Topic: THE REALLY BAD JOKES THREAD (Read 118845 times)

2.0 · « **Reply #200 on:** 31 Aug 2007, 05:57 »

Mom! I don't like my little brother!

- Shut up and keep eating.

Circles · « **Reply #201 on:** 31 Aug 2007, 06:05 »

How do you know policemen are strong?
Because they can hold up traffic.

Why did the ocean blush?
Because the sea-weed.

How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler.

0bsessions · « **Reply #202 on:** 31 Aug 2007, 06:17 »

Y'know, that juggler joke has been said like three times in this thread and I JUST got it.

Jimmy the Squid · « **Reply #203 on:** 02 Sep 2007, 05:55 »

Knock Knock.

Who's There?

I don't like you.

I don't like you who?

Fuck you.

supersheep · « **Reply #204 on:** 02 Sep 2007, 15:26 »

Knock knock
Who's there?
The Gestapo
The Gestapo who?
VE VILL ASK ZE QUESTIONS!

WAY TO MAKE YOUR 1000TH POST NOT BE IN ANY WAY INTERESTING.

Runs_With_Scissors · « **Reply #205 on:** 02 Sep 2007, 16:53 »

My brother and my dad and I were at the lake one time. And we saw this sign that said 'WEAR A LIFE VEST! kids don't float'. So of course my brother, says 'BUT DEAD BABIES DO'. He got in trouble. Lots of trouble.

Jimmy the Squid · « **Reply #206 on:** 02 Sep 2007, 17:29 »

What's the best thing about fucking twenty-eight year olds?

There are twenty of them.

Oh wait, this is The Really Bad Jokes Thread. I thought it was the tasteless jokes thread. My bad.

Yakob · « **Reply #207 on:** 02 Sep 2007, 17:38 »

How many people with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb?
...Wanna go ride bikes?

Wolf · « **Reply #208 on:** 02 Sep 2007, 17:39 »

How do you make a tissue dance?
put a little boogie in it.

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
in case he got a hole in one.

what do you call a cow with no legs?
ground beef

what do you call a cow with only two legs?
lean ground beef

Runs_With_Scissors · « **Reply #209 on:** 02 Sep 2007, 17:43 »

Quote from: JimmytheSquid on 02 Sep 2007, 17:29

Oh wait, this is The Really Bad Jokes Thread. I thought it was the tasteless jokes thread. My bad.

It's a little bit of both

Liz · « **Reply #210 on:** 02 Sep 2007, 19:58 »

Quote from: supersheep on 02 Sep 2007, 15:26

Knock knock
Who's there?
The Gestapo
The Gestapo who?
VE VILL ASK ZE QUESTIONS!

I love it. Thank you.

melmenetkwe · « **Reply #211 on:** 02 Sep 2007, 20:10 »

Q: What's fuzzy and pink?

A: Pink fuzz!!

Lamest joke ever eh?

thegreatbuddha · « **Reply #212 on:** 03 Sep 2007, 00:53 »

A Russian is staggering home from the bar one night when he finds a lamp on the roadside. Rubbing it off a little bit, he is surprised to see a genie pop out. "I will grant you one wish," says the genie. The Russian replies, "I wish my urine was the finest vodka ever made." The genie nods his head and says "Done."

When the man gets home, he pisses in a glass and smells it. Taking a sip, he is surprised to discover that it is the bestvodka he ever had in his life. After that day, every time he comes home, he tells his wife to fetch 2 glasses, and they drink vodka.

One day, the man comes home and tells his wife to fetch only one glass. Perplexed, she asks why. He replies, "Tonight my dear, you drink from the bottle."

supersheep · « **Reply #213 on:** 03 Sep 2007, 04:50 »

Quote from: Misconception on 02 Sep 2007, 19:58

Quote from: supersheep on 02 Sep 2007, 15:26
Knock knock
Who's there?
The Gestapo
The Gestapo who?
VE VILL ASK ZE QUESTIONS!
I love it. Thank you.

