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Author Topic: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)  (Read 91376 times)

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Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #100 on: 06 Dec 2009, 18:48 »

...

Hehehehehe.
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Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #101 on: 06 Dec 2009, 19:02 »

Dibs on the first one because it looks less like Edward and more like Andrew from the Buffy comics.

(don't look at me like that)
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Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #102 on: 06 Dec 2009, 20:50 »

Those poor morons

What happens in ten years when their brains actually start working again?
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Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #103 on: 06 Dec 2009, 20:55 »

"Again"?
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Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #104 on: 06 Dec 2009, 21:04 »

"Working"?
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Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #105 on: 06 Dec 2009, 21:07 »

"Ten"?
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Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #106 on: 06 Dec 2009, 22:23 »

I'm starting to feel like the backlash is more tedious than the films and books could possibly be.
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scarred

Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #107 on: 07 Dec 2009, 00:43 »

Read the first chapter!

If you dare.


Quote from: excerpt of the excerpt
I didn't sleep well that night, even after I was done crying. The constant whooshing of the rain and wind across the roof wouldn't fade into the background. I pulled the faded old quilt over my head, and later added the pillow, too. But I couldn't fall asleep until after midnight, when the rain finally settled into a quieter drizzle.

Thick fog was all I could see out my window in the morning, and I could feel the claustrophobia creeping up on me. You could never see the sky here; it was like a cage.

Breakfast with Charlie was a quiet event. He wished me good luck at school. I thanked him, knowing his hope was wasted. Good luck tended to avoid me. Charlie left first, off to the police station that was his wife and family. After he left, I sat at the old square oak table in one of the three unmatching chairs and examined his small kitchen, with its dark paneled walls, bright yellow cabinets, and white linoleum floor. Nothing was changed. My mother had painted the cabinets eighteen years ago in an attempt to bring some sunshine into the house. Over the small fireplace in the adjoining handkerchief-sized family room was a row of pictures. First a wedding picture of Charlie and my mom in Las Vegas, then one of the three of us in the hospital after I was born, taken by a helpful nurse, followed by the procession of my school pictures up to last year's. Those were embarrassing to look at -- I would have to see what I could do to get Charlie to put them somewhere else, at least while I was living here.

It was impossible, being in this house, not to realize that Charlie had never gotten over my mom. It made me uncomfortable.

I didn't want to be too early to school, but I couldn't stay in the house anymore. I donned my jacket -- which had the feel of a biohazard suit -- and headed out into the rain.
It was just drizzling still, not enough to soak me through immediately as I reached for the house key that was always hidden under the eaves by the door, and locked up. The sloshing of my new waterproof boots was unnerving. I missed the normal crunch of gravel as I walked. I couldn't pause and admire my truck again as I wanted; I was in a hurry to get out of the misty wet that swirled around my head and clung to my hair under my hood.

Inside the truck, it was nice and dry. Either Billy or Charlie had obviously cleaned it up, but the tan upholstered seats still smelled faintly of tobacco, gasoline, and peppermint. The engine started quickly, to my relief, but loudly, roaring to life and then idling at top volume. Well, a truck this old was bound to have a flaw. The antique radio worked, a plus that I hadn't expected.
Finding the school wasn't difficult, though I'd never been there before. The school was, like most other things, just off the highway. It was not obvious that it was a school; only the sign, which declared it to be the Forks High School, made me stop. It looked like a collection of matching houses, built with maroon-colored bricks. There were so many trees and shrubs I couldn't see its size at first. Where was the feel of the institution? I wondered nostalgically. Where were the chain-link fences, the metal detectors?

I parked in front of the first building, which had a small sign over the door reading FRONT OFFICE. No one else was parked there, so I was sure it was off limits, but I decided I would get directions inside instead of circling around in the rain like an idiot. I stepped unwillingly out of the toasty truck cab and walked down a little stone path lined with dark hedges. I took a deep breath before opening the door.

