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Author Topic: This thread is like a broken pencil: pointless.  (Read 194594 times)

LTK

Re: This thread is like a broken pencil: pointless.
« Reply #2350 on: 30 Sep 2017, 17:56 »

This is a fun read from 2008: The Monetary Density of Things.
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I just got the image of a midwife and a woman giving birth swinging towards each other on a trapeze - when they meet, the midwife pulls the baby out. The knife juggler is standing on the floor and cuts the umbilical cord with a a knifethrow.

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Re: This thread is like a broken pencil: pointless.
« Reply #2351 on: 01 Oct 2017, 16:36 »

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You see, there are still faint glimmers of civilization left in this barbaric slaughterhouse that was once known as humanity. Indeed that's what we provide in our own modest, humble, insignificant... oh, fuck it. - M. Gustave

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Re: This thread is like a broken pencil: pointless.
« Reply #2352 on: 03 Oct 2017, 07:35 »

BUTTS!

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"Being human, having your health; that's what's important."  (from: Magical Shopping Arcade Abenobashi )
"As long as we're all living, and as long as we're all having fun, that should do it, right?"  (from: The Eccentric Family )

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Re: This thread is like a broken pencil: pointless.
« Reply #2353 on: 03 Oct 2017, 07:39 »


They really should be more careful, or they'll break the China.
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Re: This thread is like a broken pencil: pointless.
« Reply #2354 on: 03 Oct 2017, 16:24 »

A whole lot of people believe in ghosts. 

I dunno about that, but goats are definitely real.  And you know, goats in the machine can explain a lot of bizarre behavior that might otherwise be attributed to... well, you know... 
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Re: This thread is like a broken pencil: pointless.
« Reply #2355 on: 03 Oct 2017, 16:58 »

I don't wanna know the guy who's in direct contact with at least 5 goats' butts at any given time.

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Re: This thread is like a broken pencil: pointless.
« Reply #2356 on: 03 Oct 2017, 18:05 »

I wish the ghosts would talk to me, it would be nice to have more friends. We could start a book club.

Please someone write that story.
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Re: This thread is like a broken pencil: pointless.
« Reply #2357 on: 04 Oct 2017, 00:58 »

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"Being human, having your health; that's what's important."  (from: Magical Shopping Arcade Abenobashi )
"As long as we're all living, and as long as we're all having fun, that should do it, right?"  (from: The Eccentric Family )

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Re: This thread is like a broken pencil: pointless.
« Reply #2358 on: 04 Oct 2017, 06:03 »

I wish the ghosts would talk to me, it would be nice to have more friends. We could start a book club.

Please someone write that story.

It exists.  It was actually really touching. I will endeavor to find it again!

Found it:
http://www.wildelifecomic.com/comic/1

Not so much book club because...well you'll find out.  :-D  Honestly I only read chapter 1 (on imgur) and had no idea that the story continues.  Enjoy!
« Last Edit: 04 Oct 2017, 06:18 by LeeC »
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Re: This thread is like a broken pencil: pointless.
« Reply #2359 on: 04 Oct 2017, 07:07 »

Thanks! This is making up for a personally rough week.
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Re: This thread is like a broken pencil: pointless.
« Reply #2360 on: 04 Oct 2017, 11:13 »

Quippet the Shaman's apprentice (as well as the verbiage following the URL, which you should visit for the picture) is the original creation of the artist Ursula Vernon.

https://www.deviantart.com/art/Quippet-Shaman-s-Apprentice-358983150


Quippet didn’t want to be a shaman.

He didn’t like shamany things. Incense set off his asthma. He wasn’t good at chanting. Fasting made him feel hungry, not enlightened. And the Spotted Mushroom Drink made him throw up, and one time he’d been out getting it and gotten between some reindeer and the mushrooms and…well…it was ugly. He’d needed a whole lot of stitches. Reindeer are hardcore.

The problem was that he heard voices.

Crazy-Wool, the tribe’s shaman, told him that the spirits were tormenting him and his only choice was to become initiated as a shaman, go into the spirit world, and battle them into submission. “The spirits must be bent to your will!” bleated Crazy-Wool, his breath reeking of the Spotted Mushroom Drink. “They will drive you down into madness unless you have the strength to resist their wickedness!”

“Uh-huh,” said Quippet, trying not to cough.

The elder shaman told him, sometimes two or three times a day, how vital it was that he stand strong against the influence of the spirit-voices, that he refuse to listen to their wiles, and that if they ever told him to do anything, he was to come to Crazy-Wool immediately.