The best thing was the first time I told this joke - my friends started laughing after I said "The Gestapo."

Liz · « **Reply #214 on:** 04 Sep 2007, 08:34 »

I keep forgetting to tell it to people. Perhaps today will be the day.

pilsner · « **Reply #215 on:** 04 Sep 2007, 12:26 »

Quote from: supersheep on 03 Sep 2007, 04:50

Quote from: Misconception on 02 Sep 2007, 19:58
Quote from: supersheep on 02 Sep 2007, 15:26
Knock knock
Who's there?
The Gestapo
The Gestapo who?
VE VILL ASK ZE QUESTIONS!
I love it. Thank you.
The best thing was the first time I told this joke - my friends started laughing after I said "The Gestapo."

The thread title said "Really Bad Jokes". It did not say "Super Awesome Jokes". Please stay on topic.

Also: What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson.

Neil Armstrong walked on the moon.

And Michael Jackson

. . .

molests little children.

Cartilage Head · « **Reply #216 on:** 06 Sep 2007, 12:52 »

A thief stole many pieces from the Louvre Museum. Later the police find him in his van on the side of the road, stopped. They ask him, "How could you be so stupid?"

He says to the police officer "No, Monsieur, zis is why I stole ze paintings in ze first place! I needed Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh! I figured I had nothing Tolouse!

bujiatang · « **Reply #217 on:** 07 Sep 2007, 07:30 »

GAHHHH!

muteKi · « **Reply #218 on:** 07 Sep 2007, 15:57 »

Quote from: chocolate_octopus on 17 Jul 2007, 06:30

A motorway walks into a bar, sits down and has a drink. soon after a small strip of tarmac walks in, the motorway jums behind the bar & hides behind the barman, the barman turns to him and says, "What's the matter, you're a great big motorway and he's only a little bit of tarmac?". The motorway says to the barman, " you don't understand, he's a cyclepath!"

I'll tell a joke actually yet to be posted here!
Guy walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac under his arm. Says to the bartender, "The usual for me, and one for the road."

But, man, I've been feeling really bizarre today. Pity I'm not actually in the Middle East.

Peet · « **Reply #219 on:** 08 Sep 2007, 05:49 »

A skeleton walks into a bar, and asks for a pint of beer and a mop.

pilsner · « **Reply #220 on:** 08 Sep 2007, 07:27 »

A skeleton walks into a brothel and asks for a pint of beer and a mop.

. . .

Give it a second.

Orbert · « **Reply #221 on:** 08 Sep 2007, 09:15 »

Ooh, I think I get it. And it's weird.

Oli · « **Reply #222 on:** 08 Sep 2007, 09:30 »

I DUN GEDDIT!

muteKi · « **Reply #223 on:** 08 Sep 2007, 10:32 »

The idea is that it's kinda disturbing.

What do you get when you cross nutella and vegemtie?
Some foreign substance that sticks to the roof of your mouth. If you would dare put it there.

thehoopiestfrood · « **Reply #224 on:** 08 Sep 2007, 11:15 »

I get the beer and the mop, I don't get why he's in a brothel instead of a bar.

muteKi · « **Reply #225 on:** 09 Sep 2007, 12:51 »

Urolagnia was what I got from that.

DAMMIT I SHOULD NEVER HAVE READ SEXY LOSERS NOW MY MIND IS FULL OF SUCH DISTURBING THOUGHTS AS UROLAGNIA+NECROPHILIA

jhocking · « **Reply #226 on:** 09 Sep 2007, 15:59 »

Earlier today I told my fiancee one of my favorite bad jokes:

A chicken sandwich walks into a bar and orders a pint. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

lawl

Runs_With_Scissors · « **Reply #227 on:** 09 Sep 2007, 16:37 »

Quote from: muteKi on 09 Sep 2007, 12:51

Urolagnia was what I got from that.

