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[elizaknowswhatshesfor]

Duchess, you post made me phone my boyfriend to tel him he is awesome & I love him.

I also had a little tear.

Both of these are good things, thankyou x

[Emaline]

Dear Relationship advice thread,

I know we've had some beef in the past, but now I need some of your advice. You see, I am currently dating this dude who is pretty good friends with his ex. Ex-fiance that is.And in general, this is all fine and dandy. I've pretty much have had no problems with her in the past. But as our relationship has grown more serious, (which I mean, when I first met her, he are I were already pretty serious. It's just that lately I've been basically living with him, whereas before I was only with him like every third day or so) she has become more needy. Long story short: She left him for another dude, and with a metric shit ton of debt, as in roughly $600 a month in credit card bills. When he and I were just friends I basically encouraged him to completely get rid of her, and shut her out of his life, but now that we are dating I understand their connection a bit more, and if he wants her in his life then that is fine by me. In general, I have no problem with them hanging out. I trust him. I know he won't cheat on me, so that is not even a concern. However, I am concerned with how fucking absolutely needy she is. Basically, she doesn't have a job. And won't get a job. His dad works at a local fast food place and has offered her a job washing dishes, but she refuses it. So instead of working for a living she is constantly asking him for money, and to buy things for her. It's ridiculous. She constantly needs him to do this and that for her, and she can't fucking be fucking independent and her own person and its starting to get really annoying.

Recently, she has started calling and texting him whenever we are hanging out so basically our time spent together is spent with him on the phone with her. And if he tries to get off the phone she gets all offended. She has even started saying that she feels like he is abandoning her, and that he needs to spend time with her, and that she doesn't like being #2 in his life. WTF. I am his girlfriend. Of course I am going to be #1. God fucking damn it. So she is whining that it isn't fair, but god damn it, it fucking is. He is my boyfriend. She fucked up her chance with him. She needs to get over it.


So relationship advice thread, what do I dooooo?

[nobo]

This girl sounds like a leech. Your bf is already paying her credit card bills, and he shouldn't even be doing that. Ideally he would cut her out of his life completely. I don't know how long you've been together, but you should throw down the "its me or her" card, otherwise this girl will always be around and constantly fucking with your relationship. You'll just end up bitter towards your bf that he allows her to use him as a doormatt if this continues.

[Emaline]

He's not paying her credit card bills. He is paying for his cards that she charged on. Once they got in a huge fight because he gave her like $8 to put in her bank so she wouldn't overdraft, and because she is too lazy she didn't do it, and she overdrew, and this lead to him having a panic attack because she fucked up his credit so bad that he think he'll never be able to get a new car(because his current is beat up. because he got in an accident on the first date with yours truly), and that he'll never be able to buy a house, etc etc.

And I don't want to be all one or the other at him, because I understand their friends and if it wasn't for her being a leech and a failure at being an adult and a functioning member of society, she'd be an alright person. It's like basically, I really want to encourage him to talk to her about how she needs to get her life together, or that to get the fuck out of his, because she isn't doing anyone any favors the way she is now. I've been tempted to tell him not to talk to her until she gets a job.

[chowburger]

if it wasn't for her being a leech and a failure at being an adult and a functioning member of society, she'd be an alright person.

That's a pretty big 'if', and unless you can seriously see her changing, then I'd agree that cutting her out entirely would be ideal. Or at least cutting her off financially — you say that she keeps asking for money, and I'm under the impression (correct me if I'm wrong) that your boyfriend is giving in and buying things for her? How will she ever learn to back off and be independent if he keeps handing her what she wants? She doesn't seem to be the only one at fault here, if you ask me.

[nobo]

He's not paying her credit card bills. He is paying for his cards that she charged on.

Thats even worse.

It's like basically, I really want to encourage him to talk to her about how she needs to get her life together, or that to get the fuck out of his, because she isn't doing anyone any favors the way she is now. I've been tempted to tell him not to talk to her until she gets a job.

I think thats a good idea. Why is she so important to him anyway? why does he care that she feels lonely or like he's abandoning her? the relationship is over.. why keep her around at all? she doesn't sound like a good friend at all.