Quippet always agreed—and felt guilty—and went to go alphabetize the magic rocks.

Truth was, the spirit voices told him to do things all the time.

They said “It’s snowing out, you better wear a hat or you’ll catch your death.”

They said “You should have a hot cup of tea and everything’ll look better in the morning.”

They said “You try to have a nice day now, Quippet.”

They said “You’re a good sheep, Quippet, you keep your chin up and watch out for those nasty reindeer.”

And every year on his birthday, they all sang a rousing chorus of “For He’s A Jolly Good Sheep” and took turns telling him how much they valued his friendship and how proud they were of all he’d accomplished. One of the voices even composed a small poem in his honor. (It wasn’t a terribly good poem, but all the voices cheered anyway and Quippet had been very moved and a little confused.)

He didn’t want to go into the spirit world and battle them. He was horribly afraid that if he tried, he’d come back out with a cup of tea and a small note saying that everyone loved him very much and wanted him to be happy.

It was all very worrisome.
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Re: This thread is like a broken pencil: pointless.
« Reply #2361 on: 04 Oct 2017, 12:02 »

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Re: This thread is like a broken pencil: pointless.
« Reply #2362 on: 04 Oct 2017, 12:14 »

That intrigues me but I also hate it for reasons I don't even begin to understand.
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Re: This thread is like a broken pencil: pointless.
« Reply #2363 on: 04 Oct 2017, 15:33 »





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Re: This thread is like a broken pencil: pointless.
« Reply #2364 on: 05 Oct 2017, 09:17 »

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You see, there are still faint glimmers of civilization left in this barbaric slaughterhouse that was once known as humanity. Indeed that's what we provide in our own modest, humble, insignificant... oh, fuck it. - M. Gustave

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Re: This thread is like a broken pencil: pointless.
« Reply #2365 on: 05 Oct 2017, 10:34 »

Seagulls? Mmmmm! Stop it now!
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Re: This thread is like a broken pencil: pointless.
« Reply #2366 on: 05 Oct 2017, 10:46 »

Run.  Run so far away.
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Re: This thread is like a broken pencil: pointless.
« Reply #2367 on: 05 Oct 2017, 10:47 »

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You see, there are still faint glimmers of civilization left in this barbaric slaughterhouse that was once known as humanity. Indeed that's what we provide in our own modest, humble, insignificant... oh, fuck it. - M. Gustave

Neko_Ali

Re: This thread is like a broken pencil: pointless.
« Reply #2368 on: 05 Oct 2017, 15:05 »

'and 501 others' liked.. I see what they did there...
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Piglet wondered how it was that every conversation with Eeyore seemed to go wrong.

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Re: This thread is like a broken pencil: pointless.
« Reply #2370 on: 06 Oct 2017, 07:27 »



In case you get the Edvard Munchies.
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"Being human, having your health; that's what's important."  (from: Magical Shopping Arcade Abenobashi )
"As long as we're all living, and as long as we're all having fun, that should do it, right?"  (from: The Eccentric Family )

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Re: This thread is like a broken pencil: pointless.
« Reply #2372 on: 08 Oct 2017, 17:09 »

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Re: This thread is like a broken pencil: pointless.
« Reply #2373 on: 08 Oct 2017, 17:25 »

So an old friend and I met up in DC for lunch to catch up.  We haven't seen each other in a year, so lunch was just not enough time to get up to speed.  The establishment was was anxious to get rid of us since they know we wouldn't be ordering more and they wanted the space for new customers. This can be common in the US, granted we stayed an additional hour after finishing our meal.  Being that I live in DC, there were plenty of places to walk and talk. We walked several blocks to get to the DC mall and walked the grounds.  There was some sort of christian or religious festival and concert happening on the mall.  We past it and sat along the waterfront of the Grant memorial in front of the Capital building.  We had been catching up for about 6 hours when we decided we should return home to our wives.  As we left the Grant monument, we saw a peculiar site.  3 men were on the other side of the street (diagonally from us) waiting to cross to our same destination. "Yep, those are penises" I said.  There was a young Indian man on a bike waiting to cross with us and he looked over too.  The 3 of us just started laughing.  2 of the 3 men on the other side of the road were wearing giant inflatable penis costumes, complete with testicles.  We snapped some photos of the walking chodes as they walked by on their way to the christian festival, which I am sure was their target.  I sent said knob pictures to my brother to warn him about moving to DC as there are too many dicks here.  He laughed hysterically.  I would post the picture here but I am sure the mods would be quite upset.

