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Author Topic: Random Puns  (Read 117607 times)

bhtooefr

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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1700 on: 04 Dec 2016, 21:43 »

From http://imgur.com/gallery/t5LaE:

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they might have died from Avian Flu.

A bird pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an ornithological behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck".
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Is it cold in here?

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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1701 on: 05 Dec 2016, 00:05 »

Someone at a party was discussing a concussion she got by walking into a door.

Her doctor, she said, had asked if she had done it again since.

Straight lines like that don't come along just every year.

There was a quick quip of "One does not simply walk into more doors".
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"Non-compliance is a social skill"
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In your face, darkness!  We are the light and we outnumber you!

Akima

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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1702 on: 05 Dec 2016, 00:18 »

I might borrow mere elements of that pun.
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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1703 on: 06 Dec 2016, 17:07 »

A mother with a prodigiously kinky hair texture who wore it naturally got a modeling job based on the resulting look. She saved all the proceeds in order to fund the purchase of a needed item for her son William who in his burgeoning career as a violinist had broken the means with which he had previously produced sound on the Stradivarius he was borrowing.

When asked what her strategy was she replied:

"I'm using my 'Fro Dough to buy a Bill Bow."
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Castlerook

Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1704 on: 06 Dec 2016, 18:16 »

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1705 on: 07 Dec 2016, 02:00 »

From http://imgur.com/gallery/t5LaE:

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they might have died from Avian Flu.

A bird pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an ornithological behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck".

Only in America New England.
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bhtooefr

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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1706 on: 15 Dec 2016, 04:15 »

Here's some fresh ground coffee to wake up with:

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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1707 on: 15 Dec 2016, 20:23 »

In The Chroncles of Narnia, the Talking Mice compensated for their small size by being exceptionally brave warriors.

Their slogan could have been
"The few. The proud. The Murines."
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cesium133

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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1708 on: 23 Jan 2017, 09:47 »

[tweet]823579689948155904[/tweet]
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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1709 on: 23 Jan 2017, 13:35 »

Here's some fresh ground coffee to wake up with:



There is a level in Hades for people who waste Coffee like that!!!!!


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cesium133

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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1710 on: 23 Jan 2017, 17:34 »

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Tova

Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1711 on: 24 Jan 2017, 15:37 »

Wondermark is hitting it out of the park at the moment.

http://wondermark.com/c1286/
http://wondermark.com/c1287/
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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1712 on: 26 Jan 2017, 16:40 »

[tweet]824775706471174147[/tweet]
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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1713 on: 26 Jan 2017, 22:36 »

My wife went to the chiropractor for a massage. Her knee was hurting but she limited the massage to back and shoulders. She said that going further would be misogyny.
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Method of Madness

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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1714 on: 27 Jan 2017, 05:33 »

I get the knee at the end but the rest is lost on me.
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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1715 on: 27 Jan 2017, 10:20 »

Massage a knee.
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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1716 on: 27 Jan 2017, 11:42 »

Oh.
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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1717 on: 01 Feb 2017, 17:59 »

Why can't introverts have a food of their own?

Extroverts have extroversion olive oil.
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"Non-compliance is a social skill"
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LTK

Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1718 on: 11 Feb 2017, 08:59 »

I offered my friend a German beer, but he refused, being all snobby about it. He said it was too l÷webrau.
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Kugai

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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1719 on: 11 Feb 2017, 14:05 »

Sounds like he's a bit sour about kraut beer
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James The Kugai 

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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1720 on: 11 Feb 2017, 23:49 »

Whatever country you make the beer in, the yeast needs to Germanate.
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Akima

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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1721 on: 14 Feb 2017, 04:17 »

If you make a beer-tankard out of parts of old broken ones, should you call it a frankenstein?
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jwhouk

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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1722 on: 14 Feb 2017, 06:24 »

That's FRONK-en-Steen...
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cesium133

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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1723 on: 14 Feb 2017, 08:36 »

Fronkenshteen would like to drive a car, but he's not a Froaderick.
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Kugai

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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1724 on: 14 Feb 2017, 14:35 »

And you wouldn't want to make a Hobbit of it.
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James The Kugai 

You can never have too much Coffee.

Tova

Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1725 on: 25 Feb 2017, 03:46 »

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bhtooefr

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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1726 on: 25 Feb 2017, 17:01 »

[tweet]835271332812083200[/tweet]
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Method of Madness

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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1727 on: 26 Feb 2017, 06:17 »



For some reason posting the tweet didn't post the actual picture.
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They call me Mr. Madness.

