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Author Topic: Bedazzled thread  (Read 29132 times)

Patrick

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #200 on: 24 Jun 2009, 11:09 »

It is forever October 2007. The California wildfires are never, ever going to stop, and have fun reading about how pissed Syria (and basically everybody else) is about Israel conducting air strikes. Oh, and Bush is still in office. FOREVER.

I wish I had enough money to get the shit I need to get right now.
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My long-dead band Troubador! licks your gentlemen's legumes on the cheap

Jace

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #201 on: 24 Jun 2009, 17:09 »

You have enough money, but all you get is shit, everything you touch turns into feces, sometimes it is human, sometimes it is animal, it's a crap shoot.

I wish I hadn't made that pun.
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Rizzla: Man... I'm only interested in girls who've had penises.
Rizzla: Fuck
Rizzla: I mean girls who have penises.

Lila

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #202 on: 24 Jun 2009, 19:02 »

You didn't make that pun, you posted a dead baby joke to which everyone replies OH NO THAT'S NOT FUNNY HATE HATE and there's internet drama for a few pages on an unrelated thread.

I wish I could just separate myself from all of my drama-causing friends.
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You know as much about Shakespeare as a chicken knows about tic-tac-toe!

nobo

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #203 on: 24 Jun 2009, 19:37 »

congrats, you now have no friends

I wish it was the weekend
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Well yes but (sorry andy) she doesn't look half as fucking bad ass as this motherfucker in Poland.

Dude is hardcore.

Christophe

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #204 on: 24 Jun 2009, 19:42 »

It is the weekend, forever. You never get to go to work and thus have money, and die a penniless fool.

I wish my penis was a sub sandwich.
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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #205 on: 24 Jun 2009, 19:43 »

It is. after a day, you realize that you have no way to pee. your bladder explodes.

I wish my sleep schedule was back to normal.
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You know as much about Shakespeare as a chicken knows about tic-tac-toe!

Aurjay

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #206 on: 24 Jun 2009, 19:47 »

your sleep schedule is back to normal cuz you never go anywhere or have anything to do but sleep. you die of boredom.

I wish i was 21 again.
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Your mind is like a parachute. It only works when it's open.

Patrick

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #207 on: 25 Jun 2009, 06:07 »

You are stuck being 21 for all of eternity. Lovers grow old, while you don't age a day. You see friends, family, loved ones die, while never tasting the flavor of a natural death, which would be made sweet by the pain of your eternal, constant loss. Slowly, over the course of the centuries, you go mad, and eventually shoot yourself in the head.

I wish I had something to do right now.
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My long-dead band Troubador! licks your gentlemen's legumes on the cheap

Yayniall

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #208 on: 25 Jun 2009, 06:13 »

You rekindle your love of anal masturbation but you hand gets stuck that way. FOREVER.


I wish for no more war.
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MarkTBSc

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #209 on: 25 Jun 2009, 11:34 »

The Paxillon-B hydrochlorate the Alliance added to the atmosphere processors worked. People stopped fighting and soon, they stopped everything else. They stopped eating, working... Living. They all just laid down and died. All except for one tenth of a percent of cases where they all went mad!

So... Yeah. War is over but everyone just gives up and dies and now we have Reavers.

If they catch you they'll rape you to death, eat your flesh and sew your skin into their clothing. If you're very very lucky, they'll do it in that order.

I wish Firefly had stuck around for more than half a season.
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snalin

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #210 on: 25 Jun 2009, 11:46 »

The second series of Firefly was absolute, horrifying SHIT, and got more popular than Lost and 24 combined. All your friends is talking about is the second season of Firefly, and to have any social contact, you have to suffer your way through horrifying hours of the new director's butchery of the old series.

I wish I hadn't lost my keys.
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I am a cowboy / on a steel horse I ride
I am wanted / Dead or alive

allison

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #211 on: 25 Jun 2009, 11:55 »

You didn't lose your keys, but you lost your house, all your worldly possessions and your lover in the fire. With nothing left to live for, you throw yourself off a bridge with your keys still in your pocket.

I wish I could go home from work and Skype and sleep.
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Quote
[00:30] KharBevNor: Crawling undead terrorcocks

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #212 on: 25 Jun 2009, 12:04 »

You get a call over skype. It's someone saying "hello there". You notice a reflection in the corner of your eye, and outside the window, you see the mad rapist (as the media later names him) with a mobile phone in one hand, and an axe in the other. "Would you care to get to know mister Axy-baxy here?", he continues.

I wish that I, as Allison presumed, had a lover to loose.
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I am a cowboy / on a steel horse I ride
I am wanted / Dead or alive

Patrick

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #213 on: 25 Jun 2009, 14:44 »

You have a lover so loose (your typos are your own fault, dude) that it is like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.

I wish I didn't have to lose my lover in two weeks.
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nobo

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #214 on: 25 Jun 2009, 16:01 »

you lost your lover a few weeks ago, to another man, me.

i wish finding a job in detroit was easier.
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Well yes but (sorry andy) she doesn't look half as fucking bad ass as this motherfucker in Poland.

