Fun Stuff > CHATTER
THE REALLY BAD JOKES THREAD
Barmymoo:
I hope I haven't already told this one but I can't be bothered to trawl back looking for it so let's pretend I haven't if I have.
A little boy is obsessed with tractors. Tractors are his favourite thing ever, all his toys are tractors and all his clothes have tractor motifs. His bedroom wallpaper is tractor patterned, his curtains are tractors, his placemat at dinner has a tractor on it. Every year his dad buys him something tractor-themed for his birthday. Seriously, no one likes tractors more than this boy.
When the little boy is almost ten he starts looking round the house for his birthday present, but he can't find a thing. He can't find a tractor-shaped parcel, he can't find any tractor wrapping paper, he can't even find a tractor birthday card. He looks in all the places where adults hide things thinking that no one will find them but there's nothing at all anywhere.
On his birthday the little boy springs out of bed and runs downstairs, convinced that there will be a present somewhere, but there's nothing and his dad doesn't even say happy birthday to him. By lunchtime the little boy is devastated, thinking his dad has forgotten his birthday. He eats his sandwiches in silence and begins to cry.
His dad gets up and grabs his car keys, telling the boy to follow him. They get into the car and drive and a few minutes later they arrive at a farm. There's a huge red tractor in the yard and the little boy's eyes light up; even more so when his dad tells him that for his birthday present, he can drive the tractor around the farmer's field for an hour or so. The farmer shows the little boy how to operate the tractor and then lets him drive into the field and off.
The boy is thrilled and he drives around the field a few times, going slowly and carefully with no problems at all. Every time he passes the gate he waves to his dad and the farmer and they wave back. But the fifth time he mistimes the corner and goes ploughing through the farm house wall, destroying the whole thing utterly.
Well, his dad is furious. He grabs the little boy and hauls him home, shouting all the way about insurance and stupidity and how he never wants to hear the word "tractor" ever again. When they get home he gathers up all the little boy's tractor things into a bin bag and throws them out, and no matter how much the little boy begs he is never allowed another tractor toy.
Like all children the boy grows up and gets other interests and when he's an adult he becomes a fire fighter. He's actually a very good fireman, and he's quickly promoted to the Chief Officer of his station. One day the crew is called to a huge fire at a block of flats where two small children are trapped on an upstairs floor, unable to get out due to the amount of smoke chocking the stairway. Everyone is panicking and they can't think of a way to get them out but the Chief Officer who was once the little boy marches right up to the building, throws open the door and goes to the stairwell. He takes a deep breath, sucking in a lot of smoke, and then blows it back out again behind him. Very quickly the stairs are clear of smoke and he can run up and fetch the children, and he carries them back down to safety.
Everyone is amazed and they all praise him, calling him a hero and a miracle worker. A local newspaper sends a reporter and she asks him what everyone wants to know: "How did you do it? How did you get rid of all that smoke without choking?"
"Easy," says the man who was once the little boy. "I'm an ex-tractor fan."
Dollface:
Q:How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe, and one to put the clocks in the bathtub.
Q:How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb?
A: WHO WANTS TO KNOW?
Q:How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:Two. One to screw the bulb almost all the way in, and one to give a surprising twist at the end.
Q:How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
A:One.
Q:How many gorillas does it take to change a light bulb?
A:Just one, but it takes a lot of light bulbs.
Q:How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.
Two bananas are lying on a river bank when a turd comes floating by. The turd looks over and says, "Hey! Come on in! The water's fine!" One banana turns to the other banana and says, "Do you believe that shit?"
spoon_of_grimbo:
what's small, red & white, and screams a lot?
a skinned baby in a bag of salt.
spoon_of_grimbo:
meh, if i can get away with professing a thorough dislike of the dodgy indie-pop that every other user here loves to constantly dry-hump, i can get away with a dead baby joke 8-)
i didn't really think it was that funny, but a room full of people cracked up ridiculously when i said it the other day, so i figured, wtf, why not?
Patrick:
--- Quote from: Vern LaVey on 23 May 2009, 11:21 ---Careful sir. They don't take kindly to Dead Baby jokes here :-(
They might like you better than me though, so its possible you'll be okay.
--- End quote ---
...I think it was the implication that you were having sex with it that pushed it over the line. MIGHT BE WRONG.
--- Quote from: spoon_of_grimbo on 22 May 2009, 15:18 ---what's small, red & white, and screams a lot?
a skinned baby in a bag of salt.
--- End quote ---
I'd have just said Jack White.
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