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[Dazed]

Find drunk-off-their-ass people and fuck them while their judgement is severely impaired.

It's remarkably easy, but it does leave you with a scathing feeling of self-loathing if you're a decent human being.

[vegkitkat]

What's life without a little self-loathing?

Long distance, Emilio? There's probably some drunk college boys outside I could prey on. There for sure will be tomorrow (I think my soul just threw up in its metaphysical mouth).

[Bastardous Bassist]

Find drunk-off-their-ass people and fuck them while their judgement is severely impaired.

It's remarkably easy, but it does leave you with a scathing feeling of self-loathing if you're a decent human being.

Sometimes, it can work with no impaired judgement.  This is rare, an only happens for certain people.

[Dimmukane]

So how does somebody go about making conversation with a bunch of people you've never met before with no frame of reference for what they're talking about? 

[Bastardous Bassist]

Ask them questions about themselves.  Not too personal, clearly, but people love to talk about themselves.  Bonus, you get to find out if they are awesome or not by finding out things about them.

p.s.  So, I spent most of last night trying to find a way for this girl I really like to get her boyfriend to propose to her.  Awesome time to be had by all!

[negative creep]

bbq, there is a thing called "gaydar", it works for me.

[Slick]

the gays:
If you are looking to pick up, go to a gay bar. Then you can be reasonably certain that the people there are gay.
If you are not trying to pick up, then it shouldn't matter if the person you are meeting is gay or not. Either they are gay and maybe you will do something later or they are not gay and they might be a friend or whatever. I have bought drinks for people before just because I have met them and they seem OK and I had a twenty in my pocket.

[Bastardous Bassist]

Dude, I think I have bought more people drinks for that reason than trying to flirt with people.  Also, it usually doesn't matter that much in a normal bar.  I have had awesome conversations with people both before and after I found out that they were gay, or if I never found out that they were gay.  The only reason I could think if it mattered is if you're curious, which isn't that good a reason.

[tania]

bbq, there is a thing called "gaydar", it works for me.

every time i go out with my gay friends i set off everybody's gaydar, all the time, and women consistently check me out or chat me up and it eventually is followed by some kind of come on to which i inevitably have to respond with "oh uh, sorry, i'm not gay, i'm very flattered though" and then maybe we laugh a bit and from there we either keep talking or if she really wants to get laid she then leaves to go talk to some other women.

i guess my point is that a lot of the time gay people find other people simply by trial and error and it's often not as scary as might seem because if their gaydar fails, depending on where they are and the circumstances there's often still a pretty good chance that whoever they mistook for gay is going to be open minded enough to not really be all that offended anyway.

[jhocking]

...you're not gay?

 

[Cernunnos]

Just a few minutes ago, I took a walk around town, and passed by a really cute girl and her dog. Naturally, the dog greeted me, and I reciprocated with a scratch behind the ears. But did I talk to this cute girl? Did I try and make small talk? Ask for her number? No, of course not. Do you know why?  Because I am a dumb fuck, that's why.

Fuck my dumb stupid brain.

[Barmymoo]

Hey relationship, what would you say to a person who was engaged to another person and then that first person posted their number on the internet when someone asked how to procur a one-night-stand? What would your advice be to their fiancee, HMM? HMM?


Note: this may or may not be a joke (you'll never know...)(you probably already do)

[phooey]

Fuck my dumb stupid brain.

Don't sweat it, she probably has caveman breath or has really bad table manners or something.

[jhocking]

I dunno, sounds to me like he threw away his one shot at true happiness.

[Bastardous Bassist]

She had a dog and was attractive.  Clearly, she was the perfect woman.

I've done exactly the same before, except the girl actually tried to talk to me, and I wasn't that communicative except with the dog.  I'm convinced that meeting is why I'm not married yet, because she truly must have been the one.

[ViolentDove]

Maybe the dog was the one. Seemed like you got on better.

