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[Barmymoo]

I meant what Carl was referring to, rather than the UK policy now.

[pwhodges]

I know; I was being cynical about the American profit motive - couldn't you tell?

[Barmymoo]

The Internet: shrouded in mystery.

[Barmymoo]

Things I have done today: discovered I do not get hangovers from drinking half a bottle of port. Walked halfway across college in order to find running water. Grilled halloumi. Plodded through ninety minutes of work. Collected many, many books from the library, mostly written by women who came to my college and then killed themselves. Had a spontaneous dinner party. Washed, dried, labelled and filled glass storage jars for rice and red lentils. Washed, dried and filled a ceramic raisin jar.

Number of things from that list which count towards my degree: One.

I count it as a highly productive day.

[Jace]

Things I have done today:
Go to work. Spend about an hour online trying to figure out if I was building a late war mortar platoon or a mid war italy vet mortar platoon. Build said platoon.
Next up, build Panzergrenadier platoon.

[pwhodges]

Got home from a few days in Germany with my son, and as we walked in the puppy started her first season - literally, the first drop of blood on the floor as she came to greet us.

[Dazed]

SO my back freaked out last night whilst I was out food shopping, and now I can barely walk through the pain. This weekend is not as awesome as I was planning.

[Lupercal]

So, guess who needs a courtesy car for their courtesy car? (More about this in an appropriate thread...)

[dr. nervioso]

I have a dull headache for the last few days. I don't think it's serious or anything, I canbarely feel it. It is just amking me feel uncomfortable. I need some more time to adjust after vacation.

But anyways, I am trying to plan out my next few months. I have an academic competition coming up soon (that I have not studied for as much as I should have). Then at the end f February, I am auditioning for Les Miserables. There are a lot of male parts and it is more opera than play so I have a god sht at getting a part. But knowing me, I will probably be frustrated that I didn't get the lead.

[bainidhe_dub]

Wait, so, "Sorry to dump you the day before the exam, but I know you hate that subject so I figure you don't care that much about the exam, so I feel like that makes it okay" ??

[Zingoleb]

What, are you only allowed to dump someone the day before an exam now?

[Carl-E]

Some people would have the decency to wait till after exams. 


Of course, there may have been pressing issues... but you didn't need to hear that.   

[Jimmy the Squid]

Today I was asked to interview for a new job! It's for an NGO that does community housing and mental health support in the town/part of Sydney that I live. This is a really big deal because I have a bachelors degree, a graduate diploma (equivalent to another bachelors) and a postgraduate diploma (equivalent to First Class Honours) in psychology and it's about time I managed to do something with them, though it's difficult to get a job without that last one which I only finished up in November.

I'm really happy about this because for ages I've been doing shitty retail or call centre jobs so I can pay my rent and now I might actually be able to have a job that I can feel good about. I don't expect to love every minute of my job or to jump out of bed every day with a smile on my face but doing something that makes a difference cosmically speaking, even if it's in a very small way, is something I'm so excited about. I'm also looking forward to not being ashamed of what I do for a living when I get asked at parties (I currently work for one of those daily deal websites that just scams the shit out of everybody and is really unethical).

[nobo]

Good Luck on your interview! When is it?

[Zingoleb]

I managed to get a modelling gig paying $45/hour. Guaranteed minimum of three hours. Exciting.

[The Seldom Killer]

Some people would have the decency to wait till after exams. 


Of course, there may have been pressing issues... but you didn't need to hear that.   

Depends how much you value honesty. A little disbelief and questioning and things start spiraling out of control and people get hurt a lot more.

[Zingoleb]

Holy fuck my landlady is insane.

My roommate locked my landlady's dog in her room, so my landlady went out, was screaming for her (the dog), driving around looking for her, recruiting neighbours to help find her, all the usual stuff one does when a dog goes missing. Upon hearing the dog locked in my roommate's room, she then did the perfectly rational move of kicking the door off its hinges and telling my roommate she can buy her own door.

I desperately need a regular job so I can move the fuck out of here.

[Carl-E]

Yes, you do. 

Oh, and I have water again.  Total cost; $153, and 5 days without water 

Still better than the $1200 - $1800 estimates I got from professional plumbers.  I was even able to put the sidewalk slabs back in place...  pics when I can get them off my phone. 

[Lupercal]

"Make do and mend" sort of fitting in there - good to hear that it went alright. I'm sure you're a regular at the bar across the street now.

[Jimmy the Squid]

Good Luck on your interview! When is it?

