too tired and had completely forgotten. I've apologised for that too. And she's right that I didn't speak to her much yesterday at the results day because I was so stressed and panicky and busy with trying to sort out what the hell was going on. But I feel like she's overreacting to something that really isn't a huge issue; other than yesterday, I had seen her most recently out of all my college friends. The only reason she didn't come out with us to celebrate our grades is that she lives about thirty miles away and has no car.
Whilst I can see her point of view, I feel as though her incredible insecurities are making her self-destructive. This isn't the first time she has accused someone of not being a good enough friend (and thereby ensured they are not her friend at all), so it isn't a personal slight to me. And in the interests of giving you the full picture, I do like hanging out with her and she can be very kind and is probably the most sympathetic friend I have when I need to cry on someone's shoulder, but her emotional issues and her rather judgemental attitude to life means she isn't really much fun to be with. My main concern is that I don't want to move away to uni knowing that I've left behind a smashed-up friendship, but I can't see us being best buddies forever once I lived three hundred miles away.
Tl;dr am I a bad friend or is she a bit melodramatic?
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She's a bit melodramatic.
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Have you ever told her that you think she might be a bit too much at times? That's a difficult thing to do, granted. She might realize that she's not being a great friend, or she might get really pissed off. You'd also have to phrase it really well. If you think it might work, it'd probably be worth it, but don't take my word for it. Wait for a few more opinions.
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You're not a bad friend, and she is a bit melodramatic, but that's not that big a deal ultimately. Just do what you can and don't be offended when it's not enough for her. Sooner or later she'll figure out how to take care of herself to the extent that she won't need her friends to bend over backwards. That process isn't going to be helped if you let her push you to act out of frustration or spite (so remove yourself when she gets to be too much for you) but it's also not going to be helped if you refuse to do anything for her at all (so be the friend that you would want someone to be for you).
The distance issue is what it is. Don't sweat it too much.
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Have you ever told her that you think she might be a bit too much at times? That's a difficult thing to do, granted. She might realize that she's not being a great friend, or she might get really pissed off. You'd also have to phrase it really well. If you think it might work, it'd probably be worth it, but don't take my word for it. Wait for a few more opinions.
100% this, without being too hurtful or without sounding too defensive.
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I wish I could sigquote that entire post.
I wish you could too. I am proud of it. Maybe pick the best bits and leave some out?
(he is saying BILLL)
Thanks for telling my boy's name to the whole internet. You fuck. (kidding <3)
That's a tough one. I mean, on one hand, he said he likes you. On the other hand, maybe he doesn't. What you should do is stay on the internet until we can divine whether or not he likes you.
Okay.
Try ignoring him or being a complete bitch to him, to see how much he likes you.
No.
I know that her time line doesn't really indicate whether that actually happened or not, but it still came to mind.
We saw some live bluegrass and then we went and boned.
I believe, although I have not tested the theory, that Liz can bone to any music.
This is completely true.
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While it has nothing to do with relationships, I'd just like to thank you for mentioning bluegrass. It's been a long long time since I last got hooked on it. Far too long :)
You guys like listening to bluegrass together. You like eating together. And you quite obviously like boning each other. I'm confused... what are the odds of you two not liking each other? =P
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(that was the point, she was being funny. ALSO LIZ I WANT TO SEE A PICTURE OF HIM TO MAKE SURE HE IS CUTE) (ALSO GOOD JOB BUDDY)
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(ME TOO! MUST JUDGE HIM ON THE CUTENESS SCALE!)
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Guys if there is a boy that I would like to makeout with but he is not into casual things what do I do?
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I take it you're not into non-casual things at this point? Just straight up ask him I guess. He might make an exception. There might not be much else you can do outside of deception. But then, I am not a creative type.
So I went to a show put on by my friend's band, where I was introduced to a stunningly beautiful poli sci MA recipient at my college (a bit older than myself, but that just seems to make her more attrative). We talked about school pretty avidly until the fucking openers drowned out our convo and she was smart and funny and I think I acquitted myself pretty well. She left, and I was hoping she'd be at the afterparty, thus I went. I did not see her BUT I did meet a cute hipster girl (with piercings and a chestpiece and everything) who I debated technical and art design in video games with for a good hour and a half. She was there with a guy who was either a boyfriend or a good friend (apparently they have separate beds, so maybe?) but man, she is adorable and brassy and I think I like her.
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Can everyone please stop using the word bone
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Guys if there is a boy that I would like to makeout with but he is not into casual things what do I do?
I disagree with the just asking and hoping he'll make an exception. Even if he does make an exception, he might not be into casual things because he can't keep them casual, and that would be something regrettable.
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Yeah, you have every right to be up front with what you want and see if he's willing to give it a shot, but that doesn't necessarily make it a good idea. If you're really just after makeouts with a reasonably decent person than you can probably afford to hold out a while longer until you find someone more amenable.
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Guys if there is a boy that I would like to makeout with but he is not into casual things what do I do?
Remember that it's okay to lie to men because they are not real people.
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Can everyone please stop using the word bone
Would you say you have a bone to pick with anyone that uses it?
/
(http://www.qwantz.com/forum/images/smiles/trex-omg.gif)
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Oh, T-Rex, you and your silly word games!
Ha! Ha!
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Was given sage advice today: "u have to kiss lots of frogettes b4 u meet ur princess"
Can everyone please stop using the word bone
Would you say you have a bone to pick with anyone that uses it?
/
(http://www.qwantz.com/forum/images/smiles/trex-omg.gif)
praise you
praise you
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After conferring with my girlfriend I am now quite sure that I could actually bone to bluegrass if only it didn't cockblock me.
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Hello again, Relationship thread. I need advice. I'm planning on asking someone out (no, for those who are keeping score, I still don't get the point of the whole dating/relationship thing, I'm hoping to figure it out as I go along), but I haven't gotten out much, so I don't know what there is to do around here. She probably does, as she socializes more often than I do. Would it be a terrible faux pas to ask her to go out with me, and if she said yes, then decide with her what we would be doing? The benefit, aside from having some idea what to do, would be that I would know that she would be interested in it, since she probably suggested it or something very similar. Of course, for all I know it could be considered completely graceless.
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This conversation is a totally normal and reasonable one to start:
"Hey, I was wondering if you'd like to go out sometime. I'm not really sure what you're into, though, and I don't want for us to be bored, so I'm open to ideas ... what do you say we do something together [on specific day that you're free]?"
If she is at all interested in you she will probably get around to asking you what kind of stuff you like to do relatively quickly. My advice is that it is not a terrible thing to admit that you don't get out much but that you'd like to more.
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Oh, she knows I don't get out much, I was more worried that it might be violating some sort of unwritten law.
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I think you're fine then. You don't have full responsibility for deciding what the two of you will do. Nobody's going to get upset or put off at you if you ask them if they want to help decide what to do.
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But if she offers up a list of suggestions try to choose one on your own. A lot of women are turned off by indecisive men (at least in my experience).
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SECONDED! On all of it.
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Hey guys!
I'm pretty lonely and spend a lot of time reminiscing and contemplating the abyss,* but I've decided that it's time to maybe get to know someone on an intimate level. Aside from my 3 Wolf Moon shirt, I was just wondering how I could entice attractive people of all varieties into my sleeping sack, beddings, or couch as the case may be. Do any of you irascible Casanovas have any hot tips or tricks for me next time I go out prowling? I have my own car, so all sorts of locales are open! I was thinking I could start with the mall, the beach, my grandmother's pool, the dressing room in the local H&M, but I'm not invested in any particular location, just so long as it has the honeys.
Much Obliged,
Phooey
*I don't like when it gazes also.
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I can't think of anything more effective than a 3 Wolf Moon shirt. Just go to the mall, grab a table at the food court, and look at all of the girls. If they make eye contact, then they like you, but they're testing you. Once eye contact is initiated, you must not be the one to break. They'll start coming over to your table soon.
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Just remember that if they arch their back, they're fair game.
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Unless they're also hissing, in which case the ached back is a sign they're about to pounce and remove your eyes from your face.
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The help so far is appreciated, but I am not simply looking for a floozy to spend a night with. I may have misled you with my original post, but I am in reality looking for a person who is willing to put out and is physically attractive who will never leave me. I am looking for someone serious - life partner material. Since I was young, my steady diet of Rom-Dramedies have made it obvious that there is someone out there for everyone. As I see it, a very destitute woman can marry a man with money; a man who likes fellatio can marry a short, slobbery woman; a woman with bad skin can (and should!)l marry a man who has procured a lot of lotion; a man who likes condiments will find a dubious justice-of-the-peace to marry him to a facsimile woman crafted of relish and hommus. Not only are these life partners wonderful, but they also are absolutely necessary for some reason.
How and who should I pick and pursue to be my modestly-successful-but-not-overchieving lifemate?
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Well, no-one here can really tell you who, unless they believe they are that person.
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In my experience, the boarders here have given sage advice even in matters where they cannot profess to have much knowledge. I was hoping there was some sort of Konami code to finding a loved one, but I'm afraid gamefaqs hasn't been very helpful either. If you can help, I will take your advice, but failing that, I have a survey and obstacle course prepared, just in case.
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At the risk of looking like an idiot, I assume you're joking about the cheat codes and obstacle course... :-P
I guess I definitely can't help you with the how, because I have enough trouble with that myself, but the who...well, in my experience (Disclaimer: I don't have much experience) you have to find someone who makes you happy, and at the same time you want them to be happy all the time. In the best case scenario, this person feels the same about you, and then you've probably found that life partner. To be really clichéd about love, you'll know it when you find it.
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If dating shows had obstacle courses I would totally do them.
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Have you considered a move to Japan lately?
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Hmm.
I had heard that doing the following is a surefire method of success, certainly if you intend on being in Japan:
- Set yourself a time limit of 100 days.
- Spend each of those days either studying at school, working out at the gym, or doing 'errands' to earn cash.
- After a period of time, approach a female student from your college likely to be impressed by your daily efforts.
- Ask her out on a date. If she agrees take her to any one of several locations including a woodland sauna, a strip club, or outer space.
- Repeat several times. Be prepared to part with several lavish gifts and answer the same questions over and over again.
- At day 100 true love should follow.
Simples.
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I want a doctor to take your picture, so I can look at you from inside as well.
You've got me turning up and turning down, and turning in and turning 'round.
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This isn't really relationship advice, or a call for it, but the sex I had last night resulted in me having a 5-minute orgasm. It was completely unbelievable. I got my world seriously rocked.
Oh, yeah. Mixtapes. Um, I should do that more often.
Did you sound like this? (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HOHriDR8F8o)
Actually, the mental image makes me giggle.
Edit: best pagebreak
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Just remember that if they arch their back, they're fair game.
Thanks for reminding me of this gem!
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one of the many gems this thread has to offer.
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I've never bothered to read this thread before and for some reason started reading the first page today. I keep almost replying to six month old posts, I hate it when I do that.
EDIT: holy shit duchess posted on page 37
EDIT2: wait I'm looking at her last posts and she posted twice this summer. Does that mean she's back? does it???
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Maybe she'd come back if we were funnier.
We're not funny anymore.
We joked before the finish and now our paint is cracked. We used to be such pretty little gnomes...
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Guys, my girlfriend just broke up with me.
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I know, I know.
It's just.. Urghh. First it's all like 'you're perfect, I'm all yours', then she breaks up with me because of my best friend, who is 'in love with me', as if that mattered for shit when it comes to anything at all.
I'm not too great at dealing with this stuff.
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Wait, that leaves a lot of questions open. She believes that your best friend is in love with you, so she breaks up with you ... but is it because she wants you to be free to be with your best friend, or because she's afraid that if she doesn't break up with you that you'll break up with her to be with your best friend, or because she thinks your best friend will try to steal you from her and succeed, or ... what? I don't get it.
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Closer to the last one, but more like; she doesn't want my best friend to try and sabotage our relationship, and she can't stand it anymore.
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how long were you together? was it long enough for her to know that your friend didn't have a shot? how did you show her that you were all for her? what was your reaction to your best friend when she tells you she wants to be with you?
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how long were you together?
A few months.. Not too long, but we got really close. :|
was it long enough for her to know that your friend didn't have a shot? how did you show her that you were all for her?
Well, yeah, I told her that before we started the relationship. And.. I told her, a lot. And she told me the same thing.
what was your reaction to your best friend when she tells you she wants to be with you?
Can't remember, it was ages ago. That's been happening for a few years.
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Do you keep this best friend around because she's into you and it provides you the occasional ego boost knowing that you have someone to fall back on? Or did your gf give you some sort of "me or her" ultimatum?
I'm not trying to be a dick here, I'm just curious. I've seen girls string a guy along forever knowing that he's completely head over heels for her, while she dates all sorts of other dudes.
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Do you keep this best friend around because she's into you and it provides you the occasional ego boost knowing that you have someone to fall back on? Or did your gf give you some sort of "me or her" ultimatum?
