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Author Topic: Tell us your funnies!  (Read 22547 times)

mietteissass

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Tell us your funnies!
« on: 27 Jan 2009, 08:28 »

Alright, this thread is going to be for giggles. I would like you to share your jokes! They can be lame, funny, rude, crude or whatever you want them to be. I love jokes! And really, who doesn't need a laugh these days?

I will start. First I will intro my joke so you understand where it is coming from. I was brought up in a multi racial home. My step father is black ( I refuse to say African American because he has never been to Africa). My step sister are mixed and I have a younger brother who is mixed as well. I only say all this because I learned my first joke when I was 3. It was at one of my step-father's family reunions.  They all thought it was hysterical when I told it later, as it was coming from one of the whitest girls they all knew.

A black man walks up to a white man and says:

I have a bone to pick with white people.
When we are born, we are black
When we get older, we are black
When we get sick we are black
When we get hot, we are black
When we get cold, we are black
When we die, we are black

Now white people, when you are born, you are pink
When you get older, you are white
When you are sick, you are green
When you get hot, you are red
When you get cold, you are blue
And when you die, you are purple

And you people have enough nerve to call us COLORED?



Teehee I love that joke. Trust me, it gets a laugh from everyone.
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Re: Tell us your funnies!
« Reply #1 on: 27 Jan 2009, 08:44 »

I think the last joke I heard that made me laugh out loud and then giggle every now and then over the course of the day was this, which isn't actually funny at all and you're only going to chuckle at if you know things that I think most people don't:

Professor Heisenberg was going for a drive when he got pulled over by a policeman. The policeman asks "Sir do you know how fast you were going?" and the professor replies "No, but I know where I am".

I feel I should explain it but I know that that won't magically make it funny.
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Cicero

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Re: Tell us your funnies!
« Reply #2 on: 27 Jan 2009, 08:48 »

Hey, what is Michael J. Fox's favorite thing to eat?   SHAKE AND BAKE.
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mietteissass

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Re: Tell us your funnies!
« Reply #3 on: 27 Jan 2009, 08:56 »

Professor Heisenberg was going for a drive when he got pulled over by a policeman. The policeman asks "Sir do you know how fast you were going?" and the professor replies "No, but I know where I am".

Lol I thought it was hilarious! Thank you, I have never heard that one but I will be sure to tell it to my friends.
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lprkn

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Re: Tell us your funnies!
« Reply #4 on: 27 Jan 2009, 09:15 »

Quote from: Thread title
Tell us your funnnies!
Hey, what is Michael J. Fox's favorite thing to eat?   SHAKE AND BAKE.

:|

Professor Heisenberg

 :-)
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Re: Tell us your funnies!
« Reply #5 on: 27 Jan 2009, 09:55 »

A man has three daughters.

The first daughter comes up and says "Daddy, why'd you name me Daisy?" The dad says" Because when you were born a daisy fell on your head."
The second daughter comes up and says "Daddy, why'd you name me Rose?" The dad says "'Because when you were born a rose fell on your head."
The third daughter comes up and says "kjaglifvgjlfj." The dad says "SHUTUP CINDERBLOCK!"

And

Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading. Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep." Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
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Re: Tell us your funnies!
« Reply #6 on: 27 Jan 2009, 10:50 »

Zere vas two peanuts valking down ze street. One vas assaulted!

(I don't know why that gets me every time, maybe cos it's so lame)
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Re: Tell us your funnies!
« Reply #7 on: 27 Jan 2009, 10:54 »

This thread is a joke.
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Re: Tell us your funnies!
« Reply #8 on: 27 Jan 2009, 11:01 »

My favorite

Why does a chicken coup have 2 doors?
Cause if it had 4 it would be a sedan
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Re: Tell us your funnies!
« Reply #9 on: 27 Jan 2009, 11:18 »

Alright, this thread is going to be for giggles. I would like you to share your jokes! They can be lame, funny, rude, crude or whatever you want them to be. I love jokes! And really, who doesn't need a laugh these days?