TL;DR - And that's the story of how I sent my brother an unsolicited dick pic.
« Last Edit: 08 Oct 2017, 17:30 by LeeC »
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You see, there are still faint glimmers of civilization left in this barbaric slaughterhouse that was once known as humanity. Indeed that's what we provide in our own modest, humble, insignificant... oh, fuck it. - M. Gustave

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Re: This thread is like a broken pencil: pointless.
« Reply #2374 on: 09 Oct 2017, 15:58 »

Quote
“hello,” the dark lord said, “i need a library card.”

“everyone needs a library card,” the librarian said brightly, sliding a form across the desk. “fill this out.”

the dark lord produced her own elaborated plumed quill from the depths of her robes and scrawled her name in handwriting that was completely illegible but seemed to whisper the secrets of the dark from the blinding white page. “yes, but i need mine in order to take over the tri-kingdom area.”

the librarian’s polite smile barely faltered. “funny, the last dark lord to try that didn’t bother with a card.”

“yes, and do you see that fool currently ruling our kingdom? no. of course not. utterly ridiculous, to attempt to take over any size country without a library card, much less an intermediate-sized one like this.” she accepted the thin plastic card with a gracious flourish of her gloved hand.

the librarian, adding the new card’s number to the database, privately agreed, but chose not to say anything.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

the librarian balanced the pile of pulled books under one elbow and held the list of call numbers in their hand for easy consultation. “intermediate spell casting for grades three and four,” they murmured, running fingers along the peeling spines until they found it. “willing to bet that’s sorrel’s request.”

they fit the large, paperbound book under their elbow and moved on, checking the list again. “magical creatures encyclopedia, L through M. that’s jackaby trying to finish the entire set by midsummer.” they would get that one last to carry it around the shortest amount of time.

“next — the complete guide to raising the dead.” they paused in front of the row of shelves with the right call numbers. they could guess the requester of that one too, but knew better than to say it out loud.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

the return slot thunked loudly as it swung open and closed, having swallowed the returned books with a wet gulp.

“good morning,” the dark lord said pleasantly as she looked up from sliding her books in — or as pleasantly as “good morning” could sound when it was uttered by a voice that sounded like gravel being chewed to pieces by the jaws of a large monster.

“it is, very,” the librarian said crisply, conjuring a clean handkerchief for the still-slobbering return slot.

the mouth just visible under the dark lord’s enormous cloak hood curved into a scythe’s blade smile, but she said nothing else.

“did you enjoy your books?” the librarian asked, since she wasn’t moving and there were no other people waiting (most likely because of the dark lord standing there).

the hood nodded up and down. “extremely. especially the taped lecture by doctor dramidius ardorius of the dark arts institute.”

“well, we have many more taped lectures. i especially recommend the one on the healing powers of tea.” they tilted their head in a now get out sign. the poor steam-powered self-checkout contraption would get overheated if people were too scared to check out at the front desk.

they didn’t really expect the dark lord to take the recommendation seriously, but the next day they noticed the cloaked, hooded specter glide out the door with the taped lecture on magic-infused herbal teas tucked between a CD of dark chants and a step-by-step art book on drawing occult symbols.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“you give good recommendations,” the dark lord said with a shrug when the librarian raised their eyes from the front desk’s computer to the shadows of her hood.

the librarian wasn’t sure what to say. “you seem to take up quite a lot of my time.”

“i’m only a simple library patron,” the dark lord replied in a saintly voice that resembled a dragon coughing up a partially digested house. “do you enjoy mermaid song?”

“yes. you can find the library’s collection in the CD section over there.” they looked pointedly back down at the computer.

“i hear there’s a concert on the shore tomorrow evening.”

“perhaps we’ll get a recording of it.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

the dark lord continued taking out books on various unsavory topics. the librarian continued suggesting books on healing, positive thinking, and community service. the dark lord seemed more amused with each visit. her smile was almost charming, when you got past the long, sharp teeth.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

the librarian was trying to go about their usual morning ritual of pulling books that had been requested the night before, but the dark lord wouldn’t stop making faces at them from behind gaps in the shelves. she seemed to find it hilarious. the librarian hadn’t decided yet if they were amused or annoyed.

