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Planes.

1 (2.7%)

So who's taking him down to the airport, just to fly back up to Burlington? #FAIL

2 (5.4%)

Trains.

1 (2.7%)

The station is a bit out of the way (Amtrak line is up in Amherst).

1 (2.7%)

Automobiles.

4 (10.8%)

But *whose* automobile? Marigold? Steve? EMILY? CLAIRE??????

14 (37.8%)

Hitchiking? Walking?

0 (0%)

Uhm, no. Skinny indie boy legs won't get him out of NoHam.

0 (0%)

Spaceship? Stealth blimp?

1 (2.7%)

Hannelore's sick, remember?

0 (0%)

Bus?

1 (2.7%)

Like he would last on a Greyhound.

3 (8.1%)

Bike?

2 (5.4%)

Harley's aren't his style.

1 (2.7%)

AnthroPC?

0 (0%)

Okay, now you're just getting silly.

6 (16.2%)

Total Members Voted: 33

[jwhouk]

Quick!

[DSL]

Q: "Have you ever drawn a big fat salary?"
A: "No, but I once sketched a skinny tomatah!"

[Barmymoo]

A duck walks into a bar and asks the barman "have you got any grapes?".
"No," says the barman, looking puzzled.
The duck walks out.

The next day the same duck walks into the same bar and asks the barman "have you got any grapes?".
"No," says the barman, looking annoyed.
The duck walks out.

The day after, the selfsame duck walks into the selfsame bar and asks the barman "have you got any grapes?".
"No," says the barman, looking angry, "and if you come in here one more time asking about grapes I'll nail your flippers to the floor!"
The duck walks out.

The fourth day the duck goes back to the bar and asks the barman "have you got any nails?".
"No," says the barman.
"Have you got any grapes?"

[DSL]

A certain amphibian needs money, goes to the bank to borrow some. Is shown in to see the loan officer, one Patricia Wack.

"Do you have any collateral?" she asks?

"All I have," said the frog, "is this little doohickey, this thimajig, that's been sitting on my curio shelf for years."

"I don't know," she said. "What does it do? Is it of any value as collateral?"

"It does nothing," said the amphibian, hopping up and down. "But it is of immense value to me. It was given to me by my father. Perhaps you have heard of him. His name is Mick Jagger."

"Now I really don't know," said the loan officer. "Perhaps I should bring this to the attention of our branch manager. Here she is. Ma'am, this amphibious creature wishes to borrow money, and can offer as collateral only this ... this ... well, I don't know what it is."

The manager examines the object and says:

"It's a knick-knack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

[Redball]

Geez, DSL, you're old!

[MillionDollar Belt Sander]

There once was a man from Nantucket
Who manufactured a line of plastic bucket
The equipment was old
And so were the molds
One day he closed down and said "fuck it."

He sold out to a lass named Irene
Who was an expert of plastic-molding-machines
They developed a glitch
She turned into a bitch 
Spare parts were few and far between.

So she hired a man named Bob.
Fixing broken things was his job...
He said with a frown
As the factory burned down
"All I did was turn this here knob!"

[Method of Madness]

Irene then did say with much stress
As she looked at the burning mess
With all that I spent
Bob had no talents to rent
Why didn't I just hire Jess?

[DrBear]

Two men walk into a bar. They both suffered concussions.

[MillionDollar Belt Sander]

Irene then did say with much stress
As she looked at the burning mess
With all that I spent
Bob had no talents to rent
Why didn't I just hire Jess?

Arrived did the one they call Jess
Who's gender was anyone's guess
With a swish of the pen
Reconstruction begins
This time the windows all face west.

[Method of Madness]

(Wait, Jess can be a dude's name? I've only heard it as short for Jessica)

So then Irene sat with her pet
A dog given to her by her vet
Jessica's work was done
Her work second to none
A building perfect for viewing sunsets

[MillionDollar Belt Sander]

Distracted will repost later

*click*

[Redball]

There once was a thread from QC,
WCDT it was, don't you see?
It was hijacked with puns
then poetry -- with guns!
now it's headed for space (heeheehee).

I hate myself.

[Method of Madness]

MDBS, what was that monstrosity? Six lines, no rhyme in the beginning (post does not rhyme with cost). Come on, you can do better. Redball, you should be proud of that.

[jwhouk]

Take my wife. Please.

[MillionDollar Belt Sander]

MDBS, what was that monstrosity? Six lines, no rhyme in the beginning (post does not rhyme with cost). Come on, you can do better. Redball, you should be proud of that.