I will start. First I will intro my joke so you understand where it is coming from. I was brought up in a multi racial home. My step father is black ( I refuse to say African American because he has never been to Africa). My step sister are mixed and I have a younger brother who is mixed as well. I only say all this because I learned my first joke when I was 3. It was at one of my step-father's family reunions.  They all thought it was hysterical when I told it later, as it was coming from one of the whitest girls they all knew.

A black man walks up to a white man and says:

I have a bone to pick with white people.
When we are born, we are black
When we get older, we are black
When we get sick we are black
When we get hot, we are black
When we get cold, we are black
When we die, we are black

Now white people, when you are born, you are pink
When you get older, you are white
When you are sick, you are green
When you get hot, you are red
When you get cold, you are blue
And when you die, you are purple

And you people have enough nerve to call us COLORED?



Teehee I love that joke. Trust me, it gets a laugh from everyone.
That was hilarious... Too bad I was white when I was born... (See photos thread)

MORE RAC(ist)IAL JOKES!

In Jamaica, we have a lot of "White man, Black man and Chiney man" jokes. A lot of them come from the fact that Jamaica is a real cultural melting pot, so poking fun at each other was not just fun, but became a part of us all.

White man, Black man and Chiney man walk into a haunted house and see a $10 on a table. White man walks up to take it and he hears a voice thunder "I am the voice of the strong and able, LEAVE THAT $10 ON THE TABLE!!!" White man goodly take away himself.

Chiney man walks up to take it and he hears a voice thunder "I am the voice of the strong and able, LEAVE THAT $10 ON THE TABLE!!!" Chiney man gyal up and cut out of the room.

Black man walks up to take it and he hears a voice thunder "I am the voice of the strong and able, LEAVE THAT $10 ON THE TABLE!!!" Black man draw up his pants and replies "I am the voice of Rocket and Sprocket, let this $10 drop inna' my pocket!"
Black man leaves $10 richer.


Man, that joke was hilarious when I was 3.

Anyhoo. God decides one day that he's going to let people into Heaven based on their Earthly stature and accomplishments.
White woman walks up to The Big Man and says "I designed the American flag!" and is let though.
Chiney man walks up to The Don and says "I designed the Great Wall of China" and is let through.
Italian says "I designed all the hedges of Rome!" and strolls along.

Broke Black man walks up and The Father asks, "What have you done with your time on Earth?" Blackie says "Well I may be poor, but I climbed the Great Wall of China, @#$% in the hedges of Rome and wiped my ass with the American flag!" And strolls riiiiiight along.

This was funny when I was 5. =|


A: "I'm going to be the next Hitler! I'm going to kill 1 million Jews and a clown."
B: "Why the clown?
A: "See, no one cares about the Jews. =\"


A man walks into a bar... Ouch. =|
« Last Edit: 27 Jan 2009, 11:28 by MrBlu »
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Re: Tell us your funnies!
« Reply #10 on: 27 Jan 2009, 11:52 »

oh man this thread.
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Re: Tell us your funnies!
« Reply #11 on: 27 Jan 2009, 12:12 »

 So this retarded guy gives head to a janitor..
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Re: Tell us your funnies!
« Reply #12 on: 27 Jan 2009, 12:27 »

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between
assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the
courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.


One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the
ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock
me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room
fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the
professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the
last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the
professor, and cold-cocked him knocking him off the platform. The professor
was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The
other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.
The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine
and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?" The
Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers
who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an asshole.
.............So, He sent me."


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Orbert

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Re: Tell us your funnies!
« Reply #13 on: 27 Jan 2009, 13:11 »

After 12 years of marriage and four children, she still looked great.  Everyone said so, and her husband was so amazed and pleased that he started calling her "mother of four" -- as a joke at first, but eventually as a nickname.  It bugged the hell out of her, but he wouldn't stop.

One night they were at a party, she looked fantastic of course, and he kept going on and on to anyone who'd listen about how great she looked, especially for a mother of four.  When it was time to leave, he asked "Are you ready to go, Mother of Four?"

"Just a second," she replied, "Father of Two."
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Re: Tell us your funnies!
« Reply #14 on: 27 Jan 2009, 13:20 »

daaaaaaamn

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat miner.

