I dunno where to put this. I am not sober at the present but I can't put this at that topic! this is way more personal and influential.
Tonight I was drinking a few brews at a house-warming party. At 00:00 I went into the city. At about 02:00, I was properly drunk and when I'm at that stage, I like to get myself a cigarette. So I got one from some guy, smoked it and off I went. At 03:00, one hour later, I needed another. Mind you, I that's the second smoke in about a month. So I saw my friend Hugo light one up and asked one from him. He said he gave his pack to Bart. Bart said he hadn't got a pack of cigarettes so I was going back to Hugo. Anyway, he hadn't one, so I was left out. I kept asking everyone in that group where the cigarettes were... no one knew! At that time, I got frustrated. A bit about the fact I didn't get to smoke, more about the idea that stuck in my head they were hiding the smokes and leaving me out. So I asked some more and in return got more frustrated because they all didn't honestly know where the fags where gone! At about 15 minutes later i got seriously frustrated and I thought they were fucking with me, just because I normally don't smoke they'd leave me out. At that time, every time I asked, people started snickering or laughing, not in a hurtful way but just to give me the feeling I was right about the thought they were fucking with me. I told Bart about this feeling and he didn't really understand me... Not a minute later Hugo found the pack in his shirt (the top compartment of his shirt, he didn't realise). During his discovery a girl I know walked by asking me if I'd like a cigarette. I said of course, I was dying after all the frustration and anger at my mates for fucking me over, not realising they didn't do that intentionally! She asked me for one, I said I didn't have a pack with me, so I was at that time in a better mood for not having and some person asking for it. Then Hugo realised and I just got the pack from him and light up a cigarette. That was good.
Then I realised where all the frustration and anger came from. It was from when I was 14-15 years old and my friends in middle/high school fucked me over all the time with stuff I liked and would like to have. They did the same thing I thought was going on, hiding the thing I want and fucking me over with it. I got frustrated because it happened before and I got angry because of the idea that they were fucking me over with it for their own amusement. This happened at that time and it did happen a bit now. After realising this resemblance I apologised to Hugo and Bart for my irrational behaviour. Hugo told me these things just are part of friendship and that little part of fucking with each other are a part of that. I never experienced as that, and in reality, it never happened like that during those years when I was seriously fucked with.
Today I Learned things from your past can seriously haunt you in the present. And now I'm crying about that. I feel better writing this down though <3