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Author Topic: Bedazzled thread  (Read 28366 times)

Tom

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #100 on: 17 Jun 2009, 03:43 »

You live a rich and fulfilling life of victory on and off the track, everybody knows you and wants you without ever loving you. You live fast but die old at the age of 90 in a 5-motorized wheelchair pile up, your passing goes unmourned.
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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #101 on: 17 Jun 2009, 03:46 »

You wish for nothing - and you get it and starve to death...

I wish aging wasn't so depressing at times.
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"Being human, having your health; that's what's important."  (from: Magical Shopping Arcade Abenobashi )
"As long as we're all living, and as long as we're all having fun, that should do it, right?"  (from: The Eccentric Family )

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #102 on: 17 Jun 2009, 04:44 »

Aging feels awesome. That's because you've become senile, and don't remember anything. In fact, you don't even remember that you have to take off your pants to shit. You shit in your house covered in your own feces, and go to the shop to buy bread fifteen times a day. Finally your children find out and send you to an institution. You live your final days drugged down in a corner; the medical budget has been cut again.

I wish George would get his ass around and finish his Song of Ice and Fire.
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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #103 on: 17 Jun 2009, 09:18 »

He rushes the completion of the series and disappoints millions of fans leading to his suicide and the depression of said fans.



I wish i could afford to go on holiday.
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He even really sponsored terrorism! Libya's like Opposite-Iraq, where all the lies are true!

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #104 on: 17 Jun 2009, 09:39 »

You go on holiday to the mountains of Columbia. You are abducted by the cartels and forced to become a mule, smuggling thousands of dollars of cocaine up into America in your colon.

I wish I had perfect health
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Quote from: meebo
[22:49] Quietus: I'm personally imagining a white supremacist locked in his basement, furtively listening to Parliament on headphones
[22:49] Quietus: "Oh, lawd, why must them coons rock me so"

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #105 on: 17 Jun 2009, 09:47 »

You get perfect health as the rest of the world, including your friends and family, start to die of a terrible, unknown disease. Pretty soon, you are the last man standing on Earth, perfectly healthy. You go to the library, with so much time on your hands now, when your glasses fall to the ground and break...

I wish for more wishes.
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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #106 on: 17 Jun 2009, 10:16 »

You get infinite wishes but all other people are informed of this wish and become jealous. To stem this envy you offer to complete all of the people's wishes but eventually grow tired of doing so. When you deny the first person assistance they form an angry mob and you are found the next day face down in the bathtub with the words 'I wish for your wishes' daubed on the wall in blood.



I wish that i had finished my degree.
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He even really sponsored terrorism! Libya's like Opposite-Iraq, where all the lies are true!

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #107 on: 17 Jun 2009, 15:22 »

You finished your degree but failed so badly that you decided to live amongst wolves rather than face the world, the wolves reject you and eat you.

I wish Kurt Cobain was still alive.
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JD

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #108 on: 17 Jun 2009, 15:27 »

Kurt Cobain has been brought back to life. He starts writing music again and his new album is called Unngggghhhh Ragghhh.

I wish I had a kitchen filled with unlimited food(and appliances to cook it with!)
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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #109 on: 17 Jun 2009, 16:29 »

You have unlimited food, but it's all soybeans. 

I wish I didn't get sunburned.
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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #110 on: 17 Jun 2009, 16:50 »

You will never get sunburnt again!


Because the sun has suddenly vanished, meaning life as we know it ceasts to exist!



I wish I was more artistic.
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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #111 on: 17 Jun 2009, 17:10 »

You are Jackson Pollock. But with shit and blood.

I wish I had fishsticks.
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Rizzla: Man... I'm only interested in girls who've had penises.
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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #112 on: 17 Jun 2009, 17:28 »

you have fish sticks that grow on your fish tree, which smells like ass. as a result your neighbors feed you your own kidneys in protest.

I wish Freddy Kreuger was real.
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Well yes but (sorry andy) she doesn't look half as fucking bad ass as this motherfucker in Poland.