So these two guys are waiting in line at the Pearly Gates, and the first one steps up and St. Peter says "Please state your name, your age at death, and your profession in life."
"My name's Mack Jones, I'm 72, and I was a taxi driver in New York City for 35 years."
"Here is your golden staff and your silk robe.  Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven."
The second man approaches and St. Peter says "Please state your name, your age, and your profession in life."
"My name's William Paulson, I'm 67, and I was the pastor for the New Family Church of our Lord for 30 years."
"Here is your wooden staff and your cotton robe.  Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven."
At this, the pastor looks confused.  "St. Peter, I don't mean to be rude, but why was that uncouth, impious man ahead of me gifted with such luxury and I am not?"
St. Peter gives him a kind look and says, "My friend, up here in Heaven, we work by results.  While you preached, people slept.  While he drove, people prayed."
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Josefbugman

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Re: Tell us your funnies!
« Reply #15 on: 27 Jan 2009, 13:30 »

Political Humour:

* Stalin's ghost appears to Putin in a dream, and Putin asks for his help running the country. Stalin says, "Round up and shoot all the democrats, and then paint the inside of the Kremlin blue." "Why blue?" Putin asks. "Ha!" says Stalin. "I knew you wouldn't ask me about the first part."
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Dazed

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Re: Tell us your funnies!
« Reply #16 on: 27 Jan 2009, 13:55 »

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.
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Katherine

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Re: Tell us your funnies!
« Reply #17 on: 27 Jan 2009, 14:02 »

What's brown and sounds like a bell?

Dung.
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snalin

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Re: Tell us your funnies!
« Reply #18 on: 27 Jan 2009, 14:16 »

This must be my favorite, I'm just going to copy/paste it from the place I found it on the internetts, looong time ago.

This is the story about Temperatures in Norway:

Temperatures

    * +15°C / 59°F

      This is as warm as it gets in Norway, so we'll start here.
      People in Spain wear winter-coats and gloves.
      The Norwegians are out in the sun, getting a tan.

    * +10°C / 50°F

      The French are trying in vain to start their central heating.
      The Norwegians plant flowers in their gardens.

    * +5°C / 41°F

      Italian cars won't start.
      The Norwegians are cruising in cabriolets.

    * 0°C / 32°F

      Distilled water freezes.
      The water in Oslo Fjord gets a little thicker.

    * -5°C / 23°F

      People in California almost freeze to death.
      The Norwegians have their final barbeque before winter.

    * -10°C / 14°F

      The Brits start the heat in their houses.
      The Norwegians start using long sleeves.

    * -20°C / -4°F

      The Aussies flee from Mallorca.
      The Norwegians end their Midsummer celebrations.
      Autumn is here.

    * -30°C / -22°F

      People in Greece die from the cold and disappear from the face of the earth.
      The Norwegians start drying their laundry indoors.

    * -40°C / -40°F

      Paris start cracking in the cold.
      The Norwegians stand in line at the hotdog stands.

    * -50°C / -58°F

      Polar bears start evacuating the North Pole.
      The Norwegian army postpones their winter survival training awaiting real winter weather.

    * -70°C / -94°F

      The false Santa moves south.
      The Norwegian army goes out on winter survival training.

    * -183°C / -297.4°F

      Microbes in food don't survive.
      The Norwegian cows complain that the farmers' hands are cold.

    * -273°C / -459.4°F

      ALL atom-based movent halts.
      The Norwegians start saying "Faen, it's cold outside today."

    * -300°C / -508°F

      Hell freezes over.
      Norway wins the Eurovision Song Contest.


If you do not know what the Eurovision Song Contest is, you have had a sad, empty life. heh, two jokes in one!
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Professor Snuggles

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Re: Tell us your funnies!
« Reply #19 on: 27 Jan 2009, 16:16 »

Ha, norway


That's not a real country!
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Social Bacon

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Re: Tell us your funnies!
« Reply #20 on: 27 Jan 2009, 17:37 »

I've heard the same joke around here, except for Canada instead of Norway. The -300°C event is "The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup."
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IronOxide

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Re: Tell us your funnies!
« Reply #21 on: 27 Jan 2009, 19:13 »

I've heard the same joke here, but for us it is "The Buffalo Bills win the Super Bowl".

