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Eris:
Not really, but some help would be nice! Each week for my Creative Writing class, two people give out some writing they have done and we have to tell them how they can improve when we see them the next week. One girl gave out two pieces of poetry, and I think you guys are just what I need. First we have:

A black hole of pain

There is a black hole that is dragging me through my past.
I thought I had got through this, but it turns out my pain is here to last.
I cry all the time, each time I feel so weak.
I attempt to talk, but when I open my mouth I cannot speak.

It's like my pain has no voice.
It feels like I am breaking slowly and I have no choice.
I feel like I am falling apart and there is nothing I can do.
I'm starting to believe that the life I love is through.

I'm like a mirror falling to the ground.
Being so fragile I will shatter and the pieces of me will consume all that surrounds.
And I know this time that maybe I cannot fight back.
The truth is that upsets me, I never thought it would end like that.

Maybe it's the end of me being the phoenix that forever rises from the ashes of her past.
Maybe this time the pain will not be able to be forgotten, maybe this time it is here to last.
I question where he is, dad why aren't you here?
I want to hear his answers but what if he says what I fear?

I hope, I want to believe that his absence is temporary, but I am not sure any more.
I want to believe that he loves me, from the bottom of my heart, but he is still gone.
I don't know if I can hold it together, if I can cope if he tells me that he loves me not.
But I have to be strong, be positive, have hope because really he is the only parent that I've got.

His absence will be forgiven because a part of me understands.
I just need him to know that a part of my heart has been placed in his hands.
Will I be waiting forever just for him to call?
Will I always be questioning if he loves me anymore?

I just need him to know that I will wait.
Because he is my father, that is more than fate.
We have a connection that cannot be broken or taken away.
But the truth is to me it's more than our shared DNA.

The tell me I'm just like you, everything I do.
And all I can say is, dad I am the person I am because of you.
But if you turn me away I will just have to live.
Just know that no matter what I will always love you and I will always forgive.


Wow, that was longer than I thought; Ah well. Thoughts? Comments? Favourite lines? Suggestions for improvement?

David_Dovey:
Oh dear

MadassAlex:
My goodness

Tom:
Oh my goodness

a pack of wolves:
The clichés remove any specificity that could otherwise be present in the relationship between the poetic voice and the father. More individual imagery would present a more individualised relationship. This also has a negative impact on the use of a tight structure in the length of stanzas and rhyme scheme: it could otherwise create a sense of confinement in the relationship between voice and father, but as it is the principle effect is one of adherence to a form because it is what is expected, without a critical engagement. It could also benefit from forcing the reader's attention to the structure by breaking it at a critical moment.

Honestly though, whoever wrote it should be barred from the use of a pen for the rest of their life.

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