Was distracted,  I'm dealing with an overheated nipple (it melted) and also two phone-calls.    I'll edit it later.

[Method of Madness]

So long as you know.

[Carl-E]

Overheated nipples, miss? 



There's a treatment for that... in the meantime, let me see what I can do to help...

 

[pwhodges]

Wait, Jess can be a dude's name?

e.g. Jess
Short for Jesse (e.g. Jesse James).

[MillionDollar Belt Sander]

The end of the printhead on the 3D printer I am fighting with is called a "nipple" in the technical drawing.     The heater coil malfunctioned again and caused it to melt.   Again.     It really is a poor design, it's made out of teflon-filled PEEK (or so the drawing claims..)   I however... being one of the most ARROGANT practitioners of the art of techno-fu...  am setting up my lathe (in fact the very same one in my Avatar!) to make a new nipple.

Out of brass.

Brass that has been sitting outside in 20 degree F weather.

So yes,  I can honestly say there are fewer things colder than a brass nipple in January.   *nod*


...


What? 

[Method of Madness]

Wait, Jess can be a dude's name?

e.g. Jess
Short for Jesse (e.g. Jesse James).

Interesting. I guess it's a generational thing, I know a few guys named Jesse (but other than the Rick Springfield song, none named Jessie), but none who go by Jess.

[jwhouk]

I... won't go there with the name "Jess".

[Redball]

MDBS, what was that monstrosity? Six lines, no rhyme in the beginning (post does not rhyme with cost). Come on, you can do better. Redball, you should be proud of that.

Thanks. Just trying to remain topical.

[pwhodges]

Some people called Jess - both genders.

[MillionDollar Belt Sander]

Some people called Jess - both genders.

Hence my quip about gender. 

Well my brass nipple isn't quite there yet.   Requires some tweaking.

...

Move along now.

[Carl-E]

 

[Kugai]

Some people called Jess - both genders.

Hence my quip about gender. 

Well my brass nipple isn't quite there yet.   Requires some tweaking.

...

Move along now.

Any Brass Monkeys?

[Uniquitous]

Wha't's a four-letter word that refers to a woman, ending with the letters UNT?

...

Give up? It's "Aunt!"

Why, what were you thinking?

[MillionDollar Belt Sander]

I understand they like to reboot movies and make them "darker and gritty-er" than the original.       Word on the street is they are doing just that to the next Batman Trilogy. 

In fact I have a special sneak preview of the script:

GORDEN:  Batman,  I just read the most disturbing report...
BATMAN:   ...
GORDEN:  My officers said you "ripped the Joker's nards off with a pair of vice-grips?"  Is that TRUE?!
BATMAN:  Channel-locks.
GORDEN:  I beg your pardon?
BATMAN:  I used a pair of channel-locks.  I left the vice-grips at home.
GORDEN:  Either way I cannot condone this kind of--
BATMAN:  Choke on my ****, Gorden.

[WAYF]

Wait, we were doing limericks earlier?

There once was a god called Zeus
to whom thunderbolts were of use.
He took them in hand,
threw them over the land,
which humans found somewhat a nuis...ance.

[Method of Madness]

MDBS, you're thinking of the Punisher.  And WAYF..

Zeus made his sister his wife
And she would cause nothing but strife
To those Zeus would fuck
They were shit out of luck
Their punishments less swift than a knife.

[MillionDollar Belt Sander]

MDBS, you're thinking of the Punisher.  And WAYF..

Zeus made his sister his wife
And she would cause nothing but strife
To those Zeus would fuck
They were shit out of luck
Their punishments less swift than a knife.

I stole the joke from someone else, and it was about Batman as well. 

[henri bemis]

A man drives past his friend's house and sees him outside in front of his tractor, dancing and slowly removing his clothes.  He stops the car, gets out, and asks his friend what he's doing.

"My wife and I haven't been intimate in awhile, so we went to see a couples' therapist.  He suggested I do a striptease to a tractor."

*dodges tomatoes*

[WAYF]

Alright, alright, since we're clearly scraping the bottom of the barrel, here's one of my favourite lame jokes from Buffy: The Vampire Slayer, season one.

GILES: I've never actually heard of anyone attacked by a lone baseball bat before.

XANDER: Maybe it's a vampire bat.


I shall now join Henri in the tomato dodging.

[MillionDollar Belt Sander]

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few
shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to
walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a
curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice
asked, "What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Must be doing well...
only two left."

[henri bemis]

WAYF - Out of Mind, Out of Sight.  S1E11.  I can't judge, I can only be happy.

[MillionDollar Belt Sander]

The leaders of the Navy, Marine Corps and Air Force are playing golf.