It's on Friday 20th so I have plenty of time to prepare. Luckily the girlfriend of my best dude works at the same place so we're going out for dinner on Saturday night and she's going to give me the run down on what the interview is going to be like and what case studies they'll want me to go over. I am super confident for this awwwww yeah.

[lepetitfromage]

Congrats/good luck, Jimmy!

Job opportunities are very exciting, especially when it means you get to move up in the food chain. I just applied to a position that I'm super majorly qualified for, where I'd be experiencing less stress than my current job but getting paid $4 more per hour. They're only accepting applications for a week, so I'm hoping that smaller timeframe=smaller # of applicants=higher chances for me.

I don't necessarily NEED a new job...but my CEO has been dangling a raise/more responsibilities in front of my face for 2 months and keeps telling me that we're going to "have a meeting"....but either they're too busy to set it up or I'm just not high enough of a priority. I keep going to his secretary to ask when we're going to meet but she has no clue. Plus, they are doing major cutbacks to all agencies like mine and there is talk of merging/being taken over by another agency.... so it's hard for me to feel comfortable about my job security. 

[bainidhe_dub]

Ok, whoever said I should start pranking my coworker, someone seems to have beat me to it. She got a FB message from somebody, accusing her of sleeping with this woman's husband, saying that somebody saw them together in the city where we work. She's freaking out.

[Zingoleb]

I am talking to Amazon customer service. The man at the other end is named Tinku.

I am talking to a man named Tinku at this exact moment in time.

[lepetitfromage]

Nooooooooooooooo 


It is hailing/raining/not-quite-snowing-but-almost outside right now. The hail sounds like hundreds of tiny rocks being pelted at the window. And I NEED to walk to the post office...which is about 5 blocks away. I really don't want to do this but I sold something on Amazon and apparently, you agree to send it within 2 days of it selling. It's been 3 days and I haven't shipped it yet.


My lunch break today is going to SUCK.

I thought about putting this in the stress/panic thread....but methinks it's not quite dramatic enough to go there.


(And btw- Tinku is the coolest freaking name in the world. I am so jealous of that guy.)

[Carl-E]

I am talking to Amazon customer service. The man at the other end is named Tinku.

I am talking to a man named Tinku at this exact moment in time.

Tinku beddy much. 

[Zingoleb]

The dog's been having days where she'll just lay around feeling very cold, then days of running around happy, then a few days of being cold. The vets said it was anemia. She just laid down and died an hour ago.

[lepetitfromage]

 

I'm so sorry for your loss, it sounds like it was so sudden...

*hug*

[Zingoleb]

It's starting to seem like it was cancer. I'm sad, but I'm okay. She was my landlady's dog for the last 11 years though, and I don't know how she's going to manage.

[lepetitfromage]

Oh man.....I kind of feel worse for you now that I know it was her dog. If she's as crazy as she sounds, this might just push her into the deep end. 

[Jimor]

A weird thing just happened, and it's making me all introspective and stuff, so feel free to make this stop a tl;dr.

I'm checking e-mail, and there are a couple of notices from LinkedIn, which I'm signed up for, but I rarely rarely sign in, and have maybe a dozen connections who are mostly good friends who have tracked me down there. One for for somebody I know and work with locally in video stuff, and another was for people I "might" know. So I sign in, accept the friend into my Network, then start browsing the might-know list, and there's a Tammy ***** listed with the connection of the college I first went to and flunked out of 20+ years ago. Checking her profile, there's enough additional evidence to suggest that under a different last name, this is the Tammy that I had a HUGE crush on at the time, but was too boy-stupid to do anything about, even though we were pretty good friends at the time. An additional note. When I picture "the most attractive woman I have ever known", hers is the face I see. From the profile photo she has up, she is still amazingly gorgeous 20 years later, and that is not the crush talking.

So I sent a request to network with a short note asking if she was indeed the Tammy I knew. Didn't take long to decide. There wasn't really a way to convey in the short text available anything beyond giving her enough info to remember me (or figure out that she's the wrong one), so I hope it doesn't come off as a desperate "old flame looking for a later-life hookup" because that's not at all why I did it. While I may have regrets about not trying for something more, the regret for me now is losing track of a good friend. So we'll see on that.

So this gets me thinking about what ifs, and missed opportunities, and the "dead end" of retail that I got into. There's a sig quote that has mostly stuck with me because I've read the fantasy book its from, even though I don't recall it specifically from my read, I understand where the character is coming from in context. Paraphrasing: "To think there are worlds out there where I haven't made any mistakes is too heartbreaking to contemplate." Somewhere out there is a timeline where I asked Tammy out, we got married, I was motivated to finish my degree, got a job, we had kids, and they're now grown up and on their own with maybe even a grandkid in the mix, and we're perfectly happy.