[Emaline]

He's given her money in the past. I think after the overdraft drama, I convinced him that he really can't baby her anymore when it comes to money. She isn't going to get a job, unless he cuts her off.


And the credit cards were charged up when they we engaged. So, I mean, it made since that she was using his credit cards, but still doesn't make it ok.


I don't want to be the kind of girlfriend who tells him he can't be friends with people. And out of all of his friends, she was the first one who was welcoming to me. He has another female friend who despised me for quite sometime. It took both he and a male friend sitting her down repeatedly and talking to her about it. And I know he is really good friends with this girl, and I really don't mind her overall. Its just frustrating that she is seemingly getting jealous about us. I feel terrible telling him not to talk to her, but I also feel like she is purposely sabotaging our relationship. We were having a great morning this morning, and she called and they talked, and then we fought for a good hour because of her. ksfajskl;jds; I am fucking going around in circles. Yes I want her gone, no I don't want to tell him who he can be friends with, but I want her gone.

Males of the forum, is it bad for your girlfriends to tell you that you can't be friends with someone?

[a pack of wolves]

Yes. In the end her borrowing money from him and being needy is his business, if he's willing to put up with her being like that then it's his call. You can advise him that this isn't really a healthy friendship but beyond that it's not up to you whether he keeps it up or not. What is your business is how he acts when he's around you, and his spending a lot of time on the phone to someone else when you're trying to spend time together sounds pretty rude really. That's something you can talk to him about and say that you're getting fed up with him taking lengthy phone calls and therefore ignoring you. She might get upset if he breaks off a phone call but he's the one that's placing her overreacting and being needy over spending time with you, and it's his behaviour towards you that ought to concern you.

[calenlass]

Emaline, this sounds like a direct quote from the lives of my friends Jason and Lara. The thing is, Jason and Lara are not so cleanly separated and are sort of dating again (and again and again: they do break up a lot, but this most recent time was a huge deal and was like a Break Up). But Lara is codependent. Basically this means that she desperately needs people to need her, and if she feels that she is becoming less necessary to the people she wants to need her, she will create problems for them so that they will need fixing by her. A lot of this is unconscious. In fact, until he dragged her to a Codependents Anonymous meeting, she didn't even realise it was unnatural, much less a psychological condition.

Lara does not have a job. In all the years that I have known her, she worked at Kroger as a cashier for like 2 months, when suddenly she somehow managed to pinch a nerve  or slip a disc in her back and could no longer stand upright for that long anymore. I am not sure how she slipped a disc because she doesn't do anything except fuck boys and cheat on her boyfriends, and I am not sure how she could have known that a pinched nerve is what happened because she makes a huge deal about not being able to afford health insurance, but either way, that is the story. Jason is marginally smarter about the money thing, it sounds like, because while he also went into debt buying her stuff, it was only stuff that they would both benefit from (food, rent when they were living together, sex toys, etc). That he and his credit are now suffering is his own fault, but he is well aware of this and considers it worthwhile.

Anyway, Lara is clingy. Lara is passive-aggressive and jealous and entitled. When Jason was out with other girls while they were more definitely broken up, she was constantly interrupting him with phone calls and texts, the same way your boyfriend's friend is. Jason realised later that he should have told her to fuck off, because ultimately it ended up costing him a potential girlfriend(s) (I will save what a tragedy I think this was for another day) who did not want to deal with that. However, he had to lose the girl he was interested in before he discovered that babying Lara and indulging her bullshit whingy tantrums and letting her pull him aside to Talk whenever they were out in public at the same place were all bad ideas; it took all that for him to learn.

So maybe it is the same with your boyfriend: it may take something a little more serious to knock some sense into his head. I am not saying you should leave him (unless you want to), but every boy I have ever known has some curious and incongruous blind spots regarding particular aspects of girl-relations. And this is not the sort of treating-girls-as-another-species thing, just occasional events where they deal with it funny. This may well be one of those.

Sorry I don't have any advice to offer, and if you weren't looking for perspective or empathy, well, that is all I got.

[NeverQuiteGoth]

It's my opinion that a pack of wolves is right.