Dude is hardcore.

allison

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #215 on: 25 Jun 2009, 16:09 »

It is, but you have to wear clear heels and a mesh crop-top, and let some unsavoury types call you "Bunny."

I wish the cool people I met on the internets were not so far away!
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Quote
[00:30] KharBevNor: Crawling undead terrorcocks

Yayniall

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #216 on: 25 Jun 2009, 16:12 »

The cool people you meet on the internet aren't far away, they're your parents.

I wish Will Smith from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air was my best friend.
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NotAFanOfFenders

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #217 on: 26 Jun 2009, 16:11 »

You're his 'special' friend. forever.

 I wish my brand new guitar wasn't fucked.
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Scrambled Egg Machine

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #218 on: 26 Jun 2009, 16:59 »

Your brand new guitar is functioning, but it was purchased from Wal-mart for about $100.
I wish I had more good books to read.
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Not so sure about these things anymore.

Ozymandias

Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #219 on: 26 Jun 2009, 17:06 »

You have all the best books in the world to read and all the time in the world to do so. Unfortunately, you're blind.

...

And your fingers fall off.

I wish for the best possible wish that is not this wish to be granted for me.

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You are 9/11.
You are the terrorist.

Yayniall

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #220 on: 26 Jun 2009, 17:24 »

All of humanity is enslaved by giant cockroaches, well it's the best wish for the giant cockroaches anyway.

I wish I was a punk rocker (with flowers in my hair)
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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #221 on: 26 Jun 2009, 17:57 »

Sure, but silly people like me aren't going to get the reference and you'll always have to explaiiiin.

I wish I could afford to travel lots.


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ledhendrix

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #222 on: 27 Jun 2009, 03:41 »

You have as much money as you need. Unfortunately you tripped over the kerb the other day, landed on your spine at an awkward angle and you will be bed ridden for the rest of your life.

I wish I had artistic talent.
« Last Edit: 27 Jun 2009, 03:43 by ledhendrix »
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Get off my land

Patrick

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #223 on: 27 Jun 2009, 04:49 »

You can make great sculptures but the only medium you know how to work with is cow shit.

I wish I had more time here.
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My long-dead band Troubador! licks your gentlemen's legumes on the cheap

ledhendrix

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #224 on: 27 Jun 2009, 04:53 »

You get more time. One second to be precise, you had better savour it.

I wish my brunch would cook quicker.
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Get off my land

Caleb

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #225 on: 27 Jun 2009, 06:42 »

The hadron collider at Cern causes the earth to be knocked out of it's normal orbital rotation.  We swerve closer to the sun.  Everything on this planet (including your brunch) is cooked to ash in a matter of seconds.

I wish I was able to control people's thoughts.
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NotAFanOfFenders

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #226 on: 27 Jun 2009, 07:33 »

You can, but not your own thoughts, causing you to commit suicide because of your horrible fetishes

I wish i had a proper wish to wish.
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Finin

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #227 on: 29 Jun 2009, 11:57 »

You think of a proper wish, buts it's on your death bed and you die before you can utter your wish.



I wish I was a space explorer.
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Patrick

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #228 on: 29 Jun 2009, 15:37 »

You are now Laika.

I wish I could write decent lyrics
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My long-dead band Troubador! licks your gentlemen's legumes on the cheap

rynne

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #229 on: 29 Jun 2009, 18:03 »

You can write decent lyrics in Linear A.  Sadly, no living person can read them.

I wish for my wish to have no bad effect on anyone or anything.
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When Kleiner showed me the sky-line of New York, I told him that man is like the coral insect---designed to build vast, beautiful, mineral things for the moonlight to delight in after he is dead. - H.P. Lovecraft

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #230 on: 29 Jun 2009, 18:10 »

Your wish almost killed this thread.



I wish I could play the tuba really well withough practicing.
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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #231 on: 29 Jun 2009, 18:43 »

You play tuba exquisitely.  You also have a disorder where low-frequency sounds cause you to lose control of your bowels.

I wish to experience perfect contentment at my death.

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When Kleiner showed me the sky-line of New York, I told him that man is like the coral insect---designed to build vast, beautiful, mineral things for the moonlight to delight in after he is dead. - H.P. Lovecraft

tinysmidgen

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #232 on: 29 Jun 2009, 20:31 »

You die happy but find that after you die, you must experience the worst memories of your life/past lives (if you partake in such a belief). The catch? The memories that you must experience are only one, regardless of you or your past lives having done it, sexual actions with your grandmother's corpse.

I wish I would be accepted, and if not accepted, not disliked.
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A raptor with a sword should never be trusted, even if the raptor doesn't have thumbs.

Zingoleb

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #233 on: 29 Jun 2009, 20:55 »

You are accepted as the sex slave for a group of rabid porcupines. Be careful, they bite.

I wish I could do a duet with Emmylou Harris.
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pharmmajor

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #234 on: 29 Jun 2009, 21:29 »


I wish I could do a duet with Emmylou Harris.

When you arrive to do your piece, a practical joker gives you a leather jacket. Ms. Harris, an active member of PETA, proceeds to beat you senseless after the duet.