Dude is hardcore.

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #113 on: 17 Jun 2009, 17:32 »

Freddy Kreuger is real. Instead of giving you nightmares, he gives you dreams where he makes sweet, tender love to you.


I wish I wasn't smelling so much cat pee.
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Quote from: meebo
[22:49] Quietus: I'm personally imagining a white supremacist locked in his basement, furtively listening to Parliament on headphones
[22:49] Quietus: "Oh, lawd, why must them coons rock me so"

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #114 on: 17 Jun 2009, 17:44 »

Instead of cat pee, it is chloroform. You are later raped.
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Rizzla: Man... I'm only interested in girls who've had penises.
Rizzla: Fuck
Rizzla: I mean girls who have penises.

Liz

Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #115 on: 17 Jun 2009, 20:33 »

I wish Jace knew how this thread worked.
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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #116 on: 17 Jun 2009, 20:54 »

Jace learns the intricate rules of this thread. Not only does he respond to everyone else's wishes, but his own as well.


I wish I had the fly killing skillz of Obama
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Quote from: meebo
[22:49] Quietus: I'm personally imagining a white supremacist locked in his basement, furtively listening to Parliament on headphones
[22:49] Quietus: "Oh, lawd, why must them coons rock me so"

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #117 on: 17 Jun 2009, 23:23 »

I wish Jace knew how this thread worked.

I didn't have any more wishes, everything I ever wanted came true before that post.


You have the fly killing skills of Obama, unfortunately for you, you do not have the secret service to protect you from the crazy right wing extremists, with your last breath, you curse the people shouting that you are a muslin.

I wish War of the Ring wasn't such a terrible game.
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Rizzla: Man... I'm only interested in girls who've had penises.
Rizzla: Fuck
Rizzla: I mean girls who have penises.

Tom

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #118 on: 18 Jun 2009, 00:19 »

The 'greatness' of the game is subjective, you become a mindless super-LotR-fan-dweb who finds total and complete enjoyment in any and all LotR merchandise.
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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #119 on: 18 Jun 2009, 00:42 »

I wish for Tom to make a wish in the spirit of the game.
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snalin

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #120 on: 18 Jun 2009, 06:49 »

His wish is your death. The next poster don't get the game, and murders you.

I wish to die, horribly and painfully.
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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #121 on: 18 Jun 2009, 06:54 »

There is a Hell and because you committed suicide you are transformed into a thorny bush which is torn at by Harpies, for all eternity.

I wish I had lots of pretty clothing
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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #122 on: 18 Jun 2009, 09:49 »

Your clothes are beautiful, by Liberace standards.

I wish I didn't have a scratchy throat.
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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #123 on: 18 Jun 2009, 11:25 »

You don't have a throat at all. You are dead.

I wish I could graduate tomorrow.
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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #124 on: 18 Jun 2009, 11:31 »

Graduation day does come tomorrow. Unfortunately you have spent the last few years in a coma and it doesn't look like your coming out any time soon.

I wish I had some cannabis.
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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #125 on: 18 Jun 2009, 11:33 »

You get cannabis, but it turns out to be laced with PCP. You decide that you are invincible, climb the tallest building around you, and jump off.

I wish I had enough data to publish a paper.
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Quote from: meebo
[22:49] Quietus: I'm personally imagining a white supremacist locked in his basement, furtively listening to Parliament on headphones
[22:49] Quietus: "Oh, lawd, why must them coons rock me so"

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #126 on: 18 Jun 2009, 11:44 »

You suddenly find all the date you need to publish. You find it in a leading science journal in the article just published by your rival who hates you, seeks to destroy you, and is calling to gloat that he published first.

I wish I were on vacation with my partner instead of at work.
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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #127 on: 18 Jun 2009, 11:45 »

You wake up tomorrow to find a ton of data on your computer which you use to write and publish a spectacular paper. The data turns out to be completely fabricated and you end up losing all your professional and academic credibility, and, in extension, the respect and friendship of your peers.