You shouldn't make this about your boyfriend's friend. You should make it about your boyfriend. Don't even mention her, if you can avoid it. The fact of the matter is you're unhappy with the way he is behaving. Once you make the cause of his behavior arbitrary, you make her impotent to affect you and your boyfriend's lives together. Don't get mad at him. Be supportive but let him know you're unhappy with the way he's treating you. If he has half a clue, he'll realize he needs to put you first when you're together.

This ex of his sounds exactly like the kind of person my little sister is, and if she is, she is not going to make this easy. She's going to be completely unscroupulous, and she is going to play HEAVILY on your boyfriend's sense of guilt. She's going to twist reality to make her seem like the innocent victim, and worse, she'll believe her own fabrication when she does, giving that much more potency to her power to instill misplaced guilt.

[Aimless]

Dear relationship thread.

There's this lovely girl that works at my favourite café in sthlm. I've seen her there twice now, and both times we've spent a lot of time talking with each other even though I was there with friends and she (technically) was working. She seems to be just the kinda gal I like hanging out with: friendly, cheerful, hella cool. Cute as a button, too, like a slim blonde short-haired button with rosy cheeks and a husky voice and... well, yeah, she's cute.

Anyway, I've been there twice now without asking her if she'd like to go out for coffee or a drink. The first time I was in a rush and blanked, but that's all right. The second time, my friends started commenting and suddenly it wasn't all relaxed and fun anymore, and I started overthinking. Didn't ask her then either, barely said anything when I left 'cause I was feeling kinda rubbish. And now that I've begun to fret I can't make myself stop and am not sure what to do.

So here's the thing. It's her last day at work tomorrow, and she's moving to another town to study. Should I go and just ask her if she'd like to have coffee with me before she goes?

I'm absolutely not looking for anything but good company atm. It's just that I've gone out with a few strangers over these past few weeks in sthlm--just random people I've met--and while they've all been sweet and cute--and really great for my self-confidence --this is the first one I've met that I've really enjoyed talking with right from the start. I don't think we have some sorta special connection, we're just two similarly-mannered people who've happened to meet on good days. But I do feel like it'd be nice to hang out for a bit outside of work and without friends around, and that it'd be nice to be able to just relax instead of fretting like this.

So what do I do? Do I go in tomorrow even though I feel all anxious and uncertain and risk losing some of my confidence and ruining whatever good impression I may have made in the hope of getting to know someone new? Is the third time the charm?

Or is the third time best avoided? Do I just let it go, hide at home, and accept that my fabulous summer vacation is over?




A lesson that may or may not be generally applicable and useful for others in this thread: if possible, leave friends out of this sorta business. Some are great but some have a way of getting under your skin

This is ridiculous. I've gone out with people I've met at street-crossings, at stores, or while using public transportation, just for fun. Why can't this be fun and easy???

[Aimless]

Emaline, it's right of you to expect more from your time with your bf. But it can be hard to break away from someone whom you feel is dependent on you. When forced to choose between one important person and another, you might just end up feeling like a dick no matter what you do, and that can be pretty rough.

Do you have any idea exactly why your bf isn't handling his ex and his new relationship with you they way he should be?

Like, what's his hangup? Not very eloquently put, but yeah. You said you understand his relationship with her better now. What is it that's keeping them from changing this really uncool dynamic?





Is there any way you could have a chat with his ex, maybe ask her what's up? She isn't isn't dependent on you after all, so a chat with you might be more fruitful, to begin with.

[LeeC]

I havnt had a steady girlfriend in 8 years, I think there is something wrong with me.

[Hat]

if you actually want advice we probably need a little more information

how often do you meet new people?

how good are you at talking to women?

what is your 'type' (not everybody has a type but I find the less dating experience a person has, the more likely they are convinced they do)

come on man, work with us a little here

[NeverQuiteGoth]

if you actually want advice we probably need a little more information
...
come on man, work with us a little here

It's a trap!! Run, LeeC, run!

[LeeC]

haha fair enough.

well I have been on some dates since I broke up with my girl 8 years ago.  But either we didnt hit it off, I fucked up or they fucked up.