I wish I could get one of my novels published.
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Zingoleb

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #235 on: 29 Jun 2009, 21:31 »

Oh god I did not know she was in PETA.

Oh man this is a sad thing.

Anyways.

Your novels are published in 12-part series in Hustler magazines.

 I wish PETA wasn't so wackjob crazy.
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Patrick

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #236 on: 30 Jun 2009, 11:26 »

I attempt to grant your wish, but it's fucking impossible. That is how I corrupt your wish.

I wish I could come back and visit whenever I wanted.
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My long-dead band Troubador! licks your gentlemen's legumes on the cheap

Masterbainter

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #237 on: 01 Jul 2009, 00:34 »

You do, but as a vibrator.  Your mom purchases you at an adult entertainment store...  Visit successful.

I wish I had some motivation in life.
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Hey guys let me tell you about my intercourses.

My intercourses, let me tell you about them.

HellStorm

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #238 on: 01 Jul 2009, 00:48 »

You are motivated. To jump off a bridge.

I wish I wasn't so sunburnt.
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Thomas Edison

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #239 on: 01 Jul 2009, 01:21 »

You lose your skin. Sunburn gone!


I wish I didn't have to work nine hour shifts when the weather is nice.
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Quote from: Patrick
I am pretty miserable at going down on a lady

Quote from: Khar
I can't really work out in my head why it's not cool to bone your sister as long as you don't make babies

HellStorm

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #240 on: 01 Jul 2009, 01:47 »

You have to work 23 hour shifts instead.

I wish this couch was comfier.
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Masterbainter

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #241 on: 01 Jul 2009, 02:25 »

option 1:  It is.  In fact it's so much more comfier that you are unable to get up.  It's like an addiction that you can't leave.  You become larthargic and Obese on your couch.  Why should you move when your roommate will bring you food.  It's not like you're out doing bad things, right?  Your significant other eventually tires of your waste of time.  Your roommate gets married and moves out.  If you had children they mock you, and not even behind your back.  You become sad and depressed.  You want to end your life.  That would of course mean you'd have to get up and somehow kill yourself.  You live a long extremely lonely and boring life sitting there on your couch.  
(I know I'm breaking the rules, but..)
option 2:  there is a dildo glued to the cushion.  You somehow find that this is comfier.  You sick bastard!

I wish I had scooby doo snacks
« Last Edit: 01 Jul 2009, 02:27 by Masterbainter »
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Hey guys let me tell you about my intercourses.

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Thomas Edison

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #242 on: 01 Jul 2009, 02:29 »

You have Scooby Doo Snacks!

I poisoned them.

You'll die soon.



I wish I was snowboarding right now.
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Quote from: Patrick
I am pretty miserable at going down on a lady

Quote from: Khar
I can't really work out in my head why it's not cool to bone your sister as long as you don't make babies

Masterbainter

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #243 on: 01 Jul 2009, 02:54 »

You are snowboarding.  It's on Mt Everest.  You only have a snowboard.  You're a frozen corpse snowboarding down a mountain.

I wish for infinite intelligence.
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Dollface

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #244 on: 01 Jul 2009, 03:59 »

Knowing everything drives you over the edge and you spend rest of your life in padded cell, wearing straightjacket and shitting in your pants.

I wish that that i wasnt so shy and timid when talking to girls.
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Barfy: he needs to get on the sucking of some dick

Masterbainter

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #245 on: 01 Jul 2009, 04:11 »

You become overly confident and cocky.  All girls think your a jackhole, which in soceity is actually sought after by the female counterpart.  However, you end up attracting a girl who is 13 and she looks older but lies about her age.  You end up in prison.  Your lawyer is a girl, you can keep using your new skills to talk to her.

I wish I paid that speeding ticket in febuary.
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Hey guys let me tell you about my intercourses.

My intercourses, let me tell you about them.

HellStorm

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #246 on: 04 Jul 2009, 02:11 »

You did pay for it. You got sent to jail for hitting a small child whilst speeding, and you 'paid for it' with that pretty little mouth of yours.

I wish I wasn't so gosh darn nervous.
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Patrick

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #247 on: 04 Jul 2009, 04:46 »

You're not. You're MORE nervous. Congrats, you piss yourself at the sight of sunlight as it enters a room.

I wish I didn't actually have to put physical labor into packing things.
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My long-dead band Troubador! licks your gentlemen's legumes on the cheap

Josefbugman

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #248 on: 04 Jul 2009, 05:02 »

You gain tremendous telekinetic powers that allows you to move stuff withpout physical effort, unfortunatly doing so causes a tumour to grow in your brain.

I wish that I could become one with the universe.
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Oddly enough the "oh no boobs!" box in the background of todays comic is my usual reaction.

Patrick

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Re: Bedazzled thread
« Reply #249 on: 04 Jul 2009, 05:26 »

Eh, I started smoking a couple months ago, gonna die of cancer anyway. This way I come out on top.

(gonna leave your wish for somebody else so's I don't overwhelm the thread with too much of my crap, I've been doing that in threads lately)
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My long-dead band Troubador! licks your gentlemen's legumes on the cheap
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