I'm not trying to be a dick here, I'm just curious. I've seen girls string a guy along forever knowing that he's completely head over heels for her, while she dates all sorts of other dudes.
Actually, I'm a guy. :P No, it doesn't give me an ego boost at all, pretty much the opposite. I'd never date her or see her, because I have no feelings like that for her, I keep her around because when she isn't moping or making me feel guilty she is an awesome person, and I have a very strong platonic attachment to her. I've already told her, several times, that I have no feelings for her like that, and we've tried not-being-friends for her to get over me several times, but that never works. Oh, and I'm not dating all sorts of people, this is the first 'serious' partner I've had for quite a long time.
My gf just decided it was too much, after my friend was a dick about her to me.
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Yeah, I figured you were a guy. I was just reminded of one of my buddies that is pining over a girl, and she cries on his shoulder whenever her relationships fail, and then goes after another guy shortly afterwards.
I don't think this girl is that great of a friend if her actions are sabotaging your relationships. I think you either have to cut her loose or give in. Don't really see a middle ground.
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Well, she hasn't been actively sabotaging it, as such. Just some of the things she does and says seemed to have been placing a strain on my now-ex. :|
EDIT: Also, it would be kinda difficult to cut her loose, seeing as though quite a lot of my friends who I hang out with regularly are also her friends who she hangs out with regularly, so we would still see each other a lot.
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So ... basically, your girlfriend was afraid that your platonic friend would cause the relationship to end, so she ... ended the relationship.
Seems kinda self-defeating to me. If she's afraid of the relationship failing or ending, why is it that her reaction to that fear is to cause precisely what she's so afraid of?
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Sometimes you'd rather just have closure than worry about what's going to happen. I have that feeling with job applications; if they're going to turn me down then I wish they'd just do it already, stretching out the worrying sucks.
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Maybe that's just what she told him because she didn't think the relationship was going anywhere.
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I'm pretty sure it's the truth.
Just elaborate on that a bit - the relationship had barely started, and it was definitely going somewhere, before all this latest shit happened.
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Sounds like the lady you were dating is not stable enough to be in a relationship. I'd be willing to bet if it wasn't this friend, it would have been somebody else with her. Until this excuse for the breakup becomes a repeat thing, don't worry about it, she wasn't ready/didn't want to be in a relationship with you, don't obsess over the thing. People like to think that things are not their fault. The girl you were dating is no exception.
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The relationship seemed stable enough and we were both very very happy with each other until a few days ago.. Oh well. :/ Guess I'll find some way to move on.
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Sometimes I wish I was less picky about people. I miss snuggles. :(
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Me too, Katie, I'm starting to rethink my "ideal image of a guy" because I miss snuggles as well.
Boyfriend-for-now ain't too shabby, yeah?? Webcest doesn't count!
PS: bbq, you're in a really tough situation :-(, and neither you nor your ex-girlfriend can be blamed entirely for what happened. My suggestion to you would be to hang tight, and who knows, perhaps the two of you might get back in a relationship together. Or you might enjoy being single for awhile or find another gal who's totally into you (and isn't put off by any of your female friends). Good luck with everything!
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I was actually contemplating propositioning one of my friends and seeing if he could be trusted to stay emotionally uninvolved. But then I found out today that he is dating his codependent ex again and I decided that it was not a great idea anyway, but that at least I hadn't had to realise it the hard way. (Now I am just back to questioning his character judgment. How can he want to date that?)
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PS: bbq, you're in a really tough situation :-(, and neither you nor your ex-girlfriend can be blamed entirely for what happened. My suggestion to you would be to hang tight, and who knows, perhaps the two of you might get back in a relationship together. Or you might enjoy being single for awhile or find another gal who's totally into you (and isn't put off by any of your female friends). Good luck with everything!
Cheers. :-) I think I'm gonna work on it for a while, see what happens. Thanks for the help guys.
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(Now I am just back to questioning his character judgment. How can he want to date that?)
probably has less to do with attraction and a lot more to do with mistaking pity and obligation for attraction, imo. i had a best friend years back who is an absolutely incredible person and was involved with a codependent girl who was kind of a train wreck for almost two years and every time i brought up the question "okay, so, uh, why are you still with her?" in response to him discussing relationship problems with me, the answer was always something along the lines of how he just felt bad for her and wanted to help her become more stable. then he finally realized that it wasn't his job to be her parent and ended it. for the duration of the relationship and a little while after i judged him pretty harshly as well cos i couldn't figure out how he could be attracted to women like that without being a complete chauvinist, except i've known him for years and he's obviously neither sexist nor a chauvinist (he was my best friend and put up with me all the time too, after all) so that accusation was pretty ridiculous. in the end it was really more a case of him trying much too hard to help, rather than hurt, someone he cared about and then having absolutely no idea where to draw the line. we still keep in touch and as far as i know he hasn't been involved with any other codependent women since then.
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(Now I am just back to questioning his character judgment. How can he want to date that?)
you see what you said over here:
Sometimes I wish I was less picky about people. I miss snuggles. :(
he could very well be in the exact same situation. not looking for miss right, just looking for miss right now. can't question a guys judgement for doing that especially if you're considering lowering your standards as well.
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Emaline, this sounds like a direct quote from the lives of my friends Jason and Lara. The thing is, Jason and Lara are not so cleanly separated and are sort of dating again (and again and again: they do break up a lot, but this most recent time was a huge deal and was like a Break Up). But Lara is codependent (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency). Basically this means that she desperately needs people to need her, and if she feels that she is becoming less necessary to the people she wants to need her, she will create problems for them so that they will need fixing by her. A lot of this is unconscious. In fact, until he dragged her to a Codependents Anonymous meeting, she didn't even realise it was unnatural, much less a psychological condition.
Lara does not have a job. In all the years that I have known her, she worked at Kroger as a cashier for like 2 months, when suddenly she somehow managed to pinch a nerve or slip a disc in her back and could no longer stand upright for that long anymore. I am not sure how she slipped a disc because she doesn't do anything except fuck boys and cheat on her boyfriends, and I am not sure how she could have known that a pinched nerve is what happened because she makes a huge deal about not being able to afford health insurance, but either way, that is the story. Jason is marginally smarter about the money thing, it sounds like, because while he also went into debt buying her stuff, it was only stuff that they would both benefit from (food, rent when they were living together, sex toys, etc). That he and his credit are now suffering is his own fault, but he is well aware of this and considers it worthwhile.
Anyway, Lara is clingy. Lara is passive-aggressive and jealous and entitled. When Jason was out with other girls while they were more definitely broken up, she was constantly interrupting him with phone calls and texts, the same way your boyfriend's friend is. Jason realised later that he should have told her to fuck off, because ultimately it ended up costing him a potential girlfriend(s) (I will save what a tragedy I think this was for another day) who did not want to deal with that.
He has had other options. She is the one who cheated on him for two years and they broke up so she could date that other guy. He knows that she is not good for him, but he thinks she is improving, and while I understand he may not have a great deal of objective perspective on this, there is a certain point where you get sick of being a doormat.
Or not, I guess, if that is his thing.
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Up, down, turn around
Please don't let me hit the ground
Tonight I think I'll walk alone
I'll find my soul as I go home.
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Oh man, Katie, thanks for that story/advice/thoughts on that, btw. It was actually helpful. It got me to see other people's view on things. Thanks to everyone who gave me advice on that problem.
And bbq, it actually sounds like your girlfriend was in my shoes. Yeah, its difficult being with someone when someone who has been in their life longer likes/loves them, too. Especially if they have treated them indecently in the past. It's like on one hand, "you guys are friends and I want you to be happy" but on the other "she cause all this friction between us because she wants you for her own." Its very difficult, and sometimes the easiest thing is to remove yourself from the equation. Your girlfriend felt that her position in your life was threatened. Instead of causing more problems, she chose to changed the one thing she easily could, her being in your life. I'm sure she is upset about it too, but getting over a relationship is easier than staying in a relationship that is filled with drama caused by other people.
Have you tried talking to your friend about it? Have you tried sitting your friend down and letting her know that, while you do still care about her, she is totally fucking things up for you with other girls? I would sit her down and let her know that she is causing a lot of trouble, but let her know that you do still care about you. I mean it is pretty bullshit that she would talk poorly about your girlfriend to you. That sucks. Just let her know that, while she is an important person in your life, your girlfriend is(was) too.
Then if you'd like to be with this girl, talk to her. Maybe you guys can work things out. Let her know that you've talked to the best friend. Tell her the best friend is an important person to you, but that she is too.
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So I was looking at computers at best buy the other day and this cute girl who works there came over and helped me and we talked computers for a bit and then just kind of talked about music and stuff until I realized i had no idea what computer i wanted and..not important part...Alright but she gives me the card for the computer i want so i can remember which one i want and then we talk for awhile and I get her number. We had talked for awhile and both forgot she was working until i noticed i had to go to work. So I text her later that day to ask if she wants to do something soon and she seems pretty excited for it. I ask her if she wants to hang out monday and she says "When? I have class" and i tell her i'm done around 7 then a couple minutes later add that i'm free tuesday. She never responded to that so now it's two days later and I want to ask "hey are we hanging out tomorrow?" but i don't want to come off as desperate or overthinking (which is what i'm doing). So should i just say "hey, are we hanging out tomorrow?" tonight or just ignore it and ask another time?
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And bbq, it actually sounds like your girlfriend was in my shoes. Yeah, its difficult being with someone when someone who has been in their life longer likes/loves them, too. Especially if they have treated them indecently in the past. It's like on one hand, "you guys are friends and I want you to be happy" but on the other "she cause all this friction between us because she wants you for her own." Its very difficult, and sometimes the easiest thing is to remove yourself from the equation. Your girlfriend felt that her position in your life was threatened. Instead of causing more problems, she chose to changed the one thing she easily could, her being in your life. I'm sure she is upset about it too, but getting over a relationship is easier than staying in a relationship that is filled with drama caused by other people.
Yeah, I get that.
Have you tried talking to your friend about it? Have you tried sitting your friend down and letting her know that, while you do still care about her, she is totally fucking things up for you with other girls? I would sit her down and let her know that she is causing a lot of trouble, but let her know that you do still care about you. I mean it is pretty bullshit that she would talk poorly about your girlfriend to you. That sucks. Just let her know that, while she is an important person in your life, your girlfriend is(was) too.
I've had a little talk with her like that. Not so directly, but I think she gets the point.
Then if you'd like to be with this girl, talk to her. Maybe you guys can work things out. Let her know that you've talked to the best friend. Tell her the best friend is an important person to you, but that she is too.
I've tried that.. She says maybe in the future it could work, but not right now. We're still gonna be friends and hang out and stuff, just not be in a relationship.
Of course, now I feel fine about problems regarding her, I have a vague feeling of foreboding that a different girl is gonna cause me a hell of a lot of problems, quite soon.
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You may have to talk to her more than once. It took several talks between my boyfriend and his best female friend before she even started treating me moderately decent. Many of the talks, he had their other best friend there to back him up because he saw how she treated me too. So I mean really, I'd talk to her until I saw an improvement.
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Yeah, I will, but she doesn't really react too well to confrontation IRL, and neither do I. :| I will have to have another talk sometime, but a plus at the moment is that she doesn't know aformentioned 'different girl who is gonna cause me a hell of a lot of problems, quite soon.'
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So should i just say "hey, are we hanging out tomorrow?"
Yes. You're better off pushing just a little bit now, while the memory of your conversation is still pretty fresh in her mind. The longer you wait, the more likely she is to say, "Eh, we didn't click that much."
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I'd replace "are we hanging out?" with a more concrete suggestion eg. "hey, let's have fika tomorrow :)" but perhaps I'm just nitpicking :)
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She didn't even respond. Man Fuck. I'm kind of not sure how i feel about this, because i mean it's just a girl who i hardly knew, but it sucks that it's so hard to get a girl.
Oh well, before meeting her I wasn't even interested in a relationship anymore. Back to that.
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That does suck for ya, abadname, but that won't be your last opportunity to meet another cool girl, trust me :-). I find that the best way to connect with strangers (like people you meet in Best Buy!) is to strive for friendly chats first instead of expecting dates (or even a relationship) to happen right off the bat. She might've thought you were coming on a little strong, or perhaps she genuinely forgot about your planned meeting or is busy. Hell, she might even be having phone problems.
Maybe the next time you go to Best Buy and see her there, casually ask her about the missed hangout! Anywho, sounds like you guys had a connection, so don't give up right away if you're really interested in her.
PS: I happen to be the type of girl who gets skittish if random dudes ask me for my number in public places (i.e. looking at you, creepy guy in the Comics section of a bookstore who tried to hit on me), but that doesn't seem to be the case with the Best Buy chick! If she gave you her number, that's a good sign.
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she doesn't really react too well to confrontation IRL, and neither do I.
You probably should learn how to do this. It is possible to be diplomatic and even nice about stuff, but you have to figure out how to distance yourself from your anger or frustration first.
