Topic: Shane teaches you how to become a better golfer (Read 24808 times)

valley_parade · « **on:** 01 Mar 2009, 10:38 »

Because I said I was going to, here it is.

Do you golf? Have you ever thought about golfing? Do you think it's a stupid idea and a waste of time? (Fuck yourself if you do)

I am here to teach you how to become as good as a professional golfer. Feel free to ask questions.

(hint: Step one is to dress ridiculously. The more argyle you wear, the more you are likely to succeed in your golfing endeavors.)

If you manage to step foot on a golf course wearing head-to-toe argyle, they WILL reward you with cute golfing ladies. Like this one.

Barmymoo · « **Reply #1 on:** 01 Mar 2009, 10:39 »

How does one hit a golf ball?

öde · « **Reply #2 on:** 01 Mar 2009, 10:40 »

Hard.

valley_parade · « **Reply #3 on:** 01 Mar 2009, 10:42 »

Quote from: Barmymoo on 01 Mar 2009, 10:39

How does one hit a golf ball?

Excellent question, May.

With the ball on the ground, select a club from your bag (usually not the putter). Stand next to the ball, with it placed a few feet in front of you. Grip the club with the big part facing towards the ground. Draw the club back, and then forward again, so that the big part of the club makes contact with the golf ball. DO NOT FORGET TO FOLLOW THROUGH WITH YOUR SWING.

It won't go very far if you forget that last bit.

the_pied_piper · « **Reply #4 on:** 01 Mar 2009, 10:42 »

Step 2, become Jesus-like.

Jesus Golfs

Masterbainter · « **Reply #5 on:** 01 Mar 2009, 10:43 »

hard is perfectly fine, as long as you are relaxed and focused while doing so.

valley_parade · « **Reply #6 on:** 01 Mar 2009, 10:43 »

Quote from: Masterbainter on 01 Mar 2009, 10:43

hard is perfectly fine, as long as you are relaxed and focused while doing so.

In my years of golfing, I find the best way to get into a state of proper relaxation and focus is to drink heavily both before and during golf.

However, stay relaxed. If you're trying too hard to put a good swing on the ball, you're likely going to hit it poorly and become the laughingstock of your golfing group.

Masterbainter · « **Reply #7 on:** 01 Mar 2009, 10:46 »

you know it's almost wierd how much a couple beers will help you with recreational sports.

Do you prefer caddying yourself or golf cart?

valley_parade · « **Reply #8 on:** 01 Mar 2009, 10:49 »

The last time I drove a golf cart, I crashed into a tree. I find carrying your bag is a rewarding exercise. Of course, it makes it harder to carry a drink.

Step three: No matter what Mark Twain said, golf is a sport. Remember to stretch before golfing (and in between drinking). Here is an example of how to stretch, using a golf club.

Make sure your wallet doesn't fall out of your trousers, as this bloke's is. Then you won't have money to buy new clubs or balls.

Gemmwah · « **Reply #9 on:** 01 Mar 2009, 10:54 »

That is a bloke? That is a very unnatural position for a man to be in.

Stretching!

Furrrrst, ve stretch dis way:

Zen, ve stretch dis way:

Zen ve get into groooops, and stretch dis way:

GOD DEMMIT, not soooo fast. You vil never make good golfer eef you go det queekly.

Barmymoo · « **Reply #10 on:** 01 Mar 2009, 10:58 »

As opposed to women who are in that position all the time.

Gemm knows about women.

Masterbainter · « **Reply #11 on:** 01 Mar 2009, 11:01 »

evidently you have never practiced the fine side of sex golf, which that bloke has!

valley_parade · « **Reply #12 on:** 01 Mar 2009, 11:04 »

Quote from: Gemmwah on 01 Mar 2009, 10:54

Zen, ve stretch dis way:

I've heard the PGA has been mulling over a rule which would require you to putt from that position. This is a great one to practice.

Masterbainter · « **Reply #13 on:** 01 Mar 2009, 11:09 »

Hence, the reason the AGA has a restraining order on me.

Cartilage Head · « **Reply #14 on:** 01 Mar 2009, 11:10 »

Is there a good way to repair a bad natural slice?

valley_parade · « **Reply #15 on:** 01 Mar 2009, 11:15 »

Quote from: Cartilage Head on 01 Mar 2009, 11:10

Is there a good way to repair a bad natural slice?

Place a large sheet of wood down the hole from where you are hitting. As you slice the ball normally, its flight path will run straight into the sheet of wood, and your ball will stay on the fairway.