[iamiam]

okay, so you are a boy.  you are a boy who meets a girl.  after you meet this girl, your friend asks you if you think she's hot and you respond "fuck yea!"

when you are within the general vicinity of the girl, you always find some excuse to get closer to her and strike up conversation.  you usually spend this time teasing her, or promising her that you'll let her know when cool parties and shows are coming up.

you keep your word and occassionally text her letting her know about dance parties and rock shows.  sometimes she texts you to let you know about cool bands that are coming into town.  somehow between the two of you flaking out, you never actually manage to end up in the same place at the same time.

time passes and the next time you don't show up to her invitation, she jokingly tells you that one of these days you should actually end up hanging out.  you agree.  you arrange an activity - she will meet you at your house for a movie you had suggested you watch together.  you tell her you'll meet up next time you both have a day off, but you never actually text her like you said you would.

a week passes.  she texts you casually inviting you along to grab a bite to eat. you don't answer.

another week passes.  you have a lengthy conversation, bonding over crazy parents and figuring out what to do with your life.  the next day she texts you: "hey remember that movie we were supposed to watch? invite me over sometime, i still need to see it!"  again, you do not reply.  

you are probably too busy to reply because you are too busy hanging out with your friend who is busy complaining to you about her awful boyfriend.  you have developed feelings for her and you hope that eventually she will dump her boyfriend and be with you.  so in the meantime you neglect your plans with the girl (who maybe you never really actually liked that way anyways) because it would just get in the way of pursuing your silly friend.

so.  boys.  could you do me a favor?  could you explain to me what the fuck is going on?  why don't you ever make any sense??

[Sox]

he's a drag.
aim higher.

[Ptommydski]

He's just not that into you.

[Jace]

I have pretty much that entire situation the same, but I am the boy trying to make plans with the girl. Sometimes she texts me first to chat, sometimes I text her. It has been like 2 weeks and we haven't hung out at all since meeting that first night while dancing even though we have quite a bit in common.

[iamiam]

He's just not that into you.

does not compute.  everybody should be totally into me because i'm fantastic.

[KvP]

Not really Mai.

Okay maybe a little.

[E. Spaceman]

Hey relationship, what would you say to a person who was engaged to another person and then that first person posted their number on the internet when someone asked how to procur a one-night-stand? What would your advice be to their fiancee, HMM? HMM?


Note: this may or may not be a joke (you'll never know...)(you probably already do)

This is straight out of Melrose Place

[iamiam]

well okay maybe i was joking.  sort of.  everybody should be totally into me even though i'm not actually fantastic.

seriously though, it's pretty obvious this is a case of 'he's just not that into you'.  what i am confused about is the actions leading up to the present.  why the initial eager interest in hanging out that then suddenly fades into total disinterest once the actual opportunity for concrete plans arises?  i'm asking because this isn't the first time i've experienced this, and i'm not the only girl i know it's happened to.

i'm sure there are people here that have been guilty of this behavior in the past that can give their own explanations. and maybe there isn't any easy explanation at all.  maybe you just have been so busy moving and repairing your car that broke down that you don't have time to make plans and you can't even text because your phone is broken.

but on the other hand i'm wondering if there is some common vein of reasoning behind this behavior, and if so if it's a reflection on the "boy" or the "girl". is it because the game of cat and mouse is fun but once the mouse is caught it becomes boring and it's then time to find a new one?  is it because you have a short attention span and if the person you're interested in doesn't immediately reciprocate, you soon will find another to replace them?  is it because it takes you a little while to realize a person has a funny smell about them, and then once you do you decide to call it quits?

or am i just thinking way too hard about this and it's just total coincidence that my friends and i know really flakey people?

i'm genuinely curious!

[Bastardous Bassist]

I am curious, too.  I am the king of getting someone's number, having an awesome conversation with them on the phone, then having that person never answer another one of my phone calls.  Maybe I'm not the king, but this always seems to happen to me.

[maxusy3k]

Going from the 'not that into you' angle, maybe it is just x person thinks y person would be cool to hang out with / get to know better then just becomes pre-occupied with other things / people?

I mean, I am pretty terrible at keeping plans together and returning messages just because I get distracted easy or simply forget to reply / make arrangements when I finish up whatever I was doing at the time, unless it is certain very specific people who are trying to make the plans in the first place.