However, if you don't ever do this, how will you ever address problems in relationships with anyone, even friends?
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agreed. learning how to not be afraid to discuss anything with your partner coupled with being a good listener is like 98% of whether or not a relationship succeeds or fails, imo.
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I didn't mean I can't do confrontations, I just meant it would go down extremely, extremely badly.
Right now, I need to figure out how I am going to pursue a relationship with this other girl.
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Wait. What? Is the a second girl, or are you still talking about the girl who broke things off with you?
Nonetheless, you can calmly and rationally explain how your friend is making your love life difficult and not cause any drama between you two. If the confrontation is ending poorly it is because someone there is choosing to make it. Call your friend a few days ahead of time and say "hey, I need to talk to you about things. Lets hang out."
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agreed. learning how to not be afraid to discuss anything with your partner coupled with being a good listener is like 98% of whether or not a relationship succeeds or fails, imo.
No okay listen guys, I'm going to be married within a year so let me explain how to make a relationship last.
1) If your partner wants to do something and you don't, do it anyway but act really put out by it. Let them know how much you're inconvenienced by them, but don't like...actually say it out loud. Just be sort of bitchy and grumpy about it, so you don't have to actually come to any discussion about it because that's awful. This goes double for sex. If you don't want to have sex just do it anyway, but be really pissed off about it and next time you want to have sex remember how pissed off you were and don't have sex. Just angrily masturbate to punish your partner. Remember: angry sex rocks and you want to keep that seething anger up!
2) Speaking of sex, keep a running tally of your orgasms vs. your partner's. Every so often, look at it and compare. If you have more, you're a selfish asshole and should feel really bad about it. Contribute more. If they have more, they're not keeping up their end of the deal and should be made to feel bad. See point 1 about angry sex. If they're equal, you have a perfect relationship and shouldn't do anything. Don't let your partner know you're keeping score. They'll try to mess it up.
3) Compromise your values to make your partner happy often. If they want a threesome, well you damn well better do it even if it hurts because this relationship is about making the other person happy, dammit. Remember point 1, though!
4) Keep conversation light and fluffy. Do not under any circumstances discuss things that may prove relevant to your own relationship. Okay topics include: the weather, reality TV, childrens' movies(steer clear of the topic of children!), Tommydski's cock(it is assumed you are not dating Tommydski).
5) Remember to always feel simultaneously at fault and angry at your partner. You both need to always working a lot harder to make this shit work or it'll just fall apart. If you find yourself relaxed and at peace with your relationship, it's about to go south.
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Oh King of Kings, we shall build a monument to your relationship knowledge. People shall look upon it and despair forever!
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jordan's fiancee is the luckiest girl in the world
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What if we have already discussed Tommydski's cock and are still okay
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No okay listen guys, I'm going to be married within a year so let me explain how to make a relationship last.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Finally the dating rules i've been looking for!
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Yeah, those are awesome guidelines.
OK, so I asked the girl I've liked for the last two years if she wants to meet up for a drink sometime, she tells me she has a better idea and that she'll get back to me. I am really excited. I expected her to tell me she was too busy or something.
Wait, I should be asking for advice or giving advice...hmm...
Advice: Just keep trying :lol:
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Wait. What? Is the a second girl, or are you still talking about the girl who broke things off with you?
A second girl.. Well, more like the first girl, because the girl who broke things off with me was really the second girl.
Nonetheless, you can calmly and rationally explain how your friend is making your love life difficult and not cause any drama between you two. If the confrontation is ending poorly it is because someone there is choosing to make it. Call your friend a few days ahead of time and say "hey, I need to talk to you about things. Lets hang out."
Its all cool now, though. She's been out of the country for a week, I think, so she sent me a message over facebook (my friend) saying that she was gonna tell my ex she was gonna stop acting silly and try and be friends with us both, again, but her computer was broken, so she couldn't. And we broke up in that space of broken-computer time
*facepalms*
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So, today I flirted with the really attractive hostess at this restaurant that I go to all the time (she's kind of new), and I think that I may like her. Now, this is something that I'm really terrible at. I feel that it's extremely awkward to ask someone out at her place of work. Is it? How do I do it? Will I look like a complete fool to everyone who works there (with whom I am reasonably good friends)?
Also, in interesting news, this girl that I had kind of been trying to get with until I thought she was leaving town apparently hasn't. This is GOOD NEWS, because I think she kind of likes me, too.
Love interests are like buses, for reals. And the simile works even further because I don't take the bus...
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What if we have already discussed Tommydski's cock and are still okay
That is an okay topic, don't worry.
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jordan's fiancee is the luckiest girl in the world
yes, yes i am. :wink:
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I just spent ten minutes stumbling in circles around my house, and I honestly can't tell if I was crying or laughing. Maybe I was doing both at once. That's... not good, is it.
I mean it, I couldn't tell if I was crying or laughing. That alone is strange enough that it distracted me from the downward spiral of dispair that brought it on in the first place. Seriously. WTF?
I should be asleep. I've got art class in 13 hours... Blasted Insomnia!
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Don't ever let him stick it there again if it made you feel that way.
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Someone I've briefly talked to on OkCupid friended me on Facebook. The only reason he knows my name is because he asked if I had a website, which I completely forgot has my full name on the contact page. I don't know how I feel about this.
People make me paranoid and I haven't the faintest clue why. I am a silly, silly girl.
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So, today I flirted with the really attractive hostess at this restaurant that I go to all the time (she's kind of new), and I think that I may like her. Now, this is something that I'm really terrible at. I feel that it's extremely awkward to ask someone out at her place of work. Is it? How do I do it? Will I look like a complete fool to everyone who works there (with whom I am reasonably good friends)?
Also, in interesting news, this girl that I had kind of been trying to get with until I thought she was leaving town apparently hasn't. This is GOOD NEWS, because I think she kind of likes me, too.
Love interests are like buses, for reals. And the simile works even further because I don't take the bus...
With the hostess girl, the window there I think is the fact you are reasonably good friends with the other people who work there. Throw a party, ensure you task somebody there with inviting her. Or that is what I would do because I am crazy shy, so I mean, you could just invite some of the people from that restaurant and invite her yourself, or maybe even just invite her yourself!
I thought I would add that my earlier dramas have reached a point where it may not be an issue since I went out to my local club for the first time in probably years without the friend who is making me have confused thoughts and had some cute girls hitting on me all night. This is not something that I am used to, but can probably adapt.
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hey relationship advice thread, what are some subtle ways to find out whether or not someone is single? asking "yo you single?" is pretty much all i got right now and i really don't want to make an ass out of myself in front of someone i then have to keep working with.
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Honestly it depends on him a lot too. A sensible person would be flattered if you asked them out and they had to turn you down, but unfortunately an idiot could respond to the exact same question with a wave of awkwardness.
Personally I would say either just generally chat him up and be interested in him and he'll spontaneously tell you what you are wondering, or just ask him out and hope he isn't an idiot. Just, y'know, ask something like "hey you got plans friday night?" and not "I want your sex give it to me now."
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hey relationship advice thread, what are some subtle ways to find out whether or not someone is single? asking "yo you single?" is pretty much all i got right now and i really don't want to make an ass out of myself in front of someone i then have to keep working with.
Find something about him that you can talk about like tattoos or piercings or something and say that you like them, depending on his reaction, you can lead into "oh doesn't your girlfriend like your tattoos?" or something similar.
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Yes, assume that the guy has a gf, that'll flatter him into the clouds and beyond.
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Not really relationship advice but
...How are you supposed to casually find out someone sexual orientation in an assumed majorly heterosexual environment, such as a pub, or a nightclub?
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What is their gender?
For that matter, what is your gender?
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Buy them a drink and wink at them and see if flirting happens.
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I'm male.
Y'see, I didn't want to buy them a drink and wink at them and see if flirting happens, in case they -are- heterosexual and therefore offended by this.
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Buy them a drink and wink at them and see if flirting happens.
That doesn't work for all people. You see, if I buy someone a drink and wink at them, slapping happens in all cases. I think my winking technique is poor.
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You must be sending some REALLY bad signals dude. Like it would take something super sleazy and/or offensive for me to slap a dude who winked at me. That or you're winking at aliens in lady suits and on their planet winking is the ultimate insult.
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Oh shit. I think it's the second.
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I don't think you get my point here.
I wasn't talking about females.
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I got your point. I just didn't have any advice for you, so I decided to make a joke instead. Sorry.
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From my experience, at least in this city (dunno about yours), the GLBT crowd tends to stick to gay bars. Straight people will also go to these bars, but not so much the other way around. Especially if they want to meet people. (Unless it's Guerilla Queer Bar, but that's something else.) I have no idea how to go about casually asking people their sexuality. I always go with my gut feeling or wait for them to say something that proves otherwise. Sorry for not having anything more useful.
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Oh, ok. Fair enough. :|
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Yeah I have no idea what the best approach would be for you, sorry. What I told tania, that there's only so much you can control because different people will react very differently to the exact same question, is unfortunately even more dire for you.
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There's a lot of gay men out there who tend to go with the stereotype gay look, especially the young ones, so you should at least be able to tell for someone. But gay bars is probably the easiest choice, if there are any.
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wait, bbq, aren't you the one who had your girlfriend break up with you recently? How old are you?
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Ohh, I wasn't asking for me. Just something me and a ladyfriend were wondering about. :)
I'm 16.
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Hey Relationship Thread,
I'm back in school, which means it's time for poor decisions to be made. I was wondering, how does one go about procurring a one night stand. I've never been inclined to have one until now, and I'm just confused by the whole thing.
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015539678312
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Find drunk-off-their-ass people and fuck them while their judgement is severely impaired.
It's remarkably easy, but it does leave you with a scathing feeling of self-loathing if you're a decent human being.
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What's life without a little self-loathing?
Long distance, Emilio? There's probably some drunk college boys outside I could prey on. There for sure will be tomorrow (I think my soul just threw up in its metaphysical mouth).
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Find drunk-off-their-ass people and fuck them while their judgement is severely impaired.
It's remarkably easy, but it does leave you with a scathing feeling of self-loathing if you're a decent human being.
Sometimes, it can work with no impaired judgement. This is rare, an only happens for certain people.
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So how does somebody go about making conversation with a bunch of people you've never met before with no frame of reference for what they're talking about?
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Ask them questions about themselves. Not too personal, clearly, but people love to talk about themselves. Bonus, you get to find out if they are awesome or not by finding out things about them.
p.s. So, I spent most of last night trying to find a way for this girl I really like to get her boyfriend to propose to her. Awesome time to be had by all!
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bbq, there is a thing called "gaydar", it works for me.
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the gays:
If you are looking to pick up, go to a gay bar. Then you can be reasonably certain that the people there are gay.
If you are not trying to pick up, then it shouldn't matter if the person you are meeting is gay or not. Either they are gay and maybe you will do something later or they are not gay and they might be a friend or whatever. I have bought drinks for people before just because I have met them and they seem OK and I had a twenty in my pocket.
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Dude, I think I have bought more people drinks for that reason than trying to flirt with people. Also, it usually doesn't matter that much in a normal bar. I have had awesome conversations with people both before and after I found out that they were gay, or if I never found out that they were gay. The only reason I could think if it mattered is if you're curious, which isn't that good a reason.
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bbq, there is a thing called "gaydar", it works for me.
every time i go out with my gay friends i set off everybody's gaydar, all the time, and women consistently check me out or chat me up and it eventually is followed by some kind of come on to which i inevitably have to respond with "oh uh, sorry, i'm not gay, i'm very flattered though" and then maybe we laugh a bit and from there we either keep talking or if she really wants to get laid she then leaves to go talk to some other women.
i guess my point is that a lot of the time gay people find other people simply by trial and error and it's often not as scary as might seem because if their gaydar fails, depending on where they are and the circumstances there's often still a pretty good chance that whoever they mistook for gay is going to be open minded enough to not really be all that offended anyway.
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...you're not gay?
:-o
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Just a few minutes ago, I took a walk around town, and passed by a really cute girl and her dog. Naturally, the dog greeted me, and I reciprocated with a scratch behind the ears. But did I talk to this cute girl? Did I try and make small talk? Ask for her number? No, of course not. Do you know why? Because I am a dumb fuck, that's why.
Fuck my dumb stupid brain.
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Hey relationship, what would you say to a person who was engaged to another person and then that first person posted their number on the internet when someone asked how to procur a one-night-stand? What would your advice be to their fiancee, HMM? HMM?
Note: this may or may not be a joke (you'll never know...)(you probably already do)
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Fuck my dumb stupid brain.
Don't sweat it, she probably has caveman breath or has really bad table manners or something.
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I dunno, sounds to me like he threw away his one shot at true happiness.
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She had a dog and was attractive. Clearly, she was the perfect woman.
I've done exactly the same before, except the girl actually tried to talk to me, and I wasn't that communicative except with the dog. I'm convinced that meeting is why I'm not married yet, because she truly must have been the one.