You die many years later, a bitter man who never regained the ability to love. On your tombstone, the following poem:

Paper was written
sure, all the data was forged
but his wish came true.

I wish it would be sunny :(


EDIT: Scooped!

You magically get to go on a last minute vacation with your partner to the Bahamas. While you chill on the beach your partner hooks up with some dude called Dexter, and decides to leave you for Dexter's big swinging penis. You come home to find out there'd been some sort of clerical error and you were, in fact, not on vacation... you were fired.

I still wish it would be sunny.
« Last Edit: 18 Jun 2009, 11:50 by Aimless »
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Ballard

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #128 on: 18 Jun 2009, 13:30 »

It is beautiful and sunny. Your mother just died of a rare cancer.

I wish that my paycheck came today so I could have money for pre-game drinks tonight but it comes tomorrow fffff.
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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #129 on: 18 Jun 2009, 13:51 »

You take out a payday loan from a notorious loan shark, the interest is 8000% percent. You can't pay him back, he makes you suck his dick, because he's a loan shark.

I wish it was 2004 again.
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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #130 on: 18 Jun 2009, 14:02 »

It's 2004 again. You can't help but notice that it's not as good as you remembered. You find little solace in your knowledge that 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, and 2009 are going to be pretty rubbish too.

I wish I could SING.
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Sometimes I think, sometimes I am

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #131 on: 18 Jun 2009, 14:16 »

You can sing beautifully and suddenly find yourself with a four octave range. Unfortunately, in a freak accident, the only musical accompaniment that remains available on planet earth is Microsoft Songsmith.

I wish that the weather forecast for the next week (as well as the last three) wasn't straight thunderstorms.
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Christophe

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #132 on: 18 Jun 2009, 16:36 »

The next week's weather forecast is not straight thunderstorms. Instead, you get three straight weeks of HELLFIRE.

I wish for to eat a good grilled cheese sandwich with bacon. I want the entire sandwich to not affect my health negatively, I don't want any part of it to be cursed, I don't want to die immediately after eating it, I don't the pig the bacon was cut from nor the cow the cheese was milked from to suffer, I don't want any of my friends or family to die as a result of the making or eating of the grilled cheese sandwich with bacon, I don't want an anvil to fall on my head just as I take the first bite, and there had better be some fucking crust on the thing. I am not twelve and the sight of crust on my grilled cheese sandwich will not cause the fall of Western Civilization.
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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #133 on: 18 Jun 2009, 17:13 »

the anvil falls and misses your head as you take your first bite, unfortunately, it crushes your nutsack

I wish there was a cure for cancer that was cheap and available to all human beings
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Well yes but (sorry andy) she doesn't look half as fucking bad ass as this motherfucker in Poland.

Dude is hardcore.

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #134 on: 18 Jun 2009, 17:17 »

There is!  The problem with it is that it causes AIDS.

I wish there were nice, cheap apartments to be found in Cambridge in an area that I won't be likely to get mugged/raped.
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Cross-dressing national monuments are always exciting.

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #135 on: 18 Jun 2009, 18:11 »

There are plenty. Unfortunately, they're in Cambridge, England.

I wish someone would bring me breakfast.
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With cake ownership set to C and cake consumption set to K, then C + K = 0.  So indeed as one consumes a cake, one simultaneously deprives oneself of cake ownership. 

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #136 on: 18 Jun 2009, 21:16 »

A young lady in a racy maid outfit brings you breakfast. Said young lady is your first cousin. Your nine year old cousin. Awkwardness ensues and you lose your appetite.

I wish I was eating a chick-fil-a sandwhich and that nothing even remotely bad would come of this wish.
« Last Edit: 18 Jun 2009, 21:26 by 0bsessions »
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I've decided to give up psychology and become a peacock
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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #137 on: 18 Jun 2009, 21:40 »

Nothing remotely bad comes of your interaction with this delicious chick-fil-a concoction.  Unfortunately, nothing remotely good comes of it either.  The whole experience is an exercise in wishy washy mediocre unfeeling.  The sandwich turns into an unremarkable paste in your mouth, but you don't mark it.  The crippling ennui which eventually leads you to alienate all you love and take your own life has already taken root within your helpless psyche.  Though this sounds pretty awful, it's not even remotely bad by your own point of view; it's just remote.