But thinking about that doesn't make me sad, because for the most part, I'm in a really good place right now, with amazing friends, many of them enthusiastically following their passions in the video and/or music worlds, and I've found my own passion combining them (culminating in the shooting of a music video mentioned in a previous post, coming soon to a screen near you). But I look back, and see SO many moments in time where a zag instead of a zig would have led to someplace entirely different, and I realize that my mistakes are what made me, and even though many times they caused a lot of pain, I wouldn't choose now to undo those mistakes.

It's very easy to say "look forward", "be positive and good things will happen, even out of the bad", but I know there are places we can fall into where such thoughts don't mean anything for the moment. But in the end, our lives really are what we make of them, and I hope my rambling may help somebody stay open to the possibilities.

[pwhodges]

There's a timeline out there in which I decided to take up the invitation to be trained up to become the MD of what was then and is now the UK's largest and most successful pipe-organ building firm (Harrison & Harrison - I still have the letters, hand-written by the late owner of the firm, Cuthbert Harrison). 

What I have to remind myself of is that there's also one in which I got there but then ran it into failure!  That deals with the regrets pretty quickly.

Seriously, though; every major career path I turned away from (medicine, organs, sound recording) has remained an integral part of my life from that point to now.

[lepetitfromage]

I may not be able to reflect back 20 years ago (I'd be reflecting on the ripe old age of 6....) but I do hear where you're coming from and I think it's important for us all to look at decisions we made in the past that brought us to where we are today. Reminds me of that whole time travel/change one thing you change the world thing. It really is true. I made some decisions that I dreaded making at the time and they ended up being really good for me. I would love to think of where I might be if I stayed in Manhattan and pursued the life of an artist/designer/model. But then...I'd probably still be pining for someone I'm better off without. Instead, I moved back to my hometown, got a job working in an office and met the man who will be my husband.

Mistakes are what make us all- how we handle them shows our true character and the learning experiences help to form us into compassionate, well-rounded people. I agree 100% about our lives being what we make of them. It's so easy to point to the tough spots and say "THAT is why I'm not where I want to be". But as they say, the grass is always greener. And I think that once we realize that our alternate universe selves have just as many issues as our actual selves, a weight is lifted off our shoulders.


Thank you for posting your story.

[Jimor]

She accepted the connection, so now that I can see more of her profile, I have an e-mail address to send a more detailed message. She also lists herself as single, which I wasn't expecting. It's still about reconnecting with an old friend, but possibilities, even remote ones, can be powerful things. But that's not really a goal, just something I'll leave open to those possibilities, just like there are possibilities around me all the time closer to home.

One of the larger things triggering this kind of looking back, is trying to figure out what exactly to do with my future. The past 3 years have been about changing course in major ways. A new career, new friends, new passions. I've been taking classes, learning skills, developing relationships with people I want to work with in both the music and video fields, and while I have the idea of the general direction, I don't have a singular vision, nor a plan to reach any specific goals. Mostly that's OK, since the river is flowing in the right direction, and I feel that wherever I finally disembark will be a good place.

At the same time, I think I really have an opportunity to use what I've learned to really help a lot of people reach their dreams, and I want to make sure that I can do things that make that difference, so I guess this year will be about finally adding a rudder and sails to my little raft and take control of the steering for a bit. (I can't resist a good metaphor)

EDIT: Hahahah, as I'm composing an e-mail to her, I get one from her asking me to refresh her memory because she doesn't remember me. 
It's a cold bucket of water AND amusing example of how life works. Exchanging messages to prod her memory now...

[lepetitfromage]

Best of luck! I'm sure after a little help, she will remember you. 

[Jimor]

Yay! It finally clicked for her, lol. She even remembered that I gave her her first ever CD for her birthday and asked me if I remembered which one it was (Pete Townshend - White City).

[Carl-E]

Well, of course  you do...

 

[Jimor]

The conversation has been going very well since then. Fun times chatting about the old days and catching up.

On the video front, I'm learning an important lesson. A couple months ago I talked about helping a friend shoot some kind of promotional video for a blues musician. Despite misgivings, I agreed, and the shoot itself went OK, but I just cannot get the video to work as envisioned, and the frustration has basically made me blow off the deadline, and the friend is understandably getting impatient about it.