I meet new people everyday but usually in a work setting.  in fact I have been told I am the most friendliest person at work.  I am pretty good on striking up a conversation but I feel awkward trying to get someone's number at work because I do computer support and I fear that I will make things awkward.  Also if it didnt work out that they would feel they couldnt ask me for help. Plus I am not good at detecting signals from women that they find me attractive or are interested in me.  honestly I feel like marten http://www.questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=64

 I also for some reason feel awkward with "hitting on" girls at bars.  Feels too cheesey.  Oddly enough its hard to find a wingman because all my friends have a GF or BF.

as for type, I really dont have one.  I know what I like when I see it as far as physical appearances go.  the only rule I have is I dont want a girl that will crush my legs by just sitting in my lap. (No offense to anyone reading this)

[Aimless]

Why'd you break up? If you don't mind my asking.

[LeeC]

she turned out to be a crazy racist.  Oddly enough a week after I broke up with her, her uncle died in the pentagon on 9/11.  Felt kinda bad for her.

and the girl I had before her thought her uncle was Lucifer incarnate, and she stopped bathing for some reason.    yeah that one didnt last too long.

[a pack of wolves]

So what do I do? Do I go in tomorrow even though I feel all anxious and uncertain and risk losing some of my confidence and ruining whatever good impression I may have made in the hope of getting to know someone new? Is the third time the charm?

You obviously want to, so do it. There is nothing even slightly odd about chatting to someone a couple of times and then asking them to meet up sometime on the third meeting, don't go thinking you've missed your window of opportunity since that kind of thing is nonsense anyway. In fact, there's pretty much no way for this to go badly. If she declines then there are innumerable reasons why she wouldn't feel like meeting up with a new person when she's about to move away that have nothing to do with you and how much she'd like to hang out with you in other circumstances. If she does go for it brilliant, you get to hang out with a nice person. There is basically no downside.

LeeC, work is a very difficult place to meet people romantically because you're quite right, it can get awkward. Unfortunately some people go very odd if they date someone a few times, it doesn't go anywhere and they still have to see the other person. Bars are tricky too, personally I'm always reticent to try and chat someone up there since I know that many women absolutely hate the fact that they can't go out for a drink without being bothered by someone trying it on. Not that trying it on is a bad thing in itself but I do understand how it can get wearing if it's every bloody time you go for a pint. It sounds like you need a social activity outside of work where you can get to know women, and these are actually pretty easy to come by. Think of your interests (or something you feel you might like but have never tried) and then think which of those have social activities attached that involve groups of people (this is basically anything, but it might be best to focus on ones that will have a better ratio of women, so films and rambling over tabletop gaming and motorsport), find a local group and get involved.

[LeeC]

oddly enough pack of wolves, I quit my job this upcoming friday, I'll be going back to college.  Oddly enough I come close to "hooking up" at nearly every concert i go to.

[a pack of wolves]

Sounds like you're pretty sorted then, going back to college is probably just what you need. Good luck!

[LeeC]

Sounds like you're pretty sorted then, going back to college is probably just what you need. Good luck!

haha I hope your right.

[20 jazz funk greats]

dear relationship thread,

oh god things with the boy i had a massive crush on (okay, i still like him even though i shouldn't! rawr. ) completely failed. today he basically told me that he doesn't have time for a girlfriend and then i said well i'm not asking you out or anything, i just want to spend some time with you and get to know you better and see what happens. and he was all like "but see, i work 12 hour shifts now. i don't have a social life. i just talk to my coworkers and my roommates, that's it" awww, poor thing! really that is not much of an excuse. i used to work 14 (yes 14) hour shifts and then go see people afterwards because i actually cared about spending time with them. also my job was technically harder than his job. but i guess his is more stressful for him than mine ever was for me cause he doesn't seem to be good at it.  or maybe he used to be good at it until i came along and started distracting him by being all sexy? but i didn't actually go there that often, not being a crazy stalker and all. ehhh. i still want him even though he is being dumb and selfish and frustrating and still giving me MAJORLY MIXED SIGNALS.  like even when he was giving me the whole "i don't really have time for you" speech he was still looking at me like he would actually want to date me if he could. what. the. fuck. it was making me uncomfortable so i just left and didn't say see you later or try to hug him or try to convince him that i would be an awesome low-maintenance girlfriend (i am really not clingy at all once i'm actually dating someone!) who would give him him as much space as he needs (and mindblowing sex when we do end up seeing each other)  i didn't want to make things more awkward.

