Dear Johnny C,
You killed my dog. I hate you forever.
Love,
Imapiratearg.
Dear Imapiratearg,
As part of the company's annual performance evaluation, your dog was found to be falling behind in the following skill sets:
(a) Fetching (*evaluator's notes: subject declined to fetch weekend newspaper - commitment to company fetching goals is suspect - even when successfully fetched, front page of newspaper often bore obvious signs of bite damage);
(b) Playing (*evaluator's notes: subject often appeared lethargic - subject appeared afraid of squeaky toy)
(c) Submissiveness (*evaluator's notes: subject frequently attempted to claim position of "top dog" - subject displayed signs of extreme and worrying career ambition)
Upon review of the evaluator's field report, the company felt that the best course of action was to offer your dog a full buy-out of its position. As your dog showed no interest in the financial settlement, action was taken to terminate its employment immediately. The company is endeavouring to quickly fill the now vacant position of Your Dog, however due to a seasonal shortage in suitable canine candidates, our team in Non-Human Resources have had to fill the position using employees from a local temp agency. The company hopes that you enjoy many happy moments with your new pet guppy, and reminds you that while you will not be charged for this service, damages will be sought if the guppy should fall ill or die whilst in your care. Please remember not to become too attached to your guppy, as due to the high number of pet vacancies the company can guarantee its employment in the position of Your Pet for a period of no less than three weeks and no greater than five weeks.
Thankyou and have a good day.