Wish I had better quality clothing QQ
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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #138 on: 18 Jun 2009, 21:53 »

You have an entire new wardrobe of better quality clothing. Unfortunately it is all twelve sizes too big. You feel it would be a waste not to wear them, so you balloon up a couple hundred pounds. You die of a heart attack at age 42, miserable and lonely because of your grotesque lifestyle.

I wish I had nicer abs.
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I've decided to give up psychology and become a peacock
Quote from: Tommydski in Gabbly
JON MADE ME GAY

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #139 on: 18 Jun 2009, 21:56 »

Well, you do!  I've just fitted you up with a great, shiny, new Antilock Braking System.  Clear skies ahead, sir!

I hope my mother, father, brother and dog all have safe, happy, and spiritually fulfilling lives.
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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #140 on: 18 Jun 2009, 21:58 »

They do, despite your sudden and shocking demise at a very young age. Hell, it's almostbecause you died. It's like A Wonderful Life, except everyone is better off without you.

I wish I had telekinesis.
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I've decided to give up psychology and become a peacock
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JON MADE ME GAY

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #141 on: 18 Jun 2009, 22:03 »

You have telekinesis but it is completely uncontrollable and you accidentally use it to detonate all nuclear weapons on the earth. Everyone is now dead.


I wish i could sleep more.
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He even really sponsored terrorism! Libya's like Opposite-Iraq, where all the lies are true!

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #142 on: 18 Jun 2009, 22:20 »

You fall into a coma and your family eventually pulls the plug... after 1 week.

I wish I could see into the water when fishing so so I knew where all the fish were!
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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #143 on: 18 Jun 2009, 22:25 »

You can see into the water because you have fallen into the lake. You scare off all the fish, lose your pants and hit your head on the boat on your way down, knocking yourself unconscious. You drown with your bare ass floating to the surface once you've reached bloat.

I wish I wasn't so bored.
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I've decided to give up psychology and become a peacock
Quote from: Tommydski in Gabbly
JON MADE ME GAY

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #144 on: 18 Jun 2009, 22:35 »

Past relationships show up with children that are yours and the state throws you in prison as you can not pay child support.  Bubba keeps you pretty busy.

I wish I could dance and sing!
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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #145 on: 18 Jun 2009, 22:51 »

You can both dance and sing, you just happen to do both incredibly poorly by most societal standards. No one ever wants to be seen with you, you become a social pariah and you turn to booze for comfort.

I wish I had some tasty strawberry fruit rollups.
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I've decided to give up psychology and become a peacock
Quote from: Tommydski in Gabbly
JON MADE ME GAY

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #146 on: 19 Jun 2009, 01:44 »

You get some tasty strawberry fruit rollups. You realise you can't make yourself eat them, after having read this entire thread. They lie in your cupboard taunting you to the day you move into the nursing-home.

I wish I could play guitar like Mark Knopfler :(
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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #147 on: 19 Jun 2009, 01:48 »

Not only can you play like Mike Knopfler butyou can only play like him, you are doomed to be forever a tribute act. Something that is entirely useless whilest the members of Dire Straits are still alive and playing.

I wish my body didn't absorb mercury.
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Patrick

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #148 on: 19 Jun 2009, 06:08 »

Your body no longer absorbs anything. Sucks for you, now you're gonna die of malnutrition.

I wish I didn't have to actually do anything in order to be clean. Too lazy to shower right now.
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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #149 on: 19 Jun 2009, 06:57 »

An ex comes by and rips your penis of. You are now forever clean, as in "not-sinful".

I wish for caramels and camels and cola-cubicles.
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I am a cowboy / on a steel horse I ride
I am wanted / Dead or alive
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