After a few drinks the question came up: who had the most guts, biggest balls, the most courage.

The leader of the Marine Corps points at a passing Gunnery Sargent and shouts "YOU! RUN INTO TRAFFIC NOW!" The Gunny drops what he is doing and runs halfway across the expressway before he is hit by a bus.

The leader of the Air Force nods and says "Now watch this." He pulls out a radio, calls a jet fighter overhead and orders the pilot to point the nose at the ground and hit the afterburner, and don't pull up until ordered to do so. Seconds later the plane hits the ground full speed, killing the pilot.

The Admiral shakes his head and says "I can top that." He turns to the dock, looks high into the air and spots a seaman working aloft on an aircraft carrier.

He shouts: "YOU THERE! SEAMAN! JUMP!"

The Seaman shouts back "Sir, repeat that sir!"

The Admiral shouts again "I SAID JUMP!"

The Seaman looks down, frowns, and looks directly at the Admiral: "F*UCK YOU SIR" turns around and goes back to work.

[Method of Madness]

I stole the joke from someone else, and it was about Batman as well. 

Yeah, but it would've been funnier using the Punisher, because then you could claim it was actually lighter and funnier than usual

[RedWolf4]

It's the last day of assassins school, and the final three students are sitting in a room, waiting for the last test. The first one, a man, is asked to take a gun, shoot the person in the next room who has commited treason, then go to the room after, not telling them the gun is filled with blanks. He does so, but comes out in the next room over balling his eyes out.

"Sir, I can't do it sir, it's my wife, I can't shoot her, I love her!"

So he fails.

The next one, another man, takes a gun and goes through, only to appear on the other side crying as well, not having shot his wife. He fails as well.

The last student is a woman. She takes her gun and goes through, and for a few minutes there isn't a sound and her instructors figure she's failed as well. Then suddenly someone screams and shot after shot rings out, followed by a long series of thumps and crashes. The woman comes out on the other side, finally, spattered in blood and gore.

"What happened?!" Ask her instructors.

"Well, some idiot filled that gun with blanks, so I had to beat my husband to death with the chair."

[westrim]

What did one volcano do when the other volcano told a joke?

It erupted with laughter!

[WAYF]

WAYF - Out of Mind, Out of Sight.  S1E11.  I can't judge, I can only be happy.

Correct!

Incidentally, I left the forum yesterday (Australian time) and I came back this morning and suddenly everyone's making bad jokes. Is this a new trend? Make terrible jokes while waiting for a new week of QC to begin?

[cesium133]

So... are we headed toward a wedding storyline some point soon?

[MillionDollar Belt Sander]

(edit:  Damn warning box)

SECOND ON-TOPICAL POST WOO!

Is it me or does anyone see Claire gradually slipping into the role once occupied by Faye.   Friend, partner, provider of punchlines.

[Method of Madness]

You'd think Marten would have known the date even before the save the date cards went out. But yeah, I didn't even think that Marten would bring his parents up, but it makes sense. Yay for Marten/Claire bonding!

Double red text! But yeah, MDBS, I think it's because Faye's all settled down and boring now. Well, not boring, but...hmm...

Cesium...maybe?

[cesium133]

(edit:  Damn warning box)

SECOND ON-TOPICAL POST WOO!

Is it me or does anyone see Claire gradually slipping into the role once occupied by Faye.   Friend, partner, provider of punchlines.

Nah, Faye provides punches, not punchlines.

And I grade most of the jokes so far a C++ as best. 

[MillionDollar Belt Sander]

Cesium133,  I already used C++ as a joke in the other thread.    750 yard penalty,  player ejected from game.   Still first down.

[cesium133]

Cesium123,  I already used C++ as a joke in the other thread.    750 yard penalty,  player ejected from game.   Still first down.

Why does it seem like everyone wants to remove about 10% of my weight? The atomic weight of cesium is 133. 

[MillionDollar Belt Sander]

Cesium133,  I already used C++ as a joke in the other thread.    750 yard penalty,  player ejected from game.   Still first down.

Why does it seem like everyone wants to remove about 10% of my weight? The atomic weight of cesium is 133. 

What are you on about?   

[westrim]

How do you not even open the envelope? Now, not reading it I get, but all my mail is at least slit open practically before I get back in the door.

And doesn't inviting your son to a wedding engender more than the same card you sent to 50 other people? At least a phone call?

[foolsguinea]

Today's strip harks back to old QC snarky conversations.

[K1dmor]

 Marten will open the card and find out that the wedding is... tomorrow!