Topic: THE REALLY BAD JOKES THREAD (Read 118781 times)

Stryc9Fuego · « **Reply #250 on:** 03 Oct 2007, 05:15 »

Quote from: Orbert on 02 Oct 2007, 10:30

You're lost in the desert and run into Santa Claus, an out-of-tune bagpiper, and an in-tune bagpiper, who each tell you to go a different direction. Which one do you listen to?
Answer: The out-of-tune bagpiper. The others are obviously hallucinations.

Originally I didn't intend this question to be a bad joke, but it ended up that way in my head.
How do you tune a bagpipe?
Incinerate the piece of shit, and grab an instrument that doesn't look and sound like a sack of angry cats.

carnivoracious · « **Reply #251 on:** 03 Oct 2007, 08:23 »

What's the difference between a Scottsman and a member of the Rolling Stones?

The Stones say "Hey you, get off my cloud."
Scottsmen say "Hey McCloud, get off my ewe."

Why do bagpipers march when they play?

It's harder to hit a moving target.

oblivion · « **Reply #252 on:** 03 Oct 2007, 08:40 »

Quote from: carnivoracious on 03 Oct 2007, 08:23

Why do bagpipers march when they play?

It's harder to hit a moving target.

I've always heard that one as, "They're trying to get away from the sound."

Q) What's worn under a Scot's kilt?
A) Nothing. Every thing is in perfect working order.

Q) Why do Scots wear kilts?
A) Sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

Patrick · « **Reply #253 on:** 03 Oct 2007, 10:26 »

What's black and blue all over?

A black man wearing a blue suit. Fucking duh.

Peet · « **Reply #254 on:** 03 Oct 2007, 11:32 »

What is the fastest thing on land?

Stevie Wonder's speedboat.

Ryszardthebored1 · « **Reply #255 on:** 03 Oct 2007, 20:46 »

Why do they call it menopause? Because "mad cow disease" was already taken

Confucius say: "he who eats crackers in bed feel crummy in the morning"
Confucius say: "he who walks around with hand in pocket feel cocky all day"

How did the quadriplegic get up the hill? He didn't

How does a crazy person get out of the forest? He takes the psycho-path

Blue Kitty · « **Reply #256 on:** 03 Oct 2007, 22:53 »

what's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?

any one can chop beef, but no one can pea soup

öde · « **Reply #257 on:** 04 Oct 2007, 04:08 »

What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon?

Ten-ish.

Stryc9Fuego · « **Reply #258 on:** 05 Oct 2007, 09:36 »

Another for those terrible Confuscious jokes above:
"He who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok"

Patrick · « **Reply #259 on:** 06 Oct 2007, 12:25 »

Did you hear about the guy who died after he fell asleep in his garage with his car motor running?

Poor bastard must've been exhausted.

Cartilage Head · « **Reply #260 on:** 06 Oct 2007, 13:42 »

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a pool?
Bob.

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a pile of leaves?
Russel.

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in front of a door?
Matt.

ElRodente · « **Reply #261 on:** 08 Oct 2007, 00:59 »

how do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

put it in the microwave until it's bill withers.

0bsessions · « **Reply #262 on:** 08 Oct 2007, 11:07 »

Hey, did you guys see Helen Keller's new doll house?

...no?

Neither did she.

clockworkjames · « **Reply #263 on:** 08 Oct 2007, 19:49 »

What's the difference between a pile of dead hookers and a ferrari...
I don't have a ferrari in my driveway.

I know alot of dead baby jokes too but... I don't want everyone to know I am a dick.

A duck walks into a bar and orders a pint and a steak pie, The barman says
"Holy shit a talking duck!"
The duck says
"Yeah, I am working on the building site across the street, I will be in here every lunch time".
The barman gets the ducks order, this haoppens monday to friday for a week or two.
The circus comes to town and the circus ring master comes into the bar at night for a pint, the barman strikes up a conversation,
"been a long day?"
"Yeah, it is getting harder and harder to get new exciting acts"
"Hey, I know of a talking duck! I could arrange a meeting if you want... for a nominal fee of course"
"Wow, a talking duck? Sure!"
They chat away for an hour or two until closing, The next day the duck comes in for lunch and the barman says
"Hey, I got a sweet gig for you, How would you like to work in the circus!"
The duck looks puzzled and says
"A circus? like the big canvas tent?"
The barman says
"Yeah! Wouldn't that be great!"
The duck stays quiet, thinking for a moment before replying
"What the fuck would they want with a bricklayer?"

*rimshot*

What do you get if you cross bruce lee and jackie chan?
Your ass kicked.

