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The explanation of "Aunt" Jane.

4 (10.8%)

An "Erotic Photographer!"

0 (0%)

Lace Panties and a Garter Belt. (I could really use some more material for my upskirt site!)

3 (8.1%)

"Marten, be a good boy and look away." (Yes, mother.)

2 (5.4%)

Does it, um, bother you? What your mother does? (Nah, I'm used to it.)

0 (0%)

It must've been weird growing up.

0 (0%)

It was pretty funny seeing other parents "recognize" her on Career Day...

6 (16.2%)

The Artistic Equivalent of Name Dropping (Charles Stross, Keith GWS, Cassandra Clare, Holly Black)

0 (0%)

Who were all those people? I have NO idea.

5 (13.5%)

A female Officiant, White Tux, a Flower Girl, Maurice comes in on... a WHITE HORSE?

6 (16.2%)

Your noble steed is now grazing on the azaelas.

2 (5.4%)

Henry Reed and Maurice Duplantier.

0 (0%)

Ring exchange, kiss, "I now pronounce you married!"

0 (0%)

Claire: "That's IT?"

9 (24.3%)

Total Members Voted: 35

[MillionDollar Belt Sander]

Here in the US, it's traditional for the woman to wear a white dress, signifying her "purity" (read: virginity).

The nasty judgmental selectively-ultra-orthodox Judaism that we call Christianity here has all sorts of cultural memes about women not being allowed to wear white on their wedding day. Of course, most ignore those and wear white anyway.

And it's usually only commented upon by spiteful in-laws and jealous friends -- that's my experience across about a dozen weddings I've attended as a guest.   Frankly I find it hilarious that certain people can't put themselves aside for a few hours and enjoy the show.

Now I wasn't there, but I saw the video taken by friends  (and we're talking "old fashion VHS") of someone standing up during a friends wedding and objecting "I can't BELIEVE you wore WHITE considering how many men you slept with before sinking your hooks into Bob!"    The bride retorted "Try before you buy -- otherwise you end up with someone like Jim!" She then turned her back and the wedding went on.   You would have had to seen the video,  but I assure you the burnage was over 9,000. 

[RedWolf4]

Yes, I imagine there was a smell of burnt flesh after that exchange. . .

[Border Reiver]

There'd have been applause for the bride if my wife or I had been there...

[jwhouk]

Your Favorite Awkward Wedding Moment So Far?

Mom Trying to Pair Marten Up with Claire    4 (6.3%)
Claire blushing over Marten's Dad!    2 (3.1%)
"And he's got a really big-" I'LL BE AT THE BAR WITH MOM    2 (3.1%)
"Single malt older than you." YESSSSSSSSS    4 (6.3%)
Do as your mother says and drink it.    0 (0%)
Rehearsal dinners are like wedding purgatory.    0 (0%)
That wasn't so much a wedding as a three-ring circus. (Multiple ambulances by the end of the first dance)    0 (0%)
What was the name of that band we had play? Black something? Black Flag? (YOU'RE $#!++!N@ ME)    3 (4.7%)
Um, it's actually Claire. Funny you look more like a Clarice to me.    1 (1.6%)
Yes ma'am my name is Clarice from now on ma'am (You've got your dom-voice on, mom.)    3 (4.7%)
OH GOD I'M SO LONELY    6 (9.4%)
I used to have six pack! A SIX PACK! (Put it away, mom.)    2 (3.1%)
Lady and the Tramp, except with cocaine.    2 (3.1%)
$#!+! LUBE! I knew I forgot to pack something!    2 (3.1%)
I would've been fine but now you've got me THINKING about it and it's AWKWARD    5 (7.8%)
I know it's supposed to be a casual ceremony, but you should at least put on some pants.    3 (4.7%)
IT'S FINE IT'S PERFECT    10 (15.6%)
Jane and "Vicki" exchange insults. (Suddenly my taste in friends makes a lot more sense to me.)    5 (7.8%)
More material for my upskirt site. (Marten, be a good boy and look away.)    7 (10.9%)
It WAS pretty funny watching some of the other parents "recognize" her on Career Day...    3 (4.7%)

Total Members Voted: 64

[GreatGonzo]

"Mawwige. Mawwige is what bwings us togevver today."