It could be a case of the pursuit being more attractive than the catch, I guess. I don't know, I've never really been in the situation where I shrugged off my interest in somebody. I guess I've had friends where either I was sending the wrong signals or they were reading too far into my actions and it may seem like I was playing this game with them, when in actuality it is just a case of I got talking to them, they were fun to hang out with at that particular time, I thought it'd be a cool idea to hang out some more but then a whole bunch of other 'more important' things came along and I generally just forgot to keep the other person informed.

I think it is maybe just a human thing where the thing you don't have - so to speak - is more desireable than the thing you do. A natural desire to get more or whatever. The shiny new toy is almost always seen as better than the used old one, even if they're pretty much the same.

[Bastardous Bassist]

So, you think by the time you get to the "let's hang out together" stage, the chase is done?  That certainly explains a lot, though I completely don't share that view.

Though, on your other point, that does seem to make a lot of sense.

[allison]

Why do I chase boys who get bored of me? Why do I get jealous? Why do I play "the friend"?

[tania]

very often people are just cowards who don't have the guts to say they aren't interested and instead play their own little game where they decide you do and don't exist only when it's most convenient for them. there's not a lot you can do except remember that you're awesome and it's him, not you. forget him and find a guy who's actually aware that other people besides himself have feelings too.

[Alex C]

I really wish people would quit implying that self-absorbed people are cowardly. It's really not cowardice. We just don't care. There is a difference.

[jhocking]

I am curious, too.  I am the king of getting someone's number, having an awesome conversation with them on the phone, then having that person never answer another one of my phone calls.  Maybe I'm not the king, but this always seems to happen to me.

This happened to me a couple times a long time ago.  In one memorable case I think because she was still kinda with her boyfriend back home so after we had an awesome phone conversation she chickened out.  I don't really hold it against any of those girls though because I'm pretty sure I've pulled that kinda shit on other people.  Even now sometimes I'm still a thoughtless dick to people who are just trying to flirt a little bit; the other day at the grocery store I realized after the fact that the cashier was trying to start a conversation and I felt bad for making her feel awkward.

I guess my point here is to back up what tania said, that when someone you are interested in sends very mixed signals it's probably not because they are deliberately fucking with you but because people tend to be self-absorbed and only concerned about themselves.

[Alex C]

I guess my point here is to back up what tania said, that when someone you are interested in sends very mixed signals it's probably not because they are deliberately fucking with you but because people tend to be self-absorbed and only concerned about themselves.

This. Don't get too bent out of shape over it and try not to ever let it make you feel bitter or anything. This guy may be a perfectly nice person in other situations (or he might not, but that's kind of immaterial). Either he's a jerk or he just has his head up his butt right now because he's fixated on some other girl and his own issues. Sometimes he pulls his head out long enough to notice you, but that doesn't mean he won't go right back to his usual routine. People do this sometimes and there's really nothing to do but move on and recognize that we're silly creatures.

[BrittanyMarie]

or he could be like me, if i don't feel like hanging out or i don't have anything to respond to, i just won't answer. i used to not have unlimited texts so not i still have the mentality of if it's not urgent or whatever i just won't respond since it's a waste of 15 cents or whatever. it's not like purposely ignoring, it's the fact that i think i get a bunch of mass text 'wut r u doing?" texts or "hey party at this person's place!" or "hey, there's a thing going on at this place" and if i don't want to go out, i just won't bother writing back. it'd feel more asshole-like to be just like "no. i don't feel like it." and then sometimes i genuinely would like to hang out with someone but every time they text me i'm in a stay at home mood or have other plans... it's one of those "awesome! yeah, we should totally hang out! it'd be fun, just give me a shout sometime" nonspecific things

[Ptommydski]

It's a complicated situation which we all tend to see from whichever position we have most recently occupied. We tend to subconsciously bias our explanations even if we aren't completely aware of it. It basically comes down to uncertainty and ordinary social etiquette. There's really nothing particularly malicious about it from either standpoint.

