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Author Topic: Random Puns  (Read 131772 times)

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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1600 on: 25 Apr 2016, 15:38 »

Oh noah! We don't need a conversation arc like that.
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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1601 on: 25 Apr 2016, 18:29 »

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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1602 on: 25 Apr 2016, 22:09 »

Still (a true story). When serving there was often 3 busloads of us conscripts on our way to a weekend leave. It was a 3 hour bus ride from the coastal fortress to the city. This was the 80s, so no toilets onboard the buses, and we had to unload during a 10-minute ferry trip. There were only two toilets on the ferry so multiple occupancy was the only way. And the rule was  :claireface: :claireface: :claireface:

Do not cross the streams.

 :claireface: :claireface: :claireface:
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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1603 on: 25 Apr 2016, 23:26 »

The piss arc is the whole point, you dictator.
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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1604 on: 29 Apr 2016, 14:10 »

[tweet]333595397626945536[/tweet]
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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1605 on: 29 Apr 2016, 15:28 »

We're gonna need a bigger boat for that one.
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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1606 on: 30 Apr 2016, 15:41 »

In the jaws of a dilemma over that one
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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1607 on: 30 Apr 2016, 21:16 »

Don't many ready responses to that in my sharktank... Kinda bites, being so blank.
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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1608 on: 01 May 2016, 05:56 »

So you've seen the Descartes before the horse joke. It's making the rounds on my Facebook pages.

After I'd seen it for the umpteenth time, I posted:

"High Marx for this kind of creativity. We Kant exclude puns from proper humor, put it behind a Locke and key hidden behind fireplaces on Hobbes. It should be out in the open, served on a Plato’ silver if not gold, lead if not silver. Besides, danger may lurk outside that bar; there are Russellers out there."

I complained to my wife a few hours later that there'd been no responses. She responded, with a "like."
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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1609 on: 01 May 2016, 14:53 »

Philosophically, a right answer then
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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1610 on: 01 May 2016, 15:42 »

 :claireface:
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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1611 on: 01 May 2016, 19:28 »

Descartes argued that animals reacted by reflex whereas humans were above that.

He might have changed his mind had be been subjected to an experiment putting him in contact with Paris's ladies of the evening, forcing him to recognize his own automatic reflexes.

But that would be putting Descartes before the whores.

The cruise ship's doctor proposed a mix of fresh air and art therapy for respiratory patients, having them sun themselves on top of the ship while gazing at paintings propped up in front of them. The captain vetoed it because it was putting deck art before the hoarse.
« Last Edit: 01 May 2016, 20:28 by Is it cold in here? »
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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1612 on: 02 May 2016, 14:53 »

I Kant believe you Posted that
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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1613 on: 03 May 2016, 03:16 »

So I was running rather quickly with scissors, and then I thought of this thread.

You see, I ran dumb.
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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1614 on: 03 May 2016, 16:15 »

That's a little Flaky though
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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1615 on: 30 May 2016, 13:24 »

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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1616 on: 04 Jun 2016, 02:41 »

If an ovary is the organ that eggs come from, shouldn't a testicle be called a "seminary"?
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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1617 on: 04 Jun 2016, 03:04 »

A seminary should produce, not priests, but seamen.
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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1618 on: 04 Jun 2016, 08:04 »

So after taking the vow of obedience the seminarians follow the vas deference?
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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1619 on: 04 Jun 2016, 09:57 »

Sometimes, when I try a little too hard to get into one of these threads, I pull out a few dictionaries and toss them into the air. This time, they all seem to fallopian to the same page.
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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1620 on: 05 Jun 2016, 01:27 »

Don't work so hard. Simply plant a seed.
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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1621 on: 06 Jun 2016, 19:29 »

The trees must be mad at me for complaining about their pollen.

Every sunny day since then, they've been throwing shade at me.
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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1622 on: 07 Jun 2016, 03:02 »

A surfer-dude, travelling to Phuket to catch the big waves off Pansea Beach, had his Enlightenment, and decided to become a Buddhist monk. Now he sits in the shade of a great tree, chanting: "Om brah... Om brah...".
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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1623 on: 08 Jun 2016, 23:57 »

He then wrote it down, becoming the first ever to pen "om brah".

So, an executive pardon can liberate a prisoner. The prisoner lost his freedom in the first place due to a jury verdict. Is that why people talk about juries deliberating?
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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1624 on: 24 Jun 2016, 10:29 »

One I heard re: Brexit...

Quote
Europe now has 1 GB of free space.
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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1625 on: 09 Jul 2016, 07:35 »

I'm pretty sure I made this up the other day (as opposed to it being from a show and me forgetting about it like "crucifixins").

Why are lawyers such good exorcists? Because possession is nine-tenths of the law :claireface:
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They call me Mr. Madness.