Old joke is old.
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Re: Tell us your funnies!
« Reply #22 on: 27 Jan 2009, 19:18 »

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

FUCKIN' DR. DRE MAN
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Re: Tell us your funnies!
« Reply #23 on: 27 Jan 2009, 19:30 »

Man america can't have that joke.

PS Kieff, thank you for that joke, my first serious boyfriend was a quite conservative christian who is now in the marines. I almost peed myself because of it. Thanks a lot these are my favorite underwear :c
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Re: Tell us your funnies!
« Reply #24 on: 27 Jan 2009, 19:41 »

What's better than roses on your piano?


Tulips on your organ.
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Professor Snuggles

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Re: Tell us your funnies!
« Reply #25 on: 27 Jan 2009, 21:25 »

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

FUCKIN' DR. DRE MAN

This is my favorite joke.
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Professor Snuggles

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Re: Tell us your funnies!
« Reply #26 on: 27 Jan 2009, 21:31 »

There are two guys sitting on an airplane from New York to La. After a few drinks, they begin to make conversation.

First guy says "So, where do you live?"

Guy responds "I have an apartment in Manhattan, been living there for a while. Really nice, corner views, it's a great place"

First guy says "wow, sounds nice! What do you do that you can afford a place like that?"

The second guy responds "Oh, I'm a beekeeper."

The first guy is shocked, and asks "A Beekeeper? How many bees do you keep?

The second guy says "oh, about 50,000"

First guy says "what the fuck, you keep 50,000 bees in an apartment in manhattan? Where do you have room for them?

Second guy says "Oh, in a shoebox, in my closet."

First guy goes "wait. You keep 50,000 bees in a shoebox, in a closet, in manhattan? Are you serious?

Second guy says "yeah. Fuck em"
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MrBlu

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Re: Tell us your funnies!
« Reply #27 on: 27 Jan 2009, 21:33 »

Yeah, man, I cracked up reading that.

Also, I was horny before I finally understood the "tulips" joke (Someone showed me some news about Nives Celzijus)...
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Re: Tell us your funnies!
« Reply #28 on: 27 Jan 2009, 21:39 »

What does Snoop Dogg wash his white clothes with?

BLEEOTCH!!


What's the difference between Michael Jackson and ACNE?




Acne waits until you're 13 to come on your face.
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Re: Tell us your funnies!
« Reply #29 on: 28 Jan 2009, 03:32 »

What does a 9 volt battery and a girls asshole have in common.

you know you shouldn't but you end up putting your tonge on them both, eventually.
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Re: Tell us your funnies!
« Reply #30 on: 28 Jan 2009, 04:00 »

What do a Snickers bar and a bag of bricks have in common?

They are bad for your teeth.
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Re: Tell us your funnies!
« Reply #31 on: 28 Jan 2009, 04:51 »

What do pelicans and my cell phone company have in common?

They can both stick their bills up their asses.
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Re: Tell us your funnies!
« Reply #32 on: 28 Jan 2009, 06:18 »

A middle aged man and a young boy are walking into a dark forest together. The boy looks up and says, "Gee, mister, I'm scared." The man says, "You're scared? I have to walk out of here alone!"
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Re: Tell us your funnies!
« Reply #33 on: 28 Jan 2009, 07:16 »

Professor Heisenberg was going for a drive when he got pulled over by a policeman. The policeman asks "Sir do you know how fast you were going?" and the professor replies "No, but I know where I am".