Quote from: Polonius
Though this be madness, yet there is method in't.
MR ARCHIVE-FU MADNESS
Does anybody really know what time it is?
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bhtooefr

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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1728 on: 26 Feb 2017, 06:37 »

I see the picture on my end (Vivaldi on desktop Windows), it may depend on what client you're using (mobile web, Tapatalk, or desktop).
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Method of Madness

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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1729 on: 26 Feb 2017, 06:39 »

Interesting, it doesn't show up on desktop Firefox OR mobile Safari, but when I disabled my content blockers on mobile Safari the whole tweet showed up instead of just text and a link to the tweet. So...maybe tweets get seen as an ad for some reason?
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They call me Mr. Madness.

Quote from: Polonius
Though this be madness, yet there is method in't.
MR ARCHIVE-FU MADNESS
Does anybody really know what time it is?
(╯░□░)╯︵ ┻━┻

cesium133

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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1730 on: 26 Feb 2017, 07:20 »

Both worked fine for me (Firefox on Windows 7).
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Method of Madness

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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1731 on: 26 Feb 2017, 07:35 »

Super bizarre, then.
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They call me Mr. Madness.

Quote from: Polonius
Though this be madness, yet there is method in't.
MR ARCHIVE-FU MADNESS
Does anybody really know what time it is?
(╯░□░)╯︵ ┻━┻

Tova

Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1732 on: 04 Mar 2017, 06:01 »

Not so much pun as double entendre, but amusing nonetheless.

Annals of email porn filtering
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bhtooefr

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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1733 on: 05 Mar 2017, 08:24 »

[tweet]834454023260532737[/tweet]
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bhtooefr

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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1734 on: 15 Mar 2017, 17:06 »

[tweet]539908657501446144[/tweet]
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Kugai

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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1735 on: 16 Mar 2017, 13:02 »

Id circle that pun with care
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James The Kugai 

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cesium133

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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1736 on: 16 Mar 2017, 14:44 »

[tweet]842293450997436416[/tweet]
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Neko_Ali

Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1737 on: 16 Mar 2017, 14:50 »

Let's be honest here... If someone was presented with such a clear punchline, people would have really gone after him for not taking such a low hanging fruit. And truly, he would have deserved every raspberry that he got.
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Tova

Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1738 on: 17 Mar 2017, 02:34 »

I'm glad that headline has been preserved.
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Akima

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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1739 on: 20 Mar 2017, 01:32 »

That is such a good pun, I'm finding it hard not to be jelly.
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bhtooefr

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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1740 on: 21 Mar 2017, 02:48 »

[tweet]733229485802184704[/tweet]
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Kugai

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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1741 on: 21 Mar 2017, 16:30 »

But what key is it in.
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James The Kugai 

You can never have too much Coffee.

Tova

Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1742 on: 22 Mar 2017, 02:07 »

A flat.
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Kugai

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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1743 on: 22 Mar 2017, 15:34 »

Minor?
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James The Kugai 

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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1744 on: 01 Apr 2017, 22:09 »

How does a guitar player count coup?

With a coup stick guitar.

A man was out at a restaurant with religious friends, the type who say they warmly care about gay people even though they consider them sinful.

The restaurant was noisy and one of his friends couldn't hear him.

The man said "You know what to do. Hate the din, love the dinner."
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Kugai

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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1745 on: 02 Apr 2017, 15:54 »

Gave hos friend something to chew over  then
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James The Kugai 

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bhtooefr

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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1746 on: 05 Apr 2017, 00:26 »

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines.
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Method of Madness

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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1747 on: 05 Apr 2017, 05:14 »

A business magazine had two equally qualified candidates for one position. They spent all day going over their resumes before picking the candidate who had thickened their font. Why? Because Fortune favors the bold.
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They call me Mr. Madness.

Quote from: Polonius
Though this be madness, yet there is method in't.
MR ARCHIVE-FU MADNESS
Does anybody really know what time it is?
(╯░□░)╯︵ ┻━┻

bhtooefr

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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1748 on: 24 Apr 2017, 18:38 »

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Re: Random Puns
« Reply #1749 on: 25 Apr 2017, 04:00 »

Never trust a kleptomaniac. They take everything, literally.

Never trust an atom, they make up everything.

Also that Mondays one is FUCKING AMAZING.
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