Fun Stuff > CHATTER
Do My Uni Work!
Allybee:
if this is the work of a girl in your class, maybe it shouldn't be on the forums? like if I were getting critique from my classmates on something, I wouldn't want them asking all of their friends, too. especially because so far, only one out of five people has offered advice.
David_Dovey:
WELL MAYBE SHE SHOULD'VE THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE SHE SUCKED AT POETRY HUH
If everybody considered the feelings of others then the Internet would be a much duller place.
BeoPuppy:
It's ... rather full of used up imagery. The rhyme is simply annoying. And it's a little too long, I feel that if the artist tried to concentrate her efforts in a smaller piece the result ould be 'punchier'. Right now, I'd say: Reader's Digest.
But break it to her gently. It seems she has some feelings invested.
pwhodges:
It's four times too long; I'll take two verses max in that style. To succeed at any greater length it would need some form of development to give the reader a reason to move on through it. It's also rather ungrounded, as there is no hint of the reason for the father being missing (and where's the mother, as the father - though absent - is described as "really ... the only parent").
David_Dovey:
It's rhyming couplets but there is no attempt to actually give it any sense of flow or rhythm. I'm sure these are the wrong terms but you know what I mean- one line is ten syllables long and it's rhyming partner is twenty-five.
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