Realized a few weeks ago I am probably the happiest I've ever been. Not a toothy-grinny type happiness (although that kind certainly comes into play from time to time), but more a prevailing/systemic contentedness with how life is and not so much worry spent on what life could be or isn't. Life is totally good. It's been totally good for, like, months now. The last time I was this consistently happy was probably early/mid-childhood, and really all I remember from childhood is the bubble baths and getting shampoo in my eye and wailing about it so my mom would come in and pay attention to me. (It's been awhile, my mother no longer helps me bathe and also I have not yet figured out in my adult life how to draw a bubble bath where the bubbles don't disintegrate in less than 10-15 minutes, is there some trick to it I'm unaware of or is my childhood nostalgia for bubble baths making them seem better than they really are waaah)
I guess it's more than a little banal to say, but it really, really took me by surprise, realizing how good life can be. I kind of had no idea. I spend most of my time reading and I took up hiking and I am starting to make friends, like other normal human people seem to do. I've been writing every day for well over a year now and it has not driven me crazy, the way it can sometimes. My teachers don't resent me for being the smart kid who never shows up (actually/proverbially). I've mostly quit my anxious tics (skin picking, hair pulling, blah blah) and I've learned not to be so hard on myself if/when I fall back into it. I still mostly assume people do not like me even when I have overwhelming evidence to the contrary. But, y'know, baby steps, people.