DAMMIT I SHOULD NEVER HAVE READ SEXY LOSERS NOW MY MIND IS FULL OF SUCH DISTURBING THOUGHTS AS UROLAGNIA+NECROPHILIA

Dude...I totally just wiki'd Urolagnia. I regret that now.

Orbert · « **Reply #228 on:** 10 Sep 2007, 09:10 »

Quote from: thehoopiestfrood on 08 Sep 2007, 11:15

I get the beer and the mop, I don't get why he's in a brothel instead of a bar.

If he were in a bar, then it would just be the original version of the joke. He'll drink the beer, it'll pass right through him, he'll need the mop.

The brothel was to plant the idea that he's looking for sex.

Ã¶de · « **Reply #229 on:** 10 Sep 2007, 09:51 »

Quote from: JimmytheSquid on 02 Sep 2007, 17:29

What's the best thing about fucking twenty-eight year olds?

There are twenty of them.

Doesn't really work with the hyphen, does it?

MuckThatGuy · « **Reply #230 on:** 10 Sep 2007, 10:06 »

So a family of potatoes are sitting down to dinner.

There is a father potato :

and three daughter potatoes :

: (the eldest)

(the middle)

(the youngest).

The father notices that his eldest daughter appears to be malcontent. He asks her:

Hun, what's wrong? You're just playing with your food.

Dad, I'm worried that I'll never find a good 'tater to marry.

That's foolish. Of course you will. What kind of 'tater are you looking to marry?

*...sigh* I guess I would want to marry an Idaho potato.

Ahhh, yes. Them'r good 'taters. Yep... good 'taters come from there.

The father saw this as an opportunity to include the rest of the family into the conversation. He then asked his middle daughter:

Now how about you? What kind of 'tater would you like to marry?

I dunno dad. I guess I'd like to marry a sweet 'tater.

That's nice! Them'r good 'taters too!

Even though the father knew that the youngest daughter was far too young to really understand the conversation, he thought that it would be fun to include her as well.

What about you, little one? What kind of 'tater would you like to grow up to marry?

hehehe.. I'd wanna marry Dan Rather!

[perplexed] ... b..but hun. Dan Rather is just a commentater.

*insert sad trombone scale, here.*

Yakob · « **Reply #231 on:** 10 Sep 2007, 11:35 »

I'm pretty sure you mean a muted trumpet, not a trombone

Edit: what a lame way to hit 200

MuckThatGuy · « **Reply #232 on:** 10 Sep 2007, 15:28 »

Quote from: Yakob on 10 Sep 2007, 11:35

I'm pretty sure you mean a muted trumpet, not a trombone

Edit: what a lame way to hit 200

In my sound library, the sample is called "sad trombone".

I might be wrong, however.

Jimmy the Squid · « **Reply #233 on:** 10 Sep 2007, 17:36 »

Quote from: Ã¶de on 10 Sep 2007, 09:51

Quote from: JimmytheSquid on 02 Sep 2007, 17:29
What's the best thing about fucking twenty-eight year olds?

There are twenty of them.

Doesn't really work with the hyphen, does it?

Well as with most jokes it's meant to be spoken. Also, shut up!

carnivoracious · « **Reply #234 on:** 15 Sep 2007, 21:34 »

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't return?

A stick.

Ahh cha cha cha.

AlexAttack · « **Reply #235 on:** 16 Sep 2007, 06:41 »

Quote from: tragic_pizza on 17 Jul 2007, 05:41

Duck walks into a convenience store, asks the guy behind the counter, "You got any grapes?" The guy says, "no," and the duck walks out.
Five minutes later, the duck walks back into the convenience store, asks the guy behind the counter, "You got any grapes?" The guy says, "Uh, NO!" and the duck walks out.
Five minutes later, the duck walks back into the convenience store, asks the guy behind the counter, "You got any grapes?" The guy says, "I SAID NO, and if you come back in here again and ask me about grapes I am gonna NAIL YOUR WEBBED FEET TO THE FLOOR!!!" and the duck walks out.
Five minutes later, the duck walks back into the convenience store, asks the guy behind the counter, "You got any nails?" The guy says, "NO!" and the duck asks, "You got any grapes?."