Inside, it was brightly lit, and warmer than I'd hoped. The office was small; a little waiting area with padded folding chairs, orange-flecked commercial carpet, notices and awards cluttering the walls, a big clock ticking loudly. Plants grew everywhere in large plastic pots, as if there wasn't enough greenery outside. The room was cut in half by a long counter, cluttered with wire baskets full of papers and brightly colored flyers taped to its front. There were three desks behind the counter, one of which was manned by a large, red-haired woman wearing glasses. She was wearing a purple t-shirt, which immediately made me feel overdressed.

The red-haired woman looked up. "Can I help you?"

"I'm Isabella Swan," I informed her, and saw the immediate awareness light her eyes. I was expected, a topic of gossip no doubt. Daughter of the Chief's flighty ex-wife, come home at last.
"Of course," she said. She dug through a precariously stacked pile of documents on her desk till she found the ones she was looking for. "I have your schedule right here, and a map of the school." She brought several sheets to the counter to show me.
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Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #108 on: 07 Dec 2009, 02:59 »

I'll one up you, I'm reading Breaking Dawn.  I have never read any of the others, I've just seen the movies.  I saw it on the ferry and my girlfriend ended up buying it for me, making a big deal about how she wasn't allowing me to put it in her purse for any reason.  This is easily the most hilariously horrible book I have ever read, ever.  Meyer is possibly the worst writer to have sold so many books.  It isn't just that her characters are bad, or that her writing is horrible, or that she's incredibly unimaginative, it's that her books have no redeeming qualities whatsoever.  I've heard book critics call the Twilight saga a "masturbatory aid."  I have never agreed with a critic more.  

But.  The book is insanely lulzworthy.  Seriously.  Borrow Breaking Dawn from someone you know who has it.  It's an incredibly easy read, obviously, and it is hilarious.  She's had sex twice now and the act was COMPLETELY skipped over.  I had to read the three pages preceding the moment I realized they first had sex an incredible amount of sex.  There's not even like a "and then he threw me on the bed." Or whatever.  It's like, they're talking and then all the sudden she's covered in a billion bruises and he's all like "we're never having sex again....ever....*sulk*"  I'm at the part where she's pregnant and it's only been like 16 days and she can feel the baby kicking and stuff.....She is SO ecstatic over it, the girl couldn't be more happy over it.....and, of course, Edward doesn't want to keep it.  

Quote
He leaned  away and looked me in the eye.  "We're going to get that thing out before it can hurt any part of you.  Don't be scared. I won't let it hurt you
"That thing?" I gasped.
He looked sharply away from me, toward the front door. "Dammit! I forgot Gustavo was due today.  I'll get rid of him and be right back." He darted out of the room.
I clutched the counter for support. My knees were wobbly.
Edward had just called my little nudger a thing He said Carlisle would get it out.
"No," I whispered.
I'd gotten it wrong before. He didn't care about the baby at all.  He wanted to hurt him.  The beautiful picture in my head shifted abruptly, changed into something dark.  My pretty baby crying, my weak arms not enough to protect him...

She also has some of the worst metaphors in the world.  I'd give an example but I don't really feel up for finding one.  I might compile some more while I'm reading and throw them up here.  

Meyer also really sucks at showing time passing.  To describe how fast (I guess) Edward is, the quote is almost literally "he was back before I could take two hundred breathes."  Now, my girlfriend and I figured that if it takes about 2 seconds to breathe in and out that would have taken Edward *sparkle* around 300-400 seconds to do whatever it is he was doing.  That's over 5 minutes.  That's not that fast. And Edward *sparkle* has been frequently described as super-duper fast.

Oh, and for everyone who's reading the books, Bella is meant to be really, really smart.  She was in an advanced program before she moved to Forks.  There is no evidence in any of the books to support this so-called intelligence.
« Last Edit: 07 Dec 2009, 03:00 by Ikrik »
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Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #109 on: 07 Dec 2009, 05:25 »

Well, how can you write about someone that is smarter than your own self?
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Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #110 on: 07 Dec 2009, 07:41 »

I see your fifteen minutes and I raise you New Moon in a Minute.