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Maybe the dog was the one. Seemed like you got on better.
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okay, so you are a boy. you are a boy who meets a girl. after you meet this girl, your friend asks you if you think she's hot and you respond "fuck yea!"
when you are within the general vicinity of the girl, you always find some excuse to get closer to her and strike up conversation. you usually spend this time teasing her, or promising her that you'll let her know when cool parties and shows are coming up.
you keep your word and occassionally text her letting her know about dance parties and rock shows. sometimes she texts you to let you know about cool bands that are coming into town. somehow between the two of you flaking out, you never actually manage to end up in the same place at the same time.
time passes and the next time you don't show up to her invitation, she jokingly tells you that one of these days you should actually end up hanging out. you agree. you arrange an activity - she will meet you at your house for a movie you had suggested you watch together. you tell her you'll meet up next time you both have a day off, but you never actually text her like you said you would.
a week passes. she texts you casually inviting you along to grab a bite to eat. you don't answer.
another week passes. you have a lengthy conversation, bonding over crazy parents and figuring out what to do with your life. the next day she texts you: "hey remember that movie we were supposed to watch? invite me over sometime, i still need to see it!" again, you do not reply.
you are probably too busy to reply because you are too busy hanging out with your friend who is busy complaining to you about her awful boyfriend. you have developed feelings for her and you hope that eventually she will dump her boyfriend and be with you. so in the meantime you neglect your plans with the girl (who maybe you never really actually liked that way anyways) because it would just get in the way of pursuing your silly friend.
so. boys. could you do me a favor? could you explain to me what the fuck is going on? why don't you ever make any sense??
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he's a drag.
aim higher.
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He's just not that into you.
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I have pretty much that entire situation the same, but I am the boy trying to make plans with the girl. Sometimes she texts me first to chat, sometimes I text her. It has been like 2 weeks and we haven't hung out at all since meeting that first night while dancing even though we have quite a bit in common.
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He's just not that into you.
does not compute. everybody should be totally into me because i'm fantastic.
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Not really Mai.
Okay maybe a little.
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Hey relationship, what would you say to a person who was engaged to another person and then that first person posted their number on the internet when someone asked how to procur a one-night-stand? What would your advice be to their fiancee, HMM? HMM?
Note: this may or may not be a joke (you'll never know...)(you probably already do)
This is straight out of Melrose Place
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well okay maybe i was joking. sort of. everybody should be totally into me even though i'm not actually fantastic.
seriously though, it's pretty obvious this is a case of 'he's just not that into you'. what i am confused about is the actions leading up to the present. why the initial eager interest in hanging out that then suddenly fades into total disinterest once the actual opportunity for concrete plans arises? i'm asking because this isn't the first time i've experienced this, and i'm not the only girl i know it's happened to.
i'm sure there are people here that have been guilty of this behavior in the past that can give their own explanations. and maybe there isn't any easy explanation at all. maybe you just have been so busy moving and repairing your car that broke down that you don't have time to make plans and you can't even text because your phone is broken.
but on the other hand i'm wondering if there is some common vein of reasoning behind this behavior, and if so if it's a reflection on the "boy" or the "girl". is it because the game of cat and mouse is fun but once the mouse is caught it becomes boring and it's then time to find a new one? is it because you have a short attention span and if the person you're interested in doesn't immediately reciprocate, you soon will find another to replace them? is it because it takes you a little while to realize a person has a funny smell about them, and then once you do you decide to call it quits?
or am i just thinking way too hard about this and it's just total coincidence that my friends and i know really flakey people?
i'm genuinely curious!
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I am curious, too. I am the king of getting someone's number, having an awesome conversation with them on the phone, then having that person never answer another one of my phone calls. Maybe I'm not the king, but this always seems to happen to me.
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Going from the 'not that into you' angle, maybe it is just x person thinks y person would be cool to hang out with / get to know better then just becomes pre-occupied with other things / people?
I mean, I am pretty terrible at keeping plans together and returning messages just because I get distracted easy or simply forget to reply / make arrangements when I finish up whatever I was doing at the time, unless it is certain very specific people who are trying to make the plans in the first place.
It could be a case of the pursuit being more attractive than the catch, I guess. I don't know, I've never really been in the situation where I shrugged off my interest in somebody. I guess I've had friends where either I was sending the wrong signals or they were reading too far into my actions and it may seem like I was playing this game with them, when in actuality it is just a case of I got talking to them, they were fun to hang out with at that particular time, I thought it'd be a cool idea to hang out some more but then a whole bunch of other 'more important' things came along and I generally just forgot to keep the other person informed.
I think it is maybe just a human thing where the thing you don't have - so to speak - is more desireable than the thing you do. A natural desire to get more or whatever. The shiny new toy is almost always seen as better than the used old one, even if they're pretty much the same.
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So, you think by the time you get to the "let's hang out together" stage, the chase is done? That certainly explains a lot, though I completely don't share that view.
Though, on your other point, that does seem to make a lot of sense.
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Why do I chase boys who get bored of me? Why do I get jealous? Why do I play "the friend"?
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very often people are just cowards who don't have the guts to say they aren't interested and instead play their own little game where they decide you do and don't exist only when it's most convenient for them. there's not a lot you can do except remember that you're awesome and it's him, not you. forget him and find a guy who's actually aware that other people besides himself have feelings too.
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I really wish people would quit implying that self-absorbed people are cowardly. It's really not cowardice. We just don't care. There is a difference.
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I am curious, too. I am the king of getting someone's number, having an awesome conversation with them on the phone, then having that person never answer another one of my phone calls. Maybe I'm not the king, but this always seems to happen to me.
This happened to me a couple times a long time ago. In one memorable case I think because she was still kinda with her boyfriend back home so after we had an awesome phone conversation she chickened out. I don't really hold it against any of those girls though because I'm pretty sure I've pulled that kinda shit on other people. Even now sometimes I'm still a thoughtless dick to people who are just trying to flirt a little bit; the other day at the grocery store I realized after the fact that the cashier was trying to start a conversation and I felt bad for making her feel awkward.
I guess my point here is to back up what tania said, that when someone you are interested in sends very mixed signals it's probably not because they are deliberately fucking with you but because people tend to be self-absorbed and only concerned about themselves.
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I guess my point here is to back up what tania said, that when someone you are interested in sends very mixed signals it's probably not because they are deliberately fucking with you but because people tend to be self-absorbed and only concerned about themselves.
This. Don't get too bent out of shape over it and try not to ever let it make you feel bitter or anything. This guy may be a perfectly nice person in other situations (or he might not, but that's kind of immaterial). Either he's a jerk or he just has his head up his butt right now because he's fixated on some other girl and his own issues. Sometimes he pulls his head out long enough to notice you, but that doesn't mean he won't go right back to his usual routine. People do this sometimes and there's really nothing to do but move on and recognize that we're silly creatures.
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or he could be like me, if i don't feel like hanging out or i don't have anything to respond to, i just won't answer. i used to not have unlimited texts so not i still have the mentality of if it's not urgent or whatever i just won't respond since it's a waste of 15 cents or whatever. it's not like purposely ignoring, it's the fact that i think i get a bunch of mass text 'wut r u doing?" texts or "hey party at this person's place!" or "hey, there's a thing going on at this place" and if i don't want to go out, i just won't bother writing back. it'd feel more asshole-like to be just like "no. i don't feel like it." and then sometimes i genuinely would like to hang out with someone but every time they text me i'm in a stay at home mood or have other plans... it's one of those "awesome! yeah, we should totally hang out! it'd be fun, just give me a shout sometime" nonspecific things
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It's a complicated situation which we all tend to see from whichever position we have most recently occupied. We tend to subconsciously bias our explanations even if we aren't completely aware of it. It basically comes down to uncertainty and ordinary social etiquette. There's really nothing particularly malicious about it from either standpoint.
First - Uncertainty. It's actually really hard to know when someone is genuinely hitting on you (or whatever it is you are doing to show an interest) and the fear of being wrong tends to make people play their cards very close to their chest as a result. There's really nothing abnormal about being apprehensive about potential embarrassment. That happens to borderline everyone I should imagine. What you think is really obvious flirting is probably still quite subtle.
Second - Etiquette. If they aren't particularly interested in you, it's remarkably difficult to say it in a completely inoffensive way. Especially if they don't even really know if you are making a play for their attention in the first place. The average person will avoid awkward confrontation like the plague. Telling somebody that you aren't interested or attracted to them is a really difficult and potentially horrible scenario and it's not unnatural to want to avoid it at all costs. Especially if the easier option is there and you don't regularly encounter the other person.
The other thing to remember is that another person doesn't actually know what you think and more importantly perhaps you don't actually know what they are thinking. Maybe they are just really oblivious and naive. Maybe they legitimately have a lot of things going on in their life which takes precedent. Personally I have virtually no leisure time at all and I have the hardest time making and keeping appointments and arrangements or sustaining any kind of normal relationship because of this. When I tell people that or drop friendly hints to that effect, they seem to ignore it because people tend to idealise what they hear to suit their best case scenario. There's so many variables when you consider how much can occupy someone's life. Work, family, education, hobbies - hell, just travelling from A to B, sleeping and doing laundry. Prioritising is a big part of being an adult and that which is not strictly necessary gets pushed to the back of the queue.
Specific to MaiAda's particular problem - There's a lot of people out there who like specific types of people and you shouldn't be offended if you don't fall into their criteria. Especially when it comes to men because their criteria is usually ridiculous. For example - I don't particularly like being in relationships on a local basis but I do sporadically get the urge to have sex. Thus, if I'm looking for a girl, I can usually tell with a good degree of accuracy whether or not she's going to sleep with me on a short term basis. If not, I'm probably going to deflect her because there's always a bunch of girls out there who are looking for the same thing that I'm looking for. Sometimes it's okay to want no strings sex, that's not at all specific to men. If you get rejected or ignored on that basis, is that really a bad thing? All it means is you're not the right person for one specific agenda at that particular time. Not the end of the world.
That or you're just a bit too fat.
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Okay, so Tommy gives pretty great advice. Telling someone you aren't interested in them is really really hard for a lot of people. I've been in that situation three times since I broke up with my ex and for each one of those I was able to say that I was kind of seeing someone. One of those I bought up casually in conversation (to get rid of a friend I made the mistake of having a one night stand with), another one blatantly told me that he was "pretty interested" in me and that I seemed fairly not interested in him. The third actually asked me straight out how my current love life was and I mentioned I was seeing someone. I just couldn't bring myself to tell any of them that I wasn't actually interested a whole deal because each of them are all decent guys and are quite lovely, yet I didn't want to upset them or seem like a horrible person and just took the easy way out kind of?
Anyway, relationship advice is something I need.
So, I'm kind of sort of seeing someone. We used to work together, got chatting again after I broke up with my ex, chatting turned into flirting and flirting turned into us making out. We talked about it all before we got too into it and basically agreed that it was entirely no-strings-attached as I'd just broken up with my ex and didn't particularly want to jump straight into another relationship after a few long term ones over the past few years.
After a few weeks I pretty much told him that I did like him and didn't want to make things weird. We talked about actually dating and seeing how things went and whatever, but not particularly telling everyone we knew that we were A Couple. This was great! We both seemed to be happy with this option. The next time I see him (later on that week I think), he tells me that he doesn't want to do the Serious Relationship thing, doesn't want to make things weird and can we keep things as they are? I am a touch disappointed but was all "this is okay, I mean, I'm coming from long term relationship after long term relationship, keeping things as they are is good with me, and besides, it's not like either of us are out looking for anyone else right now" he agreed and we just left it at that.
So, fast forward to now, which is about three months since this started. We talk pretty much every day, he'll send me random texts if we haven't talked in a while to tell me about his day, see how my day was. He's constantly seeing what I'm up to that night and wanting me to come over etc. We hang out every Friday which basically involves watching him play indoor soccer (he plays with his brother and friends, so I sit with their gf's and chat), then we all grab dinner, then we watch a movie and sexytimes ensue). He never wants me to go home and I basically end up getting home at ridiculous hours.
I've had dinner with his Mum and family a couple of times and we get along well. He's cuddly and affectionate with me in front of family and his mum has referred to me, to him, as "your girl".
Basically, the way I see the whole thing is as a 'pseudo-relationship' I guess. I mean, we talk pretty much every day, we get along really well (more so lately, things are starting to feel more relaxed/different/better) and neither of us are with anyone else (that I know of).
It all sounds kind of wonderful and fantastic, because it's the relationship you're having when you aren't having one - all the great bits without the drama almost. Except, I kind of think I might kind of maybe love him? And I can't really tell him that because he didn't want to do the Serious Relationship, but it feels like that's what it is anyway, but I don't want to Ruin Everything Forever.
I dunno, I guess I kind of just want to figure out whether or not he's actually in this for ME or whether he's in it until something else comes along. I don't think it's the second option, he really really doesn't seem like that kind of guy, but things people have mentioned in regards to this kind of situation make me doubt things and all.