/end joke

I've heard this one before but instead of a duck going into a convenience store it was a guy going into a bar asking the barman for heroin and the barman said he'd nail the guy's head to the counter.

Also...
How do you stop a baby crawling around in circles?
Nail its other hand to the floor! BOOM BOOM! (at least it wasn't a dead baby joke)

SeanBateman · « **Reply #236 on:** 16 Sep 2007, 11:50 »

What's the difference between a Jew and a Pizza?

A Pizza hasn't been subjected to years of cruel humour about a tragedy that some people to this day still deny.

ElRodente · « **Reply #237 on:** 16 Sep 2007, 13:17 »

I didn't see this yet...

A man is lost in the desert, stumbling through, thirsty as hell... when he comes across 3 market stalls, in the middle of the desert.

He goes to the first and says "please, have you got any water? i've been lost for hours!" and the vendor says "sorry, all i have is vanilla sponge"
So the lost man shrugs, and moves onto the next stall, a bit more desperate, and asks "please... have you got any water? i am literally dying of thirst here" to which the second vendor replies "sorry, all I sell is Jelly (jello)" The lost man starts to go a bit mad at this...
but he crawls over to the third and final stall, and begs of the vendor "PLEASE... PLEASE... please, you MUST have some water" and the vendor says "i'm so sorry, but all i have is whipped cream". The lost man cracks. "WHAT? WHAT? WHAAAAAT?!" he screams, "HOW CAN THERE BE 3 STALLS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING DESERT AND NOT ONE OF YOU HAS ANY WATER... JUST SPONGE, JELLY, AND CREAM!?"

to which the vendor replies...

"yes, it is a trifle bazaar"

looooong

Joseph · « **Reply #238 on:** 16 Sep 2007, 14:09 »

Quote from: melmenetkwe on 02 Sep 2007, 20:10

Q: What's fuzzy and pink?

A: Pink fuzz!!

Lamest joke ever eh?

You left off the best part:
Q: What's blue and fuzzy?
A: Pink fuzz holding its breath.

I usually say fluff(y) instead of fuzz(y) though.

NothingIncorporated · « **Reply #239 on:** 19 Sep 2007, 00:45 »

What do you get if you dip hay in holy water?

Christian Bale

...o_O yes.

Every man in the world goes into a bar, one of them shouts "I'll get this round" ... what an idiot

What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine "A flat minor"
What do you get if you drop a piano onto a barracks "A flat major"

I like to trick people with

Me: "I've just learnt the best knock knock joke ever, want to hear it?"
someone: "Okay then"
Me: "Okay, you start"
Someone: "knock knock"
Me: "who's there?"

You can get different reactions from that, the best is with daft people who just don't know what to do..they tend to catch fire...hehehehe

Orbert · « **Reply #240 on:** 19 Sep 2007, 08:47 »

Bob's car breaks down one night in the middle of nowhere, his cell phone is dead, so he has no choice but to walk to the nearest town. It starts to rain, then gets really cold and nasty, so against his better judgement, he sticks his thumb out, figuring it's worth the risk.

A car appears over the hill and eventually pulls up to him. Without thinking much about it, Bob jumps in and the car slowly begins to move forward. Bob starts to say "Thanks" and looks over and no one is driving the car!

The car continues to move slowly, and Bob tries hard not to freak out. He is, after all, out of the cold and rain, and on his way to the next town. A curve in the road comes up, and Bob thinks "Okay, now what?" Just then, a pale hand appears out of the darkness, reaches through the driver's-side window, and turns the wheel. Each time a curve in the road comes up, that same hand reaches in and turns the wheel.

