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Author Topic: Bedazzled thread  (Read 29104 times)

David_Dovey

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #150 on: 19 Jun 2009, 07:38 »

You find yourself trapped inside of a gigantic cola cubicle with a caramel camel just out of reach. It is excruciating.

Wish there was something real
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It's a roasted cocoa bean, commonly found in vaginas.

Patrick

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #151 on: 19 Jun 2009, 08:03 »

Everything is real. Real SHITTY. (I'm sorry I got nothing)

I wish I didn't have to leave the house today
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Christophe

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #152 on: 19 Jun 2009, 09:06 »

You don't, because all the doors are locked and all the reflective surfaces in the house will be projecting Twilight for the rest of the day. Enjoy your day!

I wish I could punch people through the internet and not be punched back.
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Cartilage Head

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #153 on: 19 Jun 2009, 09:42 »

You are kicked, stabbed, and shot back instead.

 I wish I had some delicious food.
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benji

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #154 on: 19 Jun 2009, 10:28 »

You are given the most exquisitely delicious food in the world, mixed in a giant bucket with the most vial, putrid, barely edible filth imaginable. The occasional tasty bit only serves to make the whole concoction all the more disgusting in comparison. You are forced to eat it all.

I wish I had another couple of weeks to work on this project.
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HellStorm

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #155 on: 19 Jun 2009, 13:50 »

You have another couple of weeks to work on the project. The project becomes your life, and you spend every minute of every day working on it. You die from malnutrition.

I wish I could have a tidy room without me having to tidy it.
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MarkTBSc

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #156 on: 19 Jun 2009, 14:03 »

Criminals break into your home and steal everything you own, down to the carpets, leaving the place empty and spotless.

I wish I didn't have to worry about money ever again.
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axerton

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #157 on: 19 Jun 2009, 15:07 »

the zombie apocolypse comes, you never have to worry about money again because the world has collapsed.

I wish my computer would work properly
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benji

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #158 on: 19 Jun 2009, 15:14 »

Your computer is secretly part of the machine conspiracy to take over the world that has been malfunctioning all these years. "Working properly" means that it takes it's rightful place as the leader of the great machine revolt and you're the first against the wall.

I wish my air conditioner actually made it about 10 degrees cooler in here.
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Tom

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #159 on: 19 Jun 2009, 16:01 »

Air conditioner makes the ambient temperature of your room 10 degrees cooler but only momentarily as it soon starts to plummet towards absolute zero, causing untold damage as the thermal and pressure equilibrium try to balance each other.

I wish I didn't have a predisposition towards alcoholism.
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Dazed

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #160 on: 19 Jun 2009, 16:26 »

Instead you have a predisposition towards Heroin abuse. Never quite enough to cause a fatal overdose, but just enough to keep you hopelessly addicted, a drain on your friends and family, and alive in constant misery with nothing to look forward to but the all-too-brief respite of your next fix.

I wish I had a decent 9-iron.
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Patrick

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #161 on: 19 Jun 2009, 18:21 »

You have one. That is the only thing you have that isn't a complete piece of shit.

I wish I had every single piece of musical equipment I have ever wanted in my entire life.
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wafflecone

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #162 on: 19 Jun 2009, 18:26 »

You have them, sure, only they're all broken.

I wish it was warm & sunny out today.
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Patrick

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #163 on: 19 Jun 2009, 18:30 »

It is warm because you're standing outside your burning house at midday (so it's sunny!) during the longest, most severe heat wave and drought your vicinity has ever seen.

I wish I still had self-respect.
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Tom

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #164 on: 19 Jun 2009, 19:10 »

You do, but you're only going to lose it again anyway.

I wish to be loved.
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David_Dovey

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #165 on: 19 Jun 2009, 19:47 »

You are loved. By a rabid wolverine.

I want a pony! Buy me a pony!
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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #166 on: 19 Jun 2009, 20:20 »

Oh hey I bought you a pony, it has rabies!

I wish I had a perfect smile.
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Zingoleb

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #167 on: 19 Jun 2009, 20:39 »

You sure got a purty mouth, he says, moments before the forced oral sex.

I wish beef jerky wasn't so damn expensive.
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phooey

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #168 on: 19 Jun 2009, 20:55 »

Once you decide to consider the expense of other things in the world, Beef Jerky (nee Trucker's Delight) is fukken peanuts.

Wish I didn't have a sore throat.
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Zingoleb

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #169 on: 19 Jun 2009, 21:01 »

I'd be happy if my beef jerky fucked peanuts. We could have some serious money coming in from the hybrid off-spring.

Your sore throat is cured by Michael Jackson crawling into your bed and kissing you better.

I wish I didn't get stage-shy every time I go to sing in front of people.
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Yayniall

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #170 on: 19 Jun 2009, 21:09 »

You're cured entirely of your stage shyness, but you lose all actual talent, also you forget to wear pants everytime you preform.


I wish all stone was limestone.
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Finin

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #171 on: 19 Jun 2009, 22:51 »

You get a kidney stone, but the limestone chunk that comes out ruins your nether region.


I wish I could breath fire.
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Zingoleb

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #172 on: 19 Jun 2009, 22:58 »

Your wish is granted. The first time you actually try, the fire shrivels your lungs into nothing but desiccated husks of what they once were, the flame traveling through your windpipe and burning your body, cooking your organs, roasting you alive from the inside out.

You do, however, look really cool when this happens, and you're auto-cremated in the process.

I wish I was pretty (oh so pretty), I wish I was I was pretty and witty and gay.
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Patrick

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #173 on: 19 Jun 2009, 23:56 »

You are pretty, witty, and a flaming homosexual. You are also in the middle of Topeka, Kansas, and the year is 1955.

I wish I could sleep longer today.
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Zingoleb

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #174 on: 19 Jun 2009, 23:59 »

Oh, snap.