That was amazing, thanks a lot...

I saw this two reviews which I found quite accurate too but still not as funny as your video but the Bum's face is hilarious at times but his voice gets a bit annoying at times.

"I want the vampire"
"Why?"
"Because he stared at me!
"... You're an idiot"
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Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #111 on: 07 Dec 2009, 08:04 »

MLIT

You will hate yourself for correctly guessing what the acronym stands for.
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Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #112 on: 07 Dec 2009, 08:09 »

I'm starting to feel like the backlash is more tedious than the films and books could possibly be.

Couldn't agree more.
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Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #113 on: 07 Dec 2009, 10:46 »

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Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #114 on: 07 Dec 2009, 22:36 »

"Ten"?

And all the rest

I was being optimistic - Should I have been?

No?

Oh well.
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Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #115 on: 08 Dec 2009, 06:10 »

I found this.

http://twilightsucks.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=fangirls&action=print&thread=5175

 It's terrible in more than one way. First the subject, it's about attacks on people for saying they don't like twilight. Then the fact there is a board dedicated to disliking these books. Doesn't compute.
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Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #116 on: 08 Dec 2009, 09:30 »

They're documenting the attacks to show how horrible they are.  They're not saying "hey, let's show those anti-sparklers that we mean business."  It's a "holy fucking shit Twilight fans are fucking scary." I'm not sure I really want to read through all of this, it's incredibly depressing.  That said, if I saw anyone being attacked by a twilight fan, the sparkle lover would get dropped hard.  Attacking someone because they don't like and insult Twilight is one of the most pathetic things I've ever heard of in my life. 
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Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #117 on: 08 Dec 2009, 09:34 »

How about signing up for and posting on a message board solely dedicated to discussing how much you hate some books + movies? How does that rate on the pathetic scale?
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Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #118 on: 08 Dec 2009, 09:38 »

Well, uh, it's not that hard. When you're writing, you have all the time in the world to do research and design the dialogue.

Not quite what I meant and trying to translate from my brain to my fingers is proving impossible.

They're documenting the attacks to show how horrible they are.  They're not saying "hey, let's show those anti-sparklers that we mean business."  It's a "holy fucking shit Twilight fans are fucking scary." I'm not sure I really want to read through all of this, it's incredibly depressing.  That said, if I saw anyone being attacked by a twilight fan, the sparkle lover would get dropped hard.  Attacking someone because they don't like and insult Twilight is one of the most pathetic things I've ever heard of in my life. 

It's happened to me. Granted, it was an online discussion (and she was 22), but had I said it to her face she'd have gone for the eyes.
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Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #119 on: 08 Dec 2009, 09:56 »

How about signing up for and posting on a message board solely dedicated to discussing how much you hate some books + movies? How does that rate on the pathetic scale?

This is what I meant by "Does not compute" I understand the concept of the site. I don't get why there is a dedicated hate site.
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Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #120 on: 08 Dec 2009, 10:39 »

I think that making up stories about BEING attacked by Twihards is probably even more pathetic still.

(Seriously, careful perusing of the Guardian website shows no mention of any of this stuff - and I'm fairly sure that national news media would report an acid attack in a school in Britain. I'm calling shenanigans/citation needed on actual GBH-style attacks.)
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Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #121 on: 08 Dec 2009, 11:47 »

How about signing up for and posting on a message board solely dedicated to discussing how much you hate some books + movies? How does that rate on the pathetic scale?
rates lower than bad webcomics wiki.

assuming the lower you're ranked, the less pathetic you are.
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Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #122 on: 08 Dec 2009, 13:52 »

There's a rumour going around the net that she's dead.  Does anyone know if this is actually true?
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Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #123 on: 08 Dec 2009, 13:59 »

It's probably just that, a rumour.
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Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #124 on: 08 Dec 2009, 14:00 »

probably.  just thought I'd ask to see if anyone has found any actual accounts from respectable sources (so far I haven't seen any)

I was actually coming back to delete that post because I felt silly about it when I saw that you'd already replied, to be honest.

edit: nevermind, it was just one of my friends playing a joke on me.  carry on.
« Last Edit: 08 Dec 2009, 14:07 by Damnable Fiend »
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Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #125 on: 08 Dec 2009, 16:52 »

rates lower than bad webcomics wiki.