i would like to get over him (okay not really. i would like to have him, but it's not gonna happen anytime soon so i feel like i should be trying to move on.) but it's hard considering that's he's one of the few guys i actually find interesting on an intellectual level but not freakishly smart and intimidating.  i am trying to be open-minded and give new boys a chance. actually agreed to go on a date with one tomorrow.  but i feel so indifferent about him that i wouldn't even care if he never showed up.  except THIS one would probably show up like an hour early cause he is soooooo into me and would cook me dinner and watch chick flicks with me and send me cheesy text message poetry. but i really don't want any of those things. at least not from him. fuuuuuuuck.  i am kind of tempted to cancel this date. should i? or am i just being unfair to this new guy just cause he's not as deep as the other one and overly eager and uses horrible shorthand in his texts?

confused as hell,
anna

[Mynah]

So what does it mean when a boy kisses you and then doesn't talk to you for a week?

Some more information that may help, but I don't know where/how to put it:
-I only met him about a month ago.  I don't know him all that well, and all we really do with each other is play World of Warcraft and watch the occasional anime together, and actually, until that one night, we were never really alone together.  We were always with our mutual friends. 
-Other than his sudden making out with me, I haven't caught any hints that he likes me, even though I have been dropping hints that I like him.
-He gave me his phone number shortly before kissing me.
-He's the one who initiated the kiss, but I had been resting my head on his shoulder for about two hours before that.
-Not a whole lot happened after the kiss.  We had a very short, awkward conversation, and he had to leave because it was 2am.
-Since then, I have made attempts to reach him, but not too many.  Just two very short texts and one call.  I left about two days in between each, because I didn't want to nag him or anything.  I just know he's shy and that he might need a little prompting.
-I figured, since he gave me his number beforehand, that he would expect me to call/text him.  However, he hasn't responded to any of my texts, and he didn't answer his phone or respond to the voicemail I left for him.  So... maybe he didn't?  Why else would he give me his number?
-We do hang out in the same circle of friends, so, even if he is purposefully avoiding me, we're bound to bump into each other again soon.

So... I haven't done this for a while.  What am I supposed to do now?  Just wait 'til he either calls/texts me back, or shows up at my house, or I happen to bump into him?  Should I be nagging him, or am I right in leaving some space in between prods? 

[Spluff]

I'm guessing alot of you guys like to sit there in the friend zone.

hiiiighway to the friend zone
gonna take your riiiight into the friend zone

[NeverQuiteGoth]

dear relationship thread,
confused as hell,
anna

That guy you're going on a date with is going to be crushed no matter how easily you let him down; leading him on like that is cruel and there's no other way to spin that. If you don't have intentions with him, letting him believe otherwise is not a nice thing to do.

As for your "too busy" guy, have you thought that maybe he legitimately believes he doesn't have time to date you, and turned you down because he was trying to be considerate? If that's the case, he's probably really bummed that his moral sense forced him to do that even though he wants to date you.

[Jimmy the Squid]

So what does it mean when a boy kisses you and then doesn't talk to you for a week?

Here are some possibilities:

He's busy, it's only a week, don't freak out.
If he is anything like the common WoW player is probably playing WoW for the entire week, maybe try contacting him through that.
You're shit at kissing.

It could also be something different! Try not to be too obsessive about it, he might just be wicked busy and not able to get back to, he might be having problems with his phone or he might be freaking out about when is too soon to call you back or somesuch nonsense. Maybe speak to some of your mutual friends and see if they've heard from him.

[Masterbainter]

I'm thinking he's obsessed with WOW like so many are.

I highly doubt he's looking for a relationship.  If you've texted him twice and called him once and haven't gotten a response from them I'd just leave it at that for now.

I work with a guy who plays wow and I'll text him, "hi, how's it going?"... two months later I got a reply, "not bad, you?"....

He plays wow.