“ooh, look at this,” the dark lord said, pulling a sturdy but beaten up board book featuring a werewolf mid-transformation on the cover from the shelf. “this was my favorite when i was just a little menace.”

“somehow i’m not surprised.”

the dark lord tucked the book into the ridiculous basket made of a large skull that floated alongside her. “didn’t you have a favorite picture book when you were little?”

“Barker the Sentient Book End,” the librarian said promptly. “i screamed for it every night until someone read it to me, long after i’d already memorized each page.”

the dark lord cooed, sounding like a cross between an owl and something eating an owl. “adorable. i knew you had a little monster in you somewhere.”

the librarian crossly debated denying being a monster at all or pointing out they had actual kraken blood in them.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

they should have guessed how close the dark lord was from how good her mood was, but it wasn’t until they arrived at work on monday that the librarian heard the news.

“the newest dark lord managed to overthrow the faeyrie monarchy last night. something about combining traditional herbal spells with a newfangled mental magic based on the power of willful thinking… or something. the news reporter mentioned the use of mermaid song in a mild kind of mind control, i think? i wasn’t listening. the good news is, our budget stays in place.”

the librarian contemplated hurling the can of bookmarks across the room, but concluded that it would be both unprofessional and unsatisfying. they settled for aggressively stamping returned, only slightly saliva-covered books with red ink.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

the phone clicked loudly. “public library, how can i help you?”

“by taking my offer,” the dark lord said, slightly hesitant voice like a rock slide that wasn’t sure it was ready to slide. “the royal library in the capital needs a new head librarian.”

“why’s that?” the librarian spun in their new swivel chair, tangling the phone cord while they were at it, thinking they wouldn’t want to leave so soon after getting it.

there was a cough like the ocean spitting out a new island. “erm, hmm, last one got… eaten. tragic. these things happen when you’re very, very small, you know.”

“so i’ve heard.” the librarian stretched the phone cord and watched it bounce back. “well, i’m happy where i am.”

“well.” her voice was more disappointed than they’d expected. “it’s a very nice library, you know. large selection of mermaid song in the CD section.”

“the royal library is part of our system. i can request any materials from there that i want to be delivered here.”

a pause. the dark lord had not considered this. “well, maybe i’ll take the royal library out of the system.”

“you wouldn’t dare disrupt the workings of our very intricate library system set up at the dawn of time.”

“maybe i would!”

“no.”

“fine. i wouldn’t.”

the librarian swiveled some more, wrapping the cord around with them until it ran out of give and spun them in the other direction. “would you like to grab a coffee sometime?”

“yes,” the dark lord said, voice too surprised to resemble anything in particular. “i can travel down meet you tomorrow morning.”

“don’t you have things to do?”

they could sense the shrug from the other end of the line. “i’ll move the capital to your town. i can do that, you know. i’m the supreme ruler of the tri-kingdom area.”

“yes,” the librarian agreed, un-spinning to return the phone to its cradle. “just don’t forget who gave you the library card.”
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Method of Madness

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Re: This thread is like a broken pencil: pointless.
« Reply #2375 on: 09 Oct 2017, 20:18 »

I would post the picture here but I am sure the mods would be quite upset.
I can't speak for the other mods, but I'd be ok with it, were it properly spoiler tagged.

Blue Kitty, that story was amazing.
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They call me Mr. Madness.

Quote from: Polonius
Though this be madness, yet there is method in't.
MR ARCHIVE-FU MADNESS
Does anybody really know what time it is?
(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

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Re: This thread is like a broken pencil: pointless.
« Reply #2376 on: 10 Oct 2017, 05:39 »



(click to show/hide)
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« Last Edit: 16 Oct 2017, 18:48 by Blue Kitty »
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LeeC

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Re: This thread is like a broken pencil: pointless.
« Reply #2378 on: 15 Oct 2017, 20:58 »

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You see, there are still faint glimmers of civilization left in this barbaric slaughterhouse that was once known as humanity. Indeed that's what we provide in our own modest, humble, insignificant... oh, fuck it. - M. Gustave

Neko_Ali

Re: This thread is like a broken pencil: pointless.
« Reply #2379 on: 16 Oct 2017, 05:48 »

Well that's just silly.