Masterbainter · « **Reply #16 on:** 01 Mar 2009, 11:19 »

wow, I never thought of that. I believe my game may now be fixed!

valley_parade · « **Reply #17 on:** 01 Mar 2009, 11:24 »

It requires that at least one member of your group drive a cart, so you can tie the sheet of wood to the roof when you're not hitting.

BlahBlah · « **Reply #18 on:** 01 Mar 2009, 11:25 »

Shane, when at the driving range, why is it not acceptable to talk to your friends? People keep glaring at us.

valley_parade · « **Reply #19 on:** 01 Mar 2009, 11:32 »

I'm not entirely sure. The same thing happens to me and my friends, as well.

Emaline · « **Reply #20 on:** 01 Mar 2009, 11:35 »

How come I suck so much at putt putt?

Barmymoo · « **Reply #21 on:** 01 Mar 2009, 11:35 »

I know this one! It is jealousy. Most golfers have no friends.

valley_parade · « **Reply #22 on:** 01 Mar 2009, 11:42 »

Quote from: Emaline on 01 Mar 2009, 11:35

How come I suck so much at putt putt?

I refer you back to the advice about being relaxed and drinking. Another option is to not keep score. The most fun I ever had playing miniature golf was when we stopped keeping score after the fourth hole.

Masterbainter · « **Reply #23 on:** 01 Mar 2009, 11:52 »

so unbelievably true.

the_pied_piper · « **Reply #24 on:** 01 Mar 2009, 13:02 »

A couple of tips on how not to use a golf club in the spirit of the game.

Tip 1

Tip 2

Gurkburk · « **Reply #25 on:** 01 Mar 2009, 14:09 »

Shane, when will you teach me to become a better lover?

tania · « **Reply #26 on:** 01 Mar 2009, 16:08 »

shane, how do i become a better gopher?

Carl Spackler · « **Reply #27 on:** 01 Mar 2009, 17:01 »

I work at a golf course. I have license to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. Gophers, they're like the Viet Cong - Varmint Cong. But this gopher, it won't die. Dynamite, drugs, drowning, guns. Nothing. No results.

How do I kill this gopher?

And that's all she wrote.

valley_parade · « **Reply #28 on:** 02 Mar 2009, 08:22 »

Mr. Spackler, I'd suggest a shotgun. Or the head of an oversized driver at a rapid velocity.

Cinderella story, 18th hole at Augusta...ISSINNAHOLE!

valley_parade · « **Reply #29 on:** 02 Mar 2009, 08:47 »

Quote from: Gurkburk on 01 Mar 2009, 14:09

Shane, when will you teach me to become a better lover?

That's an entirely different thread. And Tania, I would start by avoiding Mr. Spackler here. He is out to kill gophers.

Jace · « **Reply #30 on:** 02 Mar 2009, 09:31 »

Gopher trouble you say?

DonInKansas · « **Reply #31 on:** 02 Mar 2009, 14:17 »

Quote from: valley_parade on 01 Mar 2009, 10:49

Step three: No matter what Mark Twain said, golf is a sport.

A friend and I had a discussion about this, and we decided that to officially qualify as a sport, there had to be defense. Hence, golf is an athletic activity, not a sport.

We had also been drinking heavily at this time.

benji · « **Reply #32 on:** 02 Mar 2009, 14:36 »

There is defense. You're playing against the course designer.

the_pied_piper · « **Reply #33 on:** 02 Mar 2009, 15:09 »

Quote from: DonInKansas on 02 Mar 2009, 14:17

A friend and I had a discussion about this, and we decided that to officially qualify as a sport, there had to be defense. Hence, golf is an athletic activity, not a sport.

So any professional of said athletic activity would have to be in good fitness, no?

Quote from: DonInKansas on 02 Mar 2009, 14:17

We had also been drinking heavily at this time.

That would probably explain it.

KickThatBathProf · « **Reply #34 on:** 02 Mar 2009, 15:31 »

Quote from: the_pied_piper on 02 Mar 2009, 15:09

So any professional of said athletic activity would have to be in good fitness, no?

Carl Spackler · « **Reply #35 on:** 02 Mar 2009, 15:59 »

Quote from: valley_parade on 02 Mar 2009, 08:22

Mr. Spackler, I'd suggest a shotgun. Or the head of an oversized driver at a rapid velocity.

I went and tried the gun, but no success. Maybe my gun isn't very good or something? Someone went and loaded a video of me preparing it on youtube. Maybe it was the gopher? Maybe he knew I was preparing to kill him?