[Loki]

As someone who has never been to a wedding, what does a (US-American) wedding traditionally entail?

[RedWolf4]

I think I shall emulate Sir Not Appearing In This Movie!! *Gallops off into the sunset.*

[sitnspin]

I've only been to three, one of which was my own and none of which were traditional. One was "pagan" handfasting. One was just visiting justice of the peace and I was one of the witnesses. Mine wasn't legally recognized (no same-sex marriage in that state) but involved each of us playing a song for each other (I did a solo acoustic guitar rendition of Nick Cave's "Into My Arms" and she did an original song with her band) and we exchanged vows that we wrote ourselves in front of her priest. After the vows, we did the recessional and everyone adjourned to the reception where much booze was shared.

If movies are anything to go by, traditional weddings involve a processional where the bridesmaids and groomsmen walk in first in pairs, then the groom, then the bride last to the tune of the traditional "Here Comes the Bride". There is often a prayer if it is a religious ceremony, often a song or two is sung by a friend or relative of the couple, then the one officiating it has them repeat the vows and exchange rings followed by a "By the power invested in me by (insert government body or deity here), I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now kiss the bride."  Then there is a recessional song played as the newly married couple exits the way they entered except they do so together and everyone stands as they go. Then the bridesmaids and groomsmen exit, then everyone else goes too.

How often it actually matches up with that, I have no idea.

[Zebediah]

Weddings come in all shapes and sizes in the US. Most of my family is Catholic, so I've been to many Catholic weddings, which are basically a Mass with a wedding ceremony spliced into the middle of it. On the other end of the scale (for religious ceremonies), Southern Baptists tend to have you in and out of the church in ten minutes.

Non-religious services can range from the very elaborate to the extremely simple. For example of an extraordinarily simple one, while my wife and I were at the courthouse to get our marriage license, there was a couple getting married by a justice of the peace in the room next door.  They needed a couple of witnesses, so we got recruited. Never met the people before, haven't seen them since, but our signatures are on their marriage certificate. They seemed happy, so it's all good.

As for wearing white: My wife had been married before and five months pregnant on our wedding day, and she still wore a white dress. Nobody cared except my Dad, and my sisters all ganged up on him and made him behave.

[Redball]

The traditional entrance music for the bride is the Bridal Chorus, "Treulich geführt", from Wagner's opera Lohengrin. The traditional recessional, departure, music is Mendelssohn's "Wedding March" part of A Midsummer Night's Dream. I've liked the Mendelssohn since I was a teenager. I was playing it one day when my mother and stepfather had been arguing, and my stepfather snapped at me when the Wedding March music filled the house. He thought I'd played it deliberately. I don't think so.

[MillionDollar Belt Sander]

As someone who has never been to a wedding, what does a (US-American) wedding traditionally entail?

Weddings come in all shapes and sizes ranging from elaborate rituals involving religion,  to simply appearing before an official,  signing papers in front of witnesses and that's it.

There is no right way or wrong way,  it depends on the parties involved.   Some folks want a huge production,  others do not.   The ones I've been to have been a good blending of religious function and celebration.

[Is it cold in here?]

The style that's a cultural cliche, and still widely used, is a ceremony in a church with the groom's people on one side of the aisle, the bride's on the other. A young child scatters flowers down the aisle.  Their religious denomination's standard wedding liturgy is read, the groom puts a ring on the bride, and their priest/pastor/minister/whatever pronounces them married.

Everything upthread that's been said about diversity is true.

Which brings up a book, "How to be a Perfect Stranger", which describes in detail how someone from another culture should attend a different culture or religion's ceremonies. "Should" in this context means being respectful, but without accidentally doing something that identifies with a religion other than the attendee's own. It also warns of possible surprises.