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Though this be madness, yet there is method in't.
MR ARCHIVE-FU MADNESS
Does anybody really know what time it is?
(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1626 on: 09 Jul 2016, 12:22 »

The solid red-purple mass I had on my lower leg caused the nurse who looked at it to be audibly startled.

I guess professional detachment can be overcome by fuchsia shock.
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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1627 on: 09 Jul 2016, 14:15 »

That must have been a bruising encounter
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James The Kugai 

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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1628 on: 11 Jul 2016, 16:41 »

I wonder how many lives could have been saved by having a waiting period before holding a duel.

They used to take seconds to arrange.
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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1629 on: 19 Jul 2016, 15:48 »

I pass by this building on the way to work every day and didn't know its name until I read this article... and its name is fit for this thread.
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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1630 on: 19 Jul 2016, 16:04 »

It took me a few seconds because I was pronouncing it wrong in my head.

Edit: Aww, it was named that on purpose? Now I'm disappointed, I was hoping it was actually named after someone named Pyare and the pun was an accident.
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They call me Mr. Madness.

Quote from: Polonius
Though this be madness, yet there is method in't.
MR ARCHIVE-FU MADNESS
Does anybody really know what time it is?
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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1631 on: 20 Jul 2016, 18:49 »

Pyar means love in Hindi... Pyar squared might be the mutual love between two people. Love is a circle, obviously.

Seen on a blackboard outside a delicatessen yesterday:
"What kind of cheese would you use to disguise a horse?"
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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1632 on: 20 Jul 2016, 20:00 »

Wait, the e isn't silent? I've been saying it wrong...well, for years, but I've probably only said it three or four times.
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They call me Mr. Madness.

Quote from: Polonius
Though this be madness, yet there is method in't.
MR ARCHIVE-FU MADNESS
Does anybody really know what time it is?
(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

Is it cold in here?

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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1633 on: 21 Jul 2016, 22:52 »

The exterminator had to be called back for another go at the Insanely Aggressive Bugs From Hell.

The paperwork described the work as "retreatment".

Dear FSM, the IABFH are so aggressive that they make even professionals retreat.
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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1634 on: 22 Jul 2016, 00:20 »

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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1635 on: 06 Aug 2016, 11:43 »

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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1636 on: 06 Aug 2016, 12:28 »

I...don't get it.
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They call me Mr. Madness.

Quote from: Polonius
Though this be madness, yet there is method in't.
MR ARCHIVE-FU MADNESS
Does anybody really know what time it is?
(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1637 on: 06 Aug 2016, 12:34 »

(click to show/hide)
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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1638 on: 06 Aug 2016, 18:47 »

 :roll:
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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1639 on: 07 Aug 2016, 02:53 »


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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1640 on: 15 Aug 2016, 23:51 »

If snow is just another form of water, doesn't that mean that snowboarding is just another form of waterboarding?
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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1641 on: 16 Aug 2016, 15:45 »

 My new thing is to ask everyone I see and know wearing a cowboy hat and boots if they're looking for salad. I mean, they're ranch dressing
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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1642 on: 17 Aug 2016, 19:06 »

Once upon a time there was a small desert village with a single well outside town. One day a young woman went to the well to fetch water, and the well heard her crying, and asked “What’s wrong?”

She stopped her sobbing and asked the well “You can talk?”

“Yes,” said the well. “Long ago, the witch who lives in this town gave me life so I could serve as a guardian to the townspeople.”

“Alas,” said the young woman. “I am the daughter of that witch. She lived in peace with the townsfolk for many years. But the new mayor, who is a violent and hateful man, riled the people up against her, and they burned her at the stake. I am young and still do not know very much magic. I tried to curse them, but my curses fizzled. Now I worry I will never avenge my mother’s death.”

“Do not be afraid,” said the well. “I will take care of this.”

The next morning, when the Mayor came to fetch water from the well, he heard an odd noise coming from the bottom. He peered over as far as he could to see what was happening. Then an impossibly long arm shot up from the bottom of the well, grabbed the mayor, and pulled him into the well shaft. There was a horrible crunching sound, and nobody ever saw the Mayor again. The townsfolk apologized to the witch’s daughter, and they all lived happily ever after.

Moral of the story: living well is the best revenge
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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1643 on: 18 Aug 2016, 13:59 »

One could say he wound up going down to a crushing defeat
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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1644 on: 18 Aug 2016, 15:05 »

Well. That's a deep subject. Holds a lot of water.
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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1645 on: 26 Aug 2016, 12:52 »

So the mayor went to the well once too often?
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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1646 on: 26 Aug 2016, 13:28 »

Well, he mayor may not have.
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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1647 on: 26 Aug 2016, 14:02 »

In either case, he wound up loosing his grip on power
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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1648 on: 26 Aug 2016, 15:49 »

Stolen shamelessly from Oppositelock...

How do camshafts travel?

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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1649 on: 27 Aug 2016, 15:21 »

That'll do in a clutch
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