It's extremely hard for a girl to be a "shit kisser"  at least through the amount of girls i've been with I've never experienced one.  But then again, maybe i'm easy to please.  I highly doubt it's your kissing.  Maybe you breath thoug? j/k.

or maybe, you kissed him and he ... Jizzed in his pants. also j/k, but maybe not  

My last opinion is that you aren't a blood elf and you'll never be one and that's what he's looking for.

Also same to what the poster said above, don't worry about it.  Keep your options open.  If he comes around great.  If he doesn't own him in PVP.

[Aimless]

You obviously want to, so do it. There is nothing even slightly odd about chatting to someone a couple of times and then asking them to meet up sometime on the third meeting, don't go thinking you've missed your window of opportunity since that kind of thing is nonsense anyway.

I don't really believe in those arcane rules, but there is the practical matter of this being her last day of work

Anyway, I swung by the café but she wasn't there. On the bright side, they had no wireless either so I got my ass to the library where I'll now get some work done, and then drift around with some friends ('cause it's bloody gorgeous outside and it's actually kinda intolerable in here, bloody hot and humid) and then maybe end the evening at the café. And if nothing then, then well I guess I did miss my chance, meh.

Would be sweet if she were there though, this week there'll be free standup-shows every night and absolutely brilliant weather. Beats the hell outta coffee and shopping!

In other news, I just had coffee with a girl who's sitting at this table. Apart from the massive graphical calculator she's playing with, she's like Sweden personified, in both good ways and bad. Still, I'm feeling less shaky now perhaps it's time to get some work done.

[ViolentDove]

... uses horrible shorthand in his texts ...

I would not date someone who used horrible shorthand in their texts. So far this has worked well for me.

[LeeC]

Just a general helpful video for everyone
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTRvfs3-QZg

[ummmkay]

... uses horrible shorthand in his texts ...

I would not date someone who used horrible shorthand in their texts. So far this has worked well for me.

Nor would I. For instance, texting me to say "where you" as an inquiry as to my whereabouts is entirely unacceptable and will not be tolerated.

[20 jazz funk greats]

That guy you're going on a date with is going to be crushed no matter how easily you let him down; leading him on like that is cruel and there's no other way to spin that. If you don't have intentions with him, letting him believe otherwise is not a nice thing to do.

oh come on now. we talked for 15 minutes at most before exchanging phone numbers and have only texted briefly since (but haven't had actual phone conversations). i don't think that is enough time to establish a real connection with someone unless you believe in love at first sight. i may have exaggerated how interested he seems in me a tiny bit. maybe it's me, maybe he's just desperate for a gf in general.  so i think he'd be disappointed but not entirely crushed if things didn't work out.  but i am willing to give him a chance. yes, i'd rather have someone else. no, i won't mention it while out with him. i am going to be pleasant to him and try to get to know him and maybe he is better than my first impression of him and maybe we'll hit it off and i will forget about busy mixed signal boy. but if we don't click, that's not my fault and it doesn't make me a horrible person.

I would not date someone who used horrible shorthand in their texts. So far this has worked well for me.

but i kind of feel like i'm being shallow.

[Slick]

codependent

This article or section has multiple issues.

I would not date someone who used horrible shorthand in their texts. So far this has worked well for me.

but i kind of feel like i'm being shallow.

Maybe you are but there isn't anything wrong with that.

[calenlass]

Hahahaha I can't believe I missed that. Thanks, James!

[Mynah]

I know it's just a week, and a week isn't a big deal, and being busy for a whole week isn't all that uncommon.  However, I think that if you kiss someone out of nowhere and then just go home and don't respond to anything they send you... I don't know, it kind of comes across as rude and/or avoidant to me, even if it's just a week.  I mean, if I had gotten a better chance to ask him about it before he left, I probably wouldn't be concerned.  As it stands, though, I don't know whether he really likes me, if he was just feeling especially kissy, whether or not he is looking for a relationship, or anything like that, and I would very much like to know what's going on.  I don't think that's obsessive, or that I'm freaking out over it or anything like that.  I just don't think it's very nice to be like, "Oh hey, surprise kisses!  I'm gonna go now, so it's up to you to figure out whether or not I actually like you.  Bye!"