[Redball]

The officiant may also say a few words in the sense of a short sermon. Both of my weddings were entirely traditional, including the music I cited above, except that at my second, we added our own readings.
Jewish and Christian weddings in my experience are witnessed are traditionally witnessed by respectfully quiet guests, as in today's comic. The two Hindu weddings I attended in India were witnessed, but by guests who sat, stood, chatted, while the ceremony continued somewhat ignored. The same thing happened at another religious ceremony, a coming-of-age "thread" ceremony of a young boy.

[benji]

As someone who occasionally performs weddings, I can say that the law (in my state) requires that the wedding be witnessed by two people and that there must be some sort of ceremony that they can describe if asked to at a later date.

I insist that a wedding I perform must have at least three components: statement of purpose, consent, and pronouncement.

That is, I will start by saying what we're all doing there, if for no other reason then to make sure that everyone knows we've started, and so that the witnesses can't claim that they didn't know it was a wedding. I will ask both parties if they agree to be married. This may seem silly in this day and age, but there was a time when people were fairly regularly forced to get married against their will, and I think we need to still check in. And then I need to pronounce them married.

I usually strongly urge people to take some sort of vow, but it's not strictly necessary.

Everything else, processionals, prayers, readings, exchanges of rings, kissing, breaking glass, lighting candles, tying hands, jumping brooms or anything else you can invent is all purely optional.

ETA: what I came in to say, and forgot about, is that by my guidelines above, the only thing that seemed missing to me as consent of the two grooms, though perhaps that's implicit in the ring exchange.

[Carl-E]

OK, there was an exchange.  I only saw Henry putting on Maurice's ring, and missed that Henry had one on in the third panel (not in the second). 

So there are some things we didn't see.  Perhaps some words said.  Clearly, though, not enough for Claire. 


I remember a friend's wedding in the mid 80's, her dress was a victorianesque fantasy of ruffles, pearls, beadwork, etc, etc. with a train that was longer than she was tall. 

As she came down the aisle, one of the other groomsmen whispered in my ear, "Look! It's the Queen Mary under full sail!" 


Hard to keep a straight face.  Fortunately, no one was looking at me...

[HeavyP]

OK, there was an exchange.  I only saw Henry putting on Maurice's ring, and missed that Henry had one on in the third panel (not in the second). 

So there are some things we didn't see.  Perhaps some words said.  Clearly, though, not enough for Claire. 

I'm glad you pointed this out, because that was what was confusing me.  I'm all for short weddings, mind, (I was raised Catholic and attended many, MANY hour-long wedding ceremonies), but you gotta at least have some vows for it to feel like a proper wedding (to me, anyway).

[Blood-Tree]

So... Maurice's surname is Duplantier...

A reference perhaps: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joe_Duplantier

[Aethien]

Gojira kicks ass.

[Blood-Tree]

Assume Maurice does likewise.

[Zebediah]

As an aside, today, 1 March 2013, is apparantly National Butt Day. Or so my Facebook friends tell me. Pintsize must be partying hard.

[Aethien]

Assume Maurice does likewise.

I dunno, depends on whether he's a pitcher or a catcher I guess.

[Blood-Tree]

Lucky you turned the other cheek. Almost had an outbreak.

[DSL]

... You would have had to seen the video,  but I assure you the burnage was over 9,000. 

Please, PLEASE tell me it's been many years, and Bob and his battle-ready bride are still happily together ...

[MillionDollar Belt Sander]

... You would have had to seen the video,  but I assure you the burnage was over 9,000. 

Please, PLEASE tell me it's been many years, and Bob and his battle-ready bride are still happily together ...

Bob and Battle-Britches are still married, and she is still like a severe thunderstorm of  wit:  One good wisecrack and flames everywhere.   