First - Uncertainty. It's actually really hard to know when someone is genuinely hitting on you (or whatever it is you are doing to show an interest) and the fear of being wrong tends to make people play their cards very close to their chest as a result. There's really nothing abnormal about being apprehensive about potential embarrassment. That happens to borderline everyone I should imagine. What you think is really obvious flirting is probably still quite subtle.

Second - Etiquette. If they aren't particularly interested in you, it's remarkably difficult to say it in a completely inoffensive way. Especially if they don't even really know if you are making a play for their attention in the first place. The average person will avoid awkward confrontation like the plague. Telling somebody that you aren't interested or attracted to them is a really difficult and potentially horrible scenario and it's not unnatural to want to avoid it at all costs. Especially if the easier option is there and you don't regularly encounter the other person.

The other thing to remember is that another person doesn't actually know what you think and more importantly perhaps you don't actually know what they are thinking. Maybe they are just really oblivious and naive. Maybe they legitimately have a lot of things going on in their life which takes precedent. Personally I have virtually no leisure time at all and I have the hardest time making and keeping appointments and arrangements or sustaining any kind of normal relationship because of this. When I tell people that or drop friendly hints to that effect, they seem to ignore it because people tend to idealise what they hear to suit their best case scenario. There's so many variables when you consider how much can occupy someone's life. Work, family, education, hobbies - hell, just travelling from A to B, sleeping and doing laundry. Prioritising is a big part of being an adult and that which is not strictly necessary gets pushed to the back of the queue.

Specific to MaiAda's particular problem - There's a lot of people out there who like specific types of people and you shouldn't be offended if you don't fall into their criteria. Especially when it comes to men because their criteria is usually ridiculous. For example - I don't particularly like being in relationships on a local basis but I do sporadically get the urge to have sex. Thus, if I'm looking for a girl, I can usually tell with a good degree of accuracy whether or not she's going to sleep with me on a short term basis. If not, I'm probably going to deflect her because there's always a bunch of girls out there who are looking for the same thing that I'm looking for. Sometimes it's okay to want no strings sex, that's not at all specific to men. If you get rejected or ignored on that basis, is that really a bad thing? All it means is you're not the right person for one specific agenda at that particular time. Not the end of the world.

That or you're just a bit too fat.

[jmrz]

Okay, so Tommy gives pretty great advice. Telling someone you aren't interested in them is really really hard for a lot of people. I've been in that situation three times since I broke up with my ex and for each one of those I was able to say that I was kind of seeing someone. One of those I bought up casually in conversation (to get rid of a friend I made the mistake of having a one night stand with), another one blatantly told me that he was "pretty interested" in me and that I seemed fairly not interested in him. The third actually asked me straight out how my current love life was and I mentioned I was seeing someone. I just couldn't bring myself to tell any of them that I wasn't actually interested a whole deal because each of them are all decent guys and are quite lovely, yet I didn't want to upset them or seem like a horrible person and just took the easy way out kind of?


Anyway, relationship advice is something I need.

So, I'm kind of sort of seeing someone. We used to work together, got chatting again after I broke up with my ex, chatting turned into flirting and flirting turned into us making out. We talked about it all before we got too into it and basically agreed that it was entirely no-strings-attached as I'd just broken up with my ex and didn't particularly want to jump straight into another relationship after a few long term ones over the past few years.

After a few weeks I pretty much told him that I did like him and didn't want to make things weird. We talked about actually dating and seeing how things went and whatever, but not particularly telling everyone we knew that we were A Couple. This was great! We both seemed to be happy with this option. The next time I see him (later on that week I think), he tells me that he doesn't want to do the Serious Relationship thing, doesn't want to make things weird and can we keep things as they are? I am a touch disappointed but was all "this is okay, I mean, I'm coming from long term relationship after long term relationship, keeping things as they are is good with me, and besides, it's not like either of us are out looking for anyone else right now" he agreed and we just left it at that.

So, fast forward to now, which is about three months since this started. We talk pretty much every day, he'll send me random texts if we haven't talked in a while to tell me about his day, see how my day was. He's constantly seeing what I'm up to that night and wanting me to come over etc. We hang out every Friday which basically involves watching him play indoor soccer (he plays with his brother and friends, so I sit with their gf's and chat), then we all grab dinner, then we watch a movie and sexytimes ensue). He never wants me to go home and I basically end up getting home at ridiculous hours.

