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Please, Just Let Me Die Already

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BrittanyMarie:
The other day my friend said "Brittany, I like you because you don't like me." meaning, he likes being my friend because neither of us have crushes on the other, which makes our friendship drama free and also really comfortable. (granted, it was 7am and I was drinking vodka tonics and yelling ME TOO OMG) Every time a boy who is supposedly my friend tells me he has feelings for me or whatever, I generally don't hang out with them as much anymore since I think it's awkward and I don't want them to crush on me.

And I mean, you're really tough so I know you can handle the awkwardness, but ... I don't know. I don't think I'd say anything, but I also don't know how you and him are together.

onewheelwizzard:
Emaline, if I were in your position I'd just say "I think you should know that I'm attracted to you," and basically leave it at that to the best of your ability.  Don't make it a proposal for a relationship, just an explanation of how you feel.  If you don't ask him for anything, he doesn't have anything to say no to (he can't exactly say "you're not allowed to feel that way"), and if he doesn't have anything to say no to, he doesn't have very much to be afraid of or awkward about.

In my experience, the more freedom people feel in a decision or a judgment, the better the outcome tends to be.  People who feel pushed into a choice of "will you be with me, yes or no, answer now" are likely to react with much less conscious judgment because the constriction of the situation makes them too afraid to really think about things.  What you want to do is remove his fear of hurting you, because if he's afraid of hurting you, he'll make a poorer decision than if he feels as if he can make a choice based on his own needs and desires without worrying about you.  When he can clearly examine what he wants without feeling the need to worry about what you want, he'll just behave with a clearer and wiser head ... and probably warm up more to the idea that you can be attractive to him as well (for that matter it's possible that being afraid of hurting you is the only reason why he hasn't expressed that to you already).

Now, if you're really really afraid that you'll get hurt here, that'll probably come out in what you say to him, and it'll put pressure on him to realize that there's something he can do that you're afraid of ... he'll put so much energy into trying not to do what you don't want him to do that he'll probably end up doing something HE doesn't want to do, and it's all downhill from there.  So basically if I were you I'd put some serious thought into what exactly you're afraid of here.  If you're afraid of being lonely and/or losing a really good friend, telling him to reject you is basically a one-way ticket to precisely your worst-case scenario because you'd literally be acting as if it's exactly what you want.  However, if you can bring yourself to trust yourself and your friend to stay connected regardless of what happens, and you manage to express that to your friend when you explain the situation to him, he'll feel empowered to do what he wants ... and this will be to your advantage, because I'm sure that one thing your friend wants to do is to make you happier.

Jace:
I'm usually the least qualified person to give relationship advice to, but Emaline, maybe you are finding yourself having crushes on guys because you are desperate to be in a relationship? I speak from personal experience that I would crush on girls before I even knew them (sometimes after I knew them) because they were already friends with me and I thought they could easily be my girlfriend. Sometimes you may just have to take a step back and realize that you don't need to be in a relationship, although it is nice. I adopted this feeling shortly after my last girlfriend and I broke up, and since then, I've been happier, and I've come to realize that it is easier to talk to the opposite sex if the first thing on your mind isn't "I bet we would be great together."

0bsessions:

--- Quote from: MrBlu on 11 Mar 2009, 19:00 ---Maybe he just plain doesn't see you as someone he'd be in a relationship with. Not all guys want every female body.
You might just end up in the proverbial 'Friend Zone'.

(This feels weird talking to a female about the Friend Zone...)

--- End quote ---

It's not at all uncommon. I've actually had it happen multiple times where a girl was into me and I could MAYBE have seen myself interested, but we were already in the friend zone.

Emaline:
Well, guys, I asked him. And it was a pretty great conversation and reminded me why he is totally my bestest friend in the whole wide world forevers. And no, we aren't dating now. It basically went like this:

Me:"you know I am totally in crush on you, and that you should just completely reject me already so I can move on already."
Him:"well, I do really really really like you, but as a friend"
Me:"you've got to reject me better than that. You've gotta say 'Emaline, it's never gonna happen'"
Him:"Emaline, its not going to happen. Not anytime in the conceivable future. But I don't believe in saying never."
Me:"pshaw. Whatevs. Don't ever not say never. Anyway, you're still my best friend ever and I totally love you."


And then we talked about tacos, and books and coffee shops, and giggled like normal. Nothing changed at all, but I feel better for having said it.

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