Professor Heisenberg approaches a fork in the road, and no one is around to observe his movement. What happens?
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Re: Tell us your funnies!
« Reply #34 on: 28 Jan 2009, 07:30 »

So an infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar, the first one walks up to the counter and says "I'd like a beer." The second one walks up to the counter and says "I'd like half a beer." The third one walks up and says "I'd like a quarter of the beer." The bartender cuts off the fourth guy, says "Fuck you guys" and pours two beers.
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Re: Tell us your funnies!
« Reply #35 on: 28 Jan 2009, 07:47 »

So C, E-Flat and G walk into a bar, but the bartender says "We don't serve minors." So the E-Flat leaves, and the C and G have a fifth between them.
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Re: Tell us your funnies!
« Reply #36 on: 28 Jan 2009, 08:57 »

Deleted on the grounds of gross stupidity on my part, I apoligise.
« Last Edit: 28 Jan 2009, 09:46 by Josefbugman »
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Oddly enough the "oh no boobs!" box in the background of todays comic is my usual reaction.

Patrick

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Re: Tell us your funnies!
« Reply #37 on: 28 Jan 2009, 09:33 »

The Holocaust.
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Re: Tell us your funnies!
« Reply #38 on: 28 Jan 2009, 09:54 »

The Holocaust.
heh, I hear they're all the same.
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Re: Tell us your funnies!
« Reply #39 on: 28 Jan 2009, 12:45 »

my joke is the only good joke
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Re: Tell us your funnies!
« Reply #40 on: 28 Jan 2009, 13:31 »

A guy walks into a bar and orders 10 straight tequilas. Barkeep asks "What's the occasion?" Guy says "My first blow job"
Barkeep says "Nice one have an extra on the house!" Guy says "Nah if 10 didn't get the taste out of my mouth and 11th won't help"

A guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel taped to his crotch, Barkeep asks "What's with the steering wheel?" Guy says "I don't know but it's driving me nuts"
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Re: Tell us your funnies!
« Reply #41 on: 28 Jan 2009, 14:33 »

The following jokes are only funny today.

Why does NASA only drink Sprite?

They can't get 7 Up.

What was the last thing going through Christa McAuliffe's mind?

Sheet metal.
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BrittanyMarie

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Re: Tell us your funnies!
« Reply #42 on: 28 Jan 2009, 15:34 »

Why couldn't Mozart find his piano teacher?

He was Haydn
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MadassAlex

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Re: Tell us your funnies!
« Reply #43 on: 28 Jan 2009, 16:18 »

Sheet metal.

I would listen to this genre.
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KvP

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Re: Tell us your funnies!
« Reply #44 on: 29 Jan 2009, 15:32 »

Why couldn't Mozart find his piano teacher?

He was Haydn
I lol'd.
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Re: Tell us your funnies!
« Reply #45 on: 29 Jan 2009, 15:36 »

Renee Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Are you having a beer?" Descartes says, "I think not," and disappears.
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Failcake

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Re: Tell us your funnies!
« Reply #46 on: 29 Jan 2009, 21:32 »

What do you call white people running down a hill?
Avalanche.

What do you call mexicans running down a hill?
Mudslide.

What do you call black people running down a hill?
Jailbreak.
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Ozymandias

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Re: Tell us your funnies!
« Reply #47 on: 29 Jan 2009, 22:00 »

A racist walks into a bar and notices the bartender is black. He sighs to himself and orders a drink anyway because his opinions are outdated and at conflict with the ideals modern society and making a big deal about it would result in him not getting served.

Also, there is a horse in the bar. It does not talk or drink alcohol.
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You are 9/11.
You are the terrorist.

Darkbluerabbit

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Re: Tell us your funnies!
« Reply #48 on: 29 Jan 2009, 22:14 »

Dead babies.

Helen Keller.

The pope.
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MrBlu

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Re: Tell us your funnies!
« Reply #49 on: 29 Jan 2009, 22:19 »

What do you call white people running down a hill?
Avalanche.

What do you call mexicans running down a hill?
Mudslide.

What do you call black people running down a hill?
Jailbreak.
You screwed up your own joke dude. I've heard it before, and LMAOOOO'd when said correctly.

What's worse than finding a dead baby in a garbage can?
10 dead babies in a garbage can.
What's worse than that?
There's 1 live baby at the bottom.
Worse than that?
He has to eat his way out.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw.

How many dead babies does it take to put wallpaper on 4 walls?
Depends on how thinly you slice.
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rather than place the blame on somebody's undeveloped irony sensor, let's just blame the internet, k?
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