I've had dinner with his Mum and family a couple of times and we get along well. He's cuddly and affectionate with me in front of family and his mum has referred to me, to him, as "your girl".

Basically, the way I see the whole thing is as a 'pseudo-relationship' I guess. I mean, we talk pretty much every day, we get along really well (more so lately, things are starting to feel more relaxed/different/better) and neither of us are with anyone else (that I know of).

It all sounds kind of wonderful and fantastic, because it's the relationship you're having when you aren't having one - all the great bits without the drama almost. Except, I kind of think I might kind of maybe love him? And I can't really tell him that because he didn't want to do the Serious Relationship, but it feels like that's what it is anyway, but I don't want to Ruin Everything Forever.

I dunno, I guess I kind of just want to figure out whether or not he's actually in this for ME or whether he's in it until something else comes along. I don't think it's the second option, he really really doesn't seem like that kind of guy, but things people have mentioned in regards to this kind of situation make me doubt things and all.

[tania]

I just couldn't bring myself to tell any of them that I wasn't actually interested a whole deal because each of them are all decent guys and are quite lovely, yet I didn't want to upset them or seem like a horrible person and just took the easy way out kind of?

you still gave them a response, though, which is a huge step up imo from the easiest way out, that of completely avoiding any kind of response altogether.

re: maiada's situation - wanting to avoid confrontation is a natural response, actually making the physical effort to avoid it at all times isn't. part of being a mature adult who has relationships with other people is knowing when to stop avoiding problems and be considerate toward others, even if it sucks and involves having to go through the effort of providing an explanation and feeling guilty and all that fun stuff. the guy probably isn't just an oblivious space case since the only time he seems to conveniently forget to respond to text messages is when they involve the subject of arranging a date to hang out. excluding instances of being busy/being oblivious/etc  and counting only those where a person deliberately and repeatedly avoids confrontation when it involves the feelings of other people, i think it's a pretty self-centered dick move nearly any way you look at it.

[iamiam]

guys i know i probably sound really melodramatic and sad, but it's mostly exaggeration for humorous effect (which i apparently failed at).  i haven't actually been rejected.  i think you have to actually ask someone out and clarify your feelings for them before that can happen?

what has happened is this: first,  he casually asks me "out" for hang outs repeatedly, and is the one to suggest establishing concrete plans. i accept and agree with this idea.  he then suddenly goes from initiator to totally unresponsive.  (does this technically mean that he totally rejected himself?)

this is sort of weird right?  let's put aside any romantic notions whatsoever.  why would you seemingly really want to be friends with someone and then suddenly stop caring at all?

that was a rhetorical question, because you've all pretty much given your answers and thank you for that.  reading your responses was interesting.   however, i don't actually need a pep talk because even though i may insist that 'my heart is broken because the man i am totally in love doesn't love me back and that's sooo not fair', i actually don't mean it.  thanks for the advice anyways.

[Jaclyn]

Guys help I think I am in love with a piece of furniture.

[KvP]

I'm going to assume you mean you're in love with furniture the same way Mai is in love with with shoes or I'm in love with the Roland TB-303, not that you're actually an objectum sexual.

Because that would be odd.

[Reed]

John, why you gotta hate on those that are different from you?

[Eris]

If you try and be more like a piece of furniture then it might begin to have feelings for you. Then tell it how you feel. If you get no response then it obviously hates you and you should kill yourself.

[Masterbainter]

do I emit a pheromone that girls find attractive, while I have a girlfriend?

Because when i'm single it seems like girls dont' naturally flock around me like they do when I am with someone. 

or is it the gas I get from eating buffolo wings?

[Jimmy the Squid]

It's probably that having a girlfriend tends to alert other girls that you're probably an ok kind of guy. Evidently this means that without that added lure girls tend to think you're a jerk.

[Masterbainter]

you're probably right.  I almost wonder if guys/girls with a significant other also tend to carry themselfs more confidently which is attractive to the opposite(same?) sex.

