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[calenlass]

Dear Tania,

I know you are super busy, but I would like you to participate in making my final presentation for my french class, if you can. It's super easy, I promise! I don't remember what all the options were, but I picked "Describe a Francophone country and make us want to go there", and since I hate the class and I have 3 other final projects to do at the same time, I decided to do "facts" about Canada. Also it has to be kind of bland and dumb to be funny because it is an intro class and also full of Normal People, so. I am sorry I guess. I would do something else but I don't want to actually make any real effort for this class.

Some ideas I had:
-National food is poutine/everyone subsists on poutine
-The Poutine is a creature (like the haggis) that evolves from beavers who chew on too many maple trees/eat too much maple syrup/whatever
-Everyone lives in a chateau.
-There is a government-subsidised healthcare plan for moose.
-Everyone has a backyard barbecue to celebrate the first time the weather drops below freezing, before it REALLY starts to get cold.
-Everyone wears plaid.
-Ice Hockey is the national religion.

Basically your part would be to sit in front of your webcam and smile long enough for me to make a rather obvious looped recording, and one clip that will come before the loop in which you look at the camera and wave and say "hello". This is because "my friend Tania, who is Canadian, is joining us LIVE" and also I will dub over your "hello" with "bonjour" but in my voice, unless you want to do that too. Possible addition at the end of "Canada est le meilleur pays de tout le monde!" in an awful not-french accent.

Love, Katie


PS: If you can't or don't really want to, I can always get someone else, because since you don't really say anything I guess it does not matter if they are really canadian. I just thought of you first, I guess.

PPS: If anyone has any other blasé ideas to contribute, feel free.

PPPS: Criticise elsewhere. I am getting an easy A out of this.

[Johnny C]

canada ain't francophone but quebec is?

[Drill King]

Are you looking at old quebec or new quebec sort of culture? Because if it's old quebec(more rural areas, mostly excluding montreal etc) there is a lot of silly stereotypes and funny weird traditions to be found.

[calenlass]

I dunno, I was just going to do canada because I can already make some jokes about canada and now I just have to do them in french? But I guess I could make jokes about Quebec, that would prolly be better, even though I don't know much about it.

The chateau thing and the poutine thing still apply, right?

[michaelicious]

Where did you hear the château thing? It is puzzling to me.

[JD]

British Columbia is weed country.

[David_Dovey]

Where did you hear the château thing? It is puzzling to me.

I live in a chateau, don't you?

[David_Dovey]

Also don't forget to mention Canada's strange attachment to Rush/Sloan/Bachman Turner Overdrive/this guy

[Katherine]

What about the toques, dear lord don't forget the toques

[Jimor]

Talk about the church in Quebec and secretly swear like a sailor.

[Johnny C]

Where did you hear the château thing? It is puzzling to me.

I live in a chateau, don't you?

you live in banff dude you don't count

[KvP]

Also don't forget to mention Canada's strange attachment to Rush/Sloan/Bachman Turner Overdrive/this guy

Can't see it!

But all the same, don't forget these dudes.

[KvP]

That Memphis song is actually pretty awesome

don't tell anyone I said that

[tania]

[tania]

more facts about canada:

- it is over ten years old
- if all countries were ocean creatures, canada would probably be a whale. russia would be a bigger whale. not excessively bigger but i mean, like, fairly notably bigger
- 20% of canadians are members of broken social scene
- the sexual position usually known as "doggy style" is instead called "ranger time"

[calenlass]

[calenlass]

i am not sure if my middle-school--french-teacher professor would like the ranger time one, but I so want to use it

[The Seldom Killer]

The reason it's called ranger time is because doggy style is the name for the proper position in which you eat poutine.

[The Seldom Killer]

canada ain't francophone but quebec is?

and parts of New Brunswick

and parts of Ontario

and parts of Manitoba

and parts of Saskatchewan

Worth noting you're not allowed into first grade in Canada until you can draw Saskatchewan.

[valley_parade]

Katie, don't forget that Wayne Gretzky is deputy prime minister, and that the national motto is "oh, soh-ry aboat that, eh."