I probably should've added that he can't actually play WoW unless he's at my house.  He can't afford to pay for high speed internet, so he doesn't bother paying for his account anymore.  Now he just uses my brother's account when he's here.  So no, it's not a case of WoW addiction.  If it was, that would actually be nice, since I'm addicted to WoW myself, and we play on the same server.

And I know his phone isn't broken or anything, because my brother has successfully contacted him since then.  I just haven't had any such luck.

[Barmymoo]

So I've known this guy for eleven years and I've loved him as long as I can remember. Last summer we had a conversation that basically established our feelings for each other, which are sadly not terribly compatible.

I guess I'm wondering, do you think that in general people's romantic interests in one another can alter over time? Is it possible that in two, three years from now he will realise he does actually love me romantically not just as a very good friend? Or am I being overly optimistic and thereby wasting opportunities to branch out and meet new people?

This isn't so much asking for advice as opinions. I don't really need any advice at this point; he doesn't love me so pestering him would be counter-productive but we are still good friends so avoiding him would be silly. Just wondered what you thought about long term developments of feelings.

For the record, when we met I was seven and he was seventeen. I'm now eighteen (and obviously he's twenty-eight) so it's no longer weird.

[snalin]

Maybe that's the root of the problem? Even if he doesn't say that himself, or even know it, you being that little littel girl in his memories might disrupt any chances of romance. I'm not sure about this, but I can't really see myself in ten years being romantically interested in anyone that's 7 now, no matter how nice and beautiful they turn out. The point being that you've established roles, and since he has always been zecret crush to you, romantic feelings came easily. But if he's always been thinking of you as little young "sister" or something similar, you'll have a hard time changing that.

[Aimless]

Never say never, but I'm inclined to agree with Snalin. If he sees you as a little sister and/or you see him kinda like a big brother... and you guys have had a heart-to-heart and found that you want different things from each other...

My opinion: you might want to let it go for now and reassess things in a few years' time.

I've occasionally seen a friend get together with eg. another friend's younger sibling, but the age-differences haven't been that great and they haven't really had a close relationship prior to getting together.






Update for me: it was bloody difficult to work up the nerve, but I asked her if she wanted to see me before she leaves town, she seemed to think it was a great idea and immediately gave me her name for facebooking purposes (woulda preferred a number, but hey) and I eventually left the café with my mates, all of us full of good food and quite pleased after a good day. I've been rained on today, and chilled to the bone by strong cold winds, my flipflopped feet turned into insensate lumps of flesh and bone... but I've been rather warm and fuzzy inside even so there's a good chance we won't meet up, but now I feel good, so...

... thank you relationship-advice-thread, for your advice and encouragement and overall inspiration

[Alex C]

I'm afraid it does change the situation quite a bit when they already know you that well. I consider my sister's best friend to be pretty dateable, but there's only a 4 year age difference there and I never got to know her until fairly recently; in my mind she's just a cute 23 year old college grad who makes my gf really nervous. By contrast, my brother has 18 year old friends and I tend to think of them as kids, even the attractive ones. I can't get around the fact that they were kids as recently as a couple years ago, and frankly, a lot of them still act like it.

[LeeC]

good job aimless!

i am wondering where I am at with this one girl.  When I got back from the San Diego trip (FUCKING AWESOME by the way) I had to teach new hire training at work.  I had cracked a joke that I was jet lagged after my trip to san diego.  This girl stayed after class to talk with me about it.  She said she never been to DC before and didnt know what to do. So I gave her my number and told her to call me if she wanted to go out and have fun.  She found out I was leaving GAO soon and wanted to have lunch with me.  So I took her to a nice place and we had a great time and she said she would really like to do this again with me.  We are suppose to go again this thursday.   Again I dont know where I am at with her.  Just a friend, a potential relationship, or what.

[calenlass]

How about just wait and see where it goes?

[onewheelwizzard]

Yeah, seems like the kind of thing that could turn into just about anything but is likely to be fun regardless.  Hang out!

Hey shippythread, my life is AWESOME right now, because I have a new girl in my life and she is a real girlfriend and not just someone I sleep with sometimes!  Usually I am perfectly OK with having people in my life who are friends I sleep with sometimes.  That is something I have tended to enjoy, and I have developed myself into someone who is quite good at maintaining that dynamic successfully.  However, it has gotten pretty stale.  There's no risk involved anymore, it's not really interesting.  Just sleeping with someone every now and then, without committing to a certain degree of mutual emotional support and time devotion, has gotten boring.