 We're all good friends.  I knew her for quite awhile before the wedding,  and I knew Bob as well.    She's one of those people that you have to meet at least once -- even if she's having an off day she's still an absolute riot to talk with.

[Redball]

Now I wasn't there, but I saw the video taken by friends  (and we're talking "old fashion VHS") of someone standing up during a friends wedding and objecting "I can't BELIEVE you wore WHITE considering how many men you slept with before sinking your hooks into Bob!"    The bride retorted "Try before you buy -- otherwise you end up with someone like Jim!" She then turned her back and the wedding went on.   

I'd love to share that story with FB friends, but I suppose I'd have to change the names.
I saw this obnoxious guest on FB today and thought back to your description.

[MillionDollar Belt Sander]

Now I wasn't there, but I saw the video taken by friends  (and we're talking "old fashion VHS") of someone standing up during a friends wedding and objecting "I can't BELIEVE you wore WHITE considering how many men you slept with before sinking your hooks into Bob!"    The bride retorted "Try before you buy -- otherwise you end up with someone like Jim!" She then turned her back and the wedding went on.   

I'd love to share that story with FB friends, but I suppose I'd have to change the names.
I saw this obnoxious guest on FB today and thought back to your description.

Bob And Battle-Britches do not post under those names.     

[Kugai]

Yes Claire, that's it

Nice, simple and no frippery and extraneous fluff.

[mustang6172]

Here in the US, it's traditional for the woman to wear a white dress, signifying her "purity" (read: virginity).

The nasty judgmental selectively-ultra-orthodox Judaism that we call Christianity here has all sorts of cultural memes about women not being allowed to wear white on their wedding day. Of course, most ignore those and wear white anyway.

As I see it, wearing white is something less than 5% of the marrying public (i.e. virgins) earn.  When the rest of the population does it, it dilutes the value.

Wedding receptions are always the worst!  Bad music and small talk with strangers.  I might as well put a bucket on my head and sit in the corner.

[Method of Madness]

YMMV, I love the reception. It's just a fancy party.

[Redball]

Geez, I love weddings too but I haven't gone to any lately. I gotta say, most funerals are pleasant meet-and-greets as well. I guess it speaks to my age.

[ZoeB]

I've been to what, over a dozen weddings?

Mostly before I was 10. I used to be in ruff and surplice in a (High Church) Church of England choir.
6d for weekly practice, 1s for Sunday service, 2/6d for weddings CA-CHING! and the Jackpot, 5s for Funerals.
We made a lot more money on the weddings than anything else. In terms of purchasing power, a "Zoom" ice-cream was 6d. Call it $2.



Service was almost indistinguishable from a Catholic Mass, just a bit more formal. Pre-Vatican-II Catholic, but without the Pope, basically. Not as much incense, more hymns and responses. Usually over in 2 hours.

I've never been to a Buddhist wedding, but I have been to a Buddhist funeral. Almost a party-like atmosphere, only solemn when the monks chanted.

[Soulsynger]

Man, now I want Buddhist monks chanting at my funeral. That sounds AWESOME!

(Also probably wouldn't help my chances of not being reborn as a frog or a leperous goat.)

[Aethien]

Including or not including them chopping up your corpse and feeding it to the vultures, then grinding up the bones so the vultures can snack on those as well?

[RedWolf4]

No no, the lawyers can eat at the buffet like everyone else.

Lawyers are people too now, remember?

[Aethien]

I wasn't kidding though.

DON'T CLICK IF YOU HAVE A WEAK STOMACH OR ARE CURRENTLY EATING.

you have been warned.

[RedWolf4]

"So Larry, did you get that Anderson brief in today?"

"Yeah, and I found an ambulance on the way to the funeral, so I've got the firm some work for the next couple of days too. Mind passing some of the rump?"

(The keyboard, take it away from me NOW)

[Valdís]

I wasn't kidding though.

Ah, good ol' Sky Burials. Wonderfully pragmatic.

This part was also quite adorable. Looked like he was standing on the vulture's back!

