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Tell us your funnies!
onewheelwizzard:
--- Quote from: nashvillewho on 30 Jan 2009, 13:33 ---What's the difference between a dead baby and a rock?
You can't fuck a rock.
--- End quote ---
I heard this one as,
What's the difference between a dead baby and an apple?
I don't fuck my apples before I eat them.
MrBlu:
:(
Dude... I spent a good 30 minutes reading that story...
jhocking:
(old joke that's one of my favorite chuckles)
How do you know the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?
Because if it were invented anywhere else, it would be called a teethbrush.
Chad K.:
Two very old and very ridiculous jokes-
THE MIGHTY FOO
Once there was a man on a safari when suddenly he was shat upon by a very large bird. He went to wipe off the offending fecal matter when his guide, all in a panic, ran up to him and stopped him.
"Sir!," he said. "Sir! Stop what you are doing, for that is the mighty Foo bird! He has granted you great luck on our journey. To wipe away his gift is an insult to the mighty Foo, and brings terrible, terrible things! Last week, I was guiding a safari when a man was blessed by the Foo as you are now. He cleaned away the Foo's gift of droppings, and shortly thereafter fell down a ravine and died. Two weeks before, a woman on safari was also blessed by the Foo, which she wiped away. She suddenly contracted malaria and also perished. Last month on safari, another man was blessed by the Foo, and spurned those blessings. No sooner had he done so than he was eaten by a lion! Take this blessing, and be thankful, for to reject the Foo brings certain death!"
"I had no idea," said the man. "Thank you for your warning."
"Now you know," said the guide. "If the Foo shits, wear it."
THE VILLAGERS AND THE THRONE
Once there was a mighty king of a village on a small island. One day, a boat at sea capsized, sending various items from the boat to the shore. The most beautiful of these was a golden throne, obviously intended to be used by royalty. The villagers brough the throne to the king and set it before him as a gift.
"What would you like us to do with this throne?," they asked the king.
"Place the throne atop the roof of my hut, so that our enemies may see its majesty and be dissuaded from warring with us."
"But, surely this throne is too heavy to be supported by the roof of your hut," they protested. But the king would not be persuaded, and the throne was stored atop his hut.
By and by the king admired the throne, and regretted that he had never sat upon it prior to it's placement upon his hut. "Surely," he thought, "our enemies would be more impressed to see the king of our village sitting atop such a lofty majestic throne." And so one day, he asked the villagers to make him steps to the throne, so that he might sit upon it. When the steps were completed, he ascended them to sit on his throne, only to find his weight combined with the weight of the chair collapsed his weak hut, and he died.
In his memory, the villagers, who so loved their king, decreed in his honor that from thenceforth people in grass houses should not stow thrones.
Chad K.:
An old voodoo priest was married for many years to a woman, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be
heard deep into the night.
The old voodoo priest would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!'
Neighbors feared the voodoo priest, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood, and the priest enjoyed being feares. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98, and his wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she had a large feast where the attendants to asked to laugh, drink and curse her husband's name.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?'
The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.'
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