Goddamn Varmint Cong.

the_pied_piper · « **Reply #36 on:** 02 Mar 2009, 16:04 »

Quote from: KickThatBathProf on 02 Mar 2009, 15:31

Quote from: the_pied_piper on 02 Mar 2009, 15:09
So any professional of said athletic activity would have to be in good fitness, no?

Is this a retort? If so, it's actually the same point i'm making as baseball is a sport not an athletic activity [defined by DonInKansas, not me] and these players are obviously not athletes. Hence, they do not participate in an athletic activity.

valley_parade · « **Reply #37 on:** 03 Mar 2009, 05:11 »

Quote from: DonInKansas on 02 Mar 2009, 14:17

We had also been drinking heavily at this time.

You were in the right state of mind to golf, and instead you bickered over whether or not it's a sport?

GET OUT OF MY THREAD.

KickThatBathProf · « **Reply #38 on:** 03 Mar 2009, 06:35 »

Quote from: the_pied_piper on 02 Mar 2009, 16:04

Hence, they do not participate in an athletic activity.

Baseball is still considered to be (somewhat) of an athletic activity

the_pied_piper · « **Reply #39 on:** 03 Mar 2009, 06:38 »

If baseball is then so is golf. All you do in both is hit a ball then walk to the next place you have to go [i know in baseball people run but really, its not that much of a strain]. And like you showed, they don't have to be in good fitness like an actual athlete has to. Hence, none are as golf really isn't.

Gemmwah · « **Reply #40 on:** 03 Mar 2009, 06:42 »

Hey Shane, I heard some guys talking about using their sandwiches on the course. Can I have prawn mayonnaise, please?

Gilead · « **Reply #41 on:** 03 Mar 2009, 06:43 »

Shane which golf club is most efficient for beating a man around 6 feet tall to death?

valley_parade · « **Reply #42 on:** 03 Mar 2009, 06:43 »

For me, the most athletic part of baseball was standing out in the field and not dying when it was 95 with high humidity. Doesn't mean I don't enjoy it. Baseball is one of my favorite things ever.

Quote from: Gemmwah on 03 Mar 2009, 06:42

Hey Shane, I heard some guys talking about using their sandwiches on the course. Can I have prawn mayonnaise, please?

Sure, but that's the sort of thing you'd get from the clubhouse, rather than on course.

Quote from: Gilead on 03 Mar 2009, 06:43

Shane which golf club is most efficient for beating a man around 6 feet tall to death?

I would go with a lower iron (7-9) or a wedge. They're light and easy to swing, but can also do some damage.

KickThatBathProf · « **Reply #43 on:** 03 Mar 2009, 06:46 »

Quote from: the_pied_piper on 03 Mar 2009, 06:38

If baseball is then so is golf. All you do in both is hit a ball then walk to the next place you have to go [i know in baseball people run but really, its not that much of a strain]. And like you showed, they don't have to be in good fitness like an actual athlete has to. Hence, none are as golf really isn't.

Man, I'm not even going to get into an argument about this. Never ends well

valley_parade · « **Reply #44 on:** 03 Mar 2009, 06:47 »

MOAR QUESTIONS YOU FUCKS.

This is a golf advice thread. Create your own damned Golf v. Baseball thread.

Christophe · « **Reply #45 on:** 03 Mar 2009, 07:00 »

Dear Shane,

I got kicked off the course for playing every hole like it was a game of billiards, also because my friend got caught fucking the owner's wife. Isn't billiard golfing considered a valid form of playing golf now?

Regards,
Christopher

valley_parade · « **Reply #46 on:** 03 Mar 2009, 08:35 »

I believe you can get away with it at a putt-putt course. Actual golf courses are far too long for this sort of shenanigans (not the wife fucking).

KickThatBathProf · « **Reply #47 on:** 03 Mar 2009, 08:47 »

Dear Shane,

Please explain more types of putt-putt shenanigans.

Best Wishes,
KTBP

valley_parade · « **Reply #48 on:** 03 Mar 2009, 08:52 »

Due to the small-size of putt-putt courses and the care-free nature of the sport, there are many possible shenanigans.

The most obvious is to compete at putt-putt under the influence.

Others include: doing every shot with your eyes closed, playing the entire course left handed, match play strip putt-putt, using your foot instead of a putter, not keeping score (which I mentioned earlier), and yelling "FORE!" after every putt.

ledhendrix · « **Reply #49 on:** 03 Mar 2009, 09:38 »

Dear shane,

In the event of mass zombie outbreak on the golf course, which club would be the best to keep, and is picking off zombies at long distance acceptable practise?

Yours gratefully

Robbie

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Author Topic: Shane teaches you how to become a better golfer (Read 24808 times)

Carl Spackler

Carl Spackler

Gilead