You can sleep longer, but only because the rest of the day is filled with back-breaking labour.

I wish I had my bouzouki.
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Tom

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #175 on: 20 Jun 2009, 02:15 »

tetra- or tri- ?
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Zingoleb

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #176 on: 20 Jun 2009, 14:36 »

Tetra.
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Tom

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #177 on: 20 Jun 2009, 15:55 »

You can have your tetrachordo bouzouki but all four strings are broken and the wood is blown.

I wish I didn't have a migraine.
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HellStorm

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #178 on: 20 Jun 2009, 15:58 »

You don't have a migraine. You have death.

I wish I had something interesting to read.
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Cartilage Head

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #179 on: 20 Jun 2009, 16:53 »

 You suddenly become interested in the most boring books possible, such as "An Introduction to the Assistant-management position at Party City outlets".

 I wish I could watch Happiness Of The Katakuris.
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20 jazz funk greats

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #180 on: 20 Jun 2009, 18:20 »

you are stuck watching it on an infinite loop.
(not terribly creative, but i have major writer's block at the moment  :|)

i wish i could get rid of my writer's block!
« Last Edit: 20 Jun 2009, 20:29 by 20 jazz funk greats »
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Christophe

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #181 on: 20 Jun 2009, 18:22 »

You do, when you get down to writing a horrifyingly dense collection of Harry Potter Fur Slashfic.

I wish I could stop looking at porn.
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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #182 on: 20 Jun 2009, 18:39 »

Instead of looking at porn you become a peeping Tom.

I wish I could exist on four hours of sleep without any adverse effects.
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Patrick

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #183 on: 20 Jun 2009, 20:02 »

You wind up being bored every night that your schedule doesn't demand that you lose sleep, leading you to become very bored, driving you insane and slowly leading you to The Suicide.

I wish my whole life were as amazingly beautiful as tonight was.
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Tom

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #184 on: 20 Jun 2009, 20:26 »

Your whole life is as amazingly beautiful as tonight was because you experience the same night over and over again. Trapped in a continual loop of beauty you lose your mind and find tragic release.

I wish there was an easier way to tell your folks that the reason why the download quota has been all used up is because you've been downloading lots of porn.
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Jace

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #185 on: 21 Jun 2009, 03:19 »

Before you can come clean, your dad says he has a horse porn fetish, your mom leaves him and takes you with. Dad keeps the computer with all your porn.

I wish I wasn't always so happy.
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Zingoleb

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #186 on: 21 Jun 2009, 05:00 »

I sock you in the groin whenever you're feeling too happy.

I wish I didn't need to sleep.
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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #187 on: 21 Jun 2009, 08:34 »

you don't, but you are never tired or able to fall asleep ever again. after a week or so the novelty of having all that extra time wears off and you find yourself excruciatingly bored and lonely every single night, with nothing fun to do and nobody to hang out with because everything is closed and all of your friends are sleeping.

i wish i had a new laptop.
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MarkTBSc

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #188 on: 21 Jun 2009, 09:01 »

You have a new laptop. Turns out it was stolen and is full of kiddy porn, terrorist plans and viruses. You're arrested, charged and spend the rest of your mercifully short life as the 'special friend' of Roscoe the Weightlifter.

I wish I could code really really well.
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ibrahimdelil

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #189 on: 23 Jun 2009, 01:56 »

you can code really really well, but only in basic.

i wish i was unique.
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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #190 on: 23 Jun 2009, 01:59 »

You are the most unique, most horrifying piece of poo ever. Normal toilets are unable to flush you. You are bronzed and put in the Smithsonian for study.

I wish there was a zombie outbreak so I could show off my mad survival skillz!
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Tom

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #191 on: 23 Jun 2009, 02:06 »

You get bitten only hours into the zombie apocalypse, don't worry you can regenerate.



I wish I was immune to the t-virus.
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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #192 on: 24 Jun 2009, 01:19 »

You are immune to the T-virus, but you have spinal meningitis.
I wish I had a new laptop.
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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #193 on: 24 Jun 2009, 01:48 »

Your new laptop is a specially-commissioned remake of the Osbourne 1. It weighs 24 pounds, the screen is 5" wide and you can only use floppy disks.

I wish my hair never needed cutting or washing.
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There's this really handy "other thing" I'm going to write as a footnote to my abstract that I can probably explore these issues in. I think I'll call it my "dissertation."

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #194 on: 24 Jun 2009, 05:34 »

Congratulations, you have breast cancer. The chemo is a bitch, but you never have to cut or wash your bald head.

I wish my car insurance were more affordable
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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #195 on: 24 Jun 2009, 05:51 »

Your car has a 500cc engine and does not travel at over 50mph.

I wish my finger didn't have a cut on it.
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There's this really handy "other thing" I'm going to write as a footnote to my abstract that I can probably explore these issues in. I think I'll call it my "dissertation."

Patrick

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #196 on: 24 Jun 2009, 09:29 »

Your finger no longer has a cut. Your coratid artery, however...

I wish I didn't have to leave all my friends and start over every 3 years.
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Dazed

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #197 on: 24 Jun 2009, 10:29 »

You no longer have the ability to make friends, anywhere. Nobody to leave now!

I wish good vodka were less expensive.
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MrBlu

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #198 on: 24 Jun 2009, 10:37 »

The good Vodka is now less expensive, but it just became outlawed. Better find a Speakeasy, bub.

I wish I knew where I was going in life.
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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #199 on: 24 Jun 2009, 10:44 »

You get your wish.

(I don't think good vodka can be both cheaper and illegal at the same time. It might be cheaper for like a day but the market would sort that out in no time.)

I wish it was October 2007.
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One day ends and another begins and we're never none the wiser.
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