- Start the day knowing you have to make an embarrassing, personal statement to your little brother, who you know is protective and a bit socially awkward. I think this would make anyone nervous.
- Get with him. Start sweating, make small talk, then blurt it out.
- He takes it okay! Yay! This might be okay!
- Suddenly you run into the subject of said personal conversation. Automatic heart-sinking feeling. This cannot go good. Does he know? What will he say? Fidget, look away.
- He breaks the ice with normal conversation. Heart still pounding kind of loud, but yay, it's going normal.
- Brother mentions the elephant you've been avoiding. Automatically barfy feeling, your heart starts pouding, voice dies, and you hide to try and calm yourself down so others don't see you amess.
- Subject finds you amess. Eek. Horrible. Heart pounds, feel dizzy and scared and embarrassed all over again, but worse. (this is the point we are at in comic, where she takes the ativan)
Scenario One: No Ativan
- Subject awkwardly tries to breech the problem. You try really hard not to cry, because although you are not sad or even embarrassed enough to cry, your brain is doing a billion emotions and you're so confused that it hurts and you can't talk without sounding like you'll cry.
- Brother and/or subject try to help you. You feel both incompetent and all the horrible emotions from before, plus the embarrassment grows exponentially.
- You peak and do one or several of: pass out, grow hysterical, hide until calming down, or something else
Situation Two: Ativan
- You put a tiny pill under your tongue and sit quietly as you feel it dissolve.
- The familiar feeling and concentrating on the pill decimating help distract you from the situation at hand.
- Tennish minutes later, you take a few deep breaths. This will be okay.
- You try to sort out the situation productively, embarrassed but functional
Hmm.
Completely offtopic, but you might have just helped me figure out what's wrong with me vis-ŕ-vis potentially romantic situations, with that description right there. (Not on any sort of medication (last time I was on any medication for behavior modification, I was like 6 or 7, and it was clonidine (not effective for what they were trying, it just made me sleepy (by lowering blood pressure), which made me cranky, and my parents took me off of it and never looked back)) and never have been for any kind of anxiety, and haven't been in therapy for a while, but... maybe I should be?)
Let's just say that basically every time I've been in a situation where I was interested in someone romantically, and trying to interact with them in any more than a platonic way, THAT would happen. Which basically meant that I would spend MONTHS hovering on the edge of trying to go beyond just a platonic relationship, which is painfully obvious and ends up coming off as creepy as fuck, and then it eventually drives them away from me. And once, that happened with a coworker... and it was like that every day for a year, until I left my job, because I was going insane (I got therapy for that much, to the point that I could at least function, and wasn't suicidal). Which means I now avoid romantic attachment altogether.
Thank you for posting that, it gives me something to frame my experiences with, and now that I know that it is a problem and not just me wimping out, maybe I can get help. (I'm honestly to the point where I don't care that much about relationships any more, but if I change my mind...)