Fortunately, about 2 1/2 weeks ago, I walked into the apartment of a friend of a friend, and said second-degree friend's roommate turned out to be an absolutely wonderful girl with whom I shared a great many interests.  Mutual interest got to be quite strong quite quick, and we started seeing each other for real for real (read: fucking) a little more than a week ago.  Since then we have spent a LOT of time together (including a bar quizzo with her friends, a Burner rave with my friends, and dinner at my parents' house), developed our understanding of each others' lives quite a bit, and become extremely close.  We have already traded statements that we are both totally sold on this relationship and really really excited for where it is going and what it's going to do for us.  I've been floating around on a cloud for the past week and a half.

Whee!

[NeverQuiteGoth]

oh come on now. we talked for 15 minutes at most before exchanging phone numbers and have only texted briefly since (but haven't had actual phone conversations). i don't think that is enough time to establish a real connection with someone unless you believe in love at first sight. i may have exaggerated how interested he seems in me a tiny bit. maybe it's me, maybe he's just desperate for a gf in general.

He will be crushed. If he is the kind of guy he sounds like, in other words, conforming to the "socially awkward virgin" archetype, then he will be utterly destroyed if you lead him on and then cast him off. He doesn't think he loves you, he thinks that because you're interested in him, he should devote all of his willpower towards making himself love you. It is a very fragile state, but its not you specifically so much as the validation he's finally getting as a sexually viable male. The fact that someone is finally seeing him that way. To a guy like that, its a very, very powerful thing, and by leading him on and then dropping him, you'll shatter that validation, no matter how kindly you explain it. And if you wait until he succeeds in making himself love you, he'll probably suffer permanent mental and emotional damage.

In short, girls who don't understand this(like you, apparently) are the reason so many guys end up becoming heartless bastards. Its the only way they can survive.

[onewheelwizzard]

OK dude this is what you have to go on so far:

i am trying to be open-minded and give new boys a chance. actually agreed to go on a date with one tomorrow.  but i feel so indifferent about him that i wouldn't even care if he never showed up.  except THIS one would probably show up like an hour early cause he is soooooo into me and would cook me dinner and watch chick flicks with me and send me cheesy text message poetry. but i really don't want any of those things. at least not from him. fuuuuuuuck.  i am kind of tempted to cancel this date. should i? or am i just being unfair to this new guy just cause he's not as deep as the other one and overly eager and uses horrible shorthand in his texts?

The fact that you are so totally convinced that he is such a fragile person, such a "socially awkward virgin," based on nothing but this, even though you know that even THIS is based on only 15 minutes of conversation and a few text messages, is ... well, it indicates to me that you have no fucking clue what you're talking about.  I mean, I don't either.  You might be right.  He might be really REALLY emotionally unstable and fragile and he might end up being totally crushed by a rejection from someone he barely knows and who barely knows him.  But you don't KNOW that, and to assume it is honestly kind of offensive (or at least, if I were this guy, and I read what you've said and it wasn't actually true, I'd be pretty offended at the kind of assumptions you've made).

Bottom line is, there has not been enough communication for anyone to know what you claim to know.  Stop guilt-tripping 20JFG, you're totally jumping the gun and you're doing no help for anyone.

[BrittanyMarie]

Thanks Joe, I was gonna respond with a "WUT." but yours is better. NQG-not all boys are like you!

[Professor Snuggles]

Guys NGQ is the worst, aside from maybe Masterbainter.

Disregard both of them, really.

[Tyler]

This thread is pretty great

[Professor Snuggles]

Hey Tyler, I have a girlfriend now. She's really pretty!

What do you think about that

[Lines]

In short, girls who don't understand this(like you, apparently) are the reason so many guys end up becoming heartless bastards. Its the only way they can survive.

This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. People get shot down. People move on. Sack the fuck up.

I can say this because I am a bitch who eats men's hearts right out of their chests for the sheer fun of it. Who's next?