It's just one of those things that always bugged me.

[Jimmy the Squid]

From what I've read and remember from my psychology degrees it's partly the confidence, partly the way you interact (they know you have a girlfriend so you're being friendly because you're nice, not because you want to fuck) and partly that it's an advertisement that you're not a total cockbiscuit. The ones who are just flirty are doing it because they can flirt and it doesn't matter because you're taken, other's who have a motive of stealing you away from your significant other fail to realise that if you're willing to cheat with them then you'd probably be willing to cheat on them.

[Masterbainter]

edit: nevermind, i'm not sure, however i'm quite positive what I just typed previously made no sense....

p.s. i'm extremely tired from having no sleep 

[axerton]

New boy story

Hahahahah


hahahahah

[axerton]

ok the reason I laugh is that I am in a pertty much identical situation. except that we're both kind of in the 'I'm not sure if we want to make it more serious'

that and I kind of repeatedly talk about other girls

Edit: I thought I better post something before someone came along and thought I was just being an arse by laughing.

so to continue, theres really not a lot of advice that can be given to you for this situation. is he at least consistent with his messages. one of the hardest things we have both found is our accidental tendancies to give mixed messages. If he does too then mention it, it tends to lead to fairly un awkward converstions about it.

I figure I should be able to talk more about this, but am feeling particularly ineloquent right now.

[Lines]

what has happened is this: first,  he casually asks me "out" for hang outs repeatedly, and is the one to suggest establishing concrete plans. i accept and agree with this idea.  he then suddenly goes from initiator to totally unresponsive. 

This. This is really annoying.

[jmrz]

I speculate that you don't have a problem. If a dude lets you meet his family, he's probably pretty interested.

I suspect that if you keep playing it casual it's going to naturally become not casual soon enough.

To be fair, his housemates are his brother and his brother's girlfriend. His mum lives in a flat that is kind of attached to their house but separate. Although I suppose he never had to INVITE me to dinner.

ok the reason I laugh is that I am in a pertty much identical situation. except that we're both kind of in the 'I'm not sure if we want to make it more serious' that and I kind of repeatedly talk about other girls. so to continue, theres really not a lot of advice that can be given to you for this situation. is he at least consistent with his messages. one of the hardest things we have both found is our accidental tendancies to give mixed messages. If he does too then mention it, it tends to lead to fairly un awkward converstions about it.

See, I guess I can kind of see myself dating this guy long term. We get along really well, we used to work together, so I know what he's like around other people etc. We can actually TALK to each other and I can say absurdly geeky things and instead of him thinking I'm weird or crazy, he actually appreciates it and continues the joke with me. I also trusted him instantly around me. Normally, with most people I have a huge personal space bubble thing going on. Even with the last few guys I've dated, they couldn't even get near me sometimes without me freaking out (i.e. if they tried to kiss my neck or if they snuck up behind me and hugged me) - this doesn't happen with this guy and it surprised me, because this NEVER HAPPENS. I am huge on my personal space and if someone invades it they damn well know it, but that didn't happen at all here.

The whole thing is kind of great, except for the fact that it's not... solid. It doesn't seem like a definite to me. He could meet some amazingly wonderful girl tomorrow and ignore me entirely and because things aren't official, then he could do so freely.

One of my friends asked me the other day (actually, one of the guys who has shown interest in dating me, who asked me how my love life was going), whether I would be upset if he started dating someone else. I sat there for five minutes debating whether the 'yes' I'd instantly typed out and not sent was the right answer or not. Yes, I would upset. I would be pretty damn devastated if he did. I just don't know whether I can tell him that without fucking things up. Because things ARE great. But this is not how things usually go with me, I hate not knowing.

So I mean, I don't know. I can't remember how long it's been since we had the last talk, my guess would be about a month and a half? I just do not want to fuck it over by being all "yes you're amazing and I'm pretty damn sure I love you and why the ever loving fuck aren't we dating official like yet?!", because that might just freak him out a little?





(And yeah, this is all kind of a bit ranty but it kind of helps to blurt it all out because it's clearly not something I feel comfortable telling HIM right now.