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I just couldn't bring myself to tell any of them that I wasn't actually interested a whole deal because each of them are all decent guys and are quite lovely, yet I didn't want to upset them or seem like a horrible person and just took the easy way out kind of?
you still gave them a response, though, which is a huge step up imo from the easiest way out, that of completely avoiding any kind of response altogether.
re: maiada's situation - wanting to avoid confrontation is a natural response, actually making the physical effort to avoid it at all times isn't. part of being a mature adult who has relationships with other people is knowing when to stop avoiding problems and be considerate toward others, even if it sucks and involves having to go through the effort of providing an explanation and feeling guilty and all that fun stuff. the guy probably isn't just an oblivious space case since the only time he seems to conveniently forget to respond to text messages is when they involve the subject of arranging a date to hang out. excluding instances of being busy/being oblivious/etc and counting only those where a person deliberately and repeatedly avoids confrontation when it involves the feelings of other people, i think it's a pretty self-centered dick move nearly any way you look at it.
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guys i know i probably sound really melodramatic and sad, but it's mostly exaggeration for humorous effect (which i apparently failed at). i haven't actually been rejected. i think you have to actually ask someone out and clarify your feelings for them before that can happen?
what has happened is this: first, he casually asks me "out" for hang outs repeatedly, and is the one to suggest establishing concrete plans. i accept and agree with this idea. he then suddenly goes from initiator to totally unresponsive. (does this technically mean that he totally rejected himself?)
this is sort of weird right? let's put aside any romantic notions whatsoever. why would you seemingly really want to be friends with someone and then suddenly stop caring at all?
that was a rhetorical question, because you've all pretty much given your answers and thank you for that. reading your responses was interesting. however, i don't actually need a pep talk because even though i may insist that 'my heart is broken because the man i am totally in love doesn't love me back and that's sooo not fair', i actually don't mean it. thanks for the advice anyways.
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Guys help I think I am in love with a piece of furniture.
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I'm going to assume you mean you're in love with furniture the same way Mai is in love with with shoes or I'm in love with the Roland TB-303, not that you're actually an objectum sexual.
Because that would be odd.
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John, why you gotta hate on those that are different from you?
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If you try and be more like a piece of furniture then it might begin to have feelings for you. Then tell it how you feel. If you get no response then it obviously hates you and you should kill yourself.
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do I emit a pheromone that girls find attractive, while I have a girlfriend?
Because when i'm single it seems like girls dont' naturally flock around me like they do when I am with someone.
or is it the gas I get from eating buffolo wings?
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It's probably that having a girlfriend tends to alert other girls that you're probably an ok kind of guy. Evidently this means that without that added lure girls tend to think you're a jerk.
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you're probably right. I almost wonder if guys/girls with a significant other also tend to carry themselfs more confidently which is attractive to the opposite(same?) sex.
It's just one of those things that always bugged me.
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From what I've read and remember from my psychology degrees it's partly the confidence, partly the way you interact (they know you have a girlfriend so you're being friendly because you're nice, not because you want to fuck) and partly that it's an advertisement that you're not a total cockbiscuit. The ones who are just flirty are doing it because they can flirt and it doesn't matter because you're taken, other's who have a motive of stealing you away from your significant other fail to realise that if you're willing to cheat with them then you'd probably be willing to cheat on them.
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edit: nevermind, i'm not sure, however i'm quite positive what I just typed previously made no sense....
p.s. i'm extremely tired from having no sleep :-o
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New boy story
Hahahahah
hahahahah
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ok the reason I laugh is that I am in a pertty much identical situation. except that we're both kind of in the 'I'm not sure if we want to make it more serious'
that and I kind of repeatedly talk about other girls
Edit: I thought I better post something before someone came along and thought I was just being an arse by laughing.
so to continue, theres really not a lot of advice that can be given to you for this situation. is he at least consistent with his messages. one of the hardest things we have both found is our accidental tendancies to give mixed messages. If he does too then mention it, it tends to lead to fairly un awkward converstions about it.
I figure I should be able to talk more about this, but am feeling particularly ineloquent right now.
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what has happened is this: first, he casually asks me "out" for hang outs repeatedly, and is the one to suggest establishing concrete plans. i accept and agree with this idea. he then suddenly goes from initiator to totally unresponsive.
This. This is really annoying.
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I speculate that you don't have a problem. If a dude lets you meet his family, he's probably pretty interested.
I suspect that if you keep playing it casual it's going to naturally become not casual soon enough.
To be fair, his housemates are his brother and his brother's girlfriend. His mum lives in a flat that is kind of attached to their house but separate. Although I suppose he never had to INVITE me to dinner.
ok the reason I laugh is that I am in a pertty much identical situation. except that we're both kind of in the 'I'm not sure if we want to make it more serious' that and I kind of repeatedly talk about other girls. so to continue, theres really not a lot of advice that can be given to you for this situation. is he at least consistent with his messages. one of the hardest things we have both found is our accidental tendancies to give mixed messages. If he does too then mention it, it tends to lead to fairly un awkward converstions about it.
See, I guess I can kind of see myself dating this guy long term. We get along really well, we used to work together, so I know what he's like around other people etc. We can actually TALK to each other and I can say absurdly geeky things and instead of him thinking I'm weird or crazy, he actually appreciates it and continues the joke with me. I also trusted him instantly around me. Normally, with most people I have a huge personal space bubble thing going on. Even with the last few guys I've dated, they couldn't even get near me sometimes without me freaking out (i.e. if they tried to kiss my neck or if they snuck up behind me and hugged me) - this doesn't happen with this guy and it surprised me, because this NEVER HAPPENS. I am huge on my personal space and if someone invades it they damn well know it, but that didn't happen at all here.
The whole thing is kind of great, except for the fact that it's not... solid. It doesn't seem like a definite to me. He could meet some amazingly wonderful girl tomorrow and ignore me entirely and because things aren't official, then he could do so freely.
One of my friends asked me the other day (actually, one of the guys who has shown interest in dating me, who asked me how my love life was going), whether I would be upset if he started dating someone else. I sat there for five minutes debating whether the 'yes' I'd instantly typed out and not sent was the right answer or not. Yes, I would upset. I would be pretty damn devastated if he did. I just don't know whether I can tell him that without fucking things up. Because things ARE great. But this is not how things usually go with me, I hate not knowing.
So I mean, I don't know. I can't remember how long it's been since we had the last talk, my guess would be about a month and a half? I just do not want to fuck it over by being all "yes you're amazing and I'm pretty damn sure I love you and why the ever loving fuck aren't we dating official like yet?!", because that might just freak him out a little?
(And yeah, this is all kind of a bit ranty but it kind of helps to blurt it all out because it's clearly not something I feel comfortable telling HIM right now.
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do I emit a pheromone that girls find attractive, while I have a girlfriend?
Because when i'm single it seems like girls dont' naturally flock around me like they do when I am with someone.
Man I know how you feel. Guys never really flirted with me until things started up with my current boy, then all of the sudden there were a bunch of boys coming after me, and this was even before the boy and I made if official, so really nobody knew about it. It's ridiculous!
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do I emit a pheromone that girls find attractive, while I have a girlfriend?
My friends and I discussed this at length in high school. We settled on the fact that, if the other girls don't know about your girlfriend, then it's because you're not trying to get with them and that almost always seems to make girls want you more. Also, at least when you've just started a relationship, you tend to be a lot happier, and everybody wants a piece of that happiness. As for when the girls know about it the relationship, I think that subject has been covered quite well.
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I think it's also that at the start of a relationship you tend to be pretty happy, and that's an attractive trait. Maybe there's some kind of biological response to regular kissing that means your body produces baby-having hormones? Which then increase your biological attractiveness to others? I don't know enough about biology but that sounds like a possiblity.
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That sort of thing can also happen when you become comfortable and happy with being single. The confidence and happiness, I mean.
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This is straight out of Melrose Place
Series Premiere tonight at 9/8c only on The CW- TV to Talk About.
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That sort of thing can also happen when you become comfortable and happy with being single. The confidence and happiness, I mean.
This is exactly why everyone says, "You'll find someone when you stop looking." It's not just something to shut you (me) up, it actually works.
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One of my friends asked me the other day (actually, one of the guys who has shown interest in dating me, who asked me how my love life was going), whether I would be upset if he started dating someone else. I sat there for five minutes debating whether the 'yes' I'd instantly typed out and not sent was the right answer or not. Yes, I would upset. I would be pretty damn devastated if he did. I just don't know whether I can tell him that without fucking things up. Because things ARE great. But this is not how things usually go with me, I hate not knowing.
What yo should do is go on a date with this other guy and see how your boy responds.
That's actually really shitty advice but seriously you should do that.
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Uhm, I have kind of done that already, but it was ages ago. Like after only about two weeks of being with pseudo-relationship boy. I'd asked him whether or not he'd be okay with me dating other people and he said yes, but as I said, that was about two and a half-ish months ago and he doesn't really KNOW that it was a date? And besides, I ended up going to straight to his place afterwards to hang out with him anyway.
There was also a terrible mistake of a one night stand thrown in there just before the first talk we had (so a month or two ago?), which was what made me realise that yes, I actually like this guy quite a lot and holy shit did I ever feel guilty. He doesn't know about that though. I mean, if he asks I'll tell him, but we were official like and we never agreed that anything was exclusive either.
So uhm, I don't really want to do either of those things again to see how he would react because a) it would be kind of mean because it would feel like I was leading someone on who I have no intention of actually dating and b) I would feel all sorts of guilty about it.
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I'm going to assume you mean you're in love with furniture the same way Mai is in love with with shoes or I'm in love with the Roland TB-303, not that you're actually an objectum sexual.
Because that would be odd.
It's my couch, man. He get's me.
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Well, your couch certainly is supportive and a good listener, but I don't think it'll end well. He's just so emotionally cold.
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He get is you?
That's one fucked up couch, dude.
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(http://episteme.arstechnica.com/eve/forums/a/ga/ul/640001590041/inlineimg/Y/grammar_nazi.jpg)
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Well, your couch certainly is supportive and a good listener, but I don't think it'll end well. He's just so emotionally cold.
But he's a great lover.
Also I'm sorry about that apostrophe. What was I thinking?
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You just need to get some scented candles and rose petals to set the mood.
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Jmrz, going from that last post, I'd reccomend you have A Talk with him soon. Now, I don't know how well this reflects your situation, but I'm going to tell you A Story.
I was seeing this girl unofficially for six months, under similiar circumstances. We didn't really define whether or not it was a monagamous thing, although we saw each other like three times a week, for six months, and the girl made it clear that she wanted this to be an official boyfriend/girlfriend thing, so I kind of assumed it was. After six months of this we ended up making it official. About a year into our relationship I find out, one at a time, about four other boys she had been sleeping with at the same time as me. Ended up being a major factor in us eventually breaking up.
Of course our situations and relationships are not the same, but experiance has taught me that under circumstances like these, it's better to just be clear about things like that.
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I'm in love with the Roland TB-303
homewrecker
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Relationship Advice 101:
Lesson 1:
Never, ever, ever, ever assume anything.
Golem, I feel* that is was unfair of you to factor in what your girlfriend did before you guys were official into your relationship at the time. You guys weren't dating, and you had no "claim to her" as they say. Sure you were courting, canoodling, fucking around, what have you, but its unfair to assume that just because you want someone to be exclusive with you that they are going to be.
Jmrz, if he is not ready for a Serious Relationship right now, I don't think it'd be too horribly unfair for you to request that he not do what he is doing with you with anyone else. If you are comfortable with what you guys are doing, I wouldn't worry too much about the future. But you say you'd like to see him long term? Well, basically, you are going to have to talk to him. You're going to have to let him know how you feel about things. Find out why he is opposed to a serious relationship first, though.
Keep in mind that a lot of people get scared off when you keep bringing up "when are we gonna take things to the next level???" Maybe he just isn't ready for commitment. I'm not saying to super freak out about this, but just be prepared for negative reactions.
Or maybe he will be super relieved and say "I was waiting for you to say something! As soon as I said I wasn't ready for a serious relationship I realized I was! But felt silly and needy bringing it up again.
*"feel" - as in, this is my opinion.
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Golem, I feel* that is was unfair of you to factor in what your girlfriend did before you guys were official into your relationship at the time. You guys weren't dating, and you had no "claim to her" as they say. Sure you were courting, canoodling, fucking around, what have you, but its unfair to assume that just because you want someone to be exclusive with you that they are going to be.
Not really gonna argue, but not everything we feel or do is entirely logical. Maybe it was more the being lied to about it several times and finding out the truth somewhere else? Anyways, I really would rather just have a talk than have something like that possibly weaken a potential future relationship again. I do think you made a good point about maybe having a "I would like this to be an exclusive thing" talk before/instead of the "Lets be Super Serious" talk.