[allison]

www.canadiansexacts.org

[valley_parade]

Thank you for that, How I Met Your Mother.

[allison]

also i bleed maple syrup

[Lines]

Don't mounties get in fist fights with bears?

[The Seldom Killer]

Only during their training session. After that it's frowned on as unfair to bears, who are our brothers in nature.

[Lines]

Whatever, don't ruin my dreams of mountie/bear boxing matches that are cheered on by lumberjacks. The part of Canada I visited was not heavily forested, so I can still hope!

[The Seldom Killer]

In which case I can recommend you to visit Dorset in Ontario on Thursday nights between October and May. Meet outside the Beer Store, 5pm, bring some dried meat.

[Johnny C]

canada ain't francophone but quebec is?

and parts of New Brunswick

and parts of Ontario

and parts of Manitoba

and parts of Saskatchewan

actually new brunswick is the only actually bilingual province in the country & by "parts" of saskatchewan i gotta tell you that only gravelbourg is fransaskoise nowadays

Worth noting you're not allowed into first grade in Canada until you can draw Saskatchewan.

clarification: saskatchewan's borders are actually eldritch forms that constantly shift, carving out eerie sigils in the centre of the continent

[Johnny C]

the thing about the first grade is true it's just that it's more about knowledge of ancient and terrifying forms

[tania]

1 in 4 canadians is actually a bear in a mansuit

[valley_parade]

Tim Horton's is a secret plot by the RCMP to slowly Canadianize the US.

[ackblom12]

Also don't forget Grandparent's Day and the Judicial System. Taffy Pulls were never so important!

[Katherine]

Tim Horton's needs to hurry up cause mmmm Tim Horton's

[tania]

rumour has it if you stand in front of a mirror and chant stephen harper's name three times, his face will appear but you still won't understand or care about canadian politics

[Johnny C]

poutine is actually straight-up a myth we made up to see what americans would do with it, and it turns out you can get poutine at a ton of places in the states now. incidentally hey guys how are those obesity stats down there

[Johnny C]

nobody in canada has a chimney. we were a nation of smokers so we have a natural immunity to woodsmoke just filling up rooms

[valley_parade]

poutine is actually straight-up a myth we made up to see what americans would do with it, and it turns out you can get poutine at a ton of places in the states now. incidentally hey guys how are those obesity stats down there

Fat as always, dude.

[Johnny C]

we have the world's largest inland oil reserves and they're actually easy to access, but the plan for 21st-century canadian dominion over the world hinges on that supply so we built the oil sands to trick everyone into thinking that it's like a super labourious process so they stay away

[jwhouk]

<--- Home is often confused with living in Canada.

[Barmymoo]

I hear that there is border control for people trying to get out of Saskatchewan (thanks for that one Johnny, I nearly believed you as well).

[valley_parade]

Life in most Canadian suburbs actually does resemble Trailer Park Boys.

[Lines]

Truth: It's harder to get in Canada than it is to get out of it. In my experience anyways.

[Johnny C]

truth: the canadian-american border is another elaborate lie, the real border is exactly one kilometre north and every foot of it is lined with bear traps

[Johnny C]

this is why canadian expats living in the states are derogatorily referred to as "trapskippers"

[öde]

Canada is known as the great white north not because of the amount of snowfall there, but rather for the massive amount of cocaine consumed by it's residents.

[valley_parade]

John Candy was right, the national capital actually is Toronto.

Ottawa's a ficticious town made up by angry Ontar..ians.

[tania]

all canadians are eternal. none of us will ever die

[tania]

why do you think the murder rate's so low and the police don't really investigate murder. it's a hoax. there are no murders. we made those numbers up to trick you and you believed us

[imagist42]

Canada is known as the great white north not because of the amount of snowfall there, but rather for the massive amount of cocaine consumed by it's residents.

alternatively, it's all the jizz from their furious masturbations

[Jace]

All Canadians are two to four Welsh Corgis in a human suit.