SF Pride 2013 Recap, or: "The Day I Spent 14 Hours Completely Hammered"
woke up at 8 to my friend Lisa calling me to wake me up at the same time as her so that we could go to Pride together. Got ready real quick, went to the grocery store, got provisions (most notably, beer, water, a 5th of peach vodka and some AriZona Arnold Palmers), met with our crew to discuss our plans and transfer the vodka into a plastic water bottle, and then drove to Dublin to get on BART and go to the City. The line for BART tickets was 20 minutes long, it was nuts. I haven't seen it that busy there since the Giants won the 2010 World Series (when we won again in 2012 my friends and I drove).
Once on BART (10am), Lisa and I smelled the whisky and Coke that the people behind us were drinking, so we decided, "Fuck it, let's get started." Yep, 10am. By the time we had reached San Leandro, the train was completely jam-packed with no further room for passengers, so everyone from San Leandro to Civic Center had to wait for the next train. It was incredibly hot and humid onboard (broken AC), and I remarked to Lisa that it felt like Georgia summers. Didn't help that by the time we hit Fruitvale Station, we were already drunk.
We arrived at the station at 16th and Mission around 11, after having split about 1/4 of the 5th of vodka, and proceeded to check out the parade for a little bit. Having quickly grown tired of the novelty of seeing wieners everywhere, we ventured toward the park where Deltron 3030 was playing their show, pouring more and more vodka into the AriZona we had designated as the mixer can as we went along.
Eventually, we were around 18th and (something vaguely Italian sounding) and we hailed a cab at a stoplight. Upon entry, we realized there was no meter running, the guy didn't have any registration showing, and the guy seemed hella sketchy. We approached a gas station, whereupon he told us that he was going to use the restroom, and also "Go pay his water bill." Assuming he was either going to harvest our organs or charge us out the ass for time spent idling, we bailed. Super unprofessional of him to be running errands on our dime and time, so fuck him.
At some point on the journey, we killed the rest of the vodka, and at about 1:30pm we found a legitimate taxi and headed toward the Del show to meet our friends. We met up, continued drinking by starting on a couple beers, and I promptly slept through most of it. When I did wake up, it was to drunkenly stumble to a tree I thought was secluded enough to urinate behind. To my surprise, during one of my trips, a trio of 3 very cute girls walked up the hill on a path about 50 feet immediately in front of me. And they got an eyeful. Gave me an angry earful, too, to which I replied, "If this is the last dick you see all day I'll be shocked. Least I shaved a few days ago. Happy Pride, ladies!" After that I went back to my friends, sat down, put my head in my lap, and passed out until the encore, which was "Clint Eastwood" by the Gorillaz.
After the show, we went and got food, then took Muni to BART and BART to home. On the Muni ride, I began abusing my intimate familiarity with Albanian-accented broken English and started being a drunken Borat. Lisa kept laughing at the silly shit I would come up with and the people's varying reactions, so I kept doing it. At some point, we reached Civic Center BART and I approached a nice-looking couple with some questions about what Pride is all about. Then the train came and we all boarded, and Lisa and I wound up in a different car from them.
About 5 minutes after boarding the train, the duo caught up with us and immediately told me to give them my wallet right in front of an entire train car, and while wisely choosing to stay in character, I less-than-wisely told them "Fuck no." Not smart, but if it had come to blows, I would have FUCKED THEM UP. Dude told me to open my backpack and show him what I had, and I showed him that it was nothing but some beers and a water bottle. And then, still in character, I pointed out a passenger filming the entire ordeal, and I told the guy that unless he wanted a video of him "being opened" circulating around on Liveleak after his impending death, he better back the fuck off and get his bitch of a girlfriend to step the fuck away from Lisa. Dude was twice my size, but I had the very important tactical advantage of having my back to a wall, a backpack full of beer cans in my hand, my knee right under his balls, and his girlfriend's tits within elbowing range in case she went after Lisa. Plus my pocket screwdriver in my front pocket, with no bit attached (they all store inside it). Won't even break skin without the bit, but it'll hurt like a bitch and get you to cease and desist.
After he and his hyphy bitch left, some very adorable queerfolk came up and said they'd have had our backs if anything had happened. I broke character and told them straight up that we were just trying to have one last spot of silly drunken fun before he came up and tried to intimidate us, and we wound up having a great time talking to them and being silly and jovial once again. I still kept my head on a swivel in case our would-be assailants decided to have another word, but they never showed.
Eventually got home, whereupon I immediately went to bed and passed the fuck out. Woke up about midnight (2 hours ago) still drunk. I'm just starting to finally feel a little more normal right now. What a fuckin crazy day.