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Here we go. The epic battle of twisted meanings.
I'm saying, don't assume that someone you are courting/hanging out with/hanging on/hitting on/causually seeing/etc is exclusively seeing you. Its unfair to the other person.
When you are in a serious relationship, its fine to assume said partner is not sleeping with someone else, unless otherwise noted.
Early on, assumptions are bad. Later on, assumptions based in trust and knowledge are ok.
And Golem, I'm not saying I'm right and your wrong, or vice versa. And unless she out right said, "I'm not sleeping with anyone else" she didn't lie. I'm not saying she was right either. She wasn't entirely right, nor entirely wrong, though.
And I'm not saying what you did is bad. If you felt your trust was disobeyed, then what you did was right.
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Also, opinions are neither right or wrong. They are just opinions.
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I know my half-truths from my lies, but yeah, I don't disagree with anything you just said.
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Also, opinions are neither right or wrong. They are just opinions.
I don't know, I can think of a few opinions that are definitely wrong.
Most of my sister's opinions regarding music, for example.
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Holy shit, I found 4445 (http://www.thetwilightforums.com/).
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Not assuming things at the start is not the same as distrust; but actual trust is earned.
Trust gained and then broken, on the other hand, is the relationship killer.
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So, hey guys. I'm starting to realize that I haven't had a date in over a year. I've tried, but it's always ended up being just a friend hanging out with me. I just can't figure out what I'm doing wrong. I don't think I smell particularly bad. I'm not particularly ugly (pictures in pictures thread). It must be my personality, clearly. I get people's phone numbers frequently, but it results in either a "friends" thing (most of the time) or people never taking my calls ever again (this sort of thing has been going on with people that I really like for years now, so that's an entirely different issue). So, I guess I'm wondering why do people start seeing me as a friend? I don't really get it, and it's starting to get annoying.
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So, there's this cute girl in my visual communications class and she sits right next to me. how do i strike up a conversation without it being all awkward?
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"Gee, sure is visual communications in here!"
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strike up a conversation about a book she is reading or a t-shirt she is wearing or something along those lines, but make sure in advance that you have at least 2-3 minutes worth of material to discuss in relation to that to avoid the following awkward exchange (which i am sure many people have participated in at some point or another) -
you: "hey is that a broken social scene t-shirt?"
other person: "yeah it is, i got it when i went to a show last year"
you: "oh. that's... um... that's cool."
other person: "..."
you: "uh... yeah."
if you can talk about it for a few minutes, when you finally do run out of things to say and have to transition for a different topic of discussion it'll be cool cos at that point you have a sort of friendly rapport and who cares what you're actually talking about anymore.
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"Gee, sure is visual communications in here!"
Better, "The communications in this class sure are visual, am I right?"
Tania's got it right, though. Anything can really be a topic of discussion. Just try to make it a little more tailored to her than a simple, "Wow, that clock is sure round." If she doesn't relate to what you're saying, you've lost. So make sure she relates to what you're saying by making the conversation about something she clearly enjoys!
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what this guy said... and adding. If you can start the talking then introduce yourself, they'll usually do the same. You need to keep things simple, but open minded.
*
You: Hey you get homework for class done?
Her: Yeah, you?
You: yeah, but I had trouble with this <problem>
Her: oh you just <blah blah blah>
You: howd you figure that.
her: <blah blah blah>
You: oh btw I'm <yourname>
Her: Oh i'm <hotchickname>
you: Nice to meet you, what do you think of school this year
Her: <blah blah school>
point is, try to get her to open up. You need to listen and actually pay attention. Always be yourself and if her personality is right(for your) you two will hit it off easily.
*You don't have to do a conversation like that just and example of one way to start the talk.
BB, sometimes being a really good people person gets you stuck in the friend zone. You may find yourself really comfortable talking and being a really good talker and listener. In fact so good you feel comfortable there and possibly a little uncomfortable making the choice to further the relationship beyond that. Sometimes you gotta leap and put yourself in an awkward situation that usually doesn't end well, too get into a more than friends relationship.
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And remember, if after talking for a good long while and establishing what seems like a good rapport and you are getting "I'm attracted to you" signals, and then you find out she has a boyfriend, it is probably not a good idea to start quoting Mastodon songs.
Things can get out of hand really quickly that way!
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actually if you find out she has a boyfriend just call her a whore and move on. That'll make you seem kewl and make her feel bad for wasting your time.
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And then she'll punch you in the face! Great advice!
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IMO if you don't get punched you aren't having fun.
i know alot of you don't get my humor so i'll put this in the fine print, I was kidding about this post and the last one, but not the one before that, kthnxbai
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really great advice
I haven't been paying much attention but aren't you supposed to be a douche? Because this is really good advice for how to get a conversation going with someone in class you don't know.
I could've sworn you're supposed to be a douche but I'm probably just remembering wrong.
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Probably because Mister Bainter is also a libertarian. Not to confuse the two, libertarians can be cool people, its just that the points were put forward rather "forcefully" in the discuss threads on the matter.
Just because there are often varying different views on the subject of politics does not a bad person make, most of the time anyway.
Anyway, I was just wondering what everyone is so often keen to be "more than" friends with people? To my mind friendship seems to be a damn sight more fun than the whole rigmarole of "love , happiness, bunnies" that swiftly seems to devolve into "fear, trepedation, angst angstangstangastANGST".
One final point, when I clicked on the twilight forum link and saw bella holding the apple out I sort of imagined her with Barbosa's voice from Pirates of the Caribbean going "Apple?"
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Anyway, I was just wondering what everyone is so often keen to be "more than" friends with people? To my mind friendship seems to be a damn sight more fun than the whole rigmarole of "love , happiness, bunnies" that swiftly seems to devolve into "fear, trepedation, angst angstangstangastANGST".
Sometimes people like other people in ways that friendship can't really satisfy. Don't get me wrong, friendship tends to be really awesome, but sometimes - depending on the person of course - you just gotta have that lovin'.
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sometimes friendship is not enough because if you think somebody is the most specialist and best person in the whole world, who you want to give all your tender love and snuggles to, then this makes you really really want them to feel the same way about you too.
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sometimes you wanna talk, and sometimes you wanna fuck
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Not really. If I just want to fuck, I tend to call a friend.
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sometimes you wanna talk, and sometimes you wanna fuck and then talk afterwards
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Anyway, I was just wondering what everyone is so often keen to be "more than" friends with people? To my mind friendship seems to be a damn sight more fun than the whole rigmarole of "love , happiness, bunnies" that swiftly seems to devolve into "fear, trepedation, angst angstangstangastANGST".
Though this thread suggests otherwise, it's not always like that. Sometimes it's "cinema, dancing, booze and fucking" devolving into "cinema, dancing, booze and fucking but with more drugs".
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Or the most compelling TV ever.
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Chris Tarrant would blatantly try and get in on that action.
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Anyway, I was just wondering what everyone is so often keen to be "more than" friends with people? To my mind friendship seems to be a damn sight more fun than the whole rigmarole of "love , happiness, bunnies" that swiftly seems to devolve into "fear, trepedation, angst angstangstangastANGST".
I'll tell you when I've figured it out. It is completely illogical from a non-biological standpoint, but your body exerts heavy influence on your mind, and your body only works from the biological standpoint.
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Which is why I am desperatly trying to divorce my body from exerting a pull on my mind. Its proving harder than anticipated...
Also I found these two articles/ discussion pieces that discuss "nice guys" and I wondered what you guys thought?
Linkage: http://divalion.livejournal.com/163615.html#cutid1
http://mightygodking.com/index.php/2007/12/16/the-internet-nice-guy-rears-his-ugly-head-once-more/
I am intersted to hear thoughts/shouted oaths.
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Which is why I am desperatly trying to divorce my body from exerting a pull on my mind. Its proving harder than anticipated...
Tell me about it.
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Which is why I am desperatly trying to divorce my body from exerting a pull on my mind. Its proving harder than anticipated...
This is impossible given that they are stuck together with sinews and muscles and nerves and shit. We are not meant to be logical. Follow your heart or some shit.
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Also I found these two articles/ discussion pieces that discuss "nice guys" and I wondered what you guys thought?
First one is pretty damn good, the female perspective is good to know. I'd like to think I'm more of a nice guy and less of a Nice Guy. I've definitely been a Nice Guy in the past though.
Second one is strange. I can't agree with the Nice Guy Rant, but at the same time I don't agree with all the things that the blogger is saying. He rants as much as the Nice Guy does, so his arguments come across rather badly. However, this bit of the Nice Guy Rant: You used him for emotional intimacy without reciprocating, in kind, with physical intimacy.
is scary to read. The Nice Guy seems to feel like he should be paid in sex or something.
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The comments below the second one are... strange, and a little disquieting.
That line about expecting to be paid with sex... yeah that was all sorts of creepy.
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I've become fairly certain that a strong general sense of entitlement is the worst character trait a person can have, and that link doesn't do anything to dissuade me from that opinion.
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I tend to stay away from the comments on articles like this. They tend to consist of lengthy analyses or rants against/with the blog author. I had a cursory glance, and a number do seem rather weird. Mostly women apparently wanting to copulate with the blog author.
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That first article actually kind of hit home for me...I didn't realize it at the time, but I went from nice guy to Nice Guy once that girl had (temporarily) broken up with her boyfriend. I'm a nice guy again, but that article pointed out a lot of behaviors I didn't recognize would put me down the Nice Guy route, which I think I can avoid now. I've felt guilty for a lot of the stuff I did, and it's kind of cathartic seeing it laid out before me like that. So I guess thanks is in order? It just cleared up a lot of stuff I had been thinking about recently.
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Second one is strange. I can't agree with the Nice Guy Rant, but at the same time I don't agree with all the things that the blogger is saying. He rants as much as the Nice Guy does, so his arguments come across rather badly.
I guess the second one was ranting, that's true, but c'mon how can you not love
OH SNAP I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING
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That was a really good part. The massive block capitals paragraph was a bit unreadable though.
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Jens give us an update on Mixtape Girl! I want to know what has been going down over in Norway.
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Maybe she really, really hated the music...
You didn't put any sickly love songs on there by any chance? Or maybe she wanted you to and now thinks you're not interested because you didn't...
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noooooooooo
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I don't get this nice guy thing.
I mean, if I'm being nice to a girl who I like, because I genuinely enjoy being nice to people, will she assume I'm being creepy?
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No, that's just being a regular nice guy. The problem is when you become a Nice Guy and start being nice just because you want sex.
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Oh, I get it now. Stupid moment.
You don't start being nice if you want sex. You start being sexy.
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http://divalion.livejournal.com/163615.html#cutid1
http://mightygodking.com/index.php/2007/12/16/the-internet-nice-guy-rears-his-ugly-head-once-more
i'd like to be the first to say that these articles are shit. utter shit.
i didn't even finish the second one because it gave me such a tremendous headache.
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Maybe she really, really hated the music...
Maybe she doesn't have a tape deck. And really if you think about it, is that the kind of person you want to be involved with? Someone who doesn't own a tape deck. Terrible.
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why are we having the Nice Guy debate again?
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Cos I brought it up again. Sorry.
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That's really not what I meant :-(
OK I give up.
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Cos I brought it up again. Sorry.
to be fair, Josef brought it up before you.
Guys, the Nice Guy debate is never going to make sense or end well because it is a stupid concept. Sooner or later it will end with "Man, assholes always get the girls because women like to be treated like SHIT" or something along those lines.
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And really if you think about it, is that the kind of person you want to be involved with? Someone who doesn't own a tape deck. Terrible.
The answer is "yes." Tape decks are affronts to music and should be obliterated.
About the nice guy argument, I'm an asshole, why can't I get women?
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Because you're a fucking asshole!* Nobody actually likes assholes!**
Also that large capybara has a creepy eye. The little one is cute, though.
*Not really. **This part, however, is actually true.
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Maybe it is the way you smell.
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Hey! I smell like the finest malt liquors.
Nobody actually likes assholes!**
But all those nice guys said... Oh. Oh my. I'm going to have to take this in for a second.
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Oh, I get it now. Stupid moment.
You don't start being nice if you want sex. You start being sexy.
I'm quoting this just because I liked it.
Oh, um, QFT?
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Are you trying to be nice with bbq? Does that mean you want sex with him?
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Zingoleb wants to have sex with everyone these days
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Goddamnit I read that first article and now I am starting to think I am one of these asshole nice guys instead of an actual nice guy just because I have intimacy issues, fuck you guys for bringing this ridiculous idea back into my working consciousness.
I actually have a pretty good story about how I basically cut some dudes grass the other night because he's indecisive and I'm ,an arsehole but I'm not really sure if I'm comfortable just postin' that up here for all to see.
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Is "cut his grass" some sort of sexual euphemism?
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it means steppin' IN when they won't STEP UP yo
It's not specifically sexual really, like if you're a salesperson and you close a sale someone else has been working on all day you have cut that guys grass as well.