Eventually the lights of the town ahead appear, and Bob jumps out of the car and makes a run for it. He finds a bar where he hopes he can use the phone. But first he needs a drink. He has two, and soon the bartender and most of the regulars are listening his story. He's cold and wet and doesn't seem to be making it up.

Then two guys come into the bar, also cold and wet. One of them sees Bob and says to the other "Hey, isn't that the idiot who got into the car for a while when we was pushing it?"

0bsessions · « **Reply #241 on:** 24 Sep 2007, 12:15 »

What has nine arms and sucks?

Def Leppard.

Stryc9Fuego · « **Reply #242 on:** 24 Sep 2007, 13:09 »

Where do one-legged people work?
IHOP
What do you call a cow with one leg missing?
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other?
Eileen.

muteKi · « **Reply #243 on:** 24 Sep 2007, 14:12 »

Two old men are sitting in a retirement home chatting.

"I'm full of aches and pains today Alf. How do you feel?".

"Like a newborn baby Fred", Alf replies.

"Really, a newborn baby?" says Fred, to which Alf replies:

"Yeah, no hair, no teeth and I've just shat myself".

Jimmy the Squid · « **Reply #244 on:** 25 Sep 2007, 04:49 »

Two naked philosophers were sitting outside their university building discussing, well philosophy I suppose. They talked about Kant and Descartes and all manner of philosophy type things. After a lull in the conversation one turned to the other and said
"Have you read Marx?" to which the other philosopher replied
"Yeah, these cane chairs are murder!"

2.0 · « **Reply #245 on:** 28 Sep 2007, 08:41 »

german humor... my dad loves this one.

Jürgen! Have you changed the water of the fishtank?
- No, he hasn't finished drinking it yet.

Jedit · « **Reply #246 on:** 02 Oct 2007, 04:53 »

Quote from: supersheep on 23 Aug 2007, 09:21

I met a girl once by telling her dead baby jokes. We went out for a year.

... and then she gave birth.

A couple of old favourites.

Why did Stevie Wonder fail his driving test?
Because he's black.

What's the difference between a rent boy and a microwave oven?
You can't brown your meat in a microwave.

Why is it better to be black than gay?
You don't have to tell your parents you're black.

What's the difference between bagpipes and onions?
Nobody cries when you chop up bagpipes.

What's the definition of perfect pitch?
When you throw a bagpiper off a cliff and he lands on the accordionist.

What do you call someone who hangs around famous musicians hoping to get laid?
The drummer.

Why don't Catholics eat mashed potatoes?
It's abortion of fries.

0bsessions · « **Reply #247 on:** 02 Oct 2007, 07:00 »

I heard the Stevie Wonder one differently as "Why couldn't Stevie Wonder read." Conversely, I also heard similarly "Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?" 'Cause she's a woman.

Orbert · « **Reply #248 on:** 02 Oct 2007, 10:30 »

You're lost in the desert and run into Santa Claus, an out-of-tune bagpiper, and an in-tune bagpiper, who each tell you to go a different direction. Which one do you listen to?

Answer: The out-of-tune bagpiper. The others are obviously hallucinations.

Jimmy the Squid · « **Reply #249 on:** 02 Oct 2007, 16:06 »

Picture a monkey. Pretty easy isn't it?
Now picture 10 monkeys. Still pretty easy, right?
Now picture 50 monkeys. Is it getting more difficult? Probably not.
Now picture 100 monkeys. You can probably do it.
Now picture 1000 monkeys. It's probably getting harder now.
Now picture 1,000,000 monkeys.

Isn't that a fuckload of monkeys?

THESE FORUMS NOW CLOSED (read only)

Author Topic: THE REALLY BAD JOKES THREAD (Read 118845 times)

2.0

Circles

bujiatang

muteKi

muteKi

thehoopiestfrood

muteKi

MuckThatGuy

MuckThatGuy

carnivoracious

AlexAttack

SeanBateman

NothingIncorporated

muteKi

2.0