[Carl-E]

Just compost me with the eggshells and coffee grounds. 

[RedWolf4]

I dunno, I could go the classic burn-me-in-a-boat with my most treasured belongings thing.

[Carl-E]

I've thought of cremation, but the whole carbon footprint thing - burning the body takes a lot of fuel. 

Definitely don't want the whole preservative-filled-bury-me-in-an-impermeable-box thing, though.  I'd rather go back to the earth effectively and efficiently.  Maybe a green burial (no embalming, recycled cardboard coffin).  But I definitely want a funeral service, preferably with a dixieland band playing the happy can't-keep-your-feet-still music on the way to the party wake. 


After all, it'll be the last party I get to throw.  It should be memorable. 

[Zebediah]

Bagpipes for me. It's just not a funeral unless there are pipes.

And as for my body, take what you can transplant and burn the rest.

[celticgeek]

Bagpipes.

[ZoeB]

Something that kept me going before Transition was the thought of cryonic neurosuspension.
I still think it's worth a punt.

Let me explain - if the damaged neural template can be scanned, or repaired (I think it would be easier to make a new one),then making the rest of the body would be relatively easy.

One that's a little less mixed this time. One that could give birth.

It's not so important to me now, I'm pretty happy with the body I have. But before.... the thought helped keep me alive.

[techkid]

Funnily enough my dad was talking the other day about something he'd heard on the radio: aquamation, or water cremation (read the PDF here).

Like my dad, I like the idea of cremation (and organ donations (what would I need them for when I'm dead?)), and the ashes scattered (dad wants to be scattered over the Royal National Park. Myself... dunno. Mountains? Ocean? Whatever, so long as there's an awesome view for everyone involved).

[Aethien]

I've thought of cremation, but the whole carbon footprint thing - burning the body takes a lot of fuel. 

Definitely don't want the whole preservative-filled-bury-me-in-an-impermeable-box thing, though.  I'd rather go back to the earth effectively and efficiently.  Maybe a green burial (no embalming, recycled cardboard coffin).  But I definitely want a funeral service, preferably with a dixieland band playing the happy can't-keep-your-feet-still music on the way to the party wake. 


After all, it'll be the last party I get to throw.  It should be memorable.

Or how to put the Fun in funeral.

[Redball]

Before my mom died in AZ in 1995, she wanted her ashes scattered in the St. Clair River between Michigan and Ontario, a place she'd spent a lot of happy times in her teens, including with a boyfriend who summered on the Canadian side. In the decade before her death, she, my wife, daughter and I often went to a restaurant on the river for Sunday brunch. It featured a Dixieland trio. Our daughter had a talk with the musicians a few months after the death, and we returned a few weeks later with friends, went out on the dock when the trio took a break. They played "Saints" while I spread the ashes. In a sudden breeze, some landed on the one docked boat, a very large cabin cruiser. A guy on the boat asked in a puzzled voice, "Were those ashes?" All innocence, I said, "Oh, no."

[Is it cold in here?]

I've thought of cremation, but the whole carbon footprint thing - burning the body takes a lot of fuel. 

Marten's idea of a volcano would fix that.

[Loki]

See, I usually wouldn't mind cremation much, but I don't like the idea of someone being able to hold my ashes in their possession - and therefore by extension me.

So it's a wood casket for me, I guess.

[MillionDollar Belt Sander]

When I die,  I hope it's really difficult and expensive to recover my body -- and that the coverage on the news lasts for days.

"NASA and the Canadian Air Force have been called in the recover the body of local engineer Brian Richard who met his demise earlier this week and is now lodged atop the cellphone tower on the tallest building in the City -- experts believe recovery operations will exceed $25 million dollars... and will be funded entirely by the tax payers."

Yeah... I'm an asshole.   

[Pilchard123]

The inventor of the legendary 'gunpowder diet' died yesterday. He leaves a wife, two children and a large crater where the Crematorium used to be.