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Probably because Mister Bainter is also a libertarian.
I'm not really sure what a libertarian is. I've really only dabbled in politics the last year or so of my life. My views are open to change, but I will fight for the way I see something until someone shows me a better way.
As far as being a douche.
What's your definition? based on this, i'm probably a douche. However, hear me out.
my take on it - My current girlfriend (of a little over 8 months) first thought I was a douche too. It took her a couple weeks of getting to know me before she told me I'm not as much of an asshat that I seem to be. again, everything is perspective and that is probably just hers :roll:
Im a bit abrassive when I want to be, and sometimes my humor conflicts with this as well. *hard to tell when i'm joking. It happens quite often. This is why there is select people here that think or "know" i'm a douche. Make sense? I'm not really that bad a person :angel: Just depends on who you are :wink:
P.s. If I seem less douchie lately it's because i've been so busy with school/work/new baby(long story) that I have really very little energy to keep up with my douchbaggery.
*especially online.
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Zingoleb wants to have sex with everyone these days
With my massive meany, that is.
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it means steppin' IN when they won't STEP UP yo
It's not specifically sexual really, like if you're a salesperson and you close a sale someone else has been working on all day you have cut that guys grass as well.
haha, never heard it put that way. Nice.
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Is "cut his grass" some sort of sexual euphemism?
Mowing their lawn, cutting their lunch, all mean trying to get a piece of somebody elses action.
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Trimming their hedges, however, refers to something else entirely.
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Well I appear to have created controversy, I honestly didn't mean to, I just wanted to try and clear some things up for myself.
I think the main difference between Nice Guys and nice guys (NG and ng from now on as I am not writing the word nice over and over) is that NG's are interested in sex alone, without any sort of emotional attachment to the lady in question. That would be fine if they were honest with themselves about it, instead NG's decide to pretend that they are only interested in whats "best" for the girl and tend to try and pick up the devastatingly attractive "goes out with bad boy" type girl and make her all better.
At least those are my thoughts on it, my personal opinion is although its okay to be nice its better to be good. Also, if you have intamacy issues why not see a therapist? I mean I am not really one to be talking here, but if you have a problem that relates solely to you, surely the onus is on you to fix it? Sorry if that comes across as cruel, but maybe it would be best to try and stop having intamacy issues than moaning about them?
Also I was just wondering Mr War Machine, why did you not like the articles? I know the second one wasn't that good (and a bit irritatint) but I didn't think they were utter shit.
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Dangerous, but sexy!
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Its dangerous, but everyone does it. Besides which, the human race isn't quite as distinct as we like to think, for the most part we all generally fall into the same tropes, even people who are breaking the mold do so in specific ways.
Plus with this sort of thing at least its not arguing as the gospel truth, everyone is going to interpret them in a different way. I'm just trying to look at the positives and hopefully steer clear of the pitfalls.
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True enough. But isn't that a good thing? I would argue that the truth, the real truth, that nothing you will do or ever do will matter to the universe at all is pretty horrifying. Its a lot easier to believe that what you do matters, otherwise why bother doing anything at all?
Anyway, I am starting to sound as if I should be in "discuss" atm, so I will shut up.
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So that's what I've been doing wrong...I knew telling the truth was a bad idea...
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I am only nice to the girls until I can get them back to the RapeVan. I feel that it is poorly named as very little rape has ever happened in or around the van. They usually don't like the sound of RapeVan, but if they would just go to the van they would get cupcakes and brownies and free tshirts.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5j2F4VcBmeo
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you can't handle the truth, unless you're sexy.
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True enough. But isn't that a good thing? I would argue that the truth, the real truth, that nothing you will do or ever do will matter to the universe at all is pretty horrifying. Its a lot easier to believe that what you do matters, otherwise why bother doing anything at all?
Somebody likes nihilism.
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I don't LIKE it, it's just what I have seen, a little bit anyway. Theres no point moaning about things not being "fair" but thats no reason to go off moaning as if its the universes fault.
Also you can still be nice enough and be a nihilist, personally I think that people make their own meanings out of life.
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Meanings that don't matter, anyway.
Seriously, nihilism isn't so bad once you make up your mind not to be a li'l bitch about it.
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I mean, really, what kind of narcissistic personality disorder is the human race afflicted with if we must believe that what we do has an impact on some transcendental scale?
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EVERYTHING I DO CHANGES SOMEONE'S LIFE.
*runs away sobbing
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please you can't even change yoself
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I adjusted myself just now and I'm pretty sure it sundered galaxies.
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EVERYTHING I DO CHANGES SOMEONE'S LIFE.
Everything I do changes at least one person's life. That person is the most important person in the world to me, too, so I guess I lucked out in being really important to such an awesome person.
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The Nice Guy seems to feel like he should be paid in sex or something.
This has actually nothing to do with Nice Guys or regular dudes or whatever. I just wanted to point out that people who believe that actually exist. One was my boyfriend not too long ago. This is a problem and should not be a mentality that people have! It kind of sucks!
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please you can't even change yoself
You're like the mean, discourage older brother. Probably the favorite, too.
< You see little Napoleon over there? That's me right now. Sobbing in a corner with a large hat. Thanks, Joe Hocking!
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To be honest, the napoleon is kind of adorable.
People actually exist who want nice things to be repaid with sex? Oy Vey, this is why I can't do nice things out of the blue for my friends or they think I am hitting on them.
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It beats doing nothing for your friends out of the blue and then having them think you hate them.
Just sayin'.
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Most of the time the truth is such a hammer blow compared to the kind of issues people can deal with that the effect is devastating and the truth becomes a horrible weapon that nobody ever wants to wield.
I was raised, like many children, by parents who indoctrinated me with the dangerous idea that 'honesty is the best policy'. Unfortunately I was a very very literal and obedient child and now as a grown adult whose patterns of behaviour are largely wired into my reflexive memory, this idea has caused me a great deal of trauma and grief.
I mean, really, what kind of narcissistic personality disorder is the human race afflicted with if we must believe that what we do has an impact on some transcendental scale?
Does being human count as a personality disorder or is that specious
Also about people expecting to be paid in sex for being a good human being, I constantly find myself doing that. It sucks, appears to be largely chronic personality disorder, and is one of the more prominent reasons I don't typically try to pursue relationships with women any more and also why I try to convince people I have absolutely no libido.
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I constantly finding myself wishing it was acceptable to conceive a child solely for the purpose of conducting social experiments on them, largely because i've often pondered that very same question that you have just asked. There is no way to tell for certain whether it would be the most well-adjusted child in existence or the least, or possibly it might make absolutely no difference, but finding out which one would give me a lot of information about what the hell we are doing to each other.
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The problem with something like that is the kid would be completely confused by the behaviour of its peers. It would either challenge all the things it's being taught, or react to its parents and become really superstitious and the like.
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That's probably the most interesting (and cruel) part, to be honest.
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I plan to lie to my future children as little as possible. In fact I'm pretty sure the only thing my folks lied to me was the whole God thing and even then I can't really say whether or not I really believed it or whether I was just going along with what I was told. I mean my parents did do the whole Santa thing (well actually we had "angels" that put the presents under the tree) but I don't remember thinking a red-suited fat dude broke into my house to leave presents that were labelled as having come from my dad or aunties or whatever.
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Also about people expecting to be paid in sex for being a good human being, I constantly find myself doing that. It sucks, appears to be largely chronic personality disorder, and is one of the more prominent reasons I don't typically try to pursue relationships with women any more and also why I try to convince people I have absolutely no libido.
I had a conversation with my therapist about how easily I thought I could be brainwashed. It was mostly musing about how if I had been raised in a specific culture, like super-conservative middle-eastern Taliban-esque muslim, or fundamentalist mormon, or nazi Germany, that I thought I could totally see myself being a pushover and getting into all the propaganda and taking everything at face value, basically.
What she told me is that all of that is indeed possible, except there is one thing that cuts the statistical probability in half: my awareness. Intelligence may be conditioned, just like homosexuality might be nurture instead of nature (who knows? who cares!), but awareness is entirely inborn. You can try to teach people to be self-aware or curious about the world around them, but it is not the same as having some concept of consequences, and that capacity to gauge cause and effect is just a part of you. Thus, if I was born into some society where I might be brainwashed, it is possible I would be easily swayed. However, the fact that I was even having this conversation with her indicates that, then again, I might not.
So basically what I am saying is that yeah it is a shitty thing, but you know it is a shitty thing, and you know you do it. And who knows? Maybe you think that is what you do and actually that is just your [mis]perception. Anyway, you are already doing better than the rest of the fuckers out there.
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Sometimes I wonder what a kid would be like who has literally never been lied to. Tell them right off the bat about sex, that there is no Santa, Easter Bunny or indeed, God. Every time they ask a difficult question, answer them as honestly as possible. I've often wondered what kind of child that would produce. It might mess them up more than lying to them about that stuff, I have absolutely no idea. I wonder if anyone's ever tried it.
i think that what matters most to a child's upbringing is the morality that parents teach them, and the love and care they receive. not what commonplace fairy tales they do or don't tell their children. the only way i could see a (western, middle-class) child not being told about 'santa' or 'the easter bunny' impacting them is in a negative way is because, as others said, they would feel confused and left out from their peers.
unless a parent is indoctrinating their kids to believe santa truly exists, then it is not a lie. it is a story and a myth that is enjoyed in childhood and eventually grown out of. parents also read their kids fairy tales of princes and princesses who fight dragons and then live happily ever after. i haven't actually ended up finding prince charming (...yet) but does that make those stories "lies"?
there isn't any need to tell a five year old all the truths about sex. there isn't any need to tell a child the harsh truth of every reality. that is what growing up is for. that's what your learning and experience is for. you start off in the innocence and comfort of childhood and you slowly come to realize the truths of the world as you grow old enough to understand them and strong enough to face them.
i understand what you are trying to say with being as honest as possible with children, rather than indoctrinating them with bullshit or attempting to shield them from every truth. but i really think you are confusing some of the normalcies of childhood innocence, imagination and gullibility for "lies".
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ITT: Tommy wants to tell children all about sex.
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i'm thinking way too much about this but here are some more brief thoughts you can all feel free to skip over
you already have a control group for measuring how people turn out based on whether they are lied to. all children are lied to: some grow up to be horrible, some grow up to be wonderful. it's the types of lies that they are told and their life experiences that truly shape them.
raising a child from infancy who knows nothing but the truth about everything might make an interesting freak show, but i think it would teach us very little about human nature. the only way for the experiment to be carried out is for them to be raised within a society that was entirely truthful about everything. that sounds like something from a storybook or fable, or maybe a utopian (dystopian?) novel.
some wacky hijinks would definitely occur, but i the most i could imagine that shaping someone is to make them particularly honest (mimicking society's behavior) or dishonest (realizing they can take advantage of others who are honest). any other effects would simply be caused by their specific life experiences that would be shaped by the people and culture around them, which in this case would be entirely bizarre and unnatural.
studying children who are raised in households and societies with varying levels of honesty (which is actually doable) could be a fascinating study. but i really doubt that it would reveal any sort of key to understanding human nature.
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the other thing about telling things to children that are not necessarily true is that the brains and thinking patterns of children are nowhere near as complex as adults, and don't get there until the child is in their teens. there are certain principles and ideas that children literally cannot process at all (ideas about morality, for example) until they reach a certain age. so not only can it be argued that "lying" to children doesn't do much permanent damage in the first place as they will simply figure it out as they age and develop the neurons necessary to process more complicated ideas, but it goes the opposite way too where trying to explain complicated life truths to a child would do little good at such a young age since they are physically incapable of making sense of most of them anyway.
there's also probably a massive study that could be done based on the idea of whether or not "lying" to children actually boosts their creativity and therefore intelligence, as it certainly requires more imagination and creativity and intelligence are pretty strongly related. who knows! isn't this thread supposed to be about relationships or something?
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So basically what I am saying is that yeah it is a shitty thing, but you know it is a shitty thing, and you know you do it. And who knows? Maybe you think that is what you do and actually that is just your [mis]perception. Anyway, you are already doing better than the rest of the fuckers out there.
Oh yeah, I'm not particularly neurotic about it or anything and it only really seems to pop up in a relationships nowadays (and it has been so long since I've been in one of those that I don't even know if I do it anymore) so it's not a massive concern for me thankfully.
I plan to lie to my future children as little as possible. In fact I'm pretty sure the only thing my folks lied to me was the whole God thing and even then I can't really say whether or not I really believed it or whether I was just going along with what I was told. I mean my parents did do the whole Santa thing (well actually we had "angels" that put the presents under the tree) but I don't remember thinking a red-suited fat dude broke into my house to leave presents that were labelled as having come from my dad or aunties or whatever.
Yeah my parents were the same. I have no specific memory of actually believing in Santa. They told me he existed but they didn't go to a huge amount of trouble to maintain the illusion so I figured it out pretty quickly
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Children should be encouraged to show imagination, and to learn critical thought; and then, crucially, shown how to decide which is applicable in a given situation.