Blue Kitty · « **Reply #264 on:** 08 Oct 2007, 20:41 »

french exitentialists make the worst doctors

"Doctor, doctor, I have been striken blind!!"
"Meh, such is life"

carnivoracious · « **Reply #265 on:** 08 Oct 2007, 23:09 »

I heard about a guy that tried to commit suicide by taking a whole bottle of asprin.

He failed. Turns out that after the first two pills, he felt better.

Brian mor · « **Reply #266 on:** 09 Oct 2007, 06:45 »

a man walks into a bar....
and goes ouch.

so bad it was told on a drink awareness ad on rte 9state broadcaster for ireland)

ColonelTorch · « **Reply #267 on:** 09 Oct 2007, 21:01 »

Why was the bike not standing straight?

Because it was TWO tired? *slaps knee and laughs*

Damnit I hate my dorm.

Boro_Bandito · « **Reply #268 on:** 09 Oct 2007, 21:05 »

The way I heard that one Brian mor was that:

Two men walk into a bar, the first one says "Ouch!" and the second one says "Yeah, I didn't see it either."

Cartilage Head · « **Reply #269 on:** 09 Oct 2007, 21:39 »

Why didn't the duck make a good doctor?

He was a quack.

muteKi · « **Reply #270 on:** 13 Oct 2007, 09:24 »

Plan 9 from Outer Space
Gigli

Oops! I did it again

The Fountainhead

Patrick · « **Reply #271 on:** 13 Oct 2007, 14:06 »

Your mom ever being a virgin past 13.

(I'm sorry)

Runs_With_Scissors · « **Reply #272 on:** 13 Oct 2007, 14:57 »

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

You can't get much worse than Chuck Norris

Scarychips · « **Reply #273 on:** 13 Oct 2007, 15:25 »

All of those were originally with Anal Prolapse no?

Edit: WTF, everytime we write C.H.U.C.K N.O.R.R.I.S it get replaced by Anal Prolapse?

muteKi · « **Reply #274 on:** 13 Oct 2007, 16:24 »

Doctor! There's something wrong with my lower intestine!

Oh dear, I think that you have Norris of the Chuck. That's okay. It can be cured by a roundhouse kick... to the ass.

muteKi. Making bizarre jokes relevant to the dynamics of the community.

Patrick · « **Reply #275 on:** 13 Oct 2007, 17:27 »

@ Scarychips: Yeah, that word filter's been in place for over a year now. Ever since those Norris jokes gained huge meme status, and ever since Jeph and the admin/mod group got sick of seeing them ALL OVER THE PLACE, the wordfilter's been in place, and the forum was immediately bettered.

An unfortunate side effect was that my then-ignorant, curious mind didn't know what an anal prolapse actually was at the time, so I GISed it. Fortunately, I've seen enough Goatse and Tubgirl-type stuff (and much, MUCH worse) to numb me to it, but it really wasn't pretty. Therefore, I highly suggest doing so ^__^

Jedit · « **Reply #276 on:** 14 Oct 2007, 03:08 »

Quote from: Runs_With_Scissors on 13 Oct 2007, 14:57

When Anal Prolapse has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

My word, a Norris joke I haven't heard 240 times before. Why are all the good women 10,000 miles away and probably not legal?

Norris once simultaneously beat Garry Kasparov, Anatoly Karpov and Bobby Fischer at chess. They weren't intimidated, but their kings dropped dead of fear.

malfeasance · « **Reply #277 on:** 14 Oct 2007, 05:22 »

Orbert, I'm pretty sure your signature is the funniest joke i've read in this entire post.
"There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who don't."
Possibly my ego just felt good because I got it. Now go ahead and crush me by saying everyone gets. Go ahead.

Jimmy the Squid · « **Reply #278 on:** 14 Oct 2007, 05:32 »

Everyone gets it.

Chrasstor · « **Reply #279 on:** 14 Oct 2007, 06:28 »

What did the girl mushroom say about the boy mushroom after their date?

He's really a fungi!

Oh man, my math class generates millions of these shitty jokes. Stupid puzzle sheets.

EDITED FOR STUPID

Cartilage Head · « **Reply #280 on:** 14 Oct 2007, 12:09 »

How did that joke go..

.. I don't know but your mom's a whore.