The problem is that I have a history of failing to follow through on things, and when that happens, I get depressed, and that makes other things fall by the wayside in a really bad self-defeating spiral. Fortunately, I recognize the danger signs, and I have far too many good things going on right now to let this setback pull me down. But I'm still in a state of semi-paralysis about talking to him about it and just saying it's not going to get done and be rid of the whole mess.

I think I understand why, though. When we were talking about this project, he kept trying to get me to help him with other video gigs, and I finally had to tell him that I need to concentrate on my projects, even though his were paid gigs, and mine are volunteer efforts I'm using to network and learn stuff via experimentation. The epitome of that is the music video I shot and am editing for a young local musician, which is coming out beautifully, and I think will help get both of us a lot of attention in town.

But whenever I talk with my friend, he has a way of questioning what I'm doing in a way that really makes me doubt myself. I don't think he means to do it, he's just caught up in a different mindset about this business. It works for him, and is pretty standard for the industry, but none of it takes me anywhere near where I want to go in this field. Weddings, corporate videos, personal and business events, store promos. There's certainly money to be made with those things, and somebody needs to do them, it just isn't me.

Ironically, I'm about to apply for a job (because I do need more money than I make at the access station) at a video service place that's a combo of sales/rentals/production, so that would be a job where I'm shooting exactly all those things anyway, but that doesn't bother me. And I think I understand why. With that job, I'm punching in the time clock and going where people tell me to go, and I'm perfectly OK with that, because shooting experience is always valuable. I'm also not putting time and energy into selling myself to get those kinds of jobs. Which frankly involves a lot of bullshit designed to make clients think they're getting their money's worth by showing them sparkles flying off text and "my camera's bigger than HIS camera!" posturing instead of focusing on the quality of the actual production.

That's a whole 'nother rant for later. The point being that I'm searching for my own path with all this, and if the result is that I find out that I've worked myself into a dead end, then so be it. And while it bothers me somewhat to be the asshole in this situation, I really cannot allow myself to fall into another rut and waste more years not even attempting to do what makes me happy. The bridges I'd be burning in that direction don't lead anywhere I'm interested in going, while the people I'm building relationships and visions with in the area music community mean everything to me right now.

[Barmymoo]

Jimor, I think it's always best to follow your own ideas and ambitions instead of trying to fall into line with other people. It's about being strong enough to say "no" upfront to things you don't feel comfortable about - a useful lesson to learn but hard to stick to.

Bit of a mild panic because a couple of weeks ago I promised the development officer at my college that I'd get together some film clips for a promo video. I did a really good one with a friend and emailed it to myself, and just now I played it back to check it was working ok and we emailed the wrong one, a dud one instead of the good version. I'm hoping she still has the good one on her camera! I've got half a dozen people in mind and most of them have already agreed in theory to be filmed but it's getting hold of them when they've got time that's the problem, everyone is very busy and elusive. I think if I get two or three sent off today, I can get the rest by the end of the week - that is if they don't all end up being mangled or lost!

[Zingoleb]

Saying no is really hard to do! But it's also a really healthy skill to learn.

Also, my roommates are fucking insane. The only one I had any respect left for just posted this on Facebook:

"Cleared the bamboo that was endangering the power line into the house again. There was SO much of it. . . My backyard looks like the Killing Fields. I have taken so much fresh, abundant, green life, and the green and the dirt and the moss ground into my skin is blood that I cannot scrub off. I can still hear them screaming, and my heart is so fucking sick right now and the only thing I find myself capable of doing is crying. I have to crawl back in bed, I somehow have to gain the strength to do something positive and healing with the rest of the day."

She served in the Iraq War, and she just compared pruning already broken bamboo to murdering people.

[Zingoleb]

Actually I'm pretty sure it's because it hurts the fairies.

That's not a joke, that's not tongue-in-cheek, that's 100% serious.

[The Seldom Killer]

There's no mention of Fairies in the post so I'm not sure why. Before I got to that it I just took it that scrubbing her hands reminded her of having to do it in the field and it bought back hard memories. Having worked with war veterans I know that they can have difficulty expressing themselves and sometimes it doesn't come across well. You can make assumptions and swift judgements, but I reckon it would be fairer to take it in greater context. It's posted publically, talk to her about it.

Of course if Fairies, then mad.

[Zingoleb]

She has a shrine to the fairies in her room. She's pretty open about it.