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edit: fuck you, fuck you and you can stay!
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For some reason the world will not truly exist with man, without this.
Can I flame your poor grammar? Really quite difficult to read.
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but i really doubt that it would reveal any sort of key to understanding human nature.
This is because human nature is really difficult to illustrate. Because outside of biological drives, human nature does not exist.
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For some reason the world will not truly exist with man, without this.
Can I flame your poor grammar? Really quite difficult to read.
man that sets a dangerous precedent because I know i don't want people getting up in my grill just because I parse my clauses like dogshit and maybe care about verb agreement a little more than I care about professional football
but on the other hand I think I had a panic attack trying to read that sentence so you do what you feel is best
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at this point I'm tempted to begin writing all my posts as if they were translated literally from latin, just to spite you all.
(now I am tempted to embark upon writing like having been translated out of latin, in order for all to be spited)
on the other hand, fuck that's way too much work. and his english was pretty hard to understand.
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So the pharmacist at my local place is really really hot. I have a crush on him, I think! I assume he's got a girlfriend or something, but it wouldn't hurt to chat him up, right? The problem is that I only see him once a month when I am in to pick up refills of my crazy drugs.
What is the least awkward way to flirt with someone who is giving you chemicals that keep you sane?
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This is because human nature is really difficult to illustrate. Because outside of biological drives, human nature does not exist.
what about 'the human condition' don't tell me that doesn't exist either
at this point I'm tempted to begin writing all my posts as if they were translated literally from latin, just to spite you all.
(now I am tempted to embark upon writing like having been translated out of latin, in order for all to be spited)
holy shit look at that participle structure
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Depends on what you mean by the human condition. If you mean that we all have fears and are capable of reason but often function irrationally and we want our children to grow up and have a better (better is subjective) life than we did/do, then yes, it does. If you mean that all people are greedy and there are certain activities that are just wrong and we all feel guilty about particular things and we are all just here waiting to find out what comes next, well, then no, it doesn't.
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I swear I have to double check my english essays to make sure i don't have a bunch of awkward having been's and shit like that. whatevr, latin is totally rad.
and calenlass you should either walk in and sing crazy on you or try and find a question to ask him that'll get him to start talking to you. I dunno, something not too out-of-the-blue, maybe try asking if he's going to medical school or something like that.
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Don't ask him if he's going to medical school. That'll just come off as insulting, because he went to pharmacy school instead and was probably made fun of a lot by the med students. Just asking him how it's going while smiling a lot. Seriously, that's all it takes for guys.
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Don't forget being made fun of by the real grad students.
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Since I don't tend to mix with pharmacy school students, but do with med students, I feel the chain of making fun of goes:
real grad students->med students->pharmacy students->???
Shit rolls downhill.
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Yeah, that's pretty much it. The Pharm students won't tell you this, but their education is 6 years of schooling which includes both their BS and PharmD degrees. So while you and I went through 4 years of undergrad and however many years of grad school they are done with everything in 6 god damn years.
Plus they are really fucking stupid.
I make sure to tell them this when I invariably wind up with 1/2 -> 2/3 of a class of them while TAing general micro.
And before you ask, yes, I am incredibly bitter.
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Since I don't tend to mix with pharmacy school students, but do with med students, I feel the chain of making fun of goes:
real grad students->med students->pharmacy students->liberal arts majors, probably
Shit rolls downhill.
Eh?
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Well, I think it would go more accurately:
real grad students->med students->pharmacy students->undergrads
And there's a hierarchy in the undergrads all to their own. The funny thing is, I worked much harder for my music degree than for my physics degree, so...
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Hey ship thread,
Last night the sex was so good that she sent me an email today from work telling me that her dream right before she woke up this morning was about getting up and going into her kitchen and listening to NPR and hearing a report about the local couple who had just had the best sex of all time. I think it is pretty awesome that my partner had a dream that we had made the news. I'm pretty proud of that.
In less self-indulgent matters (OK maybe not really) I managed to do something really amazing over the past few weeks. So the story of the current relationship I'm in started about 5 weeks ago, and was recently interrupted by my venture off to Burning Man. This obviously was an issue for me and the new girl, because we are REALLY happy about each other and have full intentions of staying together for quite some time, but Burning Man is overflowing with sex and it was kind of an abrupt gear shift for me to think that suddenly I'd be going off to the playa and NOT having any sex at all. After I took her to a Burning Man regional event and she got a sense for the kinds of freaks that came out to the desert, and the kind of energy that parties have out there, she expressed the strong desire to NOT be a limiting factor in my Burning Man experience, which we talked about until she basically came out and drove home to me that I had carte blanche as long as I didn't fall in love and come back totally not interested in her anymore (which I felt reasonably secure in promising at the time).
At Burning Man, I met an outstandingly attractive girl who was clearly interested in me, and after I explained my situation to her (and she responded very positively and explained that she didn't want anything even close to a relationship and was only interested in desert-exclusive trysts) we slept together a couple times and then parted ways (I didn't see her for a few days and then managed to say goodbye before she left). It was basically a perfectly example of what my optimal desert encounter would look like: really hot girl has interest in good sex, makes clearly independent decision to engage in it with me, gracefully leaves it at that. I got back to Philly, explained what had happened, and my relationship picked up right where it had left off and has since improved at the same rate that it had been. There was barely the slightest faltering in the trajectory of our relationship and it has since shot back up to the dizzying heights it has been promising since I first met the girl.
What the hell, guys? How am I this lucky?
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Yeah, that's pretty much it. The Pharm students won't tell you this, but their education is 6 years of schooling which includes both their BS and PharmD degrees. So while you and I went through 4 years of undergrad and however many years of grad school they are done with everything in 6 god damn years.
Plus they are really fucking stupid.
I make sure to tell them this when I invariably wind up with 1/2 -> 2/3 of a class of them while TAing general micro.
And before you ask, yes, I am incredibly bitter.
That makes me so mad. They lead you to believe Pharmacy is OMG THE HARDEST THING EVER.
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The only difficult thing about pharm is getting into the program.
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What the hell, guys? How am I this lucky?
You'll have prostate cancer at the age of 23.
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Speaking of which, ain't it kinda rude to come in here and gloat? This is the "relationship, or lack thereof, advice thread" not "brag about how your sex life is better than everyone else's thread." Great sex is its own reward, there should be no need to rub it in the face of exactly those who are not getting laid, let alone laid well. It's kind of a dick move.
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Some people like to kiss and tell.
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That was a pretty big thing in high school I remember
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What the hell, guys? How am I this lucky?
You'll have prostate cancer at the age of 23.
uh I don't think that's how prostate cancer works actually
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That was a pretty big thing in high school I remember
The only thing that would turn me off more to a practice is if someone said it was a pretty big thing in middle school. Maybe frat houses, too.
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Seriously high school sucks almost as bad as middle school
especially locker room bragging
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To be perfectly fair that was a lot more interesting than the philosophical musings that preceded it.
I mean I love you guys but still.
And this is from the guy who's like perpetuating 90% of the ennui on this board.
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What the hell, guys? How am I this lucky?
You'll have prostate cancer at the age of 23.
uh I don't think that's how prostate cancer works actually
Yeah that was pretty much what I was going for. I am a failure at making jokes.
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People meet in the desert to have sex?
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Only trifle.
Please, try to be a little more specific in the future.
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Just popping in to heartily approve of the new thread title.
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Seconded
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Just popping in to heartily approve of the new thread title.
is this that 'irony' the kids are talking about?
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Just popping in to heartily approve of the new thread title.
Thirded
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Just popping in to heartily approve of the new thread title.
is this that 'irony' the kids are talking about?
Seconded
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3PjINWuxbpw
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do you think this is how pointless threads are born
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There used to be a point?
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I am happy with the new title.
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I stopped reading this thread until the title changed.
I think the change is having an undesired effect.
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Just popping in to heartily approve of the new thread title.
is this that 'irony' the kids are talking about?
Seconded
Thirded
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The new title is always sound relationship advice.
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do you think this is how pointless threads are born
slide dog
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Oh no he's stuck in a feedback loop
johnny is this yr way of asking for advice relating to yr unrequited love of slide dog?
Is this a cry for help?
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What is it, slide dog? What? Timmy fell down the old well?
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3PjINWuxbpw
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this used to be the relationship thread?
how bout checking out our wedding website?
http://norbertandstacey.projectwedding.com
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Dear suicide thread,
Nobo's wedding site is possibly the sweetest thing I have ever read and you damn well better read it too!
In other news, I am beginning to think that fate is trying to tell me something: the girl I've spent three days solid trying to track down is tantalisingly just out of reach. I've been sent a direct link to her facebook profile but it just takes me back to the homepage (possibly overzealous security settings to protect herself from people just like me?). So I guess never mind?
Yours,
Never Trying This Again
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Norbert and Stacey - doing it right.
Nobo - how did you do it?
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I've told you this before Norbert, but I'm so so happy for you!
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So I'm going to Australia to visit my lady on Oct. 9th for 2 weeks, which neatly coincides with our 2 year anniversary; we'll be going to Cairns, Brisbane and Sydney. I'm crazily excited about it! My question: should I buy a present for our anniversary, or is the 1500 plane ticket and the fact that I'm paying for our hotels and such a gift enough? I'm not trying to say "my presence is a gift," but I am dropping a couple grand to be with her...
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Get her something sweet and thoughtful but don't go all out. Flowers are always nice if she's into that kind of thing; no need to spend masses but it might be awkward if she's got you something and you're just like "well here I am".
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Nobo - how did you do it?
I don't even know what to tell you because everything worked out better than I could have ever hoped for.
When I started college I was still with my high school girlfriend. By then we had been dating for roughly a year. Stacey and I lived in the same dorm our freshmen years so we ran into each other within the first month. From the first time I saw her I was completely and utterly smitten. I didn't even want a relationship, I just wanted to be around her and to be her friend. She had a smile that lit up the room and she was the most genuinely nice and caring person I have ever met. We had a class together so we would spend time studying, and then late nights up talking over instant messenger. Over a few weeks we had a really close friendship. There was no pressure there because I had a gf and that made me off limits to her, and her off limits to me.
A quick sidenote about high school gf. I had a crush on her since 7th grade or so, and as a result the relationship was very one sided. I completely changed my image and group of friends for her, and she pretty much got whatever she wanted out of me. I even took her back after she cheated on me. So there was (and still is) a lot of resentment built up over how I let myself be treated by her. But anyway...
So as my friendship with Stace grew, my relationship with hs gf (who went to college 2 hours away) crumbled. I didn't feel like taking the train to see her... when I did all I could think about was Stacey... etc. While hanging out late one night Stace let it slip that she liked me. So I was stuck having to choose between a girl that regularly fought with me on the phone for 2-3 hours at a time, or someone that I really enjoyed being with. It wasn't a difficult choice. So that was the 24th of November, 2002.
The relationship itself has been fairly smooth. I think the fact that it was built on friendship and respect is a huge key. We were on the same campus for 4 years in college, then only 1 hour away when we were in grad school, now we're separated by a 5 hour flight while I work in NC while she finishes school in MI. I think the fact that we both go out of our ways to do small things to make the other person feel special, aka a good morning text, a goodnight phone call, a surprise in the mail, and occasional visits make the distance easier to deal with. And thats what we were like when we lived together as well.
Thats probably more than you wanted to know, but if a guy like me (loud, abrasive, polish, meathead, frat boy) can get an amazing girl, you guys (and girls) shouldn't have a problem :)
I've told you this before Norbert, but I'm so so happy for you!
Yes you have, and it means a lot. Having a great gf along with great buddies/e-buddies makes me a pretty happy guy.
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Seriously, RedLion, if you're spending that much money anyway, a few bucks more for a nice little present won't hurt.
Hey Nobo, congratulations! (if I haven't said that before)
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Dear you wanna die thread,
What do i do about back hair. leave it? wax it? shave it?
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Braids.
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Cornrows
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dreadlocks
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afro
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get tribal patterns shaved into it
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(just like kanye's head!)
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Goddammit Eris I just got sucked into a trance by your avatar for like 2 minutes
again
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O rly?
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Yours doesn't have as many flashing lights but....
oh fuck they're in sync fuck nooooo
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(they aren't, actually)
(they can't be, seeing as how they are at different speeds)
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They were doing pretty good opposites for like 15 seconds. It was horrifying.
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They'll line up and go out of sync in strange patterns like some kind of twisted Steve Reich composition
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Dear you wanna die thread,
What do i do about back hair. leave it? wax it? shave it?
I think it depends on your back hair to chest hair situation. If you are super hairy all around, then waxing/shaving your back will just look weird. If you have a super hair chest, but only some spots of back hair (like me), then just shave the areas on your back that you are unhappy with. Waxing isn't really all that painful, but its expensive. Then again, there are certain areas you cannot reach with a razor.
also: thank you everyone :)
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THIS THREAD