Stryc9Fuego · « **Reply #281 on:** 15 Oct 2007, 07:22 »

Wow, so we're going full-tilt played-out jokes? Since everyone's favorite Prolapse, Chuck to the Norris is up in here, I guess it's time to move to the damn stupid lolcats:

Jedit · « **Reply #282 on:** 15 Oct 2007, 09:28 »

Quote from: Stryc9Fuego on 15 Oct 2007, 07:22

I guess it's time to move to the damn stupid lolcats:

Lolcats is really bad, but it's not a joke. Unfortunately.

Stryc9Fuego · « **Reply #283 on:** 15 Oct 2007, 10:43 »

Don't you tell me what's not a joke. I'l lolcat your damn avatar for that.

Peet · « **Reply #284 on:** 15 Oct 2007, 10:56 »

If I were an enzyme, I'd be DNA Helicase so I could unzip your jeans.

Patrick · « **Reply #285 on:** 15 Oct 2007, 11:45 »

In Soviet Russia, shitty joke tells you. Done told that bitch twice now.

What do you call a Middle-Eastern man flying an airplane?

THE FUCKING PILOT, YOU IGNORANT ASSHOLE

in b4 'herd it alredy'

Chrasstor · « **Reply #286 on:** 15 Oct 2007, 12:53 »

Why wasn't the cancer patient feeling well?

He had gloves on!

EDIT:

Also! What's the difference between a pimple and a Priest?

A pimple waits until kids turn 13 to come on their face~!

muteKi · « **Reply #287 on:** 15 Oct 2007, 14:21 »

Quote from: KimJongSick on 15 Oct 2007, 11:45

In Soviet Russia, shitty joke tells you. Done told that bitch twice now.

My favorite is this: "In America, you tap dance. In Soviet Russia, dancers tap you!"

I also can't wait until self-navigating cars are on the market so the /.'ers will say, "In Soviet Russia, YOU drive car!"

Patrick · « **Reply #288 on:** 15 Oct 2007, 15:22 »

I'd fulfill my genetic imperatives by sticking my wee-wee in her vagina.

mi doin it rite, gaiz?

Yayniall · « **Reply #289 on:** 10 Apr 2009, 09:35 »

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Bigish
Bigish who?
Not today thanks.

KickThatBathProf · « **Reply #290 on:** 10 Apr 2009, 10:01 »

No Jens you did it wrong you were suppose to insult him mercilessly what are you thinking

J-cob9000 · « **Reply #291 on:** 10 Apr 2009, 10:03 »

Quote from: Yayniall on 10 Apr 2009, 09:35

Knock Knock
Who's there?
New person
new person who?
New person that doesn't know anything about the rules.

Hurr. let's make bad jokes about new people. fun fun.

Dimmukane · « **Reply #292 on:** 10 Apr 2009, 10:05 »

WORST PAGEBREAK EVER

ALSO, EVERYONE ON THIS PAGE IS AN ASSHOLE

Caspian · « **Reply #293 on:** 10 Apr 2009, 10:26 »

how do you get pikachu on a bus?
pokemon!

how many vietnam vets does it take to screw in a light bulb?
YOU DON'T KNOW MAN. YOU DON'T KNOW. BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T THERE.

StaedlerMars · « **Reply #294 on:** 10 Apr 2009, 11:08 »

That last one was actually pretty good I think.

Does this make me Wrong?

JD · « **Reply #295 on:** 10 Apr 2009, 11:27 »

Two goldfish were in a tank. One said to the other "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

scarred · « **Reply #296 on:** 10 Apr 2009, 14:33 »

What did Helen Keller name her cat?

"BLEEAAURURRRGHHHhhh"

....I feel dirty.

Siibillam-Law · « **Reply #297 on:** 10 Apr 2009, 14:36 »

Where does Snow White keep her boats?
By d-warf

schimmy · « **Reply #298 on:** 10 Apr 2009, 15:05 »

What do you call an aardvark with a machine gun?

A well aardvark.

Patrick · « **Reply #299 on:** 10 Apr 2009, 15:32 »

Quote from: Jeans on 10 Apr 2009, 09:45

(Yayniall - this thread is from 2007. I don't know if it's written down anywhere, but typically, necroing is viewed as, ah, an un-good thing. It's okay! people make mistakes, but it would be cool if you could keep that in mind until next time!)

I said it before the other day and I'll say it again: at least he didn't start a shittastic new thread.

(oh god on second thought I really did not need to see that I was even SHITTIER a poster than I am now...)

THESE FORUMS NOW CLOSED (read only)

Author Topic: THE REALLY BAD JOKES THREAD (Read 118781 times)

carnivoracious

oblivion

Ryszardthebored1

carnivoracious

Brian mor

ColonelTorch

muteKi

muteKi

malfeasance

muteKi