Everyone knows they get their costume rugs from IKEA.
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LeeC

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Re: This thread is like a broken pencil: pointless.
« Reply #2380 on: 16 Oct 2017, 06:35 »

One of the best exchanges on imgur I have seen.   :mrgreen:

-Holy shit wolves are big animals
-Imagine a full pack coming at you. There's a reason they are normally the apex predators in their habitats.
-Whatever you do, don't run. They like it when you run.
-THAE FECK AM I SUPPOSED TAE DO WHEN I SEES A PACK O WOLVES BEARIN DOWN ON ME
-Stand up straight, firm handshake, maintain eye contact.
-YOU'RE HIRED!
-Welcome to our pack, we go hunting on weekdays and if you find us on a weekend, we're just big spook doggos
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You see, there are still faint glimmers of civilization left in this barbaric slaughterhouse that was once known as humanity. Indeed that's what we provide in our own modest, humble, insignificant... oh, fuck it. - M. Gustave

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Re: This thread is like a broken pencil: pointless.
« Reply #2381 on: 16 Oct 2017, 14:54 »

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Re: This thread is like a broken pencil: pointless.
« Reply #2382 on: 16 Oct 2017, 18:53 »









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Re: This thread is like a broken pencil: pointless.
« Reply #2383 on: 16 Oct 2017, 19:57 »

Hell of a pun-ch line!
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You see, there are still faint glimmers of civilization left in this barbaric slaughterhouse that was once known as humanity. Indeed that's what we provide in our own modest, humble, insignificant... oh, fuck it. - M. Gustave

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Re: This thread is like a broken pencil: pointless.
« Reply #2384 on: 18 Oct 2017, 13:44 »



« Last Edit: 19 Oct 2017, 07:10 by LeeC »
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Re: This thread is like a broken pencil: pointless.
« Reply #2385 on: 19 Oct 2017, 09:07 »

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Re: This thread is like a broken pencil: pointless.
« Reply #2386 on: 19 Oct 2017, 09:56 »

Looks like I'm a 'proper brew' type !  :-D
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Re: This thread is like a broken pencil: pointless.
« Reply #2387 on: 19 Oct 2017, 12:04 »

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You see, there are still faint glimmers of civilization left in this barbaric slaughterhouse that was once known as humanity. Indeed that's what we provide in our own modest, humble, insignificant... oh, fuck it. - M. Gustave

Ignominious

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Re: This thread is like a broken pencil: pointless.
« Reply #2388 on: 19 Oct 2017, 13:27 »

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Re: This thread is like a broken pencil: pointless.
« Reply #2391 on: 24 Oct 2017, 06:07 »

Then there's the ever popular (and probably reposted) narration of the book "Go the F**k to Sleep", by SLJ:

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Re: This thread is like a broken pencil: pointless.
« Reply #2392 on: 25 Oct 2017, 13:45 »

Looks like I'm a 'proper brew' type !  :-D
Pillock over here. Seems kinda harsh.
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Re: This thread is like a broken pencil: pointless.
« Reply #2393 on: 26 Oct 2017, 00:06 »

Me:          "Only barbarians put milk or sugar in tea!"
Obi-Wan:  "Only a Sith deals in absolutes."
Me:          "Shut up, and drink your tea!"
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Re: This thread is like a broken pencil: pointless.
« Reply #2394 on: 26 Oct 2017, 00:32 »

I drift between "proper brew" and "'ard bastard".  That is, of course assuming black tea.  I don't add anything to green or white tea.
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Re: This thread is like a broken pencil: pointless.
« Reply #2395 on: 26 Oct 2017, 06:29 »

Abaart Rayt over here. Which figures, I first drank tea in the north. Although in my dialect it would be Abaart Reet.
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Re: This thread is like a broken pencil: pointless.
« Reply #2396 on: 26 Oct 2017, 06:31 »

I drift between "proper brew" and "'ard bastard".  That is, of course assuming black tea.  I don't add anything to green or white tea.

Ooooo!!!  :-o

Don't let anyone see you talking about Green or White (or any other colour!) of tea!

You don't wanna be labelled as a "Soft Southern Shyte", do you??
 :-D
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Re: This thread is like a broken pencil: pointless.
« Reply #2397 on: 26 Oct 2017, 08:16 »

I should move to Finland

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You see, there are still faint glimmers of civilization left in this barbaric slaughterhouse that was once known as humanity. Indeed that's what we provide in our own modest, humble, insignificant... oh, fuck it. - M. Gustave

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Re: This thread is like a broken pencil: pointless.
« Reply #2398 on: 30 Oct 2017, 11:57 »

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Re: This thread is like a broken pencil: pointless.
« Reply #2399 on: 30 Oct 2017, 17:53 »







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