Thanks, I lost my evening to reading this. I think I feel dirty for looking at so many characters with animal features....
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Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #126 on: 08 Dec 2009, 17:36 »

Unrelated note: I just realized what your avatar is.

Awesome
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Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #127 on: 09 Dec 2009, 06:45 »

Fanks. I like how when I sign in looks like it's waving at me.
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Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #128 on: 10 Dec 2009, 11:31 »

Hey guys. You know how there's Wizard Rock? Like crap geek rock about Harry Potter?

How long do you reckon before Twirock?
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Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #129 on: 10 Dec 2009, 11:34 »

It exists.

Its name is Muse.
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Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #130 on: 10 Dec 2009, 11:56 »

Death Cab For Cutie?
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Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #131 on: 10 Dec 2009, 12:02 »

It exists.

Its name is Muse.

haha.

No I mean like three fifteen year old girls making a Shaggs style racket with Jack Off Jill overtones called like 'Bella's Distress' or something.

'Team Edward'

I dunno. I had to buy my sister one of these books for Christmas and the cashier gave me a look and I explained but I felt like such filth.
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Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #132 on: 10 Dec 2009, 15:27 »

I dunno, some of the girls from my school have just started a band, and knowing these girls I feel like there's a good chance their music could be described as Twirock. Or possibly Twicore.
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Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #133 on: 10 Dec 2009, 19:37 »

How come like all new genres seem to be either neo-, post- or -core? It's like we can't even come up with new labels, so lets see what used to happen. Post-crooner! Neo-grunge! Crankycore!

Fuck it, I'm starting a Neopostcore band to spite you all.
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Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #134 on: 10 Dec 2009, 20:40 »

I wonder what neo-twee would sound like.
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Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #135 on: 10 Dec 2009, 20:46 »

Music made by actual babies.
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Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #136 on: 11 Dec 2009, 00:09 »

Hey guys. You know how there's Wizard Rock? Like crap geek rock about Harry Potter?

How long do you reckon before Twirock?

Actually it does exist, also Harry & The Potters own
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Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #137 on: 11 Dec 2009, 00:10 »

incidentally did i just reread this thread and see an argument about cultural bootstraps
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Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #138 on: 11 Dec 2009, 00:37 »

Wait, what? Are you speaking about metaphorical bootstraps, or literal bootstraps based on someone's culture. Point it out to me?
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Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #139 on: 11 Dec 2009, 00:49 »

m... metaphorical bootstraps
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Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #140 on: 11 Dec 2009, 00:59 »

Okay. I was wondering since when certain cultures have distinctive types of bootstraps. I'm not familiar with the term, which posts were you talking about?
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Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #141 on: 11 Dec 2009, 16:37 »

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Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #142 on: 11 Dec 2009, 20:03 »

No this

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Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #143 on: 12 Dec 2009, 03:53 »


'Team Edward'


You mean this?

[/IMG]http://i145.photobucket.com/albums/r234/Border_Reiver/edward.jpg[/img]

"It's too bad you won't live, Bella, but then again, who does?"
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Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #144 on: 12 Dec 2009, 04:14 »

SO SAY WE ALL
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Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #145 on: 12 Dec 2009, 05:55 »





Made me laugh....a little...I want to mock up an edward woodwood t shirts, he was awesome & responsible for one of my all time favourite jokes.
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Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #146 on: 12 Dec 2009, 06:35 »

You mean "Why does Edward Woodward have so many Ds in his name?"
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Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #147 on: 12 Dec 2009, 07:09 »

Yes, yes I do. I love that joke.
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Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #148 on: 12 Dec 2009, 13:06 »

I know him as triple wood
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Re: Twilight (Sorry for cursing)
« Reply #149 on: 12 Dec 2009, 18:27 »

Yes, yes I do. I love that joke.

That is because it is an excellent joke.
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