I just got up to go pee and ended up listening to two of my roommates talking about when they're going to evict me in the living room. Oh, that's awesome. Apparently I'm creepy because I spend all my time in my room and only come out when they have company over. Here's why, you bitches: I'm terrified of you. I don't like living in fear that I'm going to be berated and yelled at for something I didn't do, or for something that's not my fault. I don't like having someone point out the fact that I still don't have a job even though I've been steadily applying for one for the last five months, because trust me, it's not easy on me. I don't like you taking your problems out on other people, so I only come out when you have company, because you don't start your bullshit when there's people watching.

I'm tired. And I've been six kinds of depressed since I moved. I was really optimistic, but with each day and each job application, nothing happening - being turned down by the government for aid - now being evicted...I don't know what I'm going to do. I've got nowhere to go, and being homeless hurts because it's so hard to get back off the streets.

About the only thing I have left is doing fucking sex shows on cam for pay, and even that is so stressful that I ended up a suicidal mess after awhile just thinking about it.

And I'm pissed off that they feel threatened by me because I'm unstable, which apparently shows how well they know me: I don't get angry. I get hurt. And the more I hurt, the harder it is for me to do anything about it.

Fuck. My. Life.

[Zingoleb]

And on top of that they claim I'm the threatening one when I'm literally the only person in the house who doesn't have a lock on the door, and two other people (one of whom who has blatantly threatened me) have loaded fucking guns. And apparently I'm the one who starts drama when they're posting things in public such as "I am done with house drama." and "I HATE DRAMA!!!!!", which is generally a good way to have people ask "What's wrong?" and continue spreading the drama around.

I really should have seen this shit coming. Months ago. They did this to Camille, they did this to CK, and now they're doing it to me. I wonder how long it'll take to move on to the next scapegoat once I'm gone?

[Zingoleb]

That's an awesome story.

I got the eviction notice. Five days to vacate, which isn't wholly legal but to be honest I've already found a new place so I'm not altogether too worried about the fact. I'm not pissed. Slightly bitter,  but not really angry. She's hurting herself by throwing me out, which is making another flatmate leave, and then there was an argument between her another roomie that's going to result in that one moving out in the next couple months, if my guess is correct.

Weiter, weiter.

My friend is offering to let me stay at his place, which is a bit of a genderqueer anarcho-communist punk house. I'm taking him up on that and let us see how this will pan out.

[idontunderstand]

Good to hear that the everything erm.. went better than expected. 

[Zingoleb]

I feel kind of like a shit, though, 'cause I'm taking solace in the fact that relationships all around my landlady are imploding.

[Jimmy the Squid]

To be fair, she sounds like a total cockbiscuit so I think you're ok. You might even be better off, emotionally, than you would have been staying in that shitstorm of drama, guns and resentment.

[Zingoleb]

She takes her pain out on other people. And she has fibromyalgia as well as a host of other problems. No, that doesn't excuse it, but makes it a little easier to rationalize it.

Still. It was a chance I took, and I've learned my lesson: when my instincts tell me not to trust somebody, I should listen to my damn instincts.

Onto better horizons, I hope.

[DrPhibes]

I'm going away this weekend, firday - sunday on a weekend I helped plan! For about 50 students from out small alternative association (club) which had about 170 members. Were gonna go play with Lego, have a blind beer testing thing. Do a music Quiz. Do Poi. Do a drawing class. make masks out of plaster and paint them and then in the evening drinks lots of alcohol to top it off. It's gonna be awesome!

[Barmymoo]

Dear blog thread, I do not want to do this degree any more. I'm getting stressed and miserable and generally hating it. I don't understand anything I'm "learning" in land law and I think I'm likely to fail that paper, meaning I won't be able to graduate unless I resit it... and that would mean spending my entire summer on the bloody thing. I hate it so much, it doesn't make any sense and it all seems so arbitrary. Added to the fact that I just can't comprehend the way our system of land ownership works anyway, it is all totally counter to everything I believe in. The textbook keeps saying things like "such and such a change was made to improve the system of conveyancing" and then you read a bit further and discover that "improve the system of convenyancing" means "make it easier for a purchaser to force the occupants of a house out simply because the legal owner decided to sell it over their heads".

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH I am sick of how pretentious and stupid Cambridge is, sick of the ostentation and stress and sick of studying something I don't enjoy or understand because it was presented to me as compulsory. I know now that it isn't a compulsory part of my degree but it is far, far too late to drop it, and anyway I would be inviting fire down on myself by being the only person in the entire year to refuse to take it. A tiny, tiny, tiny bit of comfort in the fact that I am absolutely determined not to take the equivalent paper next year, rains of fire or not, but at this rate I don't think I'll make it that far.

Yesterday I got the email inviting me to halfway hall. All this time and stress and misery and I'm not even half way through yet. Fuck.